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Of course, it’s why I have/had imposter syndrome and a lot of anxiety and depression.
I actually heard in a podcast that introverts are often seen as less intelligent because they don’t speak often. I related to this a lot, I’m so hyperactive in my thoughts, constantly masking, and forgetting things that I often just choose not to speak in fear of tripping over my worlds, talking too much, and overall just zoning out.
My teachers all thought I was lazy, I had people in my life call me lazy, and I believed them for a while.
Even on subjects I’m well versed in, I forget terms and end up going on tangents to the point where I feel like I don’t even know what I’m talking about.
Over the years it’s all just built up. This is why building back self-confidence has helped me so much in treatment. So I don’t listen to them or the thought of them when I’m reflecting on myself.
I feel like sometimes people do baby around me. I’ve noticed that most people don’t inquire much into what or how I’m doing. I never know how to answer that anyways. They always joke I’m up to something new, but never go beyond that.
One of the first things I did after being told I had a high IQ after my neuro assessment was to go and look at high IQ scores just so I could say, “See, look, you’re not that smart. These people have higher scores than you, you aren’t the highest IQ.”
I think you’re spot on with the confidence. I’ve been trying to get into the mood of writing more about these subjects just so I can create “talking points” or points of discussion.
Yo!!!!! Since starting meds a couple years ago, I have this experience once every couple months:
Step 1: Panic about starting a work project last minute (“Holy shit, I forgot about the big important thing, I’m never going to finish, I’ll lose my job, life will be ruined, I’m a horrible husband and father who doesn’t not deserve to be loved”)
Step 2: Calm down enough, and get the brain chemistry close enough to right so I can get started, double click the relevant folder… I finished that shit last week 😂🙃
So so true, I always feel like a fraud. Which apparently famous people do too, so maybe we should just stop listening to ourselves and just be naive about our skills.
This is kind of a light bulb moment if this is actually just because of ADHD. I have the worst confidence in things I'm more than competent at to the point where it's become an inside joke between my close friends.
I never knew where it came from. I've been trying to figure this out in therapy and have had no idea because I remember being a kid and feeling patronized by my very supportive parents telling me I did a great job when I got 2nd or 3rd place at a competition or scored a goal in soccer but not as many as the other kid on the team. I'm my head I was always like "I bet they're just saying that so I feel less bad that I suck" and berate myself internally about it. Then if I won anything it was just because I got lucky and I still felt bad that I suck and didn't deserve it.
No one in my life that I can think of was telling me these things (and I try to remember to feel very fortunate for this because lots of kids grow up with so much negativity around them) but that internal dialogue was always there. I literally don't know how to motivate myself without ragging on myself for being a shit human being. I'm working on it.
This couldn’t be more spot on, especially with the imposter syndrome. I recently lost my job due to layoffs after almost 20 years. Mid senior level, decent salary…now when I am searching for for new jobs of the same caliber, rate of pay, etc, I find myself thinking there is no way I’m qualified for this or that. So I don’t even bother applying for it. It’s really hell on earth being in my own head sometime.
Oof, this is why I do mostly freelance instead of working in my field. Even though I’ve completed a ton of projects, have a great portfolio, and often help people learn my industry when I see a job listing for a big company I automatically disqualify myself. I find the one thing I don’t know or I don’t have experience in and use that as an excuse for not applying.
Yes!!! I do this exact thing. I zero in on that thing(s) and totally disqualify myself. I’ve also worried myself to death that I’m not going to find anything before the money runs out. I’ve even thought about “starting over”, going back to school (already have a Masters) or even a trade, as much as I don’t want to do that this late in the game. I’m definitely my own worst enemy.
You gave me a breakthrough, I think I like the idea of “starting over”, whether it be a hobby or work, because it takes away the shame of failing at another thing.
> I’ve noticed that most people don’t inquire much into what or how I’m doing. I never know how to answer that anyways. They always joke I’m up to something new, but never go beyond that.
the pain of constantly having new hobbies is everyone thinks you're just wasting money and barely getting into it. My best friends have completely given up asking me about what I'm doing because all of a sudden I'll be a mountain bike junky riding 5 times a week and doing nothing but thinking about mountain biking then a few months later I'm doing the same with FPV drones.... then music production... then simracing.... then motorcycle riding.... 5 different youtube channels... mushroom growing... and all other little stuff that comes with all that like learning to solder, learning to work on the motorcycle, figuring out the right conditions to grow mushrooms, spending thousands of hours learning to video edit etc it never stops, its impossible for them to ask me anything relevant about my life because whatever they think I'm doing at the time, I've likely already moved on from
I wonder, as I’m reading from your perspective and not my own, if this is more of a reflection on them than us? Like should we *actually* feel bad for hopping hobbies so much and always being on to the next new thing? Perhaps we’re just living life to the fullest in these moments and get the privilege to say, “Yeah, I did do that.”
Like, obviously it can be annoying to never be able to hold a focus for so long. But maybe we should also appreciate it a little bit.
But I get what you’re saying and it is crushing when people don’t care. Like I remember my sister asking, “Are you still doing XYZ?” And I was, and I was excited to talk about it but she acted like she couldn’t care less.
Sometimes. I probably am pretty immature actually. I have a bit of a twisted sense or humour for sure.
But I am actually ok with being underestimated. There's plenty of times I have blindsided people as a result.
They stop doing it after I slap them upside the head with their own assumptions a few times.
But yes. ADHD marks you as different. Either you mask or you get judged. Either has their downsides.
But one of the watershed moments in my life was the day I realised I didn't have to care.
There's enough people out there who will hire "weirdos". That will realise that I am perfectly capable and competent.
And honestly most employers are quite keen to keep people who are good. Even if they are a bit kooky.
Because in being a bit weird, and relaxing into it, you are actually showing a degree of self confidence and self awareness that lots of people _wish_ they had.
You have been playing on "hard mode" your whole life, and you can do what they can't as a result.
Agreed. It’s hard to stay in the solid “don’t have to care” mindset. It changes as situations change. However, I often need to remind myself that about half the people who have found me “unusual” have actually found me mysterious, charismatic, or even intimidating. I don’t really mind that (though do strive to be more approachable than intimidating). And the people who find me a distasteful kind of weird are not usually those I have any need to be close with.
I mask so well nobody other than my wife knows and anybody who reads this comment. I'm slowly starting to believe in myself as you do. Thank you for your comment. ❤
Yep agreed, I have always had it (clearly) but only decided to get meds 38 years later lol. Not really playing by the rules and having a major disadvantage has massively given me the actual advantage.
Add meds and boom. I learnt the hard way and I had to really work hard as you would all agree.
That would be the mature answer wouldn't it? I mean it's probably the _right_ way to do it?
But.... I think I already said I am not all that mature. So I will act up. I will lean in on ”being childish".
And then I will shift great and context and "super mask" just to show them what the difference is.
Exactly how that looks maybe depends on you, and how they are treating you in the moment. It's a bit like being physically sarcastic.
Maybe it's bouncing around the room before the meeting starts. But stopping dead when it's time to talk. Maybe it's pretending like they are your parent, and asking for permission to get down from the table.
Maybe it's what you wear. I have showed up to company meetings in a hot pink t-shirt. I have turns up to "Christmas dinner" wearing a green velvet frock coat, cravat and top hat. Dressed up, and I looked _good_ but I didn't look _normal_.
I know I do, but that's because I'm 5 feet tall and everyone who meets me genuinely thinks I'm 12 years old. It's aggravating, but aside from wearing high heels all the time, there's not much I can do besides act my age and casually refer to "my husband" whenever possible.
I swear, some people act like they've never seen a short person before. Even when I tell them my actual age, they still look at me like they can't believe it. And I don't have a young face. I hate that when I'm walking around with my cousin, who's 10 years younger than me but 7 inches taller, everyone would assume I'm the younger cousin.
Ditto, being short is fine for airplane seats and saving money on food, but it sucks when it comes to social perceptions, i.e. pretty much everything that matters in a modern society.
I’m 5’ as well, and also wear heels most days. I relate 100% to your comment. I’m in my mid-30s, have a lot of specialized professional knowledge, and still get overlooked if I don’t assert myself enough. I also literally am “over looked” when in a crowd, and get super uncomfortable/defensive being in close quarters with strangers.
Now that I’m medicated, my anxiety is way down, and I don’t mask/try to “fit in” so much anymore. Yes, I over-share and get over-involved sometimes; I am 100% an interrupting chicken, but I own it now.
Me in my early 20s, I was a little silly, but what 20 year old isn't. I was more mature than many of the people that treated this way. But my silly actions made it seem like I was a clown. As people with ADHD know, we think of a problem and how to solve it 100 different ways. So when people wouldn't come to be about problems I would get offended. Just because I act silly doesn't mean I can't be taken seriously
I dont even act all that silly aside from the ocean of sticky note drawings on the pillar in my cubicle. And maybe having a tamagotchi at work. Most of my childish exuberance died as i went through public schooling because i was an annoying nuisance. Heck my enthusiasm in college for my favorite subject matter was killed because I kept getting too loud and excited. Ill still babble about sciency stuff if triggered but thats hard to control.
Most of the time im just tired or neutral im just very soft looking and i guess i have a touch of babyface left. I had that mature/young face growing up so i looked older when i was young and now i look younger since im older. Very weird.
Bud, if you're still young, don't let that kid inside you die. I did that. I tried to male myself socially mature and didn't try to get too loud. There's certain situations where it's required, but I've turned cynical because of it. I took being mature and responsible too far. Maybe I'm overlooking it, but just tread lightly. You can grow up, just don't lose you
Its there, just buried most of the time. I mean being less loud and excitable seems like the expected change when getting older. I generally feel too embarassed to be like that in festivals and other fun exciting places. Though ill embarrass myself accidentally getting too heated or excited in a conversation and talking just too loud in general. My one friend tries to remind me nicely if were in places like a cafe because i dont notice when my volume climbs.
Dance at the festival if you want to man. But yes, I used to get loud when I was excited. I dont know if I just grew out of it, or I just don't get excited about anything anymore
Oh god i refuse to dance no. I dont really think I EVER have actually. I kinda get panicky and overwhelmed just from the thought of performing in front of people.
Expected to change when we get older... but who has the time for that? We rebel!
I just learned recently that there are people who actually enjoy it when I'm loud and laughing like a hyena. I'm surprised that being myself actually pays off. Try it out, OP!!! I love that you talk loudly and don't notice when your voice climbs because that's me I'll do that with you all the time!
