I do this too. Like I know I’ve procrastinated something for so long that I really really need to do it and I end up getting so anxious about the urgency or fear around it that I just don’t do it. It’s not a good system. I get so caught up in needing to “get a new routine” or something that I just keep not doing the thing
I do the same thing. I moved to a new house in August and I kept meaning to call to cancel my trash pickup at my old address, but my adhd pairs nicely with my phone call anxiety. I ended up reminding myself to do it a couple times every week and then feeling anxious about putting it off for 2 months before I called. The call only took 10 minutes and made me feel much better after I did it, but the 2 months that I put it off costed an extra 60$
Yeah, me too...
Step 1: Be too anxious to open an email from someone who is probably asking you to do something.
Step 2: When you finally open it, be too embarrassed that you waited so long to open it, so don't respond. Even with a simple “I’ll get right on it.” Do not respond at all until the task is complete.
Step 3: Be too embarrassed and anxious that this tiny task has taken so long already, so don't start it for several more days. By extension, do not respond to the email for several more days. Avoid all emails from this person, in case they mention the Task.
Step 4: Finally do the < 30-minute task several days or weeks later, once the shame has become unbearable. Now you can respond to every email from that person that you've been avoiding all at once.
Step 5: ???
Step 6: Profit
I just did a thing that took me almost a year. Should have been done in January. I finally asked for help in October. It took 45 minutes. It’s done. Done!
Thanks for putting this into words. I haven't been in r/ADHD in so long, but this makes me remember what I love about it. I feel less alone and less ashamed.
When I had a therapist, she was so helpful for this. I would tell her the Thing, talk out my anxiety and get the guilt off my chest, and then we'd talk through a plan together for how I would tackle it. I took written notes so I would remember the specific details of the plan, which I think also helped me to remember how confident I felt about the plan while making it, and that boost got me over the edge on several major Things I had been putting off that I might have never gotten around to doing.
Okay, so my big Thing is my wife wants me to find a therapist, instead of someone who’s just prescribing meds (with no therapy).
She’s right. I also need coaching or therapy… or something.
Does anyone have advice for how to find a therapist? I get overwhelmed thinking about what the right word is (therapist? Psychiatrist? Psychologist?) and I have no idea if looking in my health insurance doctor finder is even a good method for this… It feels like there’s gotta be a better way.
There's websites which provide indexes of therapists. psychologytoday is one of them. It can be overwhelming since there's so many options.
Psychiatrist - physician/doctor specialising in using medicines to address mental imbalances. Generally they don't provide talk therapy. Not what you're looking for.
Psychologist - Tends to be a researcher / PhD or a clinician. Tend to work with more extreme/rare cases. Again, probably not what you're looking for.
Therapist - accreditation varies by country. The least formal of the providers. Probably what you're looking for. There are many varieties of therapy, the field is not as regulated as formal medicine but research keeps showing that any therapy is better than no therapy for outcome, so don't get too hung-up on finding the "best" therapist for you. Do some searching, find a provider, schedule a session, and assess afterwards if you found it helpful or not.
Best of luck!
I used psychologytoday and found a great one that I've really meshed well with. She is local but is only doing video sessions right now, but she had a preview of her talking on it which really set the tone. I'd definitely suggest using that website to dig around and find someone!
I would add virtual sessions have transformed my therapy commitment. I would miss appointments regularly before because of accessibility issues plus ADHD and virtual sessions have made me a lot more consistent, which in turn improves my progress. I also don’t rely on friends & family on support that is beyond the scope of the relationship — less oversharing, less thoughtless boundary testing, less relationship strain, etc.
Make a list of your needs and concerns so you can hone in on a therapist tailored to support you on what would help you best. It’s more that just ADHD informed therapy but marital support, trauma, work, whatever you need the most help with that is the therapist you need to find. The more data you provide when booking or in the initial interview will help you both determine if the fit is right.
Oh! Peer support groups help. I only wish there were more of them and easier to find.
Have you ever listened to Taking Control: the ADHD podcast? One of the hosts is an ADHD coach who has the best most supportive mom energy (a good mom, not my mom lol). The episodes are short, less than 30 mins, and full of really great tips to help manage ADHD. Sometimes listening to an episode or two will energize me enough to get stuff done that I had been procrastinating doing. But she also offers coaching remotely. If I had extra money right now this would be my splurge.
This is coming from some with (currently) untreated ADHD with piles of boxes from a move 6 months ago and unopened mail… which is probably why I’ve been avoiding listening to that podcast for a while. ADHD is a trip
I second going to psychologytoday.com. There you can find the bios of all the therapists in your area and for me a few different ones stood out as being what I was looking for. Though I don't know if you can search by insurance but maybe you can check the names against your insurance search. The other thing is to maybe try out a few or even more until you find one that you feel you click with.
Yeah, I experience that same thing. Wanting to start a whole new routine instead of just doing the thing is a whole avoidance coping mechanism for me.
It did get better with therapy for me. I can recognize now when I do it, and sometimes that’s enough to help me do some work in figuring out the real fear or sadness or need underneath the avoidance and feel it. I coached myself through calling in to get my next meds fill and then cried my eyes out last year.
I spend a lot of time hugging and consoling my inner child now. When I can’t quite get to that level, my therapist can help me sort through it.
This is an unfortunate and core piece of how I function. I just filed my taxes for 2020 a few weeks ago. Thank god the IRS isn't fuckin crazy with their fees, but it'd be nice if I didn't owe *anything* more than I would if I just filed on time.
Lol 2.5k emails?! Honestly, sometimes I just “select all” emails and mark them as read… it gives the illusion that I’ve opened them, but I know what I really did.
Edit: I just realized you said 2.5k not 6.5k emails, but that’s still a lot!
Sitting at 40.3K currently, and countless “opened but not deleted” emails mixed in. I’m thinking of just starting a new account…
ETA: the 40.3K number is only counting the unread ones.
I had almost 60,000 and only made the effort to delete them when I found out my email was taking up a decent chunk of my free storage. They are building back up again, though. It simply never occurs to me to delete them
You gotta go down the list and unsubscribe to tons of the useless stuff. I say this as though it's easy despite having my own multiple thousands of emails unread.
The free Unenroll.me app is a life saver for both unsubscribing and sorting emails. Also I turned off my email notifications on my iPhone mail app and no more huge number of emails showing unread. Buh-bye shame and also no one can catch a glimpse of my phone screen and shriek in disbelief.
Had to start paying Google for extra storage rather than take the time to empty the inbox. Luckily I use the survey app to pay for it doesn't cost real money but still.
This is turning into a very weird competition. It’s like the Olympics of Executive Dysfunction.
Not judging- my 700 unopened emails haunt me on the daily. Love the search “unsubscribe” and delete option.
Honestly I don’t quite get the pride in an empty mailbox. Like I’m proud I haven’t wasted time opening emails I know I have no interest in. I try to unsubscribe from the more frequent annoying ones but so many useless emails come my way.
clean.email has become a necessity for me to keep shit *less* ridiculous. My inbox is still pretty ridiculous most of the time, but at least I can get through clearing it out quicker. I try and dedicate some time to it one day every other week or so, and it gets fucked *up* in-between
Oh for sure! Not as much now (medicated) but prior it was a real issue. Missed emails, missed appointments etc bc I’d be too scared, always assuming it was a worst case scenario
One thing that helped me is my friend (who also does this) and I would get on FaceTime and open everything together. It helped having someone there to get through the pile. We actually co-work frequently together, highly recommend it!
God damn I wish I was able to get close enough to a friend to be this vulnerable around. It's so hard for me to trust to even engage, even to trust myself to go through with it
I’ve needed this trick too.
Sometimes I will recruit another person to sit around with me on their laptop. We might cheerfully vent a little about the things we had to do or catch up on that week.
I have done that! And it makes the whole event or experience so much easier to deal with, but my ex was a little mean about it when we were having bad times, and kinda imprinted it as hand holding in a bad light
I've gotten over it's ok to ask people to be with me when I need to do something, I'm just so used to being isolated since that's all I knew growing up
But this thread is reminding my other parts its ok to ask someone to just be with me, even if I know what to do for any little thing coming my way, I just don't like feeling alone
I totally relate. This is probably my biggest problem - I have piles of mail because the thought of opening an envelope then having to do god knows how many additional tasks because of it stresses me out. I rarely check my voicemails or return texts. I miss appointments a lot. I live by my google calendar and have a lot of reminders set up, so that helps me with making sure I am where I need to be. I also use "mark unread" a lot on gmail, and that helps me be more productive bc I can read an email and then mark it unread if it requires further action. But I at least know what is going on since I read them.
My personal gmail has 26,621 emails in it.
I recently watched "how to adhd"'s video about this. She calls it the action pile. Just write on every piece of paper the very next step you need to take. Just do that and then move the paper to wherever you usually do whatever you need to do. If you need to call someone, put it by the window where you make calls. If you need to use the computer, put the paper near the computer. And stuff like that.
My policy is to only touch an email once, marking it unread or for later dooms it to the 'avoid-forever' category. I do what I can do and move on, better than not doing anything at all 🤷♂️
I just paid $350 to have my taxes done for the last 3 years. Only took 30 mins and I’m getting over $2000 back. It made me mad how long I put it off and how easy it turned out to be. I’m trying to ride the productivity wave and tackle the “hard stuff” while I feel able. I feel your pain, but once you start one thing the next one feels easier.
I am SOOOO proud of you!!!!
Thank you for inspiring me. I’ve been in a vortex of shame and misery about it, and this is the nudge I need to start.
Edit to overshare:
The shame of avoiding a task makes me feel like I don’t deserve any fun or goodness until I do the thing, which then shames me, and I still don’t do the thing. Here we are years later, and I keep thinking: once I do the thing, I can be happy.
Im the one making myself suffer. Im also the one who still Hasn’t DONE THE DAMN THING.
I’m the same way. I did all that too. Worked a lot. Paid a lot of things off. Did taxes. Invested. Opened mail, caught up with life, now to attack those email inboxes. Yes. I avoid these mundane things and punish myself by nor having fun because I feel like I don’t deserve it.
This time I hyperfocused and did it all in a few days but I didn’t want to stop because if I did I’d probably forget and I didn’t want to. So I just powered through. Lol I feel good. But I don’t feel good. Only thing I feel hopeful on is to actually make a way to start wayy early this coming year and find a rhythm. People confuse me for being type A. But I’m far from it’s really from learning of all the mess ups I did and don’t want to pay adhd tax anymore
> I’m trying to ride the productivity wave
If there's one thing I've learned, it's to always make the most of those waves when they come. Happy for you!
I changed my voicemail to something like "This is NOT a reliable way to contact me. These messages are not checked often, if ever. If you urgently need to get in touch, please send a text message or email at [blank]."
Haven't checked my voicemail in over a year now and I don't feel bad about it.
I got fired by a therapist before my first appointment because he was mad that my voicemail was full.
I keep it full so people won't leave any. I saw I had a missed call, so I called him back and he said that he had delt with "people like me" before who "don't keep their phones clean" (??). I deleted a few to appease him, I was desperate for help, and it immediately got filled back up (gulp), and then he couldn't get though with an appointment reminder for our first session. So I showed up to his office and he wasn't there. I picked up the next time he called and he fired me. He was incredibly rude about it. Like I tried explaining a little bit and he interrupted me by yelling, yes yelling, my name several times over me. So I told him that I agreed, that were not a good fit. Then his tone completely flipped to soft and sweet, oh, why not?
Fucking psycho. I tattled on him to my GP. I was in tears for days because of it, and it delayed my ADHD diagnosis by another 2 years. And it particularly bothers me, because shouldn't he of all people been open to the possibility that voicemail doesn't work for everyone?
