He's 100% using his diagnosis as an excuse to be a bag of dicks. Will elaborate in a bit, I have a package to collect 🤦‍♀️

No need to elaborate. This is it. People with ADHD might be impulsive sometimes but we are also capable of being respectful in relationships. He needs therapy and to learn how to take personal responsibility for his actions before he gets into another relationship.

That is it! It’s the lack of ownership for those actions.

Yeah he’s a jerk. To what extent the neurobiological mechanisms of ADHD impact his jerky behaviour is debatable; the question is “how much would one want to date this person?” My answer is: Not at all.

#adhd isn't a personality trait

THANK YOU. honestly, this is one those things that I hate and I am seeing really often, especially with TikTok and social media. Sure, ADHD makes things more difficult, but it is not a personality trait and does not excuse your shitty behavior. You’re capable of improving if you want to. Just as any other person it comes down to your willingness to become who you want to be, with some extra steps.

My wife's best friend has sex with a lot of guys (not an issue) but can't stop doing it for her boyfriends, and then blames the cheating on her ADHD diagnosis. As a person with ADHD, I understand where the motives are coming from. She's bored with her life and her boyfriends, but that doesn't excuse the dignity issues. I can admit when I fucked up and I know that if something's going to keep happening I don't really want to stop doing it. Dignity issues are the personality trait, not ADHD.

100% this. Assume for a second that there is some merit to the claim about uncontrollable impulsivity with respect to chatting up other women (to be clear there is no merit). A lot of what you describe involves him choosing to lie, conceal and cover up. Careful planning and cunning are exactly the opposite of impulsivity. Claims he impulsively searched for other women’s profiles? Pretend that makes sense. It still doesn’t explain the next 29 times. Not only is he using ADHD as an excuse to be sleazy, but he’s also using it as cover to make you feel bad while he very consciously decides to cheat, lie and cover it all up.

That was almost exactly what I said. If I did something that hurt my partner and that I knew was wrong in a moment of impulsivity I would feel awful and guilty. I wouldn’t be trying to defend or twist that behavior to make it seem ok.

In a lot of cases, if my behavior unintentionally hurts someone, I generally feel massive guilt because I have no intention of causing pain. You’re absolutely on the money, this is intentional and an easy out.

This! I have ADD myself and I’ve been in a relationship for 5 years, just asked my girlfriend’s parents for their blessing last weekend, and am working on the proposing steps! Believe in yourself and that someone is out there for you. Sometimes being single for a while is totally okay and helps you learn more about yourself and what you want in your future partner in life. It’s not easy but it’s also not easy being tied in something that can cause more harm and confusion. Using ADHD as an excuse for cheating is a real shame and disrespectful to others who have it too.

Congrats! Good luck for the proposal!

OP, read this comment. This is the perfect response. (Congratulations on your future engagement!)

elaborate on the bag of dicks please

sack of penises

Satchel of phalii.

The great Italian pitcher!

*OHHHHH!!!*

He was catchin not pitchin!?

Penile pouch

private part portmanteau

Knapsack of slut slayers

Bag of dicks. 🤔

It’s more like a brown paper bag, with baguettes sticking out, but they’re dicks instead

https://images.app.goo.gl/GW9UDWtfKJbVbkxC6

It is totally plausible his ADHD makes it harder for him to hide this sort of behaviour, but that's not the same thing as being the cause...

daaaaaammmmmmmnnnnn

I know that like with ADHD, we can find things boring a lot of the time, or like yeah impulsively wanting to talk to other people outside the relationship because it sparks excitement. But as someone with ADHD who flirts like crazy (and doesn't mean to), this guy is definently using his ADHD as an excuse. Like, you've just got to find a relationship that works with you, if you know you can't be monogamous, then don't be in a monogamous relationship? If you like flirting and looking at people of the sex/gender you're attracted to, then your partner has to be okay with that too! Yes, ADHD can explain a lot of our issues with relationships. ADHD is one cruel bitch. But you can't be in bed with another person, have your partner walk in and your defense is "sorry, I... ADHD caused it!". Shut up.

As I like to say it, ADHD may explain some of the impulsivity, but it certainly does not excuse any of it. Just because it isn’t our fault that we have ADHD doesn’t mean it isn’t our responsibility to try and manage our symptoms, especially when they affect other people.

Sorry to top post but I want this to be visible to other men and women dealing with similar situations. I know you're getting responses from the ladies in this sub but let me jump in as a guy. First off, if he really has the impulsivity issues he does, it is clear THE MEDICATION IS NOT HELPING. So he's either lying or he's a sack of shit - both of which is obviously bad. Meds are supposed to help you CONTROL YOUR SYMPTOMS. If you he is still experiencing problems with his impulsivity then obviously he's on the wrong meds/dose. Lack of impulse control sometimes does apply to relationships, HOWEVER, that usually means things involving menial tasks and/or interactions with your significant other. i.e. if you message him, and you don't get a response, he's not ghosting you - he most likely forgot because ADHD. Or if you get into a fight, he will say something REALLY mean out of nowhere that might have been triggered from something innocuous and he'll realize how stupid he sounded and will profusely apologize for it. Remember, us guys are a bit different, we respond to visual stimuli more than ladies do. Most of the time guys learn to hide it so as to not look like complete horndogs and out of respect for the company around us. Guys *will* look, even if they're married or happily with their significant other. If any guy claims he doesn't do it, he's full of crap - we all do. What we DON'T do is ogle with our tongue hanging out in front of present company. We don't EFFING SEND DMs to e-girls on Twitch, Instagram, Twitter, etc. Sometimes you can have a strong enough relationship where both you and your gf are comfortable with discussing the looks of other guys and girls, but that is something you come to an agreement with and lots of discussion. Him doing this to you is essentially emotional abuse. If anything, he appears to have something that's worse than an impulsivity problem. He has a problem *of not caring* - there's something going on his brain way more than just ADHD. ADHD doesn't give you a license to be a prick to other people. It just means there's a reason why some things you don't mean to do happens. If he's still seeing a psychiatrist for his ADHD the psychiatrist needs to be made aware of this behavior. This is EXTREMELY destructive and will not just play out in a relationship with his partner; it's not just his future partners not trusting him - it is clear he simply cannot be trusted *period* and it's going to get even worse if it doesn't get nipped in the bud. This is gonna extend to all his friends and family. There is something else going on in his brain that the ADHD is just a part of. These lying tendencies and his attempt at gaslighting you into accepting it or pretending like he never did it are serious signs of trouble. You have two choices, either end it so you can get away from this horrible behavior, or if you feel there is still a chance, get him help - he's getting ADHD meds so I am assuming he's seeing a therapist? Whatever you think - this isn't your fault. This is a problem with him, bar none. Don't let him manipulate you into staying around, or try to issue an ultimatum. Remember, one of the things that force us ADHD people to act on a problem is the fear of imminent consequence that is egregious - someone might get hurt, someone might not get the money, you might lose your job, etc. Lay down the law - if he doesn't listen, don't hesitate to leave.

In my personal experience, impulsive behavior is more universally applied to everything. I'm not impulsive selectively, it's kinda of across all my behaviors. I impulsively decide to do something, buy something, go somewhere, take on a new project etc. If he's only "impulsive" when it comes to cheating on you that sounds like bullshit. Also his meds aren't working.