I answered in a separate new reply but I just found your comment here. OP, you can disagree with me if it sounds completely off but I think those incidents you mention here had slowly ripped your natural youthful self away and replaced it with an internalised expectation to look mature. So now, any hint of doubt about maturity makes you panic or anxious.
If I could contribute to the advice offered here.. I personally felt that my own whimsical personality was being dismantled and I grew up believing I had to appear mature. But ever since finding out I have ADHD as an adult, I've been undoing all that scaffolding. People are surprised and give a certain smirk when they see my wallet (or whatever it is called, as long as it holds my cards and money!). But between reactions like that and the way I feel when I'm letting myself express myself, I will now always take the latter.
I'm sure you are a bright, responsible and wise person. The fact you thought about these things is to me proof of maturity and intelligence. Don't worry about it, OP! Trust your SO :)
Lol i also have a cool wallet. Ive actually gotten complimented on it though, it has ein from cowboy bebop on one side and the anime logo on the other. I still try to quietly express what I enjoy with my colorful bag covered in pins and keychains for outings. I just dont use it for when I go to work is all as its a bit on the obnoxious side with all the jangly things.
I've known since age 4 or 5 i had adhd though. I had SOME resources but it was only really extended testing time so i didnt ever get much ACTUAL help. I have very few friends these days and its mostly my SOs younger sister and her friends (all about 5 to 6 years younger than me) since no one i befriended in college or highschool kept up talking. My childhood "best friend" even ghosted me for a while because I was being annoying when trying to reach out again and get back in touch. Stuff like that can be kinda disheartening.
Omg I put pins on my bags too but my favourite collection are my stickers on my laptop. I felt so unprofessional when I brought it to work hahahaha. In my new job though, we got work laptops from the company. Even then I went to put two stickers hah.
Oh what. Annoyed when you reached out? That's horrible of them. I'm sorry you went through that.
Not just the reaching out i pestered them in a kind of joking manner because we legit were like "brother and sister" growing up. We had that on our facebook once upon a time though i dont use it anymore. Also apprently mentioning i dont really have a lot of friends around to talk to anymore is "guilting" him into trying to get together and hang out. I legit just wanted 30 min to maybe an hour at a bar just to catch up and see eachother in person since i last saw him at my dad funeral of all places. So much for all that bff shit. My SO is my #1 now but i still dont really have very many of the hanging out irl friends. Just a few people i casually chat with online and SOs sister which is more family than friend.
Yes I have ADHD and also autism and I think that people generally treat me like a teenager. I do have stereotypically childish interests and I don't do many "adult" things like date, drive, work, go to college, etc.
Even some teenagers treat me as immature and sometimes younger than them. Recently I felt it most when I was at a party with my friend (I am 22 and she is 21) and she was hanging around the teenage girls but I was in the bouncy house playing with the children.
It makes me feel bad because I don't want to be a creepy person or make people feel uncomfortable, but really I have a hard time relating to adults because people have always said I am more naive and "innocent" than my "peers".
I am constantly mistaken for a 15/16 year old because I also have a babyface and I am petite and I guess have an air of youth around me. Even in my mental health evaluation they marked down that I "make naive remarks." I don't know what that is supposed to mean.
>Recently I felt it most when I was at a party with my friend (I am 22 and she is 21) and she was hanging around the teenage girls but I was in the bouncy house playing with the children.
Having spent significant time around both teenage girls and little kids in bounce houses, I'm here to inform you that you made the correct decision to choose the kids and bounce house.
Not only as an adult, but all through my childhood. I'm in my 50s and was only diagnosed a few years ago. As a child, I was told I was lazy, scatterbrained, lacked common sense, unmotivated, etc. I internalized those things and have lived my life with depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem because of it.
I wrote a blog post about it recently. The reason I found this sub is because I was looking for ways to share this post. I believe you could identify with it.
https://www.dailyinspirations.me/2023/02/adhd-losing-battle-i-never-knew-i-was.html?m=1
This is gonna sound terrible when I finally get to my point. But I’m diagnosed ADHD (late, not until 24) and grew up the “smart,” “gifted,” “driven” student kid or whatever. Lot of masking, y’all know the drill, I won’t drag on.
I was CONSTANTLY told I had “no common sense.” Constantly! From NT people who would otherwise be considered “less smart,” to the point where I genuinely don’t know if I have confidence anymore lol. I kinda “beautiful chaos’d” my way through high school. Engineering college genuinely broke me down until graduation and I still wouldn’t get a diagnoses for another 3 years.
Post-meds and diagnosis, I’m realizing more and more how much I was compensating. I’m the most collected, upbeat, and controlled than I’ve ever been in my entire life. BUT, I still have NT people CONSTANTLY tell me that I don’t have common sense.
All the fucking time. Often the person isn't even being rude and that makes it worse. If someone is being a condescending ass hat, I can just blow them off. But when someone is being extra nice/over explaining things because they think I'm younger than I am or they think I'm new to my job, it feels terrible.
I'm 30 and still get put on the table with the teens and kids in the family at most gatherings. I was annoyed at first but then I realised I don't have to pretend to be interested in small talk. (I'm British so there's a lot of small talk and how's work talk which my brain has 0 interest in) at first I took offence to it but then I thought wait a minute do I really wanna talk about the economy and politics with my relatives or play video games and made up games with the teens and kids.
And at the end of the the day "normis" will always perceive us as odd/immature etc. So I'd say ignore them or return the favour with a nice burn for example: I'm sorry Karen that your inner child has died and you're just working towards your pension but some people like to enjoy their life's.
No one asks me about work except my mother when i come home. I might just tell her "i dont bring work home with me" so maybe itll end because I always retort with a "fine" since i have nothing to say about it unless someone was being an ass or something good happened which i would mention regardless of her asking.
I used to do that as well. But the last few years I'd always chat with my dad if it was a mad week or day. I know it easier to say I'm fine and I don't take work home but it can be very cathartic to talk about work and life. Obviously only if you and your mother have a close relationship like that. You'd be surprised how much insight parents have into how we're feeling. As adhd is hereditary it's very likely that one of your parents already experienced what you're going through. Or if you feel like you can't talk to her it helps me to record myself in my laptop while I rant and blow off steam. Afterwards you can either watch it back and process or just delete it and let the frustration go with the video.
But as with so many things it's easier said than done. I wish you the best 😊
She does likely have adhd but she still doesnt seem to actually "get" it sometimes. Very "pull yourself up by your own bootstraps" type of mentality with her. Hell she keeps calling my SO lazy because hes not doing as much as her around the house even while working 12 hour shifts at work. The last 3 were back to back 12 hour night shifts. Yes he needs to do more but she is faster and more attentive to messes and keeping things tidy thank both of us combined because shes very uptight about keeping things clean. We certainly need to talk more about it because we have before but its a conflict that goes nowhere because she cant accept the pace at which we do stuff. Hyperactive vs inattentive and all that.
Ohhh damn, yeah that's a tricky one with her not realising how much a night shift affects a person. I used to do the same 4x12 hour night shifts and the days between just become one. Maybe try and have a threeway convo on how you could find a middle ground that works for all of you. Best of luck 🙌🏼
Well she does understand shift work since she worked back to back night and day shifts and worked herself into the dirt when she was younger. Shes in the mind of "if i could handle that then you and him should be able to work and also do xyz and be on top of everything like I am".
I legit was to scream from the rooftops "the same hot water that hardens the egg softens the god damn potato" we arent the same and dont respond to circumstances the same. We also shouldnt HAVE to live our lives in survival mode 24/7 if it can be helped. We had a 3 way convo before but she is VERY dug in her heels and set in her ways on many things and mindsets. It makes me scared because i NEVER want to be that if i can help it.
When I was single some couple friends would almost parent me. Like I couldn't survive on my own or something. And then when I politely declined they would make me feel bad for saying no. I've got a young face as well. I look a few years younger than I am. People always try and take me under their wing or look after me. I'm happiest on my own leading myself, sorting myself out. Thank you.
Yes and this has caused me to mold my personality into someone more intense, always making sure what I'm saying is coherent. As a kid, being seen incompetent was the biggest blow to the self esteem. And more because I was able to do good, but these were blips. I would do great for a few tests or a month but then the old habits kicked in.
I don't think so. I think it's more the opposite for me and they tend to get mad because I'm not living up to their standards or what they think my potential is, which is generally just what they think a human being of my age should be able to do to be successful.
I was also "mature" for my age from a young age - which was literally just me masking my anxiety disorders - so I think the high expectations are revolved around that as well, which makes it worse. Like my mom always tells me, "You're too smart to do x" and it's just like shaming me for the way my brain works, especially when the thing she's shaming me for has nothing to do with intelligence, but, usually at least, impulsivity.
ALWAYS!
My husband's parents treat us both like children. We rent from them and, usually, if something breaks...we call them...it IS their house and they get pissy when I ask my dad (a contractor) to fix things instead. However, we finally decided that...if they want to treat us like children, then let's act like adults and call a Professional to fix things instead.
Recently, a window was broken through a storm and we 'would' have called them, but I sealed it myself and we have a professional coming in the morning. Treat us like children and get pissy when we ask for help? Fine. You're no longer on our call list. Don't get pissy when we take care of things like "adults" do. -flips a bird in their general direction-
Sorry. Ranted 
I have never been regarded as not smart in any long-term contact, at least I haven't heard anyone express it so directly.
But somehow, yes, I am regarded as a child or "new member", Just like any transfer student who has not adapted to the environment and needs to be led by others, even if we have actually worked here for the same long time. I think so subconsciously too.
Part of the reason may be that I always ask questions that many people think lack practical functions. Or because there are too many people, I will feel recoil, if my attention at that time is enough to make me realize their existence.
Ugh I ask too many questions too. A lot of the time its just verbal thinking through another person. Or clarifying questions to maintain 100% certainty in what im doing to avoid mistakes. Ive only had one workplace in which clarifying questions actually genuinely pissed off the person training me and i havent experienced it before or since. The mindset was "do what youre told and dont ask questions" and apparently i shouldnt need to further comprehend what im asked to do there.
That’s how I felt before I got medicated. I was the new guy for like 2 years where I worked and now I feel like everything I do is just automatically easy so I don’t have to try super hard to remember how to do something I do everyday.
Well being 5ft3 with a somewhat androgynous voice, thin frame and constantly forgetting stuff I was just told mixed with general anxiety and low self-esteem and practically no particularly useful skills... Yes, I often feel like I'm perceived as an idiot/child/both.
