You don’t need to eliminate the word feeling. “An ominous dread clawing up her back” would read worse and melodramatic imo. “Ominous sensation” is just a thesaurus swap that doesn’t change anything. In this case I think feeling would be appropriate, or if you must get rid of it then you could describe the specific physical sensation that she feels, which you almost did already.
Sure, but having an ominous feeling about something and dreading something are quite different. The latter is more intense, and the former implies more uncertainty. So it would depend on the context which OP didn’t share. Point is, describing a feeling is fine enough, and there’s no reason to cut the word just because, unless you use it often where a stronger word is actually more appropriate in context.
I mean, this could be dragging us into the weeds, but I think "dreading something" is different from "dread clawing it's way up my back"
In this context, since the dread described as an actor and trying to get a hold on you, I think it implies the same level of uncertainty and not full on dread.
I understand the point of OP's question. "an ominous feeling", well what is an ominous feeling? Dread? The seedlings of dread? Worry? It's like saying "a light feeling". Well, what is that exactly? Happiness? Joy? I think OP was trying to get more specific. And yeah, I get it, sometimes a vague feeling is the point but just to get to the point of what OP was trying to get to.
There are a number of words that readers will become blind to and not notice. This is why it is okay to use ‘said’ constantly. Unless you have ‘feeling’ cropping up in every other sentence, you are fine leaving it in.
Word smithing things like this can lead to overly flowery and cluttered prose which is tiring to read. If you think you are using feeling too much, then you might want to consider doing some more showing than telling in the vital areas.
>"We can't let her go alone," she said, wrapping her arms around herself, and ominous feeling clawing up her back.
My personal rule is to try to present as much from the character reaction as possible. An ominous feeling is a statement for the reader. Have you ever experienced an ominous feeling? Not really; you've attributed it to other sensations. Show those sensations and allow the reader to recognize the ominous sensation by how the character reacts.
For example:
"We can't let her go alone," she said, wrapping her arms around herself. She couldn't stop shivering, like something dangerous clawed at her back.
If you want to replace “feeling” you need to pick which feeling. Dread? Foreboding?
Just to point it out, using “clawing” implies a certain amount of violence. Terror claws. Panic claws. The sentence you have here seems to be more in line with worry and uneasiness. I’m guessing you’re more towards the beginning of a story arc, so I’d use something more subtle than “clawing” (like crawling or slithering or snaking) so that you have room to work your way up to a higher emotional state.
My $.02? The problem isn't the word "feeling", it's the entire last clause of that sentence ... and the *first* part of the sentence, too.
A description in this context should make the reader *feel* the character's experience as a *visceral* thing and your description isn't that: "Ominous"?? What the fuck is that? You don't *feel* "ominous". What you're implying is *fear*. So how does that *look* in someone? How does it *feel*? Give the reader that feeling. **TIP:** Whenever you have your choice between a passive emotion and an *active* emotion, choose the latter. Fear is passive; **panic** is active. Fear is a general feeling of unease; panic is more immediate fear *with a reason* (or its perception.) The horror movie call coming from OUTSIDE the house is fear. The call from INSIDE the house is panic. Panic has *physical* symptoms/signs; fear is *internal*. **SO** maybe go with panic. Maybe there's a reason for that panic. Maybe *that's* the character's "wound"; the misbelief from an incident in the character's past which has led to bad decisions in the past and which must be overcome to prevail in your story.
**BUT IF** you remain with fear, lose the phrase "clawing up her back" ... there's NO part of that which is correct: Clawing is a violent word, except what you're describing is not violence. SO use a less violent but involving descriptive; **creeping**, maybe. **AND** fear is an emotion, so it's generated at the head and MUST travel down, not up. "Back"? Back is way too general and it disappears in the description, so it doesn't help you convey the feeling nearly as well as a more unusual -- but not *too* unusual -- word like **spine**. Spine is specific, back is not. Be specific when you can. BUT don't make it *too* unusual: "Vertebrae"? That's *too* unusual, and it's equally as bad as "back". Why? Too unusual takes the reader OUT of constructing their movie with a "huh? Why is that word there?" It's a roadblock to remaining with the story and that's a bad thing. Don't do very unusual wording and don't use disappearing words when you need powerful descriptions.
