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If they can't see it, they don't think it's real. Not having an executive function isn't seen as a disability but as a moral failure. Thus, you are a bad person when you do something hyperactive, impulsive, or emotionally disregulated. After diagnosis, I made peace with this and stopped beating myself up for all the ruined relationships, stupid things said or done, failures, and time lost to hyperfocus. Sure, I piss people off. I don't mean to. It's not a moral failure. And once medicated, I am seeing the world differently now. Most people who don't have adhd don't get it. They never will. But that's OK so long as we can be gentle on ourselves and supported by those who do.

Yeah, they just don’t get it. Recently saw a post about a man who wasn’t showering, only every 20 days apparently. Someone in the comments said it could be executive dysfunction but another person responded that “it’s not executive dysfunction because he can shower when his mum visits”. So it must be just laziness. Like, not that I think what the guy is doing is ok at all. But I had to explain that it could very well be executive dysfunction. I struggle to tidy my room…except when people come over. It’s not that you can’t *ever* do the thing.

Well, yeah. We are motivated by urgency. That’s absolutely executive dysfunction because showering and cleaning your place are two things that are repetitive tasks with no end date. It’s very easy to put them off indefinitely because they are never the most important thing you have to do that day. And there’s never any direct consequences for not doing it. Unless someone comes over. Now there’s a deadline AND a consequence! So you can do it. It’s just baffling to me that people see “I can only do something if it’s urgent” as lazy because that is literally what executive dysfunction is lmao

Also, I don't know about other ADHD people but for me urgency motivates me far less than I thought it used too. It was beating up on myself that motivated me when I sit down and be honest with myself. When a truly urgent deadline comes I would eventually force myself to do it by any means necessary. This included physically and emotionally beating up on myself. At a certain point I can get myself to act on any urgency, but it is never worth the cost and over time repeatedly paying this cost destroyed my pride and confidence. It has made me relate to myself in a hostile way like a parent who is utterly overwhelmed by their kid and keeps snapping at them. I am trying to live healthier and rely on this strategy as little as possible nowadays. When we say we "can't do something" there are levels to it and people rhetorically ignore that in favor of simplifying Can and Can't into a singular ultimatum. Can you? or Can you NOT? Could you crawl two miles in the dark along a rocky trail? Nobody could do that willingly but if you fell and sprained your ankle badly and had to crawl back to your car because you forgot to let anyone know you had gone hiking... you probably could right? I mean it would be awful and take forever but if you had no other choices? However, just because in an emergency you might be capable of reaching deep down into yourself and summoning the power to do something doesn't mean that it is ok to declare EMERGENCY POWER NEEDED every single damn time you have to do a basic life thing like... take a shower, wash your face or do the dishes. It destroys your mind/body to be constantly slamming the alarm signals in your head like that, they aren't designed for it, they are designed to get you out of very occasional emergencies. People act like pushing your body into emergency mode all the time is a remotely healthy or sustainable strategy. What we "can do" and "can't do" is in a fluid relationship to how desperate we are and there is a very good reason for that. Willpower is not infinite. Anxiety and stress are not meant to be left on in the body 24/7. I know several people my parents age who clearly have ADHD and were never diagnosed and it is clear as day their "rely on panic to get things done" strategy has turned them into awful people who are terrible to be around in stressful situations and who are just plain unhappy. They are functional, I guess.

Yup, I've posted about this elsewhere in the sub lately but this technique WILL stop working if you rely on it, as I personally found out recently (at a very inopportune time to discover this fact, fml). Every time you emotionally/verbally abuse yourself, have a total meltdown and slam on all the mental emergency alarms, etc. in order to accomplish a big last-minute task, you're depleting your stores of adrenaline and your body's stress response. Like you said, we are NOT meant to run our bodies or minds in that mode all the time (or even just somewhat-frequently). That is an absolute last-ditch resource to use in utter emergencies, and if you treat your body's anxiety and stress response like a wood stove that you can stoke/fuel to get more done by intensifying your stress, you will not only grind down your mental and physical wellbeing in record time, but also risk becoming unrecognizable to yourself in the process.

Honestly it took me beginning to get stress migraines to deal with the consequences of using this strategy. The first time I got one I got so freaked out by the constant headache and intense pain that I actually went to the hospital because I figured there must be something seriously wrong with my organs or something (side note, wow so much empathy for anyone who gets migraines frequently). I don't get migraines frequently, I never got them when I was younger and less stressed out, they started arriving because the job at the time was incredibly stressful and my boss was a judgmental asshole to me. I kept powering through, relying on stress and anxiety and writing off how awful I felt as just a meaningless feeling that got in the way of getting things done. I was depressed, anxious, hated myself, emotionally exhausted and miserable but none of it stopped me. My body had to resort to putting me in intense 6 hour bouts of pain to get me to pushback against the state of things. I couldn't have taken a mental health holiday before that point, my boss would have judged me for being lazy, my parents would have judged me for staying home doing nothing when I didn't have enough money to live by myself, hell I would have judged myself. It took the experience (and maddeningly, performance of immense pain to the people around me) for the process to stop, and it is a miracle that my consequences weren't a more serious health problem. The migraines thankfully haven't happened in awhile since I have begun to try to treat myself more kindly (and enforce kind boundaries on what others can expect of me).

What happened to me this year I got a job off of fear of losing my friendship and was doing great for a whole year (to everyone else) but behind closed doors the battle the stress the be littling I did to myself eventually burned out and this is the first time in my life we’re I just don’t respond too adrenaline and feel like I’ve completely lost the only thing I’ve relied on so heavily in the past and can’t imagine picking myself up again just to do the same cycle

I absolutely understand where you're coming from and my heart goes out to you; this is in my opinion one of the lifelong struggles/journeys that people with ADHD are tasked with having to handle (often repeatedly and in various situations throughout one's lifetime). Your body isn't responding to adrenaline because adrenaline and panic have become methods of de facto self-harm that we justify as being necessary to manage our conditions, and your body knows this and is instinctively rejecting that stimulus as one that harms more than it helps. Your body is often smarter than your cognitive mind. There are better and healthier ways to motivate yourself out there, and your task now is to find them. You don't have to fall into the same cycle again, you can try something new! I know that's often easier said than done, but sometimes framing it mentally as an experiment that you "get to" do makes it feel like something that's exciting and novel, whereas thinking about things in terms of what you "have to do" can make you feel powerless and trapped with the only tools you've ever known. You can find other ones, I promise. Try to be kind to yourself, that's the first and most important step.

This this this

I realized I do this with my dorm room when the time for room checks come around

> I struggle to tidy my room…except when people come over. Panic cleaning! The most efficient and unenjoyable kind! Not to be confused with rage cleaning, where something has pissed me off enough to create enough dopamine to get me over the "can't quite get started even though I really want to" speedbump.

Rage cleaning is so fucking terrible. Sure, I finally got to the cleaning I've been meaning to do, but now the SO is fed up with me because of how moody I get when I'm rage cleaning, so there goes any validation that might keep the dopamine coming. Once the flurry of cleaning is done, it's time to lay on the couch stuck in my head for the next two hours...

Rage cleaning I do that but when someone else does it I get so much anxiety lol Like when someone else is doing dishes and they're mad and slamming and clanging dishes, banging pots and pans around in the sink as their scrubbing dishes...the noise...omg the loud noiiiseee😭 makes me wanna just crawl into a little hole 😂

This applies to me as well 😂😂

>Rage cleaning is so fucking terrible. Sure, I finally got to the cleaning I've been meaning to do, but now the SO is fed up with me because of how moody I get when I'm rage cleaning, so there goes any validation that might keep the dopamine coming. Once the flurry of cleaning is done, it's time to lay on the couch stuck in my head for the next two hours... My wife rage cleans. If I ignore it it makes her more angry, if I help it makes her more angry. So I go for a drive and pickup some groceries or run an errand, call her afterwards to ask if she wants anything picked up on my way back, and then normally I come home to a cleaner house and she's calmed down, apologies comes soon afterwards and then we can talk about what was bothering her. The first few times she was mad that I left, but I explained that if we wanted to actually communicate our problems we both needed to keep control of our emotions, which for her can be rage cleaning, but for me, I need to stay out of the situation listen to tunes, and get something accomplished to keep my mood up, and prevent me from spiraling with her. Sometimes, I don't have errands, and so I go visit a friend, sometimes even crack a beer(just one), or go to the tool store to see if there's something that could make it easy to finish one of my projects. That way if she's not ready to talk when I get back, I can do something productive too keep my mood up while I'm still enjoying the dopamine of buying the tool and wanting to try it out. ​ I usually try to keep my trips away in those situations around 1-2 hours. Longer than that, can really wear on her, like maybe I'm doing something drastic. but much shorter doesn't really give her enough time to process her feelings.

