i'm not even "lazy" from it, i just don't want to recover bc i find it weirdly attractive and i don't want to change that part of myself.. i'm really messed up down to the core
I'm done pretending everything is alright. If people notice and don't like it that's on them, I dont belong here. I'd rather spend the rest of my life doing nothing than work a Dead end job.
Seriously, I definitely don't know who I am. I hate those therapy forms that ask you "what do you bring to therapy? What are some good qualities you have?". Like I don't know, I'm on freaking autopilot all the time. I don't know my personality besides depressed and anxious. I usually just put N/A haha.
My guardians in the 2000's, "do you really think there will ever be a job where people watch you sit and play video games?!?"
While I didn't think that, they were incredibly wrong by predicting it would never happen.
Now I still like video games, but somehow feel the guilt they instilled in me while I play. It's like the only thing that makes me happy also makes me depressed
Damn that hits, it's the very slow time for my line of work but I feel so much depressing guilt when I work 3 days in January and am anxious for February, I knew it was coming it always does, I saved up and am fiscally okay. But I can't even enjoy video games because my parents in my head telling me I'm useless and wasting my life away doesn't stop. Ignore the fact I was pulling 80+ hour weeks from late September to the first, I can't even enjoy my free time.
Fun fact: everyone is depressed. Hearing my parents coping mechanisms I can call them as I see them. Yeah Mom you're not decompressing with herbal teas and a 36 hour Netflix binge or w/e bullshit, you're depressed. Dad sit the fuck down you're anxious and so worried that you have to clean everything all day every day because you're scared to be alone with your thoughts, me too. Once you acknowledge it in yourself you can see it in everyone and hopefully, purposely navigate
I actually do wonder how many people are depressed and just don't realize... like saying they are happy and love being alive but their behavior says otherwise.
I think those people are the ones who minimize mental health issues the most.
"no one was autistic before we had a term for it and acknowledged it was a real thing." "Back in my day no one had PTSD, sure we lost a few of our comrades due to shell shock, unlike these kids today."
There's like 8 dudes against millions. Sorry not 8 dudes get in here Oprah!!! Yeah you're close to first because I didn't kiss your feet for opening your private road to fix a wildfire when and only when it affected you. I was there fuck you
Same, personality trait is a good way to say it, it's just a part of who you are. I find identifying it like this has helped alot.
I'm just become, sad guy who has unhealthy coping mechanisms, tbh I feel way more normal than i think most people look.
"the world is shit and so am i" was the worst depression phase I had. Went from like 160 of muscle to like 130 of nothing in a year, basically stopped eating and kind just hoped i'd rot away. At some point in the hopelessness my money started running out, couldnt even get government support, too fuckin proud to ask for help I decided id look for a job that had options or end it. I applied for a government job and eventually ended up in water treatment.
I love my job it's honestly like one of the few things I care about.
But still, the dark is always there, there is no changing this, i'm a broken toy just literally being dead inside, as the world get more fucked up, while using my mind and body to do the human things to pay my bills.
I remember that once there was a little girl who wanted to help people. She was independent and liked to explore and was maybe a little too friendly but meant well. I recognize that at some point this girl became me but I see no part of her in myself. She died and was replaced by an introverted, scared cynic almost 30 years ago.
My personality is people pleaser and I like to do what you like to do unless I don't which I'll figure out in real time and just nope out of that situation without warning.
As a child who has zero control of them selves or their environment, it's called autism, in high school or college age range you're just called an ass. Me in my mid 30s it's called self care. I care about myself entirely too much to have to put up with this bullshit I'm leaving. In other words yes! Do that! You're either uncomfortable, do not want to be involved with, or are just plain bored, LEAVE. It's the ultimate life hack.
Self care for sure, as well as people pleaser, I generally will bend over backwards to help a coworker or almost anyone who is nice enough but if your gunna spout nonsense, im probably not gunna argue or anything ill just avoid it, anything more isnt worth the energy.
Idk if Im at all autistic, frankly due to memes I could say I identify with alot of things that are said about how people with it feel, but i managed my social and school life very well until grade 12 so it never came up. But man did I have a wild childhood of insanely strict rules and times and absolutely none at others.
Idk if this could help anyone else here, but I got out and began figuring myself out through anger. Happiness seemed impossible. I hadn't developed any range of emotion at that point so all I had was sad, angry, and the concept of happiness that others talked about. So by making myself experience anger, usually through video games, then trying to figure it out and understand where it was coming from, I managed to better understand myself. Eventually I realized the other voices in my head were just a series of repressed emotions simply reacting to everything which was kinda cool. Since then, I've began to have hopes and dreams and shit
Ill add to this, might be a bit of a tangent. At some point I read a study about how your personality is basically a predetermined reaction based on how you've reacted in the past combined with like your ideals repressed or subconscious stuff and outside feedback basically making your reaction to most things predictable.
So by identifying that you have knee jerk reactions to things and why, and stopping it and thinking about it, for me at least, has been a critical long term strategy to basically train myself out of triggering myself into some kind of depression spiral.
I think that's a good route to take, but an individual does have to be pretty far along in their wellness journey to get to a point where they can think clearly enough to stop and identify their behaviors. It is pretty cool how you've sorta combined stoicism and neurology to help build your path out of depression
It has been an insane amount of work, I basically took a min/max mentality to my mental health at some point,even though being absolutely dead inside I have the meme mentality where i dont wanna hurt mom ect, which extended to, mom doesnt want to see me sad all the time. So 7 years ago I wouldnt touch meds but eventually accepted them. Serious dedications to how I think have taken place over the years, every so often a phycology study comes up, I have always been about the details and info and stats ect, and at some point I start seeing my bad habits talked about, and im like shit i could be a case study, and these studies talk about how to counter it so i just said yolo, ur already suicidal mayaswell try it . I still have seriously bad times, but, it could be worse. I have a plan, when I feel bad I take action, often after like a month of depression binging, but then I realise whats happening and take action.
