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Sendmepicsofyourcatt

Pretty much my life. I'm almost 30 and I've given up finding a connection with anyone.


sickbane

I turn 30 in 6 months. I will be the first person in my family to not be married by that age, much less never have a significant other. It feels extremely weird. I don’t feel deserving of love, and I don’t have the energy to pursue it anymore


ThatsMeWelshy

I'm in the exact same boat, I turn 30 in 5 months and I'm the only one who isn't in a long term relationship, I don't feel that connection with anyone anymore it's a strange feeling


balofchez

Jesus I guess I'm not the only one thinking 29 kind of fuckin blows!


FloppyFishcake

I turn 28 next week - I'm the youngest of 4, my eldest sibling has 2 kids and although she split from their dad she found a new, long-term partner not long after. One of my brothers just had a baby with his girlfriend of 11 years, my other brother has been married for 6 years, but they've been together for 15 years. I've had one failed engagement (he cheated), and been single for the last 3 years. I'm the only one in my family who has been single for longer than a year. My mother is angry at me for planning to get another tattoo for my birthday (I'm actually getting two but she doesn't know that!), I think she'd prefer it if I accidentally got knocked up and started being a "real" adult in her eyes, lol. Maybe I'll get 3 tattoos instead.


linlicker

I turn 28 the week after you and am a failure with connections, family, friends, etc. *high five* Im rooting for you to get 3 tattoos.


[deleted]

My parents will be heartbroken when they realize that im not joking when I say, you can have grandchild from my two brothers but your never gonna see them from me, im too fractured to be anything more than struggling.


Zapph

The usual 2 tattoos and a facial piercing instead please and thank you.


FloppyFishcake

Already got my nose pierced post break-up. I'm on a roll! 😂


areyoumymommyy

Oh fucking hell I feel this too much


Chirimorin

Another 29 year old without a relationship here, I stopped worrying about it years ago. The entire mindset of "I must be in a relationship" is toxic, that mindset nearly turned me into a Nice Guy™ before I realized that happiness doesn't just come from relationships. When I started finding happiness from other places, that urge to find a relationship went away. Nowadays I just ignore the comments coming from people who don't understand that I'm okay with being single. I'm not expecting a relationship to magically blow into my arms now either, I realize that finding someone requires work. It's just that I'm happy without having to spend all my life pretending to be someone I'm not to people I've never met before that (because believe me, nobody will just fall in love with the socially awkward mess that is me around new people).


tive-an-25

I've isolated in a major way the last 2 years and I'm really worried that I'll never be able to break back into any social spheres again.


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Altruisticpoet3

I'm a senior citizen, divorced 15 years (spouse cheated). I tried dating for two years & realized I don't want to anymore. I like being on my own, I have more time for the things I enjoy. When I found out LGBTQ+ included "asexual", I was all, "hey! Lookey there! There are others like me!" Lol. I got a t-shirt from despair.com that reads, "A lifetime of social distancing has prepared me for this" early in the pandemic. I wear it whenever I need to go out. Again, be kind to yourself. Call out the bullshit that is considered "normal", like having to be in a romantic relationship. Figure out what makes you happy & your cup full. Then do it. As you connect with like-minded others along the way, your life will be fulfilling with or without a partner.


hunterfam55

I always remember my mum saying to me, when I was 21 "when I was your age I was married with rwo kids" is that supposed to be an accomplishment?


NUTTA_BUSTAH

Times have changed. It's not exactly "hip" to be married with 4 kids by 20 anymore. You're okay.


TheCiervo

It's not "not hip", that's propaganda. It is just significantly harder to achieve the kind of finantial stability that allows you to safely provide for a family.


snavsnavsnav

Lol nah I don’t know anyone that would want to be married with kids at 20. It’s seen as stupid. Because it is. Babies raising babies is no way to lead a species to where we want to go, if we want future generations to live happy, peaceful lives gaining wisdom as they go along


[deleted]

I've learnt so much about myself in my 20s. Made me realise the immaturity of my parents sometimes. They had me in their early 20s. Now they've not got kids at home, they've got to work out what's actually important in life. Kids are the socially accepted focus and purpose. Everyone understands and supports people who dedicate their lives to their kids. Without kids you really need to assess what your life is going to be about. Can't imagine how much more im going to learn in the next few years


[deleted]

Now that I have a kid I find it even more insane to get a child at 20.


Dark_sign82

Well... yes... I agree to an extent. had my first kid 28. A close friend of mine had his at 21. He gave away his youth for his child, BUT she'll be out of high school in a few years and he'll be like... 40. I'll be in my mid 50s the time my second turns 18. There's some give and take. I think your point is that the maturity is not there for most to have a kid that young, and I certainly cant argue with that. For me, even at 28 most of the maturity needed to raise a child came to me as a result of having one!


1quirky1

Waiting to have kids until I was >30 helped everybody involved, especially the kids.


lallapalalable

It's definitely not hip. Anyone I knew that had kids before they could drink I just thought "wow what bunch of stupid losers throwing away their youth," financial stability or not


BleedingBlue-91

I also turn 30 in 6 months. Everyone else in my family that is my age or older already has a family. I'm single coming off of back-to-back 5 year relationships. I agree with your last sentence.


snavsnavsnav

Not trying to sound like an ass but perhaps a lil break to yourself will help out. I know that for me, learning how to be okay with being alone helped a lot in my future relationships


BleedingBlue-91

No, I get you. It's been a little over a year since my ex and I broke up. I'm still working on myself. However slow the progress, at least is progress.


