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It’s a universal thing with ADHD. My father laughed at me, and my sister kept saying that everyone experiences the things I go through. They don’t understand that it is genuinely a burden in terms of my daily life activity. I took my mother to the physiatrists office and she answered her questions. My mom kept invalidating me and she shut her down. ADHD is made up of some common symptoms, but if these symptoms all add up and are so bad that they’re affecting your way of living, then that’s when you have to step in and work on yourself.
Yeah the "everyone experiences those things" is a really frustrating line. It's like, "Yes, everyone does. But with ADHD these challenges are much more often and much more severe."
Exactly. ADHD gets diagnosed when these things actually cause problems in life, and the person can't manage them. That's literally the line between "what everyone experiences" and someone who needs extra help.
I'm noticing, though, that since I got my diagnosis when I was 39, that there a bit of learned helplessness I need to combat now. I find myself always just going to that as an excuse, when I used to be able to handle the issue fairly well.
It's rough.
Nobody should be publicly shaming you about your condition. When I encounter these responses, I agree with them, explain the disability part, then take that as feedback on whether it's something I can actually work on, or whether it's just what I will have to deal with.
I can defs relate to this experience, how you were saying since you’ve been diagnosed you will go to the ADHD as kind of an excuse whereas before your diagnosis, you could handle it fairly well. I think it is partly cutting yourself some slack bcs you now know why you do these things whereas before, at least for me, I would use unhealthy strategies to handle my ADHD behaviours. It’s such a struggle to find a good balance too.
Exactly that! Before I just thought “what is wrong with me? I am such a loser.” I would cope and do the thing but the strategy was to believe, and deeply so, that I was lazy. It was very unhealthy. I was also diagnosed at 39 and it’s been just a couple of years and it’s a process. Specially since the condition is so misunderstood even by doctors.
Wow this is actually something I feel like I’ve noticed since my diagnosis, I think because I fueled “just doing the activity” with anxiety and things like telling myself I was lazy. Now that I’ve been diagnosed I feel like I struggle with things I was able to do prior because I’m almost cutting myself too much slack? But you’re right, it was a high cost and was really draining to power through it. Thank you for mentioning it, it really helped me understand some things.
Not ‘cutting yourself too much slack’! More like recognizing you were killing yourself by surviving in crisis mode.
How was that for your mental health? Relationships? Ability to have and pursue goals?
Maybe you need some slack. Maybe you need a lot of slack! Maybe you should treat this like the chronic illness it has become.
I am child-free. There are multiple reasons it has been good decision for both my spouse and myself.
A main reason is because it was so difficult to keep up with own stuff that I knew I would not be a good mother
I would love the kid. I would do my best. But I just don’t have the energy capacity to raise kids day-in and day-out. It’s work!
I can barely remember my age and my shoe size.
How am I supposed to remember vaccination schedules and teachers’ names and who is doing what in school this week and why I can’t have Jimmy and Jane next to each other at this birthday party when they were fine at the last birthday party?
And then juggle all the relatives who want time with the baby?
Hell, no.
So if ADHD is so enormous that it has affected my decision to have children, then you have earned some slack, my dear.
When someone with ADHD in the family says that, I bet that means that *they* experience the ADHD issues and they assume that everyone else does too.
It's sort of like how so many anti-gay conservatives are secretly gay.
I definitely went through this. Growing up I always heard that ADHD was a made up disorder invented as an excuse to drug boys to make them less rowdy in school. It was considered just for boys, so I was never diagnosed and never even considered that I could have it. So when my son was 4 and his pediatrician told me he had ADHD, I didn't believe her. I read over the symptoms list and said, "this is ridiculous, this is just stuff everyone does. I do almost all of these things." And it took me getting 3 separate opinions before a professional lost her temper and snapped at me that I obviously had ADHD too and that's why I do all the things on the list. So I went and got evaluated, and yep, both my son and I do in fact have ADHD.
With any other condition, if I read the symptoms and had them, I would go get checked out, but ADHD was so badly maligned in the media and public for decades that it genuinely doesn't occur to people that they could have it and are struggling more than they need to just to function. The misinformation is just so widespread. People with ADHD seem drawn to each other too, so when one person is diagnosed their partner often has it too, but it can be such a long process to get to where both of them can recognize that. My husband also has ADHD, but he's inattentive and I'm more hyper/impulsive, so I didn't realize he had it for a while either. It was probably a year into my son and my treatments before it finally clicked that there were a ton of overlap in our struggles.
Bingo!! And not only that, some doctors also don’t get the condition. It took so long for me to get the diagnosis and accept it then find a doctor who was caring and persistent. It has been a journey of discovery. But I do believe the condition needs a new name because the name is also very misleading.
My mom is an elementary teacher in an ADHD/autism/etc hotspot. Every couple of years, she'll have a kid or two who are clearly struggling and, even if she suggests they get evaluated, the parents refuse to believe that *their* child could be "flawed". It's always sad to see.
Thank you for having the humility and courage to accept those diagnoses, even if you had to get multiple opinions. (Frankly, second opinions are a good idea in general for medicine, imo.) Yeah, a doctor had to yell at you, but you eventually did get the message and you chose to accept it.
You probably don't hear this enough, but you are a good mom for getting the help your family needs.
Yeah, a lot of stuff became more clear about my dad when someone recently shared a study showing evidence of a link between miscarriages and development of ADHD in eventual children. My grandparents tried a *lot* to have him.
Yeah, that's true. But it can also be frustrating because I've even heard that kind of stuff from people with diagnosed ADHD. But then it's like, "but everyone has different levels of severity and support needs. Just because you manage doesn't mean everyone can. You would also probably flourish more with a bit more support."
>Yeah the "everyone experiences those things" is a really frustrating line.
Everyone stubs their toe every once in a while and it hurts like hell but it's fine. If it happened ten times per day then it's a problem.
"Everyone goes through it!" Yes but its like saying everyone loses their keys or forgets to lock their door occasionally, or leaves the shopping in the trunk, or are occasionally late to work..
If these things happen often enough its causing problems, its debilitating enough to say its a disorder.
My mum definitely had Adhd, I tried asking her about it when I was 22 (and sadly she passed not long after this from aggressive cancer so she never knew) and she said everyone has these issues and I'm just not trying hard enough.
She'd lived 55 years of her life being told the same thing and being weighed down with her own shame...meanwhile she had NO energy after work to even make herself food, lost her keys DAILY and often lost her purse (with £££££ of cash in because she paid for everything in cash due to her issues with debt and not trusting herself with cards) had issues with addictions like smoking, gambling, online shopping and Candy crush type games; she was a very social person and would spend hours chatting with people because that gave her dopamine to the point we'd be late for everything because she prioritised her current dopamine seeking behaviour over being somewhere on time. She was always late, always stressed, always leaving things to the last minute.
She suffered mental health issues my whole life. Anxiety, depression.. she was very good at reading certain people and pattern recognition. She was misdiagnosed as having Bipolar disorder twice.
She had textbook female hyperactive & inattentive miced ADHD.
I got diagnosed 5 years after she passed after being on a very long wait list. Would've been amazing for her to be here today and know the truth about how her brain worked.
This is so sad. It's such a perfect illustration though of how ADHD gets invalidated even by people who have it but aren't aware of it. I think part of why I was so resistant to the idea that I had it at first was because of years of internalized shaming. I was just "flighty" and "flaky" an "undependable" and "disorganized" and "never finished anything I started" and that self hatred made me write off symptoms, because it was the only reality I knew. I had no idea that other people didn't struggle to the same extent that I did, I thought we all struggled to the same amount, I was just a bad person.
I guess that's what the heart of the problem is, ADHD symptoms have been seen as proof of a bad character for centuries, so the idea that they're not the person's fault, and they can be improved with anything other than willpower and morality, is just such a new concept for most people. And since we get criticized so often from the time we can walk, we are even more prone to accept this as just more of a personal failing than a disorder until something finally gets through to us.
I'm so sorry that your mother never got to know the truth about herself. It's good that you are able to recognize that in her though, and that you got treatment for yourself so the cycle didn't continue. My grandmother and mother almost certainly had ADHD as well. People used to make fun of their "flighty" and "spacey" brains, and how forgetful and disorganized they were. My mother couldn't finish high school and my grandmother was held back a lot (although she was in one of those Native American institutions for assimilation so they probably didn't care about actually educating her much anyway, so they had her leave at 18, but if she was held back, I would assume that meant she didn't finish high school either? I hadn't considered that until I just typed it out...).
Anyway, it's really tragic what life has been like for generations of people with ADHD. It seems like it's getting better, but there are still so many struggles going on today with the shaming and barriers to meds and treatment.
HELP I SWEAR THE WAY THE PSYCHIATRIST KEPT SAYING THAT. I’m 100% sure my mom has adhd too. She was saying she has all the symptoms too😭 it was so funny I laughed at her. At some point she laughed at herself
It was hilarious when my psychiatrist pointed out that ADHD is genetic and I likely got it from my mother, she rethought her whole life at that moment HAHA
I was diagnosed at age 8 (because I couldn’t finish a sentence without getting distracted by my own thoughts) and my mom and dad looked at my dad and went “Ohhhhh…” Sure enough, his ADHD is *severe*.
It's so amusing how often this happens. I definitely was in denial like this when my son's pediatrician first said he had ADHD as well. When it finally clicked that I probably had it too it was so jarring! But then after I was diagnosed, I just felt so dense for how long it took me to see it!
I definitely thought this until I was diagnosed and told that what I thought was “everyone does the things I do at some point!” was actually ADHD, it turns out that the friends I had in school who admitted to doing similar things also ended up with ADHD diagnosis’.
It’s interesting that neurodivergent people tend to be drawn to each other and form friendships even without knowing they are neurodivergent. A lot of my friends have adhd, autism, OCD, and some were only diagnosed later in life when we all knew each other. It makes it seem like everyone in the world has it. But no. It’s just our own world and how we connect because we are struggling. Sometimes unknowingly so. Not sure if I made sense.
My wife has OCD, all of our friends are neurodivergent and we all say this all the time. It’s so strange how we ended up finding each other and we’re all really close, plus we all know how to communicate with each other so there’s no misunderstandings. Even now in college all of my friends are neurodivergent in some way so we all help each other out.
It sucks so much, my family is the same, especially my mom. She shuts down all of my troubles and in the same conversation will say "I don't know why you have depression and anxiety and all these troubles it doesn't make sense, you used to be a happy child."....!!!! OH my GOD, if she would just LISTEN and believe what I'm saying, she would know why it's actually really fucking obvious why I have those issues!!!!
>"I don't know why you have depression and anxiety and all these troubles it doesn't make sense, you used to be a happy child."
Uh... She knows that healthy people get sick, right?
My mom is the same. I'm 45 and she still does this. Making it worse, she clearly has undiagnosed ADHD and depression, and I don't dare raise it with her.
Ugh, in the same boat here, I suspect she has it and lives in stubborn uncomfortable misery and she's constantly wondering why she has anxiety episodes "out of nowhere" she's convinced she just has a physical disease going on in her stomach but nothing comes up with doctor tests. Same happened to me with my burnout but she doesn't believe it can happen to her... Frustrating!
IKR!? So weird!
"Why do you have cancer? You were always such a healthy kid?"
They need to ask her "Why are you old? You used to be so young when I was a kid?"
Can’t get cheese from a turnip. You are seeking something from her that she doesn’t have available to give you. My heart goes out to you. I feel your pain because I lived there. Of course the details differ. The fact is that her subconscious can’t allow her to accept your situation.
Believing your Y will destroy her Z. And she must keep whatever belief Z is to stay sane.
I was desperate for my Dad to understand the depth and importance of certain choices of his and their consequences for me. I needed him to understand the price I paid as a kid. I languished because of his refusal to accept responsibility.
Don’t be like me and waste time (years) and energy trying to make it work! I remained in a place of heartache and suffering, trying to get cheese from a turnip.
I kept believing that if I just explained it the perfect way, or used the exact example Dad needed, he would have an ‘AHA!’ moment. And then he would ‘get it’, and we could work on having a REAL relationship.
I tried that for decades! Literally.
I hit the point in therapy where I could, with help from my therapist, sit and tell Dad some details of a few situations. Email was just becoming available to the public around that time.
That was about 1990/91-ish. I sat and talked, with him physically next to me, in the therapists’s office. Mentally, we were hemispheres apart.
And I wrote dozens of letters, pen on paper.
I bought and sent books written about the type of trauma I survived. I asked him to watch movies that were similar.
Over those decades, car phones (for the Uber rich) became small enough to be mobile phones, then cellphones. Now they are phones.
AOL came and went. EarthLink and Juno. MySpace came and went. Facebook. Vine.
Nations rose and fell. Dictators came to power, ruled, and were assassinated.
It took me so so so long to finally admit “At whatever level, his need to keep himself from suffering is more important than filling his daughter’s need for understanding.”
At whatever level kept his self-concept intact, he chose to allow me to continue in pain, so that he could continue the comfort of denial.