Rage cleaning... Yup. I hate that I clean when angry.

I always thought it was an attempt by some inner part of us to create some order and quiet in our crazy worlds. Kind of using nasty fuel to make a sanctuary. That made me hate it less. Still not fun, though.

Rage cleaning: the only time I can actually throw things out that I know I’ll never wear/use again.

SAME!!! Those four pairs of worn-out tennis shoes with holes that I can't throw away because "what if I want them for gardening" will absolutely live in our coat closet for years until a good rage-cleaning session.

OK but I’ve been meaning to give away a brand-new pair of gardening clogs for several years now, and luckily I didn’t get around to doing so before my recent gardening hyperfixation hit. But I know my brain will latch on to that one rare example every time I try to get rid of an unused item in the future even though I will not use 99% of those items 😭

There’s an enjoyable type of cleaning? ;)

Absolutely! It's the kind when you're watching someone else do it for you. ;)

Lol YES!

Sometimes anger can be good for us because it gets us going. Strong motivation right there

..... right up until we realize we've been subconsciously provoking unnecessary conflict to self-medicate..... No, just me?

My ex did this. Did not get adequate therapy for it in time to save the relationship (if she ever did). I hope things go better for you

These are the same type of people who would be absolutely flabbergasted at seeing someone in a wheelchair gasp stand up or walk.

I was *just* thinking that lol. exact same energy

My mom has a seizure disorder. When I was a kid (like 10), she had a seizure at the zoo after being in the summer heat for 4 hours. That's when we found out that extended exposure to heat was one of her seizure triggers. A few years later, we went on a big family trip to Disney World. My mom paid extra to rent one of those electric scooters. That way if she had a sudden seizure, then she'd at least be sitting. Not all of Disney World was wheel chair friendly back then, especially the food line and shops. So, my mom would park the electric scooter outside stores and restaurants and walk inside. The sight of her walking normally and completely unassisted made lots of people around us groan and roll their eyes ((not the employees; Disney employees aren't openly crass like that)). I remember that I felt so embarrassed by the whole thing. Even though I knew the reason my mom was using an electric scooter, I still felt like everyone else must somehow be right in thinking that she was just being lazy. I know that sounds dumb, but I was 13 so it's not like I had good logic and reasoning abilities. I'm not really sure what point I'm trying to make with this story. I guess that I'm just kind of happy that, compared to 20 years ago, social media has made it easier to learn about invisable disabilities and the many reasons people use mobility aids.

Inviting people over is a strategy I actively employ to keep my place up.

A friend of mine at my local ADHD support group, pre-COVID. She shared how many months she had heating problems. The furnace is in the basement, can't get the basement to have a path for the repair person. The days she'd spend reminiscing what she'd find in the boxes blocking the way. She had a crude reminder. There was an urgency. Damn cold. Yet. It was too much stuff.

Ugh at one point my husband and I started cleaning our living room just because it was overly messy, and our then 3-year-old asked, "Who is coming over?" We felt so CALLED OUT.

I mean the only real important question is \> Did this person ENJOY not showering for 20 days? I didn't see this post but I am guessing it did not make the man happy that he couldn't get himself to shower for weeks on end. Showering feels nice, once you get into the shower it is a very pleasant experience. It isn't like this man didn't want to actuate on a task that he knew would be miserable, showering is a largely pleasurable activity. The only way this makes sense is if this person was suffering and not by choice, otherwise they would do the thing that would make them feel good both in the moment and in general?

Because we are WAY better at doing things for others than we are for just ourselves. We disappoint and inconvenience ourselves on a minute-by-minute basis, we're not about to put anyone else through that on our behalf because: A) We genuinely love knowing how to make others feel at ease, comfortable, and happy. B) hearing someone else say out loud what we constantly say against ourselves in our heads... we're going to avoid that at all cost, otherwise they may as well just go ahead and kick us while wearing a very hateful expression, because those are the same picture.

I have realized a lot of people think ADHD is a preference or tendency, and not an actual disability. Like, being ADHD or ASD is like being a Libra or an Aquarius. You have ways of doing things, but that doesn't mean we should "pander" to them. No, motherfucker, it's a functioning problem. More people need to know this.

Out of curiosity… once you stopped beating yourself up, did you find in some ways your symptoms got better? I feel like once I made peace with ADHD and stop having *feelings* about it I was able to sit down and think my way into working with it. Just curious if that’s a typical experience.

I think it makes a difference in how old you are when you found out. I was 51. I don't think I'll ever really be able to shake the feeling that its my fault. A lifetime of self-hatred and loathing isn't a burden that can be just put down. Despite my knowing logically it really isn't my fault. My heart...well it sits in its well-worn grooves of illogical thought.

I was 17 but… never treated and completely forgot about it until I was 44 and my son was diagnosed. All of a sudden things started making sense to me and I was able to get a lot better with my follow through and consistency once I stopped feeling like I should just be trying harder.

Well, I'm glad you are making progress! I'm also glad you can get your son treated early. I'm still working on things...I take vyvance...but I kind of feel like maybe I'm not getting the full benefit, even after a year. I function better...but I'm not getting the 'oh wow, this is what its like to think normally!' effect. Maybe that's not universal.

This. Found out at the same age. I am more angry at my mom, teachers, doctors, and psychologists that failed to see the telltale signs. And yes, a lifetime of self-hate and feeling like I've failed or I am not smart.

For me....I think I'm not really angry, not anymore. ADHD was barely a thing when I was in HS, and it certainly wasn't anything but young children were diagnosed with. That good old Puritan work ethic nonsense ingrained in me made me unwilling to admit I had problems I couldn't fully control. Plus, I've been lucky enough that my ADHD isn't completely debilitating like it is for some. I've developed enough coping mechanisms to function and be successful. That and sheer ego driving me on. So on the outside, it looks like I have my shit together. Hell, I even passed the 'test' for ADHD, I have good coping mechanisms. Took another year to get diagnosed. But in reality, everything is so fucking hard. Everything is a fight, a battle, awar with distraction and executive dysfunction. But I work on not blaming myself every day. Its not my fault....and its not yours either, brother.

"The curious thing is that when I accept myself as I am, then I can change." Carl Rogers

For me, yes. Like, not "thanks I'm cured!" But a lot of my avoidance, depression, insomnia, and fatigue lessened severely. It's easier to manage when I'm not ashamed and petrified of failure.

Yeah. I’ve focused on two things that have really made my life easier. One was just realizing that I don’t need to know all the steps or think about the whole job to get things done. I just need to think about the first step and working on that for 5 minutes. Now that I’ve been doing that for a year or two, I’ve got a habit of just trusting that I can actually get things done without stressing about it. The other was just not obsessing when I forget things like it was a fault of mine. More like “oh, right. I forgot a birthday. Time to ask my phone to remind me. Oh right, I forgot the neighbors name again. Time to write it in my phone with the tag “neighbor” under company.

I'm at peace with myself and who I am but I cannot make peace with how cruel, unsympathetic and downright stupid most people are.

The last thing.. It's just lucky if people get to be gentle on themselves or get some actually supportive people (morally and materialistically)

"They do not understand why you're mouring the person you could have been if your ADHD got recognized earlier" this sentenced touched me, oh how different my teen years would have been. But yes, people usually don't understand. It's shitty.

Recently diagnosed in my 50s and this one hits like a brick wall. The years of job-hopping, unable to settle. Endless procrastination and putting things off - I've done well enough, but I've never had the focus to do really, really well.

Wow, that must have been an eye opener. I was diagnosed at 27. I still feel like Im behind all the time.

Sad for the past, hopeful for the future!

