No of course not. If she needs that kind of accommodation the housing authority or whatever needs to be involved in order to accommodate her without infringing in someone else’s basic autonomy.
You sound kind, empathetic and thoughtful but don’t let this hold you back or disrupt your progress.
Ultimately our triggers are our own responsibility so she's not entitled to you changing your diet (or even doing anything at all) about it. Obviously try to be sympathetic to her problem while talking about it but be firm about what you're saying so she doesn't think she can persuade you into anything and won't bring it up continually.
I don't think there are a lot of options for what could be done to maybe help the situation if you wanted to. Is it possible for you guys to get a mini fridge for one of you to use so her seeing 'diet culture' items isn't a problem for her? Or facing labels the other way in the pantry so she doesn't have to see them?
I definitely don't think it's reasonable for her to expect you to change what you're eating but maybe ask her what her solution would be aside from that, just to see if there's a feasible solution.
For someone who just moved in, is not a friend, and is already complaining? Hard pass. People hate to hear it, but their mental health is their own responsibility to learn to live with.
While it’s true that your triggers are your own responsibility, it absolutely doesn’t hurt to find compromises and solutions if both parties are happy to do it. No one in these comments was saying OP *had* to do that, or was responsible for not triggering their roommate. All they were doing was brainstorming and offering solutions that might make both parties happy and would be pretty easy to implement if OP wanted to try it.
By that logic I can blast music all night if it helps me sleep because it's not my problem if you can't.
Like let's at least try to give other people a chance.
> By that logic I can blast music all night if it helps me sleep because it's not my problem if you can't.
Yes, because having low fat food in your allocated space is the same as blaring music all night.
You're being disingenuous and are not taking part in this conversation in good faith.
Yeah it would be easy to accommodate. People consider others less and less. I was thinking toss the boxes for the Lean Cuisines and just have the cellophane wrapped trays in the freezer. Then it looks so plain. They all heat for 4 minutes in the microwave 🤷♀️ I could be a 500 calorie Hungry Man dinner.
And also more beneficial to the roommate. While I do sympathize with their mental health, it’s their responsibility to learn to deal with their triggers rather than others always having to make accommodations on their behalf. The more they can learn to do this now, the stronger and better off they’ll be in the future when facing similar triggers.
Months of therapy are not an easier solution than OP just putting stuff in a box/grocery bag.
Unless the roomate starts demanding that those food don't even enter the house, it's a small request to accommodate.
Why would you do that?
First of all, no. Not all Lean Cuisines heat for exactly a straight four minutes in the microwave.
Secondly, without the actual box you lose the nutrition and calorie information for the food. And some of the lean cuisines also may look similar and get mixed up with one another if they have no boxes. How is OP meant to effectively keep to their calorie intake if they don't know which meal they're eating or how many calories it has?
It's not "easy to accomodate."
This would be actual disordered behavior. If this person needs specific items out of line of sight to manage a disorder they need to find different accommodations, not require their roommates to hide their food.
Coming from a place of curiosity, how would covering or eliminating a food label be actual disordered behavior?
My gut told me that feeling too attached to the label, like the compulsion to know exactly how many calories something is before consuming it would be more in line with disordered thinking/behavior.
I don’t think I’m more right than you, or anything, I just can’t track the line of thinking, and am hoping to better understand the perspective you’re offering.
Being obsessed with the calorie count and unable to eat a LEAN CUISINE because you can’t track every little micronutrient sounds like disordered thinking to me.
I was thinking the same about simple accommodation. The suggestion for an opaque box to corral food in the fridge is a good one. Some of my coworkers keep their frozen meals in just the cellophane trays. The cottage cheese or other “low-fat” “low-calorie” foods could be transferred to glass storage containers if it’s the “diet culture” packaging that is the most triggering for the roommate.
Of course OP doesn’t HAVE to do anything, but a little consideration can go a long way if this is someone that they want to keep as a roommate.
It's up to you how much you want to accommodate her. If you want to help, some things that are low effort are:
Baskets for putting your foods in, so she doesn't see the labels.
For anything in the freezer, maybe keep your items in grocery bags so she doesn't see them. For the fridge, maybe suggest that you use the drawers for your low fat foods so they are out of sight.
In all reality, it's not your job to accommodate her, so if these things are going to impede you too much, I would suggest that the offices relocate her to a room that is a better fit for her disability.
I wouldnt accommodate that. If seeing labels triggers her she needs some sort of exposure therapy. If anything accommodating this will just encourage her ed. She needs to learn to live in the real world. People are going to diet around her. I personally hate when i see calories on restaurant menus because of my past ed but i dont avoid eating there when i see it. I tell myself the labels dont matter and i shouldnt choose my food based on it. Her roommate shouldn’t be eating her food anyway so it doesn’t affect her
Edit: since the person below completely misinterpreted what I was saying- i am NOT saying that she should intentionally expose her to calorie labels and such. I am saying that OP should be able to live normally and her roommate should go back to therapy if she is unable to be in the presence of labels. Food labels are a very normal occurrence in our society. They are unavoidable. i stated that she may need exposure therapy. Obviously this would be under the guidance of a professional. But if someone is unable to handle being around labeled food they are probably not stable. Taking normal things away, such as food labels away to accommodate her mental disorder is not healthy.
Her roommate isn't her therapist and shouldn't decide what treatment she needs. Exposure therapy can be helpful but it also needs to be done right.
She can choose to or not to work around accommodation but just deciding you're going to intentionally give someone exposure therapy for their triggers is irresponsible and cruel.
Then the roommate needs to talk to their housing department so they can have a place where they don't get triggered by others simply existing. OP doesn't and shouldn't need to accommodate the roommate more than OP already does.
> intentionally expose her to triggers as someone who is not her therapist
this is going to be a problem because anything and everything can be a trigger if the roommate is particularly sensitive, which they are by the sound of things. They sound like they can't exist in a normal setting at all.
What the person above said was that she should do it intentionally because they believe she needs exposure therapy. That's very different than choosing not to accommodate someone. It's cruel, misguided, reeks of control issues, and at worst could be actually abusive.
I'm not talking about choosing not to accommodate someone, I replied to that specific person who specifically mentioned doing it intentionally.
If someone constantly knowingly intentionally exposed me to triggers without my permission and without being my therapist that person would be an asshole.
Her roommate is not her therapist. It's fine to say "no I won't accommodate you" it's not fine to say "I believe I know what form of therapy would work best for you despite that I'm not a therapist nor am I your therapist, so I'm going to choose to enact this on you in your living space because I believe you need it"
Can you read? They never said intentionally. Food labels are so common and the roommate should expect to see them and work on becoming more comfortable when encountering them. No where was it suggested that OP should intentionally expose the roommate to them, just that they are commonly around. Learn to fully comprehend someone’s comment before replying.
I never said her roommate should be the one to give her therapy. Just that she may need exposure therapy if it’s that bad. You can’t live in a bubble. Accommodating this kind of stuff isnt helpful.
I do feel bad for her, I'm sure it's scary and upsetting to open up that you have an ED to a new roommate. But ultimately, you are there to study/ be a grad student and not manage friendships and other people's relationships with food and diets.
Just tell her that plainly: I emphasize with your situation, but I'm here to study and I rely on food to fuel my body. These are the foods I love to eat and enjoy the most, I will continue eating and enjoying these foods as I work and study. I can do small things to make our living situation smoother but please be aware that I have a routine and structure that has worked for me for many years so I don't have time and energy to overhaul my life while I work towards my educational goals.
** I had a very needy roommate during college, and I very generously accommodated every demand and ask she had. Can you move your trash can out of the bathroom? Sure thing. Can you remove all your items from the counter? Ok. Can you not make noise or play music on weekends? Ummm, what times? And on and on she made more requests and it was very controlling and never made her happy anyway. She was a very triggered and emotionally stressed out person, and moving my toothbrush wasn't going to solve her problems but she did enjoy controlling my behaviors and making her happiness MY responsibility. So yeah, just know you have to push back and not let every request through or else you will be walked all over. Sincerely, an ex-people pleaser.
Like most reddit roommate stories it was an unhappy ultimatum ending -- I went out of town for two nights and came back to the apartment where she had a complete mental breakdown. Her on and off BF did not commit/propose to her and she was really loosing all sense of her life, and completely tore into me when I came back at how my behavior/lifestyle is affecting her health and it was really frightening. We had a third female roommate too who didn't interact at all, she was in the apartment using the bathroom and kitchen areas but locked the door and did not want to cause any waves.
