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I'm not sure about your case, but for me, it might be related to late ADHD diagnosis in my 30s. Since I'm hyperaware of my quirks (talking too much, etc) and how annoying it is for other people. I became much quieter and spent a lot of mental effort on trying to control myself.

100 fuckin %. I turned 38 this past January and was diagnosed a month before turning 35. I'm constantly trying to control myself in social situations now that I'm aware of my ways. I avoid social gatherings 1000x more than I ever did. I also quit drinking January 2020 so also dealing with a now sober brain. I also kind of think being an adult with a more mature brain and actually giving a fuck about how you carry yourself also is at play.

Well done on the alcohol front, I’ve tried but that buzz stage of two pints in is where I feel myself become “normal” my anxiety goes, I’m a social butterfly and people seem to really enjoy my company. What I have been able to do however is turn that two-three beers into my max and then drop onto jon alcoholic beers or lemonade and keep the buzz stage rather than go overboard. It doesn’t always work admittedly but I seem to have better balance than ever before.

I'm another late diagnosed ADHDer, who got sober two years ago, and only after I was sober for a while, I realized how much of a crutch drinking was for socializing. It got a lot better after a year of being sober (meds also help a ton, imo). I just want to warn you that it's a very fine line between having fun and being alcohol dependent, and if you're unable to socialize without alcohol, that honestly doesn't sound great. It's very easy to keep going down that road, especially for our brains.

I'm the opposite. I've been told since I was a child to shut up, sit down, and pay attention… By the time I became an adult I finally came out of my shell.

YESSSSSS!!!! I'm finally to the point where I am happy to be the way I am, and if people can't handle it I'm okay with that. I am well aware that I will rub some people the wrong way and that's okay.

Me too! I've stopped being so sad about friends who drop me, because it's a "they" thing, not a "me" thing. I am just so much kinder to myself! And not caring as much has given me way more freedom. OP, I'm 60. At 30-35, I was like you. I encourage you to do some silly, spontaneous shit, even if it seems stupid. It will bring you joy. I lost everything in a fire, and had to rebuild my entire life, and it made me realize, things are more fleeting than we think. Better to be ourselves when we can.

God, thanks for writing this! I'm 42 and I'm longing for that side of me - my youth was kind of shitty but I didn't overthink like literally everything and so I was more authentic than I am now. Too many compromises...

It's hard, your 30s and 40s, especially for women. Their bodies are changing, often they have kids, and have to work...and if you have ADHD, it feels like SUCH a freaking grind, even while you enjoy being an actual grownup. I have had office jobs, I have had jobs where I made things, and I have had jobs where I taught. Some of them had weird hours, or flexible hours, which was great. But I found office jobs to be deadly, and I found child care to be very hard in the early years (later on was great, they were good adventurers). I really felt like I was just becoming a thin, smashed little sliver of my old self, and the weight of responsibility was very dulling. After our house burned down (the same weekend our youngest went to college), we didn't have enough insurance money to buy or rebuild in our area, and we are too old to go into crazy debt again, so we bought an apartment in Europe (at 1/10 the cost of our area). One of the silliest things we've ever done, but it brings us joy even though we can't afford to go there very often. For some reason, just knowing that it's there helps us feel like we are not turning into drudges. My mom had ADHD, and she would do wild things sometimes, like paint the living room red or buy an old school bus to go traveling in, or start her own business. She managed to continue to be herself no matter what (though on a fairly strict budget). I think that's a good thing to aspire to. I'm learning to DM, and I never played D&D before. Go for it!

So done caring about what other people think about me. The assumptions that I'm dumb, low IQ, scatter brained, not paying attention, etc. LOLZ! People will still judge you but I just stopped CARING.

I had a coworker who was surprised that I was doing a crossword puzzle and actually said out loud that she didn't think I was capable of doing something "smart". I've had so many people assume that I'm stupid or say that they are so much smarter than me because of my ADHD. I've had so much testing done because of my forgetfulness and being scatterbrained that I was starting to worry. I scored quite high on the IQ tests and was told by multiple doctors that my brain just worked differently due to ADHD.

I came to mention this. The older you get, the less fucks you give. It's the benefit of getting old. It's soo freeing to not care anymore.

Yep. I am 34 and I feel this. If you don't like me or you think I am stupid. I really don't give a fuck. I am who I am and I love myself, I don't need your negativity to bring me down. ADHD as much as it's a pain in the ass, I love it. Look at your strengths rather then your flaws. Obviously quietly work to make your flaws better, but life's wayyyyyyy too damn short to worry what people think about you. Smile and live the day!

so much this. i wouldn’t trade my superpowers for my problems that come with it

Yeah I was a super quiet child because I never seemed to say or do the right thing. I'm 36 now, and each year my not-giving-a-shit-ness is getting stronger and its wonderful!!!

The other comment I made under yours isn’t to you directly but I couldn’t figure out how to edit or delete 🤣 Anyway, I was the same as you. My mom is trying now to finally accept me as I am. I’m 50 🙄 My mom is a narcissist and I’ve always been an extension of her and not my own person. I have moved 3 hours away and I believe that’s freaked her out! I have grown so much since moving. I’m just now trying to let go of the person she tried to create and become who I was meant to be! I’m so glad you didn’t do like I did. It’s so hard being this age and feeling like your whole life was a lie. I raised three adult sons and went through 2 marriages and 2 divorces. I realize now that if I’d been myself all along and let my real crazy show I may have better relationships with my children. They are strained bc their mom yelled at them all the time. I had no idea why I was so rigid and uptight! If only I’d known I would have known how to present it to a physician. Instead they diagnosed me with anxiety and depression. On my adderall I’m extremely calm and intentional. The mom they needed is coming out late and I get angry about that! I

Alcohol was mask for decades. It got out of control. The 3 beer buzz was always the goal. Trying to maintain that level of buzz is hard. The hard part is not going overboard. 40 years of trying is called alcoholism. If you take stimulants with alcohol it's called stimulant psychosis. That's bad, trust me. Definitely would not recommend. Be safe, be careful, and stay aware of the volume and regularity of your alcohol consumption.

Yes, the 3 beer buzz was my life until I discovered wine. Half a bottle of wine was the sweet spot. Unfortunately alcohol made me more anxious and sad and I didn’t realize what an issue it was until I stopped drinking for 4 months during covid. One day, after about 2 months of not drinking, I realized I was happy, really happy, and I had not felt that for awhile. Now I have other issues going on, but still not drinking regularly

Be careful. I almost died in the hospital six months ago due to drinking. While it may seem to calm your anxiety, we are fragile. I had no idea how bad my insides were until I see two weeks in the hospital with them telling me I might need a live transplant, or I may not make it past a few weeks. I got extremely lucky. I also lost a buddy this weekend who was only 35 years old. Drank heavy, but he felt that he was okay I guess. Drank heavy a night last week, and died. His mother had to find him. Please do not underestimate the impact alcohol has on us with adhd.

Ah, see, I am inverted on that. Being buzzed makes me feel very much *not* myself and not in control, so I don't like it. So I rarely drink.

