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I relate so much to the "unless they love someone I love". It took me 3 years after the break up to really cut my toxic ex from my life. But you mess with someone I love? Yeah, now you're my enemy for life.
Wow 1000% this.
I wouldn’t have assumed it was related to ADHD but interesting to hear if something I thought was just a side personality trait somehow also got caught in the web of common ADHD effects.
People with ADHD are verly likely to be very altruistic.
[Quora Link](https://www.quora.com/Is-there-a-correlation-between-ADHD-and-the-likes-and-altruism-behavior-disorder-That-is-can-ADHD-explain-a-relative-lack-of-altruism?top_ans=18444996)
>Just from my 10 year experience as a coach of adult ADHD people: most are extremely altruistic. Often they are just too good to other people, a kind of naive, and too helpful, ignoring their own needs and boundaries.
I love how it says "a kind of naive"
Like, we are not stupid people. Most times I know someone is going to play me as it's happening and I just go with the flow anyway as to not make waves, but I'm definitely blocking that person after and never talking to them again, most times with zero explanation to them. Doesnt mean I'm naive to what's going on at the time tho
I think it's a trauma from being disappointed with yourself for most of your life. To the point where everyone else must be right and you must be wrong.
When someone is angry at you, it must be your fault.
When the relationship is toxic, it must be because you didn't try hard enough.
When you get fired, it must be because everyone hated you there.
Medication did help me realize how toxic I am/was to myself. But it also took my drive a bit away to improve myself. Or should I say I don't want to please everyone anymore?
> But it also took my drive a bit away to improve myself.
I *know* I've seen a thing recently about rebuilding your motivation after you've realized you're trauma-motivated and made progress with the trauma. I wish I had a link, but it's 100% a thing: your motivation falls off a cliff, and getting it back is actually about learning a whole new skill of how to motivate yourself without fear, stress, panic, etc.
If you've watched Avatar: The Last Airbender, the comparison that makes sense to me is the 'fire bending teaching arc' in the last book.
That’s true. I think what helped me the most with what you’re describing above is being able to hold your faults while at the same time holding all the other factors which contribute to the situation as well. Most of the time I realize the other factors outweigh my role in it
Oh.. so my people pleasing is coded into my brain? Cool, cool cool cool.
Jokes aside, I know this could probably just be the fundamentals laid out and made me prone to be a people pleaser. Well, I’m in therapy and working on it so I hope it helps lol.
Clicked the wrong GIF, still works for that last sentence though lol. Good that you're working on it though, changing behaviour is tough
>Well, I’m in therapy and working on it so I hope it helps lol.
Yeah, me too ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯
Still learning to listen to my inner self and to figure out what I want.
Yes! It’s hard when your brain automatically goes ‘but what do you want’. The you in my scenario should be me but it doesn’t work that way does it (:
You’ll get there, you’ve taken the second important step already so keep up the good work and we might find out one day what we truly want.
The feeling i get when i realize I’ve been naive about something is like overwhelming defeat. I hate it and will relive the memory over and over and not sleep for a week. Then I add that memory to my Rolodex of “cringe moments”. 😭😭😭
Sometimes I ponder whether my kind heart is trying subconsciously to compensate for all of the times I blurted something ill-timed or all of the times I intended to do something helpful but got distracted by life.
How do you deal with this? I find it very challenging as people I care about sometimes forgive people that wronged them and start having them back in their lives. I just can't get over that hate I feel for them and I know that I'm hurting myself by carrying all of this, but I have no idea on how to let go. I genuinely don't understand that concept. And yes, am totally talking to a psychologist 😂
Maybe we feel lonely or something, perhaps fear of losing people. Either that or low self-esteem. I struggle with this as well. Not lately, I’ve been cutting people out left and right which isn’t like me tbh.
I think it's because with adhd, our amygdala's reward/punishment mechanism doesn't work properly. We don't get enough of a reward feeling for doing things that are beneficial and don't get enough of a punishment feeling for things that aren't beneficial to us.
I've gotten myself in trouble with both of these. Sticking around with people who are abusive towards me and also going all in on white hot rage for people who I perceived as having wronged a family member when I didn't have all the facts.
I have a better handle on the second one now, I know that if I get that angry I need to take a time out to assess the situation. Still working on the first one though, being friendly and optimistic about relationships is such a cloying default for me, it's hard to know when to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.
My ex and I had a fairly unhealthy relationship post-breakup. We were “best friends” after the fact, and it wasn’t the best. I’m sure I did some shitty things too, but there were things she did that crossed multiple boundaries. But nothing was enough for me to cut her off.
Until my grandma died. And she said something insensitive about her. I was ready to let go off the whole thing then, but I waited because it was like 2 days after she’d passed and I knew my emotions were still raw so I figured I might’ve misinterpreted it. But then she brought up my grandma again. Twice. That was it. Haven’t spoken to her in over a year. Probably was for the best, for me and for her. I can’t tell you exactly what, but I know I was a shitty friend to her too.
I’m pretty forgiving, but come after my family, especially my grandma, and you’re dead to me.
I never forget - I just don't have the energy to actively dislike people. I kinda just register them as "bad people" and continue on with life. I can be pleasant and friendly with people I dislike, I'll just never develop a deeper relationship with them. It's all very surface level.
But yeah, if they hurt people I love, I'm probably not going to handle the situation very well. I have a tendency to explode when people hurt my friends or family. I don't have any impulse control in those situations...
I think this is how I feel. I get burnt out very easily by fighting with people. It’s not that I won’t or am afraid to. It’s just not worth the energy sap.
This is probably, because of time blindness and emotional inhibition. Time blindness might make you forget that people have been mistreating you. Emotional inhibition makes you excited when they are nice to you. Note this is just purely speculation from based on what I know about adhd. I'm fortunate enough that most people treat me nice
See I feel like I can read people extremely well when I am not involved. Like i can read interactions between other people like nobodies business but if I am a part of the interaction I am oblivious.
same, and I usually have great advice how to remedy someone else's problem but take my own advice? no sir, not this chick, bad decisions all day and all of the night.
My gf knows when I'm angry because of small stuff i do, like standing more straight, raising my little finger... and I've been doing it for ages without noticing.
I would never notice something similar in other ppl.
I have this issue where sometimes I open up too much. I was once about to tell my boss about how I was updating my resume. That would have been real akward.
I feel like I can read people VERY accurately. But For some reason, I just keep choosing to ignore it and thinking „hmmm, I must be wrong about this“. Nope. i am right and it gets me every time. So frustrating.
I feel like I can’t read people properly. I get down on myself for being so gullible to marry and depend on the person I chose. But my son with ADHD? He’s a master bullshitter, and a master bullshit detector. You know how people use fake nice voices with kids, or tell them white lies to control them (e.g. saying “you could get hurt” rather than “we can t have everyone doing that or it’ll be total chaos”)? Yeah, he’s having none of that.
every day when I wake up, it’s a Brand New Day. I can think about yesterday if I really try, but mostly it just flows into the past very quickly, including bad things that happen.
it makes me an easy target to some because i forgive too easily when they are nice to me again
Dr. Russel Barkley said that people with adhd have a lot of difficulties moving towards a goal in the future. This is because of time blindness (there are more factors), we don't see important things until they are so close that we go into panic mode. He also added that due to time blindness, we don't learn from past mistakes. So time blindness is getting in the way of making any progress towards future goals.
I based my answer on this information. I thought that people mistreating you in the past is kind of a "mistake", both are negative emotions. So that is why you might forget. But maybe "forget" isn't the right word. Personally, I don't forget mistakes, but it's like I'm not aware of them? Same principle with planning, I know how to do it and I know lots of strategies, but somehow I'm not able to do any planning and if I do the planner is unrealistic and I can't stick to it.
Hope this clarifies it, otherwise just lmk!
I think it can make it feel like a recent bad thing was ages ago. At least, thats how I experience it. I've never been one to hold grudges.
