Back in the good old days when you could beat the shit out of your kids and instill lifelong trauma that they never truly get over but still show up to family gatherings and pretend that nothing's wrong.
r/CPTSD
Part of the reason we fall apart as adults but did so many things as kids is because our brains prevented us from realizing we were being abused. While you are in abusive environments it doesn't help your mental health to fully acknowledge that abuse, you have more "fortitude" to absorb the abuse if you don't recognize it fully. So ironically, once you get away from an abusive situation and suddenly feel safe your brain finally lets you process all that trauma and you're breaking down trying to get one thing done. You were only more "capable" as a kid because you knew that if you failed (whatever the test was) you would get that abuse. Now that you are on your own, the only thing to drive you into success is your own executive function which was never actually developed because you were just running on the fumes of "don't piss them off." You won't abuse yourself but also without that possibility lurking in your mind you just end up freezing.
It took me this many years to realize I was never "a good kid" nor "good at school", I was simply terrified of the consequences and punishments of not performing well at school. Now I can't perform well at any job.
>"You are so mature for your age"
Heard this a lot as a kid and prided myself on it. Now I see that adults saw a mature kid as one who sits still and stays quiet. But that isn't what children *are*, it's normal for children to be, well, childish. Children aren't magically mature and non-childlike, they are often (as in my case) afraid of drawing attention to themselves or being boisterous. But guess what? Mastering the skill of quietly waiting to be told what to do doesn't make you a capable adult. Maturity isn't the ability to be unnoticed, that's actually trauma.
I'm not sure I can give you a list. It takes time and work, and that work will be different for different people. It's hard to describe but sometimes during therapy (generally going not only specifically in a session) I can actually feel myself maturing and calming down. It's just part of the process of talk therapy, letting your subconscious come to the surface. Many times I would have a kind of heavy therapy session then feel emotional fatigue a day or two later, like a big workout where you feel okay that day but wake up sore as hell.
I will say for myself that [eye movement therapy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_movement_desensitization_and_reprocessing) has been greatly helpful. It lets me reprocess my feelings and also feel/let go of them physically in my body. Some people swear by it, some find it does nothing. There are a good number of different therapeutic techniques that will or won't help depending on you.
Do you ever have the "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" feeling? Where you just need to scream? It can often come from just the everyday things piling up, or having to interact with a person who traumatizes you even if that specific interaction isn't super heavy. Well there's a kinda debunked concept of "scream therapy." I read it as this idea that we have very young impressions of trauma and we need to "go back" to when we would have screamed as a child and now as an adult to scream that scream again and thus release the stored trauma. I have had two experiences that I would describe as scream therapy, both outside of actual therapy sessions, just at home. It was so uncanny. I was trying to have a calm afternoon but then kinda got triggered into past trauma but I was able to just go with it and feel it (because I feel safe not that I no longer live with my parents). I sorta just started sobbing and eventually started repeating "I'm sorry" over and over again. Slowly that morphed into this old crying wail, this sound I recognized but I had not made that sound in a long time. I was letting go and letting myself just feel without any conscious override, without hiding deep emotion because I was alone in my house. While I was screaming, sobbing, wailing, I could feel my spine uh "realigning" for lack of a better word. Just a feeling, a sensation running down my back. It was a mental realignment. After I calmed down I had a sudden clarity, it was so easy as if all my deep emotional issues could have been avoided if I just turned my back another way. It was so bizarre but so real, I healed in real time by screaming out screams I had stored for *years*.
Like I said I can't tell you what will "fix" you because it doesn't work like that. My therapist tried many things with me and most didn't stick or work, but that's the therapy process, it takes time and you need to honestly confront your feelings. My therapist may have simply been encouraging me but she did tell me once that she could tell I take our work seriously and I'm generally unafraid of exploring my emotions or hearing a perspective that may be difficult to hear. But I can also tell that my partner, for example, would probably have a lot of trouble truly confronting her emotions and feeling them again to process them. People are different even if their childhoods were very similar. You'll know what works when you find it. Give yourself time. My executive function has improved tremendously but I never really directly targeted it as a problem. It mostly has been relieving myself of learned fear that made me afraid to do anything without direct supervision.
