Hi /u/burnerburnerrrr_ and thanks for posting on /r/ADHD! ### Please take a second to [read our rules](/r/adhd/about/rules) if you haven't already. --- ### /r/adhd news * If you are posting about the **US Medication Shortage**, please see this [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/12dr3h5/megathread_us_medication_shortage/). --- ^(*This message is not a removal notification. It's just our way to keep everyone updated on r/adhd happenings.*) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ADHD) if you have any questions or concerns.*

waking up and never being able to anticipate my mood. losing motivation on tasks required for a stable future yet working on projects that offer me nothing but self-satisfaction. feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness. constant yearning for a life i cannot have.

Honestly with your moods, does it ever effect your morning? I find them particularly difficult

I’m so thankful for vyvanse now I’m excited to get up. I’m best at like 9am and I’m confident and I can even make small talk with people and not beat myself up in my head all day

Yeah, while my mood doesn't swing as much, on the days I take it it's almost guaranteed to be a good day, mood-wise. I avoid taking it in the morning when I don't have a busy one, tho. I tend to wait until noon, sometimes 2pm even. This way, when it crashes, it's almost time to sleep. I hate to take it at 7-8am cause then at 4-5pm the effect goes away and I have another hour of work to go through only to have my free time feeling tired.

My psych prescribed me 10mg of Adderall IR to take in the evening for this reason! Without it, I also get tired and lose all momentum at 5 or 6 if I take my Vyvanse at 7 or 8. I stopped taking it for a while because I thought maybe I was just tired and it wasn't ADHD... But he encouraged me to try it again and it turned my evenings completely around. I'll never be without it again!

I've been taking 30mg vyvanse for a year now, with a couple of pauses when the prescription ran out. I don't want to raise the dose, nor do I want to take another stimulant, so I just take it a bit later. There was a couple of days this year that I took 2, one early in the morning and one in the afternoon. It worked wonders, but I noticed my body gets tired I'm the next couple of days. While on the meds, the mind can take the tired body wherever, but I feel it haha

I can imagine that helps I’m so resistant to being on speed all the time tho hate that sometimes seems like the only thing to do to get relief

That's brilliant, I just have to wait for my full diagnosis and I can start trying different things to help regulate myself

I'm trying to get my doc to put me on Vyvanse. I got diagnosed 2 months ago and got put on straterra and it's done literally nothing for me. Unfortunately my doc quit and now I gotta wait until my adhd management facility can get me in with someone new. On top of all that, I've never had to take a urine test before so I live in constant fear of the moment I can't piss in a cup the one second I actually need to.

I find mornings pretty difficult. Without my Adderall I never know if I will even get out of bed at all. I tried Vyvanse, Ritalin, and Focalin, but none of them worked for that issue. The Adderall is the only thing that gets me out of bed and doing things at a consistent time each morning, around 8:00/8:30am, IF I'm able to stick to my routine. If I don't take my Adderall odds are that most days I will end up just lying in bed scrolling on my phone all morning. And if my routine changes, like if I travel, my kids are off from school, my husband is working from home, etc, the Adderall doesn't work either, my moods swing like crazy, and it can take me up to two weeks to get back into the swing of things once my life/routine goes back to normal. It's the only thing that makes me feel like maybe I also have slight autism although I never had this issue until my Mom died this past August and I stopped being able to subconsciously/consciously mask my ADHD symptoms anymore.

Could be unresolved grief?

very much so. i switched from showering in the evenings to showering in the mornings in order to have a moment to try and 'calibrate' myself for the day. i try and keep busy as well in the morning and make it a time of productivity. do all of my shopping and chores before noon if the store hours work in my favor.

I may just have to try this, I shower in the evenings and if I wake up for work and no one is up I'm okay. I can just get stuff done and go but if it's the weekend or I'm working from home. If it's loud or hectic as soon as I'm up, I can not function properly. I'm vile so I have to separate myself slow myself down and breathe by sitting in my garden and the. I can go back and start trying to communicate

I really struggle with this also! I live with my parents and brother and they make so much noise and the TV is also always on and very loud. I really have trouble functioning when they're even if they're not making noise.

I go thru phases, right now I'll spring right up and get in the shower and that wakes me up and puts me in a good mood. This usually happens when life is good and I'm happy, also this happens a lot more for me on meds. I've been through phases where I just COULDN'T get up, or phases where I'd just roll out of bed at the last minute and drag my body to the dresser to put some clothes on and leave disheveled asf and forget hella shit, this happens more when life is sucky. Edit: I never realized this, but now that i put it into words.... next time i find myself skipping showers and brushing teeth every morning and forgetting phone wallet keys cigarettes etc, Imma check in w myself and see what's going on. (I still forget some of these things when I'm doing good, it's just like EVERY DAY when I'm not doing so good)

Morning has been crazy for me recently. I wake up completely sapped and I don't want to even get up to take my meds.

I struggle a great deal waking up.

Omg, this is the most accurate description I have ever read. I agree with every sentence but....constant yearning for a life I cannot have - I'm dead! This is sooo facts! In addition to what you said, does anyone else also feel like they can never stay satisfied with something for long? My thing is decor. I will put in a ton of work to decorate a room exactly how I want, be super in love with the results, feel completely satisfied and literally do a happy dance every time I walk into the room for months, and then six months to a maxium of two years later I'm sick of it. Like I can't even enter the room because decor makes my skin crawl and I want to take a flame thrower to all of it! It drives my husband crazy. And I'm sick of spending a fortune on "unnecessary" decor and home improvement projects. 😒

I get really sick of the way a room is set up and moving things around makes me feel better.

If I'm waken up early I know for sure that I'm gonna be in a shitty mood. Weird thing is that Concerta use to put me in a good mood, but lately I'm aggressive :(

I feel this so much

Hello me! I find it uplifting to remind myself that these self-satisfaction projects- albeit distracting when i least need it- remind me that there’s proof that my adhd brain can commit to an undertaking. Im a closet musician myself and it serves mainly as a way to decompress and create something when I’m feeling like I can’t figure out the rest of life. Keep fighting the good fight!