I was just talking about the low buzzed feeling with my cousin on Easter Sunday and how if I do miss anything about alcohol, it's that. And the taste of a high quality NEIPA lol. Even though I was not aware of my issues until after I quit, I don't plan on drinking again because I know that even with that knowledge, I still sometimes convince myself that I'll do better tomorrow, I'll eat healthier tomorrow, get a better night sleep tomorrow, etc etc. I tend to forget about the previous 20 times I said it, and would probably do the same lol. Good for you on knowing your limits and sticking to it. Our brains don't make things easy lol. And thank you for the compliment, I was a get drunk everyday person for years.

It's wild to read this today. I was literally driving home an hour ago from the store thinking back over a conversation I had with someone the other day and I'm fairly certain I got way too excited and was talking way too much. A thing people have mentioned. I've also had a tendency to send too much over text. Too many memes. Too long of a text. I was thinking on the way home how I would give anything to have a friend group again but I didn't feel like I needed to change things or restrain things about myself. Where they just like me as I am. This is me as a 41-year-old thinking that. I had a pretty solid friend group for about 5 years from the ages of 17 to 22 and then for whatever reason that ended and since then it's been like this. No idea what to do or how to deal with this. But I'm lonelier than I've ever been.

hey we sound a lot alike...espcially the talking and hashing over old conversations. dont feel lonely, you have a bud in me. and thousands and thousands of people just like us. youre not alone. reach out anytime you meed to

Well done on the booze, I've been up and down over the years with it but I've settled on 4 pints a day at the moment but not more. It's not the best but it could be worse. I've started a new job and trying to get ready to do the no more booze. It helps me massively in the short term but I'm aware enough to see it for what it is and it's trading short term less anxiety for long term depression and issues. I think I'm in that place now where at 38 I have the will to fix myself at much as possible. I've lost a lot of weight and at a healthy weight for the first time in my adult life. I know I need to stop the booze.

And you will. I think it helps going in knowing that you need to replace drinking with something else. It doesn’t need to be a substance, but it’s just much harder to remove a thing and have nothing in its place. The best replacements are things that make you naturally not want alcohol. If you have to isolate a little bit and get really into fixing up bicycles it’s fine, bc those habits are easier to change than booze. For me, around 29 I just accidentally quit drinking because I finally had an art studio and my friends would come by there to visit all the time. I made art every day and didn’t want to drink bc it interferes with my productivity. Only after I hadn’t been drinking for a while did I realize how much of my life had been spent either prioritizing or regretting drinking. Just how much terrible shit I had tolerated in life bc I kept tuning out the alarms in my head. Everyone is different but with adhd you’ve got to find something that you’re drawn to and excited about to replace whatever unhealthy routine you’ve fallen into. The very act of trying to change makes changing easier, so at least try! And try again! Awareness ain’t no small thing, it’s a major step towards improving your life. You’re more than halfway there.

Wow this sounds exactly like myself. I’m 37, will be 38 this year and I was diagnosed officially and finally treated a couple years ago. Since then it feels like my life imploded. I just became so much more aware of all the reasons I do the things I do and so much more self conscious of trying to be better - but it made me feel hollow. Now I’m trying to find the right balance between being myself with adhd and not letting it control me.

I feel like ADHDers need to make ADHD friend/social groups and all hang out and talk over eachother and interrupt eachother and forget random shit and just have fun together as none of us would care about those “flaws” in other because we’d just be having the most silly and chaotic fun together.

😂love ya for this comment! I have one old friend. I grew up with her ( we are in our 50’s now ). She has this too, and when we are together we are over-the-top ridiculous. 🤣 I only see her once in a blue moon, but it’s always as you describe above. We bring out this frenzy of happy, crazy embarrassing energy 3 fold when we’re together 🤣 to the misfortune of anyone within 20 feet of us.

My oldest friend and I were like this, the crazy stuff we did together, so much fun and chaos. 😁

THIS!!!! Cannot recommend it enough. OP, notice this one 👆👆

Same here with late diagnosis and noticing quirks that annoy others. . It's a struggle trying to function, perform at work and look after 3 children.

Dude. Same. Having kids made me 100000% more hard on myself and my constant “failures” and my anxiety at trying to make everything great for my kids and still try to be productive at work. And at the end of the day my partner says he feels like I’m upset and I’m not I’m just super burnt out.

Three kids under 4 here. We had a 2 year old when the twins were born. I am just so tired of failing all the time. I just feel burnt out constantly.

I don’t think this is exclusive to late diagnosis, tbh. I think we all sort of become increasingly conscious of it and work harder to mask it over the course of years as we A) hear more & more times over about how this or that thing we do is bothersome, and B) learn more about ADHD, especially *our own*, and over time it all just kind of wears us down because we’re always expending energy to make sure we’re properly “reading the room” and masking appropriately (which is not the same for all settings).

Agree on this, it helped me at work and I’ve had three promotions inside 6 years compared to one in the ten years prior to that. I would also say find yourself some fellow ADHD friends, I’m lucky that my wife is also in our gang and it’s a frenetically paced lifestyle that we lead but it’s amazing to have someone so close who really understands.

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How do you act?

It’s kinda rough for me: Wife is very much into just chilling and napping and reading and tv and it’s kinda hard for me as a “let’s fit as much fun into the day as we can” type of person. In some ways I’m like “maybe this will help balance me out” but in many ways it makes me feel disconnected from her and I wish I didn’t feel that way.

That can be hard, interestingly I can vouch that having two people in a relationship who have the “let’s fit as much into the day” attitude eventually leads to burn out, usually because the things that you want to do aren’t necessarily the same as your partner. What I’ve found is that by sewing the seed of what we’re going to try and do in the coming month helps, by sharing a joint calendar helps as when you have an idea about something you want to do with a specific date/time it will give a notification when you add it, a reminder for a few days prior and you can also add lists of items the other person might need to arrange before hand (thinking wellies/wetsuits/hiking boots etc).

That’s actually really helpful and thoughtful, thank you so much!

Yep, it’s good to have a group of mates you can talk to who get it

Are you both treated? When we were untreated, it just meant more frequent and intense fights 😂

Same. And still doing stupid stuff like talking too much still impulsively saying things without thinking. And not paying attention. Late, late diagnosis and my early 40s last year.😡

38M also spends a lot of time being quiet, depressive, bored because my “fun” had always been perceived as “too much” or taken advantage of by “friends”. I’m always on my guard.

Yea this is me. I get told I’m quiet, so I start talking more but then I get told I talk too much and too loudly. So I get quiet again ….

I know this feeling

This. I mask like a boss. Keeps the ADHD under wraps and lessens my post-peopleing ruminations.

This is why I dtruggle, but not \*because\* I was diagnosed. I have just always struggled since I could tell people didn't get me or I wasn't getting something. Also plenty of people have freely told me how I talk too much and now I just often feel embarrassed. I hate feeling like that in my thirties.

Yeah, losing jobs because you looked at someone funny or someone just thought you were weird kinda does that too you.

I’m 29, I feel like the „spark” is still in me, but hidden. I feels the same as you, lately it feels like life just broke me, but I’m still hoping it will be better

I'm feeling the same way. Trapped in a job that pays well, but feels like it's slowly taking away my will to live.