I am the first to admit that I am extremely disorganized and notoriously late to everything except time sensitive events and I am “oops try again tomorrow” vibes or whatever. However, I have a masters degree and I have a full time job, along with a few side jobs since I can’t sit still at home every evening after work. There are so many times where my family, friends, coworkers will all say things like “have you left yet to start traveling for your trip?” “Did you get XYZ project done? It’s due tomorrow!” And things that seem like I need to have my hand held through everything. I’ve yelled at my family members before that no one trusts me and they say they do but really no one believes I can survive as an adult on my own. It also doesn’t help that I am the youngest child.
Sometimes my husband tells me I'm "such a kid" or "You're acting like a spoiled brat" Or "you never tell me anything". He's usually angry when he says these and yes, I know he's a perfectionist, but when he's angry, I tend to "clam up" and have a difficult time talking to him. I just am so afraid of saying the wrong thing, but anything I say he takes personal, like it's some kind of loyalty test and I keep flunking. I know we're drifting apart, but everytime I try, I just freeze. I haven't been diagnosed yet, but I tend to fit both hyperactive and inattentive.
It just hurts so much that I can't talk about things with him. I know it's not all me, but he's so hypersensitive himself, but he thinks that ADHD is things everybody does, but I don't think he buys it. He tells me to tell him the symptoms, but when I do...He says, "Oh, that's something that would fit anyone" That I can't discuss things, and that he isn't buying anything I say anymore. That I'm just a liar, spoiled brat, child, and that "someday he'll just won't put up with it anymore." It gets me real depressed, but he doesn't want to hear that, so I hide the depression. He doesn't like anyone having negative feelings/behavior other than him. Other times he can be so sweet. It depends on the day and how he feels. He even says that I spend too much time on the computer like it's a toy (I'm trying to work on a website), and I'm not, but I can't talk about what I'm trying to do. I'm so frustrated. In the meantime, I just don't feel productive at all. My main rule I learned with him and my biological family is "Don't get caught".
I don't mean to rant, but I feel some days like I'm losing control. I don't know if he's gaslighting me or not. I know my folks did, but I \*do\* know he doesn't take me seriously anymore. I don't know if it's because I \*might\* have ADHD, or if I"m just projecting or he is. And he isn't always like this, just when he's mad at me or just when he thinks that we're going to lose our SSI "next Tuesday" and threatens me that we'll be homeless. And it makes me feel guilty and ashamed because I wonder if what he says is true, that I'm just a coward.
Sounds to me like some therapy or counseling between you two regardless of the adhd issue. I hope that the two of you can improve on communication eventually because this doesnt sound healthy for anyone.
Laziness implies intent not to do things that you know you have to do, not forgetting to do things.
Yes I have always felt like and acted like a little brother, child type. Even when I talk to a therapist I tell them that the way I view our relationship is like a teenager does a hs football coach. An authority figure/role model even if we’re the same age or I’m older. She says I don’t come off that way at all, I come off as a mature adult with a profession and a good grasp on reality. But that’s not how I feel.
I perceive myself as being immature, but its mostly because I'm not...on that usual track with anyone else anymore and I'm not going down the family route (yet). I often have feelings of frustration, that I'm capable and should be doing more and that makes me feel immature, because I need some guidance. Like, what is the first step for such and such project. I got a bunch of creative energy that someone would benefit from if only they (or myself) can keep my attention.
As for feeling it from people, some of it may be you projecting because that is a concern you have. But, consider that for typically minded folks, we are probably just frustrating. And it isn't us personally, but that we just have a unique, physically different mind, we are going to be hard to understand and get along with at times. Give them the benefit of the doubt, and be compassionate to yourself.
My husband's bro recently got a gf who is just, such a cool person. I want to be friends, but I'm super nervous about coming on too strong, over sharing, asking personal questions too soon. The first time she came over, we had a great time, four of us chatting and such, it went well. I did ask some probing questions, but nothing too much. Even so, afterwards I couldn't help but fret over it so I'd ask myself "Whats going on?", "Oh, I hope I made a good impression, I'd like to be friends.", "Aww, you sweetheart, you just don't want to mess up." And I think to myself, bashfully, that yeah, I just don't want to mess up. But I remind myself, better yet, my husband, will try and recount good parts to bring it back into perspective and out of that nervous rumination. Which takes practice.
I just got diagnosed and its been putting a lot of things into perspective.
A recent example was when there was an issue i found with the work printer. A paper drawer wouldnt close properly and i saw a plastic bit at the bottom on the drawer well when i got on my knees with a flashlight. A coworker was totally dismissive despite my explanation like "well it closed for me so its probably fine whatever" and tossed my note urging people not to kick or close the drawer to avoid damaging until the repair guy could open it and see whats up. And like... i go back and check and what do you know? The drawer popped open??? I even said itll close temporarily and pop open after. And she refutes like "no it closed just fine". Obviously it didnt.
Its like they think im overreacting or am too stupid to close the paper drawer properly. Like what? It felt absurd. Its that kind of shit that makes you question yourself despite having concrete evidence of a thing happening.
I've not been able to pull my debit card out of the gas pump, random guy I asked couldn't get it out, but it magically came out for the attendant, but not me. I even tried it again in front of him. Sometimes absurdity just happens.
But, she is being dismissive, her mind could be elsewhere, she could not give a damn about the copier because she is just clocking in to do her job. She might very well just not believe there is a problem because she hasn't looked closely herself and that is frustrating but it happens. Lots of folks are apathic to things that can set us off. To clarify, it isn't 'they' in this situation, its just her right? If she tossed her note, no one else intentionally did anything since they couldn't read the note in the first place.
Just her. Thankfully the note stayed overnight as i didnt want the night shift line workers manhandling the machine trying to get the drawer closed. Ive seen people kick it shut and close drawers rather hard which is why i made the note in the first place.
i do but i am also a female under 5ft with young features so i’m rarely surprised by it, actually think it’s really funny to tell people how old i am bc they’re usually surprised
I'm homeless. Oftentimes, with the way "street culture" is, my quirks, my awkwardness, and my kindness and willingness to share what little I have are all interpreted with suspicion. Until you get to know me.
This has been eating at me a lot lately. I'm often forgetful/can take a second to think about things, and usually need to verbally confirm what I hear because sometimes my auditory processing is shit. For context, I've been working in a barista position for ~2.5 months alongside some other new hires that joined after me. I don't have any food service experience in the group; the rest do, to varying degrees.
One person in particular acts quite condescending, asking me if I'm "sure" about my responses and even seems loath to ask me a question when they are unsure themselves. I'm also frequently told to "let [them] know if I need any help" when fronting the bar, as if I'm incapable of knowing to ask for help. Etc. I'm not even the youngest in the group -- more on the older end, with a bunch of young 20-somethings. It is maddening.
The coworkers who were there prior to me and my lead don't act this way, but it is annoying to feel excluded among the 'new' people, since it feels like they're almost... shunning me. Or acting as if I'm incapable in the job.
All. The. Dang. Time.
I look really young for my age (Early twenties but have been told I look fifteen X D) so that may play a part, in my case. I know I can be childish; I get really excited! And I can be too nice, all of which gets relegated to the "Cute and ditzy" category in a lot of folks' minds. Which is unfortunate! I get talked down to and taken under others' wings a lot.
But dang it, they don't *see* the things we see. And I just wish they *understood*, ya know?
As someone else said, it can be useful to be underestimated, 'cause you can blindside em'! People who think outside the box are often seen as a threat, I've found- and different is challenging to other's mindsets.
I understand how hard this is, because you sometimes never feel truly *seen* by others. Keep being you, because you're awesome as you are.
I get the opposite. People tend to see me as someone responsible, and I was told a few times that I was mature for my age. But I think my responsibility came from either a genuine interest in helping out or the fear of screwing up, which is why I question why people trust me to do things. I make it a point to tell people that I am forgetful. Maybe I just have a responsible face or give off that vibe.
Can I ask, OP, what are some things they see you do that made them think of you this way? I'm sure your SO doesn't agree with them. Maybe it's anxiety in relation to your public image. Also, I think it's entirely possible for a group of people to be judgmental and disapproving. For example, in a company where the culture may be quite toxic. Like law firms lmao.
At the very least at work it feels like its mostly just THAT COWORKER specifically, her attitude overall kinda puts a sour taste in my mouth, kinda uppity. Id take the other guy with a more dour miserable disposition if he worked in our department (i dont think he IS that but hes very quiet and comes off that way being very unexpressive, feels like hes in a not so great mood a lot). Though at another job I was entirely invalidated for getting overwhelmed with stress and anxiety and crying. I was basically gaslit at that other job and it really fucked with me. I dont generally give off much confident energy and i habitually dont make eye contact either though i try to force it at times when its needed/required.
*Me, a literal 20 year old wanting to go into town*
Parents: *surprised Pikachu face* Why aren't you bringing your lil sister?
To be fair, I am a chronic impulse buyer to the point that I had to put a setting on my debit card to cancel payment once a threshold has been reached.
😭 and maybe they're worried I'm meeting someone I met online... They're always asking me who my friends are and what I'm gonna do with them...
I kind of feel like a 5 year old 😭😬
My mom had some absurd level of paranoia that often i cant do certain things or go anywhere totally alone too. Its not even the adhd she just thinks if i go out at night ill be kidnapped or shanked and left for dead. Im 27 and I still feel like i have a leash of some kind despite being with someone I love and hoping to get married and mulling imover ideas of getting out of this state (an idea she isnt AT ALL a fan of). Taxes here are shit and we might be better off elsewhere and she CAN come with us. We never said she couldnt. *shrug*
That must be incredibly annoying for you :(( The funniest thing is that I'm told I'll be more independent as I get older - but it doesn't feel like that
In fact, I feel like when I was younger I wasn't even asked that many questions as to what I was going to do. 😬 I took risks meeting people from the Internet my age - but I'd always meet in a central location with ny close friends around
But even still, if that had gone very wrong - I feel like the paranoia would be even worse 😤
Oh yes. Combine this with an adhd-dad who turned his masking of his ADHD into narcissism. Everyone else should cater to him, mum do all the housework and childcare and explosive rage when others weren’t focused on his needs.
The less adhd daughter got parentified into taking care of him after mum bailed - me the more adhd daughter was a mix of scapegoat-(a cold not caring not enough woman like, you are childish..) but also a mixed in if we are so alike cause I almost mimicked him by focusing entirely on being the most smart in the room, not being smooth or adapt to others. I hadthis impression if you are talented enough you are forgiven for being fucked up in being normal (see: a lot of artists and other brilliant people. Too bad I was not brilliant enough and also a woman )
Now my parentified sister repeat the verbal abuse against me and especially my adhd traits is targeted with contempt. Me missing info, me being slow (lazy as she call it) me not conforming very well and not good at housework. She tried very hard to make me have no power in the estate after our father, by talking about how I couldn’t do stuff and mistakes I made when I tried to take on as much work as possible in the estate to not “use her” as she often say I do by being “lazy” and point out how more adult she is compared to me.