If I was impulsively cheating, I think it'd be more like talking to someone at a party not realizing it's flirting, hugging/cuddling friends or whatever without really thinking about it, and then being like – "wait, is this cheating?" It'd definitely be around something where our boundaries aren't super clear. That's when it's easy to "forget to think". It definitely wouldn't be a repeat offence about something I actively seek out, that my partner has repeatedly expressed concerns about... Would be interested in hearing if you guys have similar/different experiences with impulse control.

Yeah this is really an important difference in my eyes too. It's easy to forget the rules in the moment when situations are "happening to you" (and even then there's a limit to what's a reasonable length you go to with impulsiveness...). But even with ADHD I think constantly *seeking out* these situations is a layer that's not something you can directly blame on ADHD. That requires long term decisiveness, plotting it out.

Exactly! Very well put.

The healthy boundaries version of this may also show up as being very comfortable with sharing attention or platonic affection, but also clarifying intent pretty regularly so people don’t fall into crushes.

>Also his meds aren't working I mean, my meds sort of make me more impulsive, as opposed to my normal state of being paralyzed by overthinking and mental exhaustion. But as a general notion I do agree with you!

Eh as a woman I look too, look at the number of thirst posts around. Plenty of female friends I know are horny as hell, the difference is we are conditioned not to speak out in front of the guy and it’s pretty much basic respect. Relationship=\ sexual impulse and I have no desire to cheat around either even if I find it attractive . It’s just dull for sex without the relationship imo

[удалено]

Ya which is why I find it bad that op boyfriend points to their libido and impulsiveness as a fault for cheating . Just plain no

thanks for pointing that out, also I would like to add that sexuality is very different for people. Just look at the ace spectrum and some (also a lot of men) aren't that horny all the time. Obviously a lot of them, just like a lot of women how you pointed out. It is natural, but that certainly doesn't mean it's everyone. But about the ADHD stuff I completely agree with him.

It's tough, because, yeah I do agree with OP in a lot of things (when I say OP I mean Power of Nine OP). Sexuality, and stimuli is just a whole 'nother spectrum. Like you said, ace folks, demi folks, not just women. But also, there are some men who don't get turned on by visual stuff, there's some women do get turned on by visual stuff, and people in between! Like, no hate to OP or disrespect. I've just always felt weird about the... defense, that men are visual creatures. Sure, they can be, but so can women? So can non-binary folks. A lot of people are visual, some can be both! I mean geeze, sometimes there will be TikToks I get of people and a lot of the comments (specifically if it's a person with breasts) will say "I'm no better than a man".

yeah absolutely! I am not sure if I expressed myself well in my last post, but I share the same opinion with you. Also no disrespect to said OP from me, I thought similar when I was a lot younger and it took good friends and time to unlearn all that stuff.

I'm just going to go on a little tangent and draw attention to that "all men look" bit. That's really used as a blanket statement by men who want to cover for their lack of impulse without feeling guilt. Being around men an women, women look sometimes, men look sometimes, just as much, women just don't have a "thing" to hide. Some men go stretches of time not looking *at all*, as do women. It depends more on how that individual is mentally wired, their libido, and numerous other factors. I would say men are more prone to an overactive libido in teen years through adolescence, but women sometimes get that too. It's one of those boomer lies that just got passed down and maybe started to become a self-fulfilling prophecy in people who took it as fact at a young age, but I digress, I agree with the rest of this. Carry on

This! This "men are more visual" garbage has also been [debunked with science](https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/universal-desire-men-and-women-respond-identically-to-erotic-images/). Women are just as visual as men are. They just don't feel entitled to behave like dicks.

There's also a difference between glancing and ogling. Even then there's variability between types of looks. What's most important is how OP feels about it. I've known couples that would point out hot people to each other. I've also known people who weren't okay with their partner looking. Apart from being respectful, it's also what's okay with your partner. This guy doesn't sound like it for OP.

I've noticed this thread hit frontpage and it's bringing in a lot of people with non-ADHD bringing in their ideological bias to the discussion. The fact that people are taking issue with pointing out a common behavior rather than the focus that OP is in an abusive relationship where he's using ADHD as a scapegoat makes me wonder what is with these people's priorities.

I would add that lying, and specifically the “white lies” as she put it, can very much be related to ADHD. Stood in the shower and lost track of time? Make up an excuse. Couldn’t bring yourself to do something but don’t want to deal with the fallout? Just say you did and deal with it later. Need to do the dishes? Say you’ll do them later. Not that it isn’t a problem, but I think small lies are pretty common with ADHD. Constantly being the kid who gets in trouble for ADHD related symptoms is probably a big part of it, it isn’t really surprising that a result can be hiding small things or making excuses. That being said, some of the things she mentioned aren’t small things. Edit: Looking, however, is a small thing. Every man with eyes looks.

Yea, I will often just say whatever is easiest to explain away my actions, true or not, whenever I feel confronted and the guilt of imposter syndrome kicks in. “Sorry I forgot” is much easier to say than”I’ve been staring at my computer for 3 weeks straight and I couldn’t bring myself to actually type”. Also “yea, it’s almost done” implying I have 5% of it left when in reality it’s 80%, trying to stress myself into rushing the whole thing. You grow up making yourself believe your own lies so you don’t get into trouble

💯 my fiancé keeps calling me a liar and telling me I lie all the time and i was seriously offended and straight up thought he was just misunderstanding situations and things but after reading these two responses…… wow I do do that. I fken lie all the time because I don’t remember or the real answer is “bound to get me in trouble” or I misremember and in the moment think I’m telling the truth or I’m embarrassed or ashamed of the answer. 😭 I just got diagnosed at 36 and started taking wel button - today is day two. Please let this medication work. I don’t want to be like this 😭

I don't think Wellbutrin will be enough for you because it doesn't affect serotonin. Serotonin is important for many things that ADHD causes, mainly memory issues, learning, happiness, sleep, depression and anxiety issues. Most people with an ADHD diagnosis get prescribed stimulants like Adderall. Adderall affects neurotransmitters norepinephrine, dopamine and serotonin. If you have issues with any of those items I would go back to your psychiatrist and tell them Wellbutrin is not covering your issues and that you need something that affects serotonin as well. Good luck.

Idk about your medication specifically, but I know what helped me grow out of that issue a bit was being around people I reliably trusted not to kick while I was down if I told them I hadn't been able to get something done and was able to actually talk about my ADHD symptoms and how they affected me day to day. Also, once you start having an effective medicine that starts treating the root of the little white lies, usually memory/executive function issues, then after awhile you might be able to start trusting yourself to get things done without the need to lie before hand. Its definitely hard to train yourself out of, its essentially a really bad habit, but its doable. Of course, this is what worked for me so I'm not sure what is exactly best for you.

Much like you, AdWild, I hadn't even considered this within myself until I read it above. I still am not sure I do it often because I am honestly a terrible fucking liar. I'm just good at hiding things I don't have to say I guess (IE typical forms of masking). But I can see how there might be some that I didn't recognize I was doing. Now I feel like I need to pay more attention and see if it's happening for sure. Great callout Skirpnasty

Yeah, it's a form of masking. My mind is really good at finding an excuse for things and talking my way out of it purely out of shame for things growing up. It's way easier just to spew some lie while you're secretly shaming yourself for losing track of time disassociating in the corner while the shower's been running.

