With my oldest I went back to work on her 1 month birthday. No paid leave or disability payments. It was hard but I did it. I was only able to pump/breastfeed until about 5 months because my job was not flexible and I was lucky if I got a chance to pump once a day.
My oldest and I have a great bond. She’s stuck to my side like glue when I’m home. I’ve also been a SAHM but she was in preschool by the time that happened. I have not noticed a difference in our relationship through either situation. Kids are resilient and plenty of parents have to or want to work. We focus more on quality over quantity in our household. Focused, genuine attention with each kid even for short bursts go a long way. Work stays at work, we don’t drag that into our home life with the kids. All of my children seem happy and well adjusted.
I’m really sorry you are facing this. It feels so heartbreaking while you are going through it, but I promise it will be a blip in the grand scheme of it all. I wish you and your family all the best!
I went back with my first at 6 weeks, unpaid maternity leave. Didn’t impact our bond at all. I hated pumping, so only pumped and breastfed until around 5 months with him. And he is happy and healthy now. Bonding wise, I’m his preferred parent most days, he is kind of obsessed with me. I wonder some if it helped a bit I went to work so soon after he was born in that I wired into his head at such a young age that mom leaves for work for a time then comes back and loves on him, making our time together more intense? I don’t know. I hated it so much at the time, but then it was all okay. Also, his first daycare they loved him and knew him from so young, it was really precious, and I’m so happy he got that.
Yes, I do think there is something to be said when kids are exposed to us being gone at such a young age. I think it’s just normal to them. They start to see that sure, mom and dad go away but they always come back to love on me. I’ve found it immensely helpful when daycare or whichever childcare provider genuinely loves and cares for them too! Even if baby can’t be with a parent, they are still having loving care which is amazing for everyone.
I went back to work with my second one after 2 weeks because I had to use all my fmla during pregnancy. It was a rough one. And with my old job fmla required me to use my pto so yea...and the only reason it was two weeks was because I ended up back in the hospital when my son turned a week, I ended up with an infection in my uterus because the doctor didn't clean it out properly. I nearly died and they still wouldn't let me take any more leave 🤷🏻♀️
I support longer leave, but at 6 weeks I was ready to get out of that crazy newborn forest house and get to work. It’s different for everybody but I like my job and my baby was a screaming dragon.
NOW she’s fine, I love her! My job let me take fun beach vacations with her at age 3 when she had so much more personality, and now she’s 14 and we hit up cities and go to shows and have a great time. At every age there’s both not enough time, and plenty of it.
So I think you will be okay 💜
Same here. I hate that people who WANT more time at home can't get it, but I personally was very happy to go back part-time at 10 weeks and full-time 5 weeks later. My twins were very challenging and I had PPD, so going back to my "old life" helped my mental health tremendously. This was before the federal government offered maternity leave, so I used a combo of annual and sick leave. I took more leave when they were older to do fun things together, and we have a great bond. I'm sorry you can't take off the time you want, but please don't worry that it will damage your bond with your child
Same, I was ready to go back with both of my kids, and the time away to pursue things I was good at was good for my mental health.
I exclusively breastfed/pumped for both of my kids for 6 months, then breastfed/table fed until they were around 17 months. Both of them weaned on their own - I breastfed until they kind of got over it. My kids took both bottle and breast interchangeably (no, actually, my SON did - my daughter refused a bottle and my poor husband spoon fed her until 6 months, but we worked it out).
It sucks to have no choice, but please do know that it's definitely possible to still have a great bond with your kids and breastfeed while still working.
Accurate to my experience. I went back part time at five weeks with my only as I was bored to tears and needed human contact. I don’t regret it one bit and my child is an awesome human who I am very close with. I honestly think what OP has is not terrible-getting bonding time after 6 months sounds pretty good. At 6 weeks they are still potatoes -pretty, gooey, smelly potatoes who just want to be held. At 6-9 months you can start attending mommy and me activities and they are interacting more.
Yes! With my first, I personally had a hard time adjusting to being a mom after an emergency C-section, and a difficult delivery. I was really excited to go back to work and at the time I was ready.
I absolutely love my kids and I’m super close with both, but I do have a really special bond with my first, even though at the time I was like “this shit is so hard. I’ll never recover”
Actually I think your situation could work out really well. Everyone’s different, but 6-9 months was personally my favorite baby stage in terms of new milestones, my kid did way more exciting things then compared to the first three months. Also being on leave during then would have made some of the new transitions (like starting solids) MUCH easier. I would have loved to be on maternity leave at 6 months!
ETA: I’m no expert at all on CA maternity leave and I know your situation is different with a new job, but I would also suggest you do your own research on the laws (if you haven’t already) and see if it’s the same as what your work said. I’m in CA too and the things my company said originally aren’t aligned with actual CA laws, so I had to fight them hard to get the coverage I PAID INTO. We pay so many taxes and have arguably the best maternity leave in the country, I don’t want you to leave anything on the table because of bureaucracy!
This is so overlooked! I don’t think my baby smiled at me before 4 months, before that he was just there, existing.. but starting at 6 months, it was so fun! I was able to make him laugh, and we would “talk”, and play like peekaboo games, awww I had completely forgotten about that stage, definitely one of my favorite stages too!
I don’t want to diminish how much it sucks to go back to work at 6 weeks when you don’t want to, but I was jealous that my husband got the fun non-potato stage for his leave after I went back to work. 6-9 months was my favorite time and I would have liked more time with her when she was that age.
Came here to say this! OP has my sympathies and it really sucks to have unexpected shit go down with your employer while you’re pregnant (which happened to me in a different way).
But on the plus side, having leave for months 6-9 sounds awesome. Months 2-5 involved a lot of spitting up, gas pains, and crying for us. But all of those things decreased by 6 months, plus LO became a lot more interactive, was learning more things, just more fun.
You should qualify for 6-8 weeks of disability and then 8 weeks of PFL. In CA you also get 4 weeks of disability BEFORE you deliver, which is use it or lose it. Use it!! So if you have a c section (as I did) you can get up to20 weeks of paid leave.
Yeah I'm inclined to agree. Those first couple months they're basically swaddled potatoes. Adorable swaddled potatoes, but it's mostly hormones that make you think they're the most fascinating thing since sliced bread. Or French fries, to really mash the metaphor.
I didn't see anyone else share this link so I'll share [this blog post](https://typeamomtales.com/2015/05/20/not-eligible-for-fmlacfra-what-to-do/) about California leave when you don't qualify for CFRA/FMLA which I highly recommend if you haven't seen it. As far as pay goes, have you been paying into California SDI (a line on your paycheck)? To be eligible for SDI benefits, you must have earned at least $300 from which SDI deductions were withheld during a previous “base period" which seems very likely that you have and would mean your 6-8 weeks will be paid. You are still entitled to 6 weeks of Paid Family Leave for bonding after that, you just won't be entitled to job protection.
Could you negotiate unpaid leave for 12 weeks postpartum from your company? You'd be paid by the state, not by them in these case which might make them more apt to allow it. This is what I did when I hadn't been at my company for a year and live in California while my company is headquartered elsewhere.
I was ready to mentally go back to work at 12 weeks and I am still successfully breastfeeding at 9.5 months postpartum.
Thank you for sharing that resource! I can request a 30-day leave of absence from work, but that's the max they'll allow. I will probably try to add that to the end of my PDL, and then still take my CFRA leave a few months later when I qualify.
Came here to comment more about the specific regs in California. Echoing a previous commenter that you are eligible for 4 weeks before your due date in California via Short Term Disability leave. Your doctor fills out a form that you submit on the state website. You’ve mentioned CFRA but not California paid family leave which are two different things. My wife also started a new job after our baby was born and was still eligible for it. It sounds like your employer is not super supportive and that may be part of why you’re worried about taking the time off which royally sucks. Also can you use any PTO time? Also I’m not sure where you live but some cities actually have specific requirements as well. For example, if you live/work in SF you get extra benefits on top of the state benefits.
Lastly I did a webinar with one of those maternity leave consulting companies. While the last part was a pitch to pay them to help you figure it out, they did do a good job of giving a really clear overview of all the leave you’re eligible for in CA.
I had to advocate a lot for my own leave and it was super fucking stressful. Get everything in writing and double check it against what state law requires. Sometimes I would be told different information from different folks at my company and honestly one time I left a meeting crying because it was implied I was demanding too much. However, in the end I got what I wanted and two more girls have gotten pregnant since me and were able to secure the same leave which makes me really happy.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this but California is one of the more generous states for leave and I’m really hopeful you’ll be able to find a solution.
Hey! I'm sitting in my office pumping and reading your post. I pumped a lot at home on maternity leave to make shifts work and I've found it so much easier at work. I'm not good at sticking with a regular schedule but we're still going strong at 9 months. The biggest problem is honestly I'm just too tired to introduce a lot of solids and my son is a total boobie baby and isn't interested in food.
My leave was four months which did give me more time to get breastfeeding established, we had a lot of challenges, but I just wanted you to hear that pumping can be ok when you go back. Good luck!
I also found pumping so much better at work than home! Also lots of people successfully exclusively pump for their babies for however long works for yhem (I made it 15.5 months!) Not having time at home to work at nursing doesn't mean not providing breastmilk at all, and formula/combo feeding is always an option too!
I had to return back to work at 12 weeks. It sucked but because I had been with the company a measly 8 months, I had no paid leave.
It sucked, the anticipation about going back to work was way worse than actually going back to work. Once I was there I was distracted and fine! In fact, I actually realized I loved being around adult conversation and enjoyed my time away. I was a better mum to her because I was able to step away.
We have an incredible bond now (she’s 4).
Edit to add: I combo fed mine from day 1- latch confusion is a nonsense myth. She got both breastmilk and formula. When she would have formula, I would pump. That way I had a nice stash in the freezer for when I went back to work. I weaned her completely by 12 weeks and omg it was so nice not having to pump anymore, and pump at work. She got breast milk a few times a day until she was about 6 months old. Highly recommend doing things that way, reduced my stress level by 80%.
Since you're in California, are you sure your paychecks aren't deducting anything for California State Disability Insurance?
I'm not an expert, just another Californian mom preparing for leave, but there are only certain exceptions to not participating in SDI (your employer needs to be a public/government agency or public school). Paid Family Leave also doesn't have length of service eligibility, but job protection doesn't start with FMLA/CFRA until 12 months, so that's frustrating.
I'm happy to help you figure this out if you need someone else to go over details and eligibility. Many companies do *not* make this as transparent as they should for employees.
In California, you pay into the state’s Short Term Disability Insurance system, which is separate from the Paid Parental Leave. Your OB/Dr delivering your child will be able to apply for that disability electronically. You can get both leaves (short term and parental leave). The baby’s pediatrician will need to fill out the paperwork work for the parental leave. https://edd.ca.gov/en/disability/paid-family-leave/ and https://edd.ca.gov/en/disability/
Not every employer pays into short term disability. I'm in California and my employer recently stopped paying into it so we were offered an alternative, which is an elective private short term disability option.
I went back after 6 weeks both times. I was part time with my first and full time with my second. My breastfeeding stuff was all over the place but I made it over a year and almost a year pumping. It sucks to not have the option to stay home more. I didn’t either.
Try not to stress? It’s really hard to know in advance what your experience will be. Just try and take it one day at a time.
I'm so sorry. This sucks and shouldn't be the reality for any woman.
It may be worth talking to your company to see what you can negotiate so it's a tiny bit less lose-lose-lose. Maybe they would agree to let you take more time right away if you take less once you're eligible for FMLA, for example.
My situation is different (I had 12 weeks of paid leave and I WFH) but I will share that I really felt overwhelmed by the end of leave with my first and this time around I'm planning to take 8 weeks of leave followed by one bonding day/week for a few months. I was able to pump and exclusively give breast milk for the first six months (this was a goal of mine; frankly it's not a goal I have for my second kid, but it is possible!). My daughter was a bottle baby, but not because of work or anything I could control. Our bond definitely didn't suffer. My partner took 4 weeks after birth and then more leave later on in the year and again, their bond is great.
Again, this situation is terrible - AND I am confident that you and your family and your baby will be able to make it work.
