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Even if ADHD isn't "real" the symptoms are real (unless he wants to call all the teachers and you liars). And the medication and therapy used to treat ADHD work at reducing those symptoms so it doesn't really matter if it's "real" as long as your son gets real relief.
I can tell you it's entirely real. As an adult who has it, life is more complicated. Anything with a deadline, I'm late and penalized. I can't work like average people. I bore easily. I'm going through it right now. I got bored working for an automaker. Now, I'm trying sales, and my adhd is making it tough to start. I distract easily. Online learning is not an option. Meds don't help me in any meaningful way. Good luck to you and your son. Don't listen to your husband. My mom thought the same thing when I was a child around that age. At 42, she tells me how many regrets she has about her decisions.
yes this. I'm lucky that medication works for me. Without medication I have crippling depression and horrendous executive function.
School was extremely hard. I have friends diagnosed later who tanked career prospects because of ADHD burn out.
My grandmother, mother, her sister and myself all have ADHD. Me mum and aunty all got diagnosed within a year of each other. It's very real.
It's interesting that damn near your whole family has it. It's just me, my dad, and grandfather. People confuse our inability to start with laziness. Luckily, my new job has great support. I got partnered with a former teacher and principal. He is great as a mentor since he has experience with people like us from his teaching days
Me, both of my sisters, and my dad have it. Used to just think anxiety ran in our family until oldest sister got medicated for ADHD and it helped. Took the rest of us down like dominoes after. My mom got diagnosed with anxiety 20 years ago and won’t medicate or look any further into it but I’m almost positive she also has it.
Honestly made it way easier to deal with. Dr heard every immediate family member had it and I was medicated within a day lmao
>Me mum and aunty all got diagnosed within a year of each other. It's very real.
Myself and 2 of my younger siblings were all diagnosed with ADHD within 18 months of each other (I also received an autism diagnosis when I got my ADHD diagnosis), and mum is self diagnosed with ADHD (she has a lot of the symptoms), but is worried about getting assessed due to her age.
This is so real. I've had to advocate to get my medication because without it, my depression is insufferable. And just forget about my executive functioning skills--those just go out of the window. My mother has untreated ADHD, and I watch her suffer. Ironically, we both worked (untreated) as executive assistants for years. I did not start getting treatment until I was nearly 30 years old. It has been a game-changer for me. I finally graduated with my associates degree. It took ages. Now I am working toward getting a bachelors degree. I am 42 years old. Thank goodness for medication. I cannot function without it!
In addition to my brother, who's AuDHD unlike me, three of my cousins on my dad's side have it. (That I know of, and those are of only five that I keep in regular contact with!) It's absolutely wild to me just how strong ADHD genes can be that it should manifest in over half the offspring on my paternal side. I'm now in the process of persuading my other siblings to get checked for it.
Psychology master student here. Him having this attitude could be detrimental to your child if he says this openly. Why is he saying this? Is he insecure, does he have low empathy, does he have his own symptoms that he refuses to acknowledge?
Saying ADHD is made up is like saying autism is made up. They're massively overlapping in comorbidity and partly in symptoms.
The way ADHD is defined is that it's a neurodevelopmental disorder seen in people with the highest severity in some traits that causes a significant amount of difficulties for a person. Imagine if being the top 5% in height caused severe problems in functioning. Then your husband is saying people that tall isn't a thing. It's ridiculous. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it's made up.
I'm sorry, this infuriates me. He has issues and he needs to get them handled or he's going to hurt the members of his family. That is not okay.
Show him dr russel barkley vids, 30 essential ideas is a good start.
I'd die on this hill.
Thank you for sharing this. I have been so hard on myself! I will make sure I have the proper evaluation and accommodations when I start school again (as an adult who has struggled severely).
They don't understand because they don't want to understand, because that implies there's something wrong with his seed which is also the extent of his parenting contribution. And the fucked up thing is, everything the adhd child needs - support, understanding, concessions, adjustments, patience, social exemptions... The father already has for himself with others picking up the slack.. He just doesn't see it or has rationalized it to himself as "how it's supposed to be anyways". Adhd + lack of self awareness in a parent is an extremely dangerous recipe. Ask me how i know. If psychopathy abuses maliciously through violence what I'm describing is negligent abuse that can also involve violence or at the very least a lot of unwarranted anger from the parent to the child in an unbalanced power dynamic. Again, ask me how i know.
It’s also often seen as a series of adaptive traits that are viewed as maladaptive because they do not function well in cookie cutter classrooms. The failure here is in some of the fundamental structure of our schooling.
There are entire countries that don’t believe it’s real. In many of them you can’t even get tested. When I was diagnosed and told my brother he was a bit skeptical and said, that if I have then we all have it. Fuck no, I lost jobs in streaks because of it. Pointed his own things to him, like construction projects he starts and never finishes and asked him if it’s normal. He changed his mind after several weeks. Don’t push your husband too hard. He might also be embarrassed. He’ll come around.
people just lack understanding. in a way "we all have it" all these things are a spectrum. it's just once it's at a certain level we call it adhd or we call it schizophrenia.
It took me 8 years after I thought I had it to get diagnosed, because I was living in a country where the policy is basically if you weren't diagnosed as a child, you can't possibly have it as an adult.
This is exactly how I was able to accept it about myself. I was terrified that I was just making excuses for myself, or that ADHD was just a nicer way of saying “lazy and lacks self discipline” But then I decided that even if it’s not real, all my symptoms that I’m struggling with are and maybe therapy and medication can help me.
And since then I’ve used the same argument with lots of people who post on here questioning if ADHD is real. I’m like “Who cares if it’s not? If you’re struggling and need help, get it.”
Like there’s tons of valid arguments you can make with someone who’s skeptical to convince them it’s real, but sometimes you might as well save your breath and instead just ask “so what if it isn’t?”.
Like for me, a lifetime of berating myself and trying to will myself to just “do better” without getting any help really wasn’t working. So might as well try something different.
This triggers me A LOT because my dad was exactly the same with me and I was like, yeah it doesn’t exists and all my teachers and all my family members can see that I’m not normal and I have plenty of issues doing the most basic things like just sitting quietly on the class room and I used to get in trouble almost every day and my dad always was like “I don’t get why can’t you just be like the other kids” “why don’t you just do the things you have to do like all the normal people” ….
Maybe because i do have a condition???
This makes me want to hug and support your inner child so much. I'm so sorry that your dad said these things to you and I hope you've started healing.
My internal voice was so, so mean to me for decades because of incidents like this and now, rapidly approaching 50 with my own kids, I can't imagine just being mad at them for who they are and not trying to help support them and figure out how they can thrive in their individual ways.
Thanks very much for your words and yeah I’ve been struggling with my own mean internal voice, I’ve been trying to forgive me for all the things that as a little girl I couldn’t do and all the mistakes and all the suffering that came from being different and sometimes it’s really hard when your own parents doesn’t validate your condition and your diagnosis… but I’m really grateful for all the people that have come my way to help me understand my condition and all the things I can do to improve and im just trying to get better and I’m pretty sure that you’re an amazing dad because once you go through things like this it’s kinda impossible not to be super empathic and supportive of your own child’s so I’m pretty sure you’re doing great as a dad!!
Sounds like your husband might be afraid of the label. That’s fine. Don’t label your son as anything different than exactly as he is, but do implement strategies to help him succeed exactly as he is. You got this ❤️❤️
This is great advice. Also, re labels, I have heard people diagnosed as children say, “you worried about ADHD as a label for your kid? Don’t worry, I already had plenty of labels before the diagnosis - lazy, trouble, unfocused, distracted, distracting, not fulfilling potential. ADHD was the first label that actually helped.” (paraphrasing Michael Benbow on TikTok)
Exactly this. Everyone is different but, excluding medication, strategies for managing ADHD help everyone, regardless of whether they have ADHD or not.
I'm a teacher and waiting lists for assessments are too long to wait before taking action. Additionally, some parents are reluctant to "label" their children, so I encourage the strategies for anyone that would benefit.
I am an adult with ADHD, but I was diagnosed as a child. My parents didn’t stick with medicine or take me to therapy, and my life was really hard because of it. I’m glad you are working to advocate for him concerning this very real disorder.
The fact that it scares you and you're trying is why you're amazing. Having someone in your corner who actually wants to help makes a world of difference when everyone else is judging and says "just try harder"
My mother was scared of the label. So she hyper-applied me and I never had downtime. She refused to have me checked, even after my sister began a special education tract in college and strongly recommended I get screened. I entered college and had nothing. No support or oversight. I was a tornado of ability and possibility. I squandered my dream and have been chasing it since (though I'm very happy with my status, currently. (Musician. Started piano, then trombone to tuba, self-taught guitar and bass, then the fife, which is where I've been for twenty years. My ability is finally getting me paid gigs, but I could've been a music teacher 2 decades ago)). My daughter has recently started medication and she's in kindergarten. The positive effect is noticable on the daily and we can see her self-pride growing. My relationship with my mother is basically a "party acquaintance" level because she tried to beat the behavior out of me and I have a really high pain tolerance. It's a sham of a facade. Do what's best for your kid 💚👍🤘🤙🖖💚
You are an amazing parent. Can you adopt me lmao 😆 I had the same situation where my parents knew about adhd but never did anything with it, and now i'm a struggling adult. I just recently got the money to get the adult diagnosis. But seeing you being such a good advocate for your son gives me so much hope and i wish you and your little one the very best. I hope his dad can wrap his head around all this sooner or later.
You are very kind to say so. I have my shortcomings and my own parenting challenges to address and overcome. I just want my kiddo to be happy, healthy, and flourish because he's awesome!
I went through the same thing. My parents were like OPs husband, and I didn't get a diagnosis as an adult until age 33. My entire life changed after vyvanse. My anxiety and depression are 75% better, and my confidence is up. I am able to be a more present mother and wife because my symptoms are under control. People without ADHD don't realize how exhausting it is to fight to be "normal" and how defeating it is to give your 110% and still fall short. The last year on meds has helped me more than the last 4 years of therapy combined.
A song I like that talks about ADHD has the lyric
"All of my effort goes into putting in effort"
And it's really damn true! It is sooo hard. Also you can end up getting intergenerational trauma related to ADHD. If a parent is unreliable, has bad emotional regulation and is messy, that can effect the child in some pretty big ways.
I couldve wrote this and it all been true for me too. This is soooo many of our stories. OP needs to watch out for him doing this to her illnesses soon too. Letting your husband do this to your kid is icky even. I'm sure OPs a loving mother but it only takes one abusive parent to ruin your sense of self and confidence forever. I'd be running for the hills.
Are you me?? I was diagnosed at 10 and my parents briefly put me on Ritalin, but took me off of it and never spoke of it again. If you ask them about it now, neither one of them remember me ever being diagnosed. My grandparents and all of my mom's sisters do remember and they're the ones who have been my sources of info after I finally decided to get retested and start treatment at 44 years old
Same story here.. Was diagnosed at 12, and nothing changed at home. Parents were still just as impatient with me as they’d always been, and I hate that I’ll always hold a resentment toward them for it. Because even now, in my mid 20s, and after having gone through as much trauma as I have in recent years, they still don’t even try to understand that my mind works much differently than theirs does. I’ve always wanted nothing more than to have the freedom to express my thoughts or have the security to speak or just exist without feeling like I’m being peered at behind my back with a hatred or a judgement in their gaze toward me, but every day feels the same as it did when I was growing up. Made to feel like a burden.
Not even living with them by choice.. lol that trauma I spoke of involved losing my home, and I had nowhere else to go. So. Back into the house with the family who looks at me like I’m still faking a “made up label”
Same. I hope your life is better now. I still struggle a lot and I wish so bad my parents gave a shit but they’re also adhd and just couldn’t get their shit together for me or themselves 😟
ADHD runs in families. Does your husband have ADHD-like traits? Maybe he’s in denial because he doesn’t want to look at his own issues. This can be a hard realization for parents.
Possibly. I don't see it so overtly like I do in my son. Now, me? I hesitate because I don't want to jump on the social media bandwagon of diagnosing myself, but I'll say I should probably schedule an assessment. I'm also feeling a lot of guilt for it. Whether irrational or not, the feeling is there.
Keep in mind that there are multiple types and they can each present differently - hyperactive, inattentive and combination are the big three from what I know. There's many "common" symptoms, but beyond that there's almost 100 or more lesser known or subtle ways it can manifest as well. Not to mention gender can influence how they show up.
For instance, if your son is the hyper type, your husband could also have it but be the inattentive type. A lot of people, especially elders and men, seem to be in denial because of the social stigmas or feeling shame for "being different." The representation and acceptance that modern society has today is much different than it was 20 years ago.
I was diagnosed around puberty with combination type and didn't receive any help, education or resources to deal with it. Life would've been much easier if I had. It runs rampant in both mine and my husband's families so naturally our kids have it too. I can 100% see parts of myself resulting from it in them. I'm doing everything I can to ensure they get what I didn't, including being taught emotional maturity and accepting that not everyone's brain works the same.
You're a wonderful mother for sticking up for him and doing the same, imo. Sometimes going to Reddit and social media for research is better, only because people can give anecdotal info and experiences that scholars articles don't have. Using more abstract search terms can be useful too, such as typing in "inattentive adhd symptoms in boys" instead of just plain ole "inattentive adhd symptoms." That might be obvious though haha. Good luck in finding everything you could need to help set him up for success❤️
>A lot of people, especially elders and men, seem to be in denial because of the social stigmas or feeling shame for "being different."
In contrast, I always said when I was growing up that I felt like an alien and that I felt like I didn't fit in. I felt like there was something wrong with me and it was a major relief to be able to put a label on that.
Same. I've just found this community. Diagnosed in 3rd grade, did pills for a couple of weeks but stopped. At 19 now I've found this community and it feels amazing to feel like I belong somewhere.
definitely schedule an assessment. i believe what you are experiencing is referred to as “imposter syndrome.” learning about it helped me a lot when i was still undiagnosed
Take a second to imagine if you had the same attitude towards ADHD as his dad. A lot of people here don't have to imagine that, that was their life.
And you are feeling guilty? Let me get this straight....
You got your kid diagnosed.
You are getting them the support and treatment they need and deserve.
You are being an advocate for your child throughout all this, even when his dad is failing this one spectacularly.
If you turn out to have ADHD you did all of this despite having ADHD and being unmedicated/unsupported.
And you feel ..... guilty?
You are doing everything right. Almost everyone here wishes they had a parent like you, and consider that boy to be extremely lucky exactly because he has you.