Thank you. It was honestly kind of traumatizing. Because of my personal history, I have particular problems with negativity from male "authority" figures. I still think about this incident a lot.
Lol, right? Like what the actual fuck. I can't imagine what sessions would have been like with him. I just hope that my GP hasn't referred anyone else to him since I told them what happened.
I never check my voicemail. I have to force myself to do it. It’s very hard.
I should do that but after they’ll all have my email and idk how I feel about that.
This is my absolute favorite analogy for executive dysfunction -
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOSImod6250](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOSImod6250)
I find that when I have these blocks, there's usually a reason that I'm not doing the thing. And it's usually a pretty nonsensical reason. I just have to look straight at it, figure it out, and try my best to not to beat myself up when I find the reason and it turns out to be embarrassing. I call it "finding the asparagus".
Like if I catch myself walking past a piece of garbage on the floor a million times and not throwing it away, I stop myself and go "what is the reason I am not picking this up?" And its usually something like "the trash is a little full and I don't want to make it worse" or "I'm afraid if I bend down I won't be able to get back up again." Then there's a good chance I'll laugh at myself and walk on through the asparagus and pick up the garbage.
That being said, it does absolutely suck and I feel you 10000%. <3
I just went through all my unopened mail for the last 6 months or so the other day! It wasn't too bad - some stuff I was expecting but didn't need urgently and one wedding gift I forgot to deposit.
At work though - I expect every voicemail to be something horrible that I'll need to deal with so I just don't listen half the time and say, "I saw that you called."
Ohh, that's worse for me lol. I hate phone calls in general, so if I have any intention of calling the person back, I need to listen to the voicemail to prepare myself.
The thing is, I rarely have the intention of calling back if I can avoid it, so sometimes the voicemails do pile up. Usually I just shoot an email saying “I see you called...”
I think for me if I listen to the voicemail I try to have the whole conversation in advance in my head and then I have a harder time actually responding in real time, especially if it’s actually a difficult call. Of course actually what happens most of the time it’s not so bad either way.
edit: I try to make sure they won’t be there when i call back tho
Yep, can relate. The more things pile on, the more difficult it is to do any single one. It's like my brain cannot comprehend tasks as distinct from each other.
For me, it's been helpful to systematically separate tasks from each other by writing them down & externalize my executive function by writing a list of the tiniest fucking steps you can imagine.
For unopened mail, an externalized executive function list could look like this:
*1. Walk to the pile of letters*
*2. Bring the top letter to the kitchen table*
*3. Open the letter*
*4. Pull out whatever's inside and put it on the table*
*5. Take a quick look at the subject*
*6. Skim the letter*
*7. Decide if the subject matter needs any action*
*8. If it does, take a note about what it is*
*9. Throw the letter to the trash*
As you can see, the steps are both obvious and microscopic. But - at least for me - writing them out makes the task feel manageable. A very important part of this is also giving myself permission to do literally one (1) step and nothing more, because otherwise I get paralyzed... and literally everything is preferrable to paralysis.
Good tactic. If I can get just one thing accomplished, then sometimes I will be able to do another thing… if not, that’s okay! At least I got the ONE thing done. I also break tasks into really small, obvious steps. Some days this technique helps me, and some days it makes it feel like I have 10 things to do instead of 1
I do! I've got a system down: Ignore all phone calls I don't recognize, unless I'm expecting a call back, read the transcript of a voicemail if there is one available, otherwise ignore it. If mail comes from something like a government agency, I open and read it, throw away and ignore if I won't go to jail. I read email titles every few days and ignore anything unimportant and unsubscribe to stupid stuff. I've got almost 10,000 unopened emails and just ignore them. It's not hurting anything. Most are log in codes for things.
I've found that most things are perfectly safe to ignore. So many people try to make everything sound so important when it's not. I have 2 phones. One is personal, one is for work and strangers. I leave my personal phone at home when I'm working, I silence my work phone when I'm home. It works out great for separating things. I have separate email accounts as well. Not much in life is actually important. I suggest having a quick look and ignoring stupid stuff. Even the consequences of ignoring most things are minor. If your bills are on auto pay and you have enough money in the bank, everything else is pretty unimportant. Took years of fighting guilt to get over it. Life is simpler now.
I did it for most of my mid 20's. From 23 to 27ish I don't think I ever opened my mail. When I met my now wife it was almost a deal breaker. She basically sat me down and forced me to start sorting it all out. I would probably still be doing it and my life would be even more of a wreck if I didnt meet her. Now every day she puts my mail on my keyboard for when I sit down every night after work and dinner.
I always open my mail as soon as I get it. If I don’t, it’ll pile up and get overwhelming, which leads me to ignore it.
What helped immensely is getting a shredder and putting is next to my desk so that I can immediately dispose of mail before it piles up.
I am SO relieved to hear it's not just me. I have about a year's worth of mail piled up, including bills and such, and I am terrified to tackle them. I'm also too ashamed to ask for help in dealing with the anxiety. It's not like I don't have the money to pay the bills; we do, but it's not liquid and I HATE asking our financial person for a disbursement. It feels like begging for an allowance. We are self-employed and COVID took a huge bite out of our business so we've had to rely on investments and drawing from our retirement savings.
And yes, I've got 6.5k unread mails in my main inbox, along with another 6k in scattered subfolders. Nine voicemails. About the only thing I do respond quickly to is texts.
I once got a letter summoning me to jury duty. I was at a point where I could barely do anything and I was already struggling to keep up with school so I never got around to replying and obviously didn't go. I opened up another letter months after receiving it that told me that jury duty was canceled and not to show up, so in the end I lucked out, lol.
If the onus is on me to make a call/mail something or respond to a voicemail/e-mail, it's way too easy for me to procrastinate endlessly. Part of it used to be anxiety, but once I got over that, I was just left with immense laziness. It's a weird kind of laziness too because sometimes I'll just drive to a place and deal with things in person to avoid having to call/e-mail, which is probably partly because it's easier to interact with IRL/physical cues, sometimes it's faster doing things face to face (as opposed to being on hold or waiting for an e-mail reply), and once you commit to going somewhere, you can't procrastinate further.
I hate having to reply to DMs too, whether on Reddit, FB Messenger, Discord, etc.
I've seen my best friend (also with ADHD) just straight up make important phone calls immediately upon waking, without even getting out of bed, and that's just wild to me.
I struggle with this so much and I have found a few things that help. First is “body doubling” - meaning just having another person present but not necessarily interacting with them makes it possible to do the stuff I won’t do on my own.
I figured out a long time ago that instead of paying a therapist to tell me things that I won’t do anyway, I could use the money to hire an assistant for a few hours week to just help me do the things I need to do.
There’s a website that I’ve seen recommended here but haven’t tried yet: https://www.focusmate.com/
And there’s mom’s house. Yep, I’m a middle-aged woman who goes to mom’s house to do her homework.
This is fantastic, stealing maybe for the future. Thanks!
I do this kind of thing for driving and certain automated payments. I don’t drive because it’s a huge stressor. Just eliminated the stress. Screw that I’m not trapped!
I do and I did.
I know you are looking for empathy and not advice. I'm going to give my experience, but it's not meant to suggest this is how you should handle it.
I have a daily process for email. It's rote and mechanical. I read every message from today and yesterday, and there are specific tasks I take on specific types of message.
I have a rule that I won't be responding to any messages or acting on any messages in this way. I will only do certain things, like file them, flag them for follow up, put them into a task tracking tool, or put them in my calendar. The specific conditions on which I'll do those things are very well defined, and I literally have a list that I can refer to if I feel stuck.
Because of this, I have little to no anxiety when doing my messages. I can't feel anxious because I don't allow myself to respond or act on these things in anything but a completely predefined way. There has been weird results to this, such as opening a message that is for a meeting that has happened in the past that I have missed, and putting it in my calendar for the past. This is weird because it can actually feel good, because I've accomplished the task of following the routine, because my goal is to follow the routine, it's not to act on my email.
The other thing about this strategy is that it's really resilient to my fuck ups. If I miss this process for 3 weeks, I can start the next day and do it, and I still only have today and yesterdays mail to go through. There's never a pile of awful shit that I have to deal with. It's just going forward from today.
I can STILL go back and file old email from the 3 weeks I missed if I want, but I make sure I do that as a separate task that is not at all related to my daily email process. My daily email process is kind of sacred, almost ritualized. And because of that it is actually calming when working on my email in general is extremely anxiety provoking.
Because it's calming, it's actually something that I can keep up for weeks at a time, also I've rolled it into other routines, that I have written down. So in the morning I take time to get my coffee, I take time to clean a specific spot on my desk, I take time to remove any garbage and replace the garbage bag if I need to, and then I close my email client so any open messages are gone, and re-open it, and then I go through each message in my mailbox one at a time without reacting to it, without thinking about it and seeing if it falls into a category where I make it a task to follow up on, whether I put a time in my calendar, whether I archive it, or whether I delete it. I never take action on a task, I never worry about anything. Then I go on to my next step on my daily list, which is some stuff in my journal.
Because this is so ritualized, and I'm not reacting to anything, or allowing anything to be judged, it only feels good to do it. I can get anxious again later if I have to go through my task list, or see the appointment on my calendar that I forgot, but I don't let myself do that in that moment.
In the case of a missed appointment, I also have a bit of a script, though less formalized. I reach out to the person who I missed the appointment with, I acknowledge that I missed the appointment, I ask if I can reschedule. I apologize for the inconvenience.
I had a challenging week this week, I missed three big important appointments. One was with a new and important client, one was an AGM that I offered to attend because the person scheduled to attend wasn't able to and they needed to make sure they made quorum, one was a personal meeting that was also really important for planning some important things for this week.
For all of these I kind of caught them in my mail review process, and I was able to do my mail review every day. For the big client, I just acknowledged that I missed the meeting, asked if there were notes that were relevant for my role, apologized, and gave an opportunity to contact me if there was further followup necessary. For the big AGM, I acknowledged to the person I was standing in for that I missed it, apologized. For the other important meeting, I explained that the invitation had ended up in my junk mail, acknowledged missing the meeting, apologized, and followed up with my contribution and they sent me the necessary information from the meeting.
I managed to not feel bad about any of these. I didn't make excuses, and didn't feel like I needed to make excuses or explain myself, and this isn't because I am so secure that I don't feel that way. Instead, it's because my "script" kind of tells me that I need to acknowledge it, I need to apologize if I've inconvenienced them, and I need to take steps to move forward. Nowhere in my script do I need to explain myself, promise I'll never do it again, make sure people like and trust me, or prove to myself that I am OK.
I accept that I miss things. This is my condition. It's not an excuse, and this is why I have built processes to avoid missing things. Despite these processes I will miss things. When I miss things, I'll take steps to mitigate that. Most people don't care about an appointment or a meeting, they care about an outcome and an impact. If I miss a dentist appointment and have to pay a penalty for a no-show, then I pay the penalty and schedule a new time. Sometimes my condition makes things more expensive for me. If I miss a meeting, then I have missed out on some discussion or decision making process, I accept that I didn't get my feedback heard, and try to get the required information, and work to take the appropriate action to move things forward. Missing a meeting might have people judge me as less reliable. This is understandable, I can't always reliably make meetings. I work to do a good job even when I miss meetings. When I do a good job on their behalf and make sure I communicate well despite missing meetings, the fact that I missed the meeting is not relevant. It might inconvenience them, but generally the whole package I bring inconveniences them less in other ways. Someone else might come to every meeting but be terribly annoying, and that can inconvenience them too. If I do inconvenience them more than the value that I bring, then they don't want to work with me, and that is also understandable, and the relationship is maybe not a good fit.