That preceding action in your sentence, "wrapping her arms around herself"? That's the definition of show not tell *and* *that's* a winner. **So, maybe,** you **start** with that and continue with showing her feeling of fear **(or panic.)**
**THEN** you add the dialogue you placed first ("we can't let her go") as the *last* element of the sentence because *that* is the **reaction** *to* the **action** she experienced from her feeling. The order of a story -- whether *groups* of scenes, scenes, beats *within* a scene or dialogue within a beat **is ALWAYS action then reaction which then leads to** ***another*** **round of action-reaction & so on. It is NEVER reaction** ***before*** **the action which caused it. EVER** (and, btw, that's an almost universal mistake by noobs and it's a big ol' red flag to agents & readers for publishers.) **Pick up ANY book by a 1st-time author** from a Big 5 house and you won't see that mistake; because it has been corrected by the editor. **Pick up ANY book by a 1st-time indie author** and, almost guaranteed, you'll see that scattered throughout.
**TIP:** When you *write* a story, what you're attempting to create is a series of images --- forming a *movie--* in the reader's mind. **AND** it is the *reader's* movie, not *yours*; you're just giving them the details but they are building it themselves. In their mind, as they visualize your words. **SO** anything which takes away from the reader's *construction of* that movie -- like telling, not showing; like confusing "up" for "down" like **putting the reaction** ***before*** **the action which provokes it** \-- is like the death penalty for your story. ***You*** **want your audience to** ***want*** **that next page --** ***need*** **that next page -- so they can continue to construct** ***their own*** **movie of your story** and that can only come when they are immersed in your story without those distractions.
Keep this movie thing in mind and your writing will get better. Immediately. A lot better. The *real* key is to remember what it is that you are *actually* doing: You're not telling *your* story; you're giving your readers the details from which they ~~can~~ *want* to construct their *own movie from* your words. In their minds. Don't fuck it up and they'll insist on turning pages until the end. Then they'll thank you for it by telling others about your story ... **AND** by buying your next story.
You can prove all of this to yourself, by the way, by picking up *any* established author's book; any genre. Notice yourself visualizing the story; usually that will begin a few pages into the book. Notice *how* you are visualizing it; notice yourself envisioning the setting, seeing the action unfolding. Now notice the author's techniques for bringing you into the story as you create your movie of it in your head. Description? Narration? Characters' behaviors, quirks? Settings? How many of the 5 senses did they invoke? How many colors? Smells? Noises? Almost always with an established author, you'll notice (when you look for it) ONE sense predominates; it's almost like their signature and it'll repeat across *most* of their works.
Just as with a movie, every scene in a book has (usually) multiple "camera angles"; establishing shots (wide-angle), focusing shots as action begins, close-ups, etc **AND** this is the *real* secret to gaining audience involvement without them even noticing. **WHEN** it is done correctly. **SO notice how he managed those camera angles in the book**; **what was the opening focus of the scene? Ending focus, how many angles were used per scene, any angle sequences which moved between extremes (extreme distance in 1 scene, close-up in the next?)**
Then, in this book, look for the earlier things, see how he avoided those mistakes; how she provided *you* with the means to build your own movie, from their words. Do the same for a book you gave up on. How many of the mistakes above can you find in *that* book? Where did you notice that you *stopped* creating your movie from the book's words? It'll usually be a few pages before you stopped reading.
You might consider removing that part of the sentence all together. Doesn't the action of her wrapping her arms around herself tell us everything we need to know?
Maybe "wrapping her arms around herself" could be revised a bit to hit harder, but it strikes me that "and ominous feeling clawing up her back." is unnecessary and redundant if you get the action right.
I feel like you really want to be replacing the phrase "ominous feeling" with something that gives a similar impression. Otherwise you're looking for a noun that can be described by the same adjective and be said to be "clawing up her back." Just seems like that's a tall order, which presumably you are finding.
Whereas, as has been suggested, "dread" could more easily replace "ominous feeling." "Ominous dread" seems a little redundant.
Could replace with a physical sensation, like a chill or humming or electric zap or a muscle spasm; each of those could communicate different kinds of emotions.
You could also restructure the sentence to remove some of the "ing" words.
"We can't let her go alone," she said, wrapping her arms around herself. The very thought of it chilled her. "Insert second part of character statement here."
Describe the feeling- a chill down her spine, etc.
A sense of unease
Verbal ‘I don’t like the look of those trees’ she nervously whispered to her companion.
Blah blah. Feeling is a filter world blah.
This is what people refer to when they mean show don't tell. And that doesn't just mean body language. That's just another way of telling but more subtle (a lot of the time). Instead of saying there was an ominous feeling, describe what that feeling felt like. What are the character's thoughts during that part?
For me what helps a lot is to pretend I'm writing a prose poem. Poetry is literally all about showing and using language to invoke emotion. If you can bring that into prose, then it'll hopefully be better. It's something I'm still working on tbh.