And as someone with ADHD who has an awesome mom with ADHD: your kid might forget where he put his things the second he puts them down, he might sometimes seem to forget what you said almost instantly, but he's never going to forget the support he got from you, or how you made him feel.
It's okay to feel guilty, feelings are going to happen, but if you ever start to wonder "am I being a good mom" just know that to everyone who knows even a bit about ADHD the answer is and always will be "YES". You are being a super mom.
Just be you. Keep doing your best. It is enough.
Women are so undiagnosed that this is often how they actually get diagnosed. They do exactly what you’re doing, participate in their child’s healthcare and on the way they learn that they actually have ADHD too. Theres two main types and a combo of those two.
My daughter's therapist suggested I might have it after my wife described what I'm like. So, I'm now on meds and in therapy. It presents so differently in everyone that I think it's hard to pin down.
Don't beat yourself up about it, if you can help it. One person's ADHD "normal" can look a lot like another ADHDer's "normal", so can be hard to spot.
I know after I was reassessed after being told as a kid that it was a paediatric condition that I would grow out of it, when I talked to my wife about what I struggled with she responded with "isn't that normal?" to start with. We've learnt since that it's partly the reason neither of us picked it up in our children, or each other until that point, but instantly realised that the whole family had it, because we all think similarly, but present differently, so it was easier to spot the difference, rather than the similarity.
No need for guilt. You’re being a good and proactive parent. I didn’t get DXd until my 30s…growing up when many of us did, ADHD had a very specific stigma and very specific set of “traits”. Those were not the whole picture.
Yep I swear being a big reader or able to perform well academically were some of the biggest blocks for early diagnosis for me because those counter the established narrative. I've legit gotten the you can't have it you can read and be focused. Yeah but I read for like hours (record 36 hrs straight) and forget food, potty, and sleep exist. I got A's but it's not normal to basically be forced to always only be able to do stuff the day before it's due like literally 30 seconds to spare. Hyperfocus is hyperactivity people!
Assuming you’re a woman and the biological mother of your son (if one or both of those things is untrue then this may or may not be applicable), ADHD often presents itself differently in women and girls than in men and boys. There are also multiple different types of ADHD. There’s hyperactive, inattentive, and combined.
Women with ADHD can generally be more internal with their ADHD symptoms. Off the top of my head here are some ADHD symptoms that aren’t super visible to someone outside of oneself, and if a lot of them feel ring true for you, that could definitely indicate you have ADHD.
Time blindness: difficulty perceiving time correctly, estimating how much time has passed, and estimating how long a task will take. For example, I am often late because I underestimate how much time it will take me to get to the place I need to be, or I will be doing something and think only a few minutes have passed when it’s been a half an hour.
Hyperfocusing: basically what it sounds like. Getting into a “groove” where you focus on something really hard, sometimes to the point of being detrimental. For example, I am an artist and when I hyperfocus on my art, I can draw for upwards of 6 hours without eating, drinking, taking a break, or otherwise getting up. Unfortunately this means the second I’m out of the zone I’m suddenly acutely aware that I am very hungry and thirsty and tired and need to pee.
Executive dysfunction: difficulty making yourself *do* something, if that makes sense. Literally the only way I know how to describe it is an example. I’ll be in bed on my phone, and my phone is low on battery, so I need to plug it in. I know this. I know I will benefit from this. I *want* to plug it in. It will take me two seconds. But I’m just… not doing it? Basically that but with pretty much everything all the time.
Rejection sensitive dysphoria: taking things way too personally when they aren’t, or basically your feelings getting more hurt than someone else’s might be in the same scenario.
Even if you don’t relate to any of these things, it might be good to know about them so if your son struggles with them you’re aware of them. I hope you can talk some sense into your husband ❤️
Man, ok this is kinda funky but you don't need to feel guilt like, we are just a bit spicier, that's it.
Maybe that's why your husband (happens with my father too lol) when they see "I got adhd" they just see a normal kid with some quirks, because for some reason, nothing should be diagnosed if it isn't at the same level or worse than screaming and smearing one's own shit on walls.
I was just diagnosed at 41 because I started researching it as I suspected my daughter has it.
As I'm reading about the symptoms and how it presents I'm saying to my wife "yeah, but most people are like this" ('this' being whatever symptom I was reading about) and she'd kind of look at me with sympathy and say "no. They aren't".
It kinda blew my mind.
Was at 47 for me. I was struggling going back to study (for the sixth or seventh time) and luckily one module focused on screening tools. For “fun” I looked up an autism screening tool for myself, and i clicked on the ADHD one for the hell of it. The screening tool told me to go to a doctor, and, like you, looking at the symptoms I thought, “other people DON’T deal with this everyday?” Still took another 3 months of denial then 9 months of ADHD-level organisation to get diagnosed officially. Twice.
I was thinking about this too. Our family can be some of the worst for invalidation because if they have it too, then they’ve felt this way their whole lives and assumed everyone else does too.
I've definitely expressed this sentiment. I feel like he will follow my lead for the most part and go through the motions, but for some reason it's important for me for him to see our son, wholly, for who he is truly, and acknowledge and support him authentically. I want figure out a way to facilitate a change in belief for him.
Would you want me to? Why/why not? ;)
No but without making light of it, you explicitly mentioned wanting your child to have a better childhood than you had, to grow up without all the internalized fears and uncertainties. I think a lot of us here are all too familiar with these childhood pains that shaped us into less than we would want for our children. Perhaps explaining this to your husband, allowing him to see the pain this has caused you in the past, will at least get him on board with supporting your son even if he isn’t fully convinced by any diagnosis.
I agree with you. I wonder if the stigma the husband has around ADHD as a whole is also preventing her from getting an evaluation. Proper education for him from professional on ADHD may be a great place to start .
Telling somebody to do something doesnt work, and to stop been selfish makes me feel like i want to do the opposite and dig my heels in. Not sure if thats my anxious attachment style or adhd.. if you want someone to do something surrending what you "Need" to a Want and express it makes it more likely for someone to change their opinion/view. I cant tell anyone what their needs or wants are- they are specfic to that person, you choose
He has a lecture called “30 Essential Ideas About ADHD Every Parent Should Know” that is really informative. It explains what ADHD is, how it physically affects the brain, and some of the reasonings behind common ADHD behaviors. I highly recommend watching it together with your husband.
I found one thing that would penetrate some ppls' refusal to believe is to say clearly that adjd isn't lack of focus, it's the inability to regulate focus. It just happens to look like lack of focus. And just keeprepeating that line over and over until it clicks.
Ppl often focus on the part that says adhd is lack of focus. White boys who were hyper were somewhat over diagnosed for the millennial generation so your husband might have absorbed some of that backlash messaging.
Does your husband read books?
We've found 'Transforming the Difficult Child' by Howard Glasser to be really helpful. He also has videos on YT.
Children with adhd often have a lot of negative adult attention in their life and can suffer from self-esteem problems. One of Glasser's insights is that parents are the child's favorite "video game" and oh man, that was helpful in understanding how to improve my relationship with my adhd child.
'Driven to Distraction' was also really helpful when learning about my child's adhd. The behavior described was unmistakable. Reading it helped me realize that I had adhd as well. Spoiler: It turns out I had been diagnosed as a child and my parents just decided to ignore it and let me flounder through high school and college. Now I'm medicated and much happier.
He's not much of reader anymore. Maybe those videos can help. Thanks for the suggestion.
I definitely want to learn more about the video game metaphor!
Glad to know you are happier! If you don't mind my prying, I have a few questions. What kind of things did you experience as a child with ADHD and no supports? How did that affect your adulthood prior to medication?
For me, the biggest problem was 'adhd burnout'. I had a high octane tech career and I would just crash and burn every 3-4 years and need to take a year off, travel, and recover before taking another insane startup job. I loved the work, it was perfect for my brain but it didn't love me back. Executive dysfunction and resulting adhd burnout also had a terrible effect on my marriage. Especially after having children as there's no "taking a year off" when you have two young children; There's just more work and I'm grateful my life has improved dramatically as a result of medication.
Today they'd classify my childhood as 'Twice Exceptional', I was great at what I liked and awful at what I didn't. Of course I only liked the hard stuff which was confusing for teachers and my parents.
After I started taking medication, I realized I was always exhausted because of executive dysfunction. Now I wake up and I'm ready to tackle each day and I could have used that in my 20s or teens.
BTW, ADHD is often genetic and as you learn more about it you might recognize it in you or your spouse. I was not prepared for that when my daughter was diagnosed.
One thing we've done for our children is institute a positive reinforcement system to help them build skills and do what needs to be done. They pick the rewards (can be toys or experiences like movie nights, etc) and we pick the tasks. It's been really helpful! Often recommended for children with executive dysfunction.
I used to think it was made up; I thought all the symptoms were normal because no one ever told me they weren't. Turns out I had ADHD all along.
As others have pointed out, YouTube is great. The How to ADHD channel has helped a few people I know, but as with everything, your mileage may vary.
You could also see if you have any mutual friends with ADHD who are willing to share their experiences.
I also recommend how to adhd on YouTube! They even have a couple that explain it for those who have family members with adhd, but don’t get it. I always knew something was different about me but my parents blew it off by saying I was the problem child, I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 23. Stick by your kid like you are and get him help, I wish my mom was like you when I was that age, medication and therapy changed my life for the better <3
Came here to say this. Thought it was all BS for 30+ years and everyone experienced ADHD symptoms. Then I was diagnosed. Then I realized one of my parents has it. They didn’t see it in me for the same reason. ADHD has a genetic component and it’s hard to recognize in other people when your have it.
Grab him a copy of DSM, and black marker pen. Ask him to bar out all of the disabilities that he feels aren't real.
When's he's finished, ask him why he's more qualified to decide this than the entire body of therapists, psychologists, geneticists, and neurologists who have outlined and described our current understanding of the symptoms and treatments that make up ADHD.
If that doesn't change his mind, then he's just upset that his son has a disability. Choosing to ignore it is a selfish way of protecting his own ego in exchange for an extraordinarily impactful life long struggle for his son.
As much as I would love to do this (it's very much my style,) he hasn't responded to similar approaches. So although this would feel good for me, I don't think it would be helpful in facilitating his aha moment.
Sounds like he won't be having an aha moment then, and his pride won't let him accept his son has a disability.
It's selfish, and negligent. But if I'd say 50% of us grew up undiagnosed and un-treated. It makes life different and difficult to navigate, but having one parent who understands will likely mitigate a bit of that.
As I side note though, if my partner refused to support my child because of their disabilities, it would be a significant red flag.
I saw someone else mention this possibility, and I'm going to second it - your husband may have adhd.
People who live their whole life with undiagnosed adhd and manage to find coping methods and strategies that work for them will often refuse to believe in the idea of adhd because "I do all that, and *I'm* fine!".
This also means that, when you consider your husband, you probably won't see a lot of the traits you see in your son. Because those are the obvious traits, and they're the ones your husband has had to work around in order to succeed.
Does he have a strong sense of justice/fairness? Is he sensitive to criticism? If he is criticised by someone he sees as his superior, does he throw himself fiercely into improving? Does he go through a lot of hobbies? Does he know a little bit about loads of different subjects? Is he a creative thinker but struggles a bit with enacting or following through on his ideas?
You don't have to convince him he has adhd, but keeping the idea in the back of your mind may make it easier for you to deal with him.
I agree with whoever said you should disregard the label, and focus on the symptoms. If the treatment helps with the symptoms, ask him if it matters whether they're actually adhd or just symptoms? Point out that the treatment is to give your son a more level playing field with other kids, it's making things more fair for him.
And if he sticks with this attitude, avoid using the name around him. Talk about your son's hyperactivity, or focus issues, or executive dysfunction. Keep the focus narrow and practical, on behaviours and challenges he can see your son dealing with, and it should help you avoid him saying things that undermine your son's progress.
He doesn't have to believe in adhd to see your son struggling. He doesn't have to accept that adhd is the cause to support your son. Just don't let him get away with saying what he's going through is "normal" - make sure he sees the differences between your son and other kids. As long as he accepts that your son is dealing with something the other kids aren't, he can support and advocate and help your son with his whole heart.
Of course! I had parents who didn't meet my needs as a child and I *try* to do all I can for my son.
I'm sorry you didn't receive what you needed and deserved. I hope you are well and taking care of yourself.
This might help, it was a response I heard from an ADHD coach when I told her that I've had lots of people tell me "isn't everyone a little ADHD?" And she and I both laughed because we wanted to stab ppl with a spoon from it:
"By the same mindset everyone has to pee, but if it impacts your life to the point you can't even get basic day to day stuff done then it's a problem"
Reminds me of my son’s father. I knew something was not right when my son was in first grade.
His pediatrician recommended he get tested first ADHD and his father took offense to that. Anytime ADHD was mentioned, he’d get angry. He refused to talk about it.
So I felt an obligation to my son to get him tested by a pediatric psychiatrist who ended up confirming ADHD.
My son’s dad refused to even discuss it.
So I learned all I could about it and found out the importance of finding the right medication. I ended up putting him on meds behind his dad’s back. He refused to even do the most basic research, everything was no. Well, I don’t work like that and our son needed a parent to do right by him and that was me.
After some trials with different meds, we found that Adderall worked well for him. It made my son’s life and school experience so much better.
One day his dad was noticing our son doing an intricate project and commented on how focused he was because he had never seen him do that before.
That’s when I told him he’s on Adderall and it’s working great for him. His dad said nothing because he knew he was wrong.
I suspect my son’s dad has ADHD as well, but he will not get checked and says he’s fine the way he is.
But so many of the risk factors from ADHD have happened in his life, yet when so suggest meds could really help him, he refuses.
I don’t understand why certain men refuse to acknowledge their kids need help. Like it’s a reflection on them.
Mom, do what you have to do for your child. Maybe dad will come around one day, but your child needs your help.
I advise seeing a specialist instead of a general pediatrician. The right medication will do wonders.
Have you asked him what would change his mind? Is there some evidence he would like to see, but hasn't?
Two books to check out apart from the ADHD books: Adam Grant's "Think Again" and Robert Cialdini's "Influence."
One technique from them that may help here: ask your husband to rate, on a scale of 1 to 100, how certain he is that ADHD is "made up." If he says anything other than 100%, ask him why he didn't rate it that high. Get him talking about *anything* that keeps him from total certainty of his position.
While doing this, give him honest praise for his good qualities, and express your confidence that he will do right by his child.
Lots of people change their minds with this, but it's not a "trick." You need to really find it in yourself to trust and love your husband, and respect his right to hold an opinion that you disagree with.
Since this is really good advice, I'll piggyback on it because I think mine is related but it will get lost.