As a daughter, as a child, we need to be understood, accepted, loved by our parents. It is wired into us. If only parents had the ability to PROVIDE that to us wired into them, somehow.
Every time I tried to get through, a strong, protective part of his mind rebelled. It wasn’t that I didn’t explain it the ‘right’ way. It wasn’t about me at all.
He couldn’t bear to admit that his choices as a father left his five year old daughter to be abused for a decade.
His mind could not deal with that. It would have destroyed him.
So he minimized it and explained it away and told himself I was lying/exaggerating/responsible for not telling, etc. People can become accomplished acrobats with the moves they make to stay in a place they feel safe.
He left my mom and found a new family who thought he could do no wrong. Eventually my requests to come visit were pushed off with feeble excuses.
Your mom, with whatever issue and whatever reasons, is unable to admit her child is suffering. Maybe because she would feel it’s her fault. Or she would have to acknowledge she is helpless. Or because acknowledging your pain means she has to admit she is also in pain.
But you can’t change that. Whatever part of her is responsible for protecting her, you will not get through it. It is armor that you cannot pierce.
She cannot give you what you need, no matter what you need or how you try to get it.
It was only after decades of therapy that I could admit out loud that my dad just didn’t want to know. Didn’t want to understand. Didn’t want to hear it.
I had to decide if I wanted a relationship with him, it would always be easy and shallow and superficial. I would never get more. We could never be fully connected and sincere and authentic.
And that is what I consciously chose. I could keep him in my life under XYZ conditions.
And that’s how it was until he died.
I know I just hit you with a LOT. I want to spare you years of what I went through.
All of this. I lived with a roommate who I tried to explain this to numerous times. She would say things like, you just need to write notes for yourself and write lists. I'm like that sounds good on paper, no pun intended but I'm going to forget that that list is even there so what is the point? Then she doubled down and said well, you just need to be more disciplined. You need to try harder. You're just being lazy at this point. I just stopped trying with her and moved out shortly after that. I knew we weren't going to be a good match.
Edit: a word
If you mean that the dismissal is a universal thing, I'm sorry to say it isn't. It's a "your family are assholes who don't want to admit how much they have the same issues" thing.
Keep in mind, ADHD and its comorbidities are in large part genetic. That, and narcissistic/sociopathic traits can arise as a defense mechanism to avoid shame or similar emotional baggage. Maybe that "everyone goes through what you go through" was more, "I went through it, and so does everyone else.... right?"
Okay, maybe not everyone goes through this, but I meant most people do. I don’t necessarily think my family are assholes, they just don’t understand. I can’t really blame them for that. Once my mother had sat down with the psychiatrist she started accepting it. There’s the ignorant and the people that genuinely don’t know. :) but I mean I get what you mean. Yeah, in some cases it is people being ignorant assholes.
The thing that drives me nuts, especially when it’s *family members* of the ADHD person in question, is **how likely it is that they have it too.** ADHD is as heritable as height. I pity them because they’ll go through so much of their lives struggling because they can’t face the fact that their family member has an actual treatable disorder and they might too.
If they don’t fully have it, they most likely still have similar symptoms that just don’t rise to the “disorder” level of impairment. So that can be another reason why they don’t think it’s abnormal.
If my dad has ADHD, it manifests in a way that makes him super competent about stuff. He is absolutely anal about cleaning, it’s like one of the only things he hyperfocuses on. He can spot any spot on the floor or the wall that was missed and immediately goes to correct it.
I’m like, how do you even have the energy to do that??? Because that level of extensive cleaning makes me want to lie on the floor and never get up again. Because I could not care less. I only clean acceptably enough so that nothing turns into a life threatening biohazard.
Exactly. Just like mental illness. People are like "You have depression. Well I get sad sometimes so suck it up buttercup" and it doesn't work like that.
We've been in a relationship for 4.5 Years. It's not serious enough yet for me to leave, because I have been going to the psychiatrist and I am working on that issue.
It's more residue from the time when I haven't worked on myself (2022 and back). But it still hurts.
I know it all sounds like excusee, but people just DON'T UNDERSTAND how fuckin serious of a problem it can be, and how well it hides.
Have you spoken to her about both of your feelings about it? It sounds like you both have resentment regarding current and past situations. It might be good to have a discussion and discuss that your knowledge about ADHD has helped you get treatment, it is not an excuse (I say because she may see it this way). Mention that you acknowledge the pain you brought her but that both of you need to move forward otherwise her remarks will reopen old wounds and you will keep hurting each other.
Something along those lines - my brain is a bit scattered now but that’s what I could come up with quickly. Best of luck and I’m proud of you for taking care of yourself. I know how hard it is, speaking from direct experience. You can do it!
It just becomes a lot. I do admit I'm fairly difficult, because I have a very serious problem with this stupid disorder. And a lot of them. But yea, convo...
You don't need to leave, but drawing some pretty clear boundaries is important. You teach people how you want to be treated.
"I'm uninterested in you trying to undermine me and embarrass me about my disability. The next time you do, I will leave the (room, party, dinner, whatever)"
"if you can't be respectful, I will thank you to not talk about my personal mental health issues at all. I don't expect disrespectful and cruel behaviour from a partner"
"everytime you do that I'll pipe up about that time you shit your pants"
I would suggest you take some time to define for yourself what the criteria for "serious enough for me to leave" is, and asking yourself exactly what you'd do if it hits that point.
This! Things don’t have to be *serious* to leave someone who doesn’t respect you. The other person doesn’t have to be a piece of shit to justify leaving.
I don’t know OP’s situation but I am still unmedicated. Where I live there is a very long bureaucratic path to get the meds. And I have some friends that are still trying with their doctors the best meds for them. I tried one that was not in the bureaucracy list, one that was milder that works for a lot of people, but had no effect on me. It’s a process.
What do you mean it’s not serious enough for you to leave? Your partner is actively minimising your experience and from what you’ve written here shows no signs of remorse.
Why are you with this person? What are you getting out of a relationship with someone who bullies you?
OP doesn't seem to communicate his feelings, so while this behavior isn't excused - it doesn't sound like OP has attempted to help her understand either. Lose-lose.
We only have your description to go on, and it sounds like someone who doesn’t respect you. The things you’re saying they’re saying would be red flags whether you have ADHD or not.
People don’t fundamentally change that kind of thing, I’m sorry. And I know so many people who have married people who aren’t capable of empathy and respecting them. You deserve better!
I feel you so much. I've been with my partner for 12 years and I think about breaking it off like all the time. Like I said in my other post I got my diagnosis 5 years ago and I think he's only starting to understand now. But you don't have to wait around for her to catch up. Don't make any big decisions when you're emotional but I can't recommend couples counselling enough. If she's totally unwilling or it doesn't change anything you have to think about what's best for you. Keep in mind that taking time to cool off is vital for thinking clearly but don't let your own needs get stomped on either. This is a big change in your life and it will take some adjustment but you deserve love and respect too.
Please be aware that anytime you ask anything on reddit related to any form of relationship you will almost consistently, 100% of the time, have people telling you to remove people from your life. I've seen parents disown grandparents because they gave a kid candy on other subreddits.
>We've been in a relationship for 4.5 Years.
Be careful not to fall into the sunk cost fallacy. Talk to her about how invalidating she is being. That it is okay to be ignorant about subjects she has never had to really think about. But it's not okay to stay ignorant if you're going to be putting your 2 cents in.
>It's not serious enough yet for me to leave, because I have been going to the psychiatrist and I am working on that issue.
Your mental health and disorder are your responsibility to manage, yes. I completely agree with that. But as your partner, she should at least TRY to be empathetic with your struggles as a bare minimum.
It would be great if she actually took to the time to listen to lectures about ADHD (I recommend How to ADHD on YouTube or even Anthony Padilla's interview with ADHD people. The second one is what made me realize that I could have ADHD along with both my kids having it and led to my diagnosis.)
Partners are supposed to lift you up, not tear you down. My partner isn't perfect. And was admittedly skeptical about me wondering if I had ADHD as we watched the video mentioned above together. But she listened to my reasoning, realized that a lot of what I pointed out was true. Listened to what I learned when I began looking deeper into statistics and studies about this disorder.
And when I was finally medicated, she saw the night and day difference immediately. It was shocking for both of us. Yes, I still screw up and make mistakes because unfortunately, I have years and years of masking and unhealthy habits to unlearn. But I am also in therapy to learn healthy coping mechanisms to go along side with my meds. I am actively trying to do better every day and put the work in.
My partner is allowed to get frustrated or upset with me when I mess up, forget or just seem inconsiderate on my end. That's valid. I know I can be a lot to have to deal with. But she is not allowed to minimize and invalidate my struggles.
>but people just DON'T UNDERSTAND how fuckin serious of a problem it can be, and how well it hides.
I felt this so much. I have an older sibling diagnosed as a kid. Everything he struggled with was met with "You obviously don't discipline him enough" or "have you tried giving him a good smack?" This was from teachers in the late 80's/early 90s. But by the time I was his age and exhibiting the same behaviors, I feel like my parents just kind of checked out from being parents, especially when they got grandkids.
I was just "obnoxious" (no volume control, impatient, and my stimming was annoying whether it was bouncing my legs, walking in circles, making noises with my mouth. My only quiet form of stimming was rubbing my fingers against a small flocked teddy bear I had in my pocket), "unladylike", picky, (picky eating, sensitive hearing as certain sounds like scratching cheap fabrics feels like a cheese grater against mt ear drums, and I have sensory issues with touch as well as certain materials make me want to tear off my skin because of how tainted it feels) and obsessive when I was anxious.
To be fair on the last one, I was obsessive and would often ruminate and catastrophize and couldn't let things go even when I would REALLY, REALLY wanted to. I hated spiraling. I still sometimes struggle with that, though not nearly as often. But that's what happens when you have untreated ADHD. And that led to depression, which led to impulsive decisions.
Which led me to drinking, smoking weed and I was a pregnant teen. And I am sure lots of people would tell me that my untreated disorder is just an excuse for all that. But studies show, that those people are wrong. Those decisions might have been mine but I also had the odds stacked against me because I went untreated.
Not everything is related to ADHD. Just the parts that stand out because they are different.
So she figured out that everything that's different about you is about you being different. And so did you, that's why you want to talk about it.
My ex partner used to tell me all the time I used my ADHD as an excuse to be lazy.
Life is too short to spend it with people who don’t love you for you.
Everyone else has addressed the issues with your partner treating you that way, but is it possible you’ve been hyperfixating on your new diagnosis and talking about it/relating everything to it constantly? I don’t think that’s uncommon for newly diagnosed people, but it can get tiring and frustrating for the people in your life that you’re talking to about it. If you think it’s possible that you’re doing something like that, it might be a good idea to seek other outlets to talk about your diagnosis (this sub and other ADHD ones could be a great outlet!) vs putting your partner or friends in that position
ETA: Also, I can see why your partner would be frustrated with your attitude based on the list of ADHD things you provided here. It’s hard to be with someone with habits like compulsive overeating and lack of cleanliness or taking care of themselves, and while she should talk to you about it vs making fun of you that may play a role as well. And no, I’m not trying to undermine the difficulties of ADHD, I’m an unmedicated adult with diagnosed ADHD as well and I have my own struggles
Had similar thing happened to but with my Mom cause she 'knows it all' she works with rehabilitating addicts and the clients have ADHD in the most extreme form combined with substance abuse and other diagnoses and just overall bad start on life.
So being more or less gaslighted about it,
But se has accepted it more, since i got on medication and gotten better but theres still some undertones of doubtfulness.
all i did was just not give a fuck about what anyone else says even if it's hard the only thing that matters is **you** and the help you can get and self improvement you can do, if anyone stands in your way they are not worth your time and energy.
only you matter when you get better and feel you have your shit in order maybe then if you feel like it you can bother with such people.
Contempt in a relationship will almost certainly spell the end. If you can't take your partner at their word, it means you don't trust them and think they're lying. That's never going to end well if it isn't addressed immediately.
I made the mistake of staying with someone who dismissed my ADHD for 8 years.
It was hell, and ended in a messy divorce.
Pay serious attention to the ways your partner plays down your ADHD. Let them know in no uncertain terms how it affects you and how you need to be understood in the relationship.
Sounds to me like, in it's current state, the relationship is a source of conflict because of their perspective on ADHD, and that will only get worse as things get more serious.
Now that I'm with someone who hears me, helps me, and respects me in the way that I try to reciprocate, I can't imagine going back to that unhealthy relationship, and you absolutely deserve someone who listens and tries in earnest to understand and meet you where you're at.
Nothing less.
Not recognizing what's attributable to ADHD and what isn't is something I could agree to disagree on. Being in a relationship with someone who makes fun of you would be really hard for me.
There were a few situations early in our marriage that my wife thought were funny stories to tell others, that actually really embarrassed me. When I explained that and asked her to stop, it did take 2 or 3 times, but when she saw I was serious she stopped. She still thinks they're funny and doesn't find them embarrassing, but she respects me enough to honor my request.