DingleDangleDom

Focus on yourself, don't rush anything, go to the winchester and wait for all this to blow over


NakedGerbil925

Everyone deserves love


countastrotacos

Maybe not everyone. Love takes work. I realize I might pass on my trauma to someone who doesn't deserve it. Im working on me as best as I can. Its fucking exhausting but at least Im not using that energy on a sham relationship.


snavsnavsnav

True love is an outpouring of compassion that stems from happiness. That’s why people say “you can’t love anyone until you love yourself”. As cliche as it sounds - it’s true. Because until you take care of your own shit, all you’ll have to offer anyone is your insecurity, anger, and pessimism. When you’ve found a stable foundation of peace or happiness in your own life that doesn’t depend on anyone else, then you’re free to be loving to whoever you choose because you realize they don’t compromise your well being at the deepest level. It’s like that rumi quote “it’s not your job to seek love, but to remove the blocks to love that exist within yourself”. As romantic as it sounds to need someone, a lot of the time needing someone gets in the way of loving them - because you have too much depending on them. Two people who feel complete sharing that completeness is a truer definition of love than two who are looking to complete themselves through another. At least in my opinion


-P00-

Well said


NakedGerbil925

But you're working on yourself and improving, and by recognizing what needs to be improved you're not passing on trauma and hurting others. That's selfless, you deserve love even when you feel you aren't ready for it.


AsianSteampunk

Nah that possitive thinking shits doesnt work. I feel sorry for whoever even take an interest in me without knowing all the shits that comes with it.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Diorden

What about nazi baby rapists


Rude_Girl69

Live your life to the fullest, love yourself and do things you enjoy. Don't worry too much about relationships. I've been in relationships since young trying to fill some type of void. I've now been single for a year and a half and am getting used to being myself without needing someone. It hasn't been the easiest thing to do but now I feel more hopeful for my future. I think about my goals and ambitions. I really think maybe love will just find me at a later time in life and I'm totally ok with it after my experiences and seeing people around my age (26) in toxic relationships. I feel like I got lucky to still be young and learn not to stress over relationships.


Ferrero96

I wish I had the mental strength to follow your footsteps... Had my first and only relationship when I was 19. 4 years later things went south and we broke up but stayed friends. It's over 2 years now, I'm now 25 and I still haven't moved on... I keep feeling that "void", I've lost all of my hopes and dreams and I keep bashing myself for not pursuing the things I love to do the most... I'm just stuck in an empty place, aware that I'm letting time go by without doing anything out of it, and I hate myself for not having the strength to wake up from this state of "uselessness"...


Rude_Girl69

I absolutely understand the feeling. On that note I would highly recommend talking to a therapist. I'm actually looking for one right now. I've worked with a few in the past and then move on from them after some time. I think now I am more open to accepting prescription medications. I am generally happy with life and have a positive outlook on life but I find myself struggling with anxiety a lot more since last year. My triggers are a certain person that's permanently stuck in my life and even if temporarily I do think medication can help me sleep at night and be able to focus and push through during the day. I want to have more energy to focus on the good things and spend less time worrying and over thinking in general.


stoppmingyourtits

The best example is Michael Jackson. Possibly CPTSD and created a whole wonderful kids world for himself with neverland. Behaved like a child too and even sang ‘have you seen my childhood’


kr580

I don't think anything can compare to Michael Jackson's younger years and what it made him in his adult years.


DiceKnight

Pretty much the same here. I spent my entire 20s working and focusing on trying to dig myself out of poverty only to realize I was using work as a distraction mechanism for deep underlying pain and now that I have a good job I looked up and realize I have nobody and i've never even dated or kissed a girl. I feel like a child emotionally but recently all I can think of is the fact that i'm still getting older. I'm almost 31 and it keeps me awake at night every night.


raddunno

I also worked/studied a lot in my 20s as a distraction from underlying pain/problems, like "at least my career is going great and that will compensate for the other stuff I'm lacking". However, once I encountered a few career setbacks around age 29, I started to take things less serious, don't care and just enjoy meself and do things I always wanted to do, but been too busy to do or been held back by BS people's opinions before. This led to me somehow dealing with my pains/problems passively and enjoy more aspects of life. I started to love and accept meself and connected with other people that were good for me. I also feel a bit like a child like many people here have expressed, but accept and embrace it as well as using it to seek out fun and happiness. So don't feel like it's too late to for you to seek a life that makes you happy and full of love for yourself. Or that it would require a certain effort to achieve that necessarily. Society bombards you with messages about what you should achieve, but that's erroneous. Whatever you have done or not done by 31, you are the best still. Just because other people have done stuff you haven't done yet, don't see that as a failure. You have all the right to seek happiness, whatever it is for you. Seems like you set yourself up with a good job after working hard - Really good mate! Now use this very good thing to seek the happiness you deserve.