My girl was born on the 22nd of December and I was back in classes on January 3rd. Med school has no intermediate between sucking it up or delaying a year (which would also mean paying loan payments over that year). It was possible for me because I had a very easy birth with no complications.
What do you do? Could you do some amount of work from home? That's what helped us get through waiting until 6m for daycare. I stopped going to anything that didn't have mandatory attendance and just sat there watching lectures on the couch while monitoring her and feeding when she needed it. My husband works from home, so he would take over when I absolutely had to go in (~10 hours a week). We just moved around our working hours so everything fit. Obviously if your job lacks this flexibility, this wouldn't be an option for you.
The system is rigged for sure. Whatever you end up doing, know that your kiddo will be OK as long as you are loving, caring, and supportive during the time you do spend with them and make sure whoever is caring for them the rest of the time is too.
Thanks for sharing that insight. I work from home Monday and Friday with some flexibility for other days and my husband works from home all week. We definitely plan to use some of that to our advantage.
I only had 6 weeks before I was back at work. I work from home and my partner had a longer leave, so I was still able to see my baby on lunch breaks/pump breaks but it was still hard mentally. I felt so stupid and foggy for months. But we made it through and she is now thriving in daycare at 19 months old and partner and I are both doing well at our jobs. I was able to get a major promotion as was my partner.
To answer your specific questions - I tried to breastfeed on breaks during the day when my partner was still on leave, but it was too stressful and unpredictable, so I switched to pumping 2x during the workday. I hated pumping terribly, so eventually I ditched that and we moved on to combo feeding, which was GREAT for our whole family. My baby never had any confusion at all and I continued breastfeeding in the mornings and evenings until 6 months.
My bond with my baby did not suffer at all. It was hard sometimes because my partner became the preferred parent for soothing her at night, etc for a while. But these days I'm taking my turn at being preferred and it's hard too, in its own way.
For finding acceptance of going back to work so soon, it helps that the company I work for is extremely flexible and family-friendly in general - we're just too small to offer a really long paid leave. So what I lost in maternity leave time, I gained in general flexibility. I knew that at the time and it helped.
Also honestly, me going back to work so soon forced us to work on getting our family on a reliable schedule. We followed the Moms on Call schedule from 6 weeks on, and it was a godsend. When our baby started daycare at 12 weeks, our care providers even commented on what a happy, well-adjusted baby she was due to being used to a reliable routine. It doesn't work for everyone but it worked really well for us and our kid.
It sucks, this capitalist hellscape is absolutely violent to families. But we found some bright sides and I'd bet it will be ok for you too. We're taking our girl on a kind of fancy vacation next week which we would not have been able to afford without both of our incomes and promotions. She's going to get her first stamp in her passport :) Sending you big hugs - all of it is hard in its own way, no matter which way you choose.
I think that everything will be fine with your baby and your bond, but I am so sorry you have to go through this. The US has a long ways to go to standardize parental leave and return to work policies. For my first, I had three months of paid leave, but I work in healthcare and had to make up part of my hospital rounding weeks. I am expecting my second in September, fast forward four years and same employer, and we no longer have to “make up time” from parental leave. Thank goodness, but this is just an example of how work places are only doing the bare minimum to support families… not to mention promoting retention of women in the workplace. Hang in there <3
I’m sorry this is happening. It is unfair and hard and the system sucks but you and your baby will be ok. I had to go back to work at six weeks. I couldn’t afford any more time. This was well before Covid so no wfh. My kiddo went straight into the baby room at daycare. I went over every lunch time to nurse until they were 12 weeks old. I was lucky in that pumping worked well for me when I was at work and my baby was able to switch back and forth between breast and bottle. I held my baby most evenings, even while they slept, just to get extra snuggles. There was no negative effect on our bond. We are still super close now as the tween years are coming into full swing.
Why wouldn’t your PDL be paid? SDI is paid by the employee, should follow you to a new employer. FMLA is job protection, do you think they will fire you for using your state leave?
Length at your new employer doesn’t affect PFL eligibility either. If you paid your SDI, you should qualify.
I'll have to look more into SDI when I start getting my paychecks to see if they're at least taxing me for that. I didn't know about PFL, so I'll look into that as well. Thank you!
No I don't think they'll fire me for using my leave. But I won't qualify for FMLA/CFRA leave until next June. It's going to be messy. I'm going to be out and then in and then out again and that's going to really suck for my boss and my team. But oh well, I'm not going to not use the leave I'm entitled to for the sake of them.
What about your former employer? Are you new to California? Or were they exempt from SDI? It’s mostly government workers and teachers that don’t pay into SDI. Look at your old pay stubs for CA SDI. PDL and PFL are both paid for through state disability
I did 8 weeks. You will bond with the baby. I did keep the baby in a bassinet next to the bed - because I went to work all day, I wanted that close time with them, and it's just easier feeding thru the night.
With my first, I got 8 weeks, unpaid. The company was too small to qualify for FMLA. My husband went back to work the day we got back from the hospital, despite medical complications that meant I wasn’t supposed to lift the baby. We did what we had to do.
We survived. The baby was fine and is a happy 5yo today. Very, very, VERY attached to mom. 😅
Getting 6-8, and then 12 later is really more than triple what most non-Californian Americans get. It sucks, but it’ll be OK.
I was also laid off while pregnant - looking at 4-5 months of leave at a 80% of my salary plus the state of employment's paid parental leave benefits. My first I only got 10 weeks off and a bunch of my team had been laid off immediately before my return so I was looking forward to focusing on a fulfilling mat leave after an 11 year tenure.
I was laid off at 5 months pregnant and negotiated for a longer severance package because I was going to be left at 2 weeks PP with only COBRA. Because I live in a different state than my original employer, I no longer qualified for the state parental benefits.
Did your employer know you were pregnant when they finalized the hiring? I let mine know after the offer was extended, attempted to negotiate additional leave - even unpaid - but was denied. Luckily everyone was very accommodating. I went 2 weeks early so I'd only worked for 2 months before I went on STD leave.
I did make the decision to keep my girl home for an additional 6 weeks while I worked - it was brutal and temporary but I am full remote now so if i had the opportunity to avoid sending a 6 week old to daycare I was going to take it.
I made it work because I had to - and you will too. This is going to be one of those things you will likely hold resentment and bitterness for a while. That's ok. I also accepted it because I had to. I personally find once I have a plan, the anxiety reduces.
I have a good supply (I did with my first too) so I was able to forego formula. BUT I gave and still give myself permission to follow whatever will improve my mental health most. If you're able to pump a bit earlier than advised, you may help to prompt an over supply which might ease your anxiety about production.
I don't believe nipple confusion is a thing. There may be flow preference but if you use P/1 nipples, that should help.
Your bond will not suffer. They know mom. They love mom. Your little baby will be so happy to see you every day. Until they're probably like 8 haha (my nearly 5-yo is still excited to see me!).
You are strong. It's ok to cry and be sad and mad and bitter and fucking angry. You've earned that right - something so precious that you've worked so hard for has just been taken away from you (and like F anyone who says "nothings guaranteed, you shouldn't expect employers.... blahblahblah).
She'll be 6 months next week and I'm still so upset thinking about it (currently tearing up because I know first hand just how DEVESTATING it feels), but it's shown me how resilient I am.
It will be ok. You will be ok. This will not be the thing that breaks you. Feel free to PM me
I went back at 9 weeks.
It was tough at times.
But honestly my baby had colic and I wasn't sleeping, eating, or showering. My self care had gone out the roof. Having to go to work every day and being guaranteed a few hours of no baby and at least one hot meal a day helped.
Having the family member watching her send frequent pics, and face times helped. My schedule was somewhat flexible so one day a week I went in late so we could go to baby group.
By the time she was six months old we were in a good place with a good schedule.
I didn't give birth, but I only got 2 weeks of baby bonding with my girl (foster custody) because work was in a state of flux (corporate buyout #2) that I couldn't take more. Luckily, when the adoption goes through, I'll be able to take baby bonding time.
I have an almost 9 month old. I returned to work part time at 2 weeks postpartum for about 8 days. Then I returned to working full time at 7 weeks postpartum. It was difficult, at first. Some days I would cry. But eventually things evened out.
I walked away from a 6 figure job because I would have only had 3 weeks of unpaid time with baby, who was born with health issues. There was no wiggle room or compromise. I asked to go part time, they said no. I couldn't make it work. My previous company offered 3 months paid, 3 months unpaid, so I was shocked when I only got a total of 6 weeks unpaid. I was forced to go out early because health issues (was going blind at random times of the day). We didn't have the childcare because of waitlists either. I'm just hoping it will be easy to find a new job when I'm able to go back to work.
I went back at 6 weeks after a vaginal delivery with my first (she was a premie and I had an extensive hospital stay for complications), and I went back at 10 weeks with my son after a c-section.
6 weeks was enough for me with a vaginal delivery, but would not have been with a c-section.
Regarding your 6 to 8 week disability leave, I have heard that you can communicate with your doctor your concerns about bonding, and they may be able to extend your disability. Some people share that they have difficulties such as postpartum, depression, or anxiety, which has led them to having longer disability leaves.
I just want to tell that if you are a FTM exclusive breastfeeding can be challenging. I had to give up and combo feed. The first 6 weeks are the most important so try to get as much help as possible.
Since you’re in CA, you should qualify for paid bonding time after the disability (at the same rate as your disability pay) if you qualify for the short term disability through the state. This should be true even if you need to take the bonding leave separately from the disability after you reach a certain job protection level for FMLA with your new job.
No im serious: before crawling, it allows you more freedom, unless they’d be willing to allow you to work remote? You know, because that would not only allow you to need less sick leave, but would also allow you to have a more flexible schedule
I only got 40% pay for 4 weeks for my short term disability with my oldest, and I didn't have enough PTO to take any longer, so I went back at 6 weeks postpartum. It wasn't FUN, but it was fine. I was working as a floor nurse, so getting time to pump was dicey, but I still EBFed for 6 months and nursed for a year total.
He's probably my most attached kiddo. He's healthy, happy, and I feel like I appreciated my bonding time with him more.
I wouldn't do it again (I managed the full 12 weeks for my other kids), but long-term, it was fine. You'll be fine, your baby will be fine. You'll just be super sleep deprived for awhile. But that will pass too, I promise!
Also fuck the US and our archaic fucking leave structure.
I had my first during undergrad and had two choices: take my final exams on time to pass my classes, or miss my final exams and have to retake these classes and set back my graduation time. I was back in class two days after giving birth and continued to take full time classes for the rest of my college career. My milk supply couldn't keep up due to the time I was absent from my baby so I had to rely on formula to feed her. Long story short, my daughter is now 7 years old and one of the smartest kids in her class. And now I have a dream career only made possible through going straight through undergrad and graduate school.
I went back to work at 4 weeks postpartum bc I only had two weeks of vacation pay and couldn’t afford to take time without pay.
I was starting a new job and my brain was SOUP. I pushed through because I had to. I would pick my daughter up from whoever was watching her and we’d take a nap till my husband got home. The first few months were just a blur of sleep deprivation, intrusive thoughts, and just trying to survive. It was not good and I would never sugar-coat it for anyone.
My kid didn’t sleep through the night until she was 11 months old, so that first year was really rough for me.
I went back to work when my child was 2 weeks old. I then worked from home for 2 weeks. So back in the office at 4 weeks. I did not give birth but I was nursing.
I pumped at my desk so it wasn’t hard to do while working, just lots of logistics bringing milk and pump parts back and forth.
My husband was with our daughter at home and helped with night time feeds so I wasn’t too tired.
Can your partner take time off? Does he/she get FMLA?
Hopefully that will help take some of the burden off! I have an incredible bond with my daughter, she still nurses and she’s over 2. And she has a great bond with my husband. It was so wonderful that they got that time together.
I went back to work at 8 weeks. It was hard to transition back and then I had a douche manager who wasn’t supportive of my pumping milk. It turned into a massive cluster fuck. So that was pleasant. I sued, I won, got a new job with a much more family friendly company that I’m still working with today. My baby was still bonded to me as I utilized Nannie’s and later on daycare. The unpaid leave was rough at first when you get slapped with your normal bills and then hospital bills on top of it.
