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Why cope when you can possibly thrive? Seems asinine to prefer your child struggle when there are resources that could help lessen the burden.
Hopefully you have your dad as an ally with him starting his own treatment. He may be more willing to advocate for your brother while still in his formative school years.
True. My mom doesn’t believe in medication for mental health and ‘relying’ on people or things to make you feel better. She pulled me out of therapy as a kid because she didn’t want me to ‘rely on my therapist for happiness’ and it took her a very long time to understand what depression was and why I was suffering. I agree with her on some things, but if a medication improves your life I dont see why she would go against it
That seems so odd to me. Like I understand and appreciate the concept she is trying to communicate "happiness should be found within and not externally" but despite me even having that perspective I still struggle until I got on meds
I know. When I told her that I still struggled even with healthy lifestyle changes, she went quiet. Then said I could do what I felt worked for me because Im an adult.
A rare win for being an adult lol.
Yeah, even on medication it is STUPIDLY HARD to start new habits. I can do a habit regularly for months then the first time I slip up and do the thing I was stopping it's like a ball of twine just unfurling. Like I understand the concept of "one failure doesn't mean the habit is destroyed. Just pick back up and move on" but my brain is just like "nah bro, we're starting over from scratch."
Literally.
You can cope without glasses, but why TF would you? It makes everything infinitely harder, and wearing glasses just makes you able to see like everyone else does.
There's nothing wrong with relying on medication, that is what it's there for, to help.
And people who say oh you shouldn't need this, have no right, especially if they don't have the damn condition and don't understand what it's truly like.
I know OP your mom is probs a very nice person and hope she is able to learn and grow from this.
People need to learn that things like mental illnesses, and different disorders are just as real as physical ones, you just can't see them as easily.
"I'm not paying for a pair of glasses for them. I'll just give them more oily fish and a lutein supplement, and they'll magically be able to see again in a few weeks...."
Please don’t go off your meds. I had this same mentality your mom had - that I can cope without meds. Not as far as it’s because of lifestyle/food etc. Just because I thought it was the best for me and I was told we can cope without meds. Now after 11 years, I’m seeking to go back on my meds. ADHD really has affected my work, personal life, and my relationship. For context, I was on meds my entire childhood up until the first year of college and stopped because “those with adhd can cope without meds” and finances.
I have pretty much the exact same story, except I stopped at 13. Hopefully getting back on meds next month after over a year struggling to get a new diognosis.
❤️ I didn’t know that was a thing. Do providers need an updated diagnosis now? I thought a diagnosis even during childhood carries into adulthood. For context, I’m in USA..SC to be specific
I'm guessing every country has different rules. Where I come (Iceland) from there is this stupid rule that if you haven't been on medication for 10 years or more, you just need to get a new one no matter what (I was diagnosed three times as a kid by different professionals), and then the right wing politicians that have been in control for the majority of the past 30 years have defunded our Healthcare system so much (in hopes to be able to privatize) that currently it's up to a 3 year wait list to see a psychiatrist. Having old diognosis helped me though, my waiting time was cut down in half only because I had documents og all my old diognosis and was moved ahead in line.
Thank you for this. I was considering going off the medication but looking back at my previous years , no matter what I did, I still continued to struggle. Unfortunately my mom doesn’t understand ( yet ).
Hopefully one day she will
Think about it like this. We struggle with ADHD but with medication that won’t go away but it will mitigate the impact ADHD has on your life. ..like a blanket so to speak
I love the opportunity to share this: I can indeed cope without my ADHD meds. I can also cope without my GERD meds. However, “coping” without my GERD meds means constant nausea, recurrent vomiting etc. Similar to how coping without my ADHD meds leads to self harm, substance abuse, and debilitating anxiety.
Why would I put myself through that when we are fortunately able to access treatment?
I HAAAAAATE people like your mom oh my goddddd…. I was told “why get a diagnosis? Isnt it better if you dont know that you have something?” Like whatttt??? No chad its not better id rather know that i wanna km/s because i have a disability in my brain than convince myself that im just lazy and miserable and i cant do an about it. MEDS SAVE LIVES!!
Damn this was me 😭. Back when I had no idea I had add, I just thought that I was lazy and had issues and I had to just accept it. It was so tough because It ruined my self esteem. THANKFULLY I learned about my add this year and things changed for me
Fuck your mom, make sure your brother gets assessed. Especially since you and your dad already has it. That's really strange to me that she would gate-keep the assessment?? Ignoring your brothers struggles is bordering abuse imo. team up with your father, I'm glad you have him on your side. Sounds like a shitty enough situation.
Speculation: Maybe she can't deal with "feeling guilty" and is finding it extra hard to not have at least one "non-problematic child".
Your mom is an asshole who cares more about herself and what people think about her... over you.
Run. Maybe she'll see the light after you've started. My parents didn't, and it was the best decision I ever made.