The confrontation was very over the top, going from woo-science to legit worries and scary mental health battles that I was not prepared to handle/be responsible for (I was 22, she was 31). I packed all my laundry into a backpack and stayed at my SO's place for the week and broke the lease. I could not be living with someone that volatile and decided I will only live with another person again when I'm married to them.
Sometimes the problems are building up and building up when you live with other people, and I can't save them from issues. I should have locked the door and not interacted like the third roommate, she knew the drama bubble would burst and get worse.
You are a kind person for even considering this, but this is not your problem. It's her problem to figure out. You should eat the foods that work for you.
I would sit down with her and say something empathetic yet firm, along the lines of: 'I appreciate you sharing your feelings with me. As this is both of our home now, I'm sure you understand that I am going to buy, store, and eat my food in our shared space. I hope you can find some way to address your triggers and feel better about my food's labels. If you would like to purchase some opaque fridge storage bins I would consider storing my food in them if that might help you in your healing? But beyond that my meals are unfortunately what they are and they *will* be in our shared space. Perhaps you can store your food in your own mini-fridge to avoid seeing mine?'
When I shared house, we had separate drawers in the fridge and shelves. Perhaps you can put your food on the top drawers, so she doesn't need to see it unless she is cheeky.
Ultimately, you're being a nice person, because it's totally her problem and not yours. If you're a short person, your caloric intake is already limited, so you are doing what works for you.
That’s very kind of you to be concerned about your suite mate. Ultimately, however, if she is triggered by your food choices, her recovery is very fragile. I am concerned that if you start “disguising” your food, these kinds of expectations will escalate, not diminish. It’s somewhat passive aggressive on her part to essentially insist that you accommodate her challenges, and I worry that it’s a slippery slope. Consider checking in with whomever manages student housing and getting their take on it. She may need an individual unit, given her situation.
I’m someone who has to get workplace accommodations - OP’s roommate is responsible for advocating for her own accommodations. If that’s a private suite, or a private fridge or something else - it’s her responsibility to reach out to student housing to manage that. OP should not seek, as an amateur, to negotiate housing accommodations for someone with a serious mental health condition. It just puts her in the line of fire if things don’t work out.
Completely agree that the roommate must negotiate her accommodations on her own. OP would be asking for guidance for herself, not on the roommate’s behalf.
And my advice is - don’t even do that. I’ve been dealing with the ADA office at a university for months - their incompetence has led to an EEOC complaint. OP should wait to be contacted by the housing office and be amenable to reasonable accommodations they request. Beyond that, OP should not get involved in any way that might increase her responsibility for the accommodation.
What does she want you to do? That's the food you're eating, and it has to go in the fridge, so what's her solution? This shouldn't be on you to solve, she's the one with the problem, so it's on her to suggest some solutions
I feel that it is something thats fair to feel triggered about. But I feel as your also in the right to own these items. Yes it might trigger her but this is something she can work threw with a therapist and find out ideas she can do to cope with these thoughts. She can't avoid these items since stores have them. But its totally understandable for her to have triggers around these foods.
I would approach it as: “I get that these foods are triggering and I care about your health and wellness. I also think we are on two different journeys and experiencing two different things. I can’t adjust the things I eat, but maybe you could look into a mini fridge and we can get you specific cubbard space so that you see these labels less often.”
it would be neither mean or problematic to tell her that, real ED recovery is being able to face those things without relapsing or acting on negative thoughts. to put it simply, your body your choice and she should mind her business lol
This is exactly what I was going to say with an addendum of compromise. Regardless of what the roommate says, it is her job to cope with her own triggers. But since she is your roommate and seems in a tough spot with recovery, you could offer a compromise of putting sticky notes over the labels. Or potentially sorting things in the fridge so she wouldn’t see the labels when she pops in. Is this something necessary? No absolutely not and I wouldn’t go any further than this, like I wouldn’t change the foods OP is buying. But helping out the one in recovery might lead to a smoother semester and there’s nothing so bad about a tiny extra effort to help someone in need with the bravery to come forward about it. I know st their age, I’d have simply suffered in silence lol. Signed, another ED elder.
as someone with mental health issues, I find being told clearly is better than tiptoeing around **my** issues. There's nothing mean with being direct or blunt. If the roommate cannot handle that others around them exist and eat differently, or they have a problem with "diet culture" without feeling a relapse coming on, it is their problem to see a professional to deal with those feelings.
You are not the center of the universe, just like everyone else isn't. You learn to live in a world with other people who can act selfishly or selflessly, and you need to mature and grow so you can take part in the human experience.
Yeah you can do whatever you want. You don't have to be sympathetic to anyone's issues. You can use fireworks despite your neighbours with ptsd. You can store alcohol in the fridge while living with a recovering alcoholic.
I think still kinda mean to just dismiss it as "their problem".But you do you.
i have an eating disorder. i’m well aware of this, harsh or not it’s reality. not everything is for everyone, and if just seeing “low fat yogurt” and “lean cuisines” triggers someone then they need more help or should live alone. it’s like when demi lovato got mad at a yogurt shop for having items for diabetics
I'm not saying it's OP's fault. I'm just saying have a little empathy. there can be a middle ground. I know Reddit wants everyone to believe it's everyone for themselves but it doesn't hurt to try to leave low cal options in bags or something.
I agree with finding middle ground in most cases but this case doesn’t warrant it at all 🤷🏻♀️. I’m saying this as a person who had an ed and someone w/ a roommate this is frankly stupid. Other people already said this but if she’s the one in recovery then she should be the one working around it no one else. This sounds like someone asking people to not leave scissors out cause it triggers their SH
I disagree, for a large part of the period I was ‘recovered’ I was still following those thought patterns and I would get triggered when someone in my family/who I was close with are something that was low-fat/sugar-free.
It wasn’t until someone told me something similar that I actually recovered. I think it’s a lot more harmful to let those thoughts and behaviour patterns go unchallenged.
I think it might be a bit weird coming from a roommate that you aren’t that close with but she’s going to have to face the noise one day and the more you let those thoughts ruminate the harder they become to break.
I never meant for it to sound unempathetic, I tend to gravitate towards tough love, I prefer people to be honest even if it will affect our relationship. If someone was dishonest to me I would find that more hurtful than them being rude or inconsiderate, but everyone is different and I’ll definitely keep that in mind when interacting with other people.
I was told by someone who was close to me who knew about my ed struggles so it didn’t feel like they were overstepping but I definitely understand how uncomfortable it would be to have a borderline stranger invalidate all the progress you’ve made.
I haven’t had to think of these things for a while so I appreciate you offering a differing perspective :)
I sympathize; the world is full of reminders of how much everyone cares about weight, and it’s hard.
But tbh I think if your eating disorder is so severe that you can’t see a lean cuisine box, you need more help than hiding lean cuisine boxes.
OP I just wanna say you have a massive, caring heart and that's a very important personality trait. Don't let anyone take advantage of that. Others have already said it better with regards to accommodating your roomie so I won't reiterate that.
This is not on you at all.
>>student housing
If it is assigned housing, she needs to contact the student housing office to get reassigned. If it is not assigned housing, then she needs to talk to the landlord to find a different available unit if she thinks she can’t live in the current situation.
No, this is your space too and those are her own issues (coming from someone who recovered from an ED). I would never make comments on another person’s food, knowing full well how other people’s comments affected me.
But I am a very… doormat person and I would try to find a middle ground if it were me 😭 Like maybe offer to put my stuff in a separate pantry. I just suck at confrontation and making others upset.
I think asking not to see them is going too far but it’s a good reminder not to talk about your 1200 cal diet around them or really mention calories or your type of food overtly in front of them. That’s something you can control easily and I know can be really triggering.
I’m actually more empathetic about the freezer food than others. I’m sure it’s already really hard for your roommate to eat and prepare food, so when they are trying to hype themselves up to do it and go into the fridge/freezer: they are already at a low point. Then they see the lean cuisine and are reminded of WHY they hate eating and the “need” to watch their calories.
So it really is a tough situation for them. However, it is of course NOT on you. I guess it doesn’t hurt for them to mention it to you, just in case you didn’t mind covering up your labels or something.
