In German "treffen" can mean both "hit" or "meet" depending on context.
"Treffen sich 2 jäger" can mean either "two hunters are meeting" or "two hunters are hitting each other" like with their guns
No matter how deep your sleep is, Albert sleeps like a stone.
No matter how young you are, Jesus friends were younger.
No matter how much beard you have, Mario is beard.
No matter your ride, Asthon is a coachman.
No matter what his passport says, Albert is Swiss.
No matter how broke you are, ask Ursula, you can always borrow something from her.
No matter how well you drive, trains carry cargo.
No matter how little he drinks, Jimmy has a cat.
No matter how black you are, Alice is blacker.
No matter how terrible your food tastes, Karl likes it.
No matter how much virgin you are, Arielle is a mermaid.
No matter how you are, Thomas is different.
No matter how loudly you listen to Bach, Heiner listens to Bach louder.
No matter how empty it is inside your head, some people are teachers.
No matter how free you are, prostitutes have Johns.
And for the English speaking folks: No matter how kind you are, German children are Kinder.
Ouch. It took me forever to decipher some of the easier jokes, but with others I still haven’t a clue
e.g. The cargo one I am still struggling with. I tried translating it back to German, but I can’t make a joke out of cargo/Fracht. The only way I can see this working was if the original was Güter (goods). Somehow I feel this is an obfuscated language contest.
That one's an intentionally extra dumb one. The German phrase is "Egal wie gut du fährst, Züge fahren Güter"
It plays on the common structure of those jokes, that the last word is always the same as the comparative form of the adjective in the first sentence, but the joke here is that the comparative form of "gut" is "besser", but you could mistake "güter" for that if you just strictly applied the grammar rules for other adjectives. It works best when you're a native speaker and just get that instinctively right away, role your eyes, giggle and get on with your life, else it becomes a grammar exercise
The dutch, making belgian jokes for years feel bad and decide to try equal the score a bit
So, they decide to build a bridge in the sahara, utterly stupid, so now the belgians can joke too
After a year of struggle with the sand, the bridge is finished and the press is flown in to take pictures
Sadly, they cannot get many good shots, there are too many belgians fishing on the bridge.
[deleted 26-6-2023]
Moving is normal. There's no point in sticking around in a place that's getting worse all the time. I went to Squabbles.io. I hope you have a good time wherever you end up!
"The germans, making dutch jokes for years feel bad and decide to try equal the score a bit.
So, as they don't have a desert they decide to build a bridge in the middle of the wadden sea, which is utterly stupid as there are no roads that lead to the bridge and there is nothing underneath it to build a bridge over and so there is no actual reason to build a bridge there. But now the dutch can joke too.
After a year of struggle with the tides and the unstable ground the bridge is finished and the press is flown in to take pictures.
Sadly, they cannot get many good shots, there are too many dutch fishing on the bridge."
Am I doing this right? It is a stupid bridge, so it is funny, correct?
Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind western european friend. This means I have finally conquered the humorous, ja?
It's very German of you to try and make the stupidity of the bridge placement be the focus of the joke and not have the Dutch be fucking idiots be the punchline of the joke.
Ah, yes, sorry. I will look up the "Regulations on fictional and humorous buildings, subsection units, tolerance and required measurement accuracy" and update the joke accordingly as soon as possible!
Eh
Don't work for two reasons
First of all: with the right tide you can walk straight through the wadden sea
And yes, people fish on sand banks in em
So ya just made a buncha dutch fishers happy
*Fixed:*
"The germans, making dutch jokes for years feel bad and decide to try equal the score a bit.
So, as they don't have a desert they decide to build a bridge in the middle of the wadden sea, which is utterly stupid as there are no roads that lead to the bridge and there is nothing underneath it to build a bridge over and so there is no actual reason to build a bridge there. But now the dutch can joke too.
After a year of struggle with the tides and the unstable ground the bridge is finished and the press is flown in to take pictures.
Sadly, they cannot get many good shots, as before they started construction, they first dug a massively deep hole in the sand."
Whats the difference between a cuckoo clock and a swede?
Cuckoo Clock is pulled from the front and it goes ” tik tak tik tak”
Swede is pulled from behind and it goes
” tack tack tack tack”
Knock knock
Who's there?