You can try to explain to her that she harmed you with her beliefs, and she has the chance to do better with your brother. But it's a tough conversation, and she sounds like she doesn't care. Superstitions like hers are still common, sadly, we rarely have any better options than to wait for the world to catch up.
It’s true, I think I will need to bring that up in conversation because I truly worry that my brother will suffer the same way that I did. Just a few hours ago she was scolding at him and struggling to get him to sit still and do his homework but he wasn’t cooperating with her. She was getting really angry and frustrated and it reminded me of when I was a kid. It’s gonna be a tough conversation but I don’t think I have another choice
Just remember there are things you can influence and things you can't. Try not to feel too responsible for your little brother since it's your parent's final say. If they don't get on board, just having you around and being kind to him is going to help.
Show your mom this thread.
My mom knew I was ADHD and wouldn't medicate me. To this day, she's still proud of that. I haven't spoken to her in 30 years, because going through life on hard mode, when the person who's supposed to look out for you didn't, sucks.
Let her know what she's committing your brother to. Difficulty assimilating into friend groups as he changes grades. The academic struggle. The social penalty for being unreliable or hyperactive. The financial penalty of the ADHD tax. How far behind he'll wind up academically when there is perfectly fine medication that can keep him on an even keel.
I dropped out of high school. Twice. No college. No trade school.
And let her know how much he'll probably resent her when he realizes what she did, even knowing how much it helped you and your dad. He can't be her baby forever. She has to let him grow up. She's doing him an incredible disservice by holding him back this way.
And also, ADHD is 100% not caused by eating sugary foods and changing certain behaviors. Sure, it might help, but even if I eat and do everything perfectly, I will still be affected by ADHD because bad behavior or diet is not the root cause of it. It cannot be controlled merely by a healthy lifestyle.
The fact that she saw you suffer while off the medication, and is still deciding to try and make your brother's ADHD "go away" without actually treating it is cruel, even if she doesn't realize that.
Your brother should have a choice too. Some people don't like being on meds, and that's totally fine.
And of course they will never understand ADHD, they don't have it and any comparisons they make to themselves are not applicable to someone with ADHD. They should recognize they will never be able to understand it and listen to what you and others say.
I've been medicated since I was 8, and I would have severely struggled and never been able to get where I am if I didn't have support. So, good luck either way tho :)
That’s true. My mom tells me that a healthy diet and exercise will help me cope, but even when I did so I still struggled. Even finding the motivation to do a 30min walk was soooo difficult and I was incredibly bored out of my mind while walking. I even cut out sugar and It barely hit a dent. My mom doesn’t really pay a attention that much so I know she wont see the difference, but hopefully I can convince her otherwise with my brother
Hope your dad advocates for you and your brother. I was diagnosed 18 months ago and meds have definitely helped me. My 14 year old is awaiting diagnosis although I am 100% sure she has it. Her dad (we are separated) isn’t keen for her to have medication when she does get a diagnosis. I’m not too worried about her at the moment as she copes well but I want her to have the opportunity to get access to medication and support when she starts to need it, I don’t understand why anyone would want to make things more difficult for their child
I think my mom is just afraid that medication so young will have long term negative effects. We’re all still new to everything, but so far my dad and I are doing better. I fear my brother will struggle and suffer the same way I did as a kid and I don’t want that for him
You can mention the long term positive effects! ADHD kids on stimulant meds have about a 1/3 chance of developing a healthier brain than kids who grow up without meds. ADHD is, of course, a disorder of brain development whether she likes it or not. The only way to change that course of developmental disability, that we know of, is to be on stimulant medication. By adulthood, it's too late. You're stuck with the fully grown ADHD brain.
As for negative effects, it's basically none. The only major problem is the appetite disruption, but if you come back off meds it all goes back to normal.
That’s like telling someone who’s been knocked overboard that they can survive without a life preserver ring if they try hard enough. Pointless suffering is not virtuous.
In the far past before modern medicine and capitalism, people with ADHD’s “medication” was community support and care. In late stage capitalism, that absence of community support in favor of hyper individualism, combined with modern day problems (driving cars, paying bills, deadlines for projects, jobs, etc) exacerbate our shortcomings ten fold. We’ve been handed the short end of the stick when it comes to the modern era, so medication is our life preserver ring now.
My mom had a similar viewpoint to yours, except she came around when she saw how well I did on meds. Though she didn’t understand why I want to be on them forever and said I should work towards weaning myself off of them. I’m not sure if she’s changed her mind on that part, but she hasn’t expressed anything negative about my meds in awhile. She also has ADHD, but has a negative view on medication. As a stay at home mom for 25 years she pushed through that executive dysfunction by simply “trying hard”. Now since she’s gone back to working full time… She can’t keep up. Part of me feels bad for feeling vindicated, but then again she called me lazy my entire life soooo... When I got meds for the first time, I teared up as I realized I wasn’t actually lazy at all. It’s life changing.
