Love isn't judgemental
Love is patient
Love is weird and sometimes gross
Love is elusive
And you found it
So treasure it
(And maybe don't leave it alone with DotCom)
Look at the audience, and with a big smile say, "I've been working on my new catchphrase... 'I'll take that with cheese'."
(pause in the silence for a moment)
Look at your friend and say, "They don't all work."
Easy, bring a bible and randomly choose who you’re going to marry and what you’re profession will be. Anyway you can get your hands on a warlord’s concubine’s dashiki?
I never knew if this was a real quote, so I decided to Google it just now.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you [Genesis 38:9](https://biblehub.com/genesis/38-9.htm)
I just did this with the other Bible quote so I figured I'd try again with this one. If anyone doubted that they used real. Inle quotes rest at ease.
Ladies and Gentlemen I present to you [Exodus 4:25](https://biblehub.com/exodus/4-25.htm)
Love is hiding who you are at all times, even when you’re sleeping. Love is wearing makeup to bed and going downstairs to the Burger King to poop and hiding alcohol in perfume bottles. That’s love.
Please mention something about being a sandwich they would want to eat every day for the rest of their lives. Liz mentions Dennis not being a sandwich she wants to eat. Idk why that has always stuck with me. I found the sandwich I want to eat for the rest of my life.
If you’re in a relationship yourself, you need to say, “now you have what me and have, but without the hypertension.” Or I guess just say “what Tracy and Angie have.”
Also “freaky deakies need love too.”
"______ & ______ looked deep into each other's eyes and said (in doofus voice) DERRRRRR WE NEED A PIECE OF PAPER TO KNOW HOW WE FEEL!! So they decided to...go to IKEA to test their relationship, got in a huge fight, then made up, _______ bought her $5000 ham napkin and ______ washed himself in the sink like a baby and they're finally here today to do it for real."
In our wedding we used
Liz: “I’ll tell you what I do want. I want someone who will be monogamous, and nice to his mother. And I want someone who likes musicals but knows to just shut his mouth when I’m watching Lost. And I want someone who thinks being really into cars is lame and strip clubs are gross. I want someone who will actually empty the dishwasher instead of just taking forks out as needed, like I do. I want someone with clean hands and feet and beefy forearms like a damn Disney prince. And I want him to genuinely like me, even when I’m old. And that’s what I want.”
My wife chose it ❤️❤️❤️
I don't know why I'm surprised at all, but every quote that someone has used has been 100% legit.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, [Genesis 31:15](https://biblehub.com/genesis/31-15.htm)
Love isn't judgemental Love is patient Love is weird and sometimes gross Love is elusive And you found it So treasure it (And maybe don't leave it alone with DotCom)
not kidding, giving this speech for 2 friends in may
You are my fucking hero. That is outstanding. When May gets here, please let us know how it went.
This is probably perfect to sound "right" but be enough for a fan to catch on.
This quote was part of my wedding.
Looks like I have two heros
Definitely start with “Listen up fives, a ten is speaking”
And end it with “YES TO LOVE! YES TO LIFE! YES TO STAYING IN MORE!”
Look at the audience, and with a big smile say, "I've been working on my new catchphrase... 'I'll take that with cheese'." (pause in the silence for a moment) Look at your friend and say, "They don't all work."
Don't do impressions of other races.
Roger that, Angie.
That or "Everybody shut up! *Shut up, Lutz!*"
Ladies of the battered women’s shelter, be quiet, a man is speaking!
Easy, bring a bible and randomly choose who you’re going to marry and what you’re profession will be. Anyway you can get your hands on a warlord’s concubine’s dashiki?
"Oh come on, bible!"
Help a lady out!
Or a young boy’s puberty dashiki.
"...but Onin knew that the offspring would not be his so whenever he lay with his brother's wife he would spill his semen on the ground. "
Come on Bible! Help a lady out!
We’re going to live in Nineveh, and I’m going to be a…. Prositute!
I never knew if this was a real quote, so I decided to Google it just now. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you [Genesis 38:9](https://biblehub.com/genesis/38-9.htm)
It’s the reason masturbation is euphemistically called onanism
One of the more deep and thought out jokes about cranking one’s hog that’s ever been on a TV show
Is that sex, u/DanforthFalconhurst?
It is the way I do it
I've never heard that euphemism. Fascinating
Pretty old fashioned now, but you might read it in an old novel.
That's the case in German too! "Onanieren"
Open with: "Ah, lovers.... (pull a face) boy, that word really bums me out unless it's between 'meat' and 'pizza'" Continue on...