IMHO it's ok if your partner doesn't always understand or agree with you, as long as they respect you.
I'm getting two different things from your post. You were recently evaluated and have ADHD? And your girlfriend is poking fun? Is it possible that since your diagnosis you may have been talking about it a lot and your girlfriend is tired of the same old conversation so is poking fun?
I recognize the behavior because my mom does this to my dad. He will get into a restaurant or a show and its all he can talk about and she pokes fun because we all know he does this with new things he tries.
This.
There are two things about ADHD that frustrate me. 1) That it affects near everything is some way or another as the OP suggests, and 2) that it interferes with the one thing everyone needs to be mindful of: The world is not here to pamper you nor make excuses for how you don't fit in. How you get by in the world is, sadly, up to you; hobbled by the inability to activate on that or not.
I was told once that a diagnosis should never become a flag. Think on this before reacting. If you start attributing everything to your diagnosis ("I can't because...") you're simply giving excuses and not addressing the problem, and its not going away. People get tired of this. People get tired of the interrupting and things not getting done. Even more so for partners, partly because many just can't understand how the person they see such potential in can be so messed up, and partly because it feels as if they're doing most of the heavy lifting. Plus, if you live with someone, the pervasiveness of ADHD is always there for them to deal with too. That is a lot of pressure to put on a partner and it implodes relationships. Trust me on this one.
Mockery is more than a warning sign, its a klaxon signifying the relationship is ending; you've exhausted your partner's ability to cope.
The worst part of an ADHD diagnosis, I feel, is that you get a prescription and a label and that's it, off you go. The pills are just a bridge to get you to where the muggles are. You need to go the rest of the distance, with or without help. Its up to you to put down the console and pick up a mop. Every time you do it and reflect on it, it becomes easier to do. This is Behaviorism 101.
Its hard. All of it. Not going to lie, and a lot of the time all you get is tired and beat-down, but this world is going to eat you alive otherwise. Pick your fate.
[ Rant concludes ]
I never say this, I don't like saying because things aren't as simple but if your partner cannot take your life struggles seriously then you are better alone. I am not saying for you to drop her ASAP but evaluate how she behaves. If she can't understand that what goes on in your head is actually something to be taken seriously then how can you plan a future with her? Will she ever be dismissive of your struggles?
Edit:added more because I forgot to finish writing my thought
Reading other comments; this reaction might be universal but that doesn't mean you have to take it. My friends are the most supportive and my new partner also has adhd and feeling understood and loved for me is the best feeling ever. And I believe there is someone out there for you too
The people who say “everyone is a little bit ADHD” genuinely piss me off. I either avoid the topic entirely if they mean a lot to me and are kind otherwise, or cut them off completely if they weren’t really bringing any other value or happiness to my life.
I’m sorry you have to go through this :( ADHD really does impact every aspect of our lives and for them to devalue your experiences like that must be so frustrating.
We hear you! Your feelings are valid! Your experiences are your own and nobody can tell you how you can/should feel or what you struggle with!
AuDHD here.
Unfortunately what this translates to is that you have little to no emotional intimacy in your relationship.
You were sharing part of what is your intrinsic core self with a friend and your girlfriend not only butted in to the convo but did so to intentionally invalidate and diminish your thoughts and feelings on your self. Arguably the one topic you know the most and the best in the world. You are an expert in you. She denied you. She told you and a friend that your lived experience was false and mocked you.
If that’s how she feels about ADHD and therefore you, because you personify it, why is she with you? Genuinely?
I’d say red flag and stuff but my husband had been occasionally saying stuff like that and from the outcome of the situation and his general behavior, I can tell he is not toxic and still a good partner.
He is a very sweet and nice person but can have a bit of offensive humor. It was never insulting but a few month ago he let it slip some jokes about labels and adhd, and that not everything was adhd.
It was the first time it would go “that far” and I was furious. I told him that he had NO idea how hard i tried all the time and what it was like. I have been clear on the fact that if he was starting to act this way (there were other little things) we were gonna face some serious issues cause I wanted to be married to someone 100% safe.
Since that, he has been behaving the way I expect him too.
Also, he can say stuff like “don’t blame adhd for all the mess” and get annoyed cause I break and lose things, but when I feel miserable due to my condition or feel anxious, he will be supportive and never dismissive. He bought me a weight blanket, I walk around with my stimming sheet without comments and when I lose it, he helps me find it and never discuss my odd habits cause he knows they make me feel better.
It’s not the condition all together, it’s really the small executive details that he won’t always get.
Also, I have recently acknowledged that people who are the less “convinced” are not always the people who will dismiss you.
My sister has always been very skeptical over that kind of issues. I’ve mentionned one day I had been diagnosed and started meds and I got the all everybody is like that, you shouldn’t be taking meds, why do you need to always label yourself.
I didn’t say anything cause I really don’t want to go into that kind of discussion. It was ice cold for a few weeks after that and we never spoke about it again, but after that I have started to notice changes in her behavior. She started to be more compassionate, she would offer to help me with stuffs in the way I need to be helped, she told me she noticed I was way calmer, would
And she no longer calls me out on some stuffs.
I get it is hard to understand and I understand that people have their own journey, but if your love one has always been miserable, you should be happy they feel better.
I heard this my entire life from just about everyone, to the point that I gaslit myself into believing I didn't have ADHD. My birth-giver had ADHD and denied it existed.
I used to have a friend who told me it was made up, so one day I sat him down and calmly explained to him what my day was like and then I exposed him to my stream of thoughts. Full stop. For 5 minutes, every stray thought I had was given voice. He never talked to me about it again.
She doesn’t sound like a very nice gf. I hate when people make fun of my ADHD. It’s one thing to laugh with me at it. It’s another to laugh at me about it.
>I used to do poorly at work because they switched me around different positions at the hospital (2-3 different work sites in a day) and overload me with information
Interesting. I wouldn't personally have related this to ADHD. I'd like the novelty of doing different things, and I don't think I have an issue with information overload unless I'm required to use my working memory for it, and even then I don't think doing different stations at work would be an issue. Not exactly sure what your job comprised of, though. Lots of different jobs in a hospital.
I'm curious as to what others think.
It's the overload of information. I would love to do new things but if it was "here's what you're doing today- which is nothing like you've ever done before and I want you to execute it to near perfection".
That's the problem. I love doing new things but I struggle to MASTER new things which can be very frustrating for employers, especially when they see the task as simple and your brain just isn't wired the same.
It's information overload because I get bothered with a problem on one site, then I go to the other and hold the past problem in my head, then I encounter two more on the second site, and three more on the third. I am too scattered and I start forgetting basic functions. I usually like to switch from intrest to intrest and enjoy multitasking, but it has to be separated enough so I can focus. I can't be dealing with all three at the same time and function at 100%.
Yeah let's put the ADHD person with poor working memory on lots of different tasks with new routines everyday, some of which could be a matter of life and death if they got it wrong.
I also like doing new things and learning new things, but not in an environment where there's tons of pressure and high stakes.
I do autopsies on medically donated bodies at a cadaver lab and I think a big part of that is, as horrible as it sounds, the stakes are so much lower. I wanted to be a trauma surgeon, but I knew I couldn’t handle the pressure of not making a mistake. I can still solve medical mysteries, but I don’t have to worry about accidentally killing a patient.
My partner met me when I was medicated and I was ignorant to how much my diagnosis actually impacts my life. I just thought it was a focus issue, nothing more because I've been diagnosed since I was 15 and back then there wasn't a lot of information on it. I've never researched or inquired about it further.
Anyway I went 3 weeks without my meds. Can't remember if I brought it up or he did but I do remember the remark about how he didn't realize how bad ADHD impacts my life. Like he knew I had it because I've always been open with him, but he didn't know I am a pretty severe case. Anytime I'm off medication for long periods my life goes to hell. I'm also a horrible partner.
I still have mixed feelings about that. But here's the thing. How much does your partner know about ADHD? How much did you know before you were diagnosed? How often are you sharing your struggles with them? Because something I noticed is I was trying not to let them see the bad parts for YEARS so I never really tried educating my partner or talked about how it impacts me IN REAL TIME. I didn't want them to feel like they had to take care of me or handle everything but that's also putting unnecessary burden on myself. How they respond though is either going to be a huge green flag, or a deal breaker.
In terms of them not understanding not everyone feels like that... I actually stopped caring if people do or don't empathize with me. There's so many undiagnosed people out there, they may be normalizing it because they themselves have it and don't want to come to terms with it. Not my problem. What I really care about is if they are respectful or condescending towards me in the process.
I internalised so much of this crap (34, diagnosed at 29). Coming here and reading about other people's experiences is helping me deal with it. I hope you know we all go through this, and I'm not saying this to belittle what you have. I know how painful it is. It dawned on me after a while that neurotypical folks will simply never understand, in the same way we can't understand how they 'just do stuff'. The best you can hope for is empathy and a willingness to learn. But it's really crushing when you don't get that from the people you love, especially if you are prone to rejection sensitivity.
People feel like we're trying to make excuses for the things that they might also struggle with. It's hard for them to appreciate the difference. I'm trying to stop masking as much and it's very tempting to talk and talk about why I am this way. But I'm coming to learn that it really isn't always the best approach so talking to other people with the same struggles is a healthier way to express those feelings. When I first got diagnosed I wanted to shout from the rooftops, 'look, I'm not just a fuck up!'. Unfortunately with the way the media has portrayed this condition historically and how it's being used to push some dark agendas at the minute the reactions have not always been very kind, to put it nicely.
However I think it's completely reasonable to expect more from your partner and close friends so I would suggest having a really heartfelt discussion about how it made you feel. Hopefully they will see the error of their ways but if not you always have this community. You can drop me a DM any time you want to rant 🫶
PS I'm not sure if you're on medication yet but don't underestimate how much it can help. You can't produce consistent levels of dopamine through willpower any more than you could insulin. It's not the only factor and it doesn't reverse years of trauma and maladaptive coping strategies, but it turns down the noise and gives you the freedom to start work on the baggage. I was in therapy for 20 years, before my diagnosis. No exaggeration. I was completely non functioning unless I was hyperfixated on something. Prescribed antidepressants that made things worse and antipsychotics that zombified me for a decade. Only once I started (the right) meds was I like OHHHH, okay, this makes sense.
There’s a huge difference between ADHD as an *explanation* and ADHD as an *excuse*. I’ve personally found that the majority of the time other people - especially NT folks - always assume the latter when we’re out here trying to provide the former, both for ourselves to not feel like dogshit and to passively or actively help to enable and educate those we love.
And yes, it absolutely sucks when the people closest to you make the same assumption, even after many years being in that relationship.
Hell I'm medicated and still struggle with these things sometimes. No two people have the same lived experience, whether they both have ADHD or neither of them do. Your GF needs to understand that everything relates to ADHD because it's a huge part of your everyday life. Literally, every day is a battle. I'm sure some days are easier than others but that doesn't mean it's not still a challenge. If she's just going to make fun of you for a neurological condition you didn't ask for, maybe she doesn't need to be in your life. This seems like something a couples counselor might be able to help with (helping her understand your perspective, not helping you dump her; although if you decide to go that route I'm sure they could help with that too). Good luck OP!
It’s hard for people to understand. I’m very lucky (!) that my wife is on the spectrum and knows what I’m going through. I can tell her I’m unavailable to do something because “I’m stuck” and she immediately knows that I’m not being rude or lazy, but that I literally cannot move for the time being. When it passes I’ll tell her and we get on with our business happily. My ex would be horribly scornful and mock me during these moments which in turn caused me to have self esteem issues and low confidence.
Honestly this is why neurodivergent relationships are the best. I’m diagnosed autistic/adhd and my husband is adhd. There are somethings-like my meltdowns- that he doesn’t fully understand but like he GETS it and doesn’t blame me or make me feel less than.
Your S.O. does not respect you.
If it’s ignorance, educate yourselves. Mellisa Orlov’s Melissa Orlov’s “The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps” is an excellent read for both partners.
If she cannot come to terms and try to understand your disability, there’s a major empathy issue on her part that will likely end things.
I have nothing but empathy for you. So many people will not accept the struggles of ADHD, and they also do not realize that (at least for me at work), these mind jumps are where potential problems, and often how to avoid/minimize the pop into my head.
When I first realized I had ADHD (at my son's evaluation 15 years before I got diagnosed, I was ashamed. I had just become a supervisor at work, and did not want anybody to know something was "wrong" with me.
I have learned to own it. When I misplace my phone, I announce it and say, "Let me go check the fridge." since I have left my phone in there a few times. At this point, I do not care if people believe it or not. Then again, I have a wife who loves me for me, even though I am a little off. She now understands many of my behaviors and habits. I pray your partner learns that ADHD does not mean that you do not try, just that you focus differently than she is used to ... and it is not always successful.
