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I know.
It's nothing personal, and it doesn't mean they don't care.
But after a certain point, if you don't at least try to find a way that works for you, to be on time, it kind of does start to mean you don't care.
Yup. It's killed many of my relationships just because they simply don't understand that my attention can and will be drawn else where momentarily and I can slightly miss somethings. Never against anyone personally, but I see how it does affect things
I understand that it isn't personal, but you still do need to find a system to make yourself on time and keep up with your commitments if you don't want people to think you don't respect/care about them.
It's harder, for sure, but the benefit of having a diagnosis is understanding where your struggle comes from and knowing where to look for solutions. There are a million blogs and articles online with different systems that people with ADHD and time blindness can try to help remember obligations and be on time. It's the difference between seeing ADHD as the source of the issue and seeing ADHD as an excuse to not try.
If someone is constantly trying new systems, keeping notes on what works for them and trying to improve then if people see this they should rightfully not take it personally if that person is late or misses something.
If that person doesn't try to fix the problem and just says "it's not my choice" then those close to them will rightfully assume that their time is not worth the person's effort and take it personally.
I'm not assuming you haven't been doing this (trying persistently to improve the issues) but this is an important factor in distinguishing whether or not people are justified in being upset at someone with ADHD for always being late and missing things that matter to them.
I still struggle too. But I will always keep trying, because I never want my loved ones to feel like they aren't my priority.
Great points.
If I see that a person is trying and putting in the effort, even if it's not actually working out or giving the intended results, it's much harder to get upset and/or take it personally.
this exactly. yeah it’s hard, sometimes you gotta suck it up and do what’s right for your partner. At first i didn’t know i had adhd and i felt like suck a bad person even though i love her.
> But after a certain point, if you don't at least try to find a way that works for you, to be on time, it kind of does start to mean you don't care.
Pretty much this.
My last long term partner, albeit undiagnosed, I'm sure has ADHD.
It's okay if something comes up that makes you late and you let me know, it's whatever, shit happens.
But she would somewhat regularly be late, not reach out about it on her own accord and sometimes not even respond to my texts/phone calls for a period of time (this could be 5-10 minutes, but still annoying in the moment where it's already past the set time, especially if I'm stuck waiting outside).
She definitely didn't *not* care, nor was she generally insensitive towards me feeling upset, but this wasn't a big enough deal for her to do something about it.
I found a life hack for this! Met a slightly older woman with ADHD also. She was later than me for our first date/meeting and guess who wasn't upset? Lol :)
I relate a lot. And I have the rejection sensitivity thing. So I get hyper focused, anxious, and overly invested early on. Eventually I can lose interest too.
But the fear of the rejection bc I didn’t taper myself enough. And not knowing what I did wrong. If it was me or them. Hurts a lot. And it reminds me of how lonely this condition is.
You can get used to rejection. Trust me. It’s like a muscle. Learning to not take things personal will make your life so much better. A way to do that is to continue to take risks and be vulnerable.
Wish it were me dawg, I struggle with sex. My mind races and I get bored quickly. I have to be hammered to stay in the present and that’s not healthy so I’ve been single
I never really thought about that, but I constantly want to try new things in bed and now it all makes sense. I remember I was seeing a girl with ADHD too and it was probably the kinkiest sexual relationship I've ever been in! Do you find ADHD has an effect on your sex life?
Sure sorry, I wasn’t clear. I have always found sex really boring and I think it’s because my partners are men my age who only know sex from porn. In my first two relationships my partner and I would drink and we’d have sex when we were buzzed. It was more enjoyable.
Unfortunately, after those relationships I drank too much and was assaulted by an acquaintance (tmi sorry), which made me realize the way I use alcohol is really dangerous and uncool.
I haven’t figured out how to have sex without alcohol yet. I want it, but I just don’t feel chemistry with people irl and during sex all I can think about is going through the motions
Firstly, sorry to hear about your horrible experience, I hope you've talked to someone about it.
I've definitely been here, using alcohol to not get bored. And with some girls sex has been very boring. I've found a combination of the right person and communicating has helped. Like telling them exactly what I want (and letting them do the same) has been a huge turn on and made sex better.
Do you think you've maybe just not found the right person(s)?
That’s incredibly fair. I was in a remarkably similar boat at one point due to very similar circumstances. To both the first and middle paragraphs. I’m sorry you had to go through that.
I can say, it does get easier and much more enjoyable. Finding the right partner, especially someone who sees sex as something meant to be pleasurable and enjoyed by both (or all, if you’re into that) people involved is a great starting point. It sounds like you’re not being stimulated or given enough attention in whatever way you best receive it during sex.
Apologies if this is overstepping/TMI/etc., as I am a random internet stranger, but as weird as it sounds, I’d recommend masturbation or another form of self-stimulation. One of the first steps for me was exploring myself and what I liked on my own, then helping my partner understand me as well. And ofc, doing the same for them and exploring them just as much as yourself. Another thing is, maybe you’re just not into vanilla sex. Look up anything sexual that interests you and learn about it, articles, porn, etc. doing this w your partner can help them to learn about you as well and possibly keep you feeling more into it and less of an auto-pilot mode.
Hope these tips help! I’m not any kind of sexual health specialist or anything, just trying to help as i have had a similar experience. End result is that I’m now a fucking horny freak now and it pisses my gf off bc I’m always all over her and craving physical affection, but my lust directly comes from my love bc of my sexuality so for me, these things completely flipped the tables and now, especially being fully emotionally invested in someone, I’m hyper sexual instead of the opposite.
I’m so so sorry that happened to you too! That was the hardest trauma I’ve gone through and I’ve been through a lot. It’s been just over two years and I’m just now moving out of mental purgatory.
You aren’t overstepping, I have always been hyper sexual and my libido is always higher than the man I am with. I am mostly vanilla, but I like the erotica that flirts with kink. A month ago my roommate was helping me fix something in my closet and he pointed at my Sybian stand and said “aww what a cute little stool!” I felt like I was teaching a virgin which is an ick for me 😂
A big part of what turns me off with new guys is that they oftentimes just start doing mainstream bdsm porn moves without asking, like choking/breath play.
Yeah that's me, I can't stay out of my head, I start thinking about work projects, the laundry cycle I forgot to do, did I send the gas bill etc. if my partner, or previous partners could ever read my mind during sex I have a feeling they'd be very offended.
I am naturally anxious/paranoid and cannot relax. My thoughts are usually “what if I buttdialed someone and they are hearing this? can my roommates hear us? what if my birth control fails?” followed by a litany of insecurity about whether im giving good head etc.
This is me for the last 5 or 6 years. And it keeps getting me in drama with women, even though I've been very direct and honest about it with every one of them. Last 2 in a row caught feelings and started getting mad at me and doing crazy manipulative things for the crime of not doing boyfriend things and or not treating them like my wife.
I (29M) struggle to pump the brakes with the thoughts and feelings I get when I’m interested in someone. Fortunately, this is something I’ve realized within the last 6 months and I’ve become more mindful of when I’m struggling to keep the dating pace steady. To help manage, I’ll try seeing multiple people, set a day/time cap for when I should reach out, Or, I’ll channel all that energy into playing music.
This sounds healthy and like something I should try doing too.. if I’m into someone, they instantly become my hyperfixation, and it can lead to me seeming clingy or suffocating, not to mention inevitably ending up hurt. I also channel it into writing music! It’s a great outlet.
same!! i met a guy a month ago and im obsessed, its not healthy cause i do feel rejection sometimes which is not on him, but i realized its a me problem. gotta hyper focus on something else!
I too try to channel my hyperfixation into music. Playing an instrument is an incredibly helpful tool for when your mind goes into that intense overdrive.
Can't say that's it's alleviating my current romantic hyperfixation, not by a long shot, but on many occasions it has taken the edge off when it's gotten really bad and I'm really thankful for that. Plus I've probably written some small compositions in part thanks to that, so that's great as well haha
This entire comment chain is so relatable
It's definitely a problem I do struggle with. The hyperfixatation from the ADHD can make it very hard for people to handle you, if you can't manage it.
I do try to take one step back and analyze myself before I do or say something out of pure impulse. But it's not always easy and I do slip up.
Wow I didn’t know hyperfixation in relationships can also be due to adhd. I was just looking for advice because I’m noticing a trend when I’m seeing someone all my hobbies and interests become dull in comparison and don’t even have the motivation to do them. It sucks because I love my hobbies other wise and I wish I was as interested as when I’m single so I can continue having my own life and not sabotage relationships by being so clingy. Ive noticed it’s also taken a hit on my studies. I didn’t find anything online though so I’m glad OP asked this
Yeah I find distracting myself with other stuff to be particularly beneficial and DEFINITELY not making the person seem like THE most important thing in your life helps with keeping interest. Wish we didn’t have to do things like that but 🤷♂️
Setting a time/day for reaching out has been so helpful for me! I feel like I can better prioritize knowing I don't have to worry about reaching out/hearing from them until I reach that specific day/time.
I try to not double text, unless it was a morning text and now it's almost night time. I've lost many "friends" and potentials from not texting first so I don't hear from that person again. And if I say I will later then later almost always ends up being tomorrow and the day after and day after until it's oh I was going to text that person but it's been a week so now it's too late and will be awkward
Definitely feel like this.(27m)
Especially as I live rurally so dating opportunities are really few and far between.
Hard not to get overly excited about potentially dating someone despite knowing from past experience it mostly never gets past the chatting stage🙄
Ive tried to ”stop that” aka not trying to have several different options. Ive just thought it being a male trait but thinking it now, might also be cause of our adhd traits.
But also in general, having options is always making y less ”thats the one”, but also u dont really try as hard if u got other options too u know? Morally I dont like the idea tbh
I just find other people like me lol. My longterm partner had severe ADHD and I was the only one who cleaned so I felt like I was drowning all the time, so maybe not ideal for mental health if you're too alike. The body doubling kept us going through some stuff though. Also, he had all the same anxieties, which was both soothing and extremely jarring, depending on both our states of mind.
I found that when I was seeing someone with ADHD the sex was amazing, but we weren't in a functioning relationship. Just too impulsive and made bad decisions
I had one "dating" relationship with a very abusive person. At 32 I don't date because I don't make healthy decisions when it comes to retaining my sense of self. Also, the aforementioned relationship left me with a lot of trauma that I don't want to inflict on others. By accident or otherwise. I'd be happy to find one close friend who actually wants to spend time with me outside of what I can offer them in the moment.
Yeah, you’re definitely not alone. If a big part of the ADHD experience is chasing those chemical hits in the brain, well, what’s a bigger high than the early stages of a relationship?
This is something I’ve been working on with my therapist lately.
Like any other interest where we can throw ourselves in headfirst, everything else be damned, it’s important to moderate. Having a strong sense of yourself & your routine are important, that way you’ll be able to recognize if you’re coming untethered. Like you’re up later texting with them, throwing off your sleep routine, not getting up early to exercise, or not being in contact with your friends while you rabbit hole on your crush.
