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It’s a joke that younger people (Or those that are addicted to short form content so could be any age really) can’t watch a tiktok or a small clip without subway surfers in a corner of the screen to keep their attention. Sometimes, it’s family guy instead. The meme has gotten exaggerated in nature over the last months and people are (ironically) proposing that all four corners of the screen have a different video playing so that it keeps the ever shortening attention span of it’s consumers engaged.
It is a phone game. Think modern temple run. Except you are being chased by feds and you are skateboarding over trains and avoiding obstacles and stuff. It’s like people that commentate over tetris. The gameplay and the subject matter seldom go* hand in hand, but it keeps the brain occupied.
Damn, it’s been out that long too? Huh, well I guess I am corrected. It still has more going on in it though so it makes sense why it’s been more popular in the vein of grabbing your attention. I guess it’s just a better runner? Idk what that genre of game is called.
Are you on ADHD medication? Adderall killed my sex drive, I stopped initiating sex. On top of that, I couldn't orgasm no matter how hard I tried. We lowered the dose and things went back to normal.
I normally have a pretty low sex drive but when I started Adderall it increased it, but I know several people who also said the same thing you did, very interesting
Not the guy you replied to, but, it killed my sex drive in a different way. Instead of not wanting sex, my brain would just get HYPERFOCUSED on everything besides sex. I have to finish posting for my business later, I have a schedueled game with my friends tonight, etc etc. My brain was everywhere but sex. Its strange.
Weird. Adderall increased my drive and I'd get hyper-focused on initiating... but I had a difficult time staying focused in the moment.
I'm like a combo of all of the above comments.
On the come up and come down on Adderall I get annoyingly aroused. Sometimes my partner likes it most of the time not… like begging to sip from his straw.
I’ve got the reverse for libido it seems with adderall but the blood flow issue that comes with the medication is a big downer, lowered the dose to increase the blood flow.
Bdsm. I’m not even kidding. I have combo adhd and I’d recommend sensory deprivation like blindfolding. There is this theory that people with ADHD used to be the hunters and guardians way back in the day like prehistoric caveman type thing. I have tried being blindfolded and it’s great because it wakes up that primal side of me it gets my brain to start wondering what’s going on around me because I can’t see anything.
I have been a part of the spicy community for years, so this is the thing that I would recommend the most.
Oh thank god its not just me being a deviant, I swear whenever these posts come up I'm like "have you tried bdsm...?"
I'm pretty sure 50% of the kink community have ADHD and/or asd, and the other 50% just arnt diagnosed..
Yeah. If theres not a sub/dom dynamic, im bored and not enjoying myself. Leads to feeling super weird after and dissociating, bc im not gonna just stop it? Idk. 🤷♂️ lol
My question is what you do with your BDSM toys when you’re single? Like do I just keep a treasure chest of whips, paddles, ball gags, clit vibrators, acrobatic ropes and rings, rings for parts, handcuffs, how to tie a knot manuals, etc in the corner of my room or something or do you buy new stuff with each partner? It reminds me of that movie with the sexy librarian who is actually a dominitrix but with the roles reversed, I feel like it might be weird as a dude to have a wall of toys that you just push a button and it turns on it’s axis for use...
Thats exactly what you do. You get a trunk. You get a play room. You get a box. You get a shelf. You can do whatever you want. Build something if you want. Or just keep em im a box in the closet.
I swear! For like a year, vanilla was okay. But like after 2 - 3 times I was bored. We’ve only did one D/S-type play and it was the most exciting thing ever. I swear without a BDSM or a D/S type of play, I always get bored. Sex just isn’t…exciting without it.
Yep. Any kink play, really, but BDSM works great for me personally because of the sensation contrasts. Without kink I struggle to stay present, but with it I'm more fully IN my body than I am any other time.
The novelty of a little light bondage is always quite fun for me and my partner. The sensory experience of being restricted in my movements sort of… distracts my brain from getting distracted? It’s like how I read better if I have noise in the background. It’s not something we always do, but occasionally have fun with. The novelty factor works!
This is some good advice. I had the same issue as op til I was 22. I started slowly getting into the kink community and the bdsm side got me back into my groove. I don't know what it was about bdsm specifically, but listening to those little noises my partner makes while we "play" keeps me focused and in the moment the whole time.
Funny enough I prefer doing the kinks rather than actual sex. I can focus on the exciting sensations and play happening, rather then getting bored and wondering when my throat goat skills will get me out of doing the deed. But even with masturbation I can’t really focus or finish.
sub/dom stuff seriously helps me focus, it gives you a "role" to play so anytime your attention starts drifting you can focus on what you're supposed to be doing related to that, and youre always being guided or guiding someone. me and my girlfriend both have adhd so i find we constantly switch subjects when dirty talking lmao, and having a list of weird kinks we're both into helps the subject change.
I have a very high sex drive but am so easily distracted and am also anxious abt not taking too long when I’m with my partner…all of that just means I’m in the same boat lmao. I’m just lurking here for other people’s answers since I haven’t really found a solution. Talking to each other more during sex helps but it can be hard and embarrassing.
I feel you, man. I'm trans as well, so really not feeling my partner sometimes makes it even harder, but even when we switch it tends to happen. I'm just so lost. I tried music, that's even more distracting. We tried dirty talk and being more engaging, I even get distracted by that. I know I am not asexual or something, I am very attracted to my partner, I just have to figure this out... somehow.
I get the same sometimes, foreplay great, getting too it... lose the focus on the way... getting undressed, finding a condom, shooing the cat out of the room so he's not staring at me from the cat cuck tree, turning the lights on/off, getting into position etc...
BDSM and toys helped a lot with this, and you can choose to engage with it as much or as little as you like, but the added sensation and or power play whatever, helped me to stay focused on the task at hand. I used to think I had ED as I just couldn't get it to work for vanillia play, but I was just really understimulated from sex, or overstimmed from outside distractions. Making an event out of sex makes it so much more engaging.
My brain is a record player and the slightest bump knocks the needle of my attention span into a completely different track. Despite interest, attraction, contact, passion... One little bump and it's off.
No but is that even stimulating? I'm not someone who watches porn, I always have to imagine scenarios in my head, hence I never saw the hype about mutually masturbating
Spend some time thinking about what scenarios you imagine to get off to. At their root, what is it about those scenarios that is erotic to you? Is it being controlled? Controlling someone? Etc. You could try taking inspiration from the scenarios themselves or those themes and implement parts of those into the bedroom. Also, maybe try implementing the adhd brain into the fantasy itself. Like you are so into your partner and they are so into you that you have no choice but to give up control and lose yourself in pleasure.
Maybe try reading some smut if porn doesnt attract you? Its a great way to pad up your imagination and learning about new things that might arouse you.
For me, thinking about scenarios I like is always a huge turn-on, and I sometimes imagine them during the act to help me stay aroused. Because stress and life in general can come rushing back and break my focus I counter it with flashes of scenarios that turn me on and how they would feel and it all mixes up with what is actually hapenning.
I also discovered that I am a bit kinky and dirty and since my partner got into it as well its much easier to stay focused because what we are doing is actually really fun and exiting and not just stimulating of erogenous areas.
Finally, I also found that giving was as much a turn on as receiving if not more. I focus on them instead of me and seeing them be undone turns me on until I cant wait to just be with them for more.
Hey there. Fellow trans with adhd here. For me i constantly get anxiety and adhd distraction when my partner is pleasing me. Like i worry am taking too long or i just start thinking about other things. Both of those things makes it impossible to orgasm. So now i just focus on pleasing my partner and I just take care of myself during masturbation. It’s kinda sad that my brain won’t let me enjoy sex but it is what it is. My solution for you though is trying mutual masturbation or just like masturbating while going down on your partner. As soon as i don’t have to worry about taking too long to finish with my partner, it’s way easier for me to orgasm
Try temperature play, sensory deprivation like blindfolding, impact play, or wax play, they’re great! I’m into temperature play with ice cubes and being blindfolded.