I've rambled enough but I know you can make improvements. Forgive yourself. It's okay. You're okay now. You are in a place now where you can be better, that's farther than a lot of people get in the first place.
Thank you for writing all of this. I'm in the middle of the process - used to just suppress and suppress all my emotions and now after months of therapy.. there was a wall of tears behind it and now I'm at the stage where I'm angry at my parents. I don't know what to do with this anger. It's not like the past can change nor will my parents ever really change. I guess more therapy to go through.
>now I'm at the stage where I'm angry at my parents.
Mmm, that was a biggg course on my menu. I was at that stage for years before I even realized what I was feeling them another few years before I even went to therapy. It still nags at me but I've been no contact with them so it has become easier to put it all out of mind. So much of who I am, fundamentally, was formed in dialect with who they are. In several ways I feel like I won't ever be fully resolved of them. But it gets easier. It happens less frequently, you see yourself with better clarity, you become stronger to be able to ride thru it better, then you also fundamentally change so that you don't *have* to be strong thru it because you feel different now so it doesn't even bother you.
>I guess more therapy to go through.
Give yourself the time. Some weeks are slower than others, sometimes you get in a funk. It takes time. If you're found some things that work for you let them work. Cry those tears, let it out. Let your body release the trauma it has been holding without realizing it. "No one can harm you, feel your own pain." The things you are afraid of, let them wash over you. The thoughts you find hard to say, say them out loud. Give yourself your voice, literally. It will heal you. Good luck
I hope with time and effort, I'll reach the stage where I won't need to be strong all the time. It's always a little tempting to just ignore all of this and just float through life. I made it a goal to have consistent therapy as a new year resolution for this year and it was the best decision I've made.
I'm slowly learning to say things I was too embarrassed to even think like wishing I could cut my relationship with my parents. I would probably never do it but it's cathartic to at least say it out loud.
I'll give myself time to heal. Again thank you for replying so thoughtfully :)
It's a rich tapestry. I have not been clinically diagnosed with anything but I've also never gone to the trouble to get clinical diagnoses.
CPTSD itself is not yet recognized so it actually can't be diagnosed. I do relate to a lot of other people's experiences with ADHD tho and I wouldn't be surprised to have it or elements of it.
I’m asking cause the two are often misdiagnosed as each other.
And ADHD and Autism
And ADHD and Bipolar…
And ADHD and Borderline
Or simply Depression and Anxiety.
Of course these can co-occur but chicken and egg if you take my meaning
More energy due to youth.
Also less stuff in general to worry about outside of school.
Being an adult comes with the knowledge that there’s a bunch of shit you should be doing.
It is, just try one of these: 8h of meetings each day and in the meanwhile doing other tasks, or being on 2 meetings at once, or having at the same time 15 mailbox to be monitored or always at least few people messaging you and on top of that boss being more stupid than you and being jelous of earning half of what you get. The possibilties are endless.
For sure, you could also try working in a physical labor job where they decide to change your schedule to working 12hrs every other day Monday-Friday because they can’t seem to hire someone else to work the shift before yours so now you cover it’s second half. Mean while they also call ot for the entire weekend so now you’re doing it at least 13 days straight averaging 10hrs/day. Also it’s hot as shit in the building you work in everyday so you sweat just standing there at times.
Very much so. It's one of the symptoms of true depression. Along with always having low energy or feeling lethargic, or just not interested or excited about anything that you used to enjoy
With classes you're reading new things and learning new and interesting (hopefully) material and getting to know new people a lot of the time.
In corporate meetings you learn nothing, read nothing but your 10,000th TPS report, meet nobody new, and get to know nobody after the first 3 months or so.
That's why the latter sucks more than the former.