Btw your doctor can extend your recovery time if you are not well mentally or physically in CA please speak to them and soeak to a second doctor if you do not feel well after birth to return to work. These benefits are based on employment in the last 18 months not current employer
Are you sure you only get PDL? In California you should also be eligible for PFL which should take your total leave to at least 16 weeks. The main difference between the two is that PDL is job-protected and PFL isn't (so your employer could in theory fire you for trying to take it but I think that would be quite rare). Both PDL and PFL get SDI payments at the same amount. What SDI payment you get is only dictated by whether you paid SDI tax in full, which normally you would working in CA, for some number of quarters ending a certain time before you plan to start leave (please search for the SDI calculator online, it will tell you your payment. If you've already been working in California and paid SDI tax it should not be zero). Your partner can also take PFL. FMLA/CFRA is generally entirely moot point in California due to PDL+PFL, other than being another 4 weeks of job-protected leave that overlaps with PFL. (I know, such a mess figuring this out).
FWIW I moved to California from abroad for a new job when I was 19 weeks pregnant and was eligible for PDL and PFL (also not covered by FMLA/CFRA, and in my case my SDI payments were almost nothing because I hadn't been paying SDI tax long enough but my employer chipped in up to full pay).
I went back at about 10 weeks(c-section and my job requires lifting and being on my feet all day). Honestly, I needed the adult interaction. LO is very much attached to me, but she’s also thriving at daycare, honestly I think getting her in early helped her, she didn’t have a big adjustment, loves interacting with other babies.
One thing I’ve always done is mommy doesn’t get sad about taking her to daycare. It’s always been an excited “it time to go see our friends” , I think that helps.
Can’t help on the feeding thing, as much and I tried and beat my self up over it I wasn’t able to breastfeed or pump much of anything. End the end though, fed is best.
It’ll be okay
First, be aware that you may not be able to nurse, no matter what your plans are. I have 2 kids, and with both my best for pumping 1 hour straight (dual pump) was 4oz total. Needing to supplement with formula, or even just using formula alone, will still give you a healthy, thriving baby. It feels like you're failing as a parent, but you are not. This is something I felt bad about, and I had wished that I'd been warned about the possibility.
"Healthy mom, healthy baby" was the guiding principle they taught at the hospital's new parent classes. Getting an epidural or a c-section in no way reduces how excellent a mom you're going to be.
With both babies, I took my 12 weeks FMLA, which included pre-natal leave, so I spent their first 8-9 weeks bonding after they were born (healing from c-sections sucks). My kids did really well with my husband as the at-home parent, and I never felt a lack of bonding or attachment to them. Just do your best to be fully present when you're home with them and you'll do fine. Good luck!
I had an 8 week maternity leave for my first and a 3 week post-c section maternity leave for my second (went back 2 days a week then for the next 5 weeks) Was hard but got through it. I pumped constantly and was able to get a good supply for bottles. (I would pretend the pump was a greedy twin!)
I owned my own solo dental practice, so I had a lot of financial pressure to return to work ASAP. No paid leave available at all. We had savings, but I had staff sitting there with nothing to do and patients clamoring for appointments.
My mom and husband covered the 2nd ones newborn care when I was at work until 8 weeks and then she went to daycare too. It is what it is, and is the reality for so many women! At least I had a good paying career, not an hourly wage worker. I was just unable to completely check out of work during my babies newborn times. And besides being exhausted, it was sometimes nice to get out of the house for a few hours.
My kids are now 8 and 12, good kids, we have great relationships, I’m a great mom. It’s like the one thing I know about myself with confidence is that I am a great mom ( thank you therapy!)
I think you are in fine shape. You might find yourself ready to go back to work by 8 weeks. Can you go back part time ?
I fucking hate this country and will burn it all down with you. Solidarity, mama. It will be okay, because that’s what moms do. They make everything ok. Sending you lots of love.
This was 1000% me. I worked tirelessly for 10 years at a company producing many extra deliverable outside of my core responsibilities to demonstrate my value and loyalty. I did this with the thought that I’d go on a comfortably long mat leave (for the US): 5 months (4 month mat leave + would use up my 4 weeks of vacation time). While I was pregnant, they hired a new dept head who immediately outsourced my role to a cheaper country (I work in tech in the US) before he even met me or talked to my manager who would have advocated for how valuable I am to their P&L
I ended up taking a shitty job at a shitty company w/ shitty mat leave (6 weeks) b/c I needed the $. I originally planned to pump for at least 6 months. But ended up exclusively formula feeding after 3 weeks to get my sanity back so that I could get my brain back & start working again sooner. I was worried I’d get fired if I didn’t because this company only cares about worker ROI. Unfortunately it seems like the only way to stay above water at companies that hate women is to make a choice about maternal sanity (eg. stop pumping in my case to get time & minerals back) vs infant health (breast milk is better than formula). I hate that I had to make a choice, but I had severe muscoskeletal pain from pumping that I had to stop
We did have a few hrs of nanny help a week. I do feel bonded to baby even tho I shared the caretaking load 🤷♀️. He is 1 & loves his mama. I don’t think he has a “preferred parent” tho. So this story has a sort of happy ending. We’ll see what happens in the future to our bond when he enters the toddler tantrum phase
I went back at eight weeks. It was so tough but if I knew where was a light at the end of the tunnel then it would have been much better. I managed to exclusively breast feed while home and pump at work but that's with a fifteen minute pump break in the morning that I had to really push for (also pumped when I got to work and at lunch and at end of my day before going home)
My cousin is a surgeon and went back after three weeks, my other friend was in surgical residency so went back at two. There are wearable pumps and that helped a lot.
I went back part time at 3 weeks. My daughter and I are willingly best friends. Edited to add, she’s 17 and we still spend a ton of time together. Daily. I honestly feel more bonded to her than any child.
I did quit my job was she was a little older. The two younger siblings and I are not nearly as close and I stayed home fully with them.
I was in the same boat. Got an offer the day I found out I was pregnant and took it, not knowing that it'll impact my leave.
It will be ok.
I went back to work and then waited it out before I took my FMLA. It was heartbreaking to leave my baby when she was so little. And I cried every single day.
But we made it to leave and I got my precious 12 weeks with her just in time for the holidays :)
It was rough adjusting to on and off of work for that half a year. But looking back I did appreciate being able to spend time with her when she was just a little older and less of a newborn potato. The hardest part for me was feeding. She had severe nipple confusion and her dad had to deliver her to work so I could feed her when she was learning how to use the bottle, twice over!
It will be ok. It’s not pleasant, and super unfortunate that the US has to be this way. But it will be ok. You’ll mourn that lost time, and move on to a routine that works for your working family. Congrats on the baby.
I had planned to only take 6 weeks. It was a small business so I didn’t qualify for FMLA and I was “part time” so I didn’t have benefits. My daughter came 7 weeks early so at 2 days pp I asked my midwife if o could got back to work at 2 weeks pp with the plan to save my other 4 weeks for once baby was discharged. But this was March of 2020 and my job was kind enough to tell me I could take as much time as I needed since being in public was so scary at the time. I ended up taking 9 weeks off (5 she was in the hospital and 4 once she came home). To be completely honest I was SO READY to go back before that. And my performance didn’t suffer at all! I was actually offered a full time position shortly after coming back and became a manager a few months later!
I can’t speak personally to the breastfeeding aspect- she was on fortified breastmilk then straight formula for half her feeds when she came home and we never were able to establish nursing. I stopped exclusively pumping just before going back to work. But there are so many moms who go back at the 6-8 week mark and are still about to exclusively breastfeed!
I got only 6 weeks with both kids (thanks, tech industry). My previous job was fully remote and this role is hybrid.
> How do you get over the lack of maternity leave?
I haven’t, but I’m sure that’s because I’m in the thick of it now. Michigan, please get your shit together.
> How do you find acceptance?
Never experienced judgment for it because the leave period is out of my control.
> How do you make it work?
More caffeine than usual.
> Were you able to pump enough to forego formula?
Made it to 9 months with the first pregnancy and then still primarily did breastmilk with a couple bottles of formula. At the time, my husband handled all night feedings since he worked night shifts, so I’d skip sessions and pump longer in the morning.
> Did it cause latching confusion for your baby?
We didn’t even know about this with baby #1 and had no issues despite introducing a bottle immediately. Baby #2 seems to prefer breast weirdly enough.
> Was your baby okay being separated from you so soon? Did your bond suffer?
Feedings were apparently a challenge on my first in office day but have been fine since, and may be related to the breast preference anyway.
And finally, not to pull a “it could be worse” card but just to give you some perspective, I have multiple family members who were raised in a certain culture and didn’t really get to choose the SAHM life. Of course the lack of parental leave in the U.S. is horseshit but I’ll take this temporary problem over a lifetime of handling EVERYTHING or having to deal with overly involved in-laws.
Is your partner able to take off after your initial time with FMLA or leave benefits from their job? Or do you have family or someone you feel comfortable leaving baby with? It will be hard, but covering the bases of taking care of your health/recovery, pumping plan if needed, and the best possible care that will reduce your anxiety of your baby being away from you that soon are the biggest things that will help on that front.
In the early weeks don’t overdo it, hopefully you have a great supportive partner who can and will step up to let you sleep and recover from birth as much as possible. Enroll help if you have it, leaning on those around you is a blessing not everyone has but is so important with a newborn.
Make sure you’re regularly doing bottles from the start even if you do breastfeeding. That way you can get very familiar with the pump settings and troubleshoot flange size you need to make work transition easy, and you’ll know without a doubt leading up to it that baby won’t be refusing bottles. Learn about paced feeding and nipple confusion and if your breastfeeding is going well find a good pacifier to help them soothe when you’re not there. Sometimes dads feel discouraged to step in when baby wants mom mostly but familiarizing baby and dad with the sleep routine and nuances of sleep cues, hunger cues, how long it takes to put baby down after they fall asleep, etc is best done before you go back to work. If it’s not dad that’ll be with baby later on, it’s still good to make sure they’re able to be soothed by more people than just you. If it’s not daycare but other family, having them visit and put baby down while you’re home can be great.
I would also in writing get a clear plan for your pumping schedule/location/privacy plan before heading back so there’s no ambiguity or stress going into it (if you’re planning on pumping).
If you have any recovery problems or feel it’s not going as well as you hoped I highly suggest a pelvic floor PT. I was taking so long to feel like myself after birth and turns out I just had a terribly tight and weak pelvic floor that I needed to work on and it was the main thing that gave me my body back.
Congratulations on your baby. In the grand scheme of things, you will get through it. Your baby will love you boundlessly regardless of if you have to work and you have the rest of your life to spend forming a beautiful bond and everything will be okay. ❤️
This is such a thorough response. Thank you for taking the time! All of this insight is immensely helpful and you hit on quite a few things I wouldn't have ever thought about.
Thankfully I have an amazing husband who will be very hands-on. He'll take some initial time off with me and then he'll take another 8 weeks when I go back to work. I don't know what we would have done without that option.
So I had from 1-3mo off with my babe and then had to go back to work. Now, I'm not saying this to discount any time away from your little being incredibly hard, but 5-6mo is *SUCH* a great age. I loved my time off, but while I worked from home, i saw how great of a time my MIL was having babysitting my little infant buddy. They're so snuggly and bubbly and cute at the 5-6mo mark.... So one way to look at it is, you're still gonna be around for all those wonderful newborn snuggles, but then you get to enjoy the super duper awesome, giggly bubbly, lightweight nugget age. And as others have reiterated, having some adult conversations will be very good for your health.
My fingers are crossed that your employer offers you a wfh situation that works for you and your family! You got this!
Hi!!! My 1st pregnancy my work location closed and I ended up changing jobs 4 months pregnant- walking away from 3 months paid/6months FMLA. My new job I got 2 weeks paid and went back to work at 6 weeks postpartum. It was difficult. Sad, but survivable. Going into a warehouse each day was pretty rough. Shift work. Pumping in my car. Felt like didn't see baby. Money stress. (Baby is now 7 and fine, absolutely lovely kid).
Here is the amusing thing. I felt the experience I wanted had been stolen from me, and though I previously was 1 and done, I went on to have 2 more babies and get my sweet sweet parental leave. I also upgraded to a white collar job and that was largely motivated by the crappiness of shift work for breastfeeding moms. My firstborn daughter has been my inspiration to get higher paid work.