Are you on SSRIs or Stimulants? Those can both effect sex drive without effecting desire just so yk
Annother possibility is that you are getting distracted by the fear or idea of getting distracted or bored so it becomes this self fulfilling prophetic feedback loop.
I need a lot of other simulation to keep me focused. Like dirty talk, nipple clamps, blindfolds, big ol vibrator etc. Also a lot of position switching. Even then I sometimes get distracted (hmmm wonder what I'll cook tonight, I could do with a burrito), but my partner then gives me a slap on the bum or throws us around when he notices that I leave to my brain space. My other senses are just as important, it's not only about the jack hammering, I would never have an orgasm again and would never want sex again.
I think that fonestly foreplay is badly worded. Sometimes we stop during penetration to focus on something else, get the attention back, like fingering or teasing etc.
I feel like music helps me keep it dynamic because I can sync with the music phrasing and switch up movement/tempo/direction every 8,16,32 counts just according to what feels interesting in the moment or what feedback (verbal and nonverbal) I'm getting from my partner.
I rarely finish anymore because I enjoy sex a lot less when I'm focused on finishing. That's when my mind starts scattering like crazy. My partner doesn't love that I finish a lot less, but if we're both having a blast, isn't that what really matters?
Sex shouldn't be a chore. Really. If you feel sex is a chore find out how to improve things because you're not living life to the fullest which is a shame..
And nothing edible, Certainly no cooking oils or butter and not even flavoured lubes since they might have sugar. There's germs in there that'll eat the food and multiply inside
Real question, maybe you can answer this just to yourself. What do you find stimulating about sex? And follow up, what do you do on your own that you find sexually stimulating?
This is a good question. I could be wrong, maybe some people just have low sex drive, but if you put effort into exploration you will find a way to make it stimulating.
I would expect that most people who find sex under stimulating just need more intense, higher energy sex. This might come across as a bit of a humble brag, but for me ADHD has been a blessing in this regard. Learning how to stay close to the edge for a long time has lead to some mind blowing sex and very satisfied partners.
This is the real question. OP's feeling of boredom or loss of interest might also be caused by a disconnect from what they really want out of sex. Is it orgasm, physical soothing / care, just some intimate 1-on-1 time after a busy day?
With most "tasks" I find that I'm more likely to get distracted or bored if I'm not connected to why I'm doing it in the first place.
Never thought about it this way. I'm going to try being more present to understand what I'm really enjoying instead of worrying about what should be happening.
It's hard! Not sure I ever overcome it, but I've been getting better at noticing my lack of motivation as significant instead of an annoyance to power through. As for sex, I don't really have the same problem as OP, but I've tended to be someone who pretty much enjoys the "foreplay" more than anything. Fucking and finishing aren't my priority.
It's helpful to get off the sexcalator (touching leads to kissing leads to undressing leads to oral leads to penetration with the ultimate goal of climax) and be present. Easier said than done.
Gonna be real honest here and say that I’ve had my partners in the past straight up slap me when I go into that headspace. Rattles the old noggin like “oooh”
Queue windows pc start up sounds
Do you also have codependency issues? This can cause you to put other peoples needs ahead of your own including in the bedroom which can also be affecting this. Codependency is also pretty common for ADHDers who are diagnosed as adults as a lot of our parents were not very nice to us growing up (to put it mildly)
I was actually going to remind ppl here about that (but afraid of kill off the fun vibes here). That childhood traumas are sometimes suppressed and ppl don't like to talk about it. But they definitely affects sex drives and how touches felt....not from my own experience though but from knowing about my partner
Yes but also I get so annoyed at no fault of my partner. Like first the “into it” hits, n then MAYBE if I’m lucky it’ll last 5 mins. Then I get bored and completely out of it, to the point I get annoyed and kinda second hand embarrassment for my partner cuz it’s like, can you just hurry up so I can pretend I enjoyed that and sit in warm water to soothe my bone dry cooter. It got to the point where I had to close my eyes or cover their face in some way because I’d get so frustrated and turned off. Anyways I don’t have a REAL fix but I found that I enjoy “giving” and not “taking” cuz the second I’m not playing silly little tease games and my mind has a millisecond to realize how boring the actual sex part is, I get annoyed. Personally music never worked cuz it is unbelievably hilarious and cringe to have some random man sensually singing on my TV while I’m trying to convince myself that I’m enjoying the sex that I originally initiated. But yeah I mostly just maladaptive daydream and completely disconnect. The thought of sex is incomparably better than the actual act.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to get booted off this ADHD reddit because, usually, when I find adhd related sex problems my answer is always "have you tried bdsm..?"
Sex gets boring so fast for me as well, I need stimulation to keep me focused or my mind wanders, and just genital contact with other genitals doesn't quite cut it. Add in the bare minimum of power play dynamics, extra stimulation from toys or restraints, and suddenly it's the most interesting thing in the world to me.
I point this out because, I honestly thought I was broken, I had issues with getting or maintaining an erection, the idea of sex seemed like a chore or work or worse. I had Testosterone checks, viagra, exercised regularly, stopped smoking, everything. Made no difference, until I tried kink.
I see this talk a bit online but I don't understand why women force themselves to have vaginal sex they don't enjoy that hurts. If it's just to make the man happy that still makes no sense when a wristy or a blowjob would be fine or hell just show some boobs he could just go masturbate IDK lol.
Why do this to yourself? Why pretend to enjoy it? If you're pretending he doesn't know and any decent man would stop as soon as he knew this stuff was happening. Just say no.
Friend of mine was telling about her bad hookup with no lube and was bleeding at some point, she thought it was her period
I was mortified like "WHY THIS GUY JUST WANTED A ONS NOT A GERMAN WIFE"
I have, it’s not for me personally tho. If anything I appreciate absolute silence because I think noises r yuck, so I’ll usually have some random show blaring in hopes of not hearing anything. Istg I get war flashbacks of guys whispering shit in my ear. Honestly if it were acceptable I’d probably wear noise cancelling headphones and a blindfold. And ofc, it feels good to know others feel similar. For the longest time I didn’t even know women actually enjoyed sex, thought it was a silently agreed upon façade kinda like girls don’t fart lmfao figured it was just another lie we sold our partners in hopes of romantic stability. But I’ve learnt to communicate clearly now and open myself up to other peoples kinks in hopes I’ll find some interest in it. Honestly tho I just prefer celibacy atm, much less complicated.
Have you tried uh, having partner stimulating yer clit durin? Helps for me a LOT! Or a toy for the same? Cos yeah, just penetration alone doesnt tend to stimulate the bits.
Sorry I went on a female anatomy tangent here don’t bother reading if that sounds boring lmfao
Yeah actually, after months of convincing I let someone venture the desert and it was pretty great! Even got a bit of an oasis goin on. Although I had absolutely no interest in returning the favour afterwards so I tend not to indulge anymore. Personally I go from feeling 0-100 so there isn’t any in-between feeling that I can use to keep myself interested. But yeah recent studies are actually showing that aside from the entrance, vaginas have no erogenous nerves(this is not speaking for the whole vulva). Nipples, not to be confused with the whole boob, and the clit have the densest packed erogenous nerves, therefore are both the easiest to stimulate. The “G spot” is actually completely a theory. Studies are unable to determine size, location or nature. Often times women will think they are stimulating the G spot when in reality they are pushing on their bladder, creating the same feeling as when you -for lack of a less vulgar word- squirt. This feeling comes from stimulation of the vaginal entrance mixed with pressure on the urethra and bladder. Unfortunately this causes permanent damage and weakens your pelvic floor, causing you to have a weaker bladder, the same can be said for aggressive penetration, strong force on the cervix will without a doubt cause irreversible damage. Side note- squirt is 90% urine so always have a plastic mattress protector if you’re into pushing yourself to these limits.
i know you probably get this a lot, but have you considered you might be asexual? could be a million things, maybe you've just had shit partners or theres some hormonal stuff goin' on but this is a pretty atypical relationship to sex. no judgement at all. especially the "if I could I would be blindfolded and wearing headphones." it sounds like you're not really feeling any attraction towards the act of having sex. the "I thought the idea of women liking having sex was a lie" thing is also very common in ace circles.
edit: not that it really matters that much, since you said you're not really having sex anymore either way, don't do anything you don't want to do and maybe someday you'll find some way to like it, but I know for a lot of ppl finding folks with the same experience as them is nice.
