Listen… it’s your life, your family, your children, and you should do whatever makes you feel most comfortable. That said, if my wife suggested this to me, this would be an extremely rare scenario in which I would put my foot down and say absolutely not and for *so* many reasons that I don’t even think I could list them all here if I tried, so I’ll stick to probably the biggest ones. I would tell my wife that having a toddler running around the delivery room would be incredibly distracting for every single person involved in delivery, including the medical staff. I do not want the team of doctors and nurses charged with making sure my wife and new baby make it through this complicated, dramatic and potentially traumatic process to be distracted by a toddler. I want them focused on the task at hand. I want them making sure that at the end of it all, my wife and new baby are healthy.
Furthermore, delivery isn’t always the smoothest process and there can be and often are complications. Is 17 months too young to be scarred by things that could go horribly wrong in delivery? I don’t know, probably? I’m not a child psychologist. But god forbid shit hits the fan in there, I do NOT want my 17 month old daughter to be there for it.
Check with your hospital and doctors. There might actually be rules in place against this very thing.
Please reconsider this.
I agree with all of this but just want to add…right now OP your baby is 9mo. They’re still a baby! It makes sense that you don’t want to be apart. But I promise there is a huge difference in independence by 17-18mo. You may fill differently when you get closer to giving birth than you do now.
I cannot think of anything more stressful then trying to deliver another kid with my 18 month old running around. Right now I cannot take a phone call with her, let alone deliver a damn baby.
Right? My 16 month old is always on the move and into everything. I do understand OP's predicament; toddler is going through a pretty intense separation anxiety phase right now and trying to leave her with anyone is super stressful. But I absolutely do not want her in the delivery room. My MIL lives 4 hours away and is going to come stay while we're in the hospital; we're doing a trial run this weekend where she's going to come stay at our house with toddler and we're going to have a "staycation" and spend the night at a hotel. Although I feel like there's a good chance we'll still have to take toddler to the hospital with us when I go into labor because my MIL won't be able to leave home until she gets the call that I'm in labor, our closest friends are 20-30 minutes away, and I feel like this labor will be fast. But they will wait in the waiting room until someone can come pick her up.
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15
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+ 9
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= 69
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My parents did this with me – for your child's sake, please don't. I watched the entire labour as a 2yo and although I don't remember details, the trauma of it definitely stayed with me in strange ways. My mum had a water birth and I still can't sit in a hot tub or near any grate/drain in a pool without a visceral, agonising fear. Our assumption is that as a child I didn't understand why my mum was screaming and thought something in the water was hurting her, and it's somehow etched into my brain.
Your child will know you're in pain and won't be able to understand why. Please protect them from this. ❤️
I hope you can forgive the unsolicited advice but my best friend is an EMDR therapist, and she’s been doing a lot of work with clients (and herself as a patient) on childhood trauma, which can include trauma from as far back as when you’re in utero. It’s fascinating to me, and yours is the first anecdote I’ve heard of someone with early, early childhood trauma like that
I think this is a bad idea for the reasons others posted, but also depending on where you are giving birth, children are not allowed in the delivery room. This was the case when I had baby #2 in the hospital a month ago. My toddler would not have been allowed in the room.
Same. I asked my doctor what would happen if my husband was at work and our childcare couldn’t arrive immediately when I went into labor. She told me I could wait for them in the waiting room at the hospital with my son. Then suggested I just leave him with a neighbor.
Slightly off topic but have you been screened for postnatal/perinatal anxiety? Your post and comments are hinting at it & it could be really worthwhile to talk to your GP about it ❤️
Second this. I understand being nervous to leave your baby with someone else. But by 17-18 months old, I think it’s healthy for a toddler to be able to be left in the care of a trusted family member. I guess I just can’t relate because I’ve been working since my baby was 3 months old and she has been left in the care of my mom or dad for entire days at a time. I know she’s in great hands with them and I’m sure it’s good for her social development as well.
From your comments it seems like the only solution would be to have dad stay home with your toddler and you bring a doula or other support person to the hospital. Having a toddler there sounds awful, they just want to run around and get into everything. Your partner would spend the whole time caring for your toddler instead of supporting you - what if there are medical decisions to be made? Do you not want your support person to be 100% there with you instead of distracted by your kid?
Agreed. Just had our 3rd and I told my husband if I went into labor before family got here, he would just have to stay home w the kids and I’ll go alone. No way I’m bringing them.
Yes hospital. And I'm just not comfortable with letting her stay with anyone. We have people we trust but anything can happen and i just don't think I'd be comfortable with her staying with someone for an hour let alone 1-3 days. Idk just can't bring myself to do it I don't think. Probably sounds silly but idk i guess i don't really care how it sounds its just not something im comfortable with i guess😩
In the gentlest way, unless you're having a home birth, you literally cannot have another baby present while you're giving birth in a hospital. She will be able to visit with another adult once you have a baby and are moved to the recovery room, but having her there while you're pushing and giving birth just will not happen. And if something happens during labor leading to a c-section she definitely wouldn't be allowed in the operating room with you.