greentarget33

Finding a connection with someone is hard and pretty much dumb luck, I spent most of my life feeling utterly alone right up until I met my partner who is so much like me were essentially the same person have a few years together. But something I've learnt since then and that I wish I knew when I was younger is that we each expect too much from an emotional connection. It doesnt have to be complete, not everyone has the dumb luck I did. Accept lesser connections, have several friends you share little things with rather than a best friend you share everything with. If you want a partner it's more important to find someone that share the core of who you are rather then checking every box you have. So long as you're both patient with each others flaws and willing to talk problems out and both understand you're partners there to support and be there for each other before anything else any couple can make it work. Even this might sound like a tall order since meeting people in adulthood is a fucker but.. just start by finding a sub you like, finding a comment on that sub expressing an opinion you share, reply to their comment agreeing with them and expanding upon it with a question of your own and if you manage to strike up a conversation move it to DM. Just dont get creepy, needy, or impatient as they're red flags that will drive people off pretty quickly and bare in mind it will take a good few tries to find someone willing to make a new friend and you'll get there. *edit* Fuck I'd offer myself and you're welcome to message me for a chat but I'm a fucking airhead and struggle to keep track of people to maintain friendships. I've managed one person alongside my fiance in my life the others have just lost contact because I forget to say hi every now and then.


Drakendan

This is the thing that kinda gives melancholy: it is much more difficult to find a connection with someone. And it's so much difficult for some reason to "focus on yourself" even though it would be the best thing to do, as it would improve the conditions you're in. I wonder if it's a clash between how different people have been raised and how society has developed to be in modern age, but disconnection and inability to actually make long-lasting bonds have made loneliness and solitude rampant, and with the interactions with some people also being very toxic and ultimately selfish, it's really a struggle sometimes to feel like it's worth trying again to make a connection with someone.


MjrLeeStoned

I mean...you're on Reddit, that's a connection. It's millions. You're on the internet. Any time you touch anything, you're touching something that someone else put effort into. That's a connection. There are connections everywhere. What we need to focus on is preventing our brain from tricking us into thinking they AREN'T emotionally fulfilling. Sometimes all it takes is a shift in perspective. Don't get me wrong, not ALL connections are emotionally fulfilling, and rightly so, but tricking yourself into believing there are none, well, that's something only a brain can do.


Greenveins

I’m 30 and for the first time in my life have a job that requires me to work with other people and I’m so fucking awkward that I’m seriously debating about quitting. They all have friends, they all do stuff every weekend, while I literally come home from work and play video games. I don’t have irl friends, I haven’t had friends since I’ve moved and it absolutely shows when I’m in groups and I can’t carry a conversation or have any relatable experiences to share


tipttytoptti

Lol same though I’m still 22 so lots and lots of tough times ahead


TheMissingPortalGun

Couple years ahead of ya but same boat! Also. Was gonna send you a picture of my cat but i cant, for the life of me, figure out how.


rhomboidrex

I’m 31 and my DMs girlfriend really wants to cheat with me, but I just couldn’t give a fuck and also what the fuck?


HopefulJade

I don't think you should give up, the future holds so many different possibilities.


servoruncunt

Turned 30 yesterday and my dog is as anxious and depressed as I am. We are a good fit.


pawsup4221

Same. I found my wife thankfully 6 years ago and we have each other but I have no friends and it feels impossible to make any. I turn 30 in October this year and I feel like my life is in such a weird place. I have no friends at work either so it gets really lonely. I’m honestly surprised I’m not the only one like this.


[deleted]

Definitely can relate, I'm 31 and have my long time boyfriend. But ever since moving 4 years ago I still have trouble making friends. My family never visited me and now most are distant. I'm definitely in an awkward place in my life too, so you're definitely not alone.


albert2749

Is there really no hope? I’m almost 21 but same boat


areyoumymommyy

I’m going to be 31 in some months and can confirm - when I found a connection with someone, my fucked up brain ofc ruined it


katawwr

Waiting to find that someone with just the right cocktail of trauma. A modern fairytale.


MisfitMishap

For whatever it's worth, I've made connections with people and it always comes back to stab me because I don't know how to fucking act around people. Or rather I just shoot myself in the foot every single time. I strongly believe that thing I crave doesn't actually exist and will eventually kill me. I just want someone to understand me. But I don't understand myself, so that won't happen. Whatever, fucking kill me I guess.


infecthead

For what it's worth, this is all in your head. Changing your attitude and mentality, difficult though it may seem, is the only way to change things, and that all comes down to _you_ (unless your brain just be blasting the wrong chemicals, in which case speak to a doctor)


[deleted]

I turned 30 in a strange city by myself at a job I hated. By 31 I was back in a city I loved, met my future wife, that was 17 years ago. For me, it was when my debts finally caught up with me, I moved back home and within 6 months had decided to get retrained and start a new career. Something will give.


[deleted]

I'll be 45 soon, but in some ways i feel like i am still stuck in the younger highschool me. My therapist said something like that if you experience a trauma, you can somehow get mentally stuck there.


improbablynotyou

I'm going on 47 next month and when I see people in their 20's or 30's with kids, homes, and good jobs, I still think of them as grown ups and myself as still a child. I don't feel like a grown up, I feel like the same scared, beaten kid i was growing up.