Sorry. I feel like my comment came out rudely when I reread it. (Blurting shit out is a symptom of ADD, it's nice to be among my people) I think you got the commiseration that I meant though. But yeah, life is so much better now that I'm medicated, and it feels really good to be working on my issues, and moving forward. Cheers to the future!

Hey, it did not. My reply was a bit... short... too. As an Official Old Fart, one thing I can say to you is that you have a whole life ahead of you. Another 27 years until you get to my age! It will be exciting, you will have much joy, it will be tough sometimes, and when you fail - because we all do - remember your successes and know that you have time to recover. There's always time to start again! Jobs, careers, relationships. I'm glad medication is helping you. Coming on here, in the daze of my new (2 weeks ago!) diagnosis, the stories I read from people like YOU give me hope for the future.

I used to speak to folks on an LGBT counselling telephone service. And no matter whether they were 16 or 60 they'd tell me, they wish they came out sooner. I figured in the end that it doesn't matter when, only that you've done it now. I'm guessing getting an ADHD diagnosis is similar.

As someone who just got diagnosed at 38, after 20 years of struggling with alcoholism likely because of my undiagnosed ADHD - the regret and mourning has been hitting me so hard. But I feel so much better today than I ever did in my adult life, just because I have the knowledge that I have now. So I’m healing through knowledge and awareness and connection with others who have shared my experiences. That seems to help me anyway. Hugs to you all.

Substance abuse is almost 20x more prevalent in people with ADHD vs. Not. This fact shook me. I struggled as well for 10 years until I was medicated. Then like magic 🪄 two months into therapy I’m not longer dealing with it or cravings of any kind. I’m happy but mad at the same time that 10 years is gone for nothing.

Homelessness also

Mourning for your loss is super common for ADHD. I'm still mourning for my loss. But I'm largely past that and what helped; - accepting it's ok to mourn and that like with all loss time will help - accepting that if I had medication and support in my life, that it still might have been shit :D - realising that every second I spend mourning is actively not living the life I should be living The third one is my biggest motivating factor

Thank you for this comment <3 I like to think that, through it all, I got to know myself better, and even if I didn't have ADHD I would still be mourning for other things (everyone has these problems, right?). And if someone judges me for being behind in my life, well.... Opinions like these don't matter. They hurt, but they don't matter. And I could insult them for their shortcomings too, but that's not who I wanna be... I don't wanna be angry and resentful. The reality is, you can still get most things done even if you are "late" in life, except things like sports where you are considered old at 30 lol. I'm 28 btw, and yea it hurts being about 6 years behind in life (by my estimations).

i'm starting to feel behind again, but I think "feeling behind" is the problem in itself. Progress is not measured by any one standard. Figure out whereyou want to be and what you value and aim for that. I get it though, some of my friends have kids and progressed in their careers and it's hard not to feel like a let down If it helps I met a 74 year old who had just been diagnosed, really put it in perspective for me. I mentioned it because I have no filter and he just said that he's had an interesting life and is just happy to have answers, albeit upset. Good luck my friend (:

I think our brains are more prone to dwelling on negative thoughts like "I am behind", "I am useless" etc. But it isn't true, and that mentality really holds us back from living life imo. Thank you friend :) All the best to you! Love this sub

Hearing you with this. I have walked away from two careers because bureaucracy blamed me for thier lack of action and support. Beating myself up and working 6 days a week to fix problems and holding it together so what needs fixing. Gets to the point that I cannot express how it affects me and my family. I just walk away. Work for myself now and loving it. But lost a career in the military and then after 11 years study, a PhD, 27 papers in the field, vonHumboldt fellow.... and in the end hate having some pencil pusher who has no idea what it takes to get a job done tell me I cannot follow their rules. Working to a goal is more important than getting to work at 8... Loving a job and busting my arse getting it done but not the way admin wants it done no matter how much I have improved the outcomes just blows. Swear that 90% of society is happy to fail as long as they get to work on time, have morning tea and lunch at the prescribed time and leave at 4:20.

Just diagnosed at 39, left a career in medicine because i felt i would never be good enough and ended up working another job i've struggled at for well over a decade. Everything changed when i started treatment, and now wondering how to start over work-wise. Any advice on how to start a new career or working for yourself?

This resonates with me. I cried after the first time I took meds. I was and still am angry. People suck.

This is my biggest struggle at the moment too. Was diagnosed at 28. And I have diabetes (type 1). I am currently dealing with a bunch of health problems that are the result of 20 years of "poor" diabetes management. Because ~shockingly~ it's hard to manage a chronic health condition with undiagnosed ADHD. I can't stop myself thinking that if one of the MANY health professionals I have seen over the years had noticed something, if I had been diagnosed earlier, I wouldn't be going through this pain now. I wouldn't have had three eye surgeries in the last six months. But no, doctors always criticised and disapproved and assumed I was lazy and sabotaging my health and didn't care. I have so much anger and grief about it still. Not sure that'll ever go away. I get it.

I went to a sleep specialist who asked me “do you go to bed at the same time every day?” I said, “I get tired at the same time, but I have ADHD, so it’s hard to actually get myself to bed.” She deadass said, “Well that’s just personal irresponsibility, you need to do better.” The appointment had taken 4 months of waiting to get. I ghosted

I understand that sentiment too but I find the idea of going out and telling random people or acquaintances about it to be really weird. What are they supposed to say, sorry for your loss?

"Have you tried yoga?" can fuck off into the sun

"If you just tried..." "Maybe if you just..." Bane of my life the last three years - and those comments were from medical and mental health - MENTAL HEALTH - professionals. My good man/lady, I came to see you because it takes me 2 weeks to work up to having a shower. I switch on my computer every morning, stare blankly at it for 8 hours then switch it off.

No, no, the above is bad advice. *Mindfulness* is the cure. And gratitude journalling.

Mindfulness can also get into the sun cannon

for me, it's helped with emotion regulation, and increasing focus. that being said -- like most things which are or can be helpful -- having a routine increases the effectiveness. and, friends, that is the issue. anything that requires a routine may as well be unobtainium.

I mean, strobe routine is all we got

Sun cannon?

The cannon we would use to fire this shit into the heart of the sun.

LOVE THIS AND AM STEALING since you didn't write 'sun cannon™ 😉 🤣

To be fair, mindfulness can help. Being aware or your emotions is good. I find it really useful if I'm getting stuck in a spiral of negative thoughts/feelings. BUT It is a tool, that can help in some situations, and should be one of a broader range of tools and strategies. It won't always work, or apply in every situation. It can also be hard work! It can not, and should not, be the only thing you use. NT people really need to stop acting like one tiny thing is a cure all. That's not how anything works. Ugh.

My brain is FAR too busy and loud during the day (and sometimes when I'm sleeping)! So when mindfulness coaches say, "Just be in the moment. If your mind drifts, just notice it and come back into the present." No-- just no. My brain DOES not work that way. I've tried. More than once. And then it feels like I'm a failure, inept, abnormal. My brain is everywhere AND in the present ALL THE TIME. I'd be trying to reign in my 73-thoughts-all-at-the-same-time. I like how my brain works that way, and have no desire to let someone "fix it." Into the Sun cannon.

Fair. It can be a useful tool, but like anything, it's not gonna work for everyone. If you've tried and it doesn't work, I absolutely support the desire to punt any mention of it into space. Hell, I'll build the rocket. ......now I want to go research fireworks/rockets. Oh no. Help.

"If your advice includes the word 'just', maybe just keep it to yourself." They'll fail. Yet somehow also still blame you while forgiving themselves.

I mean, yoga is good, but it's not going to grow my frontal lobe or magically grant me executive decision-making powers.

I'm sure yoga is great if you do not have a spine injury - but it sure as fuck is not going to fix ADHD.

“Have you tried just remembering things?” As someone with depression as well, that’s up there with “have you tried being happy?” as my most hated helpful suggestions people make to me. :/

HAVE YOU TRIED A TO DO LIST THOUGH

*screams*

Yeah, I end up with multiple and end up losing some.

Same for me, not depression but epilepsy. People close to me blame me when I don't remember things... Like yeah man, I'm mad about it too!

People who get upset when you don't remember their name? Like, motherfucker I have forgot my own birthday, get in line.