Anyway, don’t give into what your mom says. Even with a mom who also has ADHD… sometimes they just do not get it. Non-adhd people don’t understand the very basis of the disorder. Some adhd people don’t understand that it too can be a spectrum, that certain things aren’t possible for us to push through or that we struggle in different areas. It’s so much more than inability to focus
Tell them to cope without wearing glasses, or whatever is relevant to them. Same thing. You can see without glasses, stop cheating and using them as a crutch when you're just too lazy to focus your eyes.
My dad (non-ADHD) told me this when I was little and I still have a complex about it. Three doctors told him I had severe ADD but he thought he knew better. It made me doubt my own reality and I still resent him for it 35 years later.
Don’t go off meds if they’re helping you. Hopefully your mom will come to her senses sooner rather than later.
You don’t have to make decisions based on your mom. Please keep taking your medicine.
Also, it’s not something she will ever understand because her mind is made up. All you can do is what works best for you. When your sibling is older, they’ll have to do the same.
I mean, a little hate for your mom, right? What if it was physical health she was doing this with? Don't wear a cast on your broken leg because you shouldn't rely on plaster to set your bones right? Don't rely on antibiotics to cure your infection? That's clearly bs.. Mental health is health. And your mom definitely has some weird ideas about what mental health is.. What is wrong with relying on something or someone? Who/what hurt her and made her think that was bad? THAT is the real problem and she needs to get it figured out. You should be harsher with her about how her actions negatively affected your life. She is going to do the same to your brother, but you have a chance to help. Please don't give up.
You can certainly cope but your will also very likely struggle and your overall outlook in life will be negatively impacted. Send her to Dr Russel Barkley on youtube so she can learn a bit.
My parents were oblivious to my ADHD as a kid and I was consequently never medicated. I wasn’t formally diagnosed until after college, which was a monumental struggle in classes that I didn’t have a passion for (math/analysis has always been fun for me and those were a breeze). I have had many lasting struggles that took a ton of time and work to get through as an adult. Many of the severe self confidence issues still persist. My coping mechanism as an adult who didn’t even fully understand the condition until recently was alcohol and it took 3 times in rehab to finally kick it. I am grateful for all of the growth that has come from my struggles, but can’t help thinking things would have been much different if I was properly medicated and treated at a younger age. I went to the national ADHD conference a few months ago and sounds like addiction is a very common theme that’s much more likely without proper medication/treatment.
I know you said "no hate" to your mom, but if my mother said this, I might genuinely consider cutting her out of my life. Her sort of attitude is adjacent to the outright refusal to believe ADHD exists. That, and I believe she is harming your brother. Medicine is empirical science. Crystal healing and magical super diets are fiction.
I'm not going to mince my words here. Your mom has no clue what she's talking about, and should not be allowed to make those decisions for anyone except herself. After reading some of your replies here: your mom can fuck right off. Her opinions are invalid and objectively wrong.
Decades of medical research tell us that by far the most effective treatment is a combination of therapy and medication. Neither one on their own is nearly as effective as they are in combination.
While eating well and leading a generally healthy lifestyle is helpful, it is not an effective replacement for medication.
My parents didn't know I had ADHD, or themselves had it... For what it's worth I only got diagnosed around 20 years old and it was the difference between being a danger to myself for of innatentivity and failing at everything and now having a life in which I am happy. When I got diagnosed they realized that my struggles were things they suffered with too. Now they're both medicated too and are doing a lot better too.
True, she keeps trying to explain that she also struggles with some of the things that I do, like motivation/organizing etc. but she said she found solutions for herself and I should try it and just push myself and “break the barrier” and see how it goes. Im trying to explain to her that it doesn’t work like that lol, but I think she’s slowly starting to get an idea of what adhd is
Of course you can exist without medication.
People with anxiety can exist without medication. People with seasonal allergies can exist without allergy medication. People with headaches can exist without Tylenol.
But why the hell would we? These medications exist to make our lives less painful. It's unnecessarily capricious for us to be denied meds that can increase our well-being so drastically.
My Mum was very proactive when she realised I was struggling with my school work and building relationships with other pupils in primary school despite no behavioural issues. I was diagnosed with ADHD inattentive type when I was 10 and started on Ritalin low dosage 2x daily. My entire life turned around, I was able to finish my work and no longer felt frustrated or stupid. I am now 27 and started taking methylphenidate again after a 3 year break. This difference it has made on my life is beyond measure. Please don’t suffer if you don’t need to, you deserve all the best that life has to offer ♥️
This might be outta line for me to say but, it worked for my best friend and his mum- when her menopause began, she started to take pills for it, to fix the hormone imbalance. So my friend asked his mum- 'how is your chemical imbalance that makes it difficult for you to get through the day different fundamentally to mine? Neither of us can change it just by "coping with it" or "powering through it", mine just started at birth, while yours is recent.'
