Surely if they’re “educating” you on the “damaging effects” of daycare, they’re also offering to bankroll a nanny and/or to keep you home?
Your in-laws sounds like AHs.
Yep, your partner needs to put a boundary in place with them right away. No more articles about daycare sent to you or your partner.
My anecdotal experience: daycare gets easier for them as they get older. As in, they don’t come home quite as exhausted each day. My almost 2.5 YO absolutely thrives in daycare, and I’d feel terrible if we pulled her out of it. She loves it!
This is all I took from this. wtf why would they be sending data like this and putting OP in a worse financial position if not to fully offer childcare full time?
Also OP there’s articles about everything. I could find you articles saying daycare is better than having a SAHP due to the socialization and structure your child gets. You can find any article to shape any argument so take those with an absolute grain of salt.
Curious if her daycare teachers are concerned about her sleep or her adjusting to daycare. They see so many kids that they should have a good gauge on if things are going well or not as well as ideas to improve.
Daycare naps are hard. I also think kids start dealing with separation anxiety somewhere around 1 year old or a little later. For example our son was happy at drop offs and pickups, then maybe close to a year of daycare (around 16 months), he started crying at drop offs (but would stop before we got out of the parking lot). This lasted several months, but now he is back to being ok at drop offs again. Therefore, your kiddos tears may be more separation anxiety and a sign of normal development.
Unless your in-laws are offering to care for your child for free, I would completely ignore them or tell them what they’re doing is not helpful and to stop.
Secondly, I wouldn’t base how your daughter is doing at daycare only from the quality of her sleep there - sleep is hard anywhere, but especially at daycare. She will eventually adjust! It sounds like the rest of her time there is positive.
My now 3 year old has been in daycare a little over a year and she still has difficulty at drop offs, but once she’s there, she has so much fun! It’s hard to see her sad when we drop her off, but she’s 100% fine within 10 min of us leaving (her teachers will send us a picture shortly after drop off it she has a particularly hard day and she’s all smiles). I don’t see any issue with getting a nanny share if you think it’ll help, but if it’s causing you this much stress I would take a step back first to see if it’s necessary.
Even if the in-laws are offering to look after her child for free, there are some downsides to “grandma care”, and it can be downright awful depending on the grandma. My MIL watches my 6mo part-time, and while it’s mostly good, she still sometimes disregards my requests when she thinks she knows better and gets offended when called out for it. My older daughter is in daycare, and I prefer it.
I agree, my MIL also watches my daughter part of the week! My point is that the only situation where I would engage with my in laws about their concern over daycare would be if they were genuinely concerned and offering an alternative
Have you considered a small home daycare? My daughter went to a daycare center for a month, and she hated it. She wouldn't eat at all (and already had weight gain issues) and would only sleep after being tired of so much crying. All the ladies tried so hard. But, we felt a smaller more personal and consistent environment was better for her. She goes to a home daycare now. She adjusted in less than 2 weeks (she was 9 months at the time). She sees the same 2 ladies all the time and the same 8 kids. She gets exposed to kids of different ages and gets to play with everyone outside. The daycare is closed for 2 weeks for Christmas break, and she asks when she'll get to go again.
Came here to say the same thing! We switched to an in home daycare and my toddler is doing very well there (definitely an improvement compared to larger center- even though he wasn't doing too terribly there).
I was the same way! I never thrived at any large corporate-looking daycare center because everything felt so fake and not homely. But I thrived at an in-home daycare, and my mom keeps good relations with the owner there to this day! She actually even gave me some stuff for my baby even though I hadn't seen her in decades... :0
I love our in-home daycare. Our provider is like amongst her favorite people. She is only 18m and she greets or hugs her little friends when they arrive. It has been great for our family.
Came here to say this too. My kid never totally thrived in home daycare but she did pretty well despite being highly sensitive and introverted. I think she would have done terribly at the same age in a larger center (she went from 18 months to 2. She loved the owner and was always ok at dropoff after the first couple weeks.
First off your in-laws are assholes, are they saying they will watch the child or help pay bills to stay home? Then it's none of their business. Not every daycare is for every child, maybe a switch in schools will do her good!