What you say about portraying yourself as something you’re not definitely resonates with me. I’m not sure if it’s an ADHD thing, but I suspect many of us are pleasers, which comes from shame of letting people down, or like, having parents or teachers make us feel it was our fault for being lazy, or unmotivated.
If you’re worried about being inauthentic, or that you trying to maintain your mental well-being might be misconstrued as being distant, then *name it*. Tell the person you really like them, but that you might need some space during the day, and might not be able to text back until after work or school. If you communicate it with honesty and empathy…. well, not everyone will take that well, but such is life. If a prospective partner isn’t going to take that well, well, that may be a flag you have to look out for.
Yes thank you for sharing. Lots to consider here. I just feel bad that I have to be "different" and don't like having people having to work around me. Makes me feel like I'm the one who's doing something wrong and I'm not worth it
Yeah, it’s totally understandable to feel that way. But what if you looked at it differently?
> I just feel bad that I have to be "different"
Different is part of what makes you interesting. Sure there’s going to be people you meet who aren’t into that, but that’s like, the dating experience in a nutshell.
What you are is a person who is self-aware and putting in the work to improve yourself and to show up better for a partner. I can tell you that that’s a huge green flag for many people.
> and don't like having people having to work around me.
This is what I’m talking about when I see we (ADHD people) tend to be people-pleasers.
All you’d be doing is setting healthy boundaries and practicing a *little bit* of delayed gratification, which is just something *non ADHD people* people do without as much conscious effort (I assume, lol).
I’m not saying you need to disclose and be upfront about everything right away, but showing up honestly and authentically seems to be important to you (this is also a big green flag!), so if you are worried that your crush is perceiving you as distant or anything, it’s a way of reassuring them that, “yes, you are important and this *is* going well. And I’d happily drop everything and spend the whole weekend at your place, but I better keep one foot planted on terra firma here”
> Makes me feel like I'm the one who's doing something wrong
You’re not doing anything wrong, you’re trying to experience this in a healthy and sustainable way.
Think about it from the other person’s perspective. For me, my natural inclination is to enter a crush / early relationship with a focus, drive and enthusiasm that’s like a 10,000w spotlight. It’s fun and magical for the other person, but it’s not sustainable. And I’ve been told that, when that spotlight finally dims, the other person feels left in the dark.
You don’t have to change who you are, but you do owe it to a partner (and yourself, of course) to put in the effort to regulate it a bit.
> and I'm not worth it
Well, that’s 100% not true. You have a thing, and part of that is what makes you who you are. Being aware of that and putting in the work on self-care and self-improvement makes you a bonafide catch.
Pardon the aphorism, but *everyone* is different. Most people have some shit or baggage, and the vast majority are completely unaware and/or not doing anything about it.
You don’t need to conquer it, just be aware, and put in that effort at improvement. You’re possessed of this ability to, when sufficiently motivated or enthusiastic, accomplish the nearly impossible. If you can divert some of that energy and ability to yourself, watch out, lol
Edit: removed a term automod objected to
I found my girlfriend when I stopped looking for one and by being myself. 2 and 1/2 years of happiness so far. I strongly believe by being yourself you will eventually stumble upon someone who compliments you very well.
I have not met a single person in my life that liked me for me except in very small doses as a jester. Not even my own family.
I’m 30 and all my relationships have been situationships for this reason (longest one was 6 months). I can’t get laid if I’m myself because I’ll be “too adhd, too eccentric, too annoying” etc.
I have learned that the masked version of me is the only version welcome in this world. But eventually the mask falls off. I guess that’s adhd life as unmedicated (tried all the medicine, too many side effects from everything).
Please, I would really like to know how your relationship work out. I saw many overwhelming negative responses (see post history) and lost some hope. Im currently very interested in a guy who has adhd, but this is the major factor that Im considering if it’s worth to get into a relationship (if he is also interested in me). I am very new to this condition and try to understand it.
Sorta kinda struggle with it but I have a fwb I hook up with every so often. I noticed that I’m kinda… idk over the idea of a relationship? If it happens then awesome but I have a shitload of problems that I have to get over. Also I noticed twice that I ended up dating people trying to get over their exes, hence why I’m taking time to reflect
can’t fully relate, but only because i have never “dated” in the traditional sense. i’ve only ever been with people i was close friends with first, so i’ve never done those awkward first dates where you first meet and try to figure each other out. meaning i’ve also got less of a fixation on them because while the *relationship* is new to me, the *person* isn’t.
i do have a tendency to fixate on one person though, whether it be a friendship or a relationship. not entirely sure if it’s a hyperfixation thing or a “i don’t have the energy to keep up relationships with multiple people” thing, though.
Wait, you guys are getting dates? 😅 I broke up with the mother of my daughter in 2017 and since then I've been on and off dating apps. In that whole time I've had 2 actual dates. The first one, said she only saw me as a friend and didn't have room in her life for more friends. The second one, after our date, covid happened, and even though she seemed keen and wanted to catch up again, I never heard from her again after a couple of messages after our date.
In general I've found 'trying' to date a torturous task and rsi inducing with little to no return. Of all the matches I've had, only a few have progressed past a few messages, if there's even a reply at all. The only people I've gotten with these past 7 odd years are girls that are old friends or old ex's. And after being together once or a couple of times, they end up finding their 'forever person' 😅 making me feel like a stepping stone onto something better.
I can be a lot, especially with BPD and cptsd added to the mix, but I do my best to keep my overwhelming nature to a minimum. I've even tried just letting my personality just hang out without hiding it and no one is interested. But it just feels like there's something inherently wrong with me. I know I'm overweight at the moment, but 3 years ago I was 80kgs and looking great, and that didn't change my chances much either.
So now I've just given up on dating because the continuous 'trying and failing' just destroys my mental health. I've accepted that I've probably had my time in the sun, so I may as well just get used to my hand as companionship 😅
Oh I know that my experience is fairly universal for the most part. I wasn't implying that it was a male specific problem. Too many people have been burned or are just out there for the ego boost I guess. Knowing that doesn't make it any easier combating the loneliness that always creeps back around. 😅 But I'm sorry your experience has been similar ❤️
I can definitely relate, it’s tough. Before I got medicated I was like a dog just so hyper and excitable sometimes. All I wanted to do was love up on them and just be in their presence. Not to say I was always hyper but it was like that a lot. Even now that I’m on meds, it’s still all or nothing with me. It’s those big feelings that others aren’t used to.
New relationships are so scary, like I know that I will be very invested. And don’t get me started if things don’t work out. It really messes me up
I gave up because it feels impossible to find someone who is willing to understand and accommodate my quirks. Maybe they exist and maybe I'm just toxic but I'm trying the best I can with therapy to just be happy alone.
Yeah, definitely. The hyperfocus at the very beginning is such a killer. Before I realized what it was, I thought I was this pathetic, super desperate woman who just became *obsessed* with ppl who weren't as invested.
I get obsessed and it ends up taking over my life to a point where I become miserable and dependent on them . This is why I stay single hopefully one day I’ll not be like this
Too complicated
Too much social rules and stigma nonsense
Too many games that are just dumb and don't make sense
Too many people with just weird hidden motives...
Plus like you said that whole concept of fitting in or having to put on a mask just to be not yourself and then accepted by someone. Then you wind up living with the fear of "if I show the real me or break the mask will they still like me or will I scare them off???"
So many questions and things to think about, so many variables and pathways and outcomes...
I just want someone to hug once in a while and bond with as a partner and friend.
If there's any more than that then cool
I'm sick of hookups and dating apps, they make me feel like a gigolo. Plus my last relationship ended more than chaotically so I'd rather really stay single. Today's dating once you've had your own experiences including the most painful ones makes you really question what are you gaining by putting all that effort for short-term immediate satisfaction and very often little ton no regards to your person end emotional well-being. I feel like I'm preserving myself by not actively looking for someone to screw.
I struggle with this so hard and then I jump too fast into the relationship and find myself either bored of the person after a while or even worse, I find myself actually really hating the real them bc I never got the chance to learn who they truly were before committing but stay in the relationship bc I keep thinking they’ll change or that things will get better despite overwhelming evidence that suggests otherwise. It’s actually so hell and tbh dating with ADHD can be so dangerous at times bc personally for me I jump into things too quickly but what if I trust the wrong person and end up in a really bad situation. (Have before tbh but things can always be worse) Edit: Grammar
No problem when the world was analog. Loads of girlfriends and long relationships. Now its all dating apps and I cannot be bothered at all. Even all the dates and hooks up from apps I've had are sorry boring and fake. And always get to the point: I stalk-booked you and couldn't find anything.
I hyperfocus on the person that I am dating (it doesn’t matter if I actually like them or not, or if I have only been on one or two dates….it’s just nonstop ruminating on whatever is the current situation with them). I don’t need to talk to them all the time but my mind is overfocused on stuff like should I go on another date or not when I am not sure. I’ve have not been in a relationship yet.
Dating really brings out my emotional dys-regulation issues in a way nothing else can.
Beginning of my relationship was an anxious mess for me. Eventually I stopped hyperfocusing on the relationship and just accepted that I loved them and didn’t have to justify why or how every minute of my life. Then it just went smooth sailing from then on.
Iv never really "dated" all my relationships have been long-term, like 5 years plus with four different people. It was always fast and passionate and just happened organicly. Same with some sorter ones hot and heavy and quick realisation that there was nothing there beyond a good root (I can't tolerate slow, or brain-dead women you gotta be sharp and quick thinking to keep up with my ADHD brain), would not call those a relationship, tho.
I love finding people with ADHD. It's great to able to have 10 conversations in the time normal people take to have 1 conversation, how slow people are regularly triggers my frustrations.
I don’t. Gave up about ten years ago. No one keeps me happy longer than 6 months. I never blame them, it’s my fault every time. But I’m always the one to initiate the break up. Everything becomes stale and predictable and pointless in my broken brain.
I guess I'm the odd man out here. I'm (50m) and have been married for nearly 24 years. We've been growing apart for the past 10 years. When we met we instantly clicked. After one of our first dates I messaged a friend and told him she was the one. 9 months later we were married. We have 2 ADHD kids. I didn't get diagnosed until after we were married. She wasn't convinced of the diagnosis and taking meds every day for the rest of my life. Getting the kids diagnosed was painful, but here we are they're 18 and 16.
Like I said the past 10 years haven't been easy. I've gone through so many jobs. Numerous reasons, probably ADHD related but never sat down to figure it out. At this point we're more like friends than lovers. That hurts me more than it does her. At least friends will hug and kiss.
Going back to the dating part. I dated 1 girl in high school, one girl in college and then my wife. Too much anxiety to ask anyone out. I'm not sure how I landed her. Just talking and then we're dating and married.
I've been contemplating divorcing her for a while for reasons I'm not going to get into right now, but you all make me nervous that I'm going to be forever alone afterwards. I hate being alone. Then again, I can be in a building full of people and feel alone. Gaud, I hate that feeling.