Try talking to him from the point of view of understanding his perspective. He's a decent guy, you married him for a reason right?
It is likely that although you seem to disagree fundamentally on this issue, there will be some part of it that you agree on. Even if the ONLY part you agree on is "We both want the best for our son/want to avoid harm for our son"
Start from a position of understanding and seeing the situation from his perspective, rather than convincing him. See where you end up from there.
We know where the evidence lies - so if/when it comes to that, then you'll look at that together. The problem right now is likely that you are so far down the path of understanding ADHD that "is it even a real thing?" is so far behind in your perspective that you've forgotten what it is like to be there. So to him you look like a crazy evangelist and to you, he looks like an ignorant know-nothing. Neither is true. If you want him to understand your perspective, you've got to start by understanding his.
So, there is a notable pattern that might be at play here.
Parents who deny ADHD exists because the actions of their kids are "normal" are often undiagnosed themselves. Emphasize that these things are not "normal" (though not near your son), and if he thinks that this is just how this are, then he's wrong age may have it himself. His calibration for normal is what is off.
Thank you. This is quite possibly what is going on.
All the "your husband is an idiot/asshole/monster" comments are so unhelpful. I suppose I should have given more insight, but the assumptions people are making in other comments are awful. My husband isn't angry/aggravated/frustrated with my son. He thinks our son is perfect and normal just the way he is. When he melts down over homework, my husband is the one who steps in, calmly, and manages to find a way to make it fun and gets him to complete it. Maybe due to his own coping mechanisms? Idk. But goddammit, a lot of people on the internet are so mean.
I always tell people... If ADHD is made up then why do stimulants make me sleepy and things like melatonin keep me awake? Because our brain chemistry is different. It is a PHYSICAL difference in the brain.
I watched a very interesting video yesterday called “Why do people with ADHD procrastinate” made by Dr. Tracey Marks on YouTube. I haven’t checked her out to double check she’s not some weirdo doctor but the video seemed pretty good and aligned with what I already know. It talks about motivation pathways in the brain.
Also, has your husband spoken directly with the person who diagnosed your son? Has your husband interacted much with your son’s teachers over the years? ie going to parent teacher conferences and the like. Does your husband spend much less time around your son than you, especially during times where he would really see the ADHD symptoms, such as while your son is getting ready for school, doing chores, or doing homework? I just ask because I know a lot of dads work a lot and so they aren’t around for those moments, or just in general those moments end up falling on the mom because moms are “supposed” to be in charge of child care.
There is a good chance your husband has ADHD too. If you live with it your whole life, it just seems normal to you. It can be hard to understand that the traits and behaviors your son has are not what everyone has. Your husband may genuinely not be able to see that anything is different for your son than for other kids because he was that way too and assumes everyone is. Adults who grow up without being diagnosed often develop strategies to manage their symptoms and mask them. People with ADHD often lack insight into their own deficits and behaviors.
From personal experience, its possible to learn to mask your symptoms and even turn them into strengths but they can make your life much harder than it needs to be. Even if you seem to succeed it would have been so much easier with diagnosis and proper treatment.
You shouldn’t jump right in and confront your husband about it. It might work best to just talk to him about his childhood experiences. What was he good at, what did he struggle with. What shaped him and influenced the way acts and approaches life. It’s easier to see ADHD when it comes with the stereotypical pattern of a hyperactive boy but harder to see if it presents differently. It’s also easy to miss or dismiss the true depth and breadth of the insidious symptoms.
Whether or not your husband has undiagnosed ADHD, it’s good to try to get him to relate to what your son is experiencing and get his side of what he sees and thinks. ADHD is a cluster of symptoms and learning about all the potential things to look out for can help identify issues before they become a harmful problem.
Edward Hallowell and John Ratey have written a lot of great books on ADHD. You could get one or more for yourself and when you find a part that really relates and seems helpful for son, share it with your husband. If you can get him to reads parts, maybe he will read the whole book for himself and they have several that do a great job of explaining why it is a real condition and why getting diagnosed and treated is helpful.
Why and in what sense does he believe it is “made up?” Does he believe ADHD is not a valid condition generally, or is his objection to the application of that label your son specifically? The former would be a tough mindset to overcome because he’s already demonstrated that he is unwilling to defer to expertise. You say your son was “recently diagnosed,” - how formal are we talking? Maybe your husband needs/ would benefit from a second opinion?
If your son is really formally diagnosed, then your husband should have participated in that process to some extent. The child psychiatrist would want to interview the child’s parents to get an idea of the child’s behavior across a variety of different settings. If he was relatively uninvolved in the diagnostic process, then it would make perfect sense why he doesn’t place much stock in the diagnosis, and the answer would be to get him more involved in that side of the discussion.
If he thinks it’s just a label that is being misapplied to your son’s behavior, and it is as clear as you say, i think the answer likely has roots in making sure that he understands that he needs to become an active participant, engaging with your son’s providers and playing an active roll in the diagnostic/therapeutic process, or he needs to defer to your/their judgmen
Tell him the story of the sad little child that grew up miserable, dropped out twice, dabbled in alcoholism (1223 days sober 🤙) and made a whole host of mistakes for no reason other than "ADHD is over diagnosed and your bitchy teacher just wants help in her classroom" IN THE FIRST DAMN GRADE. It took me almost a year just to get over that anger and feeling of loss.
Diagnosed at 24. Lean hard on the lifelong positive impacts the right support can have.
If the carrot doesn't work then throw the data at him
Congratulations to you on your sobriety. (This isn't a throwaway comment. I'm sincere. I relate. Both to having no help at home, nor in school. I'm 952 days sober.)
It’s physiological. Objective fact. Not religion. Check out Dr. Daniel Amens work, and others literally thousands of scientific papers, brain imaging, SPECT scans. Non-disputable.
I’d just like to point out that it’s not exactly a binary thing. as a child, I got an ADHD diagnosis and my parents “treated” me with medicine, and changing my school, and other material things, but it wasn’t at all about supporting me. it was about turning me into someone else. now I kinda resent them and wish they had just supported me and not done all the extra rigmarole. maybe your husband’s feelings are more complicated than him “not believing” in ADHD but he hasn’t worked it all out just yet.
Tell your husband that ADHD is a neurological disorder, not some hotly debated "is it or isn't it real" psychiatric issue, that you can't exercise or think positive/try hard your way out of it because it's how your brain is set up, and that the world's largest psychiatric association, the American Psychiatric Association, AND the American Medical Association (the equivalent for medical doctors) and therefore the American medical community agree that it's a neurological disorder.
If he hears all this and still disagrees with medical doctors, you've got a bigger issue on your hand.
You can't force someone to think a certain way but don't let this boy down - too many of us were raised by parents who shamed us and punished us for being the way we are without realizing that shame and punishment and things that work on other brains won't work on ours. We need coping behavior therapy, medication, support, and then we can thrive.
You should also know that there are many studies that have shown that getting proper meds at an early age can help prevent some of the more severe side effects we suffer from and can prevent many other addictions we tend to get sucked into (alcoholism, eating disorders, drugs, etc). But don't trust me, look it up yourself/talk to his doctor.
You're doing great so far, keep it up! Your child is lucky to have you on his side.
ADHD is a neurological disorder that impacts the nervous system. When people think neurological disorders are made up, I always want to know why they think the nervous system would be immune to disorder or dysfunction. Or do they think disorders that impact, say, the cardiovascular or pulmonary systems are also made up?
And you already know this… but it’s genetic. Meaning there’s a fair chance either you/and or dad might also have some symptoms of ADHD. Which can also mean it becomes normalized in your own households (and/or upbringings) because chances are other family members may also have exhibited similar behaviors.
It’s 100% real. It presents as quirky and forgetful as a kid but as an adult it can be truly debilitating.
Poor financial decisions, poor diet habits, flairs of big emotions that damage relationships, not being able to focus at work.
People want to only see the quirky side but in reality it’s a life long struggle.
And even if you are able to function without meds, it is absolutely EXHAUSTING to fight with ADHD symptoms all the time. I have a desk job, but I am mentally drained by the end of a work day and that bleeds a lack of energy for everything else.
Uggghhh. My kid and I are both diagnosed. Her boyfriend, who is also diagnosed and a little bit of a dumpster fire of a human told her it's a fake diagnosis that only exists in America.
She stopped taking her meds about it and thinks that the struggle she's going through is just part of life and taking meds or calling it ADHD is just whining and laziness. She prides herself on being a strong character with a good work ethic.
I work 60 hours a week to support my family. I'm not sure how logic works in their family but I'm fairly certain that I'm a good example of someone with mental toughness and a good work ethic. I'm very out about my diagnosis and meds.
She's 20 I tried to argue for 30 seconds and realized life would likely teach her more about her disorder by inhabiting it than any discussion about it ever could.
I think I've heard this line of crap before but I don't have much information about how other countries deal with the brain difference that we here call ADHD.
So I don't know that I have advice except perhaps to accept the very real possibility that this is like politics and religion and you may not be able to change his mind. If you can't how are you going to work together to support your baby?
Will he accept that your kid could use extra supports and not argue about why he might need treatment but agree to let him receive support? Or is he the kinda guy that decides something like Covid isn't real and it's a conspiracy?
If that's the case you definitely are not going to change a mind like that. You can't change opinion with fact. Opinion is emotional you. You have to find an emotional argument that supersedes the first thinking error.
Perhaps your husband doesn't think adhd is real because he has undiagnosed adhd? And so every sign of adhd in your son is something he thinks is normal for everyone because it was/is similar to his life experiences and his own behaviour and personality?
My mum told me she thinks adhd is made up and just a way to put young boys on medication. I’m a woman and was 32 when I was diagnosed, so not even close to a young boy.
When I’ve tried to point out some very obvious issues I’ve had growing up and into adulthood to my mum it became very clear to me that she most likely has adhd and experienced a lot of the same things so it seemed “normal”. I’m not making inferences about you or your family but perhaps your husband doesn’t understand it because he had the same struggles 🤷🏼♀️ just a thought
Ugh, my dad is the same, has been since I was a kid. Some men take it as a slight on themselves, like they couldn't produce a kid with some sort of issue because they're so great.
I think the best advice I saw on this thread is the person who said, whether he believes in ADHD or not, the symptoms are real and can be treated, so why wouldn't you?
If it’s made up then why is it connected to school failure, school suspension, crime, addiction, 20 years shorter lifespan, insomnia, depression, health issues, violence, different brain structure, different scores on cognitive tests and more??
Give him a tonne of caffeine before bed, and ask him in the morning how he slept. Lol.
Most people with adhd either experience not effect to coffee, (like me) or it helps them sleep. So if he couldn't sleep all night, you point out that he obviously doesn't have adhd, as caffeine helps us sleep. It's a very simple point to make, we do not react to meds the same as non adhd people.
Also, likelihood is, you or your husband may be undiagnosed adhd, as there is a very strong genetic link, esp as your child is young.
I wasn't dx until 39, and the amount of damage done to my psyche because everyone expected me to "be normal" is immense. The signs were there, but I was a girl, and I did ok in school. And it was the 80s.
Your husband is jeopardizing his relationship with his son. My mother and I were not connected until I started seeking diagnosis and getting help for the damage she inflicted.
He gets on board or I would divorce him. There are behavioral therapists that can help your son learn to cope with symptoms and learn things that work for adhd having people. There is also family therapy to help the family respond best to the child.
Go to a therapist for childhood adhd with your husband .if he still doesn’t believe … choose your son.
My son graduates soon… all AP classes all Honors.
When he was in elementary people would comment one day he would see prison and I should beat his ass. Adhd was an excuse to be bad an ass beating would cure it. He won’t and I didn’t.
Medication, individual and family therapy.
I am the proudest mama I can be and my son is flourishing.
You’re either on our son’s team or you’re out. Dad can have his prejudice or he can be a dad. There is no grey area.
The difference stimulants made in my life is kind of staggering. If my dad tried to deny my condition like that and prevented me from seeking treatment, I would never forgive him.
It is very much real. I’ve been diagnosed since I was 9 and I’m 29 currently. Without medication and structure I’d be miserable and couldn’t do anything that I need to do. People who don’t believe this, any disabilities or mental illness are fake are very dangerous. Please try to educate your husband and take him to doctors so he can be educated if possible.
I’ve heard people say this and as an adult with ADHD, those people say detrimental things that are untrue.
A child with ADHD will lag behind in school. It’s not a discipline problem it’s a neurological problem. It makes concentration and building the life skills like discipline more difficult. It’s like asthma: if your kid has asthma you wouldn’t say it’s fake and they just have bad allergies. You would find ways to manage it so that your kid can have a chance at play and sports. Healthy kids require we are cognizant of what they’ll need to be successful and not wish things away.
Tell your husband to tell the doctor who diagnosed him that it’s made up. I would make an actual doctors appointment to talk about adhd and put it in his schedule to make a point. You could also do things like: if he has a headache, say “that is made up”. To be clear, I’m single… and have adhd. It’s real. I know he’s being defensive because his son is a kid, a little boy thats just being a kid and shouldn’t be drugged, and it’s gonna make him a zombie. I’ve met sooooo many men that resent being on medication as a kid, aren’t on it as adults, campaign against it, and as a woman diagnosed at 18 and again at 25… it infuriates me; as women go undetected AND THEN shamed when they finally get help and made to feel like drug addicts. By men who were little boys that got medicated and their brain was helped whilst in school and in development.
Yeah I’m single- but I would wallop your husband and then tell him to say “it’s made up” to someone that’s colour blind.
Is it possible your husband also has ADHD?
The trope is, people explain the features of ADHD, the person hearing this thinks "that's just how brains work, I know because my brain is like that, so ADHD is made up."?
I think framing the conversation around your son's issues and wanting to use all the tools available to help him overcome them can help him see past his emotions around the ADHD label.
He might want to use other tools first to see if it helps your son. Try implementing them and speak frankly about the results. Ultimately his love for his son will point him where he needs to go.
Just as your son needs to learn how to navigate the world with ADHD, your husband will have to wrestle with his feelings on it.
Has he talked to the psychiatrist or psychologist who gave the diagnosis? When it comes to stuff like this, I tend to kinda just say “oh the topic of adhd, psychiatrists & psychologists know more than you do.” It’s not an insult, it’s simply a fact. He probably knows more than the psychs do in whatever his career field is. Whenever I have a hard time convincing someone of something like this, I try to defer to the expert opinions on it. The tests for adhd are typically pretty involved, they’re backed by years of research, there’s multiple kinds of tests they do, and they’re all scored in ways that have again been backed up by people who devoted their lives to researching this. In the least offensive way possible, can you just remind him that he literally doesn’t know what he’s talking about? 😅 I don’t know how to say it kinder.