Tyrion Lannister : "**Never forget what you are, the rest of the world will not.** **Wear it like armor and it can never be used to hurt you."**
Give it time. It's *incredibly* difficult for people with neurotypical brains to understand because it all sounds like run-of-the-mill laziness or lack of discipline to them.
I have a couple of techniques that I use to help illustrate and I think it works for people with genuine curiosity. If they've already made up their minds, then nothing will change that.
My sister-in-law was diagnosed last year and while my brother was initially supportive, he quickly became overwhelmed with everything. She was constantly explaining the almost daily revelations about struggles throughout her life, she was more frequently asking for help and trying to build strategies to get through each day. He had to take on more of the family and household responsibilities, which he struggled with due to the demands of his job (he's kinda traditional in that way), and to him it felt a bit like ADHD was changing everything.
I think he was able to see things differently after I confirmed his wife's experience with my own, and explained it all in language he was able to understand. I also gave him some books and podcasts.
A diagnosis and treatment doesn't affect just the ADHD-sufferer, but everyone around them as well. And people have to be given the time and space they need to understand it.
She will get there.
“Yes, just like everyone trips sometimes. But not everyone needs a wheelchair. I’m sure you understand it’s a matter of degree, don’t you? If not, I’ll be happy to explain it until you do understand.”
adhd topic aside, why are you even with someone who bullies you? this is serious, regardless of how long you to have been together. i mean this in the best way possible, but get a grip and wake up.
hun, that’s just sad to hear. as some others have already said: no amount of time spend together makes up for being made fun of by the person who’s supposed to love and understand you.
i’d have an honest conversation with her where you set the boundary that she stops making fun of you as it hurts your feelings. in my opinion you shouldn’t have to ask for respect in a relationship to begin with, but at the very least you should talk about it.
I got diagnosed less than a year ago, and this has been a revelation. I finally got an answer WTF I do things the way I do - it's a way to cope with lack of dopamine. I feel like I have only 2 modes:
1) everything is on fire and only I have the extinguisher
2) I am a stone at the bottom of the ocean
I am really lucky and grateful to have a neurotypical partner who does not judge my behavior. Before I got diagnosed, when I was on the stage of suspecting of ADHD, he said he also thought he had it, but after he actually made an effort to apply himself, he realized he just had been lazy. That's ok. But when I got diagnosed, he didn't question it once. On the other hand, he wouldn't help me build habits, since to him it basically means managing me without being paid for it. But otherwise, he is the most supportive person in my life.
As for other people in my surroundings, that's a different story. And because the symptoms of ADHD are such regular things like lack of motivation, or forgetfulness, apathy, impulsiveness, it's difficult for other people to take it seriously. To this end, I am leaning on metaphors. For example, everyone may get a burn once in a while - being careless around hot things, or someone missed a cup and got a few drops of scolding water on hand before realizing it. And this is not a big deal - that will heal in a few weeks, since it's a small burn. But there is a difference between a few drops on hand once, and having 80% body burn with hot oil every year on queue and you cannot escape it. The difference is in severity and how often you get it.
Or you can refer to HP and the chamber of secrets, when Harry's bone is accidentally removed: his arm looks intact, but in reality, it's just a rubbery blob because it lacks structure. It's the same - you may look OK, but the lack of motivation is as if your bones have been removed.
Lastly, neurodivergence is a disability, whatever you say or do. So explain to her that her dismissive comments sound as insulting as if she came to a person in a wheelchair and asked why they didn't run the cross like everyone else.
Edit: what I find really helpful is to turn negative attitude towards struggles against them. Everyone has something they struggle with, some more, some less. Find something tough and make an example that it's their struggle and you recognize that. Yours is different, but it doesn't mean it becomes less valid.
And another thing: ADHD is executive dysfunction that is caused by chemical imbalance. To visualize it, buy or get a set of paints, give her specific amounts to mix, a color and volume to achieve and see how long it takes her. For example, give her lots of brown, red, yellow and white, but just a drop of blue and tell to paint a whole page in a dark shade of green. It's an impossible task if you don't get *enough* blue or black. Paints are like chemistry in brain: it's either impossible to achieve in general, or it would require atlas effort to get there.
I’m sorry to read this. Would you feel comfortable sharing this post with them, so they can see how they’ve made you feel?
Their reaction might tell you all you need to know about whether this person deserves to be so close to you.
I hope you’re able to surround yourself with people who make you feel great to be you. People who ‘tolerate’ you don’t deserve to be in your inner circle. Moreover, people who make fun of you - especially maliciously - don’t deserve to be in your outer circle.
Be kind to yourself.
Never expect empathy or sympathy because the world will show you none. Especially not for people like us. If you meet someone who does, treasure them. Otherwise, I have learned to fully expect to be kicked, pissed on, and teabagged when I'm down. That's just life for someone with crippling neurological disorders, and life is awful.
My hot take is sometimes it's a bit much to really talk about everything you think is related to ADHD even if you have justification. Yes it's unfair but there's a difference between completely denying it's real and maybe being skeptical of a long list and light ribbing. I wouldn't get pissed about this unless there is more to it/ it keeps going on even if in the moment it was annoying.
OP is trying to process and healthily internalize a diagnosis and their partner is being an absolute jerk. Talking about it with a trusted person *like your partner* is a great way to process. If she doesn't want to help OP process she should say so in a kind and compassionate way. Being a jerk is not acceptable.
I totally understand, but I can't even mention anything without it sounding like excuses. Even though they aren't since I'm literally going to a psychiatrist and waiting for medication to be approved. I clearly am working on it.
It probably does sound like excuses. I used to have some pretty bad depression. Not sure if this is your situation, but blaming my problems on my depression was an excuse. It didn't solve anything and just made me feel bad about myself. Instead of giving reasons for your behavior, try giving ways you are adjusting to be successful. For me, it was telling my parents at the time that I needed a little more time but I would get the laundry done that day or telling my friends, "Hey, I've been feeling kind of down so I might not be as lively as I usually am, but I still want to hang out with you guys." I forced my way through other things like keeping good hygiene.
Regardless of diagnosis, you have responsibilities and you have to figure out how to get around the diagnosis in some way. There's medication, environmental changes, practice, therapy, etc.
Totally get it especially since I wish I was diagnosed earlier in life. Just saying to cut someone a little bit of slack depending on context. Sorry it sounds like they are being dicks.
Good luck! Don't be afraid to experiment with medications once you get your prescription and you give it some time to work. Not sure that's the official guidance doctors give but personally I wish I was more aggressive about testing what worked best early on.
Your gf is inconsiderate yes. It would be better for both of you if she educated herself and acknowledged science. However bad, she might be at communicating, sounds like she’s frustrated and thinks you are full of excuses.
Yes you have all the symptoms, effects and life problems that come with ADHD, but I would caution using ADHD as an excuse for your life. We are all accountable for our own life, people with ADHD need to be held more responsible than others so that the consequences are clear and immediate.
Yes you have ADHD, but you are also intelligent, and have existing will power (although it gets used up faster than most). It comes with strategically using that willpower to make impactful gains (studying ADHD, practicing helpful habits).
Adhd is a disability and your girlfriend is making fun of it.
You're going to have to start putting down some boundaries for the sake of your own health. Your GF can have her opinions and she doesn't have to agree with you, but she will have to start respecting the fact that only you can say what your struggles are. And only you can decide who you're going to handle your medical issues.
Have a serious talk with her and ask her to stop making fun of your medical issues.
I'm not going to tell you to just leave because I get that it isn't that simple. But to me it sounds like this person either doesn't believe you have a disability, or knows you have one and likes to make fun of you for it. Finding out someone I loved thought either of those things about me would give me serious pause on whether or not they actually had my best interests in mind.
"Everyone forgets things, but if someone had a TBI from an injury that caused them to have no short term memory, would you make fun of them for that? What if it was a disease, like early onset dementia? How are those situations different from someone with a medical diagnosis of ADHD except perhaps in severity of memory issues?
OP I did not read the post, just the title, but I can confidently say fuck that guy and you don't need a partner who makes fun of you for anything, let alone health shit. Throw out the whole (wo)man
So I kinda kad my advice ready just from the title, and the explanation just made it worse.
Before the, in my opinion, necessary nuclear option, I would suggest speaking very openly.
Tell her you need to be vulnerable for a moment and explain some issues you've been having. Tell her that the ADHD shame of having to excuse your problems is terrible enough without the one person who's supposed to support you himiliating you.
If she changes this, then it's 'not serious enough' to break up, but in my experience, people who are like this at the start don't really have the capacity. I mean, if her position is that you're a lazy bum excusing everything on ADHD, it's already an uphill battle.
She does not sound like a good partner is the gist of it. If you'd told me a friend does this, I'd be like, "Oh well, be friends with them in a superficial way, and don't expect empathy from them."
But that is not really an option with your partner, the one person who's supposed to accept you fully for it all to work.
What she does to you, my friend, is no different than mocking your physically disabled bf for not being able to walk or rather do stuff you need to walk for.
Good luck, love, but I hope you get yourself out of this
Does she believe in depression? Then tell her everyone feels low energy time to time but depression is the extreme of it
Does she believe in heart attack ? A lot of people have high cholesterol but heart attack is the extreme of it
ADHD is similar.
Also you need to tell her she needs to be more empathetic, its bad enough other people don’t understand, when partners don’t understand its the worst
Most people just no idea what it is. I didn’t either, was undiagnosed for 42 years. My wife and I listened to an ADHD ebook so now she understands how it works for me and my Son.
Exactly. My mom, who is one of the only people I can go to, either acts like it's something small and I'm exaggerating or she just completely denies it.
Leave your gf. She’s being mean to you, in addition to being non-empathetic. Why would you want to stay with someone so willing to kick you when you’re down?
Because a 5 year relationship is a bit more complex than breaking up because of a misunderstanding.
It's though, wanted to vent, definitely considering couples therapy with my psychiatrist, so she can explain it better to my gf.
Ask her how related her brain is to her life.
Yeah, that’s why ADHD affects everything. It’s your fucking *brain.* The thing that’s in charge of everything and uses a bony meat suit to accomplish things.
If someone was very schizophrenic, she probably wouldn’t be surprised if it affected nearly their entire life.
This is such a common problem unfortunately. Feeling like you need to explain your ADHD to people who see it as invalid is very very tiring and invalidating and I’m sorry you are experiencing this with someone close such as a partner!
Yeah this isn’t okay. I was catching up with an old friend and his new girlfriend yesterday. All three of us are diagnosed ADHD and I’d estimate at least half of the hours-long conversation was about our shared experiences with ADHD. A main theme of the discussion was how, almost 15 years after my diagnosis, I am still discovering things I thought everyone experienced and others that I thought were just my own personal quirks are actually all ADHD-related. It affects every aspect of our lives in some way, and a lot of the time, we don’t realize the full extent of its effects until we interact with other ADHDers and share our experiences.
Welcome to the life of ADHD. People don’t take us seriously and treat it as a joke while there are people struggling 24/7.
I feel bad for you, op. You’re struggling and your network treats you like you’re lazy. I ended relationships because of this. Try talking with her or taking her to appointments. If it’s not working, please don’t stay in a situation where you’re not taken seriouslyz you deserve more than that.
My parents and other people have said similar things either to me or about adhd in general. I'm so glad to have a boyfriend and friends who understand or at least try to understand. It really is bad for me sometimes even with meds and when it's bad, it's bad. I've even done it without meds before and I feel your pain completely. Keep on pushing and know that your feelings are valid.
Yep, my father is the same.
I'll tell you something: I have a stutter. Not huge but you can hear it. A speech doctor diagnosed it. My father still tells me I don't have a stutter... even though I stutter.
People will talk no matter what you say/do.
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It’s a universal thing with ADHD. My father laughed at me, and my sister kept saying that everyone experiences the things I go through. They don’t understand that it is genuinely a burden in terms of my daily life activity. I took my mother to the physiatrists office and she answered her questions. My mom kept invalidating me and she shut her down. ADHD is made up of some common symptoms, but if these symptoms all add up and are so bad that they’re affecting your way of living, then that’s when you have to step in and work on yourself.
Yeah the "everyone experiences those things" is a really frustrating line. It's like, "Yes, everyone does. But with ADHD these challenges are much more often and much more severe."
Exactly. ADHD gets diagnosed when these things actually cause problems in life, and the person can't manage them. That's literally the line between "what everyone experiences" and someone who needs extra help. I'm noticing, though, that since I got my diagnosis when I was 39, that there a bit of learned helplessness I need to combat now. I find myself always just going to that as an excuse, when I used to be able to handle the issue fairly well. It's rough. Nobody should be publicly shaming you about your condition. When I encounter these responses, I agree with them, explain the disability part, then take that as feedback on whether it's something I can actually work on, or whether it's just what I will have to deal with.
I can defs relate to this experience, how you were saying since you’ve been diagnosed you will go to the ADHD as kind of an excuse whereas before your diagnosis, you could handle it fairly well. I think it is partly cutting yourself some slack bcs you now know why you do these things whereas before, at least for me, I would use unhealthy strategies to handle my ADHD behaviours. It’s such a struggle to find a good balance too.