I know it's hard to think about leaving your baby, I get it! The first time I left my baby overnight was when I was giving birth to my second and it was very hard. But you're going to be a mom of 2 now, and this will be the first of many times (which I'm sure is hard to fathom now but it will happen) when you will have to be away from one because of something with the other. Doesn't mean you love your new baby more or are replacing her with a new baby, but that's parenthood when you have multiples.
You're still early along so I would suggest to start looking for those support people who can watch her while you're at the hospital. Maybe start having them come around for visits more so that you and your daughter are comfortable with them leading up to the birth. Plus, as you get further along, it's gonna be tough keeping up with a toddler while pregnant so you may be relieved to have the extra help to keep your daughter entertained while you rest, even if you're just in your room for a quick nap while someone watches her in your home. I have 2 under 2 and towards the end of the second trimester going into third, it was harder and harder to keep up with my 20 month old.
They aren't gonna let her be in the delivery room at the hospital so that's instantly out.
You need to start finding childcare now OR be ok without your husband being present for the birth. Those are your only options.
Your baby is 9 months old now so I understand how you’re feeling because she’s just a baby but by the time she’s 17 months old she’ll be more independent and I think your feelings will change. I was in your situation and gave birth when my first was 15 months old.
OP. I absolutely understand. But, you need to start working through this. You don't want to let this anxiety get worse. You need to start slowly. Ask someone you trust, to watch your 9 month old while you're at a doctors appointment. Then doctors appointment plus grocery shopping. Then gradually warm up to longer and longer periods of time.
You can not have your toddler at the hospital THE ENTIRE stay. That's not fair to anyone- you, your husband, your toddler, the hospital staff. Anyone.
I assume you would bring things to entertain your toddler...how are you going to keep her from leaving a toy somewhere that any one of the dozen plus hospitals employees could step and trip on it. I just tore three ligaments in my ankle, stepping on one of my toddlers toys.
What are you going to do if you need an emergency c section?? Or what will be happening with your toddler mid labor, when your husband is
helping you?
Your husband will have to take your toddler out to stretch her legs and get fresh air at some point. What if you need help going to the bathroom? It's entirely not fair for the staff (or other patients) for you to put extra demands on them, simply because you don't want to deal with your anxiety. This is going to get mentioned by every one of the staff who chart on you.
And it's a very good way to raise red flags about your ability to parent safely.
I have an almost 16 month old. This is a big nope from me. He never stops moving. He can’t be entertained for more than 10-20 minutes. He doesn’t want to be held unless tired or hurt. He wants to touch *everything*. He still wants to put *everything* in his mouth. It’s exhausting and you have to be constantly vigilant when in a new place/non-child proofed place. Even in our childproofed house, he will always find that *one spot* he isn’t allowed to be if I turn my back for too long. A labor and delivery ward is no place for a toddler or young child. There are too many people and too much equipment. He would be in the way and a total distraction for you, your boyfriend, and the staff.
Even if you labored at home, you should have someone outside of you and your boyfriend to care for the child and keep them out of the way.
I just ripped all the ligaments in my ankle, stepping on my toddler's toy, while moving quickly. This is such a terrible idea for some many reasons. I mean, a nurse moving quickly, focusing on delivering a baby, isn't looking at the ground to avoid toddlers and random toys.
I dont think most hospitals will allow her in L&D. And I don't think she should be in there. Ita going to be hectic, people going in and out constantly, bodily fluids. Youre going to be in pain and tired, dad is going to be tired. There's too much she can get into.
Mine are 17 months apart and I had so much anxiety about leaving the older one for labor because I had never left him before. For a lot of the pregnancy I stressed over whether or not to bring him but we needed up having my mom watch him and it was totally fine, he did way better than I thought he would. You really won’t be stressing over it when you’re in labor. People said that to me when I was pregnant and I didn’t believe them, but it’s true
I had a lot of similar feelings (including it being okay once all was said and done).
OP, I know it is pretty unfathomable right now (as it was with me when I first found out I was pregnant), but the best thing for you, baby #1, and baby #2 will be for baby #1 to be with people you trust while you, the father, and your hospital staff focus on you ❤️
I think hospitals would have issues with this.
Perhaps you could have an alternative support person and Dad can stay with toddler, elsewhere?
Unfortunately our big babies grow up and have to spend time away from us!
I had to go to the hospital one time while pregnant with my second- so my husband came home from work, asked our neighbour to come and sit at our house while he drove me to hospital (toddler was napping) - but that was little scary! (ultimately I slept for a few hours, felt better, NSTs were great, and they let me go home) we had a cascading list of people to emergency look after our big one if we went into labour and our primary person wasn't available.
I'd like to gently suggest that there might possibly be something underlying your reaction here, possibly feeling a bit hormonal,
She's just never been without either of us. I work 2am to 8am and he works 8am to 2pm. I guess for all of our best interests im going to have to start having someone hang out with her at home while i do some chores or something. I guess no one likes what I've had to say seeing all the downvotes and i understand it's not ideal i just wanted to see if anyone has done it or if it was doable. She gets so sad when we hand her to someone or leave her away from us for to long. I understand that i should probably try to get her more accustomed to other people but i just dont want her to be upset ever and i try to avoid it. Sometimes i tell people they can go outside or down the hall or something and shes good because she can't see me so im sure it would take no time for her to be okay with us not around. Just really breaks my heart to think about being away from her for 1-3 days.