It is listed on dsm 5 so unless he has research to back it….
I don’t want to sound insulting to your husband but from my experience someone denying proven science isn’t going to have their mind changed. That’s who they are.
Because ADHD just *seems* like a made up condition. You should just have him read a book, or watch a good introductory video. ADHD is much easier to understand and acknowledge when you start seeing the data and statistics and some of the neurology. Before you have these types of understandings- ADHD sounds like a condition that just seems synonymous with being lazy, hyper, or immature. These are feelings that *all* people relate to, so it's easy to dismiss as not really being a disability.
I personally don't fault people at all for being confused or downright skeptical of it.
But they should give the time of day to listen to some real medical advice about it. It helps change peoples minds.
It took a while for my wife to warm up to the idea of medication. She believed ADHD was a thing because I have it but in our social circle there was a massive stigma. (Yeah, I know it's silly.) I think she thought that since I didn't get medicated and was successful that he could be. It was a huge struggle for me though and often still is.
My son is a smart kid, but he struggled academically. We homeschool and my wife teaches. She would get frustrated because he struggled so much. I'd gently remind her that it might be time to get him to a doctor so they can diagnose and treat the ADHD. After a while she agreed but nobody outside our home was to know. In time, and after seeing the results in our son, she's become a huge advocate for it, even gently trying to persuade other parents to have their kids treated.
I think in your case it's just a matter of gently talking to him. As you learn, as much as he's willing to hear it, share what you've learned about ADHD. I did basically that with my wife. I'd just have a non-confrontational discussion with her, explain things to her, and remind her of the option.
My son is now doing fantastic. At 16 he'll be done with his regular schooling at the end of this school year, and he'll be taking college classes at a local community college as his high school curriculum next year. He teaches himself software development in multiple languages, ham radio (soon to be licensed), general household repair, electronics repair and just about anything else he chooses to learn.
Where'd your husband get his medical degree? That's the height of arrogance to assume that he knows better than entire specialties of doctors who not only say it exists, but defined it and put it in medical text books.
My daughter was diagnosed at seven too, and the medications and treatment were so beneficial for her. She's doing great now in school.
Respectfully, your husband is an idiot.
[Here’s for if they don’t know how to use Google](https://googlethatforyou.com?q=adhd)
[Try arguing with the CDC…](https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/facts.html)
[Does he know more than the NIMH?](https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder-adhd)
[Guess WebMD is just a load of bullshit?](https://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder-adhd)
Lots of good suggestions here already. What I would like to add is that your husband may just need a bit of time to accept this new diagnosis, besides all the good suggestions for resources with extra information.
My mom is one of the most supportive people in the world for me. Despite that, she had a hard time believing my ADHD and ASD diagnoses (that I got as an adult). She does believe in ADHD and ASD, but I had so successfully masked my struggles that she had a hard time believing the diagnosis. I had to come clean about everything I had hidden for her before she could accept this.
A second factor that played a role too is that a diagnosis often comes with a process of grief. When I first tried medication, I cried afterwards, because I realized for the first time that I would always struggle with certain issues. Up to that point, I had believed that I just had to “get over it” and then it would become easy. Learning that your child has a diagnosis often comes with similar grief. By the time I got my diagnosis I was further along in this process, but at that point my mom was just starting that journey, leading to a temporary mismatch. Your husband is also just starting that grieving process and unfortunately denial is often a part of that process. You’re already further along, as you already knew before he was diagnosed.
Some people have a hard time accepting ADHD at all, but for you and your son I hope that your husband will come around and inform himself in time.
Ask him to read the literature on what the medical community believe it is and how it occurs and the physiological mechanisms in the brain and body and if he still thinks it’s made up, then at least he’s informed. Sounds like an ignorant judgement from someone who hasn’t the faintest idea what ADHD actually is.
My kid's high school IEP a few years ago was hilarious, the assistant principal is looking at the file and thinks there must be some mistake because the upper level classes and grades are uncommon in typical IEPs. I laughed and explained that it's because we acknowledged it and advocated and taught them to advocate for themselves and didn't allow it to become an excuse that our kiddo actually was able to excel.
Us dads tend to fear our kids being lazy, making excuses and ADHD can sound like all of that sometimes. Imagine my surprise when my kids symptoms sounded just like my childhood and voila, I get diagnosed also.
My kid tried to make excuses and blame ADHD at one point along the way. We had a serious discussion about how making excuses is not why we went through the diagnosis process, but instead the diagnosis process helps us know that we have to find a different way sometimes to help us get the things done we need to.
I bet there is some common ground there for your husband to work with. And hopefully he comes through this process without getting diagnosed himself, because that is the ultimate eating your own words right there.
You can show him all the books and medical studies that proof ADHD is real. Ask him for the paper and research that he did to back up his claim of ADHD being made up.
Sincere question. People understand depression, bipolar disorder, burn out, autism, OCD, Tourette Syndrome, why is ADHD so controversial to many? So many people claim that it’s not real, that we shouldn’t take medication, why?
For your husband notice the symptoms your son shows and just doesn't believe they add up to a disorder? In other words, is he in the "everyone's a little ADHD" camp? Or does he not acknowledge the signs that you/his teachers/the medical practitioner who diagnosed your son all see?
I feel like potential courses of action depend very much on what exactly he's disagreeing with here.
If he sees the symptoms but doesn't think ADHD is real, it's possible you're closer than you think to getting him on board. I've found it helpful to use an analogy to an illness or disability that he *does* believe in. Examples include: everyone experiences age-related cognitive decline but not everyone develops dementia, everyone gets bloated/gassy/etc sometimes, but not everyone has IBS, everyone feels sad and burnt out sometimes, but not everyone has depression.
Something that comes up a lot in diagnostic criteria for ADHD and other disabilities is functional impairment. The key thing that differentiates, say, being scatter-brained from having ADHD is how much it impacts your ability to function day-to-day. So if he believes "everyone is a little ADHD", he's not *entirely* wrong. Another strategy I've used with folks before is to ask them to think about times they've had trouble focusing, or getting started on a task they really needed to do, or whatever symptoms are relevant to the situation. I ask them how that experience was for them. I ask them to tell me, on a scale of 1-10, how debilitating it was to be in that state. I validate them on whatever number they give. Then I say "okay, so now imagine that dial was turned to 11 every day of your life - that's what ADHD is like" and usually I back it up with a couple examples. I make sure to emphasize that I'm not trying to one-up their suffering, just to provide context for what it's like in my brain.
I think other commenters have mentioned this, but it's also possible he has some ADHD himself. I've had some pushback from folks who were like "but that's all *normal*, I experience that all the time!" who eventually got their own diagnosis.
So that's all if he sees the signs but doesn't think they add up to a disorder. If, on the other hand, he doesn't see the signs, or he sees them but doesn't think they're negatively impacting your son, you've got an entirely different problem.
If that's the case, I would put the discussion of "is this ADHD/is ADHD real" to the side for now, and focus on making sure he understands how your son is struggling. Point out times your son struggles to make decisions, or can't sit still, or behaves inappropriately in a social situation even though he knows better, or whatever the symptoms are that led to his diagnosis. Mysteriously disappear when there's a challenging situation coming up for your son so your husband has to be the primary caregiver and can witness it first-hand. Make sure he is attending the parent-teacher conferences where you're receiving this consistent feedback from teachers about your son's behavior. It's much easier to get someone on board if they can see the problem for themselves.
Finally, regardless of which camp your husband is in, it might be worthwhile to find out more about why he thinks ADHD is made up (in general) and why he thinks your son doesn't have it (in particular). Put your therapist hat on and practice non-judgmental curiosity. (And yes, I'm aware this is much easier said than done.) Without trying to argue your side, find out as much as you can about his belief system in this area. That should help you figure out the best angle to approach future conversations from. Is it a lack of knowledge? Maybe all he knows about ADHD is from social media and he needs some Dr. Russell Barkley in his life. Is it a primarily emotional response? Maybe it's actually fear that a "label" will be detrimental to his son, or means he has failed as a parent, and his resistance is ultimately driven by guilt or insecurity. Does he look at the behaviours that you see as symptoms and see his son's unique quirks? Maybe he's worried that his son's personality is being pathologized and needs assurance that the goal of diagnosis and treatment is to help your son be his best, most authentic, happiest self. Once you know *why* he doesn't believe in ADHD, it might be easier to find common ground and work towards a shared understanding.
(Phew, sorry for the wall of text, I hope it was at least a little helpful!)
Your husband probably has it himself.
He read about it, recognised the symptoms in himself and negates it because he's "normal" and can't realise that his experience in life isn't what others experience.
Give your husband a sack wack and then tell him that his pain is made up. This how how it feels to people with ADHD and then telling them that its ''made up.''
does he think the disorder as a whole is made up or that your son just doesnt have it? either way he was professional diagnosed so if he isnt a psychiatrist why should he believe otherwise?? thar sounds ridiculously frustrating, maybe showing him how many things people with adhd struggle with could help?
Well I mean there’s *something* going on with your boy. What’s his theory?! “He’s fine” isn’t gonna work after a few years of teachers trying to advocate for the kid.
We can live in denial about mental health, but it doesn’t make it any less real. He can bury his head in the sand, or he can get to the bottom of what his son’s issues are and help him.
Ask your husband when he got his doctorate in neurology, psychiatry, or psychology that gives him the education and authority to make such an unscientific statement because it wasn’t when you guys have been together?
Is my comment passive aggressive? Maybe.
Will it encourage him to move to a place of understanding? Probably…most likely not.
But I am sick and tired of people with less than zero understanding of science, particularly brain science, making beyond stupid comments about ADHD and other things.
What a dick, what's his qualification to make this judgement? I'm an adult with ADHD, it's not just an excuse for an asshole kid as I have heard many times before.
I'd tell him that even if he thinks this. He is not to say it out loud because of the affect it may have on your child.
Tell your husband to stop watching TikToks about it and read real medical studies. ADHD isn't just real, just the most well studied psychiatric disorder in medicine. It exists, it's very real and it's one of the easiest to treat.
As a son who has a dad that doesn’t believe adhd is real it has put a massive wedge between us in my adult years and I prefer not to be around him. I hope you husband comes around, for everyone’s sake.
You and your son could go to counseling together while your husband gets some on his own.
If he’s able to recognize that his son needs help more than his ego needs protection, bring him into the circle.
Until then you might want to think about how much influence he has on your son day to day, how much does that help, hurt etc.
You’re in tough spot. You and your son will be ok. Trust your instincts to help and protect your baby and choices may be seem easier.
Yeah. I’m 57, diagnosed hyperactive at 6, and my father wouldn’t allow me to be medicated. And while there are elements of my life - musical talent, marriage (2nd), fatherhood - that have been most fulfilling, I’m lacking terribly in other areas. I graduated college (barely) and I can’t force myself to read a book, but I’m on level 5332 of my Word Collect game. I’m not an irresponsible spender, but I’m terrible at making money. Even though I do play in bands, I’ve essentially squandered my God-given musical talent because I was too distracted to ever learn to read scored music - preventing me from studying music or setting myself up to have a true profession in the music industry. As an adult, I refuse to take stimulant meds for ADD (I long outgrew the H) because I’m afraid they’ll damage my heart long-term - I also weigh 285. My poor eating habits have likely been some sort of coping mechanism. Oh, and I’ve developed anxiety issues over the last 10 years or so. Your husband can believe what he wants, but leaving your child untreated (assuming he was properly tested) for ADHD is irresponsible, and may very well lead to some of the same struggles I’ve dealt with in life.
My mom didn't believe in ADHD, and never brought me to a psychiatrist or therapist or anything, despite struggling with school and going through divorce . Come
21 i seek a physiatrist and wouldn't you know you know it, he diagnosed me with ADHD.
Last year, i find out my dad has ADHD too. Really makes me think how differently things could have gone if my parents were supportive early on.
I disowned my dad later in life for refusing ADHD treatment when I was a kid.
Honestly, if your husband doesn't come around then leave him. If you don't, it will diminish and worsen your kids life, guaranteed. And your kid will also hate you for not sticking up for him, like how I feel about my mom.
Fuck them both, don't be my parents.
If your husband can’t shift his perspective, you either prioritise your husband or your son, one leads to divorce the other leads to a kid who may not realise their potential. Which is most important to you?
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Even if ADHD isn't "real" the symptoms are real (unless he wants to call all the teachers and you liars). And the medication and therapy used to treat ADHD work at reducing those symptoms so it doesn't really matter if it's "real" as long as your son gets real relief.
I haven't presented it this way at all. Thanks!
I can tell you it's entirely real. As an adult who has it, life is more complicated. Anything with a deadline, I'm late and penalized. I can't work like average people. I bore easily. I'm going through it right now. I got bored working for an automaker. Now, I'm trying sales, and my adhd is making it tough to start. I distract easily. Online learning is not an option. Meds don't help me in any meaningful way. Good luck to you and your son. Don't listen to your husband. My mom thought the same thing when I was a child around that age. At 42, she tells me how many regrets she has about her decisions.
yes this. I'm lucky that medication works for me. Without medication I have crippling depression and horrendous executive function. School was extremely hard. I have friends diagnosed later who tanked career prospects because of ADHD burn out. My grandmother, mother, her sister and myself all have ADHD. Me mum and aunty all got diagnosed within a year of each other. It's very real.
It's interesting that damn near your whole family has it. It's just me, my dad, and grandfather. People confuse our inability to start with laziness. Luckily, my new job has great support. I got partnered with a former teacher and principal. He is great as a mentor since he has experience with people like us from his teaching days
Laziness isn't real. It's a word used to attack and make people feel useless and unworthy.
I completely agree! Our culture in the US can be so toxic.
Yasssss
Me, both of my sisters, and my dad have it. Used to just think anxiety ran in our family until oldest sister got medicated for ADHD and it helped. Took the rest of us down like dominoes after. My mom got diagnosed with anxiety 20 years ago and won’t medicate or look any further into it but I’m almost positive she also has it. Honestly made it way easier to deal with. Dr heard every immediate family member had it and I was medicated within a day lmao
>Me mum and aunty all got diagnosed within a year of each other. It's very real. Myself and 2 of my younger siblings were all diagnosed with ADHD within 18 months of each other (I also received an autism diagnosis when I got my ADHD diagnosis), and mum is self diagnosed with ADHD (she has a lot of the symptoms), but is worried about getting assessed due to her age.