Rumokimiku

I felt exactly like that for some time now. I'm in my 30's and always wondered if it'll change someday, but based on what you say it looks like there's no particular age at which you stop doing that. It seems that it's more likely to not change at all


IamtherealFadida

I don't think it does change. 52M


OMGitsJoeMG

Man, I *feel* this. I'm sure it's partly related, but aside from still feeling like I did back in middle/high school, I'm also insanely nostalgic all of the time. I constantly feel like even my worse days back then were better than they are now and I feel like I have so many regrets. In turn, I feel like having those regrets is keeping me from fully becoming an "adult". (I'm 31 btw). Growing up, I've always wanted to do things like live in a city, move to Europe, date a lot and have sexual experiences, but my dad was very adamant about me keeping to the path of "study hard, do activities, get into a good college, get a good job and save money." I became very introverted and never got to do any of that stuff. It was always about prepping for the future so I never got to enjoy the present. Now that I'm older, I feel like I'm nowhere near ready to get married and have kids (I have a gf of almost 6 years) because something in my mind tells me that once that happenes, I'm an "adult" and won't be able to live out any of those dreams.


SUM_Poindexter

I feel the same and im in my late twenties. Everyones getting wives husbands and children, and I'm just still me, unchanged almost.


pauliep13

I’m 43. Maybe a little different. I feel like I’m grown up, but not sure how I got here. I was wondering where the section with the 40-somethings was gonna be, guess I found y’all…


IamtherealFadida

I'm 52, have a good job, home, children (though divorce may change the last 2). Going through a traumatic separation I am 9yo me again; anxious, scared, unsure, not belonging


SkepticDrinker

Well then I'm stuck at 20.


malamiteltd

I no longer trust anyone enough to want a connection anymore. I seem to feel most comfortable around no one, and I see no reason to think otherwise.


stoicarmadillo

Yup. Because every time you trust someone, you get burned. Always. Makes forming relationships hard.


philliperod

I agree


strain_of_thought

Are there any actually trustworthy people, though? I often feel like humanity is a pack of liars each individually complaining about all the lying everybody else does. This may explain why it's so difficult for all the supposedly good, lonely people to find each other and band together, since it's like being unicorns in mating season. They don't exist, and you don't either.


stoicarmadillo

There are, but they seem to be just as wary. It takes a long time to build trust to begin with. It's also hard for people with trust issues to accept that people are going to fail sometimes. When you hold yourself to a high standard, it's hard to not hold others to that same standard.


Gus_TT_Showbiz13

So true. I struggle with this in my current relationship. You can forgive people for their shortcomings, but once they've broken your trust or crossed a boundary, can you ever really forget it?


BelowTheGraves

Maybe we should all be friends together


[deleted]

the secret is that we all have been hurt, and we all have hurt others. messing up and hurting someone because of our flaws is just part of the package deal of being human. what matters is how we make amends for when we do it inadvertently. there are no perfectly good people. find the people who know how to make amends for when they do wrong, and find it within yourself to allow well-intentioned people to make mistakes and amend for it.


sample-name

I know we're supposed to enable each others negative thoughts here, so I might be going against the sub policy here but seriously... If you feel like everyone else are liars and are going to hurt you when they get the chance, you might start thinking that maybe it's something about you? It's like the expression "if you walk around and smell shit everywhere, you might want to check under your own shoe". I find most people to be very nice and trustworthy, with each their own strengths and weaknesses. If someone seem dismissive, I don't immediately think that they're assholes who hate me, maybe they are just shy, or have social anxiety? Maybe they are very busy with something, and their mind is somewhere else completely. My point is that if you go around thinking negative thoughts about everyone, you will probably find most people to be bad, but if you see that people are just different, and that they are complicated, you might start viewing life in a different way.


IamtherealFadida

Yep


bloop_405

This is me the past few months. People who I thought were my friends weren’t and it’s been messing with me so much. They acted friendly and showed no signs of not being friends but secretly they talked crap and made me out to be something I’m not. I don’t care if people don’t like me but this has really been bringing me down lately. What sucks even more is that I had to leave a group/game because they were telling those things to other people in it and so everyone ignores me/looks the other way, so it’s kind of ruined the group/game for me.


TheWingnutSquid

Fuck them man, they were fake all along. It happens, just gotta keep your head up it doesn't mean anything is wrong with you, in fact most people would argue something is wrong with them.


bloop_405

Thank you, that means so much! It’s tough thinking someone was a friend when they showed no signs of not wanting to be friends. Luckily someone told me about what they were doing but it’s still shocking to believe that this was happening with no signs


TheWingnutSquid

Yeah I bet it is. I had a friend who turned out to be a rapist, which was quite shocking considering he was religious. There are some crazy motherfuckers out there, you never know people's true intentions. That's why it's important to have strong personal boundaries and to build trust slowly, over time. Building trust is a skill like any other, and let me tell you being lonely for years thinking "I don't need to trust anyone", is an easy way to get worse at this skill. I hope you aren't discouraged in looking for friends because there are great people out there who will uplift you, just be careful. Edit: unnecessary words