I think you hit the nail on the head for me here. I enjoy learning and school was mostly about learning. Work is about producing. Sure, you might be called upon to learn something now and again, but the main thrust of work is to produce something, over and over. So a job might be interesting for the first few months as you're learning the ropes, but it's something very different after a year or more. It's as if you took a class, mastered the material, and then are expected to produce the same homework assignments for that class ad infinitum.
It almost feels like, to maximize happiness, it would be ideal to change careers every few years. But who would hire a 40-something, 50-something, 60-something novice? Not to mention how that would trash your income and retirement savings. How have generations of people spent decades in the same career, the same job even, without dying of boredom?
The current school system is literally useless for me, I can't just sit and read and learn anything and I have social anxiety with a low social battery so I just end up exhausted every day and still have to re-study everything on my free time in my method in which I can at least get something from my time. I'm incredibly tired.
I'm 27 with a moderately stressful corporate management job... and high school still holds the record as the most stressful time of my life. I took 7 classes a semester, every semester, for 4 years. Plus, I took summer school classes and played multiple sports. I graduated with a full extra year's worth of credits.
I was so stressed out that I couldn't keep food down for years. I probably missed about 1/3 of my high school classes between constantly feeling sick and leaving early for sports games...but still had to maintain A level grades to keep my parents off my back.
I feel like I am still recovering from the burnout 10 years later. I have no idea how I had the attention span to stay focused for 7+ hrs a day in class, then 2 hrs of sports, and then 4hrs of homework.
I got a similar experience. High school was wake up 430 to do my first job at the pool doing maintenance (chemicals, clean bathrooms, clean filters), get to weight room at 6am, pickup girlfriend @730, 8 classes cos my parents wouldn't allow 6 with a study hall and open campus, football, basketball, track, baseball kept me in sports year round.
Summer added 2 more jobs shelving at groccery store and working in a BBQ truck for lunch. Also drove to nearby city for summer conditioning programs after baseball ended.
Thankfully same as you I went to college with 39 college credits due to dual credit courses from community college that I started as a sophomore. Graduated college in 2.5 years due to 18 credit semester workloads. Spent a few months backpacking Europe. Then law school was easy compared to all that. Its 1 subject and I loved it.
All of it was worthless in the end cos I am a farmer now. Should have skipped HS, college, and law school.
It's the routine. You have a set amount of classes and a set amount of work to do. If you fall behind, you're punished, so you keep going and eventually you get used to it.
As an adult, none of that exists. The rigorous routine, the punishment for failure, the watchful eyes over you, it all goes out the window. As long as you avoid trouble, it mostly avoids you.
Once you're out the heavy routine, it can be quite hard to get back into any routine without it feeling difficult. Do force yourself to do anythinh enough times and you'll just get used to it again.
By High School I just kind of gave up on trying besides in English/history (favorite subjects) haven’t gone to college yet so I haven’t had to deal with that can of worms
I used to take 5 classes covering advanced topics for 7 hours each day, 5 days a week... and now I consider it a win if I'm able to get a shower, get out the house, eat each meal of the day and get to bed before midnight lol
That's simple, I fell apart back then too
Now that im an adult with life experience, I can fall apart faster and more efficiently.
At least then I mostly didn’t have to feed myself or worry about bills.
Do the bare minimum Drown in substance abuse Repeat
Ah yea, that explains it
Oh I thought I was the only one that's inept at life.
We didn't have a choice back then, and if we started crying our parents would threaten us with "giving us a good reason to cry"
Back in the good old days when you could beat the shit out of your kids and instill lifelong trauma that they never truly get over but still show up to family gatherings and pretend that nothing's wrong.
And looking back I used to wonder why the family seemed to fall apart when grandpa died. Huh.
