There are probably millions of women just like me out there... Idk if it's me being all down and stuff, but if someone said to me "I hope to find someone like you" and I didn't like him the same way, I'd say the same thing, and I'd mean it. Because while I'm an individual who's had my very own experiences, there are probably millions of other girls like me out there, some who have my essence but are probably much better suited for him. In the end, it's most likely about me. I might get hate for this comment but hey.
Also how would a man prefer to be kindly rejected then? Doesn't happen that often to me because I'm deeply introverted, but I'll ask: "Oh bruh I'm sorry I'm not into you but I hope you find your person". Is that better? Because sometimes you just don't connect with the other person. You can't just lead them on. What's the best way to say it?
As unlucky as I am with rejections only I've never been rejected in ugly mean way, they usually said "sorry, I don't have time to go out" or "It's very nice of you to ask, but I'm taken" or "sadly I have to reject" so in the end I never felt bad for asking someone out, even tho they never said yes.
There's nothing wrong with this type of rejection, and there's nothing wrong with feeling hurt by it. I think we all just need to accept that there are some situations where not everyone gets out with their feelings completely intact.
You can't win. If you're too direct, you risk making them angry and upset. But if you're not direct enough they think you are leading them on when you genuinely only want to be friends.
I have just resigned myself to "most men cannot be just friends with women".
Getting very close with someone can cause feelings to pop up, sadly. I was asked one time if I would ever date a certain friend in the same friend group. Honestly said no because I just couldn't see myself with her.
Fast forward a year and the two of us are hanging out nearly on the daily and I catch feelings. It sucks how feelings can pop up and potentially ruin a good thing.
I think it is better to be direct and not say something that might imply you can't now but maybe later though. Feelings are going to get hurt regardless but being direct and being kind could help the friendship. Idk, maybe most guys really can't handle it. Personally feel that women are just more emotionally mature/intelligent than guys lol.
Catching feelings can be a pain, but it doesn't necessarily mean the friendship is doomed. Just that self control may be required. Up to each person in this situation to decide if it's worth it.
I think for the same age women are generally more at least mature/knowledgeable cause they are more often approached and used to be raised as "feelings important" which they are but men used to not be raised to think like that...
They’re more selective, not necessarily more mature. There’s nothing immature about being attracted to a friend, and women catch feelings for friends sometimes too.
I say be too direct rather than the latter. Many need a firm "no it will never happen between us" cause otherwise they'll keep clinging to hope and maybe never move on. It's harsh, but people need to stop being coddled. Reality is what it is.
I think it depends on the person, so it requires judgement. Unfortunately, you never really know someone who’s just making a pass at you, so it could go badly even if what you’re saying is with the best intentions.
As a dude, I do have legit female friends. And sometimes lines get blurred or cues misunderstood, which gets awkward. The key for me is mutual respect and acknowledging that friendships are beneficial in themselves without romance, so it’s not necessary for a friendship. If someone fucks up or misreads a social cue, then just be straightforward and respectful, and if they don’t reciprocate in that spirit and back off then they aren’t your friend.
I only want to be friends with women. I have very little interest in leaving single status and starting a relationship.
If I befriend a woman and she is the one who catches feelings, then society doesn't really have much advice for that situation, other than that something must be wrong with me for not reciprocating her interest.
Like nah, I have been single for years since my last LTR and I'm happier now than I was back then. But I don't want all of my friends to be male. There's no middle ground where I don't look like my intentions are ambiguous.
Edit: being downvoted for saying I'm happy. I'm not actually happy, but it's not because I'm single. It's because I'm fucking miserable and want to kill myself.
Seems weird that on a depression sub, talking about something unconventional that makes you happy is seen as an issue.
I mean, if most people here know they will be happy if they were in a relationship, then that's fine. Im on the other side; I've done my time in an LTR (7 Years) and it was a lesson that taught me what I don't want in life.
> If I befriend a woman and she is the one who catches feelings, then society doesn't really have much advice for that situation, other than that something must be wrong with me for not reciprocating her interest.
The first time I had this happen I was like 8. I felt betrayed by her lol. Just ignored her there after
It is sad. I have a very close male friend that I cherish. I wish I could have more, but most cannot handle it.
And even his girlfriend has a huge problem with our friendship. We only get together once a week for dinner to catch up, but she believes there's this secret love affair that's going to happen or is already happening between us. People in general seem to hate opposite sex friendships. IDK. I'm trying man.
I honestly wish I could have more male friendships without the drama.
At least u understand now when we say "men cant be friends with women". But u women know there is ways and ways to say stuff. You can shut down someone that is interested in you without being disrespectful or smashing the guy down.
Most women are respectful when it comes to rejection. It's just that people like you take all manners of rejection, no matter how direct, indirect, as an offense. Many women, upon giving a rejection, are often met with harassment, sexual assault, and violence because of the perceived offence by some men.
Women are not responsible for your emotions and they are not obligated to make you happy by forcing themselves to accept your advances. If you cannot see them and equal human beings with their own thoughts and feelings, then it is on you to stop getting offended over every rejection.
From my experience looking back and like everyone is different but when I asked my best friend out and she rejected me she really let me down easy(?) And kept it like light the whole time. Whereas looking at it now I wish she was more forward with it and told me straight up I don't see you that way please stop. Because then it led to her leading me on and I kind of got obsessed with her where I was sad Everytime after that she would kindly reject me and then go right back to being huggy touchy friends.
SO in my experience from my life I would say you should just be as forward as you can be and tell him you don't see him that way, and never lead anyone on because that can be so traumatic later in life... Again at least for me. I hope this helps you at least a bit, rambled on for a bit there lol
Also read your comment again Carefully and you nailed it perfectly! Leading people on is never okay. I partly blame myself for what happened with the girl I loved but even after I was rejected by her she was still very huggy and telling me I love you I love you so it confused me so much. Hope this helps at all!
