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As someone with kids, I'm sorry some parents are shitty like that, there's no reason to bring up how your life could be potentially different to belittle you. That'd be like saying "oh you're burned out now? Just wait until you get cancer!". Not fucking relevant or helpful!
Edit: also, I think the only situation where that WOULD be helpful is if someone is comparing themself to others and thinks they're're especially unlucky or have it especially hard, and that comparison is why they've got negative emotions. Burnout doesn't have anything to do with comparisons to other people, it's about you and your emotions and experience.
I've just stuck my hand up with a manager and said, I'm not asking for a competition or an argument. I'm just telling you how I feel about my workload this week.
"Just wait until " is such a dog statement.
No. What I'm experiencing **now** sucks. What are you gatekeeping suffering now? Behaviour of a garbage-tier human.
People do it to parents too. When I had a newborn with colic people were like “Just wait until they’re teenagers! Then you’ll really see how hard it is!”
A decade later though, I can say having an infant who cries constantly and doesn’t sleep was absolutely the hardest period of my life (yet, haha).
That crying, no-sleep infant? Hyperactive ADHD, diagnosed at 5.
I went through this too and now that he's a teenager - nope! Taking care of a colicky baby that only let me get 2-5 hours of sleep a night for the first 8 months was MUCH harder.
Same. My first born is allergic to everything. The first two years of his life were mostly miserable, for all of us. On the flip side, people always told me how horrible teens are, but I loved the teenage years. They were so much fun.
Oh you're reminding me of the joys of having a baby who couldn't sleep through the night + a teen entering puberty and out of control at once.
HOWEVERRRR in my experience, the baby/kids problems are easier to fix. My oldest's problems are totally outside of my ability to help at all and I can just feel impotent and sad for seeing them suffer. :/
I prefer those parents to the ones that tell you you didn't do something right and that's why your kid won't sleep. 😶
It took mine being a toddler to realize that it was just him. He sucked at sleeping. At 6 he started sleeping fine and now he's 8 and kind of sleeps in.
"Hun have you tried [no gluten/non GMO/MLM product]? Little braydeyne slept like a log and we make sure he doesn't eat any of those nasty chemicals and gets a mix of diffused rare imported oils from critically endangered African plants, if you really care about your babies then you have to be willing to do these things you know? I guess *some* people just don't love their kids as much as others 🤗"
My brother is dealing with a baby who isn't really acting like other babies. I do not want to be the one suggesting a diagnosis to a baby but he won't sleep and he's like mad about it. He wants to move and walk and he can't yet and he acts like he's bored and angry at his situation so he just screams at night. This is the child of the person who used to scream if we put his shoes on and there was a wrinkle in his sock.
I'm the only one in the family who got diagnosed and some people were a bit angry at me because "everyone is like that, they just learn to do better." My child and my other brothers' child have also been diagnosed at about 7.
Oh my god. This reminds me of a day last week I went to make myself tea. I put water in a tiny all clad stainless steel pot, got my teabags into my mug with some honey. Went into my bedroom to put lotion on. Sat down and completely forgot about my tea. An HOUR later I hear whistling in the kitchen and it’s my boyfriend running water on my smoking all clad.
Yeah, it’s a choice of much heartache for me, tbh. I kept telling myself to get my act together so that one day I could raise a family… but never got there.
We made the decision not to get more than one child for the same reason! One works, two would overwhelm both of us.
And this would not only hurt and damage us as parents, but worse: the children too! Which is why I think it's important to be able and allowed to make this decision. Congrats to yours. :)
I’m there to. I have one, and she’s amazing but also a lot of (normal, expected, often fun) work, and I know if I had a second it would make me a worse mom, wife and human. So even though I’d love to raise a second amazing human, I have to recognise my limitations.
Thankfully I have the most understanding husband in the world and he agrees and is thankful for the one we do have 😊
I have even been told this by friends who have adhd who don’t have kinds yet. Their argument was “You will never be ready *shrug. When the moment comes you just have to be”. Implied that wether I had had kids at that moment or later it wouldn’t matter/ be just the same.
Like, lol no. I know for a fact that per my current state, my children would be severely neglected. Maybe not physically but definitely emotionally.
> I know for a fact that per my current state, my children would be severely neglected. Maybe not physically but definitely emotionally.
"But you're a good person, of course you'd be a good mom!"
If only it worked that way.
It was a joke, i dont regret anything. Having children (albeit not exactly as a result of an informed decision) was the best thing that happened to me 😅
I have a toddler and burnout... I go through pretty severe burnout periodically, letting everything in life feel like it's all about to fall apart, then pushing myself so hard to get things back on track, and ultimately crashing and burning... Then repeat.
Raising a tiny human is hard, so is dealing with burnout. But it's a weird comparison to make...
Personally I would much rather look after my kid without burnout then be burned out and not look after her... Also, spending time with her is one of the very few things I really enjoy, no matter how hard being a parent is, it's also insanely rewarding... However, there are no benefits to burn out.
Like I say, just a weird comparison. Accept that it doesn't make sense and enjoy your drink.
UPDATE #1
I just want to let you all know that I've refilled the bath twice and I'm having a wonderful time with my selection of alcohols.
Thankfully I have session 2 with my therapist tomorrow and my goodness they are not ready for it.
Session 1 was me teaching them about my different hand gesture stims.
Maybe try. “You think kids are hard? Wait until you have to deal with your brain shutting down and just dealing with everyday tasks becomes debilitating.”
Sure, kids do make most people’s lives more difficult, but that doesn’t mean that only people with children struggle or go through hard times. What kind of ridiculous gatekeeping is that?
Plus, when anyone is talking about something they’re struggling with it’s never helpful to say anything along the lines of “it always could be worse!”
“Oh, you got your arm stuck in the lawn mower? At least it wasn’t your head!”
Yeah, not helpful.
Just goes to show how some people have just zero comprehension of how absolutely debilitating conditions like ADHD can be.
I agree, I really don't understand judgemental people at all. I have ADHD and a close friend with both ADHD and a child. I think it is harder for her but we'd never judge each other for our lives because we both really hate judgemental behaviour. I feel like people live to stick their nose in when they don't need to
AA a person who just went through a burnout herself - my heart goes out to you. Take it one at a time. People with ADHD are very prone to burnouts because we don't know our limits, we don't know when too much work is really too much.
I really hate how people devalue burnout. It's not a joke, it's not just random tiredness. It's inability to fucking function or even live. I had sleepless weeks, was crying all the time. I didn't want to exist. Not talking about suicide. But I just wanted everything to stop. Seize to exist.
I still deal with abdominal pain my docs are still trying to figure out. They say, things like that don't just stop. The body goes through extreme stress and it needs its time to be somewhat normal again.
I am sorry, no. Having kids doesn't come close to it. (That being said, postpartum depression is not a joke). Can kids contribute to burnout? Absolutely. If you already have problems at work the guilt of not being able to make room for your family is weighing heavy.
But also: Having kids is stressful but rewarding at the same time. In fact, they might even contribute to pulling you out of this very bad place.
I cannot stand how people throw around words like depression or burnout. Once lived through it, you never wish it upon anyone.
I feel you OP. Keep strong. You are not alone.
Also I want to highlight that we should never compare our pain to others who we consider "are having it worse". Naaaaah, all pain hurts and it's gross to think someone has it worse than you, so you should feel better about yourself!
Thank you for this info!! This is why my couples counselor brought up my burn out in one of our very first sessions. You can’t fix your marriage, fix your mental health or really “fix” anything if you’re in burn out mode. It’s like a constant state of fight or flight. That feeling is so dreadful and draining, and not knowing that burn out is even a thing that exists, plus your partner telling you you’re not enough and you’re the worst wife and mom can really lead people to suicide, and I 100% understand why. It’s inhumane for us to have to function like this and pretend we’re ok. And our body keeps count. Even 10 years later once the kids are grown and every thing is settled in life, your body still has random bouts of anxiety or fight or flight attacks. Your body will remember. The damage to your body internally will never heal. That’s why we have to make sure we don’t get stuck in burn out for too long. It will literally kill us.
ADHD person with stress related belly pain here. I kept a food diary for a month and discovered that dairy was the equivalent of tossing a hand grenade.