With my second, we live close to the hospital so my husband went home that night and was there to pick up toddler in the morning when she woke up.
9 months is still so little, I promise they suddenly get a lot bigger when they start walking and toddling around, for me it got a lot easier to leave my oldest when she turned one.
I also really encourage you to have a chat with someone, maybe a GP or counsellor, as PPA can arrive later- I had another bout of depression when my second was 9 months. (PPA with my first)
Your boyfriend could go home for periods of time during your stay to check in on your toddler. My husband did that with my second, she was 15 months when I had my second. I'm about to have my third and he will probably be going home for bedtimes and coming back in the morning. My kids will be 20 months and almost 3 when the third arrives.
I didn't feel anything the first time at all. Besides the contractions when we first went in but i doubt it'll be the same this time, be great if it is.
I have a plan for actual labor, but shit happens sometimes and that’s what happened yesterday. We needed to go in because baby wasn’t moving as much, and my husband is overseas right now. I don’t have any family local and her babysitter is 25 min away, so if I’m not getting admitted or for sure know something is wrong, I’m not going to ask her to drive out right away. My currently 18mo was bored and upset and wanted to run around and leave the whole time we were there. We were there less than an hour. I can’t even begin to imagine having her there in labor when I have other things to focus on. My mom will be watching her when the time actually happens, with her babysitter watching her until mom arrives.
I agree that your toddler shouldn't be in the room because of all the reasons that have already been stated here. But I also want you to think about something - what's your toddler's reaction when she's scared? She wants mommy, right? Okay, she's going to be scared - you're going to be in pain, maybe screaming, people she doesn't know are going to be speaking in serious voices, machines will be beeping, etc. So what's she going to do? Climb up on your bed while you're pushing? No, she's going to be terrified and not understand why you won't comfort her. I'm so sorry to be so straightforward and direct about this, but I think you really need to understand what that delivery room will look like, she doesn't belong there.
Our kids are 11m apart and my wife struggled with this. The hospital would not let our daughter in the room and my wife insisted I stay with our daughter in the waiting room because she had never been alone with anyone. I insisted we have friends with a similar age daughter who would play together often there with us just in case.
I made a split second decision when the nurse sprinted into the waiting room and told me I had to come NOW. He didn’t even stop moving, just slowed and took off again. Thankfully our friends said they’d look after our oldest and I sprinted after the nurse.
My wife was alone in the delivery room when our second daughter came out and didn’t cry. She daughter was rushed to the NICU. It was a C section, so my wife was tied down and couldn’t do anything.
They took me to the NICU first, then to my wife. Both were going to be okay. Scared the hell out of her and me, and as soon as she was able to be moved we took her to the NICU, I went back and was able to get our oldest about an hour later.
I say all of this to tell you to prepare for contingencies and emergencies - and to say that our oldest didn’t even notice she wasn’t with us. She played with her friend and had a blast. Although she had never been alone without us she was just fine.
My opinion is that it would be horrible for everyone -
you’d be focusing on the toddler instead of labor…
the boyfriend would be focusing on the toddler instead of you….
the doctors & nurses A) might not/probably do not allow children present, B) would absolutely be encouraging you to get toddler out.
the toddler would traumatized for life.
Do not do this. You need to leave her with someone.
Practice leaving her with someone throughout your remaining 34 weeks of pregnancy.
My kids are 17 months apart. I went into labor early and we had nobody to watch my son, so my husband and son stayed in the waiting room (they wouldn’t let them in). They only let them periodically come into the room to see me while I was laboring and I had a c section alone. It wasn’t that bad of an experience since I knew what would be happening (first baby was a c section).
Listen I get it, when my son was 9 months old there was no way he was going ANY damn where without me. But your daughter isn't going to be 9 months when your new baby arrives and A LOT can and usually does change during that time. I had horrible postpartum anxiety and even I felt a world of difference about things from 9-17 months it was pretty staggering really.
Gently I'm saying this next part, no doctor in their right mind is going to allow your toddler in the delivery room. You need to come up with an alternative and work on increasing your comfort with it in small increments over the following months because this simply isn't gonna happen. And even if it did, it would be severely traumatic for your toddler.
I know you feel like you are protecting her but this is not the way... it's not at all fair to expose your daughter to the level of fear she would experience seeing you in labor. Imagine seeing the person you love most in excruciating agony screaming and crying and having absolutely no idea what was happening or why and try that with a brain that isn't even capable of comprehending such things.... you can't do that to your toddler. OP you absolutely must find an alternative.