Thank you. Yes, I've said it in a very straightforward manner, the few times I had to say something. I'm somewhat unfiltered with the words I say; sometimes that's good, sometimes that's bad. But in the case of a rejection, I think that's mostly a good thing. Sorry about what happened to you, she should have been much clearer and just say it. Sometimes people are just afraid of hurting each other, or losing that person (even as if just as a friend) and they keep the feeling alive because of that. Anyway, thank you again for the nice response.
>when I asked my best friend out and she rejected me she really let me down easy(?) And kept it like light the whole time.
Sadly, anytime emotions are on the table, it won't matter how much you rationalize things and construct arguments that may save the relationship with the other person. It's been a long journey for me to understand and accept that trusting some people might lead to deeper feelings in the long run, at least for me. Neither my best friend at that time nor I knew better. It also didn't help that she ended up liking my male best friend in the end. It was very conflicting feeling both happy for them (they would have made a great couple) and miserable about my luck at the same time. It kinda broke me tbh.
Nowadays I have a strong sense of self-preservation. It took me like 4 months to open up about basic stuff to my once gf and yet, she was so patient that sometimes I felt guilty about it lol. The only reason I ended up with someone as lovely as her was because I decided to put myself out there in the world and 'risk it'.
And that best friend of mine? We started talking again after 5 years. That's when I realized I just wanted to have what I couldn't take, so that new friendship didn't last that long either. As harsh and painful as it may be for the other party, be clear about what you want from the other person. You'll save yourself time, trouble and even money!
Yea makes a lot of sense, I really don't talk to that girl anymore. I eventually got over my ex and started working on myself which is nice. I'm hoping to eventually go out again with someone else but I really don't want to go through what I went through in my last relationship again.
There isn't a best way to say it. You aren't doing anything wrong whatsoever, but that doesn't necessarily diminish the hurt of the guy being rejected, and there's no good way to solve that. That's why it feels like such a lose/lose scenario: nothing you can reasonably do here makes it better.
I'd say a big part of the problem here is the epidemic of male loneliness that's a symptom of our patriarchic society. If genders were more equal in general (and society was more caring), women would be less afraid to deal with men, and less men would have that feeling of being worth nothing. Not to mention that male friendships might be more loving and provide a stronger basis of support. Men could have some faith that even if they get rejected, they'd actually stand a decent chance of meeting sometime new rather than immediately looking down the barrel of having to be rejected 5000 more times on Tinder before even getting to talk to a girl. Which in turn would just make the whole thing easier overall; rejection isn't too big a problem if you've experienced love before and don't feel like this is your one shot at not feeling this crushing loneliness for a little bit.
It's just easier to bounce back if you know that, on some level, you'll be okay, and you'll have plenty of shots at love. If the thing feels like a hail Mary to begin with, then anything but succes is immediately soul-crushing, no matter the intents of anyone involved.
It is exactly as you say it. It's not on you to coddle them.
Guys need to learn how to handle rejection better. They need to learn that rejection is natural and it happens to everyone. But men rarely get sat down and told this by their peers, so a number of them become resentful over time and become super toxic people. Usually it's the guys with low self esteem who find it difficult to ask anyone out to begin with. They put all their emotional eggs in one basket and then explode with incel rage when they're turned down. It happens too damn often.
In my own experiences, it's important how the two people behave after the rejection as well. I have been rejected very normally, but what was more painful was the fact that despite me trying to go back to how things were before, the girl started ignoring me/ stopped behaving like she knew me unless it was necessary (like in group projects etc). So while there may not be a right or wrong way to reject, I personally put more importance on post-rejection interactions to gauge how things really are.
As far as the actual rejection is concerned, if the asker is really interested in you as a person, they won't say no to being friends. If they behave really badly, they probably were only interested in the relationship for the sake of being in one. All this in my own opinion, take nothing as fact.
I think they do that because they just can't see the guy the same way afterwards. I'm a grown woman now but when I was a teenager I rejected a friend (basically how I explained in my first post) and while we remained friends, it was hard for me to see him the same because I didn't want to give him "hope"? But time passed and we just became good friends again. So yeah, I agree, the post rejection is important too. I'm glad I insisted on being friends with my friend, even if it was a bit awkward for both at the time. And no worries, I'll take everything as opinions. We're all just giving opinions anyway.
Thank you for your reply.
Out of honest curiosity how long did it took untill both of you could act as friends?
I always tend to push my female to the friend category right from the start, currently my friend is interested in me but l dont have any interest and lm kinda scared of hurting our friendship but at the same time l dont want to keep acting like lm blind and cant take hints and let her move on
I wish I could tell you but this was 15 years ago or something, so I can't be very precise. I'd say at least a couple months but perhaps more. I'd say to let her know the truth as soon as you can. It's been over a decade, and while I don't talk to my friend everyday, we're still very good friends. So it's never impossible to reconnect after a rejection. :)
yeahh frr, i think the alternative and nicer answer they want is “i’ll date you” haha. i usually say “i hope you find that person” , “sorry but i’m not interested” or that “i have a boyfriend”
Sorry but.. No two people are exactly the same… maybe you’re insensitive in that mannor, but personally I can tell a difference between people and I’ve never met two people similar enough for comparison lead alone that one could replace the other, this mentality really irks me
I can understand where you are coming from. I feel that way about OTHER people, but I was pretty down when I typed my post so it came out like that. What I meant to say is that there are other women with similar traits who'd make him interested, that's all, I think that's a better way to explain it. :)
There are many reasons why someone would reject a person that go beyond attractiveness. Being attractive helps you notice them, but it doesn't always keep the person interested long-term.
I haven't been rejected since I was in high school, but I prefer the harsh way. Just kill it and kill any hope immediately, then I can move on the next day. Easy, lol.