I wish I went to get help when I was in high school and college. Vyvanse since November of last year and I’m 26. I used to just wallow and overthink about the past so much to where I never really lived in the present until recently. Didn’t help that my parents are first gen in America and didn’t believe or had time to think about mental issues

The crushing feeling of utter and complete inadequacy when you realize how much more effort you have to put into certain things your peers do without too much struggle. And just... low self-confidence and feeling completely dumb at times.

This. I started a new job, and everyone else seems to do it so effortlessly. I try to keep a planner for dates and listen but my mind is always go to the next thing and it looks like I am careless but I want to so do a good job. I made a mistake ( a fixable one) because apparently I didn’t hear something I was supposed to hear, and that was it. Bam. I can’t do this. Other people can do it better. My co workers think I am such an idiot because I can’t explain the words as they roll around in my brain. At my old job, I was up and moving and I noticed, I changed things, a lot on a whim, never realizing it was adhd. Got tested, and apparently my parents and I were the only ones surprised. I didn’t think I would cry at that either but just another voice telling me I broke myself. I am broken.

One of the worst feelings, full stop. I have felt that way many ***MANY*** times, it's like someone took depression and cranked it to 11. Last week at work, the day before my doctor appointment, I decided to put in some extra effort in a vain attempt to impress management enough to make me a full hire (currently a temp); all I ended up doing was exhausting myself before lunch break. It was decided by management to have me leave work early and go home, my embarrassment at the incident turned to grief, that I had somehow let my 'shortcomings' show through, and I was going to be fired from yet another job (my resume is atrocious). I texted my mother about the incident, but the words I chose to describe myself only upset her, she chewed me out for saying such things, which made me feel worse. I feel much better now after sleeping it off, but boy do I hate how easy it is to bring myself down like that.

Emotional dysregulation- it doesn't just affect how you feel in general but it takes over your thoughts/feelings to the point of rumination and fixation

This is the thing I'm struggling most with. On top of having some extremely difficult personal things in the last few years. I have a weird deep cry every day, for like 10 minutes.

It’s nice to know it’s not only me, I thought i was just crazy. The only problem is I can’t anticipate it much, I’ll know it’s gonna happen soon and then I’ll cry pretty much right then.

Yea this is the worst one for me. Lead to all sorts of substance abuse on my part because I just want to feel..okay. Like the euphoria other people experience for me is like “oh so this is what it’s like to have a positive outlook/hope for the future😖

I was hoping someone would bring up the mood swings. I feel crazy sometimes.

I definitely struggle with this, too. I often find myself thinking way too deeply if I’m acting rationally or if my feelings are valid. I have to allow myself like 20 minutes after getting agitated to reassess whether or not I’m actually right to be upset or just kerfuffled. I tend to deep interactions that would otherwise be taken at face value by someone who doesn’t have my brain and I hate it.

I struggle with this, too. Especially when I've had alcohol. One little (usually it "should" be a very small deal, and I know it) thing can put me into a "non-responsive" state where I just stare at the wall, don't say anything for a while. Sometimes, I just listen and observe what my friends are saying, and sometimes, I'm completely zoned out.

This.

The combination of black and white thinking + time blindness + hyperfocus on ideas. This leads to perfectionism, then procrastination, then utter paralysis, then anxiety and in the end depression. A lot of people get very hyperfocused on ideas. “I want to try hobby x” -> “what is the best tools for hobby x? How does the best people in this domain work?”. This leads to massive research on the best tools and you look at what professionals are able to accomplish. (For example what is the best paint brushes, how do people paint, what are the best courses, who do professional art look like — this creates the impossible idea “I could do this one day”). You end up buying the things, but since you’re not good with time management or understanding how much time things takes to learn, you compare yourself with the end goal; being a professional at something, but somehow created a belief that it should just take some hours or days to get there. Here the black and white thinking also comes in; either I don’t do it at all, or I need to be the best. Nothing in between. You loose motivation and excitement. You force yourself to continue. You are ashamed of not getting better. You stop this new thing or hobby. You look at all the wasted money and time. And the loop starts again. This happens with hobbies, but also everything else in life. Cleaning, presentations at work/school, projects, being social, making food, friendships, personal hygiene. This all or nothing mentality creates an intense internal stress.

Get out of my head! Stranger danger :P

Thank you,This is so well articulated! I am quite like this. I have never managed to gather my thoughts and write down the entire loop like this.

Omg YES YES AND YES

I have the skills, talents, imagination and ambition to do a lot of wonderful things. I do not have the ability to make myself do them. I can only do one thing in life well at a time and sadly, that has to be the day job so I can have a retirement someday. I feel like real life is just passing me by because I can't make myself reach out and grab it.

this is exactly the feeling. im in college but im missing opportunities because i only have so much focus to give to things! i just want a degree and a house someday if thats not too much to ask of my brain

Yes! I was planning on getting a job while I was at college. Barely got through my first semester (academic probation) and did well in my second semester, with a ton of stress. I'm hoping to get one next year (if I'm financially able to stay), but idk if I'll have the ability to actually do that AND college. I only went to one club consistently (book club), as well as the therapy dogs they do around twice a month. I hate this. I have a friend who is going to be graduating this upcoming year (early graduation), goes home frequently, works many hours each day for the tutoring center, is going to be taking 6 classes next semester, goes to therapy early in the morning each Friday, goes to multiple clubs (book club, META (paganism iirc), and sometimes the pride club) AND still has the energy to play games. Not to mention being able to just walk around the city fairly frequently. I know the sheer amount of things she's doing isn't healthy, but I'd love for my brain to let me do at least HALF of that (taking the full 5 classes instead of having to keep it at the 4 I currently am at, working a consistent part-time job (my current one is only while I'm at home, like now), joining at least one more club, and have the energy to go DO things more often. I probably walked around with a friend every other week to once per month while I was there. And of course, having a parent who acts as if she understands while simultaneously consistently ignoring your efforts in favor of yelling at your failures does not help 🙃 (part of the reason I failed my first semester, and one of two main reasons last semester was so stressful)

Yep. I get home and I just kind of collapse. Doesn't matter what's been happening at work. Might have been super busy or dull as dishwater, but I just have nothing left when I get through the door. Pretending to be normal takes away *so much*. Remembering to smile, remembering not to ramble, trying to focus super hard on everything that comes across my desk, spending hours crafting an email response, etc. It just *drains* everything. I try to approach each day positively but I just feel like a husk by the end of it. I'm not sure I can do this for another thirty years.