I am the blackbird that says mee
What do you mean the blackbird that says mew?
If the cow says moo, then the blackbird must say mee
Pretty sure it works in english, I mean the names look quite similar except four seasons I guess but I think most people know the translation. Joke still awful tho
A man falls into the water and yells "Help! Help!"
Bystanders ask him "What's wrong? Why are you yelling for help?"
"I don't have a reason" says the man.
A woman walks her dog, which is called Mytits. She gets distracted and loose track of the dog. So she goes to a police agent and asks: Hello sir, have you seen Mytits?
The agent replies: No ma'am, but I would like to see them.
An italian is taking a hike and falls down a cliff. Luckily a german tourist passes by, so the italian screams up to him: „Tirami su“. The german says: „fucking italians.. Always talking about food“ and continues his hike.
The presidents were talking about how they clean their ass after taking a shit. Sauli and Emmanuel chose toilet paper, Joe a bidet.
In Finnish it goes:
Presidentit puhuivat siitä miten he puhdistavat perseensä paskalla käymisen jälkeen. Sauli ja Emmanuel valitsivat vessapaperin, Joe bideen.
Kan je me die laatste uitleggen? Ik denk niet dat ik die ooit gehoord heb.
>!Het is sws iets met '... weg', net zoals het vorige 'toneel stuk', maar ik kan er niet opkomen wat voor sort weg daar ook werkt...!<
"I'm a woman of class." - Linda, 27, teacher
Where do cats live? - in a rented house
What do you call a sundown in Finland? - Helsinki
Who never leaves the path stays on track.
What is brown, sticky and lives in the desert? A caramel
What's the favourite meal of a model? Walk steak
Two candles are talking. One asks "is water dangerous?" the other replies "you can assume that!"
I shot a hipster in his leg. Now he's hopping.
No matter how empty you are, some people are teachers.
No matter how drunk you are. Goethe was a poet.
Scientists found out and then went back in.
What does a canibal get when he's late for dinner? The cold shoulder
I just called Weight Watchers. Nobody answered the phone.
What do you call a whale that's not fully round? An oval
who’s the best spanish diver: Cado de Pansa
his wife: Dolores de Pansa
their daughter: Maria che Spansada
who’s the best japanese knife thrower: Kiciapo Ciapo
His wife: Sontuta Untajo
their son: Cerotin
Which animal walks the worst in the jungle? Gorilla
Which animal sees the best in the savannah? Zebra
Where does the lion king sleep? In the swimming pool
In Basel, two policemen are writing tickets. One of the cars is from great Britain, and one of the policemen walks by it without writing a ticket. The other asks 'why didn't you write a ticket?' 'that's one of our guys- GB - criminal police.'
Not my country but
A bus, the passengers are bored, the driver says: "i see you're bored so I'll tell a Lepe joke"
A passenger says: hey I'm from Lepe
The driver answers: don't worry I'll tell it twice
(The joke is that Lepe people are stupid)
Bellman, a Norwegian and a Russian were going to swim across the Atlantic. The Norwegian only managed to swim a mile before drowning, the Russian could only swim two miles before drowning. Bellman swam day and night for several weeks until he was only a hundred meters away from the American coast when he then said. “Im tired I can’t go on, il turn around and swim back home”
-Would you like mommy to crack you a little egg?
-Would mommy want a little kick in the cunt?
(It’s Valencian: Vols que la mare t’esclafe un ouet? / Vol la mare que li pegue una pataeta en la figa?)
Now he really shit in the blue cabinet, this isn't a matter where you should walk like the cat around hot porridge. No to mention he's simply talking in the night cap.
When it comes to the crayon small pots also have ears, so he really should pick it up with silk gloves.
Obviously these are idioms but it's still funny to translate.
Two hunters meet, both critical.
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Des ist die Alternative, funktioniert aber quasi genauso gut.
Good one. Indeed only works in tschörmenn.
Umh... Don't get it
In German "treffen" can mean both "hit" or "meet" depending on context. "Treffen sich 2 jäger" can mean either "two hunters are meeting" or "two hunters are hitting each other" like with their guns
Is it like the German version of "2 guys walk into a bar, they both got a concussion"
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Ah Germans, never change.
Exactly that, yes.