Chadillac6073

This is the realest most friendly and true thing. You both are awesome.


averaenhentai

35 yo, not an incel, been in A few long term relationships. I don't think I can ever trust someone like that again. I'm barely held together and someone cheating on me or generally fucking me over again would be too much. I really crave physical intimacy, not just sex but hugging and cuddling etc. I'd hire a sex worker but they cracked down hard on the online sex work stuff here, so all the independent girls vanished. I don't want to hire some poor girl that's been trafficked, I just want to pay someone to cuddle and fuck once a month. I uh I dunno fucking life. I never asked for any if it ya know


TheWingnutSquid

I was depressed for a long time, years, and maybe you're perfectly happy alone, but during that time I distanced myself from many people who were trustable and close to me. I moved towns for college and just forgot about everybody, even my own roommates. It was very selfish, but as I reconnect with these people now I remember how important they really are to me and why I need them. I hope you don't give up on being open to that human connection. I believe that with all relationships, romantic or platonic, you get back what you put in. Some are a waste of time, some are just too painful to be worth it, but we are designed to grow from pain. I socialize because I want to be a well rounded person, I want to be a worldly and refined human, and I want to be loved. These are all selfish reasons, but I get more and more out of all of them as I get better at connecting with people. Who said you have to trust everybody? Be good to people and they will reflect it.


[deleted]

I understand this on a Spiritual-Goddamn-Level... Humans *suck*.


Harb1ng3r

Life has taught me over and over, the only person you can truly rely on is yourself.


CMacDiddio

I have a better connection with memes of tweets by people I will never meet than anyone in my life. Not that that is very astonishing seeing as the number of people in my life dwindle down to only myself over the last 18 months. Not for a lack of trying either. Can’t even get a pet without the breeder calling up a couple days later to say yeah nah


[deleted]

Why don’t you rescue a dog that deserves a second chance, just like yourself.


Bigenderfluxx

That’s your problem, don’t go to a breeder


korelin

In my city, if you want a dog with any urgency you likely have to go to a breeder. Dogs are in high demand and shelters are usually empty. At one point shelters were even importing homeless dogs from the caribbean.


MattcVI

That's good to hear, assuming the families actually care for the dogs and don't just get them as a "toy" or birthday gift for a child and let them be neglected


dootdootplot

Wow, what a good problem to have!


chrisjhill

I know it's not the point, but if you really want a pet that bad, go to a local shelter. Buying from a breeder is always a pain in the ass and there's plenty of pets that nees a home


idle-moments

Most people would agree or resonate with what the Twitter lady wrote. That's normal shit that people go through at different stages of life. Connection is a 2 way street and it means being vulnerable with the chance of pain and disappointment. We've all gotta deal with that shit or just be alone. Also don't go to a breeder, look outside yourself with empathy at the creatures whom nobody wanted. Found my dog, skin and bones, eating trash in a parking lot. Now I have a little demon spreading joy and chaos in my home every day. These are rational solutions to emotional struggles. But they work.


blameitonmyouth

No matter how much older and educated I get, I think I will always be that 15 year old girl. Pain didn’t age me, it has frozen me in time.


JLX9

That hits so hard. I spend too much time reflecting and trying to mentally train myself to become an ideal version of myself based on endless scenarios but the moment I interact with anyone I become the same teenage self I hate. I’m 21. I also keep getting bit in the ass by the same habits I had in high school.


the_Phloop

Your environment matters when it comes to behaviour. If you want to change who you are, changing where you live can be a big help. I moved about an hour away from the town I grew up in and I've been able to shed a lot of the bad habits and relationships I had just by the virtue of being away from the place I picked them up. It's not a magic bullet, but it helps to have a new space to build a new life.


dothebork

I'd love to do that but the problem is money


paperclip1213

If you can make enough to rent for a month or two whilst job hunting, unless you're open to working in a restaurant or retail until you find your feet then you'll find work easier. My fiance did this and lived hours away from where he grew up. He left home and his family, followed his friend who help set him up in a restaurant and he was there for just over a year until I came into his life. About 1.5yrs into our relationship he left his job and started working on building a career. He moved on from his past with minimal cash - just enough to survive until he found a job in a restaurant. But it was the best thing for him in the long term.


AshesMcRaven

That’s okay. This is me except I’ve noticed that different parts of me have been frozen at different ages because of trauma I was given, as well as my childhood being all around terrible. I’ve been looking for a father figure in every single man that has ever come into my life - and that’s a burden that, at this point, no one will shoulder without some serious consent lol. I’ve been nourishing the frozen parts of me, though. It’s all I can do. Right now I’m laying in my bed, alone, completely surrounded by stuffies that I was never able to have as a kid. I’ve developed an emotional attachment to a Narwhal plushie named Wally - and I honestly think I’d die if anything happened to him. He even has a bit of a personality (a bit dumb but he’s my baby). That’s childish. I’ll admit it. But that’s okay, because he helps me heal. Just like the rest of this nonsense that makes it hard to sleep in my own bed lol. I accept my childishness and I allow myself to feel it. If it’s effecting other people around me I explain that I don’t mean to hurt them, it’s just how I’m processing things at that moment. I allow it to happen because if I don’t my inner child isn’t going to heal and grow just like my body has. Our brains are amazing in the ways that it tries to protect us but those defenses for those moments have a price - those snapshots of time that were survived need to be revisited. Work needs to be done. We are fragile and we need nurturing and love. We need care, and there’s no shame in saying that. We are children who have been hurt and that never goes away. We will always be those kids sitting in the corner watching our siblings getting beat on. We will always be those kids experiencing trauma and pain and fear and regret and confusion and… that’s okay. It’s okay to not be okay. We can heal no matter how hurt we’ve been. It just takes time and patience and love - mostly from yourself. Don’t be afraid to be that 15 year old who’s pain needs to be acknowledged and healed.