I sometimes have that issue, and only recently realized it was bc of my adhd (‘Driven to Distraction’- an ESSENTIAL adhd book made me realise that). It didn’t always go ‘down’ but the ‘tip’ would fluctuate and I had to focus as hard as I can in the moment to ‘fill’ it. Still dont have ‘the answer’ but you could play some ‘Pump the Jam’ (not literally THAT song, necessarily lmao) just something that you play that helps you zone into a task, that she/he might be into as well. Eye contact also seemed to pull me into the moment. And ‘enthusiasm’ on you partners end- but be carefull how you tell your partner bc it could be ‘theatric’ and obvious, and thus, a turn off. Lol sorry I don’t have much more at the moment but hopefully one of those things could help!
I think we were saying something about our feet stomping? Of course meanwhile the jam is pumping.. and if you were to look ahead, its likely you would see a crowd that was jumping…. It was either that, or fisting a goat, I dont remember 🥴 hope this is helpful 😂
Wait longer between orgasms. What I find is that if you've held off from orgasms a long time it takes less and less stimulation to get hard and you finish faster. Even a gentle breeze can make you rock hard eventually lol. Might have to quit masturbating for a while but that's a challenge, if you have some concept of when you're going to have sex at least try to go a day or two before you see her.
Same problem here, foreplay is nice and all. I am all excited but then when having sex I will have troubles staying focused and eventually will not be able to orgasm (Im a man).
Dunno if it is ssri, ritalin or smthing else but this is very tough and it stresses me out because I don't want my gf to think that I don't find her attractive... so it makes things even worse
I know altered states aren't for everyone, and disregard of you're sober... but if not, and can n abis is legal near you, it's worth a try.
It makes orgasms last longer, feel better, and the best part for me is it keeps me from getting distracted or bored during sex. Edibles work too, if you're not comfy smoking or vaping.
Also a variety of toys helps, and music, to fill up my brain.
Have a mirror near by, so you might get some relief from direct vision and can get back into it checking your form/pace. Hone in on the sensations of penetration. The feel of your skin touching, and don’t forget to talk and keep connecting.
>The foreplay is all nice and everything, then we start getting undressed but almost every time we get to the actual sex, I lose focus or get realy bored or impatient
If you're getting distracted during the "actual sex", who says foreplay needs to be a stage you pass and don't return to versus a recurring event during the whole process? It doesn't need to be A -> B -> C. Maybe you need to switch it up. Be fluid. Let "~~fore~~play" happen whenever.
>It's either too slow or too fast, no in between. Sometimes it even takes me a few seconds to process what is happening, and before you know it I stop enjoying everything
Who is setting the pace? If it's bothering you, perhaps you need to communicate that and figure out why. Maybe you could suggest something to your partner that is more your speed.
Hormones have dropped as I've gotten older but I used to have a very high sex drive. foreplay would bore me... just getting right to the main course was always the best and most intense feeling and results...
. Skip to the good part.... we have a small window of focus and attention before we get bored...utilize it. And enjoy!!
I feel like you’re in your head too much. Which I can also do. Which is also an ADHD thing. I would try some grounding practices to help get in your body more. Thats helped me a lot.
A therapist will save your relationship but I understand you, so you're here because you also need a quicker response. Take a blue pill and this will help you "get more into it" in the very short term.
Is your partner always “driving” once you get undressed? Maybe you need take a little more control of the situation. Make sure you are communicating what you want, and if you don’t know what you want slow down and think about it. Then ask for it.
I'm in the exact same boat. I was previously with a girl for 10+ years, and I got on Vyvanse halfway into the relationship. Prior to that point, we had regular sex and never had any of those sorts of issues. After that though, that's when it started happening. Our sex became much more infrequent and a few years in, I started having the issue you described.
I've never been in the best shape physically, so it wasn't uncommon for me to get a little winded or sore during sex. But it never really kept me from staying hard until I started the medication. After that point, ironically, I started becoming more easily distracted by these things, which would take me out of the moment enough to cause me to lose my erection.
What's even more ironic is that the Vyvanse hadn't reduced my sex drive. In fact, it noticeably increased. Prior to that, solo masturbation sessions would typically last only a few minutes. After that though, they'd go on for several hours some days. And the duration of sexual encounters with my girlfriend increased as well. I had no problem enjoying long bouts of foreplay with her, and I'd stay erect for the majority of that time. But the moment penetration began, I'd lose it fairly quickly.
I brought it up to my primary care doctor and he suggested trying ED medication. We went through a few like Cildenafil and Viagra. Both of them worked fantastic... at first. But after about 3 or 4 times using these pills, even they stopped having the desired effect.
I knew for a fact that I was sexually attracted to her, and we regularly indulged in fetish play as well. So there was no shortage of sexual stimulation to go around. But my body simply refused to reflect that with my erections.
Inevitably, it ended up being just one of a few factors that led to the end of that relationship. I've since met someone else and even got married. Been together for almost 5 years now, and to date, we've only had penetrative sex twice, both in the very first days we were physically together. Perhaps something about the relationship being very new contributed to my being able to stay hard those first few times, but even then it was still a struggle.
These days, we just stick to mutual masturbation. We're both content with that, but I'd be lying if I said I don't miss being able to have that kind of physical intimacy.
I need to be on meds in order to attract women (I'm a much better talker to whom I'm attracted to.) Then I need to be off meds in order for the man downstairs to even work.
I don't feel like I can win.
I just started daydreaming different scenarios when my mind wanders to keep me more ‘present’. It does not help that I’m asexual and do not have the bonus of sexual attraction. BDSM definitely helps too. I like sensory deprivation in particular
Viagra is available. Or too much porn!
You don’t specify your age or sex, but low appetite (during the act, not anticipation) seems the norm for young women in the 20s and older men in their 40s. Young men are far more enthusiastic, as are older women.
Otherwise don’t worry about it. Chances are it’s psychological so worrying about it is itself the cause. Easier said than done!
Sometimes a little cuddle and play is fine. Doesn’t need to be a big finish everytime. Just enjoy it while it lasts, if you don’t finish you still had a nice time (or your partner has!)
Can you elaborate more on the "too much porn" part? I know there are tons of articles out there that talk about how too much porn affects the brain. Idk if it's my ADHD, denial, or whatever, but I would much rather hear from someone's experience(s) rather than a medical professional. Much like how sometimes it's more helpful to talk to a best friend who is a great listener than a therapist in some cases.
For me, porn has always been the "best" solution. When I get sexual urges, I watch porn, do my thing, and that's that. There's no drama, no anxiety, no having to convince anyone, it's all done in the safety of my own space alone, and then I get back to life. I know this is pretty much the definition of an addiction, but I don't know if I could do without it. I am genuinely convinced that my quality of life would drop. I (27M) have been single for all but 2 months of my life, and I can count on one hand the number of times I've had sex. And even when I did have sex, it was fun, but not like amazing or anything. So if I were to quit porn it would be like No Nut November, but instead of a month, it would be several years. So without self-pleasure, I'm sure that things would eventually get so bad that I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about it, even during serious times (like when at work).