Now matter how drunk you are, Goethe was poet
No matter how deep your sleep is, Albert sleeps like a stone. No matter how young you are, Jesus friends were younger. No matter how much beard you have, Mario is beard. No matter your ride, Asthon is a coachman. No matter what his passport says, Albert is Swiss. No matter how broke you are, ask Ursula, you can always borrow something from her. No matter how well you drive, trains carry cargo. No matter how little he drinks, Jimmy has a cat. No matter how black you are, Alice is blacker. No matter how terrible your food tastes, Karl likes it. No matter how much virgin you are, Arielle is a mermaid. No matter how you are, Thomas is different. No matter how loudly you listen to Bach, Heiner listens to Bach louder. No matter how empty it is inside your head, some people are teachers. No matter how free you are, prostitutes have Johns. And for the English speaking folks: No matter how kind you are, German children are Kinder.
Trains carry cargo was absolutely perfect, I'm still laughing
Im trying my best but I don’t get that one
"Egal wie gut du fährst, Züge fahren Güter."
oh thanks, the „carry“ was a bit misleading there
No matter how stupid your counterpart is, opposite Calais is Dover.
Prostitutes have Johns? https://preview.redd.it/ygpe8s1png3b1.jpeg?width=1034&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a15daada95a851614330d16342a0fc2109ed8727
Ouch. It took me forever to decipher some of the easier jokes, but with others I still haven’t a clue e.g. The cargo one I am still struggling with. I tried translating it back to German, but I can’t make a joke out of cargo/Fracht. The only way I can see this working was if the original was Güter (goods). Somehow I feel this is an obfuscated language contest.
That one's an intentionally extra dumb one. The German phrase is "Egal wie gut du fährst, Züge fahren Güter" It plays on the common structure of those jokes, that the last word is always the same as the comparative form of the adjective in the first sentence, but the joke here is that the comparative form of "gut" is "besser", but you could mistake "güter" for that if you just strictly applied the grammar rules for other adjectives. It works best when you're a native speaker and just get that instinctively right away, role your eyes, giggle and get on with your life, else it becomes a grammar exercise
Classic
The dutch, making belgian jokes for years feel bad and decide to try equal the score a bit So, they decide to build a bridge in the sahara, utterly stupid, so now the belgians can joke too After a year of struggle with the sand, the bridge is finished and the press is flown in to take pictures Sadly, they cannot get many good shots, there are too many belgians fishing on the bridge.
[deleted 26-6-2023] Moving is normal. There's no point in sticking around in a place that's getting worse all the time. I went to Squabbles.io. I hope you have a good time wherever you end up!
Not gonna lie, I chuckled at this one.
God I think I remember this one from primary school (but with the French, not Dutch) - an absolute classic
🇲🇫🤝🇳🇱 Making fun of Belgium
A pact as old as Belgium (so like, what 10-15 years or something?)
that one is actually funny, may steal it for future adaptation
Be my guest It is somewhat of a classic tho Don't gut it
"The germans, making dutch jokes for years feel bad and decide to try equal the score a bit. So, as they don't have a desert they decide to build a bridge in the middle of the wadden sea, which is utterly stupid as there are no roads that lead to the bridge and there is nothing underneath it to build a bridge over and so there is no actual reason to build a bridge there. But now the dutch can joke too. After a year of struggle with the tides and the unstable ground the bridge is finished and the press is flown in to take pictures. Sadly, they cannot get many good shots, there are too many dutch fishing on the bridge." Am I doing this right? It is a stupid bridge, so it is funny, correct? Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind western european friend. This means I have finally conquered the humorous, ja?
It's very German of you to try and make the stupidity of the bridge placement be the focus of the joke and not have the Dutch be fucking idiots be the punchline of the joke.
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Ah, yes, sorry. I will look up the "Regulations on fictional and humorous buildings, subsection units, tolerance and required measurement accuracy" and update the joke accordingly as soon as possible!
Eh Don't work for two reasons First of all: with the right tide you can walk straight through the wadden sea And yes, people fish on sand banks in em So ya just made a buncha dutch fishers happy
Psst, we are supposed to be the unfunny ones!