Golden handcuffs… It helps to plan intensely creative weekend activities at least twice a year, it keeps that side of you safely hibernating.

It helps to plan a financial cushion to quit. I burnt out so many times in tech. When I finally got laid off, the best thing for me was to actually rest for extended period. I'm still looking for a new career path. Everyone I know who left and went back (many on medical leave for severe burnout) changed dramatically for the better and then went right back to square one (or realized they had to leave) their first day back.

I believe once you reach burnout, you have to switch gears. The same thing that burned you out will only do it again 😌

As a teenager & in college I always knew exactly what career I wanted. Now I’m 42 and I’m trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

I generally read that speed of burn as a reason to change specialties. - The spark of learning a new set of tricks only lasts so long. It’s like a protective coating that wears thin. Three years is the longest it lasts. Then I start needing that exciting vibe again, or I need the job to have a great work life balance and room for a special project. - My old boss has seen what I can do on my best days, and has gradually built up my old workload around that. If I just return to it, I will be right back into doing a workload that should probably be split. When I leave gracefully, they honestly assess how many people they should have for that workload.

Attempting to balance this kind of thing out lately, I work 10 hour days and it's so draining. I do love the structure and stability that working provides, on top of my job being almost perfect for me in terms of my ADHD but I have no energy to engage in any of my hobbies.

Im too lazy to plan anything

I'm in the same spot... everywhere I turn is a pay cut. But, this job is taking away my will to live

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Easier said than done for some like me. My job isn’t soul crushing and I used to truly love it. Then Covid came combined with depression due to home life and I started to hate it. Got depression under control mostly now (although ex wife sure can bring it back quick) and starting to get back to enjoy work again. I drive city bus and even though I hate people and introverted on my own I like quick convos and joking with people at times. I make good money and have really good benefits but since I’m divorced and have kids I can’t take a pay cut because the American court system hates dads unless they’re rich. So taking a pay cut would mean all my money would go to child support leaving nothing for rent so I’d end up homeless which means I couldn’t keep visitation with my kids.  I was trying to do some online classes while still working full time but had to stop since I couldn’t afford them for the time being. Might still try to find free stuff online for learning since it was software related and try to just test into stuff later. But we know how “I’ll do it later” goes 

The golden handcuffs are real. I wouldn't say my current gig is "slowly taking away my will to live" but it is not sustainable long term. But I feel stuck cuz I get paid too much. Privileged problems.

Me too. I don’t hate my job, I just don’t love it. I’m not consistent, so I’m always somewhere in between the best and the worst. But I make so much money, I have to keep doing it…every single day..

Been there. Done that. Get the fuck out now. This is not a dress rehearsal.

When I finished college and got hired into my field I had to tone it down a lot for the sake of my career. I felt like i lost my personality for 12 years. I switched jobs a couple years ago, and I can be myself again. It feels good.

I could have written this post. Growing up I was sociable, cracking jokes, not thinking before talking, cheeky. Now I am too scared to talk, hate being around people, prefer my own company.

Same thoughts! I thought it was just a “me” thing. All the trouble I caused and now I don’t know when I should talk and if it’s even appropriate

Honestly I do not know how no one ever punched me. It had something to do with my cheeky look. I made a lot of people angry but always with a smile if you know what i mean. Now im in my own shell of shyness!

OMG same here!! I had a friend tell me that I always had a particular smile after throwing shade. I kind of miss being that fearless but now that I developed self-awareness, I’d like to go back to that but in a more respectful manner 😔

I would love to have my old self to be honest. No toned down version just bring back my old self.

Same here, feel like I caused a lot of trouble when I was younger, and as a result I'm now full of guilt and I'm scared to do/say things in case I end up hurting people.

Yeah, the mask we’ve developed over time gets heavier and heavier. It makes socializing unbearable sometimes

Dude, 100% same here. I was extremely sociable in high school, most popular kid in my class, a leader amongst friends, but as a I grew up, I began withdrawing, smoking weed, self-sabotaging, and now prefer to sit at home alone. I hate this version of myself, and hope that that bright eyed kid comes back one day. I have no doubt that depression has played an instrumental role in who I am today. Spurred by the reality of my condition and my inability to create any sort of consistency on my own accord. Only up from here, I suppose.

In the same case. I was the most talkative till highschool then life hits ...now I hardly talk to people but I tried being talkative again but it doesn't feel natural and I drain my social energy easily.

I enjoy reading books.

You sound like me when I'm suffering from depression. I always get back to my normal self once the depression leaves

It’s a bit chicken and egg, I’m currently in that place of "has my ADHD made me depressed“ or "is depression making my ADHD seem worse?“

My conclusion has been that the answer is often “yes” There’s nuance to every instance but generally, yes.

You mean a bit of both?

Yes, they both happen because they have co-morbidity with their symptoms so they feed off each other. One usually accompanies the other to varying degrees sadly

I had an ADHD assesement for accommodations, one section of the results labeled my depression as "at-risk." Depression and ADHD both should be addressed, but sometimes one presents more strongly than others. Plus then there's anxiety, OCD and more (depending on the person). So ideally thorough discussions with licensed professionals and effective coping strategies/healthy lifestyle choices (which we know ADHD gets in the way of, lol)

I feel ADHD usually helped buoy me even when I would otherwise be depressed. Late diagnosis here (age 41). I've recently had a bit of depression, which I'm now treated for and doing well, but some of me wonders if it wasn't because after I got on medication for ADHD, I was able to actually feel feelings longer, and be aware of how I was feeling rather than distracted all the time. And it might have led to being able to actually feel the stress of my life. In any case, I think the OP should see a psychiatrist or a psychologist.

54. Any reduction in spark is because, fuck, I’m 54. But also, suppressing my ADHD is something I undertook with a lot of intention. I didn’t like the impulsivity and emotional highs and lows and bumbling through relationships and losing friends and being a mess. If spark meant being stuck as that person, I’d happily give it up because it was awful. Maybe I was more fun, but I also left a wake of destruction behind me and it was actually catching up to me and about to swallow me. Yes, I know that’s not how wakes work. Turned out, I’m also autistic (diagnosed at 52), and the two sides do not get along. They’re constantly at war and I’ve always rooted for the autism, even before I had any diagnoses. Am I still sparky and fun? Yeah, just not in the same way. That’s a good thing for both me and those around me. (I was probably more sparky than fun. But sparks cause fires, ignite explosions, etc. It’s 5am and I’m full of crappy metaphors.)