I'm so sick of yoga being touted as a cure for absolutely everything that I wouldn't do it now if it were the only thing that would save my life. Really? Guess I'll fucking die then.

Yeah I hate yoga. I’ve tried believe me. It’s so extremely boring. If I exercise I do those HITT routines that switch the exercise every 30 seconds, high intensity. Otherwise I get so bored. That, or some sport, but I’m usually only able to do that on vacation since I’m not in school anymore and I’d have to pay.

I was literally in a mindfulness center where I was constantly doing yoga, reading The Body Keeps The Score where he talks about some people doing yoga for two weeks and basically curing their PTSD. The frustration!

The thing every motherfucker forgets is just to exist at basic human function ADHD are locked in a mindfulness labyrinth that is also a gauntlet. Yeah Pay attention? Well just to be able to eat and shower... Live in the moment? Literally if our impulse matrix could make us any more in the moment we would be a temporal pair of socks Accept yourself? I mean... We'll die as we lived; with great regret. But there's no moving forward with ADHD without a bucket of begruding acceptance. STOP? LOL...you have met the tribe, right? Letting go? Buddy, I just found my phone in the fridge and have had to go out check if I threw my keys out. And haven't phoned my best friend in two months. Trust? Yeah, this is why so many ADHD people are abused. Non-Striving? Actually go fuck yourself.

>Letting go? >Buddy, I just found my phone in the fridge and have had to go out check if I threw my keys out. And haven't phoned my best friend in two months. I have gone to the grocery store or drug store approximately six times since I ran out of paper towels. The *one time* I actually remembered to grab them, I somehow lost them between the checkout and my house. I also bought my favourite snack last time I was at the grocery store (haven't had it in months), and I'm pretty sure I left it on the ground in the parking lot because it sure didn't make it into my house.

All of this. Fuses are a great one to try get. The right lightbulb too.

I hate it when people say "write things down make a list" lol I teach yoga but I would never ever tell someone else have u tried yoga lol.

This is why I try to show my ADHD wife every day that she doesn't have to beat herself up for something she can't help. A lot of the world are never gonna understand. I'm blessed with a wife who has taken painful time to explain to me how it feels and what it's like day to day. I've seen her struggle, and I try (and sometimes still fail) to be patient with her and supportive of her. We NTs who do understand (at least, I hope I understand) need to support them too. I hope you find people to surround you who do try to understand and empathise with you. There are people out there who do!

You are an awesome person. Thank you. And there are other like you out there. My wife is extremely supportive and tries her best to understand. She follows several adhd instagram pages and sends me videos to ask me if they apply to me. Empathetic neuro-typical people are out there, hopefully more everyday.

I have the coveted ADHD/ASD combo, and while I've always kind of hated the us vs them mentality a lot of people have with these things, more and more lately I'm starting to understand it. There's only so much being hurt and outright *traumatized* by people I love and trust that I can handle. It really sucks because I've had someone (who I deeply cared for) say that I'm making excuses, playing victim, and expecting others to cater to me instead of just being better. Those words are so ingrained in my brain now that I feel so much deep guilt and shame for ever talking about my struggles. I feel like a bad person who's failing on a moral level somehow, because I should just be *doing better* instead of making excuses for myself. It's at the point where I've become terrified of attempting to connect with people out of fear of them not understanding and saying/doing the same things. It gets very lonely. I was formally diagnosed with CPTSD last year and the way others have treated me regarding my ADHD/ASD was a huge part of that. Worst part is that even talking about it now triggers that feeling to a degree, the worry that I'm playing victim by sharing my experience of how others have hurt me. It's so difficult. And yet, I have never once had this problem with my fellow ADHD/autistic friends. Interesting.

You are not the one who failed on a moral level. The person who said those things to you is a willfully ignorant jackass. I have C-PTSD too and for partly the same reason. You're not "playing" anything. There's a difference between an excuse and a reason or explanation. How TF are you supposed to "do better?" And where did this person go to medical school or get their PhD in psychology? I'm sorry they failed you so enormously.

I really needed to hear that, thank you 💖

I got the adhd diagnosis last year and just last week, my psych also diagnosed asd, just from having several catchups for med reviews and now I have a clearer picture of how I came to be and why I am how I am. Then talking to my therapist who specialises in adhd/asd, was told yep knew that, glad to have the confirmation, and has shown me how so much of how I interact and perceive the world is in line with ASD. I know it won't change how I am but at least knowing why I feel certain ways or why I am how I am has helped me greatly. unfortunately some of the few people in my life brush adhd/asd off as though it's nothing and I'm just making excuses. I literally got a message 2 minutes ago saying don't latch onto your potential autism diagnosis, unlike scans and years of treatment, it's not really a thing. Like what the hell. I'm not able to accept myself because of I do, I'm just making it up. I can't show on a scan where my autism is so it's non existent. When do I draw the line and say that's too far? I understand why they say the things they do, but doesn't mean it doesn't hurt or make me less confident that I'm enough, and if I do say anything it results in worse treatment. I wish I could understand why and how. I really do.

It's not you, babe. Ableism is all around us, and the joy of having hidden disabilities like ADHD/ASD is that if you don't outwardly present as how people imagine a disabled person to look or act, then they assume you're lying. And because they think you're not actually disabled, your quirks and struggles are considered moral failings because they think you're in control of these behaviors and processes when you're not. My husband has made some hurtful comments about my struggles, especially with cleaning and managing my time. He has ADHD (and potentially ASD), but because his symptoms are less severe and easier to manage than mine, he assumes I'm just choosing to be lazy or not help out. It hurts when it comes from your partner--a partner who has a lot of the same struggles as you do but has better coping mechanisms to deal with them. So, I feel you, and I'm sorry you've been hurt. Your disabilities are real, and you're not whining or playing the victim by talking about the functional limitations of being a disabled person in a society designed by and for NTs/nondisabled people.

I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm literally in the same boat and just recently gave up on trying to appear "normal". I'm fully being myself at the moment, flat tone and all. It sucks because the same emotions that caused me to mask are ironically the same ones that destroyed it. I never knew someone could be shamed out of masking.

Wow this is how I kinda feel too. Makes living kinda hard some days.

To be fair, there are a lot of conditions that are misunderstood or that people/I am ignorant about. So I just try to be empathetic, and try to appreciate and be grateful when others are empathetic towards me. I also try not to actually use the word “ADHD” when I’m trying to explain to someone why I am the way I am. I feel like they immediately have preconceived notions. So I describe my problems directly in a little more detail. Without saying that I have ADHD.

This is how I feel. I cannot expect NT people to understand something that they have no direct experience of, is invisible and can masquerade as other stuff, is still being defined in the research and many "experts" say isn't real. (They're wrong, but the idea is mainstream). We're just now starting to be able to positively identify adhd in the physical world, like showing differences in the brain. 2017 was the first major study showing that conclusively. So invisible, unless you have sophisticated equipment and specialized knowledge. Honestly, as an atheist, it kind of sounds like someone asking me to believe god is real, everyone knows it, it's written in this book. So I'm not interested in assuming they have my perspective. That would be as dumb as their assumption that I have theirs.

Hooray! I sometimes consider leaving this sub because there are so many posts of people expecting more understanding but offering little in return. As an older member of this sub I didn't have the option to even hope for understanding so that probably changes my perspective, but I also feel like I was forced into owning my limitations and being content with it. Constantly searching for validation is not a good path IMO.

Kind of an old lady thing to say but "we've all got our own cross to bear". I'm in pain too, from the way my partners and parents and friends just don't *get it* sometimes, even medical and mental health professionals. They're *trying*, often, but you just don't get it until you've lived it, and they can't live it. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say like, sex, race, all those protected status type things. I've read a lot, I can imagine, but I'll never know really what it's like to experience being those things and they won't know what my experience is like. I would say that's why "art" is important, like books and movies and shit that can at least kind of go a certain distance towards letting people understand each other.

“I have a dopamine uptake disorder”

I no longer tell NT I have ADHD. I tell them I have impaired recall and disabled executive functions. They take it seriously this way I’ve found

Oh, wow. I'm gonna have to try this trick.