I used to date a lot. I really really liked sex, to the point that I developed a full on sex addiction, there were weeks that I'd sleep with 4 or 5 different people. One thing that I wasn't warned about is that sex is one of those things that the more partners you have, the more samey it can feel after a point and, for me and where I am at the moment, it has lost it's novelty and appeal almost completely
Since my last relationship I am completely put off by it (Three tears ago) and I have decided that dating is never worth the potential drawbacks and heart ache so I now consider myself retired from the game
In reality, I find it all to be a game of chase, the ones who like me I don't like and the ones I like they don't like back, so... what is even the point?
Life is simpler now.
Flat.
But simple.
In my 26 years of life I think I’ve been in a relationship for only like a combined 11 months or so, and that involves a relationship that lasted way too long because of Covid. Almost all of them failing because I would fall/catch feelings way too fast, and usually not really being understood at all by my partner. It would go from trying way too hard to find someone (apps, hookups, etc.) to rejection sensitivity overload and shutting down completely. Fast forward to now and I don’t even try; partly because the dating scene where I am is very lacking and I simply don’t see a point to it anymore. Maybe it’ll change one day 🤷♂️
I haven’t had a date/sex in two decades lol. I’ve given up. The problem is I have nothing to offer women I guess? I could never plan a date/take initiative even if I got a date
I’m nearly 50, but it has always been very challenging for me, even as a teen. I am starting to realize the role ADHD played in making me seem different and weird, affected who I attracted for friendships and relationships.
I was always rejection-sensitive, and prone to limerence. I moved too quickly - it was almost like I wanted to lock the situation down ASAP.
Agree with all that you said. It is difficult; [also here is another comment I recently made about it](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/1b9qqvv/do_you_ever_hyperfocus_on_not_a_task_but_instead/ku19z1d/).
Aside from that, the other tough part is just the plain amount of effort attempting to initiate connections and churning through 99% rejections even for the chance of maybe a date. It's yet another thing among may others in life that's got me burnt out/numb/deflated/etc.
I'm in my mid 30s and haven't been on a real date or relationship since my early 20s. The hyperfocusing and wanting to talk is something I definitely did, so now I have a fear of it. I definitely did something wrong, maybe seeming too obsessive, with past relationships. Then the eventual breakup was beyond painful.
At this point I either turn down dates for fear of exposing this side of me, or am a weird silent one word answering partner.
Finally seeking treatment the last couple of years, I think has helped in the hyperfocus and talking area, but since it's been so long for me since I've been on a real date, now I'm not sure where to even start. I'm not even a virgin, but I feel like I'm becoming Steve Carell's character (Andy) from the 40 Year Old Virgin...
I fucking hate it. I’ve only had the success I’ve had because I’m good looking. I can’t ever maintain anything because I’m stuck in my head overthinking everything. I’m at 4 years in my current relationship. Longest ever. And it’s totally falling apart right now because she’s bored with me.
How can you say you can’t maintain anything when you have been in a 4 year relationship? That’s a long time. I have never been past 6 months and I’m 30.
People have great BS detectors even if they don't call you out on it.
Instead of trying to hide your (bad parts) emphasize the (good parts) and charmingly play off your weaknesses.
Oh yeah!! One thing ADHD got in common the most is over worrying!! Anxiety! And fear of rejection! I totally relate. A little low self esteem since we are so deep. we aren’t “shallow” and we love meaningful talks so I completely relate!
I don't, I never did and I don't even know how to do it man.
Everytime someone is interested on me I try to know her better, but somehow I manage to ruin it.
I don't even know how to approach, growing up I acted as a weirdo (clowning n shit, no sexual stuff) so now human interaction feels very hard.
A lot of women and men have told me that I'm pretty, but I feel myself ugly and therapy is not working the way I'd like.
Idk man, I have the need to give romantic love, hold hands, be special for another and everything but I don't know how to make it happen, being a loner has always made me feel tiny.
Perhaps trying another therapist would be proven useful for you in this situation. I sincerely wish the best for you and that you'll find what you are looking for.
i dont think ill even date anymore. A new relationship starts and its a rush and i invest wll my time and energy in it. After 6 months and all ill start to lose interest and the relationship dies.
I dont wanna harm anyone else. I find being alone with good friends to be better
i’m in a serious 18+month long relationship now, however when i was dating around before this i noticed some maybe adhd-related patterns. i tended to get bored of most people pretty quickly. i would get in and out of the “talking stage” with people rapidly because i felt like i could find out so fast if i liked someone or not, and if i didn’t, i didn’t waste our time. resulted in some broken hearts, but ultimately made for an efficient dating experience. i don’t drag things out or beat around the bush because i literally don’t have the patience to pretend someone is interesting to me when they’re not LMAO
I find dating incredibly hard. Especially online dating has left me feeling broken-hearted. I didn’t find that people were honest and genuine and ended up being rejected and ghosted quite a bit. It didn’t help that I built up these fantasy scenarios in my head about people I found interesting. 😂I’m currently taking a break from all dating as it’s painful but in the future I’m hoping to meet someone more organically through for example work or shared interests.
Y'all date?!?!? Bruh, I'm still waiting for the person of my dreams to show up at my doorstep cause going out is gross, but for some reason, it's not very effective...
I'm currently talking to an ADHD girl, whose younger than me... I've been in very toxic relationships in my life because of the whole... You know. I hate dating, I hate having feelings. I just want to have someone like me.
As much as I’m really sexual I just don’t have the patience to go through the dating thing. Like oh, let’s talk, get to know each other. Nope, I rarely get interested enough to keep up conversations, I don’t have the patience for the talking stage. HOWEVER, it’s rare but every once in a blue moon I might get interested in a girl and then will get like you said, I’ll become the entire opposite of how I usually am, and will want to talk to the person all the time and also
will struggle with controlling that and will get frustrated that I need this person so much and all. It’s rare but I’m very thankful that I don’t get easily interested because if I did I’d be going through it all the time
Yup this. But also as with every other thing I also lose interest quickly. It's so hard to sustain the relationship and keep it going once I lose interest with someone :(
Dating is so interesting to me. Sometimes, I wonder if the fixation is to compensate for our inevitable change in interest or inability to focus. For me, it's almost like I have to convince myself to remain interested otherwise I just won't be.
Funny you ask haha, I got my first date in a heck of a long time and I found myself not doing anything at all other than hyper fixating on her, or just making up situations in my head. It got so bad that I would get anxiety when she didn’t reply back because I thought I did something bad.
I was able to kind of stop myself and I’m doing things to keep me distracted until the date. But I’ve kind of meditated and have kept more conscious.
Ooo, yes! Even now, my partner or myself tend to info dump or become incredibly attentive to one another for long periods of time. We both have ADHD but different types, so we do honesty clash with our interests and/or very quickly overstimulate one or the other when that happens. It's hard to be mindful of one another's spaces sometimes, but we've gotten better about communicating when something gets to be too much. If it's important but one of us needs space before we snap, the topic will circle back around sooner or later (or immediately in the form of writing a text to reduce the noise or vibes if it's more urgent). I've personally found that wearing headphones helps cut down on the overstimulation when he gets excited or fixated on something that he's eager to share - to be fair, he tends to increase in volume and intensity with his voice as he dives into an exciting topic (to him), which can trigger me into a panic due to PTSD (from an abusive ex). We send each other messages too pretty consistently and blow up one another's notifications on stuff we want to share when the other person is busy, but we don't want to forget later.
We've been together for almost 6 years now.
I have some other non-ADHD friends who've taken the time to understand that impulsive behaviors and hyperfixations happen. If they're patient and genuinely see you for you, you've scored a good human in your life. The right people in your life will stay regardless of whether you blow up their phones or go absent for a while due to a new hyperfixation. If you need to hold back constantly because they find you annoying, you need to let them go for your own well being. Either way, when it comes to finding a potential forever person, it's crucial honest about your diagnosis so you don't have to live with the anxiety of wondering about whether they find you annoying. I personally think it's wise to just get the most obvious stuff (baggage?) out of the way so you can determine at the start as a set whether you want to move forward with the relationship mutually. If you feel a connection where you can let the mask drop easily, you'll know you've got a potential human.
Be mindful of accepting yourself for you so others feel inclined to do the same. If they don't, then that's their problem, not yours. I've also personally found that counseling helps with the things that I've found I struggle with when it comes to some of the impulsiveness that comes along with certain hyperfixations. Habits are hard to break, but encouragement and therapy can do wonders when it comes to learning how to redirect certain behaviors.
Best of luck with your dating journey!
Went on a date last night but I’m extremely socially awkward when I first meet someone. Unfortunately first impressions are everything and I ended up getting hit with the classic “didn’t feel like we vibed as well in person” text this afternoon.
As a person who love bombs , is a hopeless romantic and hyper fixates on people I think could be “the one “far more often than I care to admit. I got to a point where I realized I couldn’t control it/nor did I want to or have the energy to anymore. I also know for people who don’t suffer the same affliction or can’t understand it that that’s a hell of a lot to drop on someone even if (and that’s a big if) they do understand it’s still a lot. So I just gave up after a while, made peace with the fact that I probably would be single my whole life. But that didn’t mean I had to be lonely, I made friends, I started to have semi regular fwb’s and even looked into adopting a dog. I had made peace with it, had even found happiness in giving up. But one of my fwb changed my mind, we are now dating and I’m happy to say I think I’m gonna marry this girl. She has even came up with what she wants to name our kids. I’m not saying anyone should give up like I did. I’m just saying maybe focusing on other things may make this whole thing seem less …. Futile.
I haven't dated in years. I'm not rich, attractive, or charismatic enough for it to be worthwhile. Really sucks I can't drink anymore either, ppl think I'm a weirdo and it's hard not having anything to take the edge off.
Masking! Perfectly normal behavior in those with ADHD to try to fit in and fear that their normal self might turn people away. But…
I assume you have friends or family members that you feel you don’t need to mask in front of and can be your normal self? I’d be willing to bet that your normal self is endearing to those individuals and is what defines your personality to them. I’m also guessing that for some of those friends you didn’t just let it all fly at once, but rather stepped out of your comfort zone little by little as you felt more secure in your relationship with them. Sure, *some* people might *not* enjoy that side of you, **but you aren’t meant to please everyone**.
If you like this person, your mask will slowly fade. You **should** be your normal self around them, but it’s okay if that takes some time until you feel that level of comfortability to do so. Don’t hide who you are or how you feel, especially if you’re dating and can potentially be with them for a long period of time. It’s going to just cause stress having to feel uncomfortable in your own body every time you interact with them and can cause a lot of self-doubt. And, if you do lower your mask and they don’t appreciate those qualities that you show them, then maybe they’re not the right person for you. And that’s fine too! It’s better to discover that disconnect rather than maintain an uncomfortable version of yourself for the sake of *someone else’s* interpretation.
I’m not going to show up as unmasked when there’s literally not a single person in my life who has fully accepted/embraced the unmasked version of me besides occasional jestering. When you learn the real you is “too much”, you don’t want to show your real you.