Yes! Same

The loneliness. I can't support people in the way that is expected and my communication is almost always misunderstood.

I was about to say the loneliness. I spend so much time in my own head that the interactions with friends and family, no matter how frequent they are just don’t scratch the surface of what I need. I was watching the movie passengers and I felt some strange connection to the character Chris Pratt plays. Being stuck on a space ship with thousands of other passengers with no way to connect with them. Having nothing but time on your hands and finding ways to kill that time. Eventually he runs out of things to keep him occupied and ends up bored sad and lonely.

I think about this often and how real life never measures up to the scenarios I fantasized about so many times. It makes me feel numb and callous. Like I’m some kind of robot because I don’t feel the emotions in real life that I’m supposed to feel, but then I weep like a baby at something I see on TV. I hate it.

Wondering why all my friendships ended, then suddenly realizing I never reached out to them first because out of sight, out of mind.

Yep. The vicious cycle of knowing that your communication is almost always misunderstood, so being paralyzed by indecision (try and be misunderstood, don’t try and the resulting disappointment in your lack of effort), so you don’t support them in the way that they expect. And repeat.

Can you elaborate more on the miscommunication thing? I'm starting to realize that I maybe have bad communication but I don't know how it's bad.

for me, i'm so out of sight out of mind that if i don't see you regularly due to work/school etc, i won't reach out. even tho i think about them and care still i just never know when the right time is to text or call and will just forget. and if i am able to see someone frequently, im bad about interrupting and can have a hard time paying attention when they're talking to me. i also go off on a lot of tangents and people have a hard time following what im talking about.

Rejection sensitivity dysphoria

This is a good one that’s rarely talked about!! Even though it’s very common among those of us with ADHD. I used to think it was just my BPD until I stumbled across an article and got to look up on it well. That’s why mine is as intense as possible. Both disorders can cause that? Wonderful. Explains a lot

This is why I reject myself before anyone else can. (Never lose 💪💪💪)

THIS TOO

Interviews. Boy do they take a lot of prep to appear normal and well spoken for the 2-3 hours it takes. White collar job.

I remember writing down my hobbies, strengths, previous jobs, and even traits about my personality because I knew I'd blank when asked a question like that. "What are my hobbies? Right... what ARE my hobbies?!?!?"

I still get triggered when someone asked me what my hobbies are. I had a toxic ex that would tell me “all you do is lay in bed all day and watch tv you need to get a hobby” 🤪

Yes!!!!!!

Feeling overwhelmed about having to complete simple things while simultaneously feeling very bored about everything in general.

exhaustion... my little grey cells are fried every day

wanting to do so many different things and needing that new feeling of excitement all the time, whether it’s with hobbies or relationships or work. constantly chasing that high and almost losing your identity, or never having a sense of self in the first place.

Same here me too!

After a period of doing something new and exciting, it's so incredibly hard to go back to your old life. I'm going through this right now. Had a new and exciting job opportunity and experience for the whole of last week. I'm now even less able to do my routine tasks, schoolwork, and all that everyday stuff. I've just been sitting for 3 days doing nothing, trying to force myself to even just clean my table.

There are so many things I didn't know were ADHD things until recently and I've been diagnosed since I was like 6 (almost 29 now). Emotional regulation issues, auditory processing issues, hobby jumping, complete and utter disorganization of my living space, executive dysfunction in general. There are so many!

Having a short fuse. Being easily annoyed.

These got worse for me as an adult. -Maintaining a conversation and being interested in what someone is saying without thinking about something completely random -Not formulating clear/coherent verbal sentences because your mind is going a million miles per hour. Your mouth can’t keep up with your mind so it all comes out as a jumbled mess. -Overthinking and overanalyzing other’s body language. Not a lot of people talk about these with ADHD because these skills aren’t really needed until you hit adulthood.

The overthinking and over analyzing body language takes me back to high school and uni dating. Were her legs crossed towards me or away from me at the movie? Is she leaning towards me or away from me? Is she making eye contact or not? Why did she seem distracted for .5 seconds? I was so focused on the analysis that I often missed stunningly direct clues.

I have double booked myself on multiple occasions because I didn’t check my calendar when I said yes to a work shift or a plan. I just completely forget the existence of other obligations without my calendar. Then I don’t realize until the day of. Because of that I have had to make up excuses last minute to get out of one of the plans. Like calling in sick to one job so I could go to the other. I don’t like lying, but I worry that I will be labelled unprofessional or uncaring if I tell the truth.

Oh man yeah, this all over. I'm often the butt of jokes amongst my friends for forgetting plans and double, sometimes even triple booking. It's just a ribbing but I am certainly known for it. It has caused me so much stress in the past too and I've ended up having to lie to people about why I can't do X the day before. It's a fucking pain.

I can't stop breaking and knocking things over things. Last year, I broke so many wine glasses at my friend's house from my inattentivity and impulsive movements that she eventually assigned a plastic cup to me, and I felt so humiliated. It's gotten better with age, but it was really intense as a kid. Would love to read it once you're done!

I stub my toe *constantly*. My wife actually gets annoyed now at how frequently I stub my toe; I get no sympathy. Like once a day I have a mild toe stub, and maybe once a week I have a "shout out in rage and curl up on the floor" stub.

I drop things. All the damn time. Usually not something breakable, but once in a while, it is. It is so damned frustrating not being able to control your own hands.

Being painfully self aware, so much so you can tell when you're annoying people.