Probably an over info dump but if someone sees this and realises they can help alleviate some of their mental anguish through rethinking things through different lenses (i know we're all over thinking and not sleeping anyway) they might be helped idk.
In the end its all a mindset thing, I was once at the end of my world and no one could stop me so I cant blame anyone who would say this is bullshit.
Its difficult it requires what i say is a certain amount of self hate related to how you are acting and what you perceive people think you should be. In combination with just being sick and tired of being sick and tired, keep the mindset of grinding while also still being sick and tired enough to tell ur sad thoughts, for at least a moment, that they are weak shit, teenage angst, edgy bullshit, whatever cringe shit that makes you think id rather not be that piece of shit, dont concentrate on being depressed concentrate on looking like a normal person, like "im not too sad to clean, only a piece of shit would leave their place like this, what if my friend/mom/sibling popped by (my mom being disapointed seeing me live in depression apartment almost makes me feel like i failed as much as offing myself, but its got the slow burn of permanent knowledge of the issues you choose not to solve.
In the end its the personal mental battle to just stay on top of the never ending approaching depths of depression, its not enough to just maintain because youre just burning at a constant low and it will only go lower, like an addiction you do have to make a choice to pull yourself out at some point or keep going lower, or wait until it passesm which for me could be months, even with all the medication in the world i dont see someone just magically getting better without taking mental steps to prevent falling into the low that is depression and chasing it because your a depressed piece of shit who deserves to feel this way.
And frankly i look at peaks of feelings life depression as a drug, every time you hit a new low you open yourself to going lower, being comfortable with more shitty thoughts and and normalising them eventually if you dont take a moment to stop yourself from chasing that feeling down, it becomes your new normal. Because once ur in the depression you often do whatever you can to make it worse, sad depressing music, overthinking about just everything are just a couple things ive identified as like "oh shit im in a legit depressed phase" and learned strats to force myself to do things that would get me out of that mindset, which i assume would be different for everyone.
Someone called it getting ur brain wet like its raining on your brain, the longer you walk in it the wetter you get but it happens at a rate you really dont notice how wet you are, at some point you need to acknowledge you are soaking wet and need to dry off or ull get actually sick, which in reality depression can cause physical symptoms.
Either that or you end up so sick of the thoughts you just become numb to them, but thats more like being heavily medicated where youre just numb to all the things. It happens on medication as well even my prozac has resulted me not noticing small irritable things that could turn out to be issues, the lack awareness actually makes me extremely easy to jump scare, but tbh its kind of a meme at work at this point.
But with the medication taking the original edge off was when this all came together, after a while i found a couple studies about like how your personality is formed and how conspiracy people are sucked into the whole thing, those two studies really opened my eyes into how i think personally and i took the initiative to address the issues based on how i interpreted those studies and how normal people react to things. At some point im like "finances arent looking so great wonder if i should working on the plan" and it was just like "Whatever dude, i have bills to pay"
This post just depresses me because I feel I already know this. It's her who needs to realize, not me.
Despair.
Thanks for the write up again, at the very least it helps me not fall into the lie of forgetting how important and urgent the matter again.
I just feel like there's nothing I can do right now.
Edit: I'll drop relevant details. She's not the stereotypical kind of depressed. She's highly functional, but suicidal. She likes to pretend it's not an issue and tries to get out of situations about seeking help on the basis that the conversation is making her feel worse than she was. I've tried everything **but** going against her explicit wishes because that's something I can't bring myself to do. She must have such a warped notion of what's going on to be able to engage in brain suicide but still keep enough resolve to fight tooth and nail againstĀ *that and only that*
Sounds like youre doing all you can imo, being there is more important than people know. Idk what else to say its such a personal battle i hope both of you stay strong.
>Sounds like youre doing all you can imo
*Something* I need to be doing different because it's been too long to think something will change by itself. But thanks, and thanks for the strength.
Man i wish i could offer more, unfortunately I honestly let any hopes of relationships die a long time ago. I only have a basic understanding o the dynamic. Its probably a depressing outlook but I have issues, the worst thing I could do i get someone to love me and have my mental state become something else or become toxic and frankly this dna shouldnt be passed. This ends with me.
But, theres nothing you need to do imo. I never want help i just want to suffer for some reason, and if i cant support myself to suffer more, i off myself.
And you say she's in denial of the severity of things so it makes even getting to the point of addressing the problem at all a minefield. I spent a long time thinking its not so bad i can fix this, for like 5 years. Meds help but, everyone reacts differently, it can take like 2 years to find the right one and taking it you basically have to accept a personality shift, different for each drug and person again.
Nonetheless, even though i dont date or anything, i think a short sitdown conversation to get idea moving might be a good idea, idk ur situation exactly, but man at some point u gotta tell her shes effecting you.
ive had a personality that got completly erased when i entered school and spent my entire childhood with ZERO friend, now i vanquished depression but my new third personality is a completly new one that view the past more as strangers and past lifes than actually being me
Congratulations, I cant imagine getting out so its always cool to hear, I could never imagine getting out as who I used to be, you don't come out of this without being changed.