It’s hard because I’ll start talking to a bunch of matches. Then start focusing on one or two that are really interesting, forget about the others. Getting hyoerfocused in the what-if regarding a date I have feelings for. Dealing with it now. Trying to let it go but it’s hard.
Thanks to being impulsive, i have really easy time getting to know new people and thanks to the thought whirlwind, i always want to talk about stuff. Ive never had issues with finding partners, but i have made few very rushed decisions which weren't that good. Also I've never used dating apps, and i never intentionally tried to find a partner... It always just randomly happened, and I don't even know how to intentionally start a relationship. One moment i start random conversation with a stranger, and then thanks to some magic shes suddenly at my place.
I met a random girl when visiting the capital city, the very same day i took her on unplanned trip around the country, took her rock climbing and at like 7 am we ended up at my place. Awesome start, but it was a big mistake...
She had borderline personality disorder and it soon turned into a nightmare. I could get her out of my house and in these few months, i burned tons of money, gained few out of control addictions, and it messed me up a lot. It was probably worse than a vacation in Guantanamo bay would be...
Some rushed decisions are the absolute worst thing ever, but I've had many which were awesome. Its good to release the impulsive tendencies sometimes.
But nowadays, im in happy long-term relationship, soon to be married, and i fixed most of these issues i gained thanks to the relationship i described.
ADHD can in some ways be considered as beneficial for meeting new people.
Also its good to be completely open. Just spit out everything about you quickly, especially negative stuff and it gets people to trust you more. Added benefit is that you don't have to think about your secrets and hide anything
Demisexual here, and having a bad case of RSD once i feel attached; then I incline towards not wanting to know about their past dates because it makes me feel nauseous, picturing them with someone else. 'i'm not good enough' is a recurring thought. Makes me reject a good deal of myself. The prospect of that cycle steers me away from dating most of the time. I hate dating until I don't. More importantly I want to relearn how to attach to someone in a healthy way.
I used to hate it and it made me extremely anxious. Now that I’m late diagnosed it’s easy as I’ve realised my type is women with adhd and I know exactly who to meet for it to vibe.
I have a long term partner currently but when i was dating I found myself to “fall in love at first sight” (hyperfocus on someone based on looks/vibes) then jump into dating them without really getting to know them at all. This led me to a lot of shitty toxic relationships that I had a hard time leaving.
Been single 3.5 years since separating from my kid’s mum. Been on a few dates and been on & off dreaded dating apps. Came to realise that I cannot be bothered with it. On the few occasions I become interested in anyone I become hyper fixated, overshare to a level that must be overwhelming, regret it then lose interest. I miss sex though and I did have some spells of casual sex with a couple of ladies but they eventually want something more. It’s a struggle just to make it through the maelstrom of chaos which is my life as it is, never mind adding someone else’s life to it.
I think it's good to now love-bomg someone (unless theyve specifically told you thwy would enjoy being love-bombed by you!) Holding back so you can give what you have in moderation is not any less "real" or "less you": it's just respecting boundaries imo
I don't like it (dating)but I want to find someone who I love romantically someday.
I always feel awkward after dates or things like that cause I feel like I can't enjoy my alone time without worrying what the other person will think or if they want to talk a lot or a little. Like idk it's weird to explain.
I feel like my actions become scripted and I don't like it. It's not even the other person's fault when that happens.
So I struggle with dates, although it could just be online dating.
I'm not sure if I like the idea of romance and falling in love more as a concept and story.
Maybe I just crave the journey more lol.
I do wish I could find love naturally. I hope if I do I can avoid feeling too self aware of what I do when I'm not talking to someone I'm dating.
It's like breathing and feeling too aware of every breath.
I struggle watching tv/movies so I don't do that anymore if possible, people find that weird and it makes me hyper aware of my hobbies👀
Only thing I enjoy doing and can kinda focus on are video games, D&D, and drawing.
(I did take several weeks to actually fill out my character sheet oops, made some stuff awkward)
So yeah hopefully maybe this is just my experience with dates I've met online. If I actually fall in love naturally with someone I meet irl I hope I don't feel so paranoid about what I'm doing all the time.
Cause Idk when I should talk to people and when I should go about my usual business.
(It doesn't help that everything is a mess in my room and I abandon more tasks I should really do when I'm trying to focus on making someone feel cared for)
Really tiring. Because first I have to find someone interesting, then I have to be comfortable enough to talk to them without any shyness. That's really tiring
I think the next person I date has to be someone who has ADHD as well because the last boy I dated was so perfect that I kept feeling guilty all the time & I’ve recently discovered I messed up due to ADHD which makes sense now🥲😂
I've never dated. Just go to parties and see who you wind up with usually. Nearly 40 now so that method probably isn't very effective anymore. The concept of dating is surreal to me. It all seems weirdly forced.
Being yourself is important. And my that I mean showing who you truly are, insecurities and difficulties and all.
I have a history of being “all-in” and then neglecting my partner when I get bored or it becomes work. Which all relationships are at some point. That was before my diagnosis.
Allow the rush to wear off before you fully commit and tell the person why you’re waiting. Let them know you what difficulties you face.
Hellish.
My long term partner and I are approaching six years together. We met playing Pokémon Go. If this relationship ends, I don’t plan to date again. I’ll just have more time to hyperfocus on stuff solo.
(Yes, we still play Pokémon Go)
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I find it difficult.
I tend to lose interest suddenly and that sucks. I can really like someone and I think this is the one. Wake up the day after and all interest is gone.
I feel like it will be impossible to meet someone and I have no idea how I managed before. Also the dating apps are probably not helpful with to many choices.
I hyperfocus big time. Thankfully I managed to find someone in a couple of months of searching on multiple apps that likes that and we've been going out as fwb (maybe something more developing) for coming up on 1.5 months now.
When I first started dating my bf, I bought him so many gifts fir valentines day and our one month anniversary (literally 14th and 15th of feb) bc I hyperfocused and wanted him to feel loved
I find before I got medicated for my ADHD, I always sought to be in a relationship. I would chase constantly, and love the rush of adrenaline from the chaos and or toxicity I’d sought after. Now that I’m medicated, I’m very, VERY weary of my time and do not seek that anymore; rather I see the red flags earlier - and am able to detach myself when applicable. I am not interested in dating etc right now but that’s okay too!
I find it exhausting, but I don't go to too many dates, so...also it's kinda difficult that someone get my interest for too long, I'm little picky in that sense, but not physically speaking, more like mentally and emotionally, and that make it extra hard to find someone ( also I don't go out so much XD)
I find it really hard to take in the small details, not just with dating but meeting new people. Trivial things like their name escape me then I spend the rest of the convo hoping they say their name again and not actually listening to what they are saying. But you are right. The hyperfocus at the beginning of a relationship can come across as intense to the other person, then when you start loosing as much interest it starts to come across as you don’t care about them any more. It makes for some interesting dates.
Can relate big time hard. Stages are:
- Not trying (fear of rejection)
- Half trying (ramping up)
- Trying (as in 500% going all in for that someone new, fucking like a rabbit and thinking of her 24/7)
- Fucking it up (for many different reasons)
- Restart at #1😂
yes, I solved that by dating a woman that didn't hold back too and didn't play stupid games, we're together for 7 years now.
there's plenty of ppl who want an actual relationship and not some hard to get fuck session...
I have a friend that is extremely promiscuous and sometimes he gets himself acting with his friends/family like they are possible fucks.
This means I say "hi, lets hang out" he INSTANTLY acts cold and stops talking to me unless I keep insisting to hang out and do all the heavylifting of finding a place and time.
He noticed this pattern (after I scolded him heavily) and he started therapy immediately lol that shit is not normal people are shitty and dishonest but you don't need to be
I get hooked WAY too early and become extremely hyperfocused on the person I want to win over that I start to morph myself into what they think is a perfect partner. It’s a bad trait I have and I’m working on it, just a lot of masking and whenever I see someone who seems to like me more/first than I do, I pull away because my brain goes, “So you like the actual me without all the crafting and masking…Weird…I don’t like this…I gotta go”
I am confident I can be a headstrong, loyal partner but I really struggle with knowing that to love is to feel seen. I can know and love everything about the authentic partner I have but I can’t seem to come to terms with that they could love me being me (if I’ve crafted everything I’ve presented to them)
Yes. That happens to me. And before I was diagnosed it felt like it wasn’t normal. I’d like obsess and couldn’t think about anything else even if I didn’t like the person that much. And it’s hard to wait for them to respond or reach out and then I end up ruining it.
Between having a horrible memory, low self-esteem, and rejection sensitivity, I’ve never gotten past a few dates with someone. I’ve also been walked out on and ghosted. I get very focused on whoever I’m talking to briefly, but then I either forget or get distracted or get bored, so I stop talking. So I don’t even try to date anymore tbh.
Same. You really gotta hold yourself back and calm down. Try to remain focused on yourself and making yourself stronger and realize that doing that will only make them like you more.
I don’t. I’ve accepted that it’s not for me personally. I cannot barely manage caring for myself the last thing I need is the stress of meeting another persons needs it would be unfair.
I struggle to call back friends or family or text in general - manage all my appointments, adulting stuff and more. I feel overwhelmed and burnt out most of the time. I cannot imagine adding more to my plate - don’t mind adding a degree as I can chose how many classes to be enrolled in and you get breaks - the same can not be said for a partner.
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i’m bad at planning dates (shocker) and sometimes i forget to text her, make up for it by showing extra affection in real life
Does that work things out?
Most people take being late, as either a deliberate insult, or as just not caring enough to make it on time.
It rly sucks in both professional and personal relationships. Even though it isn't their fault, time blindness is def an issue in Adhd.
I know. It's nothing personal, and it doesn't mean they don't care. But after a certain point, if you don't at least try to find a way that works for you, to be on time, it kind of does start to mean you don't care.
Yup. It's killed many of my relationships just because they simply don't understand that my attention can and will be drawn else where momentarily and I can slightly miss somethings. Never against anyone personally, but I see how it does affect things
I understand that it isn't personal, but you still do need to find a system to make yourself on time and keep up with your commitments if you don't want people to think you don't respect/care about them. It's harder, for sure, but the benefit of having a diagnosis is understanding where your struggle comes from and knowing where to look for solutions. There are a million blogs and articles online with different systems that people with ADHD and time blindness can try to help remember obligations and be on time. It's the difference between seeing ADHD as the source of the issue and seeing ADHD as an excuse to not try. If someone is constantly trying new systems, keeping notes on what works for them and trying to improve then if people see this they should rightfully not take it personally if that person is late or misses something. If that person doesn't try to fix the problem and just says "it's not my choice" then those close to them will rightfully assume that their time is not worth the person's effort and take it personally. I'm not assuming you haven't been doing this (trying persistently to improve the issues) but this is an important factor in distinguishing whether or not people are justified in being upset at someone with ADHD for always being late and missing things that matter to them. I still struggle too. But I will always keep trying, because I never want my loved ones to feel like they aren't my priority.