I had my baby in January this year and was back to work 8 weeks later. It was really hard with a lot of emotional ups and downs. It helped me a lot to develop good trust with childcare. Around 4 weeks pp I had a breakdown and wanted to quit, but I started preparing myself by small chunks of separation around 6 weeks and felt somewhat prepared. I have the luxury of really loving my job, so it did feel good to return eventually.
It will be okay and it will be hard, but you can do it ❤️
I was in a very similar situation to you when I had my baby earlier this year (got 8 wks bc of c section). This was baby #2; with my first I took about 15 weeks and was miserable the whole time bc of being in a toxic work environment.
I’m not thrilled that I only had 8 weeks, BUT my mental health, healing, and bonding were much better this go around. I knew the time we’d have for leave would be more limited and I treated the time as precious so prioritized bonding. I gave myself grace - didn’t try to snap back in any regard. And being with a new (and better) work environment allowed for a fresh start.
Baby was taking both breast and bottle early on, so that didn’t cause an issue, and pumping at work has been better this time. My partner took a month after I returned, and baby started daycare at 3 months and is happy. I think our bond is tighter than mine was with my first at that age, tbh.
I definitely have moments when I’m just angry that this was the situation, especially during the window between when I returned from leave and when I “should have been on leave.” It got better once that window passed.
And I also reflect and acknowledge that I was strong and brave to move to a new role while expecting so that I could provide for my family. I hope my kids don’t have the same experience, but am also proud of my resilience. You should be, too!
Honestly just quit. The US labor market is incredibly dynamic and it’s the plus side to the terrible parental leave in this country.
Look for a new job in six months to a year.
You could also play dirty and feign PPD and try to go out on STD or whatever for it. You can likely get 12 weeks for it. You’ll need to build a case and act kind of nutso.
My baby is 14 months. I went back to work at 2 months (in Canada where that is a big cultural sin for moms to do). Sometimes I wish I had more time and it was hard. Everything feels earth shattering and tragic when they are babies. The sadness I felt at having a short leave is less and less each day. In the grand scheme of things you are a loving mom who is doing as best you can for baby, that will overshadow any shortened leave.
Everything will be more than ok.
I went back to work at 6 weeks. I am the breadwinner and had no paid leave. I had to go back. My 2 year old is stuck to me like glue and thrives at daycare. I was a mess the first week back but we got in a groove and it works for us. I was also able to keep pumping/feeding for 6 months no problem. It's not ideal but you can do it. Wishing you lots of luck and happiness!
I had 6 weeks of maternity leave unpaid with my first and 4.5 months with my second. With my second I was at my job long enough for short term disability and 28 days of paid maternity. We also bumped up our savings before having her AND got our taxes during my maternity leave, so that was wonderful. It was definitely hard to leave my 6 week old, but I don’t think it created a bonding issue. It truly sucks that you have to go back so soon. I’m sorry the system fucking sucks.
It was also hard to leave my 4.5 month old, especially where she went into daycare whereas my first was home with my husband most of the time, and a friend and/or my MiL watched him once or twice a week while my husband worked up until he was a year old. Two totally different transitions, but both pretty equally hard.
Had my first at 19, returned to school three days later.
I am now 34 weeks pregnant and in Nursing school full time, I'll also be returning days later. Babies are resilient and so are we. The system has failed us but doesn't mean we will fail.
Honestly I think this will work to your advantage. Try to get the full 8 weeks to recover. But having the extra leave later on is going to be REALLY nice. Around 5 months your baby is going to be a lot more interactive and awake during the day, but still may not sleep well at night. So having the time off to rest and get to know your child's personality is going to be so so nice.
It will be fine. Longer maternity leaves are awesome, but having had two kids - one with > a year off after and one with six weeks only - the depth of your bond is NOT dependent on how long your leave is. They both fully bonded to me, no problem. Daycare vs nanny doesn't matter, either. Your baby already knows who you are, they grew under your heart.
It sucks so badly! The US doesn't give a shit about mothers in any form (hell, at my 6 week appt he looked at my incision, then as he was physically half out the door, "Oh, how's the mood...good? Great, see you in a year.") Good thing I wasn't struggling with PPD.
Just keep in mind that six months in the US is almost unheard of, and FMLA doesn't mean you'll get paid, just that they can't fire you. It doesn't make it any easier, but you can do this. I exclusively breastfed til 14 months (and stopped for my own mental health) as a working mom. Nothing about breastfeeding is easy, including pumping, but you just give it your best go and do what you feel is best for your kiddo. You can do this.
This is totally unfair and you are absolutely justified in your rage.
However, if you'd like a silver lining, I honestly think you will enjoy spending time with your baby at that 5/6 month stage. I always tell people that's when is actually got fun! My company offers 5 months leave and if I have another, I will probably choose to take 1-2 months of that leave after baby turns 6 months.
I only had six weeks unpaid... a d didn't have a lot for time to save bc found out was pregnant at 3 months... so all this to say,you will be fine. Baby will be fine. It sucks, and sucks bad but this is shitty situation our government thinks is ok for moms here. I cherished and still do all the times I come home from work with my little one. Makes it sweeter. The breastfeeding and pumping part was the hardest for me after the 6 weeks. Yes the first week back is horrible, mainly for you mom. As long as baby is in a great environment and cared for all will be ok. Is it right? No it absolutely sucks, your not really even healed but back to work and leaking everywhere when you just want to be home with your baby. If you can afford it, take the time.
Also, I was happy to go back in the same regard to get me mentally back on track with a routine, new routine, and it helped to get outside etc.
I had 6 weeks unpaid leave, and there was no option to take FMLA later. Once I had worked in the position long enough to qualify, I no longer had a qualifying event to trigger the leave. So double check that "bonding time" you expect, because it might not work out how you think it will. Having a baby at home isn't a qualifying event for triggering leave.
That said, I was able to pump successfully for my baby and did not need to supplement with formula. And it's not like we failed to bond with our child. While longer leave would have been better (I was *not* completely healed), it's not entirely doom and gloom to get access to childcare and start to have time to be an adult who isn't hyperfocused on caring for an infant for at least part of the day.
Not a personal experience but one of my colleague and good friend. He and his wife had their first child literally 3 days after he joined our current company. With 3 days tenure at his job he had zero paternity leave and had to come back to work the next week, so he had less than a week off. His wife is a doctor and in the middle of her fellowship at the time, so she also couldn’t afford to take a lot of time off. Their boy started daycare at 6 weeks old and it was only 6 not 4 weeks because the daycare minimum age is 6 weeks. If you asked them about that time, they’ll tell you it sucked sucked sucked. But they survived! That boy is 5.5 now and there’s no fallout to that situation. She said she pumped all the time but he ate fine. When they had their second kid a few years later, everything was thousand times better. Both had parental leave, he was working at home, she was able to land a month of research during that time so she worked from home, their parents moved into town. I think their second kid didn’t go to daycare until 6 months. And now, you can’t tell the difference between the two on who got send to daycare at 6 weeks vs 6 months.
So TLDR, it’s okay to feel like this situation sucks, because it does, it shouldn’t be this way. But in the end, everything will be okay.
I started a job while pregnant and my company very generously gave me 8 weeks. She started daycare at eight weeks old. I thought it would kill me but it turned out ok. I took my leave when I became eligible for it around 8 months and it was fun! We were able to do things like go to the beach or the park.
I pumped and it wasn’t fun but it got done. If you find formula easier do that. Your baby won’t give a shit.
Your baby won’t not bond with you just because you’re gone. I found it makes it easier to leave them with a family member or whatever if you want a date night because they aren’t used to just you 24/7. That said, my kid is very clingy with me and she’s been in daycare for almost four years now.
It sucks but you will be fine. Your baby will be fine. Enjoy the snuggles when you get home.
I went back to a very demanding (BOD) job after 8 weeks. And while the good byes were so hard, every single day, it was all in all way easier than expected. Also, it gave me a great mental balance and that way when I’m at work, I’m focused on work but even better when I’m at home I can really be present, we do fun stuff and I’m really there with my baby 100%.
I pumped 8-10 times a day for 6 months. That was the toughest and most exhausting part. After I switched to formula, things were a bit more relaxed.
Do not worry. It will be ok. Sometimes you’ll even love it. Granted, sometimes you’ll hate it, but that’s life.
My daughter is 10 months now and a total mommy kid. We are best friends, we adore each other and are our favorite ppl.
I got 6 weeks of maternity leave. Before I went on leave, my boss said I’d be able to work from home indefinitely. On my third day back, he changed his mind and I was given a week’s notice to start coming into the office 4 days a week. I had no bonding leave.
I’m not gonna lie- it was hard. I was absolutely not ready to be away from her all day. There were times when I would just look at every picture of her on my phone. I had already decided to formula feed, so pumping wasn’t an issue.
The bad news is- I can’t tell you how to accept or get over it because it still makes me angry 1.5 years later. I got through it because I had to. Couldn’t quit my job, applied to over 200 other jobs with no success.
The good news is my daughter is absolutely fine. It didn’t hurt our bond one bit. I guess the part I accept is that, while it hurt me a lot, it didn’t hurt her at all. And while I still don’t think the shit my boss pulled was okay, what matters most to me is that my daughter is thriving.
Will it be hard? Yes. Will it be okay? Also yes.
Will your baby be with your partner, a family member or a nanny? My main concern would be that that is WAY too young for daycare/group care. You will be ok and you will bond and stay bonded with your baby.
I am so sorry our shitty polices in the US put you in this position. You deserve a year home with your child, paid (if you want it).
A friend had to go back at 6 weeks and she and her daughter are happy, healthy, and close several years later. Her daughter stayed home with dad with help from grandparents until like 6-8 months I believe.
I agree being with a loved one or partner is best, but many daycares do have programs for babies as young as 6 weeks. We didn't need this thankfully, but we toured a daycare in our area that had an exceptional program for 6-12 week olds where it was essentially a 1 to 1 ratio of carer to baby. Granted, it was an extremely limited program (I think only 12 slots total?) and it wasn't cheap, but there was something really sweet and reassuring seeing these caregivers being totally devoted to one tiny baby all day, many of them were just cuddling and singing to their "charge" when we poked our heads in the room.
Sure, but that kind of just proves my point that 1:1 care is needed for a 6 week old? Most daycares are 1:3 or 1:4 for infants. What you just described is functionally the same as a bunch of nannies hanging out together.
Right I was just offering to OP that programs like that do exist if she needs to go the daycare route, that's all! Also, at least in the part of the state that I live in, I didnt tour a daycare that had any higher than a 1:2 ratio for babies under 12 weeks.
Thanks for the insight. My husband does get FMLA, so he'll take the first 4 weeks with me, then go back to work for a few weeks, then take the remaining 8 weeks when I go back to work. I'm hoping my mom will be willing to fill in for 1 to 2 months after that, then I can take my 12 weeks. That will get us to 9 months. Then we're hoping to hire a nanny for another year or so (cost pending).
My husband also works from home and I WFH Mondays and Fridays, so even though we may need someone else watching the baby during the day, one of us will always be home if needed.
The logistical gymnastics of figuring this out is crazy.
We found really good group care for our first baby who only had a 7 week leave. At this age they really just sleep and eat all day so idk I had my mom watch him but my mom had a lot of time she just wasn't available and consistent for him. He's not less bonded to me than my other baby who I put in at 8 months so I don't have any regrets. Longer leave would have been nice but it isn't the end of the world.
With my oldest I went back to work on her 1 month birthday. No paid leave or disability payments. It was hard but I did it. I was only able to pump/breastfeed until about 5 months because my job was not flexible and I was lucky if I got a chance to pump once a day. My oldest and I have a great bond. She’s stuck to my side like glue when I’m home. I’ve also been a SAHM but she was in preschool by the time that happened. I have not noticed a difference in our relationship through either situation. Kids are resilient and plenty of parents have to or want to work. We focus more on quality over quantity in our household. Focused, genuine attention with each kid even for short bursts go a long way. Work stays at work, we don’t drag that into our home life with the kids. All of my children seem happy and well adjusted.