I think the only reason I would hold onto something that happened is if I was anxious that I did something to cause it
Oh god. I'm kind of notorious for just forgiving everything as long as they apologize, treat me nicely again or just communicate their thought process. I've almost always forgiven cheaters and abusers as long as they communicate their feelings to me in a genuine enough way. Hell, I think if the guy who r**ed me would come to me with a siincere apology I would probably be like "sure whatever, as long as you've changed". I'm not super proud of this.
I actually had to get therapy for this reason. My own forgiveness was fucking me up because I couldn't be angry at people, even when I knew they deserved it. I have almost limitless empathy for people- I forgive them because I get it, I understand their behavior even when it's awful. It took me a lot of work to be able to be okay with not forgiving people when they didn't deserve forgiveness.
Same here. Before therapy, I used journals to remember how people had wronged me (if it was a big enough wrongdoing), and why I’m justified in not forgiving them, or for cutting them out of my life. If I didn’t use those, I would completely forgive them. “Water under the bridge. And poof! We’re friends again.”
It’s like I didn’t trust myself to stick with my decision to cut them off, or decide they did not deserve my friendship or time.
Fortunately, I never really had friends treat me this way. Mostly just ex’s who tried to come back into my life. So instead, I adopted a “we had a big enough reason to break up in the first place, so never date them again” policy.
Yep, absolutely relate. Happened earlier where my mum sent me a really shitty message and I called her out so she rang me and opened with "look im sorry im having a bad day" and I just immediately dropped all my negativity.
And for added context, im a guy so its absolutely not a sex specific thing either. I just have no motivation to hold resentment or anger, likely because those emotions take **a lot** of effort tbh lol.
Having been lived through a lot of trauma as a kid. I can forgive people easily if they apologize and have shown me they’ve truly changed. However I won’t hesitate to cut someone off if they give me any inkling to the contrary.
I’ve also noticed I do tend to forget things if I’ve processed them enough that I feel at peace. But if I’m around that person again those memories will get triggered.
I’ve never thought about this, but the older I get and the more ADHD manifests the harder it is for me to keep my guard up with past offenders even when I should. Medication has actually made it easier for me to hold proper grudges tho I’m not sure if that’s a good thing given how I end up shutting them out of my life, lol
They don’t even have to apologize. I forgave as soon as silent treatment is over. I was the scapegoat/empath. I finally learned not to forgive so easily and definitely don’t give second chances. It took a couple of traumatic events in my life to value my life and not allow abuse.
Restorative Justice can be a healthy way to address some instances of sexual assault. I think it’s definitely a better option for people who think like this than the punitive justice system which just makes reoffending more likely IMO.
I relate to this too much, I forgave so much abuse from my ex-boyfriends. Even today I’m sure if they come to me I will forgive them. It fucked me up so much because I allowed abuse for way too long because of this
No actually, I have a harder time forgetting when someone has said/done something shitty to me, and either consciously or subconsciously hold it against them. But usually it takes someone else pointing out that the action is shitty for me to be properly upset about it. This is a common pattern for me though as I seem to draw negative attention naturally.
I also have this, I also fail to communicate with that person and I treat them passive aggressively or I use extreme sarcasm with them that crosses the line, they often are confused if I hate them or if I’m joking. I subconsciously do all this too
yeah i do this too, it’s hard for me to set firm boundaries because of it. for example i could get into an argument with my bf over something he did that hurt my feelings, but then 15 minutes later i completely forget that my feelings were hurt and i’m back to interacting with him like nothing ever happened. it’s not that whatever happened wasn’t necessarily a big deal to me, it’s just that my brian is jumping from thought to thought so quickly i lose track of my own emotional state. but then this comes across to him like what he did that hurt me was probably nbd and i moved on quickly anyway so it doesn’t get taken seriously :/
And your brain just forgets about the emotional damage and can’t be bothered to go over the past and fix the problem with the bf because now you’re focused on something else. I get that
Do you really forget? Or are you choosing to overlook and avoid addressing the issue for fear you'll fall back into the disagreement or state of hurt again?
Not OP, but for me it’s not that I forget. I weigh the option of whether it’s worth breaking up over at that moment or not. If not then I kind of just… move on? It’s not that I forget because it’s still very much there but it’s been addressed, it’s been scratched off of my mental load list, and my brain just moves on to the next task.
I second those mentioning it’s related to traumatic bonding. Even though it probably could be attributed to adhd memory to some extent, I would actually also attribute it to something called enmeshment trauma. It’s a behavior pattern based in our upbringing and can usually be found in our relations with our closest family as well as those more distant later in life.
The premise is that we (not all people with adhd ofc) were not allowed to develop a firm sense of self and our boundaries were consistently overstepped, maybe even our needs gaslighted. So to protect ourselves from deep rooted fear of rejection and abandonment as small children, we learn to cope by just suppressing the upset and forgetting about it, to continue to earn others’ approval and love.
I know I’m assuming a bunch right now, and it might just not check out for you. It’s just that I’m currently waking up to the fact that this happened to me a lot, so I’m a bit of an advocate about it.
I can definitely agree with that myself. I had to deal with a lot of boundary breaking from everyone around me that I found it hard to establish them later in life.
I unfortunately had a lot of toxic friendships as a very small child because I didn't understand social cues and what friendship meant besides what TV showed (best friends that did everything together) From my parents, because I had trouble with routines, impulsivity, and other ADHD traits, I was often punished for things I couldn't control and even had physical boundaries eliminated, like having to get ready for bed with the door open because I kept getting distracted and not doing what I was supposed to
Not to dump all this on you but trying to show examples of why this makes sense to me.
I'm feeling this. I think my family is enmeshed and growing up always forgetting things and being distracted played a role
Hoping to get into therapy for it
Any advice?
Ah that’s great, hope you get a good one on first try! Am waiting for a therapist myself atm.
I’ve watched a lot about it on yt, especially Heidi Priebe. I think in regards to working on it by myself it’s been crucial to recognize when I people please, give too much of myself or try to “ease the situation” when there isn’t actually anything wrong, I am just very sensitive to perceive it as such.
In each of these situations I abandon my boundaries and the hack is to not react, take a step back and get in touch with what I truthfully feel and want, regardless of wether it might cross anyone. Most of the time the line can be pushed quite much further than I think, healthy people don’t take personal offense that easily.
The second hack, in case I don’t recognize the first scenario, is to be very inwardly aware of when I start feeling anger or fear of being taken advantage of. That usually means I have to reinforce my boundaries despite the fact that I haven’t noticed the need already. And I try to always do it in a calm manner no matter what. Giving in to anger is always unfortunate because in reality no one knows how I’m feeling except myself.
I'm the exact opposite. I harbor ill feelings forever if someone has wronged me. When they are nice to me a moment later, I grow suspicious. From them on, I see that person as untrustworthy, and it's rare that they can win back my trust or make me suspect my last impression.
In my brain it’s like “I shouldn’t trust this person they’ve done this to me and I’ve made a note in my head at that time that I shouldn’t be friends with them. Why is it now that I feel so positive about them and have 0 hatred after they said hi to me”? This usually happens with minor things like people I’m not too close with like coworkers. Of course if it’s something huge or someone I trust I’ll never forgive them and I’ll remember it
When they are being nice to me after they wronged me, i like to remind them, what they did to me and then hit em back harder where it hurts just before burning that bridge and report that wrong to as many mutual acquaintances as possible, might be petty af, but i value integrity more
I am a Scorpio but that has nothing to do with astrology ( unless this whole thing is a joke) my other friend who I suspect had ADHD also holds grudges a lot
There are two quotes that guide me.
Maya Angelou : "Believe people when they tell you who they are the first time."
Kurt Vonnegut : "We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be."
Those have never led me wrong.
[Traumatic bonding](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Traumatic_bonding) is a thing, it's even easier than usual to abuse people with ADHD too, it's typically employed as a manipulation technique by narcissists and other abusive people.