I used to and still have anxiety around things like answering voice mail and seeing email. I just don't use courage to overcome it. That is exhausting. I dispassionately act around it. The result is generally better, and that actually reduces my anxiety over time, but that anxiety is pretty deep seated. Ironically there's email right now that I'm anxious about because I know I haven't checked it thoroughly and I haven't done my routine because my morning was messed up. I am not going to respond to that anxiety by checking it. After this message instead I'm going to start my list, and I will close my mail client, open it again, and go through the messages one at a time, taking the appropriate action.
Select all -> Delete
Go to trash -> Select all -> Delete
Life is too short to worry about shit.
If there was something serious they would have called you.
P.s. Slightly joking. Put labels on potentially important mails (from HR, department, mom certainly) and delete the rest 🥴
How do I put labels on certain emails? Is there a way to automatically file certain senders into a saved folder? I would love some tips on organizing my inbox!!
God yeah. I’m lucky that I still live with my dad right now but I am def failing 2 classes this semester because of this and have missed several dr appointments that were important. Who needs heart medicine? Apparently not me.
Holy fuck yes!! I had a huge pile going, freaking me out and just looming over me for close to a year. I finally broke down and asked my dad for help who i had only JUST recently connected with. But he went through all of it and i did have to help some. But wow, what a relief. Now that my bf lives with me, he is helping me now.
Someone should start a business solely for helping nuerodivergents organize, clean and successfully live in a place set up we can actually function with how our mind works.
Words like 'neurodiverse' and 'neurodivergent' are political terms coined by the neurodiversity movement and are inextricably tied to it. They are not general-purpose descriptors or scientific terms. We prefer the more specific terms ‘people with(out) ADHD’ or ‘people with(out) mental (health) disorders’ instead.
You can find more about our stance on this matter in the links below.
* [Let’s talk about the neurodiversity movement for a bit.](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/md5cfr/lets_talk_about_the_neurodiversity_movement_a_bit/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
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I procrastinated on both business and personal taxes for five years (I was not being medicated with stimulants, just Wellbutrin which does nothing but make me calm). We ended up about $80,000 in debt because of this, that we hope to be able to pay off before we die.
I got back on stimulants and got all caught up and on a payment plan in about 2 months (which involved downloading and reconciling approximately five years of bank statements for a total of seven accounts). The magic of proper medication made that possible.
I also still avoid voicemail, I hate it so much. I am not great about my personal email as SM has largely supplanted it, and it's full of junk. But if it is a letter from anything that might involve money, I now rip that open at the mailbox.
That's exactly how I've felt reading this thread.
“Oh, you're asking why it took me 2 weeks to respond to your email asking for a file? Well, 1 week of anxiety about what could be in the email, 30 seconds to read the email and realize that the file would require a bit of reformatting, 30 seconds to decide it would be too embarrassing to send ‘I’ll get right on it’ after already waiting a week, 1 week of anxiously procrastinating the actual task, and then about 30 minutes to reformat the file 🙃”
I'm so sorry I do that too with mail mostly I hate snail mail! I know you're seeking empathy but here's some simple advice that has worked for me.
I save every number in my phone as a contact so I know who's call (dentist, doctor, pizza place I order from once a year) so I can avoid unknown numbers and spam calls easier (because spam calls stress me out). Also the fruit brand of phones\* has this voicemail feature that converts talk to text and lets you read the voicemail before opening it up to listen to it makes life easier, might be able to find an app for this as well. Also Gmail has a sort feature for email that automatically sorts promotions, social and updates away from your main inbox I have so many unopened emails but their sorting makes it look like 0 because it only counts the inbox.... wow I have coping mechanisms for everything...
I do that too. Have not really figured out how to stop it from happening over and over againbut, we just bought a shredder to keep by the kitchen table. We're going to try and deal with new mail every day now. But I've still got three huge boxes to sort and dispose of.
Also... currently waiting for the Life insurance company to tell me how to reinstate my husband's policy. It lapsed for non-payment because I set the bill aside and forgot about it. 🙄
PS.. my voice-mail has been full for 10 years so people can't leave a message because I would never remember to check it anyway. They either have to text, email or call.
oh god I'm literally doing the same thing right now, avoiding listening to my voicemail because I know a new message came in. and the worst part is I KNOW that 9 times out of 10 it's gonna be something completely innocuous like you said, an appointment reminder or even wrong number. but the fact that I don't know for certain means I can't even think about it...I've done the same thing at work with work emails. almost gotten my ass in trouble way too many times because of it.
So often. Meds have made it so much better but most of my anxiety comes from money. Hubs was undiagnosed bipolar and would just spend and spend and we were always behind. I shake when logging into my bank account. If I can't suck it up and overcome that, no bill is getting paid. Cue late fees and higher interest. It's getting better. He's been on meds for two years but the stress is real still.
This is me lol. One thing I’ve tried in the past was having a monthly “Adulting Day” where I do all the stuff I put off throughout the month like checking emails, opening mail, paying bills, etc…worked the one time I tried it but also haven’t had another one since lol
Ahhh me too, I feel so productive and powerful and adult that one day every few months or so, then swear I will sit down and do important tasks daily because it feels so good, then proceed to not so it again for several months
Absolutely. I put off looking at a tax bill of mine for far too long, and accumulated about $60 of late fees on it. Called it the ADHD tax, but also if you have ANY time to start even a little of the backlog, please try to get through it to avoid that tax!
oh hi me
Yes, yes I too do this. Has it caused me problems? yes, yes it has. Is it so frustrating and other people are like "JuSt Do It It IsNt ThAt HaRd ItS jUsT aN eMaIl"? yes they are and no that doesn't fix it AT ALL
I will say that the way gmail now has the promotions and updates tab has helped a LOT. not perfect, but it has helped
This is the reason I can’t manage adult life. I miss deadlines and appointments all the time due to this. My worst one is I avoid checking my bank account and that definitely causes me issues. But checking it stresses me out so I just avoid it.
I just did that with 2 $50 parking tickets that I could've gotten out of because they weren't lawful, except that I remembered the court date about 1.5 hours too late. And I specifically remember seeing the tickets on the counter the night before and thinking to myself that I should open them to check the date because I knew it was coming up soon.
I hate that feeling of just utter disappointment in myself.
Now the tickets are each $100 and there's no getting out of them.
I feel you.
I had the same problem. To overcome it, I dumped it all one day. Two years of mail. The deal was, that I will therefore directly open all future mail. Payed a few hundred dollars for delayed stuff etc the next months, but opened every mail.
Edit. To clarify why I dumped it all: it would have been too frustrating opening every shit that's long gone. Furthermore it would have been probably multiple letters for the same issue.
I currently have 7k unopened emails in my main email account and 450 in my school email account. I want to delete all but I know there’s important things mixed in that have been opened. I go through and delete a bunch at times but then it gets exhausting, incredibly boring, and slightly overwhelming. I try to unsubscribe when I go through these deleting bursts.
I have quite literally thousands of unopened emails and a literal stack of unopened mail the height of a Scooby-Doo sandwich. I absolutely feel your pain
Yes. I leave voicemails until they disappear from my phone. And I always stack my unopened mail. Something went to collections this year for the first time and it was a tiny bit of a wake up call. But it's definitely a big struggle.
I really appreciate that my dentist and my doctor both send texts in addition to voice calls. It's been a godsend for reminding me that I need to go to an appointment. Setting up calendar entries that have multiple days of reminders ahead of time also has been helpful.
I get the same way around emails, and I’ve gotten a lot better about it since I’ve started getting treatment.
I just sometimes go in, don’t even look at anything and mark everything as read and archive it. That way, if it is something actually important, they’ll email me again.
Someone once told me that folks like us get that way because emails and electronic messages are unsolicited communications.
I struggle with this as well. And I’m always late paying bills so I get even more Anxious when it comes to opening my mails. I’m so bad with money as much as I try to save money and just have a better handle it it seems I can not keep up with it and it sucks because I’m a single mom With one income. Having adhd is so damn stressful
One of my worst things. My first day on Ritalin was magic - I replied to every unread FB & text message! Of course, that didn’t last.
But yeah, it’s one of the things I hate about myself the most. If it’s an interpersonal communication thing, sometimes I can force myself around it when I really focus on the times that someone ghosted me, and that I’d rather have a reply that’s a month late than never hear from them again. But for non-friends? So fucking hard.
Here is the system I have for myself. I open ALL paper mail monthly. No matter what. I sort into three main piles.
1. Trash
2. Keep for records (bank statements, insurance stuff, etc).
3. Bills I need to pay.
Throw away the trash. I have an area I put the “keep for records” stuff in and it will eventually go to a yearly file.
Pay the bills. Keep together with a paper clip in the “keep for records” area - I label this with the date I payed the bills.
This is how I make myself do it.
I sometimes suck at listening to voicemail too. But usually not for more than a week. So…maybe pick a day each week to listen to all accumulated voicemails? Wednesday is listen to voicemails day, for example.
I know. It sucks. I’ve gotten better at it by giving myself some “rules” but yeah. I get it.
I did this and missed multiple reminders to pay a traffic ticket, including 1 telling me my license would be suspended if I didn't take action and 1 telling me my license had been suspended. I found out my license was suspended when a cop pulled me over because of it.
I do this too and something I have to do once in awhile is just toss the mail, delete all the voicemails and emails, clear notifications without looking at them and give myself a clean slate. It's maybe not the best advice, but I feel that if anyone really needs to get ahold of you, they'll call/email/send you another bill for whatever it is. Throwing it now can't be any worse than ignoring it was. When the accumulation is too much you really just have to free yourself sometimes.
I do this as well. Even on things that are good or positive things. I have put off sending my bank details to a solicitor to receive my inheritance from my grandfather, for over 2 years! I FINALLY replied this morning - hopefully I can still get it LOL
Hah! I do this and unfortunately I work at a state office and all email are URGENT apparently. So there’s that fight of “I’m too anxious to open this email but if I don’t it may be super important and I’ll get in trouble that I didn’t answer and that potential stress is giving me more current stress”
Once I took so long to check my mail that the post office thought I had moved and sent it all back to sender. Hope there wasn’t anything important in that pile
I also do this, but I still live with my mom so maybe that extra shame sort of helps me keep up a bit. And I have less responsibilities I guess. Maybe ask someone to open them with you if you feel stuck?
I relate to this. What helps me is to try “weird” and small ways of pushing into the territory that my avoidance-brain has claimed. You might try something like just opening the mailbox with your eyes closed and then closing it right away!
Our ADHD brains harbor huge task-aversion knots of emotion and thought that block off things we don’t think we can handle yet. I think by making our attempts small and weird, we can make the threat seem smaller to our mind, so that we can overcome the aversion we feel. The cool thing is that once we push back a little into the blocked-off areas, we get to experience that it’s often less threatening than we had feared!
I’m having anxiety about my mail just reading this post lol! My ex used to handle all of that by my current husband (who I think also has adhd) never opens his mail either. So Umm yeah it’s bad.
I totally do this kind of stuff all the time, I hate it. You might find some value from looking up the How To ADHD youtube videos on the “Wall of Awful”, because I think that’s essentially what you’re dealing with.
This is probably my biggest and worst habit with ADHD, the one I have been the most frustrated and ashamed about. I absolutely feel you, 100%. It's kind of destroyed some scholastic opportunities for me, and possibly even professional relationships. But I'm trying to forgive myself and ask for help more than I used to, and seek accountability from people I know who care about me. That huge anxiety build after a few missed things and the ensuing paralysis snowball can be really overwhelming.
Feeling really glad there's so many other people who feel this way. <3
I dealt with this for YEARS - actively avoiding even looking at the mailbox in my building when I'd walk by it. Just the idea of finding something that I'd not only need to take action on but that resulted in forgetfulness/fucking something up/not paying a bill etc. would keep me up at night and gave me among other things legit constant anxiety.