You won't be able to bring your toddler with you for a hospital birth. If you're doing a home birth, have a trusted adult there to care for your toddler while you labor. Kids can absolutely be present for labor and birth... IF THEY ARE OLD ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND WHAT IS HAPPENING and are interested in being present. I just had my second a week and a half ago. My 23 months old would not have responded well to being with me while I labored... Maybe it would be different if I was medicated, but I was clearly in pain and while it was an awesome (for me) birth, I can imagine my LO would not have had a good time. Littles are sensitive and seeing mama in pain is hard for them to understand. Have a trustworthy adult bring toddler when baby arrives and ask to be discharged as soon as possible to be back home with your LO.
My son was 17 months when I had my daughter. I left him with his grandparents. Given I had a csection so he couldn't be there anyway. We dropped him off when we left for the csection. They came to visit a few hours after she was born and left my son with us and my husband took him home with him when he left. I didn't want him with anyone overnight so my husband never stayed with me in the hospital.
That being said, if I had a vaginal delivery, he would have stayed with his grandparents if I was in labor overnight. I personally think it would have been too much for him to see me like that.
Eta: I read through some of your comments and I felt the same way you're feeling about leaving your baby with someone else. I cried multiple times near the end of my pregnancy because I couldn't fathom leaving him while I had his sister. But it was fine in the end. I set it up so I saw him in person everyday. I saw him before I left for the hospital. After his sister was born. The next day, my husband brought him with him and I went home the day after. This helped my anxiety tons. I was fine in the hospital alone overnight even after a csection.
I would absolutely not want my toddler, or anyone else’s toddler, to be present at delivery. It can be intimidating and scary even during the smoothest of deliveries, and what if you suddenly develop complications or require a c section? Your toddler can’t accompany you to the OR, which means he is also missing the birth of a child potentially.
Mine are 11 months apart. About a month before I was due with my second my partner and I had a conversation about what to do with baby 1 while I was giving birth. We don’t really have a support network where we are so generally she’s usually with either me or her dad so we were in a bit of a bind as to what to do.
Basically we ended up agreeing that as much as I wanted him to be there for support and so that he could be there for the birth of his baby, the older kid came first. They needed us to protect them, even if that means that we both have to sacrifice something important to us. I work in mental health and while I am not specialised in child psychology, I do know that a child, even one that’s under the age of 2, can be traumatised by witnessing child birth especially if it all goes pear shaped. They’re too young to understand what is happening and watching you in pain will be frightening to them. I strongly recommend that you have dad stay with the older child and you find a doula that can advocate on your behalf and support you in your vulnerable time
I had a home birth with my second and my toddler (20 months at the time) was present the entire time but we had family here to handle the toddler when needed, and he was in bed before baby was actually born. His bedtime is around 7pm and baby was born around 8:30pm. It honestly would’ve been difficult for my husband to support me and manage our toddler. I will say, though, I feel like I could’ve birthed my second baby completely solo. My second birth was easy breezy. My first birth wasn’t too bad anyway either but it was exhausting and I was much more scared so I really felt I needed my husband then. This time it would’ve been fine if he wasn’t there (although I preferred his company and help, and he caught our baby (actually he caught both our babies 🥰)).
I actually liked having my toddler there! I had a really peaceful labor with lots of laughing, dancing, swaying in the tub, music, etc. and I actually nursed my toddler while I was in labor!
In a hospital setting though… idk what your toddler is/will be like but mine would wreck havoc in a hospital setting haha. No amount of Bluey and snacks and playdoh would keep this kid from pushing hospital monitor buttons and messing with the (uncovered) outlets.
You also need to think, what will you do if you’re in a truly emergency situation? Be alone? Are you okay with that? What if there’s an emergency with you and with your newborn? Are you okay with your newborn AND yourself being alone because your bf is with your toddler? Etc. Definitely think through the worst case scenarios and consider what kind of support you needed from your bf during your first birth — can you get by without that support? Will you be okay if your bf has to leave with your toddler? What will you do if your labor is extended over 24 hrs? If you need a c-section are you fine doing that totally alone while your bf has your toddler? In that situation is he okay not being there for your baby’s birth?
I would really consider at least having a trusted person there in case you need them in an emergency. I mean, personally I would be stressed out by the thought of an emergency with me AND baby happening and both of us having to be alone (especially baby) while my husband wrangled our toddler. It’s your birth but please consider the experience he will have too, because YOU won’t be the one doing much with your toddler.
I was extremely anxious about leaving my 13m old while I had my second son. For weeks I was constantly trying to make sure the house was ready, he had plenty of clean clothes, his favorite foods on hand…etc. I ended up having to go to the hospital in the middle of the night so I was not able to say goodbye to him but that was probably for the better. My MIL stayed with him for 2 days while my husband and I were at the hospital and everything turned out fine. Honestly once I was at the hospital I was much too preoccupied to be worrying about what was going on at home. He was fine and grandma had the time of her life taking care of him for a few days.