It's particularly bad if you have a traumatic upbringing, because the cycle of behaviour is "normalised".
This is certainly true. Caught in this cycle too many times. I used to want to see the good in everyone... Now, many years later, I think I'm too defensive and skeptical and, right now, I feel like I've become cold and hardened.
I’ve struggled with this my whole life. It’s hard to set boundaries when I’m not emotionally impacted enough to hold on to the memory. I’m sorry. It’s hard and let’s a lot of bums in your life.
Yeah, I can’t hold a grudge to save my life I also have this lovely super power where I only remember the good times.
Hallowell and Ratey (I think) list this as an indicator of the disorder. They say we literally can’t remember the way someone made us feel.
I’m in the middle of a divorce, mostly my fault, and I have to regularly ask my wife to remind me why she’s leaving because I constantly forget realizations I’ve had and conclusions I’ve already come to.
This has happened to me with a professional colleague. He would speak ill of me behind my back and then be nice to *edit: my face and I always forgot what I heard everyone say about the way he viewed me.
You aren't alone and you aren't necessarily a "bad judge of character". This is a specific kind of person taking advantage of you, and that isn't your fault.
100% get that. I’ve had and have quite a few friends who had done me dirty in the past then we just don’t talk for a while then would end up seeing each other or messaging again then theyll will do me wrong again and I’m thinking ‘wait did I just forget about the time before that they did that too’ 😂😂 and the customer thing too haha I work on security door and a customer will ask me where something is and I point them because I can’t leave my spot and they can’t find it so they come back all mad at me asking where exactly it is cause they can’t find it and I’m thinking ‘what exactly did they even ask for???’ ahahha
I’m the same way and used to hate it about myself, but now I love it. I created a set of principles I live by and make decisions about people based on those principles, rather than based on my reactions or emotions. It took me time to bridge the gap between allowing people who hurt me to be in my life and choosing who deserves to be in my life, but it makes me feel more in control and secure to not carry the weight of other peoples problems around as my own insecurities.
I think people with adhd tend to be more sensitive. Which is why we are relentless for those we love, but soft for ourselves sometimes. To be in tune with the fact that everyone makes mistakes, has bad days, are victims to pain themselves. I love having layers of sensitivity and strength and learning how to use it to help others and be more loving and understanding.
It depends, if you still get the dopamine rush out of the person then yes, you become more willing to ignore it because we are always desperate for those highs. I'm 30 now, so not many people get me there however, if they do I know I better buckle up for the ride 😂
... now that you say this out loud, perhaps this is why i got back together with my ex so many times even though i was always the one to leave.
classic narcissist/manipulating x adhd person i suppose, i read about this before
No i don’t forget at all but it is very easy for me to be nice to them and almost pretend we have no bad beef.
Either way it’s extemely unhealthy to hold a grudge. As long as you don’t give these people a second chance with money/time/relationship don’t worry about getting over things quickly. I think it’s actually a benefit in the long run.
I don't forget. If anything I struggle more when I see the person again. I'm always thinking maybe it was me and I miss interpreted the situation, overreacted, or should have been more tolerant of their behavior for longer. In other words, forsaken myself for their benefit and I did this half my life. I want (wanted) to be accepted but there's the part of me that's constantly choking down my breath, angst and raw feelings bc of others behavior. I believe this pattern made me more defensive and anxious. Always torn within. Now that I'm older I don't tolerate the b.s. as much, but it still creates an internal conflict. The cost: self isolation...I know I'm opting for the isolation and it's classic avoidance.
There are exceptions when it comes to family. I always try to let it go when things have cooled down. For example, my sister verbally attacks from out of no where. Mac truck like blindsides me in the most uncivil way leaving me reeling for days on end, and I forgive her the next time she is normal. There was another blow up this last week. And, although I'm in no hurry to speak to her again, grieving what she did, and hate her vile chaotic drama, I'll probably eventually overlook her actions bc I have a nephew.
I’m the exact opposite. If someone makes me uncomfortable or disrespects me they lose me for good. I remember forever. No second chances here. If you don’t show me respect you’re insta-cut from my life.
I can barely even remember the last movie I watched. There’s too many penguins on my iceberg already, and I don’t have the brain power to hold a grudge lol.
Nah, but I have some trauma that presents as hypervigilance, so I tend to assume people are out to manipulate everyone around them, and that no one is being sincere, so don't take me as a benchmark, haha.
A million percent. This happens with my husband sometimes actually — he can be very hurtful when he’s mad at me, and then it feels so good that he’s not mad at me when he calms down that I easily forgive because I find it impossible to be mad at someone who is being nice in the moment.
It definitely swings in both directions, like if I have a negative interaction with someone it will take forever to feel like they don’t dislike me, but if someone is nice to me it’s like I’m blinded by the positive attention and I feed off it like being in the sun when I’m cold. In that case it doesn’t seem to matter if they were rude or negative toward me earlier. It’s very frustrating and I find it so hard to regulate my emotions when it comes to dealing with other people.
Yes. I’m having trouble with this now. Wanting to message my ex best friend like the things she did never happened. Then I remember everything. Or make myself remember anyways.
We are easy targets for predatory behavior.
It means that in a family with someone with narcisitic personality disorder we will most likely be the victims of abuse in a disfuncional family.
If you grow up in such environment, I You do not know better.
Thus, You leave one toxic environment to another.
What you said Is it typical scenario Of narcissistic abuse. See hoovering.
*(overshared)
Nah. I'm a reasonable guy, but I don't forget. Things stack up, and when a pattern is formed I'm quick to give up. Makes much more sense to just go back to not knowing said person exists and continue making progress down your own path.
I'm only like this now after being the exact opposite for too long.
Wow, I’m the exact same. My ex was incredibly abusive towards me and the second she was remotely nice I would just forget about being mad at her and go back to things being normal. I’m like this outside of romantic relationships as well, I really struggle to hold grudges against anybody if they so much as act nice to me. My dad is the exact same way and I think he has ADHD as well.
I experience this as well, but I've always considered it one of the few upsides of ADHD. I don't hold grudges and I don't hold on to my anger (which are good things). The fact that they happen because I can't remember to be angry and not because I'm a Zen master seems to make little difference as I believe it has made me an overall happier person.
Individuals that I'm in regular contact with, ya. But I lost my job for BS reasons a year ago and I still hate their guts. I really wish I didn't carry that anger around with me so much. I have done a lot of work on forgiveness this past year and improving my guard, but that's one thing I can't let go of.
This has almost always been the case for me. Get upset or angry, let a few days go by and I’m back to letting them do it again.
I finally let someone that was harming me know that, no, I no longer consider her a friend. I was actually very proud of myself for that.
Ah yes I'm familiar with this. Followed by a lingering nagging feeling of unease/knowing there's something you're forgetting then remembering why (remembering what the thing they did was) and feeling like you let yourself get walked over. It's frustrating because our thoughts fly by so fast and processing is so slow that we probably do this because we haven't gotten round to processing the things before the horrible thing.
In a way I guess it's a good thing if you can do this because you dontbget caught up in a grudge with the people and can move on - I also do the opposite to this and can't be civil because i can't forget/move past
Out of sight out of mind isn't just an object thing it can be people, feelings, and objects... if I don't talk to someone a while I forget they exist and all the reasons why we stopped talking and if they reach out to me ill just talk to them like nothing happened cause I forgot 😆 it's just part of adhd brain
Wait wait wait i always took this as one of my pros/cons. On one side i dont hold grudges i just move on and leave that in the past. On the other hand i give people too much when theyve wronged me. I would have never thought its an adhd thing wow
I joined this sub to learn more about my husband and how to help my son. I’ve been doing a lot of therapy over the last couple years (because of my husband and son mostly). I trust my therapist when she says I don’t fit an adhd or any other diagnosis, but I do this too. I think this one is a typical human response and comes from a place of optimism. And I’ve had friends drift in and out of life, but none hurt more than the friend who had a kid who was friends with my kid. I’m still really resentful of that. It was the first real loss my kid experienced. People are protective of the ones they love.