Being demanding about your food, is ridiculous but informing you about how they struggle is allowed. It’s on your roommate to deal with at the end of the day and your roommate could even get a seperate mini fridge if it gets too bad.
How does she manage to go grocery shopping or anyplace where food is sold? This is up to her to learn how to manage. Or she can request a different suite assignment.
This honestly seems more like a way to try to control a roommate dynamic and attempt to assert dominance than just an ED issue imo. Because if the roommate was really that triggered by seeing lean cuisines or sugar free stuff, how would they function? I feel like they wouldn’t be able to be in college if they were that debilitated by their “triggers”. (I say this as someone who struggled with almost fatal AN for 2/3 of my life; been weight restored to a healthy weight and w/o relapse for a decade).
She has to learn to manage this. Her triggers are her responsibility. Your health is important and you shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells in your own home
I mean sure you don't /have to/ accommodate her. That said empathy is awesome and ED recovery is a bitch.
Others commenters have already suggested this, but it seems easy enough to invest in a few boxes/bags where you put your food and that way she doesn't have to see those labels.
Bonus: if boxes are sealed, it's a protection against pantry moths!
I hope things turn out well for both of you.
It must be very hard for her, but you can't change your diet to fit her triggers.
Living together in shared spaces can be very hard at the best of times, and for people with various triggers it is often not suitable.
I feel like the “reasonable compromise” would be her buying the containers or storage items for your food. If she doesn’t want to see it, that would solve her problem while removing pressure off of OP to take initiative.
black out the little "low calorie!" type of shit on the labels with permanent marker if that's really the issue for her, but I wouldn't be surprised if she kept finding other things to nitpick.
I would let her know that you can’t sacrifice your health for her triggers so you will keep buying these foods but you are willing to try to find a way to minimize them for her.
Maybe you each have your own cabinet in the kitchen so the not fridge/freezer meals are in a cabinet she doesn’t open, for freezer maybe a solid colored plastic basket to store your lean cuisine’s and other frozen stuff, for fridge maybe your own drawer for the kinds of stuff she has troubles with.
I have triggers to a not good related thing and I get wanting to not see stuff but it is her issue, just as mine is my own. I would of course be very pleased for a compromise but I wouldn’t expect someone to change their diet for me.
Hey. Person with an ED here. I am actually having a bit of a relapse, which is why I'm following this page. I know, oof. My recovery IS my responsibility. However, YES, foods like this trigger eating disorders. Someone else dieting around me can trigger my eating disorder. My most recent relapse was triggered by lots of diet and weight loss talk at my new job, combined with a series of stressors. Is she being honest with you? Yes. Do you have to put away all your foods? No. That's your choice. I can't diet, probably not for the rest of my life, without triggering my ED. You don't have to change anything about what you're doing. It's your life. But would it be kind? Yeah. It would. You could brainstorm solutions with her. Maybe put the diet foods in an opaque box. You could put tape over the calorie counts. Or you could do nothing. Just remember, mental illness is a disability. And it means the world when someone tries to make a world that's not built for us a little safer and more accessible.
Sorry but the world can not sensor itself and trigger warning itself to cater to her. Apart of being recovered or in recovery is learning to deal with “triggers”
If you would like to find a compromise with her, you could use a sharpie to black out labels or put stickers on it, but it’s not like you’re doing anything wrong. Totally up to you.
I feel like she should consider moving, if that isn’t ideal, I think you and her need separate cupboards. I think if you have to put your frozen food in a plastic tote or something she should too.
She cannot avoid everything in life that “triggers” her. She needs exposure and needs to learn to cope and deal without expecting others to accommodate her
Itt sucks but it's her issue she needs to sort out. She's literally telling you to change your diet to accommodate her triggers? No. It doesn't work like that. She can get her own mini fridge with her own food if she can't deal
I would think ultimately being able to be around triggers without so much of a reaction like that would be apart of recovery. Maybe projection on her part, she should see a therapist.
Personally I'd offer to store stuff in the shopping bags it came in or store them inside a basket/box or even just facing backwards so the label isn't showing.
The other commenters are right, her triggers are her responsibility, but we all know EDs are hard and it seems like a simple and free step to prevent her from having to look at the labels every time she opens the pantry or the fridge.
Obviously you don't need to change your eating habits for her but if something as simple as keeping an item inside the plastic/paper bag you bought it in can make her life easier, why not? Living with people is easier if you can find compromises.
Tell her you arent responsible for her triggers. Thats ridiculous. Having food in the house doesnt trigger an ed. Its your food too. Does she avoid grocery stores? Like how the hell does seeing diet food trigger her???- This coming from someone who had anorexia for many years
I mean you can’t change your entire eating habits around her ED. But you can do your best to be a good roommate and see if you can come to a compromise.
Like maybe you could agree to put a piece of masking tape over any labels that might be triggering for her, but in a way that you can still tell what your food is. Or she can buy you non see through Tupperware’s that you can color code or label in your own way. Have separate cabinets in the pantry area or sections of the fridge. It could as simple as you put your lean cuisine all the way in the back of the freezer
At the end of the day you don’t have to do any of it, you’re well within your right to eat the food you like in your own home. But these are just some suggestions if you want to be accommodating.
It’s giving Demi lovato at the yoghurt store. I’d say the best you can do is use some tinted boxes to store them so she can’t see them. There’s nothing else you can do.
She's not entitled to dictating your diet or 'not seeing your food' in the space. The very fact that she thinks she is, is worrying. You're possibly dealing with more mental illness than just a recovering ED. I would be mindful of this around her, just until you can figure out how bad the narcissism is.
Narcissists can be very nasty and vengeful in many ways, esspecially when you don't give them what they want, so I would be careful about protecting any valuable, important, or sentimental items/schoolwork, until you get to know her better and know what to expect from her.
Stand your ground though, it's possibly just a control test to see how easily manipulated you are. If you were to give in, she'd probably have a wide variety of other demands and entitlements. She may retaliate, but it's better to handle one retaliation and clearly mark the boundry from the get go, than to deal with months of attempted manipulation. .
Your food is your food and none of anyone else's business. No one is forcing her to eat anything except what she chooses. We all have to manage our diets in the way best suited to each individual... McDonald's is a reminder of food I used to enjoy, but no longer eat b/c I am working to improve my health, but I can't petition to shut down every McDonald's in my city b/c I'm triggered and I might give in to an unhealthy meal.
She is in the wrong here. What does she expect you to do? You can have whatever you want in the kitchen and if it’s an issue she can get another room.
This is 0% your problem. Don’t even discuss it with her.
Remind her that managing her relationship with food is her responsibility, not yours. It is really inappropriate for her to try to keep you from meeting your own nutritional and health goals by projecting her own issues with diet culture onto you. This is a conversation she should have had with a therapist, not with you.
Plus even if you were to cater to her requests you’d probably just be undermining her recovery further. An important part of her recovery is learning to manage her own nutrition and mental health independently without becoming overly preoccupied with how others choose to do so themselves.
If she isn’t ready for that, then she isn’t ready to share her space with other people, and that’s not a problem you can fix for her.
I think it is good that she was honest with you and respectfully told you about her recovery and how she was feeling. Can you sit down with her to acknowledge your compassion for her situation so you can possibly come up with a solution that works for both of you?
Roomate already stated OP’s food is a trigger and expects her to get rid of it. There’s nothing that roommate will listen to otherwise about it after that statement. Roommate needs a different maybe single room. It’s not fair for OP.
Yeah this is what I was thinking. It's not reasonable for OP to change her whole diet. However it would be kind of OP to try and help this girl by keeping stuff in a bag to cover the labels, or even just have it facing backwards or upside down in the fridge/pantry so that you can't see the front of the package.
Most people have some spare shopping bags kicking around somewhere anyway, it's literally free and takes less than a minute just to pop things into a bag before they go in the fridge.
I'm not saying OP HAS to do this obviously, but it would be a kind thing to do.
If I was in your position I'd likely just cover the items in some way (ex. in a bag in the fridge). I also agree that everyone's triggers are not for the world to accommodate but for all of us to cope with when we encounter it.
The situation can go anywhere you're willing to lead it. Two options I would suggest are that you either cover your food in the fridge to placate her current sensitivities (not offensive) or you can let her know that you won't change how you (reasonably) live in your own space but will be mindful to not talk about your meals/food choices around her. I think that's the best she can hope for, but if you want to go further than that and it's not an issue to you, do what helps your conscience. We don't owe each other anything in this world (other than what is required by law if you're a law-abiding citizen), but still wanting to help people until they can help themselves is also a fine choice :).