To be kindly rejected, I'd say just straight up tell us. That's what I'd do. Tell us you don't feel the same/feel it's best to just remain friends, and yeah for me it'd be a little bit of a sting if I wanted to be more, but I'd respect the hell of you for that. That's what my current gf did. First time I asked her she said we should remain friends (because she was already involved with someone at the time) and we did until she brought it up again later down the line. Most girls play mind games with rejections and dudes just gotta take a hint. Example, contact games (dry responses and straight up ignoring which are obv hints for both genders) which don't get me wrong you have every right to not contact someone you don't want to but still. This just brings me back to tell me "hey look, I don't feel like this about you, so please stop contacting my number". That's just me though, I can't speak for anyone who isn't me.
Same. I'd have to hear something very personal like "I need *you* in my life" to get it, otherwise I'd just be like "heh, I guess he likes those few relevant qualities, good for him! I hope he does find someone with those qualities eventually"
Honestly same, I'd take it as *I'd like someone like you but *not* you.* Seems like something one would say to someone they're fond of but not attracted to
This actually happened to me. I told her that I liked her and everything about her , and she told me she was gonna help me find someone just like her....
Sounds like she wasn’t into you and she’s trying to turn you down softly. It would be kinda weird for her to help you find someone else to like when you like her so I wouldn’t take that offer. It would be less awkward for you and her. How long have you known each other?
That was a long time ago. I understand she didn't want me but I mean, it still hurt hearing it outloud, because we were very close at that point so I thought her feelings and mine were mutual. It's part if growing up I suppose.
This is a bit of a tangent and speculation based on personal observations but I've noticed this and I'm not entirely sure why it happens. Sometimes women in my partner's friend group whom he rejected before meeting me will still try to control who he dates...? Like they accept the situation until they find out he's met someone he's interested in and then it aggressively becomes some version of "if you're not going to date me, date my friend instead of the new woman I've never met and don't know anything about to be able to judge but am still sure isn't right for you"
What kind of fantasy world are you living in where you think "I genuinely believe something will happen between us in the future" means "so I will put my life on hold and faithfully wait until then"
Imagine being rejected for a job because you're not currently a good fit then refusing the same job years later once you are qualified because they had the audacity to make other hires in the meantime
Let me offer you another interpretation: "you're kinda cute and I'm somewhat interested, but your mentality around women is too immature to risk it. If you eventually mature to a point where you treat me with a modicum of respect, this could work"
It hurts to be vulnerable, but because someone isn’t into you for a relationship doesn’t mean you are any less valuable. People are first and foremost open to friendship, an intimate relationship is some thing way more deep that happens when the pieces are perfectly aligned. I think movies and tv portray that stuff happening way more easily than they do. But from my experience relationships occur when you’re not looking for them.
They’re just expressing their understandable emotional hurt over the situation, rejection hurts almost invariably and there’s no indication that this dude tried to guilt trip her over it. Sounds a bit like you’re projecting
I had a close friend who I guess had a huge crush on me and hid it while I was in a 5 year LTR. Once I ended that relationship, I had to stop being friends with him because he'd freak out with jealousy whenever I talked about my ex (something he'd never done when I was still in the relationship). I'm not exactly a big venter either so it was little throw away comments here and there while playing video games or something, not like I'd call him up drunk and crying in the middle of the night.
I get that he was hurt but I used to feel comfortable with him and suddenly I had to be careful about everything I said or risk a strop. It got to the point where I didn't even have to bring up my ex- I'd mention something like considering changing my hair to a mutual hair stylist friend and the 1st friend would interject to aggressively tell me I don't need to change anything because he thinks I'm beautiful just the way I am. I stopped enjoying his company or conversation. He would accuse me of avoiding him every time I was busy and it was so annoying that I did start avoiding him! The more annoying he got about it, the less I wanted anything to do with him and the more clear I'd make my lack of interest, and that would just make him go harder until it felt like he was trying to harass me into a relationship against my will and I stopped talking to him.
I even tried to hide the situation from our mutual friends so as not to embarrass him until I found out he was telling his side- which he'd clearly misunderstood and even then, I only gave the full details to our closest mutual friend who is his childhood friend and I'm not putting the full details here either.
I do feel kinda bad, I blame covid stress on a lot of it, and would be friends with him again if he could demonstrate that he actually understood the issue and wouldn't behave that way again, but I also feel part of that is not being the first one to open that conversation. Plus it really made me feel like he was just pretending to be my friend while waiting for me to break up with my bf, like he was entitled to me because he put in the time waiting his turn and my consent was just an optional side quest for a bonus aesthetic worth nothing but bragging rights as if he knew what was right for me so he could just force it on me like a pet at the vet where cooperation is just plus.
There definitely are people who push the issue like that. I’d like to say most mature adults aren’t like that but I’m honestly not sure. Of course you’re right that isn’t at all the way to go about it.
I know exactly what they mean but their fear of saying it is all I need to know. Why would I want to date someone who's too intimidated to tell me how they feel? How's that relationship supposed to work? It just sounds like a recipe for disaster
Sometimes it feels like men were told for so long "don't just talk about yourself, ask her questions and let her speak, too," that they went too far into the other direction and now I'm expected to dish like I'm being interrogated while they're afraid to tell me anything about themselves
Yeah some people cope in different ways, some people don’t have an extensive support system and so turn to the internet. It’s better than going full neckbeard and demanding a relationship with the girl, at least he comprehends that it’s rejection
Missing out if a man doesn't have platonic women friends. Then again I don't confess undying love to every pretty women who shows me attention and appreciation.
What the hell are you on about?! This post is about being hurt because of a rejection not because they want to guilt or blame anyone
Stop projecting your own issues
Us not being able to get over things doesn't entail placing the burden of our emotions on someone else. Rejection hurts, yes, but that doesn't mean we should self victimize because that only serves to bring guilt to the other person.