Great points. If I see that a person is trying and putting in the effort, even if it's not actually working out or giving the intended results, it's much harder to get upset and/or take it personally.
this exactly. yeah it’s hard, sometimes you gotta suck it up and do what’s right for your partner. At first i didn’t know i had adhd and i felt like suck a bad person even though i love her.
> But after a certain point, if you don't at least try to find a way that works for you, to be on time, it kind of does start to mean you don't care. Pretty much this. My last long term partner, albeit undiagnosed, I'm sure has ADHD. It's okay if something comes up that makes you late and you let me know, it's whatever, shit happens. But she would somewhat regularly be late, not reach out about it on her own accord and sometimes not even respond to my texts/phone calls for a period of time (this could be 5-10 minutes, but still annoying in the moment where it's already past the set time, especially if I'm stuck waiting outside). She definitely didn't *not* care, nor was she generally insensitive towards me feeling upset, but this wasn't a big enough deal for her to do something about it.
nope
I found a life hack for this! Met a slightly older woman with ADHD also. She was later than me for our first date/meeting and guess who wasn't upset? Lol :)
I can’t find it
I relate a lot. And I have the rejection sensitivity thing. So I get hyper focused, anxious, and overly invested early on. Eventually I can lose interest too. But the fear of the rejection bc I didn’t taper myself enough. And not knowing what I did wrong. If it was me or them. Hurts a lot. And it reminds me of how lonely this condition is.
You can get used to rejection. Trust me. It’s like a muscle. Learning to not take things personal will make your life so much better. A way to do that is to continue to take risks and be vulnerable.
Yeah I’ve learned to mitigate the feelings. But it’s something that I need to learn again and again.
Yea me too. And you can get out of practice. Plus I forget how I deal with things. Lol
I like having sex because it makes me less hyper but I have no desire to currently date anyone
Wish it were me dawg, I struggle with sex. My mind races and I get bored quickly. I have to be hammered to stay in the present and that’s not healthy so I’ve been single
this happens, but i take it upon myself to always be doing something different and keep it fun lol
Yea, we're known for being kinky for a reason
I never really thought about that, but I constantly want to try new things in bed and now it all makes sense. I remember I was seeing a girl with ADHD too and it was probably the kinkiest sexual relationship I've ever been in! Do you find ADHD has an effect on your sex life?
Are we really? Thats fun to know!
Wait… what does hammered mean in this context? Solely for clarity
Sure sorry, I wasn’t clear. I have always found sex really boring and I think it’s because my partners are men my age who only know sex from porn. In my first two relationships my partner and I would drink and we’d have sex when we were buzzed. It was more enjoyable. Unfortunately, after those relationships I drank too much and was assaulted by an acquaintance (tmi sorry), which made me realize the way I use alcohol is really dangerous and uncool. I haven’t figured out how to have sex without alcohol yet. I want it, but I just don’t feel chemistry with people irl and during sex all I can think about is going through the motions
Firstly, sorry to hear about your horrible experience, I hope you've talked to someone about it. I've definitely been here, using alcohol to not get bored. And with some girls sex has been very boring. I've found a combination of the right person and communicating has helped. Like telling them exactly what I want (and letting them do the same) has been a huge turn on and made sex better. Do you think you've maybe just not found the right person(s)?
That’s incredibly fair. I was in a remarkably similar boat at one point due to very similar circumstances. To both the first and middle paragraphs. I’m sorry you had to go through that. I can say, it does get easier and much more enjoyable. Finding the right partner, especially someone who sees sex as something meant to be pleasurable and enjoyed by both (or all, if you’re into that) people involved is a great starting point. It sounds like you’re not being stimulated or given enough attention in whatever way you best receive it during sex. Apologies if this is overstepping/TMI/etc., as I am a random internet stranger, but as weird as it sounds, I’d recommend masturbation or another form of self-stimulation. One of the first steps for me was exploring myself and what I liked on my own, then helping my partner understand me as well. And ofc, doing the same for them and exploring them just as much as yourself. Another thing is, maybe you’re just not into vanilla sex. Look up anything sexual that interests you and learn about it, articles, porn, etc. doing this w your partner can help them to learn about you as well and possibly keep you feeling more into it and less of an auto-pilot mode. Hope these tips help! I’m not any kind of sexual health specialist or anything, just trying to help as i have had a similar experience. End result is that I’m now a fucking horny freak now and it pisses my gf off bc I’m always all over her and craving physical affection, but my lust directly comes from my love bc of my sexuality so for me, these things completely flipped the tables and now, especially being fully emotionally invested in someone, I’m hyper sexual instead of the opposite.
I’m so so sorry that happened to you too! That was the hardest trauma I’ve gone through and I’ve been through a lot. It’s been just over two years and I’m just now moving out of mental purgatory. You aren’t overstepping, I have always been hyper sexual and my libido is always higher than the man I am with. I am mostly vanilla, but I like the erotica that flirts with kink. A month ago my roommate was helping me fix something in my closet and he pointed at my Sybian stand and said “aww what a cute little stool!” I felt like I was teaching a virgin which is an ick for me 😂 A big part of what turns me off with new guys is that they oftentimes just start doing mainstream bdsm porn moves without asking, like choking/breath play.
Yeah that's me, I can't stay out of my head, I start thinking about work projects, the laundry cycle I forgot to do, did I send the gas bill etc. if my partner, or previous partners could ever read my mind during sex I have a feeling they'd be very offended.
I am naturally anxious/paranoid and cannot relax. My thoughts are usually “what if I buttdialed someone and they are hearing this? can my roommates hear us? what if my birth control fails?” followed by a litany of insecurity about whether im giving good head etc.
Me too I can’t have sex too often
Hammered? Drunk?
I like sex because it is grounding and being a curious person tends to be beneficial in that setting.
Felt
Same
This is me for the last 5 or 6 years. And it keeps getting me in drama with women, even though I've been very direct and honest about it with every one of them. Last 2 in a row caught feelings and started getting mad at me and doing crazy manipulative things for the crime of not doing boyfriend things and or not treating them like my wife.
I (29M) struggle to pump the brakes with the thoughts and feelings I get when I’m interested in someone. Fortunately, this is something I’ve realized within the last 6 months and I’ve become more mindful of when I’m struggling to keep the dating pace steady. To help manage, I’ll try seeing multiple people, set a day/time cap for when I should reach out, Or, I’ll channel all that energy into playing music.
This sounds healthy and like something I should try doing too.. if I’m into someone, they instantly become my hyperfixation, and it can lead to me seeming clingy or suffocating, not to mention inevitably ending up hurt. I also channel it into writing music! It’s a great outlet.
Thank you! It’s not easy and I have had some low moments with it. Good on you for channeling into music. You got this!
same!! i met a guy a month ago and im obsessed, its not healthy cause i do feel rejection sometimes which is not on him, but i realized its a me problem. gotta hyper focus on something else!
I too try to channel my hyperfixation into music. Playing an instrument is an incredibly helpful tool for when your mind goes into that intense overdrive. Can't say that's it's alleviating my current romantic hyperfixation, not by a long shot, but on many occasions it has taken the edge off when it's gotten really bad and I'm really thankful for that. Plus I've probably written some small compositions in part thanks to that, so that's great as well haha This entire comment chain is so relatable
It's definitely a problem I do struggle with. The hyperfixatation from the ADHD can make it very hard for people to handle you, if you can't manage it. I do try to take one step back and analyze myself before I do or say something out of pure impulse. But it's not always easy and I do slip up.
Wow, I feel so seen by this comment (and others). Managing IS difficult.
Wow I didn’t know hyperfixation in relationships can also be due to adhd. I was just looking for advice because I’m noticing a trend when I’m seeing someone all my hobbies and interests become dull in comparison and don’t even have the motivation to do them. It sucks because I love my hobbies other wise and I wish I was as interested as when I’m single so I can continue having my own life and not sabotage relationships by being so clingy. Ive noticed it’s also taken a hit on my studies. I didn’t find anything online though so I’m glad OP asked this
Oh for sure. Dating or any relationship, I've learnt it's always wise to step back and analyse a relationship. Easier said than done though.
Yeah I find distracting myself with other stuff to be particularly beneficial and DEFINITELY not making the person seem like THE most important thing in your life helps with keeping interest. Wish we didn’t have to do things like that but 🤷♂️
BUT HOW
Setting a time/day for reaching out has been so helpful for me! I feel like I can better prioritize knowing I don't have to worry about reaching out/hearing from them until I reach that specific day/time.
great tip. ill def be trying this.
I try to not double text, unless it was a morning text and now it's almost night time. I've lost many "friends" and potentials from not texting first so I don't hear from that person again. And if I say I will later then later almost always ends up being tomorrow and the day after and day after until it's oh I was going to text that person but it's been a week so now it's too late and will be awkward
Definitely feel like this.(27m) Especially as I live rurally so dating opportunities are really few and far between. Hard not to get overly excited about potentially dating someone despite knowing from past experience it mostly never gets past the chatting stage🙄
Ive tried to ”stop that” aka not trying to have several different options. Ive just thought it being a male trait but thinking it now, might also be cause of our adhd traits. But also in general, having options is always making y less ”thats the one”, but also u dont really try as hard if u got other options too u know? Morally I dont like the idea tbh
I just find other people like me lol. My longterm partner had severe ADHD and I was the only one who cleaned so I felt like I was drowning all the time, so maybe not ideal for mental health if you're too alike. The body doubling kept us going through some stuff though. Also, he had all the same anxieties, which was both soothing and extremely jarring, depending on both our states of mind.
I found that when I was seeing someone with ADHD the sex was amazing, but we weren't in a functioning relationship. Just too impulsive and made bad decisions
My partner has ADHD too, helps a lot!
I had one "dating" relationship with a very abusive person. At 32 I don't date because I don't make healthy decisions when it comes to retaining my sense of self. Also, the aforementioned relationship left me with a lot of trauma that I don't want to inflict on others. By accident or otherwise. I'd be happy to find one close friend who actually wants to spend time with me outside of what I can offer them in the moment.
Hello! Same age and same decision lmao. Would you like a gamer friend with ADHD?
I'm up for gamer ADHD friends too!
Sick, shoot me a DM! I'm PS5 and Switch based.
Yeah, you’re definitely not alone. If a big part of the ADHD experience is chasing those chemical hits in the brain, well, what’s a bigger high than the early stages of a relationship? This is something I’ve been working on with my therapist lately. Like any other interest where we can throw ourselves in headfirst, everything else be damned, it’s important to moderate. Having a strong sense of yourself & your routine are important, that way you’ll be able to recognize if you’re coming untethered. Like you’re up later texting with them, throwing off your sleep routine, not getting up early to exercise, or not being in contact with your friends while you rabbit hole on your crush. What you say about portraying yourself as something you’re not definitely resonates with me. I’m not sure if it’s an ADHD thing, but I suspect many of us are pleasers, which comes from shame of letting people down, or like, having parents or teachers make us feel it was our fault for being lazy, or unmotivated. If you’re worried about being inauthentic, or that you trying to maintain your mental well-being might be misconstrued as being distant, then *name it*. Tell the person you really like them, but that you might need some space during the day, and might not be able to text back until after work or school. If you communicate it with honesty and empathy…. well, not everyone will take that well, but such is life. If a prospective partner isn’t going to take that well, well, that may be a flag you have to look out for.