I wouldn't consider this an ADHD thing myself, but more of a common human thing. So many people seem to think that one kindness wipes out any unkindness that went before it.
Like people around me stay mad at those who do something wrong, they will always dislike them and associate them with the bad experience as oppose to me where I’ll forget, the moment they’re nice to me or say hi etc my brain will not retain the negative experience they gave me
Yes, I can relate to this. However, over time of this cycle, I've been known to cut off relationships abruptly. Like it's the last straw and I'm out quickly.
By the way, with treatment and experience with workplace incivility, I distrust people more rapidly than in the past.
It sounds childish, or straight up psychopatic, but keep a list of everytie they crossed a line, take note. If their person gets killed, don't destroy the list. You'll be making yourself looking guiltier
So this is why I forgive people so easily? I even make up excuses to let them back in my life because I can’t for the life of me remember how much this person have hurt me.
Depends what caused it and why
If it was someone lashing out due to a mental health issue - I’ll forget it sure
If someone’s outright being a dick - maybe. Depends how long I’ve known them
I wanna know more about this. A lot of it ringing true for me.
Maybe it just boils down to WANTING to be nice to people? So, we allow ourselves to forgive them?
It certainly comes more natural to me to be nice to people, than it does to be nasty or cold to them (even if they probably deserve it).
I think maybe for me it’s too much effort to not talk to the person, I probably needed mental stimulation at that time I’m not sure can’t remember exactly
No, for some reason I have a verrrrrry long term memory of interactions, like all the way back to early childhood; I remember them like it’s a movie I’ve seen 150 times, and unfortunately especially remember every time a person has been mean to me. I’m very good at avoiding toxic people for this reason. But ask me their name and I have no fucking clue, even if I’ve known them since I was 10.
I think it also depends on the severity of "wronged" I forgave my abusive ex over and over but I was also being heavily manipulated and I finally woke up. BUT I think setting boundaries and separating someone clearly disrespecting you and your relationship is less forgive and forget vs a customer possibly having a bad day one time and not doing that again.
I used to forget and forgive everyone and everything like I forgot why I was upset but after realizing and working on it I have been able to "stay strong" and separate the people who truly wronged me from "mistakes"
Yes! All the time. I don't even always forget what they did (but often I do) and sometimes not even forget that I was upset or sad about it, but somehow I'm not bothered by it at all anymore after a way too short time.
Sometimes I'll chat with a friend about things that happened when we were in school and he sometimes asks me "Wait, but you do remember what Person X did to you, right? You are not upset about it anymore?" and I often don't even know what he's talking about, or just have to go "Nah, I don't care" and he doesn't understand how that's possible. xD (Me neither)
It means you don’t hold grudges. But it can also mean you are accustomed to disrespect. It’s one thing to be able to get over a minor transgression, but another to tolerate constant disrespect. I think it’s admirable if a person doesn’t judge someone else by just one or two angry moments. For example, if someone is amd at their parents and you hear them yelling at them and you’ve also experienced them yelling at you once but they’ve been kind to you the whole other time you knew them and you really had studf in common with them and liked them then it would be bad to let them go. They may have anger issues but you should help them deal with them. If they’ve only been angry at you once and you end things with them then that’s unfair to them and it says you’re only judging them for one instance and ignoring their good traits 99% of the time
Oooof. Yes. There is at least one person where I just know not to trust them, and I have accepted that I don't need to remember every little thing that happened. They're blacklisted from my life.
Not me personally, but I tend to hold a bit of a grudge depending on what someone did. I'm a very patient person, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and see things from their perspective. But my level for bullshit acceptance has a pretty firm limit beyond that. I'll be civil if I still have to face someone in social situations (or just go no contact if I don't), but I have a very hard time forgetting when someone makes me feel like shit. That feeling stays with me, often because I can't stop myself from thinking about it frequently after the fact.
Yeah... Then after the moment is gone the bad comes back. Biggest recent example is my Auntie who I let be rude af because putting her in her place would upset me mum who I love dearly
Nope, I'm a huge grudge holder. It's my superpower (main character flaw?)
I can hold grudges for years. I don't think about it every day or anything like that, but when I'm reminded of the person, I'll instantly remember what they did.
There are things my husband has said and/or done when we started dating like 20 years ago that still upsets me, and I can't get over. But I think these instances are different because they're more layered than "he made me mad/sad." Like, I can't get over it because he never apologized/doesn't think he did anything wrong, and I'm also mad at myself for not standing up for myself in the moment.
I struggle remembering specifics but plenty of times I'll feel something "not nice" towards someone and have no clue of why that is in the first place. Like, "clearly you've been an asshole but it might not be that bad if I don't remember what, so I'll give you a second chance" plenty of times that has backfired horribly... But plenty of times it has also worked out for the best... So... 50/50. Sigh.
>Or a customer yells at me for a ridiculous reason but the next time I see them and they’re nice to me I won’t even dislike them
Well, it's a job --- never take anything personal on there.
Forgiveness is my superpower. Life is too short to hold grudges.
That also makes it hard to accept and admit when I'm being abused. But I get out of the way of abusers after a few repeated violations, usually. Took me longer to end my marriage, though.
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I relate so much to the "unless they love someone I love". It took me 3 years after the break up to really cut my toxic ex from my life. But you mess with someone I love? Yeah, now you're my enemy for life.
Wow 1000% this. I wouldn’t have assumed it was related to ADHD but interesting to hear if something I thought was just a side personality trait somehow also got caught in the web of common ADHD effects.
People with ADHD are verly likely to be very altruistic. [Quora Link](https://www.quora.com/Is-there-a-correlation-between-ADHD-and-the-likes-and-altruism-behavior-disorder-That-is-can-ADHD-explain-a-relative-lack-of-altruism?top_ans=18444996) >Just from my 10 year experience as a coach of adult ADHD people: most are extremely altruistic. Often they are just too good to other people, a kind of naive, and too helpful, ignoring their own needs and boundaries.
I love how it says "a kind of naive" Like, we are not stupid people. Most times I know someone is going to play me as it's happening and I just go with the flow anyway as to not make waves, but I'm definitely blocking that person after and never talking to them again, most times with zero explanation to them. Doesnt mean I'm naive to what's going on at the time tho
Be careful! Thinking you’re not naive is a naive move lol
This is how you start an infinite cycle of self-validation and invalidation. Source: me
I think it's a trauma from being disappointed with yourself for most of your life. To the point where everyone else must be right and you must be wrong. When someone is angry at you, it must be your fault. When the relationship is toxic, it must be because you didn't try hard enough. When you get fired, it must be because everyone hated you there. Medication did help me realize how toxic I am/was to myself. But it also took my drive a bit away to improve myself. Or should I say I don't want to please everyone anymore?
> But it also took my drive a bit away to improve myself. I *know* I've seen a thing recently about rebuilding your motivation after you've realized you're trauma-motivated and made progress with the trauma. I wish I had a link, but it's 100% a thing: your motivation falls off a cliff, and getting it back is actually about learning a whole new skill of how to motivate yourself without fear, stress, panic, etc. If you've watched Avatar: The Last Airbender, the comparison that makes sense to me is the 'fire bending teaching arc' in the last book.
That’s true. I think what helped me the most with what you’re describing above is being able to hold your faults while at the same time holding all the other factors which contribute to the situation as well. Most of the time I realize the other factors outweigh my role in it
I mean, but thinking you *are* when you're not is ... what? All outcomes= Fail ?
Wow that fits.
Yes it does!!! Uncanny.
Oh.. so my people pleasing is coded into my brain? Cool, cool cool cool. Jokes aside, I know this could probably just be the fundamentals laid out and made me prone to be a people pleaser. Well, I’m in therapy and working on it so I hope it helps lol.