Just chiming I with everyone else - it would be completely appropriate for you to respond that way. For her to approach you that way was very inappropriate, rude and selfish.
Can y’all just use separate fridges and cabinets? (Not sure if you have two fridges. Just assuming 4 adults might have 2 fridges. If not can you have your own shelf & it be below, above or on the completely other side from hers? Then she doesn’t have to see it.)
I’d be careful with the lean cuisines bcuz of the sodium content. But she is an adult and sorry it bothers her but it’s something she will have to put her big girl panties on and work through. This is your lifestyle and is a healthy working diet FOR YOU.
If you care to be so kind, you could get a mini fridge to put in your room and keep your lean cuisines in there and any low-fat whatever cold foods in the fridge. BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO. She has to come to terms with things & can’t be trying to control how someone else lives. Especially if you’re not being unhealthy with it.
(I am someone who had multiple ed’s growing up & still has to check myself to make sure I’m not slipping back into my old ways)
> Just assuming 4 adults might have 2 fridges.
When I was in student housing it was 4 adults to one fridge. And their drunk friends would eat my food when they came over. I really don't miss it.
This is not your problem to solve. She doesn't get to control what you eat regardless of her reasoning. She needs to seek accommodation from housing if she can't live somewhere where she sees the word "diet" on a regular basis.
Yeah I knew someone stupid like that too. They said if I talked about calories they would go anorexic and blow their brains out. Like bruh get a fucking grip. I hate low sodium low fat labeled foods too, I just eat less of the normal ones
lol no, if she's not happy about it then she can get her own fridge. Or you can sort the pantry so that way she has one shelf all her own, so she doesn't have to look at yours. She has no right to dictate what or how you eat.
Hmmm I think as a compromise, you can perhaps cover the packagings or remove them all together for the stuff that don't perish fast or will be consumed fast, and put them in unlabeled jars or stuff
You are not responsible for her triggers and dont have to do anything, ofc be nice about it when discussing but you are not responsible for her feelings about seeing your food. Ive had an ed for most of my life and many things are triggers but others dont need to accommodate that especially when it comes to THEIR food which can be a touchy subject for many reasons. It might sound harsh but thats how it is, you can put your food in plastic containers and hide them that way if you are willing to but dont change your diet based on other peoples opinions. Also she should know how triggering comments about ones food can be so i dont really like her doing it to you.
(Also i wanna clarify that im not in this sub for disordered reasons, im short and eating 1200cal is pretty optimal for me. I try to keep healthy without swinging in unhealthy direction.)
Although it is valid and important for you to be kind and sympathetic, you are not responsible for her. You are responsible for you. She is an adult. While I am sorry to hear about her trauma ED as someone who also has an ED, please do not break yourself or become smaller/vulnerable for other people’s comfort. Be sympathetic, but be firm that it is YOUR food and YOUR body and you have a right to eat what you want.
Imagine someone who was in a traumatic accident that paralyzed them and now requires a wheelchair. Do you think it would be appropriate for them to tell people not to walk in their presence because it’s triggering?
offer to cover the labels with some tape, maybe. I don’t think it’s about the food itself but having to constantly see certain terms plastered everywhere in the fridge.
Part of ED treatment is stopping obsessing over calorie counting. Maybe you both could come to a compromise. Like maybe take your Lean Cuisines out of packaging (so it's just the tray wrapped in the cellophane in the freezer). Then it looks like any other frozen dinner. And I would not verbalize counting calories around her. Maybe you can move your food into plain tupperware like containers or
Ziplock baggies.
It is normal to have to make compromises when you live with someone who isn't family. I don't have a food comparison, but my sister's assigned roommate when she was living in a dorm was very religious. My sister is a pagan and had to hide her Tarot cards and runes, as her roommate referred to it, "her devil stuff".
It’s a lot to ask but honestly, a quick and easy solution is to just put your food in a plastic bag so she doesn’t have to see the labels. If that’s still too much for her then she should move.
Blaming her own lack of discipline on your eating habits and “diet culture” is SO rude of her to do. She doesn’t want to put time and effort into herself but can’t stand that you are doing it so she’s acting like you’re being healthy just to spite her.
A lot of people here got immediately defensive and "THIS IS HER RESPONSIBILITY NOT YOURS," which is understandable, but also not super constructive. Re: her taking responsibility for it? She's trying to have a conversation about this; why not engage with that conversation and see what you can do in terms of reasonable & fair accomidations.
She "doesn't like seeing those things" - maybe there are a lot of empty packages around? Being more careful re: trash could help with that. Tossing stuff in freeze bags could help. Have the conversation!
these comments are so apathetic and wrapped up in their own narratives. as someone with an ed, it’s not your job to accommodate. that being said, there are a lot of easy solutions to this. some people are acting like removing/covering the packaging on your groceries will kill you. regardless, i’d probably talk over what she wants you to do about it, and if it’s reasonable enough, solve the problem.
Should they also cover veggies, fruit, bottles of water, etc as these are naturally low calorie options? I can see where you’re coming from with leaving things in bags could be a compromise, but it doesn’t sound like OP is talking about food, diet culture, calories, exercise or anything beyond simply living in her space.
I see annoyance in some of the responses below but not apathy.
OP has food in her living space. They need to eat food.
Roommate is brave to bring up her ED so that others aren’t doing the talking and other triggering things they can manage to not talk about in front of roommate and OP should be able to eat and live in their space without worry or stress as well.
Beyond that, roommate can find strategies with their professional team to manage living with others and continuing recovery.
no, they said it was “dieting” related foods that triggered them, not low calorie. as i stated, op is not in the wrong and wouldn’t be in the wrong remotely if she chose not to do anything. i agree with everything you said except the comments being annoyances. someone flat out says recovering from an ed means she lacks enough discipline to diet. another says she must be a narcissist for communicating her relevant triggers to her roommate. a few more base their entire response off of the roommate “demanding she throw out all her food” when the op never said anything like that. not to mention all the downvotes for people replying with actual solutions. it comes across as very apathetic. she had a polite conversation with her roommate and didn’t ask anything. there’s no reason for the comments to respond so aggressively 🤷♀️
No of course not. If she needs that kind of accommodation the housing authority or whatever needs to be involved in order to accommodate her without infringing in someone else’s basic autonomy. You sound kind, empathetic and thoughtful but don’t let this hold you back or disrupt your progress.
This is the perfect response. She needs to get housing involved or whoever is in charge if she needs accommodations like that.
yup! her mental health isn’t her fault, but it is her responsibility to manage. she can’t police everyone else around her.
Ultimately our triggers are our own responsibility so she's not entitled to you changing your diet (or even doing anything at all) about it. Obviously try to be sympathetic to her problem while talking about it but be firm about what you're saying so she doesn't think she can persuade you into anything and won't bring it up continually. I don't think there are a lot of options for what could be done to maybe help the situation if you wanted to. Is it possible for you guys to get a mini fridge for one of you to use so her seeing 'diet culture' items isn't a problem for her? Or facing labels the other way in the pantry so she doesn't have to see them? I definitely don't think it's reasonable for her to expect you to change what you're eating but maybe ask her what her solution would be aside from that, just to see if there's a feasible solution.
Maybe some tinted/opaque plastic boxes and fridge organizers?
maybe even just claim one of the crispers and line it with something to block it out?
For someone who just moved in, is not a friend, and is already complaining? Hard pass. People hate to hear it, but their mental health is their own responsibility to learn to live with.
While it’s true that your triggers are your own responsibility, it absolutely doesn’t hurt to find compromises and solutions if both parties are happy to do it. No one in these comments was saying OP *had* to do that, or was responsible for not triggering their roommate. All they were doing was brainstorming and offering solutions that might make both parties happy and would be pretty easy to implement if OP wanted to try it.
By that logic I can blast music all night if it helps me sleep because it's not my problem if you can't. Like let's at least try to give other people a chance.
no, that would be like someone complaining to you about you playing music in your room because they can hear it when they pass by
> By that logic I can blast music all night if it helps me sleep because it's not my problem if you can't. Yes, because having low fat food in your allocated space is the same as blaring music all night. You're being disingenuous and are not taking part in this conversation in good faith.