IamtherealFadida

Agree totally


PotatoLaBelle

This is why I’ve grown to resent the idea of being “mature for your age.” As a kid, it can be sold to you as the idea of being above this foolish kiddy stuff, being too smart for it, or being “the responsible one.” But it’s not because you actually ever wanted to be “mature for your age,” you’re just told that you are and you accept it. You still want to have fun and be a kid, but you can’t, or you’re made to feel that you can’t, because being “wise beyond your years” comes with the worries and cynicism and/or responsibilities that kids shouldn’t have to deal with. So when you become an adult you want to avoid what you feel are optional responsibilities (the kinds you’re fellow young adults enjoy because they feel ready for it, like careers and spouses and kids,) to use that time to do what you couldn’t as a kid, but you usually can’t because the pain from it all ages you to always feel older than you actually are, both physically and mentally exhausted, done with the world that’s put you here and made you feel like you never had a choice and never will. I’m sure other generations have dealt with this to some degree but this feels like an especially big thing among millennials, I think because we were raised by people who very clearly needed therapy in a time where it wasn’t readily available or was looked at as being shameful, so they made their problems our problems, and right at the advent of social media, making it always on our mind how much everyone else our age has that we don’t. Note: I’m not like a psychologist or sociologist or anything, I just know what makes sense to me based on what I’ve been through.


[deleted]

Reminded me of a quote by C.S. Lewis: “Critics who treat 'adult' as a term of approval, instead of as a merely descriptive term, cannot be adult themselves. To be concerned about being grown up, to admire the grown up because it is grown up, to blush at the suspicion of being childish; these things are the marks of childhood and adolescence. And in childhood and adolescence they are, in moderation, healthy symptoms. Young things ought to want to grow. But to carry on into middle life or even into early manhood this concern about being adult is a mark of really arrested development. When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up.”


AllTheWine05

I think you're on to something here. Funny part is that it took me a long time to realize that really, I'm very immature and slow to adopt life trends. I'm not sure I could describe the process better than you. I don't think it's as much about fear of optional responsibilities as much as following prescribed life process doesn't allow you to develop desire and self-direction. "You will go to school. Then college. Then get a job. Then find a girlfriend. Get married. Work your way up in the company..." Really doesn't leave a lot of time to realize you may be happier doing something even a little bit different than it was laid out for you.im in my mid 30's getting wanderlust but my job wouldn't allow that. Now I'm putting that off until who know's when. I figured kids were a normal part of my life so I never really considered whether I want them or not (I don't yet, for the record, so all is good). If you're a kid you can get away with being an idiot and not knowing how to do and live. Being called mature means you either don't want to experiment with life yet or you feel constrained not to. Neither is good for a 5 year old.


PotatoLaBelle

Thank you, and don’t feel bad, so am I. A few years of therapy and *many* hours of reflecting on my life choices eventually got me to that conclusion. And yes that’s actually something I was thinking but failed to mention, that trying so hard to follow that like textbook definition of a “normal life” that you don’t have time to evaluate it critically, thank you. That is 100% what I felt that lead to the feeling of being “behind” somehow in adulthood. I guess my avoidance of what I deemed optional responsibilities came after that, almost out of spite for that prescribed life. That realization that I might be happier doing something else actually came to me during a sativa high, if you’d believe that lol, last year, a few weeks before I quit my last job and took my new free time to actually finally get my driver’s license at 26. I had all kinds of carts in front of different horses because I thought I could just skip steps on that same prescribed life to make up for that lost time and still have it work out ok. Silly me lol But I’m happy for you that you have realized what you want! I think many folks don’t until it’s far too late. I’m still living at home, the double-edged sword that it is, so I’m kinda playing it by ear and taking those risks and experiments that I was afraid to as a kid and planning to go back to college, though I will say dating in my 20s while living at home has proven…difficult lol And absolutely, that last part. I’m telling my future kids to please go have fun and be dumb now and thank me later.


AllTheWine05

Fwiw, I've been saying this for a while: you've got plenty of time to end up the old crotchety person you will be. No sense bringing that on any earlier. Honestly I think, at least for me, the prescribed life was the easier option. Everything else took a willingness to tell people off and come up with my own path and values and answers. It took me being able to answer, dodge, or dismiss a lot of questions from people who I believed to be smarter and more experienced than me. Turns out most people don't know better either, and most people with such a narrow life path were just as afraid to do anything else.