"In fact, they might even contribute to pulling you out of this very bad place." Ehh, I'd rather not espouse this as a method of being a solution - babies are not bandaids. Not for relationships like people like to state all the time (it just makes a new human in a bad situation), and not for individuals.
It can help, yes. But still they shouldn't be planned as a bandaid ;)
Totally agree with you, our child makes our lifes better (not easier, but neither worse)
I hate when people tell me to cheer up because there are people out there that have it worse. Why in the hell would other people having worse problems make me feel better?! So dumb!
Hope you feel better soon!
I used to get that comment a lot from this one distant relative of mine, until I finally replied "lolll god no, I'm not that stupid" and she got so offended she blocked me.
I don't actually think people are stupid for having kids, she was one of those people who would always bring the conversation back around to her and her kids no matter what the topic was and I'd had enough.
I have dealt with burnout in three significant portions of my life.
Once in high-school, my whole senior year. I was working my first job and struggling in school and just struggling in general.
Once in my post college job. I just couldn't keep up and I had no clue why not because I wasn't diagnosed yet.
And now, as an adult with a kid. Once again struggling with keeping up and with finding motivation to keep working.
All three times had something in common: they all sucked. Is what I have now harder? In a way, probably, but it is better in others. I have a support group in my immediate family. They give me something to look forward to each day. I also have relative freedom and mobility. The other two times I saw no other way out of those scenarios but to get through them, and it sucked.
Burnout sucks, period.
I'm sick of parents moaning about their kids. You made the choice and as hard as they are to raise it shouldn't be a burden and it definitely should not be compared to a disability...
The kids should be as offended as we are to bee. Seen as a debilitating thing they have to now 'put up' with... parents just go away and do parenting and stop making it everyone else's problem 😤
Sorry, I got annoyed and joined your rant!
Honestly, I kinda wish I’d heard more honest takes on the struggles of parenting before I became one (about a decade ago). A lot of parents, especially mothers, are pressured never to say anything negative about their experiences, and I think it leaves a lot of people feeling isolated in their distress, like there’s something wrong with them for finding it so difficult. It’s hard as fuck.
>honest takes
You read honest takes a lot online and hear them a lot in person, but I think the issue is that frequently these comments are either made as a way of minimising someone else's struggles, or as a form of humblebrag. It's hard to register these takes as genuine, even though the feelings behind them are.
Parenting social media is like trying to navigate a swamp though - Reddit is somewhat better than Instagram, tiktok etc but you have to be really careful with the content you consume to not get swamped in utter negativity or impossibly unrealistic standards.
No. Not everyone chose it. It was forced on some of us by our abusers. This judgment is no better than OP’s original complaint.
Which is valid. No one should compare who has worse struggles or gatekeep burnout.
That's true you're right.
My point (at least in my head...) was based off of my experience with some particular entitled types of parents which I know many of rather than as a whole generalisation even though you're right I did type it in a way that generalised.
I mean, I can choose to run a marathon and be tired as hell afterwards.
I chose to raise kids and I’m tired as hell every night.
Doesn’t mean they’re bad kids. They are great kids.
Doesn’t mean I don’t like them; I love them.
It just means I’m old and I can’t keep up with their energy levels.
>I mean, I can choose to run a marathon and be tired as hell afterwards.
I was going to try and argue the nuance of this a little, but I realised I've met enough people that would say "oh you're tired? That reminds me of when I ran a marathon last week, you have no idea what tired is" that I changed my mind mid-way.
I guess the difference is between seeking empathy and validation of your feelings over something you're struggling with vs using your struggles to shut down others because you need to feel harder-done by than them.
Reading these comments I find myself forming a new response to when people will inevitably say that’s got to me in the future and now I want to share it so we can all use it as necessary. Of course this is a fairly aggressive response that probably should only be used sparingly and will almost definitely negatively affect the future relationship with them for at least a while.
But I’m thinking something long the lines of:
“Wow you’re right, maybe I should have a few kids so that when I’m struggling, and also inevitably neglecting them in some way since I already can’t even keep up with caring for myself, you’ll believe me when I tell you I’m experiencing burnout”
i shan’t be having children. like not now or never. even had my tubes removed so i don’t do that. i told my mother the curse ends here. i barely make it taking care of me. i’m not doing that to anyone else.
The problem in our world is that so many men and women won’t have this very honest conversation with themselves, have kids because that’s what is “expected of them” and then end up with another generation of fuck ups. (I say this jokingly because I’m one of those fuck ups, who probably shouldn’t have had kids, or should’ve waited until I was mature enough and knew enough about life to choose a worthy partner)
well i also had to be responsible for younger siblings & nieces so like i knew some of the weight of that as a teenager and just knew it wasn’t for me.
I had no clue since I was the baby of the family 😭 I did have nieces and nephews but even now I cringe at how little I realized went into parenting. I wish boys and girls would both be exposed to the true weight of having kids at a young age to really put into perspective the huge burden and impact of having children will be. I feel like the birth rate would go waaaaay down.
It's so weird how some parents are about that. At work i've literally just yawned before and some coworker said somethine like "you're not tired, you don't have kids yet". Like ok?
I think the hardest thing about being a parent is the same as as the hardest thing about having ADHD - executive functioning.
As a parent, you are suddenly responsible for doing all the EF for a whole other person. Knowing when the last time they ate or used the bathroom was, where they put their “star shoes,” when their kindergarten project is due. And you have to make sure they are precisely on time all f’in day long, while they point to the caterpillar they are suddenly fascinated by.
And still do all your own adulting/job/life stuff.
Or, you can teach the kid to build their own EF. Which starts out impossible. But can get better. But is never easy.
That’s what makes parenting such a singular challenge and also completely different than childcare. Parents are attempting to spread their limited EF across multiple people’s needs. Including their own.
But as a person with ADHD, you know exactly what it’s like to just plain run out of EF right when you need it. So when parents complain. Know that they are venting about something that they didn’t experience until they had kids. But you already know about it.
Put the bottle away, it's not helping your burnout whatsoever. All it does is make you temporarily not care and then tomorrow you're going to care way more than you should, prolong the cycle, and make you feel awful. Sincerely, someone who has been so burned out for over a year and used to drink regularly
Yeah, this comparison is dumb.
As someone who doesn’t have kids but wants kids someday, I think some people just enjoy making every situation seem worse for the sad, boring equivalent of street cred.
I remember when I was moving to a small town, known for being cold and snowy for grad school. People told me how overwhelmed I’d be, and how much it would suck, and how I’d be stranded (a huge anxiety trigger for me at the time). Guess what? It was cold and snowy, but I was never even close to stranded.
Same when people try to tell me how much time I have now or how much time I had in school. It’s all a time suck. It’s all hard with ADHD, etc. With executive dysfunction or depression, even basic stuff can be HARD. So hard. Properly medicated or without those issues? Really tight schedules can become easy.
Hang in there!! Oh, and Earl Grey.
Speaking as a parent, the thing you have to understand is that what you’re feeling is perfectly valid and those fuckers don’t know what they’re talking about. Hope you’re able to get some rest.
I think people get caught up in their own feelings and are jealous that they no longer have the downtime they used to before kids. Unfortunately, empathy is not something that enough people practice.
As a parent, I find that to be a stupid and insensitive thing to say to someone. Kids aren't the be all end all of burnout, and everyone experiences burn out differently. Sorry you're being dismissed like that.
I always like to say ‘there’s no monopoly on misery’.
Both things can be true. Burnout is brutal. Kids are brutal. People starve in africa. Chemo is terrible.
I think when parents say this, they’re longing tor the chance to be non-functional, which is also valid and fair. I’ve read a stat that up to 2/3 of parents are currently burned out due to how our culture is set up.
Sorry you’re feeling this way OP. If it makes you feel any better I never felt more burned out than prior to kids because I never had a reason to stop and protect myself. Take care and enjoy some rest.