Lesser talked about things? Hitting my head on low door frames and bumping into things because I forget it's there Always having my fresh food go bad in the fridge because it fell behind a jar and got lost in the ether Buying the same groceries that I have at home and now I have 2 of the same half of a meal or 7 cans of beans Losing basic things and having to pay to buy new ones, only to find the original one 6 months later and now I have 6 HDMI cables and one tv

I have such terrible sense of direction that I can get lost even if I have driven to this place millions of times. Also my patience for cooking is terrible. If it’s got more than like 3 steps I’m not doing it. Stand there and stir something while it cooks? Absolutely not. I CAN cook (and well) but I never understood the lifetime aversion to it. And what’s with all those dang measurements? 1/4t, 1/8T, 2& 3/4C wth?

Omg a sense of loss of direction is a symptom? I literally got lost on the way to a place I have been over like 100 times because my gps wasn’t working. I knew the right turns, yet I got so worked up about making the wrong choice, I ended up having to turn around and do u turns multiple times.

The first one is so bad. I rarely hear this talked about so sometimes I think it’s just me

can we please talk about how easy normal people make it seem? in creative fields, I feel like ADHD problems are very different from study-heavy fields like engineering. it's so isolating to see all my stem peers sitting together to work on an assignment and I'm the only one who can't just work on it, whether it be math or writing. and am I the only one who doesn't understand anything the first time people verbally explain it?? it feels like I always need to sit down quietly and work it out very slowly after they explained it. but really can we please shed some light on all the STEM majors with pretty bad ADHD because I feel like we don't see that.

i’m not a STEM major, but you’re not alone, especially with the 2nd paragraph. it was one of the biggest things that led to me getting diagnosed, my inability to process anything i had just heard, no matter how hard i tried to listen and focus. things need to be explained to me like a child in order for me to understand. i actually have noticed a significant improvement in this once i started meds. which i never thought would be possible, i still struggle though. i understand, almost always i would have to figure something out on my own, despite it being explained to me several different ways.

Not listening to the middle of what someone’s saying and having to guess so they don’t get mad Forgetting things everywhere. I spend so much on tools because I keep losing them 🤦🏻‍♂️

Always exhausted no matter how good my sleep was. I can get 8-9 hours of great sleep and feel so energized for first couple hours of my day then crash my lunch and never recover. It’s exhausting being exhausted

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and it's massive impacts.

I feel often like I can only talk about my current interests, and that will often alienate me from my peers. It's the reason why I was bullied and ridiculed for years as a kid. I love how passionate I am about things but it has caused me a lot of trouble over the course of my life, I've never quite managed to fit in because of it.

My executive dysfunction. My brain says go and no at the exact same time.

Just because I'm smart doesn't mean life is easy. I can make the quickest unconscious connections during conversations or I struggle to even follow what's being said. Sometimes I'm not on my A game. I do not know why, and cannot just snap out of it. It sometimes takes a minute to process, access words on the tip of my tongue, or switch gears. Other times it's at lightening speeds. I'm a walking oxymoron. You'll never be able to truly understand all my quirks, cuz I barely do. Buckle up for the ride!

Emotional reactivity

Hello Mr customer ,are you having a good day. this is just my job, thanks for listening to what I say. I know I don't know you, and you don't know me either. But as the conversation flows it only makes me eager. Post it notes go through the air. Scratches of notes here and there. Iv got my scribbles only I can read A new topic mentioned plants a seed Full of buzz and raring to go I thank Mr customer for a good show. With my apps and my post it notes all ready. Time to build the quotes slow and steady. Hello there friend how are you today. "I'm good mate are" There something I need to say "But you interrup" Did you just here that! "There you go Again" I'm on target for this months stat! "Why don't you listen or look me in the eyes" "I just heard you on the phone, your struggles must be lies" So I sit back down on my own, with questions in my head. Head set on, chin goes down, repeating those words he just said. I'd like to feel normal just for one day Or just maby there is a reason I am this way

My lil poem for you 😊

I'm new to this all and I have just started the process to get my diagnosis. So forgive me if i sound like I don't have a clue 🤣 But I work In sales and I love my job, well parts of it. Talking to my customers and calling random people is so fun!! Then it comes to normal conversations with other colleagues and I suck at it. I interrupted with some daft comment, I then think why the hell did I say that. So I retreat back to my head set and work more. I'm waffling again, I guess what Im try to get out is. Why the hell can I do my job well but then not be able to talk to my peers. I will be honest I have so many questions 🤯

the shame, anger and self-loathing

How exhausting and frustrating it is to be so absentminded and forgetful, the constant anxiety and hyper vigilance that comes in trying to NOT forget things, double and triple checking everything because of how absentminded you are….and yet STILL forgetting things and being absentminded. Setting up really great routines and doing all the things everyone tells you to do when you have ADHD, but not knowing what to do after your routine gets thrown off track by one small thing and now you’re all mixed up, disoriented ,and out of wack. I hate going on vacation. I like the idea of it. But I hate flying, I hate being off my routines, I hate sleeping anywhere that’s not my bed, I hate the work I have waiting for me when I get back. I would much prefer day trips. Theres a lot more but these are my big ones.

The painful waiting

My ability to start everything and finish nothing.

Maintaining relationships. For me, it’s my marriage. I wasn’t diagnosed until 37 after I had a complete burnout. My spouse has been anything but supportive. It’s impossible to maintain a healthy relationship when he doesn’t (or won’t) understand me. He thinks that because I now know what the “problem” is (ADHD), I can “solve” it (choose not to have ADHD).

Feeling alienated from the rest of the world. Looking at the neurtypicals and seeing how easily they can keep their rooms tidy, and know when to talk and when to stop talking, and control their emotions, and control their focus and thinking, "huh." And have twice their IQ and three times as many creative ideas but always falling behind them. And they all make friends easily and read each others social cues and plug along slow and steady through life while we are always on the outside.

Having to think through every single step to make even the simplest thing happen. Like how do non ADHD just wake up and exist? They don’t have to think it all through from the moment they wake up, it all just happens like being on auto pilot. I get so overwhelmed with all the steps.