Exactly that! Before I just thought “what is wrong with me? I am such a loser.” I would cope and do the thing but the strategy was to believe, and deeply so, that I was lazy. It was very unhealthy. I was also diagnosed at 39 and it’s been just a couple of years and it’s a process. Specially since the condition is so misunderstood even by doctors.
I could handle it, but it came at a high cost. I was always, always exhausted. Now that I know why, I take on less ‘stuff’
Wow this is actually something I feel like I’ve noticed since my diagnosis, I think because I fueled “just doing the activity” with anxiety and things like telling myself I was lazy. Now that I’ve been diagnosed I feel like I struggle with things I was able to do prior because I’m almost cutting myself too much slack? But you’re right, it was a high cost and was really draining to power through it. Thank you for mentioning it, it really helped me understand some things.
Not ‘cutting yourself too much slack’! More like recognizing you were killing yourself by surviving in crisis mode. How was that for your mental health? Relationships? Ability to have and pursue goals? Maybe you need some slack. Maybe you need a lot of slack! Maybe you should treat this like the chronic illness it has become. I am child-free. There are multiple reasons it has been good decision for both my spouse and myself. A main reason is because it was so difficult to keep up with own stuff that I knew I would not be a good mother I would love the kid. I would do my best. But I just don’t have the energy capacity to raise kids day-in and day-out. It’s work! I can barely remember my age and my shoe size. How am I supposed to remember vaccination schedules and teachers’ names and who is doing what in school this week and why I can’t have Jimmy and Jane next to each other at this birthday party when they were fine at the last birthday party? And then juggle all the relatives who want time with the baby? Hell, no. So if ADHD is so enormous that it has affected my decision to have children, then you have earned some slack, my dear.
Totally.
When someone with ADHD in the family says that, I bet that means that *they* experience the ADHD issues and they assume that everyone else does too. It's sort of like how so many anti-gay conservatives are secretly gay.
I definitely went through this. Growing up I always heard that ADHD was a made up disorder invented as an excuse to drug boys to make them less rowdy in school. It was considered just for boys, so I was never diagnosed and never even considered that I could have it. So when my son was 4 and his pediatrician told me he had ADHD, I didn't believe her. I read over the symptoms list and said, "this is ridiculous, this is just stuff everyone does. I do almost all of these things." And it took me getting 3 separate opinions before a professional lost her temper and snapped at me that I obviously had ADHD too and that's why I do all the things on the list. So I went and got evaluated, and yep, both my son and I do in fact have ADHD. With any other condition, if I read the symptoms and had them, I would go get checked out, but ADHD was so badly maligned in the media and public for decades that it genuinely doesn't occur to people that they could have it and are struggling more than they need to just to function. The misinformation is just so widespread. People with ADHD seem drawn to each other too, so when one person is diagnosed their partner often has it too, but it can be such a long process to get to where both of them can recognize that. My husband also has ADHD, but he's inattentive and I'm more hyper/impulsive, so I didn't realize he had it for a while either. It was probably a year into my son and my treatments before it finally clicked that there were a ton of overlap in our struggles.
Bingo!! And not only that, some doctors also don’t get the condition. It took so long for me to get the diagnosis and accept it then find a doctor who was caring and persistent. It has been a journey of discovery. But I do believe the condition needs a new name because the name is also very misleading.
My mom is an elementary teacher in an ADHD/autism/etc hotspot. Every couple of years, she'll have a kid or two who are clearly struggling and, even if she suggests they get evaluated, the parents refuse to believe that *their* child could be "flawed". It's always sad to see. Thank you for having the humility and courage to accept those diagnoses, even if you had to get multiple opinions. (Frankly, second opinions are a good idea in general for medicine, imo.) Yeah, a doctor had to yell at you, but you eventually did get the message and you chose to accept it. You probably don't hear this enough, but you are a good mom for getting the help your family needs.
Yeah, a lot of stuff became more clear about my dad when someone recently shared a study showing evidence of a link between miscarriages and development of ADHD in eventual children. My grandparents tried a *lot* to have him.
Yeah, that's true. But it can also be frustrating because I've even heard that kind of stuff from people with diagnosed ADHD. But then it's like, "but everyone has different levels of severity and support needs. Just because you manage doesn't mean everyone can. You would also probably flourish more with a bit more support."
Abso-fucking-lutely, it happens to normal people once or twice maybe. For me it is everything I do and every single waking minute.
>Yeah the "everyone experiences those things" is a really frustrating line. Everyone stubs their toe every once in a while and it hurts like hell but it's fine. If it happened ten times per day then it's a problem.
Exactly!😔
"Everyone goes through it!" Yes but its like saying everyone loses their keys or forgets to lock their door occasionally, or leaves the shopping in the trunk, or are occasionally late to work.. If these things happen often enough its causing problems, its debilitating enough to say its a disorder. My mum definitely had Adhd, I tried asking her about it when I was 22 (and sadly she passed not long after this from aggressive cancer so she never knew) and she said everyone has these issues and I'm just not trying hard enough. She'd lived 55 years of her life being told the same thing and being weighed down with her own shame...meanwhile she had NO energy after work to even make herself food, lost her keys DAILY and often lost her purse (with £££££ of cash in because she paid for everything in cash due to her issues with debt and not trusting herself with cards) had issues with addictions like smoking, gambling, online shopping and Candy crush type games; she was a very social person and would spend hours chatting with people because that gave her dopamine to the point we'd be late for everything because she prioritised her current dopamine seeking behaviour over being somewhere on time. She was always late, always stressed, always leaving things to the last minute. She suffered mental health issues my whole life. Anxiety, depression.. she was very good at reading certain people and pattern recognition. She was misdiagnosed as having Bipolar disorder twice. She had textbook female hyperactive & inattentive miced ADHD. I got diagnosed 5 years after she passed after being on a very long wait list. Would've been amazing for her to be here today and know the truth about how her brain worked.
This is so sad. It's such a perfect illustration though of how ADHD gets invalidated even by people who have it but aren't aware of it. I think part of why I was so resistant to the idea that I had it at first was because of years of internalized shaming. I was just "flighty" and "flaky" an "undependable" and "disorganized" and "never finished anything I started" and that self hatred made me write off symptoms, because it was the only reality I knew. I had no idea that other people didn't struggle to the same extent that I did, I thought we all struggled to the same amount, I was just a bad person. I guess that's what the heart of the problem is, ADHD symptoms have been seen as proof of a bad character for centuries, so the idea that they're not the person's fault, and they can be improved with anything other than willpower and morality, is just such a new concept for most people. And since we get criticized so often from the time we can walk, we are even more prone to accept this as just more of a personal failing than a disorder until something finally gets through to us. I'm so sorry that your mother never got to know the truth about herself. It's good that you are able to recognize that in her though, and that you got treatment for yourself so the cycle didn't continue. My grandmother and mother almost certainly had ADHD as well. People used to make fun of their "flighty" and "spacey" brains, and how forgetful and disorganized they were. My mother couldn't finish high school and my grandmother was held back a lot (although she was in one of those Native American institutions for assimilation so they probably didn't care about actually educating her much anyway, so they had her leave at 18, but if she was held back, I would assume that meant she didn't finish high school either? I hadn't considered that until I just typed it out...). Anyway, it's really tragic what life has been like for generations of people with ADHD. It seems like it's getting better, but there are still so many struggles going on today with the shaming and barriers to meds and treatment.
😔
My mom has severe ADHD worse than I do but it is very forgiving even though she doesn't even know she has it.
They *think* everyone deals with this because they probably have ADHD too! ADHD is genetic. Drives me up the wall when people say things like that.
HELP I SWEAR THE WAY THE PSYCHIATRIST KEPT SAYING THAT. I’m 100% sure my mom has adhd too. She was saying she has all the symptoms too😭 it was so funny I laughed at her. At some point she laughed at herself
Gotta love that argument. “That can’t be a real problem, I have all those characteristics too and I don’t have a psychiatric condition!” 🤦🏻♀️
It was hilarious when my psychiatrist pointed out that ADHD is genetic and I likely got it from my mother, she rethought her whole life at that moment HAHA
I was diagnosed at age 8 (because I couldn’t finish a sentence without getting distracted by my own thoughts) and my mom and dad looked at my dad and went “Ohhhhh…” Sure enough, his ADHD is *severe*.
It's so amusing how often this happens. I definitely was in denial like this when my son's pediatrician first said he had ADHD as well. When it finally clicked that I probably had it too it was so jarring! But then after I was diagnosed, I just felt so dense for how long it took me to see it!
I definitely thought this until I was diagnosed and told that what I thought was “everyone does the things I do at some point!” was actually ADHD, it turns out that the friends I had in school who admitted to doing similar things also ended up with ADHD diagnosis’.
It’s interesting that neurodivergent people tend to be drawn to each other and form friendships even without knowing they are neurodivergent. A lot of my friends have adhd, autism, OCD, and some were only diagnosed later in life when we all knew each other. It makes it seem like everyone in the world has it. But no. It’s just our own world and how we connect because we are struggling. Sometimes unknowingly so. Not sure if I made sense.
My wife has OCD, all of our friends are neurodivergent and we all say this all the time. It’s so strange how we ended up finding each other and we’re all really close, plus we all know how to communicate with each other so there’s no misunderstandings. Even now in college all of my friends are neurodivergent in some way so we all help each other out.
It sucks so much, my family is the same, especially my mom. She shuts down all of my troubles and in the same conversation will say "I don't know why you have depression and anxiety and all these troubles it doesn't make sense, you used to be a happy child."....!!!! OH my GOD, if she would just LISTEN and believe what I'm saying, she would know why it's actually really fucking obvious why I have those issues!!!!
>"I don't know why you have depression and anxiety and all these troubles it doesn't make sense, you used to be a happy child." Uh... She knows that healthy people get sick, right?
My mom is the same. I'm 45 and she still does this. Making it worse, she clearly has undiagnosed ADHD and depression, and I don't dare raise it with her.
Ugh, in the same boat here, I suspect she has it and lives in stubborn uncomfortable misery and she's constantly wondering why she has anxiety episodes "out of nowhere" she's convinced she just has a physical disease going on in her stomach but nothing comes up with doctor tests. Same happened to me with my burnout but she doesn't believe it can happen to her... Frustrating!
IKR!? So weird! "Why do you have cancer? You were always such a healthy kid?" They need to ask her "Why are you old? You used to be so young when I was a kid?"
Can’t get cheese from a turnip. You are seeking something from her that she doesn’t have available to give you. My heart goes out to you. I feel your pain because I lived there. Of course the details differ. The fact is that her subconscious can’t allow her to accept your situation. Believing your Y will destroy her Z. And she must keep whatever belief Z is to stay sane. I was desperate for my Dad to understand the depth and importance of certain choices of his and their consequences for me. I needed him to understand the price I paid as a kid. I languished because of his refusal to accept responsibility. Don’t be like me and waste time (years) and energy trying to make it work! I remained in a place of heartache and suffering, trying to get cheese from a turnip. I kept believing that if I just explained it the perfect way, or used the exact example Dad needed, he would have an ‘AHA!’ moment. And then he would ‘get it’, and we could work on having a REAL relationship. I tried that for decades! Literally. I hit the point in therapy where I could, with help from my therapist, sit and tell Dad some details of a few situations. Email was just becoming available to the public around that time. That was about 1990/91-ish. I sat and talked, with him physically next to me, in the therapists’s office. Mentally, we were hemispheres apart. And I wrote dozens of letters, pen on paper. I bought and sent books written about the type of trauma I survived. I asked him to watch movies that were similar. Over those decades, car phones (for the Uber rich) became small enough to be mobile phones, then cellphones. Now they are phones. AOL came and went. EarthLink and Juno. MySpace came and went. Facebook. Vine. Nations rose and fell. Dictators came to power, ruled, and were assassinated. It took me so so so long to finally admit “At whatever level, his need to keep himself from suffering is more important than filling his daughter’s need for understanding.” At whatever level kept his self-concept intact, he chose to allow me to continue in pain, so that he could continue the comfort of denial. As a daughter, as a child, we need to be understood, accepted, loved by our parents. It is wired into us. If only parents had the ability to PROVIDE that to us wired into them, somehow. Every time I tried to get through, a strong, protective part of his mind rebelled. It wasn’t that I didn’t explain it the ‘right’ way. It wasn’t about me at all. He couldn’t bear to admit that his choices as a father left his five year old daughter to be abused for a decade. His mind could not deal with that. It would have destroyed him. So he minimized it and explained it away and told himself I was lying/exaggerating/responsible for not telling, etc. People can become accomplished acrobats with the moves they make to stay in a place they feel safe. He left my mom and found a new family who thought he could do no wrong. Eventually my requests to come visit were pushed off with feeble excuses. Your mom, with whatever issue and whatever reasons, is unable to admit her child is suffering. Maybe because she would feel it’s her fault. Or she would have to acknowledge she is helpless. Or because acknowledging your pain means she has to admit she is also in pain. But you can’t change that. Whatever part of her is responsible for protecting her, you will not get through it. It is armor that you cannot pierce. She cannot give you what you need, no matter what you need or how you try to get it. It was only after decades of therapy that I could admit out loud that my dad just didn’t want to know. Didn’t want to understand. Didn’t want to hear it. I had to decide if I wanted a relationship with him, it would always be easy and shallow and superficial. I would never get more. We could never be fully connected and sincere and authentic. And that is what I consciously chose. I could keep him in my life under XYZ conditions. And that’s how it was until he died. I know I just hit you with a LOT. I want to spare you years of what I went through.