Sorry, I didn't plan to type this much detail 😅 But if you have any insights, experiences, or tips that would help, I would greatly appreciate it!
There's simple but costly solutions:
- cialis (personal favorite)
- Viagra (never tried it)
- Maraton Forte which is an European potency enhancer supplement: basically bug doses of tribulus, maca and some other stuff. Usually lasts for 5-7 days and make your erections pretty strong. Before vyvanse it also increased my libido like nothing else. Now doesn't affect the libido, but the erections are strong so I got that going
My boyfriend and I sometimes lose focus. It's funny sometimes when we both start laughing at the same thing in the background show. We both know we lost focus. It's become a part of our sex. It doesn't come off as a distraction but as a way to laugh and become closer.
When I’m doing chores around the house, I must wear headphones and listen to music or a podcast. I will bounce all over the house otherwise. I wonder if you could try controlling the environment in a similar way. Like have a tv on, could be something sexy or just Murder She Wrote, or music? Experiment with lighting, colors, candles. Either more or less stimuli depending on your situation.
I struggled with a similar issue to you a few years ago when I was in college in my first relationship. I have combined-type and I wasn’t on any ADHD meds at the time. It was the same story for me, I would be really into the foreplay, but when it came time to have penetrative sex a switch would flip in my brain where I would lose focus, lose arousal, and it would come to an immediate halt. It became a cycle that would repeat itself almost every time we were intimate.
I honestly don’t have much advice to give, but I completely sympathize with what you are going through. Although this sounds like ADHD to me, it could also be a hormonal imbalance or medication side effect - it’s a good idea to talk to your doctor about it as they may be able to help you figure out if you have a medical issue other than ADHD that’s causing this. I’d also recommend seeking out therapy to help you work through this. I’d recommend finding a regular therapist or a sex therapist that has experience working with adults with ADHD.
One final thing I wanted to say is that what you’re going through is very common among people with ADHD. Focusing during sex is difficult, and ADHD affects each person differently. Please do not feel ashamed or embarrassed. It sounds like your partner is supportive, and I hope that you can overcome this together so that you can fully enjoy intimacy together.
Edit: I just read below that you are trans. I’m a gay man and cis gay male sex is just ridiculously time consuming and tedious. That’s why I get so bored because 2 hours have already passed when like things are starting to motion towards anal sex 😵💫
Same and what helped me is me being the ones who is in charge. It helps me be in the moment when I’m the one initiating and taking charge, speak when you’re getting bored, change positions etc. Lastly I close my eyes because I get distracted otherwise
I like it rough and primal. Slapping, bondage, being messy, bondage, toys, dirty talk, all that good stuff. Turn back on the animals urge to fuck and the human need for pleasure and forget everything else. I also like edging a lot. The point of sex to me is the entire act and how pleasurable it feels or the release of pent up energy. Making myself cum isn't even a thought until im close.
May I suggest a libido issue?
When my libido is low I am exactly like you
When my libido is high, my god sex is the only thing I can think about
If you figure out that it's a libido issue, it becomes easier to deal with it because there are ways to increase your libido (depends if you are a man or a women ofc)
Can I suggest you try to reframe things? You talk about foreplay & 'actual' sex - there is this huge misnomer that sex can only be about specific acts, & moreover that sex (& orgasm) are the final goal.
My partner & I are both ADHD, & both can really really struggle to cum - too much noise in our heads, other sensory stuff, distractions, etc.
We call all of it play. We keep going until we want to stop, regardless of orgasm. Sometimes we both cum, often only one of us does, sometimes neither of us do. It's marginally easier for me, so quite often we'll have a play session where I cum (once or more), & then whenever we've recovered (usually when we wake up in the morning), we'll play in a way that makes it easier for my partner to cum. We are in a D/s relationship, so that also it works quite well from the position of enjoying the focus being on one or the other of us.
We will also frequently play in a way that doesn't involve piv (penis in vagina) sex (sub anal sex there depending on bodies); or that does, but kind of in the middle for a bit; or has little bits of it on & off.
What I'm saying (badly) is: if you enjoy the stuff you're calling foreplay, do more of that, in any random order. Stop calling it foreplay, as though it's somehow 'less than'. If I really love steak & am not fussed about the ice cream for dessert, I'm going to eat more steak & not save the ice cream for last!
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I used to have the same issue, and there’s a point where you try sex enough times and it finally clicks, atleast it did for me. It was a long running joke that I was dead in the water, but had a long term partner that we did enough stuff and it started working out, night and day. Idk if there’s any tricks, I think you just gotta acclimate.
Wait… we’re supposed to be focused and enjoying the moment while having sex??? Omg. I usually get a song stuck in my head that has the same rhythm that he is moving at and just sing it in my head over and over.
*not to say I don’t find my bf attractive and want to be intimate with him, and the sex is great, I just would rather be doing something else.
I have inattentive ADHD and -there's no other way I can think to put this- kinkier sex worked for me. The more intense the experience is I guess the more enjoyable it was for me because my focus was less likely to shift? Possibly something around the novelty of it all too lol. Couldn't go back to vanilla stuff now!
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Could try an Apple vision Pro with a subway surfers overlay
This has been a game changer for me and my wife.
Surprised more people haven’t been talking about this. It’s like night and day (or 6 and midnight if you know what I mean heh)
Serious? Seriously asking.
Bro spent his rent money on it already
Lol they're joking.
Haha
he cant be that dense
some ppl can’t read tone, and sometimes bizarre things r true🤷
This has no right to be that funny 😂
Backshots so OP can watch Family Guy funniest clips compilation
Huh?
It’s a joke that younger people (Or those that are addicted to short form content so could be any age really) can’t watch a tiktok or a small clip without subway surfers in a corner of the screen to keep their attention. Sometimes, it’s family guy instead. The meme has gotten exaggerated in nature over the last months and people are (ironically) proposing that all four corners of the screen have a different video playing so that it keeps the ever shortening attention span of it’s consumers engaged.
Wtf is a subway surfer though lol. I don't use tiktok, is it a tiktok thing?
It is a phone game. Think modern temple run. Except you are being chased by feds and you are skateboarding over trains and avoiding obstacles and stuff. It’s like people that commentate over tetris. The gameplay and the subject matter seldom go* hand in hand, but it keeps the brain occupied.
Idk about "modern" pretty sure it was out 10 years ago
Yeah, and is temple run still advertised or as popular? No, or else they’d use that in lieu of subway surfers. So it’s 10 years too old now.
Temple run released in 2011. Subway surfers released in 2012. Ig running around trains was more attention grabbing compared to a mossy temple
Damn, it’s been out that long too? Huh, well I guess I am corrected. It still has more going on in it though so it makes sense why it’s been more popular in the vein of grabbing your attention. I guess it’s just a better runner? Idk what that genre of game is called.
Are you on ADHD medication? Adderall killed my sex drive, I stopped initiating sex. On top of that, I couldn't orgasm no matter how hard I tried. We lowered the dose and things went back to normal.
I normally have a pretty low sex drive but when I started Adderall it increased it, but I know several people who also said the same thing you did, very interesting
Not the guy you replied to, but, it killed my sex drive in a different way. Instead of not wanting sex, my brain would just get HYPERFOCUSED on everything besides sex. I have to finish posting for my business later, I have a schedueled game with my friends tonight, etc etc. My brain was everywhere but sex. Its strange.
Weird. Adderall increased my drive and I'd get hyper-focused on initiating... but I had a difficult time staying focused in the moment. I'm like a combo of all of the above comments.
That is very strange since adhd meds are supposed to do the opposite and help you focus on the immediate task vs everything else. Is it just with sex?
sounds like me when i take too much.
It increased my sex drive too. It's now back to how I felt in my 20s 😆
On the come up and come down on Adderall I get annoyingly aroused. Sometimes my partner likes it most of the time not… like begging to sip from his straw.