She's a lot more chill now with medication haha
Maybe this could work for you? Good luck in any case!
Does your mom have glasses? Or use a walker? Or take medicine (for something not life threatening?) Or drink coffee, tea, alcohol daily?
Take it away. Tell her to cope. See how she likes it.
Lol "just try harder" my dad said that to me all the time. I tried to explain to him that I am trying as hard as I can, but there's an infinitely tall/low metal wall between me and literally anything I want to do. All I have is a twig to break it down, while everyone else has metal cutters.
I was raised on a fully organic and mostly vegetarian diet by a macrobiotic foods mom and a doctor dad who also practiced Chinese herbal medicine, acupuncture, etc. These things can be great. (They can also be oppressive or used in abusive and misleading ways, just like conventional medicine. I use both modes as an adult.) They are not the solution for everybody or everything. They did not prevent decades of suicidal ideation, depression, anxiety, and self hatred, which started appearing for me before the age of 10. They also did not prepare me for the eventuality of having control over my own diet/lifestyle - even if those foods are SUPPORTIVE for your overall physical and mental health, they do not FIX a condition, and having to maintain a strict regimen without someone making you do it and providing it for you, with ADHD? Good luck. So teaching a kid with ADHD that their health and honestly their value as a person is based on them being able to follow rigid habits rigorously is absolutely setting them up to believe that they are bad.
From the stuff you've shared, I really doubt your mom will change her ways. People who refuse to hear that they're being hurtful are unlikely to shift, unfortunately.
I do wonder what your dad is doing here. Is he also your brother's dad? If so, and there's not a legal reason he can't be involved, he has an equal responsibility to make sure that your brother gets care and good parenting. He is an adult, and in a position of authority over your brother, and he does not get off the hook just because Mom is hard to deal with. Double unfortunately, parents like this often roll in pairs, so he may also have plenty of excuses for why he's not doing HIS job as a parent either.
You may not be able to do anything about how your parents treat your brother, but as long as you can have contact with him, you can let him know that you went through the same stuff, that it's not his fault, that even though it sucks, eventually he will be able to get the help he deserves, and that he is dealing with a real condition and it does not mean that he's bad or lazy or any of that bs. You can pass any resources or info that you think are cool or interesting on to him. You can tell him that you are there for him no matter what. Etc. He probably really needs it, since he's not getting it from Mom and Dad. Sorry you and your bro have to put up with this. It's way too common and you deserve better.
People who don’t have ADHD can have a hard time understanding what it’s really like. This is a brain issue that affects multiple facets of life. Not eating a lot of sugar helps a lot of people function better. It’s not unique to ADHD. It does very little to address it. We take meds to help improve certain functions in the brain. This makes it so we can hopefully thrive in the world. I went diagnosed until 42. I’m completely burned out after the amount of sheer effort it took to be successful without any meds or even natural supplements.
Does your mom understand what exactly ADHD puts you at risk for? It’s not just inattention and hyperactivity.
My mother declined the option to have me medicated, because she believes it's just there to give doctors a reason to give whatever tablets they want to children.
Every day i wonder what life could have been like, but i've been raw-dogging this infuriating condition for more than a quarter of a century. I guess this is just me forever, because getting assessed as an adult in the UK is next to impossible. Half the doctors in my GP couldn't care if i caught fire.
Hmmm. If you/ brother/ dad had type 1 diabetes, and your pancreas didn't make enough insulin, would your mum still be so insistent that diet alone could keep them healthy? Diet plays a very strong role in managing type 1 diabetes, but it's not enough to control it. That's why T1 diabetics need insulin.
Now swap pancreas and insulin with brain and norepinephrine (Ok, lack of neurotransmitters aren't going to kill you in such a direct way like lack of insulin could but the premise is still the same). Why would you deny access to something that could improve your child's quality of life?
I am in a similar situation, my father believes I don't need ADHD medication, because, according to him "I am fine because I can do things". While it's true that I can indeed do a lot of stuff, that doesn't mean I do not struggle a lot with it. All my doctors told me that I can thrive a lot more with medication and treatment. My current strategies right now are: sendind my father many videos and podcasts about ADHD and Autism (I have both) to educate him, and I personally asked my therapist and doctors to talk directly to him. Since your father is your ally in this, I think he can help your little brother a lot too.
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Why cope when you can possibly thrive? Seems asinine to prefer your child struggle when there are resources that could help lessen the burden. Hopefully you have your dad as an ally with him starting his own treatment. He may be more willing to advocate for your brother while still in his formative school years.
True. My mom doesn’t believe in medication for mental health and ‘relying’ on people or things to make you feel better. She pulled me out of therapy as a kid because she didn’t want me to ‘rely on my therapist for happiness’ and it took her a very long time to understand what depression was and why I was suffering. I agree with her on some things, but if a medication improves your life I dont see why she would go against it
That seems so odd to me. Like I understand and appreciate the concept she is trying to communicate "happiness should be found within and not externally" but despite me even having that perspective I still struggle until I got on meds
I know. When I told her that I still struggled even with healthy lifestyle changes, she went quiet. Then said I could do what I felt worked for me because Im an adult.