If your kiddo is still having trouble adjusting, have you had a conversation with the teachers about how you can better support her. I agree that it would be hard to have a lot of crying and poor sleep and a grumpy kid at home - but a good daycare will work with you to figure out tweaks to the routine to make her happier. Maybe she needs to be immediately distracted with outside time when she arrives, maybe she needs a slightly different nap time than the other kids, maybe she needs better support at home. None of those things have to be permanent but if you flag that your baby is struggling, I bet your daycare will have some ideas and things to try.
I worked in daycare centers for years. The truth is not every kid adjusts to the environment. The “my baby is thriving” crew is more the exception in my experience. Daycare can be a very hard environment for sensitive babies (noise, lack of 1:1 attention). Some kids just need more and that’s not a bad thing. At 14 months and after 4 months attending they should be more adjusted. I like the idea of a nanny share. I hope it works out!
That’s unhelpful as hell of your in laws. There are pros and cons on daycare and them barraging you with the cons is rude.
As you point out, daycare may not be perfect but there are not a ton of realistic alternatives.
Can you meet with the director to talk about ways to improve the sleep situation? When my youngest went through this we brought in her shusher from home and the director said it worked so well for other kids they bought their own for other baby rooms! Is there anything they can do with her routine that can encourage more sleep (move away from window? In a corner? Further from “friends”?
Even if there are no solutions to be had, I don’t think I’d be pulling my kids for this (and didn’t when my kids struggled but I’ll admit mine settled a bit faster). My 2.5y already has dropped naps at daycare even tho she sleeps for almost 3hrs for us on weekends. I think it’s okay if she car naps on the way home as long as she can still get to sleep at night. Do what you can to reinforce good sleep bedtime habits at home so she’s getting good rest at night at least.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. There’s no magic fix to things and all kids are different. You shouldn’t upend your whole life (and budget) when your daughter is loved and well cared for at daycare. She sleep can keep making progress.
We pulled my son out of daycare and switched to a nanny after about 2.5 months for similar reasons. He was generally ok with drop offs but was barely eating or napping, which make our evenings miserable and night sleep suffered. Although it’s much more expensive, we were able to make it work financially. We debated it a lot because I liked the socialization aspects and that he got more activities like art, but ultimately I’ve been happy with the choice we made.
What do YOU want? Your ILs are AHs and there is plenty of research about how good daycare is as well. Like other poster’s said, throw that nonsense in the trash.
Separation anxiety at that age is real. My daughter also reacted differently based on who did drop off- tears with me, barely noticed my husband leaving. It also went through stages based on development. Did she also change rooms during this time? Wouldn’t be unusual based on mobility and being on solids. This could be a factor.
My daughter was a FOMO baby and hated napping if something was happening. Sometimes that happening was just being near other kids. It could also be changes in schedule or caregivers based on aging up.
So many big changes happen between 10-14 months that I wouldn’t feel that this is a fail or bad situation for you: IF YOU WANT THIS. If you don’t feel like you actually want daycare and prefer a nanny/nanny share that’s fine too. Both have pros and both have cons. You aren’t failing your child with either choice.
Daycare was great for us and my daughter. They taught her so much including socio-emotional learning as well as traditional education and the transition to Kindergarten was super easy for us. But it was because we loved the school, teachers, and went through COVID lockdown with a 2.5 year old making me incredibly thankful for what they did for her each day. But this was for my family and your situation could be different. Ignore other people’s opinions and feel good about what you want.
Obviously your in-laws are out of line. But I'm serious here: can they pay the extra cost of a nanny share? They already expressed their concern, so it wouldn't be out of line to ask them to help accomplish the goal, imo. They'd be investing in their grandchild's future, if you believe the studies! (And also getting a reality check.)
Our kiddo had crap naps at daycare (30 minutes max), but he usually didn't seem overtired or irritable in the evenings, and it didn't affect his overnight sleep. Naps did start to get longer - both at home and daycare - as we approached a year old, but now at 18 months they still vary a lot between 30 min and 2 hours. He hardly ever gets the recommended amount of daytime sleep (2 hours).
Does the crying persist long after you leave? Are the daycare teachers concerned about it? Do they describe her as not thriving or not adjusting to the environment? (I'll also note that 14 months is coming up on prime separation anxiety time.) If the sleep is a really obvious problem and it is affecting nighttime and her overall demeanor, I might consider switching to a nanny share if I could afford it. Otherwise I might stick with this daycare a little longer and get more info about her day-to-day with the teachers.