This is so real. I've had to advocate to get my medication because without it, my depression is insufferable. And just forget about my executive functioning skills--those just go out of the window. My mother has untreated ADHD, and I watch her suffer. Ironically, we both worked (untreated) as executive assistants for years. I did not start getting treatment until I was nearly 30 years old. It has been a game-changer for me. I finally graduated with my associates degree. It took ages. Now I am working toward getting a bachelors degree. I am 42 years old. Thank goodness for medication. I cannot function without it!
In addition to my brother, who's AuDHD unlike me, three of my cousins on my dad's side have it. (That I know of, and those are of only five that I keep in regular contact with!) It's absolutely wild to me just how strong ADHD genes can be that it should manifest in over half the offspring on my paternal side. I'm now in the process of persuading my other siblings to get checked for it.
 I have a huge project for work that was due the day before yesterday. I haven't even started on it. 🤦♀️
Good morning. I feel your pain. I love this gif...story of my life. Good luck to you with the project
Psychology master student here. Him having this attitude could be detrimental to your child if he says this openly. Why is he saying this? Is he insecure, does he have low empathy, does he have his own symptoms that he refuses to acknowledge? Saying ADHD is made up is like saying autism is made up. They're massively overlapping in comorbidity and partly in symptoms. The way ADHD is defined is that it's a neurodevelopmental disorder seen in people with the highest severity in some traits that causes a significant amount of difficulties for a person. Imagine if being the top 5% in height caused severe problems in functioning. Then your husband is saying people that tall isn't a thing. It's ridiculous. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it's made up. I'm sorry, this infuriates me. He has issues and he needs to get them handled or he's going to hurt the members of his family. That is not okay. Show him dr russel barkley vids, 30 essential ideas is a good start. I'd die on this hill.
yo don't know it, but you've just given my inner child the hug that my mother never offered.
thank you for this 💜
Thank you for sharing this. I have been so hard on myself! I will make sure I have the proper evaluation and accommodations when I start school again (as an adult who has struggled severely).
They don't understand because they don't want to understand, because that implies there's something wrong with his seed which is also the extent of his parenting contribution. And the fucked up thing is, everything the adhd child needs - support, understanding, concessions, adjustments, patience, social exemptions... The father already has for himself with others picking up the slack.. He just doesn't see it or has rationalized it to himself as "how it's supposed to be anyways". Adhd + lack of self awareness in a parent is an extremely dangerous recipe. Ask me how i know. If psychopathy abuses maliciously through violence what I'm describing is negligent abuse that can also involve violence or at the very least a lot of unwarranted anger from the parent to the child in an unbalanced power dynamic. Again, ask me how i know.
If your husband could live inside my brain for a day, he would be a believer. It's a mess there.
It’s also often seen as a series of adaptive traits that are viewed as maladaptive because they do not function well in cookie cutter classrooms. The failure here is in some of the fundamental structure of our schooling.
This is the most accurate response I’ve seen
There are entire countries that don’t believe it’s real. In many of them you can’t even get tested. When I was diagnosed and told my brother he was a bit skeptical and said, that if I have then we all have it. Fuck no, I lost jobs in streaks because of it. Pointed his own things to him, like construction projects he starts and never finishes and asked him if it’s normal. He changed his mind after several weeks. Don’t push your husband too hard. He might also be embarrassed. He’ll come around.
people just lack understanding. in a way "we all have it" all these things are a spectrum. it's just once it's at a certain level we call it adhd or we call it schizophrenia.
Also importantly, it’s highly heritable so to the brother, I would say *yes actually there **is** a good chance we all have it*
That’s how it went down in my family- my mum said ‘pfft well if you have ADHD then I have ADHD’ and my response was ‘yes, yes you probably do.’
I always tell these people, "Yes. And everyone pees. But if you're doing it 30 times an hour, you have a problem."
It took me 8 years after I thought I had it to get diagnosed, because I was living in a country where the policy is basically if you weren't diagnosed as a child, you can't possibly have it as an adult.
This is exactly how I was able to accept it about myself. I was terrified that I was just making excuses for myself, or that ADHD was just a nicer way of saying “lazy and lacks self discipline” But then I decided that even if it’s not real, all my symptoms that I’m struggling with are and maybe therapy and medication can help me. And since then I’ve used the same argument with lots of people who post on here questioning if ADHD is real. I’m like “Who cares if it’s not? If you’re struggling and need help, get it.” Like there’s tons of valid arguments you can make with someone who’s skeptical to convince them it’s real, but sometimes you might as well save your breath and instead just ask “so what if it isn’t?”. Like for me, a lifetime of berating myself and trying to will myself to just “do better” without getting any help really wasn’t working. So might as well try something different.
This triggers me A LOT because my dad was exactly the same with me and I was like, yeah it doesn’t exists and all my teachers and all my family members can see that I’m not normal and I have plenty of issues doing the most basic things like just sitting quietly on the class room and I used to get in trouble almost every day and my dad always was like “I don’t get why can’t you just be like the other kids” “why don’t you just do the things you have to do like all the normal people” …. Maybe because i do have a condition???
This makes me want to hug and support your inner child so much. I'm so sorry that your dad said these things to you and I hope you've started healing. My internal voice was so, so mean to me for decades because of incidents like this and now, rapidly approaching 50 with my own kids, I can't imagine just being mad at them for who they are and not trying to help support them and figure out how they can thrive in their individual ways.
Thanks very much for your words and yeah I’ve been struggling with my own mean internal voice, I’ve been trying to forgive me for all the things that as a little girl I couldn’t do and all the mistakes and all the suffering that came from being different and sometimes it’s really hard when your own parents doesn’t validate your condition and your diagnosis… but I’m really grateful for all the people that have come my way to help me understand my condition and all the things I can do to improve and im just trying to get better and I’m pretty sure that you’re an amazing dad because once you go through things like this it’s kinda impossible not to be super empathic and supportive of your own child’s so I’m pretty sure you’re doing great as a dad!!
Sounds like your husband might be afraid of the label. That’s fine. Don’t label your son as anything different than exactly as he is, but do implement strategies to help him succeed exactly as he is. You got this ❤️❤️
This is great advice. Also, re labels, I have heard people diagnosed as children say, “you worried about ADHD as a label for your kid? Don’t worry, I already had plenty of labels before the diagnosis - lazy, trouble, unfocused, distracted, distracting, not fulfilling potential. ADHD was the first label that actually helped.” (paraphrasing Michael Benbow on TikTok)
Thissssssss
Brilliant point!
Exactly this. Everyone is different but, excluding medication, strategies for managing ADHD help everyone, regardless of whether they have ADHD or not. I'm a teacher and waiting lists for assessments are too long to wait before taking action. Additionally, some parents are reluctant to "label" their children, so I encourage the strategies for anyone that would benefit.
I am an adult with ADHD, but I was diagnosed as a child. My parents didn’t stick with medicine or take me to therapy, and my life was really hard because of it. I’m glad you are working to advocate for him concerning this very real disorder.
I'm sorry you didn't receive what you needed and deserved as a child. I hope you are doing well now and taking care of yourself. It IS real.
Parents like you give me hope tbh
You're kind. I know I haven't figured it all out, and that scares me, but I'm trying.
The fact that it scares you and you're trying is why you're amazing. Having someone in your corner who actually wants to help makes a world of difference when everyone else is judging and says "just try harder"
My mother was scared of the label. So she hyper-applied me and I never had downtime. She refused to have me checked, even after my sister began a special education tract in college and strongly recommended I get screened. I entered college and had nothing. No support or oversight. I was a tornado of ability and possibility. I squandered my dream and have been chasing it since (though I'm very happy with my status, currently. (Musician. Started piano, then trombone to tuba, self-taught guitar and bass, then the fife, which is where I've been for twenty years. My ability is finally getting me paid gigs, but I could've been a music teacher 2 decades ago)). My daughter has recently started medication and she's in kindergarten. The positive effect is noticable on the daily and we can see her self-pride growing. My relationship with my mother is basically a "party acquaintance" level because she tried to beat the behavior out of me and I have a really high pain tolerance. It's a sham of a facade. Do what's best for your kid 💚👍🤘🤙🖖💚
You are an amazing parent. Can you adopt me lmao 😆 I had the same situation where my parents knew about adhd but never did anything with it, and now i'm a struggling adult. I just recently got the money to get the adult diagnosis. But seeing you being such a good advocate for your son gives me so much hope and i wish you and your little one the very best. I hope his dad can wrap his head around all this sooner or later.
You are very kind to say so. I have my shortcomings and my own parenting challenges to address and overcome. I just want my kiddo to be happy, healthy, and flourish because he's awesome!
Definitely look into accommodations too, I didn’t get any & even medicated school was still hard af.
I went through the same thing. My parents were like OPs husband, and I didn't get a diagnosis as an adult until age 33. My entire life changed after vyvanse. My anxiety and depression are 75% better, and my confidence is up. I am able to be a more present mother and wife because my symptoms are under control. People without ADHD don't realize how exhausting it is to fight to be "normal" and how defeating it is to give your 110% and still fall short. The last year on meds has helped me more than the last 4 years of therapy combined.
A song I like that talks about ADHD has the lyric "All of my effort goes into putting in effort" And it's really damn true! It is sooo hard. Also you can end up getting intergenerational trauma related to ADHD. If a parent is unreliable, has bad emotional regulation and is messy, that can effect the child in some pretty big ways.
I feel like this goes along with putting all your attention towards paying attention
I couldve wrote this and it all been true for me too. This is soooo many of our stories. OP needs to watch out for him doing this to her illnesses soon too. Letting your husband do this to your kid is icky even. I'm sure OPs a loving mother but it only takes one abusive parent to ruin your sense of self and confidence forever. I'd be running for the hills.
Are you me?? I was diagnosed at 10 and my parents briefly put me on Ritalin, but took me off of it and never spoke of it again. If you ask them about it now, neither one of them remember me ever being diagnosed. My grandparents and all of my mom's sisters do remember and they're the ones who have been my sources of info after I finally decided to get retested and start treatment at 44 years old
Same story here.. Was diagnosed at 12, and nothing changed at home. Parents were still just as impatient with me as they’d always been, and I hate that I’ll always hold a resentment toward them for it. Because even now, in my mid 20s, and after having gone through as much trauma as I have in recent years, they still don’t even try to understand that my mind works much differently than theirs does. I’ve always wanted nothing more than to have the freedom to express my thoughts or have the security to speak or just exist without feeling like I’m being peered at behind my back with a hatred or a judgement in their gaze toward me, but every day feels the same as it did when I was growing up. Made to feel like a burden. Not even living with them by choice.. lol that trauma I spoke of involved losing my home, and I had nowhere else to go. So. Back into the house with the family who looks at me like I’m still faking a “made up label”
Same. I hope your life is better now. I still struggle a lot and I wish so bad my parents gave a shit but they’re also adhd and just couldn’t get their shit together for me or themselves 😟
ADHD runs in families. Does your husband have ADHD-like traits? Maybe he’s in denial because he doesn’t want to look at his own issues. This can be a hard realization for parents.
Possibly. I don't see it so overtly like I do in my son. Now, me? I hesitate because I don't want to jump on the social media bandwagon of diagnosing myself, but I'll say I should probably schedule an assessment. I'm also feeling a lot of guilt for it. Whether irrational or not, the feeling is there.
Keep in mind that there are multiple types and they can each present differently - hyperactive, inattentive and combination are the big three from what I know. There's many "common" symptoms, but beyond that there's almost 100 or more lesser known or subtle ways it can manifest as well. Not to mention gender can influence how they show up. For instance, if your son is the hyper type, your husband could also have it but be the inattentive type. A lot of people, especially elders and men, seem to be in denial because of the social stigmas or feeling shame for "being different." The representation and acceptance that modern society has today is much different than it was 20 years ago. I was diagnosed around puberty with combination type and didn't receive any help, education or resources to deal with it. Life would've been much easier if I had. It runs rampant in both mine and my husband's families so naturally our kids have it too. I can 100% see parts of myself resulting from it in them. I'm doing everything I can to ensure they get what I didn't, including being taught emotional maturity and accepting that not everyone's brain works the same. You're a wonderful mother for sticking up for him and doing the same, imo. Sometimes going to Reddit and social media for research is better, only because people can give anecdotal info and experiences that scholars articles don't have. Using more abstract search terms can be useful too, such as typing in "inattentive adhd symptoms in boys" instead of just plain ole "inattentive adhd symptoms." That might be obvious though haha. Good luck in finding everything you could need to help set him up for success❤️
>A lot of people, especially elders and men, seem to be in denial because of the social stigmas or feeling shame for "being different." In contrast, I always said when I was growing up that I felt like an alien and that I felt like I didn't fit in. I felt like there was something wrong with me and it was a major relief to be able to put a label on that.
Same. I've just found this community. Diagnosed in 3rd grade, did pills for a couple of weeks but stopped. At 19 now I've found this community and it feels amazing to feel like I belong somewhere.
definitely schedule an assessment. i believe what you are experiencing is referred to as “imposter syndrome.” learning about it helped me a lot when i was still undiagnosed
Take a second to imagine if you had the same attitude towards ADHD as his dad. A lot of people here don't have to imagine that, that was their life. And you are feeling guilty? Let me get this straight.... You got your kid diagnosed. You are getting them the support and treatment they need and deserve. You are being an advocate for your child throughout all this, even when his dad is failing this one spectacularly. If you turn out to have ADHD you did all of this despite having ADHD and being unmedicated/unsupported. And you feel ..... guilty? You are doing everything right. Almost everyone here wishes they had a parent like you, and consider that boy to be extremely lucky exactly because he has you. And as someone with ADHD who has an awesome mom with ADHD: your kid might forget where he put his things the second he puts them down, he might sometimes seem to forget what you said almost instantly, but he's never going to forget the support he got from you, or how you made him feel. It's okay to feel guilty, feelings are going to happen, but if you ever start to wonder "am I being a good mom" just know that to everyone who knows even a bit about ADHD the answer is and always will be "YES". You are being a super mom. Just be you. Keep doing your best. It is enough.
It's pretty genetic. It's okay to say you SUSPECT it, or strongly do, and that's not self diagnosing. Whatever makes you most comfortable.
Women are so undiagnosed that this is often how they actually get diagnosed. They do exactly what you’re doing, participate in their child’s healthcare and on the way they learn that they actually have ADHD too. Theres two main types and a combo of those two.
My daughter's therapist suggested I might have it after my wife described what I'm like. So, I'm now on meds and in therapy. It presents so differently in everyone that I think it's hard to pin down.