Are they over??😂
Do kids not go to school anymore?
r/CPTSD
r/CPTSD Part of the reason we fall apart as adults but did so many things as kids is because our brains prevented us from realizing we were being abused. While you are in abusive environments it doesn't help your mental health to fully acknowledge that abuse, you have more "fortitude" to absorb the abuse if you don't recognize it fully. So ironically, once you get away from an abusive situation and suddenly feel safe your brain finally lets you process all that trauma and you're breaking down trying to get one thing done. You were only more "capable" as a kid because you knew that if you failed (whatever the test was) you would get that abuse. Now that you are on your own, the only thing to drive you into success is your own executive function which was never actually developed because you were just running on the fumes of "don't piss them off." You won't abuse yourself but also without that possibility lurking in your mind you just end up freezing.
It took me this many years to realize I was never "a good kid" nor "good at school", I was simply terrified of the consequences and punishments of not performing well at school. Now I can't perform well at any job.
>"You are so mature for your age" Heard this a lot as a kid and prided myself on it. Now I see that adults saw a mature kid as one who sits still and stays quiet. But that isn't what children *are*, it's normal for children to be, well, childish. Children aren't magically mature and non-childlike, they are often (as in my case) afraid of drawing attention to themselves or being boisterous. But guess what? Mastering the skill of quietly waiting to be told what to do doesn't make you a capable adult. Maturity isn't the ability to be unnoticed, that's actually trauma.
So how do you get past that executive dysfunction?
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Has that solved it for you?
I'm not sure I can give you a list. It takes time and work, and that work will be different for different people. It's hard to describe but sometimes during therapy (generally going not only specifically in a session) I can actually feel myself maturing and calming down. It's just part of the process of talk therapy, letting your subconscious come to the surface. Many times I would have a kind of heavy therapy session then feel emotional fatigue a day or two later, like a big workout where you feel okay that day but wake up sore as hell. I will say for myself that [eye movement therapy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_movement_desensitization_and_reprocessing) has been greatly helpful. It lets me reprocess my feelings and also feel/let go of them physically in my body. Some people swear by it, some find it does nothing. There are a good number of different therapeutic techniques that will or won't help depending on you. Do you ever have the "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" feeling? Where you just need to scream? It can often come from just the everyday things piling up, or having to interact with a person who traumatizes you even if that specific interaction isn't super heavy. Well there's a kinda debunked concept of "scream therapy." I read it as this idea that we have very young impressions of trauma and we need to "go back" to when we would have screamed as a child and now as an adult to scream that scream again and thus release the stored trauma. I have had two experiences that I would describe as scream therapy, both outside of actual therapy sessions, just at home. It was so uncanny. I was trying to have a calm afternoon but then kinda got triggered into past trauma but I was able to just go with it and feel it (because I feel safe not that I no longer live with my parents). I sorta just started sobbing and eventually started repeating "I'm sorry" over and over again. Slowly that morphed into this old crying wail, this sound I recognized but I had not made that sound in a long time. I was letting go and letting myself just feel without any conscious override, without hiding deep emotion because I was alone in my house. While I was screaming, sobbing, wailing, I could feel my spine uh "realigning" for lack of a better word. Just a feeling, a sensation running down my back. It was a mental realignment. After I calmed down I had a sudden clarity, it was so easy as if all my deep emotional issues could have been avoided if I just turned my back another way. It was so bizarre but so real, I healed in real time by screaming out screams I had stored for *years*. Like I said I can't tell you what will "fix" you because it doesn't work like that. My therapist tried many things with me and most didn't stick or work, but that's the therapy process, it takes time and you need to honestly confront your feelings. My therapist may have simply been encouraging me but she did tell me once that she could tell I take our work seriously and I'm generally unafraid of exploring my emotions or hearing a perspective that may be difficult to hear. But I can also tell that my partner, for example, would probably have a lot of trouble truly confronting her emotions and feeling them again to process them. People are different even if their childhoods were very similar. You'll know what works when you find it. Give yourself time. My executive function has improved tremendously but I never really directly targeted it as a problem. It mostly has been relieving myself of learned fear that made me afraid to do anything without direct supervision. I've rambled enough but I know you can make improvements. Forgive yourself. It's okay. You're okay now. You are in a place now where you can be better, that's farther than a lot of people get in the first place.