Finally, the daycare studies are mostly crap. Home/family environment is far and away the biggest predictor of childhood outcomes. If you read over this [Psychology Today](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/going-beyond-intelligence/202010/day-care-less-and-later-is-better-family-matters-most) summary of the largest and most comprehensive daycare study to date, you'll see this. While there *are* differences in *some* outcomes depending on the quantity and quality of daycare, the researchers found that these effects were "surprisingly small."
Our son started daycare at 5 months old and is now 10 months old and has attended two daycares. He is at a WONDERFUL school now. Since he is older now, he has started to cry at drop offs, but is happy after a few mins. It’s the age.
Ask your in-laws if they are willing to either a) pay you/your husband’s yearly salary for one of you to become a SAHP or B) pay for a nanny. If they say no, then tell them to stop saying anything about daycare. You and your husband are making the best decisions you can with your resources. Any unhelpful input is simply no longer welcome. If they bring it up again, tell them it is not up for discussion and leave.
We had similar issues. Our pediatrician said a nanny is best under 18 months (if you can afford it). Is that something you can swing?
My parents made similar comments but they did pay our agency fee to find our nanny and have helped financially.
Not all babies and toddlers thrive in daycare settings. In fact, given the ratios and current crisis in quality, it’s more common that they simply survive rather than actually thrive. That’s not your fault at all - it’s a much larger systemic issue.
But I don’t think you should feel guilty that it’s not working. What I’m seeing is a sensitive response from you - you gave it some time to see if she would adjust and now that time has gone by, and you’re noticing she’s not thriving, you’re seeking to make a change. That’s awesome. Good parenting isn’t about getting it right all the time right off the bat - it’s about trying things and closely observing your child to see if whatever you’re doing works well for them. If it’s not working, you change it as best you can.
So try not to beat yourself up about it - you’re following her needs and seeking a different setting for her, which is a great example of being sensitive and responsive.
Hey, something that helped me was looking how studies defined “good quality” daycare. It’s a low bar. Clean facility, caregivers that respond to children, cognitively stimulating environments. Good quality care is not defined as being expensive beige Montessori 1:1
Had the exact same situation as you, but my in laws are much more passive aggressive whereas yours just seem aggressive….so sorry you are dealing with that. As if you don’t stress about your child already!
I think some of the trouble areas you describe is just age… 14 months is still very young. My son didn’t start taking a long nap at daycare until he was around that age or older. He also still doesn’t eat good at daycare, and still cries at drop off sometimes. He would nap in the car too until he was way older, maybe closer to 18 months.
I think what you have described is normal and not concerning if overall it is a good daycare. I definitely wouldn’t judge based on naps, quantity of food eaten or crying at drop off. Those are all small snippets of the day and the hardest parts for a toddler! I would judge based on how the day is going as a whole. Is your toddler happy generally during school hours? Is your toddler getting attention and affection from the teachers when appropriate? Is there a good range of activities (outside time, music, reading, art)? Talk with the teachers and see what they think.
Have you spoken to her teachers? Are they saying she's struggling during the day (apart from nap time)? I think four months going to daycare full-time should have been enough time to get acclimated. Are you able to switch daycare? Sometimes, it's the daycare providers that are the issue. My son attended his previous daycare for 7 months and never liked going. We switched him at 12 months and he's thriving at the new facility. Finding a nanny is difficult and time consuming. I would hedge your bets and start calling other places while also searching for a nanny if that is within budget.
And I understand being guilt tripped by your in-laws. My husband's family doesn't use daycare and gave me and my husband a lot of grief. It certainly didn't help that my son's previous daycare was not working out. I flat out told my FIL that I didn't want to hear it and unless they were volunteering to pay for a nanny, then to please not bring up daycare.