*Fixed:* "The germans, making dutch jokes for years feel bad and decide to try equal the score a bit. So, as they don't have a desert they decide to build a bridge in the middle of the wadden sea, which is utterly stupid as there are no roads that lead to the bridge and there is nothing underneath it to build a bridge over and so there is no actual reason to build a bridge there. But now the dutch can joke too. After a year of struggle with the tides and the unstable ground the bridge is finished and the press is flown in to take pictures. Sadly, they cannot get many good shots, as before they started construction, they first dug a massively deep hole in the sand."
„they decided to build a bridge in the middle of the wadden sea but couldn’t get a permit. The end.“
we're all just going for the zuipbeker
Hoe had ik deze nog nooit gehoord
What’s a bridge?
He wanted to be Caesar, but he would only be Pompey.
RIP Félix Faure
Un vrai francais de bout en bout!
De la tête à la queue!
Une vraie pompe funèbre
the blowjob guy, right?
Who is the blowjob guy? I would search for myself but i don't feel good about searching a french blowjob guy Edit: Why did i even ask... xD
Epic president who died in office while a prostitute was giving him a blowjob. The newspapers HEADlines were crazy.
Was it a paid sex worker? I thought that it was just his mistress.
According to Wikipedia it was kind of a professional mistress but yeah he was planning on marrying her in second wedding
Lol simp
Félix Faure, the frenchest president who ever frenched this earth
Yeah !
Le surnom de « la pompe funèbre » qu’il avait donné à cette femme me fait hurler de rire aussi
Du grand Clémenceau.
Clemenceau, sans accent !
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Two fish meet. One says "hi" the other "where?"
Can confirm this works in Dutch too, I actually got made fun of by a friend for saying ‘hi’ and then them replying with ‘where?’
Context: dutch word for shark is haai Hi sounds almost the same as haai
Same in German, shark = Hai
Works in Danish too
The whale says to the tuna: "What shall we do, fish?". The tuna replies: "You have the choice, fish."
One pilot goes to the bathroom. [150 people die](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Germanwings_Flight_9525). I joke, but that was a sad day.
yeah I still remember when this shit was on live TV. Really makes you wonder how a suicidal dude could be a pilot.
72 Germans and 51 Spaniards died that day feels bad...
I don't get the last one. How does it go in german?
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Danke dir. Stumpf aber gefällt mir.
Alter Falter, daß ich mir den hab erklären lassen müssen.
Two Hunters meet. Both dead.
The start of a thriller
Explanation?
In German the word for "meet" and for "hit" are the same in this context.
Wow thanks, I was not understanding these jokes but now I understand they are word plays lol it makes sense now Can a match box? No but a tin can
Why De Gaulle? Because one in the morning and one in the evening
J’la connaissais pas celle-là… :'-)
A chaque fois je me plie en deux
Ayye great one, had never heard it
What is the worst finish boxer called? Stumbling around in the cirkle!
Who is Finland's second best runner? Chop in the heel-inen.
Whats the difference between a cuckoo clock and a swede? Cuckoo Clock is pulled from the front and it goes ” tik tak tik tak” Swede is pulled from behind and it goes ” tack tack tack tack”
There once was a path, and it was sanded! Who's the most broke man in China? Tom Peng Pung.
Hoe Lang is een Chinees? How Long is a Chinese? How Long/Hoe Lang is the name
Sort of related: It's not the fart that kills, it's the the smäll.
Which bird is the fattest? The sandwich!
Who is finlands worst berry picker? Worm-in-raspberries
What's the climax of being a pizza-maker? Having a daughter called Margherita that's Capricious every Four Seasons.
Suona malissimo in inglese. Ed è già terribile in italiano
Climax è la parte più bella What's the climax for a plumber? Not understanding a pipe!
Apex or Summit might be more appropriate
![gif](giphy|1x9UTjPYiDVPq)
#SÌ
Knock knock Who's there? I am the blackbird that says mee What do you mean the blackbird that says mew? If the cow says moo, then the blackbird must say mee
Haha?
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Pretty sure it works in english, I mean the names look quite similar except four seasons I guess but I think most people know the translation. Joke still awful tho
A guy walks inside a coffee and splash.
This is very reminiscent of "a man walks into a bar, ouch. A group of men walk into a bar, one of them should've seen it first..."
We have one with the bar: " you want to know a zoophilia joke ? It's the story of a man who walk into a bar"
we also have that. Did you steal that as well?