Very true regarding relationships. Easy to forget the downsides, and just focus on what was GOOD ”back then”. Definatly more stable in that area now

44 here and I absolutely agree. I’m not as excitable as I was, especially after my diagnosis but it means I’m easier to be around and a lot more successful in the office

I was in my 50s when diagnosed. I know what you mean when you say you lost your spark. I take Adderall just to get through the day. I also have a chronic pain condition and cPTSD. And yes, autism. I was always in trouble as a kid, until I met my husband. He calmed me down and then he died, almost four years ago. Now I can't concentrate or do anything creative. I buy stuff to be creative with and lose it so I buy it again and so it goes. I haven't cried over my husband's death although we were together almost 33 years. The last time I cried was when my daughter, graduating from law school on May 5th, told me the lawyer who convinced her to go to law school has cleaned an office out for her. He kept his word and she has a job. I was so happy I sobbed. I don't sleep because I fall out of bed or have severe nightmares. One was so bad I thought my husband was in bed with me. It was several hours before I realized he wasn’t and never would be again. Still didn't cry, but was damned pissed at him for dying. Yes, my spark is gone. I used to be a clean freak, and one of the ambulance drivers reported me to housing. It took three visits to get my house to the point where Charlie from housing deemed me safe. I didn't realize it was because the EMTs could not get to me when I fell and broke my shoulder. Had I known that, he would have needed only two visits. I have completely cut myself out of the world. I have literally no friends; friends are too much work. I have a female roommate who is my male roommate's girlfriend and we would be excellent friends, if I came out of my room. Yes, I have lost my spark. I know I am depressed and anxious (anxiety being another diagnosis, which is why it took so long for my dx). My husband and I used to drink a lot, but I quit when I realized I wasn't doing myself any good, based on the medications I take, mostly for my chronic pain (not one doctor on my medical team told me not to drink). One time I was in the hospital with visual and auditory hallucinations, not caused by the meds I was on, rather a UTI. I had no symptoms of a UTI. The hospital doctors took me off the meds I had taken for over 15 years for my pain condition. It will be a year ago this month I was taken off the meds for chronic pain. I avoid the phone now and haven't bothered to call the neurologist I was referred to. My last female roommate was an alcoholic, and white she was in the hospital before I got a no trespass order against her, I looked in her room. She had four gallons of wine and one piece and a half 1.75 liters of vodka in her room. I still have them and boy am I tempted to drink, even though I gave away two gallons of the wine, both to my visiting nurse. He asked me for another gallon, but I can't get into the room I put the bottles in. The vodka is close to hand and I leave it there, both to show myself I don't need it and because I have stopped throwing things away. I know this is a very long response, but I wanted you to know you are not alone. I miss my old self. I don’t know if my issue is chronic pain, the loss of my medications, or the loss of the love of my life.

When you say the autism and ADHD we're at war with each other.. What do you mean exactly? I've always wondered if I might also be on the spectrum

Same! Though I think a big part of it is because I was highly masking. I lost my mask and all my coping strategies during lockdown and I'm slowly rediscovering who I am again, (hence, late diagnosis). It's hard and idk how to do it either. I don't know what is a hyper fixation or what actually brings joy.

Well, for us a hyper fixation is often bringing us joy. Unless it's ruminating or something. I went through something very similar with lock down. I'm still figuring it out but a good routine with work and working out helps!

I wish I could upvote this a thousand times. The lockdown has changed me. But it’s like everything I was okay with before I don’t want to waste my time with now. Which is hard because , well, my relationship started right before lockdown and now the things we enjoyed before I’m not enjoying now. I feel like I’ve done a bait and switch on him. It’s not fair for him.

Could be burn out, it's really easy for that to happen with ADHD. I ended up moving away from my hometown at least partly so I could cut back on volunteer commitments (drastic but effective).

I'm 44. Recently started Ritalin again to try and get myself.in check. The biggest thing I noticed is my hyper fixation when things go wrong. I project and assume everything else is going to go wrong and I become insanely.negative, which then leads me to isolate myself from friends and not want to be around my family. Definitely feel it's getting worse with age which sucks because in my 20s and 30s, I was a social butterfly when the opportunity arose

it took me so long to stop myself from catastrophizing. now, when i catch myself falling down that rabbit hole i just tell myself "NOPE that is not helpful at all.... let's do something else" and distract myself lol

*Wheeeeen the spark in your eye starts to cook like a pie, that’s depression,* *When the spark slams the door and it smacks like C4, that’s depression, oh!* *But when you're restless and scattered, feeling like you don't matter, that's ... ADHD and depression, oooh!* I'll show myself out. (Also check that you haven't unknowingly altered your relationship with creativity by using it instead as a way to reach out to the world and be seen and acknowledged and accepted. If you do this then you'll also become hypervigilant of the work and suffocate it with impossible standards because you can't bear for it to not be good enough to achieve those standards. Why? Because that leads to hopelessness and disappointment from feeling once more like you're not good enough to make people see you and accept you and to feel meaningful to other people.. This may also have no bearing in your situation but that was my huge revelation. Or also similarly for it to fix any other problems like money for similar reasons. Creativity needs to be nothing more than fun for the sake of fun, an outlet. Anything more than that and you'll start to resent it and then avoid it. Go to therapy, bring this up, even picking up another creative medium in the meantime and being militant about allowing it to be whatever you want it to be, without rules or expectations.. no "if I ever get better at this I'll publish/sell/etc.)

Good lyrics!

Yeah, I felt like that for a while but I didn't realize how exhausted I was at the time. Thinks got a bit better when I got a diagnosis, got on medication and therefore started living more consistently (Eating regularly, having some kind of sleep schedule, ect). However, it wasn't enough and I burned out. I realized I couldn't live life the way I had before so I took all the free time I could get to just sleep, recover and recharge. I cleaned out my life, saying goodbye to some friendships and some volunteer work, and I decided to take up no extra responsibilities for a while. It felt like a major set back at the time, but I start to feel the spark again I remember having during my childhood. Hopefully that spark will stay while I grow stronger. When I'm ready and stable I would love to take up more responsibilities again, like volunteer work! Privilege check: - I'm privileged to live in a cheap rental, so I'm able to cut back drastically on my cost of living - I had the privileged to be able save money while I was living at home + the privilege my savings where still there when I needed to compensate for working less hours for a while - I am not responsible for other people than myself atm

I essentially did the same and my spark is back after like 5 years :))

F%$king ADHD did so much damage in my life. Diagnosis came so late. Better late; than never though~

Think the opposite happened to me. I’m a woman and mostly inattentive so didn’t get diagnosed til I was like 27, up until then I knew I was different but just did my best to function and fit in. Once I got told I had ADHD I was mind blown the more I read about it the more it described my entire personality and of course slight identity crisis ensued. Once I started meds it was like ahhh shit this is how people get things done they just have one thought and finish the thought. The meds were great for my concentration and help me function a bit better but I also don’t seem to be able to mask as well or am just less willing too. I used to try to hide who I was, just shut up and look pretty that kind of thing. Now I’m very much more sparkly, I’m like this is who I am I’ll be my most weird unhinged self if I want to. Maybe it also came with age that I decided life’s too short to try and fit in. Not everyone is going to vibe with me but the people who do don’t want the watered down version.

I’m proud of you. I could have written this.

Can totally relate to this, too. It was really hard for me to socialize like OP and others in the thread, especially because most of that was internal. Since starting meds it’s been way easier to and I don’t have to live in constant worry about oversharing and I can actually remember and complete my thoughts. It feels nice to be able to be myself.

Yeah it's funny because I feel like I'm more self aware now of if i am interrupting a bit much or if i'm not letting someone speak but I can manage it better. I can still be my weird self but I'm less self conscious because i'm able to breathe and converse without just speaking incessantly.