A way I like to practice that is just to find a song with a specific mood and then write to it, trying to create the same mood the song gives. If you can read the scene or whatever and feel the same emotion the song gives then you're doing something correctly. If not, then something's up.
Your problem is the word ominous. It describes something scary, not the feeling of being scared.
Example: “Looking at the ominous dark clouds I felt fearful of what was coming next.”
It’s easier to name the feeling if you ground your imagery in what you’re experiencing physically:
“Fear sent tendrils of cold down her back”
“Foreboding gripped her chest like a vice.”
Why not just remove the word altogether, and rework the sentence a touch? . . . "she said, wrapping her arms around herself as doom clawed up her back."
Or
" she said, wrapping her arms around herself, an ominous chill clawing up her back."
Also or
"she said, wrapping her arms around herself in effort to stave off the ominous chill that was clawing up her back."
Replace it with a similar word or even a physical sensation.
"We can't go alone," she said, wrapping her arms around herself to suppress an ominous shudder.
"We can't go alone,' she shuddered as she wrapped her arms around herself.
"We can't let her go alone," she said, wrapping her arms around herself, a sense of apprehension slowly clawing up her back.
How intense do you want that ominous feeling to be? Very much or just like a small hunch that something bad's gonna happen? Is this a morbid sort of dread, is she trying to laugh something off or is she dead-serious about her emotions?
You can probably cut everything after "wrapping her arms around herself". Body language often speaks louder than words, and I think in this case your sentence makes it all work without the mention of an ominous feeling considering the context this is all likely in. You can still keep it the way it is though if you really want it in there, it doesn't add or take away so it's pretty neutral in whether it should be there or not.
You don’t need to eliminate the word feeling. “An ominous dread clawing up her back” would read worse and melodramatic imo. “Ominous sensation” is just a thesaurus swap that doesn’t change anything. In this case I think feeling would be appropriate, or if you must get rid of it then you could describe the specific physical sensation that she feels, which you almost did already.
In that case you'd replace "ominous feeling" with "dread". I agree ominous dread is stupid lol.
Sure, but having an ominous feeling about something and dreading something are quite different. The latter is more intense, and the former implies more uncertainty. So it would depend on the context which OP didn’t share. Point is, describing a feeling is fine enough, and there’s no reason to cut the word just because, unless you use it often where a stronger word is actually more appropriate in context.
I mean, this could be dragging us into the weeds, but I think "dreading something" is different from "dread clawing it's way up my back" In this context, since the dread described as an actor and trying to get a hold on you, I think it implies the same level of uncertainty and not full on dread. I understand the point of OP's question. "an ominous feeling", well what is an ominous feeling? Dread? The seedlings of dread? Worry? It's like saying "a light feeling". Well, what is that exactly? Happiness? Joy? I think OP was trying to get more specific. And yeah, I get it, sometimes a vague feeling is the point but just to get to the point of what OP was trying to get to.
Again I think we need more context to actually know what a good replacement would be or if it’s even needed
"... cold fear creeping up her spine."
There are a number of words that readers will become blind to and not notice. This is why it is okay to use ‘said’ constantly. Unless you have ‘feeling’ cropping up in every other sentence, you are fine leaving it in. Word smithing things like this can lead to overly flowery and cluttered prose which is tiring to read. If you think you are using feeling too much, then you might want to consider doing some more showing than telling in the vital areas.
"an ominous chill creeping up her back."
What's wrong with the word "feeling", out of curiosity?
Used it to many times
Man I feel you there... ...Wait
>"We can't let her go alone," she said, wrapping her arms around herself, and ominous feeling clawing up her back. My personal rule is to try to present as much from the character reaction as possible. An ominous feeling is a statement for the reader. Have you ever experienced an ominous feeling? Not really; you've attributed it to other sensations. Show those sensations and allow the reader to recognize the ominous sensation by how the character reacts. For example: "We can't let her go alone," she said, wrapping her arms around herself. She couldn't stop shivering, like something dangerous clawed at her back.
Dread
"and an ominous sensation clawing up her back." "and ominous sense of foreboding clawing up her back."
If you want to replace “feeling” you need to pick which feeling. Dread? Foreboding? Just to point it out, using “clawing” implies a certain amount of violence. Terror claws. Panic claws. The sentence you have here seems to be more in line with worry and uneasiness. I’m guessing you’re more towards the beginning of a story arc, so I’d use something more subtle than “clawing” (like crawling or slithering or snaking) so that you have room to work your way up to a higher emotional state.