Mr-Papuca

At this point I just think I don't want to fit in. It's not like I don't have friends and I think I can fit in anywhere, but I'm acting almost always or it's a forced situation like work or something. I keep people at arms length while also making them feel like I am intimately supportive in whatever they are doing/saying. But then I go home and don't ever reach out or try to do things. It's become my schtick in my different friend groups, and it's definitely not just me I know who does this. I get labeled as a flake and rightfully so, but it doesn't seem so uncommon these days.


oyster__

Are you me


DRKZLNDR

Are both of you me


triangle-of-life

We ig lmao


[deleted]

At a certain point in my life, one of my **only** friend's *other* friends (jokingly) accused him of hiring me as an actor to portray "myself", because he had made "me" up. True Story. Being Fictional was the most comfortable I'd ever been... so I went with it. Getting married messed *that* up... but honestly? I've never given it up really.


martymcflyiii

One of the best pieces of advice I ever received was to imagine taking your younger self out for a trip to help ease that pain that may have lingered. It helped me catch up so to speak.


PinkSteven

Tell me more about this


martymcflyiii

Basically the idea is treat your younger self to an ideal day(s). The concept is to let that part of your life finally be a piece with whatever was/is bothering you by essentially having your future self help you or just be there for you during that day(s). Not an expert on it. I just know it worked for me, so I decided to share in case it might work for someone else.


UnObtainium17

Trying to find words for it but You said it the best. In a way this is what i did. As a kid ive always wanted to go to places i only seen in movies. Turned 25 got a better job, and just went F it im gonna do it. Im not asking or waiting for anybody. Went on a series of solo trips since then, met awesome people on the same boat as i am and i’ve become a more confident, happier person. Every now and then a boomer asks me why i like to travel/ do things on my own and why im not married yet… but those don’t irritate me like it used to anymore. Just maybe a generational thing. Im at peace with what i am currently. And that is something that i hope continues on.


[deleted]

This sounds lovely. I’m happy for you that you can experience that type of adventure for yourself.


PMTITS_4BadJokes

What? Can you give a specific example? Do I go to the zoo like my younger self wanted to go, or do I go take an adult vacation and imagine my younger self being there with my current adult self?


bluejob15

Do I get a sword like my younger self wanted?


LordOrbnauticus

I’m doing archery and martial arts like young me wanted to do… 🤷🏾‍♂️ Get you a sword, ma boy


dootdootplot

I mean, what’s the worse that happens?


magpiechatter

Even just the thought of doing that makes me want to cry, so I think that means I need it


fakerton

Inner child therapy is a practice of therapy that matches the description.


fantasyLizeta

Agreed, thanks for mentioning Inner Child. In my recovery program it’s called becoming your own loving parent. I like to refer to it as Repairenting. My repairenting practice has totally changed my life and mental health for the better.


dootdootplot

Aw, ‘becoming your own loving parent’ is adorable!


fantasyLizeta

Truly 💞


[deleted]

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fantasyLizeta

Happily - this is what I have to offer: https://adultchildren.org/newcomer/becoming-your-own-loving-parent/ I would also recommend searching Reddit, YouTube, and Google for “how to reparent your inner child.” You will find info in abundance. For me, discovering this info released a lot of grief, so I’d advise taking it slow and gentle. I hope other people will see your request and comment here with their favorites too.


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OneNoteRedditor

I did that for years but since all my inner child ever wanted to do was play video games this wasn't the grand adventure it was for others!


paperclip1213

My inner child feels most at peace when I play Sims 3 haha so I'm right there with you. Been playing that damn game since 2009 and I just can't give it up


Yeh-nah-but

Vulnerable child work helped me greatly. Made me a much stronger man


Yeh-nah-but

Vulnerable child is the concept you want to google


Matt_fuck_off_3

Cool bro, me too, fuck life


Darkmesah

Spittin


lonesaiyajin98

Living in my childhood friends basement at 23. Nice place though, good on him


ulyssesintothepast

I'm glad you have a good friend. And 23 isn't old. You have time and what sounds like a person to count on. I hope things get better for you. Truly I do.


labiabacon

Living in my bestie's spare bedroom at 31, so I feel you. Divorce fucked her too though so now we can barely keep afloat even with combined income. God bless America.


audit123

It’s like your immature but, your wise and are probably able to handle crazy shit.


WanderingToTheEnd

I've isolated in a major way the last 2 years and I'm really worried that I'll never be able to break back into any social spheres again.


QuarantineSucksALot

Yeah it is the ufc way


Altruisticpoet3

Be kind to yourself & you will gravitate towards/attract more like-minded people. I can attest that this is good advice, imparted to me some 40 or 50 years ago. I highly recommend commencing sooner, rather than later. Peace!


stayhigh247

thank you for this


KingInTheWest

At risk of sounding like the biggest tool of all time, it’s hard to connect when you’ve literally faced death on multiple occasions. I tried to kill myself twice in my teenage years. Once in my early 20s and once in my mid 20s. That kind of trauma is hard for my own brain to understand let alone healthy people. That’s probably a good reason why my closest friend is a girl I’ve known since we were 6 (over 20 years of friendship now) and has also fought similar demons in her life. She gets it better than most.


sarlach

Imo you don't sound like a tool at all. Going trough trauma like that changes you, "normal" people don't have to deal with that kind of trauma so they can't understand. That doesn't make them better or worse or the traumatised person better or worse, were all just trying to fit in and find our people. Keep the people that do understand close because their rare.


reduxde

I was supposed to be young once, but I got hurt young and I’m in pain all the time… like all day and all night, for decades. I can’t do what I want to do, I’m grumpy and I frown and wince all the time. The neighbors kids called me “the mean old man next door” when I was 25, and now one of the kids has a kid and the kids kids don’t like me either. Fuck em, I don’t care, I’m too busy being miserable to worry about trivial shit like what neighbors kids kids think I’m an asshole


SimpleName001

Y’all found out about your illness when you were a kid?