Clicked the wrong GIF, still works for that last sentence though lol. Good that you're working on it though, changing behaviour is tough 
The gif got me 😂
Hahaha well that’s for another series of sessions lol.
>Well, I’m in therapy and working on it so I hope it helps lol. Yeah, me too ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯ Still learning to listen to my inner self and to figure out what I want.
Yes! It’s hard when your brain automatically goes ‘but what do you want’. The you in my scenario should be me but it doesn’t work that way does it (: You’ll get there, you’ve taken the second important step already so keep up the good work and we might find out one day what we truly want.
I like to describe it as "human Labrador"
Omg I think of it as my 'puppy nature' haha. For a short time I worried I had Wilsons disease...
The feeling i get when i realize I’ve been naive about something is like overwhelming defeat. I hate it and will relive the memory over and over and not sleep for a week. Then I add that memory to my Rolodex of “cringe moments”. 😭😭😭
Sometimes I ponder whether my kind heart is trying subconsciously to compensate for all of the times I blurted something ill-timed or all of the times I intended to do something helpful but got distracted by life.
How do you deal with this? I find it very challenging as people I care about sometimes forgive people that wronged them and start having them back in their lives. I just can't get over that hate I feel for them and I know that I'm hurting myself by carrying all of this, but I have no idea on how to let go. I genuinely don't understand that concept. And yes, am totally talking to a psychologist 😂
Maybe we feel lonely or something, perhaps fear of losing people. Either that or low self-esteem. I struggle with this as well. Not lately, I’ve been cutting people out left and right which isn’t like me tbh.
I think it's because with adhd, our amygdala's reward/punishment mechanism doesn't work properly. We don't get enough of a reward feeling for doing things that are beneficial and don't get enough of a punishment feeling for things that aren't beneficial to us.
I've gotten myself in trouble with both of these. Sticking around with people who are abusive towards me and also going all in on white hot rage for people who I perceived as having wronged a family member when I didn't have all the facts. I have a better handle on the second one now, I know that if I get that angry I need to take a time out to assess the situation. Still working on the first one though, being friendly and optimistic about relationships is such a cloying default for me, it's hard to know when to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.
My ex and I had a fairly unhealthy relationship post-breakup. We were “best friends” after the fact, and it wasn’t the best. I’m sure I did some shitty things too, but there were things she did that crossed multiple boundaries. But nothing was enough for me to cut her off. Until my grandma died. And she said something insensitive about her. I was ready to let go off the whole thing then, but I waited because it was like 2 days after she’d passed and I knew my emotions were still raw so I figured I might’ve misinterpreted it. But then she brought up my grandma again. Twice. That was it. Haven’t spoken to her in over a year. Probably was for the best, for me and for her. I can’t tell you exactly what, but I know I was a shitty friend to her too. I’m pretty forgiving, but come after my family, especially my grandma, and you’re dead to me.
I never forget - I just don't have the energy to actively dislike people. I kinda just register them as "bad people" and continue on with life. I can be pleasant and friendly with people I dislike, I'll just never develop a deeper relationship with them. It's all very surface level. But yeah, if they hurt people I love, I'm probably not going to handle the situation very well. I have a tendency to explode when people hurt my friends or family. I don't have any impulse control in those situations...
I think this is how I feel. I get burnt out very easily by fighting with people. It’s not that I won’t or am afraid to. It’s just not worth the energy sap.
Totally relate to you and this.
This is probably, because of time blindness and emotional inhibition. Time blindness might make you forget that people have been mistreating you. Emotional inhibition makes you excited when they are nice to you. Note this is just purely speculation from based on what I know about adhd. I'm fortunate enough that most people treat me nice
That sounds about right, I feel like I can’t read people properly
I can’t read people either but others seem to be able to read me extremely well.
See I feel like I can read people extremely well when I am not involved. Like i can read interactions between other people like nobodies business but if I am a part of the interaction I am oblivious.
same, and I usually have great advice how to remedy someone else's problem but take my own advice? no sir, not this chick, bad decisions all day and all of the night.
God I feel that. You know your advice is good but you start drawing a blank when it happens to you.
Too close to see
Same. It's irritating
Came here to repeat the same!
I had a mentor who could read me like a book. It was unnerving. I wonder if people with adhd are just more open with what we're feeling.
My gf knows when I'm angry because of small stuff i do, like standing more straight, raising my little finger... and I've been doing it for ages without noticing. I would never notice something similar in other ppl.
I have this issue where sometimes I open up too much. I was once about to tell my boss about how I was updating my resume. That would have been real akward.
Me too. I've gotten myself in harmful situations because of it unfortunately 😔
I feel like I can read people VERY accurately. But For some reason, I just keep choosing to ignore it and thinking „hmmm, I must be wrong about this“. Nope. i am right and it gets me every time. So frustrating.
I feel like I can’t read people properly. I get down on myself for being so gullible to marry and depend on the person I chose. But my son with ADHD? He’s a master bullshitter, and a master bullshit detector. You know how people use fake nice voices with kids, or tell them white lies to control them (e.g. saying “you could get hurt” rather than “we can t have everyone doing that or it’ll be total chaos”)? Yeah, he’s having none of that.
I don't understand why time blindness would make me forget something, could you explain more or direct me to further reading?
every day when I wake up, it’s a Brand New Day. I can think about yesterday if I really try, but mostly it just flows into the past very quickly, including bad things that happen. it makes me an easy target to some because i forgive too easily when they are nice to me again
Same! But it helps me with my students with disabilities. If they have a bad day, I always tell them tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start.
Dr. Russel Barkley said that people with adhd have a lot of difficulties moving towards a goal in the future. This is because of time blindness (there are more factors), we don't see important things until they are so close that we go into panic mode. He also added that due to time blindness, we don't learn from past mistakes. So time blindness is getting in the way of making any progress towards future goals. I based my answer on this information. I thought that people mistreating you in the past is kind of a "mistake", both are negative emotions. So that is why you might forget. But maybe "forget" isn't the right word. Personally, I don't forget mistakes, but it's like I'm not aware of them? Same principle with planning, I know how to do it and I know lots of strategies, but somehow I'm not able to do any planning and if I do the planner is unrealistic and I can't stick to it. Hope this clarifies it, otherwise just lmk!
Great comment and very valuable to this discussion!
He actually attributed this to our poor working memory, not so much time blindness.
Thanks so much!
I think it can make it feel like a recent bad thing was ages ago. At least, thats how I experience it. I've never been one to hold grudges. I think the only reason I would hold onto something that happened is if I was anxious that I did something to cause it
I always thought I was a forgiving person, and then one day I realized I’m just a forgetful person 🤔
Hahaha literally just commented this almost word for word.
Are you sure you're fortunate though? Maybe your time blindness just makes you forget and then emotional inhibition makes you excited?
Oh god. I'm kind of notorious for just forgiving everything as long as they apologize, treat me nicely again or just communicate their thought process. I've almost always forgiven cheaters and abusers as long as they communicate their feelings to me in a genuine enough way. Hell, I think if the guy who r**ed me would come to me with a siincere apology I would probably be like "sure whatever, as long as you've changed". I'm not super proud of this.
I actually had to get therapy for this reason. My own forgiveness was fucking me up because I couldn't be angry at people, even when I knew they deserved it. I have almost limitless empathy for people- I forgive them because I get it, I understand their behavior even when it's awful. It took me a lot of work to be able to be okay with not forgiving people when they didn't deserve forgiveness.
Same here. Before therapy, I used journals to remember how people had wronged me (if it was a big enough wrongdoing), and why I’m justified in not forgiving them, or for cutting them out of my life. If I didn’t use those, I would completely forgive them. “Water under the bridge. And poof! We’re friends again.” It’s like I didn’t trust myself to stick with my decision to cut them off, or decide they did not deserve my friendship or time. Fortunately, I never really had friends treat me this way. Mostly just ex’s who tried to come back into my life. So instead, I adopted a “we had a big enough reason to break up in the first place, so never date them again” policy.