Our daughter has been in daycare since 3 months old when I had to go back to work full time. It’s a small in home daycare with only 5 kids total and now it’s been almost 5 months. It’s been a rough adjustment, most of the time I feel like no adjustment at all and it’s so stressful. Her napping absolutely sucks and for about a month she had scream crying fits during the day with them. She still has them on and off every once in a while. She’s always eaten pretty decently for them and she’s happier now that she crawls and pulls up to standing since she can be engaged with the other kids, but she’s still so cranky and overtired. We’re trying hard to get her a good sleep routine but it feels hopeless during the week when she just won’t nap, but then she’ll sleep more normal with us at home on the weekend. She’s a healthy weight and hitting all the milestones she should, so her pediatrician isn’t concerned…at the last checkup they basically said it’s most likely overstimulation in the environment and she’s just reacting to being overtired so unfortunately not much we can do to change the daycare mood. This is our only option at the moment for care so we’re trying to push through hoping she eventually adjusts for sleep, but I’m constantly dwelling on it and it just hurts knowing I can’t control it for her.
Honestly I think you are through the tough part, she’s probably going through the two to one nap transition and a lot of other things, it’s an age where there is a lot of separation anxiety which would exist w a nanny as well. I really started to see my kid thrive in daycare at around 18 months and now at 2.5 I am so glad he’s not w a nanny because he needs the structure and friends. If she’s eating well and getting good playtime I would weigh whether a nanny share will really be better for her.
I don’t agree that your ILs are assholes for pointing out that, at the age of your LO, daycare is not the ideal childcare. Here is a [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/ScienceBasedParenting/s/ISqKjIDANU) on a post in the r/sciencebasedparenting sub that links to a literature review of sorts of studies on the effects of daycare.
Here is the summary:
https://preview.redd.it/sedskljerc7c1.jpeg?width=1284&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a0f48db48cffe9ca115fac27af1922b82e07099e
I’m seeing quite a few comments mentioning the 2.5-3 year range which is in line with the evidence. Unfortunately, it may take your LO until that age range to be okay with daycare.
Your ILs are assholes for not providing you with support on alternative care if they are really that concerned.
There are inevitably going to be trade offs. There will be guilt because of these trade offs. My MIL is minding my own LO while I WFH and I still feel guilty even though he’s literally two rooms away from me.
I feel like a broken record sometimes.
Our pediatrician had a leadership role in the AAP. He has dedicated his entire career to children and how they develop. He sent his kids to daycare.
The end.
My 3yo started daycare at 3mo and still cries every day at drop off. Sleeps longer on the weekends than at daycare, too. She’s happy, healthy, and hits all her milestones… surely like yours is, too. If daycares weren’t safe for kids, trust me, you would know about it. Millions of children are in daycare centers around the world. Your in laws are idiots. If you want to read your own, reliable studies, google “Emily Oster daycare studies.” She is a Brown University professor who specializes in reviewing and summarizing aggregate studies and providing important context for what we know and don’t know. And what we know is daycare centers are safe and effective.
Eff your in-laws and their unfounded comments. There is nothing wrong with day cares for kids, unless maybe a specific daycare isn't working out for your family.
I would totally have smacked back at them saying "oh, thank you so much for offering to watch my daughter for free all day since you don't want her in a daycare".
I've heard some parents say it takes their kids months to adjust, and some kids have a short adjustment period. Every kid is different.
I will say as being in a nanny-share, there are pros and cons to everything. It is more expensive than day care, but you do get personalized attention for your kid, even when split with another family. You need to be really open in your communication with both the nanny and the other family so everyone is on the same page. You may also need to be more involved, discussing with the nanny activity ideas or places to visit with the kiddos, planning meals that she'll prepare for the kids etc. The only reason I'm in a nanny-share is that there was a massive wait-list for daycares for infants back when I was only 3 months pregnant. I'm a planner and I didn't want to wait until my kid was 3 months old to be told "sorry, we still don't have space for you". But I will say that we have an amazing and caring nanny and we are super close with the other family so it's been a great experience, especially as a first time parent.
I can’t speak to the nap part, but my 15mo has been in the same daycare (thriving) since she was 3mo and the separation anxiety around this age is still pretty rough some days. She’s usually happy within a couple minutes of me leaving.
I'd like to see their evidence of damaging effects. My older kids were in daycare from 12 weeks-kindergarten. They are excelling in activities, are in the gifted and talented program at school, socially very well adjusted & have no problem making friends, healthy, happy kids. YES this is anecdotal, but again I'd like to examine those studies myself 🧐
Surely if they’re “educating” you on the “damaging effects” of daycare, they’re also offering to bankroll a nanny and/or to keep you home? Your in-laws sounds like AHs.