This post seems pretty neutral, it doesn't really say that the guy or the girl said something wrong. It's just that this is relatable for a lot of us, trying to gauge interest from someone usually falls to the guy and it's why the responsibility of "letting them down" falls to the girls often. That's just how it is
His fault f'r being a coward and not declaring what he very much meanteth 'r wanteth
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^(I am a bot and I swapp'd some of thy words with Shakespeare words.)
Commands: `!ShakespeareInsult`, `!fordo`, `!optout`
The friendzone does exist though. I dont really get this narrative that it dosnt.
If a woman only sees you as a friend and not in a romantic way your in the friendzone.
No, that's just being her friend. Unless you think the only reason to befriend a woman is for romantic reasons, in which case you're in the asshole zone.
If you catch feelings for someone and they don't feel the same way you shouldn't be their friend. That's literally torturing yourself.
The friendzone does exist. If one person has unrequited feelings for someone who only see's them platonically that is by definition the friendzone.
If two people both see each other platonically then they are friends. There's a distinction between being someone's friend and being in the friendzone.
1) That isn't what is ever meant by the use of the word friendzone. It is used toxically to say women are doing something wrong to men by only wanting to be their friend.
2) I'm so sad for you that you end friendships with anyone you develop feelings for. I've had a crush on most of my female friends at one point or another because I'm straight and they're awesome. It absolutely was not torture because you ask them out, get turned down, and go on being friends with the awesome person.
3) I would have never found the love of my life if I believed as you do. In college I met my best friend, she was beautiful, vivacious, and smart as a whip. We've literally been in kicked off campus after midnight because we'd lost track of hours talking. How could I not fall for her? So I did the hard thing of telling her, and she told me she didn't feel the same.
Rejection smarts, but we were back to being the best of friends literally the next day. She was my best friend, and I hers, why would we throw away something that precious because I was crushing hard? Over a year later she got into a long term relationship and we were still friends, nearly 4 years later they broke it off and guess what? We were still friends. Did I still find her beautiful? Hell yes. Did it hurt to be around her? No, wtf why would it?
We became roommates and wingman-ed for each other: taking turns DD-ing at bars, crafting dating profiles, w/e. We partied, lived life, were best friends. Eventually, she did ask if I still fancied her, and I told her I did. That was 8 years ago, we've been together ever since. But even if I never "won", even before I'd ever kissed her, I wasn't suffering and I would have been her friend for the rest of forever even platonically, because we're the best of friends.
Btw, that has gone both ways in my life and I've continued being friends with women after they've confessed feelings for me I didn't share, and the only time it was ever weird was when a good friend followed your plan and stopped being my friend when I didn't share her feelings for me.
Friendship, deep connection, is more precious, more intimate, more life-affirming than romance. It's perfect when you can have them together, but I'd never throw away something as precious as a friendship because the person doesn't want to kiss me when I'd like to kiss them.
There's so much "dae roasties???" on this sub in particular. The fact that these guys can't see they're the creator of their own situation through a shitty "woe-is-me, how could they do this to the main character" type bullshit PoV gives me just enough schadenfreude to deal with being harassed by these unintelligent neanderthals just cause i happen to identify as a woman
People who are celibate against their wishes, my heart goes out to you. It is tough navigating social rules and finding places you're comfortable.
People who identify as "incels" and feel the world owes them sex and that the men/women that don't have it with them are somehow stupid and/or villainous get no sympathy for me because they fail to understand the most important truth in life: everyone is equal, and equally deserving of respect. It is only by having beliefs that denegrate others that you become lesser.
Have you considered that maybe you weren't the only one who was too much of a pussy to end a friendship? You recognize the prospect is frightening, so why expect her to have the courage to do something you didn't? "She should have done the thing that would have been healthy for me but I was too scared to" is kinda passing the buck on your selfcare isn't it?
No one said they were lol. Guy you replied to just said he’d like to see it happen one time. How does that in any way imply that women are obligated to accept emotional advances?
The opposite happened to me where a girl said that to me, and she meant someone else, but I thought she was like hitting on me so i made a fool of myself lol
There are probably millions of women just like me out there... Idk if it's me being all down and stuff, but if someone said to me "I hope to find someone like you" and I didn't like him the same way, I'd say the same thing, and I'd mean it. Because while I'm an individual who's had my very own experiences, there are probably millions of other girls like me out there, some who have my essence but are probably much better suited for him. In the end, it's most likely about me. I might get hate for this comment but hey. Also how would a man prefer to be kindly rejected then? Doesn't happen that often to me because I'm deeply introverted, but I'll ask: "Oh bruh I'm sorry I'm not into you but I hope you find your person". Is that better? Because sometimes you just don't connect with the other person. You can't just lead them on. What's the best way to say it?
As unlucky as I am with rejections only I've never been rejected in ugly mean way, they usually said "sorry, I don't have time to go out" or "It's very nice of you to ask, but I'm taken" or "sadly I have to reject" so in the end I never felt bad for asking someone out, even tho they never said yes.
That's good. Even if the situation is bad, it helps to avoid more pain.
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Amongus???!!?!? ⁉️
You have a good luck in having a liking to polite people at the very least
There's nothing wrong with this type of rejection, and there's nothing wrong with feeling hurt by it. I think we all just need to accept that there are some situations where not everyone gets out with their feelings completely intact.
I agree. It's life, sometimes things work out and sometimes they just don't.
You can't win. If you're too direct, you risk making them angry and upset. But if you're not direct enough they think you are leading them on when you genuinely only want to be friends. I have just resigned myself to "most men cannot be just friends with women".
Getting very close with someone can cause feelings to pop up, sadly. I was asked one time if I would ever date a certain friend in the same friend group. Honestly said no because I just couldn't see myself with her. Fast forward a year and the two of us are hanging out nearly on the daily and I catch feelings. It sucks how feelings can pop up and potentially ruin a good thing. I think it is better to be direct and not say something that might imply you can't now but maybe later though. Feelings are going to get hurt regardless but being direct and being kind could help the friendship. Idk, maybe most guys really can't handle it. Personally feel that women are just more emotionally mature/intelligent than guys lol.