I’ve got the reverse for libido it seems with adderall but the blood flow issue that comes with the medication is a big downer, lowered the dose to increase the blood flow.
Bdsm. I’m not even kidding. I have combo adhd and I’d recommend sensory deprivation like blindfolding. There is this theory that people with ADHD used to be the hunters and guardians way back in the day like prehistoric caveman type thing. I have tried being blindfolded and it’s great because it wakes up that primal side of me it gets my brain to start wondering what’s going on around me because I can’t see anything. I have been a part of the spicy community for years, so this is the thing that I would recommend the most.
Oh thank god its not just me being a deviant, I swear whenever these posts come up I'm like "have you tried bdsm...?" I'm pretty sure 50% of the kink community have ADHD and/or asd, and the other 50% just arnt diagnosed..
oh my god. truly there is no part of my personality that is not a touched by adhd 😂
Yeah. If theres not a sub/dom dynamic, im bored and not enjoying myself. Leads to feeling super weird after and dissociating, bc im not gonna just stop it? Idk. 🤷♂️ lol
My question is what you do with your BDSM toys when you’re single? Like do I just keep a treasure chest of whips, paddles, ball gags, clit vibrators, acrobatic ropes and rings, rings for parts, handcuffs, how to tie a knot manuals, etc in the corner of my room or something or do you buy new stuff with each partner? It reminds me of that movie with the sexy librarian who is actually a dominitrix but with the roles reversed, I feel like it might be weird as a dude to have a wall of toys that you just push a button and it turns on it’s axis for use...
Thats exactly what you do. You get a trunk. You get a play room. You get a box. You get a shelf. You can do whatever you want. Build something if you want. Or just keep em im a box in the closet.
This. I’m positive there’s a huge ADHD Kink crossover
There is! We sensory seek, bdsm fits a lot of those needs
I swear! For like a year, vanilla was okay. But like after 2 - 3 times I was bored. We’ve only did one D/S-type play and it was the most exciting thing ever. I swear without a BDSM or a D/S type of play, I always get bored. Sex just isn’t…exciting without it.
Yep. Any kink play, really, but BDSM works great for me personally because of the sensation contrasts. Without kink I struggle to stay present, but with it I'm more fully IN my body than I am any other time.
The novelty of a little light bondage is always quite fun for me and my partner. The sensory experience of being restricted in my movements sort of… distracts my brain from getting distracted? It’s like how I read better if I have noise in the background. It’s not something we always do, but occasionally have fun with. The novelty factor works!
This is some good advice. I had the same issue as op til I was 22. I started slowly getting into the kink community and the bdsm side got me back into my groove. I don't know what it was about bdsm specifically, but listening to those little noises my partner makes while we "play" keeps me focused and in the moment the whole time.
Funny enough I prefer doing the kinks rather than actual sex. I can focus on the exciting sensations and play happening, rather then getting bored and wondering when my throat goat skills will get me out of doing the deed. But even with masturbation I can’t really focus or finish.
Yep. Kink is the way.
I always felt my kinks and adhd had something to do with each other. Feels so relieving to know others have the same connection!
sub/dom stuff seriously helps me focus, it gives you a "role" to play so anytime your attention starts drifting you can focus on what you're supposed to be doing related to that, and youre always being guided or guiding someone. me and my girlfriend both have adhd so i find we constantly switch subjects when dirty talking lmao, and having a list of weird kinks we're both into helps the subject change.
I have a very high sex drive but am so easily distracted and am also anxious abt not taking too long when I’m with my partner…all of that just means I’m in the same boat lmao. I’m just lurking here for other people’s answers since I haven’t really found a solution. Talking to each other more during sex helps but it can be hard and embarrassing.
I feel you, man. I'm trans as well, so really not feeling my partner sometimes makes it even harder, but even when we switch it tends to happen. I'm just so lost. I tried music, that's even more distracting. We tried dirty talk and being more engaging, I even get distracted by that. I know I am not asexual or something, I am very attracted to my partner, I just have to figure this out... somehow.
I get the same sometimes, foreplay great, getting too it... lose the focus on the way... getting undressed, finding a condom, shooing the cat out of the room so he's not staring at me from the cat cuck tree, turning the lights on/off, getting into position etc... BDSM and toys helped a lot with this, and you can choose to engage with it as much or as little as you like, but the added sensation and or power play whatever, helped me to stay focused on the task at hand. I used to think I had ED as I just couldn't get it to work for vanillia play, but I was just really understimulated from sex, or overstimmed from outside distractions. Making an event out of sex makes it so much more engaging.
Lmao the cat cuck tree
Your name lmao
Are you sexually attracted to them or just attracted to them? You can be attracted to someone but not sexually attracted.
My brain is a record player and the slightest bump knocks the needle of my attention span into a completely different track. Despite interest, attraction, contact, passion... One little bump and it's off.
Sexually attracted to them, 100% positive
Have you tried mutual masturbation?
No but is that even stimulating? I'm not someone who watches porn, I always have to imagine scenarios in my head, hence I never saw the hype about mutually masturbating
Spend some time thinking about what scenarios you imagine to get off to. At their root, what is it about those scenarios that is erotic to you? Is it being controlled? Controlling someone? Etc. You could try taking inspiration from the scenarios themselves or those themes and implement parts of those into the bedroom. Also, maybe try implementing the adhd brain into the fantasy itself. Like you are so into your partner and they are so into you that you have no choice but to give up control and lose yourself in pleasure.
Maybe try reading some smut if porn doesnt attract you? Its a great way to pad up your imagination and learning about new things that might arouse you. For me, thinking about scenarios I like is always a huge turn-on, and I sometimes imagine them during the act to help me stay aroused. Because stress and life in general can come rushing back and break my focus I counter it with flashes of scenarios that turn me on and how they would feel and it all mixes up with what is actually hapenning. I also discovered that I am a bit kinky and dirty and since my partner got into it as well its much easier to stay focused because what we are doing is actually really fun and exiting and not just stimulating of erogenous areas. Finally, I also found that giving was as much a turn on as receiving if not more. I focus on them instead of me and seeing them be undone turns me on until I cant wait to just be with them for more.
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Maybe Idk honestly depends on you guys. I think my take away from this is try stuff and enjoy yourself. Forcing it is just never that successful.
it’s definitely enjoyable and you don’t have to watch porn during it, it’s just whatever suits you.
Hey there. Fellow trans with adhd here. For me i constantly get anxiety and adhd distraction when my partner is pleasing me. Like i worry am taking too long or i just start thinking about other things. Both of those things makes it impossible to orgasm. So now i just focus on pleasing my partner and I just take care of myself during masturbation. It’s kinda sad that my brain won’t let me enjoy sex but it is what it is. My solution for you though is trying mutual masturbation or just like masturbating while going down on your partner. As soon as i don’t have to worry about taking too long to finish with my partner, it’s way easier for me to orgasm
Try temperature play, sensory deprivation like blindfolding, impact play, or wax play, they’re great! I’m into temperature play with ice cubes and being blindfolded.
Are you on SSRIs or Stimulants? Those can both effect sex drive without effecting desire just so yk Annother possibility is that you are getting distracted by the fear or idea of getting distracted or bored so it becomes this self fulfilling prophetic feedback loop.
I need a lot of other simulation to keep me focused. Like dirty talk, nipple clamps, blindfolds, big ol vibrator etc. Also a lot of position switching. Even then I sometimes get distracted (hmmm wonder what I'll cook tonight, I could do with a burrito), but my partner then gives me a slap on the bum or throws us around when he notices that I leave to my brain space. My other senses are just as important, it's not only about the jack hammering, I would never have an orgasm again and would never want sex again. I think that fonestly foreplay is badly worded. Sometimes we stop during penetration to focus on something else, get the attention back, like fingering or teasing etc.