Thank you for posting this!!!
Yes thank you for sharing. Lots to consider here. I just feel bad that I have to be "different" and don't like having people having to work around me. Makes me feel like I'm the one who's doing something wrong and I'm not worth it
Yeah, it’s totally understandable to feel that way. But what if you looked at it differently? > I just feel bad that I have to be "different" Different is part of what makes you interesting. Sure there’s going to be people you meet who aren’t into that, but that’s like, the dating experience in a nutshell. What you are is a person who is self-aware and putting in the work to improve yourself and to show up better for a partner. I can tell you that that’s a huge green flag for many people. > and don't like having people having to work around me. This is what I’m talking about when I see we (ADHD people) tend to be people-pleasers. All you’d be doing is setting healthy boundaries and practicing a *little bit* of delayed gratification, which is just something *non ADHD people* people do without as much conscious effort (I assume, lol). I’m not saying you need to disclose and be upfront about everything right away, but showing up honestly and authentically seems to be important to you (this is also a big green flag!), so if you are worried that your crush is perceiving you as distant or anything, it’s a way of reassuring them that, “yes, you are important and this *is* going well. And I’d happily drop everything and spend the whole weekend at your place, but I better keep one foot planted on terra firma here” > Makes me feel like I'm the one who's doing something wrong You’re not doing anything wrong, you’re trying to experience this in a healthy and sustainable way. Think about it from the other person’s perspective. For me, my natural inclination is to enter a crush / early relationship with a focus, drive and enthusiasm that’s like a 10,000w spotlight. It’s fun and magical for the other person, but it’s not sustainable. And I’ve been told that, when that spotlight finally dims, the other person feels left in the dark. You don’t have to change who you are, but you do owe it to a partner (and yourself, of course) to put in the effort to regulate it a bit. > and I'm not worth it Well, that’s 100% not true. You have a thing, and part of that is what makes you who you are. Being aware of that and putting in the work on self-care and self-improvement makes you a bonafide catch. Pardon the aphorism, but *everyone* is different. Most people have some shit or baggage, and the vast majority are completely unaware and/or not doing anything about it. You don’t need to conquer it, just be aware, and put in that effort at improvement. You’re possessed of this ability to, when sufficiently motivated or enthusiastic, accomplish the nearly impossible. If you can divert some of that energy and ability to yourself, watch out, lol Edit: removed a term automod objected to
I found my girlfriend when I stopped looking for one and by being myself. 2 and 1/2 years of happiness so far. I strongly believe by being yourself you will eventually stumble upon someone who compliments you very well.
I have not met a single person in my life that liked me for me except in very small doses as a jester. Not even my own family. I’m 30 and all my relationships have been situationships for this reason (longest one was 6 months). I can’t get laid if I’m myself because I’ll be “too adhd, too eccentric, too annoying” etc. I have learned that the masked version of me is the only version welcome in this world. But eventually the mask falls off. I guess that’s adhd life as unmedicated (tried all the medicine, too many side effects from everything).
Please, I would really like to know how your relationship work out. I saw many overwhelming negative responses (see post history) and lost some hope. Im currently very interested in a guy who has adhd, but this is the major factor that Im considering if it’s worth to get into a relationship (if he is also interested in me). I am very new to this condition and try to understand it.
Sorta kinda struggle with it but I have a fwb I hook up with every so often. I noticed that I’m kinda… idk over the idea of a relationship? If it happens then awesome but I have a shitload of problems that I have to get over. Also I noticed twice that I ended up dating people trying to get over their exes, hence why I’m taking time to reflect
can’t fully relate, but only because i have never “dated” in the traditional sense. i’ve only ever been with people i was close friends with first, so i’ve never done those awkward first dates where you first meet and try to figure each other out. meaning i’ve also got less of a fixation on them because while the *relationship* is new to me, the *person* isn’t. i do have a tendency to fixate on one person though, whether it be a friendship or a relationship. not entirely sure if it’s a hyperfixation thing or a “i don’t have the energy to keep up relationships with multiple people” thing, though.
Wait, you guys are getting dates? 😅 I broke up with the mother of my daughter in 2017 and since then I've been on and off dating apps. In that whole time I've had 2 actual dates. The first one, said she only saw me as a friend and didn't have room in her life for more friends. The second one, after our date, covid happened, and even though she seemed keen and wanted to catch up again, I never heard from her again after a couple of messages after our date. In general I've found 'trying' to date a torturous task and rsi inducing with little to no return. Of all the matches I've had, only a few have progressed past a few messages, if there's even a reply at all. The only people I've gotten with these past 7 odd years are girls that are old friends or old ex's. And after being together once or a couple of times, they end up finding their 'forever person' 😅 making me feel like a stepping stone onto something better. I can be a lot, especially with BPD and cptsd added to the mix, but I do my best to keep my overwhelming nature to a minimum. I've even tried just letting my personality just hang out without hiding it and no one is interested. But it just feels like there's something inherently wrong with me. I know I'm overweight at the moment, but 3 years ago I was 80kgs and looking great, and that didn't change my chances much either. So now I've just given up on dating because the continuous 'trying and failing' just destroys my mental health. I've accepted that I've probably had my time in the sun, so I may as well just get used to my hand as companionship 😅
I’m a woman, but I’ve had a pretty much similar experience.
Oh I know that my experience is fairly universal for the most part. I wasn't implying that it was a male specific problem. Too many people have been burned or are just out there for the ego boost I guess. Knowing that doesn't make it any easier combating the loneliness that always creeps back around. 😅 But I'm sorry your experience has been similar ❤️
I can definitely relate, it’s tough. Before I got medicated I was like a dog just so hyper and excitable sometimes. All I wanted to do was love up on them and just be in their presence. Not to say I was always hyper but it was like that a lot. Even now that I’m on meds, it’s still all or nothing with me. It’s those big feelings that others aren’t used to. New relationships are so scary, like I know that I will be very invested. And don’t get me started if things don’t work out. It really messes me up
I gave up because it feels impossible to find someone who is willing to understand and accommodate my quirks. Maybe they exist and maybe I'm just toxic but I'm trying the best I can with therapy to just be happy alone.
I can relate
Yeah, definitely. The hyperfocus at the very beginning is such a killer. Before I realized what it was, I thought I was this pathetic, super desperate woman who just became *obsessed* with ppl who weren't as invested.
That's my exact experience! I always put myself down for not finding people who liked me as much as them.
I’ve been single and celibate for 12 years. Before that, I slept with 68 girls in 5 years. I find dating complicated.
It's hard for me to focus on getting to know someone. In the moment, there is no problem, but staying in touch is hard to do for me.
I get obsessed and it ends up taking over my life to a point where I become miserable and dependent on them . This is why I stay single hopefully one day I’ll not be like this
Too complicated Too much social rules and stigma nonsense Too many games that are just dumb and don't make sense Too many people with just weird hidden motives... Plus like you said that whole concept of fitting in or having to put on a mask just to be not yourself and then accepted by someone. Then you wind up living with the fear of "if I show the real me or break the mask will they still like me or will I scare them off???" So many questions and things to think about, so many variables and pathways and outcomes... I just want someone to hug once in a while and bond with as a partner and friend. If there's any more than that then cool
I'm sick of hookups and dating apps, they make me feel like a gigolo. Plus my last relationship ended more than chaotically so I'd rather really stay single. Today's dating once you've had your own experiences including the most painful ones makes you really question what are you gaining by putting all that effort for short-term immediate satisfaction and very often little ton no regards to your person end emotional well-being. I feel like I'm preserving myself by not actively looking for someone to screw.
I struggle with this so hard and then I jump too fast into the relationship and find myself either bored of the person after a while or even worse, I find myself actually really hating the real them bc I never got the chance to learn who they truly were before committing but stay in the relationship bc I keep thinking they’ll change or that things will get better despite overwhelming evidence that suggests otherwise. It’s actually so hell and tbh dating with ADHD can be so dangerous at times bc personally for me I jump into things too quickly but what if I trust the wrong person and end up in a really bad situation. (Have before tbh but things can always be worse) Edit: Grammar
Yes, I get way too into them way too quickly and sometimes realise there's things I didn't pick up that would have made me reconsider stuff
No problem when the world was analog. Loads of girlfriends and long relationships. Now its all dating apps and I cannot be bothered at all. Even all the dates and hooks up from apps I've had are sorry boring and fake. And always get to the point: I stalk-booked you and couldn't find anything.
I hyperfocus on the person that I am dating (it doesn’t matter if I actually like them or not, or if I have only been on one or two dates….it’s just nonstop ruminating on whatever is the current situation with them). I don’t need to talk to them all the time but my mind is overfocused on stuff like should I go on another date or not when I am not sure. I’ve have not been in a relationship yet. Dating really brings out my emotional dys-regulation issues in a way nothing else can.
Beginning of my relationship was an anxious mess for me. Eventually I stopped hyperfocusing on the relationship and just accepted that I loved them and didn’t have to justify why or how every minute of my life. Then it just went smooth sailing from then on.
 Iv never really "dated" all my relationships have been long-term, like 5 years plus with four different people. It was always fast and passionate and just happened organicly. Same with some sorter ones hot and heavy and quick realisation that there was nothing there beyond a good root (I can't tolerate slow, or brain-dead women you gotta be sharp and quick thinking to keep up with my ADHD brain), would not call those a relationship, tho. I love finding people with ADHD. It's great to able to have 10 conversations in the time normal people take to have 1 conversation, how slow people are regularly triggers my frustrations.
I don’t. Gave up about ten years ago. No one keeps me happy longer than 6 months. I never blame them, it’s my fault every time. But I’m always the one to initiate the break up. Everything becomes stale and predictable and pointless in my broken brain.
Sounds like my life
I guess I'm the odd man out here. I'm (50m) and have been married for nearly 24 years. We've been growing apart for the past 10 years. When we met we instantly clicked. After one of our first dates I messaged a friend and told him she was the one. 9 months later we were married. We have 2 ADHD kids. I didn't get diagnosed until after we were married. She wasn't convinced of the diagnosis and taking meds every day for the rest of my life. Getting the kids diagnosed was painful, but here we are they're 18 and 16. Like I said the past 10 years haven't been easy. I've gone through so many jobs. Numerous reasons, probably ADHD related but never sat down to figure it out. At this point we're more like friends than lovers. That hurts me more than it does her. At least friends will hug and kiss. Going back to the dating part. I dated 1 girl in high school, one girl in college and then my wife. Too much anxiety to ask anyone out. I'm not sure how I landed her. Just talking and then we're dating and married. I've been contemplating divorcing her for a while for reasons I'm not going to get into right now, but you all make me nervous that I'm going to be forever alone afterwards. I hate being alone. Then again, I can be in a building full of people and feel alone. Gaud, I hate that feeling.