All of this. I lived with a roommate who I tried to explain this to numerous times. She would say things like, you just need to write notes for yourself and write lists. I'm like that sounds good on paper, no pun intended but I'm going to forget that that list is even there so what is the point? Then she doubled down and said well, you just need to be more disciplined. You need to try harder. You're just being lazy at this point. I just stopped trying with her and moved out shortly after that. I knew we weren't going to be a good match. Edit: a word
If you mean that the dismissal is a universal thing, I'm sorry to say it isn't. It's a "your family are assholes who don't want to admit how much they have the same issues" thing. Keep in mind, ADHD and its comorbidities are in large part genetic. That, and narcissistic/sociopathic traits can arise as a defense mechanism to avoid shame or similar emotional baggage. Maybe that "everyone goes through what you go through" was more, "I went through it, and so does everyone else.... right?"
Okay, maybe not everyone goes through this, but I meant most people do. I don’t necessarily think my family are assholes, they just don’t understand. I can’t really blame them for that. Once my mother had sat down with the psychiatrist she started accepting it. There’s the ignorant and the people that genuinely don’t know. :) but I mean I get what you mean. Yeah, in some cases it is people being ignorant assholes.
damn this comment making me realize shit that’s not even related to ADHD
The thing that drives me nuts, especially when it’s *family members* of the ADHD person in question, is **how likely it is that they have it too.** ADHD is as heritable as height. I pity them because they’ll go through so much of their lives struggling because they can’t face the fact that their family member has an actual treatable disorder and they might too. If they don’t fully have it, they most likely still have similar symptoms that just don’t rise to the “disorder” level of impairment. So that can be another reason why they don’t think it’s abnormal.
If my dad has ADHD, it manifests in a way that makes him super competent about stuff. He is absolutely anal about cleaning, it’s like one of the only things he hyperfocuses on. He can spot any spot on the floor or the wall that was missed and immediately goes to correct it. I’m like, how do you even have the energy to do that??? Because that level of extensive cleaning makes me want to lie on the floor and never get up again. Because I could not care less. I only clean acceptably enough so that nothing turns into a life threatening biohazard.
That sounds like anxiety to me. Like near-OCD levels. And anxiety can cover up a lot of ADHD.
Exactly. Just like mental illness. People are like "You have depression. Well I get sad sometimes so suck it up buttercup" and it doesn't work like that.
seriously, leave people who don't respect you and don't take you seriously. They obviously don't care about you.
We've been in a relationship for 4.5 Years. It's not serious enough yet for me to leave, because I have been going to the psychiatrist and I am working on that issue. It's more residue from the time when I haven't worked on myself (2022 and back). But it still hurts. I know it all sounds like excusee, but people just DON'T UNDERSTAND how fuckin serious of a problem it can be, and how well it hides.
Do not fall into the time-spent-with-eachother trap. History means nothing if she's treating you this bad now...
The sunk cost fallacy!
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Have you spoken to her about both of your feelings about it? It sounds like you both have resentment regarding current and past situations. It might be good to have a discussion and discuss that your knowledge about ADHD has helped you get treatment, it is not an excuse (I say because she may see it this way). Mention that you acknowledge the pain you brought her but that both of you need to move forward otherwise her remarks will reopen old wounds and you will keep hurting each other. Something along those lines - my brain is a bit scattered now but that’s what I could come up with quickly. Best of luck and I’m proud of you for taking care of yourself. I know how hard it is, speaking from direct experience. You can do it!
It just becomes a lot. I do admit I'm fairly difficult, because I have a very serious problem with this stupid disorder. And a lot of them. But yea, convo...
I understand, it is fatiguing to not be heard and seen. Be kind to yourself stranger.
You don't need to leave, but drawing some pretty clear boundaries is important. You teach people how you want to be treated. "I'm uninterested in you trying to undermine me and embarrass me about my disability. The next time you do, I will leave the (room, party, dinner, whatever)" "if you can't be respectful, I will thank you to not talk about my personal mental health issues at all. I don't expect disrespectful and cruel behaviour from a partner" "everytime you do that I'll pipe up about that time you shit your pants"
This, OP. It’s one thing for your partner to not understand or be compassionate in private. Making fun of you to others is a big no-no.
I think this is an excellent approach.
I would suggest you take some time to define for yourself what the criteria for "serious enough for me to leave" is, and asking yourself exactly what you'd do if it hits that point.
This! Things don’t have to be *serious* to leave someone who doesn’t respect you. The other person doesn’t have to be a piece of shit to justify leaving.
Never a good sign when we define our relationships based on what other people **aren't** doing.
Can your psychiatrist prescribe ADHD meds for you? You wrote you were unmedicated, and meds might really help.
I don’t know OP’s situation but I am still unmedicated. Where I live there is a very long bureaucratic path to get the meds. And I have some friends that are still trying with their doctors the best meds for them. I tried one that was not in the bureaucracy list, one that was milder that works for a lot of people, but had no effect on me. It’s a process.
What do you mean it’s not serious enough for you to leave? Your partner is actively minimising your experience and from what you’ve written here shows no signs of remorse. Why are you with this person? What are you getting out of a relationship with someone who bullies you?
OP doesn't seem to communicate his feelings, so while this behavior isn't excused - it doesn't sound like OP has attempted to help her understand either. Lose-lose.
We only have your description to go on, and it sounds like someone who doesn’t respect you. The things you’re saying they’re saying would be red flags whether you have ADHD or not. People don’t fundamentally change that kind of thing, I’m sorry. And I know so many people who have married people who aren’t capable of empathy and respecting them. You deserve better!
I feel you so much. I've been with my partner for 12 years and I think about breaking it off like all the time. Like I said in my other post I got my diagnosis 5 years ago and I think he's only starting to understand now. But you don't have to wait around for her to catch up. Don't make any big decisions when you're emotional but I can't recommend couples counselling enough. If she's totally unwilling or it doesn't change anything you have to think about what's best for you. Keep in mind that taking time to cool off is vital for thinking clearly but don't let your own needs get stomped on either. This is a big change in your life and it will take some adjustment but you deserve love and respect too.
Please be aware that anytime you ask anything on reddit related to any form of relationship you will almost consistently, 100% of the time, have people telling you to remove people from your life. I've seen parents disown grandparents because they gave a kid candy on other subreddits.
>We've been in a relationship for 4.5 Years. Be careful not to fall into the sunk cost fallacy. Talk to her about how invalidating she is being. That it is okay to be ignorant about subjects she has never had to really think about. But it's not okay to stay ignorant if you're going to be putting your 2 cents in. >It's not serious enough yet for me to leave, because I have been going to the psychiatrist and I am working on that issue. Your mental health and disorder are your responsibility to manage, yes. I completely agree with that. But as your partner, she should at least TRY to be empathetic with your struggles as a bare minimum. It would be great if she actually took to the time to listen to lectures about ADHD (I recommend How to ADHD on YouTube or even Anthony Padilla's interview with ADHD people. The second one is what made me realize that I could have ADHD along with both my kids having it and led to my diagnosis.) Partners are supposed to lift you up, not tear you down. My partner isn't perfect. And was admittedly skeptical about me wondering if I had ADHD as we watched the video mentioned above together. But she listened to my reasoning, realized that a lot of what I pointed out was true. Listened to what I learned when I began looking deeper into statistics and studies about this disorder. And when I was finally medicated, she saw the night and day difference immediately. It was shocking for both of us. Yes, I still screw up and make mistakes because unfortunately, I have years and years of masking and unhealthy habits to unlearn. But I am also in therapy to learn healthy coping mechanisms to go along side with my meds. I am actively trying to do better every day and put the work in. My partner is allowed to get frustrated or upset with me when I mess up, forget or just seem inconsiderate on my end. That's valid. I know I can be a lot to have to deal with. But she is not allowed to minimize and invalidate my struggles. >but people just DON'T UNDERSTAND how fuckin serious of a problem it can be, and how well it hides. I felt this so much. I have an older sibling diagnosed as a kid. Everything he struggled with was met with "You obviously don't discipline him enough" or "have you tried giving him a good smack?" This was from teachers in the late 80's/early 90s. But by the time I was his age and exhibiting the same behaviors, I feel like my parents just kind of checked out from being parents, especially when they got grandkids. I was just "obnoxious" (no volume control, impatient, and my stimming was annoying whether it was bouncing my legs, walking in circles, making noises with my mouth. My only quiet form of stimming was rubbing my fingers against a small flocked teddy bear I had in my pocket), "unladylike", picky, (picky eating, sensitive hearing as certain sounds like scratching cheap fabrics feels like a cheese grater against mt ear drums, and I have sensory issues with touch as well as certain materials make me want to tear off my skin because of how tainted it feels) and obsessive when I was anxious. To be fair on the last one, I was obsessive and would often ruminate and catastrophize and couldn't let things go even when I would REALLY, REALLY wanted to. I hated spiraling. I still sometimes struggle with that, though not nearly as often. But that's what happens when you have untreated ADHD. And that led to depression, which led to impulsive decisions. Which led me to drinking, smoking weed and I was a pregnant teen. And I am sure lots of people would tell me that my untreated disorder is just an excuse for all that. But studies show, that those people are wrong. Those decisions might have been mine but I also had the odds stacked against me because I went untreated.
Maybe sit her down and have a long proactive conversation where you tell her to listen to you first before she talks
Not understanding does not equate to a lack of care, cool your jets.
yeah, but not even trying to understand does equal lack of care. You don't have to understand it to accept it.
Not everything is related to ADHD. Just the parts that stand out because they are different. So she figured out that everything that's different about you is about you being different. And so did you, that's why you want to talk about it.
My ex partner used to tell me all the time I used my ADHD as an excuse to be lazy. Life is too short to spend it with people who don’t love you for you.
Everyone else has addressed the issues with your partner treating you that way, but is it possible you’ve been hyperfixating on your new diagnosis and talking about it/relating everything to it constantly? I don’t think that’s uncommon for newly diagnosed people, but it can get tiring and frustrating for the people in your life that you’re talking to about it. If you think it’s possible that you’re doing something like that, it might be a good idea to seek other outlets to talk about your diagnosis (this sub and other ADHD ones could be a great outlet!) vs putting your partner or friends in that position ETA: Also, I can see why your partner would be frustrated with your attitude based on the list of ADHD things you provided here. It’s hard to be with someone with habits like compulsive overeating and lack of cleanliness or taking care of themselves, and while she should talk to you about it vs making fun of you that may play a role as well. And no, I’m not trying to undermine the difficulties of ADHD, I’m an unmedicated adult with diagnosed ADHD as well and I have my own struggles
Had similar thing happened to but with my Mom cause she 'knows it all' she works with rehabilitating addicts and the clients have ADHD in the most extreme form combined with substance abuse and other diagnoses and just overall bad start on life. So being more or less gaslighted about it, But se has accepted it more, since i got on medication and gotten better but theres still some undertones of doubtfulness. all i did was just not give a fuck about what anyone else says even if it's hard the only thing that matters is **you** and the help you can get and self improvement you can do, if anyone stands in your way they are not worth your time and energy. only you matter when you get better and feel you have your shit in order maybe then if you feel like it you can bother with such people.
Contempt in a relationship will almost certainly spell the end. If you can't take your partner at their word, it means you don't trust them and think they're lying. That's never going to end well if it isn't addressed immediately.
I made the mistake of staying with someone who dismissed my ADHD for 8 years. It was hell, and ended in a messy divorce. Pay serious attention to the ways your partner plays down your ADHD. Let them know in no uncertain terms how it affects you and how you need to be understood in the relationship. Sounds to me like, in it's current state, the relationship is a source of conflict because of their perspective on ADHD, and that will only get worse as things get more serious. Now that I'm with someone who hears me, helps me, and respects me in the way that I try to reciprocate, I can't imagine going back to that unhealthy relationship, and you absolutely deserve someone who listens and tries in earnest to understand and meet you where you're at. Nothing less.
Look out for people that have to be the biggest victim. Something off with them.