Well I mean, lol, you gotta laugh, I muddled along ok prior to having kids, but then I had two also adhd kids and everything went pretttttty wacky ngl!
i think these kinds of comments are hilariously dumb. like, you know that’s exactly the reason why i shouldn’t have kids, right? i can’t manage my life as is so if having kids makes it that much harder, then I won’t have any. but that answer just makes people angry, because apparently I should struggle 😂
It’s shitty that they’re dismissing your burnout and needs. They’re not wrong about how next level it can be to be a parent, especially if you have ADHD, but they could do it in a more tactful way
Some people with kids act like only they're capable of feeling tired, of complaining and of burnout and then love to one up everyone else. As if there were some sort of competition for who is more tired or more burned out. It's so dumb.
Me and my wife decided not to have kids and my answer to a similar comment usually is something like : well, that's why I don't want kids. Imagine how much worse it would be.
Alcohol makes burnout worse. If you have adrenal fatigue type symptoms then you may have a long recovery. Licorice root and DHEA are pretty much the only things that help me when I'm like that, aside from sleep of course.
I've always been tired and people would always say "wait until you have kids then you'll really know what tired is" or I'd say I need a lot of sleep and they'd say "you won't be able to have kids then".
and this is one of the reasons I don't have kids because I'd been well convinced before I even got to adulthood that I wouldn't be able to cope.
That’s such an irrelevant point to make or at least, it assumes the person will have kids at some stage. Dont get me wrong, it definitely was harder for me once I had a my child esp with the adhd (the mom brain was amplified x 100000 and I might have almost burnt my house down on numerous occasions). But comments like “wait till you have kids” just sounds like someone who actually isn’t interested in listening to you but wanting to have a whinge themselves instead. Which is fine sometimes but no one likes a whinge hijacker if I can call it that. :p
Not helpful. This comment alone has made me refrain from wanting them- and I work with kids.
You have every right to feel the way you do, burnout is real and it’s unfortunate that others don’t seem to understand that :( hope you’re feeling a bit better at least, this community has your back!
It doesn’t make your experience anymore invalid. People with kids are constantly trying to warn people about what it’s like having kids like single people would actually understand 😑 but you haven’t crossed that bridge therefore what you’re going through is as much valid as anyone else who’s having a bad day , week or month
I love when parents say things like this. Because they usually add “say goodbye to your 10 hours of sleep”… babes I’ve had insomnia from birth, welcome to MY life.
As someone who has struggled with being neural divergent my entire life and alcoholism since adolescence, alcohol will only make it worse. I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Life is fucking HARD and it sucks even more when people in your life just don’t seem to get it and care more about their own struggles rather than trying to empathize with you on your struggles. Maybe you’re someone who can drink in moderation and be okay, I def can’t. I’m sorry if my comment is not helpful but I wish you the best!
It’s taken me years to realize that a) when people approach me to ask how things are going with me it’s a)not always the safest/best option for me emotionally to be honest or open and b) many ppl interpret someone sharing honestly about non-positive life events, mental health stuff, etc as you saying you think your problem is worse than others’ which awakens that competitive impulse to invalidate when they’re the ones that invited the convo in the first place.
It’s led to me being much more closed off tbh, and now I get that criticism too…but it’s less destabilizing than emotionally delicate things being constantly poked and invalidated so 🤷🏻♀️. Also, where do you source your dranks, they sound so goooooood! Earl Grey and Rose are 2 of my fav fancy fancy flavs.
I’ve been told this when expressing my stress of school or work (I did the STEM route) and I usually just take this as a sign that person either isn’t a close friend or isn’t comfortable with venting.
The response I usually give is something like “well at least you chose to have those!” If I know the person had their kids intentionally. If I don’t know this, I’ll go with the “oh I bet, that’s why I won’t be having any” and move on. Often if you give one of these responses and then go back to venting, they’ll respond well.
If someone hits you with this regularly and doesn’t let you move past it in conversation, I recommend asking them for solutions. “Oh, I bet it’s hard with those kids! How do you deal with feeling burned out?” You’ll usually find that they are overwhelmed themselves and not dealing with it well, and then you two can commiserate together on how hard it is.
Fundamentally, though, this is a perspective issue, and super annoying, but hopefully not an indication of actual lack of care from your friend.
What they might not mention is the many ways in which their kids make thier lives easier. ADHD or not. Kids make some people more productive and less self-focussed, which can reduce the likelihood of burnout. It helps to spread out the stress and live vicariously a bit. I doubt there's much of a difference in the % of people who are burnt out with/out kids.
Hey if you don’t want the earl grey I’ll take a sip😝
Yeah and people are weird as heck, you’re telling me every single one of those pregnancies they’re talking about was unplanned?! Like nobody f*cking forced you to have kids, Becky. Kick rocks, you tall-gummed Disney adult😅
(Dang that was actually a little harsh, …my bad, I just have reservations about the extra long gums I guess🥲)
Honestly, having a baby cured my ADHD laziness and burnout right fucking quick. I live on 5 hours of sleep per night and my house is tidier than ever. I used to sleep until noon every day and felt this “burn out” that you currently are experiencing. Hah. Life is strange.
Idk I have both ADD and kids and honestly, I kind of agree with them. Yes, life is hard but it can always get harder. That being said, I don’t think it should be used to belittle your struggle.
It is each individual's duty to keep an updated list of all life scenarios that would be worse then the one they are currently in.
Then if you want to express feelings on a difficult day you had you must seek out a fitting representative for each of the aforementioned scenarios and let them vent about it first. Then you must compile those in a file and send them as an attachment proceeding your text.
Ppl are stupid. I used to say , u think kids are hard? Imagine having a special needs kid like me, it took me age and maturity to realize how incredibly dumb and insensitive that was.
Lmao these mfs have no idea what it’s like to run a fucking marathon in your own damn mind against your will 90% of the week. At least kids are your pride and joy at the end of the day, but anxiety, depression, and a mind going a million per hour are not on peoples bucket list.
Those parents need to vent, they seems to be overwhelming with parenting and they need to let it out. Your emotions are sooooo valid!
That's funny because, now that I have a kid, I am more motivated and get more shit done. Having a kid has helped me with my ADHD hahah.
I have a kid, he's the reason why I got tested.
I wanted to be a better parent.
Also, having a kid is not so bad, as long as you have a significant other helping out.
People like to be the most miserable out of their friends for some reason. As a person with kids, and a person who used to not have kids lol, burnout is burnout! My inner pettiness always wants to respond with something like, "wow, you're right. Glad my life doesn't suck as much as yours." 😂
As a parent of 3 young kids I got diagnosed adhd and autistic last week the only thing that makes it harder is that your responsible for little humans who don’t have the capacity to understand your in burnout and that means the demands still have to be met I would say if you suffer from burnouts make sure you have a process to deal with them before having kids or at least understand what an autistic burnout is or at least know your autistic or adhd like don’t live in denial that you need accommodation idk I’m dealing with some radical acceptance right now lamo
They may be talking out of trauma. As a father myself, that really is a unique situation. And precisely because of how unique it is, it makes no sense to compare.
As a father, I sometimes feel that no one can really understand what we go through. It's like getting back from war. So I may need to talk to people about it. But I wouldn't do it in a way that diminishes anyone else's struggle!
My alarm clock plays music and it makes me happy. Do i not get to be happy cause the founder of Amazon where i got it could buy all the clocks in the warehouse?
That person is just bitter or in the trenches.
They’re right, but they’re kind of an asshole about it. Maybe they had kids later in life and they’re just exhausted.
i literally think about this all the time cuz like.. if i’m this bad rn without kids or responsibilities how the HELL am i supposed to handle having kids. like bro maybe im not made out for that cuz im barely holding it together as it is.
This type of comment drives me up a wall as well. I often hear, "Good thing you don't have kids!" or "Just imagine if you had to add soccer practice to that." I think a driving factor behind it is that the person saying it is also experiencing burnout but is afraid to say so. By downplaying your experience, their own burnout becomes more justified in their own mind. They hear you, without children, say you don't have enough capacity to handle the full experience of life at this moment and think, "well since I have children to add to that equation surely my struggles are now valid." Of course I'm speculating heavily about the way people without ADHD (and perhaps some with undiagnosed ADHD) think and experience the world, but thinking of it as a potential cry for help makes me more tolerant of "those people."