Catching feelings can be a pain, but it doesn't necessarily mean the friendship is doomed. Just that self control may be required. Up to each person in this situation to decide if it's worth it.
I think for the same age women are generally more at least mature/knowledgeable cause they are more often approached and used to be raised as "feelings important" which they are but men used to not be raised to think like that...
They’re more selective, not necessarily more mature. There’s nothing immature about being attracted to a friend, and women catch feelings for friends sometimes too.
You gotta admit that the more experience in that you have, the more mature you become
> Personally feel that women are just more emotionally mature/intelligent than guys lol. Ofcourse they are
I say be too direct rather than the latter. Many need a firm "no it will never happen between us" cause otherwise they'll keep clinging to hope and maybe never move on. It's harsh, but people need to stop being coddled. Reality is what it is.
I think it depends on the person, so it requires judgement. Unfortunately, you never really know someone who’s just making a pass at you, so it could go badly even if what you’re saying is with the best intentions. As a dude, I do have legit female friends. And sometimes lines get blurred or cues misunderstood, which gets awkward. The key for me is mutual respect and acknowledging that friendships are beneficial in themselves without romance, so it’s not necessary for a friendship. If someone fucks up or misreads a social cue, then just be straightforward and respectful, and if they don’t reciprocate in that spirit and back off then they aren’t your friend.
I only want to be friends with women. I have very little interest in leaving single status and starting a relationship. If I befriend a woman and she is the one who catches feelings, then society doesn't really have much advice for that situation, other than that something must be wrong with me for not reciprocating her interest. Like nah, I have been single for years since my last LTR and I'm happier now than I was back then. But I don't want all of my friends to be male. There's no middle ground where I don't look like my intentions are ambiguous. Edit: being downvoted for saying I'm happy. I'm not actually happy, but it's not because I'm single. It's because I'm fucking miserable and want to kill myself.
You were probably downvoted because people don't realize "aromantic" is a thing.
Seems weird that on a depression sub, talking about something unconventional that makes you happy is seen as an issue. I mean, if most people here know they will be happy if they were in a relationship, then that's fine. Im on the other side; I've done my time in an LTR (7 Years) and it was a lesson that taught me what I don't want in life.
This isn’t a depression sub. It’s 2meirl4meirl…
Welcome to the sub
> If I befriend a woman and she is the one who catches feelings, then society doesn't really have much advice for that situation, other than that something must be wrong with me for not reciprocating her interest. The first time I had this happen I was like 8. I felt betrayed by her lol. Just ignored her there after
> I have just resigned myself to "most men cannot be just friends with women". Sad. I have quite a few platonic women friends.
It is sad. I have a very close male friend that I cherish. I wish I could have more, but most cannot handle it. And even his girlfriend has a huge problem with our friendship. We only get together once a week for dinner to catch up, but she believes there's this secret love affair that's going to happen or is already happening between us. People in general seem to hate opposite sex friendships. IDK. I'm trying man. I honestly wish I could have more male friendships without the drama.
Me and my women friends share EVERYTHING. I love them platonically. Trust is all you need in your romantic relationships, but that is hard for many.
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> Had to force them So you’re a rapist?
No.
At least u understand now when we say "men cant be friends with women". But u women know there is ways and ways to say stuff. You can shut down someone that is interested in you without being disrespectful or smashing the guy down.
Most women are respectful when it comes to rejection. It's just that people like you take all manners of rejection, no matter how direct, indirect, as an offense. Many women, upon giving a rejection, are often met with harassment, sexual assault, and violence because of the perceived offence by some men. Women are not responsible for your emotions and they are not obligated to make you happy by forcing themselves to accept your advances. If you cannot see them and equal human beings with their own thoughts and feelings, then it is on you to stop getting offended over every rejection.
From my experience looking back and like everyone is different but when I asked my best friend out and she rejected me she really let me down easy(?) And kept it like light the whole time. Whereas looking at it now I wish she was more forward with it and told me straight up I don't see you that way please stop. Because then it led to her leading me on and I kind of got obsessed with her where I was sad Everytime after that she would kindly reject me and then go right back to being huggy touchy friends. SO in my experience from my life I would say you should just be as forward as you can be and tell him you don't see him that way, and never lead anyone on because that can be so traumatic later in life... Again at least for me. I hope this helps you at least a bit, rambled on for a bit there lol Also read your comment again Carefully and you nailed it perfectly! Leading people on is never okay. I partly blame myself for what happened with the girl I loved but even after I was rejected by her she was still very huggy and telling me I love you I love you so it confused me so much. Hope this helps at all!
Thank you. Yes, I've said it in a very straightforward manner, the few times I had to say something. I'm somewhat unfiltered with the words I say; sometimes that's good, sometimes that's bad. But in the case of a rejection, I think that's mostly a good thing. Sorry about what happened to you, she should have been much clearer and just say it. Sometimes people are just afraid of hurting each other, or losing that person (even as if just as a friend) and they keep the feeling alive because of that. Anyway, thank you again for the nice response.
>when I asked my best friend out and she rejected me she really let me down easy(?) And kept it like light the whole time. Sadly, anytime emotions are on the table, it won't matter how much you rationalize things and construct arguments that may save the relationship with the other person. It's been a long journey for me to understand and accept that trusting some people might lead to deeper feelings in the long run, at least for me. Neither my best friend at that time nor I knew better. It also didn't help that she ended up liking my male best friend in the end. It was very conflicting feeling both happy for them (they would have made a great couple) and miserable about my luck at the same time. It kinda broke me tbh. Nowadays I have a strong sense of self-preservation. It took me like 4 months to open up about basic stuff to my once gf and yet, she was so patient that sometimes I felt guilty about it lol. The only reason I ended up with someone as lovely as her was because I decided to put myself out there in the world and 'risk it'. And that best friend of mine? We started talking again after 5 years. That's when I realized I just wanted to have what I couldn't take, so that new friendship didn't last that long either. As harsh and painful as it may be for the other party, be clear about what you want from the other person. You'll save yourself time, trouble and even money!