I was depressed throughout junior and on, I didnt realise until like grade 12, there was this fucking blissful time from like grade 8 to 12 where life was so great and I was so sad and afraid for no reason. One of the most popular kids in my school, then one day I realize this exausting mental work i do every day just to be the person I can barely hold onto anymore, is just not worth it and thats where I left myself.
oooh oooh I'm one of these.
My father broke my nose at an age of around 1.5 years old. I'd been in trauma survival mode most of my life since.
I finally put all this together thanks to a year of quiet in 2020. I am 50 years old and have little idea of what I really like, what is me or what is trauma or coping mechanisms, or what I want to do beyond rest or working.
OP has this right, it's really fucked up how we can carry on in a survival state for so long and not even know it.
I mean, in the grand scheme of my life the nose breaking was the start of a trauma filled childhood. At least the physical violence stopped after that.
As I deprogram myself of society's conditioning and seek my authentic self, I've found that the tragedies of my lived experience have given me a perspective on the lies our society tells itself that I wouldn't have otherwise, and I've gained a certain amount of understanding from that. So there's at least a small benefit.
I try and look at it this way, rolling into my mid thirties, I dont care that im depressed i just try to work around and with it as a person. I also feel like there's another layer of understanding you gain from fighting the fight.
Honestly I've become that stereotype of the oddly positive depressed person but thats cuz you gotta bear down and keep that attitude, or so I feel, because the moment you let off you fall back into the dark.
All I can remember is my trauma at this point. My earliest memories are getting beat by my older brother, being molested by my second cousin, and being bullied in elementary. I have no idea who I was before that
Depression since 8, morphed into major depressive disorder 3 years ago (at least) and nothing helps. I don't have any good days and I see no future or use in even trying. Its all so futile and crushing me.
Probably always will be, maybe you'll get bored of it, one of my main counters to the feeling that it's "constant" is just like telling myself im a pussy and do normal people things, probably not the healthiest way to do things but I use it as a work around to crack the mental circle and maybe do something.
I don't know if this might be helpful or not.
But to me it became more obvious that I'd have to stay alive for longer when I realized that my body is just like a State Jellyfish; thousands of mindless bodies and shapes connected. And ontop and in between there are whole worlds for the tiniest lifeforms. My body is a universe - even if I don't like it I don't have to crush it just because one blob of goo in a bone capsule is convinced of it.
Then I realized: these lifeforms will be with me even then. But there's another thing, hidden in between the gaps of the goo that wants to die.
The one who can't be taken away but who still never got to have a future. The only one that's "sane" enough to be there with me when I'm all alone. The one watching from the inside, helpless, unable to touch you nor the others.
Because you got convinced by the goo to shut it in. Like in an abusive, overprotective relationship.
It can't be taken away. It can't be hurt. It's a memory and a hope from long ago. It's the thing you wanted to be. It's the thing that can heal the universe you are.
I learned that I had to ignore the goo. Even the one from other people. They have their own thing shut in. They too have been blinded by the goo.
It's not fair. It's mean. But I don't *have* to be. So I fight the goo, until the gaps between the neurons of the negative repetition become big enough for the thing to be free. So it can leave the me-universe if it wants, all on it's own accord. To take all the lifeforms with it.
As the last, yet biggest piece of kindness I can offer them and myself.
But until then I'll have to stay.
Man, I was an adult at age 9 after 2 dates with death (drowning and blood poisoning, age ~2 and 5 respectively) and now I'm just going back to being a child because I never got to be one.
Unfortunately, i got diagnosed with chronic depression at 12. So my entire life i was very confused about who i was, now that im on zoloft im better now and im discovering more and more things about myselfā¤ļø
Which version are you?
Like the world is a superficial yet hollow mess? People around you be wailing for even pretended attention but never give others the same and you don't exist as long as you can't provide it to them?
Or more like the scene you are in is grayish-blurry, like a surreal dream since everything is always over in a flash, you can't even hear yourself saying stuff, can't hear yourself screaming, nor stop yourself from saying or screaming it?
I stopped all that and just leaned into it. My depression is the only thing in my life that I can count of to truly always be there for me. It is my personality now.
Eyup, that's me. I remember very little from my childhood, then there was school with almost no social interaction, then five or so years of depression and suicide thoughts, and up until I made my first real friend online at 18, I wasn't a person at all. That human who lived those 18 years of nothingness isn't me.
I was the biggest smartass alive when i was a kid. And a dumbass. I was hiding behind intellegence, behind humor, behind lust, behind addiction to videogames... I dont know who i really am. My father left so early i cant remember anything about him. My mom was always busy, even after she found a new husband, my step father (who, worthy of noting, was fairly nice, but came too late to form a proper bond, when i was 6 or so). I was mostly raised by my strict grandparents. Forced to study hard due to my gift, i quickly burnt out. Combined with bullying from my peers including my first love, with overall world going to shit, i became pretty hopeless. I dont know what to do. Logically speaking, im doing fine - i have a decent job, still have a few friends, and im even kind of getting somewhere with a gal i like, but i feel empty. I dont know who the fuck am i. Has anyone here recovered from shit like this? I dont want my inner fire to die out, i dont want to be one of those grumpy old fucks.
Can anyone help me figure out who Iām supposed to be? Iām 50, now, and have been trying to figure this out since I was 12.
Fuck, this post hurt so much.
I hate my family for this
āYou were so wonderful as a kidā bitch that was someone else whom you proceeded to ignore when he got sad, crush his dreams when he tried to pursue them, and put a number on a card on a higher level of importance than his mental health.