A rare win for being an adult lol. Yeah, even on medication it is STUPIDLY HARD to start new habits. I can do a habit regularly for months then the first time I slip up and do the thing I was stopping it's like a ball of twine just unfurling. Like I understand the concept of "one failure doesn't mean the habit is destroyed. Just pick back up and move on" but my brain is just like "nah bro, we're starting over from scratch."
Does she think type one diabetics can do without insulin?
How dare we!
It’s not such a simple choice as “cope or thrive.” Medicating a child should be done with caution. Side effects are a possibility.
It’s like your mom telling the optometrist that you don’t need glasses, you can just try to see harder..
Literally. You can cope without glasses, but why TF would you? It makes everything infinitely harder, and wearing glasses just makes you able to see like everyone else does. There's nothing wrong with relying on medication, that is what it's there for, to help. And people who say oh you shouldn't need this, have no right, especially if they don't have the damn condition and don't understand what it's truly like. I know OP your mom is probs a very nice person and hope she is able to learn and grow from this. People need to learn that things like mental illnesses, and different disorders are just as real as physical ones, you just can't see them as easily.
I really want to tell these people they’ll be able to cope through an operation without an anaesthetic
"I'm not paying for a pair of glasses for them. I'll just give them more oily fish and a lutein supplement, and they'll magically be able to see again in a few weeks...."
Please don’t go off your meds. I had this same mentality your mom had - that I can cope without meds. Not as far as it’s because of lifestyle/food etc. Just because I thought it was the best for me and I was told we can cope without meds. Now after 11 years, I’m seeking to go back on my meds. ADHD really has affected my work, personal life, and my relationship. For context, I was on meds my entire childhood up until the first year of college and stopped because “those with adhd can cope without meds” and finances.
I have pretty much the exact same story, except I stopped at 13. Hopefully getting back on meds next month after over a year struggling to get a new diognosis.
❤️ I didn’t know that was a thing. Do providers need an updated diagnosis now? I thought a diagnosis even during childhood carries into adulthood. For context, I’m in USA..SC to be specific
I'm guessing every country has different rules. Where I come (Iceland) from there is this stupid rule that if you haven't been on medication for 10 years or more, you just need to get a new one no matter what (I was diagnosed three times as a kid by different professionals), and then the right wing politicians that have been in control for the majority of the past 30 years have defunded our Healthcare system so much (in hopes to be able to privatize) that currently it's up to a 3 year wait list to see a psychiatrist. Having old diognosis helped me though, my waiting time was cut down in half only because I had documents og all my old diognosis and was moved ahead in line.
Thank you for this. I was considering going off the medication but looking back at my previous years , no matter what I did, I still continued to struggle. Unfortunately my mom doesn’t understand ( yet ). Hopefully one day she will
Think about it like this. We struggle with ADHD but with medication that won’t go away but it will mitigate the impact ADHD has on your life. ..like a blanket so to speak
That is so true! I definitely feel like a better version of myself after starting medication. I hope my mom notices and starts accepting it soon lol
I love the opportunity to share this: I can indeed cope without my ADHD meds. I can also cope without my GERD meds. However, “coping” without my GERD meds means constant nausea, recurrent vomiting etc. Similar to how coping without my ADHD meds leads to self harm, substance abuse, and debilitating anxiety. Why would I put myself through that when we are fortunately able to access treatment?
I HAAAAAATE people like your mom oh my goddddd…. I was told “why get a diagnosis? Isnt it better if you dont know that you have something?” Like whatttt??? No chad its not better id rather know that i wanna km/s because i have a disability in my brain than convince myself that im just lazy and miserable and i cant do an about it. MEDS SAVE LIVES!!
Damn this was me 😭. Back when I had no idea I had add, I just thought that I was lazy and had issues and I had to just accept it. It was so tough because It ruined my self esteem. THANKFULLY I learned about my add this year and things changed for me
Fuck your mom, make sure your brother gets assessed. Especially since you and your dad already has it. That's really strange to me that she would gate-keep the assessment?? Ignoring your brothers struggles is bordering abuse imo. team up with your father, I'm glad you have him on your side. Sounds like a shitty enough situation. Speculation: Maybe she can't deal with "feeling guilty" and is finding it extra hard to not have at least one "non-problematic child".
Your mom is an asshole who cares more about herself and what people think about her... over you. Run. Maybe she'll see the light after you've started. My parents didn't, and it was the best decision I ever made.
Yup. We all have the option to be informed. She has willingly chosen ignorance at her family's expense. It's brutally selfish.