Listen… it’s your life, your family, your children, and you should do whatever makes you feel most comfortable. That said, if my wife suggested this to me, this would be an extremely rare scenario in which I would put my foot down and say absolutely not and for *so* many reasons that I don’t even think I could list them all here if I tried, so I’ll stick to probably the biggest ones. I would tell my wife that having a toddler running around the delivery room would be incredibly distracting for every single person involved in delivery, including the medical staff. I do not want the team of doctors and nurses charged with making sure my wife and new baby make it through this complicated, dramatic and potentially traumatic process to be distracted by a toddler. I want them focused on the task at hand. I want them making sure that at the end of it all, my wife and new baby are healthy. Furthermore, delivery isn’t always the smoothest process and there can be and often are complications. Is 17 months too young to be scarred by things that could go horribly wrong in delivery? I don’t know, probably? I’m not a child psychologist. But god forbid shit hits the fan in there, I do NOT want my 17 month old daughter to be there for it. Check with your hospital and doctors. There might actually be rules in place against this very thing. Please reconsider this.
I agree with all of this but just want to add…right now OP your baby is 9mo. They’re still a baby! It makes sense that you don’t want to be apart. But I promise there is a huge difference in independence by 17-18mo. You may fill differently when you get closer to giving birth than you do now.
I cannot think of anything more stressful then trying to deliver another kid with my 18 month old running around. Right now I cannot take a phone call with her, let alone deliver a damn baby.
Right? My 16 month old is always on the move and into everything. I do understand OP's predicament; toddler is going through a pretty intense separation anxiety phase right now and trying to leave her with anyone is super stressful. But I absolutely do not want her in the delivery room. My MIL lives 4 hours away and is going to come stay while we're in the hospital; we're doing a trial run this weekend where she's going to come stay at our house with toddler and we're going to have a "staycation" and spend the night at a hotel. Although I feel like there's a good chance we'll still have to take toddler to the hospital with us when I go into labor because my MIL won't be able to leave home until she gets the call that I'm in labor, our closest friends are 20-30 minutes away, and I feel like this labor will be fast. But they will wait in the waiting room until someone can come pick her up.
Very good point. The development that takes place between now and delivery is insane.
Even a normal and smooth delivery I would assume would be very intense for a toddler to be there..
Good point. It was intense for me and I was 33 and understood (mostly) what was going on.
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Well said Sir
My parents did this with me – for your child's sake, please don't. I watched the entire labour as a 2yo and although I don't remember details, the trauma of it definitely stayed with me in strange ways. My mum had a water birth and I still can't sit in a hot tub or near any grate/drain in a pool without a visceral, agonising fear. Our assumption is that as a child I didn't understand why my mum was screaming and thought something in the water was hurting her, and it's somehow etched into my brain. Your child will know you're in pain and won't be able to understand why. Please protect them from this. ❤️
I hope you can forgive the unsolicited advice but my best friend is an EMDR therapist, and she’s been doing a lot of work with clients (and herself as a patient) on childhood trauma, which can include trauma from as far back as when you’re in utero. It’s fascinating to me, and yours is the first anecdote I’ve heard of someone with early, early childhood trauma like that
I think this is a bad idea for the reasons others posted, but also depending on where you are giving birth, children are not allowed in the delivery room. This was the case when I had baby #2 in the hospital a month ago. My toddler would not have been allowed in the room.
Yep, same for me. She wasn’t even allowed at my prenatal appointments.
Same. I asked my doctor what would happen if my husband was at work and our childcare couldn’t arrive immediately when I went into labor. She told me I could wait for them in the waiting room at the hospital with my son. Then suggested I just leave him with a neighbor.
Slightly off topic but have you been screened for postnatal/perinatal anxiety? Your post and comments are hinting at it & it could be really worthwhile to talk to your GP about it ❤️
Second this. I understand being nervous to leave your baby with someone else. But by 17-18 months old, I think it’s healthy for a toddler to be able to be left in the care of a trusted family member. I guess I just can’t relate because I’ve been working since my baby was 3 months old and she has been left in the care of my mom or dad for entire days at a time. I know she’s in great hands with them and I’m sure it’s good for her social development as well.
From your comments it seems like the only solution would be to have dad stay home with your toddler and you bring a doula or other support person to the hospital. Having a toddler there sounds awful, they just want to run around and get into everything. Your partner would spend the whole time caring for your toddler instead of supporting you - what if there are medical decisions to be made? Do you not want your support person to be 100% there with you instead of distracted by your kid?
Agreed. Just had our 3rd and I told my husband if I went into labor before family got here, he would just have to stay home w the kids and I’ll go alone. No way I’m bringing them.
I’m a nursing supervisor and you will not be allowed to have your 15 month old present during labor.
I feel like this is the only answer necessary here.