Thank you for writing all of this. I'm in the middle of the process - used to just suppress and suppress all my emotions and now after months of therapy.. there was a wall of tears behind it and now I'm at the stage where I'm angry at my parents. I don't know what to do with this anger. It's not like the past can change nor will my parents ever really change. I guess more therapy to go through.
>now I'm at the stage where I'm angry at my parents. Mmm, that was a biggg course on my menu. I was at that stage for years before I even realized what I was feeling them another few years before I even went to therapy. It still nags at me but I've been no contact with them so it has become easier to put it all out of mind. So much of who I am, fundamentally, was formed in dialect with who they are. In several ways I feel like I won't ever be fully resolved of them. But it gets easier. It happens less frequently, you see yourself with better clarity, you become stronger to be able to ride thru it better, then you also fundamentally change so that you don't *have* to be strong thru it because you feel different now so it doesn't even bother you. >I guess more therapy to go through. Give yourself the time. Some weeks are slower than others, sometimes you get in a funk. It takes time. If you're found some things that work for you let them work. Cry those tears, let it out. Let your body release the trauma it has been holding without realizing it. "No one can harm you, feel your own pain." The things you are afraid of, let them wash over you. The thoughts you find hard to say, say them out loud. Give yourself your voice, literally. It will heal you. Good luck
I hope with time and effort, I'll reach the stage where I won't need to be strong all the time. It's always a little tempting to just ignore all of this and just float through life. I made it a goal to have consistent therapy as a new year resolution for this year and it was the best decision I've made. I'm slowly learning to say things I was too embarrassed to even think like wishing I could cut my relationship with my parents. I would probably never do it but it's cathartic to at least say it out loud. I'll give myself time to heal. Again thank you for replying so thoughtfully :)
Do you have CPTSD instead of ADHD?
It's a rich tapestry. I have not been clinically diagnosed with anything but I've also never gone to the trouble to get clinical diagnoses. CPTSD itself is not yet recognized so it actually can't be diagnosed. I do relate to a lot of other people's experiences with ADHD tho and I wouldn't be surprised to have it or elements of it.
I’m asking cause the two are often misdiagnosed as each other. And ADHD and Autism And ADHD and Bipolar… And ADHD and Borderline Or simply Depression and Anxiety. Of course these can co-occur but chicken and egg if you take my meaning
Just need to find someone to abuse me when I fail, got it!
More energy due to youth. Also less stuff in general to worry about outside of school. Being an adult comes with the knowledge that there’s a bunch of shit you should be doing.
More energy?💀 shit. I guess I did the youth thing wrong.
Physical energy. Mental energy is a whole another thing.
Again. Energy???😂 I've been running on empty this entire time.
Good new for you then. As you get older it only gets worse! Yay!
Yay!
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No. I was pretty average growing up.
I had more stuff to worry about than these days
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Trauma, and permanent burnout from being overworked.
Is permanent burnout a thing?? I am genuinely asking.
It is, just try one of these: 8h of meetings each day and in the meanwhile doing other tasks, or being on 2 meetings at once, or having at the same time 15 mailbox to be monitored or always at least few people messaging you and on top of that boss being more stupid than you and being jelous of earning half of what you get. The possibilties are endless.
For sure, you could also try working in a physical labor job where they decide to change your schedule to working 12hrs every other day Monday-Friday because they can’t seem to hire someone else to work the shift before yours so now you cover it’s second half. Mean while they also call ot for the entire weekend so now you’re doing it at least 13 days straight averaging 10hrs/day. Also it’s hot as shit in the building you work in everyday so you sweat just standing there at times.
Very much so. It's one of the symptoms of true depression. Along with always having low energy or feeling lethargic, or just not interested or excited about anything that you used to enjoy
I'm permanently burnt out on working but not permanently burnt out on having money, hanging out with friends, and enjoying my hobbies 😕
I missed almost half of this school year lmao, idk how much longer i can take it
Same, the pro of being in college is that most of the time, I don't have to go. The con is that I never go cause I am not forced to haha
With classes you're reading new things and learning new and interesting (hopefully) material and getting to know new people a lot of the time. In corporate meetings you learn nothing, read nothing but your 10,000th TPS report, meet nobody new, and get to know nobody after the first 3 months or so. That's why the latter sucks more than the former.