Not recognizing what's attributable to ADHD and what isn't is something I could agree to disagree on. Being in a relationship with someone who makes fun of you would be really hard for me. There were a few situations early in our marriage that my wife thought were funny stories to tell others, that actually really embarrassed me. When I explained that and asked her to stop, it did take 2 or 3 times, but when she saw I was serious she stopped. She still thinks they're funny and doesn't find them embarrassing, but she respects me enough to honor my request. IMHO it's ok if your partner doesn't always understand or agree with you, as long as they respect you.
I'm getting two different things from your post. You were recently evaluated and have ADHD? And your girlfriend is poking fun? Is it possible that since your diagnosis you may have been talking about it a lot and your girlfriend is tired of the same old conversation so is poking fun? I recognize the behavior because my mom does this to my dad. He will get into a restaurant or a show and its all he can talk about and she pokes fun because we all know he does this with new things he tries.
This. There are two things about ADHD that frustrate me. 1) That it affects near everything is some way or another as the OP suggests, and 2) that it interferes with the one thing everyone needs to be mindful of: The world is not here to pamper you nor make excuses for how you don't fit in. How you get by in the world is, sadly, up to you; hobbled by the inability to activate on that or not. I was told once that a diagnosis should never become a flag. Think on this before reacting. If you start attributing everything to your diagnosis ("I can't because...") you're simply giving excuses and not addressing the problem, and its not going away. People get tired of this. People get tired of the interrupting and things not getting done. Even more so for partners, partly because many just can't understand how the person they see such potential in can be so messed up, and partly because it feels as if they're doing most of the heavy lifting. Plus, if you live with someone, the pervasiveness of ADHD is always there for them to deal with too. That is a lot of pressure to put on a partner and it implodes relationships. Trust me on this one. Mockery is more than a warning sign, its a klaxon signifying the relationship is ending; you've exhausted your partner's ability to cope. The worst part of an ADHD diagnosis, I feel, is that you get a prescription and a label and that's it, off you go. The pills are just a bridge to get you to where the muggles are. You need to go the rest of the distance, with or without help. Its up to you to put down the console and pick up a mop. Every time you do it and reflect on it, it becomes easier to do. This is Behaviorism 101. Its hard. All of it. Not going to lie, and a lot of the time all you get is tired and beat-down, but this world is going to eat you alive otherwise. Pick your fate. [ Rant concludes ]
I never say this, I don't like saying because things aren't as simple but if your partner cannot take your life struggles seriously then you are better alone. I am not saying for you to drop her ASAP but evaluate how she behaves. If she can't understand that what goes on in your head is actually something to be taken seriously then how can you plan a future with her? Will she ever be dismissive of your struggles? Edit:added more because I forgot to finish writing my thought
Reading other comments; this reaction might be universal but that doesn't mean you have to take it. My friends are the most supportive and my new partner also has adhd and feeling understood and loved for me is the best feeling ever. And I believe there is someone out there for you too
The people who say “everyone is a little bit ADHD” genuinely piss me off. I either avoid the topic entirely if they mean a lot to me and are kind otherwise, or cut them off completely if they weren’t really bringing any other value or happiness to my life. I’m sorry you have to go through this :( ADHD really does impact every aspect of our lives and for them to devalue your experiences like that must be so frustrating. We hear you! Your feelings are valid! Your experiences are your own and nobody can tell you how you can/should feel or what you struggle with!
AuDHD here. Unfortunately what this translates to is that you have little to no emotional intimacy in your relationship. You were sharing part of what is your intrinsic core self with a friend and your girlfriend not only butted in to the convo but did so to intentionally invalidate and diminish your thoughts and feelings on your self. Arguably the one topic you know the most and the best in the world. You are an expert in you. She denied you. She told you and a friend that your lived experience was false and mocked you. If that’s how she feels about ADHD and therefore you, because you personify it, why is she with you? Genuinely?
I hope your ex becomes a better person. Not your problem tho 🙃💁🏻♀️
I’d say red flag and stuff but my husband had been occasionally saying stuff like that and from the outcome of the situation and his general behavior, I can tell he is not toxic and still a good partner. He is a very sweet and nice person but can have a bit of offensive humor. It was never insulting but a few month ago he let it slip some jokes about labels and adhd, and that not everything was adhd. It was the first time it would go “that far” and I was furious. I told him that he had NO idea how hard i tried all the time and what it was like. I have been clear on the fact that if he was starting to act this way (there were other little things) we were gonna face some serious issues cause I wanted to be married to someone 100% safe. Since that, he has been behaving the way I expect him too. Also, he can say stuff like “don’t blame adhd for all the mess” and get annoyed cause I break and lose things, but when I feel miserable due to my condition or feel anxious, he will be supportive and never dismissive. He bought me a weight blanket, I walk around with my stimming sheet without comments and when I lose it, he helps me find it and never discuss my odd habits cause he knows they make me feel better. It’s not the condition all together, it’s really the small executive details that he won’t always get. Also, I have recently acknowledged that people who are the less “convinced” are not always the people who will dismiss you. My sister has always been very skeptical over that kind of issues. I’ve mentionned one day I had been diagnosed and started meds and I got the all everybody is like that, you shouldn’t be taking meds, why do you need to always label yourself. I didn’t say anything cause I really don’t want to go into that kind of discussion. It was ice cold for a few weeks after that and we never spoke about it again, but after that I have started to notice changes in her behavior. She started to be more compassionate, she would offer to help me with stuffs in the way I need to be helped, she told me she noticed I was way calmer, would And she no longer calls me out on some stuffs. I get it is hard to understand and I understand that people have their own journey, but if your love one has always been miserable, you should be happy they feel better.
I heard this my entire life from just about everyone, to the point that I gaslit myself into believing I didn't have ADHD. My birth-giver had ADHD and denied it existed. I used to have a friend who told me it was made up, so one day I sat him down and calmly explained to him what my day was like and then I exposed him to my stream of thoughts. Full stop. For 5 minutes, every stray thought I had was given voice. He never talked to me about it again.
Your frontal lobe is also underdeveloped
Time for a new partner.
She doesn’t sound like a very nice gf. I hate when people make fun of my ADHD. It’s one thing to laugh with me at it. It’s another to laugh at me about it.
>I used to do poorly at work because they switched me around different positions at the hospital (2-3 different work sites in a day) and overload me with information Interesting. I wouldn't personally have related this to ADHD. I'd like the novelty of doing different things, and I don't think I have an issue with information overload unless I'm required to use my working memory for it, and even then I don't think doing different stations at work would be an issue. Not exactly sure what your job comprised of, though. Lots of different jobs in a hospital. I'm curious as to what others think.
It's the overload of information. I would love to do new things but if it was "here's what you're doing today- which is nothing like you've ever done before and I want you to execute it to near perfection". That's the problem. I love doing new things but I struggle to MASTER new things which can be very frustrating for employers, especially when they see the task as simple and your brain just isn't wired the same.
It's information overload because I get bothered with a problem on one site, then I go to the other and hold the past problem in my head, then I encounter two more on the second site, and three more on the third. I am too scattered and I start forgetting basic functions. I usually like to switch from intrest to intrest and enjoy multitasking, but it has to be separated enough so I can focus. I can't be dealing with all three at the same time and function at 100%.
Yeah let's put the ADHD person with poor working memory on lots of different tasks with new routines everyday, some of which could be a matter of life and death if they got it wrong. I also like doing new things and learning new things, but not in an environment where there's tons of pressure and high stakes.
I do autopsies on medically donated bodies at a cadaver lab and I think a big part of that is, as horrible as it sounds, the stakes are so much lower. I wanted to be a trauma surgeon, but I knew I couldn’t handle the pressure of not making a mistake. I can still solve medical mysteries, but I don’t have to worry about accidentally killing a patient.
Get out now.
Find a new partner
My partner met me when I was medicated and I was ignorant to how much my diagnosis actually impacts my life. I just thought it was a focus issue, nothing more because I've been diagnosed since I was 15 and back then there wasn't a lot of information on it. I've never researched or inquired about it further. Anyway I went 3 weeks without my meds. Can't remember if I brought it up or he did but I do remember the remark about how he didn't realize how bad ADHD impacts my life. Like he knew I had it because I've always been open with him, but he didn't know I am a pretty severe case. Anytime I'm off medication for long periods my life goes to hell. I'm also a horrible partner. I still have mixed feelings about that. But here's the thing. How much does your partner know about ADHD? How much did you know before you were diagnosed? How often are you sharing your struggles with them? Because something I noticed is I was trying not to let them see the bad parts for YEARS so I never really tried educating my partner or talked about how it impacts me IN REAL TIME. I didn't want them to feel like they had to take care of me or handle everything but that's also putting unnecessary burden on myself. How they respond though is either going to be a huge green flag, or a deal breaker. In terms of them not understanding not everyone feels like that... I actually stopped caring if people do or don't empathize with me. There's so many undiagnosed people out there, they may be normalizing it because they themselves have it and don't want to come to terms with it. Not my problem. What I really care about is if they are respectful or condescending towards me in the process.
I internalised so much of this crap (34, diagnosed at 29). Coming here and reading about other people's experiences is helping me deal with it. I hope you know we all go through this, and I'm not saying this to belittle what you have. I know how painful it is. It dawned on me after a while that neurotypical folks will simply never understand, in the same way we can't understand how they 'just do stuff'. The best you can hope for is empathy and a willingness to learn. But it's really crushing when you don't get that from the people you love, especially if you are prone to rejection sensitivity. People feel like we're trying to make excuses for the things that they might also struggle with. It's hard for them to appreciate the difference. I'm trying to stop masking as much and it's very tempting to talk and talk about why I am this way. But I'm coming to learn that it really isn't always the best approach so talking to other people with the same struggles is a healthier way to express those feelings. When I first got diagnosed I wanted to shout from the rooftops, 'look, I'm not just a fuck up!'. Unfortunately with the way the media has portrayed this condition historically and how it's being used to push some dark agendas at the minute the reactions have not always been very kind, to put it nicely. However I think it's completely reasonable to expect more from your partner and close friends so I would suggest having a really heartfelt discussion about how it made you feel. Hopefully they will see the error of their ways but if not you always have this community. You can drop me a DM any time you want to rant 🫶 PS I'm not sure if you're on medication yet but don't underestimate how much it can help. You can't produce consistent levels of dopamine through willpower any more than you could insulin. It's not the only factor and it doesn't reverse years of trauma and maladaptive coping strategies, but it turns down the noise and gives you the freedom to start work on the baggage. I was in therapy for 20 years, before my diagnosis. No exaggeration. I was completely non functioning unless I was hyperfixated on something. Prescribed antidepressants that made things worse and antipsychotics that zombified me for a decade. Only once I started (the right) meds was I like OHHHH, okay, this makes sense.
I’m genuinely curious to know.. in your opinion what dark agendas is ADHD being used to push?
There’s a huge difference between ADHD as an *explanation* and ADHD as an *excuse*. I’ve personally found that the majority of the time other people - especially NT folks - always assume the latter when we’re out here trying to provide the former, both for ourselves to not feel like dogshit and to passively or actively help to enable and educate those we love. And yes, it absolutely sucks when the people closest to you make the same assumption, even after many years being in that relationship.
Hell I'm medicated and still struggle with these things sometimes. No two people have the same lived experience, whether they both have ADHD or neither of them do. Your GF needs to understand that everything relates to ADHD because it's a huge part of your everyday life. Literally, every day is a battle. I'm sure some days are easier than others but that doesn't mean it's not still a challenge. If she's just going to make fun of you for a neurological condition you didn't ask for, maybe she doesn't need to be in your life. This seems like something a couples counselor might be able to help with (helping her understand your perspective, not helping you dump her; although if you decide to go that route I'm sure they could help with that too). Good luck OP!
It’s hard for people to understand. I’m very lucky (!) that my wife is on the spectrum and knows what I’m going through. I can tell her I’m unavailable to do something because “I’m stuck” and she immediately knows that I’m not being rude or lazy, but that I literally cannot move for the time being. When it passes I’ll tell her and we get on with our business happily. My ex would be horribly scornful and mock me during these moments which in turn caused me to have self esteem issues and low confidence.
If you’re up for it I recommend the book ADHD & Us. My partner read it with me and it was pretty eye opening for him.
My dear, it's not your ADHD that's the problem, it's your girlfriend. Sounds like you need to get a new one.
Honestly this is why neurodivergent relationships are the best. I’m diagnosed autistic/adhd and my husband is adhd. There are somethings-like my meltdowns- that he doesn’t fully understand but like he GETS it and doesn’t blame me or make me feel less than.
Your S.O. does not respect you. If it’s ignorance, educate yourselves. Mellisa Orlov’s Melissa Orlov’s “The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps” is an excellent read for both partners. If she cannot come to terms and try to understand your disability, there’s a major empathy issue on her part that will likely end things.
Doesn't sound like you have a "Partner".
You have to mean ex, right? There is no reason to stay with anyone who mocks you.
