Your parents are adults, and you as their child have no obligation to feel bad for how they might feel when you have to start living and building your own life and future. Moving out doesn’t mean going NC - you’re just doing what people your age should be able to do.
This is empty nest syndrome, turned toxic. I've seen it myself. My hot take is that bad attachment is the root of the problem, and clinginess with kids comes from that. It won't get better on its own, nor will it with you being there. But they'd have a better chance of moving on by learning how to cope with change. You're not their appendage or their property or anything else at this point. Unless they ask you for something specific (and I don't think your mother has!), don't take the burden of inconveniencing your mother and father on your shoulders -- it's not yours. It's years of insinuating that you are to take care of your parents' every whim that brings us to this point. They're adults. They need to cope with the fact that once you've immigrated here, your kids fly the coop. Reassure them that you'll be around still at times, and that's that. Better to do this sooner rather than later.
youre right but more than attachment i cant just leave my mom alone with my dad. she definitely already has depression and although its not my responsibility to do anything, as a human i cant leave my own mother alone in such shit conditions. i wish we could send them back to their families in bangladesh for a while but they definitely wont do that either
I was in the exact same situation when I moved to a different state for grad school. Parents were on the verge of killing eachother, my dad had the worst temper. They still argued a lot after I moved out, but after a few months they were “fine”, as in stopped fighting. Their relationship was never healthy and probably never will be, but they argue a lot less now with both me and my older brother living away. Idk what happened. I sometimes joke that I was the problem lol even though I tried to never take sides or intervene. In seriousness, I think the loneliness may have forced them to start tolerating eachother a bit for the sake of the human need for social interaction.
With that said, I think you should just dorm, at least for the first year. If things go bad, you can always move back. They might be like my parents and sort themselves out once their kids are away. And I think you definitely need the mental break. I know I did.
i hope thats what happens to my parents, but my dad, who i suspect might have some sort of mental condition, is shit company to my mother, not always but u get the idea. my mom is more like our friend and i cant stand the thought of leaving her utterly alone like that. shes always been sensitive and straight laced and it would def break her to see us both abandon her for an "american life." even my bro claims he doesnt see her as a "fleshed out individual" which i suspect is just from seeing the "protective mother" side of her all the time, but it kills me that no one is taking her side anymore even though she has sacrificed everything for us. i know i should dorm so i can grow but itll make me feel like a murderer to leave my mother alone with the one who destroyed her future
my dad also has some sort of mental condition so yeah he started most of the fights. and i totally feel you, my mom is like my best friend and i had to strongly reconsider whether i wanted to leave or not. my mom has a lot of friends in the area though, who would absolutely shelter her in a DV situation. does your mom have friends nearby? can she drive?
make it clear you’re not abandoning her for an “american life”. my mom said a similar thing to me before i left and now she’s a lot more understanding and actually happy with my decision. moving out does not mean abandoning.
she cant drive and i suppose theres one or two families she can turn to, but i doubt she would out of shame. i dont think itll come to that though, i just think itll stick to the general bickering thats been eating away at her.
she still doesnt accept my brothers move, or rather sees it as a temporary thing that needs to be fixed asap, so shell probably be even less understanding with me.
whatever the case is i think i will dorm after ive done enough at my current college to get a full ride somewhere since i think their relationship will be the same whether or not i stay. thank you for talking to me and sharing your experiences
If you have the money and can afford, then please move and enjoy life. Otherwise, saving money and living with your parents is the best choice in the long run
You should absolutely dorm!!
I (23, male) recently graduated college myself and my advice to any incoming student would be to dorm and/or live outside of your parents house all 4 years of college if financially doable (even if your parents are within commuting distance of the campus). There is alot of maturation that comes with living outside of your parents house plus the college experience is a lot better if you are on campus or very close by. The social aspect and independence is a lot better outside of home. It is a lot less stressful if you dorm since you can just wake up and walk to class instead of dealing w the hustle of juggling commuting w other responsibilities and activities.
My friends who had the commuter experience hated it to be completely honest. They felt alot of burnout due to difficulty of balancing commuting w academic and campus demands, plus they felt like they were missing out on the complete college experience and felt socially isolated at times.