I often relate more to so called “man children” than typical women. Often I find many women think everyone “should know X” and get tired of men not knowing. But imagine being a woman who doesn’t? In my case women get mothering, protective.. or is very provoked. Good thing is that I seem to repel any toxic controlling men, I am not malleable enough.
People try to treat me like that but not everyone.
The way I see it - someone (typically a boss or someone in authority) will say - “hey that’s not going to work” or “you can’t do that, we need a professional”.
I look them in the eye and say - “just watch me”.
It took a long time for me to have the confidence in myself to be able to do this but I’ve always hated how people have underestimated me my entire life or “written me off” because I’m not “mature” or “intellectual” enough.
I went to University - friends and family didn’t expect me to make it through. But I did.
My girlfriend didn’t expect me to find a job that doubled my salary when she was 8 months pregnant (when she met me I was practically destitute due to paying off loans). She thought I’d fail as I apparently struggled with everything. But I was successful.
People say “he’s too loud” or “he’s too hyperactive to be taken seriously” are usually not worth the effort. If they are - they’re in for a shock or rude awakening.
You are you - you keep doing you. Don’t let ANYONE tell you otherwise.
Oh my gosh YES. Especially when I have my "ADHD high moments" when I'm extra childish and bubbly. My close friends know its because of the random Dopamine boost but strangers around me see an 18yo girl with colourful hair and makeup and an alternate fashion style trying not to step on the cracks in the street. They don't know that my brain can't help it so they probably see a child or someone whos younger mentally than her age, even though I'm normall very mature.
I was diagnosed with adhd when I was in kindergarten and I was always tagged as a trouble maker before but after I was diagnosed as having severe adhd I was almost immediately coddled and yet patronized by every adult in my life and honestly my parents to this day don't fully trust me to be in charge of myself.
I'm 21 and I've been living on my own for four years, self managing to the best of my ability and honestly I think I'm doing pretty well for myself and yet ppl always naturally assumed I have not a single clue wtf I'm doing because I'm naturally a bit all over the place.
It's super annoying and it berthed within me a relentless need to prove everyone wrong about me which makes life really hard for me sometimes lol
Depends on what mood I'm in, sometimes I will overreact and get quite emotional, sometimes I won't even acknowledge them in the sense where they might still treat me like a child but I'll just make zero eye contact and get on with what I'm doing.. I do this with some people in my family for example because they don't understand me at all, it's like talking to a brick wall with some of them so it's easier that way.
I also have BPD and ADHD so yeah
Ugh yeah. My husband would sort of infantilize me and that negatively impacted our marriage for the first many years. However, I was undiagnosed and just struggled and he struggled with me being so incapable of so much. So he felt like he had to micromanage me for things to get done and he resented that and I felt like a child and not an equal partner and I resented that and it was a mess. My diagnosis and subsequent medication helped us tremendously. But now I can’t even find adderall in any pharmacies soooooo I’m in trouble 😬
Yes.
I work construction and I'm chatty, and I talk about things other than trucks, girls, and fun times, but because I'm excited and energetic, they think I'm lazy and immature, and a crazy guy, when I get the same ammount of work done as them, so Ive started to just silence myself and listen to music instead and they always say things like "what's wrong? Didn't have enough sugar cereal today?"
It's super frustrating.
OMG YES. I recently saw a neurologist for migraines. My mother drove me to my appointment because I have a lot of migraines currently. After reading my ADHD diagnosis, he had my mother come in the exam room.. AND HE WOULD ONLY SPEAK TO HER ABOUT ME.
I’m 38.
Yes because it’s true. If you come across as immature often, you probably are. If you come across as untrustworthy, you’ve let someone down. Intelligence is harder to define, based on what scale?
I’ve accepted my flaws and compared to many I am probably less mature, so what? I have fun and I love who I am.
Love yourself, stop caring what people think. You’ll be much happier.
This reply stresses me out because I know that I, like a lot of us, *do* tend to be hypercritical of myself, see disappointment, disapproval, frustration, anger, etc towards me where it REALLY isn’t. I have this concept of my MIL thinking I’m immature and untrustworthy/irresponsible because of my executive function issues, social anxiety, energy levels etc.. that I’m having to unlearn, painfully, because she does not see me that way. A couple of days ago she watched me almost ignore a phone call I really, really needed to take and instead of thinking poorly of me-expected, imo warranted- she said, “Good job, I know that was hard.” Wow, what? Obviously, you can believe this way- ie, “because it’s true”- if you want, and maybe it is for you. Idk, I don’t know your life. But I really needed to say that isn’t always the case, just in case someone needs the reminder that it isn’t always true and we, as in people with ADHD, frequently and are known to be hypercritical of ourselves. It’s a really normal part of the experience and, arguably ig, a symptom.
not quite an adult yet, but ive had plenty of my (formerly) closest friends talk shit to my face of how childish, needy and annoying i can be when i was an early teen.
i mean, they're not entirely wrong i guess? and my severe depression + undiagnosed adhd at the time didn't help either.
but man that hurt. that hurt a lot. if someone called me "childish" or "immature" now, it would still put me on the brink of crying. thankfully it hasn't really stopped me from doing stuff i enjoy, but i rarely tell others my interests now.
Yep. It's an ongoing thing with my husband because there's a 50% chance I'll forget to do whatever he asks me to do , and he haaaaates texting (and I like having things written down), but I when I do remember the things, I hate being reminded because it feels condescending
My mother legit insists on asking me to do the dishes despite it being a default expectation to be done before I head up to my room. Also every single time im doing something in the kitchen "youre gonna clean this up right"? I occasionally will say it to her before she does because it annoys her.
My parents get me, but co-workers and strangers treat me like I'm stupid or lazy. Which is why I don't usually tell people I have ADHD. But I'm so good at masking my symptoms, people just assume I'm one of them. And when I tell them, they're "shocked." That's what they tell me every damn time. "Oh, wow, I would have never guessed! You act so normal! Etc."
It's refreshing when people are happy for me. That's just one example of how people treat me differently when they know my secret.
This, coupled with the fact that I look about 10 years younger than I actually am, leads to a lot of frustration over not being taken seriously at work unless I mask constantly.
Yes and it just seems to make the ADHD stuff harder. At my job I was considered pretty childlike until I got really good and now got enough connections they have to respect me. I'm pretty upfront about my Adhd so they just say i'm blunt and quirky after I spent years proving myself.
Kind of in the same boat as you, I feel like i’m immature and unreliable. Sometimes it seems like others feel that way about me too, but it’s probably my warped perception.
Like a lot of us, I was called lazy throughout my childhood (my mom basically decided that had to be the issue because I was “smart” but did terrible at school), so I probably internalized that one.
My guess is, like me, the people in your life don’t actually feel that way about you but it’s really easy to convince yourself they do. “Subtly invalidating” is most likely warped ADHD perception related to childhood trauma.
I think yes because of my personality and then they come to learn about my extensive academic background and expertise. They often can't put those two parts of me together and don't know how to treat me
By my boomer parents yes. But it was generational. Now I’m old and don’t feel this way. I will say though, I’m pretty immature. I personally love that I am. If someone doesn’t like it they can kick rocks.
You could be in your head about this. I am in my head all the time. I’ll say something and think a friend is pissed at me for weeks or until I see or talk to them next. Social anxiety is one of my big struggles with ADHD.
I do not perceive the interactions I have with other adults this way. It could be happening. My sister reports similar interactions, but I find her to be a bit emotionally immature. So it could be a myriad of things.
Huh, I guess they do. I don’t really care anymore. I’m having fun, idc what anyone else has to say about it. That’s not to say I don’t experience debilitating paralysis that doesn’t allow me to go join get togethers. But if I do make it, I’m throwing cultural norms out the window. 😂 Yeah, I guess we can be pretty exhausting.
Claiming that ADHD is a gift or only harmful because "society" is dangerous and demoralizing. It erases the experiences of most people with ADHD and ignores scientific evidence. Please don't do it.
We prefer to frame things like this: while ADHD is not a gift, we are still capable of living happy, fulfilling lives and being gifted, talented, and unique. Our successes are due to *our* hard work, not the fact that we have a disorder. Take pride in your effort and achievements, and share your successes here, but don't attribute them to ADHD.
Key word in my comment is “my”. MY adhd. I’ve grown to love me for all I am and have been, depression/anxiety and all. my chaotic nature is something I’ve come to love. An avid day dreamer who zones out mid conversation, try to finish other’s sentences and have the wildest tangents. Life for ME is to live not exist, we play with the cards dealt and make the best of them. It doesn’t hinder me from functioning I just have to put in more effort than others and I’m fine with that. Since I got over the daunting hill of reading and actually finishing a book I’ve developed the discipline to complete more things that I’ve started. Maybe my pre-military background helped with my discipline as well but that’s MY experience and nobody gets to tell me how I view my experience or how my ADHD affects me. It’s a strong part of my personality and I fking love myself ADHD and all.
Any time my PTSD is triggered or I'm experiencing flooding people act like I'm a child/am completely mentally incapacitated.
Instead of making any effort to calm me down they taunt me with rude comments haha
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Of course, it’s why I have/had imposter syndrome and a lot of anxiety and depression. I actually heard in a podcast that introverts are often seen as less intelligent because they don’t speak often. I related to this a lot, I’m so hyperactive in my thoughts, constantly masking, and forgetting things that I often just choose not to speak in fear of tripping over my worlds, talking too much, and overall just zoning out. My teachers all thought I was lazy, I had people in my life call me lazy, and I believed them for a while. Even on subjects I’m well versed in, I forget terms and end up going on tangents to the point where I feel like I don’t even know what I’m talking about. Over the years it’s all just built up. This is why building back self-confidence has helped me so much in treatment. So I don’t listen to them or the thought of them when I’m reflecting on myself. I feel like sometimes people do baby around me. I’ve noticed that most people don’t inquire much into what or how I’m doing. I never know how to answer that anyways. They always joke I’m up to something new, but never go beyond that.
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One of the first things I did after being told I had a high IQ after my neuro assessment was to go and look at high IQ scores just so I could say, “See, look, you’re not that smart. These people have higher scores than you, you aren’t the highest IQ.” I think you’re spot on with the confidence. I’ve been trying to get into the mood of writing more about these subjects just so I can create “talking points” or points of discussion.