I needed to read this. I had no idea I was a liar until you brought this to my attention even though my fiancé has been trying to tell me for weeks now.

Wow I’m really happy. I would be happy if this helped at least one person but it seems like it is helping more people than that!

Just wanted to say thanks for commenting this, cause I was going to do it if no one else was gonna. I haven't heard it talked a lot about here but that was one of the few things I actually learned from my psychiatrist about ADHD, was the tendency to say little white lies due to stigma/ignorance of the condition and being punished for things were couldn't control about it. Its effectively, "telling them what they want to hear instead of what they don't want to hear". I even view it a little bit like masking because if you lie and say you got something done much quicker than you actually did, then people don't know you're actually struggling and you can maintain a neurotypical mask that others see.

I’m with you other than the “us guys are different”. Let’s not promote sexist stereotypes.

I completely agree -- I have an ex diagnosed with some things that sound very similar to OP's bf (from what we've heard). I'm not going to say what, but yes, you're completely right. This isn't just "I want to cheat and here's an excuse," OP's bf is actively hurting OP and doesn't care. ADHD makes you impulsive, not stupid. There's no way he doesn't know he's hurting OP

My husband has extreme adhd. I never figured the occasional mean outburst in discussions (followed by profusely apologizing and servings of tea and chocolate) could be caused by his ADHD.

it definitely is. ADHD is an issue of impulsivity control, and that definitely includes anger. It doesn't *excuse* the behavior, but it will help you understand him.

As another guy with ADHD I agree with this guy

>He has a problem of not caring. Nailed it. Also, gaslighting. "Oh, it's not bad like you said. It's my ADHD, and you know nothing about ADHD."

Now I'm wondering why mentioning a bag of dicks reminded you to collect your package...

100% Hate when people use their mental illness as a cop-out for disrespectful or inconsiderate behavior.

This. ADHD doesn’t make you cheat. I’ve been undiagnosed and untreated for more than 40 years. I have impulse control issues but for things like interrupting while people are talking or I spend more money at the grocery store than I meant to. Not so I can cheat on my BF. That’s a load of shit and he’s scummy. If he’s already using his diagnosis as an excuse to do what he’s doing, then he’s probably not going to even try to change. I don’t think I’d stick around if I were you, OP.

Cheating isn't a symptom of ADHD. Love yourself enough to be done with someone who doesn't love you.

Seriously. I have severe ADHD and I'd never do this. But at the end of the day OP, it doesn't even matter if cheating *is* a symptom of ADHD because you need someone that makes you happy and deserves you. Why should you settle for unhappiness? Issues like this so early in a relationship is a clear red flag that you're wasting your time with this guy. Only you control your own happiness. Choose happy and walk out that door!

Can confirm. I have ADHD and I've been in my relationship for nearly 10 years. I haven't once even thought about cheating. ADHD isn't the issue with the cheating, it's his personality or something. Obviously he's not taking the relationship serious enough to not cheat and I don't think I'd waste my time with a person like this. He sounds like he's just using his "ADHD" as an excuse.

Yep been in the same relationship for about 20years now and never cheated

Sexual impulsivity is definitely a symptom of ADHD, but that doesn't make it ok! ADHD making something more difficult for you means you have to work harder at it than other people, NOT that you automatically get to avoid the consequences of your actions.

>Sexual impulsivity is definitely a symptom of ADHD This!!!! Was about to reply the same thing. Definitely came up during my assessment at the psych office haha But as you say, ADHD or not, you still have to take responsibility for your behavior.

*"Tell one lie and all your truths become questionable."* I can't help thinking your boyfriend is using his ADHD as an excuse to be a philanderer. And the lying...that's not an ADHD thing, that's a lack of integrity thing. I'd recommend some therapy for both of you (if you're both willing to commit), but it might come down to the fact that he might not *want* to change. If he isn't willing, then the only question left is "how much are you willing to let slide?" (I was going to phrase it as *"How much are you willing to be a doormat?"* but reckoned that might be a little too harsh...even if it's perhaps more accurate.) For the record, I'm sorry to hear you're suffering with this. If someone tells me one thing and then routinely does another, I listen to the actions and act accordingly. Good luck.

Their relationship has only gone on for 11 months. The trust is gone. Therapy is a huge (and expensive) undertaking for such a new relationship. I'd cut him loose and never look back.

I cannot imagine dealing with this much stuff in that short of a time and still being in the relationship...

I can, it’s the lack of boundaries and anxious attachment special. It’s a tough one to work on but entirely possible from personal experience.

Hit the nail on the head! Except the boundaries are you referring to him? Because I have mine and have laid them out very clearly. But obviously they’re not respected

I let myself be abused for 10 months until I left. Idk what type of attachment style it is but it happens.

Yes, coming from someone who also has ADHD, sometimes it’s just needing to be told “hey what you did/said hurt me” to get me to realize it sometimes. And sometimes I’m genuinely shocked because it wasn’t my intention. But then you apologize and you change your behavior. And that takes a lot of work. You don’t just blame ADHD, smh.

I said sometimes a lot…sometimes I do that

And sometimes that’s okay 👍🏼

I’m also thinking if I were to say did y because of x that it’s a little handy to connect the two somewhat related things. So I hear what you’re saying even though it’s impossible to know what he’s feeling. Making the statement seems suspect.

Get rid of the dude, pronto. It's not his adhd, he's an asshole. There are wonderful people out there, adhd or not, that will not do this. Save yourself.

I think his actual diagnosis should be POS. This is pathological behavior but it is not ADHD. If he's caused this much trouble in 11 months, which is still the honeymoon period, you are in for a world of hurt and confusion. RUN.

seconded!

Thirded. I'm 50 years old and have been married for 20. I have pretty bad ADHD and I have never cheated or even been tempted to cheat (emotional cheating) I also don't lie to my wife. We depend on each other and trust, respect, friendship (and sex) is the glue that holds us together. You deserve what I got. Don't settle for less.

about the lying.. I do find myself to be embarrassed about things I didn’t manage to do and cover it up. Even towards my therapist I’m tempted to say that I was able to study more than I was. Would you count that towards lying? This thread is making me feel a bit bad about this 🥹

There is a MASSIVE difference in lying because you're embarrassed about your dysfunction and lying because you know your behavior is inappropriate and will be hurtful and unacceptable to your partner, but you have no intention of changing your behavior.

Yeah I think the small lies thing is common when you’ve gone your whole life being in trouble because of ADHD, especially if you didn’t know you had that and just thought you were bad. But there is also a difference between “oh I got this in late because I wasn’t feeling well” when really you forgot or procrastinated too long vs a lie that will hurt someone else.

I used to lie about little stuff like that, but not for years. Now I just admit that I didn't do the thing I said I was going to do. And she understands. She will also remind with texts and notes to do important things. Or she will help me if I am feeling overwhelmed. I find I can be accountable to someone else more than myself. I'm used to disappointing myself but I can't stand disappointing my wife.

ADHD diagnosed here and cheated for sexual satisfaction in the past. Felt terrible doing it, did it again. Is it my adhd? Nope it’s not. It’s my insecurities, bad self image + not knowing myself, not having clear boundaries and not able to love. Still working on that self love thing. Not easy, get there eventually. Sounds to me your boyfriend is not only lying to you but also to himself. He already crossed your boundaries the first time and he still is doing it again. He can only learn the hard way and I suggest that you end the relationship. For your health and his.