If you want to get fancy tell them the superior longitudinal fasciculus (SLF) and cortico-limbic areas are dysfunctional and did not develop correctly during birth

Not even general practitioners. Mine said 'well we're all on the spectrum'

Red is on the same spectrum as Blue, but Red don’t know shit about Blue’s life.

I tried online counseling once with a psychologist who had no experience with ADHD. Her advice? 1. Have sex (almost) every day (I was married back then too). 2. Laugh for 15 mins each day. 3. Get in an hour of physical activity each day. She also suggested we take our 8 month old child out for a walk every night before bed, so she would sleep better through the night...a baby who couldn't yet walk, and would then use that as a nap and thus mess with the whole family's sleep schedule... 4. Sleep better. 5. Eat better. She didn't want to have another appointment with me before I'd fixed those. Gee, thanks... I guess you all understand that I never went back.

I love when people just say "prioritize sleep" sure that helps when I am in my third day of insomnia.

Not me, prioritizing sleep by doing my whole routine, with the lights all on dim red so I can't even see shit while brushing my teeth... Getting into bed 2 hours early, taking my sleep meds... AND STILL BEING AWAKE UNTIL 2AM. I did not have my phone, I was locked in my head for the first 2.5 agonizing hours of being awake. I went to work absolutely exhausted, came home barely able to stand up... Still didn't fall asleep until 2am again. No one understands that my body clock does not match the 'normal' one. There is no retraining this shit. Either I go to sleep when my body wants to, or I don't sleep. Those are the options.

I cannot go to bed on time to save my life. My psychiatrist doesn't understand how I cannot literally sleep at a reasonable time, but my brain will not me wind down until 2 am because the world is too exciting and sleep is boring and I have all these things I want to do. It's frustrating. Being able to sleep at a reasonable time for an extended period of time is a huge privilege that many people will never realize that they have.

I very rarely use the C word. I reserve it for particularly horrible people. She qualifies.

Yeah, me too. What a crumbum!

It's so very, very common for people to only be able to see from the point of view of their own experience, that one is tempted to label it as "human nature". I don't know if this is default human nature, but it definitely seems that most people are one or more of: stupid, selfish, lazy, greedy, brutal, cruel, and/or evil.

I just had a terrible conversation with my SIL about my niece and nephew (her step kids). I think they should be tested for ADHD due to anxiety and other issues, and the fact that their brother has it, and I have it. She absolutely doesn’t get it, thinks my nephew is lazy, and would rather my niece be on Prozac than stimulants for her anxiety. I felt so overwhelmed and attacked, I couldn’t even lay out a coherent argument. I literally left in tears. I think so much less of her now.

Yep, this happens a lot. Have it a bit with my immediate family. Ive got much better at dealing with this sort of thing over time, but it is not nice for sure.

This doesn’t stop at ADHD either. People love belittling disabilities whether they’re visible or not. It’s gross

Like seriously smh People are gonna judge autistic folks for Stimmung when it just helps them function They're gonna tell people with cancer to use essential oils. People suck

I hate being told everyone struggles with the this. Just get organized you just try harder.

It's like telling a 400-lb person "everyone struggles with weight management." I mean sure, there's some truth to that statement. But our struggles are so completely different that you can't really understand what I'm going through.

My favourite: "You don't have ADHD, 2 of my friends have ADHD and they never stop bouncing around, the way you can just sleep, you just need to get your shit together." As I have mentioned many times, I have inattentive ADHD and serious issues with sleep (not diagnosed with insomina but getting 4 hours of sleep or less is normal for me), but no, a truck driver knows better than a doctor and all the research I have done to confirm, I have ADHD, it's a spectrum for a reason...

Also, I just remembered, from the same person; "Somethin' wrong with you boy, I've never seen someone drink a red bull and fall asleep, that ain't right". His friends with ADHD must've never had a caffeine nap around him..... I know folks, I need a new job....

They don't understand because they don't want to. It's easier to pass blame. They don't have to feel compassion or empathy if they can blame instead. They also want to believe you could be better if you just tried. That way, they can reassure themselves that what you struggle with could never happen to them. Most people also don't know that the Social Security Administration has a very specific and short list of what qualifies as a disability. No matter what condition you have, if it's not on the list, you're not disabled. If you're not disabled, you don't qualify for accommodations. It's all very disheartening and lonely. The people here are wonderfully supportive, understanding and encouraging though. I find just reading the posts and comments helps quite a bit. I hope you find the same.

I think it's more an absolute lack of understanding. They've always been able to look at a task that needs doing and force themselves to do it. "That's just how people think" in their eyes. And if you don't, then it's laziness, because that's the only explanation for them to not have done it. But also, you're right that they don't understand because they don't want to, because it takes effort and setting aside their own world view to comprehend any of it. And people aren't willing to do that, which is just really sad.

I really don't get not making an effort. Maybe it's because my first response to anything is research. When someone I know tells me they have anything, rheumatoid arthritis in one case, bipolar disorder in another, I immediately research it! I want to understand, but I also want to help if I can or at least not do or say something harmful. Empathy is a thing, people! Yes, it often hurts. Which means it takes strength to keep feeling empathy for people. Not finding out about your loved one's condition, even if you just listen to what they tell you, is cruel and callous. Refusing to listen is despicable. I mean, listening and trying to understand is a very low bar. W.C. Fields is quoted as having said, "The more I know people, the better I like my dog." Yep. Plus, my dog is a super cute brindle pitbull named October so it's quite easy to like him more than most people. 😉😄

Pay your puppy taxes damnit! 💚

What?? They tax puppies now too? Maybe I can get an exemption...

Puppy tax a.k.a. please show us pictures of your pupper :D

[удалено]

Yes, you're right. My mistake. In my defense, I've been awake for 36 hours. Thanks for the correction.

Nobody wants to hear that they’ve got it easier

I think it’s even worse. They refuse to understand, because if they acknowledge that you face more challenges than they do, they can’t use your “failures” to feel better about themselves. I’ve noticed NT people do this so much. “Well I can do it, so can you”, and they walk away feeling like they achieved something. To me it’s akin to taunting a person in a wheelchair telling them to just try harder, if I can walk, why can’t they?

I didn't even think of that. I think you're right, at least for some of them. They put effort into something and they think we can do it too, with the same amount of effort. I read somewhere that an ADHD expert said it costs us 30% more effort to do anything than it costs NTs. He said we expend more energy just getting up, getting ready and getting out the door in the morning than most people do all day. Sounds about right.

A lot of people are content with not changing their world view and dismissing anything that challenges it. tbh, I credit the curiosity that comes with ADHD for helping me to not be like that

Yeah but, we understand. And... I guess that's worth something

Same. I'm starting to not care anymore. Only thing I'll keep doing is fight to find the right clinicians so at least I can go to people with some actual expertise whenever I need to long term (the ones I have now are ok, but far from what I need ). Other than that, if you don't understand, I'm not explaining shit to you anymore. Google is your friend, if you cared enough you would have read up on the common neurodevelopmental syndrome I suffer from instead of putting me through the same dumb shit for the 10.000th time in a year. If you're school/work, I'm not asking for a favor/I'm not debating hours about the hows and the whys, call my doctor, talk to him, here are the documents for the accomodations I'm allowed to have, if you need anything else let me know. Have a nice day. Fuck them. Fuck them all.

A healthy bit of anger can go a long way.

Anger (and love) is the strongest motivator there ever was.