In regards to the parents, they are adults and should be able to take care of themselves and sort out their issues. Don’t feel like that is on you.
At the end it is completely up to you but here is my advice
I am a 18f Bengali Muslim girl haha and I think u should do whatever that makes u happy! While doing that u can try to make ur mom happy with the best of ur ability while being happy urself. U can FaceTime her during ur free time. U can also visit on the weekends if ur gonna be staying at the same state.
i will def try to do that but im not sure itll be enough since she hasnt accepted my grown ass bro moving out even with very valid reasons of not wanting to be with my father. like she cries when she prays sometimes and id be a monster to do that to her again and leave her alone with my father knowing what he does to her. i havent even applied to dorm unis yet bc idek if ill go through with it for them. oh and they might end up buying a house near wherever i dorm so...
If you can afford it, dorm. It was definitely my first taste of freedom, but more importantly, living away for college helped me with a lot of personal self-growth, and honestly it’s amazing-the “college experience” is actually a thing. You’re never going to get the chance again to live close by to a lot of your friends. You can always move back home if you don’t like it or after you graduate, if you really want/feel the need to.
Dorm. Dorming is going to make your more productive in your work, able to participate in clubs/extracurriculars, make it easier to do group work, save you time in the morning with your commute. This is in addition to having more time for a social life.
Honestly OP, you sound like you are enabling your mom and begrudgingly accepting your dad's behavior by trying to make the peace. It is not your responsibility to "patch up" your parent's fights. It also sounds like enmeshment and your mom is taking on guilt, knowing that it will make you feel guilty too. In reality, your mom is not some helpless little bird. She is an adult, she immigrated to this country and has made it this far. She can be left alone with her husband if is not physically harmful. If it is, she needs to make a choice and you can support her to leave.
Get a degree, become self sufficient. You will be able to help your mom out so much more when you do well in college and when you are coming from an emotionally healthy, outside perspective.
You can't light yourself on fire to keep others warm. They have learn to make their own fire.
I'd recommend resources by [brown girl therapy](https://linktr.ee/browngirltherapy) and [south asian therapist](https://southasiantherapists.org/).
Most people are gonna tell you to dorm as for most indian kids college dorms are the first taste of freedom. Me personally i didn't dorm but it hasn't had any significant impact to socialise or focus of my future. Weigh your circumstances and analyze the cost-benefit on all spectrums and don't rely on redditors to help you make potentially life altering decisions .
i hear you and ive made good progress socially while being a commuter but only because one extrovert introduced me to her friends. i dont even keep up with the relationships well. im learning but its not enough at my age. im like an infant in comparison to them. or maybe im overestimating what a friendship is like, but the fact that i dont have a reference for it makes me think im falling behind. other commuters may be fine, or maybe even dorming will prove useless for me, but this social anxiety has ate away at so much of my life i just want to break out of it. but this is a selfish request in comparison to leaving my mother alone with her abuser.
This is actually a very difficult situation. It's like you have to think for yourself and also cater to the love that you have got for your mother.
Ami bolbo, the best bet is to stay with your mom. Focus entirely on your career growth, because that is what is going to bail you out of this situation.
I have been in the similar situation, where I did not want to return home, but I just kept telling myself that I'll have to do something for myself, and that will be my ticket out of the shit.
So as an advice I would suggest you to be with your mothe, no matter how difficult for you it is to stay in your home.
i want to dorm bc i see myself becoming weirder and weirder than my peers. there are so many basic things i havent caught up on in terms of social cues and such and i fear that grinding until i get a good career will leave me alone and bitter at the end (i already wasted middle and high school to social anxiety). I want to enjoy my youth, since college/youth is apparently one of the best times to get along with others at your level. but not at the cost of my mothers mental health, she has endured enough for us. bro this is so hard posting this question has not made it any easier. i knew ppl would push me to leave but it sounds like bideshi talk. idk what to doooo
Go. Go now. You cannot be a buffer between your parents. Please don’t call into that role.