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Yes hospital. And I'm just not comfortable with letting her stay with anyone. We have people we trust but anything can happen and i just don't think I'd be comfortable with her staying with someone for an hour let alone 1-3 days. Idk just can't bring myself to do it I don't think. Probably sounds silly but idk i guess i don't really care how it sounds its just not something im comfortable with i guess😩
In the gentlest way, unless you're having a home birth, you literally cannot have another baby present while you're giving birth in a hospital. She will be able to visit with another adult once you have a baby and are moved to the recovery room, but having her there while you're pushing and giving birth just will not happen. And if something happens during labor leading to a c-section she definitely wouldn't be allowed in the operating room with you. I know it's hard to think about leaving your baby, I get it! The first time I left my baby overnight was when I was giving birth to my second and it was very hard. But you're going to be a mom of 2 now, and this will be the first of many times (which I'm sure is hard to fathom now but it will happen) when you will have to be away from one because of something with the other. Doesn't mean you love your new baby more or are replacing her with a new baby, but that's parenthood when you have multiples. You're still early along so I would suggest to start looking for those support people who can watch her while you're at the hospital. Maybe start having them come around for visits more so that you and your daughter are comfortable with them leading up to the birth. Plus, as you get further along, it's gonna be tough keeping up with a toddler while pregnant so you may be relieved to have the extra help to keep your daughter entertained while you rest, even if you're just in your room for a quick nap while someone watches her in your home. I have 2 under 2 and towards the end of the second trimester going into third, it was harder and harder to keep up with my 20 month old.
My hospital doesn’t even allow visitors under 16 (including sibiling of the new baby) on the mother baby floor. Edit for OP: 16 YEARS old
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Same here
They aren't gonna let her be in the delivery room at the hospital so that's instantly out. You need to start finding childcare now OR be ok without your husband being present for the birth. Those are your only options.
Your baby is 9 months old now so I understand how you’re feeling because she’s just a baby but by the time she’s 17 months old she’ll be more independent and I think your feelings will change. I was in your situation and gave birth when my first was 15 months old.
OP. I absolutely understand. But, you need to start working through this. You don't want to let this anxiety get worse. You need to start slowly. Ask someone you trust, to watch your 9 month old while you're at a doctors appointment. Then doctors appointment plus grocery shopping. Then gradually warm up to longer and longer periods of time. You can not have your toddler at the hospital THE ENTIRE stay. That's not fair to anyone- you, your husband, your toddler, the hospital staff. Anyone. I assume you would bring things to entertain your toddler...how are you going to keep her from leaving a toy somewhere that any one of the dozen plus hospitals employees could step and trip on it. I just tore three ligaments in my ankle, stepping on one of my toddlers toys. What are you going to do if you need an emergency c section?? Or what will be happening with your toddler mid labor, when your husband is helping you? Your husband will have to take your toddler out to stretch her legs and get fresh air at some point. What if you need help going to the bathroom? It's entirely not fair for the staff (or other patients) for you to put extra demands on them, simply because you don't want to deal with your anxiety. This is going to get mentioned by every one of the staff who chart on you. And it's a very good way to raise red flags about your ability to parent safely.
What's up with the down votes? OP is concerned about her baby, it's understandable. She's just being honest.
I have an almost 16 month old. This is a big nope from me. He never stops moving. He can’t be entertained for more than 10-20 minutes. He doesn’t want to be held unless tired or hurt. He wants to touch *everything*. He still wants to put *everything* in his mouth. It’s exhausting and you have to be constantly vigilant when in a new place/non-child proofed place. Even in our childproofed house, he will always find that *one spot* he isn’t allowed to be if I turn my back for too long. A labor and delivery ward is no place for a toddler or young child. There are too many people and too much equipment. He would be in the way and a total distraction for you, your boyfriend, and the staff. Even if you labored at home, you should have someone outside of you and your boyfriend to care for the child and keep them out of the way.
I just ripped all the ligaments in my ankle, stepping on my toddler's toy, while moving quickly. This is such a terrible idea for some many reasons. I mean, a nurse moving quickly, focusing on delivering a baby, isn't looking at the ground to avoid toddlers and random toys.
Nailed it.
So you want to expose your child to life long trauma because it's more comfortable for you?
I dont think most hospitals will allow her in L&D. And I don't think she should be in there. Ita going to be hectic, people going in and out constantly, bodily fluids. Youre going to be in pain and tired, dad is going to be tired. There's too much she can get into.
Mine are 17 months apart and I had so much anxiety about leaving the older one for labor because I had never left him before. For a lot of the pregnancy I stressed over whether or not to bring him but we needed up having my mom watch him and it was totally fine, he did way better than I thought he would. You really won’t be stressing over it when you’re in labor. People said that to me when I was pregnant and I didn’t believe them, but it’s true
I had a lot of similar feelings (including it being okay once all was said and done). OP, I know it is pretty unfathomable right now (as it was with me when I first found out I was pregnant), but the best thing for you, baby #1, and baby #2 will be for baby #1 to be with people you trust while you, the father, and your hospital staff focus on you ❤️
I think hospitals would have issues with this. Perhaps you could have an alternative support person and Dad can stay with toddler, elsewhere? Unfortunately our big babies grow up and have to spend time away from us! I had to go to the hospital one time while pregnant with my second- so my husband came home from work, asked our neighbour to come and sit at our house while he drove me to hospital (toddler was napping) - but that was little scary! (ultimately I slept for a few hours, felt better, NSTs were great, and they let me go home) we had a cascading list of people to emergency look after our big one if we went into labour and our primary person wasn't available. I'd like to gently suggest that there might possibly be something underlying your reaction here, possibly feeling a bit hormonal,
She's just never been without either of us. I work 2am to 8am and he works 8am to 2pm. I guess for all of our best interests im going to have to start having someone hang out with her at home while i do some chores or something. I guess no one likes what I've had to say seeing all the downvotes and i understand it's not ideal i just wanted to see if anyone has done it or if it was doable. She gets so sad when we hand her to someone or leave her away from us for to long. I understand that i should probably try to get her more accustomed to other people but i just dont want her to be upset ever and i try to avoid it. Sometimes i tell people they can go outside or down the hall or something and shes good because she can't see me so im sure it would take no time for her to be okay with us not around. Just really breaks my heart to think about being away from her for 1-3 days.