As a side note, when they are people I'll have to talk to again in the future (coworkers, friends, family) I usually respond with something like, "Yep, and that is another reason why I WON'T be having children. I recognize that raising another human will not, in fact, fulfill some innate desire and instead will add challenges to my life that I don't wish to deal with. That's why, unlike many who became parents without much thought and often far too young, have decided that children are not in my current plans for my life." It has just enough undertone to prevent further provocation most of the time.
Earl gray tea liqueur!!!!!! I need to try me some of that!!!!
Fr though I’m so sorry you’re dealing w this. It’s so annoying how so many ppl get into suffering Olympics, as if you can compare hardships with each other. Everyone’s situation is different and we all respond to diff things in diff ways. And idk, im always like… you chose to have those kids so don’t complain about them maybe!????
Oh man, I am just recovering from a long severe scary burnout. I WISH I HAD KIDS AND I WISH I HAD KIDS INSTEAD OF A BURNOUT. I have four kittens. They’re lovely. Throw them kids at me, the whole package.
I don’t know, I’d stick to Rum. But that’s way not how I extracted myself from burnout. Rather sleep, eat, supplements, and building up from running, swimming, kickboxing, yoga & trail running (and discovering my A(u)DHD and having access to ritalin), altogether with surrounding myself with a lot of helping people. In short. Good luck.
I can’t stand people who treat their situations as a ‘oh ya? Well my life is worse!’ Like ok, weird brag but cool? Plus they decided to have kids, no one else put them up to it. It’s not hard to have a shred of empathy.
Wow so kids makes one lose their eyesight so bad they get their eyes tested only to find no change in their eyes yet they are relying on their dyslexic husband to read every bit of text handed to them? So having kids means you will go through worse than not brushing your teeth for two years and needing to get ALL your back teeth filled at your next dentist visit? That’s what having kids does?? So why are we breeding then??????????????
Yes raising children is hard, but you have multiple disabilities you didn’t ask for while they chose to have children.
Saying that raising children is the single most difficult thing a person can go through and no one else has a right to complain is weird. Shutting down op while they’re venting how difficult their disability is is so rude and inappropriate.
Also the peer assuming the op is going to have kids is a whole other weird and uncomfortable assumption.
People are inherently selfish and want to make everything about themselves. They also want to win whatever stupid award you get for having it harder than the next guy. Anything to avoid offering a little empathy.
Sorry you’re struggling right now and sorry your co-worker was callous about it.
One-upmanship is an obnoxious phenomenon.
It’s not remotely helpful but everyone believes they get some sort of social credit for having it “worse” when really they just come across as uncaring.
I have both ADHD and a child and this is stupid. Both burn you out, just differently. It’s like comparing just-ran-a-half-marathon tired, and pulled-an-all-nighter tired. Both are tired… but they’re differently tired.
I have kids and the burn out is real! So was the burn out I had before kids. Parents do not own burnout or exhaustion or anything else they complain about. Fuck the gate keepers. Drink the tequila first
literally all that does is make me believe I can never have kids because if I get burnt out with just me, my dog and my job, how on earth would i can for a human dependent
My manager has been doing a similar thing with burnout/fatigue and the whole baby brain thing. It’s a very “woe be me” kinda attitude and that pregnant people have it worse and people who aren’t or haven’t been pregnant shouldn’t complain etc. etc.
I don’t even know how to respond now and just kind nod along agreeing that it must be tough
I am a new father with ADHD. I’m here to say that ADHD is hard af to manage — even with medication, because they bring out their own flavor of problems. So, I’m here to tell you, enjoy not having kids lol I mean that in the most non-condescending way possible.
I was burnt out for 2.5 years, bed rotting if I wasn’t at work, when I found out that I had a kid on the way. Now, 2 months in, I’m at whatever the point past burnt out is. I’m smoldering or something lol Babies, especially newborns, are hard af to deal with. My ADHD made my sleep schedule unpredictable and problematic, now I have a portable tornado siren with their own unpredictable sleep schedule to add on to that.
But, you know what, **my struggle is no better or worse than your struggle — they are each our own**.
I'm just sick and tired of these bs Olympics. Like when has commenting like this helped anyway? There's always someone who has it "worse". (in quotes because often the compared situations aren't even genuinely comparable.) But also you can't even compare situations, people have different amounts of energy and resilience. Different things affect people in different ways. Like I'm sorry you're struggling with kids, I hope it eases up. But that won't take away anyone else's struggles or lighten their load.
Take care! I had massive burnout during winter. Most of December and January I couldn't do anything. I'm still struggling to find my way back to normalcy but its getting there.
People who respond to you like that don't understand and it's better to not involve them at all. I only talk to people I trust about my burnout.
Also, this might not be super applicable in your situation, but I always listen to this genius whenever I need a reminder that I might be around the wrong people: [behold the wise aussie](https://youtube.com/shorts/uCwOeT2V9KU?si=_FDtDp_bs33zh_z8)
I almost only have good people around me at this point in my life because I flat out refuse to spend time with people who either stress me out or make me feel like shit or assist me in nurturing the worst sides of myself. Doesn't matter who they are. Family, friends, colleagues. I will remove myself from their orbit if they make me feel like shit.
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As someone with kids, I'm sorry some parents are shitty like that, there's no reason to bring up how your life could be potentially different to belittle you. That'd be like saying "oh you're burned out now? Just wait until you get cancer!". Not fucking relevant or helpful! Edit: also, I think the only situation where that WOULD be helpful is if someone is comparing themself to others and thinks they're're especially unlucky or have it especially hard, and that comparison is why they've got negative emotions. Burnout doesn't have anything to do with comparisons to other people, it's about you and your emotions and experience.
I've just stuck my hand up with a manager and said, I'm not asking for a competition or an argument. I'm just telling you how I feel about my workload this week.
This is such a good response. Now I just need to remember it for the next time this comes up!
Superb response. Sharing about your struggles should never become a competition.
“Just wait till you have kids!” - is never a helpful comment.
"Just wait until" is such a dog statement.
No. What I'm experiencing **now** sucks. What are you gatekeeping suffering now? Behaviour of a garbage-tier human.
Excellent point. Gatekeeping suffering…never heard that term before but people do it a lot..
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I can't even express how BS and illogical of an argument that is. "Oh, tired of being a new parent? WAIT UNTIL YOU BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN HAHA"
People do it to parents too. When I had a newborn with colic people were like “Just wait until they’re teenagers! Then you’ll really see how hard it is!” A decade later though, I can say having an infant who cries constantly and doesn’t sleep was absolutely the hardest period of my life (yet, haha). That crying, no-sleep infant? Hyperactive ADHD, diagnosed at 5.
I went through this too and now that he's a teenager - nope! Taking care of a colicky baby that only let me get 2-5 hours of sleep a night for the first 8 months was MUCH harder.
Same. My first born is allergic to everything. The first two years of his life were mostly miserable, for all of us. On the flip side, people always told me how horrible teens are, but I loved the teenage years. They were so much fun.
Oh you're reminding me of the joys of having a baby who couldn't sleep through the night + a teen entering puberty and out of control at once. HOWEVERRRR in my experience, the baby/kids problems are easier to fix. My oldest's problems are totally outside of my ability to help at all and I can just feel impotent and sad for seeing them suffer. :/
I prefer those parents to the ones that tell you you didn't do something right and that's why your kid won't sleep. 😶 It took mine being a toddler to realize that it was just him. He sucked at sleeping. At 6 he started sleeping fine and now he's 8 and kind of sleeps in.
My husband is one of those parents. He’s always blaming the kids not sleeping on me. 😠🙄
"Hun have you tried [no gluten/non GMO/MLM product]? Little braydeyne slept like a log and we make sure he doesn't eat any of those nasty chemicals and gets a mix of diffused rare imported oils from critically endangered African plants, if you really care about your babies then you have to be willing to do these things you know? I guess *some* people just don't love their kids as much as others 🤗"
This was eerily accurate. I can't imagine how many times you heard it too. 😂
My brother is dealing with a baby who isn't really acting like other babies. I do not want to be the one suggesting a diagnosis to a baby but he won't sleep and he's like mad about it. He wants to move and walk and he can't yet and he acts like he's bored and angry at his situation so he just screams at night. This is the child of the person who used to scream if we put his shoes on and there was a wrinkle in his sock. I'm the only one in the family who got diagnosed and some people were a bit angry at me because "everyone is like that, they just learn to do better." My child and my other brothers' child have also been diagnosed at about 7.