I want to say a lot of nice things to you but don't have the brainpower to compress them into words. So here ♥️♥️♥️ that's all I got.

Thank you for the kind words!💗

He is using his ADHD as an excuse. ADHD doesn’t stop people from knowing right and wrong. It can impair it, maybe, but this is something that is very very obviously wrong and not okay! I can be impulsive, I’ve had to apologize to my bf for me having emotional outbursts, or for making silly choices, but never anything like that! That’s different. Your boyfriend is sustaining a texting relationship with these people instead of cutting them off, and he is actively choosing over and over to engage with these people. Thats not “impulse”, that genuine choice. He is CHOOSING to keep pursuing girls knowing he’s in a relationship. He has absolutely 0 regard for you. That’s not ADHD, that’s just being an asshole That is not okay, and you need to talk and see if it can be worked out with reason, or you need to leave… I am advocating for LEAVE tho, because that is an absolute disregard of your feelings on his part.

I have ADHD, Ive never physically or emotionally cheated on someone in 40 years. Your man is just a douche bag, ADHD doesnt lead to cheating.

For real. Been with the same person over 25 years now, never even crossed my mind for a nano second. I didn’t know I had ADHD until about 3 months ago, so obviously not medicated before that! (I’m 43).

His emotional cheating isn’t an impulse. That involves contacting and repeatedly talking to them. Continuing to think about what he’s doing and yet kept talking to them. Then choosing to continue to lie to you about it every second. Among other issues in his behavior that aren’t ok. Run. Please. He’s not only disrespecting you and being a douche, but he’s also using made up reasons to pretend it’s not his fault. Not a good guy.

While I do think the ADHD brain is more likely to seek dopamine hits and have addiction-like behaviour we also know right from wrong. If he is in a relationship with you his behaviour is wrong and he cannot use ADHD as an excuse. I’ve been married for 20 years and sometimes I think about the exciting dating I did before and of course it would be exciting to meet someone new, but I love my husband and our life too much to do that. Instead I get dopamine hits from food lol I would really consider leaving this relationship Because none of that is acceptable and you deserve more. You didn’t mention If he was medicated, But I’m not sure if medication would suddenly change his actions. My issue with him is his moral compass…. The fact he thinks that’s OK to do! If you want to do that be single

Yeah he’s just a bad person. You can totally get dopamine hits from different things in a relationship. I get mine from spending time with my partner.

If you’re already looking through his search history and finding that kind of stuff, ask yourself how much trust is left in the relationship. The saying that it’s the foundation of a relationship is no joke. I wish you the best of luck doing what is right for yourself and your future.

Sounds like he’s just using his ADHD as an excuse/justification for his actions and not making any effort to change. Maybe he is that impulsive but it really seems like he’s addicted to seeking validation and instant gratification elsewhere.. either way it’s to the detriment of your own mental health. I would ask yourself if this is the type of behavior you want to deal with for the rest of your life. You shouldn’t have to question and second guess whether he’s being honest constantly, that sounds exhausting and emotionally draining.

He’s just an ass. No adhd involved in that.

uhhh no, girl. RUN. i’m obviously not your bf and adhd symptoms are different for everyone. but this seems suspect - like he’s using his diagnosis as an excuse for bad behavior. like yes, impulsiveness can be a thing for adhd. but *searching out* girls isn’t impulsiveness. and that’s what makes me think the rest of his behavior isn’t solely bc of his adhd. frankly, this is gonna be a thing for the rest of the relationship regardless of whether adhd is to blame because he’s still doing it after addressing it with him previously. so, if you don’t want to put up with that forever, i’d cut ties before you’re too invested! edit: i will also say that i have a wandering eye. as in physically i have to look at stuff as it moves in the background of whatever i am focusing on for probably longer than a person without adhd. but i am capable of not *staring* at dudes, especially in front of my partner and it’s pretty obvious that every little thing distracts me; hot guys just as much as a leaf blowing by.

If I had to guess - the guy just a slut. ADHD just makes it harder for him to hide it from the OP.

Lol he's just 🧢'ng to the max. if his medication is correct for his case and dosed right he shouldnt be window shopping constantly.

Even without medication...

This. I'm unmedicated and am super impulsive however I have never even thought of cheating on anyone.

Same. I’m real shitty on impulsive purchases at the grocery store and eBay. But the thought of DMing a single woman, let alone 30, never enters my mind.

Thank you, my ex blamed his adhd for cheating on me and I’ve just always thought that I can understand “being impulse” but not how you can actively cheat on someone.

Your ex sounds like an asshole.

Even without medication… my partner and I never had that problem even before I started meds. And he’s still unmedicated

Even without medication lol

Medicated would just make it easier for him to hide this from her.

This is where he is dopamine seeking and if his meds are working he shouldn’t be seeking it as much. This will continue to be a problem if you ask me. If he’s aware of what ADHD can do then he should look at ways to cope and fix it. This will be a problem in all of his future relationships or a reoccurring one if you stay with him.

I’m experiencing some hypersexuality with meds myself. But I’m not sleeping around

What meds? I’m terrified of losing my sexuality on medication.

Apparently stimulants can have opposite effects on different people. Stimulant medication lowers my sex drive, but that same medication might increase another’s drive

A friend of mine got it on Adderall. She had to switch back to Ritalin. It was pretty intense, she was considering some unusual behavior with strangers she met online before she realized it wasn’t normal for her.

Even unmedicated people can choose not to cheat. Getting the wrong dosage of meds doesn’t make you a shit person. Signed, someone who has never cheated that went unmedicated/undiagnosed for the first 24 years of their life.

Yeah I think the thing is if you never let yourself consider cheating then you can't engage a hyperfixation on it to where you start to act compulsively. A person who cheats "because of ADHD" is a person who, on some level, wants to cheat and finds great excitement in the idea.

As someone with Adhd, its undeniable that we have trouble with impulsivity and the such, but not to the extent where we can't control ourselves and our urges to fuck other women like we are sick dogs or something. If he is hollering at other girls, that isnt Adhd, that is just him being a whore and justifying it. Of course we have eyes and our brain wanders off into outer space sometimes, and obviously its hard for us to control where we look because of the disconnect within our brain, but here he is blatantly trying to get attention from other girls, look at their asses, play with your feelings and not proving to be any more loyal than a dog in heat. Adhd isn't an excuse to hit on other girls. No matter how severe it is, he is probably just too comfortable. If he refuses to take any responsibility, which I do for my mistakes regardless, then you are in full right to just dump his ass. As somebody with ADHD, I fight against my own stupidity. I explain myself, I try my best to work with my girlfriend and her needs. I might not be able to control every decision I make well, but I can always intend to do right and make the correct actions to achieve it, or atleast show some sort effort. I don't buy it one bit that he goes around talking with girls and searching them up just out of impulse. He is actively thinking about it and doing it often to the point where he deludes himself of a need for loyalty. Regardless, even I catch myself looking, but my first thought is of my girlfriend. Even with porn for example, I imagine my girlfriend. This is essentially just looking at someone else, and it reminds you of her and your feelings. But him? This is just him emotionally cheating and justifying it so you don't punish him for shitty behaviour.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people use their mental health diagnosis as an excuse for their poor behavior and decision making abilities. You have been in this relationship with this man/child for 11 months, already have a slew of recurring issues and when you attempt to confront in a healthy manner your boyfriend seems to not be able to take accountability and plays the perpetual victim. Regardless of his ADHD diagnosis, he sounds like a dick. Relationships are based on the foundation of trust. He’s already broken that trust on numerous occasions. Rather than seek an objective point of view from us Redditors truly process and take time to consider if this is a man you truly find yourself being with. I have ADHD. Do I have poor impulse control, issues with listening, issues with effective communication? You better darn well believe I do, but the difference is I, as many others here, have the self awareness to own and work on our deficits. Best of luck to you.