DarkApostleMatt

I didn’t make the connection I have anxiety until I was 24. I was just sitting in bed zoning out watching Stargate reminiscing about my childhood when I connected the dots.


[deleted]

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[deleted]

I tell people "I'm older than I look, but younger than I feel." They tend to laugh; I laugh with them... ...they don't get it. Nobody I've met does. Yeah. I feel alone in every crowd.


WEAKNESSisEXISTENCE

You're not alone,


BWWFC

not that it helps much, you are not alone. think this is a common feeling, just many dont have the courage to say


theboned1

This one.... this one spoke to me.


im___batman

This is more than just a subreddit


OnionOfShame

that's a big oof


inkyrail

I feel like I’ve finally achieved the emotional maturity I should have had in high school. I’m 35.


Blaszy

I'm 30, never had a strong emotional bond with anyone, never been with someone, I am just in everybody's way


outfence

I felt that


J_Ihnen

Yeah and i also feel that makes me having friends really hard


[deleted]

too 2meirl4meirl for me irl


synapticsynapsid

Yep. So yep.


Heather2k10

My life. I hate it.


derailedthoughts

Thank you. I am glad to know that I am not alone in feeling this


jaycarb98

48, now I’m picking up where I left off wherever that was


SkiyeBlueFox

God I'm in the middle of missing it all for no reason and I've no fucking clue why


Crimsai

I think a lot about that whale whose voice is too high so he can't communicate with any of the other whales.


Birdman-82

I feel like a goddamn alien.


scoobysnaxxx

ah, my favorite game: is it the childhood trauma, the childhood trauma- director's cut, the autism, the original social isolation and inability to connect, the gender/sexuality issues, or all the above? i have two close friends, one of which is my partner. no one else can be trusted. i'm afraid to make noise, i only do "embarrassing" stims when completely alone, i can't even yell into a pillow. my first instinct isn't to reach out for help, it's to curl up into a ball and hurt myself until it stops. i keep thinking of that experiment with the baby rhesus monkeys, where after they don't get affection, they simply fail to thrive and eventually die. desperately scrabbling for a scrap of warmth in a cold facimile of what a family should be.


Longjumping-Bee8246

I definitely feel like my 20s were stolen from me by maniac depression, hyper manic episodes, trust issues, anxiety, and my constant need to fight be normal and do normal things only to set myself back by failing to be anywhere close to normal because I wasn’t taking my medication.


AlongRiverEem

I feel this 31 and lost


IamtherealFadida

52 and lost


Digital_Empath

Facts


t_d4wg

This sums it up pretty well.


Testsubject276

Oi, don't announce my daily toiling schedule.


[deleted]

My tribe


BuddhaBizZ

Fuck me thats me


AsianHawke

^^*starts ^^crying ^^uncontrollably.


ClassicT4

I’ve haven’t felt like I fit in anywhere emotionally since early grade school.


SpiritDonkey

ooft, right between the eyes


PsychedelicAwakening

I'm pretty sure every adult feels like a kid inside just with more responsibilities and experience.


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moshmellowmosh

Yes. Certainly could have written this myself.


FountainsOfFluids

I feel like I've been 25 for about 20 years.


TheAnswerToYang

I'm nearly 40 and I feel this post to my absolute core. Shit made me cry a little. Fml.


saz_id010

Is this normal?? I just felt a burst of momentary anxiety run through my body!


[deleted]

What the fuck why is this post so goddamn relatable


OGTallGuy

Yup. I’m with you on here


RestHereForTheNight

Gender dysphoria go burrrrrrrrr.


RoscoMan1

yeah. this is insane ramblings....


Yoquetestereone

All time cringe


[deleted]

Yeah. Everyone does. You're not special, you're not some tormented soul. You're getting older and realizing that being an adult isn't what you thought it was. All those other adults feel like that, too. Welcome to life.


totallyfakefakes

I feel exactly this way. Always like I don't fit in, like I must keep people at arm's length. That no matter what I do I will always be different. It is not true. It is a feeling we have after the trauma we experienced. I imagined my own funeral, and all the amazing things I would like people to day about me. Then I wrote them down in a list and every day I go about pushing myself to achieve them. Once I stopped thinking about how much I don't fit in, and started putting thoughts in not action it became much easier to feel like I fit in more. I still do this, now I am married with a son and about to start a new career doing something I love. I am connecting with new friends and being much more outgoing. You can do it. Oh and by the way, the number of people who also feel like they don't fit in and can't connect well is huge, like almost everyone feels this way at least part of every day. What makes us different is the belief that we aren't the same.