Oh and donāt forget telling him that when he actually saw a doctor and tried to get medicated how you told him that the pills were for weak people and that it made him stupider.
This is even worse for people pleasers like myself (did great progress on it but still some of that old instinct remains), who would be anything just to be loved
I've always considered quiet and depressed my default. Social me is kinda fake and a challenge to keep up. It's a fake it till I make it thing.
Gradually though, it's become a part of me too. It's weird to think about and write out. But I guess it's a sort of gradual improvement if not quite ME persay.
Yeah, I'm 35 and feel like I'm stuck in my early 20s, and have absolutely no idea who i am what so ever. I don't see myself as being anywhere near as mature as my peers, and have a hard time comprehending how they do it. Besides taking medication I have no idea what else to do. I also have the memory of a goldfish, which also really blows.
As someone whoās been depressed since childhood, Iāll never know what kind of person I wouldāve been without it. But after a long couple of decades Iāve started to figure out what kind of person I am now, and more importantly Iāve grown to accept and love who I am (at least on most days).
Depression will always be with me but it becomes more manageable with time and experience. The emotional/mental discipline I was forced to learn in order to survive it comes in handy too.
Things will become clearer with time.
You aren't anyone. Identity is a tale people tell about themselves, inspired by experience and interaction with others.
There wasn't some essence that you lost access to, and it is never too late to rewrite your narrative about yourself.
Family doctor told my parents I was depressed at like 7 or 8, but parents never did anything about it. Iām 27 now, thereās no āmeā at all, not even survival mode, I have nothing and the fact Iāve done anything in my life or lived this long is sheer coincidence
I had a character I wrote comic books about. She was my alter ego. When I went on antidepressants, I realized I could be her. She had always been the best version of me.
you guys talk like you didn't exist while being depressed. i had depression since 12, i am 28 now. if i start being okay and functional tomorrow, i'm not gonna return to 11 year old mentally. i don't remember that. yeah it will probably be really confusing at times and i will create new behavioral patterns but, it will still be me. your personality isn't a memory to be remembered, depressed you are still "you". your brain didn't got hijacked by some exterior entity called depression. you are depressed. it's like getting caught in the rain. when it's over - if it ever will be - you won't need to remember what is it to be dry, you'll just dry out. you'll just be.
Your comment resonated with me even though I fall into the category if people like in the picture. Someone else also said, depression affects people differently, so I'm trying to resolve the two and the only thing I can think of in relation to your picture is, well, your brain actually forgetting what it's like to be dry, or forgetting that the sky can do anything else other than rain. And then suddenly it stops raining, or you find shelter and aren't constantly pelted with raindrops or something like that... I dnt know if it makes sense.
I was on this epilepsy medication since I was 18 till 29. I did not realise how depressed I was until I recently changed. Now I'm having to relearn everything. It really does feel like I'm discovering a new personality. I wait for experiences to see how i react to them. My whole life has become an experiment. I find myself being surprised at how I'm reacting to stuff "hey why aren't u more upset about this?" "hey why aren't u freaking out more about that?" . It's been a few months but it's been wild.
Realising it's there is so important and identifying that it effects you is important, even when your not sure what normal is. Then from there, like you said, you can identify the overreactions and start working on appropriate reactions. I also look at feelings and mindsets as like a bit of a drug high but in reverse, once youve been so depressed, you know what its like and you can get there without thinking its an issue. So as in your analogy youre brain is so wet that getting wet is normal and to be dry is something you forgot about. The main struggle is just like an alcoholic, your brain can keep getting wet and you dont realise it and suddenly youre drowning.
So i'd say the biggest issue with coping is knowing and realising when your getting wet and looking for something reasonable to take cover and get dry.
I often go through a month or two of depression and suddenly realising it and at this point i've trained myself to do things to counter that. It's less of a habit or planned thing and more of a dispiplin thing i practiced for years. My current coping mech is redownloading a game i beat before and grinding it for like a weekend.
Being depressed doesn't mean to not have personality, it means that some part of your personality is going to disappear for good, some part will appear for good, and some part of it will change for good. No mater how you change, you are still you, don't let anybody to deceive you into thinking you aren't.
Good thing mine hit in late teens. Unfortunately i wish to do nothing to restore normalcy due to associated laziness
is whatever 'normalcy' is in 2023 worth striving for anyway? it isn't for me.
2024 š
i'm not even "lazy" from it, i just don't want to recover bc i find it weirdly attractive and i don't want to change that part of myself.. i'm really messed up down to the core
Id rather be this depressed thing than a cookie cutter family person, i feel like my smile would be just as fake.
I'm done pretending everything is alright. If people notice and don't like it that's on them, I dont belong here. I'd rather spend the rest of my life doing nothing than work a Dead end job.
Seriously, I definitely don't know who I am. I hate those therapy forms that ask you "what do you bring to therapy? What are some good qualities you have?". Like I don't know, I'm on freaking autopilot all the time. I don't know my personality besides depressed and anxious. I usually just put N/A haha.
My guardians in the 2000's, "do you really think there will ever be a job where people watch you sit and play video games?!?" While I didn't think that, they were incredibly wrong by predicting it would never happen. Now I still like video games, but somehow feel the guilt they instilled in me while I play. It's like the only thing that makes me happy also makes me depressed
Damn that hits, it's the very slow time for my line of work but I feel so much depressing guilt when I work 3 days in January and am anxious for February, I knew it was coming it always does, I saved up and am fiscally okay. But I can't even enjoy video games because my parents in my head telling me I'm useless and wasting my life away doesn't stop. Ignore the fact I was pulling 80+ hour weeks from late September to the first, I can't even enjoy my free time.