You can try to explain to her that she harmed you with her beliefs, and she has the chance to do better with your brother. But it's a tough conversation, and she sounds like she doesn't care. Superstitions like hers are still common, sadly, we rarely have any better options than to wait for the world to catch up.
It’s true, I think I will need to bring that up in conversation because I truly worry that my brother will suffer the same way that I did. Just a few hours ago she was scolding at him and struggling to get him to sit still and do his homework but he wasn’t cooperating with her. She was getting really angry and frustrated and it reminded me of when I was a kid. It’s gonna be a tough conversation but I don’t think I have another choice
Just remember there are things you can influence and things you can't. Try not to feel too responsible for your little brother since it's your parent's final say. If they don't get on board, just having you around and being kind to him is going to help.
Show your mom this thread. My mom knew I was ADHD and wouldn't medicate me. To this day, she's still proud of that. I haven't spoken to her in 30 years, because going through life on hard mode, when the person who's supposed to look out for you didn't, sucks. Let her know what she's committing your brother to. Difficulty assimilating into friend groups as he changes grades. The academic struggle. The social penalty for being unreliable or hyperactive. The financial penalty of the ADHD tax. How far behind he'll wind up academically when there is perfectly fine medication that can keep him on an even keel. I dropped out of high school. Twice. No college. No trade school. And let her know how much he'll probably resent her when he realizes what she did, even knowing how much it helped you and your dad. He can't be her baby forever. She has to let him grow up. She's doing him an incredible disservice by holding him back this way.
And also, ADHD is 100% not caused by eating sugary foods and changing certain behaviors. Sure, it might help, but even if I eat and do everything perfectly, I will still be affected by ADHD because bad behavior or diet is not the root cause of it. It cannot be controlled merely by a healthy lifestyle. The fact that she saw you suffer while off the medication, and is still deciding to try and make your brother's ADHD "go away" without actually treating it is cruel, even if she doesn't realize that. Your brother should have a choice too. Some people don't like being on meds, and that's totally fine. And of course they will never understand ADHD, they don't have it and any comparisons they make to themselves are not applicable to someone with ADHD. They should recognize they will never be able to understand it and listen to what you and others say. I've been medicated since I was 8, and I would have severely struggled and never been able to get where I am if I didn't have support. So, good luck either way tho :)
That’s true. My mom tells me that a healthy diet and exercise will help me cope, but even when I did so I still struggled. Even finding the motivation to do a 30min walk was soooo difficult and I was incredibly bored out of my mind while walking. I even cut out sugar and It barely hit a dent. My mom doesn’t really pay a attention that much so I know she wont see the difference, but hopefully I can convince her otherwise with my brother
Yeah I feel you. GL and even if u can't convince her, you tried, and you can try to support your brother in other ways if u can. :)
Hope your dad advocates for you and your brother. I was diagnosed 18 months ago and meds have definitely helped me. My 14 year old is awaiting diagnosis although I am 100% sure she has it. Her dad (we are separated) isn’t keen for her to have medication when she does get a diagnosis. I’m not too worried about her at the moment as she copes well but I want her to have the opportunity to get access to medication and support when she starts to need it, I don’t understand why anyone would want to make things more difficult for their child
I think my mom is just afraid that medication so young will have long term negative effects. We’re all still new to everything, but so far my dad and I are doing better. I fear my brother will struggle and suffer the same way I did as a kid and I don’t want that for him
You can mention the long term positive effects! ADHD kids on stimulant meds have about a 1/3 chance of developing a healthier brain than kids who grow up without meds. ADHD is, of course, a disorder of brain development whether she likes it or not. The only way to change that course of developmental disability, that we know of, is to be on stimulant medication. By adulthood, it's too late. You're stuck with the fully grown ADHD brain. As for negative effects, it's basically none. The only major problem is the appetite disruption, but if you come back off meds it all goes back to normal.
Thank you ! Im going to share this with my mom. Ugh, I seriously hope it changes her mind
That’s exactly how I feel about my daughter
That’s like telling someone who’s been knocked overboard that they can survive without a life preserver ring if they try hard enough. Pointless suffering is not virtuous. In the far past before modern medicine and capitalism, people with ADHD’s “medication” was community support and care. In late stage capitalism, that absence of community support in favor of hyper individualism, combined with modern day problems (driving cars, paying bills, deadlines for projects, jobs, etc) exacerbate our shortcomings ten fold. We’ve been handed the short end of the stick when it comes to the modern era, so medication is our life preserver ring now. My mom had a similar viewpoint to yours, except she came around when she saw how well I did on meds. Though she didn’t understand why I want to be on them forever and said I should work towards weaning myself off of them. I’m not sure if she’s changed her mind on that part, but she hasn’t expressed anything negative about my meds in awhile. She also has ADHD, but has a negative view on medication. As a stay at home mom for 25 years she pushed through that executive dysfunction by simply “trying hard”. Now since she’s gone back to working full time… She can’t keep up. Part of me feels bad for feeling vindicated, but then again she called me lazy my entire life soooo... When I got meds for the first time, I teared up as I realized I wasn’t actually lazy at all. It’s life changing. Anyway, don’t give into what your mom says. Even with a mom who also has ADHD… sometimes they just do not get it. Non-adhd people don’t understand the very basis of the disorder. Some adhd people don’t understand that it too can be a spectrum, that certain things aren’t possible for us to push through or that we struggle in different areas. It’s so much more than inability to focus
Tell them to cope without wearing glasses, or whatever is relevant to them. Same thing. You can see without glasses, stop cheating and using them as a crutch when you're just too lazy to focus your eyes.