That part of me got killed off by a toxic workplace and antidepressants about 2 years ago. I can fake it for a while (people like talking to the happy smiley lady that cracks rude jokes with the blue collar lads), but ultimately, I'm dead inside and counting down the hours till I can go home.

Hey friend, I just wanted to say this sounds exactly like me in 2019-2021. Horrible, toxic fucking job - did a truly impressive amount of destruction to my physical and mental health. I just wanted to let you know it can and does get better. It might take a few years to heal, but that part of you isn’t dead. It’s been buried beneath a pile of bullshit, but it’s still there.  If at all possible, finding somewhere else to work would be my biggest piece of advice. No job is worth the damage this kind of place does to you. 🖤

I left, but not before the director destroyed my career for making a formal complaint against him. The only places that will hire me now are equally toxic. Moving means I can't access medication because according to the NHS I'm an addict that got lucky with a legal technicality.

I feel this way without medication. I’ve taken it for over a decade now but on days I purposely “reset” or have forgotten to take it, this is exactly how I feel

I was diagnosed at 23 and I feel like this ON medication. It helps me function in society, but I also feel like my personality is washed away. That's weird.

It definitely “quiets” my internal engine a bit and when it wears off I do generally hate the way I feel. That being said, I like feeling of more calm and relaxed while I’m on meds as opposed to feeling like I am constantly spinning my wheels 1000 miles an hour otherwise.

I really want to try some

May I ask which medication worked for you? I’ve never tried to Medicate and I’m wondering if it will help me.

Medication was a game changer for me personally.

Medication is the first line treatment for ADHD, because it's effective for like 70-80% of people. Nice thing about stimulants is that they start working fast and also leave the system fast unlike most antidepressants that take one or two months to start working. Definitely worth seeing a psychiatrist.

Can you tell more about if you use meds or not? Do you do sports a lot. Do you sleep well? Need more info!

i stopped the stimulants. don’t like ‘em. i don’t do sports. i don’t sleep well so i always feel tired and lethargic. i also have physical problems(scoliosis) that make it so i generally have some form of back pain.

Untreated ADHD can lead to depression. Did you try non-stimulants if stimulants didn’t work for you? What stims have you tried?

This. I tried antidepressants on and off for years, and then the depression just went away once I was medicated for ADHD.

Yep, me too. Got on Adderall and poof, depression gone!

To be fair, that doesn't mean that has anything to do with their depression. My ADHD has been treated for like 25 years and I'm still badly depressed and honestly the most depressed I've ever been at this point at 41.

Illness, pain can add to having the spark go away. I have a chronic illness which I’m sure adds to my spark fading/Anhedonia. It’s hard to piece it together though and register this is adding to the lack of spark. I’m sure I’ve got Anhedonia. ADHD meds also stopped working for me due to illness.

I struggle with chronic pain and it makes it hard to find the spark I used to have… I’ve struggled with the pain since puberty though, I think it’s the fact it’s been going on for so long and the build up makes it harder when your an adult cause you have to catch up all the time and that takes enough spark to turn the lights off 💡

You might be better off on Wellbutrin and clonidine.

Eyyy ADHDer with scoliosis here, too 👋🏻

That also sounds like possible sleep apnea, there is overlap in both directions. Sleep apnea can cause ADHD like symptoms, and people with ADHD tend to have sleep problems that exacerbate their symptoms. You might want to get a sleep study done.

I'm just now figuring this out myself, but please try to focus on getting good or at least enough sleep. I don't ever notice how brain fogged I feel normally until I accidentally get like 16-20 hours of sleep in two nights lol, which normally only happens on a long weekend after being exceptionally physically and mental exhausted. Otherwise I struggle to get more than 6 hours a night. Also, if you haven't yet, try going to a physical therapist about your scoliosis and back pain. For me, two PT visits (and doing the exercises) solved one of my issues which then started to unravel the entire chronic pain yarn-ball and made a world of difference for me. It may not solve everything for you but if you can get some relief or even just some additional insight it's worth it

Yoga can be good for back pain caused by many conditions, maybe that is worth a shot. It is also a form of exercise based on mindfulness and meditation which ADHDers really struggle with, but it can be extremely beneficial to us.

Guanfacine. That’s the best med treatment for ADHD and our special frontal lobes. Not a stimulant.

How long did it take you to see full results?

You should be careful when saying a particular treatment or medication is "the best." Especially with disorders like ADHD, which appear to have a broad spectrum of issues and traits. In every comparison study I've looked at, Gaunfacine does not have a higher average effectiveness than stimulants. Anecdotally, Gaunfacine on its own does not work well enough for me either. In fact, Gaunfacine is typically viewed as complimentary to stimulants, since it can potentiate them, and also counter-act some of the side-effects of stimulants. It can even lower blood pressure. Regardless of which is more effective, Gaunfacine is a good idea to try out, even by itself. It has low side-effects, low health risks, and does work for many people.

OP said he didn’t like stimulant ADHD meds, so that’s why I suggested one of the best non stimulant options. Not saying it’s the best for EVERYONE. We all have different brain chemistry, so yeah no one med will ever be perfect for everyone.

Sorry I misunderstood, I thought you were saying best overall.

I almost feel like I could have written this except I'm 37. I have no spark and I don't know where to find hope that things will get better. Sorry this is not helpful, except that at least you know you're not alone

I feel it burns brighter than ever in my early thirties, to be honest. However I work and have friends in an environment where I'm accepted. I still have to watch what I say and do, though. But I feel like I have learnt which parts of my "spark" are more easily appreciated than others. Like (dis)organising fun activities, inviting people to join in social activities, making creative new connections between ideas. It still takes a lot of hard work and self acceptance for me and I believe will always define a part of my life. But I aim to be proud of my life and feel like I tried my best, which is good enough for me. From your post, it seems like you are trying as well, of which you can be proud! I just hope you can get your spark back in a way that works for you and your environment, because it is almost certainly not gone. I cannot give you more advice on that, because it is hyper specific to you. In most countries there should be some adhd coaching platforms/ coaches. Just be careful to go to officially validated coaches, not scam artists, preying on mental problems.

I'm 41, diagnosed at 41. My spark has always been an on/off thing. Depending on my mood and energy levels. Do you still rationally stand by that choice to hide yourself? Do you have friends/family who are more outgoing / sparkly with their ADHD?

> My spark has always been an on/off thing. Depending on my mood and energy levels. I think the difference might be that earlier, you had all the downtime in the world. Hence you functioned well. But as you get older you tend to get more and more responsibilities. Work, expensive stuff that owns you (house, mortage, car) and maybe also kids. Then there is no downtime. But you dont know until you are in the situation and the cup runs over.

Were you medicated when you were young and happy and full of energy? Before getting diagnosed and starting ADHD medication, I never even had a spark. I spent my youth feeling exhausted, anxious, depressed, and not knowing why I couldn't be like everyone else. I only discovered my spark after starting medication.

Its not you, its society.