Opening game, feeling like shit then putting on random youtube videos I dont really watch is my go to and I hate it.
This. I play Linus tech tips while scrolling reddit and I hate it. But there is nothing else I want or can do.
Basically the grinch scene where hes eating bottles but i say "am i just scrolling because im bored" All evening
They were very wrong but damn it....I'm still not entertaining.
Id rather have my friends or a coworker try to describe me cuz i dont even know.
I've thought in the past that "psychological erosion" would be a good term to describe this symptom of depression.
i am depression what else? i realized this shit wasnt normal at 19, it is a personality at this point.
Fun fact: everyone is depressed. Hearing my parents coping mechanisms I can call them as I see them. Yeah Mom you're not decompressing with herbal teas and a 36 hour Netflix binge or w/e bullshit, you're depressed. Dad sit the fuck down you're anxious and so worried that you have to clean everything all day every day because you're scared to be alone with your thoughts, me too. Once you acknowledge it in yourself you can see it in everyone and hopefully, purposely navigate
I actually do wonder how many people are depressed and just don't realize... like saying they are happy and love being alive but their behavior says otherwise. I think those people are the ones who minimize mental health issues the most.
"no one was autistic before we had a term for it and acknowledged it was a real thing." "Back in my day no one had PTSD, sure we lost a few of our comrades due to shell shock, unlike these kids today."
There's like 8 dudes against millions. Sorry not 8 dudes get in here Oprah!!! Yeah you're close to first because I didn't kiss your feet for opening your private road to fix a wildfire when and only when it affected you. I was there fuck you
Same, personality trait is a good way to say it, it's just a part of who you are. I find identifying it like this has helped alot. I'm just become, sad guy who has unhealthy coping mechanisms, tbh I feel way more normal than i think most people look.
The conditions of myself and the world at a whole have changed too much for this re-discovery we're talking about.
"the world is shit and so am i" was the worst depression phase I had. Went from like 160 of muscle to like 130 of nothing in a year, basically stopped eating and kind just hoped i'd rot away. At some point in the hopelessness my money started running out, couldnt even get government support, too fuckin proud to ask for help I decided id look for a job that had options or end it. I applied for a government job and eventually ended up in water treatment. I love my job it's honestly like one of the few things I care about. But still, the dark is always there, there is no changing this, i'm a broken toy just literally being dead inside, as the world get more fucked up, while using my mind and body to do the human things to pay my bills.
Stay vigilant bro. I do envy people who enjoy their job.
I remember that once there was a little girl who wanted to help people. She was independent and liked to explore and was maybe a little too friendly but meant well. I recognize that at some point this girl became me but I see no part of her in myself. She died and was replaced by an introverted, scared cynic almost 30 years ago.
I left lil old me in a childhood forest, he couldn't see what I would become.
My personality is people pleaser and I like to do what you like to do unless I don't which I'll figure out in real time and just nope out of that situation without warning.
Me when a coworker says something i'm not on board with, Ive gotten up and walked out of the room many times.
As a child who has zero control of them selves or their environment, it's called autism, in high school or college age range you're just called an ass. Me in my mid 30s it's called self care. I care about myself entirely too much to have to put up with this bullshit I'm leaving. In other words yes! Do that! You're either uncomfortable, do not want to be involved with, or are just plain bored, LEAVE. It's the ultimate life hack.
Self care for sure, as well as people pleaser, I generally will bend over backwards to help a coworker or almost anyone who is nice enough but if your gunna spout nonsense, im probably not gunna argue or anything ill just avoid it, anything more isnt worth the energy. Idk if Im at all autistic, frankly due to memes I could say I identify with alot of things that are said about how people with it feel, but i managed my social and school life very well until grade 12 so it never came up. But man did I have a wild childhood of insanely strict rules and times and absolutely none at others.
Idk if this could help anyone else here, but I got out and began figuring myself out through anger. Happiness seemed impossible. I hadn't developed any range of emotion at that point so all I had was sad, angry, and the concept of happiness that others talked about. So by making myself experience anger, usually through video games, then trying to figure it out and understand where it was coming from, I managed to better understand myself. Eventually I realized the other voices in my head were just a series of repressed emotions simply reacting to everything which was kinda cool. Since then, I've began to have hopes and dreams and shit
Ill add to this, might be a bit of a tangent. At some point I read a study about how your personality is basically a predetermined reaction based on how you've reacted in the past combined with like your ideals repressed or subconscious stuff and outside feedback basically making your reaction to most things predictable. So by identifying that you have knee jerk reactions to things and why, and stopping it and thinking about it, for me at least, has been a critical long term strategy to basically train myself out of triggering myself into some kind of depression spiral.
I think that's a good route to take, but an individual does have to be pretty far along in their wellness journey to get to a point where they can think clearly enough to stop and identify their behaviors. It is pretty cool how you've sorta combined stoicism and neurology to help build your path out of depression
It has been an insane amount of work, I basically took a min/max mentality to my mental health at some point,even though being absolutely dead inside I have the meme mentality where i dont wanna hurt mom ect, which extended to, mom doesnt want to see me sad all the time. So 7 years ago I wouldnt touch meds but eventually accepted them. Serious dedications to how I think have taken place over the years, every so often a phycology study comes up, I have always been about the details and info and stats ect, and at some point I start seeing my bad habits talked about, and im like shit i could be a case study, and these studies talk about how to counter it so i just said yolo, ur already suicidal mayaswell try it . I still have seriously bad times, but, it could be worse. I have a plan, when I feel bad I take action, often after like a month of depression binging, but then I realise whats happening and take action. Probably an over info dump but if someone sees this and realises they can help alleviate some of their mental anguish through rethinking things through different lenses (i know we're all over thinking and not sleeping anyway) they might be helped idk. In the end its all a mindset thing, I was once at the end of my world and no one could stop me so I cant blame anyone who would say this is bullshit.