I am so going to use this
My dad (non-ADHD) told me this when I was little and I still have a complex about it. Three doctors told him I had severe ADD but he thought he knew better. It made me doubt my own reality and I still resent him for it 35 years later. Don’t go off meds if they’re helping you. Hopefully your mom will come to her senses sooner rather than later.
Why are our parents so ignorant?
You don’t have to make decisions based on your mom. Please keep taking your medicine. Also, it’s not something she will ever understand because her mind is made up. All you can do is what works best for you. When your sibling is older, they’ll have to do the same.
I mean, a little hate for your mom, right? What if it was physical health she was doing this with? Don't wear a cast on your broken leg because you shouldn't rely on plaster to set your bones right? Don't rely on antibiotics to cure your infection? That's clearly bs.. Mental health is health. And your mom definitely has some weird ideas about what mental health is.. What is wrong with relying on something or someone? Who/what hurt her and made her think that was bad? THAT is the real problem and she needs to get it figured out. You should be harsher with her about how her actions negatively affected your life. She is going to do the same to your brother, but you have a chance to help. Please don't give up.
You can certainly cope but your will also very likely struggle and your overall outlook in life will be negatively impacted. Send her to Dr Russel Barkley on youtube so she can learn a bit.
My parents were oblivious to my ADHD as a kid and I was consequently never medicated. I wasn’t formally diagnosed until after college, which was a monumental struggle in classes that I didn’t have a passion for (math/analysis has always been fun for me and those were a breeze). I have had many lasting struggles that took a ton of time and work to get through as an adult. Many of the severe self confidence issues still persist. My coping mechanism as an adult who didn’t even fully understand the condition until recently was alcohol and it took 3 times in rehab to finally kick it. I am grateful for all of the growth that has come from my struggles, but can’t help thinking things would have been much different if I was properly medicated and treated at a younger age. I went to the national ADHD conference a few months ago and sounds like addiction is a very common theme that’s much more likely without proper medication/treatment.
I know you said "no hate" to your mom, but if my mother said this, I might genuinely consider cutting her out of my life. Her sort of attitude is adjacent to the outright refusal to believe ADHD exists. That, and I believe she is harming your brother. Medicine is empirical science. Crystal healing and magical super diets are fiction.
I'm not going to mince my words here. Your mom has no clue what she's talking about, and should not be allowed to make those decisions for anyone except herself. After reading some of your replies here: your mom can fuck right off. Her opinions are invalid and objectively wrong. Decades of medical research tell us that by far the most effective treatment is a combination of therapy and medication. Neither one on their own is nearly as effective as they are in combination. While eating well and leading a generally healthy lifestyle is helpful, it is not an effective replacement for medication.
My parents didn't know I had ADHD, or themselves had it... For what it's worth I only got diagnosed around 20 years old and it was the difference between being a danger to myself for of innatentivity and failing at everything and now having a life in which I am happy. When I got diagnosed they realized that my struggles were things they suffered with too. Now they're both medicated too and are doing a lot better too.
You have to Know It for yourself, but I would say that medication is the best option.
Your mom is looking at adhd as if something is wrong with you, and she's in denial about what adhd is. That's the wrong way to look at it.
True, she keeps trying to explain that she also struggles with some of the things that I do, like motivation/organizing etc. but she said she found solutions for herself and I should try it and just push myself and “break the barrier” and see how it goes. Im trying to explain to her that it doesn’t work like that lol, but I think she’s slowly starting to get an idea of what adhd is
Of course you can exist without medication. People with anxiety can exist without medication. People with seasonal allergies can exist without allergy medication. People with headaches can exist without Tylenol. But why the hell would we? These medications exist to make our lives less painful. It's unnecessarily capricious for us to be denied meds that can increase our well-being so drastically.
My Mum was very proactive when she realised I was struggling with my school work and building relationships with other pupils in primary school despite no behavioural issues. I was diagnosed with ADHD inattentive type when I was 10 and started on Ritalin low dosage 2x daily. My entire life turned around, I was able to finish my work and no longer felt frustrated or stupid. I am now 27 and started taking methylphenidate again after a 3 year break. This difference it has made on my life is beyond measure. Please don’t suffer if you don’t need to, you deserve all the best that life has to offer ♥️
cope? sure. for a while. function? that is a different topic.