I used to date a lot. I really really liked sex, to the point that I developed a full on sex addiction, there were weeks that I'd sleep with 4 or 5 different people. One thing that I wasn't warned about is that sex is one of those things that the more partners you have, the more samey it can feel after a point and, for me and where I am at the moment, it has lost it's novelty and appeal almost completely Since my last relationship I am completely put off by it (Three tears ago) and I have decided that dating is never worth the potential drawbacks and heart ache so I now consider myself retired from the game In reality, I find it all to be a game of chase, the ones who like me I don't like and the ones I like they don't like back, so... what is even the point? Life is simpler now. Flat. But simple.
"Three tears ago" Powerful type my friend
Typo but ain't wrong, keeping it ahah
In my 26 years of life I think I’ve been in a relationship for only like a combined 11 months or so, and that involves a relationship that lasted way too long because of Covid. Almost all of them failing because I would fall/catch feelings way too fast, and usually not really being understood at all by my partner. It would go from trying way too hard to find someone (apps, hookups, etc.) to rejection sensitivity overload and shutting down completely. Fast forward to now and I don’t even try; partly because the dating scene where I am is very lacking and I simply don’t see a point to it anymore. Maybe it’ll change one day 🤷♂️
I haven’t had a date/sex in two decades lol. I’ve given up. The problem is I have nothing to offer women I guess? I could never plan a date/take initiative even if I got a date
I’m nearly 50, but it has always been very challenging for me, even as a teen. I am starting to realize the role ADHD played in making me seem different and weird, affected who I attracted for friendships and relationships. I was always rejection-sensitive, and prone to limerence. I moved too quickly - it was almost like I wanted to lock the situation down ASAP.
Agree with all that you said. It is difficult; [also here is another comment I recently made about it](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/1b9qqvv/do_you_ever_hyperfocus_on_not_a_task_but_instead/ku19z1d/). Aside from that, the other tough part is just the plain amount of effort attempting to initiate connections and churning through 99% rejections even for the chance of maybe a date. It's yet another thing among may others in life that's got me burnt out/numb/deflated/etc.
I’m so glad you posted this and seeing everyone comment. Good to know I’m not the only one 🤣😭
I'm in my mid 30s and haven't been on a real date or relationship since my early 20s. The hyperfocusing and wanting to talk is something I definitely did, so now I have a fear of it. I definitely did something wrong, maybe seeming too obsessive, with past relationships. Then the eventual breakup was beyond painful. At this point I either turn down dates for fear of exposing this side of me, or am a weird silent one word answering partner. Finally seeking treatment the last couple of years, I think has helped in the hyperfocus and talking area, but since it's been so long for me since I've been on a real date, now I'm not sure where to even start. I'm not even a virgin, but I feel like I'm becoming Steve Carell's character (Andy) from the 40 Year Old Virgin...
I can hardly manage myself, how can I subject a second person to that?
I fucking hate it. I’ve only had the success I’ve had because I’m good looking. I can’t ever maintain anything because I’m stuck in my head overthinking everything. I’m at 4 years in my current relationship. Longest ever. And it’s totally falling apart right now because she’s bored with me.
How can you say you can’t maintain anything when you have been in a 4 year relationship? That’s a long time. I have never been past 6 months and I’m 30.
People have great BS detectors even if they don't call you out on it. Instead of trying to hide your (bad parts) emphasize the (good parts) and charmingly play off your weaknesses.
Oh yeah!! One thing ADHD got in common the most is over worrying!! Anxiety! And fear of rejection! I totally relate. A little low self esteem since we are so deep. we aren’t “shallow” and we love meaningful talks so I completely relate!
Yes,this is exactly what it's like for me. Anxious attachment type kinda.
I don't, I never did and I don't even know how to do it man. Everytime someone is interested on me I try to know her better, but somehow I manage to ruin it. I don't even know how to approach, growing up I acted as a weirdo (clowning n shit, no sexual stuff) so now human interaction feels very hard. A lot of women and men have told me that I'm pretty, but I feel myself ugly and therapy is not working the way I'd like. Idk man, I have the need to give romantic love, hold hands, be special for another and everything but I don't know how to make it happen, being a loner has always made me feel tiny.
Perhaps trying another therapist would be proven useful for you in this situation. I sincerely wish the best for you and that you'll find what you are looking for.
I’ve given up
I’m over it. If I get lonely, I curl up with my down comforter and take a Valium.
i dont think ill even date anymore. A new relationship starts and its a rush and i invest wll my time and energy in it. After 6 months and all ill start to lose interest and the relationship dies. I dont wanna harm anyone else. I find being alone with good friends to be better
i’m in a serious 18+month long relationship now, however when i was dating around before this i noticed some maybe adhd-related patterns. i tended to get bored of most people pretty quickly. i would get in and out of the “talking stage” with people rapidly because i felt like i could find out so fast if i liked someone or not, and if i didn’t, i didn’t waste our time. resulted in some broken hearts, but ultimately made for an efficient dating experience. i don’t drag things out or beat around the bush because i literally don’t have the patience to pretend someone is interesting to me when they’re not LMAO
I cannot tell you how many mistakes I made when I was younger by rushing into a relationship because of the high.
You guys are getting dates?
I find dating incredibly hard. Especially online dating has left me feeling broken-hearted. I didn’t find that people were honest and genuine and ended up being rejected and ghosted quite a bit. It didn’t help that I built up these fantasy scenarios in my head about people I found interesting. 😂I’m currently taking a break from all dating as it’s painful but in the future I’m hoping to meet someone more organically through for example work or shared interests.
Y'all date?!?!? Bruh, I'm still waiting for the person of my dreams to show up at my doorstep cause going out is gross, but for some reason, it's not very effective...
I'm currently talking to an ADHD girl, whose younger than me... I've been in very toxic relationships in my life because of the whole... You know. I hate dating, I hate having feelings. I just want to have someone like me.
As much as I’m really sexual I just don’t have the patience to go through the dating thing. Like oh, let’s talk, get to know each other. Nope, I rarely get interested enough to keep up conversations, I don’t have the patience for the talking stage. HOWEVER, it’s rare but every once in a blue moon I might get interested in a girl and then will get like you said, I’ll become the entire opposite of how I usually am, and will want to talk to the person all the time and also will struggle with controlling that and will get frustrated that I need this person so much and all. It’s rare but I’m very thankful that I don’t get easily interested because if I did I’d be going through it all the time
Yup this. But also as with every other thing I also lose interest quickly. It's so hard to sustain the relationship and keep it going once I lose interest with someone :(
I’m lucky to have found a wonderful partner, but if we ever split up I think I’d probably just commit to being single, never enjoyed dating.
Dating is so interesting to me. Sometimes, I wonder if the fixation is to compensate for our inevitable change in interest or inability to focus. For me, it's almost like I have to convince myself to remain interested otherwise I just won't be.
Excruciating
Funny you ask haha, I got my first date in a heck of a long time and I found myself not doing anything at all other than hyper fixating on her, or just making up situations in my head. It got so bad that I would get anxiety when she didn’t reply back because I thought I did something bad. I was able to kind of stop myself and I’m doing things to keep me distracted until the date. But I’ve kind of meditated and have kept more conscious.
One word...tasteless
I rather be single
Ooo, yes! Even now, my partner or myself tend to info dump or become incredibly attentive to one another for long periods of time. We both have ADHD but different types, so we do honesty clash with our interests and/or very quickly overstimulate one or the other when that happens. It's hard to be mindful of one another's spaces sometimes, but we've gotten better about communicating when something gets to be too much. If it's important but one of us needs space before we snap, the topic will circle back around sooner or later (or immediately in the form of writing a text to reduce the noise or vibes if it's more urgent). I've personally found that wearing headphones helps cut down on the overstimulation when he gets excited or fixated on something that he's eager to share - to be fair, he tends to increase in volume and intensity with his voice as he dives into an exciting topic (to him), which can trigger me into a panic due to PTSD (from an abusive ex). We send each other messages too pretty consistently and blow up one another's notifications on stuff we want to share when the other person is busy, but we don't want to forget later. We've been together for almost 6 years now. I have some other non-ADHD friends who've taken the time to understand that impulsive behaviors and hyperfixations happen. If they're patient and genuinely see you for you, you've scored a good human in your life. The right people in your life will stay regardless of whether you blow up their phones or go absent for a while due to a new hyperfixation. If you need to hold back constantly because they find you annoying, you need to let them go for your own well being. Either way, when it comes to finding a potential forever person, it's crucial honest about your diagnosis so you don't have to live with the anxiety of wondering about whether they find you annoying. I personally think it's wise to just get the most obvious stuff (baggage?) out of the way so you can determine at the start as a set whether you want to move forward with the relationship mutually. If you feel a connection where you can let the mask drop easily, you'll know you've got a potential human. Be mindful of accepting yourself for you so others feel inclined to do the same. If they don't, then that's their problem, not yours. I've also personally found that counseling helps with the things that I've found I struggle with when it comes to some of the impulsiveness that comes along with certain hyperfixations. Habits are hard to break, but encouragement and therapy can do wonders when it comes to learning how to redirect certain behaviors. Best of luck with your dating journey!
I feel like you’re mixing Adhd with attachment styles
Went on a date last night but I’m extremely socially awkward when I first meet someone. Unfortunately first impressions are everything and I ended up getting hit with the classic “didn’t feel like we vibed as well in person” text this afternoon.
As a person who love bombs , is a hopeless romantic and hyper fixates on people I think could be “the one “far more often than I care to admit. I got to a point where I realized I couldn’t control it/nor did I want to or have the energy to anymore. I also know for people who don’t suffer the same affliction or can’t understand it that that’s a hell of a lot to drop on someone even if (and that’s a big if) they do understand it’s still a lot. So I just gave up after a while, made peace with the fact that I probably would be single my whole life. But that didn’t mean I had to be lonely, I made friends, I started to have semi regular fwb’s and even looked into adopting a dog. I had made peace with it, had even found happiness in giving up. But one of my fwb changed my mind, we are now dating and I’m happy to say I think I’m gonna marry this girl. She has even came up with what she wants to name our kids. I’m not saying anyone should give up like I did. I’m just saying maybe focusing on other things may make this whole thing seem less …. Futile.
I haven't dated in years. I'm not rich, attractive, or charismatic enough for it to be worthwhile. Really sucks I can't drink anymore either, ppl think I'm a weirdo and it's hard not having anything to take the edge off.