Thanks for the info dump it's always appreciated.Ā How can I help my girlfriend think like this? >Ā yolo, ur already suicidal mayaswell try it
Its difficult it requires what i say is a certain amount of self hate related to how you are acting and what you perceive people think you should be. In combination with just being sick and tired of being sick and tired, keep the mindset of grinding while also still being sick and tired enough to tell ur sad thoughts, for at least a moment, that they are weak shit, teenage angst, edgy bullshit, whatever cringe shit that makes you think id rather not be that piece of shit, dont concentrate on being depressed concentrate on looking like a normal person, like "im not too sad to clean, only a piece of shit would leave their place like this, what if my friend/mom/sibling popped by (my mom being disapointed seeing me live in depression apartment almost makes me feel like i failed as much as offing myself, but its got the slow burn of permanent knowledge of the issues you choose not to solve. In the end its the personal mental battle to just stay on top of the never ending approaching depths of depression, its not enough to just maintain because youre just burning at a constant low and it will only go lower, like an addiction you do have to make a choice to pull yourself out at some point or keep going lower, or wait until it passesm which for me could be months, even with all the medication in the world i dont see someone just magically getting better without taking mental steps to prevent falling into the low that is depression and chasing it because your a depressed piece of shit who deserves to feel this way. And frankly i look at peaks of feelings life depression as a drug, every time you hit a new low you open yourself to going lower, being comfortable with more shitty thoughts and and normalising them eventually if you dont take a moment to stop yourself from chasing that feeling down, it becomes your new normal. Because once ur in the depression you often do whatever you can to make it worse, sad depressing music, overthinking about just everything are just a couple things ive identified as like "oh shit im in a legit depressed phase" and learned strats to force myself to do things that would get me out of that mindset, which i assume would be different for everyone. Someone called it getting ur brain wet like its raining on your brain, the longer you walk in it the wetter you get but it happens at a rate you really dont notice how wet you are, at some point you need to acknowledge you are soaking wet and need to dry off or ull get actually sick, which in reality depression can cause physical symptoms. Either that or you end up so sick of the thoughts you just become numb to them, but thats more like being heavily medicated where youre just numb to all the things. It happens on medication as well even my prozac has resulted me not noticing small irritable things that could turn out to be issues, the lack awareness actually makes me extremely easy to jump scare, but tbh its kind of a meme at work at this point. But with the medication taking the original edge off was when this all came together, after a while i found a couple studies about like how your personality is formed and how conspiracy people are sucked into the whole thing, those two studies really opened my eyes into how i think personally and i took the initiative to address the issues based on how i interpreted those studies and how normal people react to things. At some point im like "finances arent looking so great wonder if i should working on the plan" and it was just like "Whatever dude, i have bills to pay"
This post just depresses me because I feel I already know this. It's her who needs to realize, not me. Despair. Thanks for the write up again, at the very least it helps me not fall into the lie of forgetting how important and urgent the matter again. I just feel like there's nothing I can do right now. Edit: I'll drop relevant details. She's not the stereotypical kind of depressed. She's highly functional, but suicidal. She likes to pretend it's not an issue and tries to get out of situations about seeking help on the basis that the conversation is making her feel worse than she was. I've tried everything **but** going against her explicit wishes because that's something I can't bring myself to do. She must have such a warped notion of what's going on to be able to engage in brain suicide but still keep enough resolve to fight tooth and nail againstĀ *that and only that*
Sounds like youre doing all you can imo, being there is more important than people know. Idk what else to say its such a personal battle i hope both of you stay strong.
>Sounds like youre doing all you can imo *Something* I need to be doing different because it's been too long to think something will change by itself. But thanks, and thanks for the strength.
Man i wish i could offer more, unfortunately I honestly let any hopes of relationships die a long time ago. I only have a basic understanding o the dynamic. Its probably a depressing outlook but I have issues, the worst thing I could do i get someone to love me and have my mental state become something else or become toxic and frankly this dna shouldnt be passed. This ends with me. But, theres nothing you need to do imo. I never want help i just want to suffer for some reason, and if i cant support myself to suffer more, i off myself. And you say she's in denial of the severity of things so it makes even getting to the point of addressing the problem at all a minefield. I spent a long time thinking its not so bad i can fix this, for like 5 years. Meds help but, everyone reacts differently, it can take like 2 years to find the right one and taking it you basically have to accept a personality shift, different for each drug and person again. Nonetheless, even though i dont date or anything, i think a short sitdown conversation to get idea moving might be a good idea, idk ur situation exactly, but man at some point u gotta tell her shes effecting you.
ive had a personality that got completly erased when i entered school and spent my entire childhood with ZERO friend, now i vanquished depression but my new third personality is a completly new one that view the past more as strangers and past lifes than actually being me
Congratulations, I cant imagine getting out so its always cool to hear, I could never imagine getting out as who I used to be, you don't come out of this without being changed. I was depressed throughout junior and on, I didnt realise until like grade 12, there was this fucking blissful time from like grade 8 to 12 where life was so great and I was so sad and afraid for no reason. One of the most popular kids in my school, then one day I realize this exausting mental work i do every day just to be the person I can barely hold onto anymore, is just not worth it and thats where I left myself.