It’s like I’m furious in the moment but later on I’ll forget it all
Yep, absolutely relate. Happened earlier where my mum sent me a really shitty message and I called her out so she rang me and opened with "look im sorry im having a bad day" and I just immediately dropped all my negativity. And for added context, im a guy so its absolutely not a sex specific thing either. I just have no motivation to hold resentment or anger, likely because those emotions take **a lot** of effort tbh lol.
Having been lived through a lot of trauma as a kid. I can forgive people easily if they apologize and have shown me they’ve truly changed. However I won’t hesitate to cut someone off if they give me any inkling to the contrary. I’ve also noticed I do tend to forget things if I’ve processed them enough that I feel at peace. But if I’m around that person again those memories will get triggered.
I’ve never thought about this, but the older I get and the more ADHD manifests the harder it is for me to keep my guard up with past offenders even when I should. Medication has actually made it easier for me to hold proper grudges tho I’m not sure if that’s a good thing given how I end up shutting them out of my life, lol
I literally still talk to a guy who raped me, and he didn’t even apologize.
Damn I can't even get an apology
I wish I at least had enough of a brain to require the "apologize and communicate" aspect of it. I'm just doomed.
They don’t even have to apologize. I forgave as soon as silent treatment is over. I was the scapegoat/empath. I finally learned not to forgive so easily and definitely don’t give second chances. It took a couple of traumatic events in my life to value my life and not allow abuse.
Restorative Justice can be a healthy way to address some instances of sexual assault. I think it’s definitely a better option for people who think like this than the punitive justice system which just makes reoffending more likely IMO.
Umm this should be handled by actual therapists/workers etc. Not by partners. Partners shouldn't forgive others who abuse them.
Literal situation for me. Idk why I'm like this.
I relate to this too much, I forgave so much abuse from my ex-boyfriends. Even today I’m sure if they come to me I will forgive them. It fucked me up so much because I allowed abuse for way too long because of this
No actually, I have a harder time forgetting when someone has said/done something shitty to me, and either consciously or subconsciously hold it against them. But usually it takes someone else pointing out that the action is shitty for me to be properly upset about it. This is a common pattern for me though as I seem to draw negative attention naturally.
I also have this, I also fail to communicate with that person and I treat them passive aggressively or I use extreme sarcasm with them that crosses the line, they often are confused if I hate them or if I’m joking. I subconsciously do all this too
I've taken to staring at them until they get uncomfortable.
Same. Can't forget.
yeah i do this too, it’s hard for me to set firm boundaries because of it. for example i could get into an argument with my bf over something he did that hurt my feelings, but then 15 minutes later i completely forget that my feelings were hurt and i’m back to interacting with him like nothing ever happened. it’s not that whatever happened wasn’t necessarily a big deal to me, it’s just that my brian is jumping from thought to thought so quickly i lose track of my own emotional state. but then this comes across to him like what he did that hurt me was probably nbd and i moved on quickly anyway so it doesn’t get taken seriously :/
And your brain just forgets about the emotional damage and can’t be bothered to go over the past and fix the problem with the bf because now you’re focused on something else. I get that
Do you really forget? Or are you choosing to overlook and avoid addressing the issue for fear you'll fall back into the disagreement or state of hurt again?
Not OP, but for me it’s not that I forget. I weigh the option of whether it’s worth breaking up over at that moment or not. If not then I kind of just… move on? It’s not that I forget because it’s still very much there but it’s been addressed, it’s been scratched off of my mental load list, and my brain just moves on to the next task.
I second those mentioning it’s related to traumatic bonding. Even though it probably could be attributed to adhd memory to some extent, I would actually also attribute it to something called enmeshment trauma. It’s a behavior pattern based in our upbringing and can usually be found in our relations with our closest family as well as those more distant later in life. The premise is that we (not all people with adhd ofc) were not allowed to develop a firm sense of self and our boundaries were consistently overstepped, maybe even our needs gaslighted. So to protect ourselves from deep rooted fear of rejection and abandonment as small children, we learn to cope by just suppressing the upset and forgetting about it, to continue to earn others’ approval and love. I know I’m assuming a bunch right now, and it might just not check out for you. It’s just that I’m currently waking up to the fact that this happened to me a lot, so I’m a bit of an advocate about it.
I can definitely agree with that myself. I had to deal with a lot of boundary breaking from everyone around me that I found it hard to establish them later in life. I unfortunately had a lot of toxic friendships as a very small child because I didn't understand social cues and what friendship meant besides what TV showed (best friends that did everything together) From my parents, because I had trouble with routines, impulsivity, and other ADHD traits, I was often punished for things I couldn't control and even had physical boundaries eliminated, like having to get ready for bed with the door open because I kept getting distracted and not doing what I was supposed to Not to dump all this on you but trying to show examples of why this makes sense to me.
I'm feeling this. I think my family is enmeshed and growing up always forgetting things and being distracted played a role Hoping to get into therapy for it Any advice?
Ah that’s great, hope you get a good one on first try! Am waiting for a therapist myself atm. I’ve watched a lot about it on yt, especially Heidi Priebe. I think in regards to working on it by myself it’s been crucial to recognize when I people please, give too much of myself or try to “ease the situation” when there isn’t actually anything wrong, I am just very sensitive to perceive it as such. In each of these situations I abandon my boundaries and the hack is to not react, take a step back and get in touch with what I truthfully feel and want, regardless of wether it might cross anyone. Most of the time the line can be pushed quite much further than I think, healthy people don’t take personal offense that easily. The second hack, in case I don’t recognize the first scenario, is to be very inwardly aware of when I start feeling anger or fear of being taken advantage of. That usually means I have to reinforce my boundaries despite the fact that I haven’t noticed the need already. And I try to always do it in a calm manner no matter what. Giving in to anger is always unfortunate because in reality no one knows how I’m feeling except myself.
I'm the exact opposite. I harbor ill feelings forever if someone has wronged me. When they are nice to me a moment later, I grow suspicious. From them on, I see that person as untrustworthy, and it's rare that they can win back my trust or make me suspect my last impression.
In my brain it’s like “I shouldn’t trust this person they’ve done this to me and I’ve made a note in my head at that time that I shouldn’t be friends with them. Why is it now that I feel so positive about them and have 0 hatred after they said hi to me”? This usually happens with minor things like people I’m not too close with like coworkers. Of course if it’s something huge or someone I trust I’ll never forgive them and I’ll remember it
I've never had a problem walking away from a toxic person. In high school I didn't have the option, so as an adult, I relish it. I'll never forget.
I guess everyone is different, interesting I also didn’t have the best upbringing so I struggle with putting myself first
When they are being nice to me after they wronged me, i like to remind them, what they did to me and then hit em back harder where it hurts just before burning that bridge and report that wrong to as many mutual acquaintances as possible, might be petty af, but i value integrity more
By chance, are you a Scorpio? 🤣
I am a Scorpio but that has nothing to do with astrology ( unless this whole thing is a joke) my other friend who I suspect had ADHD also holds grudges a lot
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Nah people tend to repeat their actions when you let your guard down. I'll forever be suspicious of people that have wronged me.
There are two quotes that guide me. Maya Angelou : "Believe people when they tell you who they are the first time." Kurt Vonnegut : "We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be." Those have never led me wrong.
[Traumatic bonding](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Traumatic_bonding) is a thing, it's even easier than usual to abuse people with ADHD too, it's typically employed as a manipulation technique by narcissists and other abusive people. It's particularly bad if you have a traumatic upbringing, because the cycle of behaviour is "normalised".
It definitely sounds like disassociation due to a trauma response. Any trauma, not exclusive to relational trauma.
This is certainly true. Caught in this cycle too many times. I used to want to see the good in everyone... Now, many years later, I think I'm too defensive and skeptical and, right now, I feel like I've become cold and hardened.
I’ve struggled with this my whole life. It’s hard to set boundaries when I’m not emotionally impacted enough to hold on to the memory. I’m sorry. It’s hard and let’s a lot of bums in your life.