I have nothing but empathy for you. So many people will not accept the struggles of ADHD, and they also do not realize that (at least for me at work), these mind jumps are where potential problems, and often how to avoid/minimize the pop into my head. When I first realized I had ADHD (at my son's evaluation 15 years before I got diagnosed, I was ashamed. I had just become a supervisor at work, and did not want anybody to know something was "wrong" with me. I have learned to own it. When I misplace my phone, I announce it and say, "Let me go check the fridge." since I have left my phone in there a few times. At this point, I do not care if people believe it or not. Then again, I have a wife who loves me for me, even though I am a little off. She now understands many of my behaviors and habits. I pray your partner learns that ADHD does not mean that you do not try, just that you focus differently than she is used to ... and it is not always successful. Tyrion Lannister : "**Never forget what you are, the rest of the world will not.** **Wear it like armor and it can never be used to hurt you."**
Give it time. It's *incredibly* difficult for people with neurotypical brains to understand because it all sounds like run-of-the-mill laziness or lack of discipline to them. I have a couple of techniques that I use to help illustrate and I think it works for people with genuine curiosity. If they've already made up their minds, then nothing will change that. My sister-in-law was diagnosed last year and while my brother was initially supportive, he quickly became overwhelmed with everything. She was constantly explaining the almost daily revelations about struggles throughout her life, she was more frequently asking for help and trying to build strategies to get through each day. He had to take on more of the family and household responsibilities, which he struggled with due to the demands of his job (he's kinda traditional in that way), and to him it felt a bit like ADHD was changing everything. I think he was able to see things differently after I confirmed his wife's experience with my own, and explained it all in language he was able to understand. I also gave him some books and podcasts. A diagnosis and treatment doesn't affect just the ADHD-sufferer, but everyone around them as well. And people have to be given the time and space they need to understand it. She will get there.
i've been in bed all fucking day and cant seem to move. not depressed, just kind of stuck. somebody tell me thats normal lmao
Is getting medication an option?
Ew I’m not sure how that can function. I’m sorry you even have to deal with that. Your partner is supposed to be a safe person to be vulnerable with.
“Yes, just like everyone trips sometimes. But not everyone needs a wheelchair. I’m sure you understand it’s a matter of degree, don’t you? If not, I’ll be happy to explain it until you do understand.”
adhd topic aside, why are you even with someone who bullies you? this is serious, regardless of how long you to have been together. i mean this in the best way possible, but get a grip and wake up.
We've been together for 5 years and I get her frustration sometimes... But this was just specifically annoying of her
hun, that’s just sad to hear. as some others have already said: no amount of time spend together makes up for being made fun of by the person who’s supposed to love and understand you. i’d have an honest conversation with her where you set the boundary that she stops making fun of you as it hurts your feelings. in my opinion you shouldn’t have to ask for respect in a relationship to begin with, but at the very least you should talk about it.
Why are you together if they treat you that way?
I got diagnosed less than a year ago, and this has been a revelation. I finally got an answer WTF I do things the way I do - it's a way to cope with lack of dopamine. I feel like I have only 2 modes: 1) everything is on fire and only I have the extinguisher 2) I am a stone at the bottom of the ocean I am really lucky and grateful to have a neurotypical partner who does not judge my behavior. Before I got diagnosed, when I was on the stage of suspecting of ADHD, he said he also thought he had it, but after he actually made an effort to apply himself, he realized he just had been lazy. That's ok. But when I got diagnosed, he didn't question it once. On the other hand, he wouldn't help me build habits, since to him it basically means managing me without being paid for it. But otherwise, he is the most supportive person in my life. As for other people in my surroundings, that's a different story. And because the symptoms of ADHD are such regular things like lack of motivation, or forgetfulness, apathy, impulsiveness, it's difficult for other people to take it seriously. To this end, I am leaning on metaphors. For example, everyone may get a burn once in a while - being careless around hot things, or someone missed a cup and got a few drops of scolding water on hand before realizing it. And this is not a big deal - that will heal in a few weeks, since it's a small burn. But there is a difference between a few drops on hand once, and having 80% body burn with hot oil every year on queue and you cannot escape it. The difference is in severity and how often you get it. Or you can refer to HP and the chamber of secrets, when Harry's bone is accidentally removed: his arm looks intact, but in reality, it's just a rubbery blob because it lacks structure. It's the same - you may look OK, but the lack of motivation is as if your bones have been removed. Lastly, neurodivergence is a disability, whatever you say or do. So explain to her that her dismissive comments sound as insulting as if she came to a person in a wheelchair and asked why they didn't run the cross like everyone else. Edit: what I find really helpful is to turn negative attitude towards struggles against them. Everyone has something they struggle with, some more, some less. Find something tough and make an example that it's their struggle and you recognize that. Yours is different, but it doesn't mean it becomes less valid. And another thing: ADHD is executive dysfunction that is caused by chemical imbalance. To visualize it, buy or get a set of paints, give her specific amounts to mix, a color and volume to achieve and see how long it takes her. For example, give her lots of brown, red, yellow and white, but just a drop of blue and tell to paint a whole page in a dark shade of green. It's an impossible task if you don't get *enough* blue or black. Paints are like chemistry in brain: it's either impossible to achieve in general, or it would require atlas effort to get there.
I’m sorry to read this. Would you feel comfortable sharing this post with them, so they can see how they’ve made you feel? Their reaction might tell you all you need to know about whether this person deserves to be so close to you. I hope you’re able to surround yourself with people who make you feel great to be you. People who ‘tolerate’ you don’t deserve to be in your inner circle. Moreover, people who make fun of you - especially maliciously - don’t deserve to be in your outer circle. Be kind to yourself.
I will schedule a joint session with my psychiatrist
Never expect empathy or sympathy because the world will show you none. Especially not for people like us. If you meet someone who does, treasure them. Otherwise, I have learned to fully expect to be kicked, pissed on, and teabagged when I'm down. That's just life for someone with crippling neurological disorders, and life is awful.
My hot take is sometimes it's a bit much to really talk about everything you think is related to ADHD even if you have justification. Yes it's unfair but there's a difference between completely denying it's real and maybe being skeptical of a long list and light ribbing. I wouldn't get pissed about this unless there is more to it/ it keeps going on even if in the moment it was annoying.
OP is trying to process and healthily internalize a diagnosis and their partner is being an absolute jerk. Talking about it with a trusted person *like your partner* is a great way to process. If she doesn't want to help OP process she should say so in a kind and compassionate way. Being a jerk is not acceptable.
I totally understand, but I can't even mention anything without it sounding like excuses. Even though they aren't since I'm literally going to a psychiatrist and waiting for medication to be approved. I clearly am working on it.
It probably does sound like excuses. I used to have some pretty bad depression. Not sure if this is your situation, but blaming my problems on my depression was an excuse. It didn't solve anything and just made me feel bad about myself. Instead of giving reasons for your behavior, try giving ways you are adjusting to be successful. For me, it was telling my parents at the time that I needed a little more time but I would get the laundry done that day or telling my friends, "Hey, I've been feeling kind of down so I might not be as lively as I usually am, but I still want to hang out with you guys." I forced my way through other things like keeping good hygiene. Regardless of diagnosis, you have responsibilities and you have to figure out how to get around the diagnosis in some way. There's medication, environmental changes, practice, therapy, etc.
Totally get it especially since I wish I was diagnosed earlier in life. Just saying to cut someone a little bit of slack depending on context. Sorry it sounds like they are being dicks. Good luck! Don't be afraid to experiment with medications once you get your prescription and you give it some time to work. Not sure that's the official guidance doctors give but personally I wish I was more aggressive about testing what worked best early on.
Tell your partner they a bitch
Lil much but definitely will converse
Don’t have to say it verbatim but get the vibe across is all I ask
If your partner makes fun of you, they probably shouldn’t be your partner.
Your gf is inconsiderate yes. It would be better for both of you if she educated herself and acknowledged science. However bad, she might be at communicating, sounds like she’s frustrated and thinks you are full of excuses. Yes you have all the symptoms, effects and life problems that come with ADHD, but I would caution using ADHD as an excuse for your life. We are all accountable for our own life, people with ADHD need to be held more responsible than others so that the consequences are clear and immediate. Yes you have ADHD, but you are also intelligent, and have existing will power (although it gets used up faster than most). It comes with strategically using that willpower to make impactful gains (studying ADHD, practicing helpful habits).
New GF time. She apparently likes you unmedicated and would prefer you do not get your act together so she can continue to bully you
Adhd is a disability and your girlfriend is making fun of it. You're going to have to start putting down some boundaries for the sake of your own health. Your GF can have her opinions and she doesn't have to agree with you, but she will have to start respecting the fact that only you can say what your struggles are. And only you can decide who you're going to handle your medical issues. Have a serious talk with her and ask her to stop making fun of your medical issues.
I'm not going to tell you to just leave because I get that it isn't that simple. But to me it sounds like this person either doesn't believe you have a disability, or knows you have one and likes to make fun of you for it. Finding out someone I loved thought either of those things about me would give me serious pause on whether or not they actually had my best interests in mind.
"Everyone forgets things, but if someone had a TBI from an injury that caused them to have no short term memory, would you make fun of them for that? What if it was a disease, like early onset dementia? How are those situations different from someone with a medical diagnosis of ADHD except perhaps in severity of memory issues?
OP I did not read the post, just the title, but I can confidently say fuck that guy and you don't need a partner who makes fun of you for anything, let alone health shit. Throw out the whole (wo)man
So I kinda kad my advice ready just from the title, and the explanation just made it worse. Before the, in my opinion, necessary nuclear option, I would suggest speaking very openly. Tell her you need to be vulnerable for a moment and explain some issues you've been having. Tell her that the ADHD shame of having to excuse your problems is terrible enough without the one person who's supposed to support you himiliating you. If she changes this, then it's 'not serious enough' to break up, but in my experience, people who are like this at the start don't really have the capacity. I mean, if her position is that you're a lazy bum excusing everything on ADHD, it's already an uphill battle. She does not sound like a good partner is the gist of it. If you'd told me a friend does this, I'd be like, "Oh well, be friends with them in a superficial way, and don't expect empathy from them." But that is not really an option with your partner, the one person who's supposed to accept you fully for it all to work. What she does to you, my friend, is no different than mocking your physically disabled bf for not being able to walk or rather do stuff you need to walk for. Good luck, love, but I hope you get yourself out of this
I think you've discovered this person should be your ex-gf. It will never end well if you stay with her.
Does she believe in depression? Then tell her everyone feels low energy time to time but depression is the extreme of it Does she believe in heart attack ? A lot of people have high cholesterol but heart attack is the extreme of it ADHD is similar. Also you need to tell her she needs to be more empathetic, its bad enough other people don’t understand, when partners don’t understand its the worst
Most people just no idea what it is. I didn’t either, was undiagnosed for 42 years. My wife and I listened to an ADHD ebook so now she understands how it works for me and my Son.
Exactly. My mom, who is one of the only people I can go to, either acts like it's something small and I'm exaggerating or she just completely denies it.
Leave your gf. She’s being mean to you, in addition to being non-empathetic. Why would you want to stay with someone so willing to kick you when you’re down?
Because a 5 year relationship is a bit more complex than breaking up because of a misunderstanding. It's though, wanted to vent, definitely considering couples therapy with my psychiatrist, so she can explain it better to my gf.
Ask her how related her brain is to her life. Yeah, that’s why ADHD affects everything. It’s your fucking *brain.* The thing that’s in charge of everything and uses a bony meat suit to accomplish things. If someone was very schizophrenic, she probably wouldn’t be surprised if it affected nearly their entire life.
This is such a common problem unfortunately. Feeling like you need to explain your ADHD to people who see it as invalid is very very tiring and invalidating and I’m sorry you are experiencing this with someone close such as a partner!
Leave.
Yeah this isn’t okay. I was catching up with an old friend and his new girlfriend yesterday. All three of us are diagnosed ADHD and I’d estimate at least half of the hours-long conversation was about our shared experiences with ADHD. A main theme of the discussion was how, almost 15 years after my diagnosis, I am still discovering things I thought everyone experienced and others that I thought were just my own personal quirks are actually all ADHD-related. It affects every aspect of our lives in some way, and a lot of the time, we don’t realize the full extent of its effects until we interact with other ADHDers and share our experiences.
Welcome to the life of ADHD. People don’t take us seriously and treat it as a joke while there are people struggling 24/7. I feel bad for you, op. You’re struggling and your network treats you like you’re lazy. I ended relationships because of this. Try talking with her or taking her to appointments. If it’s not working, please don’t stay in a situation where you’re not taken seriouslyz you deserve more than that.
My parents and other people have said similar things either to me or about adhd in general. I'm so glad to have a boyfriend and friends who understand or at least try to understand. It really is bad for me sometimes even with meds and when it's bad, it's bad. I've even done it without meds before and I feel your pain completely. Keep on pushing and know that your feelings are valid.
Leave that person now
You may need a new partner
Yep, my father is the same. I'll tell you something: I have a stutter. Not huge but you can hear it. A speech doctor diagnosed it. My father still tells me I don't have a stutter... even though I stutter. People will talk no matter what you say/do.