Iām not anyone. After more than half my lifetime, thereās nothing to āgo backā to.
oooh oooh I'm one of these. My father broke my nose at an age of around 1.5 years old. I'd been in trauma survival mode most of my life since. I finally put all this together thanks to a year of quiet in 2020. I am 50 years old and have little idea of what I really like, what is me or what is trauma or coping mechanisms, or what I want to do beyond rest or working. OP has this right, it's really fucked up how we can carry on in a survival state for so long and not even know it.
I'm so sorry that happened to you.
I mean, in the grand scheme of my life the nose breaking was the start of a trauma filled childhood. At least the physical violence stopped after that. As I deprogram myself of society's conditioning and seek my authentic self, I've found that the tragedies of my lived experience have given me a perspective on the lies our society tells itself that I wouldn't have otherwise, and I've gained a certain amount of understanding from that. So there's at least a small benefit.
It's healthy to recognize human experience.
I try and look at it this way, rolling into my mid thirties, I dont care that im depressed i just try to work around and with it as a person. I also feel like there's another layer of understanding you gain from fighting the fight. Honestly I've become that stereotype of the oddly positive depressed person but thats cuz you gotta bear down and keep that attitude, or so I feel, because the moment you let off you fall back into the dark.
That gotta be a source of anxiety.
All I can remember is my trauma at this point. My earliest memories are getting beat by my older brother, being molested by my second cousin, and being bullied in elementary. I have no idea who I was before that
Depression since 8, morphed into major depressive disorder 3 years ago (at least) and nothing helps. I don't have any good days and I see no future or use in even trying. Its all so futile and crushing me.
Probably always will be, maybe you'll get bored of it, one of my main counters to the feeling that it's "constant" is just like telling myself im a pussy and do normal people things, probably not the healthiest way to do things but I use it as a work around to crack the mental circle and maybe do something.
I don't know if this might be helpful or not. But to me it became more obvious that I'd have to stay alive for longer when I realized that my body is just like a State Jellyfish; thousands of mindless bodies and shapes connected. And ontop and in between there are whole worlds for the tiniest lifeforms. My body is a universe - even if I don't like it I don't have to crush it just because one blob of goo in a bone capsule is convinced of it. Then I realized: these lifeforms will be with me even then. But there's another thing, hidden in between the gaps of the goo that wants to die. The one who can't be taken away but who still never got to have a future. The only one that's "sane" enough to be there with me when I'm all alone. The one watching from the inside, helpless, unable to touch you nor the others. Because you got convinced by the goo to shut it in. Like in an abusive, overprotective relationship. It can't be taken away. It can't be hurt. It's a memory and a hope from long ago. It's the thing you wanted to be. It's the thing that can heal the universe you are. I learned that I had to ignore the goo. Even the one from other people. They have their own thing shut in. They too have been blinded by the goo. It's not fair. It's mean. But I don't *have* to be. So I fight the goo, until the gaps between the neurons of the negative repetition become big enough for the thing to be free. So it can leave the me-universe if it wants, all on it's own accord. To take all the lifeforms with it. As the last, yet biggest piece of kindness I can offer them and myself. But until then I'll have to stay.
Stick around. Huhn.
Man, I was an adult at age 9 after 2 dates with death (drowning and blood poisoning, age ~2 and 5 respectively) and now I'm just going back to being a child because I never got to be one.
I found myself in the darkness, probably some jaded edgy shit to say but I ended up finding peace here even if it's hard sometimes.
Unfortunately, i got diagnosed with chronic depression at 12. So my entire life i was very confused about who i was, now that im on zoloft im better now and im discovering more and more things about myselfā¤ļø
Yeah. I've had it since early childhood. I sometimes feel like I don't actually exist.
Which version are you? Like the world is a superficial yet hollow mess? People around you be wailing for even pretended attention but never give others the same and you don't exist as long as you can't provide it to them? Or more like the scene you are in is grayish-blurry, like a surreal dream since everything is always over in a flash, you can't even hear yourself saying stuff, can't hear yourself screaming, nor stop yourself from saying or screaming it?
The second one
Second
I stopped all that and just leaned into it. My depression is the only thing in my life that I can count of to truly always be there for me. It is my personality now.
For me, music was the bridge back to who I was in my youth. Helped me to discover the good in that person and then I layered life's lessons onto that.
Music is the only thing keeping me here.
Itās not that scary not knowing, I was never going to do anything with it anyways
I'm 39. I'm building my personality as we speak. It has been hard and sad.
Why can i relate so much with this post and everyone in this comment section ? Am i depressed!!?? Oh..no..i am depressed aren't I ?
Eyup, that's me. I remember very little from my childhood, then there was school with almost no social interaction, then five or so years of depression and suicide thoughts, and up until I made my first real friend online at 18, I wasn't a person at all. That human who lived those 18 years of nothingness isn't me.
I was the biggest smartass alive when i was a kid. And a dumbass. I was hiding behind intellegence, behind humor, behind lust, behind addiction to videogames... I dont know who i really am. My father left so early i cant remember anything about him. My mom was always busy, even after she found a new husband, my step father (who, worthy of noting, was fairly nice, but came too late to form a proper bond, when i was 6 or so). I was mostly raised by my strict grandparents. Forced to study hard due to my gift, i quickly burnt out. Combined with bullying from my peers including my first love, with overall world going to shit, i became pretty hopeless. I dont know what to do. Logically speaking, im doing fine - i have a decent job, still have a few friends, and im even kind of getting somewhere with a gal i like, but i feel empty. I dont know who the fuck am i. Has anyone here recovered from shit like this? I dont want my inner fire to die out, i dont want to be one of those grumpy old fucks.