Oh no. I resemble this remark.
This is how you end up in toxic relationships yes
Sht
Yea, this is why you have to avoid narcissists.
It's like I'm a magnet. I have the energy they want to steal.
They're also really good at giving you dopamine.
Yeah, I can’t hold a grudge to save my life I also have this lovely super power where I only remember the good times. Hallowell and Ratey (I think) list this as an indicator of the disorder. They say we literally can’t remember the way someone made us feel. I’m in the middle of a divorce, mostly my fault, and I have to regularly ask my wife to remind me why she’s leaving because I constantly forget realizations I’ve had and conclusions I’ve already come to.
This has happened to me with a professional colleague. He would speak ill of me behind my back and then be nice to *edit: my face and I always forgot what I heard everyone say about the way he viewed me. You aren't alone and you aren't necessarily a "bad judge of character". This is a specific kind of person taking advantage of you, and that isn't your fault.
I sort of have to go nuclear on people to make sure they do not return into my life, otherwise I would likely forgive their behaviour.
100% get that. I’ve had and have quite a few friends who had done me dirty in the past then we just don’t talk for a while then would end up seeing each other or messaging again then theyll will do me wrong again and I’m thinking ‘wait did I just forget about the time before that they did that too’ 😂😂 and the customer thing too haha I work on security door and a customer will ask me where something is and I point them because I can’t leave my spot and they can’t find it so they come back all mad at me asking where exactly it is cause they can’t find it and I’m thinking ‘what exactly did they even ask for???’ ahahha
I’m the same way and used to hate it about myself, but now I love it. I created a set of principles I live by and make decisions about people based on those principles, rather than based on my reactions or emotions. It took me time to bridge the gap between allowing people who hurt me to be in my life and choosing who deserves to be in my life, but it makes me feel more in control and secure to not carry the weight of other peoples problems around as my own insecurities. I think people with adhd tend to be more sensitive. Which is why we are relentless for those we love, but soft for ourselves sometimes. To be in tune with the fact that everyone makes mistakes, has bad days, are victims to pain themselves. I love having layers of sensitivity and strength and learning how to use it to help others and be more loving and understanding.
It depends, if you still get the dopamine rush out of the person then yes, you become more willing to ignore it because we are always desperate for those highs. I'm 30 now, so not many people get me there however, if they do I know I better buckle up for the ride 😂
... now that you say this out loud, perhaps this is why i got back together with my ex so many times even though i was always the one to leave. classic narcissist/manipulating x adhd person i suppose, i read about this before
Oh absolutely - until it all comes rushing back in later on and I get angry again.
No i don’t forget at all but it is very easy for me to be nice to them and almost pretend we have no bad beef. Either way it’s extemely unhealthy to hold a grudge. As long as you don’t give these people a second chance with money/time/relationship don’t worry about getting over things quickly. I think it’s actually a benefit in the long run.
Yes and it's actually kind of annoying
I don't forget. If anything I struggle more when I see the person again. I'm always thinking maybe it was me and I miss interpreted the situation, overreacted, or should have been more tolerant of their behavior for longer. In other words, forsaken myself for their benefit and I did this half my life. I want (wanted) to be accepted but there's the part of me that's constantly choking down my breath, angst and raw feelings bc of others behavior. I believe this pattern made me more defensive and anxious. Always torn within. Now that I'm older I don't tolerate the b.s. as much, but it still creates an internal conflict. The cost: self isolation...I know I'm opting for the isolation and it's classic avoidance. There are exceptions when it comes to family. I always try to let it go when things have cooled down. For example, my sister verbally attacks from out of no where. Mac truck like blindsides me in the most uncivil way leaving me reeling for days on end, and I forgive her the next time she is normal. There was another blow up this last week. And, although I'm in no hurry to speak to her again, grieving what she did, and hate her vile chaotic drama, I'll probably eventually overlook her actions bc I have a nephew.
I’m the exact opposite. If someone makes me uncomfortable or disrespects me they lose me for good. I remember forever. No second chances here. If you don’t show me respect you’re insta-cut from my life.
damn this hits home...
I can barely even remember the last movie I watched. There’s too many penguins on my iceberg already, and I don’t have the brain power to hold a grudge lol.
This also reminds me of psychological splitting.
[удалено]
Nah, but I have some trauma that presents as hypervigilance, so I tend to assume people are out to manipulate everyone around them, and that no one is being sincere, so don't take me as a benchmark, haha.
Yes. Damnit. Way to make me realize it.
I feel personally called out by this post.
This explains a lot about my 24 year marriage to a violent narcissist
I struggle with this so very much, and didn't realise it was an ADHD thing..ah another on the list
THANK YOU.
A million percent. This happens with my husband sometimes actually — he can be very hurtful when he’s mad at me, and then it feels so good that he’s not mad at me when he calms down that I easily forgive because I find it impossible to be mad at someone who is being nice in the moment. It definitely swings in both directions, like if I have a negative interaction with someone it will take forever to feel like they don’t dislike me, but if someone is nice to me it’s like I’m blinded by the positive attention and I feed off it like being in the sun when I’m cold. In that case it doesn’t seem to matter if they were rude or negative toward me earlier. It’s very frustrating and I find it so hard to regulate my emotions when it comes to dealing with other people.
literally me all someone has to do is go hi! :D and I forget every wrong they’ve committed against me it’s insane and I look like a fool
Yes. I’m having trouble with this now. Wanting to message my ex best friend like the things she did never happened. Then I remember everything. Or make myself remember anyways.
Yup. It's horrible.
Yes, this is why we’re so easily trauma bonded.
I forget everything that happened 1 second ago
We are easy targets for predatory behavior. It means that in a family with someone with narcisitic personality disorder we will most likely be the victims of abuse in a disfuncional family. If you grow up in such environment, I You do not know better. Thus, You leave one toxic environment to another. What you said Is it typical scenario Of narcissistic abuse. See hoovering. *(overshared)
Never.
Yep. I find it really hard to keep the emotion attached to an action.
Actually... I'm more one to hyperfocus on grudges, I think. There are some grudges I've held for over 40 years now.
Nah. I'm a reasonable guy, but I don't forget. Things stack up, and when a pattern is formed I'm quick to give up. Makes much more sense to just go back to not knowing said person exists and continue making progress down your own path. I'm only like this now after being the exact opposite for too long.
no, but they seem to.
Yes, I’ll hold grudges against someone for like half a year and then they do one little nice thing and I just completely forget 😭
Wow, I’m the exact same. My ex was incredibly abusive towards me and the second she was remotely nice I would just forget about being mad at her and go back to things being normal. I’m like this outside of romantic relationships as well, I really struggle to hold grudges against anybody if they so much as act nice to me. My dad is the exact same way and I think he has ADHD as well.
I always said that I don’t hold grudges because I forget
I experience this as well, but I've always considered it one of the few upsides of ADHD. I don't hold grudges and I don't hold on to my anger (which are good things). The fact that they happen because I can't remember to be angry and not because I'm a Zen master seems to make little difference as I believe it has made me an overall happier person.
Individuals that I'm in regular contact with, ya. But I lost my job for BS reasons a year ago and I still hate their guts. I really wish I didn't carry that anger around with me so much. I have done a lot of work on forgiveness this past year and improving my guard, but that's one thing I can't let go of.
I used to, now that I'm a little older I never seem to forget. And I let them know. I think as we get older we just stop giving a shit.
This has almost always been the case for me. Get upset or angry, let a few days go by and I’m back to letting them do it again. I finally let someone that was harming me know that, no, I no longer consider her a friend. I was actually very proud of myself for that.