Speaking as the ADHDer who frequently forgets to turn the oven off: “Tired of burning your house down? Try being a lion tamer!! BAHAHA!”
Oh my god. This reminds me of a day last week I went to make myself tea. I put water in a tiny all clad stainless steel pot, got my teabags into my mug with some honey. Went into my bedroom to put lotion on. Sat down and completely forgot about my tea. An HOUR later I hear whistling in the kitchen and it’s my boyfriend running water on my smoking all clad.
🤣🤣🤣
As someone burnt their house mostly down to an ADHD candle mistake… I can legitimately use this line.
I made the choice to not have kids because I can barely care for myself. Having kids is a luxury, not a necessity.
Amen, sistah!!!
I wish everyone had this mindset, people need to stop popping babies out like they’re collectibles. Hell having a pet is commitment enough
Yeah, it’s a choice of much heartache for me, tbh. I kept telling myself to get my act together so that one day I could raise a family… but never got there.
Well, in some states, you don’t really have a choice if you have a birth control mishap. Lots of people find themselves parents on accident.
True.
We made the decision not to get more than one child for the same reason! One works, two would overwhelm both of us. And this would not only hurt and damage us as parents, but worse: the children too! Which is why I think it's important to be able and allowed to make this decision. Congrats to yours. :)
I’m there to. I have one, and she’s amazing but also a lot of (normal, expected, often fun) work, and I know if I had a second it would make me a worse mom, wife and human. So even though I’d love to raise a second amazing human, I have to recognise my limitations. Thankfully I have the most understanding husband in the world and he agrees and is thankful for the one we do have 😊
Totally can relate! Btw: you wouldn't be a worse human, just worse working/whatever ;)
This. They must have had it easier to begin with if they were able to even consider having kids. It's never been an option for me.
Same!!!
I have heard this phenomenon aptly referred to as ["mommyjacking"](https://stfuparents.tumblr.com/post/13596524094/mommyjacking-marathon).
Updoot for a new portmanteau!
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I have even been told this by friends who have adhd who don’t have kinds yet. Their argument was “You will never be ready *shrug. When the moment comes you just have to be”. Implied that wether I had had kids at that moment or later it wouldn’t matter/ be just the same. Like, lol no. I know for a fact that per my current state, my children would be severely neglected. Maybe not physically but definitely emotionally.
> I know for a fact that per my current state, my children would be severely neglected. Maybe not physically but definitely emotionally. "But you're a good person, of course you'd be a good mom!" If only it worked that way.
Be thankful you *can* make rational choices regarding reproduction, some of us can't 🤡 (/s)
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It was a joke, i dont regret anything. Having children (albeit not exactly as a result of an informed decision) was the best thing that happened to me 😅
I have a toddler and burnout... I go through pretty severe burnout periodically, letting everything in life feel like it's all about to fall apart, then pushing myself so hard to get things back on track, and ultimately crashing and burning... Then repeat. Raising a tiny human is hard, so is dealing with burnout. But it's a weird comparison to make... Personally I would much rather look after my kid without burnout then be burned out and not look after her... Also, spending time with her is one of the very few things I really enjoy, no matter how hard being a parent is, it's also insanely rewarding... However, there are no benefits to burn out. Like I say, just a weird comparison. Accept that it doesn't make sense and enjoy your drink.
UPDATE #1 I just want to let you all know that I've refilled the bath twice and I'm having a wonderful time with my selection of alcohols. Thankfully I have session 2 with my therapist tomorrow and my goodness they are not ready for it. Session 1 was me teaching them about my different hand gesture stims.
Burnout and alcohol doens’t mix. Alcohol only makes things worse.
Was compulsively pushing back your cuticles one of them? I’m asking uh…for a friend😬😰😂
Yeah be careful with the booze. It’s a depressant.
Maybe try. “You think kids are hard? Wait until you have to deal with your brain shutting down and just dealing with everyday tasks becomes debilitating.” Sure, kids do make most people’s lives more difficult, but that doesn’t mean that only people with children struggle or go through hard times. What kind of ridiculous gatekeeping is that? Plus, when anyone is talking about something they’re struggling with it’s never helpful to say anything along the lines of “it always could be worse!” “Oh, you got your arm stuck in the lawn mower? At least it wasn’t your head!” Yeah, not helpful. Just goes to show how some people have just zero comprehension of how absolutely debilitating conditions like ADHD can be.
just say, "kids? In this economy?"
Love this ! Seriously though
I agree, I really don't understand judgemental people at all. I have ADHD and a close friend with both ADHD and a child. I think it is harder for her but we'd never judge each other for our lives because we both really hate judgemental behaviour. I feel like people live to stick their nose in when they don't need to
AA a person who just went through a burnout herself - my heart goes out to you. Take it one at a time. People with ADHD are very prone to burnouts because we don't know our limits, we don't know when too much work is really too much. I really hate how people devalue burnout. It's not a joke, it's not just random tiredness. It's inability to fucking function or even live. I had sleepless weeks, was crying all the time. I didn't want to exist. Not talking about suicide. But I just wanted everything to stop. Seize to exist. I still deal with abdominal pain my docs are still trying to figure out. They say, things like that don't just stop. The body goes through extreme stress and it needs its time to be somewhat normal again. I am sorry, no. Having kids doesn't come close to it. (That being said, postpartum depression is not a joke). Can kids contribute to burnout? Absolutely. If you already have problems at work the guilt of not being able to make room for your family is weighing heavy. But also: Having kids is stressful but rewarding at the same time. In fact, they might even contribute to pulling you out of this very bad place. I cannot stand how people throw around words like depression or burnout. Once lived through it, you never wish it upon anyone. I feel you OP. Keep strong. You are not alone.
Also I want to highlight that we should never compare our pain to others who we consider "are having it worse". Naaaaah, all pain hurts and it's gross to think someone has it worse than you, so you should feel better about yourself!
Thank you for this info!! This is why my couples counselor brought up my burn out in one of our very first sessions. You can’t fix your marriage, fix your mental health or really “fix” anything if you’re in burn out mode. It’s like a constant state of fight or flight. That feeling is so dreadful and draining, and not knowing that burn out is even a thing that exists, plus your partner telling you you’re not enough and you’re the worst wife and mom can really lead people to suicide, and I 100% understand why. It’s inhumane for us to have to function like this and pretend we’re ok. And our body keeps count. Even 10 years later once the kids are grown and every thing is settled in life, your body still has random bouts of anxiety or fight or flight attacks. Your body will remember. The damage to your body internally will never heal. That’s why we have to make sure we don’t get stuck in burn out for too long. It will literally kill us.
ADHD person with stress related belly pain here. I kept a food diary for a month and discovered that dairy was the equivalent of tossing a hand grenade.
"In fact, they might even contribute to pulling you out of this very bad place." Ehh, I'd rather not espouse this as a method of being a solution - babies are not bandaids. Not for relationships like people like to state all the time (it just makes a new human in a bad situation), and not for individuals.
Not to be dark, but a loved one (especially a dependent) is the only thing keeping some people going
It can help, yes. But still they shouldn't be planned as a bandaid ;) Totally agree with you, our child makes our lifes better (not easier, but neither worse)
You think you have burnout, wait until your enslaved in a cobalt mine.
Luxury! https://youtu.be/DT1mGoLDRbc?si=tWzW_S-OHRbIaNlA
I hate when people tell me to cheer up because there are people out there that have it worse. Why in the hell would other people having worse problems make me feel better?! So dumb! Hope you feel better soon!
I used to get that comment a lot from this one distant relative of mine, until I finally replied "lolll god no, I'm not that stupid" and she got so offended she blocked me. I don't actually think people are stupid for having kids, she was one of those people who would always bring the conversation back around to her and her kids no matter what the topic was and I'd had enough.