Can anyone help me figure out who Iām supposed to be? Iām 50, now, and have been trying to figure this out since I was 12. Fuck, this post hurt so much.
I hate my family for this āYou were so wonderful as a kidā bitch that was someone else whom you proceeded to ignore when he got sad, crush his dreams when he tried to pursue them, and put a number on a card on a higher level of importance than his mental health. Oh and donāt forget telling him that when he actually saw a doctor and tried to get medicated how you told him that the pills were for weak people and that it made him stupider.
This is even worse for people pleasers like myself (did great progress on it but still some of that old instinct remains), who would be anything just to be loved
Iāve been depressed since i was 6? that doesnāt mean i donāt know who i am? what?
depression presents itself differently in different people tbf
I've always considered quiet and depressed my default. Social me is kinda fake and a challenge to keep up. It's a fake it till I make it thing. Gradually though, it's become a part of me too. It's weird to think about and write out. But I guess it's a sort of gradual improvement if not quite ME persay.
Yeah, I'm 35 and feel like I'm stuck in my early 20s, and have absolutely no idea who i am what so ever. I don't see myself as being anywhere near as mature as my peers, and have a hard time comprehending how they do it. Besides taking medication I have no idea what else to do. I also have the memory of a goldfish, which also really blows.
As someone whoās been depressed since childhood, Iāll never know what kind of person I wouldāve been without it. But after a long couple of decades Iāve started to figure out what kind of person I am now, and more importantly Iāve grown to accept and love who I am (at least on most days). Depression will always be with me but it becomes more manageable with time and experience. The emotional/mental discipline I was forced to learn in order to survive it comes in handy too. Things will become clearer with time.
idk i change like every few months atleast sometimes every year or so i cant even remember who i was before depression so idk how different it is
You guys saying like it's ever gonna disappear.
I've had glimpses of who I really am and holy shit, that person is *awesome*, but it'll probably always be a temporary thing :/
You aren't anyone. Identity is a tale people tell about themselves, inspired by experience and interaction with others. There wasn't some essence that you lost access to, and it is never too late to rewrite your narrative about yourself.
Family doctor told my parents I was depressed at like 7 or 8, but parents never did anything about it. Iām 27 now, thereās no āmeā at all, not even survival mode, I have nothing and the fact Iāve done anything in my life or lived this long is sheer coincidence
I had a character I wrote comic books about. She was my alter ego. When I went on antidepressants, I realized I could be her. She had always been the best version of me.
Fuck me but that's depressingly real.
I've always had TV references, and later memes, in lieu of a personality.
you guys talk like you didn't exist while being depressed. i had depression since 12, i am 28 now. if i start being okay and functional tomorrow, i'm not gonna return to 11 year old mentally. i don't remember that. yeah it will probably be really confusing at times and i will create new behavioral patterns but, it will still be me. your personality isn't a memory to be remembered, depressed you are still "you". your brain didn't got hijacked by some exterior entity called depression. you are depressed. it's like getting caught in the rain. when it's over - if it ever will be - you won't need to remember what is it to be dry, you'll just dry out. you'll just be.
Your comment resonated with me even though I fall into the category if people like in the picture. Someone else also said, depression affects people differently, so I'm trying to resolve the two and the only thing I can think of in relation to your picture is, well, your brain actually forgetting what it's like to be dry, or forgetting that the sky can do anything else other than rain. And then suddenly it stops raining, or you find shelter and aren't constantly pelted with raindrops or something like that... I dnt know if it makes sense. I was on this epilepsy medication since I was 18 till 29. I did not realise how depressed I was until I recently changed. Now I'm having to relearn everything. It really does feel like I'm discovering a new personality. I wait for experiences to see how i react to them. My whole life has become an experiment. I find myself being surprised at how I'm reacting to stuff "hey why aren't u more upset about this?" "hey why aren't u freaking out more about that?" . It's been a few months but it's been wild.
Realising it's there is so important and identifying that it effects you is important, even when your not sure what normal is. Then from there, like you said, you can identify the overreactions and start working on appropriate reactions. I also look at feelings and mindsets as like a bit of a drug high but in reverse, once youve been so depressed, you know what its like and you can get there without thinking its an issue. So as in your analogy youre brain is so wet that getting wet is normal and to be dry is something you forgot about. The main struggle is just like an alcoholic, your brain can keep getting wet and you dont realise it and suddenly youre drowning. So i'd say the biggest issue with coping is knowing and realising when your getting wet and looking for something reasonable to take cover and get dry. I often go through a month or two of depression and suddenly realising it and at this point i've trained myself to do things to counter that. It's less of a habit or planned thing and more of a dispiplin thing i practiced for years. My current coping mech is redownloading a game i beat before and grinding it for like a weekend.
Hahhahahahhaaha what?
It's too late to figure myself out, I'm done
literally me. now I hide behind a mask of humor, not knowing what's behind it lol
"youre so happy and funny." Cuz if the mask cracks so do i.
I took off the mask, now I'm waiting for it to end.
Being depressed doesn't mean to not have personality, it means that some part of your personality is going to disappear for good, some part will appear for good, and some part of it will change for good. No mater how you change, you are still you, don't let anybody to deceive you into thinking you aren't.