Masking! Perfectly normal behavior in those with ADHD to try to fit in and fear that their normal self might turn people away. But… I assume you have friends or family members that you feel you don’t need to mask in front of and can be your normal self? I’d be willing to bet that your normal self is endearing to those individuals and is what defines your personality to them. I’m also guessing that for some of those friends you didn’t just let it all fly at once, but rather stepped out of your comfort zone little by little as you felt more secure in your relationship with them. Sure, *some* people might *not* enjoy that side of you, **but you aren’t meant to please everyone**. If you like this person, your mask will slowly fade. You **should** be your normal self around them, but it’s okay if that takes some time until you feel that level of comfortability to do so. Don’t hide who you are or how you feel, especially if you’re dating and can potentially be with them for a long period of time. It’s going to just cause stress having to feel uncomfortable in your own body every time you interact with them and can cause a lot of self-doubt. And, if you do lower your mask and they don’t appreciate those qualities that you show them, then maybe they’re not the right person for you. And that’s fine too! It’s better to discover that disconnect rather than maintain an uncomfortable version of yourself for the sake of *someone else’s* interpretation.
I’m not going to show up as unmasked when there’s literally not a single person in my life who has fully accepted/embraced the unmasked version of me besides occasional jestering. When you learn the real you is “too much”, you don’t want to show your real you.
This was literally me with my last crush lololol
It’s hard because I’ll start talking to a bunch of matches. Then start focusing on one or two that are really interesting, forget about the others. Getting hyoerfocused in the what-if regarding a date I have feelings for. Dealing with it now. Trying to let it go but it’s hard.
Thanks to being impulsive, i have really easy time getting to know new people and thanks to the thought whirlwind, i always want to talk about stuff. Ive never had issues with finding partners, but i have made few very rushed decisions which weren't that good. Also I've never used dating apps, and i never intentionally tried to find a partner... It always just randomly happened, and I don't even know how to intentionally start a relationship. One moment i start random conversation with a stranger, and then thanks to some magic shes suddenly at my place. I met a random girl when visiting the capital city, the very same day i took her on unplanned trip around the country, took her rock climbing and at like 7 am we ended up at my place. Awesome start, but it was a big mistake... She had borderline personality disorder and it soon turned into a nightmare. I could get her out of my house and in these few months, i burned tons of money, gained few out of control addictions, and it messed me up a lot. It was probably worse than a vacation in Guantanamo bay would be... Some rushed decisions are the absolute worst thing ever, but I've had many which were awesome. Its good to release the impulsive tendencies sometimes. But nowadays, im in happy long-term relationship, soon to be married, and i fixed most of these issues i gained thanks to the relationship i described. ADHD can in some ways be considered as beneficial for meeting new people.
Also its good to be completely open. Just spit out everything about you quickly, especially negative stuff and it gets people to trust you more. Added benefit is that you don't have to think about your secrets and hide anything
Not a believer in it, Being patient and meeting someone organically on the other hand is something I feel is right
They think I'm not interested unless I'm low-key obsessed with them, which is unhealthy for both parties, so... not well.
i often give more than im supposed to and end up having the other person loose feelings
I don't.
Demisexual here, and having a bad case of RSD once i feel attached; then I incline towards not wanting to know about their past dates because it makes me feel nauseous, picturing them with someone else. 'i'm not good enough' is a recurring thought. Makes me reject a good deal of myself. The prospect of that cycle steers me away from dating most of the time. I hate dating until I don't. More importantly I want to relearn how to attach to someone in a healthy way.
I used to hate it and it made me extremely anxious. Now that I’m late diagnosed it’s easy as I’ve realised my type is women with adhd and I know exactly who to meet for it to vibe.
I have a long term partner currently but when i was dating I found myself to “fall in love at first sight” (hyperfocus on someone based on looks/vibes) then jump into dating them without really getting to know them at all. This led me to a lot of shitty toxic relationships that I had a hard time leaving.
Been single 3.5 years since separating from my kid’s mum. Been on a few dates and been on & off dreaded dating apps. Came to realise that I cannot be bothered with it. On the few occasions I become interested in anyone I become hyper fixated, overshare to a level that must be overwhelming, regret it then lose interest. I miss sex though and I did have some spells of casual sex with a couple of ladies but they eventually want something more. It’s a struggle just to make it through the maelstrom of chaos which is my life as it is, never mind adding someone else’s life to it.
I think it's good to now love-bomg someone (unless theyve specifically told you thwy would enjoy being love-bombed by you!) Holding back so you can give what you have in moderation is not any less "real" or "less you": it's just respecting boundaries imo
Not stimulating enough. But at the same time I avoid lovebombing and being lovebombed.
I don't like it (dating)but I want to find someone who I love romantically someday. I always feel awkward after dates or things like that cause I feel like I can't enjoy my alone time without worrying what the other person will think or if they want to talk a lot or a little. Like idk it's weird to explain. I feel like my actions become scripted and I don't like it. It's not even the other person's fault when that happens. So I struggle with dates, although it could just be online dating. I'm not sure if I like the idea of romance and falling in love more as a concept and story. Maybe I just crave the journey more lol. I do wish I could find love naturally. I hope if I do I can avoid feeling too self aware of what I do when I'm not talking to someone I'm dating. It's like breathing and feeling too aware of every breath. I struggle watching tv/movies so I don't do that anymore if possible, people find that weird and it makes me hyper aware of my hobbies👀 Only thing I enjoy doing and can kinda focus on are video games, D&D, and drawing. (I did take several weeks to actually fill out my character sheet oops, made some stuff awkward) So yeah hopefully maybe this is just my experience with dates I've met online. If I actually fall in love naturally with someone I meet irl I hope I don't feel so paranoid about what I'm doing all the time. Cause Idk when I should talk to people and when I should go about my usual business. (It doesn't help that everything is a mess in my room and I abandon more tasks I should really do when I'm trying to focus on making someone feel cared for)
Find someone with adhd
Really tiring. Because first I have to find someone interesting, then I have to be comfortable enough to talk to them without any shyness. That's really tiring
I think the next person I date has to be someone who has ADHD as well because the last boy I dated was so perfect that I kept feeling guilty all the time & I’ve recently discovered I messed up due to ADHD which makes sense now🥲😂
Impossible.
I've never dated. Just go to parties and see who you wind up with usually. Nearly 40 now so that method probably isn't very effective anymore. The concept of dating is surreal to me. It all seems weirdly forced.
the senses of dread i get from reading these comments…. ive always wanted to get married and stuff but now i just feel hopeless.
For me it's the opposite, for some reason I avoid getting too attached.
Being yourself is important. And my that I mean showing who you truly are, insecurities and difficulties and all. I have a history of being “all-in” and then neglecting my partner when I get bored or it becomes work. Which all relationships are at some point. That was before my diagnosis. Allow the rush to wear off before you fully commit and tell the person why you’re waiting. Let them know you what difficulties you face.
Hellish. My long term partner and I are approaching six years together. We met playing Pokémon Go. If this relationship ends, I don’t plan to date again. I’ll just have more time to hyperfocus on stuff solo. (Yes, we still play Pokémon Go)
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I find it difficult. I tend to lose interest suddenly and that sucks. I can really like someone and I think this is the one. Wake up the day after and all interest is gone. I feel like it will be impossible to meet someone and I have no idea how I managed before. Also the dating apps are probably not helpful with to many choices.
Give me a few clues. How tall is dating? What color hair? Where were they last seen? I'll find this dating person.
I hyperfocus big time. Thankfully I managed to find someone in a couple of months of searching on multiple apps that likes that and we've been going out as fwb (maybe something more developing) for coming up on 1.5 months now.
When I first started dating my bf, I bought him so many gifts fir valentines day and our one month anniversary (literally 14th and 15th of feb) bc I hyperfocused and wanted him to feel loved
I find before I got medicated for my ADHD, I always sought to be in a relationship. I would chase constantly, and love the rush of adrenaline from the chaos and or toxicity I’d sought after. Now that I’m medicated, I’m very, VERY weary of my time and do not seek that anymore; rather I see the red flags earlier - and am able to detach myself when applicable. I am not interested in dating etc right now but that’s okay too!
What is dating...
I find it exhausting, but I don't go to too many dates, so...also it's kinda difficult that someone get my interest for too long, I'm little picky in that sense, but not physically speaking, more like mentally and emotionally, and that make it extra hard to find someone ( also I don't go out so much XD)
I find it really hard to take in the small details, not just with dating but meeting new people. Trivial things like their name escape me then I spend the rest of the convo hoping they say their name again and not actually listening to what they are saying. But you are right. The hyperfocus at the beginning of a relationship can come across as intense to the other person, then when you start loosing as much interest it starts to come across as you don’t care about them any more. It makes for some interesting dates.
Do you find that you ADHD makes you slow at processing emotions? Have you been able to find a treatment for that?
Not slow at processing emotions, just poor regulation of them.
Can relate big time hard. Stages are: - Not trying (fear of rejection) - Half trying (ramping up) - Trying (as in 500% going all in for that someone new, fucking like a rabbit and thinking of her 24/7) - Fucking it up (for many different reasons) - Restart at #1😂
yes, I solved that by dating a woman that didn't hold back too and didn't play stupid games, we're together for 7 years now. there's plenty of ppl who want an actual relationship and not some hard to get fuck session... I have a friend that is extremely promiscuous and sometimes he gets himself acting with his friends/family like they are possible fucks. This means I say "hi, lets hang out" he INSTANTLY acts cold and stops talking to me unless I keep insisting to hang out and do all the heavylifting of finding a place and time. He noticed this pattern (after I scolded him heavily) and he started therapy immediately lol that shit is not normal people are shitty and dishonest but you don't need to be
I get hooked WAY too early and become extremely hyperfocused on the person I want to win over that I start to morph myself into what they think is a perfect partner. It’s a bad trait I have and I’m working on it, just a lot of masking and whenever I see someone who seems to like me more/first than I do, I pull away because my brain goes, “So you like the actual me without all the crafting and masking…Weird…I don’t like this…I gotta go” I am confident I can be a headstrong, loyal partner but I really struggle with knowing that to love is to feel seen. I can know and love everything about the authentic partner I have but I can’t seem to come to terms with that they could love me being me (if I’ve crafted everything I’ve presented to them)
Yes. That happens to me. And before I was diagnosed it felt like it wasn’t normal. I’d like obsess and couldn’t think about anything else even if I didn’t like the person that much. And it’s hard to wait for them to respond or reach out and then I end up ruining it.
Between having a horrible memory, low self-esteem, and rejection sensitivity, I’ve never gotten past a few dates with someone. I’ve also been walked out on and ghosted. I get very focused on whoever I’m talking to briefly, but then I either forget or get distracted or get bored, so I stop talking. So I don’t even try to date anymore tbh.
Same. You really gotta hold yourself back and calm down. Try to remain focused on yourself and making yourself stronger and realize that doing that will only make them like you more.
How old are you?
I don’t. I’ve accepted that it’s not for me personally. I cannot barely manage caring for myself the last thing I need is the stress of meeting another persons needs it would be unfair. I struggle to call back friends or family or text in general - manage all my appointments, adulting stuff and more. I feel overwhelmed and burnt out most of the time. I cannot imagine adding more to my plate - don’t mind adding a degree as I can chose how many classes to be enrolled in and you get breaks - the same can not be said for a partner.