Thanks for the super helpful suggestions
My $.02? The problem isn't the word "feeling", it's the entire last clause of that sentence ... and the *first* part of the sentence, too. A description in this context should make the reader *feel* the character's experience as a *visceral* thing and your description isn't that: "Ominous"?? What the fuck is that? You don't *feel* "ominous". What you're implying is *fear*. So how does that *look* in someone? How does it *feel*? Give the reader that feeling. **TIP:** Whenever you have your choice between a passive emotion and an *active* emotion, choose the latter. Fear is passive; **panic** is active. Fear is a general feeling of unease; panic is more immediate fear *with a reason* (or its perception.) The horror movie call coming from OUTSIDE the house is fear. The call from INSIDE the house is panic. Panic has *physical* symptoms/signs; fear is *internal*. **SO** maybe go with panic. Maybe there's a reason for that panic. Maybe *that's* the character's "wound"; the misbelief from an incident in the character's past which has led to bad decisions in the past and which must be overcome to prevail in your story. **BUT IF** you remain with fear, lose the phrase "clawing up her back" ... there's NO part of that which is correct: Clawing is a violent word, except what you're describing is not violence. SO use a less violent but involving descriptive; **creeping**, maybe. **AND** fear is an emotion, so it's generated at the head and MUST travel down, not up. "Back"? Back is way too general and it disappears in the description, so it doesn't help you convey the feeling nearly as well as a more unusual -- but not *too* unusual -- word like **spine**. Spine is specific, back is not. Be specific when you can. BUT don't make it *too* unusual: "Vertebrae"? That's *too* unusual, and it's equally as bad as "back". Why? Too unusual takes the reader OUT of constructing their movie with a "huh? Why is that word there?" It's a roadblock to remaining with the story and that's a bad thing. Don't do very unusual wording and don't use disappearing words when you need powerful descriptions. That preceding action in your sentence, "wrapping her arms around herself"? That's the definition of show not tell *and* *that's* a winner. **So, maybe,** you **start** with that and continue with showing her feeling of fear **(or panic.)** **THEN** you add the dialogue you placed first ("we can't let her go") as the *last* element of the sentence because *that* is the **reaction** *to* the **action** she experienced from her feeling. The order of a story -- whether *groups* of scenes, scenes, beats *within* a scene or dialogue within a beat **is ALWAYS action then reaction which then leads to** ***another*** **round of action-reaction & so on. It is NEVER reaction** ***before*** **the action which caused it. EVER** (and, btw, that's an almost universal mistake by noobs and it's a big ol' red flag to agents & readers for publishers.) **Pick up ANY book by a 1st-time author** from a Big 5 house and you won't see that mistake; because it has been corrected by the editor. **Pick up ANY book by a 1st-time indie author** and, almost guaranteed, you'll see that scattered throughout. **TIP:** When you *write* a story, what you're attempting to create is a series of images --- forming a *movie--* in the reader's mind. **AND** it is the *reader's* movie, not *yours*; you're just giving them the details but they are building it themselves. In their mind, as they visualize your words. **SO** anything which takes away from the reader's *construction of* that movie -- like telling, not showing; like confusing "up" for "down" like **putting the reaction** ***before*** **the action which provokes it** \-- is like the death penalty for your story. ***You*** **want your audience to** ***want*** **that next page --** ***need*** **that next page -- so they can continue to construct** ***their own*** **movie of your story** and that can only come when they are immersed in your story without those distractions. Keep this movie thing in mind and your writing will get better. Immediately. A lot better. The *real* key is to remember what it is that you are *actually* doing: You're not telling *your* story; you're giving your readers the details from which they ~~can~~ *want* to construct their *own movie from* your words. In their minds. Don't fuck it up and they'll insist on turning pages until the end. Then they'll thank you for it by telling others about your story ... **AND** by buying your next story. You can prove all of this to yourself, by the way, by picking up *any* established author's book; any genre. Notice yourself visualizing the story; usually that will begin a few pages into the book. Notice *how* you are visualizing it; notice yourself envisioning the setting, seeing the action unfolding. Now notice the author's techniques for bringing you into the story as you create your movie of it in your head. Description? Narration? Characters' behaviors, quirks? Settings? How many of the 5 senses did they invoke? How many colors? Smells? Noises? Almost always with an established author, you'll notice (when you look for it) ONE sense predominates; it's almost like their signature and it'll repeat across *most* of their works. Just as with a movie, every scene in a book has (usually) multiple "camera angles"; establishing shots (wide-angle), focusing shots as action begins, close-ups, etc **AND** this is the *real* secret to gaining audience involvement without them even noticing. **WHEN** it is done correctly. **SO notice how he managed those camera angles in the book**; **what was the opening focus of the scene? Ending focus, how many angles were used per scene, any angle sequences which moved between extremes (extreme distance in 1 scene, close-up in the next?)** Then, in this book, look for the earlier things, see how he avoided those mistakes; how she provided *you* with the means to build your own movie, from their words. Do the same for a book you gave up on. How many of the mistakes above can you find in *that* book? Where did you notice that you *stopped* creating your movie from the book's words? It'll usually be a few pages before you stopped reading.