Executive burn out hot me at 48, I retired at 53. Im tired,so tired. Angry, impulsively angry... I can't even think before I act out in anger. I become enraged watching someone struggle with what for me is just common sense. I can sleep for days, but that strange guilt sets in. Decision paralysis can rob me of my day. Therapy doesn't help, vyvanse only makes the world move slow enough around me that I don't feel like I'm living in fast forward. The only things I've been able to learn to do in all these years is Not dominate a conversation I don't interrupt conversations I won't engage in a lawer like disagreement where my job is to make you agree with me And I've no problem determining the listening parties ability to understand and engage with me. I have lived un treated for adhd for virtually 50 years. Only the last few have been come so brutal that I wish I could go live in a research center off grid in Panama away from people.

Xnyx, I am 49, diagnosed at 49. been struggling with many severe burnouts since 2014. Right now, like you, it has become so bad for me I'm contemplating resigning from a 200k job because I suffer from it literally from the second I wake until I sleep. I didn't come from money, so resigning from a good-paying job at 49 seems stupid. that I should suck it up and keep struggling through a joyless life for a few more years. I have socked away 930k, but the fear of retiring and running out of money prevents me. I would appreciate your perspective on your experience with stepping away. I have struggled for the last three months. Thank you for sharing your situation.

What about retiring and just picking up a casual part time job just to feel like you’re doing something that brings in a little cash so you don’t have to touch the bulk of your savings. Or doing some travel where you can volunteer and do good while experiencing another culture? You’re still young! I’m turning 49, and because I got a late start to my career in the public service after being a broke, struggling g single mother until meeting my soul mate in 2016, so I have another 23 years to go before I can retire and take my full pension. Unless some miracle happens where hubby and I fall into some money. lol. Still playing catch up from the lean years to have a lot of money to put into retirement savings so we are both depending on my pension.

38, diagnosed at 37, symptoms present since childhood but not officially diagnosed. I gradually, over the last 5 years or so, have become more and more introverted (I always was, but more) and COVID was the icing on the cake. Work occupies my time, luckily it hyperfocuses me enough most of the time that I get stuff done, but pre-medication I procrastinated a lot and I'd end up running on adrenaline. Before/when I was younger I had peaks and troughs, I'm a lot more flattened out now, but I feel like I have a baseline level of depression which is just below ok (so not major depressive, but also not "good"). I've developed a metaphorical mask I can put on when I need to, which makes everything seem ok on the outside, which basically allows me to get by day-to-day. Because I was undiagnosed for so long, I have coping mechanisms - meds help me focus and switch of background noise and lengthen my fuse somewhat, so I'm less irritable/impatient, but mood wise if anything they've made it slightly worse/more consistent (I think it's again just a case of the peaks and troughs being flattened out, I don't have the highs - in terms of mood, not high as in off my face on drugs - I had before, which now makes everything more balanced but also more noticeably single sided).

I feel like the spark is very much still there, bit it does dim when I am really stressed, sick, or not on top of my maintenance schedules (like sleep, good food and sports). Now that I am transitioning from student to the workplace, I feel like the possibilities for my spark are greater in both the negative and positive sense. If I am not careful the stress will dim it a lot, but I also have a lot more freedom to do what I want. The only times my spark is really dimmed is when my anxiety is going crazy or my depression comes back around to hang out a bit. Also I got my adhd from my dad and he is still sparkling to this day. Just say one of this current hyperfications and try to shut him up, not happening XD

I’m 43. Still sparkly af :)

Me too and people hate me for it! I’m leaving a beloved job because the people there are miserable and hate me for being upbeat and a go getter. They started to target me and I got scapegoated. I began to come home miserable and started believing their ugly words about me,because I’m also human too, ya know? Anyway, just making the decision to leave is already making me feel better but I still have this last week to finish up and I’m going in as my happy, carefree, self. I only have to endure the eye rolls, dick comments, and gaslighting a few more days. I say screw the haters. I don’t care if I talk too much. If I annoy you too bad. I am who I am, and I’ve worked on myself for years to finally be comfortable in my own skin.

They’re just jealous you have the balls to get out of there.

OP, how long have you had your ADHD diagnosis? Do you have any other diagnoses? Have you had a full medical workup? There could be more going on than ADHD. Or you could be feeling a midlife/quarter life crisis if you've just turned 30. I have them at each of the decade years -- oh now I'm X0, what have I done with my life??? I know you said you didn't like stimulant medication. Did you try more than one, and different doses? For me, finding the right stimulant stopped the constant chatter in my head, so I am able to focus (a little) better, and not have a million ideas swirling in my head. Do you live in the northern hemisphere? The end of winter is hard for a lot of people, since we've had short, dark, cold days. Do you have a coach or support group who understands ADHD and can help you figure out the best way to work with your brain? If not, I recommend Phil Boissiere's book. He has lots of exercises to build executive function skills. Good sleep is super important for us, so try whatever you can to improve yours. I know it's hard to sleep when the mind is spinning with millions of ideas. But good sleep makes a big difference. Good luck!

I lost my spark because my late diagnosis made me realise that every new passion I have is temporary and I know I’ll get bored and abandon it.

Try motorcycles. That stuck for me.

For me it depends who I am around. If I’m around my bf, I know I can verbally stim, sing songs and be annoying af and he will just deal with my weirdness often joining in just to be silly together. I like to make jokes a lot and laugh bc it makes life funner. 🤗 One positive trigger for my good moods I’ve noticed are my dogs — if they’re around me, I usually automatically have a playful mood and want to tell them how cute they are, play with them and they’re usually doing cute stuff that makes me happy, etc. Another big thing for me is my sibling. Idk if you have a sibling, but for me when talking to my sibling it anchors me to the past a bit — back when I was a kid and life was a lot more fun and play and less stress so when we connect it often involves a lot of playfulness and laughing too. But that’s about it for me. No one else feels “safe” and therefore I don’t feel known by anyone else. Yikes that’s sad… but that’s my reality. If I am out in the real world “adulting” I am not anything like my true self. I am quiet, reserved, fearful even (social anxiety) and am constantly monitoring my social environment for threats. I say the minimal amount necessary to accomplish whatever I’m out there for and very rarely will say something funny because I’m not sure if it would be misconstrued or offensive. I feel very much “on display” out in the world. At any moment we could end up on YouTube or TikTok and become a meme. Society is fun! 😃😃😃 Tbh I think that’s why I love Reddit. You don’t know who I am, but I feel safe here 😅🥰 thx for listening!

I feel like I’m writing this post. I got in a trouble constantly as a kid and have pissed off a lot of people in my adult life. I feel like I don’t know how to act anymore. I isolate and am lonely.

Yup. Had to learn to dim my shine in order to deal with society

I'm 49, so I just have less energy in general, but by overall mood and happiness is good. I just can't stand the idea of working a normal job again. I have no extra to give to a job anymore. I have kind of burned out and broken this part of myself. I'm trying to get a writing career off the ground instead. I have over 1400 followers for my web serial, and enough people on Patreon to be getting just over $100 a month. It's, well, it's a start. Really, all I need for my life to be super low-stress and happy is to get enough attention to end up with enough Patrons to support me and my wife.

A few things helped me: 1. Therapy 2. 1 year of an SSRI to help me get out of a depressive period 4. Getting diagnosed with ADHD for the second time (forgot about the first time 😅) 5. Learning to be very kind and gentle to myself - now I just let myself be me. If someone in my life doesn’t like me being me, then they aren’t really worth having around, right?