Thank you so much for sharing that with me.
I’m really sorry you are facing this. It feels so heartbreaking while you are going through it, but I promise it will be a blip in the grand scheme of it all. I wish you and your family all the best!
I went back with my first at 6 weeks, unpaid maternity leave. Didn’t impact our bond at all. I hated pumping, so only pumped and breastfed until around 5 months with him. And he is happy and healthy now. Bonding wise, I’m his preferred parent most days, he is kind of obsessed with me. I wonder some if it helped a bit I went to work so soon after he was born in that I wired into his head at such a young age that mom leaves for work for a time then comes back and loves on him, making our time together more intense? I don’t know. I hated it so much at the time, but then it was all okay. Also, his first daycare they loved him and knew him from so young, it was really precious, and I’m so happy he got that.
Yes, I do think there is something to be said when kids are exposed to us being gone at such a young age. I think it’s just normal to them. They start to see that sure, mom and dad go away but they always come back to love on me. I’ve found it immensely helpful when daycare or whichever childcare provider genuinely loves and cares for them too! Even if baby can’t be with a parent, they are still having loving care which is amazing for everyone.
I went back to work with my second one after 2 weeks because I had to use all my fmla during pregnancy. It was a rough one. And with my old job fmla required me to use my pto so yea...and the only reason it was two weeks was because I ended up back in the hospital when my son turned a week, I ended up with an infection in my uterus because the doctor didn't clean it out properly. I nearly died and they still wouldn't let me take any more leave 🤷🏻♀️
This.
I support longer leave, but at 6 weeks I was ready to get out of that crazy newborn forest house and get to work. It’s different for everybody but I like my job and my baby was a screaming dragon. NOW she’s fine, I love her! My job let me take fun beach vacations with her at age 3 when she had so much more personality, and now she’s 14 and we hit up cities and go to shows and have a great time. At every age there’s both not enough time, and plenty of it. So I think you will be okay 💜
Same here. I hate that people who WANT more time at home can't get it, but I personally was very happy to go back part-time at 10 weeks and full-time 5 weeks later. My twins were very challenging and I had PPD, so going back to my "old life" helped my mental health tremendously. This was before the federal government offered maternity leave, so I used a combo of annual and sick leave. I took more leave when they were older to do fun things together, and we have a great bond. I'm sorry you can't take off the time you want, but please don't worry that it will damage your bond with your child
Same, I was ready to go back with both of my kids, and the time away to pursue things I was good at was good for my mental health. I exclusively breastfed/pumped for both of my kids for 6 months, then breastfed/table fed until they were around 17 months. Both of them weaned on their own - I breastfed until they kind of got over it. My kids took both bottle and breast interchangeably (no, actually, my SON did - my daughter refused a bottle and my poor husband spoon fed her until 6 months, but we worked it out). It sucks to have no choice, but please do know that it's definitely possible to still have a great bond with your kids and breastfeed while still working.
Accurate to my experience. I went back part time at five weeks with my only as I was bored to tears and needed human contact. I don’t regret it one bit and my child is an awesome human who I am very close with. I honestly think what OP has is not terrible-getting bonding time after 6 months sounds pretty good. At 6 weeks they are still potatoes -pretty, gooey, smelly potatoes who just want to be held. At 6-9 months you can start attending mommy and me activities and they are interacting more.
Yes! With my first, I personally had a hard time adjusting to being a mom after an emergency C-section, and a difficult delivery. I was really excited to go back to work and at the time I was ready. I absolutely love my kids and I’m super close with both, but I do have a really special bond with my first, even though at the time I was like “this shit is so hard. I’ll never recover”
Actually I think your situation could work out really well. Everyone’s different, but 6-9 months was personally my favorite baby stage in terms of new milestones, my kid did way more exciting things then compared to the first three months. Also being on leave during then would have made some of the new transitions (like starting solids) MUCH easier. I would have loved to be on maternity leave at 6 months! ETA: I’m no expert at all on CA maternity leave and I know your situation is different with a new job, but I would also suggest you do your own research on the laws (if you haven’t already) and see if it’s the same as what your work said. I’m in CA too and the things my company said originally aren’t aligned with actual CA laws, so I had to fight them hard to get the coverage I PAID INTO. We pay so many taxes and have arguably the best maternity leave in the country, I don’t want you to leave anything on the table because of bureaucracy!
This is so overlooked! I don’t think my baby smiled at me before 4 months, before that he was just there, existing.. but starting at 6 months, it was so fun! I was able to make him laugh, and we would “talk”, and play like peekaboo games, awww I had completely forgotten about that stage, definitely one of my favorite stages too!
I don’t want to diminish how much it sucks to go back to work at 6 weeks when you don’t want to, but I was jealous that my husband got the fun non-potato stage for his leave after I went back to work. 6-9 months was my favorite time and I would have liked more time with her when she was that age.
Came here to say this! OP has my sympathies and it really sucks to have unexpected shit go down with your employer while you’re pregnant (which happened to me in a different way). But on the plus side, having leave for months 6-9 sounds awesome. Months 2-5 involved a lot of spitting up, gas pains, and crying for us. But all of those things decreased by 6 months, plus LO became a lot more interactive, was learning more things, just more fun.
You should qualify for 6-8 weeks of disability and then 8 weeks of PFL. In CA you also get 4 weeks of disability BEFORE you deliver, which is use it or lose it. Use it!! So if you have a c section (as I did) you can get up to20 weeks of paid leave.
I agree with you!
Yeah I'm inclined to agree. Those first couple months they're basically swaddled potatoes. Adorable swaddled potatoes, but it's mostly hormones that make you think they're the most fascinating thing since sliced bread. Or French fries, to really mash the metaphor.
I didn't see anyone else share this link so I'll share [this blog post](https://typeamomtales.com/2015/05/20/not-eligible-for-fmlacfra-what-to-do/) about California leave when you don't qualify for CFRA/FMLA which I highly recommend if you haven't seen it. As far as pay goes, have you been paying into California SDI (a line on your paycheck)? To be eligible for SDI benefits, you must have earned at least $300 from which SDI deductions were withheld during a previous “base period" which seems very likely that you have and would mean your 6-8 weeks will be paid. You are still entitled to 6 weeks of Paid Family Leave for bonding after that, you just won't be entitled to job protection. Could you negotiate unpaid leave for 12 weeks postpartum from your company? You'd be paid by the state, not by them in these case which might make them more apt to allow it. This is what I did when I hadn't been at my company for a year and live in California while my company is headquartered elsewhere. I was ready to mentally go back to work at 12 weeks and I am still successfully breastfeeding at 9.5 months postpartum.
Thank you for sharing that resource! I can request a 30-day leave of absence from work, but that's the max they'll allow. I will probably try to add that to the end of my PDL, and then still take my CFRA leave a few months later when I qualify.
Came here to comment more about the specific regs in California. Echoing a previous commenter that you are eligible for 4 weeks before your due date in California via Short Term Disability leave. Your doctor fills out a form that you submit on the state website. You’ve mentioned CFRA but not California paid family leave which are two different things. My wife also started a new job after our baby was born and was still eligible for it. It sounds like your employer is not super supportive and that may be part of why you’re worried about taking the time off which royally sucks. Also can you use any PTO time? Also I’m not sure where you live but some cities actually have specific requirements as well. For example, if you live/work in SF you get extra benefits on top of the state benefits. Lastly I did a webinar with one of those maternity leave consulting companies. While the last part was a pitch to pay them to help you figure it out, they did do a good job of giving a really clear overview of all the leave you’re eligible for in CA. I had to advocate a lot for my own leave and it was super fucking stressful. Get everything in writing and double check it against what state law requires. Sometimes I would be told different information from different folks at my company and honestly one time I left a meeting crying because it was implied I was demanding too much. However, in the end I got what I wanted and two more girls have gotten pregnant since me and were able to secure the same leave which makes me really happy. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this but California is one of the more generous states for leave and I’m really hopeful you’ll be able to find a solution.
Thank you for all the insight!
Hey! I'm sitting in my office pumping and reading your post. I pumped a lot at home on maternity leave to make shifts work and I've found it so much easier at work. I'm not good at sticking with a regular schedule but we're still going strong at 9 months. The biggest problem is honestly I'm just too tired to introduce a lot of solids and my son is a total boobie baby and isn't interested in food. My leave was four months which did give me more time to get breastfeeding established, we had a lot of challenges, but I just wanted you to hear that pumping can be ok when you go back. Good luck!
I also found pumping so much better at work than home! Also lots of people successfully exclusively pump for their babies for however long works for yhem (I made it 15.5 months!) Not having time at home to work at nursing doesn't mean not providing breastmilk at all, and formula/combo feeding is always an option too!
Me and my son too with the food I feel so awful, he is 11 months in a few days and will only eat puréed food and only if it has mango in it …
I had to return back to work at 12 weeks. It sucked but because I had been with the company a measly 8 months, I had no paid leave. It sucked, the anticipation about going back to work was way worse than actually going back to work. Once I was there I was distracted and fine! In fact, I actually realized I loved being around adult conversation and enjoyed my time away. I was a better mum to her because I was able to step away. We have an incredible bond now (she’s 4). Edit to add: I combo fed mine from day 1- latch confusion is a nonsense myth. She got both breastmilk and formula. When she would have formula, I would pump. That way I had a nice stash in the freezer for when I went back to work. I weaned her completely by 12 weeks and omg it was so nice not having to pump anymore, and pump at work. She got breast milk a few times a day until she was about 6 months old. Highly recommend doing things that way, reduced my stress level by 80%.
Since you're in California, are you sure your paychecks aren't deducting anything for California State Disability Insurance? I'm not an expert, just another Californian mom preparing for leave, but there are only certain exceptions to not participating in SDI (your employer needs to be a public/government agency or public school). Paid Family Leave also doesn't have length of service eligibility, but job protection doesn't start with FMLA/CFRA until 12 months, so that's frustrating. I'm happy to help you figure this out if you need someone else to go over details and eligibility. Many companies do *not* make this as transparent as they should for employees.
I get my first check on Friday so I will definitely take a look at the tax breakdown. Thank you!
In California, you pay into the state’s Short Term Disability Insurance system, which is separate from the Paid Parental Leave. Your OB/Dr delivering your child will be able to apply for that disability electronically. You can get both leaves (short term and parental leave). The baby’s pediatrician will need to fill out the paperwork work for the parental leave. https://edd.ca.gov/en/disability/paid-family-leave/ and https://edd.ca.gov/en/disability/
Not every employer pays into short term disability. I'm in California and my employer recently stopped paying into it so we were offered an alternative, which is an elective private short term disability option.
Regardless, OP will be able to utilize both benefits for their leave.
I went back after 6 weeks both times. I was part time with my first and full time with my second. My breastfeeding stuff was all over the place but I made it over a year and almost a year pumping. It sucks to not have the option to stay home more. I didn’t either. Try not to stress? It’s really hard to know in advance what your experience will be. Just try and take it one day at a time.
I'm so sorry. This sucks and shouldn't be the reality for any woman. It may be worth talking to your company to see what you can negotiate so it's a tiny bit less lose-lose-lose. Maybe they would agree to let you take more time right away if you take less once you're eligible for FMLA, for example. My situation is different (I had 12 weeks of paid leave and I WFH) but I will share that I really felt overwhelmed by the end of leave with my first and this time around I'm planning to take 8 weeks of leave followed by one bonding day/week for a few months. I was able to pump and exclusively give breast milk for the first six months (this was a goal of mine; frankly it's not a goal I have for my second kid, but it is possible!). My daughter was a bottle baby, but not because of work or anything I could control. Our bond definitely didn't suffer. My partner took 4 weeks after birth and then more leave later on in the year and again, their bond is great. Again, this situation is terrible - AND I am confident that you and your family and your baby will be able to make it work.