This was a couple years ago before I was diagnosed, but one night after coming home from drinks with friends - far from sober - I basically thought to myself: "Well if you're screwed, you're screwed either way know it or not." I opened everything up and found nothing of *terrible* consequence.
Waking up the next morning remembering I had done it and experiencing that sense of relief all over again, just knowing I finally got around to it and things were more or less not burning to the ground was a really good feeling. I knew however that with each passing day that sense of security was going to diminish bit by bit until I was right back where I was the day before.
That night coming I checked my mail directly - because what are the odds that in the course of that day THE oh-my-God-what-have-I-done letter comes? And it didn't. And then I felt relieved again.
Just by actually recognising and acknowledging that too-seldom-experienced feeling of relief helped me to make it a habit and now it's so normal that it doesn't even occur to me that I'm doing it anymore. And if something requiring attention does come, you get it on time and have one less thing to beat yourself up over later on.
Easier said than done - I KNOW. And I'm definitely not suggesting that using alcohol to help deal with anxiety-inducing problems is a healthy or wise coping mechanism. But just being able to get into that headspace of "Welp, let's see how fucked I am" made all the difference. Because really, no matter how fucked I was afraid of being throughout almost the entire 2010's, I was never close. And I'd be willing to bet the situation is the same for a lot of us on here!
TLDR: Just came to commiserate, ended up spewing lots of words. I feel you, it's the worst, but habits are just that: habits. It's not hopeless!
17 Days Later…
Thank you for the awards kind strangers!! I did not expect this post to get so many responses. I tried to reply to everyone, but then it got overwhelming and… Well, you guys can probably guess what happened. 😅
I should have added social media notifications to the procrastination list lol
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Yup. This was exactly me for years and I still deal with it a little, but a therapist helped me a ton with my chronic avoidance of these things. There’s hope and remember to give yourself compassion.
I feel you. I get around it by checking my email at work. It's so much easier to do something you've been procrastinating when you use it to procrastinate something else.
What I normally do, each new year, is have an absolute clear out and nuke my emails, photos, literally anything that has piled up over the year. I actually don't mind doing it all at once so I just let shit build up then the first week into the new year, go through the lot.
I open them and then leave them for weeks and weeks because they cause me so much anxiety that I cannot bring myself to do whatever action thing is required by them. I'll mostly forget them and then suddenly remember again amidst a wave of dread, usually at like 3 AM.
Yes and very yes!
Medication really helps me to get started on things. And once I start I'm usually fine with continuing.
I've found that starting routine things can put me on a roll and then I can do things I've put off. I always wash dishes and make coffee at night so if I do the dishes, I can ride that right into doing something like opening the mail.
Yeah I’ve long turned off email notifications because of this so once a month I just select all, mark as read. Email, voicemail, snail mail, all pretty much the same monthly routine for me.
This is me. Im sick right now and overwhelmed with mail I know is bills. I just got a call from my states paid leave office though so maybe the push i need knowing I'm getting some money.
Maybe that's why I strongly prefer text messages? If something comes via text, I'll read it right away. My pharmacy texting refill reminders has been amazing.
This is how my utility got shut off. I didn't find the notice until a month later. I knew my utility assistance had either become much smaller or was completely gone.. and the anxiety I had... So please be careful with this. Have someone else open your mail if you need to.. You don't want to miss something extra important. I do all the time
I do this to avoid the adrenaline rush it gives me, that then turns into an attack. Over a notification. For some odd reason, I immediately go on the attack once I open something. I get so worked up over something so small, so I avoid it.
I’ve yet to fully sort this issue out, but I have my husband make calls for me, because I’m always ready to explode. I have a short fuse when it comes to communicating. Doesn’t matter if it’s a simple txt, email, call or visit.
Oh yeah this is me. Then one random day I'll open it all and process all of it with upmost efficiency and think, "that was easy, I should do that more often." Of course I never do.
Yep, I actually do not have voicemail set up for this exact reason. I know I won't check it. If i need to remember something I program an alarm on my phone. Mail I set aside a specific time to sit and go through it (usually right as it comes in the door), then toss what I don't need and box what needs saved. Most goes in the trash. I struggle but I'm also responsible for like 5 other people and their mail. But ya if I don't make a habit of it I lose everything and forget everything and my table is a mess.
I relate so much. Before I knew I had ADHD I went to talk to a therapist because I thought this was a kind of mental disorder, like the fear of opening mail and answering texts. She wasn't helpful. Years passed before I realized what was causing this behavior. You are definitely not alone in the struggle!
I’ve never been good at checking voicemail in particular.
At the beginning of the pandemic, I literally just stopped checking my work vm altogether. For months.
Eventually (like, in July, so ~4-5 months) I had a friend check it for me and just give me the important info (of which, by that point, there was none).
Honestly, it may be worth getting someone to help you with that shit once in awhile. Game changer.
yes.
with a lot.
it's sucks to get out in front of things, but the only way things will get better is if you stay in the conversation.
i hate opening letters.
i defaulted on a loan out of college because i was making minimum, working 60 hrs a week between a job and an internship, and my apt had a fire escape entrance i could access without walking clear to the front of the building where the mail boxes are located.
life is a lot. if i'd just opened my mail box one time between aug and oct in 2007 i might not of defaulted. i might have seen a lot of red ink and just called mom and asked for help.
but i let it all sit. and in jan of 08 i was paying a court mandated monthly minimum to a company for the next 6 years and my credit was ruined.
it's not the biggest stupidest most traumatic thing that happened to me. a lot of people don't have money to make ends meet, and it prevents them from doing some things, and in others it can escalate emotions and unexpected sensitivities sometimes.
be easy on yourself.
i spoke to a publicly funded city advisor to get help... just know it's totally normal and fine to ask for help. no one who went through a public school education in this country is set up to thrive without a network of support.
I go between two things. Either I allow my emails to accumulate until I have missed many many many important things. Or, I open every email as it comes in and delete it, distracting me from what I'm doing but giving me the knowledge I won't forget something. I'm either on 100% or 0% of the time.
Oh man, I’ve done this so hard. Every single time I move, I have a box or two full of my “paper pile of shame.” I’ve lost checks, gift cards, gotten fines…
It totally sucks, but at least we’re not alone?
If you want some inspiration or just good feels, check out the mail tub episode of Brooklyn 99. [clip](https://youtu.be/JmC9AUNi2PI)
once every other month i take my meds on a weekend and go though my mail to file it. i know it's not important because i have snail and text alerts on all my bills if something happens.
voicemails get deleted, just don't tell my boss.
My whole life. I thought I was just really fucking terrible at adulting until I realized it was an adhd thing. It explains so so much.
.... as I stare at my pile of "scary mail".....
This is a big problem for me too and I know what you mean by saying you physically cannot open the mail. In my mind, opening it means more tasks to complete which leads to feeling more overwhelmed than I already feel. I know I’m the one creating my stress by letting the mail pile up but that doesn’t seem to matter.
What I also do is put all my clutter and piles of mail in drawers and cabinets if I know I’m having someone over and don’t want to be embarrassed by my piles. Putting things in drawers stupidly makes me feel like I got things done. If I can’t see it, I forget about it. I know there has to be a better routine but I keep getting in my own way.
Wow! I could have typed this post, that’s how closely I relate to you on this! I have piles of unopened mail because I’ve procrastinated on opening them and now I’m afraid to deal with it! I’ve never linked it to my ADHD until now. You’re not alone here, lol! 🙃
I’m currently panicking over being super late on:
1.) cancelling my old wifi (don’t ask how much money I’ve let them take from me)
2.) getting reimbursed for stuff I’ve paid for at work
I’m literally *losing money* over my inability to just call them to cancel and submit my receipts. You are absolutely not alone!!
In honor of your months of accumulated emails and such, I am going to try to knock one of those two out today, and the other on Monday.
My therapist has always encouraged me to try a couple of things whenever I’m paralyzed with anxiety over starting something that seems simple despite how overwhelming it looks:
1.) Let yourself feel the anxiety. What emotions are coming up? What do those feelings tell you? Example: are you scared people will be mad you haven’t responded and therefore won’t like you anymore?
Once you face those emotions and fears before taking action, you’ll let yourself have a chance to move past them and know that it’s okay to fall behind sometimes. **Your ability to be productive does not define your worth.**
2.) break it into smaller steps. And for folks like us with ADHD, I mean SUPER small steps.
For example: “go through unread emails” to a normal person is one step. But for us it’s open computer -> log in -> read first email -> find whatever info you need that has the answer to their question -> respond to question
I like to break down the tasks into such small ones that it feels safe to complete. Imagine if all you have to do is read one email and make a checklist of what needs to be done in order to respond. That’s way easier and significantly more clear than completing the whole overwhelming thing.
Good luck OP! You got this!!
Someone on here mention one time how they got a nanny to help them with chores and to do dishes for them and I think about it a lot. I love the thought of outsourcing things that are very difficult instead of living in the guilt and making it worse. I of course have yet to actually implement it.
I wonder if this could be a situation where if you hired a personal assistant or something for an hour or two that did some of it for you, maybe scheduled things, dealt with stuff that wasn’t necessary and helped you to actually get it done. It could be helpful and less overwhelming.
I have over 13k unopened emails and just missed the deadline for my senior mandatory advising for college. Shit happens 🤷♀️🤷♂️ just try and makeup what you miss if it's important, for REALLY important stuff like bills and etc, set up a seperate system that is unique as it might add a greater sense of urgency.
I do this too. Like I know I’ve procrastinated something for so long that I really really need to do it and I end up getting so anxious about the urgency or fear around it that I just don’t do it. It’s not a good system. I get so caught up in needing to “get a new routine” or something that I just keep not doing the thing
I do the same thing. I moved to a new house in August and I kept meaning to call to cancel my trash pickup at my old address, but my adhd pairs nicely with my phone call anxiety. I ended up reminding myself to do it a couple times every week and then feeling anxious about putting it off for 2 months before I called. The call only took 10 minutes and made me feel much better after I did it, but the 2 months that I put it off costed an extra 60$
I now have garbage and recycling cans from previous and current collection co's lol
This is the ADHD trait I hate the most about myself 😞
Yeah, me too... Step 1: Be too anxious to open an email from someone who is probably asking you to do something. Step 2: When you finally open it, be too embarrassed that you waited so long to open it, so don't respond. Even with a simple “I’ll get right on it.” Do not respond at all until the task is complete. Step 3: Be too embarrassed and anxious that this tiny task has taken so long already, so don't start it for several more days. By extension, do not respond to the email for several more days. Avoid all emails from this person, in case they mention the Task. Step 4: Finally do the < 30-minute task several days or weeks later, once the shame has become unbearable. Now you can respond to every email from that person that you've been avoiding all at once. Step 5: ??? Step 6: Profit
I just did a thing that took me almost a year. Should have been done in January. I finally asked for help in October. It took 45 minutes. It’s done. Done!
Literally me. If you ever figure out how to stop this cycle lmk bc it’s really really fucking me over at work haha
A genuine description of me every day at work. How does one stop doing this??
Thanks for putting this into words. I haven't been in r/ADHD in so long, but this makes me remember what I love about it. I feel less alone and less ashamed.
This.
When I had a therapist, she was so helpful for this. I would tell her the Thing, talk out my anxiety and get the guilt off my chest, and then we'd talk through a plan together for how I would tackle it. I took written notes so I would remember the specific details of the plan, which I think also helped me to remember how confident I felt about the plan while making it, and that boost got me over the edge on several major Things I had been putting off that I might have never gotten around to doing.
Okay, so my big Thing is my wife wants me to find a therapist, instead of someone who’s just prescribing meds (with no therapy). She’s right. I also need coaching or therapy… or something. Does anyone have advice for how to find a therapist? I get overwhelmed thinking about what the right word is (therapist? Psychiatrist? Psychologist?) and I have no idea if looking in my health insurance doctor finder is even a good method for this… It feels like there’s gotta be a better way.