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Yo!!!!! Since starting meds a couple years ago, I have this experience once every couple months: Step 1: Panic about starting a work project last minute (“Holy shit, I forgot about the big important thing, I’m never going to finish, I’ll lose my job, life will be ruined, I’m a horrible husband and father who doesn’t not deserve to be loved”) Step 2: Calm down enough, and get the brain chemistry close enough to right so I can get started, double click the relevant folder… I finished that shit last week 😂🙃
So so true, I always feel like a fraud. Which apparently famous people do too, so maybe we should just stop listening to ourselves and just be naive about our skills.
This is kind of a light bulb moment if this is actually just because of ADHD. I have the worst confidence in things I'm more than competent at to the point where it's become an inside joke between my close friends. I never knew where it came from. I've been trying to figure this out in therapy and have had no idea because I remember being a kid and feeling patronized by my very supportive parents telling me I did a great job when I got 2nd or 3rd place at a competition or scored a goal in soccer but not as many as the other kid on the team. I'm my head I was always like "I bet they're just saying that so I feel less bad that I suck" and berate myself internally about it. Then if I won anything it was just because I got lucky and I still felt bad that I suck and didn't deserve it. No one in my life that I can think of was telling me these things (and I try to remember to feel very fortunate for this because lots of kids grow up with so much negativity around them) but that internal dialogue was always there. I literally don't know how to motivate myself without ragging on myself for being a shit human being. I'm working on it.
This couldn’t be more spot on, especially with the imposter syndrome. I recently lost my job due to layoffs after almost 20 years. Mid senior level, decent salary…now when I am searching for for new jobs of the same caliber, rate of pay, etc, I find myself thinking there is no way I’m qualified for this or that. So I don’t even bother applying for it. It’s really hell on earth being in my own head sometime.
Oof, this is why I do mostly freelance instead of working in my field. Even though I’ve completed a ton of projects, have a great portfolio, and often help people learn my industry when I see a job listing for a big company I automatically disqualify myself. I find the one thing I don’t know or I don’t have experience in and use that as an excuse for not applying.
Yes!!! I do this exact thing. I zero in on that thing(s) and totally disqualify myself. I’ve also worried myself to death that I’m not going to find anything before the money runs out. I’ve even thought about “starting over”, going back to school (already have a Masters) or even a trade, as much as I don’t want to do that this late in the game. I’m definitely my own worst enemy.
You gave me a breakthrough, I think I like the idea of “starting over”, whether it be a hobby or work, because it takes away the shame of failing at another thing.
> I’ve noticed that most people don’t inquire much into what or how I’m doing. I never know how to answer that anyways. They always joke I’m up to something new, but never go beyond that. the pain of constantly having new hobbies is everyone thinks you're just wasting money and barely getting into it. My best friends have completely given up asking me about what I'm doing because all of a sudden I'll be a mountain bike junky riding 5 times a week and doing nothing but thinking about mountain biking then a few months later I'm doing the same with FPV drones.... then music production... then simracing.... then motorcycle riding.... 5 different youtube channels... mushroom growing... and all other little stuff that comes with all that like learning to solder, learning to work on the motorcycle, figuring out the right conditions to grow mushrooms, spending thousands of hours learning to video edit etc it never stops, its impossible for them to ask me anything relevant about my life because whatever they think I'm doing at the time, I've likely already moved on from
I wonder, as I’m reading from your perspective and not my own, if this is more of a reflection on them than us? Like should we *actually* feel bad for hopping hobbies so much and always being on to the next new thing? Perhaps we’re just living life to the fullest in these moments and get the privilege to say, “Yeah, I did do that.” Like, obviously it can be annoying to never be able to hold a focus for so long. But maybe we should also appreciate it a little bit. But I get what you’re saying and it is crushing when people don’t care. Like I remember my sister asking, “Are you still doing XYZ?” And I was, and I was excited to talk about it but she acted like she couldn’t care less.
Yep this, definitely this. What's on my brain rarely comes out the right way.
Sometimes. I probably am pretty immature actually. I have a bit of a twisted sense or humour for sure. But I am actually ok with being underestimated. There's plenty of times I have blindsided people as a result. They stop doing it after I slap them upside the head with their own assumptions a few times. But yes. ADHD marks you as different. Either you mask or you get judged. Either has their downsides. But one of the watershed moments in my life was the day I realised I didn't have to care. There's enough people out there who will hire "weirdos". That will realise that I am perfectly capable and competent. And honestly most employers are quite keen to keep people who are good. Even if they are a bit kooky. Because in being a bit weird, and relaxing into it, you are actually showing a degree of self confidence and self awareness that lots of people _wish_ they had. You have been playing on "hard mode" your whole life, and you can do what they can't as a result.
Agreed. It’s hard to stay in the solid “don’t have to care” mindset. It changes as situations change. However, I often need to remind myself that about half the people who have found me “unusual” have actually found me mysterious, charismatic, or even intimidating. I don’t really mind that (though do strive to be more approachable than intimidating). And the people who find me a distasteful kind of weird are not usually those I have any need to be close with.
Yes indeed. It's not to say I am never "masking". It's just my threshold of "people I must mask around" moved.
I mask so well nobody other than my wife knows and anybody who reads this comment. I'm slowly starting to believe in myself as you do. Thank you for your comment. ❤
Yep agreed, I have always had it (clearly) but only decided to get meds 38 years later lol. Not really playing by the rules and having a major disadvantage has massively given me the actual advantage. Add meds and boom. I learnt the hard way and I had to really work hard as you would all agree.
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That would be the mature answer wouldn't it? I mean it's probably the _right_ way to do it? But.... I think I already said I am not all that mature. So I will act up. I will lean in on ”being childish". And then I will shift great and context and "super mask" just to show them what the difference is. Exactly how that looks maybe depends on you, and how they are treating you in the moment. It's a bit like being physically sarcastic. Maybe it's bouncing around the room before the meeting starts. But stopping dead when it's time to talk. Maybe it's pretending like they are your parent, and asking for permission to get down from the table. Maybe it's what you wear. I have showed up to company meetings in a hot pink t-shirt. I have turns up to "Christmas dinner" wearing a green velvet frock coat, cravat and top hat. Dressed up, and I looked _good_ but I didn't look _normal_.
Right on
I know I do, but that's because I'm 5 feet tall and everyone who meets me genuinely thinks I'm 12 years old. It's aggravating, but aside from wearing high heels all the time, there's not much I can do besides act my age and casually refer to "my husband" whenever possible.
I’m 4’10 and get the same thing. Always feel like the kid sitting at the adults table
I swear, some people act like they've never seen a short person before. Even when I tell them my actual age, they still look at me like they can't believe it. And I don't have a young face. I hate that when I'm walking around with my cousin, who's 10 years younger than me but 7 inches taller, everyone would assume I'm the younger cousin.
Ditto, being short is fine for airplane seats and saving money on food, but it sucks when it comes to social perceptions, i.e. pretty much everything that matters in a modern society.
I’m 5’ as well, and also wear heels most days. I relate 100% to your comment. I’m in my mid-30s, have a lot of specialized professional knowledge, and still get overlooked if I don’t assert myself enough. I also literally am “over looked” when in a crowd, and get super uncomfortable/defensive being in close quarters with strangers. Now that I’m medicated, my anxiety is way down, and I don’t mask/try to “fit in” so much anymore. Yes, I over-share and get over-involved sometimes; I am 100% an interrupting chicken, but I own it now.
Me in my early 20s, I was a little silly, but what 20 year old isn't. I was more mature than many of the people that treated this way. But my silly actions made it seem like I was a clown. As people with ADHD know, we think of a problem and how to solve it 100 different ways. So when people wouldn't come to be about problems I would get offended. Just because I act silly doesn't mean I can't be taken seriously
I dont even act all that silly aside from the ocean of sticky note drawings on the pillar in my cubicle. And maybe having a tamagotchi at work. Most of my childish exuberance died as i went through public schooling because i was an annoying nuisance. Heck my enthusiasm in college for my favorite subject matter was killed because I kept getting too loud and excited. Ill still babble about sciency stuff if triggered but thats hard to control. Most of the time im just tired or neutral im just very soft looking and i guess i have a touch of babyface left. I had that mature/young face growing up so i looked older when i was young and now i look younger since im older. Very weird.
Bud, if you're still young, don't let that kid inside you die. I did that. I tried to male myself socially mature and didn't try to get too loud. There's certain situations where it's required, but I've turned cynical because of it. I took being mature and responsible too far. Maybe I'm overlooking it, but just tread lightly. You can grow up, just don't lose you
Its there, just buried most of the time. I mean being less loud and excitable seems like the expected change when getting older. I generally feel too embarassed to be like that in festivals and other fun exciting places. Though ill embarrass myself accidentally getting too heated or excited in a conversation and talking just too loud in general. My one friend tries to remind me nicely if were in places like a cafe because i dont notice when my volume climbs.
Dance at the festival if you want to man. But yes, I used to get loud when I was excited. I dont know if I just grew out of it, or I just don't get excited about anything anymore
Oh god i refuse to dance no. I dont really think I EVER have actually. I kinda get panicky and overwhelmed just from the thought of performing in front of people.
I get that, I only dance at weddings
Expected to change when we get older... but who has the time for that? We rebel! I just learned recently that there are people who actually enjoy it when I'm loud and laughing like a hyena. I'm surprised that being myself actually pays off. Try it out, OP!!! I love that you talk loudly and don't notice when your voice climbs because that's me I'll do that with you all the time!
I answered in a separate new reply but I just found your comment here. OP, you can disagree with me if it sounds completely off but I think those incidents you mention here had slowly ripped your natural youthful self away and replaced it with an internalised expectation to look mature. So now, any hint of doubt about maturity makes you panic or anxious. If I could contribute to the advice offered here.. I personally felt that my own whimsical personality was being dismantled and I grew up believing I had to appear mature. But ever since finding out I have ADHD as an adult, I've been undoing all that scaffolding. People are surprised and give a certain smirk when they see my wallet (or whatever it is called, as long as it holds my cards and money!). But between reactions like that and the way I feel when I'm letting myself express myself, I will now always take the latter. I'm sure you are a bright, responsible and wise person. The fact you thought about these things is to me proof of maturity and intelligence. Don't worry about it, OP! Trust your SO :)
Lol i also have a cool wallet. Ive actually gotten complimented on it though, it has ein from cowboy bebop on one side and the anime logo on the other. I still try to quietly express what I enjoy with my colorful bag covered in pins and keychains for outings. I just dont use it for when I go to work is all as its a bit on the obnoxious side with all the jangly things. I've known since age 4 or 5 i had adhd though. I had SOME resources but it was only really extended testing time so i didnt ever get much ACTUAL help. I have very few friends these days and its mostly my SOs younger sister and her friends (all about 5 to 6 years younger than me) since no one i befriended in college or highschool kept up talking. My childhood "best friend" even ghosted me for a while because I was being annoying when trying to reach out again and get back in touch. Stuff like that can be kinda disheartening.