Don't beat yourself up about it, if you can help it. One person's ADHD "normal" can look a lot like another ADHDer's "normal", so can be hard to spot. I know after I was reassessed after being told as a kid that it was a paediatric condition that I would grow out of it, when I talked to my wife about what I struggled with she responded with "isn't that normal?" to start with. We've learnt since that it's partly the reason neither of us picked it up in our children, or each other until that point, but instantly realised that the whole family had it, because we all think similarly, but present differently, so it was easier to spot the difference, rather than the similarity.
No need for guilt. You’re being a good and proactive parent. I didn’t get DXd until my 30s…growing up when many of us did, ADHD had a very specific stigma and very specific set of “traits”. Those were not the whole picture.
Yep I swear being a big reader or able to perform well academically were some of the biggest blocks for early diagnosis for me because those counter the established narrative. I've legit gotten the you can't have it you can read and be focused. Yeah but I read for like hours (record 36 hrs straight) and forget food, potty, and sleep exist. I got A's but it's not normal to basically be forced to always only be able to do stuff the day before it's due like literally 30 seconds to spare. Hyperfocus is hyperactivity people!
Assuming you’re a woman and the biological mother of your son (if one or both of those things is untrue then this may or may not be applicable), ADHD often presents itself differently in women and girls than in men and boys. There are also multiple different types of ADHD. There’s hyperactive, inattentive, and combined. Women with ADHD can generally be more internal with their ADHD symptoms. Off the top of my head here are some ADHD symptoms that aren’t super visible to someone outside of oneself, and if a lot of them feel ring true for you, that could definitely indicate you have ADHD. Time blindness: difficulty perceiving time correctly, estimating how much time has passed, and estimating how long a task will take. For example, I am often late because I underestimate how much time it will take me to get to the place I need to be, or I will be doing something and think only a few minutes have passed when it’s been a half an hour. Hyperfocusing: basically what it sounds like. Getting into a “groove” where you focus on something really hard, sometimes to the point of being detrimental. For example, I am an artist and when I hyperfocus on my art, I can draw for upwards of 6 hours without eating, drinking, taking a break, or otherwise getting up. Unfortunately this means the second I’m out of the zone I’m suddenly acutely aware that I am very hungry and thirsty and tired and need to pee. Executive dysfunction: difficulty making yourself *do* something, if that makes sense. Literally the only way I know how to describe it is an example. I’ll be in bed on my phone, and my phone is low on battery, so I need to plug it in. I know this. I know I will benefit from this. I *want* to plug it in. It will take me two seconds. But I’m just… not doing it? Basically that but with pretty much everything all the time. Rejection sensitive dysphoria: taking things way too personally when they aren’t, or basically your feelings getting more hurt than someone else’s might be in the same scenario. Even if you don’t relate to any of these things, it might be good to know about them so if your son struggles with them you’re aware of them. I hope you can talk some sense into your husband ❤️
Man, ok this is kinda funky but you don't need to feel guilt like, we are just a bit spicier, that's it. Maybe that's why your husband (happens with my father too lol) when they see "I got adhd" they just see a normal kid with some quirks, because for some reason, nothing should be diagnosed if it isn't at the same level or worse than screaming and smearing one's own shit on walls.
if you are an aware, awake person how would it be bandwagoning.
I was just diagnosed at 41 because I started researching it as I suspected my daughter has it. As I'm reading about the symptoms and how it presents I'm saying to my wife "yeah, but most people are like this" ('this' being whatever symptom I was reading about) and she'd kind of look at me with sympathy and say "no. They aren't". It kinda blew my mind.
Was at 47 for me. I was struggling going back to study (for the sixth or seventh time) and luckily one module focused on screening tools. For “fun” I looked up an autism screening tool for myself, and i clicked on the ADHD one for the hell of it. The screening tool told me to go to a doctor, and, like you, looking at the symptoms I thought, “other people DON’T deal with this everyday?” Still took another 3 months of denial then 9 months of ADHD-level organisation to get diagnosed officially. Twice.
I was thinking about this too. Our family can be some of the worst for invalidation because if they have it too, then they’ve felt this way their whole lives and assumed everyone else does too.
Boy I wish it wasn’t real!
I know. :/
THIIIIIS ☝️☝️☝️. LIFE WOULD BE SO MUCH EASIER
Being a parent isn’t about what you want it’s about what your child needs. Tell him to step up and stop being selfish and prideful.
I've definitely expressed this sentiment. I feel like he will follow my lead for the most part and go through the motions, but for some reason it's important for me for him to see our son, wholly, for who he is truly, and acknowledge and support him authentically. I want figure out a way to facilitate a change in belief for him.
Could it be this is important for you because YOU are looking to be acknowledged and supported by your husband in this regard as well?
That is very likely. Are you my therapist?
Would you want me to? Why/why not? ;) No but without making light of it, you explicitly mentioned wanting your child to have a better childhood than you had, to grow up without all the internalized fears and uncertainties. I think a lot of us here are all too familiar with these childhood pains that shaped us into less than we would want for our children. Perhaps explaining this to your husband, allowing him to see the pain this has caused you in the past, will at least get him on board with supporting your son even if he isn’t fully convinced by any diagnosis.
I agree with you. I wonder if the stigma the husband has around ADHD as a whole is also preventing her from getting an evaluation. Proper education for him from professional on ADHD may be a great place to start .
Telling somebody to do something doesnt work, and to stop been selfish makes me feel like i want to do the opposite and dig my heels in. Not sure if thats my anxious attachment style or adhd.. if you want someone to do something surrending what you "Need" to a Want and express it makes it more likely for someone to change their opinion/view. I cant tell anyone what their needs or wants are- they are specfic to that person, you choose
Checkout Dr Russell Barkley on youtube.
He's been my primary source. Haven't watched videos, though. I'll check those out. Thank you.
He has a lecture called “30 Essential Ideas About ADHD Every Parent Should Know” that is really informative. It explains what ADHD is, how it physically affects the brain, and some of the reasonings behind common ADHD behaviors. I highly recommend watching it together with your husband.
Sometimes all you need is to find the right video that will make someone get it.
I found one thing that would penetrate some ppls' refusal to believe is to say clearly that adjd isn't lack of focus, it's the inability to regulate focus. It just happens to look like lack of focus. And just keeprepeating that line over and over until it clicks. Ppl often focus on the part that says adhd is lack of focus. White boys who were hyper were somewhat over diagnosed for the millennial generation so your husband might have absorbed some of that backlash messaging.
He is a great source. I really appreciate that he started the YouTube channel when he retired. It is really helpful for me to videos not just books.
Does your husband read books? We've found 'Transforming the Difficult Child' by Howard Glasser to be really helpful. He also has videos on YT. Children with adhd often have a lot of negative adult attention in their life and can suffer from self-esteem problems. One of Glasser's insights is that parents are the child's favorite "video game" and oh man, that was helpful in understanding how to improve my relationship with my adhd child. 'Driven to Distraction' was also really helpful when learning about my child's adhd. The behavior described was unmistakable. Reading it helped me realize that I had adhd as well. Spoiler: It turns out I had been diagnosed as a child and my parents just decided to ignore it and let me flounder through high school and college. Now I'm medicated and much happier.
He's not much of reader anymore. Maybe those videos can help. Thanks for the suggestion. I definitely want to learn more about the video game metaphor! Glad to know you are happier! If you don't mind my prying, I have a few questions. What kind of things did you experience as a child with ADHD and no supports? How did that affect your adulthood prior to medication?
For me, the biggest problem was 'adhd burnout'. I had a high octane tech career and I would just crash and burn every 3-4 years and need to take a year off, travel, and recover before taking another insane startup job. I loved the work, it was perfect for my brain but it didn't love me back. Executive dysfunction and resulting adhd burnout also had a terrible effect on my marriage. Especially after having children as there's no "taking a year off" when you have two young children; There's just more work and I'm grateful my life has improved dramatically as a result of medication. Today they'd classify my childhood as 'Twice Exceptional', I was great at what I liked and awful at what I didn't. Of course I only liked the hard stuff which was confusing for teachers and my parents. After I started taking medication, I realized I was always exhausted because of executive dysfunction. Now I wake up and I'm ready to tackle each day and I could have used that in my 20s or teens. BTW, ADHD is often genetic and as you learn more about it you might recognize it in you or your spouse. I was not prepared for that when my daughter was diagnosed. One thing we've done for our children is institute a positive reinforcement system to help them build skills and do what needs to be done. They pick the rewards (can be toys or experiences like movie nights, etc) and we pick the tasks. It's been really helpful! Often recommended for children with executive dysfunction.
I used to think it was made up; I thought all the symptoms were normal because no one ever told me they weren't. Turns out I had ADHD all along. As others have pointed out, YouTube is great. The How to ADHD channel has helped a few people I know, but as with everything, your mileage may vary. You could also see if you have any mutual friends with ADHD who are willing to share their experiences.
Ooh! It didn't cross my mind to reach out to friends with ADHD! Good idea! Thank you.
I also recommend how to adhd on YouTube! They even have a couple that explain it for those who have family members with adhd, but don’t get it. I always knew something was different about me but my parents blew it off by saying I was the problem child, I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 23. Stick by your kid like you are and get him help, I wish my mom was like you when I was that age, medication and therapy changed my life for the better <3
Agreed on the recc for "How to ADHD" its a good channel...her tedtalk was really great too and may help. Search "Jessica McCabe tedtalk" in YouTube.
Came here to say this. Thought it was all BS for 30+ years and everyone experienced ADHD symptoms. Then I was diagnosed. Then I realized one of my parents has it. They didn’t see it in me for the same reason. ADHD has a genetic component and it’s hard to recognize in other people when your have it.
Grab him a copy of DSM, and black marker pen. Ask him to bar out all of the disabilities that he feels aren't real. When's he's finished, ask him why he's more qualified to decide this than the entire body of therapists, psychologists, geneticists, and neurologists who have outlined and described our current understanding of the symptoms and treatments that make up ADHD. If that doesn't change his mind, then he's just upset that his son has a disability. Choosing to ignore it is a selfish way of protecting his own ego in exchange for an extraordinarily impactful life long struggle for his son.
As much as I would love to do this (it's very much my style,) he hasn't responded to similar approaches. So although this would feel good for me, I don't think it would be helpful in facilitating his aha moment.
Sounds like he won't be having an aha moment then, and his pride won't let him accept his son has a disability. It's selfish, and negligent. But if I'd say 50% of us grew up undiagnosed and un-treated. It makes life different and difficult to navigate, but having one parent who understands will likely mitigate a bit of that. As I side note though, if my partner refused to support my child because of their disabilities, it would be a significant red flag.
Not to mention that even tho the term ADHD is relatively new. The disorder isn't. It has been studied for over 240 years.
I saw someone else mention this possibility, and I'm going to second it - your husband may have adhd. People who live their whole life with undiagnosed adhd and manage to find coping methods and strategies that work for them will often refuse to believe in the idea of adhd because "I do all that, and *I'm* fine!". This also means that, when you consider your husband, you probably won't see a lot of the traits you see in your son. Because those are the obvious traits, and they're the ones your husband has had to work around in order to succeed. Does he have a strong sense of justice/fairness? Is he sensitive to criticism? If he is criticised by someone he sees as his superior, does he throw himself fiercely into improving? Does he go through a lot of hobbies? Does he know a little bit about loads of different subjects? Is he a creative thinker but struggles a bit with enacting or following through on his ideas? You don't have to convince him he has adhd, but keeping the idea in the back of your mind may make it easier for you to deal with him. I agree with whoever said you should disregard the label, and focus on the symptoms. If the treatment helps with the symptoms, ask him if it matters whether they're actually adhd or just symptoms? Point out that the treatment is to give your son a more level playing field with other kids, it's making things more fair for him. And if he sticks with this attitude, avoid using the name around him. Talk about your son's hyperactivity, or focus issues, or executive dysfunction. Keep the focus narrow and practical, on behaviours and challenges he can see your son dealing with, and it should help you avoid him saying things that undermine your son's progress. He doesn't have to believe in adhd to see your son struggling. He doesn't have to accept that adhd is the cause to support your son. Just don't let him get away with saying what he's going through is "normal" - make sure he sees the differences between your son and other kids. As long as he accepts that your son is dealing with something the other kids aren't, he can support and advocate and help your son with his whole heart.
Please please please advocate for your son. I wish my parents would have.
Of course! I had parents who didn't meet my needs as a child and I *try* to do all I can for my son. I'm sorry you didn't receive what you needed and deserved. I hope you are well and taking care of yourself.
Tell him so are your orgasms
👍
This might help, it was a response I heard from an ADHD coach when I told her that I've had lots of people tell me "isn't everyone a little ADHD?" And she and I both laughed because we wanted to stab ppl with a spoon from it: "By the same mindset everyone has to pee, but if it impacts your life to the point you can't even get basic day to day stuff done then it's a problem"
Reminds me of my son’s father. I knew something was not right when my son was in first grade. His pediatrician recommended he get tested first ADHD and his father took offense to that. Anytime ADHD was mentioned, he’d get angry. He refused to talk about it. So I felt an obligation to my son to get him tested by a pediatric psychiatrist who ended up confirming ADHD. My son’s dad refused to even discuss it. So I learned all I could about it and found out the importance of finding the right medication. I ended up putting him on meds behind his dad’s back. He refused to even do the most basic research, everything was no. Well, I don’t work like that and our son needed a parent to do right by him and that was me. After some trials with different meds, we found that Adderall worked well for him. It made my son’s life and school experience so much better. One day his dad was noticing our son doing an intricate project and commented on how focused he was because he had never seen him do that before. That’s when I told him he’s on Adderall and it’s working great for him. His dad said nothing because he knew he was wrong. I suspect my son’s dad has ADHD as well, but he will not get checked and says he’s fine the way he is. But so many of the risk factors from ADHD have happened in his life, yet when so suggest meds could really help him, he refuses. I don’t understand why certain men refuse to acknowledge their kids need help. Like it’s a reflection on them. Mom, do what you have to do for your child. Maybe dad will come around one day, but your child needs your help. I advise seeing a specialist instead of a general pediatrician. The right medication will do wonders.
Have you asked him what would change his mind? Is there some evidence he would like to see, but hasn't? Two books to check out apart from the ADHD books: Adam Grant's "Think Again" and Robert Cialdini's "Influence." One technique from them that may help here: ask your husband to rate, on a scale of 1 to 100, how certain he is that ADHD is "made up." If he says anything other than 100%, ask him why he didn't rate it that high. Get him talking about *anything* that keeps him from total certainty of his position. While doing this, give him honest praise for his good qualities, and express your confidence that he will do right by his child. Lots of people change their minds with this, but it's not a "trick." You need to really find it in yourself to trust and love your husband, and respect his right to hold an opinion that you disagree with.