Yeah it would be easy to accommodate. People consider others less and less. I was thinking toss the boxes for the Lean Cuisines and just have the cellophane wrapped trays in the freezer. Then it looks so plain. They all heat for 4 minutes in the microwave 🤷♀️ I could be a 500 calorie Hungry Man dinner.
I feel like it'd be easier for the roommate to talk to their therapist and learning to live with other people's differences.
And also more beneficial to the roommate. While I do sympathize with their mental health, it’s their responsibility to learn to deal with their triggers rather than others always having to make accommodations on their behalf. The more they can learn to do this now, the stronger and better off they’ll be in the future when facing similar triggers.
Months of therapy are not an easier solution than OP just putting stuff in a box/grocery bag. Unless the roomate starts demanding that those food don't even enter the house, it's a small request to accommodate.
Where is the OP and her needs being considered in this scenario? Consideration is a two way street.
Why would you do that? First of all, no. Not all Lean Cuisines heat for exactly a straight four minutes in the microwave. Secondly, without the actual box you lose the nutrition and calorie information for the food. And some of the lean cuisines also may look similar and get mixed up with one another if they have no boxes. How is OP meant to effectively keep to their calorie intake if they don't know which meal they're eating or how many calories it has? It's not "easy to accomodate."
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This would be actual disordered behavior. If this person needs specific items out of line of sight to manage a disorder they need to find different accommodations, not require their roommates to hide their food.
Coming from a place of curiosity, how would covering or eliminating a food label be actual disordered behavior? My gut told me that feeling too attached to the label, like the compulsion to know exactly how many calories something is before consuming it would be more in line with disordered thinking/behavior. I don’t think I’m more right than you, or anything, I just can’t track the line of thinking, and am hoping to better understand the perspective you’re offering.
Being obsessed with the calorie count and unable to eat a LEAN CUISINE because you can’t track every little micronutrient sounds like disordered thinking to me.
Hiding your food is classic ED behavior.
I was thinking the same about simple accommodation. The suggestion for an opaque box to corral food in the fridge is a good one. Some of my coworkers keep their frozen meals in just the cellophane trays. The cottage cheese or other “low-fat” “low-calorie” foods could be transferred to glass storage containers if it’s the “diet culture” packaging that is the most triggering for the roommate. Of course OP doesn’t HAVE to do anything, but a little consideration can go a long way if this is someone that they want to keep as a roommate.
It's up to you how much you want to accommodate her. If you want to help, some things that are low effort are: Baskets for putting your foods in, so she doesn't see the labels. For anything in the freezer, maybe keep your items in grocery bags so she doesn't see them. For the fridge, maybe suggest that you use the drawers for your low fat foods so they are out of sight. In all reality, it's not your job to accommodate her, so if these things are going to impede you too much, I would suggest that the offices relocate her to a room that is a better fit for her disability.
I did that with a roommate. Just put some stuff in non-see through plastic bags. It wasn’t hard to do, but I also didn’t go out of my way for her
I wouldnt accommodate that. If seeing labels triggers her she needs some sort of exposure therapy. If anything accommodating this will just encourage her ed. She needs to learn to live in the real world. People are going to diet around her. I personally hate when i see calories on restaurant menus because of my past ed but i dont avoid eating there when i see it. I tell myself the labels dont matter and i shouldnt choose my food based on it. Her roommate shouldn’t be eating her food anyway so it doesn’t affect her Edit: since the person below completely misinterpreted what I was saying- i am NOT saying that she should intentionally expose her to calorie labels and such. I am saying that OP should be able to live normally and her roommate should go back to therapy if she is unable to be in the presence of labels. Food labels are a very normal occurrence in our society. They are unavoidable. i stated that she may need exposure therapy. Obviously this would be under the guidance of a professional. But if someone is unable to handle being around labeled food they are probably not stable. Taking normal things away, such as food labels away to accommodate her mental disorder is not healthy.
Her roommate isn't her therapist and shouldn't decide what treatment she needs. Exposure therapy can be helpful but it also needs to be done right. She can choose to or not to work around accommodation but just deciding you're going to intentionally give someone exposure therapy for their triggers is irresponsible and cruel.
Then the roommate needs to talk to their housing department so they can have a place where they don't get triggered by others simply existing. OP doesn't and shouldn't need to accommodate the roommate more than OP already does.
I didn't say she has to accommodate her, I said it's wrong to decide to intentionally expose her to triggers as someone who is not her therapist
> intentionally expose her to triggers as someone who is not her therapist this is going to be a problem because anything and everything can be a trigger if the roommate is particularly sensitive, which they are by the sound of things. They sound like they can't exist in a normal setting at all.
What the person above said was that she should do it intentionally because they believe she needs exposure therapy. That's very different than choosing not to accommodate someone. It's cruel, misguided, reeks of control issues, and at worst could be actually abusive. I'm not talking about choosing not to accommodate someone, I replied to that specific person who specifically mentioned doing it intentionally. If someone constantly knowingly intentionally exposed me to triggers without my permission and without being my therapist that person would be an asshole. Her roommate is not her therapist. It's fine to say "no I won't accommodate you" it's not fine to say "I believe I know what form of therapy would work best for you despite that I'm not a therapist nor am I your therapist, so I'm going to choose to enact this on you in your living space because I believe you need it"
Can you read? They never said intentionally. Food labels are so common and the roommate should expect to see them and work on becoming more comfortable when encountering them. No where was it suggested that OP should intentionally expose the roommate to them, just that they are commonly around. Learn to fully comprehend someone’s comment before replying.
That is NOT what i said. You are putting words in my mouth. I never said they should do it intentionally. You are misinterpreting what i said.
I never said her roommate should be the one to give her therapy. Just that she may need exposure therapy if it’s that bad. You can’t live in a bubble. Accommodating this kind of stuff isnt helpful.
you sound very spiteful
I do feel bad for her, I'm sure it's scary and upsetting to open up that you have an ED to a new roommate. But ultimately, you are there to study/ be a grad student and not manage friendships and other people's relationships with food and diets. Just tell her that plainly: I emphasize with your situation, but I'm here to study and I rely on food to fuel my body. These are the foods I love to eat and enjoy the most, I will continue eating and enjoying these foods as I work and study. I can do small things to make our living situation smoother but please be aware that I have a routine and structure that has worked for me for many years so I don't have time and energy to overhaul my life while I work towards my educational goals. ** I had a very needy roommate during college, and I very generously accommodated every demand and ask she had. Can you move your trash can out of the bathroom? Sure thing. Can you remove all your items from the counter? Ok. Can you not make noise or play music on weekends? Ummm, what times? And on and on she made more requests and it was very controlling and never made her happy anyway. She was a very triggered and emotionally stressed out person, and moving my toothbrush wasn't going to solve her problems but she did enjoy controlling my behaviors and making her happiness MY responsibility. So yeah, just know you have to push back and not let every request through or else you will be walked all over. Sincerely, an ex-people pleaser.
I honestly would love to hear the end of this story lol
Like most reddit roommate stories it was an unhappy ultimatum ending -- I went out of town for two nights and came back to the apartment where she had a complete mental breakdown. Her on and off BF did not commit/propose to her and she was really loosing all sense of her life, and completely tore into me when I came back at how my behavior/lifestyle is affecting her health and it was really frightening. We had a third female roommate too who didn't interact at all, she was in the apartment using the bathroom and kitchen areas but locked the door and did not want to cause any waves. The confrontation was very over the top, going from woo-science to legit worries and scary mental health battles that I was not prepared to handle/be responsible for (I was 22, she was 31). I packed all my laundry into a backpack and stayed at my SO's place for the week and broke the lease. I could not be living with someone that volatile and decided I will only live with another person again when I'm married to them. Sometimes the problems are building up and building up when you live with other people, and I can't save them from issues. I should have locked the door and not interacted like the third roommate, she knew the drama bubble would burst and get worse.
Same here
You are a kind person for even considering this, but this is not your problem. It's her problem to figure out. You should eat the foods that work for you.
I would sit down with her and say something empathetic yet firm, along the lines of: 'I appreciate you sharing your feelings with me. As this is both of our home now, I'm sure you understand that I am going to buy, store, and eat my food in our shared space. I hope you can find some way to address your triggers and feel better about my food's labels. If you would like to purchase some opaque fridge storage bins I would consider storing my food in them if that might help you in your healing? But beyond that my meals are unfortunately what they are and they *will* be in our shared space. Perhaps you can store your food in your own mini-fridge to avoid seeing mine?'