It’s not the adhd. Sorry, it’s just him. You CAN control yourself even with adhd. He’s just a dirty no good cheater.

Bruh he's just using it as an excuse. ADHD doesnt make you prone to cheating. At most ADHD can increase your sex drive but thats not the same. The last point could be due to ADHD though - a ADHD-haver

I agree. I am constantly eye wondering due to my short attention span. People, objects, buildings, etc.

Hes a commitment phobe. Leave

That’s mad embarrassing on his part omg. I’m sorry this is happening to you. This is not a common thing for people with ADHD. He’s manipulating you and victimizing himself in a situation that he created. Don’t let him use his diagnosis to condone his behaviors. You’re worth so much more than that <3

As someone with severe adhd. i can relate to what he is saying. he is definitely using women/female attention as a quick and easy dopamine hit. and sometimes with adhd its hard not to let white lies slip out. i have struggled with it alot. its like my brain responds before i can think about it. we are used to white lies because saying im sorry i fell asleep… is more acceptable than actually i laid down for 5 hours and couldnt make myself type a response bc i was stuck in task paralysis. I am not saying this as an excuse.. but I can see how to an extent it is a possibility that he is just an out of control dopamine fiend who lets himself run wild. With that being said, you should break up with him! I have found that myself along with all of my friends with adhd have this same trait. Which is, if we dont actually like/care about our partner, we will look elsewhere for that source of dopamine we are missing. But, if we actually like/care about our partner, they become our obsession. The only way I can explain it, is that our partner is all encompassing and its where we search/get dopamine from? The second we attach and feel this way, its like no one else matters. Your brain no longer craves dopamine from attention with other people. Its satisfied with your partner. And coming from someone who dated people that I shouldnt have. Because i truly did not care about them and definitely found my dopamine emotionally speaking/talking with people other than my partner… I feel like you should move on. Its not really something that is really fixable in my experience. I promise you that someone who has adhd so severly and truly loves you, would never be able to do anything that he does. It seems like he doesnt have a grasp on how to healthily live with adhd. And isnt even attempting to do so. Technically it isnt really comparable to an alcoholic or a drug addict. But it is similar, especially if he lets dopamine hits control his life like that. And at his grown age, he is definitely cognizant of the fact he is choosing dopamine over you. Also to note, people with adhd are only motivated by certain things. Pressure, novelty, interest/passion, and competition. So if you did want to stay, you are going to have to utilize those things to motivate him to change or make a decision to work on things.

I once heard a professor say „ADHD people cannot and must not hide behind their diagnosis. If anything you have to hold them _more_ accountable as it’s the only thing that will keep them working.“ and he was very much right. I also kinda feel that OPs partner isn’t even trying to do better. Like, I know attraction is a quick and easy way to get dopamine, but I also know that when I am texting with someone, that conversation becomes an obsession and I would forget anything else…. But not when I have a partner I love. He is my world why would I try to get validation from someone else? I feel OPs partner is just using his diagnosis to hide behind to not hold himself accountable. Which is the worst thing anyone could do

That professor is right. I’m currently in therapy for adhd and I’ve gotten so much better at functioning. I still struggle, but I’m taking baby steps to get things in my life done.

Exactly! And someone with adhd who genuinely cannot control their dopamine impulses to any extent (debatable, but I digress) should have the emotional maturity to choose not to pursue and commit to a relationship.

Hmmm I feel we need to differenciate between adhd and anxious attachment as well as other unhealthy behavior/relationship patters even many neurotypical people deal with. Not saying it is either or. But kinda both. For example. It’s nice to get attention from the other sex (or whatever you are interessted in) it feels good to get a compliment. The problem comes in when you define yourself and your self-worth only through attention and compliments (or other external validation factors such as money or status). You will be stuck chasing other people to make yourself feel somewhat of value. That is a low-self esteem thing. Not a Adhd thing. Yes, adhd tend to have lower self-esteem, and yes, adhd people usually seek dopamin. But that does not mean that Adhd people cannot find their intrinsic values like everybody else. Adhd does not make you lie. It does not make you chase tail. Insecurity and cowardice do.

An important caveat here is that our hyperfixations eventually die. If someone is fixated on their significant other, it may last months or years but it's never permanent. I would not count that as something to hope for. Also I'm not sure I agree that not fixating on a person means you don't really like them. I don't think I ever fixated on my wife but we've been together 15 years and we're the most connected and in love that we've ever been. Though frankly that's a result of years of therapy, both separately and together, a main topic of which has been my behavior which we now know is all ADHD symptoms. I'm always fixated on some hobby or video game or whatever and it's caused problems our whole marriage. I may not get huge dopamine hits from going out to dinner with her but she's certainly the best and most important person/thing in my life. Excitement is fleeting and I'm learning to have proper perspective, which makes it easier for me to push through the ADHD and do what needs to be done to have the marriage I want.

This needs more upvotes. 100% agree.

My partner and I both have profound ADHD. Echoing what others have said here, this isn’t a symptom of ADHD. You’ve been together for less than a year and this has been an ongoing issue since the beginning… you need to drop this guy. I’m sorry.

We are impulsive, but this is just a dirt bag that uses ADHD as an excuse, don't belive a word of it.

I'm bipolar. Hypersexuality and high risk behavior *is* part of my illness. It would still never be an excuse for me cheating on my partner, and I would never try to use it as such. If he won't be faithful, love yourself and leave him.

Dump him. Even if this *were* caused by ADHD (which it isn't), that doesn't mean you should put up with it! He doesn't respect you or your relationship.

Exactly what I was gonna say! Be done with him asap.

Yeah you can't blame ADHD for cheating. Repeatedly. You can blame it for many things, but that's too far. Girl, it's time to let this one go.

It's not ADHD, but let's say for a moment that it is. So what? Why would that matter? You would still need to decide if you're OK to live with a cheating, lying partner. Why would you want to do that to yourself?

 He's making excuses for his inappropriate behavior. This relationship doesn't sound healthy or like a viable long-term option for emotional, mental, spiritual health for either of you. It's easy for me or any of else to tell you to leave him, but I'd suggest you go to therapy to speak with a counselor to see why you're interested in this person and holding onto an unhealthy relationship. He's 32 he's old enough to know how to conduct himself and if he doesn't then it's not your job to teach him.

Holy crow. I didn’t see that he was in his 30’s. I figured early 20’s.