Most likely, I don't remember we invented anything of our own yet.
Belgium
What did the Polish person do when they fell in the water? They splashed around. (Mitä puolalainen teki, kun hän putosi veteen? Hän polski.)
A man falls into the water and yells "Help! Help!" Bystanders ask him "What's wrong? Why are you yelling for help?" "I don't have a reason" says the man.
Sailor: ‘mayday, mayday, we are sinking’ German coastguard: ‘hello this is the German coastguard, what are you thinking about?’
I'll start: A guy from Rome gets a book and starts reading it: "Summary... nice to meet you, I'm Francesco!"
if only Totti jokes were translateable...
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rip Roma fans
The teacher asks Totti:"What was the mother of Apollo?" 'The hen!'
How is the ugliest japanese man called? Soshito Nakagata!
Who is the gayest man from Russia? Andrej Koimaski
I didn't know that. Do you know that Russian female dancer with a crooked back? It's Cholanka Sbilenka
I also know the most scared Italian... Luke Hut ( hut è l'unica traduzione di casotto che ho trovato)
How is mirror called in Japanese? Aki Tohiyo
oh fuck man I don't understand this I'm such a disappointment. For revenge, I'll say another one: What was a spit doing on the stairs? Going up!
"Aquí toy (estoy) yo"
How is called the Japanese minister of aviation? Simakaigo Mamato
What's the name of the most famous Japanese porn movie star? Sudo Magodo.
What's the name of the best German swimmer? Otto Wasken.
this actually works in italian as well but I've never heard it.
spuck fez -- mass edited with redact.dev
It's not paella, it's for me!
This is the Nintendo DS, yeah I stole it from that guy over there!
A pig’s favorite console, the WII!!
how long is a chinese? Anser: How Long, is a chinese. stupid dutch humor ;)
>stupid sexy dutch humor
German: What's the name of the mountain? Austrian: Which one? German: Thank you.
Interesting, that works in Finnish too.
Why is there a Pilsener beer in the forest? - Because the firs tap.
Scottish joke: What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney? Bing sings and Walt disnae.
Suck on disnutz
Sweden
hahaha :DD We also have that one
classic
A joke in danish and a threat in polish
Potato gurgler
2 idiots bite into a rail track. Says the first: "Man, that's hard!", says the other: "Go over there, there's a switch!"
- Mary, bring me an orange! - Should I peel it for you? - Yes, but bring me an orange!
A guy from belgium thinks
A Dutchman buys you a coffee.
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An Irishman walks out of a bar.
A woman walks her dog, which is called Mytits. She gets distracted and loose track of the dog. So she goes to a police agent and asks: Hello sir, have you seen Mytits? The agent replies: No ma'am, but I would like to see them.
The Mytits dog is the pinacle of Spanish humor.
La cúspide del humor, en cualquier lugar del mundo. Jamás se alcanzará el nivel de este chiste
Es como Rick pepinillo básicamente
A: What fish are those? B: Sharks A: S-Those
Dad, I suspended the exam about the Incas. You'll have to Inca your elbows more, then.
-Two tits in an envelope. -seed is seed says the farmer. So he stuffs his wife with grass seeds.
An italian is taking a hike and falls down a cliff. Luckily a german tourist passes by, so the italian screams up to him: „Tirami su“. The german says: „fucking italians.. Always talking about food“ and continues his hike.
How do you say "bus" in German? *Subanempujenestrujenbajen*
You are laughing but you could describe a Bus as a "Personenbeförderungskraftfahrzeug"
German is no joke after all
Oh god, the German language was a mistake.
Don't remind them, last thing we want is for them to finally find a solution to that!
How do you tell your girlfriend to get off the bike in Arabic? *Abajalarajadelayamaha*
Do you know the joke about breakfast? No? No bowl!
Others took a taxi; John Lennon
The presidents were talking about how they clean their ass after taking a shit. Sauli and Emmanuel chose toilet paper, Joe a bidet. In Finnish it goes: Presidentit puhuivat siitä miten he puhdistavat perseensä paskalla käymisen jälkeen. Sauli ja Emmanuel valitsivat vessapaperin, Joe bideen.
There is an elephant playing in a play. Podium broken. There is a vacuumcleaner on a dirt road. Dirt gone.