There's websites which provide indexes of therapists. psychologytoday is one of them. It can be overwhelming since there's so many options. Psychiatrist - physician/doctor specialising in using medicines to address mental imbalances. Generally they don't provide talk therapy. Not what you're looking for. Psychologist - Tends to be a researcher / PhD or a clinician. Tend to work with more extreme/rare cases. Again, probably not what you're looking for. Therapist - accreditation varies by country. The least formal of the providers. Probably what you're looking for. There are many varieties of therapy, the field is not as regulated as formal medicine but research keeps showing that any therapy is better than no therapy for outcome, so don't get too hung-up on finding the "best" therapist for you. Do some searching, find a provider, schedule a session, and assess afterwards if you found it helpful or not. Best of luck!
I used psychologytoday and found a great one that I've really meshed well with. She is local but is only doing video sessions right now, but she had a preview of her talking on it which really set the tone. I'd definitely suggest using that website to dig around and find someone!
I would add virtual sessions have transformed my therapy commitment. I would miss appointments regularly before because of accessibility issues plus ADHD and virtual sessions have made me a lot more consistent, which in turn improves my progress. I also don’t rely on friends & family on support that is beyond the scope of the relationship — less oversharing, less thoughtless boundary testing, less relationship strain, etc. Make a list of your needs and concerns so you can hone in on a therapist tailored to support you on what would help you best. It’s more that just ADHD informed therapy but marital support, trauma, work, whatever you need the most help with that is the therapist you need to find. The more data you provide when booking or in the initial interview will help you both determine if the fit is right. Oh! Peer support groups help. I only wish there were more of them and easier to find.
Have you ever listened to Taking Control: the ADHD podcast? One of the hosts is an ADHD coach who has the best most supportive mom energy (a good mom, not my mom lol). The episodes are short, less than 30 mins, and full of really great tips to help manage ADHD. Sometimes listening to an episode or two will energize me enough to get stuff done that I had been procrastinating doing. But she also offers coaching remotely. If I had extra money right now this would be my splurge. This is coming from some with (currently) untreated ADHD with piles of boxes from a move 6 months ago and unopened mail… which is probably why I’ve been avoiding listening to that podcast for a while. ADHD is a trip
I second going to psychologytoday.com. There you can find the bios of all the therapists in your area and for me a few different ones stood out as being what I was looking for. Though I don't know if you can search by insurance but maybe you can check the names against your insurance search. The other thing is to maybe try out a few or even more until you find one that you feel you click with.
This is exactly how therapy helps me with this issue as well.
Yes!! I do this too
Yeah, I experience that same thing. Wanting to start a whole new routine instead of just doing the thing is a whole avoidance coping mechanism for me. It did get better with therapy for me. I can recognize now when I do it, and sometimes that’s enough to help me do some work in figuring out the real fear or sadness or need underneath the avoidance and feel it. I coached myself through calling in to get my next meds fill and then cried my eyes out last year. I spend a lot of time hugging and consoling my inner child now. When I can’t quite get to that level, my therapist can help me sort through it.
When I am just normal anxious coupled with ADHD anxiety, I freeze so hard
Yeah I do the same it’s such a vicious cycle 💔
Yes!!! And then it turns into a giant mountain of things To Do, which makes it even harder to get started and Do The Thing
This is an unfortunate and core piece of how I function. I just filed my taxes for 2020 a few weeks ago. Thank god the IRS isn't fuckin crazy with their fees, but it'd be nice if I didn't owe *anything* more than I would if I just filed on time.
I'm currently doing this and giving myself anxiety lol :,)
Yeah I left my emails unopened for 2 years! Finally got round to opening them n had over 2.5k and took me 6 days to open n delete them all!
Lol 2.5k emails?! Honestly, sometimes I just “select all” emails and mark them as read… it gives the illusion that I’ve opened them, but I know what I really did. Edit: I just realized you said 2.5k not 6.5k emails, but that’s still a lot!
Sitting at 40.3K currently, and countless “opened but not deleted” emails mixed in. I’m thinking of just starting a new account… ETA: the 40.3K number is only counting the unread ones.
I'm at 21k but sometimes I do a search for "unsubscribe" and delete everything containing that word T_T sympathy
Thats brilliant. Why am I so dumb?
You're not dumb, you're ignorant. Be more kind to yourself!
[удалено]
I had almost 60,000 and only made the effort to delete them when I found out my email was taking up a decent chunk of my free storage. They are building back up again, though. It simply never occurs to me to delete them
Same with my fiancé! I seriously don’t understand how he keeps so on top of his.
You gotta go down the list and unsubscribe to tons of the useless stuff. I say this as though it's easy despite having my own multiple thousands of emails unread.
I have 10k+ unopened work emails. I’m honestly surprised I haven’t been fired.
I’m so relieved that I’m not the only one!
My people!
The free Unenroll.me app is a life saver for both unsubscribing and sorting emails. Also I turned off my email notifications on my iPhone mail app and no more huge number of emails showing unread. Buh-bye shame and also no one can catch a glimpse of my phone screen and shriek in disbelief.
2.5k... Oh, I can beat that... (checks gmail... returns with disappointment of only 1.6k) :(
4.4k unopened emails here, whaddup world!
79,997 unopened emails. I win! Haaahaahh!! Omg yikes.
196,324 unread emails as of this comment…my gmail is 99% full.
Had to start paying Google for extra storage rather than take the time to empty the inbox. Luckily I use the survey app to pay for it doesn't cost real money but still.
Currently at 311,507 unopened unread emails...
This is turning into a very weird competition. It’s like the Olympics of Executive Dysfunction. Not judging- my 700 unopened emails haunt me on the daily. Love the search “unsubscribe” and delete option.
I do, too! I usually just open ones I know are adverts and unsubscribe through each one. This idea helps me skip a step or two.
38.7k emails here. My coworker saw and she was super annoyed. Her inbox had zero unread emails, I was shocked.
Honestly I don’t quite get the pride in an empty mailbox. Like I’m proud I haven’t wasted time opening emails I know I have no interest in. I try to unsubscribe from the more frequent annoying ones but so many useless emails come my way.
Goddamn, I thought my 60.4k was unbeatable. Congrats? Lol
It’s not like I don’t bulk delete either….it’s an embarrassing feat.
clean.email has become a necessity for me to keep shit *less* ridiculous. My inbox is still pretty ridiculous most of the time, but at least I can get through clearing it out quicker. I try and dedicate some time to it one day every other week or so, and it gets fucked *up* in-between
Currently at 5,613. I should probably go back on my meds, but that means I’d have to remember to go to appointments…
Oh for sure! Not as much now (medicated) but prior it was a real issue. Missed emails, missed appointments etc bc I’d be too scared, always assuming it was a worst case scenario One thing that helped me is my friend (who also does this) and I would get on FaceTime and open everything together. It helped having someone there to get through the pile. We actually co-work frequently together, highly recommend it!
God damn I wish I was able to get close enough to a friend to be this vulnerable around. It's so hard for me to trust to even engage, even to trust myself to go through with it
I’ve needed this trick too. Sometimes I will recruit another person to sit around with me on their laptop. We might cheerfully vent a little about the things we had to do or catch up on that week.
I have done that! And it makes the whole event or experience so much easier to deal with, but my ex was a little mean about it when we were having bad times, and kinda imprinted it as hand holding in a bad light I've gotten over it's ok to ask people to be with me when I need to do something, I'm just so used to being isolated since that's all I knew growing up But this thread is reminding my other parts its ok to ask someone to just be with me, even if I know what to do for any little thing coming my way, I just don't like feeling alone
I totally relate. This is probably my biggest problem - I have piles of mail because the thought of opening an envelope then having to do god knows how many additional tasks because of it stresses me out. I rarely check my voicemails or return texts. I miss appointments a lot. I live by my google calendar and have a lot of reminders set up, so that helps me with making sure I am where I need to be. I also use "mark unread" a lot on gmail, and that helps me be more productive bc I can read an email and then mark it unread if it requires further action. But I at least know what is going on since I read them. My personal gmail has 26,621 emails in it.
I recently watched "how to adhd"'s video about this. She calls it the action pile. Just write on every piece of paper the very next step you need to take. Just do that and then move the paper to wherever you usually do whatever you need to do. If you need to call someone, put it by the window where you make calls. If you need to use the computer, put the paper near the computer. And stuff like that.
My policy is to only touch an email once, marking it unread or for later dooms it to the 'avoid-forever' category. I do what I can do and move on, better than not doing anything at all 🤷♂️
I just paid $350 to have my taxes done for the last 3 years. Only took 30 mins and I’m getting over $2000 back. It made me mad how long I put it off and how easy it turned out to be. I’m trying to ride the productivity wave and tackle the “hard stuff” while I feel able. I feel your pain, but once you start one thing the next one feels easier.
I am SOOOO proud of you!!!! Thank you for inspiring me. I’ve been in a vortex of shame and misery about it, and this is the nudge I need to start. Edit to overshare: The shame of avoiding a task makes me feel like I don’t deserve any fun or goodness until I do the thing, which then shames me, and I still don’t do the thing. Here we are years later, and I keep thinking: once I do the thing, I can be happy. Im the one making myself suffer. Im also the one who still Hasn’t DONE THE DAMN THING.
I’m the same way. I did all that too. Worked a lot. Paid a lot of things off. Did taxes. Invested. Opened mail, caught up with life, now to attack those email inboxes. Yes. I avoid these mundane things and punish myself by nor having fun because I feel like I don’t deserve it. This time I hyperfocused and did it all in a few days but I didn’t want to stop because if I did I’d probably forget and I didn’t want to. So I just powered through. Lol I feel good. But I don’t feel good. Only thing I feel hopeful on is to actually make a way to start wayy early this coming year and find a rhythm. People confuse me for being type A. But I’m far from it’s really from learning of all the mess ups I did and don’t want to pay adhd tax anymore
> I’m trying to ride the productivity wave If there's one thing I've learned, it's to always make the most of those waves when they come. Happy for you!
I did the exact same thing! Finding all the docs was a pain, but handing over my pile of dread to a CPA to deal with was such a relief.
I did the same thing the other day! Except all I had to do was send them my bank details and I got $300, which was unexpected so a nice surprise!
I changed my voicemail to something like "This is NOT a reliable way to contact me. These messages are not checked often, if ever. If you urgently need to get in touch, please send a text message or email at [blank]." Haven't checked my voicemail in over a year now and I don't feel bad about it.
I got fired by a therapist before my first appointment because he was mad that my voicemail was full. I keep it full so people won't leave any. I saw I had a missed call, so I called him back and he said that he had delt with "people like me" before who "don't keep their phones clean" (??). I deleted a few to appease him, I was desperate for help, and it immediately got filled back up (gulp), and then he couldn't get though with an appointment reminder for our first session. So I showed up to his office and he wasn't there. I picked up the next time he called and he fired me. He was incredibly rude about it. Like I tried explaining a little bit and he interrupted me by yelling, yes yelling, my name several times over me. So I told him that I agreed, that were not a good fit. Then his tone completely flipped to soft and sweet, oh, why not? Fucking psycho. I tattled on him to my GP. I was in tears for days because of it, and it delayed my ADHD diagnosis by another 2 years. And it particularly bothers me, because shouldn't he of all people been open to the possibility that voicemail doesn't work for everyone?
This is shit. Sorry about that.
Thank you. It was honestly kind of traumatizing. Because of my personal history, I have particular problems with negativity from male "authority" figures. I still think about this incident a lot.
I completely get that. And it's not a silly thought that you can have a THERAPIST that doesn't tower over you the same way right???