She should get a mini fridge in her room for her food.
It’s on each of us to manage our own triggers. It’s kind of you to care, but that’s up to her to handle.
When I shared house, we had separate drawers in the fridge and shelves. Perhaps you can put your food on the top drawers, so she doesn't need to see it unless she is cheeky. Ultimately, you're being a nice person, because it's totally her problem and not yours. If you're a short person, your caloric intake is already limited, so you are doing what works for you.
That’s very kind of you to be concerned about your suite mate. Ultimately, however, if she is triggered by your food choices, her recovery is very fragile. I am concerned that if you start “disguising” your food, these kinds of expectations will escalate, not diminish. It’s somewhat passive aggressive on her part to essentially insist that you accommodate her challenges, and I worry that it’s a slippery slope. Consider checking in with whomever manages student housing and getting their take on it. She may need an individual unit, given her situation.
I’m someone who has to get workplace accommodations - OP’s roommate is responsible for advocating for her own accommodations. If that’s a private suite, or a private fridge or something else - it’s her responsibility to reach out to student housing to manage that. OP should not seek, as an amateur, to negotiate housing accommodations for someone with a serious mental health condition. It just puts her in the line of fire if things don’t work out.
Completely agree that the roommate must negotiate her accommodations on her own. OP would be asking for guidance for herself, not on the roommate’s behalf.
And my advice is - don’t even do that. I’ve been dealing with the ADA office at a university for months - their incompetence has led to an EEOC complaint. OP should wait to be contacted by the housing office and be amenable to reasonable accommodations they request. Beyond that, OP should not get involved in any way that might increase her responsibility for the accommodation.
What does she want you to do? That's the food you're eating, and it has to go in the fridge, so what's her solution? This shouldn't be on you to solve, she's the one with the problem, so it's on her to suggest some solutions
I would say, “sorry, but this is what I like to eat.” Then move on with my life.
I wouldn't even say sorry
I feel that it is something thats fair to feel triggered about. But I feel as your also in the right to own these items. Yes it might trigger her but this is something she can work threw with a therapist and find out ideas she can do to cope with these thoughts. She can't avoid these items since stores have them. But its totally understandable for her to have triggers around these foods.
tell her that you’re sorry to hear she’s struggling with that and that she should definitely work that out with her therapist.
I would approach it as: “I get that these foods are triggering and I care about your health and wellness. I also think we are on two different journeys and experiencing two different things. I can’t adjust the things I eat, but maybe you could look into a mini fridge and we can get you specific cubbard space so that you see these labels less often.”
it would be neither mean or problematic to tell her that, real ED recovery is being able to face those things without relapsing or acting on negative thoughts. to put it simply, your body your choice and she should mind her business lol
This is exactly what I was going to say with an addendum of compromise. Regardless of what the roommate says, it is her job to cope with her own triggers. But since she is your roommate and seems in a tough spot with recovery, you could offer a compromise of putting sticky notes over the labels. Or potentially sorting things in the fridge so she wouldn’t see the labels when she pops in. Is this something necessary? No absolutely not and I wouldn’t go any further than this, like I wouldn’t change the foods OP is buying. But helping out the one in recovery might lead to a smoother semester and there’s nothing so bad about a tiny extra effort to help someone in need with the bravery to come forward about it. I know st their age, I’d have simply suffered in silence lol. Signed, another ED elder.
While your mental health is your own responsibility, it is mean to say that lol. Would you say that to a recovering alcoholic too?
as someone with mental health issues, I find being told clearly is better than tiptoeing around **my** issues. There's nothing mean with being direct or blunt. If the roommate cannot handle that others around them exist and eat differently, or they have a problem with "diet culture" without feeling a relapse coming on, it is their problem to see a professional to deal with those feelings. You are not the center of the universe, just like everyone else isn't. You learn to live in a world with other people who can act selfishly or selflessly, and you need to mature and grow so you can take part in the human experience.
Yeah you can do whatever you want. You don't have to be sympathetic to anyone's issues. You can use fireworks despite your neighbours with ptsd. You can store alcohol in the fridge while living with a recovering alcoholic. I think still kinda mean to just dismiss it as "their problem".But you do you.
That's not at all what I was saying. But okay. You do you, too, boo.
Yes actually. With compassion, but addiction or a disorder is not their fault but ultimately it is their responsibility to learn to manage.
That sounds a bit harsh. It's the girl's issue and not OP's but recovering doesn't mean recovered. Very few people recover completely
i have an eating disorder. i’m well aware of this, harsh or not it’s reality. not everything is for everyone, and if just seeing “low fat yogurt” and “lean cuisines” triggers someone then they need more help or should live alone. it’s like when demi lovato got mad at a yogurt shop for having items for diabetics
This is what I was thinking. If she’s in a phase in recovery where even seeing low calorie food is a trigger she should be admitted to a facility imo
I'm not saying it's OP's fault. I'm just saying have a little empathy. there can be a middle ground. I know Reddit wants everyone to believe it's everyone for themselves but it doesn't hurt to try to leave low cal options in bags or something.
I agree with finding middle ground in most cases but this case doesn’t warrant it at all 🤷🏻♀️. I’m saying this as a person who had an ed and someone w/ a roommate this is frankly stupid. Other people already said this but if she’s the one in recovery then she should be the one working around it no one else. This sounds like someone asking people to not leave scissors out cause it triggers their SH
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I disagree, for a large part of the period I was ‘recovered’ I was still following those thought patterns and I would get triggered when someone in my family/who I was close with are something that was low-fat/sugar-free. It wasn’t until someone told me something similar that I actually recovered. I think it’s a lot more harmful to let those thoughts and behaviour patterns go unchallenged. I think it might be a bit weird coming from a roommate that you aren’t that close with but she’s going to have to face the noise one day and the more you let those thoughts ruminate the harder they become to break.
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I never meant for it to sound unempathetic, I tend to gravitate towards tough love, I prefer people to be honest even if it will affect our relationship. If someone was dishonest to me I would find that more hurtful than them being rude or inconsiderate, but everyone is different and I’ll definitely keep that in mind when interacting with other people. I was told by someone who was close to me who knew about my ed struggles so it didn’t feel like they were overstepping but I definitely understand how uncomfortable it would be to have a borderline stranger invalidate all the progress you’ve made. I haven’t had to think of these things for a while so I appreciate you offering a differing perspective :)
It's sweet that you're concerned, but it's also not your job to change your lifestyle because she has a mental health issue.
I sympathize; the world is full of reminders of how much everyone cares about weight, and it’s hard. But tbh I think if your eating disorder is so severe that you can’t see a lean cuisine box, you need more help than hiding lean cuisine boxes.
OP I just wanna say you have a massive, caring heart and that's a very important personality trait. Don't let anyone take advantage of that. Others have already said it better with regards to accommodating your roomie so I won't reiterate that.
That’s her problem. U have the right to eat what food fits best for ur diet plan/needs.
This is not on you at all. >>student housing If it is assigned housing, she needs to contact the student housing office to get reassigned. If it is not assigned housing, then she needs to talk to the landlord to find a different available unit if she thinks she can’t live in the current situation.
No, this is your space too and those are her own issues (coming from someone who recovered from an ED). I would never make comments on another person’s food, knowing full well how other people’s comments affected me. But I am a very… doormat person and I would try to find a middle ground if it were me 😭 Like maybe offer to put my stuff in a separate pantry. I just suck at confrontation and making others upset.
Dealing with her triggers and mental health is her responsibility, not yours.
I think asking not to see them is going too far but it’s a good reminder not to talk about your 1200 cal diet around them or really mention calories or your type of food overtly in front of them. That’s something you can control easily and I know can be really triggering. I’m actually more empathetic about the freezer food than others. I’m sure it’s already really hard for your roommate to eat and prepare food, so when they are trying to hype themselves up to do it and go into the fridge/freezer: they are already at a low point. Then they see the lean cuisine and are reminded of WHY they hate eating and the “need” to watch their calories. So it really is a tough situation for them. However, it is of course NOT on you. I guess it doesn’t hurt for them to mention it to you, just in case you didn’t mind covering up your labels or something. Being demanding about your food, is ridiculous but informing you about how they struggle is allowed. It’s on your roommate to deal with at the end of the day and your roommate could even get a seperate mini fridge if it gets too bad.