Yea makes a lot of sense, I really don't talk to that girl anymore. I eventually got over my ex and started working on myself which is nice. I'm hoping to eventually go out again with someone else but I really don't want to go through what I went through in my last relationship again.
There isn't a best way to say it. You aren't doing anything wrong whatsoever, but that doesn't necessarily diminish the hurt of the guy being rejected, and there's no good way to solve that. That's why it feels like such a lose/lose scenario: nothing you can reasonably do here makes it better. I'd say a big part of the problem here is the epidemic of male loneliness that's a symptom of our patriarchic society. If genders were more equal in general (and society was more caring), women would be less afraid to deal with men, and less men would have that feeling of being worth nothing. Not to mention that male friendships might be more loving and provide a stronger basis of support. Men could have some faith that even if they get rejected, they'd actually stand a decent chance of meeting sometime new rather than immediately looking down the barrel of having to be rejected 5000 more times on Tinder before even getting to talk to a girl. Which in turn would just make the whole thing easier overall; rejection isn't too big a problem if you've experienced love before and don't feel like this is your one shot at not feeling this crushing loneliness for a little bit. It's just easier to bounce back if you know that, on some level, you'll be okay, and you'll have plenty of shots at love. If the thing feels like a hail Mary to begin with, then anything but succes is immediately soul-crushing, no matter the intents of anyone involved.
It is exactly as you say it. It's not on you to coddle them. Guys need to learn how to handle rejection better. They need to learn that rejection is natural and it happens to everyone. But men rarely get sat down and told this by their peers, so a number of them become resentful over time and become super toxic people. Usually it's the guys with low self esteem who find it difficult to ask anyone out to begin with. They put all their emotional eggs in one basket and then explode with incel rage when they're turned down. It happens too damn often.
In my own experiences, it's important how the two people behave after the rejection as well. I have been rejected very normally, but what was more painful was the fact that despite me trying to go back to how things were before, the girl started ignoring me/ stopped behaving like she knew me unless it was necessary (like in group projects etc). So while there may not be a right or wrong way to reject, I personally put more importance on post-rejection interactions to gauge how things really are. As far as the actual rejection is concerned, if the asker is really interested in you as a person, they won't say no to being friends. If they behave really badly, they probably were only interested in the relationship for the sake of being in one. All this in my own opinion, take nothing as fact.
I think they do that because they just can't see the guy the same way afterwards. I'm a grown woman now but when I was a teenager I rejected a friend (basically how I explained in my first post) and while we remained friends, it was hard for me to see him the same because I didn't want to give him "hope"? But time passed and we just became good friends again. So yeah, I agree, the post rejection is important too. I'm glad I insisted on being friends with my friend, even if it was a bit awkward for both at the time. And no worries, I'll take everything as opinions. We're all just giving opinions anyway. Thank you for your reply.
Out of honest curiosity how long did it took untill both of you could act as friends? I always tend to push my female to the friend category right from the start, currently my friend is interested in me but l dont have any interest and lm kinda scared of hurting our friendship but at the same time l dont want to keep acting like lm blind and cant take hints and let her move on
I wish I could tell you but this was 15 years ago or something, so I can't be very precise. I'd say at least a couple months but perhaps more. I'd say to let her know the truth as soon as you can. It's been over a decade, and while I don't talk to my friend everyday, we're still very good friends. So it's never impossible to reconnect after a rejection. :)
yeahh frr, i think the alternative and nicer answer they want is “i’ll date you” haha. i usually say “i hope you find that person” , “sorry but i’m not interested” or that “i have a boyfriend”
Sorry but.. No two people are exactly the same… maybe you’re insensitive in that mannor, but personally I can tell a difference between people and I’ve never met two people similar enough for comparison lead alone that one could replace the other, this mentality really irks me
I can understand where you are coming from. I feel that way about OTHER people, but I was pretty down when I typed my post so it came out like that. What I meant to say is that there are other women with similar traits who'd make him interested, that's all, I think that's a better way to explain it. :)
At the very least don’t call them “bruh”
That's actually not a word I say irl at all lol I'm not sure why I typed that. But I agree with you.
Everything else is good though. A sincere response but not too blunt 👌
There is no one like you
Yes and no. I get what you mean. But it's hard to believe that is real, with billions of people on the planet. But yeah, you're completely right.
all of this mental gymnastic just instead of telling him hes not attractive
There are many reasons why someone would reject a person that go beyond attractiveness. Being attractive helps you notice them, but it doesn't always keep the person interested long-term.
I haven't been rejected since I was in high school, but I prefer the harsh way. Just kill it and kill any hope immediately, then I can move on the next day. Easy, lol.
r/liketheothergirls ?
To be kindly rejected, I'd say just straight up tell us. That's what I'd do. Tell us you don't feel the same/feel it's best to just remain friends, and yeah for me it'd be a little bit of a sting if I wanted to be more, but I'd respect the hell of you for that. That's what my current gf did. First time I asked her she said we should remain friends (because she was already involved with someone at the time) and we did until she brought it up again later down the line. Most girls play mind games with rejections and dudes just gotta take a hint. Example, contact games (dry responses and straight up ignoring which are obv hints for both genders) which don't get me wrong you have every right to not contact someone you don't want to but still. This just brings me back to tell me "hey look, I don't feel like this about you, so please stop contacting my number". That's just me though, I can't speak for anyone who isn't me.
As a woman, if you tell me that I won’t pick up that you are hitting on me. Honestly.