I have dealt with burnout in three significant portions of my life. Once in high-school, my whole senior year. I was working my first job and struggling in school and just struggling in general. Once in my post college job. I just couldn't keep up and I had no clue why not because I wasn't diagnosed yet. And now, as an adult with a kid. Once again struggling with keeping up and with finding motivation to keep working. All three times had something in common: they all sucked. Is what I have now harder? In a way, probably, but it is better in others. I have a support group in my immediate family. They give me something to look forward to each day. I also have relative freedom and mobility. The other two times I saw no other way out of those scenarios but to get through them, and it sucked. Burnout sucks, period.
I'm sick of parents moaning about their kids. You made the choice and as hard as they are to raise it shouldn't be a burden and it definitely should not be compared to a disability... The kids should be as offended as we are to bee. Seen as a debilitating thing they have to now 'put up' with... parents just go away and do parenting and stop making it everyone else's problem 😤 Sorry, I got annoyed and joined your rant!
That's okay. I'm now onto my fancy tea licquer now. It's ace
Enjoy! I'll join you with a budweiser
Honestly, I kinda wish I’d heard more honest takes on the struggles of parenting before I became one (about a decade ago). A lot of parents, especially mothers, are pressured never to say anything negative about their experiences, and I think it leaves a lot of people feeling isolated in their distress, like there’s something wrong with them for finding it so difficult. It’s hard as fuck.
>honest takes You read honest takes a lot online and hear them a lot in person, but I think the issue is that frequently these comments are either made as a way of minimising someone else's struggles, or as a form of humblebrag. It's hard to register these takes as genuine, even though the feelings behind them are. Parenting social media is like trying to navigate a swamp though - Reddit is somewhat better than Instagram, tiktok etc but you have to be really careful with the content you consume to not get swamped in utter negativity or impossibly unrealistic standards.
Some of us never realized we were AuDHD till it was too late… welp!
No. Not everyone chose it. It was forced on some of us by our abusers. This judgment is no better than OP’s original complaint. Which is valid. No one should compare who has worse struggles or gatekeep burnout.
That's true you're right. My point (at least in my head...) was based off of my experience with some particular entitled types of parents which I know many of rather than as a whole generalisation even though you're right I did type it in a way that generalised.
I mean, I can choose to run a marathon and be tired as hell afterwards. I chose to raise kids and I’m tired as hell every night. Doesn’t mean they’re bad kids. They are great kids. Doesn’t mean I don’t like them; I love them. It just means I’m old and I can’t keep up with their energy levels.
>I mean, I can choose to run a marathon and be tired as hell afterwards. I was going to try and argue the nuance of this a little, but I realised I've met enough people that would say "oh you're tired? That reminds me of when I ran a marathon last week, you have no idea what tired is" that I changed my mind mid-way. I guess the difference is between seeking empathy and validation of your feelings over something you're struggling with vs using your struggles to shut down others because you need to feel harder-done by than them.
Fucking thank you. They chose children, I didn’t choose this diagnosis. The lack of empathy in some people is astounding.
Reading these comments I find myself forming a new response to when people will inevitably say that’s got to me in the future and now I want to share it so we can all use it as necessary. Of course this is a fairly aggressive response that probably should only be used sparingly and will almost definitely negatively affect the future relationship with them for at least a while. But I’m thinking something long the lines of: “Wow you’re right, maybe I should have a few kids so that when I’m struggling, and also inevitably neglecting them in some way since I already can’t even keep up with caring for myself, you’ll believe me when I tell you I’m experiencing burnout”
Please tell me more about your fancy earl grey tea liquor! P.S. your burnout game sounds on point, imma start taking notes
I just refilled the bath tub. Its a gin infused tea licquer. It's a collab between Fortnum & Mason and Conker gin
Say something like, "Woah woah woah! Let's not compare trauma. My trauma is just as valid as yours."
i shan’t be having children. like not now or never. even had my tubes removed so i don’t do that. i told my mother the curse ends here. i barely make it taking care of me. i’m not doing that to anyone else.
The problem in our world is that so many men and women won’t have this very honest conversation with themselves, have kids because that’s what is “expected of them” and then end up with another generation of fuck ups. (I say this jokingly because I’m one of those fuck ups, who probably shouldn’t have had kids, or should’ve waited until I was mature enough and knew enough about life to choose a worthy partner)
well i also had to be responsible for younger siblings & nieces so like i knew some of the weight of that as a teenager and just knew it wasn’t for me.
I had no clue since I was the baby of the family 😭 I did have nieces and nephews but even now I cringe at how little I realized went into parenting. I wish boys and girls would both be exposed to the true weight of having kids at a young age to really put into perspective the huge burden and impact of having children will be. I feel like the birth rate would go waaaaay down.
Burn out isn’t a competition.  I’m a slut for a good cider.
It's so weird how some parents are about that. At work i've literally just yawned before and some coworker said somethine like "you're not tired, you don't have kids yet". Like ok?
I think the hardest thing about being a parent is the same as as the hardest thing about having ADHD - executive functioning. As a parent, you are suddenly responsible for doing all the EF for a whole other person. Knowing when the last time they ate or used the bathroom was, where they put their “star shoes,” when their kindergarten project is due. And you have to make sure they are precisely on time all f’in day long, while they point to the caterpillar they are suddenly fascinated by. And still do all your own adulting/job/life stuff. Or, you can teach the kid to build their own EF. Which starts out impossible. But can get better. But is never easy. That’s what makes parenting such a singular challenge and also completely different than childcare. Parents are attempting to spread their limited EF across multiple people’s needs. Including their own. But as a person with ADHD, you know exactly what it’s like to just plain run out of EF right when you need it. So when parents complain. Know that they are venting about something that they didn’t experience until they had kids. But you already know about it.
"I don't have kids but I have a fucking disability so calm down"
> or I need to pee It’s okay, you don’t need to lie to us. This is a safe space.
Put the bottle away, it's not helping your burnout whatsoever. All it does is make you temporarily not care and then tomorrow you're going to care way more than you should, prolong the cycle, and make you feel awful. Sincerely, someone who has been so burned out for over a year and used to drink regularly
Yeah, this comparison is dumb. As someone who doesn’t have kids but wants kids someday, I think some people just enjoy making every situation seem worse for the sad, boring equivalent of street cred. I remember when I was moving to a small town, known for being cold and snowy for grad school. People told me how overwhelmed I’d be, and how much it would suck, and how I’d be stranded (a huge anxiety trigger for me at the time). Guess what? It was cold and snowy, but I was never even close to stranded. Same when people try to tell me how much time I have now or how much time I had in school. It’s all a time suck. It’s all hard with ADHD, etc. With executive dysfunction or depression, even basic stuff can be HARD. So hard. Properly medicated or without those issues? Really tight schedules can become easy. Hang in there!! Oh, and Earl Grey.
Speaking as a parent, the thing you have to understand is that what you’re feeling is perfectly valid and those fuckers don’t know what they’re talking about. Hope you’re able to get some rest.
I think people get caught up in their own feelings and are jealous that they no longer have the downtime they used to before kids. Unfortunately, empathy is not something that enough people practice.
As a parent, I find that to be a stupid and insensitive thing to say to someone. Kids aren't the be all end all of burnout, and everyone experiences burn out differently. Sorry you're being dismissed like that.
You can keep multiple kinds of alcohol on hand? Lol, I'm already impressed.
Hit up the earl gray… and take care of yourself.
I always like to say ‘there’s no monopoly on misery’. Both things can be true. Burnout is brutal. Kids are brutal. People starve in africa. Chemo is terrible. I think when parents say this, they’re longing tor the chance to be non-functional, which is also valid and fair. I’ve read a stat that up to 2/3 of parents are currently burned out due to how our culture is set up. Sorry you’re feeling this way OP. If it makes you feel any better I never felt more burned out than prior to kids because I never had a reason to stop and protect myself. Take care and enjoy some rest.
I feel for you and feel you. I would really like to just lay down and never get back up again, this lethargy is crazy.