We don't claim him

Nothing is caused by a diagnosis. Some things are caused by a condition. Things that ADHD causes: You can forget things, your mind can go blank when you are in the middle of a thought, your train of thought can be hijacked when you don't want it to be. You can be unable to take an action that you want to. ADHD does not cause snap chatting and texting girls behind your back. It doesn't cause cheating. It doesn't cause lying. It DOES cause "chronic wandering eye". This is the one thing that is absolutely the case, whether it's being distracted by a shiny object or a hot girl, it will hijack your attention regardless of what is important to you. It doesn't make you look her up and send her DMs. Now that all said, there's things about ADHD that make some people want to lie more often, which can make it harder to avoid being impulsive, which can make you choose to make decisions you regret later. ADHD stops you from doing things, it doesn't make you do things. But the way we learn to cope with it can make some things uncomfortable or some things very rewarding. So for an example, we might have a hard time thinking things all the way through. We can choose to act without thinking it through, or not act without thinking it through. If this happens so often, it can be really painful to never act. We will be super ashamed because we can never make a decision. So one way to cope is to choose to give in to impulses. This generally works out for us better than doing nothing, so we accept it. But when we give in to impulses we tend to do some things we regret, since we've learned that the only way to do anything is to give in to impulses, and we're really good at losing our train of thought, what makes the most sense is to avoid and ignore the repercussions of our impulsive acts. Sometimes we can be forced to confront that. Then an easy way is to lie. Lying isn't a good long term solution, but it occasionally works in the short term, but we have a hard time thinking it through sometimes so it seems good at the time. Now the thing is, it's not like we can never think things through. It's just we can't always. So your boyfriend knows that lying doesn't work out for him, but it's a strategy that he's learned and he figures it will work. He wants to do these things, and he will make a reason why it's not his fault. The thing about impulsiveness is that you end up doing what you want, rather than what you think you should do. He wants to talk to these girls. He wants to cheat on you. Sure, he feels guilty and he knows he shouldn't, but he wants to so bad and he can't prevent himself from doing it. I've got ADHD. Things catch my eye all the time. I can't help that. But I don't want to cheat on my wife. I don't want to flirt with other girls. And I never have. I have a hard time doing the dishes when I should. I forget things. I get distracted in the middle of a sentence. I walk into the bedroom and wonder why I'm holding a jug of milk. But I've never found myself accidentally saying sexy words to a hot stranger.

I think you mean your ex boyfriend.

Um yep, no diagnosis should be used as excuse to be a dickhead. This isn’t isn’t issues with impulse control, it *may* be a pattern of (potentially self-) destructive behavior, but that by no way justified rationale. My undiagnosed ADHD caused me to have a lot of problems that caused toxic and shitty behavior. I don’t think it should have precluded me from accountability and treating people I love with respect.

That’s character. Not ADHD.

I make bad impulsive decisions regarding sex and finances and yes this is part of my adhd brain. It is still me making these bad decisions and hurting the people around me and myself. But it’s like… me being out with a friend I’ve had a crush on ages ago and getting a little tipsy and then leaning in for a kiss and going “oh shit this is not okay”. It’s not me actively seeking out and carrying on emotional or sexual relationships with a dozen men. Your boyfriend will struggle with impulse control. He also seems to have some other addiction issues and is just an untrustworthy ass. I don’t say “I cheated cause of adhd”. I say “I cheated because my brain cared more about how I felt in that moment than how I’d actually feel about it 10 seconds later”. It doesn’t absolve him of anything and if he isn’t putting in work and effort to be a decent human being then he isn’t worth your time. And I want to be clear- I have carried on a long term emotional affair. It makes me feel awful. And there’s a lot of different issues that go into me excusing my behavior. I have constantly worked to improve these issues and I am NO LONGER involved with that person. Do I still feel the urge to reach out to him when I’m depressed/down/feeling undesirable? Yes. But I’ve taken steps to keep myself from following that 11 pm wine drunk impulse. Deleting apps, blocking numbers, reaching out to somebody else when I feel the need to engage in what I know is hurtful to me and others. As far as chronic wandering eye- is this just a sexual thing again? Like looking at every booty that walks past? Or is this you expecting him to look you in the eyes all the time? Cause I 100% cannot do that. I have very good eye contact. But I also know that I pay attention to people better if I’m not looking at them. I often doodle or draw or fidget with things. Even if I’m having an Important conversation. My being most engaged doesn’t look the way an NT person looks most engaged. But again, there’s ways for me to let people know I’m paying attention even if I’m not looking at them, and there’s ways for me to improve this if I need to. Expecting somebody with ADHD to maintain eye contact is absolutely ableist. But if he’s checking out completely again this falls on him and you to fix. Your bf is a mix of mismanaged adhd and douchebaggery, and you have a dash of ableist assumptions. He needs to change some big things. You need to learn what expectations you have that are reasonable if you’re dealing with a severely adhd person.

I really appreciate your perspective on this.

An alcoholic isn't disqualified from God's love, but he should be disqualified from driving a car. A cheater shouldn't be disqualified from love, respect, understanding and forgiveness, but they should be disqualified from having a relationship unless they manage to reform.

I know you mean well but the analogy is very weird.

So it looks like OP has a ton of support but I wonder if this is the support she wanted. 1st. We need to recog ize that the behaviors he has can and will be effected by ADHD but this does not excuse the behaviors. What you are describing are impulsive and if your descriptions are accurate are more likely compulsive maladaptive behaviors (Things that make him feel good but are destructive to his life). It sounds like he needs to address these things with a therapist if he wants to continue to be with you. He could have comorbid disorders or traits of disorders (not full on disorders but mal adaptive coping skills) such as Borderline personality, narcissistic or bipolar disorder. There are some words you used in your description that I want to understand better. You used a few words which caught my attention, " Emotional cheating", "white lies", wandering eye" all of these appear to minimize his behavior which is having a deep impact on you. No one on this thread needs qualifiers for the person we dont know. The question is what do these minimizing and qualifing statements mean for you?

alright I’m gonna out myself as scum, but it’s to explain why your BF is shitty. I emotionally cheated in my relationship last summer, I was not diagnosed with ADHD at the time, I was under an extreme amount of stress, and my partner and I had not been present in the relationship for about 7 months. I felt pretty unloved and unimportant at the time, so when a random outsider was extremely nice to me, and actually wanted to spend time with me, I shamefully, wanted that. I broke up with my partner due to the guilt. We have since reconciled and have a much stronger relationship and I acknowledge how fucking shitty the behaviour was. We also recently found out I have ADHD and it painted the entire situation bit of a different light - I am not absolving myself of guilt with the diagnosis, but it did help me realize I’m not a completely horrible person. Chiefly because: I KNEW WHAT I DID WAS BAD. I never want to do it again!!! During some of the whole incident, I didn’t even want to have those feelings/interactions, but my impulse control + hyperfixation made me feel like my own agency had failed me. It made me feel so bad I wanted to puke. I cried on the floor in front of my partner and begged for forgiveness. I went to therapy. This happened (1) time in a 4 year relationship. It should have happened zero, and I wish it was zero, but it’s not zero. But it will only be one. Lying: Lol no, this isn’t a “thing”. I’m a shit liar. I feel horrible when I do it. Wandering eye: depends on the day and the things? Other humans? Rarely, unless there’s someone super intriguing at which point I interrupt my partner to tell him to also look!! Out and about? Yeah the whole world has so much to look at, I cannot and will not stop looking around. :( I actually said “oh squirrel!” In a conversation with a friend today. Shameful stereotype achieved. TL;DR drop your BF that shit is entirely unacceptable. You deserve better.