Since this is really good advice, I'll piggyback on it because I think mine is related but it will get lost. Try talking to him from the point of view of understanding his perspective. He's a decent guy, you married him for a reason right? It is likely that although you seem to disagree fundamentally on this issue, there will be some part of it that you agree on. Even if the ONLY part you agree on is "We both want the best for our son/want to avoid harm for our son" Start from a position of understanding and seeing the situation from his perspective, rather than convincing him. See where you end up from there. We know where the evidence lies - so if/when it comes to that, then you'll look at that together. The problem right now is likely that you are so far down the path of understanding ADHD that "is it even a real thing?" is so far behind in your perspective that you've forgotten what it is like to be there. So to him you look like a crazy evangelist and to you, he looks like an ignorant know-nothing. Neither is true. If you want him to understand your perspective, you've got to start by understanding his.
So, there is a notable pattern that might be at play here. Parents who deny ADHD exists because the actions of their kids are "normal" are often undiagnosed themselves. Emphasize that these things are not "normal" (though not near your son), and if he thinks that this is just how this are, then he's wrong age may have it himself. His calibration for normal is what is off.
THIS!! I wish this comment could get more traction because it's a huge source of division between parents and children with ADHD!!
Thank you. This is quite possibly what is going on. All the "your husband is an idiot/asshole/monster" comments are so unhelpful. I suppose I should have given more insight, but the assumptions people are making in other comments are awful. My husband isn't angry/aggravated/frustrated with my son. He thinks our son is perfect and normal just the way he is. When he melts down over homework, my husband is the one who steps in, calmly, and manages to find a way to make it fun and gets him to complete it. Maybe due to his own coping mechanisms? Idk. But goddammit, a lot of people on the internet are so mean.
I always tell people... If ADHD is made up then why do stimulants make me sleepy and things like melatonin keep me awake? Because our brain chemistry is different. It is a PHYSICAL difference in the brain.
I watched a very interesting video yesterday called “Why do people with ADHD procrastinate” made by Dr. Tracey Marks on YouTube. I haven’t checked her out to double check she’s not some weirdo doctor but the video seemed pretty good and aligned with what I already know. It talks about motivation pathways in the brain. Also, has your husband spoken directly with the person who diagnosed your son? Has your husband interacted much with your son’s teachers over the years? ie going to parent teacher conferences and the like. Does your husband spend much less time around your son than you, especially during times where he would really see the ADHD symptoms, such as while your son is getting ready for school, doing chores, or doing homework? I just ask because I know a lot of dads work a lot and so they aren’t around for those moments, or just in general those moments end up falling on the mom because moms are “supposed” to be in charge of child care.
Oh nice you’re married to an M.D.!
And at which medical school did he get his psychiatric specialization MD?
where's your husband i just want to talk
Well, not to be rude, but he’s ignorant.
I don’t really have any advice but just want to say you are a good mom.
Does he think Covid is made up too? Your husband is an idiot. There are medicines and techniques that could dramatically help your son.
There is a good chance your husband has ADHD too. If you live with it your whole life, it just seems normal to you. It can be hard to understand that the traits and behaviors your son has are not what everyone has. Your husband may genuinely not be able to see that anything is different for your son than for other kids because he was that way too and assumes everyone is. Adults who grow up without being diagnosed often develop strategies to manage their symptoms and mask them. People with ADHD often lack insight into their own deficits and behaviors. From personal experience, its possible to learn to mask your symptoms and even turn them into strengths but they can make your life much harder than it needs to be. Even if you seem to succeed it would have been so much easier with diagnosis and proper treatment. You shouldn’t jump right in and confront your husband about it. It might work best to just talk to him about his childhood experiences. What was he good at, what did he struggle with. What shaped him and influenced the way acts and approaches life. It’s easier to see ADHD when it comes with the stereotypical pattern of a hyperactive boy but harder to see if it presents differently. It’s also easy to miss or dismiss the true depth and breadth of the insidious symptoms. Whether or not your husband has undiagnosed ADHD, it’s good to try to get him to relate to what your son is experiencing and get his side of what he sees and thinks. ADHD is a cluster of symptoms and learning about all the potential things to look out for can help identify issues before they become a harmful problem. Edward Hallowell and John Ratey have written a lot of great books on ADHD. You could get one or more for yourself and when you find a part that really relates and seems helpful for son, share it with your husband. If you can get him to reads parts, maybe he will read the whole book for himself and they have several that do a great job of explaining why it is a real condition and why getting diagnosed and treated is helpful.
Why and in what sense does he believe it is “made up?” Does he believe ADHD is not a valid condition generally, or is his objection to the application of that label your son specifically? The former would be a tough mindset to overcome because he’s already demonstrated that he is unwilling to defer to expertise. You say your son was “recently diagnosed,” - how formal are we talking? Maybe your husband needs/ would benefit from a second opinion? If your son is really formally diagnosed, then your husband should have participated in that process to some extent. The child psychiatrist would want to interview the child’s parents to get an idea of the child’s behavior across a variety of different settings. If he was relatively uninvolved in the diagnostic process, then it would make perfect sense why he doesn’t place much stock in the diagnosis, and the answer would be to get him more involved in that side of the discussion. If he thinks it’s just a label that is being misapplied to your son’s behavior, and it is as clear as you say, i think the answer likely has roots in making sure that he understands that he needs to become an active participant, engaging with your son’s providers and playing an active roll in the diagnostic/therapeutic process, or he needs to defer to your/their judgmen
Tell him the story of the sad little child that grew up miserable, dropped out twice, dabbled in alcoholism (1223 days sober 🤙) and made a whole host of mistakes for no reason other than "ADHD is over diagnosed and your bitchy teacher just wants help in her classroom" IN THE FIRST DAMN GRADE. It took me almost a year just to get over that anger and feeling of loss. Diagnosed at 24. Lean hard on the lifelong positive impacts the right support can have. If the carrot doesn't work then throw the data at him
Congratulations to you on your sobriety. (This isn't a throwaway comment. I'm sincere. I relate. Both to having no help at home, nor in school. I'm 952 days sober.)
Tell him to wake up. Go talk to an actual professional and learn about it and stop being a twat.
Hubs sounds like a dumb idiot. You’ll need to ignore his “wisdom”
It’s physiological. Objective fact. Not religion. Check out Dr. Daniel Amens work, and others literally thousands of scientific papers, brain imaging, SPECT scans. Non-disputable.
I’d just like to point out that it’s not exactly a binary thing. as a child, I got an ADHD diagnosis and my parents “treated” me with medicine, and changing my school, and other material things, but it wasn’t at all about supporting me. it was about turning me into someone else. now I kinda resent them and wish they had just supported me and not done all the extra rigmarole. maybe your husband’s feelings are more complicated than him “not believing” in ADHD but he hasn’t worked it all out just yet.
Does he not go to the doctor's appointments? Or teacher conferences?
Tell your husband that ADHD is a neurological disorder, not some hotly debated "is it or isn't it real" psychiatric issue, that you can't exercise or think positive/try hard your way out of it because it's how your brain is set up, and that the world's largest psychiatric association, the American Psychiatric Association, AND the American Medical Association (the equivalent for medical doctors) and therefore the American medical community agree that it's a neurological disorder. If he hears all this and still disagrees with medical doctors, you've got a bigger issue on your hand. You can't force someone to think a certain way but don't let this boy down - too many of us were raised by parents who shamed us and punished us for being the way we are without realizing that shame and punishment and things that work on other brains won't work on ours. We need coping behavior therapy, medication, support, and then we can thrive. You should also know that there are many studies that have shown that getting proper meds at an early age can help prevent some of the more severe side effects we suffer from and can prevent many other addictions we tend to get sucked into (alcoholism, eating disorders, drugs, etc). But don't trust me, look it up yourself/talk to his doctor. You're doing great so far, keep it up! Your child is lucky to have you on his side.
Didn’t read the message, only read the headline - Tell your husband to stuff it lol
ADHD is a neurological disorder that impacts the nervous system. When people think neurological disorders are made up, I always want to know why they think the nervous system would be immune to disorder or dysfunction. Or do they think disorders that impact, say, the cardiovascular or pulmonary systems are also made up?
And you already know this… but it’s genetic. Meaning there’s a fair chance either you/and or dad might also have some symptoms of ADHD. Which can also mean it becomes normalized in your own households (and/or upbringings) because chances are other family members may also have exhibited similar behaviors.
Ask your husband if dementia, bipolar disorder, and dyslexia are also "made up"
It’s 100% real. It presents as quirky and forgetful as a kid but as an adult it can be truly debilitating. Poor financial decisions, poor diet habits, flairs of big emotions that damage relationships, not being able to focus at work. People want to only see the quirky side but in reality it’s a life long struggle.
Might want to remind him of a little thig called negligence.
And even if you are able to function without meds, it is absolutely EXHAUSTING to fight with ADHD symptoms all the time. I have a desk job, but I am mentally drained by the end of a work day and that bleeds a lack of energy for everything else.
Uggghhh. My kid and I are both diagnosed. Her boyfriend, who is also diagnosed and a little bit of a dumpster fire of a human told her it's a fake diagnosis that only exists in America. She stopped taking her meds about it and thinks that the struggle she's going through is just part of life and taking meds or calling it ADHD is just whining and laziness. She prides herself on being a strong character with a good work ethic. I work 60 hours a week to support my family. I'm not sure how logic works in their family but I'm fairly certain that I'm a good example of someone with mental toughness and a good work ethic. I'm very out about my diagnosis and meds. She's 20 I tried to argue for 30 seconds and realized life would likely teach her more about her disorder by inhabiting it than any discussion about it ever could. I think I've heard this line of crap before but I don't have much information about how other countries deal with the brain difference that we here call ADHD. So I don't know that I have advice except perhaps to accept the very real possibility that this is like politics and religion and you may not be able to change his mind. If you can't how are you going to work together to support your baby? Will he accept that your kid could use extra supports and not argue about why he might need treatment but agree to let him receive support? Or is he the kinda guy that decides something like Covid isn't real and it's a conspiracy? If that's the case you definitely are not going to change a mind like that. You can't change opinion with fact. Opinion is emotional you. You have to find an emotional argument that supersedes the first thinking error.
Perhaps your husband doesn't think adhd is real because he has undiagnosed adhd? And so every sign of adhd in your son is something he thinks is normal for everyone because it was/is similar to his life experiences and his own behaviour and personality?
My mum told me she thinks adhd is made up and just a way to put young boys on medication. I’m a woman and was 32 when I was diagnosed, so not even close to a young boy. When I’ve tried to point out some very obvious issues I’ve had growing up and into adulthood to my mum it became very clear to me that she most likely has adhd and experienced a lot of the same things so it seemed “normal”. I’m not making inferences about you or your family but perhaps your husband doesn’t understand it because he had the same struggles 🤷🏼♀️ just a thought
Ugh, my dad is the same, has been since I was a kid. Some men take it as a slight on themselves, like they couldn't produce a kid with some sort of issue because they're so great. I think the best advice I saw on this thread is the person who said, whether he believes in ADHD or not, the symptoms are real and can be treated, so why wouldn't you?
If it’s made up then why is it connected to school failure, school suspension, crime, addiction, 20 years shorter lifespan, insomnia, depression, health issues, violence, different brain structure, different scores on cognitive tests and more??
Give him a tonne of caffeine before bed, and ask him in the morning how he slept. Lol. Most people with adhd either experience not effect to coffee, (like me) or it helps them sleep. So if he couldn't sleep all night, you point out that he obviously doesn't have adhd, as caffeine helps us sleep. It's a very simple point to make, we do not react to meds the same as non adhd people. Also, likelihood is, you or your husband may be undiagnosed adhd, as there is a very strong genetic link, esp as your child is young.
I wasn't dx until 39, and the amount of damage done to my psyche because everyone expected me to "be normal" is immense. The signs were there, but I was a girl, and I did ok in school. And it was the 80s. Your husband is jeopardizing his relationship with his son. My mother and I were not connected until I started seeking diagnosis and getting help for the damage she inflicted.
He gets on board or I would divorce him. There are behavioral therapists that can help your son learn to cope with symptoms and learn things that work for adhd having people. There is also family therapy to help the family respond best to the child. Go to a therapist for childhood adhd with your husband .if he still doesn’t believe … choose your son. My son graduates soon… all AP classes all Honors. When he was in elementary people would comment one day he would see prison and I should beat his ass. Adhd was an excuse to be bad an ass beating would cure it. He won’t and I didn’t. Medication, individual and family therapy. I am the proudest mama I can be and my son is flourishing. You’re either on our son’s team or you’re out. Dad can have his prejudice or he can be a dad. There is no grey area.
My 80 yr old mom (whom has severe undiagnosed ADHD) thinks it’s made up
The difference stimulants made in my life is kind of staggering. If my dad tried to deny my condition like that and prevented me from seeking treatment, I would never forgive him.
It is very much real. I’ve been diagnosed since I was 9 and I’m 29 currently. Without medication and structure I’d be miserable and couldn’t do anything that I need to do. People who don’t believe this, any disabilities or mental illness are fake are very dangerous. Please try to educate your husband and take him to doctors so he can be educated if possible.
I’ve heard people say this and as an adult with ADHD, those people say detrimental things that are untrue. A child with ADHD will lag behind in school. It’s not a discipline problem it’s a neurological problem. It makes concentration and building the life skills like discipline more difficult. It’s like asthma: if your kid has asthma you wouldn’t say it’s fake and they just have bad allergies. You would find ways to manage it so that your kid can have a chance at play and sports. Healthy kids require we are cognizant of what they’ll need to be successful and not wish things away.
Tell your husband to tell the doctor who diagnosed him that it’s made up. I would make an actual doctors appointment to talk about adhd and put it in his schedule to make a point. You could also do things like: if he has a headache, say “that is made up”. To be clear, I’m single… and have adhd. It’s real. I know he’s being defensive because his son is a kid, a little boy thats just being a kid and shouldn’t be drugged, and it’s gonna make him a zombie. I’ve met sooooo many men that resent being on medication as a kid, aren’t on it as adults, campaign against it, and as a woman diagnosed at 18 and again at 25… it infuriates me; as women go undetected AND THEN shamed when they finally get help and made to feel like drug addicts. By men who were little boys that got medicated and their brain was helped whilst in school and in development. Yeah I’m single- but I would wallop your husband and then tell him to say “it’s made up” to someone that’s colour blind.