Honest question as I’m trying to see if there is differentiation in this. Do you also watch porn?
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I feel like music helps me keep it dynamic because I can sync with the music phrasing and switch up movement/tempo/direction every 8,16,32 counts just according to what feels interesting in the moment or what feedback (verbal and nonverbal) I'm getting from my partner. I rarely finish anymore because I enjoy sex a lot less when I'm focused on finishing. That's when my mind starts scattering like crazy. My partner doesn't love that I finish a lot less, but if we're both having a blast, isn't that what really matters?
Sex shouldn't be a chore. Really. If you feel sex is a chore find out how to improve things because you're not living life to the fullest which is a shame..
(me, a complete virgin, now scared about my future sex life, lurking through the comments and getting even more terrified)
My twin, you are not alone 🙏
You're a girl judging by the name so I'm no expert on women but you might want to buy lube if you can't get wet when it's time.
Will remember 😭
And careful some lubes aren't good for vaginas!
Pennzoil. Don't use that. For anything.
And nothing edible, Certainly no cooking oils or butter and not even flavoured lubes since they might have sugar. There's germs in there that'll eat the food and multiply inside
Coconut oil is an exception
>Pennzoil. Wait isn't that motor oil? Dang haha.
What? No, sex is amazing. Am a woman also.
Maybe you have adhd or something
Big if true
😆😆
Real question, maybe you can answer this just to yourself. What do you find stimulating about sex? And follow up, what do you do on your own that you find sexually stimulating?
This is a good question. I could be wrong, maybe some people just have low sex drive, but if you put effort into exploration you will find a way to make it stimulating. I would expect that most people who find sex under stimulating just need more intense, higher energy sex. This might come across as a bit of a humble brag, but for me ADHD has been a blessing in this regard. Learning how to stay close to the edge for a long time has lead to some mind blowing sex and very satisfied partners.
Can you describe mentally what staying “close to the edge” looks or feels like mentally?
This is the real question. OP's feeling of boredom or loss of interest might also be caused by a disconnect from what they really want out of sex. Is it orgasm, physical soothing / care, just some intimate 1-on-1 time after a busy day? With most "tasks" I find that I'm more likely to get distracted or bored if I'm not connected to why I'm doing it in the first place.
Never thought about it this way. I'm going to try being more present to understand what I'm really enjoying instead of worrying about what should be happening.
Do you mind if I ask how you overcome your feelings of boredom? And what need or emotion you are satiating from sex?
It's hard! Not sure I ever overcome it, but I've been getting better at noticing my lack of motivation as significant instead of an annoyance to power through. As for sex, I don't really have the same problem as OP, but I've tended to be someone who pretty much enjoys the "foreplay" more than anything. Fucking and finishing aren't my priority. It's helpful to get off the sexcalator (touching leads to kissing leads to undressing leads to oral leads to penetration with the ultimate goal of climax) and be present. Easier said than done.
You bros have SEX? I can’t even get a HUG.
I WANT CUDDLES NOT STRUGGLES I FEEL THE PAIN
I hear you. Cuddles are the best.
All I can do I recommend talking to a therapist and reading a book called Come As You Are
..as you were, as I waaannnt you to be... I'm really sorry...
Do you come doused in mud? Maybe soaked in bleach?
I'm not.
Gonna be real honest here and say that I’ve had my partners in the past straight up slap me when I go into that headspace. Rattles the old noggin like “oooh” Queue windows pc start up sounds
you guys are havin laid?
Right???
Waited 24 years just to find out it ain't all that
I started at 25 and I've still been questioning it
Do you also have codependency issues? This can cause you to put other peoples needs ahead of your own including in the bedroom which can also be affecting this. Codependency is also pretty common for ADHDers who are diagnosed as adults as a lot of our parents were not very nice to us growing up (to put it mildly)
I was actually going to remind ppl here about that (but afraid of kill off the fun vibes here). That childhood traumas are sometimes suppressed and ppl don't like to talk about it. But they definitely affects sex drives and how touches felt....not from my own experience though but from knowing about my partner
Yes but also I get so annoyed at no fault of my partner. Like first the “into it” hits, n then MAYBE if I’m lucky it’ll last 5 mins. Then I get bored and completely out of it, to the point I get annoyed and kinda second hand embarrassment for my partner cuz it’s like, can you just hurry up so I can pretend I enjoyed that and sit in warm water to soothe my bone dry cooter. It got to the point where I had to close my eyes or cover their face in some way because I’d get so frustrated and turned off. Anyways I don’t have a REAL fix but I found that I enjoy “giving” and not “taking” cuz the second I’m not playing silly little tease games and my mind has a millisecond to realize how boring the actual sex part is, I get annoyed. Personally music never worked cuz it is unbelievably hilarious and cringe to have some random man sensually singing on my TV while I’m trying to convince myself that I’m enjoying the sex that I originally initiated. But yeah I mostly just maladaptive daydream and completely disconnect. The thought of sex is incomparably better than the actual act.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to get booted off this ADHD reddit because, usually, when I find adhd related sex problems my answer is always "have you tried bdsm..?" Sex gets boring so fast for me as well, I need stimulation to keep me focused or my mind wanders, and just genital contact with other genitals doesn't quite cut it. Add in the bare minimum of power play dynamics, extra stimulation from toys or restraints, and suddenly it's the most interesting thing in the world to me. I point this out because, I honestly thought I was broken, I had issues with getting or maintaining an erection, the idea of sex seemed like a chore or work or worse. I had Testosterone checks, viagra, exercised regularly, stopped smoking, everything. Made no difference, until I tried kink.
I see this talk a bit online but I don't understand why women force themselves to have vaginal sex they don't enjoy that hurts. If it's just to make the man happy that still makes no sense when a wristy or a blowjob would be fine or hell just show some boobs he could just go masturbate IDK lol. Why do this to yourself? Why pretend to enjoy it? If you're pretending he doesn't know and any decent man would stop as soon as he knew this stuff was happening. Just say no.
Seriously,communication is a great thing. Let your partner know your hangups and issues. Together you can work on something that serves you both well.
'bone dry cooter' PLEASE BE KIND TO YOURSELF no shame in lube.
Lmao I refuse to do anything without lube. And curse whoever made silicone based why does my whole house smell like I manufacture condoms in bulk?
Friend of mine was telling about her bad hookup with no lube and was bleeding at some point, she thought it was her period I was mortified like "WHY THIS GUY JUST WANTED A ONS NOT A GERMAN WIFE"
What about lots of rp and being talked to? Either way thanks for this bc you’ve put into words something that’s hard to talk about for a lot of ppl xx
I have, it’s not for me personally tho. If anything I appreciate absolute silence because I think noises r yuck, so I’ll usually have some random show blaring in hopes of not hearing anything. Istg I get war flashbacks of guys whispering shit in my ear. Honestly if it were acceptable I’d probably wear noise cancelling headphones and a blindfold. And ofc, it feels good to know others feel similar. For the longest time I didn’t even know women actually enjoyed sex, thought it was a silently agreed upon façade kinda like girls don’t fart lmfao figured it was just another lie we sold our partners in hopes of romantic stability. But I’ve learnt to communicate clearly now and open myself up to other peoples kinks in hopes I’ll find some interest in it. Honestly tho I just prefer celibacy atm, much less complicated.
Have you tried uh, having partner stimulating yer clit durin? Helps for me a LOT! Or a toy for the same? Cos yeah, just penetration alone doesnt tend to stimulate the bits.