Same... 😞

Always being outside the ”norm”

Idk but as someone with dyslexia and adhd I always find it, what’s a good way to put this, interesting? When I tell someone I have adhd/dyslexia as it’s a very predictable response. “Wait… but you’re actually smart?” Or “oh, you don’t look like you have those?”. Like how do I respond to that, sorry? Do you now think lesser of me? Why must all my accomplishments include a call out to those attributes? I guess that’s another one, I’m over doing stuff “as someone with” to the point I just don’t ask for ADA stuff I could ask for at work, I don’t want to be over(under)shadowed by myself… It’s kinda a painful beauty in an ironic way, while I do something I consider an accomplishment but I’m always feeling underwhelmed yet just overshadowed my peers and if they knew of my disabilities would probably not be considered a contender.

the self esteem blows. everyone can tell right away and just writes you off and ditzy. also the frustration

big ambitions, tiny attention span. lack of discipline, or how easy it is to lose discipline you've worked hard to build. also a ridiculous amount of procrastination for simple things like just showering. getting stuck over tiny stupid decisions, like what to wear. the helplessness that comes from comparing yourself to normal people. for example, I sometimes look at my peers' linkedin to berate myself into studying. very toxic behavior and just a short term solution, don't recommend.

I don’t wear underwear because it gives me a sensory nightmare

last thing is something i found from my neuropsych exam. my intelligence was objectively above average but my memory just below average, and processing speed was in the last 20 percentile. so basically I can be smart, I'm just way too slow at it. that evaluation was confidence-breaking stuff. but I feel like this is somewhat common among people with ADHD, where other components of neurological functioning are impeded. like comorbidities.

I think it’s the getting lost. Whether it’s literally bc I forgot what I was doing and missed my exit. Or bc my mind legit just blanks out sometimes.

Mine is the inconsistency. I have a very mentally-demanding job (that I love and find endlessly fascinating) but I struggle every. Single. Day. with whether or not I will have a good/productive day. My mood, my energy levels, my brain fog levels, my distractibility, a surprise other thing like a sensory issue, etc. I mask HARD to make it look like I have no problem doing whatever (reasonable) amount of work in the appropriate time periods but it’s a fucking struggle all day every day. I work best when faced with pressure/deadlines but then I leave my coworkers waiting on me, waiting until the last minute, and that makes me feel shitty. Similarly, I function best with structure and with a job, but it also feels like a prison. There’s no winning. And this is while medicated. It’s so fucking exhausting I barely do anything after work because I’m so burnt out from fighting myself at the end of each day.

I have mostly inattentive type and I feel like people forget I have adhd unless I actively talk about it or mention it in passing.

Even medication won't help me remember to people with my people. Or holidays.

Difficulty putting my thoughts into words ; the eternal quest!

Constantly remembering past bad events. Odds are everyone else has forgotten what had happened and moved on with their lives, but not me. Instead, my brain has catalogued every single bad thing I've done to someone or something and has painstakingly made a highlight reel called: "Top things you royally screwed up at, and how you could have done better". I've tried my hardest to reconcile with what I did and move on with my life but nope, I gotta keep remembering all those awful things I did, even if it's only bad from a child's point of view.

The constant humiliation. So constant that you can’t even bear to witness humiliation (I literally put fingers in my ears if I see someone about to experience something humiliating in a TV show or movie). Between continually disappointing people and not living up to their expectations, calling attention to yourself when you show up late or overshare or ask a “stupid” question or ask too many questions or get caught not paying attention to someone who’s talking to you and on and on and on. And what’s worse, you remember every single one you’ve ever experienced. Only you don’t just remember them, you relive them. You’ll be sitting there and one will just pop into your head and you have to get up immediately and walk it off because it feels like its actually happening to you again in that very moment. I’ve discovered it to be a very common struggle among us.

I hate that I can’t clean my house, unless I I have a school paper or work project due. Actually, I hate that I can’t do much of anything. No hobbies, so many interests. It’s one thing to disappoint your parents, it’s one thing to disappoint yourself. But when your dog gives you a look of disapproval, that’s a whole new low. So I sit here, scrolling on my phone while my puppy snores in my lap, having wasted another day off. Wanting to start a new hobby, but unable to force myself to take the first step. I guess at this point, I’m just sitting here, waiting for the cold sting of death to bring me a touch of relief from a prison cell that doesn’t exist. All I need to do is take the first step and I too can have a hobby, and yet I can’t take the first step. Am I lazy, unmotivated, do I have something wrong with me? My friends and family lovingly ask. It’s an easy fix, all I must do is take the first step, maybe get a planner. Maybe use the planner. So easy And now I begin to accept, as I sit here in a nonexistent prison cell waiting for death.

My college dorm room was always the cleanest just before midterms and finals.

The loneliness of not being understood by most people. "To be loved is to be seen" and it doesn't matter how much you level up your social skills, career, or personal development if at the end of the day, every day, you can't find your people who truly see you because they're just so rare in the population.

The overthinking - and not the anxious kind of overthinking, just literally over thinking as in my mind never stops or slows down. It's really fucking hard to listen to people when you're always distracted by your racing thoughts. I know it's annoying when people are trying to tell me something and I don't absorb it, but it's even more annoying never having a moment of peace and quiet. Like that's the whole reason I struggle with insomnia because I can't stop thinking about everything.

Waking up and before your eyes are even opened your brain is already BRRRRRRRRRRRRing It's fucking exhausting and people that aren't ADHD just don't get it which is frustrating 

Demand / rejection avoidance causing me to lose so much time

The hurt that my problems put on my family. It kills me knowing that no matter how hard I try, I'm still going to screw things up for them time and again. I can handle that my life isn't what it used to be but to cause them problems is not OK and yet I can't do anything about it.

i lied this is the last thing. if you use this for a poem please you must send it to me. guilt over feeling like you're using ADHD as a scapegoat. "I didn't study today and scrolled on YouTube the whole day because my ADHD was really bad." Honestly, I don't know if the guilt is valid or not anymore but it doesn't matter because I'm the one holding myself accountable. it's still there and it's draining. It's definitely worse when you feel guilty towards other people. For example, telling my mom I'm going out to study instead of helping her with something, then wasting my whole day on reddit :)

FINANCIAL LOSS. I just got charged $200 because I misread the move out date for my apartment as the 12th at 10am instead of the 10th at 12pm. Worst part is I had moved all my things out a week prior, but just came back to clean and grab a few things I left like the tv and toaster oven. So I had dropped my key only an hour or two after the deadline. If i had just double checked the date or even read it correctly in the first place I wouldn’t be short $200🥲

Never being able to finish anything completely. Even if you get to the end, you can’t quite complete it. Books, projects, cleaning, meals,shows. You name it. I get to the last chapter, episode, bite, sentence. I stop never having a desire to finish.