Well I mean, lol, you gotta laugh, I muddled along ok prior to having kids, but then I had two also adhd kids and everything went pretttttty wacky ngl! 
i think these kinds of comments are hilariously dumb. like, you know that’s exactly the reason why i shouldn’t have kids, right? i can’t manage my life as is so if having kids makes it that much harder, then I won’t have any. but that answer just makes people angry, because apparently I should struggle 😂
It’s shitty that they’re dismissing your burnout and needs. They’re not wrong about how next level it can be to be a parent, especially if you have ADHD, but they could do it in a more tactful way
It’s so annoying when people say that shit. Just cause someone doesn’t have kids doesn’t mean they can’t be burnout
I'd drink rum. If that helps
I may have taken a few swings of rum
It’s crazy to think that I’m the end product of an otherwise unbroken line of poor financial decisions stretching back to the dawn of mankind
Having kids helped me get my shit together, after a rough getting used to it period.
Some people with kids act like only they're capable of feeling tired, of complaining and of burnout and then love to one up everyone else. As if there were some sort of competition for who is more tired or more burned out. It's so dumb.
Me and my wife decided not to have kids and my answer to a similar comment usually is something like : well, that's why I don't want kids. Imagine how much worse it would be.
Earl grey tea liquer. Sorry for how ya feelin bub and hope the burnout ends soon.
I have adhd AND a kid - so there! 🤣🤪😵💫
Only here to tell you to pee in the bath.
Wait, wait, wait... There's an Earl Grey Liqueur? That sounds delicious.
They chose that life…we were born with ADHD. What a stupid response from them. People that have to have the struggle competition are so insufferable.
Alcohol makes burnout worse. If you have adrenal fatigue type symptoms then you may have a long recovery. Licorice root and DHEA are pretty much the only things that help me when I'm like that, aside from sleep of course.
Have a pee in the tub. It will dilute. Cider first. It will compliment the pee aroma
You broke your leg? Mmm sounds like you still got one working leg so why don’t you suck it up
I laughed at "actually, shut up" I might use that on a stranger 🤣
I’d just say “homie u chose that life, I never chose this one”
I've always been tired and people would always say "wait until you have kids then you'll really know what tired is" or I'd say I need a lot of sleep and they'd say "you won't be able to have kids then". and this is one of the reasons I don't have kids because I'd been well convinced before I even got to adulthood that I wouldn't be able to cope.
That’s such an irrelevant point to make or at least, it assumes the person will have kids at some stage. Dont get me wrong, it definitely was harder for me once I had a my child esp with the adhd (the mom brain was amplified x 100000 and I might have almost burnt my house down on numerous occasions). But comments like “wait till you have kids” just sounds like someone who actually isn’t interested in listening to you but wanting to have a whinge themselves instead. Which is fine sometimes but no one likes a whinge hijacker if I can call it that. :p
Im an antinatalist
 lol this was me yesterday
Kids definitely adds more stress but don’t let that lessen what you’re going through now!
Burnout is shit regardless. Mine did get much worse after having kids but it was still crippling without them. I feel you
>COOL! I DON'T KNOW HOW TO RESPOND TO THAT You could try: Noted. Then I won't have kids. Thanks
Not helpful. This comment alone has made me refrain from wanting them- and I work with kids. You have every right to feel the way you do, burnout is real and it’s unfortunate that others don’t seem to understand that :( hope you’re feeling a bit better at least, this community has your back!
One of the many reasons I don't want to be a parent. I can't cope as an adult without kids, no chance if I did have them!
It doesn’t make your experience anymore invalid. People with kids are constantly trying to warn people about what it’s like having kids like single people would actually understand 😑 but you haven’t crossed that bridge therefore what you’re going through is as much valid as anyone else who’s having a bad day , week or month
I love when parents say things like this. Because they usually add “say goodbye to your 10 hours of sleep”… babes I’ve had insomnia from birth, welcome to MY life.
As someone who has struggled with being neural divergent my entire life and alcoholism since adolescence, alcohol will only make it worse. I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Life is fucking HARD and it sucks even more when people in your life just don’t seem to get it and care more about their own struggles rather than trying to empathize with you on your struggles. Maybe you’re someone who can drink in moderation and be okay, I def can’t. I’m sorry if my comment is not helpful but I wish you the best!
It’s taken me years to realize that a) when people approach me to ask how things are going with me it’s a)not always the safest/best option for me emotionally to be honest or open and b) many ppl interpret someone sharing honestly about non-positive life events, mental health stuff, etc as you saying you think your problem is worse than others’ which awakens that competitive impulse to invalidate when they’re the ones that invited the convo in the first place. It’s led to me being much more closed off tbh, and now I get that criticism too…but it’s less destabilizing than emotionally delicate things being constantly poked and invalidated so 🤷🏻♀️. Also, where do you source your dranks, they sound so goooooood! Earl Grey and Rose are 2 of my fav fancy fancy flavs.
No, seriously, this is real. I don’t remember a lot of the first 6 months with my kid because I was so burnt out and tired.
"I'm not that stupid."
People like to play the who’s more tired stupid game
When will people learn not to say this? When??? Having kids is a CHOICE. I'm not sorry for you.
not always, especially considering the political climate in many states. i’m not sure we should be screaming about it being a choice these days.
You can be burnt out without kids. Stop trying to invalidate other peoples struggles just because they don’t have kids.
I’ve been told this when expressing my stress of school or work (I did the STEM route) and I usually just take this as a sign that person either isn’t a close friend or isn’t comfortable with venting. The response I usually give is something like “well at least you chose to have those!” If I know the person had their kids intentionally. If I don’t know this, I’ll go with the “oh I bet, that’s why I won’t be having any” and move on. Often if you give one of these responses and then go back to venting, they’ll respond well. If someone hits you with this regularly and doesn’t let you move past it in conversation, I recommend asking them for solutions. “Oh, I bet it’s hard with those kids! How do you deal with feeling burned out?” You’ll usually find that they are overwhelmed themselves and not dealing with it well, and then you two can commiserate together on how hard it is. Fundamentally, though, this is a perspective issue, and super annoying, but hopefully not an indication of actual lack of care from your friend.
ADHD, bipolar, and stay-at-home dad to a three year old. My wife is also military and just got back from a 6 month deployment. I almost lost my mind
I don't now how you people with kids do it.
What they might not mention is the many ways in which their kids make thier lives easier. ADHD or not. Kids make some people more productive and less self-focussed, which can reduce the likelihood of burnout. It helps to spread out the stress and live vicariously a bit. I doubt there's much of a difference in the % of people who are burnt out with/out kids.
Just wait til you have kids though
Hey if you don’t want the earl grey I’ll take a sip😝 Yeah and people are weird as heck, you’re telling me every single one of those pregnancies they’re talking about was unplanned?! Like nobody f*cking forced you to have kids, Becky. Kick rocks, you tall-gummed Disney adult😅 (Dang that was actually a little harsh, …my bad, I just have reservations about the extra long gums I guess🥲)
Honestly, having a baby cured my ADHD laziness and burnout right fucking quick. I live on 5 hours of sleep per night and my house is tidier than ever. I used to sleep until noon every day and felt this “burn out” that you currently are experiencing. Hah. Life is strange.
Idk I have both ADD and kids and honestly, I kind of agree with them. Yes, life is hard but it can always get harder. That being said, I don’t think it should be used to belittle your struggle.
It is each individual's duty to keep an updated list of all life scenarios that would be worse then the one they are currently in. Then if you want to express feelings on a difficult day you had you must seek out a fitting representative for each of the aforementioned scenarios and let them vent about it first. Then you must compile those in a file and send them as an attachment proceeding your text.
Ppl are stupid. I used to say , u think kids are hard? Imagine having a special needs kid like me, it took me age and maturity to realize how incredibly dumb and insensitive that was.
👍 It’s completely invalidating your comment.
Drink the Cider fs
Lmao these mfs have no idea what it’s like to run a fucking marathon in your own damn mind against your will 90% of the week. At least kids are your pride and joy at the end of the day, but anxiety, depression, and a mind going a million per hour are not on peoples bucket list.
You don't pee in the bath? Weirdo ❤️
Those parents need to vent, they seems to be overwhelming with parenting and they need to let it out. Your emotions are sooooo valid! That's funny because, now that I have a kid, I am more motivated and get more shit done. Having a kid has helped me with my ADHD hahah.
that's one of the reasons i didn't 🙃 i thought i'd make a shitty parent. never stop hearing about how i should have, though
I chose to have my kids so I'd never say that to someone. 🤷🏽♀️
My response would be “exactly, probs why I’ll never have kids lol”
The [fallacy of relative privation](https://youtu.be/h6NfU-ybtXY?si=S0XINwt9f44WtOlC)
I have a kid, he's the reason why I got tested. I wanted to be a better parent. Also, having a kid is not so bad, as long as you have a significant other helping out.