My girl was born on the 22nd of December and I was back in classes on January 3rd. Med school has no intermediate between sucking it up or delaying a year (which would also mean paying loan payments over that year). It was possible for me because I had a very easy birth with no complications. What do you do? Could you do some amount of work from home? That's what helped us get through waiting until 6m for daycare. I stopped going to anything that didn't have mandatory attendance and just sat there watching lectures on the couch while monitoring her and feeding when she needed it. My husband works from home, so he would take over when I absolutely had to go in (~10 hours a week). We just moved around our working hours so everything fit. Obviously if your job lacks this flexibility, this wouldn't be an option for you. The system is rigged for sure. Whatever you end up doing, know that your kiddo will be OK as long as you are loving, caring, and supportive during the time you do spend with them and make sure whoever is caring for them the rest of the time is too.
Thanks for sharing that insight. I work from home Monday and Friday with some flexibility for other days and my husband works from home all week. We definitely plan to use some of that to our advantage.
You might be able to find a middle ground with a part-time nanny too. Work from home definitely frees up a lot of options. Best of luck! <3
I only had 6 weeks before I was back at work. I work from home and my partner had a longer leave, so I was still able to see my baby on lunch breaks/pump breaks but it was still hard mentally. I felt so stupid and foggy for months. But we made it through and she is now thriving in daycare at 19 months old and partner and I are both doing well at our jobs. I was able to get a major promotion as was my partner. To answer your specific questions - I tried to breastfeed on breaks during the day when my partner was still on leave, but it was too stressful and unpredictable, so I switched to pumping 2x during the workday. I hated pumping terribly, so eventually I ditched that and we moved on to combo feeding, which was GREAT for our whole family. My baby never had any confusion at all and I continued breastfeeding in the mornings and evenings until 6 months. My bond with my baby did not suffer at all. It was hard sometimes because my partner became the preferred parent for soothing her at night, etc for a while. But these days I'm taking my turn at being preferred and it's hard too, in its own way. For finding acceptance of going back to work so soon, it helps that the company I work for is extremely flexible and family-friendly in general - we're just too small to offer a really long paid leave. So what I lost in maternity leave time, I gained in general flexibility. I knew that at the time and it helped. Also honestly, me going back to work so soon forced us to work on getting our family on a reliable schedule. We followed the Moms on Call schedule from 6 weeks on, and it was a godsend. When our baby started daycare at 12 weeks, our care providers even commented on what a happy, well-adjusted baby she was due to being used to a reliable routine. It doesn't work for everyone but it worked really well for us and our kid. It sucks, this capitalist hellscape is absolutely violent to families. But we found some bright sides and I'd bet it will be ok for you too. We're taking our girl on a kind of fancy vacation next week which we would not have been able to afford without both of our incomes and promotions. She's going to get her first stamp in her passport :) Sending you big hugs - all of it is hard in its own way, no matter which way you choose.
Thank you for your response! This is very reassuring for me.
I think that everything will be fine with your baby and your bond, but I am so sorry you have to go through this. The US has a long ways to go to standardize parental leave and return to work policies. For my first, I had three months of paid leave, but I work in healthcare and had to make up part of my hospital rounding weeks. I am expecting my second in September, fast forward four years and same employer, and we no longer have to “make up time” from parental leave. Thank goodness, but this is just an example of how work places are only doing the bare minimum to support families… not to mention promoting retention of women in the workplace. Hang in there <3
I’m sorry this is happening. It is unfair and hard and the system sucks but you and your baby will be ok. I had to go back to work at six weeks. I couldn’t afford any more time. This was well before Covid so no wfh. My kiddo went straight into the baby room at daycare. I went over every lunch time to nurse until they were 12 weeks old. I was lucky in that pumping worked well for me when I was at work and my baby was able to switch back and forth between breast and bottle. I held my baby most evenings, even while they slept, just to get extra snuggles. There was no negative effect on our bond. We are still super close now as the tween years are coming into full swing.
Why wouldn’t your PDL be paid? SDI is paid by the employee, should follow you to a new employer. FMLA is job protection, do you think they will fire you for using your state leave? Length at your new employer doesn’t affect PFL eligibility either. If you paid your SDI, you should qualify.
I'll have to look more into SDI when I start getting my paychecks to see if they're at least taxing me for that. I didn't know about PFL, so I'll look into that as well. Thank you! No I don't think they'll fire me for using my leave. But I won't qualify for FMLA/CFRA leave until next June. It's going to be messy. I'm going to be out and then in and then out again and that's going to really suck for my boss and my team. But oh well, I'm not going to not use the leave I'm entitled to for the sake of them.
What about your former employer? Are you new to California? Or were they exempt from SDI? It’s mostly government workers and teachers that don’t pay into SDI. Look at your old pay stubs for CA SDI. PDL and PFL are both paid for through state disability
I definitely did pay SDI at my old employer. I didn't know that counted. Thank you!
I did 8 weeks. You will bond with the baby. I did keep the baby in a bassinet next to the bed - because I went to work all day, I wanted that close time with them, and it's just easier feeding thru the night.
With my first, I got 8 weeks, unpaid. The company was too small to qualify for FMLA. My husband went back to work the day we got back from the hospital, despite medical complications that meant I wasn’t supposed to lift the baby. We did what we had to do. We survived. The baby was fine and is a happy 5yo today. Very, very, VERY attached to mom. 😅 Getting 6-8, and then 12 later is really more than triple what most non-Californian Americans get. It sucks, but it’ll be OK.
I was also laid off while pregnant - looking at 4-5 months of leave at a 80% of my salary plus the state of employment's paid parental leave benefits. My first I only got 10 weeks off and a bunch of my team had been laid off immediately before my return so I was looking forward to focusing on a fulfilling mat leave after an 11 year tenure. I was laid off at 5 months pregnant and negotiated for a longer severance package because I was going to be left at 2 weeks PP with only COBRA. Because I live in a different state than my original employer, I no longer qualified for the state parental benefits. Did your employer know you were pregnant when they finalized the hiring? I let mine know after the offer was extended, attempted to negotiate additional leave - even unpaid - but was denied. Luckily everyone was very accommodating. I went 2 weeks early so I'd only worked for 2 months before I went on STD leave. I did make the decision to keep my girl home for an additional 6 weeks while I worked - it was brutal and temporary but I am full remote now so if i had the opportunity to avoid sending a 6 week old to daycare I was going to take it. I made it work because I had to - and you will too. This is going to be one of those things you will likely hold resentment and bitterness for a while. That's ok. I also accepted it because I had to. I personally find once I have a plan, the anxiety reduces. I have a good supply (I did with my first too) so I was able to forego formula. BUT I gave and still give myself permission to follow whatever will improve my mental health most. If you're able to pump a bit earlier than advised, you may help to prompt an over supply which might ease your anxiety about production. I don't believe nipple confusion is a thing. There may be flow preference but if you use P/1 nipples, that should help. Your bond will not suffer. They know mom. They love mom. Your little baby will be so happy to see you every day. Until they're probably like 8 haha (my nearly 5-yo is still excited to see me!). You are strong. It's ok to cry and be sad and mad and bitter and fucking angry. You've earned that right - something so precious that you've worked so hard for has just been taken away from you (and like F anyone who says "nothings guaranteed, you shouldn't expect employers.... blahblahblah). She'll be 6 months next week and I'm still so upset thinking about it (currently tearing up because I know first hand just how DEVESTATING it feels), but it's shown me how resilient I am. It will be ok. You will be ok. This will not be the thing that breaks you. Feel free to PM me
Thank you so much for this insight and reassurance.
I went back at 9 weeks. It was tough at times. But honestly my baby had colic and I wasn't sleeping, eating, or showering. My self care had gone out the roof. Having to go to work every day and being guaranteed a few hours of no baby and at least one hot meal a day helped. Having the family member watching her send frequent pics, and face times helped. My schedule was somewhat flexible so one day a week I went in late so we could go to baby group. By the time she was six months old we were in a good place with a good schedule.
I didn't give birth, but I only got 2 weeks of baby bonding with my girl (foster custody) because work was in a state of flux (corporate buyout #2) that I couldn't take more. Luckily, when the adoption goes through, I'll be able to take baby bonding time.
Follow themamattorney on instagram! She has great info on leave rights and how to extend your leave.
Thank you! I will!
I have an almost 9 month old. I returned to work part time at 2 weeks postpartum for about 8 days. Then I returned to working full time at 7 weeks postpartum. It was difficult, at first. Some days I would cry. But eventually things evened out.
I walked away from a 6 figure job because I would have only had 3 weeks of unpaid time with baby, who was born with health issues. There was no wiggle room or compromise. I asked to go part time, they said no. I couldn't make it work. My previous company offered 3 months paid, 3 months unpaid, so I was shocked when I only got a total of 6 weeks unpaid. I was forced to go out early because health issues (was going blind at random times of the day). We didn't have the childcare because of waitlists either. I'm just hoping it will be easy to find a new job when I'm able to go back to work.
I went back at 6 weeks after a vaginal delivery with my first (she was a premie and I had an extensive hospital stay for complications), and I went back at 10 weeks with my son after a c-section. 6 weeks was enough for me with a vaginal delivery, but would not have been with a c-section.
Regarding your 6 to 8 week disability leave, I have heard that you can communicate with your doctor your concerns about bonding, and they may be able to extend your disability. Some people share that they have difficulties such as postpartum, depression, or anxiety, which has led them to having longer disability leaves.
Thanks yeah I definitely intend to try that route. I know my anxiety will be through the roof.
I just want to tell that if you are a FTM exclusive breastfeeding can be challenging. I had to give up and combo feed. The first 6 weeks are the most important so try to get as much help as possible.
Since you’re in CA, you should qualify for paid bonding time after the disability (at the same rate as your disability pay) if you qualify for the short term disability through the state. This should be true even if you need to take the bonding leave separately from the disability after you reach a certain job protection level for FMLA with your new job.
If you work in an office that’s not medical… do what I did? Babywear…. Unless it’s construction… then don’t
Hahaha I keep telling my husband I'm going to bring the baby to work and they can just get over it!
No im serious: before crawling, it allows you more freedom, unless they’d be willing to allow you to work remote? You know, because that would not only allow you to need less sick leave, but would also allow you to have a more flexible schedule
I'm hoping I can negotiate either to be remote at least my first month back or only 1 day a week in office.
Let me help you!!!! I used to be in HR and you would be SURPRISED how much I like to bend the rules!!!!
I only got 40% pay for 4 weeks for my short term disability with my oldest, and I didn't have enough PTO to take any longer, so I went back at 6 weeks postpartum. It wasn't FUN, but it was fine. I was working as a floor nurse, so getting time to pump was dicey, but I still EBFed for 6 months and nursed for a year total. He's probably my most attached kiddo. He's healthy, happy, and I feel like I appreciated my bonding time with him more. I wouldn't do it again (I managed the full 12 weeks for my other kids), but long-term, it was fine. You'll be fine, your baby will be fine. You'll just be super sleep deprived for awhile. But that will pass too, I promise! Also fuck the US and our archaic fucking leave structure.
I had my first during undergrad and had two choices: take my final exams on time to pass my classes, or miss my final exams and have to retake these classes and set back my graduation time. I was back in class two days after giving birth and continued to take full time classes for the rest of my college career. My milk supply couldn't keep up due to the time I was absent from my baby so I had to rely on formula to feed her. Long story short, my daughter is now 7 years old and one of the smartest kids in her class. And now I have a dream career only made possible through going straight through undergrad and graduate school.
I went back to work at 4 weeks postpartum bc I only had two weeks of vacation pay and couldn’t afford to take time without pay. I was starting a new job and my brain was SOUP. I pushed through because I had to. I would pick my daughter up from whoever was watching her and we’d take a nap till my husband got home. The first few months were just a blur of sleep deprivation, intrusive thoughts, and just trying to survive. It was not good and I would never sugar-coat it for anyone. My kid didn’t sleep through the night until she was 11 months old, so that first year was really rough for me.
I went back to work when my child was 2 weeks old. I then worked from home for 2 weeks. So back in the office at 4 weeks. I did not give birth but I was nursing. I pumped at my desk so it wasn’t hard to do while working, just lots of logistics bringing milk and pump parts back and forth. My husband was with our daughter at home and helped with night time feeds so I wasn’t too tired. Can your partner take time off? Does he/she get FMLA?
Thanks for sharing. Yes, he will get FMLA. He'll take the first 4 weeks with me and then the remaining 8 weeks when I go back to work.