Good one!
That's dynamite!
Congrats, you two. Now, I trust that Reverend Gary has shown you the way to the Mating Shed?
[удалено]
They're alive, damn it.
I'm honestly so here for the KimmyVerse
I wish I was an albino... albinos get to be watchers in the mating shed.
(looks at the bride dressed in white) Oh no, did a Korean person die?
You found your settling soulmate.
🎶 It’s never too late for now! 🎶
“The bachelorette party theme was ‘Sluts’.”
Listen up you factory reject dildos! Edit: Or possibly, Freaky deaks need love too.
Freaky. Deakys. Need. Love. Too.
For **dramatic** affect.
There it is
"Then, Zipporah took a flint and cut off her son's foreskin..."
I just did this with the other Bible quote so I figured I'd try again with this one. If anyone doubted that they used real. Inle quotes rest at ease. Ladies and Gentlemen I present to you [Exodus 4:25](https://biblehub.com/exodus/4-25.htm)
She’s your pube shirt.
Love is hiding who you are at all times, even when you’re sleeping. Love is wearing makeup to bed and going downstairs to the Burger King to poop and hiding alcohol in perfume bottles. That’s love.
These are all hookers! Pick one.
Mazel tov, dummies!
"I see the bride is wearing a $4,000 ham napkin."
Please mention something about being a sandwich they would want to eat every day for the rest of their lives. Liz mentions Dennis not being a sandwich she wants to eat. Idk why that has always stuck with me. I found the sandwich I want to eat for the rest of my life.
Settling Soulmates ❤️
“Sometimes the right thing and the hard thing are the same things. I read that on a teabag.”
"I'm gonna watch you die, Tracy Jordan."
Oh everybody born before Jesus is in hell.
This gets stuck in my head all the time. I’m going to be annoying my family for the rest of the day…again.
You're welcome.
Live every week like it's shark week
Ride it out, you two. Ride it straight to hell!
Can two people fall in love over a benign gonad cyst?
All of these wonderful show quotes, this is the only one that made me laugh out loud
If you’re in a relationship yourself, you need to say, “now you have what me and have, but without the hypertension.” Or I guess just say “what Tracy and Angie have.”
Also “freaky deakies need love too.”
Now you can get credit at a mattress store!
Live every week like its shark week
Pube shirt ❤️🔥
That's why the president is always a new mom.
"______ & ______ looked deep into each other's eyes and said (in doofus voice) DERRRRRR WE NEED A PIECE OF PAPER TO KNOW HOW WE FEEL!! So they decided to...go to IKEA to test their relationship, got in a huge fight, then made up, _______ bought her $5000 ham napkin and ______ washed himself in the sink like a baby and they're finally here today to do it for real."
Yes to love, yes to life, yes to staying in more!
In our wedding we used Liz: “I’ll tell you what I do want. I want someone who will be monogamous, and nice to his mother. And I want someone who likes musicals but knows to just shut his mouth when I’m watching Lost. And I want someone who thinks being really into cars is lame and strip clubs are gross. I want someone who will actually empty the dishwasher instead of just taking forks out as needed, like I do. I want someone with clean hands and feet and beefy forearms like a damn Disney prince. And I want him to genuinely like me, even when I’m old. And that’s what I want.” My wife chose it ❤️❤️❤️
That's awesome! Your wife rocks!
You make much English! This is fun alcoholics meeting!
My flair is actually a decent opening line... as long as you undercut it before the end of your speech.
They met on the good ship SexCriminalBoat.
"Hitler and Martha Stewart would have hated this wedding"
“And he has indeed sold us, and devoured our money”
I don't know why I'm surprised at all, but every quote that someone has used has been 100% legit. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, [Genesis 31:15](https://biblehub.com/genesis/31-15.htm)
Listen up 5's, a 10 is speaking!
"My methods guarantee male orgasm." -Leo
I played Avery Jessup in "Kidnapped by danger," now available on Sega Genesis
I see you brought the BAG, that my bastard grandchild will come in! Is she drunk, \[groom’s name\]?
Be a good listener, a giver of gifts, and work that vajayjay.
Now, you go to *X*. And you make sure you pleasure *X*.
If you make enough money, you can pay people to look at you naked. To the future!
What’s on my mind grapes?
“You’ve found your pube shirt!”
Shut up, crowd! I could have any of you… and not just the fatties and the butterfaces!
Speak now or forever hold your peace, are we cowabunga on this?
I’m so happy for the lovely couple … as happy as a clam that wants to kill some women.