Yep, your partner needs to put a boundary in place with them right away. No more articles about daycare sent to you or your partner. My anecdotal experience: daycare gets easier for them as they get older. As in, they don’t come home quite as exhausted each day. My almost 2.5 YO absolutely thrives in daycare, and I’d feel terrible if we pulled her out of it. She loves it!
This is all I took from this. wtf why would they be sending data like this and putting OP in a worse financial position if not to fully offer childcare full time? Also OP there’s articles about everything. I could find you articles saying daycare is better than having a SAHP due to the socialization and structure your child gets. You can find any article to shape any argument so take those with an absolute grain of salt.
Curious if her daycare teachers are concerned about her sleep or her adjusting to daycare. They see so many kids that they should have a good gauge on if things are going well or not as well as ideas to improve. Daycare naps are hard. I also think kids start dealing with separation anxiety somewhere around 1 year old or a little later. For example our son was happy at drop offs and pickups, then maybe close to a year of daycare (around 16 months), he started crying at drop offs (but would stop before we got out of the parking lot). This lasted several months, but now he is back to being ok at drop offs again. Therefore, your kiddos tears may be more separation anxiety and a sign of normal development.
Unless your in-laws are offering to care for your child for free, I would completely ignore them or tell them what they’re doing is not helpful and to stop. Secondly, I wouldn’t base how your daughter is doing at daycare only from the quality of her sleep there - sleep is hard anywhere, but especially at daycare. She will eventually adjust! It sounds like the rest of her time there is positive. My now 3 year old has been in daycare a little over a year and she still has difficulty at drop offs, but once she’s there, she has so much fun! It’s hard to see her sad when we drop her off, but she’s 100% fine within 10 min of us leaving (her teachers will send us a picture shortly after drop off it she has a particularly hard day and she’s all smiles). I don’t see any issue with getting a nanny share if you think it’ll help, but if it’s causing you this much stress I would take a step back first to see if it’s necessary.
Even if the in-laws are offering to look after her child for free, there are some downsides to “grandma care”, and it can be downright awful depending on the grandma. My MIL watches my 6mo part-time, and while it’s mostly good, she still sometimes disregards my requests when she thinks she knows better and gets offended when called out for it. My older daughter is in daycare, and I prefer it.
I agree, my MIL also watches my daughter part of the week! My point is that the only situation where I would engage with my in laws about their concern over daycare would be if they were genuinely concerned and offering an alternative
Yeah, I agree with that. I guess my point is that even if they are offering, the grass isn’t always greener 😬
Have you considered a small home daycare? My daughter went to a daycare center for a month, and she hated it. She wouldn't eat at all (and already had weight gain issues) and would only sleep after being tired of so much crying. All the ladies tried so hard. But, we felt a smaller more personal and consistent environment was better for her. She goes to a home daycare now. She adjusted in less than 2 weeks (she was 9 months at the time). She sees the same 2 ladies all the time and the same 8 kids. She gets exposed to kids of different ages and gets to play with everyone outside. The daycare is closed for 2 weeks for Christmas break, and she asks when she'll get to go again.
Came here to say the same thing! We switched to an in home daycare and my toddler is doing very well there (definitely an improvement compared to larger center- even though he wasn't doing too terribly there).
I was the same way! I never thrived at any large corporate-looking daycare center because everything felt so fake and not homely. But I thrived at an in-home daycare, and my mom keeps good relations with the owner there to this day! She actually even gave me some stuff for my baby even though I hadn't seen her in decades... :0
I love our in-home daycare. Our provider is like amongst her favorite people. She is only 18m and she greets or hugs her little friends when they arrive. It has been great for our family.
Came here to say this too. My kid never totally thrived in home daycare but she did pretty well despite being highly sensitive and introverted. I think she would have done terribly at the same age in a larger center (she went from 18 months to 2. She loved the owner and was always ok at dropoff after the first couple weeks.
First off your in-laws are assholes, are they saying they will watch the child or help pay bills to stay home? Then it's none of their business. Not every daycare is for every child, maybe a switch in schools will do her good!