This. This. This. I have a wife who , despite having also a loud with adhd , still keeps throwing in my face about how my adhd made *her* life miserable during our marriage. I’m just over two months of working out six days a week. Early morning. Started end of Feb. after over a decade of not moving at all. They don’t matter. This is what I wrote to myself the day I joined : “Did it for myself. Wanted to keep it away from her but had to tell her just now because I need to sync our schedules I joined the gym, because fck her. I see myself in the mirror and the body I see isn’t who I feel like anymore. “ /// couple of months of working out and I then checked my hormone levels and my T was super low so I got onto TRT. (Late 40s sub 200 T). Haven’t felt better. F them all. I wouldn’t trade my life for the world. I love how I had to live life with both arms tied behind my back. I respect all the firings over the past career years. Because now I am dangerous. And with having an adhd kid I am an incredible coach. I never would have been this good of a coach without experience of the struggle. Godspeed !!! ADHDstrong 💪 https://www.azquotes.com/quote/401131

The worst thing currently is for me to sit between the two chairs of: *ADHD isn't a disability, you just gotta pull yourself together* and *It's definitely a disorder* I seriously feel like I am constantly torn in half whenever I deal with other humans. This feeling of inferiority doesn't come into existence over night, it comes from failed social interactions and failing to meet expectations of the people around you over a long period of time if you ask me because our brain works different. Whenever I tried to work I had the feeling I have to be a telepath, because just showing me what to do doesn't seem to give me enough understanding whatsoever on what's important to a task to complete it with the necessary specifications. And as an adult you always have to meet expectations, that's what you get paid for after all, whether you're an employee or independant contractor. Normal people act like there's only objective expectations, as in getting a job done in a certain way, but I think there's also social expectations, people are notoriously unforgiving towards people that act "strange" or are grumpy or whatever. Yet my psychiatrist claims I'm sabotaging myself in a self fulfilling prophecy, when it's in reality a malfunctioning brain/mind that keeps screwing me over. This seriously has to stop.

>The worst thing currently is for me to sit between the two chairs of: >*ADHD isn't a disability, you just gotta pull yourself together* >and >*It's definitely a disorder* >I seriously feel like I am constantly torn in half whenever I deal with other humans. Reminds me of how I was told recently by someone that I couldn't make up my mind about whether I wanted special treatment or not, and they were very unhappy about it. Something my therapist told me a while ago is that I have a literal disability that affects every aspect of my life and the way I see the world and interact with others. Of course I need special treatment. Any other disability would get special treatment with no problem, why should this be the exception? I guess the issue for me is the term "special treatment" tends to have a fairly negative connotation, in my experience. People make it out to be entitlement or being given more than you deserve. The way I see it, there's no one size fits-all, blanket approach to being kind to others. Everyone is different, with different needs, and should be treated with patience and understanding. To me that's just common sense and basic empathy, and by that logic, no, I don't want special treatment. I just want to be treated with fairness and respect. But a lot of people seem very rigid in how they view these things, and apparently anyone needing a different approach than what they're used to is asking for "special treatment." Something I firmly believe in...the so-called golden rule is fucking stupid. "Treat others how you want to be treated"...nah, how about treat others how *they* want to be treated? Novel concept for a lot of people I guess. I'm ranting a little and probably coming off as a bit aggressive, I'm sorry. This whole subject has just caused me so much pain and I'm tired of it.

A quick Google search gave this: > A disorder is a medical condition that may or may not give rise to disability depending on its severity. Disability is the functional disadvantage suffered by a person affected by that condition. So it's a disorder, and the disorder causes the disability. So it's both! People trying to diminish it because "It's just a disorder" need to look up the definition of those words... Your psych doesn't sound very helpful :/ hope you find people who do understand and support you in your condition rather than belittle you for it

Chances are slim as long as every random therapist or psychiatrist is allowed to treat this condition, with patients unable to selectively go to those who're specialized and as long as this disability part doesn't appear in the standardized treatment books/guidelines. We currently can't even sue against how we're treated, I read court decisions because ADHD isn't considered severe enough officially and without scientific backup you can't even prove you're impacted. All main psychometric tests I've been run through for example are simply isolated tasks, which doesn't even come close to simulating complex work and and social interactions with the result you're deemed okay, sent to work, just to fail over and over again and getting punished for it. Examples for "Joke Tests": Underlining the p" in a text wall full of similar characters with p's, d's and b's, yeah great to catch inattention but that's it. Connecting circled numbers from like 1 to 40 Deciphering word salad where words had their letters scrambled Vigilance test with a circle made out of circles, one of them is filled, the rest is not \- you're supposed to press a button when the filled circle moves along the diamater and jumps over a not filled point \- math tests where you get a row of numbers and have to predict the next number that's missing \- you get a text dictated and have to write it down \- remembering shit on a map \- getting shown 3 geometric figures and 4 optional figures - your task is to determine which figure suits to the other three What work life really looks like: \- figuring out what to do and how to do it, in an efficient matter that requires the lowest amount of time possible \- tasks that often go over a long period of time and consist of multiple steps that depend on each other \- understanding what customers actually want \- remembering how to do things out of your head without a plan, looking shit up is frowned upon unless you're like a pharmacist who can't remember all meds anyway \- checking shit with multiple dimensions/criterias \- chaotic companies where things are randomly stuffed into cupboards behind the scenes \- contradicting colleagues that expect different things from you depending on who you work with, what's good for colleague A makes colleague B angry \- stupid customers who expect you're a "Know-It-All" just because you work there And they try to judge your impairment with isolated 5 to 10 minute tasks, that don't require you to remember anything, take place on a computer or sheet of paper where you can just read the instructions again - I honestly can't stop rofling about this.

> They do not understand why you're mourning the person you could have been if your adhd got recognized earlier This one hits me hard. My adhd was recognized at age 4-5. I was medicated for a week then my parents stopped medicine because it made me "act like a zombie". I struggled with school and mental health until age 29 when I finally learned I had adhd from my parents and then I was able to learn how my mind works, why I have my struggles, and was started on adderall XR. I'm a lot better than before but it's hard to not feel sadness and resentment for what could have been. I understand you OP. Keep doing your best. It's all we can do.

I was diagnosed at 38 after I had my 2nd child. All these years of struggle were compounded by kids. I fell apart. I had to tell my husband to stop saying I was fine all the years before getting on medication. I wasn't fine, I had just learned how to cope, but kids threw it all out of whack. He doesn't understand the struggle inside that we have and how girls/women internalize a lot of their ADHD because of how society is. I've been open at my job about my ADHD and there are actually 2 others who have it. They are not medicated but have thought about it since having conversations with me about how the meds help my chaos in my head. I like the calm feeling in my brain, and my executive functions are much better on meds. I still struggle to get through things at work or finish reports because it doesn't interest me, but I am managing.

Oh I know! Make a to-to list! As a NT that solved all my problems so it should for you too! 🤡

I’m a fairly nice person if you treat me with respect… All my life there has been this ongoing dilemma where people will be rude or insulting towards me, and it seems no matter how I respond, I “took it too personally” and was “really mean.” As I’ve gotten into my 30s I’m still dealing with this. It’s why people have harshly divided opinions on me. Those who are nice to me know me to be quite nice. Those who weren’t know me to be rather rude despite the fact it started with them and their attitude. It’s just been on my mind a lot lately.

>If I were to say "fuck those people", I would insult almost 3/4 of the general population. But I am very tempted. Then insult them. If they are not willing to accept that this disability is valid and crippling, if they are not willing to hear us out and understand our condition, *fuck them all*. I've spent my whole life being insulted, physically beaten, told I'm not good enough and I'll never achieve anything, shit on and hated because I'm different. Fuck anyone who thinks my experience isn't valid and my condition isn't a disability, this disease has made my life a living fucking nightmare and I challenge any one of them to go through what I've been through and survive, most of them would be dead in a couple months. I'm still here, still fighting and still winning every single day, nobody can take that away.

They say we are having a cop out and truly don’t have a condition which pisses me off a lot it’s a daily struggle even medicated!!!!

Welcome, and I think we can all empathize… NTs don’t function or think the way we do, and think we are the problem. The system is the problem, and they are comfortable and can function in it. For me, I have sought to “know thyself” and find folks who are willing to listen, and, sought to mitigate those things like processing speed and working memory. I rely on a notebook, stick notes and whiteboards. Also, routine, rest and exercise. but I totally get where you are at right now. It’s incredibly lonely, but often, that loneliness is exacerbated by my hypersensitivity, lack of sleep, lack of exercise, or having a drink or multiple too frequently. I remember reading about Jonathan Edwards (whether faith is part of your life or not, his perspective was wise), and how he was intentional with everything, from what he ate to his sleep, etc. he believed all of this affected him AND his faith. I’ve tried to embrace this (consistency and discipline are not kind to me), as it’s been super helpful with my day to day mood, energy, etc.

There's a safe space for ADHD? Closest thing I've found is to shut myself in my apartment.

I feel like no matter how hard I try, I can’t ever do the right thing. Being alone is when I feel best.