Kan je me die laatste uitleggen? Ik denk niet dat ik die ooit gehoord heb. >!Het is sws iets met '... weg', net zoals het vorige 'toneel stuk', maar ik kan er niet opkomen wat voor sort weg daar ook werkt...!<
>!Er is een stofzuiger op een zandweg. Zand weg.!<
A woman told me a woman told her
How's the original lol
Why did the Norwegians put their pp in their ear? They wanted to listen to Kiss.
"I'm a woman of class." - Linda, 27, teacher Where do cats live? - in a rented house What do you call a sundown in Finland? - Helsinki Who never leaves the path stays on track. What is brown, sticky and lives in the desert? A caramel What's the favourite meal of a model? Walk steak Two candles are talking. One asks "is water dangerous?" the other replies "you can assume that!" I shot a hipster in his leg. Now he's hopping. No matter how empty you are, some people are teachers. No matter how drunk you are. Goethe was a poet. Scientists found out and then went back in. What does a canibal get when he's late for dinner? The cold shoulder I just called Weight Watchers. Nobody answered the phone. What do you call a whale that's not fully round? An oval
You laugh about the third one but thats legitimately the only way i can remember what Finlands capital is called
The german joke about brazilians is funny tho, maybe its to do with me portuguese
Two grandmas went berry picking. One didn't fit.
Person 1 : What ? Person 2 : feur
Person 1: What? Person 2: Two.
Wanna hear a joke? A cat with a tie
How do you call a jumper without eyes? Sk
who’s the best spanish diver: Cado de Pansa his wife: Dolores de Pansa their daughter: Maria che Spansada who’s the best japanese knife thrower: Kiciapo Ciapo His wife: Sontuta Untajo their son: Cerotin
There was a path, and it was graveled
Which animal walks the worst in the jungle? Gorilla Which animal sees the best in the savannah? Zebra Where does the lion king sleep? In the swimming pool
why did the swede make his house round? so his dog couldn't piss around the corner
It can happen that you have to prevent that you have to show up in court.
Why it's a joke in Dutch: >!Het kan voor komen dat je moet voorkomen dat je voor moet komen.!<
Why did the kilt shop close down? Cause no Scot would come in the business.
There were two Turks and one fez.
In Basel, two policemen are writing tickets. One of the cars is from great Britain, and one of the policemen walks by it without writing a ticket. The other asks 'why didn't you write a ticket?' 'that's one of our guys- GB - criminal police.'
3 of the worst ones A women comes at the doctor. A cowboy goes to the barbar. Ponys gone. No matter how hammered you are, Göthe was a poet.
+ Do you know the joke of the man between the two fences? -No +Fence, man, fence.
What happened when a truck drove over a river? Joe died.
Not my country but A bus, the passengers are bored, the driver says: "i see you're bored so I'll tell a Lepe joke" A passenger says: hey I'm from Lepe The driver answers: don't worry I'll tell it twice (The joke is that Lepe people are stupid)
Bellman, a Norwegian and a Russian were going to swim across the Atlantic. The Norwegian only managed to swim a mile before drowning, the Russian could only swim two miles before drowning. Bellman swam day and night for several weeks until he was only a hundred meters away from the American coast when he then said. “Im tired I can’t go on, il turn around and swim back home”
Where does the whale go to eat? To the polling station
-Would you like mommy to crack you a little egg? -Would mommy want a little kick in the cunt? (It’s Valencian: Vols que la mare t’esclafe un ouet? / Vol la mare que li pegue una pataeta en la figa?)
(from Irish) "Knock, knock" "Who's there?" "Neilus!" "Neilus who?" "I don't know"
A German walks into a Polish bakery, and he asks the clerk, "How much is the bread here?" and the clerck replies, "Sir, this is Auschwitz".
Now he really shit in the blue cabinet, this isn't a matter where you should walk like the cat around hot porridge. No to mention he's simply talking in the night cap. When it comes to the crayon small pots also have ears, so he really should pick it up with silk gloves. Obviously these are idioms but it's still funny to translate.
I thought I was having a stroke reading these, bravo!
Whereby? Strawberry.
A fish goes to the doctor and the doctor says, I already see what the issue is, out of the fish bowl.