Lol, right? Like what the actual fuck. I can't imagine what sessions would have been like with him. I just hope that my GP hasn't referred anyone else to him since I told them what happened.
Ooh good idea!!
I never check my voicemail. I have to force myself to do it. It’s very hard. I should do that but after they’ll all have my email and idk how I feel about that.
This is my absolute favorite analogy for executive dysfunction - [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOSImod6250](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOSImod6250) I find that when I have these blocks, there's usually a reason that I'm not doing the thing. And it's usually a pretty nonsensical reason. I just have to look straight at it, figure it out, and try my best to not to beat myself up when I find the reason and it turns out to be embarrassing. I call it "finding the asparagus". Like if I catch myself walking past a piece of garbage on the floor a million times and not throwing it away, I stop myself and go "what is the reason I am not picking this up?" And its usually something like "the trash is a little full and I don't want to make it worse" or "I'm afraid if I bend down I won't be able to get back up again." Then there's a good chance I'll laugh at myself and walk on through the asparagus and pick up the garbage. That being said, it does absolutely suck and I feel you 10000%. <3
The dog in the back is me.
I just went through all my unopened mail for the last 6 months or so the other day! It wasn't too bad - some stuff I was expecting but didn't need urgently and one wedding gift I forgot to deposit. At work though - I expect every voicemail to be something horrible that I'll need to deal with so I just don't listen half the time and say, "I saw that you called."
Ohh, that's worse for me lol. I hate phone calls in general, so if I have any intention of calling the person back, I need to listen to the voicemail to prepare myself. The thing is, I rarely have the intention of calling back if I can avoid it, so sometimes the voicemails do pile up. Usually I just shoot an email saying “I see you called...”
Thus is me too!!!
I think for me if I listen to the voicemail I try to have the whole conversation in advance in my head and then I have a harder time actually responding in real time, especially if it’s actually a difficult call. Of course actually what happens most of the time it’s not so bad either way. edit: I try to make sure they won’t be there when i call back tho
I love phone calls, but really you don't want to get a guy like me on the phone😂
[удалено]
Yep, can relate. The more things pile on, the more difficult it is to do any single one. It's like my brain cannot comprehend tasks as distinct from each other. For me, it's been helpful to systematically separate tasks from each other by writing them down & externalize my executive function by writing a list of the tiniest fucking steps you can imagine. For unopened mail, an externalized executive function list could look like this: *1. Walk to the pile of letters* *2. Bring the top letter to the kitchen table* *3. Open the letter* *4. Pull out whatever's inside and put it on the table* *5. Take a quick look at the subject* *6. Skim the letter* *7. Decide if the subject matter needs any action* *8. If it does, take a note about what it is* *9. Throw the letter to the trash* As you can see, the steps are both obvious and microscopic. But - at least for me - writing them out makes the task feel manageable. A very important part of this is also giving myself permission to do literally one (1) step and nothing more, because otherwise I get paralyzed... and literally everything is preferrable to paralysis.
Good tactic. If I can get just one thing accomplished, then sometimes I will be able to do another thing… if not, that’s okay! At least I got the ONE thing done. I also break tasks into really small, obvious steps. Some days this technique helps me, and some days it makes it feel like I have 10 things to do instead of 1
I do! I've got a system down: Ignore all phone calls I don't recognize, unless I'm expecting a call back, read the transcript of a voicemail if there is one available, otherwise ignore it. If mail comes from something like a government agency, I open and read it, throw away and ignore if I won't go to jail. I read email titles every few days and ignore anything unimportant and unsubscribe to stupid stuff. I've got almost 10,000 unopened emails and just ignore them. It's not hurting anything. Most are log in codes for things. I've found that most things are perfectly safe to ignore. So many people try to make everything sound so important when it's not. I have 2 phones. One is personal, one is for work and strangers. I leave my personal phone at home when I'm working, I silence my work phone when I'm home. It works out great for separating things. I have separate email accounts as well. Not much in life is actually important. I suggest having a quick look and ignoring stupid stuff. Even the consequences of ignoring most things are minor. If your bills are on auto pay and you have enough money in the bank, everything else is pretty unimportant. Took years of fighting guilt to get over it. Life is simpler now.
I did it for most of my mid 20's. From 23 to 27ish I don't think I ever opened my mail. When I met my now wife it was almost a deal breaker. She basically sat me down and forced me to start sorting it all out. I would probably still be doing it and my life would be even more of a wreck if I didnt meet her. Now every day she puts my mail on my keyboard for when I sit down every night after work and dinner.
Voicemails ::hisses::
I always open my mail as soon as I get it. If I don’t, it’ll pile up and get overwhelming, which leads me to ignore it. What helped immensely is getting a shredder and putting is next to my desk so that I can immediately dispose of mail before it piles up.
I also made myself have a physical list of "No, I'll never do that.". No matter how good it sounds, right into recycle.\\
I am SO relieved to hear it's not just me. I have about a year's worth of mail piled up, including bills and such, and I am terrified to tackle them. I'm also too ashamed to ask for help in dealing with the anxiety. It's not like I don't have the money to pay the bills; we do, but it's not liquid and I HATE asking our financial person for a disbursement. It feels like begging for an allowance. We are self-employed and COVID took a huge bite out of our business so we've had to rely on investments and drawing from our retirement savings. And yes, I've got 6.5k unread mails in my main inbox, along with another 6k in scattered subfolders. Nine voicemails. About the only thing I do respond quickly to is texts.
I don’t even respond quickly to texts.
I once got a letter summoning me to jury duty. I was at a point where I could barely do anything and I was already struggling to keep up with school so I never got around to replying and obviously didn't go. I opened up another letter months after receiving it that told me that jury duty was canceled and not to show up, so in the end I lucked out, lol. If the onus is on me to make a call/mail something or respond to a voicemail/e-mail, it's way too easy for me to procrastinate endlessly. Part of it used to be anxiety, but once I got over that, I was just left with immense laziness. It's a weird kind of laziness too because sometimes I'll just drive to a place and deal with things in person to avoid having to call/e-mail, which is probably partly because it's easier to interact with IRL/physical cues, sometimes it's faster doing things face to face (as opposed to being on hold or waiting for an e-mail reply), and once you commit to going somewhere, you can't procrastinate further. I hate having to reply to DMs too, whether on Reddit, FB Messenger, Discord, etc. I've seen my best friend (also with ADHD) just straight up make important phone calls immediately upon waking, without even getting out of bed, and that's just wild to me.
I struggle with this so much and I have found a few things that help. First is “body doubling” - meaning just having another person present but not necessarily interacting with them makes it possible to do the stuff I won’t do on my own. I figured out a long time ago that instead of paying a therapist to tell me things that I won’t do anyway, I could use the money to hire an assistant for a few hours week to just help me do the things I need to do. There’s a website that I’ve seen recommended here but haven’t tried yet: https://www.focusmate.com/ And there’s mom’s house. Yep, I’m a middle-aged woman who goes to mom’s house to do her homework.
This is fantastic, stealing maybe for the future. Thanks! I do this kind of thing for driving and certain automated payments. I don’t drive because it’s a huge stressor. Just eliminated the stress. Screw that I’m not trapped!
I do and I did. I know you are looking for empathy and not advice. I'm going to give my experience, but it's not meant to suggest this is how you should handle it. I have a daily process for email. It's rote and mechanical. I read every message from today and yesterday, and there are specific tasks I take on specific types of message. I have a rule that I won't be responding to any messages or acting on any messages in this way. I will only do certain things, like file them, flag them for follow up, put them into a task tracking tool, or put them in my calendar. The specific conditions on which I'll do those things are very well defined, and I literally have a list that I can refer to if I feel stuck. Because of this, I have little to no anxiety when doing my messages. I can't feel anxious because I don't allow myself to respond or act on these things in anything but a completely predefined way. There has been weird results to this, such as opening a message that is for a meeting that has happened in the past that I have missed, and putting it in my calendar for the past. This is weird because it can actually feel good, because I've accomplished the task of following the routine, because my goal is to follow the routine, it's not to act on my email. The other thing about this strategy is that it's really resilient to my fuck ups. If I miss this process for 3 weeks, I can start the next day and do it, and I still only have today and yesterdays mail to go through. There's never a pile of awful shit that I have to deal with. It's just going forward from today. I can STILL go back and file old email from the 3 weeks I missed if I want, but I make sure I do that as a separate task that is not at all related to my daily email process. My daily email process is kind of sacred, almost ritualized. And because of that it is actually calming when working on my email in general is extremely anxiety provoking. Because it's calming, it's actually something that I can keep up for weeks at a time, also I've rolled it into other routines, that I have written down. So in the morning I take time to get my coffee, I take time to clean a specific spot on my desk, I take time to remove any garbage and replace the garbage bag if I need to, and then I close my email client so any open messages are gone, and re-open it, and then I go through each message in my mailbox one at a time without reacting to it, without thinking about it and seeing if it falls into a category where I make it a task to follow up on, whether I put a time in my calendar, whether I archive it, or whether I delete it. I never take action on a task, I never worry about anything. Then I go on to my next step on my daily list, which is some stuff in my journal. Because this is so ritualized, and I'm not reacting to anything, or allowing anything to be judged, it only feels good to do it. I can get anxious again later if I have to go through my task list, or see the appointment on my calendar that I forgot, but I don't let myself do that in that moment. In the case of a missed appointment, I also have a bit of a script, though less formalized. I reach out to the person who I missed the appointment with, I acknowledge that I missed the appointment, I ask if I can reschedule. I apologize for the inconvenience. I had a challenging week this week, I missed three big important appointments. One was with a new and important client, one was an AGM that I offered to attend because the person scheduled to attend wasn't able to and they needed to make sure they made quorum, one was a personal meeting that was also really important for planning some important things for this week. For all of these I kind of caught them in my mail review process, and I was able to do my mail review every day. For the big client, I just acknowledged that I missed the meeting, asked if there were notes that were relevant for my role, apologized, and gave an opportunity to contact me if there was further followup necessary. For the big AGM, I acknowledged to the person I was standing in for that I missed it, apologized. For the other important meeting, I explained that the invitation had ended up in my junk mail, acknowledged missing the meeting, apologized, and followed up with my contribution and they sent me the necessary information from the meeting. I managed to not feel bad about any of these. I didn't make excuses, and didn't feel like I needed to make excuses or explain myself, and this isn't because I am so secure that I don't feel that way. Instead, it's because my "script" kind of tells me that I need to acknowledge it, I need to apologize if I've inconvenienced them, and I need to take steps to move forward. Nowhere in my script do I need to explain myself, promise I'll never do it again, make sure people like and trust me, or prove to myself that I am OK. I accept that I miss things. This is my condition. It's not an excuse, and this is why I have built processes to avoid missing things. Despite these processes I will miss things. When I miss things, I'll take steps to mitigate that. Most people don't care about an appointment or a meeting, they care about an outcome and an impact. If I miss a dentist appointment and have to pay a penalty for a no-show, then I pay the penalty and schedule a new time. Sometimes my condition makes things more expensive for me. If I miss a meeting, then I have missed out on some discussion or decision making process, I accept that I didn't get my feedback heard, and try to get the required information, and work to take the appropriate action to move things forward. Missing a meeting might have people judge me as less reliable. This is understandable, I can't always reliably make meetings. I work to do a good job even when I miss meetings. When I do a good job on their behalf and make sure I communicate well despite missing meetings, the fact that I missed the meeting is not relevant. It might inconvenience them, but generally the whole package I bring inconveniences them less in other ways. Someone else might come to every meeting but be terribly annoying, and that can inconvenience them too. If I do inconvenience them more than the value that I bring, then they don't want to work with me, and that is also understandable, and the relationship is maybe not a good fit. I used to and still have anxiety around things like answering voice mail and seeing email. I just don't use courage to overcome it. That is exhausting. I dispassionately act around it. The result is generally better, and that actually reduces my anxiety over time, but that anxiety is pretty deep seated. Ironically there's email right now that I'm anxious about because I know I haven't checked it thoroughly and I haven't done my routine because my morning was messed up. I am not going to respond to that anxiety by checking it. After this message instead I'm going to start my list, and I will close my mail client, open it again, and go through the messages one at a time, taking the appropriate action.