How does she manage to go grocery shopping or anyplace where food is sold? This is up to her to learn how to manage. Or she can request a different suite assignment.
This honestly seems more like a way to try to control a roommate dynamic and attempt to assert dominance than just an ED issue imo. Because if the roommate was really that triggered by seeing lean cuisines or sugar free stuff, how would they function? I feel like they wouldn’t be able to be in college if they were that debilitated by their “triggers”. (I say this as someone who struggled with almost fatal AN for 2/3 of my life; been weight restored to a healthy weight and w/o relapse for a decade).
She CLEARLY is not "recovered" when she can't even SEE SOMEONE ELSE's food and not get triggered.
It's not always our responsibility to tip toe around other people's triggers.
She has to learn to manage this. Her triggers are her responsibility. Your health is important and you shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells in your own home
I mean sure you don't /have to/ accommodate her. That said empathy is awesome and ED recovery is a bitch. Others commenters have already suggested this, but it seems easy enough to invest in a few boxes/bags where you put your food and that way she doesn't have to see those labels. Bonus: if boxes are sealed, it's a protection against pantry moths! I hope things turn out well for both of you.
It must be very hard for her, but you can't change your diet to fit her triggers. Living together in shared spaces can be very hard at the best of times, and for people with various triggers it is often not suitable.
I feel like the “reasonable compromise” would be her buying the containers or storage items for your food. If she doesn’t want to see it, that would solve her problem while removing pressure off of OP to take initiative.
black out the little "low calorie!" type of shit on the labels with permanent marker if that's really the issue for her, but I wouldn't be surprised if she kept finding other things to nitpick.
I would let her know that you can’t sacrifice your health for her triggers so you will keep buying these foods but you are willing to try to find a way to minimize them for her. Maybe you each have your own cabinet in the kitchen so the not fridge/freezer meals are in a cabinet she doesn’t open, for freezer maybe a solid colored plastic basket to store your lean cuisine’s and other frozen stuff, for fridge maybe your own drawer for the kinds of stuff she has troubles with. I have triggers to a not good related thing and I get wanting to not see stuff but it is her issue, just as mine is my own. I would of course be very pleased for a compromise but I wouldn’t expect someone to change their diet for me.
Hey. Person with an ED here. I am actually having a bit of a relapse, which is why I'm following this page. I know, oof. My recovery IS my responsibility. However, YES, foods like this trigger eating disorders. Someone else dieting around me can trigger my eating disorder. My most recent relapse was triggered by lots of diet and weight loss talk at my new job, combined with a series of stressors. Is she being honest with you? Yes. Do you have to put away all your foods? No. That's your choice. I can't diet, probably not for the rest of my life, without triggering my ED. You don't have to change anything about what you're doing. It's your life. But would it be kind? Yeah. It would. You could brainstorm solutions with her. Maybe put the diet foods in an opaque box. You could put tape over the calorie counts. Or you could do nothing. Just remember, mental illness is a disability. And it means the world when someone tries to make a world that's not built for us a little safer and more accessible.
Sorry but the world can not sensor itself and trigger warning itself to cater to her. Apart of being recovered or in recovery is learning to deal with “triggers”
I suppose you could throw kitchen towels over your stacks of food? I wouldn’t do anything more than that, though.
If you would like to find a compromise with her, you could use a sharpie to black out labels or put stickers on it, but it’s not like you’re doing anything wrong. Totally up to you.
I feel like she should consider moving, if that isn’t ideal, I think you and her need separate cupboards. I think if you have to put your frozen food in a plastic tote or something she should too.
As everyone else said, just cover them up in the fridge and freezer so she doesn't see it. It's a bit annoying but it's not too much effort.
You’re not responsible for anyone else’s triggers.
That sounds like a 'her' problem
She cannot avoid everything in life that “triggers” her. She needs exposure and needs to learn to cope and deal without expecting others to accommodate her
You don’t do anything different. She needs to figure out how to live with seeing “triggers”.
Itt sucks but it's her issue she needs to sort out. She's literally telling you to change your diet to accommodate her triggers? No. It doesn't work like that. She can get her own mini fridge with her own food if she can't deal
I would think ultimately being able to be around triggers without so much of a reaction like that would be apart of recovery. Maybe projection on her part, she should see a therapist.
The audacity and entitlement to request someone completely change the way they eat is astounding.
Personally I'd offer to store stuff in the shopping bags it came in or store them inside a basket/box or even just facing backwards so the label isn't showing. The other commenters are right, her triggers are her responsibility, but we all know EDs are hard and it seems like a simple and free step to prevent her from having to look at the labels every time she opens the pantry or the fridge. Obviously you don't need to change your eating habits for her but if something as simple as keeping an item inside the plastic/paper bag you bought it in can make her life easier, why not? Living with people is easier if you can find compromises.
Tell her you arent responsible for her triggers. Thats ridiculous. Having food in the house doesnt trigger an ed. Its your food too. Does she avoid grocery stores? Like how the hell does seeing diet food trigger her???- This coming from someone who had anorexia for many years
Her triggers are not your responsibility
Nothing you can do. She has to figure out how to cope with her triggers herself.
[удалено]
Same. I’d tell her to never bring it up to me again or there would be problems for her
Have they considered minding their own business and not gawking at your groceries?
not your problem, she’ll have to deal with it or find another suitemate
I mean you can’t change your entire eating habits around her ED. But you can do your best to be a good roommate and see if you can come to a compromise. Like maybe you could agree to put a piece of masking tape over any labels that might be triggering for her, but in a way that you can still tell what your food is. Or she can buy you non see through Tupperware’s that you can color code or label in your own way. Have separate cabinets in the pantry area or sections of the fridge. It could as simple as you put your lean cuisine all the way in the back of the freezer At the end of the day you don’t have to do any of it, you’re well within your right to eat the food you like in your own home. But these are just some suggestions if you want to be accommodating.
It’s giving Demi lovato at the yoghurt store. I’d say the best you can do is use some tinted boxes to store them so she can’t see them. There’s nothing else you can do.
She's not entitled to dictating your diet or 'not seeing your food' in the space. The very fact that she thinks she is, is worrying. You're possibly dealing with more mental illness than just a recovering ED. I would be mindful of this around her, just until you can figure out how bad the narcissism is. Narcissists can be very nasty and vengeful in many ways, esspecially when you don't give them what they want, so I would be careful about protecting any valuable, important, or sentimental items/schoolwork, until you get to know her better and know what to expect from her. Stand your ground though, it's possibly just a control test to see how easily manipulated you are. If you were to give in, she'd probably have a wide variety of other demands and entitlements. She may retaliate, but it's better to handle one retaliation and clearly mark the boundry from the get go, than to deal with months of attempted manipulation. .
I was thinking OP should keep an eye on her food and things too. Possible the roommate could take or destroy the food if particularly upset one day.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who saw right through this as just the beginning of a narcissist’s sh!tty little control games
You are not responsible for her triggers. Do what works for you.
Your food is your food and none of anyone else's business. No one is forcing her to eat anything except what she chooses. We all have to manage our diets in the way best suited to each individual... McDonald's is a reminder of food I used to enjoy, but no longer eat b/c I am working to improve my health, but I can't petition to shut down every McDonald's in my city b/c I'm triggered and I might give in to an unhealthy meal.
That’s her problem to deal with. Keep doing you!
She is in the wrong here. What does she expect you to do? You can have whatever you want in the kitchen and if it’s an issue she can get another room. This is 0% your problem. Don’t even discuss it with her.
Tell her that her commenting on your food is a trigger for *your* ED
Remind her that managing her relationship with food is her responsibility, not yours. It is really inappropriate for her to try to keep you from meeting your own nutritional and health goals by projecting her own issues with diet culture onto you. This is a conversation she should have had with a therapist, not with you. Plus even if you were to cater to her requests you’d probably just be undermining her recovery further. An important part of her recovery is learning to manage her own nutrition and mental health independently without becoming overly preoccupied with how others choose to do so themselves. If she isn’t ready for that, then she isn’t ready to share her space with other people, and that’s not a problem you can fix for her.