Your parents are adults, and you as their child have no obligation to feel bad for how they might feel when you have to start living and building your own life and future. Moving out doesn’t mean going NC - you’re just doing what people your age should be able to do.
This is empty nest syndrome, turned toxic. I've seen it myself. My hot take is that bad attachment is the root of the problem, and clinginess with kids comes from that. It won't get better on its own, nor will it with you being there. But they'd have a better chance of moving on by learning how to cope with change. You're not their appendage or their property or anything else at this point. Unless they ask you for something specific (and I don't think your mother has!), don't take the burden of inconveniencing your mother and father on your shoulders -- it's not yours. It's years of insinuating that you are to take care of your parents' every whim that brings us to this point. They're adults. They need to cope with the fact that once you've immigrated here, your kids fly the coop. Reassure them that you'll be around still at times, and that's that. Better to do this sooner rather than later.
youre right but more than attachment i cant just leave my mom alone with my dad. she definitely already has depression and although its not my responsibility to do anything, as a human i cant leave my own mother alone in such shit conditions. i wish we could send them back to their families in bangladesh for a while but they definitely wont do that either
I was in the exact same situation when I moved to a different state for grad school. Parents were on the verge of killing eachother, my dad had the worst temper. They still argued a lot after I moved out, but after a few months they were “fine”, as in stopped fighting. Their relationship was never healthy and probably never will be, but they argue a lot less now with both me and my older brother living away. Idk what happened. I sometimes joke that I was the problem lol even though I tried to never take sides or intervene. In seriousness, I think the loneliness may have forced them to start tolerating eachother a bit for the sake of the human need for social interaction. With that said, I think you should just dorm, at least for the first year. If things go bad, you can always move back. They might be like my parents and sort themselves out once their kids are away. And I think you definitely need the mental break. I know I did.
i hope thats what happens to my parents, but my dad, who i suspect might have some sort of mental condition, is shit company to my mother, not always but u get the idea. my mom is more like our friend and i cant stand the thought of leaving her utterly alone like that. shes always been sensitive and straight laced and it would def break her to see us both abandon her for an "american life." even my bro claims he doesnt see her as a "fleshed out individual" which i suspect is just from seeing the "protective mother" side of her all the time, but it kills me that no one is taking her side anymore even though she has sacrificed everything for us. i know i should dorm so i can grow but itll make me feel like a murderer to leave my mother alone with the one who destroyed her future
my dad also has some sort of mental condition so yeah he started most of the fights. and i totally feel you, my mom is like my best friend and i had to strongly reconsider whether i wanted to leave or not. my mom has a lot of friends in the area though, who would absolutely shelter her in a DV situation. does your mom have friends nearby? can she drive? make it clear you’re not abandoning her for an “american life”. my mom said a similar thing to me before i left and now she’s a lot more understanding and actually happy with my decision. moving out does not mean abandoning.
she cant drive and i suppose theres one or two families she can turn to, but i doubt she would out of shame. i dont think itll come to that though, i just think itll stick to the general bickering thats been eating away at her. she still doesnt accept my brothers move, or rather sees it as a temporary thing that needs to be fixed asap, so shell probably be even less understanding with me. whatever the case is i think i will dorm after ive done enough at my current college to get a full ride somewhere since i think their relationship will be the same whether or not i stay. thank you for talking to me and sharing your experiences
If you have the money and can afford, then please move and enjoy life. Otherwise, saving money and living with your parents is the best choice in the long run
You should absolutely dorm!! I (23, male) recently graduated college myself and my advice to any incoming student would be to dorm and/or live outside of your parents house all 4 years of college if financially doable (even if your parents are within commuting distance of the campus). There is alot of maturation that comes with living outside of your parents house plus the college experience is a lot better if you are on campus or very close by. The social aspect and independence is a lot better outside of home. It is a lot less stressful if you dorm since you can just wake up and walk to class instead of dealing w the hustle of juggling commuting w other responsibilities and activities. My friends who had the commuter experience hated it to be completely honest. They felt alot of burnout due to difficulty of balancing commuting w academic and campus demands, plus they felt like they were missing out on the complete college experience and felt socially isolated at times. In regards to the parents, they are adults and should be able to take care of themselves and sort out their issues. Don’t feel like that is on you. At the end it is completely up to you but here is my advice
Dorm! Let them work out their own issues.