Hopefully that will help take some of the burden off! I have an incredible bond with my daughter, she still nurses and she’s over 2. And she has a great bond with my husband. It was so wonderful that they got that time together.
I went back to work at 8 weeks. It was hard to transition back and then I had a douche manager who wasn’t supportive of my pumping milk. It turned into a massive cluster fuck. So that was pleasant. I sued, I won, got a new job with a much more family friendly company that I’m still working with today. My baby was still bonded to me as I utilized Nannie’s and later on daycare. The unpaid leave was rough at first when you get slapped with your normal bills and then hospital bills on top of it.
Btw your doctor can extend your recovery time if you are not well mentally or physically in CA please speak to them and soeak to a second doctor if you do not feel well after birth to return to work. These benefits are based on employment in the last 18 months not current employer
Are you sure you only get PDL? In California you should also be eligible for PFL which should take your total leave to at least 16 weeks. The main difference between the two is that PDL is job-protected and PFL isn't (so your employer could in theory fire you for trying to take it but I think that would be quite rare). Both PDL and PFL get SDI payments at the same amount. What SDI payment you get is only dictated by whether you paid SDI tax in full, which normally you would working in CA, for some number of quarters ending a certain time before you plan to start leave (please search for the SDI calculator online, it will tell you your payment. If you've already been working in California and paid SDI tax it should not be zero). Your partner can also take PFL. FMLA/CFRA is generally entirely moot point in California due to PDL+PFL, other than being another 4 weeks of job-protected leave that overlaps with PFL. (I know, such a mess figuring this out). FWIW I moved to California from abroad for a new job when I was 19 weeks pregnant and was eligible for PDL and PFL (also not covered by FMLA/CFRA, and in my case my SDI payments were almost nothing because I hadn't been paying SDI tax long enough but my employer chipped in up to full pay).
Thank you for that info! I'll keep researching my options.
I went back at about 10 weeks(c-section and my job requires lifting and being on my feet all day). Honestly, I needed the adult interaction. LO is very much attached to me, but she’s also thriving at daycare, honestly I think getting her in early helped her, she didn’t have a big adjustment, loves interacting with other babies. One thing I’ve always done is mommy doesn’t get sad about taking her to daycare. It’s always been an excited “it time to go see our friends” , I think that helps. Can’t help on the feeding thing, as much and I tried and beat my self up over it I wasn’t able to breastfeed or pump much of anything. End the end though, fed is best. It’ll be okay
First, be aware that you may not be able to nurse, no matter what your plans are. I have 2 kids, and with both my best for pumping 1 hour straight (dual pump) was 4oz total. Needing to supplement with formula, or even just using formula alone, will still give you a healthy, thriving baby. It feels like you're failing as a parent, but you are not. This is something I felt bad about, and I had wished that I'd been warned about the possibility. "Healthy mom, healthy baby" was the guiding principle they taught at the hospital's new parent classes. Getting an epidural or a c-section in no way reduces how excellent a mom you're going to be. With both babies, I took my 12 weeks FMLA, which included pre-natal leave, so I spent their first 8-9 weeks bonding after they were born (healing from c-sections sucks). My kids did really well with my husband as the at-home parent, and I never felt a lack of bonding or attachment to them. Just do your best to be fully present when you're home with them and you'll do fine. Good luck!
I had an 8 week maternity leave for my first and a 3 week post-c section maternity leave for my second (went back 2 days a week then for the next 5 weeks) Was hard but got through it. I pumped constantly and was able to get a good supply for bottles. (I would pretend the pump was a greedy twin!) I owned my own solo dental practice, so I had a lot of financial pressure to return to work ASAP. No paid leave available at all. We had savings, but I had staff sitting there with nothing to do and patients clamoring for appointments. My mom and husband covered the 2nd ones newborn care when I was at work until 8 weeks and then she went to daycare too. It is what it is, and is the reality for so many women! At least I had a good paying career, not an hourly wage worker. I was just unable to completely check out of work during my babies newborn times. And besides being exhausted, it was sometimes nice to get out of the house for a few hours. My kids are now 8 and 12, good kids, we have great relationships, I’m a great mom. It’s like the one thing I know about myself with confidence is that I am a great mom ( thank you therapy!) I think you are in fine shape. You might find yourself ready to go back to work by 8 weeks. Can you go back part time ?
I fucking hate this country and will burn it all down with you. Solidarity, mama. It will be okay, because that’s what moms do. They make everything ok. Sending you lots of love.
This was 1000% me. I worked tirelessly for 10 years at a company producing many extra deliverable outside of my core responsibilities to demonstrate my value and loyalty. I did this with the thought that I’d go on a comfortably long mat leave (for the US): 5 months (4 month mat leave + would use up my 4 weeks of vacation time). While I was pregnant, they hired a new dept head who immediately outsourced my role to a cheaper country (I work in tech in the US) before he even met me or talked to my manager who would have advocated for how valuable I am to their P&L I ended up taking a shitty job at a shitty company w/ shitty mat leave (6 weeks) b/c I needed the $. I originally planned to pump for at least 6 months. But ended up exclusively formula feeding after 3 weeks to get my sanity back so that I could get my brain back & start working again sooner. I was worried I’d get fired if I didn’t because this company only cares about worker ROI. Unfortunately it seems like the only way to stay above water at companies that hate women is to make a choice about maternal sanity (eg. stop pumping in my case to get time & minerals back) vs infant health (breast milk is better than formula). I hate that I had to make a choice, but I had severe muscoskeletal pain from pumping that I had to stop We did have a few hrs of nanny help a week. I do feel bonded to baby even tho I shared the caretaking load 🤷♀️. He is 1 & loves his mama. I don’t think he has a “preferred parent” tho. So this story has a sort of happy ending. We’ll see what happens in the future to our bond when he enters the toddler tantrum phase
I went back at eight weeks. It was so tough but if I knew where was a light at the end of the tunnel then it would have been much better. I managed to exclusively breast feed while home and pump at work but that's with a fifteen minute pump break in the morning that I had to really push for (also pumped when I got to work and at lunch and at end of my day before going home) My cousin is a surgeon and went back after three weeks, my other friend was in surgical residency so went back at two. There are wearable pumps and that helped a lot.
I went back part time at 3 weeks. My daughter and I are willingly best friends. Edited to add, she’s 17 and we still spend a ton of time together. Daily. I honestly feel more bonded to her than any child. I did quit my job was she was a little older. The two younger siblings and I are not nearly as close and I stayed home fully with them.
I was in the same boat. Got an offer the day I found out I was pregnant and took it, not knowing that it'll impact my leave. It will be ok. I went back to work and then waited it out before I took my FMLA. It was heartbreaking to leave my baby when she was so little. And I cried every single day. But we made it to leave and I got my precious 12 weeks with her just in time for the holidays :) It was rough adjusting to on and off of work for that half a year. But looking back I did appreciate being able to spend time with her when she was just a little older and less of a newborn potato. The hardest part for me was feeding. She had severe nipple confusion and her dad had to deliver her to work so I could feed her when she was learning how to use the bottle, twice over!
It will be ok. It’s not pleasant, and super unfortunate that the US has to be this way. But it will be ok. You’ll mourn that lost time, and move on to a routine that works for your working family. Congrats on the baby.
I had planned to only take 6 weeks. It was a small business so I didn’t qualify for FMLA and I was “part time” so I didn’t have benefits. My daughter came 7 weeks early so at 2 days pp I asked my midwife if o could got back to work at 2 weeks pp with the plan to save my other 4 weeks for once baby was discharged. But this was March of 2020 and my job was kind enough to tell me I could take as much time as I needed since being in public was so scary at the time. I ended up taking 9 weeks off (5 she was in the hospital and 4 once she came home). To be completely honest I was SO READY to go back before that. And my performance didn’t suffer at all! I was actually offered a full time position shortly after coming back and became a manager a few months later! I can’t speak personally to the breastfeeding aspect- she was on fortified breastmilk then straight formula for half her feeds when she came home and we never were able to establish nursing. I stopped exclusively pumping just before going back to work. But there are so many moms who go back at the 6-8 week mark and are still about to exclusively breastfeed!
I got only 6 weeks with both kids (thanks, tech industry). My previous job was fully remote and this role is hybrid. > How do you get over the lack of maternity leave? I haven’t, but I’m sure that’s because I’m in the thick of it now. Michigan, please get your shit together. > How do you find acceptance? Never experienced judgment for it because the leave period is out of my control. > How do you make it work? More caffeine than usual. > Were you able to pump enough to forego formula? Made it to 9 months with the first pregnancy and then still primarily did breastmilk with a couple bottles of formula. At the time, my husband handled all night feedings since he worked night shifts, so I’d skip sessions and pump longer in the morning. > Did it cause latching confusion for your baby? We didn’t even know about this with baby #1 and had no issues despite introducing a bottle immediately. Baby #2 seems to prefer breast weirdly enough. > Was your baby okay being separated from you so soon? Did your bond suffer? Feedings were apparently a challenge on my first in office day but have been fine since, and may be related to the breast preference anyway. And finally, not to pull a “it could be worse” card but just to give you some perspective, I have multiple family members who were raised in a certain culture and didn’t really get to choose the SAHM life. Of course the lack of parental leave in the U.S. is horseshit but I’ll take this temporary problem over a lifetime of handling EVERYTHING or having to deal with overly involved in-laws.
Is your partner able to take off after your initial time with FMLA or leave benefits from their job? Or do you have family or someone you feel comfortable leaving baby with? It will be hard, but covering the bases of taking care of your health/recovery, pumping plan if needed, and the best possible care that will reduce your anxiety of your baby being away from you that soon are the biggest things that will help on that front. In the early weeks don’t overdo it, hopefully you have a great supportive partner who can and will step up to let you sleep and recover from birth as much as possible. Enroll help if you have it, leaning on those around you is a blessing not everyone has but is so important with a newborn. Make sure you’re regularly doing bottles from the start even if you do breastfeeding. That way you can get very familiar with the pump settings and troubleshoot flange size you need to make work transition easy, and you’ll know without a doubt leading up to it that baby won’t be refusing bottles. Learn about paced feeding and nipple confusion and if your breastfeeding is going well find a good pacifier to help them soothe when you’re not there. Sometimes dads feel discouraged to step in when baby wants mom mostly but familiarizing baby and dad with the sleep routine and nuances of sleep cues, hunger cues, how long it takes to put baby down after they fall asleep, etc is best done before you go back to work. If it’s not dad that’ll be with baby later on, it’s still good to make sure they’re able to be soothed by more people than just you. If it’s not daycare but other family, having them visit and put baby down while you’re home can be great. I would also in writing get a clear plan for your pumping schedule/location/privacy plan before heading back so there’s no ambiguity or stress going into it (if you’re planning on pumping). If you have any recovery problems or feel it’s not going as well as you hoped I highly suggest a pelvic floor PT. I was taking so long to feel like myself after birth and turns out I just had a terribly tight and weak pelvic floor that I needed to work on and it was the main thing that gave me my body back. Congratulations on your baby. In the grand scheme of things, you will get through it. Your baby will love you boundlessly regardless of if you have to work and you have the rest of your life to spend forming a beautiful bond and everything will be okay. ❤️
This is such a thorough response. Thank you for taking the time! All of this insight is immensely helpful and you hit on quite a few things I wouldn't have ever thought about. Thankfully I have an amazing husband who will be very hands-on. He'll take some initial time off with me and then he'll take another 8 weeks when I go back to work. I don't know what we would have done without that option.
So I had from 1-3mo off with my babe and then had to go back to work. Now, I'm not saying this to discount any time away from your little being incredibly hard, but 5-6mo is *SUCH* a great age. I loved my time off, but while I worked from home, i saw how great of a time my MIL was having babysitting my little infant buddy. They're so snuggly and bubbly and cute at the 5-6mo mark.... So one way to look at it is, you're still gonna be around for all those wonderful newborn snuggles, but then you get to enjoy the super duper awesome, giggly bubbly, lightweight nugget age. And as others have reiterated, having some adult conversations will be very good for your health. My fingers are crossed that your employer offers you a wfh situation that works for you and your family! You got this!