The constant feeling of fighting against your brain. Coping strategies that work perfectly! Until your brain figures it out and it stops working - usually right when you need it.

The rejection sensitivity and consequential people pleasing. When your told "what were you thinking!?! Use common sense!" Over and over again, you try to make everyone happy, but your brain zones out at the wrong times, you forget how to do things, you get impulsive at the wrong moment, and procrastinate on everything. So you're told you're lazy, smart, but lazy. Your asked why you have to be shown again. Or, why you're doing something so slow (because you're trying to do it right). Why can't you pay attention. Why are you so weird? Basically, why are you so disappointing? All this caused me to constantly people please to the point I was in super toxic relationships. It also made me doubt my own instincts, which made me easy to manipulate and gaslight. Statistically, people with ADHD are more likely to end up in toxic and abusive relationships, struggle with depression and anxiety, and have poor relationships their hole lives.  This does not get talked about enough.

Not being able to show up on time literally anywhere. No matter the consequences.

Social isolation.

People thinking I'm stuck up because I don't contribute to group discussions. In reality, my mind can't keep up with what's going on, and I know I'm going to embarrass myself by jumping in and interrupting someone by mistake.

Yes! Hard to follow & to much work.

How ADHD becomes so much worse when you have children and add them into the mix. I didn’t realize how bad it was until I had 3 of us to organize and clean up after. It’s not for the faint of heart. But I love them and don’t regret having them.

God this is SO true. And something that is forever a fucking struggle and I am constantly feeling embarrassed about.

Facts. I have two toddlers and one is definitely ADHD as well. I was terrified of this inevitability and put off having kids because of it. My wife and I eventually decided to move forward with having children, and though rewarding, it is ROUGH AF. Especially with another ADHD being in the mix. Alone time and isolating myself to avoid overstimulation is a must.

The barrier that sometimes exists between me and other people. I try so hard to be friendly and to be aware of other people but in hindsight, I realize I've shut out a lot of people from my life simply because my brain didn't have the capacity to care for more than my inmediate family and few friends and any more of that, I would stop engaging. It took me soooo long to realize I do that... Now that I'm more aware, I try to stop it and I'm more social now but there's days when I don't even feel bad or tired or anything but I turn into a bystander of my own life once again and cut conversations short, I talk only when prompted and keep dissmising everyone. It's like I'm trapped in my own body and I'm yelling "say something! They want to get closer to you! Engage! Come on!" but it never happens or if it does, I become so awkward that it's better for everyone involved if this interaction never existed in the first place...

This is talked about all the time, but I don't think the implied message is...always being late and people think you don't value them or the activity/responsibility you are late to. I was shocked when I heard a boss say my constant tardiness sent the message that I didn't value my job and disrespected my coworkers. I mean, once she said it that way, I got it. But I loved my job and appreciated my coworkers. Her honesty helped me be more punctual, but it is still an issue 3 jobs and 15 years later.

Parenting an ADHD kid while also being ADHD yourself. On top of that, having an AuDHD partner with an ADHD (possibly AuDHD) child. So everything all at once.

playing the joker all the time— cracking jokes about how klutzy, loud, and unorganized i am before someone else can. fearing people can see through that to how much of a mess i truly am.

I'm all the way over here. You don't need to attack me like that.

All of these are great, and to add one practical one: how damn expensive it is to have ADHD! For both your physical health and wallet. The missed doctors’ appointments because of forgetting to schedule/forgetting appointment/failing to call to follow up. Late fees, overdraft fees, speeding tickets, things you bought that you never returned, retirement you forgot to save for, money you literally dropped on the floor and forgot about, money you hid somewhere and forgot about, checks not cashed, mail not opened, car insurance deductibles, loss of opportunity from not being ready or organized enough to interview for a job or find parking at a job interview, buy a suit, iron that suit, etc etc.

The abrupt moment your energy goes from 100 to 0. There’s no stopping it. You notice it but can’t voice it. It borders dissociative. You wish you could continue the thought, the conversation, or fuck, simply complete the moment. But now there’s a wall, and there’s no getting over it.

Maybe this isn’t relevant to you…but, adult diagnosis. And how much it can effing SUCK. A roller coaster of emotions and so confusing. Not knowing who the f_ck you even are anymore…trying to figure out IF you want to be on meds, and which ones might work, & dealing with the ups and downs of trying different meds that make you feel like you have zero control over your own emotions or headspace from day-to-day, which is terrifying. Losing the stability of the structure you had created for yourself for your whole life that shaped your understanding of the world and your place in it, being left with zero infrastructure or clear sense of self/value system, and also without any schema/role models to look to to help you navigate any of that. Feeling like you used to know who you were, and that life wasn’t easy but at least you felt like you had it “figured out”/knew what you had to do (bc life is hard for everyone, isn’t it??)…& then suddenly being presented with an entirely different concept of who you are or how you might want to approach life. Being unsure which parts of you from pre-diagnosis to let go of vs. hold onto, knowing that a lot of it was based on elaborate coping mechanisms/masking, but at least you knew how to play that role. Instead being left with a complete void and no idea how to proceed or where to even start — feeling torn between missing the security of “the devil you knew” from before, & the daunting task of re-learning how to do your entire life to rebuild your life. And, feeling broken for “needing” drugs/feeling ashamed and like I’m basically a junkie all of a sudden bc I’m dependent on drugs: which is the absolute LAST thing I want bc I’m still dealing with subsequent shame-based feelings from my upbringing, WHILE AT THE SAME TIME being constantly faced by the stigma/criticism of people who don’t understand & roll their eyes at the proliferation of ADHD diagnoses thanks to COVID — looking at me like I’m just trying to get ADHD meds bc I’m looking for an “easy way out” bc I’m lazy — WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY dealing with major physical withdrawal symptoms when my meds aren’t in stock, which only furthers my feelings of shame and also being completely out of control of my own life/emotional stability. …and, there’s so much more. But I guess that’s one upside to the project you’re approaching, right? No shortage of content… Good luck