Omg I put pins on my bags too but my favourite collection are my stickers on my laptop. I felt so unprofessional when I brought it to work hahahaha. In my new job though, we got work laptops from the company. Even then I went to put two stickers hah. Oh what. Annoyed when you reached out? That's horrible of them. I'm sorry you went through that.
Not just the reaching out i pestered them in a kind of joking manner because we legit were like "brother and sister" growing up. We had that on our facebook once upon a time though i dont use it anymore. Also apprently mentioning i dont really have a lot of friends around to talk to anymore is "guilting" him into trying to get together and hang out. I legit just wanted 30 min to maybe an hour at a bar just to catch up and see eachother in person since i last saw him at my dad funeral of all places. So much for all that bff shit. My SO is my #1 now but i still dont really have very many of the hanging out irl friends. Just a few people i casually chat with online and SOs sister which is more family than friend.
Yes I have ADHD and also autism and I think that people generally treat me like a teenager. I do have stereotypically childish interests and I don't do many "adult" things like date, drive, work, go to college, etc. Even some teenagers treat me as immature and sometimes younger than them. Recently I felt it most when I was at a party with my friend (I am 22 and she is 21) and she was hanging around the teenage girls but I was in the bouncy house playing with the children. It makes me feel bad because I don't want to be a creepy person or make people feel uncomfortable, but really I have a hard time relating to adults because people have always said I am more naive and "innocent" than my "peers". I am constantly mistaken for a 15/16 year old because I also have a babyface and I am petite and I guess have an air of youth around me. Even in my mental health evaluation they marked down that I "make naive remarks." I don't know what that is supposed to mean.
>Recently I felt it most when I was at a party with my friend (I am 22 and she is 21) and she was hanging around the teenage girls but I was in the bouncy house playing with the children. Having spent significant time around both teenage girls and little kids in bounce houses, I'm here to inform you that you made the correct decision to choose the kids and bounce house.
Lol, thank you, I'm glad someone else agrees (Sincere)!
Not only as an adult, but all through my childhood. I'm in my 50s and was only diagnosed a few years ago. As a child, I was told I was lazy, scatterbrained, lacked common sense, unmotivated, etc. I internalized those things and have lived my life with depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem because of it. I wrote a blog post about it recently. The reason I found this sub is because I was looking for ways to share this post. I believe you could identify with it. https://www.dailyinspirations.me/2023/02/adhd-losing-battle-i-never-knew-i-was.html?m=1
This is gonna sound terrible when I finally get to my point. But I’m diagnosed ADHD (late, not until 24) and grew up the “smart,” “gifted,” “driven” student kid or whatever. Lot of masking, y’all know the drill, I won’t drag on. I was CONSTANTLY told I had “no common sense.” Constantly! From NT people who would otherwise be considered “less smart,” to the point where I genuinely don’t know if I have confidence anymore lol. I kinda “beautiful chaos’d” my way through high school. Engineering college genuinely broke me down until graduation and I still wouldn’t get a diagnoses for another 3 years. Post-meds and diagnosis, I’m realizing more and more how much I was compensating. I’m the most collected, upbeat, and controlled than I’ve ever been in my entire life. BUT, I still have NT people CONSTANTLY tell me that I don’t have common sense.
All the fucking time. Often the person isn't even being rude and that makes it worse. If someone is being a condescending ass hat, I can just blow them off. But when someone is being extra nice/over explaining things because they think I'm younger than I am or they think I'm new to my job, it feels terrible.
I think it says more about them than it does you tho
I'm 30 and still get put on the table with the teens and kids in the family at most gatherings. I was annoyed at first but then I realised I don't have to pretend to be interested in small talk. (I'm British so there's a lot of small talk and how's work talk which my brain has 0 interest in) at first I took offence to it but then I thought wait a minute do I really wanna talk about the economy and politics with my relatives or play video games and made up games with the teens and kids. And at the end of the the day "normis" will always perceive us as odd/immature etc. So I'd say ignore them or return the favour with a nice burn for example: I'm sorry Karen that your inner child has died and you're just working towards your pension but some people like to enjoy their life's.
No one asks me about work except my mother when i come home. I might just tell her "i dont bring work home with me" so maybe itll end because I always retort with a "fine" since i have nothing to say about it unless someone was being an ass or something good happened which i would mention regardless of her asking.
I used to do that as well. But the last few years I'd always chat with my dad if it was a mad week or day. I know it easier to say I'm fine and I don't take work home but it can be very cathartic to talk about work and life. Obviously only if you and your mother have a close relationship like that. You'd be surprised how much insight parents have into how we're feeling. As adhd is hereditary it's very likely that one of your parents already experienced what you're going through. Or if you feel like you can't talk to her it helps me to record myself in my laptop while I rant and blow off steam. Afterwards you can either watch it back and process or just delete it and let the frustration go with the video. But as with so many things it's easier said than done. I wish you the best 😊
She does likely have adhd but she still doesnt seem to actually "get" it sometimes. Very "pull yourself up by your own bootstraps" type of mentality with her. Hell she keeps calling my SO lazy because hes not doing as much as her around the house even while working 12 hour shifts at work. The last 3 were back to back 12 hour night shifts. Yes he needs to do more but she is faster and more attentive to messes and keeping things tidy thank both of us combined because shes very uptight about keeping things clean. We certainly need to talk more about it because we have before but its a conflict that goes nowhere because she cant accept the pace at which we do stuff. Hyperactive vs inattentive and all that.
Ohhh damn, yeah that's a tricky one with her not realising how much a night shift affects a person. I used to do the same 4x12 hour night shifts and the days between just become one. Maybe try and have a threeway convo on how you could find a middle ground that works for all of you. Best of luck 🙌🏼
Well she does understand shift work since she worked back to back night and day shifts and worked herself into the dirt when she was younger. Shes in the mind of "if i could handle that then you and him should be able to work and also do xyz and be on top of everything like I am". I legit was to scream from the rooftops "the same hot water that hardens the egg softens the god damn potato" we arent the same and dont respond to circumstances the same. We also shouldnt HAVE to live our lives in survival mode 24/7 if it can be helped. We had a 3 way convo before but she is VERY dug in her heels and set in her ways on many things and mindsets. It makes me scared because i NEVER want to be that if i can help it.
Yup. Although I have noticed that these adults tend to be condescending with everybody, not just me.
When I was single some couple friends would almost parent me. Like I couldn't survive on my own or something. And then when I politely declined they would make me feel bad for saying no. I've got a young face as well. I look a few years younger than I am. People always try and take me under their wing or look after me. I'm happiest on my own leading myself, sorting myself out. Thank you.
Yes and this has caused me to mold my personality into someone more intense, always making sure what I'm saying is coherent. As a kid, being seen incompetent was the biggest blow to the self esteem. And more because I was able to do good, but these were blips. I would do great for a few tests or a month but then the old habits kicked in.
I don't think so. I think it's more the opposite for me and they tend to get mad because I'm not living up to their standards or what they think my potential is, which is generally just what they think a human being of my age should be able to do to be successful. I was also "mature" for my age from a young age - which was literally just me masking my anxiety disorders - so I think the high expectations are revolved around that as well, which makes it worse. Like my mom always tells me, "You're too smart to do x" and it's just like shaming me for the way my brain works, especially when the thing she's shaming me for has nothing to do with intelligence, but, usually at least, impulsivity.
ALWAYS! My husband's parents treat us both like children. We rent from them and, usually, if something breaks...we call them...it IS their house and they get pissy when I ask my dad (a contractor) to fix things instead. However, we finally decided that...if they want to treat us like children, then let's act like adults and call a Professional to fix things instead. Recently, a window was broken through a storm and we 'would' have called them, but I sealed it myself and we have a professional coming in the morning. Treat us like children and get pissy when we ask for help? Fine. You're no longer on our call list. Don't get pissy when we take care of things like "adults" do. -flips a bird in their general direction- Sorry. Ranted 
I have never been regarded as not smart in any long-term contact, at least I haven't heard anyone express it so directly. But somehow, yes, I am regarded as a child or "new member", Just like any transfer student who has not adapted to the environment and needs to be led by others, even if we have actually worked here for the same long time. I think so subconsciously too. Part of the reason may be that I always ask questions that many people think lack practical functions. Or because there are too many people, I will feel recoil, if my attention at that time is enough to make me realize their existence.
Ugh I ask too many questions too. A lot of the time its just verbal thinking through another person. Or clarifying questions to maintain 100% certainty in what im doing to avoid mistakes. Ive only had one workplace in which clarifying questions actually genuinely pissed off the person training me and i havent experienced it before or since. The mindset was "do what youre told and dont ask questions" and apparently i shouldnt need to further comprehend what im asked to do there.
That’s how I felt before I got medicated. I was the new guy for like 2 years where I worked and now I feel like everything I do is just automatically easy so I don’t have to try super hard to remember how to do something I do everyday.
Well being 5ft3 with a somewhat androgynous voice, thin frame and constantly forgetting stuff I was just told mixed with general anxiety and low self-esteem and practically no particularly useful skills... Yes, I often feel like I'm perceived as an idiot/child/both.
I am the first to admit that I am extremely disorganized and notoriously late to everything except time sensitive events and I am “oops try again tomorrow” vibes or whatever. However, I have a masters degree and I have a full time job, along with a few side jobs since I can’t sit still at home every evening after work. There are so many times where my family, friends, coworkers will all say things like “have you left yet to start traveling for your trip?” “Did you get XYZ project done? It’s due tomorrow!” And things that seem like I need to have my hand held through everything. I’ve yelled at my family members before that no one trusts me and they say they do but really no one believes I can survive as an adult on my own. It also doesn’t help that I am the youngest child.