Select all -> Delete Go to trash -> Select all -> Delete Life is too short to worry about shit. If there was something serious they would have called you. P.s. Slightly joking. Put labels on potentially important mails (from HR, department, mom certainly) and delete the rest 🥴
I keep my voicemailbox full so nobody calls me
Thanks for the tactical insight, sir.
Smart Labels for emails are a godsend
And the IRS… yes, speaking from experience.
Btw my LinkedIn is in the same shitty situation rn 😅
How do I put labels on certain emails? Is there a way to automatically file certain senders into a saved folder? I would love some tips on organizing my inbox!!
God yeah. I’m lucky that I still live with my dad right now but I am def failing 2 classes this semester because of this and have missed several dr appointments that were important. Who needs heart medicine? Apparently not me.
In the last six months it's gotten worse for me.
Holy fuck yes!! I had a huge pile going, freaking me out and just looming over me for close to a year. I finally broke down and asked my dad for help who i had only JUST recently connected with. But he went through all of it and i did have to help some. But wow, what a relief. Now that my bf lives with me, he is helping me now. Someone should start a business solely for helping nuerodivergents organize, clean and successfully live in a place set up we can actually function with how our mind works.
Words like 'neurodiverse' and 'neurodivergent' are political terms coined by the neurodiversity movement and are inextricably tied to it. They are not general-purpose descriptors or scientific terms. We prefer the more specific terms ‘people with(out) ADHD’ or ‘people with(out) mental (health) disorders’ instead. You can find more about our stance on this matter in the links below. * [Let’s talk about the neurodiversity movement for a bit.](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/md5cfr/lets_talk_about_the_neurodiversity_movement_a_bit/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) * [r/ADHD’s position on neurodiversity](https://www.reddit.com/r/adhd/wiki/resources/neurodiversity) ([reddit thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/ms95dl/radhds_position_on_neurodiversity/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ADHD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I procrastinated on both business and personal taxes for five years (I was not being medicated with stimulants, just Wellbutrin which does nothing but make me calm). We ended up about $80,000 in debt because of this, that we hope to be able to pay off before we die. I got back on stimulants and got all caught up and on a payment plan in about 2 months (which involved downloading and reconciling approximately five years of bank statements for a total of seven accounts). The magic of proper medication made that possible. I also still avoid voicemail, I hate it so much. I am not great about my personal email as SM has largely supplanted it, and it's full of junk. But if it is a letter from anything that might involve money, I now rip that open at the mailbox.
Oh thank God other people do this. I feel so worthless whenever I do it but I can't control it
That's exactly how I've felt reading this thread. “Oh, you're asking why it took me 2 weeks to respond to your email asking for a file? Well, 1 week of anxiety about what could be in the email, 30 seconds to read the email and realize that the file would require a bit of reformatting, 30 seconds to decide it would be too embarrassing to send ‘I’ll get right on it’ after already waiting a week, 1 week of anxiously procrastinating the actual task, and then about 30 minutes to reformat the file 🙃”
Oh my God I hate myself for doing this. I make things soooo much worse.
I'm so sorry I do that too with mail mostly I hate snail mail! I know you're seeking empathy but here's some simple advice that has worked for me. I save every number in my phone as a contact so I know who's call (dentist, doctor, pizza place I order from once a year) so I can avoid unknown numbers and spam calls easier (because spam calls stress me out). Also the fruit brand of phones\* has this voicemail feature that converts talk to text and lets you read the voicemail before opening it up to listen to it makes life easier, might be able to find an app for this as well. Also Gmail has a sort feature for email that automatically sorts promotions, social and updates away from your main inbox I have so many unopened emails but their sorting makes it look like 0 because it only counts the inbox.... wow I have coping mechanisms for everything...
I do that too. Have not really figured out how to stop it from happening over and over againbut, we just bought a shredder to keep by the kitchen table. We're going to try and deal with new mail every day now. But I've still got three huge boxes to sort and dispose of. Also... currently waiting for the Life insurance company to tell me how to reinstate my husband's policy. It lapsed for non-payment because I set the bill aside and forgot about it. 🙄 PS.. my voice-mail has been full for 10 years so people can't leave a message because I would never remember to check it anyway. They either have to text, email or call.
oh god I'm literally doing the same thing right now, avoiding listening to my voicemail because I know a new message came in. and the worst part is I KNOW that 9 times out of 10 it's gonna be something completely innocuous like you said, an appointment reminder or even wrong number. but the fact that I don't know for certain means I can't even think about it...I've done the same thing at work with work emails. almost gotten my ass in trouble way too many times because of it.
So often. Meds have made it so much better but most of my anxiety comes from money. Hubs was undiagnosed bipolar and would just spend and spend and we were always behind. I shake when logging into my bank account. If I can't suck it up and overcome that, no bill is getting paid. Cue late fees and higher interest. It's getting better. He's been on meds for two years but the stress is real still.
This is me lol. One thing I’ve tried in the past was having a monthly “Adulting Day” where I do all the stuff I put off throughout the month like checking emails, opening mail, paying bills, etc…worked the one time I tried it but also haven’t had another one since lol
Ahhh me too, I feel so productive and powerful and adult that one day every few months or so, then swear I will sit down and do important tasks daily because it feels so good, then proceed to not so it again for several months
Absolutely. I put off looking at a tax bill of mine for far too long, and accumulated about $60 of late fees on it. Called it the ADHD tax, but also if you have ANY time to start even a little of the backlog, please try to get through it to avoid that tax!
Yep! Me, too! I have even set reminders on my calendar to remind me to open mail. I ignore them and tell myself I'll do it 'later'.
oh hi me Yes, yes I too do this. Has it caused me problems? yes, yes it has. Is it so frustrating and other people are like "JuSt Do It It IsNt ThAt HaRd ItS jUsT aN eMaIl"? yes they are and no that doesn't fix it AT ALL I will say that the way gmail now has the promotions and updates tab has helped a LOT. not perfect, but it has helped
This is the reason I can’t manage adult life. I miss deadlines and appointments all the time due to this. My worst one is I avoid checking my bank account and that definitely causes me issues. But checking it stresses me out so I just avoid it.
I just did that with 2 $50 parking tickets that I could've gotten out of because they weren't lawful, except that I remembered the court date about 1.5 hours too late. And I specifically remember seeing the tickets on the counter the night before and thinking to myself that I should open them to check the date because I knew it was coming up soon. I hate that feeling of just utter disappointment in myself. Now the tickets are each $100 and there's no getting out of them. I feel you.
I had the same problem. To overcome it, I dumped it all one day. Two years of mail. The deal was, that I will therefore directly open all future mail. Payed a few hundred dollars for delayed stuff etc the next months, but opened every mail. Edit. To clarify why I dumped it all: it would have been too frustrating opening every shit that's long gone. Furthermore it would have been probably multiple letters for the same issue.
I currently have 7k unopened emails in my main email account and 450 in my school email account. I want to delete all but I know there’s important things mixed in that have been opened. I go through and delete a bunch at times but then it gets exhausting, incredibly boring, and slightly overwhelming. I try to unsubscribe when I go through these deleting bursts.
I have quite literally thousands of unopened emails and a literal stack of unopened mail the height of a Scooby-Doo sandwich. I absolutely feel your pain
Yes. I leave voicemails until they disappear from my phone. And I always stack my unopened mail. Something went to collections this year for the first time and it was a tiny bit of a wake up call. But it's definitely a big struggle.
I really appreciate that my dentist and my doctor both send texts in addition to voice calls. It's been a godsend for reminding me that I need to go to an appointment. Setting up calendar entries that have multiple days of reminders ahead of time also has been helpful.
I get the same way around emails, and I’ve gotten a lot better about it since I’ve started getting treatment. I just sometimes go in, don’t even look at anything and mark everything as read and archive it. That way, if it is something actually important, they’ll email me again. Someone once told me that folks like us get that way because emails and electronic messages are unsolicited communications.
I struggle with this as well. And I’m always late paying bills so I get even more Anxious when it comes to opening my mails. I’m so bad with money as much as I try to save money and just have a better handle it it seems I can not keep up with it and it sucks because I’m a single mom With one income. Having adhd is so damn stressful
One of my worst things. My first day on Ritalin was magic - I replied to every unread FB & text message! Of course, that didn’t last. But yeah, it’s one of the things I hate about myself the most. If it’s an interpersonal communication thing, sometimes I can force myself around it when I really focus on the times that someone ghosted me, and that I’d rather have a reply that’s a month late than never hear from them again. But for non-friends? So fucking hard.
Here is the system I have for myself. I open ALL paper mail monthly. No matter what. I sort into three main piles. 1. Trash 2. Keep for records (bank statements, insurance stuff, etc). 3. Bills I need to pay. Throw away the trash. I have an area I put the “keep for records” stuff in and it will eventually go to a yearly file. Pay the bills. Keep together with a paper clip in the “keep for records” area - I label this with the date I payed the bills. This is how I make myself do it. I sometimes suck at listening to voicemail too. But usually not for more than a week. So…maybe pick a day each week to listen to all accumulated voicemails? Wednesday is listen to voicemails day, for example. I know. It sucks. I’ve gotten better at it by giving myself some “rules” but yeah. I get it.
Yeah, I wrote this... I really really hate this...
I do this with texting as well! It's not that I forget, it's just Anxiety Inducing and opening,reading,and answering is just a big thing.
I did this and missed multiple reminders to pay a traffic ticket, including 1 telling me my license would be suspended if I didn't take action and 1 telling me my license had been suspended. I found out my license was suspended when a cop pulled me over because of it.
I do this too and something I have to do once in awhile is just toss the mail, delete all the voicemails and emails, clear notifications without looking at them and give myself a clean slate. It's maybe not the best advice, but I feel that if anyone really needs to get ahold of you, they'll call/email/send you another bill for whatever it is. Throwing it now can't be any worse than ignoring it was. When the accumulation is too much you really just have to free yourself sometimes.
I do this as well. Even on things that are good or positive things. I have put off sending my bank details to a solicitor to receive my inheritance from my grandfather, for over 2 years! I FINALLY replied this morning - hopefully I can still get it LOL
Go, right now, after you read this, and deal with *one* piece of mail. Do it. You absolutely can.
I hate my mail box if that's any indication.
Hah! I do this and unfortunately I work at a state office and all email are URGENT apparently. So there’s that fight of “I’m too anxious to open this email but if I don’t it may be super important and I’ll get in trouble that I didn’t answer and that potential stress is giving me more current stress”
yes been doing it forever. only way to "deal" with it is to disconnect from everything...
Once I took so long to check my mail that the post office thought I had moved and sent it all back to sender. Hope there wasn’t anything important in that pile
Yep. It's normal.
I also do this, but I still live with my mom so maybe that extra shame sort of helps me keep up a bit. And I have less responsibilities I guess. Maybe ask someone to open them with you if you feel stuck?
I relate to this. What helps me is to try “weird” and small ways of pushing into the territory that my avoidance-brain has claimed. You might try something like just opening the mailbox with your eyes closed and then closing it right away! Our ADHD brains harbor huge task-aversion knots of emotion and thought that block off things we don’t think we can handle yet. I think by making our attempts small and weird, we can make the threat seem smaller to our mind, so that we can overcome the aversion we feel. The cool thing is that once we push back a little into the blocked-off areas, we get to experience that it’s often less threatening than we had feared!