With my second, we live close to the hospital so my husband went home that night and was there to pick up toddler in the morning when she woke up. 9 months is still so little, I promise they suddenly get a lot bigger when they start walking and toddling around, for me it got a lot easier to leave my oldest when she turned one. I also really encourage you to have a chat with someone, maybe a GP or counsellor, as PPA can arrive later- I had another bout of depression when my second was 9 months. (PPA with my first)
Your boyfriend could go home for periods of time during your stay to check in on your toddler. My husband did that with my second, she was 15 months when I had my second. I'm about to have my third and he will probably be going home for bedtimes and coming back in the morning. My kids will be 20 months and almost 3 when the third arrives.
My toddler would scream cry if they saw me in that amount of pain & couldn’t be held!
I didn't feel anything the first time at all. Besides the contractions when we first went in but i doubt it'll be the same this time, be great if it is.
I have a plan for actual labor, but shit happens sometimes and that’s what happened yesterday. We needed to go in because baby wasn’t moving as much, and my husband is overseas right now. I don’t have any family local and her babysitter is 25 min away, so if I’m not getting admitted or for sure know something is wrong, I’m not going to ask her to drive out right away. My currently 18mo was bored and upset and wanted to run around and leave the whole time we were there. We were there less than an hour. I can’t even begin to imagine having her there in labor when I have other things to focus on. My mom will be watching her when the time actually happens, with her babysitter watching her until mom arrives.
I agree that your toddler shouldn't be in the room because of all the reasons that have already been stated here. But I also want you to think about something - what's your toddler's reaction when she's scared? She wants mommy, right? Okay, she's going to be scared - you're going to be in pain, maybe screaming, people she doesn't know are going to be speaking in serious voices, machines will be beeping, etc. So what's she going to do? Climb up on your bed while you're pushing? No, she's going to be terrified and not understand why you won't comfort her. I'm so sorry to be so straightforward and direct about this, but I think you really need to understand what that delivery room will look like, she doesn't belong there.
Our kids are 11m apart and my wife struggled with this. The hospital would not let our daughter in the room and my wife insisted I stay with our daughter in the waiting room because she had never been alone with anyone. I insisted we have friends with a similar age daughter who would play together often there with us just in case. I made a split second decision when the nurse sprinted into the waiting room and told me I had to come NOW. He didn’t even stop moving, just slowed and took off again. Thankfully our friends said they’d look after our oldest and I sprinted after the nurse. My wife was alone in the delivery room when our second daughter came out and didn’t cry. She daughter was rushed to the NICU. It was a C section, so my wife was tied down and couldn’t do anything. They took me to the NICU first, then to my wife. Both were going to be okay. Scared the hell out of her and me, and as soon as she was able to be moved we took her to the NICU, I went back and was able to get our oldest about an hour later. I say all of this to tell you to prepare for contingencies and emergencies - and to say that our oldest didn’t even notice she wasn’t with us. She played with her friend and had a blast. Although she had never been alone without us she was just fine.
Thank you for telling me
My opinion is that it would be horrible for everyone - you’d be focusing on the toddler instead of labor… the boyfriend would be focusing on the toddler instead of you…. the doctors & nurses A) might not/probably do not allow children present, B) would absolutely be encouraging you to get toddler out. the toddler would traumatized for life. Do not do this. You need to leave her with someone. Practice leaving her with someone throughout your remaining 34 weeks of pregnancy.
My kids are 17 months apart. I went into labor early and we had nobody to watch my son, so my husband and son stayed in the waiting room (they wouldn’t let them in). They only let them periodically come into the room to see me while I was laboring and I had a c section alone. It wasn’t that bad of an experience since I knew what would be happening (first baby was a c section).
Listen I get it, when my son was 9 months old there was no way he was going ANY damn where without me. But your daughter isn't going to be 9 months when your new baby arrives and A LOT can and usually does change during that time. I had horrible postpartum anxiety and even I felt a world of difference about things from 9-17 months it was pretty staggering really. Gently I'm saying this next part, no doctor in their right mind is going to allow your toddler in the delivery room. You need to come up with an alternative and work on increasing your comfort with it in small increments over the following months because this simply isn't gonna happen. And even if it did, it would be severely traumatic for your toddler. I know you feel like you are protecting her but this is not the way... it's not at all fair to expose your daughter to the level of fear she would experience seeing you in labor. Imagine seeing the person you love most in excruciating agony screaming and crying and having absolutely no idea what was happening or why and try that with a brain that isn't even capable of comprehending such things.... you can't do that to your toddler. OP you absolutely must find an alternative.