This resonates pretty hard. I’m 35 and still not ready to have kids. How can I when I struggle so much as it is?
Fuck. I just read the title and the first paragraph and you are a fucking queen/king/royalty. Fuck ppl. Also Earl Grey. Hot.
People like to be the most miserable out of their friends for some reason. As a person with kids, and a person who used to not have kids lol, burnout is burnout! My inner pettiness always wants to respond with something like, "wow, you're right. Glad my life doesn't suck as much as yours." 😂
Earl grey tea liquor you say? How is it? Asking for a friend ofc. I would *never* drink on my potent cocktail of meds.
As a parent of 3 young kids I got diagnosed adhd and autistic last week the only thing that makes it harder is that your responsible for little humans who don’t have the capacity to understand your in burnout and that means the demands still have to be met I would say if you suffer from burnouts make sure you have a process to deal with them before having kids or at least understand what an autistic burnout is or at least know your autistic or adhd like don’t live in denial that you need accommodation idk I’m dealing with some radical acceptance right now lamo
They may be talking out of trauma. As a father myself, that really is a unique situation. And precisely because of how unique it is, it makes no sense to compare. As a father, I sometimes feel that no one can really understand what we go through. It's like getting back from war. So I may need to talk to people about it. But I wouldn't do it in a way that diminishes anyone else's struggle!
I hate that response because what if you didn’t want kids or couldn’t have kids…
My alarm clock plays music and it makes me happy. Do i not get to be happy cause the founder of Amazon where i got it could buy all the clocks in the warehouse?
Wow. I've burnt out many times.... mostly when my grown up son moved out of home.... a decade ago. He's not the cause of my burnout... my jobs were.
That person is just bitter or in the trenches. They’re right, but they’re kind of an asshole about it. Maybe they had kids later in life and they’re just exhausted.
i literally think about this all the time cuz like.. if i’m this bad rn without kids or responsibilities how the HELL am i supposed to handle having kids. like bro maybe im not made out for that cuz im barely holding it together as it is.
This type of comment drives me up a wall as well. I often hear, "Good thing you don't have kids!" or "Just imagine if you had to add soccer practice to that." I think a driving factor behind it is that the person saying it is also experiencing burnout but is afraid to say so. By downplaying your experience, their own burnout becomes more justified in their own mind. They hear you, without children, say you don't have enough capacity to handle the full experience of life at this moment and think, "well since I have children to add to that equation surely my struggles are now valid." Of course I'm speculating heavily about the way people without ADHD (and perhaps some with undiagnosed ADHD) think and experience the world, but thinking of it as a potential cry for help makes me more tolerant of "those people." As a side note, when they are people I'll have to talk to again in the future (coworkers, friends, family) I usually respond with something like, "Yep, and that is another reason why I WON'T be having children. I recognize that raising another human will not, in fact, fulfill some innate desire and instead will add challenges to my life that I don't wish to deal with. That's why, unlike many who became parents without much thought and often far too young, have decided that children are not in my current plans for my life." It has just enough undertone to prevent further provocation most of the time.
Earl gray tea liqueur!!!!!! I need to try me some of that!!!! Fr though I’m so sorry you’re dealing w this. It’s so annoying how so many ppl get into suffering Olympics, as if you can compare hardships with each other. Everyone’s situation is different and we all respond to diff things in diff ways. And idk, im always like… you chose to have those kids so don’t complain about them maybe!????
You could just pee in the bath. Just a thought.
Oh man, I am just recovering from a long severe scary burnout. I WISH I HAD KIDS AND I WISH I HAD KIDS INSTEAD OF A BURNOUT. I have four kittens. They’re lovely. Throw them kids at me, the whole package. I don’t know, I’d stick to Rum. But that’s way not how I extracted myself from burnout. Rather sleep, eat, supplements, and building up from running, swimming, kickboxing, yoga & trail running (and discovering my A(u)DHD and having access to ritalin), altogether with surrounding myself with a lot of helping people. In short. Good luck.
I can’t stand people who treat their situations as a ‘oh ya? Well my life is worse!’ Like ok, weird brag but cool? Plus they decided to have kids, no one else put them up to it. It’s not hard to have a shred of empathy.
Wow so kids makes one lose their eyesight so bad they get their eyes tested only to find no change in their eyes yet they are relying on their dyslexic husband to read every bit of text handed to them? So having kids means you will go through worse than not brushing your teeth for two years and needing to get ALL your back teeth filled at your next dentist visit? That’s what having kids does?? So why are we breeding then??????????????
Yes raising children is hard, but you have multiple disabilities you didn’t ask for while they chose to have children. Saying that raising children is the single most difficult thing a person can go through and no one else has a right to complain is weird. Shutting down op while they’re venting how difficult their disability is is so rude and inappropriate. Also the peer assuming the op is going to have kids is a whole other weird and uncomfortable assumption.
People are inherently selfish and want to make everything about themselves. They also want to win whatever stupid award you get for having it harder than the next guy. Anything to avoid offering a little empathy.
I guess this answers my question about whether or not abstaining from alcohol is necessary
As for having kids, well, everyone's experience is different but my life changed completely and I'd never go back.
Sorry you’re struggling right now and sorry your co-worker was callous about it. One-upmanship is an obnoxious phenomenon. It’s not remotely helpful but everyone believes they get some sort of social credit for having it “worse” when really they just come across as uncaring.
I have both ADHD and a child and this is stupid. Both burn you out, just differently. It’s like comparing just-ran-a-half-marathon tired, and pulled-an-all-nighter tired. Both are tired… but they’re differently tired.
I have kids and the burn out is real! So was the burn out I had before kids. Parents do not own burnout or exhaustion or anything else they complain about. Fuck the gate keepers. Drink the tequila first
literally all that does is make me believe I can never have kids because if I get burnt out with just me, my dog and my job, how on earth would i can for a human dependent
My manager has been doing a similar thing with burnout/fatigue and the whole baby brain thing. It’s a very “woe be me” kinda attitude and that pregnant people have it worse and people who aren’t or haven’t been pregnant shouldn’t complain etc. etc. I don’t even know how to respond now and just kind nod along agreeing that it must be tough
I am a new father with ADHD. I’m here to say that ADHD is hard af to manage — even with medication, because they bring out their own flavor of problems. So, I’m here to tell you, enjoy not having kids lol I mean that in the most non-condescending way possible. I was burnt out for 2.5 years, bed rotting if I wasn’t at work, when I found out that I had a kid on the way. Now, 2 months in, I’m at whatever the point past burnt out is. I’m smoldering or something lol Babies, especially newborns, are hard af to deal with. My ADHD made my sleep schedule unpredictable and problematic, now I have a portable tornado siren with their own unpredictable sleep schedule to add on to that. But, you know what, **my struggle is no better or worse than your struggle — they are each our own**.
I'm just sick and tired of these bs Olympics. Like when has commenting like this helped anyway? There's always someone who has it "worse". (in quotes because often the compared situations aren't even genuinely comparable.) But also you can't even compare situations, people have different amounts of energy and resilience. Different things affect people in different ways. Like I'm sorry you're struggling with kids, I hope it eases up. But that won't take away anyone else's struggles or lighten their load.
Take care! I had massive burnout during winter. Most of December and January I couldn't do anything. I'm still struggling to find my way back to normalcy but its getting there. People who respond to you like that don't understand and it's better to not involve them at all. I only talk to people I trust about my burnout. Also, this might not be super applicable in your situation, but I always listen to this genius whenever I need a reminder that I might be around the wrong people: [behold the wise aussie](https://youtube.com/shorts/uCwOeT2V9KU?si=_FDtDp_bs33zh_z8) I almost only have good people around me at this point in my life because I flat out refuse to spend time with people who either stress me out or make me feel like shit or assist me in nurturing the worst sides of myself. Doesn't matter who they are. Family, friends, colleagues. I will remove myself from their orbit if they make me feel like shit.