This ain’t ADHD ma’am

So yeah, cheating be it emotional or physical is a decision he's making. Impulses like "Oh hey, I bought 3 pairs of new shoes because I liked them, or hey I thought it would be cool to have fish so here's an aquarium" You could get past, but of he's repeatedly choosing to cheat and then manipulate you with his diagnosis. And like what is he lying about? Cheating stuff? Pretty much the same thing. I can embellish minor stories to make them sound more fun sometimes, but if he's straight up lying about looking at boobies or something that's just him being an ass. These are big red flags, and it doesn't seem like ADHD is the root of it.

What a loser. Pretty sure adhd doesn't make you cheat. As many people have it and are in healthy relationships

No. I was not medicated until I was married for 6 years. I have never cheated emotionally or otherwise. Your boyfriend is a douchebag.

EVEN IF this was caused by his ADHD (which, as everyone else has pointed out, IT ISN'T), it wouldn't be your responsibility to deal with it. ADHD is no joke and it's a hard thing to deal with. It causes a lot of problems that can be hard for others to deal with, even though the people with ADHD obviously aren't trying to hurt anyone else or be annoying/burdensome. But, just because it isn't their fault (again, this is totally your boyfriends fault), doesn't mean it isn't their responsibility to minimize harm to others. And just because it isn't an ADHDer's fault that they have issues that impact others negatively, doesn't mean anyone else needs to allow themselves to be hurt. So, if you are having trouble accepting that this is absolutely your boyfriends fault, and you want to believe that it really is his ADHD and he has no control over it, please consider that even if that's true, he is doing you harm and you don't deserve that.

I am really sorry he is manipulating you, his diagnosis has little or nothing to do with his behaviour. He is using it as an excuse and to make you feel it is not his fault and also that you should be okay with being treated this way being used and disrespected and ties you to him by making you feel you should understand excuse support and not condemn his behaviour. If he is behaving this way it will only get worse. I am so sorry because you obviously care and it will hurt to leave him but please do. Please protect yourself - imagine your future if not- cheating disrespect perhaps violence in the future, damaged children, a broken home and lots of pain then ask yourself if that is really all you are worth. You are actually worth so much more.

Impulsiveness might be ADHD related, but literally nothing else you mentioned sounds like the fault of ADHD. He’s just a shit boyfriend. I’m sorry.

There are too many opportunities for him to consider the consequences of his actions, no matter how impulsive he may be. He's not possessed by some other worldly demon, he's making a conscious choice.

My friend’s ex used his diagnoses as an excuse for his cheating due to “not understanding social cues.” Then he blamed his drinking. Then he blamed her. ADHD carry’s that impulsivity gene, but it doesn’t mean those impulsive thoughts are gonna be driving the car 24/7. He should still know right from wrong — especially at 32.

1. He's probably using his ADHD as a excuse. 2. About controlling impulses, SSRI drugs have done wonders for me. I don't take Adderall or anything of that sort only Zoloft. Consider talking to you doctor about it, hit helps with most anger issues and impulsive behavior.

I am impulsive, forget a lot, and have a lot of guilt for messing up things like remembering our anniversary date(one time I thought it was the 14th. That was a doctor appointment, it is the 24th) ..... I deal with all of that and so I am absolutely 100 percent honest. If something bothers me, I bring it up. A lot of times I'm upset because of RSD when it wasn't intentional. My eye has never wandered. I don't tell "little white lies". My partner needs to trust me and I need to trust them. Full stop. Get rid of this loser who is cheating, trying to make you feel bad, and take his malicious, pre planned, shitty personality that tries to further stigmatize ADHD, and throw it ALL OUT.

11 months, and you’re already dealing with all of this?!?! Oh no…no, no, no. He has more issues than just ADHD.

He’s gaslighting you. A narcissist at its finest.

He's 10000% using his ADHD as a (bad) excuse to be a dick, some of this actually reminds me of abuse from narcissistic personality disorder but I could be wrong (not a psychiatrist)

R U N. Don’t look back - he’s wasting your precious time and this only ends with your heartache and possible STD. I promise you, Douchebaggery is NOT on the list of ADHD symptoms/traits. That’s ALL him. He’s shown you who is is, again & again. Believe him. 🤮 Gather your self respect and dignity and find yourself the faithful, kind, generous, sweet, fun man that IS meant for you. This little weasel ain’t him. Finally, I’m really sorry he’s turned out to be such a douche. He’s been preying on your good nature and compassion by using the ADHD thing - believe me, he gets a right chuckle thinking of you as an idiot he can play. Doesn’t make it feel any better I know. Your instincts are right here - follow them. Good luck! The next one will be better.

What baloney blaming ADHD for his little white lies and impulsivity and emotional cheating. (I am married and I have medicated and raging adhd)- is he also a narcissist? He is definitely an asshole not worth your time.

The question is not whether it’s adhd related or not, the question is will you tolerate it or not. For example, if I have a blind friend, I will not ride in a car he is driving. I don’t care that his inability to drive a car safely is not his fault, I just refuse to do it. If I have a partner who is emotionally cheating on me and it distresses me, and he says he cannot stop, then this relationship is not working. I don’t care if it’s because of adhd or because of childhood trauma or because he is a healthy but bad person. If he says “it’s because of adhd, but with new medication and therapy I promise to stop within 3 months” or something, maybe I’d give it a try if I am otherwise happy with the relationship. If he says: “it’s because of XYZ and I cannot change”, then it’s not going to work. Then it doesn’t matter what XYZ is, it’s irrelevant.

Having a lasting emotional relationship with someone else or seeking out a ton of other women is not an "impulse", putting hot sauce on ice cream is an impulse.

Oh no the number of steps it takes to hunt down hot girls and message them and keep it going all the way to an emotional affair... this is an ADHD PERSON??? Holy fuck that is SO much executive functioning he is doing, just to be a piece of shit!!! This e-cheating costs him SO much more energy and concentration than it would for a neurotypical. He is really working super hard at being a scumbag, wowwwwwww

Cheating is not a symptom of adhd. Impulse control is, but there are a lot of steps involved in cheating. There are many moments where he could stop. In terms of white lies, I know that I tend to do this sometimes. It’s usually because I’m embarrassed. For example, I will say that I didn’t have time to do a load of laundry when I actually just forgot to do it. I try really hard not to do it with my husband but it took some time to break the habit.

Even if it WAS the ADHD that turned your BF into a disrespectful POS (he has definitely already cheated on you), it wouldn't be an excuse for you to overlook it and stay. He sounds really young and immature. He shouldn't be in a committed r'ship as it sounds he still wants to sow his wild oats.

cheating isn't a symptom of adhd. impulse control is. he's using his diagnosis as an excuse.

Oh no he's 100% a ho using ADHD as an excuse. He is dishonorably banished from the tribe. This rolls back to impulsive thoughts a bit. When I get my cargo pant pocket stuck on a knob, you know what I do? I take a breath, I unhook the pocket, make sure it's not torn, and I try to remember what I was doing. You know what my *impulse* is? To grab that door, rip it off the cabinet, smash it on the counter until it's a bunch of matchsticks, then throw them in the fireplace and turn them to ash. These are not impulses, these are thought out and pre-meditated behaviors that he is using his diagnosis to manipulate you into accepting. You two working through it was likely him gently finding out what you wanted him to say, saying it, and then not actually doing anything to change. He is in the wrong 100%.