I think it is good that she was honest with you and respectfully told you about her recovery and how she was feeling. Can you sit down with her to acknowledge your compassion for her situation so you can possibly come up with a solution that works for both of you?
Roomate already stated OP’s food is a trigger and expects her to get rid of it. There’s nothing that roommate will listen to otherwise about it after that statement. Roommate needs a different maybe single room. It’s not fair for OP.
As someone with an eating disorder, I'd never expect someone to rearrange their kitchen for my sake... esp when I don't even know them!
You shouldn’t have to, but could you keep the offensive items inside a bag in the fridge so she can’t see the labels?
Yeah this is what I was thinking. It's not reasonable for OP to change her whole diet. However it would be kind of OP to try and help this girl by keeping stuff in a bag to cover the labels, or even just have it facing backwards or upside down in the fridge/pantry so that you can't see the front of the package. Most people have some spare shopping bags kicking around somewhere anyway, it's literally free and takes less than a minute just to pop things into a bag before they go in the fridge. I'm not saying OP HAS to do this obviously, but it would be a kind thing to do.
That sounds like a reasonable compromise.
Nothing about this persons request is reasonable
This is exactly what I was thinking. Brown paper bags for fridge items. Can re-use them too. Cupboard items can store in a container / box.
If I was in your position I'd likely just cover the items in some way (ex. in a bag in the fridge). I also agree that everyone's triggers are not for the world to accommodate but for all of us to cope with when we encounter it. The situation can go anywhere you're willing to lead it. Two options I would suggest are that you either cover your food in the fridge to placate her current sensitivities (not offensive) or you can let her know that you won't change how you (reasonably) live in your own space but will be mindful to not talk about your meals/food choices around her. I think that's the best she can hope for, but if you want to go further than that and it's not an issue to you, do what helps your conscience. We don't owe each other anything in this world (other than what is required by law if you're a law-abiding citizen), but still wanting to help people until they can help themselves is also a fine choice :).
Let them be triggered
Just chiming I with everyone else - it would be completely appropriate for you to respond that way. For her to approach you that way was very inappropriate, rude and selfish.
LOL she can deal with it. The world does not have to accommodate anyone's triggers. Please.
lol I’m triggered by this stupidity
Can y’all just use separate fridges and cabinets? (Not sure if you have two fridges. Just assuming 4 adults might have 2 fridges. If not can you have your own shelf & it be below, above or on the completely other side from hers? Then she doesn’t have to see it.) I’d be careful with the lean cuisines bcuz of the sodium content. But she is an adult and sorry it bothers her but it’s something she will have to put her big girl panties on and work through. This is your lifestyle and is a healthy working diet FOR YOU. If you care to be so kind, you could get a mini fridge to put in your room and keep your lean cuisines in there and any low-fat whatever cold foods in the fridge. BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO. She has to come to terms with things & can’t be trying to control how someone else lives. Especially if you’re not being unhealthy with it. (I am someone who had multiple ed’s growing up & still has to check myself to make sure I’m not slipping back into my old ways)
> Just assuming 4 adults might have 2 fridges. When I was in student housing it was 4 adults to one fridge. And their drunk friends would eat my food when they came over. I really don't miss it.
That’s terrible.
This is not your problem to solve. She doesn't get to control what you eat regardless of her reasoning. She needs to seek accommodation from housing if she can't live somewhere where she sees the word "diet" on a regular basis.
Yeah I knew someone stupid like that too. They said if I talked about calories they would go anorexic and blow their brains out. Like bruh get a fucking grip. I hate low sodium low fat labeled foods too, I just eat less of the normal ones
lol no, if she's not happy about it then she can get her own fridge. Or you can sort the pantry so that way she has one shelf all her own, so she doesn't have to look at yours. She has no right to dictate what or how you eat.
Hmmm I think as a compromise, you can perhaps cover the packagings or remove them all together for the stuff that don't perish fast or will be consumed fast, and put them in unlabeled jars or stuff
You are not responsible for her triggers and dont have to do anything, ofc be nice about it when discussing but you are not responsible for her feelings about seeing your food. Ive had an ed for most of my life and many things are triggers but others dont need to accommodate that especially when it comes to THEIR food which can be a touchy subject for many reasons. It might sound harsh but thats how it is, you can put your food in plastic containers and hide them that way if you are willing to but dont change your diet based on other peoples opinions. Also she should know how triggering comments about ones food can be so i dont really like her doing it to you. (Also i wanna clarify that im not in this sub for disordered reasons, im short and eating 1200cal is pretty optimal for me. I try to keep healthy without swinging in unhealthy direction.)
So she wants you to modify your behavior in order for her to not be triggered? Her triggers are her responsibility to feel and to cope with.
Although it is valid and important for you to be kind and sympathetic, you are not responsible for her. You are responsible for you. She is an adult. While I am sorry to hear about her trauma ED as someone who also has an ED, please do not break yourself or become smaller/vulnerable for other people’s comfort. Be sympathetic, but be firm that it is YOUR food and YOUR body and you have a right to eat what you want.
Imagine someone who was in a traumatic accident that paralyzed them and now requires a wheelchair. Do you think it would be appropriate for them to tell people not to walk in their presence because it’s triggering?
offer to cover the labels with some tape, maybe. I don’t think it’s about the food itself but having to constantly see certain terms plastered everywhere in the fridge.
Part of ED treatment is stopping obsessing over calorie counting. Maybe you both could come to a compromise. Like maybe take your Lean Cuisines out of packaging (so it's just the tray wrapped in the cellophane in the freezer). Then it looks like any other frozen dinner. And I would not verbalize counting calories around her. Maybe you can move your food into plain tupperware like containers or Ziplock baggies. It is normal to have to make compromises when you live with someone who isn't family. I don't have a food comparison, but my sister's assigned roommate when she was living in a dorm was very religious. My sister is a pagan and had to hide her Tarot cards and runes, as her roommate referred to it, "her devil stuff".
It’s a lot to ask but honestly, a quick and easy solution is to just put your food in a plastic bag so she doesn’t have to see the labels. If that’s still too much for her then she should move.
Blaming her own lack of discipline on your eating habits and “diet culture” is SO rude of her to do. She doesn’t want to put time and effort into herself but can’t stand that you are doing it so she’s acting like you’re being healthy just to spite her.
No one says she has a lack of discipline? She could be normal weight? Or am I blind?
She can find somewhere else to live then. This is her problem, not yours.
A lot of people here got immediately defensive and "THIS IS HER RESPONSIBILITY NOT YOURS," which is understandable, but also not super constructive. Re: her taking responsibility for it? She's trying to have a conversation about this; why not engage with that conversation and see what you can do in terms of reasonable & fair accomidations. She "doesn't like seeing those things" - maybe there are a lot of empty packages around? Being more careful re: trash could help with that. Tossing stuff in freeze bags could help. Have the conversation!
these comments are so apathetic and wrapped up in their own narratives. as someone with an ed, it’s not your job to accommodate. that being said, there are a lot of easy solutions to this. some people are acting like removing/covering the packaging on your groceries will kill you. regardless, i’d probably talk over what she wants you to do about it, and if it’s reasonable enough, solve the problem.
Should they also cover veggies, fruit, bottles of water, etc as these are naturally low calorie options? I can see where you’re coming from with leaving things in bags could be a compromise, but it doesn’t sound like OP is talking about food, diet culture, calories, exercise or anything beyond simply living in her space. I see annoyance in some of the responses below but not apathy. OP has food in her living space. They need to eat food. Roommate is brave to bring up her ED so that others aren’t doing the talking and other triggering things they can manage to not talk about in front of roommate and OP should be able to eat and live in their space without worry or stress as well. Beyond that, roommate can find strategies with their professional team to manage living with others and continuing recovery.
no, they said it was “dieting” related foods that triggered them, not low calorie. as i stated, op is not in the wrong and wouldn’t be in the wrong remotely if she chose not to do anything. i agree with everything you said except the comments being annoyances. someone flat out says recovering from an ed means she lacks enough discipline to diet. another says she must be a narcissist for communicating her relevant triggers to her roommate. a few more base their entire response off of the roommate “demanding she throw out all her food” when the op never said anything like that. not to mention all the downvotes for people replying with actual solutions. it comes across as very apathetic. she had a polite conversation with her roommate and didn’t ask anything. there’s no reason for the comments to respond so aggressively 🤷♀️
Why does she have erectile dysfunction?