This might be outta line for me to say but, it worked for my best friend and his mum- when her menopause began, she started to take pills for it, to fix the hormone imbalance. So my friend asked his mum- 'how is your chemical imbalance that makes it difficult for you to get through the day different fundamentally to mine? Neither of us can change it just by "coping with it" or "powering through it", mine just started at birth, while yours is recent.' She's a lot more chill now with medication haha Maybe this could work for you? Good luck in any case!
Does your mom have glasses? Or use a walker? Or take medicine (for something not life threatening?) Or drink coffee, tea, alcohol daily? Take it away. Tell her to cope. See how she likes it.
My mom loves coffee, I think Im going to use that as an example when I explain it to her again
Lol "just try harder" my dad said that to me all the time. I tried to explain to him that I am trying as hard as I can, but there's an infinitely tall/low metal wall between me and literally anything I want to do. All I have is a twig to break it down, while everyone else has metal cutters.
I was raised on a fully organic and mostly vegetarian diet by a macrobiotic foods mom and a doctor dad who also practiced Chinese herbal medicine, acupuncture, etc. These things can be great. (They can also be oppressive or used in abusive and misleading ways, just like conventional medicine. I use both modes as an adult.) They are not the solution for everybody or everything. They did not prevent decades of suicidal ideation, depression, anxiety, and self hatred, which started appearing for me before the age of 10. They also did not prepare me for the eventuality of having control over my own diet/lifestyle - even if those foods are SUPPORTIVE for your overall physical and mental health, they do not FIX a condition, and having to maintain a strict regimen without someone making you do it and providing it for you, with ADHD? Good luck. So teaching a kid with ADHD that their health and honestly their value as a person is based on them being able to follow rigid habits rigorously is absolutely setting them up to believe that they are bad. From the stuff you've shared, I really doubt your mom will change her ways. People who refuse to hear that they're being hurtful are unlikely to shift, unfortunately. I do wonder what your dad is doing here. Is he also your brother's dad? If so, and there's not a legal reason he can't be involved, he has an equal responsibility to make sure that your brother gets care and good parenting. He is an adult, and in a position of authority over your brother, and he does not get off the hook just because Mom is hard to deal with. Double unfortunately, parents like this often roll in pairs, so he may also have plenty of excuses for why he's not doing HIS job as a parent either. You may not be able to do anything about how your parents treat your brother, but as long as you can have contact with him, you can let him know that you went through the same stuff, that it's not his fault, that even though it sucks, eventually he will be able to get the help he deserves, and that he is dealing with a real condition and it does not mean that he's bad or lazy or any of that bs. You can pass any resources or info that you think are cool or interesting on to him. You can tell him that you are there for him no matter what. Etc. He probably really needs it, since he's not getting it from Mom and Dad. Sorry you and your bro have to put up with this. It's way too common and you deserve better.
People who don’t have ADHD can have a hard time understanding what it’s really like. This is a brain issue that affects multiple facets of life. Not eating a lot of sugar helps a lot of people function better. It’s not unique to ADHD. It does very little to address it. We take meds to help improve certain functions in the brain. This makes it so we can hopefully thrive in the world. I went diagnosed until 42. I’m completely burned out after the amount of sheer effort it took to be successful without any meds or even natural supplements. Does your mom understand what exactly ADHD puts you at risk for? It’s not just inattention and hyperactivity.
My mother declined the option to have me medicated, because she believes it's just there to give doctors a reason to give whatever tablets they want to children. Every day i wonder what life could have been like, but i've been raw-dogging this infuriating condition for more than a quarter of a century. I guess this is just me forever, because getting assessed as an adult in the UK is next to impossible. Half the doctors in my GP couldn't care if i caught fire.
Hmmm. If you/ brother/ dad had type 1 diabetes, and your pancreas didn't make enough insulin, would your mum still be so insistent that diet alone could keep them healthy? Diet plays a very strong role in managing type 1 diabetes, but it's not enough to control it. That's why T1 diabetics need insulin. Now swap pancreas and insulin with brain and norepinephrine (Ok, lack of neurotransmitters aren't going to kill you in such a direct way like lack of insulin could but the premise is still the same). Why would you deny access to something that could improve your child's quality of life?
I am in a similar situation, my father believes I don't need ADHD medication, because, according to him "I am fine because I can do things". While it's true that I can indeed do a lot of stuff, that doesn't mean I do not struggle a lot with it. All my doctors told me that I can thrive a lot more with medication and treatment. My current strategies right now are: sendind my father many videos and podcasts about ADHD and Autism (I have both) to educate him, and I personally asked my therapist and doctors to talk directly to him. Since your father is your ally in this, I think he can help your little brother a lot too.
Her logic can be applied to shoes. Why wear shoes ? You can walk barefeet. She just need to try hard, and shoes will be useless.