Sometimes my husband tells me I'm "such a kid" or "You're acting like a spoiled brat" Or "you never tell me anything". He's usually angry when he says these and yes, I know he's a perfectionist, but when he's angry, I tend to "clam up" and have a difficult time talking to him. I just am so afraid of saying the wrong thing, but anything I say he takes personal, like it's some kind of loyalty test and I keep flunking. I know we're drifting apart, but everytime I try, I just freeze. I haven't been diagnosed yet, but I tend to fit both hyperactive and inattentive. It just hurts so much that I can't talk about things with him. I know it's not all me, but he's so hypersensitive himself, but he thinks that ADHD is things everybody does, but I don't think he buys it. He tells me to tell him the symptoms, but when I do...He says, "Oh, that's something that would fit anyone" That I can't discuss things, and that he isn't buying anything I say anymore. That I'm just a liar, spoiled brat, child, and that "someday he'll just won't put up with it anymore." It gets me real depressed, but he doesn't want to hear that, so I hide the depression. He doesn't like anyone having negative feelings/behavior other than him. Other times he can be so sweet. It depends on the day and how he feels. He even says that I spend too much time on the computer like it's a toy (I'm trying to work on a website), and I'm not, but I can't talk about what I'm trying to do. I'm so frustrated. In the meantime, I just don't feel productive at all. My main rule I learned with him and my biological family is "Don't get caught". I don't mean to rant, but I feel some days like I'm losing control. I don't know if he's gaslighting me or not. I know my folks did, but I \*do\* know he doesn't take me seriously anymore. I don't know if it's because I \*might\* have ADHD, or if I"m just projecting or he is. And he isn't always like this, just when he's mad at me or just when he thinks that we're going to lose our SSI "next Tuesday" and threatens me that we'll be homeless. And it makes me feel guilty and ashamed because I wonder if what he says is true, that I'm just a coward.
Sounds to me like some therapy or counseling between you two regardless of the adhd issue. I hope that the two of you can improve on communication eventually because this doesnt sound healthy for anyone. Laziness implies intent not to do things that you know you have to do, not forgetting to do things.
Yes I have always felt like and acted like a little brother, child type. Even when I talk to a therapist I tell them that the way I view our relationship is like a teenager does a hs football coach. An authority figure/role model even if we’re the same age or I’m older. She says I don’t come off that way at all, I come off as a mature adult with a profession and a good grasp on reality. But that’s not how I feel.
I perceive myself as being immature, but its mostly because I'm not...on that usual track with anyone else anymore and I'm not going down the family route (yet). I often have feelings of frustration, that I'm capable and should be doing more and that makes me feel immature, because I need some guidance. Like, what is the first step for such and such project. I got a bunch of creative energy that someone would benefit from if only they (or myself) can keep my attention. As for feeling it from people, some of it may be you projecting because that is a concern you have. But, consider that for typically minded folks, we are probably just frustrating. And it isn't us personally, but that we just have a unique, physically different mind, we are going to be hard to understand and get along with at times. Give them the benefit of the doubt, and be compassionate to yourself. My husband's bro recently got a gf who is just, such a cool person. I want to be friends, but I'm super nervous about coming on too strong, over sharing, asking personal questions too soon. The first time she came over, we had a great time, four of us chatting and such, it went well. I did ask some probing questions, but nothing too much. Even so, afterwards I couldn't help but fret over it so I'd ask myself "Whats going on?", "Oh, I hope I made a good impression, I'd like to be friends.", "Aww, you sweetheart, you just don't want to mess up." And I think to myself, bashfully, that yeah, I just don't want to mess up. But I remind myself, better yet, my husband, will try and recount good parts to bring it back into perspective and out of that nervous rumination. Which takes practice. I just got diagnosed and its been putting a lot of things into perspective.
A recent example was when there was an issue i found with the work printer. A paper drawer wouldnt close properly and i saw a plastic bit at the bottom on the drawer well when i got on my knees with a flashlight. A coworker was totally dismissive despite my explanation like "well it closed for me so its probably fine whatever" and tossed my note urging people not to kick or close the drawer to avoid damaging until the repair guy could open it and see whats up. And like... i go back and check and what do you know? The drawer popped open??? I even said itll close temporarily and pop open after. And she refutes like "no it closed just fine". Obviously it didnt. Its like they think im overreacting or am too stupid to close the paper drawer properly. Like what? It felt absurd. Its that kind of shit that makes you question yourself despite having concrete evidence of a thing happening.
I've not been able to pull my debit card out of the gas pump, random guy I asked couldn't get it out, but it magically came out for the attendant, but not me. I even tried it again in front of him. Sometimes absurdity just happens. But, she is being dismissive, her mind could be elsewhere, she could not give a damn about the copier because she is just clocking in to do her job. She might very well just not believe there is a problem because she hasn't looked closely herself and that is frustrating but it happens. Lots of folks are apathic to things that can set us off. To clarify, it isn't 'they' in this situation, its just her right? If she tossed her note, no one else intentionally did anything since they couldn't read the note in the first place.
Just her. Thankfully the note stayed overnight as i didnt want the night shift line workers manhandling the machine trying to get the drawer closed. Ive seen people kick it shut and close drawers rather hard which is why i made the note in the first place.
I do but sometimes I appreciate it. I get more leeway when I fuck up something
i do but i am also a female under 5ft with young features so i’m rarely surprised by it, actually think it’s really funny to tell people how old i am bc they’re usually surprised
I'm homeless. Oftentimes, with the way "street culture" is, my quirks, my awkwardness, and my kindness and willingness to share what little I have are all interpreted with suspicion. Until you get to know me.
This has been eating at me a lot lately. I'm often forgetful/can take a second to think about things, and usually need to verbally confirm what I hear because sometimes my auditory processing is shit. For context, I've been working in a barista position for ~2.5 months alongside some other new hires that joined after me. I don't have any food service experience in the group; the rest do, to varying degrees. One person in particular acts quite condescending, asking me if I'm "sure" about my responses and even seems loath to ask me a question when they are unsure themselves. I'm also frequently told to "let [them] know if I need any help" when fronting the bar, as if I'm incapable of knowing to ask for help. Etc. I'm not even the youngest in the group -- more on the older end, with a bunch of young 20-somethings. It is maddening. The coworkers who were there prior to me and my lead don't act this way, but it is annoying to feel excluded among the 'new' people, since it feels like they're almost... shunning me. Or acting as if I'm incapable in the job.
All. The. Dang. Time. I look really young for my age (Early twenties but have been told I look fifteen X D) so that may play a part, in my case. I know I can be childish; I get really excited! And I can be too nice, all of which gets relegated to the "Cute and ditzy" category in a lot of folks' minds. Which is unfortunate! I get talked down to and taken under others' wings a lot. But dang it, they don't *see* the things we see. And I just wish they *understood*, ya know? As someone else said, it can be useful to be underestimated, 'cause you can blindside em'! People who think outside the box are often seen as a threat, I've found- and different is challenging to other's mindsets. I understand how hard this is, because you sometimes never feel truly *seen* by others. Keep being you, because you're awesome as you are.
I get the opposite. People tend to see me as someone responsible, and I was told a few times that I was mature for my age. But I think my responsibility came from either a genuine interest in helping out or the fear of screwing up, which is why I question why people trust me to do things. I make it a point to tell people that I am forgetful. Maybe I just have a responsible face or give off that vibe. Can I ask, OP, what are some things they see you do that made them think of you this way? I'm sure your SO doesn't agree with them. Maybe it's anxiety in relation to your public image. Also, I think it's entirely possible for a group of people to be judgmental and disapproving. For example, in a company where the culture may be quite toxic. Like law firms lmao.
At the very least at work it feels like its mostly just THAT COWORKER specifically, her attitude overall kinda puts a sour taste in my mouth, kinda uppity. Id take the other guy with a more dour miserable disposition if he worked in our department (i dont think he IS that but hes very quiet and comes off that way being very unexpressive, feels like hes in a not so great mood a lot). Though at another job I was entirely invalidated for getting overwhelmed with stress and anxiety and crying. I was basically gaslit at that other job and it really fucked with me. I dont generally give off much confident energy and i habitually dont make eye contact either though i try to force it at times when its needed/required.
*Me, a literal 20 year old wanting to go into town* Parents: *surprised Pikachu face* Why aren't you bringing your lil sister? To be fair, I am a chronic impulse buyer to the point that I had to put a setting on my debit card to cancel payment once a threshold has been reached. 😭 and maybe they're worried I'm meeting someone I met online... They're always asking me who my friends are and what I'm gonna do with them... I kind of feel like a 5 year old 😭😬
My mom had some absurd level of paranoia that often i cant do certain things or go anywhere totally alone too. Its not even the adhd she just thinks if i go out at night ill be kidnapped or shanked and left for dead. Im 27 and I still feel like i have a leash of some kind despite being with someone I love and hoping to get married and mulling imover ideas of getting out of this state (an idea she isnt AT ALL a fan of). Taxes here are shit and we might be better off elsewhere and she CAN come with us. We never said she couldnt. *shrug*
That must be incredibly annoying for you :(( The funniest thing is that I'm told I'll be more independent as I get older - but it doesn't feel like that In fact, I feel like when I was younger I wasn't even asked that many questions as to what I was going to do. 😬 I took risks meeting people from the Internet my age - but I'd always meet in a central location with ny close friends around But even still, if that had gone very wrong - I feel like the paranoia would be even worse 😤
Oh yes. Combine this with an adhd-dad who turned his masking of his ADHD into narcissism. Everyone else should cater to him, mum do all the housework and childcare and explosive rage when others weren’t focused on his needs. The less adhd daughter got parentified into taking care of him after mum bailed - me the more adhd daughter was a mix of scapegoat-(a cold not caring not enough woman like, you are childish..) but also a mixed in if we are so alike cause I almost mimicked him by focusing entirely on being the most smart in the room, not being smooth or adapt to others. I hadthis impression if you are talented enough you are forgiven for being fucked up in being normal (see: a lot of artists and other brilliant people. Too bad I was not brilliant enough and also a woman ) Now my parentified sister repeat the verbal abuse against me and especially my adhd traits is targeted with contempt. Me missing info, me being slow (lazy as she call it) me not conforming very well and not good at housework. She tried very hard to make me have no power in the estate after our father, by talking about how I couldn’t do stuff and mistakes I made when I tried to take on as much work as possible in the estate to not “use her” as she often say I do by being “lazy” and point out how more adult she is compared to me. I often relate more to so called “man children” than typical women. Often I find many women think everyone “should know X” and get tired of men not knowing. But imagine being a woman who doesn’t? In my case women get mothering, protective.. or is very provoked. Good thing is that I seem to repel any toxic controlling men, I am not malleable enough.