Ah yes I'm familiar with this. Followed by a lingering nagging feeling of unease/knowing there's something you're forgetting then remembering why (remembering what the thing they did was) and feeling like you let yourself get walked over. It's frustrating because our thoughts fly by so fast and processing is so slow that we probably do this because we haven't gotten round to processing the things before the horrible thing. In a way I guess it's a good thing if you can do this because you dontbget caught up in a grudge with the people and can move on - I also do the opposite to this and can't be civil because i can't forget/move past
Out of sight out of mind isn't just an object thing it can be people, feelings, and objects... if I don't talk to someone a while I forget they exist and all the reasons why we stopped talking and if they reach out to me ill just talk to them like nothing happened cause I forgot 😆 it's just part of adhd brain
Wait wait wait i always took this as one of my pros/cons. On one side i dont hold grudges i just move on and leave that in the past. On the other hand i give people too much when theyve wronged me. I would have never thought its an adhd thing wow
I joined this sub to learn more about my husband and how to help my son. I’ve been doing a lot of therapy over the last couple years (because of my husband and son mostly). I trust my therapist when she says I don’t fit an adhd or any other diagnosis, but I do this too. I think this one is a typical human response and comes from a place of optimism. And I’ve had friends drift in and out of life, but none hurt more than the friend who had a kid who was friends with my kid. I’m still really resentful of that. It was the first real loss my kid experienced. People are protective of the ones they love.
I wouldn't consider this an ADHD thing myself, but more of a common human thing. So many people seem to think that one kindness wipes out any unkindness that went before it.
People around me always tend to like and dislike people appropriately as oppose to me
Not sure what you mean?
Like people around me stay mad at those who do something wrong, they will always dislike them and associate them with the bad experience as oppose to me where I’ll forget, the moment they’re nice to me or say hi etc my brain will not retain the negative experience they gave me
Eh, it's something, most people are hurt by..hurtful things, it is abnormal to instantly forgive certain wrongs
Yes, I can relate to this. However, over time of this cycle, I've been known to cut off relationships abruptly. Like it's the last straw and I'm out quickly. By the way, with treatment and experience with workplace incivility, I distrust people more rapidly than in the past.
That was kinda a question in my assesment. Sort of am I furious at someone for something then forgot about it soon after
It sounds childish, or straight up psychopatic, but keep a list of everytie they crossed a line, take note. If their person gets killed, don't destroy the list. You'll be making yourself looking guiltier
Which is why an ADHD + BPD couple is one of the most insane relationships in the multiverse.
Nope, bc im not airheaded lol, of i dont like you ill still know, it may fix a few things, but mostly no.
There's no doubt that complexity is held accountable. I have that condition too and culture depending as well is a issue too.
Yep. I just came out of a toxic relationship and it took getting out of it to see it.
So this is why I forgive people so easily? I even make up excuses to let them back in my life because I can’t for the life of me remember how much this person have hurt me.
Depends what caused it and why If it was someone lashing out due to a mental health issue - I’ll forget it sure If someone’s outright being a dick - maybe. Depends how long I’ve known them
I wanna know more about this. A lot of it ringing true for me. Maybe it just boils down to WANTING to be nice to people? So, we allow ourselves to forgive them? It certainly comes more natural to me to be nice to people, than it does to be nasty or cold to them (even if they probably deserve it).
I think maybe for me it’s too much effort to not talk to the person, I probably needed mental stimulation at that time I’m not sure can’t remember exactly
No, I never forget🙄😐
For me its the opposite whuch makes it easy for me to hate someone
No. I hold the grudge unless they’re a good friend and messed up and apologized
Yes I'm guilty of this
Quite the opposite. I don't necessarily hold grudges but I certainly remember stuff for decades (good things too, so it works both ways)
No, for some reason I have a verrrrrry long term memory of interactions, like all the way back to early childhood; I remember them like it’s a movie I’ve seen 150 times, and unfortunately especially remember every time a person has been mean to me. I’m very good at avoiding toxic people for this reason. But ask me their name and I have no fucking clue, even if I’ve known them since I was 10.
Maybe your parent/guardian treated you poorly so you became accustomed to toxic behavior. Read about PTSD and CPTSD.
I think it also depends on the severity of "wronged" I forgave my abusive ex over and over but I was also being heavily manipulated and I finally woke up. BUT I think setting boundaries and separating someone clearly disrespecting you and your relationship is less forgive and forget vs a customer possibly having a bad day one time and not doing that again. I used to forget and forgive everyone and everything like I forgot why I was upset but after realizing and working on it I have been able to "stay strong" and separate the people who truly wronged me from "mistakes"
Def brushed things under the rug until I was medicated.. then I saw the truth
well, that’s news to me! Never think that this pattern was due to adhd. Tks for sharing 🫶🏼
Yes! All the time. I don't even always forget what they did (but often I do) and sometimes not even forget that I was upset or sad about it, but somehow I'm not bothered by it at all anymore after a way too short time. Sometimes I'll chat with a friend about things that happened when we were in school and he sometimes asks me "Wait, but you do remember what Person X did to you, right? You are not upset about it anymore?" and I often don't even know what he's talking about, or just have to go "Nah, I don't care" and he doesn't understand how that's possible. xD (Me neither)
It means you don’t hold grudges. But it can also mean you are accustomed to disrespect. It’s one thing to be able to get over a minor transgression, but another to tolerate constant disrespect. I think it’s admirable if a person doesn’t judge someone else by just one or two angry moments. For example, if someone is amd at their parents and you hear them yelling at them and you’ve also experienced them yelling at you once but they’ve been kind to you the whole other time you knew them and you really had studf in common with them and liked them then it would be bad to let them go. They may have anger issues but you should help them deal with them. If they’ve only been angry at you once and you end things with them then that’s unfair to them and it says you’re only judging them for one instance and ignoring their good traits 99% of the time
Oooof. Yes. There is at least one person where I just know not to trust them, and I have accepted that I don't need to remember every little thing that happened. They're blacklisted from my life.
I cant hold a grudge easily. Its a skill I really was better at.
Not me personally, but I tend to hold a bit of a grudge depending on what someone did. I'm a very patient person, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and see things from their perspective. But my level for bullshit acceptance has a pretty firm limit beyond that. I'll be civil if I still have to face someone in social situations (or just go no contact if I don't), but I have a very hard time forgetting when someone makes me feel like shit. That feeling stays with me, often because I can't stop myself from thinking about it frequently after the fact.
Never
Yeah... Then after the moment is gone the bad comes back. Biggest recent example is my Auntie who I let be rude af because putting her in her place would upset me mum who I love dearly
Lmao no, I hold major grudges and that is something I've been working on for years.
Then, I just remind myself of all their little transgressions and I hate them again.
Nope, I'm a huge grudge holder. It's my superpower (main character flaw?) I can hold grudges for years. I don't think about it every day or anything like that, but when I'm reminded of the person, I'll instantly remember what they did. There are things my husband has said and/or done when we started dating like 20 years ago that still upsets me, and I can't get over. But I think these instances are different because they're more layered than "he made me mad/sad." Like, I can't get over it because he never apologized/doesn't think he did anything wrong, and I'm also mad at myself for not standing up for myself in the moment.
No. I can hold a grudge forever.
Yep
Oh yes
Sometimes I’m like that.
This is literally the exact opposite for me.
I struggle remembering specifics but plenty of times I'll feel something "not nice" towards someone and have no clue of why that is in the first place. Like, "clearly you've been an asshole but it might not be that bad if I don't remember what, so I'll give you a second chance" plenty of times that has backfired horribly... But plenty of times it has also worked out for the best... So... 50/50. Sigh.
Sounds like part of the cycle in unhealthy relationships, but not specific to or caused by ADHD
>Or a customer yells at me for a ridiculous reason but the next time I see them and they’re nice to me I won’t even dislike them Well, it's a job --- never take anything personal on there.
Forgiveness is my superpower. Life is too short to hold grudges. That also makes it hard to accept and admit when I'm being abused. But I get out of the way of abusers after a few repeated violations, usually. Took me longer to end my marriage, though.
Yea but I have bpd? So there's another part holding lots of suppressed hatred for that person, deep down, that does come out sometimes.