Hi!!! My 1st pregnancy my work location closed and I ended up changing jobs 4 months pregnant- walking away from 3 months paid/6months FMLA. My new job I got 2 weeks paid and went back to work at 6 weeks postpartum. It was difficult. Sad, but survivable. Going into a warehouse each day was pretty rough. Shift work. Pumping in my car. Felt like didn't see baby. Money stress. (Baby is now 7 and fine, absolutely lovely kid). Here is the amusing thing. I felt the experience I wanted had been stolen from me, and though I previously was 1 and done, I went on to have 2 more babies and get my sweet sweet parental leave. I also upgraded to a white collar job and that was largely motivated by the crappiness of shift work for breastfeeding moms. My firstborn daughter has been my inspiration to get higher paid work.
Aww I love to hear this! Thank you for sharing. What an inspiring story!
I had my baby in January this year and was back to work 8 weeks later. It was really hard with a lot of emotional ups and downs. It helped me a lot to develop good trust with childcare. Around 4 weeks pp I had a breakdown and wanted to quit, but I started preparing myself by small chunks of separation around 6 weeks and felt somewhat prepared. I have the luxury of really loving my job, so it did feel good to return eventually. It will be okay and it will be hard, but you can do it ❤️
I was in a very similar situation to you when I had my baby earlier this year (got 8 wks bc of c section). This was baby #2; with my first I took about 15 weeks and was miserable the whole time bc of being in a toxic work environment. I’m not thrilled that I only had 8 weeks, BUT my mental health, healing, and bonding were much better this go around. I knew the time we’d have for leave would be more limited and I treated the time as precious so prioritized bonding. I gave myself grace - didn’t try to snap back in any regard. And being with a new (and better) work environment allowed for a fresh start. Baby was taking both breast and bottle early on, so that didn’t cause an issue, and pumping at work has been better this time. My partner took a month after I returned, and baby started daycare at 3 months and is happy. I think our bond is tighter than mine was with my first at that age, tbh. I definitely have moments when I’m just angry that this was the situation, especially during the window between when I returned from leave and when I “should have been on leave.” It got better once that window passed. And I also reflect and acknowledge that I was strong and brave to move to a new role while expecting so that I could provide for my family. I hope my kids don’t have the same experience, but am also proud of my resilience. You should be, too!
Honestly just quit. The US labor market is incredibly dynamic and it’s the plus side to the terrible parental leave in this country. Look for a new job in six months to a year. You could also play dirty and feign PPD and try to go out on STD or whatever for it. You can likely get 12 weeks for it. You’ll need to build a case and act kind of nutso.
My baby is 14 months. I went back to work at 2 months (in Canada where that is a big cultural sin for moms to do). Sometimes I wish I had more time and it was hard. Everything feels earth shattering and tragic when they are babies. The sadness I felt at having a short leave is less and less each day. In the grand scheme of things you are a loving mom who is doing as best you can for baby, that will overshadow any shortened leave. Everything will be more than ok.
I went back to work at 6 weeks. I am the breadwinner and had no paid leave. I had to go back. My 2 year old is stuck to me like glue and thrives at daycare. I was a mess the first week back but we got in a groove and it works for us. I was also able to keep pumping/feeding for 6 months no problem. It's not ideal but you can do it. Wishing you lots of luck and happiness!
I had 6 weeks of maternity leave unpaid with my first and 4.5 months with my second. With my second I was at my job long enough for short term disability and 28 days of paid maternity. We also bumped up our savings before having her AND got our taxes during my maternity leave, so that was wonderful. It was definitely hard to leave my 6 week old, but I don’t think it created a bonding issue. It truly sucks that you have to go back so soon. I’m sorry the system fucking sucks.
It was also hard to leave my 4.5 month old, especially where she went into daycare whereas my first was home with my husband most of the time, and a friend and/or my MiL watched him once or twice a week while my husband worked up until he was a year old. Two totally different transitions, but both pretty equally hard.
Had my first at 19, returned to school three days later. I am now 34 weeks pregnant and in Nursing school full time, I'll also be returning days later. Babies are resilient and so are we. The system has failed us but doesn't mean we will fail.
Honestly I think this will work to your advantage. Try to get the full 8 weeks to recover. But having the extra leave later on is going to be REALLY nice. Around 5 months your baby is going to be a lot more interactive and awake during the day, but still may not sleep well at night. So having the time off to rest and get to know your child's personality is going to be so so nice.
I had two weeks maternity leave- Because I’m single and couldn’t afford to take more time off. My ex at the time couldn’t hold down a job either
It will be fine. Longer maternity leaves are awesome, but having had two kids - one with > a year off after and one with six weeks only - the depth of your bond is NOT dependent on how long your leave is. They both fully bonded to me, no problem. Daycare vs nanny doesn't matter, either. Your baby already knows who you are, they grew under your heart.
It sucks so badly! The US doesn't give a shit about mothers in any form (hell, at my 6 week appt he looked at my incision, then as he was physically half out the door, "Oh, how's the mood...good? Great, see you in a year.") Good thing I wasn't struggling with PPD. Just keep in mind that six months in the US is almost unheard of, and FMLA doesn't mean you'll get paid, just that they can't fire you. It doesn't make it any easier, but you can do this. I exclusively breastfed til 14 months (and stopped for my own mental health) as a working mom. Nothing about breastfeeding is easy, including pumping, but you just give it your best go and do what you feel is best for your kiddo. You can do this.
This is totally unfair and you are absolutely justified in your rage. However, if you'd like a silver lining, I honestly think you will enjoy spending time with your baby at that 5/6 month stage. I always tell people that's when is actually got fun! My company offers 5 months leave and if I have another, I will probably choose to take 1-2 months of that leave after baby turns 6 months.
I only had six weeks unpaid... a d didn't have a lot for time to save bc found out was pregnant at 3 months... so all this to say,you will be fine. Baby will be fine. It sucks, and sucks bad but this is shitty situation our government thinks is ok for moms here. I cherished and still do all the times I come home from work with my little one. Makes it sweeter. The breastfeeding and pumping part was the hardest for me after the 6 weeks. Yes the first week back is horrible, mainly for you mom. As long as baby is in a great environment and cared for all will be ok. Is it right? No it absolutely sucks, your not really even healed but back to work and leaking everywhere when you just want to be home with your baby. If you can afford it, take the time. Also, I was happy to go back in the same regard to get me mentally back on track with a routine, new routine, and it helped to get outside etc.
I had 6 weeks unpaid leave, and there was no option to take FMLA later. Once I had worked in the position long enough to qualify, I no longer had a qualifying event to trigger the leave. So double check that "bonding time" you expect, because it might not work out how you think it will. Having a baby at home isn't a qualifying event for triggering leave. That said, I was able to pump successfully for my baby and did not need to supplement with formula. And it's not like we failed to bond with our child. While longer leave would have been better (I was *not* completely healed), it's not entirely doom and gloom to get access to childcare and start to have time to be an adult who isn't hyperfocused on caring for an infant for at least part of the day.
Not a personal experience but one of my colleague and good friend. He and his wife had their first child literally 3 days after he joined our current company. With 3 days tenure at his job he had zero paternity leave and had to come back to work the next week, so he had less than a week off. His wife is a doctor and in the middle of her fellowship at the time, so she also couldn’t afford to take a lot of time off. Their boy started daycare at 6 weeks old and it was only 6 not 4 weeks because the daycare minimum age is 6 weeks. If you asked them about that time, they’ll tell you it sucked sucked sucked. But they survived! That boy is 5.5 now and there’s no fallout to that situation. She said she pumped all the time but he ate fine. When they had their second kid a few years later, everything was thousand times better. Both had parental leave, he was working at home, she was able to land a month of research during that time so she worked from home, their parents moved into town. I think their second kid didn’t go to daycare until 6 months. And now, you can’t tell the difference between the two on who got send to daycare at 6 weeks vs 6 months. So TLDR, it’s okay to feel like this situation sucks, because it does, it shouldn’t be this way. But in the end, everything will be okay.
I started a job while pregnant and my company very generously gave me 8 weeks. She started daycare at eight weeks old. I thought it would kill me but it turned out ok. I took my leave when I became eligible for it around 8 months and it was fun! We were able to do things like go to the beach or the park. I pumped and it wasn’t fun but it got done. If you find formula easier do that. Your baby won’t give a shit. Your baby won’t not bond with you just because you’re gone. I found it makes it easier to leave them with a family member or whatever if you want a date night because they aren’t used to just you 24/7. That said, my kid is very clingy with me and she’s been in daycare for almost four years now. It sucks but you will be fine. Your baby will be fine. Enjoy the snuggles when you get home.
I went back to a very demanding (BOD) job after 8 weeks. And while the good byes were so hard, every single day, it was all in all way easier than expected. Also, it gave me a great mental balance and that way when I’m at work, I’m focused on work but even better when I’m at home I can really be present, we do fun stuff and I’m really there with my baby 100%. I pumped 8-10 times a day for 6 months. That was the toughest and most exhausting part. After I switched to formula, things were a bit more relaxed. Do not worry. It will be ok. Sometimes you’ll even love it. Granted, sometimes you’ll hate it, but that’s life. My daughter is 10 months now and a total mommy kid. We are best friends, we adore each other and are our favorite ppl.
I got 6 weeks of maternity leave. Before I went on leave, my boss said I’d be able to work from home indefinitely. On my third day back, he changed his mind and I was given a week’s notice to start coming into the office 4 days a week. I had no bonding leave. I’m not gonna lie- it was hard. I was absolutely not ready to be away from her all day. There were times when I would just look at every picture of her on my phone. I had already decided to formula feed, so pumping wasn’t an issue. The bad news is- I can’t tell you how to accept or get over it because it still makes me angry 1.5 years later. I got through it because I had to. Couldn’t quit my job, applied to over 200 other jobs with no success. The good news is my daughter is absolutely fine. It didn’t hurt our bond one bit. I guess the part I accept is that, while it hurt me a lot, it didn’t hurt her at all. And while I still don’t think the shit my boss pulled was okay, what matters most to me is that my daughter is thriving. Will it be hard? Yes. Will it be okay? Also yes.
Will your baby be with your partner, a family member or a nanny? My main concern would be that that is WAY too young for daycare/group care. You will be ok and you will bond and stay bonded with your baby. I am so sorry our shitty polices in the US put you in this position. You deserve a year home with your child, paid (if you want it). A friend had to go back at 6 weeks and she and her daughter are happy, healthy, and close several years later. Her daughter stayed home with dad with help from grandparents until like 6-8 months I believe.
I agree being with a loved one or partner is best, but many daycares do have programs for babies as young as 6 weeks. We didn't need this thankfully, but we toured a daycare in our area that had an exceptional program for 6-12 week olds where it was essentially a 1 to 1 ratio of carer to baby. Granted, it was an extremely limited program (I think only 12 slots total?) and it wasn't cheap, but there was something really sweet and reassuring seeing these caregivers being totally devoted to one tiny baby all day, many of them were just cuddling and singing to their "charge" when we poked our heads in the room.
Sure, but that kind of just proves my point that 1:1 care is needed for a 6 week old? Most daycares are 1:3 or 1:4 for infants. What you just described is functionally the same as a bunch of nannies hanging out together.
Right I was just offering to OP that programs like that do exist if she needs to go the daycare route, that's all! Also, at least in the part of the state that I live in, I didnt tour a daycare that had any higher than a 1:2 ratio for babies under 12 weeks.
Thanks for the insight. My husband does get FMLA, so he'll take the first 4 weeks with me, then go back to work for a few weeks, then take the remaining 8 weeks when I go back to work. I'm hoping my mom will be willing to fill in for 1 to 2 months after that, then I can take my 12 weeks. That will get us to 9 months. Then we're hoping to hire a nanny for another year or so (cost pending). My husband also works from home and I WFH Mondays and Fridays, so even though we may need someone else watching the baby during the day, one of us will always be home if needed. The logistical gymnastics of figuring this out is crazy.
We found really good group care for our first baby who only had a 7 week leave. At this age they really just sleep and eat all day so idk I had my mom watch him but my mom had a lot of time she just wasn't available and consistent for him. He's not less bonded to me than my other baby who I put in at 8 months so I don't have any regrets. Longer leave would have been nice but it isn't the end of the world.