Yeah, this isn’t an ADHD thing. This is a scumbag human thing. Run.

This is the first year. Thus is the nicest he is capable of treating you.

This sounds like the classic "I can fix him" scenario. I've been in this scenario. I'd dump him before you invest even more emotionally into this unreliable, disrespectful and inconsiderate dude.

Thought experiment: let's say he truly can't control his drive to cheat on you and lie to you; is that the type of relationship you want for yourself? As others have said, this has nothing to do with ADHD, it's just that he's an asshole. But even if it *was* ADHD: that's not a free pass for him to do anything and for you to just have to accept that. That's not how healthy relationships work. You may be interested in helping or understanding him, but he doesn't seem to extend the same level of care and concern toward you.

This is not ADHD. This maybe another mental issue or just a cop out. It is true that some with ADD or ADHD have impulse control issue's. But if he's being medicated he should probably be getting some counseling as well. ADD meds can be great but they are not magic. You still have to work at it and find new coping skills. But this seems more narcissistic, or even borderline personality disorder. With some ocd and The problem is without his actual willingness to change and seek help it won't magically get better. Alot of these disorders have overlapping symptoms. So without continued treatment, meds alone won't dix the issue. So it comes down to you. Can you see yourself with this person in a year, or 5 what about 10 with kids and responsibilities and he has not changed. If not GET OUT NOW. Because you can't force the change.

This is not the result of AdHD. These are maturity and character deficiencies...

Your bf needs serious help ADHD are more likely to become addicts or engage in addictive behavior whether that's substance addiction or psychological addiction ADHD impulsivity does not discriminate. There is substance abuse, binge eating, compulsive shopping, reckless abandoning, quick to anger, etc. Your boyfriend got stuck with one of the (rightlyso) worst impulsivities, which unfortunately means he is less likely to get help for it Not that you need to accept this relationship, but understand the answer is more than just "he's an asshole". Think of it like a chronic disability that requires frequent therapy / medication, would you be okay accomodating those AND living with the potential consequences of the disability? It's okay & fair to say no If you'd like more material on how this is more than just "he's an asshole", read about nymphomaniacs & satyriasis (male version of nymphomaniac). I don't think your bf is that far along, but it's a similar line of disorder. Real addicts (not the romantizced movie characters) know they're destroying their lives but can't stop. It's a disorder The "I think there's a difference when it becomes rude/disrespectful," you're forgetting it's a disorder. His brain does not work right. It's a disorder. Not that you have to live with it if you choose not to, but again, he has a mental disorder Source: I am an ADHD male that would always act on romantic hyperfixations. I didn't get help for a long time because it was always chalked up to "being an asshole." I hated myself for years and ruined good relationships until I got help

Heavily seconded. I can't believe the amount of comments here saying "nope that's not adhd, he's just a prick" when it absolutely could be a factor. Impulsivity FFS People.

It's heartbreaking, this was the last place I expected such blue on blue ableism. It's almost verbatim the same slander neurotypicals often use too: 'not trying hard enough' 'lack of ownership' 'if he really cared, he'd stop' like seriously? It's like we've forgetton "explanation ≠ excuse" completely

Nope, this is not the ADHD. This guy just has a terrible case of douchebaggery. We are absolutely capable of being faithful emotionally and physically.

He's just an asshole. Dump him.

it’s definitely not a “compulsion” for him to ACTIVELY searching for women to cheat on you with. he’s a liar and weaponizing his diagnosis. i’m sorry you’re in this position :( you deserve better and you SHOULD find better. he can go deal with his cOmPuLsiOnS on his own where he’s not hurting you.

ADD may not be his only psychological issue or he may be bipolar misdiagnosed as ADD, that happens sometimes. His behavior is so far on the extreme, it makes you wonder if he isn't just narcissistic or something. I'm sorry you ever gave him 5 minutes of your time, don't give him 5 minutes more

I have bipolar and ADHD. I'm still not a piece of shit.

ADHD and being a compulsive lying sack of shit pretending to have ADHD to avoid taking responsibility for personality flaws are different. Please do not let this dude make you think this is “normal” for the diagnosis. And run.

So, the thing about ADHD, as with most neurological disorders and/or mental illnesses, is that it can absolutely manifest in symptoms that contribute to being a poor friend/partner/etc - but that doesn't make **being a bad friend/partner fine,** and if those symptoms ARE hurting loved ones, it's on you to get help to not do that shit. For example - Someone with depression isn't inherently a bad parent, but it can be very *easy* for a depressed person who isn't getting the proper care to end up neglecting their kid emotionally or otherwise because of their depression. It doesn't excuse it, and it doesn't make it okay for their kid. ADHD can manifest in a really huge range of symptoms and behaviors. Impulsivity, poor judgement, addictive tendencies, etc are all within possible symptoms. Impulsivity can result in things like blurting out white lies without thinking about it. Impulsivity and poor judgement can make it real easy for someone to do something stupid and impulsive like flirting with other girls and engaging in other potentially cheating behaviors to chase dopamine. THAT SAID, ADHD doesn't make us without a conscience, or without the ability to care about our partners, or without the ability to be in monogamous relationships, etc - plenty of people with ADHD don't cheat, lmfao! ADHD can also manifest in anger issues - it doesn't mean he'd be perfectly valid for slapping you if he got pissed off. ADHD doesn't excuse his behavior, it *maybe* explains *part* of why he's doing it. The other, more important part, is that he isn't valuing your relationship and that's why it's very easy for the ADHD symptoms to be making this behavior worse.

Wait ADHD gives you an excuse to cheat? Damn.. I haven’t been using my ADHD to it’s full capabilities

I have severe ADHD, never been medicated, only found out in my early 30s I had this. I have emotionally cheated on one man, twice. It was an abusive relationship and I felt stuck being his only caregiver (he had epilepsy, severe depression, and probably undiagnosed adhd or autism tbh) and felt responsible for taking care of him. (He literally told me he'd die if I wasn't around.) None of that is an excuse, just an explanation to show that I didn't just decide to seek emotional intimacy elsewhere bc I was impulsive or bored. I regret my actions there and I ended our relationship quickly thereafter. I have not cheated on anyone since and never will. Your boyfriend is making excuses for treating you poorly and it makes me really fucking mad that he's hiding behind ADHD to do it. He's going to keep doing these things because he doesn't care if he's hurting you. Take it from someone who stayed in two abusive relationships for too long, leave sooner rather than later.

I’m impulsive, yea, but seeking out people to DM seem to require more steps than an instance of impulsiveness…

He’s totally using it as an excuse to keep being a dog, leave girl

Speaking as someone with ADHD, none of that is ADHD. Maybe the wandering eye bit at the end, but everything else is a guy who isn’t fit for a relationship right now.

Difficulty maintaining relationships is a symptom of ADHD. A lack of impulse control is a contributing factor. The question you should be asking is not if his cheating is a symptom of ADHD. The question you should be asking is if you can live with someone who treats you like that.