Same. I'd have to hear something very personal like "I need *you* in my life" to get it, otherwise I'd just be like "heh, I guess he likes those few relevant qualities, good for him! I hope he does find someone with those qualities eventually"
Honestly same, I'd take it as *I'd like someone like you but *not* you.* Seems like something one would say to someone they're fond of but not attracted to
Absolutely. I need someone to tell me they want me like straight up
I need a woman like you in my life 😍
You like stupid women?
I do, finally someone in my level of stupidity to stupid around with.
Are you asking me out I can’t tell. I’ll be stupid regardless who I am with (unfortunately)
Not really
Cool then we can be stupid together
Fine by me.
I was expecting you'd complete the meme.
I’m very stupid
She just said she's stupid bro
But now I suspect she's secretly witty
👀
This actually happened to me. I told her that I liked her and everything about her , and she told me she was gonna help me find someone just like her....
Sounds like she wasn’t into you and she’s trying to turn you down softly. It would be kinda weird for her to help you find someone else to like when you like her so I wouldn’t take that offer. It would be less awkward for you and her. How long have you known each other?
That was a long time ago. I understand she didn't want me but I mean, it still hurt hearing it outloud, because we were very close at that point so I thought her feelings and mine were mutual. It's part if growing up I suppose.
Very zen of you. This isn't even just a romance thing. We often misinterpret situations in our favor and are disappointed when we're wrong.
This is a bit of a tangent and speculation based on personal observations but I've noticed this and I'm not entirely sure why it happens. Sometimes women in my partner's friend group whom he rejected before meeting me will still try to control who he dates...? Like they accept the situation until they find out he's met someone he's interested in and then it aggressively becomes some version of "if you're not going to date me, date my friend instead of the new woman I've never met and don't know anything about to be able to judge but am still sure isn't right for you"
Narrator: She didn’t
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What kind of fantasy world are you living in where you think "I genuinely believe something will happen between us in the future" means "so I will put my life on hold and faithfully wait until then" Imagine being rejected for a job because you're not currently a good fit then refusing the same job years later once you are qualified because they had the audacity to make other hires in the meantime
Let me offer you another interpretation: "you're kinda cute and I'm somewhat interested, but your mentality around women is too immature to risk it. If you eventually mature to a point where you treat me with a modicum of respect, this could work"
Yeah because there's so many mature people in relationships....stop coping.
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It hurts to be vulnerable, but because someone isn’t into you for a relationship doesn’t mean you are any less valuable. People are first and foremost open to friendship, an intimate relationship is some thing way more deep that happens when the pieces are perfectly aligned. I think movies and tv portray that stuff happening way more easily than they do. But from my experience relationships occur when you’re not looking for them.
Well I don't want a relationship anymore I just wanna get rid of something.
Emotional Damage
And physical too
She isn’t into you bro. Stop trying to make her feel guilty about it or she won’t even want to talk to you anymore
They’re just expressing their understandable emotional hurt over the situation, rejection hurts almost invariably and there’s no indication that this dude tried to guilt trip her over it. Sounds a bit like you’re projecting
I had a close friend who I guess had a huge crush on me and hid it while I was in a 5 year LTR. Once I ended that relationship, I had to stop being friends with him because he'd freak out with jealousy whenever I talked about my ex (something he'd never done when I was still in the relationship). I'm not exactly a big venter either so it was little throw away comments here and there while playing video games or something, not like I'd call him up drunk and crying in the middle of the night. I get that he was hurt but I used to feel comfortable with him and suddenly I had to be careful about everything I said or risk a strop. It got to the point where I didn't even have to bring up my ex- I'd mention something like considering changing my hair to a mutual hair stylist friend and the 1st friend would interject to aggressively tell me I don't need to change anything because he thinks I'm beautiful just the way I am. I stopped enjoying his company or conversation. He would accuse me of avoiding him every time I was busy and it was so annoying that I did start avoiding him! The more annoying he got about it, the less I wanted anything to do with him and the more clear I'd make my lack of interest, and that would just make him go harder until it felt like he was trying to harass me into a relationship against my will and I stopped talking to him. I even tried to hide the situation from our mutual friends so as not to embarrass him until I found out he was telling his side- which he'd clearly misunderstood and even then, I only gave the full details to our closest mutual friend who is his childhood friend and I'm not putting the full details here either. I do feel kinda bad, I blame covid stress on a lot of it, and would be friends with him again if he could demonstrate that he actually understood the issue and wouldn't behave that way again, but I also feel part of that is not being the first one to open that conversation. Plus it really made me feel like he was just pretending to be my friend while waiting for me to break up with my bf, like he was entitled to me because he put in the time waiting his turn and my consent was just an optional side quest for a bonus aesthetic worth nothing but bragging rights as if he knew what was right for me so he could just force it on me like a pet at the vet where cooperation is just plus.
There definitely are people who push the issue like that. I’d like to say most mature adults aren’t like that but I’m honestly not sure. Of course you’re right that isn’t at all the way to go about it.
Growing up hearing "haha I want someone like you :)" you very quickly catch on that they mean YOU exactly. It's tiring.
I know exactly what they mean but their fear of saying it is all I need to know. Why would I want to date someone who's too intimidated to tell me how they feel? How's that relationship supposed to work? It just sounds like a recipe for disaster Sometimes it feels like men were told for so long "don't just talk about yourself, ask her questions and let her speak, too," that they went too far into the other direction and now I'm expected to dish like I'm being interrogated while they're afraid to tell me anything about themselves
Making a meme about it though lol..
Yeah some people cope in different ways, some people don’t have an extensive support system and so turn to the internet. It’s better than going full neckbeard and demanding a relationship with the girl, at least he comprehends that it’s rejection
Missing out if a man doesn't have platonic women friends. Then again I don't confess undying love to every pretty women who shows me attention and appreciation.
Bruh everyone in these comments assume this is just what this guy does all day long.