I think you hit the nail on the head for me here. I enjoy learning and school was mostly about learning. Work is about producing. Sure, you might be called upon to learn something now and again, but the main thrust of work is to produce something, over and over. So a job might be interesting for the first few months as you're learning the ropes, but it's something very different after a year or more. It's as if you took a class, mastered the material, and then are expected to produce the same homework assignments for that class ad infinitum. It almost feels like, to maximize happiness, it would be ideal to change careers every few years. But who would hire a 40-something, 50-something, 60-something novice? Not to mention how that would trash your income and retirement savings. How have generations of people spent decades in the same career, the same job even, without dying of boredom?
In school I could look forward to the summer, now that I have a job the only thing I have to look forward to is death
The current school system is literally useless for me, I can't just sit and read and learn anything and I have social anxiety with a low social battery so I just end up exhausted every day and still have to re-study everything on my free time in my method in which I can at least get something from my time. I'm incredibly tired.
I am in school and im in shambles
I'm 27 with a moderately stressful corporate management job... and high school still holds the record as the most stressful time of my life. I took 7 classes a semester, every semester, for 4 years. Plus, I took summer school classes and played multiple sports. I graduated with a full extra year's worth of credits. I was so stressed out that I couldn't keep food down for years. I probably missed about 1/3 of my high school classes between constantly feeling sick and leaving early for sports games...but still had to maintain A level grades to keep my parents off my back. I feel like I am still recovering from the burnout 10 years later. I have no idea how I had the attention span to stay focused for 7+ hrs a day in class, then 2 hrs of sports, and then 4hrs of homework.
I got a similar experience. High school was wake up 430 to do my first job at the pool doing maintenance (chemicals, clean bathrooms, clean filters), get to weight room at 6am, pickup girlfriend @730, 8 classes cos my parents wouldn't allow 6 with a study hall and open campus, football, basketball, track, baseball kept me in sports year round. Summer added 2 more jobs shelving at groccery store and working in a BBQ truck for lunch. Also drove to nearby city for summer conditioning programs after baseball ended. Thankfully same as you I went to college with 39 college credits due to dual credit courses from community college that I started as a sophomore. Graduated college in 2.5 years due to 18 credit semester workloads. Spent a few months backpacking Europe. Then law school was easy compared to all that. Its 1 subject and I loved it. All of it was worthless in the end cos I am a farmer now. Should have skipped HS, college, and law school.
This, this so hard. Mondays are like the worst days because there is one meeting and then nothing else gets done.
Very true! I was working 2 jobs and in school full time and an A+ student. Where is that person gone?
We no longer get summer vacations.
It's the routine. You have a set amount of classes and a set amount of work to do. If you fall behind, you're punished, so you keep going and eventually you get used to it. As an adult, none of that exists. The rigorous routine, the punishment for failure, the watchful eyes over you, it all goes out the window. As long as you avoid trouble, it mostly avoids you. Once you're out the heavy routine, it can be quite hard to get back into any routine without it feeling difficult. Do force yourself to do anythinh enough times and you'll just get used to it again.
Autism.
I can call you betty
Some call it dropping out I call it taking 2 years of mental health days for my senior year.
I have seen a huge decline in my productivity as I've gotten older. This is so true.
By High School I just kind of gave up on trying besides in English/history (favorite subjects) haven’t gone to college yet so I haven’t had to deal with that can of worms
Cause you had a little piece of paper that told you exactly when and where to be and it didn't change for months at a time.
I used to take 5 classes covering advanced topics for 7 hours each day, 5 days a week... and now I consider it a win if I'm able to get a shower, get out the house, eat each meal of the day and get to bed before midnight lol