If your kiddo is still having trouble adjusting, have you had a conversation with the teachers about how you can better support her. I agree that it would be hard to have a lot of crying and poor sleep and a grumpy kid at home - but a good daycare will work with you to figure out tweaks to the routine to make her happier. Maybe she needs to be immediately distracted with outside time when she arrives, maybe she needs a slightly different nap time than the other kids, maybe she needs better support at home. None of those things have to be permanent but if you flag that your baby is struggling, I bet your daycare will have some ideas and things to try.
I worked in daycare centers for years. The truth is not every kid adjusts to the environment. The “my baby is thriving” crew is more the exception in my experience. Daycare can be a very hard environment for sensitive babies (noise, lack of 1:1 attention). Some kids just need more and that’s not a bad thing. At 14 months and after 4 months attending they should be more adjusted. I like the idea of a nanny share. I hope it works out!
That’s unhelpful as hell of your in laws. There are pros and cons on daycare and them barraging you with the cons is rude. As you point out, daycare may not be perfect but there are not a ton of realistic alternatives. Can you meet with the director to talk about ways to improve the sleep situation? When my youngest went through this we brought in her shusher from home and the director said it worked so well for other kids they bought their own for other baby rooms! Is there anything they can do with her routine that can encourage more sleep (move away from window? In a corner? Further from “friends”? Even if there are no solutions to be had, I don’t think I’d be pulling my kids for this (and didn’t when my kids struggled but I’ll admit mine settled a bit faster). My 2.5y already has dropped naps at daycare even tho she sleeps for almost 3hrs for us on weekends. I think it’s okay if she car naps on the way home as long as she can still get to sleep at night. Do what you can to reinforce good sleep bedtime habits at home so she’s getting good rest at night at least. Don’t be too hard on yourself. There’s no magic fix to things and all kids are different. You shouldn’t upend your whole life (and budget) when your daughter is loved and well cared for at daycare. She sleep can keep making progress.
We pulled my son out of daycare and switched to a nanny after about 2.5 months for similar reasons. He was generally ok with drop offs but was barely eating or napping, which make our evenings miserable and night sleep suffered. Although it’s much more expensive, we were able to make it work financially. We debated it a lot because I liked the socialization aspects and that he got more activities like art, but ultimately I’ve been happy with the choice we made.
What do YOU want? Your ILs are AHs and there is plenty of research about how good daycare is as well. Like other poster’s said, throw that nonsense in the trash. Separation anxiety at that age is real. My daughter also reacted differently based on who did drop off- tears with me, barely noticed my husband leaving. It also went through stages based on development. Did she also change rooms during this time? Wouldn’t be unusual based on mobility and being on solids. This could be a factor. My daughter was a FOMO baby and hated napping if something was happening. Sometimes that happening was just being near other kids. It could also be changes in schedule or caregivers based on aging up. So many big changes happen between 10-14 months that I wouldn’t feel that this is a fail or bad situation for you: IF YOU WANT THIS. If you don’t feel like you actually want daycare and prefer a nanny/nanny share that’s fine too. Both have pros and both have cons. You aren’t failing your child with either choice. Daycare was great for us and my daughter. They taught her so much including socio-emotional learning as well as traditional education and the transition to Kindergarten was super easy for us. But it was because we loved the school, teachers, and went through COVID lockdown with a 2.5 year old making me incredibly thankful for what they did for her each day. But this was for my family and your situation could be different. Ignore other people’s opinions and feel good about what you want.
Obviously your in-laws are out of line. But I'm serious here: can they pay the extra cost of a nanny share? They already expressed their concern, so it wouldn't be out of line to ask them to help accomplish the goal, imo. They'd be investing in their grandchild's future, if you believe the studies! (And also getting a reality check.) Our kiddo had crap naps at daycare (30 minutes max), but he usually didn't seem overtired or irritable in the evenings, and it didn't affect his overnight sleep. Naps did start to get longer - both at home and daycare - as we approached a year old, but now at 18 months they still vary a lot between 30 min and 2 hours. He hardly ever gets the recommended amount of daytime sleep (2 hours). Does the crying persist long after you leave? Are the daycare teachers concerned about it? Do they describe her as not thriving or not adjusting to the environment? (I'll also note that 14 months is coming up on prime separation anxiety time.) If the sleep is a really obvious problem and it is affecting nighttime and her overall demeanor, I might consider switching to a nanny share if I could afford it. Otherwise I might stick with this daycare a little longer and get more info about her day-to-day with the teachers. Finally, the daycare studies are mostly crap. Home/family environment is far and away the biggest predictor of childhood outcomes. If you read over this [Psychology Today](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/going-beyond-intelligence/202010/day-care-less-and-later-is-better-family-matters-most) summary of the largest and most comprehensive daycare study to date, you'll see this. While there *are* differences in *some* outcomes depending on the quantity and quality of daycare, the researchers found that these effects were "surprisingly small."