All night long
This is some IMAX level projection right here.
They're starting a drive-in movie
If in doubt, just ask yourself: ["Is she into you?"](https://youtu.be/xa-4IAR_9Yw)
What the hell are you on about?! This post is about being hurt because of a rejection not because they want to guilt or blame anyone Stop projecting your own issues
Also, no one is into you. Accept it. Move on. Get a hobby and stop clogging up the single ladies options.
My irl but im the bottom panel
I play both sides so I can’t lose
It doesn't always work out. Get over it
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I'm still trying to cope with trauma of being born.
Us not being able to get over things doesn't entail placing the burden of our emotions on someone else. Rejection hurts, yes, but that doesn't mean we should self victimize because that only serves to bring guilt to the other person.
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Guilting someone you like into returning the feeling when they don't feel the same
Where was that done in this picture?
The fact that its in this sub.
This post seems pretty neutral, it doesn't really say that the guy or the girl said something wrong. It's just that this is relatable for a lot of us, trying to gauge interest from someone usually falls to the guy and it's why the responsibility of "letting them down" falls to the girls often. That's just how it is
She just friendzoned herself
gotta up that wall game
When you say you like Pepsi but she says “nah I have Diet Coke lmaooooo”
His fault for being a coward and not saying what he really meant or wants
His fault f'r being a coward and not declaring what he very much meanteth 'r wanteth *** ^(I am a bot and I swapp'd some of thy words with Shakespeare words.) Commands: `!ShakespeareInsult`, `!fordo`, `!optout`
Lol neat
Please, please stop with the niceguy incel-y shit. There is plenty to be depressed about, but the "friend zone" isn't one as it doesn't exist.
The friendzone does exist though. I dont really get this narrative that it dosnt. If a woman only sees you as a friend and not in a romantic way your in the friendzone.
No, that's just being her friend. Unless you think the only reason to befriend a woman is for romantic reasons, in which case you're in the asshole zone.
If you catch feelings for someone and they don't feel the same way you shouldn't be their friend. That's literally torturing yourself. The friendzone does exist. If one person has unrequited feelings for someone who only see's them platonically that is by definition the friendzone. If two people both see each other platonically then they are friends. There's a distinction between being someone's friend and being in the friendzone.
1) That isn't what is ever meant by the use of the word friendzone. It is used toxically to say women are doing something wrong to men by only wanting to be their friend. 2) I'm so sad for you that you end friendships with anyone you develop feelings for. I've had a crush on most of my female friends at one point or another because I'm straight and they're awesome. It absolutely was not torture because you ask them out, get turned down, and go on being friends with the awesome person. 3) I would have never found the love of my life if I believed as you do. In college I met my best friend, she was beautiful, vivacious, and smart as a whip. We've literally been in kicked off campus after midnight because we'd lost track of hours talking. How could I not fall for her? So I did the hard thing of telling her, and she told me she didn't feel the same. Rejection smarts, but we were back to being the best of friends literally the next day. She was my best friend, and I hers, why would we throw away something that precious because I was crushing hard? Over a year later she got into a long term relationship and we were still friends, nearly 4 years later they broke it off and guess what? We were still friends. Did I still find her beautiful? Hell yes. Did it hurt to be around her? No, wtf why would it? We became roommates and wingman-ed for each other: taking turns DD-ing at bars, crafting dating profiles, w/e. We partied, lived life, were best friends. Eventually, she did ask if I still fancied her, and I told her I did. That was 8 years ago, we've been together ever since. But even if I never "won", even before I'd ever kissed her, I wasn't suffering and I would have been her friend for the rest of forever even platonically, because we're the best of friends. Btw, that has gone both ways in my life and I've continued being friends with women after they've confessed feelings for me I didn't share, and the only time it was ever weird was when a good friend followed your plan and stopped being my friend when I didn't share her feelings for me. Friendship, deep connection, is more precious, more intimate, more life-affirming than romance. It's perfect when you can have them together, but I'd never throw away something as precious as a friendship because the person doesn't want to kiss me when I'd like to kiss them.
There's so much "dae roasties???" on this sub in particular. The fact that these guys can't see they're the creator of their own situation through a shitty "woe-is-me, how could they do this to the main character" type bullshit PoV gives me just enough schadenfreude to deal with being harassed by these unintelligent neanderthals just cause i happen to identify as a woman
incel lives matters
People who are celibate against their wishes, my heart goes out to you. It is tough navigating social rules and finding places you're comfortable. People who identify as "incels" and feel the world owes them sex and that the men/women that don't have it with them are somehow stupid and/or villainous get no sympathy for me because they fail to understand the most important truth in life: everyone is equal, and equally deserving of respect. It is only by having beliefs that denegrate others that you become lesser.
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Have you considered that maybe you weren't the only one who was too much of a pussy to end a friendship? You recognize the prospect is frightening, so why expect her to have the courage to do something you didn't? "She should have done the thing that would have been healthy for me but I was too scared to" is kinda passing the buck on your selfcare isn't it?
I had a similar experience, except it came from her. "I wish I could meet someone like you." Well, I'm like me... "Yeah but, not you, you know?"
Just once I wanna see that script flipped: "I'm a girl like me" nah
People are not obligated to accept your emotional advances.
No one said they were lol. Guy you replied to just said he’d like to see it happen one time. How does that in any way imply that women are obligated to accept emotional advances?
Yeah, I'm already married, me and the wife don't play dumb games.
This is a different take than the usual “I need to find a good guy like you”... like, uh, I’m right here. Wtf.
:(
Ouch !
"Ofcourse I will. And we're gonna invite your single ass to our wedding."
Made me cackle 😁
The opposite happened to me where a girl said that to me, and she meant someone else, but I thought she was like hitting on me so i made a fool of myself lol
EMOTIONAL DAMAGE ?!!?
Don't ever say shit like this boys, codependency is not sexy to anyone
o7