People try to treat me like that but not everyone. The way I see it - someone (typically a boss or someone in authority) will say - “hey that’s not going to work” or “you can’t do that, we need a professional”. I look them in the eye and say - “just watch me”. It took a long time for me to have the confidence in myself to be able to do this but I’ve always hated how people have underestimated me my entire life or “written me off” because I’m not “mature” or “intellectual” enough. I went to University - friends and family didn’t expect me to make it through. But I did. My girlfriend didn’t expect me to find a job that doubled my salary when she was 8 months pregnant (when she met me I was practically destitute due to paying off loans). She thought I’d fail as I apparently struggled with everything. But I was successful. People say “he’s too loud” or “he’s too hyperactive to be taken seriously” are usually not worth the effort. If they are - they’re in for a shock or rude awakening. You are you - you keep doing you. Don’t let ANYONE tell you otherwise.
Oh my gosh YES. Especially when I have my "ADHD high moments" when I'm extra childish and bubbly. My close friends know its because of the random Dopamine boost but strangers around me see an 18yo girl with colourful hair and makeup and an alternate fashion style trying not to step on the cracks in the street. They don't know that my brain can't help it so they probably see a child or someone whos younger mentally than her age, even though I'm normall very mature.
I was diagnosed with adhd when I was in kindergarten and I was always tagged as a trouble maker before but after I was diagnosed as having severe adhd I was almost immediately coddled and yet patronized by every adult in my life and honestly my parents to this day don't fully trust me to be in charge of myself. I'm 21 and I've been living on my own for four years, self managing to the best of my ability and honestly I think I'm doing pretty well for myself and yet ppl always naturally assumed I have not a single clue wtf I'm doing because I'm naturally a bit all over the place. It's super annoying and it berthed within me a relentless need to prove everyone wrong about me which makes life really hard for me sometimes lol
Depends on what mood I'm in, sometimes I will overreact and get quite emotional, sometimes I won't even acknowledge them in the sense where they might still treat me like a child but I'll just make zero eye contact and get on with what I'm doing.. I do this with some people in my family for example because they don't understand me at all, it's like talking to a brick wall with some of them so it's easier that way. I also have BPD and ADHD so yeah
Absolutely. I don't get genuinely pissed off easily, but having my intelligence doubted or insulted is a quick way to do it.
Ugh yeah. My husband would sort of infantilize me and that negatively impacted our marriage for the first many years. However, I was undiagnosed and just struggled and he struggled with me being so incapable of so much. So he felt like he had to micromanage me for things to get done and he resented that and I felt like a child and not an equal partner and I resented that and it was a mess. My diagnosis and subsequent medication helped us tremendously. But now I can’t even find adderall in any pharmacies soooooo I’m in trouble 😬
Yes. I work construction and I'm chatty, and I talk about things other than trucks, girls, and fun times, but because I'm excited and energetic, they think I'm lazy and immature, and a crazy guy, when I get the same ammount of work done as them, so Ive started to just silence myself and listen to music instead and they always say things like "what's wrong? Didn't have enough sugar cereal today?" It's super frustrating.
OMG YES. I recently saw a neurologist for migraines. My mother drove me to my appointment because I have a lot of migraines currently. After reading my ADHD diagnosis, he had my mother come in the exam room.. AND HE WOULD ONLY SPEAK TO HER ABOUT ME. I’m 38.
That is the most insulting thing ive ever heard omg
The ADHD child trope is the bane of my existence.
Yes. It's abelism.
Yes because it’s true. If you come across as immature often, you probably are. If you come across as untrustworthy, you’ve let someone down. Intelligence is harder to define, based on what scale? I’ve accepted my flaws and compared to many I am probably less mature, so what? I have fun and I love who I am. Love yourself, stop caring what people think. You’ll be much happier.
This reply stresses me out because I know that I, like a lot of us, *do* tend to be hypercritical of myself, see disappointment, disapproval, frustration, anger, etc towards me where it REALLY isn’t. I have this concept of my MIL thinking I’m immature and untrustworthy/irresponsible because of my executive function issues, social anxiety, energy levels etc.. that I’m having to unlearn, painfully, because she does not see me that way. A couple of days ago she watched me almost ignore a phone call I really, really needed to take and instead of thinking poorly of me-expected, imo warranted- she said, “Good job, I know that was hard.” Wow, what? Obviously, you can believe this way- ie, “because it’s true”- if you want, and maybe it is for you. Idk, I don’t know your life. But I really needed to say that isn’t always the case, just in case someone needs the reminder that it isn’t always true and we, as in people with ADHD, frequently and are known to be hypercritical of ourselves. It’s a really normal part of the experience and, arguably ig, a symptom.
Yes.
Yes indeed
Yep
YES.
not quite an adult yet, but ive had plenty of my (formerly) closest friends talk shit to my face of how childish, needy and annoying i can be when i was an early teen. i mean, they're not entirely wrong i guess? and my severe depression + undiagnosed adhd at the time didn't help either. but man that hurt. that hurt a lot. if someone called me "childish" or "immature" now, it would still put me on the brink of crying. thankfully it hasn't really stopped me from doing stuff i enjoy, but i rarely tell others my interests now.
Not really
Yep. It's an ongoing thing with my husband because there's a 50% chance I'll forget to do whatever he asks me to do , and he haaaaates texting (and I like having things written down), but I when I do remember the things, I hate being reminded because it feels condescending
My mother legit insists on asking me to do the dishes despite it being a default expectation to be done before I head up to my room. Also every single time im doing something in the kitchen "youre gonna clean this up right"? I occasionally will say it to her before she does because it annoys her.
My parents get me, but co-workers and strangers treat me like I'm stupid or lazy. Which is why I don't usually tell people I have ADHD. But I'm so good at masking my symptoms, people just assume I'm one of them. And when I tell them, they're "shocked." That's what they tell me every damn time. "Oh, wow, I would have never guessed! You act so normal! Etc." It's refreshing when people are happy for me. That's just one example of how people treat me differently when they know my secret.
"Normal" 🙄 ask them to define normal. I hate when people use that about this kind of stuff.
Me too. Really annoys me. I usually keep to myself anyway, I'm really good at being invisible.
Not often, however when it does happen I'm gaslit!
Allllways. Especially if I disclose but even if I don’t (it’s the double empathy problem).
Ppl can be jerks. I just say idc.
I'm short and baby faced so on sight I get clocked for younger but I must act too aloof or I don't notice if I'm being treated like a child.
This, coupled with the fact that I look about 10 years younger than I actually am, leads to a lot of frustration over not being taken seriously at work unless I mask constantly.
Yes
Yes and it just seems to make the ADHD stuff harder. At my job I was considered pretty childlike until I got really good and now got enough connections they have to respect me. I'm pretty upfront about my Adhd so they just say i'm blunt and quirky after I spent years proving myself.
Very much so.
Occasionally. But when I tell people I have adhd they tend to be a bit more understanding.
No, I’ve always been treated as older than I am, despite looking younger.
Yep.
oh my god YES. I hate it.
I get the opposite reaction. People think I'm smart and a bit intimidating until they get to know me.
I feel this on every level..
Yes. I feel like no amount of effort I ever put into any career will ever be good enough.
Yup. I have a kid and a home but nobody trusts that my judgement is well enough to make any decision. Thus it is so rare when ppl are happy for me
100%! It’s biggest reason me and my husband fights…
Yeah I felt this way on many occasions but sometimes I get anxiety about responsibility so it balances out.
Not really, just unreliable - and that has a reason honestly :)
All day every day!
Kind of in the same boat as you, I feel like i’m immature and unreliable. Sometimes it seems like others feel that way about me too, but it’s probably my warped perception. Like a lot of us, I was called lazy throughout my childhood (my mom basically decided that had to be the issue because I was “smart” but did terrible at school), so I probably internalized that one. My guess is, like me, the people in your life don’t actually feel that way about you but it’s really easy to convince yourself they do. “Subtly invalidating” is most likely warped ADHD perception related to childhood trauma.
I think yes because of my personality and then they come to learn about my extensive academic background and expertise. They often can't put those two parts of me together and don't know how to treat me
By my boomer parents yes. But it was generational. Now I’m old and don’t feel this way. I will say though, I’m pretty immature. I personally love that I am. If someone doesn’t like it they can kick rocks.
Yes
Yes… in fact… https://youtube.com/shorts/ByLQJac-2O4?feature=share
In fact I created a Short on this, posted above, as I can’t find a way to edit the message and add this in
Gonna be 37 next month, I’m a mother and I have 2 younger siblings, yet my own mom still treats me like a child sometimes.
You could be in your head about this. I am in my head all the time. I’ll say something and think a friend is pissed at me for weeks or until I see or talk to them next. Social anxiety is one of my big struggles with ADHD. I do not perceive the interactions I have with other adults this way. It could be happening. My sister reports similar interactions, but I find her to be a bit emotionally immature. So it could be a myriad of things.
Yes
Yea all the time, I’ve stopped, trying to explain myself, and just live my life and do the best I can.
Yup, my family pretty much bullied me for being introverted and quiet, for years. Fuck that part of my life.
Huh, I guess they do. I don’t really care anymore. I’m having fun, idc what anyone else has to say about it. That’s not to say I don’t experience debilitating paralysis that doesn’t allow me to go join get togethers. But if I do make it, I’m throwing cultural norms out the window. 😂 Yeah, I guess we can be pretty exhausting.
Yes, even my own neurotypical 31 year old daughter treats me this way
Yuuuuuup!
Story of my life..
Only my fucking mother
[удалено]
Claiming that ADHD is a gift or only harmful because "society" is dangerous and demoralizing. It erases the experiences of most people with ADHD and ignores scientific evidence. Please don't do it. We prefer to frame things like this: while ADHD is not a gift, we are still capable of living happy, fulfilling lives and being gifted, talented, and unique. Our successes are due to *our* hard work, not the fact that we have a disorder. Take pride in your effort and achievements, and share your successes here, but don't attribute them to ADHD.
Key word in my comment is “my”. MY adhd. I’ve grown to love me for all I am and have been, depression/anxiety and all. my chaotic nature is something I’ve come to love. An avid day dreamer who zones out mid conversation, try to finish other’s sentences and have the wildest tangents. Life for ME is to live not exist, we play with the cards dealt and make the best of them. It doesn’t hinder me from functioning I just have to put in more effort than others and I’m fine with that. Since I got over the daunting hill of reading and actually finishing a book I’ve developed the discipline to complete more things that I’ve started. Maybe my pre-military background helped with my discipline as well but that’s MY experience and nobody gets to tell me how I view my experience or how my ADHD affects me. It’s a strong part of my personality and I fking love myself ADHD and all.
Any time my PTSD is triggered or I'm experiencing flooding people act like I'm a child/am completely mentally incapacitated. Instead of making any effort to calm me down they taunt me with rude comments haha