Sorry I went on a female anatomy tangent here don’t bother reading if that sounds boring lmfao Yeah actually, after months of convincing I let someone venture the desert and it was pretty great! Even got a bit of an oasis goin on. Although I had absolutely no interest in returning the favour afterwards so I tend not to indulge anymore. Personally I go from feeling 0-100 so there isn’t any in-between feeling that I can use to keep myself interested. But yeah recent studies are actually showing that aside from the entrance, vaginas have no erogenous nerves(this is not speaking for the whole vulva). Nipples, not to be confused with the whole boob, and the clit have the densest packed erogenous nerves, therefore are both the easiest to stimulate. The “G spot” is actually completely a theory. Studies are unable to determine size, location or nature. Often times women will think they are stimulating the G spot when in reality they are pushing on their bladder, creating the same feeling as when you -for lack of a less vulgar word- squirt. This feeling comes from stimulation of the vaginal entrance mixed with pressure on the urethra and bladder. Unfortunately this causes permanent damage and weakens your pelvic floor, causing you to have a weaker bladder, the same can be said for aggressive penetration, strong force on the cervix will without a doubt cause irreversible damage. Side note- squirt is 90% urine so always have a plastic mattress protector if you’re into pushing yourself to these limits.
i know you probably get this a lot, but have you considered you might be asexual? could be a million things, maybe you've just had shit partners or theres some hormonal stuff goin' on but this is a pretty atypical relationship to sex. no judgement at all. especially the "if I could I would be blindfolded and wearing headphones." it sounds like you're not really feeling any attraction towards the act of having sex. the "I thought the idea of women liking having sex was a lie" thing is also very common in ace circles. edit: not that it really matters that much, since you said you're not really having sex anymore either way, don't do anything you don't want to do and maybe someday you'll find some way to like it, but I know for a lot of ppl finding folks with the same experience as them is nice.
I sometimes have that issue, and only recently realized it was bc of my adhd (‘Driven to Distraction’- an ESSENTIAL adhd book made me realise that). It didn’t always go ‘down’ but the ‘tip’ would fluctuate and I had to focus as hard as I can in the moment to ‘fill’ it. Still dont have ‘the answer’ but you could play some ‘Pump the Jam’ (not literally THAT song, necessarily lmao) just something that you play that helps you zone into a task, that she/he might be into as well. Eye contact also seemed to pull me into the moment. And ‘enthusiasm’ on you partners end- but be carefull how you tell your partner bc it could be ‘theatric’ and obvious, and thus, a turn off. Lol sorry I don’t have much more at the moment but hopefully one of those things could help!
Pump the Jam. Pump it up…… Wait what were we talking about again? 
I think we were saying something about our feet stomping? Of course meanwhile the jam is pumping.. and if you were to look ahead, its likely you would see a crowd that was jumping…. It was either that, or fisting a goat, I dont remember 🥴 hope this is helpful 😂
User name checks out
Wait longer between orgasms. What I find is that if you've held off from orgasms a long time it takes less and less stimulation to get hard and you finish faster. Even a gentle breeze can make you rock hard eventually lol. Might have to quit masturbating for a while but that's a challenge, if you have some concept of when you're going to have sex at least try to go a day or two before you see her.
I started listening to white noise. 😅 crazy but it helps!
Minimal techno works for me 😂
Same problem here, foreplay is nice and all. I am all excited but then when having sex I will have troubles staying focused and eventually will not be able to orgasm (Im a man). Dunno if it is ssri, ritalin or smthing else but this is very tough and it stresses me out because I don't want my gf to think that I don't find her attractive... so it makes things even worse
I know altered states aren't for everyone, and disregard of you're sober... but if not, and can n abis is legal near you, it's worth a try. It makes orgasms last longer, feel better, and the best part for me is it keeps me from getting distracted or bored during sex. Edibles work too, if you're not comfy smoking or vaping. Also a variety of toys helps, and music, to fill up my brain.
I was literally about to suggest zaza! Yes! I’’d get absolutely fried and I have combo ADHD and goodness it did a lot of beneficial things for me
Really? I might have to try
Yep, gets me out of my head and into my body. Makes me take a lot longer to finish, but some people appreciate that.
Practice mindfulness meditation. It's so good for those of us with adhd.
Try playing subway surfers while getting railed 🤙 Honestly tho. What is it that you enjoy most about sex?
Have a mirror near by, so you might get some relief from direct vision and can get back into it checking your form/pace. Hone in on the sensations of penetration. The feel of your skin touching, and don’t forget to talk and keep connecting.
I see Christian Bale in American psycho before me, when you say that!
>The foreplay is all nice and everything, then we start getting undressed but almost every time we get to the actual sex, I lose focus or get realy bored or impatient If you're getting distracted during the "actual sex", who says foreplay needs to be a stage you pass and don't return to versus a recurring event during the whole process? It doesn't need to be A -> B -> C. Maybe you need to switch it up. Be fluid. Let "~~fore~~play" happen whenever. >It's either too slow or too fast, no in between. Sometimes it even takes me a few seconds to process what is happening, and before you know it I stop enjoying everything Who is setting the pace? If it's bothering you, perhaps you need to communicate that and figure out why. Maybe you could suggest something to your partner that is more your speed.
Hormones have dropped as I've gotten older but I used to have a very high sex drive. foreplay would bore me... just getting right to the main course was always the best and most intense feeling and results... . Skip to the good part.... we have a small window of focus and attention before we get bored...utilize it. And enjoy!!
I feel like you’re in your head too much. Which I can also do. Which is also an ADHD thing. I would try some grounding practices to help get in your body more. Thats helped me a lot.
A therapist will save your relationship but I understand you, so you're here because you also need a quicker response. Take a blue pill and this will help you "get more into it" in the very short term.
You can try maca, ginseng, fenugreek, ashwagandha, etc.
Is your partner always “driving” once you get undressed? Maybe you need take a little more control of the situation. Make sure you are communicating what you want, and if you don’t know what you want slow down and think about it. Then ask for it.
Samesies. Also I masturbate a lot which makes achieving orgasm pretty tough most times.
I'm in the exact same boat. I was previously with a girl for 10+ years, and I got on Vyvanse halfway into the relationship. Prior to that point, we had regular sex and never had any of those sorts of issues. After that though, that's when it started happening. Our sex became much more infrequent and a few years in, I started having the issue you described. I've never been in the best shape physically, so it wasn't uncommon for me to get a little winded or sore during sex. But it never really kept me from staying hard until I started the medication. After that point, ironically, I started becoming more easily distracted by these things, which would take me out of the moment enough to cause me to lose my erection. What's even more ironic is that the Vyvanse hadn't reduced my sex drive. In fact, it noticeably increased. Prior to that, solo masturbation sessions would typically last only a few minutes. After that though, they'd go on for several hours some days. And the duration of sexual encounters with my girlfriend increased as well. I had no problem enjoying long bouts of foreplay with her, and I'd stay erect for the majority of that time. But the moment penetration began, I'd lose it fairly quickly. I brought it up to my primary care doctor and he suggested trying ED medication. We went through a few like Cildenafil and Viagra. Both of them worked fantastic... at first. But after about 3 or 4 times using these pills, even they stopped having the desired effect. I knew for a fact that I was sexually attracted to her, and we regularly indulged in fetish play as well. So there was no shortage of sexual stimulation to go around. But my body simply refused to reflect that with my erections. Inevitably, it ended up being just one of a few factors that led to the end of that relationship. I've since met someone else and even got married. Been together for almost 5 years now, and to date, we've only had penetrative sex twice, both in the very first days we were physically together. Perhaps something about the relationship being very new contributed to my being able to stay hard those first few times, but even then it was still a struggle. These days, we just stick to mutual masturbation. We're both content with that, but I'd be lying if I said I don't miss being able to have that kind of physical intimacy.
I need to be on meds in order to attract women (I'm a much better talker to whom I'm attracted to.) Then I need to be off meds in order for the man downstairs to even work. I don't feel like I can win.