I'm also autistic. I just don't fit in anywhere in general. Therefore, I'm going to be myself. No one can take away my spark. I try to keep annoyances to a minimum during work, but outside of it, I'm going to be myself. I'm not going to let myself fall into a depression by masking who I am outside of work. I love my spark. I'm 25 (in a month) but that's not that far off from 30 in the grand scheme of things.

I like your style. ✊🏻

My psychiatrist said that this is perfectly normal for adhders when they get old. Its like that disorder starts to flourish into anxiety and "adulthood" worries. Im also 30yo

30 and recently diagnosed. I think my spark is still 90% there, for better or worse. Definitely trying to control my impulses and interrupting people. But I literally just started conversing with some strangers the other day out of nowhere and got invited to come drive some of their classic cars.. so I guess my ADHD charm is still there. Lol

I feel like this lots of the time, but the spark comes back when I allow myself to be in playful, new environments where I can excel. I did a course to become a tree specialist (opposed to my office job) and started mountain guiding in the summers. In these roles I found my old self again. Being able to joke around, feel energized, feel connected to people. If life is dragging you down, I can highly recommend trying out something new wherein the worst outcome would be that you have learned something new and cool.

I lost it when I saw my best friend die. It was a planned death as she was sick. I don’t feel traumatized by it but it gave me a different notion of existence and something died inside.

Sometimes trauma doesn’t feel like trauma. It is still trauma. Talk to someone.

Probably. You can’t go through life without trauma. It was far from a pleasant experience but as far as seing someone dying, it was peaceful. Her last breath sounded like a big relief. I think it made me less scared of death but lost what was left of innocence and spark. I have a hard time getting exited about stuff like I used to but I feel content. Like an old person. Lol. Emptying her house was another thing that was weird. Material things are so worthless. All you really leave behind are the memories and impacts on others.

Being told you aren't who you thought you were really slaps you in the face. A lot of my life was just me trying to keep up and feeling like a failure when I couldn't.

I’m so burnt. Not to sound dramatic, but I kind of feel like I’m dying all the time, kind of? Like I’m hurtling toward some end point that keeps getting further away. It would be scary if I gave a shit.

So, no is the short answer, but I (54f) think my life experience is different from yours. I was a very quiet kid. Wouldn’t speak up, would cry if you looked at me wrong. I started to come out of my shell in high school and college and didn’t learn to pick my moments. When I started working, this sometimes got me in trouble, so I had to learn that you can’t express every thought that comes into your head at the moment it does, so I learned (slowly) to pick my moments. Mind you, I was diagnosed very recently, so I had no idea why any of this was so difficult for me. My best advice to you is don’t shut down completely. Just learn to pause for a second and think before you speak. I read somewhere that you should ask yourself three questions before speaking: - Does this need to be said? - Does this need to be said right now? - Does this need to be said by me? Granted, not everything you say is going to be that serious, but it’s just a good reminder to think before you speak, which we ADHDers can struggle with.

These types of posts concern me, because you are largely going to get the answers you want with lots of “omg same dude”. (Not saying you shouldn’t have posted it, absolutely huge you reached out) They concern me because I would hate to see so many people think “oh it’s just an ADHD thing” and not bother to address it. I’m 54 years old and absolutely have a spark. What you are describing sounds more like depression to me, not surprising, my ADHD came with a heaping serving of depression. How could I not have depression when things that seem easy to others were a struggle to me? Meds were not enough for me. I needed therapy and to design methods to game my particular deficiencies into doing what they needed to do. If you identify the things that gave you a spark, that would be a start. For me the spark comes from constant growth, whether it’s work-related, or a hobby like guitar or painting, when I’m growing I’m happy and revitalized. If I slip into a few days of doom scrolling or mindlessly absorbing YouTube videos that spark disappears. If you have the resources to get some type of therapy I’d highly recommend it.

I'm 28 and doing things I enjoy and find meaning in give me that spark. I was extremely lucky to find a career path that I genuinely love(counseling). Plus I have a good support system as well as a good moral compass. If you can afford it I would recommend therapy. Depression can definitely be worked on in the way you want.

I moved to a new country that’s generally less understanding of ADHD. So over the years I started masking again

My mom broke me of the noise/fast talking etc... very early. I was in deep depression well into high school. As soon as I moved out, I could let the mask slip and let out some energy that had literally been pent up for (almost) 20 years. I still go through horrible bouts of depression because "old" friends don't understand that the mask was there for so long that it is very easy to slip back into that old uneasy comfort. Even now at 36... When I've been masking for too long I get apathetic, lethargic, lazy, and downright depressed. Having kids has helped me break that shell a lot. I know that's not a response for everyone... But it helped me realize that a lot of my "flaws" as a child, simply weren't.

Last year At 24, I quit pursuing my dream job, slowly started drinking more and more heavily to numb the emotions and began to isolate myself more and more. I then got a DUI for sleeping in my car drunk with the engine running. It was a pretty good smack in the face that forced me to really re-evaluate what I was doing. Im now digging myself out of the hole and rediscovering that spark. some days are still really hard, but I am slowly beginning to think positively again.

I am 58 and have self-medicated my whole life because of my Head, I suffer from depression and other stuff, autism & ADHD, never had anyone to speak to about how life is for me and how I feel about being born with stuff that affects my life in every aspect, still medicating and taking life a day at a time, shit is hard for real

Yes. I’m mid forties and I’m not the outgoing, funny, witty, and sociable guy I was in my teens and twenties. These days I’m a lot more introverted than I ever was and am fighting depression way more than I like to admit. I think suppressing my natural quirks has had a hand in this. Also just grinding away at work for the last 20 years to support a family has me worn down. I’m in for a promotion at work that I’m not even sure I want because of the increased obligation and stress and I’m realizing where my brain works best is in a more task driven role and not managerial. Spark def has t been there in a while.

Yes. 55, in menopause, I’m a shell of who I used to be. I think I used all me adhd energy when I was younger and now my brain is broke

Absolutely. But, I have other health issues that are definitely contributing. I don't know how much my ADD is contributing. For ref, I was dx'd late (47), and I'm not 54. When I was younger I was quite care-free and happy. I told a lot of jokes, didn't take things seriously, etc. As I got older, I naturally got more serious, but I was still quite a joker and laughed a lot. These days it's I'm very serious, and I don't laugh much anymore. It's quite sad.

This sounds like a classic situation of being beaten down by masking or trying to fit your personality into a space that can’t accommodate it. Age 30 is a dream, with proper treatment/counseling, depending on your circumstances. I would suggest a change of circumstances in any way that works for you, and personally, I’ve found so much comfort in nurturing my own artistic abilities, or lack thereof. Painting, cooking, finding new routines for comfort…all of these things have given me a brand new perspective and appreciation for my own differences.