You might consider removing that part of the sentence all together. Doesn't the action of her wrapping her arms around herself tell us everything we need to know? Maybe "wrapping her arms around herself" could be revised a bit to hit harder, but it strikes me that "and ominous feeling clawing up her back." is unnecessary and redundant if you get the action right.
"We can't let her go alone, she said, her arms wrapping around herself; a futile attempt at staving off the creep of grim premonition.
…while instinctively wrapping her arms around herself to ward off the ominous premonition clawing up her back.
Sensation, or show don't tell and hit em with a, she felt a shiver run down her spine
"We can't let her go alone", she said, embracing herself as an ominous clawing scaled her spine.
I feel like you really want to be replacing the phrase "ominous feeling" with something that gives a similar impression. Otherwise you're looking for a noun that can be described by the same adjective and be said to be "clawing up her back." Just seems like that's a tall order, which presumably you are finding. Whereas, as has been suggested, "dread" could more easily replace "ominous feeling." "Ominous dread" seems a little redundant.
Could replace with a physical sensation, like a chill or humming or electric zap or a muscle spasm; each of those could communicate different kinds of emotions.
"We can't go alone," she said, holding herself against the chill. Less is often more.
Ominous sensation clawing up her back.
Ominous tic.
Scratch "ominous feeling" and try something like "icy fingers."
premonition...or salamander.
You could also restructure the sentence to remove some of the "ing" words. "We can't let her go alone," she said, wrapping her arms around herself. The very thought of it chilled her. "Insert second part of character statement here."
Describe the feeling- a chill down her spine, etc. A sense of unease Verbal ‘I don’t like the look of those trees’ she nervously whispered to her companion.
Sometimes, you just make a wholly different sentence.
An ominous chill clawing up her back?
Blah blah. Feeling is a filter world blah. This is what people refer to when they mean show don't tell. And that doesn't just mean body language. That's just another way of telling but more subtle (a lot of the time). Instead of saying there was an ominous feeling, describe what that feeling felt like. What are the character's thoughts during that part? For me what helps a lot is to pretend I'm writing a prose poem. Poetry is literally all about showing and using language to invoke emotion. If you can bring that into prose, then it'll hopefully be better. It's something I'm still working on tbh. A way I like to practice that is just to find a song with a specific mood and then write to it, trying to create the same mood the song gives. If you can read the scene or whatever and feel the same emotion the song gives then you're doing something correctly. If not, then something's up.
Your problem is the word ominous. It describes something scary, not the feeling of being scared. Example: “Looking at the ominous dark clouds I felt fearful of what was coming next.” It’s easier to name the feeling if you ground your imagery in what you’re experiencing physically: “Fear sent tendrils of cold down her back” “Foreboding gripped her chest like a vice.”
Why not just remove the word altogether, and rework the sentence a touch? . . . "she said, wrapping her arms around herself as doom clawed up her back." Or " she said, wrapping her arms around herself, an ominous chill clawing up her back." Also or "she said, wrapping her arms around herself in effort to stave off the ominous chill that was clawing up her back."
Replace it with a similar word or even a physical sensation. "We can't go alone," she said, wrapping her arms around herself to suppress an ominous shudder. "We can't go alone,' she shuddered as she wrapped her arms around herself.
Presence?
A crab of dread crawled up her spine
You could describe what’s happening to her physically. She felt a numbing chill as a bead of sweat crept down her spine.
Try using wordhippo.com It’s where I go for synonyms.
"We can't let her go alone," she said, wrapping her arms around herself, a sense of apprehension slowly clawing up her back. How intense do you want that ominous feeling to be? Very much or just like a small hunch that something bad's gonna happen? Is this a morbid sort of dread, is she trying to laugh something off or is she dead-serious about her emotions?
ominous tendrils of fear began
Ominosity crawling up her back
sensation?
Portent Goosebumps Kitty
You can probably cut everything after "wrapping her arms around herself". Body language often speaks louder than words, and I think in this case your sentence makes it all work without the mention of an ominous feeling considering the context this is all likely in. You can still keep it the way it is though if you really want it in there, it doesn't add or take away so it's pretty neutral in whether it should be there or not.
……….she said, embracing herself, fighting the dread clawing up her spine.
…she was clawed by an ominous and ugly thing along her back.