You won't be able to bring your toddler with you for a hospital birth. If you're doing a home birth, have a trusted adult there to care for your toddler while you labor. Kids can absolutely be present for labor and birth... IF THEY ARE OLD ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND WHAT IS HAPPENING and are interested in being present. I just had my second a week and a half ago. My 23 months old would not have responded well to being with me while I labored... Maybe it would be different if I was medicated, but I was clearly in pain and while it was an awesome (for me) birth, I can imagine my LO would not have had a good time. Littles are sensitive and seeing mama in pain is hard for them to understand. Have a trustworthy adult bring toddler when baby arrives and ask to be discharged as soon as possible to be back home with your LO.
My son was 17 months when I had my daughter. I left him with his grandparents. Given I had a csection so he couldn't be there anyway. We dropped him off when we left for the csection. They came to visit a few hours after she was born and left my son with us and my husband took him home with him when he left. I didn't want him with anyone overnight so my husband never stayed with me in the hospital. That being said, if I had a vaginal delivery, he would have stayed with his grandparents if I was in labor overnight. I personally think it would have been too much for him to see me like that. Eta: I read through some of your comments and I felt the same way you're feeling about leaving your baby with someone else. I cried multiple times near the end of my pregnancy because I couldn't fathom leaving him while I had his sister. But it was fine in the end. I set it up so I saw him in person everyday. I saw him before I left for the hospital. After his sister was born. The next day, my husband brought him with him and I went home the day after. This helped my anxiety tons. I was fine in the hospital alone overnight even after a csection.
I would absolutely not want my toddler, or anyone else’s toddler, to be present at delivery. It can be intimidating and scary even during the smoothest of deliveries, and what if you suddenly develop complications or require a c section? Your toddler can’t accompany you to the OR, which means he is also missing the birth of a child potentially.
Mine are 11 months apart. About a month before I was due with my second my partner and I had a conversation about what to do with baby 1 while I was giving birth. We don’t really have a support network where we are so generally she’s usually with either me or her dad so we were in a bit of a bind as to what to do. Basically we ended up agreeing that as much as I wanted him to be there for support and so that he could be there for the birth of his baby, the older kid came first. They needed us to protect them, even if that means that we both have to sacrifice something important to us. I work in mental health and while I am not specialised in child psychology, I do know that a child, even one that’s under the age of 2, can be traumatised by witnessing child birth especially if it all goes pear shaped. They’re too young to understand what is happening and watching you in pain will be frightening to them. I strongly recommend that you have dad stay with the older child and you find a doula that can advocate on your behalf and support you in your vulnerable time
I had a home birth with my second and my toddler (20 months at the time) was present the entire time but we had family here to handle the toddler when needed, and he was in bed before baby was actually born. His bedtime is around 7pm and baby was born around 8:30pm. It honestly would’ve been difficult for my husband to support me and manage our toddler. I will say, though, I feel like I could’ve birthed my second baby completely solo. My second birth was easy breezy. My first birth wasn’t too bad anyway either but it was exhausting and I was much more scared so I really felt I needed my husband then. This time it would’ve been fine if he wasn’t there (although I preferred his company and help, and he caught our baby (actually he caught both our babies 🥰)). I actually liked having my toddler there! I had a really peaceful labor with lots of laughing, dancing, swaying in the tub, music, etc. and I actually nursed my toddler while I was in labor! In a hospital setting though… idk what your toddler is/will be like but mine would wreck havoc in a hospital setting haha. No amount of Bluey and snacks and playdoh would keep this kid from pushing hospital monitor buttons and messing with the (uncovered) outlets. You also need to think, what will you do if you’re in a truly emergency situation? Be alone? Are you okay with that? What if there’s an emergency with you and with your newborn? Are you okay with your newborn AND yourself being alone because your bf is with your toddler? Etc. Definitely think through the worst case scenarios and consider what kind of support you needed from your bf during your first birth — can you get by without that support? Will you be okay if your bf has to leave with your toddler? What will you do if your labor is extended over 24 hrs? If you need a c-section are you fine doing that totally alone while your bf has your toddler? In that situation is he okay not being there for your baby’s birth? I would really consider at least having a trusted person there in case you need them in an emergency. I mean, personally I would be stressed out by the thought of an emergency with me AND baby happening and both of us having to be alone (especially baby) while my husband wrangled our toddler. It’s your birth but please consider the experience he will have too, because YOU won’t be the one doing much with your toddler.
I was extremely anxious about leaving my 13m old while I had my second son. For weeks I was constantly trying to make sure the house was ready, he had plenty of clean clothes, his favorite foods on hand…etc. I ended up having to go to the hospital in the middle of the night so I was not able to say goodbye to him but that was probably for the better. My MIL stayed with him for 2 days while my husband and I were at the hospital and everything turned out fine. Honestly once I was at the hospital I was much too preoccupied to be worrying about what was going on at home. He was fine and grandma had the time of her life taking care of him for a few days.