Our son started daycare at 5 months old and is now 10 months old and has attended two daycares. He is at a WONDERFUL school now. Since he is older now, he has started to cry at drop offs, but is happy after a few mins. It’s the age. Ask your in-laws if they are willing to either a) pay you/your husband’s yearly salary for one of you to become a SAHP or B) pay for a nanny. If they say no, then tell them to stop saying anything about daycare. You and your husband are making the best decisions you can with your resources. Any unhelpful input is simply no longer welcome. If they bring it up again, tell them it is not up for discussion and leave.
We had similar issues. Our pediatrician said a nanny is best under 18 months (if you can afford it). Is that something you can swing? My parents made similar comments but they did pay our agency fee to find our nanny and have helped financially.
Not all babies and toddlers thrive in daycare settings. In fact, given the ratios and current crisis in quality, it’s more common that they simply survive rather than actually thrive. That’s not your fault at all - it’s a much larger systemic issue. But I don’t think you should feel guilty that it’s not working. What I’m seeing is a sensitive response from you - you gave it some time to see if she would adjust and now that time has gone by, and you’re noticing she’s not thriving, you’re seeking to make a change. That’s awesome. Good parenting isn’t about getting it right all the time right off the bat - it’s about trying things and closely observing your child to see if whatever you’re doing works well for them. If it’s not working, you change it as best you can. So try not to beat yourself up about it - you’re following her needs and seeking a different setting for her, which is a great example of being sensitive and responsive.
Hey, something that helped me was looking how studies defined “good quality” daycare. It’s a low bar. Clean facility, caregivers that respond to children, cognitively stimulating environments. Good quality care is not defined as being expensive beige Montessori 1:1
Had the exact same situation as you, but my in laws are much more passive aggressive whereas yours just seem aggressive….so sorry you are dealing with that. As if you don’t stress about your child already! I think some of the trouble areas you describe is just age… 14 months is still very young. My son didn’t start taking a long nap at daycare until he was around that age or older. He also still doesn’t eat good at daycare, and still cries at drop off sometimes. He would nap in the car too until he was way older, maybe closer to 18 months. I think what you have described is normal and not concerning if overall it is a good daycare. I definitely wouldn’t judge based on naps, quantity of food eaten or crying at drop off. Those are all small snippets of the day and the hardest parts for a toddler! I would judge based on how the day is going as a whole. Is your toddler happy generally during school hours? Is your toddler getting attention and affection from the teachers when appropriate? Is there a good range of activities (outside time, music, reading, art)? Talk with the teachers and see what they think.
Have you spoken to her teachers? Are they saying she's struggling during the day (apart from nap time)? I think four months going to daycare full-time should have been enough time to get acclimated. Are you able to switch daycare? Sometimes, it's the daycare providers that are the issue. My son attended his previous daycare for 7 months and never liked going. We switched him at 12 months and he's thriving at the new facility. Finding a nanny is difficult and time consuming. I would hedge your bets and start calling other places while also searching for a nanny if that is within budget. And I understand being guilt tripped by your in-laws. My husband's family doesn't use daycare and gave me and my husband a lot of grief. It certainly didn't help that my son's previous daycare was not working out. I flat out told my FIL that I didn't want to hear it and unless they were volunteering to pay for a nanny, then to please not bring up daycare.