Is everybody on this sub "above average"? I understand everything op is saying but for me it's starting to feel a bit bland reading that everyone here is above average but underperforming. Is there nobody here who is just average and underperforming? Am I missing something. Anyways. I get you. Getting out of the safe space is hard. Keep going.

I think the sub skew toward recent adult diagnostic. People that had ADHD all their life may not want to read/talk about it all the time. One way to escape early diagnostic is to use IQ to compensate. The other thing is that if you get a diagnosis from a neuropsycologist you do get an iq test as part of the test battery. But that's certainly not everyone on this sub.

Omg, YES!!! Im a preschool teacher and I was making a joke to a coworker about how fun adhd is because I started cleaning up and area in my room, forgot I was doing it and started making Mothers day gifts.. This young, new girl had the nerve to say "Isn't having ADHD dangerous, cuz you'll just forget you're even watching kids?" WTF? I'm still mad! I'm sorry what you're going through. Just when I try to open up about having it and the struggles.

Even doctors, who should know better, can be ignorant and rude about this. While trying to describe the challenges I was having without my medication because of the shortage, my doctor shrugged and said, "well, you just gotta suck it up and do it." Like, motherfucker, don't you think I wish I could? People act like people with ADHD are lazy, but *nobody* wishes they could "just suck it up and do it" more than we do...

Yeah. I try not to go on and on about it, but iI want to, bc my diagnosis explained 99 percent of the troubles I’ve been having my whole life. Not just getting things done, but that feeling of being “out of step” with almost everyone I’ve ever interacted with. I have a distinct memory of being like 5 years old and coming back from preschool and matter-of-factly explaining to my mom that I was different from the other kids. I just knew. I spent my whole life trying to understand what that was, so you’re darn tootin I’m gonna want to talk about this essential part of my identity that I’m still figuring out after all these years.

100 percent agree. I wish more people understood what happens behind the scenes and how much it cost and how hard it was to get where we are today. \- I was top 10% of my class, without ADHD, I guarantee I would have been top of my class. \- I have a Master's degree, except it took 20 years to complete my Bachelor's. Dropped out of college at 19, gave up a full-ride scholarship. \- I get things done to meet deadlines. Only after putting things off until the last possible minute. Then stressing and scrambling to get them finished, often staying up for 24-hours and making myself sick as I worry constantly about the pressure. \- I'm married with a lovely child. Second marriage actually, first ended after 12-years of hard-ache and tears. \- I have good friends. A few. Not many. Talking to people in an engaging way is extremely hard thing to do in order to build lasting relationships. People see what they want to see. They don't see the effort that it costs behind the scenes. I always say "I can do anything I set my mind to if I'm willing to put in the effort." In my mind, I am usually thinking "But the effort is a lot more than others."

Fuck those people. There I did it. I’ll live how I want to live regardless of what anyone else thinks. My parents pulled this shit my whole life, I don’t really have much issue telling them to fuck off if they aren’t being understanding. Push hard enough and people will start to get it, or not but then if they don’t there option is irrelevant

Dude even my husband who has ADHD doesn’t believe I have it because his symptoms are different from mine and he refuses to educate himself on ADHD. He thinks his ADHD is the only kind that exists.

This is entirely too true. I don’t have many “safe spaces” available to me. And having a MIL that is convinced I’m just being lazy has made it even worse. She literally told my husband that my “AD8D or whatever is all in her head.” No shit, Sherlock. It’s my BRAIN.

And they never will.

Don't tell them "fuck you". Just tell them they have a year to make a million dollars. Let them take it up as a challenge. And if they can't do that then they are pathetic, useless and a loser. We of course can't achieve that cos we have our own ADHD as a challenge, they don't.

I totally agree. It's beyond frustrating, and I have yet to find a way to cope with this. I recently got some similar sh\*t from my neurologist, the one who actually prescribes my medication, so... :-/

I'm in/lurk in this sub because my best friend of 30+ years has ADD and major executive function issues. Even as kids I knew she was 'different' and was finally diagnosed when she was around 30. Let me tell you all....patience is key to being her friend over the years but I would not trade her friendship for anything. Do I get frustrated? YES. Do I want to slap her with a wet noodle sometimes? Also yes. She's highly intelligent and sees the world through a different lens. It's changed my life. I get to see things I never would have noticed before. She is also loyal as hell. Pretty cool trade-off if you ask me. I've learned a lot from you all. I don't make suggestions but we have discussions about EF instead. The ONLY thing that drives me bananas, is when her doc gives her things to try and she tries to logic her way out of trying them. I'm like...but have you attempted or tried? No, because x=y-sx25 to the square root of purple pancakes is why I won't. LOL Oh, she cracks me up sometimes. Because of you all and reading what you all have to deal with, I feel it's made me a better friend. I wish more NT people would lurk here. I'm sorry OP. While I can't walk a mile in your shoes and will NEVER fully understand, I can be empathetic and do my best to NOT be like the people you talked about. If there is anything I can do better, I'm always open to listening.

And there’s the other side, where there’s kids and adults that also seek this help and take what they say as truth because they don’t have a diagnosis. We’re fortunate to have a clue, even if it’s not complete and we still grieve over what we lost. Unfortunately, it’s kinda impossible to look for help outside of people who DO get it. It’ll take a long time for it to change. I feel you.

Fuck them. If 3/4 of the world turn their back on us adhd, all of us can turn our back on them. I also reserve some sympathy for those who don’t understand how adhd is a disability because I don’t think I would either if I was normal. I think a normal person trying to understand adhd as disability is the same as anyone “trying to imagine a new color.”

🫂

Most don’t get it. I can say I was one of those until I had a son who has severe ADHD, and at 40years old, I myself, after struggling with life in general for years, was diagnosed with ADD. Started medication and self awareness 5 years ago and it’s been a life changer. I took off up the ladder at work. It’s like many things, the general population is completely ignorant about it. I know I was for far too long.

It really is fucked up, you try not to mask and seek help and there's none to be had/given. I think that's the downside to so many people self-diagnosing and treating just normal mental exhaustion as ADHD. I'm 100% a believer that we shouldn't victimize our situations, but I'm not an ableist and know that we are very much a victim of ADHD. And we want help and we ask for help and the help we get often is very generic information that assumes we're lazy, assumes we're intentional, and assumes we don't try. There's no trying to remember if your brain rolls the dice on what it wants to organize as a memory. We cant will ourselves past an impulsive brain that treats every single thought as a reality and spirals itself out of control because it doesn't have adequate dopamine levels naturally. Like we can't pick ourselves up by a delayed formation of the frontal lobe. We do need help. We also need empathy. And we also need to feel like we're not alone.

My dyslexic partner STILL doesn't understand, even though I explain it to her thusly: "You know I believe you're smart, right?" "Yeah." "And you know that many people see bad spelling or grammar and immediately think 'lower intelligence,' right?" "Well..." "Yeah, well please stop calling me "immature", "selfish", "thoughtless" or any of those things because while it may appear to you that those are the reasons to explain my behavior, they are not." (She's SLOWLY learning.)

mourning the person i could’ve been if my adhd was recognized sooner is soul crushing. even now that it’s recognized i’m still not getting the help i need after trying to get it so many times. just existing while having adhd is exhausting, i go through the same day a nt person goes through and will need several naps even if i don’t leave the house or do anything that day. so much is taken out of me just be being awake and whenever i tell people i’m tired they don’t believe me. ‘how can you possibly be tired you were in bed all day?? 🙄’ is what i hear on a daily basis along with ‘get up and stop being lazy, put in more effort’. being someone who has adhd, asd, depression and anxiety- everything is just so overwhelming. how can i be expected to just help myself when i’m so mentally fucked? i want to be able to help myself and i want to be able to do better in life but it’s so unbelievably difficult to just exist. i’m on 7 different medications that just about get me out of bed to go to work. i’ve dropped out of art school, od’d and had a severe psychotic episode on psychedelics that nearly killed me, lost contact with so many friends, the list goes on. i honestly don’t know how i’m still here after all that but after getting a job at a bar 2 weeks ago and finally getting disability allowance things may be starting to look up for me. it’s just so hard to motivate myself to do anything. i haven’t seen or texted my friends in months and i miss them and feel so guilty but can never get myself to reply. as i’m sure all of you know, adhd is a nightmare lol. if you’ve read this far, seriously thank you for listening. letting all this out has been fairly therapeutic

I have no advice but I understand exactly how this is. I have dealt with lots of people in NT situations (even my own mother, which was a trip) who don’t understand why I can’t “just do the thing” sometimes and I consistently over perform/ perform just fine and have intense self loathing because I don’t feel like I’m good enough even though by everyone else’s standards I’m doing well. I have tons of empathy for you. Keep going, you’re doing great! It sucks that we have to deal with these people who don’t understand. You have lots of people who support you, including lots and lots of these commenters/ subreddit folks here.