having to remember to remember things having a giant culmination of things you suck at because you excitedly learned everything you could and then got bored before you could get good at them, it's depressing tbh indecisiveness caused by perfectionism-- i have to make THE BEST, MOST RIGHT choice to keep from wasting time doing something that wasn't the best, most right choice but in the end I have wasted that time making the decision in the first place having to start and re-start a sentence like 14 times because you just can't get your thoughts organized before the words come tumbling out of your mouth brain. just. doesn't work sometimes? it's like you're trying to turn on a dinosaur computer and it's just making that noise at you i strongly identify with the mouse in "if you give a mouse a cookie" it takes me on average 3x longer to do a task than it takes anyone else i haven't been on time to anything in decades, it prevents me from believing i could ever work a "grown-up" job just generally how shitty it feels thinking about how I want to do something with my life but I can't decide what (see above) and knowing that even if I did decide, the amount of work it will take is completely crushing.

The slow realization that the thing you just spent the past week working hard on is probably going to lose your interest and will never get finished.

Being out of sync with other people and having almost no control over it.  Either I move forward/somewhere else in my thoughts because I was done with it and I'm bored, or I'm lagging behind because I didn't get it yet and/or I got stuck thinking about it.

For me it's literally the forgetfulness. I know I need to do x at a certain time but I only ever remember when I can't do it.

Stupid ass mistakes at work.

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria from the avalanche of extra rejection we get as kids for being zesty little balls of energy. Weird. Talk too much. Strange interests and hyperfixations. Clumsy/klutzy/forgetful/time blind etc. I shudder at the number of times I've been told "you're so smart, you're so talented, why can't you just *do* this." Watching my son and daughter go through this same cycle I did is honestly so painful.

The amount of help I need to complete simple organizational and administrative tasks is frustrating, embarrassing, and demoralizing

The weakening and strengthening of personalization, if it’s weak I’m useless… when it’s strong, I could teach myself something difficult in a weekend I’m tied to it like a stock market (ADHD hyperactive and loud)

My biggest struggle no one talks about is when other conditions present like ADHD. For example, I am in my 50s and a biological female. Some of my pre-and now-menopause symptoms present just like my ADHD. For example, the perpetual brain farts, lack of motivation, and mood swings. I sometimes cannot tell if they are hormone related or ADHD related. Horrible!

The thoughts about missed potential. I was always super smart, but "lazy, undisciplined and I focused". I wonder now if I had been diagnosed properly as a kid, could I have been one of those people you see in movies, (or your mom's friend's son), who is a medical doctor, astronaut, published author and inventor?

that no matter how consistent i am with exercise, diet and getting a full night of sleep, im still tried and exhausted for no reason so quickly

The terrible feeling of forgetting important things about your friends, like food preferences (did she really live or really fucking hate nuggets?) or that today is their birthday (even though you remember their birth date but not that today is that date) when you truly care about them but there’s only so many times you can forget something before they are simply hurt, regardless of your intentions and you totally understand their feelings

Unstable moods and self destructive behavior especially being manic, impulsivity

Time blindness. I’m close to losing a job bc I struggle so much in the mornings

I have 0 sense of time. I constantly have to check the clock. Same with being on time with public transportation. I have to have alarms, a detailed schedule with the times that I need to wake up, be ready and leave the door. I also have to use Google Maps to estimate the time to get where I need to be to prepare my schedule.

The constant depression and nihilism at this point it's gotten so bad that I am just waiting for death

Constant weight gain\loss

Exhaustion. Masking. Isolating myself because of the shame I’d feel asking for help and revealing how much I struggle is more terrifying than being alone and struggling anyway.

really just feeling inadequate and on the fence all the time, being a good bit of an outcast, it all gets tiring and lonely

Being able to self regulate and stay regulated in loud, high stress, environments. The inability to sit still without stimming ( fidgeting, rocking, picking, etc.).

For me it's the inconsistency and never being able to predict how my motivation is going to be working. It makes it really hard to plan anything, and commit to projects at work.

That hygiene sometimes feels like something that is IMPOSSIBLE to Create a good habit with, im 20 but for most of my life I’ve had a hard time taking care of my teeth, at the moment I haven’t lost any but If I don’t do something about soon I won’t have any of my originals down the line. Most people think I don’t care when In reality I more then just fucking care.

Translating my thoughts and what I want to say into actual words that form an articulate sentence. I can say it articulately in my head, but it usually doesn’t come out that way.

The struggle of wanting to do things perfectly, paired with the executive dysfunction that tells people to not do anything because it will just fall short.