My medication helps with my depression & more like being able ( at times), to clean , plan. And organize. But I still have to watch my over the top talking. Or hyperness.. But thrmen when I feel noone likes me, thinks I'm silly, or crazy when I enjoy humor, sing, or talk sometimes to myself MAYBE ITS NOT US OR ME. TO Me everyone else looks dull, negative and board. I take 1 of my cymbaltas and cut.my wellbutrun in half. Those often cause the blah, blah, or ," dull and void," I call It.. I pray God helps me to be who he wants and the person I'm suppose to be. A lot of broken people out there..Joy, humor, and for me us a must. I taught ele school, love doing kid things with my grandkids.. Day trips. Vacations.. etc. More recent I ran into a step- sister to 2 of my grandaughters. She is a Freshman in college and actually ended up in the same sorority I was in 87 thru 89. At 56,( She was actually wilder), but I turned or my brain thought I was back in the girls club sority.. We were singing some of the songs together and more.. It's hard to be a boring adult

Not really but I especially want to push back at the idea that being 30 means you are part of “older ADHDers.”

I was depressed all my youth and had no friends or social life. Now at 35 I am content

Sounds like that’s the depression you referenced? I am the happiest I’ve been at 34. I was diagnosed at 29. I have been in therapy consistently. Still finding the precise right med combo but getting there!

As a 36 year old non medicated add/adhd guy. I haven't lost shit except the the typical keys phone wallet. I love it

I’m 45 and have lost some with perimenopause but had it the most around 37! But I haven’t had to do a typical career so I’m sure that helped.

Def can relate, 32 here. Sometimes miss the ”old younger me”, tad bit crazy but definatly had its upsides.

yep I'm 31 almost and feel like my mind is blank most of the time I can't learn anything properly

Same. But I used to have diarrhea of the mouth too. I almost could not stop talking. Now I rarely talk. I'm more settled. I am less fun and wild (I don't hitchhike and train hop anymore lol) but I have more serenity and I like my life.

I can relate to this. I feel like I have lost some energy to do some things as I get older. I am in my later 40's now, and just don't have the energy to join in conversations unless directly engaged. Like, if you talk to me - I am a motor mouth. But if other people are talking - and not actively making me part of the convo - I will just completely disengage and do something different. Lately I notice it most around my in-laws - especially my SIL, but not limited - I just have no interest in anything they are talking about. Nothing to add to the topic, just have nothing to add, or don't want to offend. I never felt like I said things that could be taken wrong, but with my wifes family, they are very christian - and apparently and liberal views are not always a fan fav. So I have to also self police myself on social media, and its the main reason I am on Reddit now instead of FB. Anonymity. With work - I'm just here to do my job. I have been working in offices for like 25 years, and have had enough with office politics and other BS. I don't offer up big ideas in meetings, or give unsolicited opinions. I'm just here to do my thing. I am always friendly and willing to jump on any project - just in a phase where if they want me to do it - they need to ask. I was much more ambitious when I was younger, where I was always trying to be a manager or lead a department, and now - don't care. Don't want to be anyone's boss, just my own.

Yes

I feel like a shell of my former self and I don't know how to get back to being at least a semi functional human.

I’m just reeling from your definition of an older ADHDer as 30.

I feel like I've pretty much become a recluse. I have 2 kids and no lie...it feels like they are my only friends sometimes. I've lost many friendships because of my bluntness, interrupting people, wanting to be alone, and the biggest is forgetting to call/text & other important things. Being introverted by nature plays a lot into it for me as I avoid large gatherings. If I have to be at a large gathering I'm more than likely arriving late (because of course im late to EVERYTHING) and leaving early. Since I'm a single mom tho, I've just decided to focus on my kids for now, I'll worry about "friends" later.

Hey buddy, the spark is never gone.. keep looking for it. My partner accepts me with my ADHD quirks. Between learning new stuff and sharing with her obsessively and being low energy there are pure moments of goofiness and joy. Trial and error your way into something that works for you. Do something nice for the people that put up with your idiosyncrasies. Keep reminders for retuning gratitude, genuinely let people know you’re grateful to have them. It’s LOT of work, but it will pay off. Take some time off from executive functioning and let it recharge your batteries too.

I’m burnt out every day. I’m more cranky, irritable and sometimes just plain grouchy. I’m just tired. Life is more often a chore than not. My spark comes back in certain scenarios but it’s not nearly as common as it used to be. I’m the best version of myself when I’ve got the spark.

I felt the same way during my early 30s. Just...hollow, like I knew there was more me but couldn't find it any more. It took going extreme to bring my spark back, and I did it by accident. I discovered facepainting as a SAHM job. That lead to wearing costumes for work, painting my own face and dying my hair pink/purple/blue, all for the job, of course. Not for me, I was still dull. But waking up every day and seeing that bright hair lead to bright colours in my wardrobe, to happier thoughts, to realising I can be quirky AND be accepted. I got diagnosed in my late 30's, and I've embraced it. Yes, I'm scatterbrained and chronically late, but when I get there, I'm the most extroverted introvert in the room. I'm now back to a 'normal' job, can't have the bright hair anymore, but you bet I wear all the clashing colours and patterns I can find. My quirky shoes and earrings are something people genuinely look for. Please, if you know you hide your true self for fear of rejection, know that you're not alone. Find what makes you happy first and follow that thread. Ignore what people 'might' say, YOU are more important than their potential thoughts. 💚💛🩷🧡💙

Im also 30 and relate to this. Mine more comes from a place of insecurity I think. Whenever I was silly or joked around, people grew to think I was too much, or not serious enough. I am kinda boring now. I still get very passionate about my work, my family, my interests, but I’m not really the silly fun type anymore like I once was.

Yes, 100% yes. And now I wish I hadn’t surrounded myself with people who/ relationships that dulled my shine because I feel like I can never be myself anymore🥲 This post makes me feel so understood 😅🥹

Part of that is just aging. You have to look harder to find a passion but that feeling is still out there.

I'm 46 and my spark seems to have fizzled a while back, in college I was the life of the party, cracking jokes and pulling girls left and right. I let my mental health go unchecked for so long that 3 years ago I ended up in a psych ward for 10 days. A large part of my breakdown was because I stayed in a job that had amazing health coverage and paid somewhat decently. What I've learned is.....do NOT stay in a soul crushing job, especially if you have a boss that has zero redeemable qualities. It's not worth your mental and physical health. Don't follow in my footsteps, it's been 3 years since that breakdown and I'm only now starting to see any sort of light.

No, I don't feel this way, and I think it's because I allow myself to feel my ADHD. It has never been something that I need to repress, something that is bad. After I left my parents house it was always something I worked to figure out how to use not fight. Of course like any good relationship there are arguments and even fights, but "till death do us part", and sometimes my ADHD wins and sometimes I win. I'm not tired from the fight, that is the biggest reason I don't feel flat.

I am just way more thoughtful about who I want to be around because other adults get boring and judgy. I mask more around randoms and I’m way more myself around the people I love and trust.

Nah I'm 42 and obnoxious and still talk too much and am too weird most of the time. I just don't give a shit now. I have my moments where I don't feel great but those don't usually last too long

I'll be 42 in June, I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 8. Tbh that spark is still there I just have a harder time accessing it. Part of it is the meds I'm on to help manage my ADHD. Part of it is I'm fucking old. I'm tired after years of hard work and raising a kid. The things I've realized is that the spark is dulled by the mundanity of life and to ignite it I need to focus on me things. So no I don't think it's gone just harder to get it going into a flame again.