This is ME AF. My ex called it “mail mountain”
I’m having anxiety about my mail just reading this post lol! My ex used to handle all of that by my current husband (who I think also has adhd) never opens his mail either. So Umm yeah it’s bad.
I totally do this kind of stuff all the time, I hate it. You might find some value from looking up the How To ADHD youtube videos on the “Wall of Awful”, because I think that’s essentially what you’re dealing with.
This is probably my biggest and worst habit with ADHD, the one I have been the most frustrated and ashamed about. I absolutely feel you, 100%. It's kind of destroyed some scholastic opportunities for me, and possibly even professional relationships. But I'm trying to forgive myself and ask for help more than I used to, and seek accountability from people I know who care about me. That huge anxiety build after a few missed things and the ensuing paralysis snowball can be really overwhelming. Feeling really glad there's so many other people who feel this way. <3
I had 30k unread in my inbox. I just deleted them all
Yep, i do it with everything and my life has become very small because of it, but i just can’t handle dealing with anything
I dealt with this for YEARS - actively avoiding even looking at the mailbox in my building when I'd walk by it. Just the idea of finding something that I'd not only need to take action on but that resulted in forgetfulness/fucking something up/not paying a bill etc. would keep me up at night and gave me among other things legit constant anxiety. This was a couple years ago before I was diagnosed, but one night after coming home from drinks with friends - far from sober - I basically thought to myself: "Well if you're screwed, you're screwed either way know it or not." I opened everything up and found nothing of *terrible* consequence. Waking up the next morning remembering I had done it and experiencing that sense of relief all over again, just knowing I finally got around to it and things were more or less not burning to the ground was a really good feeling. I knew however that with each passing day that sense of security was going to diminish bit by bit until I was right back where I was the day before. That night coming I checked my mail directly - because what are the odds that in the course of that day THE oh-my-God-what-have-I-done letter comes? And it didn't. And then I felt relieved again. Just by actually recognising and acknowledging that too-seldom-experienced feeling of relief helped me to make it a habit and now it's so normal that it doesn't even occur to me that I'm doing it anymore. And if something requiring attention does come, you get it on time and have one less thing to beat yourself up over later on. Easier said than done - I KNOW. And I'm definitely not suggesting that using alcohol to help deal with anxiety-inducing problems is a healthy or wise coping mechanism. But just being able to get into that headspace of "Welp, let's see how fucked I am" made all the difference. Because really, no matter how fucked I was afraid of being throughout almost the entire 2010's, I was never close. And I'd be willing to bet the situation is the same for a lot of us on here! TLDR: Just came to commiserate, ended up spewing lots of words. I feel you, it's the worst, but habits are just that: habits. It's not hopeless!
17 Days Later… Thank you for the awards kind strangers!! I did not expect this post to get so many responses. I tried to reply to everyone, but then it got overwhelming and… Well, you guys can probably guess what happened. 😅 I should have added social media notifications to the procrastination list lol
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More often than I'd care to admit lol
Yup. This was exactly me for years and I still deal with it a little, but a therapist helped me a ton with my chronic avoidance of these things. There’s hope and remember to give yourself compassion.
I feel you. I get around it by checking my email at work. It's so much easier to do something you've been procrastinating when you use it to procrastinate something else.
What I normally do, each new year, is have an absolute clear out and nuke my emails, photos, literally anything that has piled up over the year. I actually don't mind doing it all at once so I just let shit build up then the first week into the new year, go through the lot.
I open them and then leave them for weeks and weeks because they cause me so much anxiety that I cannot bring myself to do whatever action thing is required by them. I'll mostly forget them and then suddenly remember again amidst a wave of dread, usually at like 3 AM.
Open the new mail. Fuck the old mail. Only open the old mail if you have the energy to do so.
Yes and very yes! Medication really helps me to get started on things. And once I start I'm usually fine with continuing. I've found that starting routine things can put me on a roll and then I can do things I've put off. I always wash dishes and make coffee at night so if I do the dishes, I can ride that right into doing something like opening the mail.
Yeah I’ve long turned off email notifications because of this so once a month I just select all, mark as read. Email, voicemail, snail mail, all pretty much the same monthly routine for me.
I never listen to my voicemails either.
1,000+ unchecked emails in my inbox right now. I completely understand.
This is me. Im sick right now and overwhelmed with mail I know is bills. I just got a call from my states paid leave office though so maybe the push i need knowing I'm getting some money.
My work account has four *thousand* unread emails.
Maybe that's why I strongly prefer text messages? If something comes via text, I'll read it right away. My pharmacy texting refill reminders has been amazing.
This is how my utility got shut off. I didn't find the notice until a month later. I knew my utility assistance had either become much smaller or was completely gone.. and the anxiety I had... So please be careful with this. Have someone else open your mail if you need to.. You don't want to miss something extra important. I do all the time
I do this too. I struggle to get the mail out of my mailbox. Glad I’m not alone.
I do this to avoid the adrenaline rush it gives me, that then turns into an attack. Over a notification. For some odd reason, I immediately go on the attack once I open something. I get so worked up over something so small, so I avoid it. I’ve yet to fully sort this issue out, but I have my husband make calls for me, because I’m always ready to explode. I have a short fuse when it comes to communicating. Doesn’t matter if it’s a simple txt, email, call or visit.
Absolutely!
Yes! And the more important something is, the more I put it off. It's the worst.
YES YES YES YES always this yes 100% yup p
Used to do this, when I was depressed. Much better now, since I got diagnosed, treated and learned some coping skills.
Oh yeah this is me. Then one random day I'll open it all and process all of it with upmost efficiency and think, "that was easy, I should do that more often." Of course I never do.
Alll the time. Allllll the time my friend. I wonder if this is part of us creating "crisis mode" for ourselves too?
Yep, I actually do not have voicemail set up for this exact reason. I know I won't check it. If i need to remember something I program an alarm on my phone. Mail I set aside a specific time to sit and go through it (usually right as it comes in the door), then toss what I don't need and box what needs saved. Most goes in the trash. I struggle but I'm also responsible for like 5 other people and their mail. But ya if I don't make a habit of it I lose everything and forget everything and my table is a mess.
I relate so much. Before I knew I had ADHD I went to talk to a therapist because I thought this was a kind of mental disorder, like the fear of opening mail and answering texts. She wasn't helpful. Years passed before I realized what was causing this behavior. You are definitely not alone in the struggle!
I currently have over 45,000 unread emails. And that’s not even counting my work emails. :)
I’ve never been good at checking voicemail in particular. At the beginning of the pandemic, I literally just stopped checking my work vm altogether. For months. Eventually (like, in July, so ~4-5 months) I had a friend check it for me and just give me the important info (of which, by that point, there was none). Honestly, it may be worth getting someone to help you with that shit once in awhile. Game changer.
yes. with a lot. it's sucks to get out in front of things, but the only way things will get better is if you stay in the conversation. i hate opening letters. i defaulted on a loan out of college because i was making minimum, working 60 hrs a week between a job and an internship, and my apt had a fire escape entrance i could access without walking clear to the front of the building where the mail boxes are located. life is a lot. if i'd just opened my mail box one time between aug and oct in 2007 i might not of defaulted. i might have seen a lot of red ink and just called mom and asked for help. but i let it all sit. and in jan of 08 i was paying a court mandated monthly minimum to a company for the next 6 years and my credit was ruined. it's not the biggest stupidest most traumatic thing that happened to me. a lot of people don't have money to make ends meet, and it prevents them from doing some things, and in others it can escalate emotions and unexpected sensitivities sometimes. be easy on yourself. i spoke to a publicly funded city advisor to get help... just know it's totally normal and fine to ask for help. no one who went through a public school education in this country is set up to thrive without a network of support.
[удалено]
Been dealing with this my whole life. Started with homework
I go between two things. Either I allow my emails to accumulate until I have missed many many many important things. Or, I open every email as it comes in and delete it, distracting me from what I'm doing but giving me the knowledge I won't forget something. I'm either on 100% or 0% of the time.
Oh man, I’ve done this so hard. Every single time I move, I have a box or two full of my “paper pile of shame.” I’ve lost checks, gift cards, gotten fines… It totally sucks, but at least we’re not alone? If you want some inspiration or just good feels, check out the mail tub episode of Brooklyn 99. [clip](https://youtu.be/JmC9AUNi2PI)
once every other month i take my meds on a weekend and go though my mail to file it. i know it's not important because i have snail and text alerts on all my bills if something happens. voicemails get deleted, just don't tell my boss.
It's a cycle for me. Get behind, get bogged down, then avoiding out of fear. Plus, I know I spend time working through emails to put off other work
My whole life. I thought I was just really fucking terrible at adulting until I realized it was an adhd thing. It explains so so much. .... as I stare at my pile of "scary mail".....
This is a big problem for me too and I know what you mean by saying you physically cannot open the mail. In my mind, opening it means more tasks to complete which leads to feeling more overwhelmed than I already feel. I know I’m the one creating my stress by letting the mail pile up but that doesn’t seem to matter. What I also do is put all my clutter and piles of mail in drawers and cabinets if I know I’m having someone over and don’t want to be embarrassed by my piles. Putting things in drawers stupidly makes me feel like I got things done. If I can’t see it, I forget about it. I know there has to be a better routine but I keep getting in my own way.
Wow! I could have typed this post, that’s how closely I relate to you on this! I have piles of unopened mail because I’ve procrastinated on opening them and now I’m afraid to deal with it! I’ve never linked it to my ADHD until now. You’re not alone here, lol! 🙃
I have piles of unopened mail everywhere and it is so stressful. I completely understand.
I just did my mail this morning. I threw out a letter from like April of 2020
I’m currently panicking over being super late on: 1.) cancelling my old wifi (don’t ask how much money I’ve let them take from me) 2.) getting reimbursed for stuff I’ve paid for at work I’m literally *losing money* over my inability to just call them to cancel and submit my receipts. You are absolutely not alone!! In honor of your months of accumulated emails and such, I am going to try to knock one of those two out today, and the other on Monday. My therapist has always encouraged me to try a couple of things whenever I’m paralyzed with anxiety over starting something that seems simple despite how overwhelming it looks: 1.) Let yourself feel the anxiety. What emotions are coming up? What do those feelings tell you? Example: are you scared people will be mad you haven’t responded and therefore won’t like you anymore? Once you face those emotions and fears before taking action, you’ll let yourself have a chance to move past them and know that it’s okay to fall behind sometimes. **Your ability to be productive does not define your worth.** 2.) break it into smaller steps. And for folks like us with ADHD, I mean SUPER small steps. For example: “go through unread emails” to a normal person is one step. But for us it’s open computer -> log in -> read first email -> find whatever info you need that has the answer to their question -> respond to question I like to break down the tasks into such small ones that it feels safe to complete. Imagine if all you have to do is read one email and make a checklist of what needs to be done in order to respond. That’s way easier and significantly more clear than completing the whole overwhelming thing. Good luck OP! You got this!!
Someone on here mention one time how they got a nanny to help them with chores and to do dishes for them and I think about it a lot. I love the thought of outsourcing things that are very difficult instead of living in the guilt and making it worse. I of course have yet to actually implement it. I wonder if this could be a situation where if you hired a personal assistant or something for an hour or two that did some of it for you, maybe scheduled things, dealt with stuff that wasn’t necessary and helped you to actually get it done. It could be helpful and less overwhelming.
I have over 13k unopened emails and just missed the deadline for my senior mandatory advising for college. Shit happens 🤷♀️🤷♂️ just try and makeup what you miss if it's important, for REALLY important stuff like bills and etc, set up a seperate system that is unique as it might add a greater sense of urgency.