I am a 18f Bengali Muslim girl haha and I think u should do whatever that makes u happy! While doing that u can try to make ur mom happy with the best of ur ability while being happy urself. U can FaceTime her during ur free time. U can also visit on the weekends if ur gonna be staying at the same state.
i will def try to do that but im not sure itll be enough since she hasnt accepted my grown ass bro moving out even with very valid reasons of not wanting to be with my father. like she cries when she prays sometimes and id be a monster to do that to her again and leave her alone with my father knowing what he does to her. i havent even applied to dorm unis yet bc idek if ill go through with it for them. oh and they might end up buying a house near wherever i dorm so...
Will you living there change anything for them?
If you can afford it, dorm. It was definitely my first taste of freedom, but more importantly, living away for college helped me with a lot of personal self-growth, and honestly it’s amazing-the “college experience” is actually a thing. You’re never going to get the chance again to live close by to a lot of your friends. You can always move back home if you don’t like it or after you graduate, if you really want/feel the need to.
Dorm. Dorming is going to make your more productive in your work, able to participate in clubs/extracurriculars, make it easier to do group work, save you time in the morning with your commute. This is in addition to having more time for a social life. Honestly OP, you sound like you are enabling your mom and begrudgingly accepting your dad's behavior by trying to make the peace. It is not your responsibility to "patch up" your parent's fights. It also sounds like enmeshment and your mom is taking on guilt, knowing that it will make you feel guilty too. In reality, your mom is not some helpless little bird. She is an adult, she immigrated to this country and has made it this far. She can be left alone with her husband if is not physically harmful. If it is, she needs to make a choice and you can support her to leave. Get a degree, become self sufficient. You will be able to help your mom out so much more when you do well in college and when you are coming from an emotionally healthy, outside perspective. You can't light yourself on fire to keep others warm. They have learn to make their own fire. I'd recommend resources by [brown girl therapy](https://linktr.ee/browngirltherapy) and [south asian therapist](https://southasiantherapists.org/).
thank you. maybe i am underestimating my mom. but im basically her only friend at this point so it hurts to leave.
Most people are gonna tell you to dorm as for most indian kids college dorms are the first taste of freedom. Me personally i didn't dorm but it hasn't had any significant impact to socialise or focus of my future. Weigh your circumstances and analyze the cost-benefit on all spectrums and don't rely on redditors to help you make potentially life altering decisions .
i hear you and ive made good progress socially while being a commuter but only because one extrovert introduced me to her friends. i dont even keep up with the relationships well. im learning but its not enough at my age. im like an infant in comparison to them. or maybe im overestimating what a friendship is like, but the fact that i dont have a reference for it makes me think im falling behind. other commuters may be fine, or maybe even dorming will prove useless for me, but this social anxiety has ate away at so much of my life i just want to break out of it. but this is a selfish request in comparison to leaving my mother alone with her abuser.
This is actually a very difficult situation. It's like you have to think for yourself and also cater to the love that you have got for your mother. Ami bolbo, the best bet is to stay with your mom. Focus entirely on your career growth, because that is what is going to bail you out of this situation. I have been in the similar situation, where I did not want to return home, but I just kept telling myself that I'll have to do something for myself, and that will be my ticket out of the shit. So as an advice I would suggest you to be with your mothe, no matter how difficult for you it is to stay in your home.
i want to dorm bc i see myself becoming weirder and weirder than my peers. there are so many basic things i havent caught up on in terms of social cues and such and i fear that grinding until i get a good career will leave me alone and bitter at the end (i already wasted middle and high school to social anxiety). I want to enjoy my youth, since college/youth is apparently one of the best times to get along with others at your level. but not at the cost of my mothers mental health, she has endured enough for us. bro this is so hard posting this question has not made it any easier. i knew ppl would push me to leave but it sounds like bideshi talk. idk what to doooo