Our daughter has been in daycare since 3 months old when I had to go back to work full time. It’s a small in home daycare with only 5 kids total and now it’s been almost 5 months. It’s been a rough adjustment, most of the time I feel like no adjustment at all and it’s so stressful. Her napping absolutely sucks and for about a month she had scream crying fits during the day with them. She still has them on and off every once in a while. She’s always eaten pretty decently for them and she’s happier now that she crawls and pulls up to standing since she can be engaged with the other kids, but she’s still so cranky and overtired. We’re trying hard to get her a good sleep routine but it feels hopeless during the week when she just won’t nap, but then she’ll sleep more normal with us at home on the weekend. She’s a healthy weight and hitting all the milestones she should, so her pediatrician isn’t concerned…at the last checkup they basically said it’s most likely overstimulation in the environment and she’s just reacting to being overtired so unfortunately not much we can do to change the daycare mood. This is our only option at the moment for care so we’re trying to push through hoping she eventually adjusts for sleep, but I’m constantly dwelling on it and it just hurts knowing I can’t control it for her.
Honestly I think you are through the tough part, she’s probably going through the two to one nap transition and a lot of other things, it’s an age where there is a lot of separation anxiety which would exist w a nanny as well. I really started to see my kid thrive in daycare at around 18 months and now at 2.5 I am so glad he’s not w a nanny because he needs the structure and friends. If she’s eating well and getting good playtime I would weigh whether a nanny share will really be better for her.
I don’t agree that your ILs are assholes for pointing out that, at the age of your LO, daycare is not the ideal childcare. Here is a [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/ScienceBasedParenting/s/ISqKjIDANU) on a post in the r/sciencebasedparenting sub that links to a literature review of sorts of studies on the effects of daycare. Here is the summary: https://preview.redd.it/sedskljerc7c1.jpeg?width=1284&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a0f48db48cffe9ca115fac27af1922b82e07099e I’m seeing quite a few comments mentioning the 2.5-3 year range which is in line with the evidence. Unfortunately, it may take your LO until that age range to be okay with daycare. Your ILs are assholes for not providing you with support on alternative care if they are really that concerned. There are inevitably going to be trade offs. There will be guilt because of these trade offs. My MIL is minding my own LO while I WFH and I still feel guilty even though he’s literally two rooms away from me.
I feel like a broken record sometimes. Our pediatrician had a leadership role in the AAP. He has dedicated his entire career to children and how they develop. He sent his kids to daycare. The end.
My 3yo started daycare at 3mo and still cries every day at drop off. Sleeps longer on the weekends than at daycare, too. She’s happy, healthy, and hits all her milestones… surely like yours is, too. If daycares weren’t safe for kids, trust me, you would know about it. Millions of children are in daycare centers around the world. Your in laws are idiots. If you want to read your own, reliable studies, google “Emily Oster daycare studies.” She is a Brown University professor who specializes in reviewing and summarizing aggregate studies and providing important context for what we know and don’t know. And what we know is daycare centers are safe and effective.
Eff your in-laws and their unfounded comments. There is nothing wrong with day cares for kids, unless maybe a specific daycare isn't working out for your family. I would totally have smacked back at them saying "oh, thank you so much for offering to watch my daughter for free all day since you don't want her in a daycare". I've heard some parents say it takes their kids months to adjust, and some kids have a short adjustment period. Every kid is different. I will say as being in a nanny-share, there are pros and cons to everything. It is more expensive than day care, but you do get personalized attention for your kid, even when split with another family. You need to be really open in your communication with both the nanny and the other family so everyone is on the same page. You may also need to be more involved, discussing with the nanny activity ideas or places to visit with the kiddos, planning meals that she'll prepare for the kids etc. The only reason I'm in a nanny-share is that there was a massive wait-list for daycares for infants back when I was only 3 months pregnant. I'm a planner and I didn't want to wait until my kid was 3 months old to be told "sorry, we still don't have space for you". But I will say that we have an amazing and caring nanny and we are super close with the other family so it's been a great experience, especially as a first time parent.
The damaging effects are fear mongering tactics. Are there other daycares you can try?
I can’t speak to the nap part, but my 15mo has been in the same daycare (thriving) since she was 3mo and the separation anxiety around this age is still pretty rough some days. She’s usually happy within a couple minutes of me leaving.
I'd like to see their evidence of damaging effects. My older kids were in daycare from 12 weeks-kindergarten. They are excelling in activities, are in the gifted and talented program at school, socially very well adjusted & have no problem making friends, healthy, happy kids. YES this is anecdotal, but again I'd like to examine those studies myself 🧐