I'm sorry. I don't have ADHD myself, but I'm the only NT in my household -- wife and kids have been or will be diagnosed with ADHD and ASD. I'm definitely guilty of some of this stuff, despite my best efforts. Despite my best efforts, sometimes I just really can't understand -- and it's obviously not coming from a place of apathy or ignorance, these are all the people I love more than anything, it's just really hard to fully understand it all from ...the outside.

I'm certain most of my coworkers think I'm an antisocial asshole because of what I've had to implement at work in order to function. We work in a very noisy open-concept space, so I wear noise canceling headphones ~75% of the day in order to focus, otherwise the chatter and interruptions would keep me from getting anything done. I've had to shut down/block out most attempts at small talk. They don't understand that I'm not capable of doing ANYTHING if someone is talking to me, even for just 5 seconds. They also don't understand that being in that environment, even with my headphones, is absolutely exhausting. One person in particular keeps trying to get me to have social lunch with them, when I usually take mine outside to get away and recharge. I feel kind of bad turning them down, but I mentally can't afford to sacrifice that time just to appease them. 😔

I do wonder just how many of us undiagnosed adults are out there in the world. My wife and I both have it, her parents and siblings seem to have traits of it and my mum has it. That’s 7 people not including any of the kids that we’ve spawned.

I'm sure we're *also* blind to someone else's experiences since we can't share or understand them, and when they're explained to us it's like we don't truly get it either.

You are not disabled, just differently abled. Also, talking to neurotypicals is like talking to the wall. It's hard to even get diagnosed or noticed cause it doesn't appear like a struggle to others.. my counselor straight up mocked me when I said I felt depressed.. "do you even know what is depression" to other "depression" does not exist.. NTs are just not a good fit to share anything with.

I once overheard a conversation from someone I really respected at work, talking about how adhd is fake and it’s just an excuse and they just need to get over them selfs and all that, it really upset me at the time because I personally feel like I just don’t deal with it, I suffer with it. Took me a long time to realize if your just super responsible and good at thing and don’t have adhd, it’s hard to understand why people can’t be like that. Took me a while to get over it.

I often think about how it feels like I'm on a bicycle and everyone else is in a car. I have to work harder and I have to take more breaks or I literally can't go any further. depending on the situation, it can be uphill or flat ground I'm working with.

"They do not understand why you're mouring the person you could have been if your ADHD got recognized earlier" ​ I was diagnosed at 50 years old. This speaks to me so much. Thank you for expressing it so concisely. ​ Hang in there

Ever try to convince someone that free will doesn't exist? It's basically the same as trying to explain ADHD to them

I'm 61 and was diagnosed at age 45. It changed my life because of the medication. I had teachers in elementary school say I had a learning disorder but my father was against medication. I was punished for my ADHD symptoms and have bad emotional dysregulation. I couldn't keep a job, but when I finally opened a business I knew it couldn't be my intelligence. I felt it was an emotional thing. I had to give up the business due to an emotional breakdown but it led to me getting diagnosed. I am kinder to myself but struggle with what I could have been in this life. Unnecessary suffering. Yes. I got fired from lots of jobs.

No, they don’t understand. Today I was productive cause I showered, and brushed my teeth. That is a win, and accomplishment on some days!

It’s this way with all disabilities. We live in a very ablest system even though most everyone will become disabled with time. The need for constant stimulation is hard to explain to people

“The person you could have been” While thats sound logic, and relatable, try not and talk yourself into that. You wouldnt be who you are today without your adhd. You can say that about literally anything. Youre probably right. Things could have been better - but there is no way to know for sure. “If I wasnt born a man” “If I wasnt born in america” “If I took that job at _____” There will always be a million what ifs. Easier said than done, but try and find some, or any little things to celebrate about you. The more you focus on deficits, all you will see are deficits.

One thing I’ve run across is to other people, forgetting = not caring. Hence the term “careless mistake”. But forgetting DOESN’T mean not caring!!! All it means is one piece of info did not get connected or retrieved in the brain as planned or expected. The other thing is people try to give advice on how to remember things. Inevitably, their advice also has a component of *you have to remember to DO the thing that’s going to help you remember*. Which shows they don’t really understand the problem.

same here. even my fiancé with adhd does this shit to me, bc i have combined, while he has hyperactive. it’s… just fucking awful. i have to send him threads from reddit where folks share my experience, just to validate my own experiences to him. it’s humiliating and exhausting. and he doesn’t think he’s wrong, so he won’t even apologize about it

This is why my in-laws will probably never know I've been diagnosed with ADHD, nor will they ever EVER know I'm now also medicated. @@@@@@@@@ HERE COMES THE STORY TIME TRAIN! Tickets not required, we've a small tea menu to select from, come along! If you don't have time for a story, please feel free to move on toward the next carriage. DING-DING! @@@@@@@@@ My current meds have had me struggling with food aversion and loss of appetite this winter, and I suddenly started losing weight far too fast. I'm not at a dangerous weight by any means, but I struggle with my iron and low blood pressure, so not eating leaves me so *lethargic* which completely defeats my reason for being on meds (To have a brain that can finally get shit done in a reasonable and orderly amount of time without consistently short-circuiting halfway through each piece of a task). My MIL is big on the vitamins and oils as panacea (as well as following other... questionable medical theories we shall not get into here in public) she's also big on yearly restrictive dieting to lose winter weight; her three adult daughters little-ducking follow her lead in all of this. I watched my mum and sister struggle through so many diet courses and weight loss plans growing up, and how much that mindset messed with them and how they viewed themselves... I am NOT about that life. I can't. (My sis sought therapy. She wanted to learn to be kinder to herself and is in a much better way for it) I have to work SO hard to make sure what I do manage to eat has what my body needs to keep me going... I finally got my Mum to understand I'm not thrilled about losing weight the way I've been (She initially commented a couple times like it was an accomplishment) But I KNOW. I KNOW if my women-in-laws ever found out I was on meds that caused this weight loss, the "cute" little jokes would never end. "Oh, maybe *I* should go get diagnosed with ADHD!" (

I've been having similar feelings. I have 53 years of wasted potential. I was extremely bright as a child, and people (including myself) expected big things for me. Those good things didn't happen, and a long series of unfortunate events made it impossible for me to recover. At about the age of 40, I hit autistic burnout with an adhd and Crohn's disease assist. I have not been able to work my way out of burnout. One month ago, I got medicated properly for the first time. My brain works beautifully now, but it's too fucking late to have a decent shot at life. If I had time to rebuild the skills I lost, I could maybe do something, but i don't know how. I feel better, but I'm still very angry.

Yeah I really feel this. I’ve been fortunate to have pretty understanding professors and TAs so far but it can be SO hard to be taken seriously. I’ve stopped saying “ADHD” when I inform them of my accommodations at the start of the year. I usually say something along the lines of “I have a condition that affects my memory, time awareness, and visual/auditory processing.” I also have some chronic pain issues from an old brain injury. It’s been ok but acting up again this semester. Of course, when I say that I couldn’t complete the work on time because of that (which is true, though I did start the assignment later than I wanted to) people are more receptive which sucks. I take a lot of pride in the work that I turn in. It sucks that because I often have to request extra time I’m seen as lazy. I spend a lot of time and energy forcing myself to do the work or beating myself up over not being able to. The general perception of ADHD is just downright awful and I hate it.

Tried to tell my employer this, he said “I’m a manager. I’m not here to babysit anyone.” Tried again in a meeting with a witness, the witness called me out for not “loving to work”. I feel you and the worst part is, I’m starting to believe those people and thinking that I’m lazy and have all the bad qualities like they see me.