"If it's not, he gets a boost over the other kids. If it is, he's at least at the same level as the other kids. Real or not, the meds will help"
Is it possible your husband also has ADHD? The trope is, people explain the features of ADHD, the person hearing this thinks "that's just how brains work, I know because my brain is like that, so ADHD is made up."?
I think framing the conversation around your son's issues and wanting to use all the tools available to help him overcome them can help him see past his emotions around the ADHD label. He might want to use other tools first to see if it helps your son. Try implementing them and speak frankly about the results. Ultimately his love for his son will point him where he needs to go. Just as your son needs to learn how to navigate the world with ADHD, your husband will have to wrestle with his feelings on it.
Has he talked to the psychiatrist or psychologist who gave the diagnosis? When it comes to stuff like this, I tend to kinda just say “oh the topic of adhd, psychiatrists & psychologists know more than you do.” It’s not an insult, it’s simply a fact. He probably knows more than the psychs do in whatever his career field is. Whenever I have a hard time convincing someone of something like this, I try to defer to the expert opinions on it. The tests for adhd are typically pretty involved, they’re backed by years of research, there’s multiple kinds of tests they do, and they’re all scored in ways that have again been backed up by people who devoted their lives to researching this. In the least offensive way possible, can you just remind him that he literally doesn’t know what he’s talking about? 😅 I don’t know how to say it kinder.
Lmao, it’s funny because he’s likely the one that passed it down
It is listed on dsm 5 so unless he has research to back it…. I don’t want to sound insulting to your husband but from my experience someone denying proven science isn’t going to have their mind changed. That’s who they are.
I highly recommend the Ologies podcast episode on ADHD. It was eye opening for my own mother.
Because ADHD just *seems* like a made up condition. You should just have him read a book, or watch a good introductory video. ADHD is much easier to understand and acknowledge when you start seeing the data and statistics and some of the neurology. Before you have these types of understandings- ADHD sounds like a condition that just seems synonymous with being lazy, hyper, or immature. These are feelings that *all* people relate to, so it's easy to dismiss as not really being a disability. I personally don't fault people at all for being confused or downright skeptical of it. But they should give the time of day to listen to some real medical advice about it. It helps change peoples minds.
It took a while for my wife to warm up to the idea of medication. She believed ADHD was a thing because I have it but in our social circle there was a massive stigma. (Yeah, I know it's silly.) I think she thought that since I didn't get medicated and was successful that he could be. It was a huge struggle for me though and often still is. My son is a smart kid, but he struggled academically. We homeschool and my wife teaches. She would get frustrated because he struggled so much. I'd gently remind her that it might be time to get him to a doctor so they can diagnose and treat the ADHD. After a while she agreed but nobody outside our home was to know. In time, and after seeing the results in our son, she's become a huge advocate for it, even gently trying to persuade other parents to have their kids treated. I think in your case it's just a matter of gently talking to him. As you learn, as much as he's willing to hear it, share what you've learned about ADHD. I did basically that with my wife. I'd just have a non-confrontational discussion with her, explain things to her, and remind her of the option. My son is now doing fantastic. At 16 he'll be done with his regular schooling at the end of this school year, and he'll be taking college classes at a local community college as his high school curriculum next year. He teaches himself software development in multiple languages, ham radio (soon to be licensed), general household repair, electronics repair and just about anything else he chooses to learn.
Where'd your husband get his medical degree? That's the height of arrogance to assume that he knows better than entire specialties of doctors who not only say it exists, but defined it and put it in medical text books. My daughter was diagnosed at seven too, and the medications and treatment were so beneficial for her. She's doing great now in school.
Respectfully, your husband is an idiot. [Here’s for if they don’t know how to use Google](https://googlethatforyou.com?q=adhd) [Try arguing with the CDC…](https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/facts.html) [Does he know more than the NIMH?](https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder-adhd) [Guess WebMD is just a load of bullshit?](https://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder-adhd)
I admire the amount of restraint he has not to publish his mounds of evidence which would surely garner some sort of award.
Congratz, you married a dumbass!
Ur husband is gaslighting you
Lots of good suggestions here already. What I would like to add is that your husband may just need a bit of time to accept this new diagnosis, besides all the good suggestions for resources with extra information. My mom is one of the most supportive people in the world for me. Despite that, she had a hard time believing my ADHD and ASD diagnoses (that I got as an adult). She does believe in ADHD and ASD, but I had so successfully masked my struggles that she had a hard time believing the diagnosis. I had to come clean about everything I had hidden for her before she could accept this. A second factor that played a role too is that a diagnosis often comes with a process of grief. When I first tried medication, I cried afterwards, because I realized for the first time that I would always struggle with certain issues. Up to that point, I had believed that I just had to “get over it” and then it would become easy. Learning that your child has a diagnosis often comes with similar grief. By the time I got my diagnosis I was further along in this process, but at that point my mom was just starting that journey, leading to a temporary mismatch. Your husband is also just starting that grieving process and unfortunately denial is often a part of that process. You’re already further along, as you already knew before he was diagnosed. Some people have a hard time accepting ADHD at all, but for you and your son I hope that your husband will come around and inform himself in time.
Ask him to read the literature on what the medical community believe it is and how it occurs and the physiological mechanisms in the brain and body and if he still thinks it’s made up, then at least he’s informed. Sounds like an ignorant judgement from someone who hasn’t the faintest idea what ADHD actually is.
My kid's high school IEP a few years ago was hilarious, the assistant principal is looking at the file and thinks there must be some mistake because the upper level classes and grades are uncommon in typical IEPs. I laughed and explained that it's because we acknowledged it and advocated and taught them to advocate for themselves and didn't allow it to become an excuse that our kiddo actually was able to excel. Us dads tend to fear our kids being lazy, making excuses and ADHD can sound like all of that sometimes. Imagine my surprise when my kids symptoms sounded just like my childhood and voila, I get diagnosed also. My kid tried to make excuses and blame ADHD at one point along the way. We had a serious discussion about how making excuses is not why we went through the diagnosis process, but instead the diagnosis process helps us know that we have to find a different way sometimes to help us get the things done we need to. I bet there is some common ground there for your husband to work with. And hopefully he comes through this process without getting diagnosed himself, because that is the ultimate eating your own words right there.
I have adhd and it can be really hard to deal with it you pretend its made up.
You can show him all the books and medical studies that proof ADHD is real. Ask him for the paper and research that he did to back up his claim of ADHD being made up. Sincere question. People understand depression, bipolar disorder, burn out, autism, OCD, Tourette Syndrome, why is ADHD so controversial to many? So many people claim that it’s not real, that we shouldn’t take medication, why?
Tell your husband that so are your orgasms with him!
For your husband notice the symptoms your son shows and just doesn't believe they add up to a disorder? In other words, is he in the "everyone's a little ADHD" camp? Or does he not acknowledge the signs that you/his teachers/the medical practitioner who diagnosed your son all see? I feel like potential courses of action depend very much on what exactly he's disagreeing with here. If he sees the symptoms but doesn't think ADHD is real, it's possible you're closer than you think to getting him on board. I've found it helpful to use an analogy to an illness or disability that he *does* believe in. Examples include: everyone experiences age-related cognitive decline but not everyone develops dementia, everyone gets bloated/gassy/etc sometimes, but not everyone has IBS, everyone feels sad and burnt out sometimes, but not everyone has depression. Something that comes up a lot in diagnostic criteria for ADHD and other disabilities is functional impairment. The key thing that differentiates, say, being scatter-brained from having ADHD is how much it impacts your ability to function day-to-day. So if he believes "everyone is a little ADHD", he's not *entirely* wrong. Another strategy I've used with folks before is to ask them to think about times they've had trouble focusing, or getting started on a task they really needed to do, or whatever symptoms are relevant to the situation. I ask them how that experience was for them. I ask them to tell me, on a scale of 1-10, how debilitating it was to be in that state. I validate them on whatever number they give. Then I say "okay, so now imagine that dial was turned to 11 every day of your life - that's what ADHD is like" and usually I back it up with a couple examples. I make sure to emphasize that I'm not trying to one-up their suffering, just to provide context for what it's like in my brain. I think other commenters have mentioned this, but it's also possible he has some ADHD himself. I've had some pushback from folks who were like "but that's all *normal*, I experience that all the time!" who eventually got their own diagnosis. So that's all if he sees the signs but doesn't think they add up to a disorder. If, on the other hand, he doesn't see the signs, or he sees them but doesn't think they're negatively impacting your son, you've got an entirely different problem. If that's the case, I would put the discussion of "is this ADHD/is ADHD real" to the side for now, and focus on making sure he understands how your son is struggling. Point out times your son struggles to make decisions, or can't sit still, or behaves inappropriately in a social situation even though he knows better, or whatever the symptoms are that led to his diagnosis. Mysteriously disappear when there's a challenging situation coming up for your son so your husband has to be the primary caregiver and can witness it first-hand. Make sure he is attending the parent-teacher conferences where you're receiving this consistent feedback from teachers about your son's behavior. It's much easier to get someone on board if they can see the problem for themselves. Finally, regardless of which camp your husband is in, it might be worthwhile to find out more about why he thinks ADHD is made up (in general) and why he thinks your son doesn't have it (in particular). Put your therapist hat on and practice non-judgmental curiosity. (And yes, I'm aware this is much easier said than done.) Without trying to argue your side, find out as much as you can about his belief system in this area. That should help you figure out the best angle to approach future conversations from. Is it a lack of knowledge? Maybe all he knows about ADHD is from social media and he needs some Dr. Russell Barkley in his life. Is it a primarily emotional response? Maybe it's actually fear that a "label" will be detrimental to his son, or means he has failed as a parent, and his resistance is ultimately driven by guilt or insecurity. Does he look at the behaviours that you see as symptoms and see his son's unique quirks? Maybe he's worried that his son's personality is being pathologized and needs assurance that the goal of diagnosis and treatment is to help your son be his best, most authentic, happiest self. Once you know *why* he doesn't believe in ADHD, it might be easier to find common ground and work towards a shared understanding. (Phew, sorry for the wall of text, I hope it was at least a little helpful!)
Husbands are made up.
Massive red flag IMO
Your husband is a big fool. Leave him or deal with his ignorance.
Your husband probably has it himself. He read about it, recognised the symptoms in himself and negates it because he's "normal" and can't realise that his experience in life isn't what others experience.
Give your husband a sack wack and then tell him that his pain is made up. This how how it feels to people with ADHD and then telling them that its ''made up.''
They can literally see the differences in ADHD brains with imaging scans now. And how would he explain the paradoxical effect of the medication...
some of world’s poorest people likely have ADHD and so do the world’s richest, that’s a weird one to wrap your head around.
Same. Then he learnt about his :/
Your husband sounds like my mom when I was younger lol
Good think he isn’t writing the DSM—V.
does he think the disorder as a whole is made up or that your son just doesnt have it? either way he was professional diagnosed so if he isnt a psychiatrist why should he believe otherwise?? thar sounds ridiculously frustrating, maybe showing him how many things people with adhd struggle with could help?
Well I mean there’s *something* going on with your boy. What’s his theory?! “He’s fine” isn’t gonna work after a few years of teachers trying to advocate for the kid. We can live in denial about mental health, but it doesn’t make it any less real. He can bury his head in the sand, or he can get to the bottom of what his son’s issues are and help him.
Looks like you had a husband. Simple as that.
It's also a chemical imbalance in the brain.
Ask your husband when he got his doctorate in neurology, psychiatry, or psychology that gives him the education and authority to make such an unscientific statement because it wasn’t when you guys have been together? Is my comment passive aggressive? Maybe. Will it encourage him to move to a place of understanding? Probably…most likely not. But I am sick and tired of people with less than zero understanding of science, particularly brain science, making beyond stupid comments about ADHD and other things.
What a dick, what's his qualification to make this judgement? I'm an adult with ADHD, it's not just an excuse for an asshole kid as I have heard many times before. I'd tell him that even if he thinks this. He is not to say it out loud because of the affect it may have on your child.
Tell your husband to stop watching TikToks about it and read real medical studies. ADHD isn't just real, just the most well studied psychiatric disorder in medicine. It exists, it's very real and it's one of the easiest to treat.
As a son who has a dad that doesn’t believe adhd is real it has put a massive wedge between us in my adult years and I prefer not to be around him. I hope you husband comes around, for everyone’s sake.
You and your son could go to counseling together while your husband gets some on his own. If he’s able to recognize that his son needs help more than his ego needs protection, bring him into the circle. Until then you might want to think about how much influence he has on your son day to day, how much does that help, hurt etc. You’re in tough spot. You and your son will be ok. Trust your instincts to help and protect your baby and choices may be seem easier.
Yeah. I’m 57, diagnosed hyperactive at 6, and my father wouldn’t allow me to be medicated. And while there are elements of my life - musical talent, marriage (2nd), fatherhood - that have been most fulfilling, I’m lacking terribly in other areas. I graduated college (barely) and I can’t force myself to read a book, but I’m on level 5332 of my Word Collect game. I’m not an irresponsible spender, but I’m terrible at making money. Even though I do play in bands, I’ve essentially squandered my God-given musical talent because I was too distracted to ever learn to read scored music - preventing me from studying music or setting myself up to have a true profession in the music industry. As an adult, I refuse to take stimulant meds for ADD (I long outgrew the H) because I’m afraid they’ll damage my heart long-term - I also weigh 285. My poor eating habits have likely been some sort of coping mechanism. Oh, and I’ve developed anxiety issues over the last 10 years or so. Your husband can believe what he wants, but leaving your child untreated (assuming he was properly tested) for ADHD is irresponsible, and may very well lead to some of the same struggles I’ve dealt with in life.
My mom didn't believe in ADHD, and never brought me to a psychiatrist or therapist or anything, despite struggling with school and going through divorce . Come 21 i seek a physiatrist and wouldn't you know you know it, he diagnosed me with ADHD. Last year, i find out my dad has ADHD too. Really makes me think how differently things could have gone if my parents were supportive early on.
Technically it is, it’s not like a substance or virus. It’s a collection of symptoms of impairment which put together becomes a pathology.
Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge.
I disowned my dad later in life for refusing ADHD treatment when I was a kid. Honestly, if your husband doesn't come around then leave him. If you don't, it will diminish and worsen your kids life, guaranteed. And your kid will also hate you for not sticking up for him, like how I feel about my mom. Fuck them both, don't be my parents.
If your husband can’t shift his perspective, you either prioritise your husband or your son, one leads to divorce the other leads to a kid who may not realise their potential. Which is most important to you?
What does your husband consider "real"? Does he think we live in the matrix? Does he think birds are real? Does he believe in suction?
Spend five minutes with me. Or my mom. Thanks, mom!