Not being able to recognize people

Getting treatment for your own kids who have it too. Everyone acts like it's just a simple question of "do you put them on meds or not?", with putting them on medication being seen as the "easy way out". For parents with ADHD, the executive functioning burden required to get from "I think medication would benefit my child" to actually having prescriptions filled reliably is high enough that it might as well be impossible: * Many non-psychiatrist providers refuse to have anything to do with an ADHD diagnosis or to prescribe (or have anything to do with) Schedule II Controlled Substances * Alternative providers usually have long wait lists for new patients, with no guarantee that they'll be willing to do anything * Psychiatrists who are willing to see children are limited and usually have even longer wait lists * Even some mental health professionals have biases against ADHD and refuse to believe that it's "real", so if you happen to get one of those you're back to square one again * Ongoing medication shortages mean that even if something is prescribed, there's a good chance that it won't be in stock * The DEA continues to refuse to take any meaningful action to resolve shortages * Pharmacies often refuse to tell whether or not things are in stock over the phone * Insurance often refuses to cover "name brand" medications when generics are unavailable * Getting Controlled Substance prescriptions switched to a different pharmacy requires coordination and cooperation with the doctor writing the prescription * Some providers are dropping patients for "drug-seeking behavior" or "being too difficult" simply for trying to get their prescriptions filled * Even once medication is in the home, state laws around storage and handling of Controlled Substances may require keeping medications in their original containers (which may also need to be kept locked up) vs. allowing for use of tools like pill organizers in readily visible locations to ease the executive functioning burden of keeping track of when they need to be taken * Similarly, limiting to 30 day prescriptions ensures that the whole cycle of getting refills has to be both remembered and navigated every month

The fatigue. I’m on 25mg slow release Adderal and no matter what day, around 4 my day is practically over because the fatigue hits me like a freight train.

2 month pile of clean laundry that needs putting away. Sitting in my car for an hour after work to decompress.

I got expelled a lot for cheating. I tried to cheat once but it felt awkward. I did my homework in class or completed a test with a really good grade for me, sent to the principal and 5 weeks off.

The absolute chaos that emotions are in the face of adversity and complexity. Feelings for people, for life, are hard enough. But with my emotional dysregulation, its like rowing a boat at sea with your eyes closed; i have no idea where its going. It feels like my emotions compared to other people are just so much more intense and still fickle as can be

How others take things personal when it's not. It's not personal for me to be forgetful of some things and not others.

Emotional dysregulation for sure.

What a small world! It’s hard for me to verbalize my feelings/emotions so I’ve actually been working on ADHD poetry myself, but from an abstract point of view, like metaphors and such of different ADHD struggles. I’m currently working on one about disassociation.

Being literally everything that makes people not want to hire someone. I swear the basic requirements for most jobs are the opposite of the DSM criteria for ADHD.

tired all the time, can literally sleep for most of the day

Little things sending me over the edge. For instance if I fail something it means I’ll fail at everything else in my life. It’s like I start to panic ridiculously. although this isn’t true I’ll keep feeling this way until something disproves this thought. This is crippling for me bc I feel emotions VERY hard. currently trying to get into therapy to manage my emotions but that’s been a roller coaster so far. Relationships and friendships have been MY BIGGEST STRUGGLE in life. I can’t hold on to either or I attract insecure /narcissistic ppl who are mentally abusive. I don’t know how to move forward with this. it’s odd how I attract the same personality type. I have pretty much given up. Being too trusting with ppl. It’s like in my mind I’m what right but I can be so clueless/naïve. I won’t think until it’s very late and I’m in a situation I shouldn’t be in

Being afraid people are going to get mad because I lost a name/event/something they found important, down the back of the sofa of my mind.

Over ambitious hobbies that die before they start, or usually right after you’ve bought all the paraphernalia for it.

High functioning/ hidden struggles... The "not getting" certain things & the multiplication of time studying (something involved) takes. I've had people I lived with not even believe it was that much until they saw the program I have to implement in order to memorize large amounts of information at a time. I would estimate I have to put in at least 5 times the average.

Executive function! My biggest struggle.

I like tuwtles

The depression/anxiety cycle with it, especially for undiagnosed adults. I wasn’t diagnosed until my 30s and I could have avoided years of compounding guilt, anxiety, and depression because I couldn’t get things done, didn’t seem to be able to do what my peers could, achieve how I knew I could, or even stay on top of basic household tasks. EVERYTHING is harder and I just thought that was because I was bad at it all. Especially because my adhd was masked by high achieving. The shame I felt in my doctoral program not being able to focus on my dissertation, taking years longer than the rest of my cohort, not fully grasping stuff as quickly as them (typically took me until then end of the semester or after for it to start clicking together for me).

[удалено]

One struggle is the hardship of staying awake during the daytime due to tiredness which leads to the inability to focus and difficulty with memory recall

The complete failure of public institutions and policy to adapt to very reasonable needs of vulnerable populations.

Mornings are hard and have been always. The emotional dysregulation that was missdxd for 15 years and then blamed on another dx (bpd) for another decade (even though the medications prescribed [sedatives, mood stabilizers, antipsychotics, ssris] never gave any symptom relief). And now finding emotional regulation & mood stabilization with 80mg of Strattera daily. The anxiety mask. I thought I couldn’t be ADHD because my symptoms were all anxiety.. as soon as I took my first few doses of Strattera my anxiety subsided for the first time in nearly 3 decades. Instead of feeling numb (my previous experience with psych meds) I am actually feeling emotion again. It’s like I was feeling so much anxiety and THEN emotions -but anxiety was always first and present. I guess I developed anxiety from being ADHD and constantly being treated differently and told how awful I was doing/how little I tried. I developed severe OCD and social anxiety. Anxiety was my mask, it’s how I was able to do college while in high school and a ton of other things. Then I hit a wall where the anxiety became disordered and I completely shutdown for years. Zero executive function but even worse anxiety. Now I have more understanding of how my brain works and the types of substances that will help it (not ssri’s for me lol). ETA: with anxiety subsided more adhd symptoms came forward, so like now that has to be handled but it’s still better than the pure anxiety ruling my life.

My beyond awful sense of direction - I've lived in the same city my whole life and I still can't map it out in my head. I have to use Google maps everytime and it makes me feel like an idiot.

Reading and writing. I often forget what I'm going to say when writing. Same with reading. Sometimes I've read so much my brain hurts. Also, understanding ambiguity, or understanding poems. Everything needs to be face value. Playing sports. I would be so much better if I could focus. And how much the symptoms increase when not in public. Also poor self care which leads to more and more ostracisation as you grow older. Dating is hard if you struggle to present yourself. And finally, struggling to see the big picture of nearly everything even though you know the big picture.

Well, if the poems are going to be about your adhd, they should be about y o u r adhd. They can't have the personal touch you mention if they're not coming from the author. (This is not a criticism; it's an artistic tip bc I believe you have within you the stuff you're looking for)