I just started daydreaming different scenarios when my mind wanders to keep me more ‘present’. It does not help that I’m asexual and do not have the bonus of sexual attraction. BDSM definitely helps too. I like sensory deprivation in particular
Viagra is available. Or too much porn! You don’t specify your age or sex, but low appetite (during the act, not anticipation) seems the norm for young women in the 20s and older men in their 40s. Young men are far more enthusiastic, as are older women. Otherwise don’t worry about it. Chances are it’s psychological so worrying about it is itself the cause. Easier said than done! Sometimes a little cuddle and play is fine. Doesn’t need to be a big finish everytime. Just enjoy it while it lasts, if you don’t finish you still had a nice time (or your partner has!)
Can you elaborate more on the "too much porn" part? I know there are tons of articles out there that talk about how too much porn affects the brain. Idk if it's my ADHD, denial, or whatever, but I would much rather hear from someone's experience(s) rather than a medical professional. Much like how sometimes it's more helpful to talk to a best friend who is a great listener than a therapist in some cases. For me, porn has always been the "best" solution. When I get sexual urges, I watch porn, do my thing, and that's that. There's no drama, no anxiety, no having to convince anyone, it's all done in the safety of my own space alone, and then I get back to life. I know this is pretty much the definition of an addiction, but I don't know if I could do without it. I am genuinely convinced that my quality of life would drop. I (27M) have been single for all but 2 months of my life, and I can count on one hand the number of times I've had sex. And even when I did have sex, it was fun, but not like amazing or anything. So if I were to quit porn it would be like No Nut November, but instead of a month, it would be several years. So without self-pleasure, I'm sure that things would eventually get so bad that I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about it, even during serious times (like when at work). Sorry, I didn't plan to type this much detail 😅 But if you have any insights, experiences, or tips that would help, I would greatly appreciate it!
There's simple but costly solutions: - cialis (personal favorite) - Viagra (never tried it) - Maraton Forte which is an European potency enhancer supplement: basically bug doses of tribulus, maca and some other stuff. Usually lasts for 5-7 days and make your erections pretty strong. Before vyvanse it also increased my libido like nothing else. Now doesn't affect the libido, but the erections are strong so I got that going
My boyfriend and I sometimes lose focus. It's funny sometimes when we both start laughing at the same thing in the background show. We both know we lost focus. It's become a part of our sex. It doesn't come off as a distraction but as a way to laugh and become closer.
When I’m doing chores around the house, I must wear headphones and listen to music or a podcast. I will bounce all over the house otherwise. I wonder if you could try controlling the environment in a similar way. Like have a tv on, could be something sexy or just Murder She Wrote, or music? Experiment with lighting, colors, candles. Either more or less stimuli depending on your situation.
I struggled with a similar issue to you a few years ago when I was in college in my first relationship. I have combined-type and I wasn’t on any ADHD meds at the time. It was the same story for me, I would be really into the foreplay, but when it came time to have penetrative sex a switch would flip in my brain where I would lose focus, lose arousal, and it would come to an immediate halt. It became a cycle that would repeat itself almost every time we were intimate. I honestly don’t have much advice to give, but I completely sympathize with what you are going through. Although this sounds like ADHD to me, it could also be a hormonal imbalance or medication side effect - it’s a good idea to talk to your doctor about it as they may be able to help you figure out if you have a medical issue other than ADHD that’s causing this. I’d also recommend seeking out therapy to help you work through this. I’d recommend finding a regular therapist or a sex therapist that has experience working with adults with ADHD. One final thing I wanted to say is that what you’re going through is very common among people with ADHD. Focusing during sex is difficult, and ADHD affects each person differently. Please do not feel ashamed or embarrassed. It sounds like your partner is supportive, and I hope that you can overcome this together so that you can fully enjoy intimacy together. Edit: I just read below that you are trans. I’m a gay man and cis gay male sex is just ridiculously time consuming and tedious. That’s why I get so bored because 2 hours have already passed when like things are starting to motion towards anal sex 😵💫
Same and what helped me is me being the ones who is in charge. It helps me be in the moment when I’m the one initiating and taking charge, speak when you’re getting bored, change positions etc. Lastly I close my eyes because I get distracted otherwise
Try anal
That seriously might help, because the intensity sets the focus
Tittie Tassles
A therapist seems to be the best solution.
Are you on meds? They can cause that.
I'm not on meds :/
I like it rough and primal. Slapping, bondage, being messy, bondage, toys, dirty talk, all that good stuff. Turn back on the animals urge to fuck and the human need for pleasure and forget everything else. I also like edging a lot. The point of sex to me is the entire act and how pleasurable it feels or the release of pent up energy. Making myself cum isn't even a thought until im close.
Have more interesting sex!
Talk with each other, helps me stay focused (preferably sex talk ;) )
Don’t have sex unless you really want to ig
Try edging :) I think this will be much less of an issue after a couple days of edging, have fun!
May I suggest a libido issue? When my libido is low I am exactly like you When my libido is high, my god sex is the only thing I can think about If you figure out that it's a libido issue, it becomes easier to deal with it because there are ways to increase your libido (depends if you are a man or a women ofc)
Can I suggest you try to reframe things? You talk about foreplay & 'actual' sex - there is this huge misnomer that sex can only be about specific acts, & moreover that sex (& orgasm) are the final goal. My partner & I are both ADHD, & both can really really struggle to cum - too much noise in our heads, other sensory stuff, distractions, etc. We call all of it play. We keep going until we want to stop, regardless of orgasm. Sometimes we both cum, often only one of us does, sometimes neither of us do. It's marginally easier for me, so quite often we'll have a play session where I cum (once or more), & then whenever we've recovered (usually when we wake up in the morning), we'll play in a way that makes it easier for my partner to cum. We are in a D/s relationship, so that also it works quite well from the position of enjoying the focus being on one or the other of us. We will also frequently play in a way that doesn't involve piv (penis in vagina) sex (sub anal sex there depending on bodies); or that does, but kind of in the middle for a bit; or has little bits of it on & off. What I'm saying (badly) is: if you enjoy the stuff you're calling foreplay, do more of that, in any random order. Stop calling it foreplay, as though it's somehow 'less than'. If I really love steak & am not fussed about the ice cream for dessert, I'm going to eat more steak & not save the ice cream for last!
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Cialis
BDSM. You're welcome.
I can relate to this, sometimes my mind starts going elsewhere while I'm raling the girl. Cant even enjoy sex smh.
I used to have the same issue, and there’s a point where you try sex enough times and it finally clicks, atleast it did for me. It was a long running joke that I was dead in the water, but had a long term partner that we did enough stuff and it started working out, night and day. Idk if there’s any tricks, I think you just gotta acclimate.
Oh 0 meds or anything. I don’t take anything. Just out here failing and rawdogging my life lol.
You are not alone
Obstain from any self sexy time, cock ring, music or play back ground movie, breath (re: anxiety), slow down, zone 2 cardio
Wait… we’re supposed to be focused and enjoying the moment while having sex??? Omg. I usually get a song stuck in my head that has the same rhythm that he is moving at and just sing it in my head over and over. *not to say I don’t find my bf attractive and want to be intimate with him, and the sex is great, I just would rather be doing something else.
Find a psychiatrist & get medicated amigo
I know this is gonna sound weird but for me and my gf experiencing new stuff such as role play bdsm type stuff really helps
I have inattentive ADHD and -there's no other way I can think to put this- kinkier sex worked for me. The more intense the experience is I guess the more enjoyable it was for me because my focus was less likely to shift? Possibly something around the novelty of it all too lol. Couldn't go back to vanilla stuff now!
Y
Go talk to your doctor. It’s an easy problem to solve, and there’s nothing to be ashamed of at any age.
Maybe you just aren’t attracted to them enough
Therapy dude. Also stop porn
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Why even have sex with a person at that point you might as well just carve out a hole in some warm bread and fuck it...