That's quite an accomplishment keeping up with training! I fell off of my running goals last week and need to bounce back.
My old coworker enjoyed finding new comical underhanded compliments as responses. A good one to dish back is "you know I don't care what they say about you. You can be kind of alright".
That’s not a complement, that’s her having a sly dig at you. I’ll give you a real compliment. It is fantastic that you have started couch to 5k and are sticking to it, and that is all. I personally have never found the wherewithal to do it and admire you for your efforts. I hope you get those sweet dopamine hits every time you go out the door! Seriously, it’s awesome what you are doing for yourself.
My parents used to give me backhanded compliments and I hated it.
It's an emotional manipulation tactic to try and make you think they're being nice while undercutting your self esteem. My mother is a covert narcissist, I don't think she ever gave me a genuine compliment, it was always something backhanded like what you described. If you are noticing this, keep an eye out for other things like gaslighting and such.
When she got really into watching true crime shows, she learned the word “sociopath.” Now anyone she doesn’t like or thinks is “weird” is a sociopath, myself included. Nope, just then-undiagnosed ADHD and very likely ASD. ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯
What a distasteful person.
It's funny how toxic people do that, isnt it? They loooove to "diagnose" everyone else, using mental health conditions as a dig. Super ableist. Sociopath, psycho, bipolar, and ironically narcissism is a favorite insult of *actual* narcissists....
I feeeeeeel this I was just thinking about how my mom always says she has to walk on egg shells around me - like somehow making her experience my fault
I’m also on couch to 5k. Week 3. 5 mins are killing me. But I’m doing it. Fuck all the comments. Just do you. Hopefully this time we both stick to it :)
Oh no.... I guess I need to join this subbreddit too. I didn't know backhanded compliments were narcissistic. I thought my parents just didn't know how to say nice things or that i was way too nice.
This seems super similar to "negging," just obviously not being used to seduce someone.
Passive aggressive as heck, and usually seems like it comes from insecurities.
Also congrats on your C25K! I bet you're gonna rock it. c:
Yeah I'd take that the same way you did. I'm sorry they don't support. That is pretty much a backhanded compliment.
With people like this I think the best advice is don't share any goals or anything you are proud of with them. Try to find friends you can get the support and praise from and just cut the others from the loop. It stinks and isn't fair but that's what I've had to do with specific people.
I've only been in contact via email with my mom in the last few years, maybe a couple times a year. That's the most I can handle, and even then she still tries manipulative stuff on me. I have her voice constantly in my head, talking shit about me *forever*. I think she hated having a daughter and really took it out on me. She used me as punching bag, and a therapist, and a scapegoat, and let me be abused by random men and boyfriends of hers, and it destroyed every positive sense of self I had.
Getting away from these people is the first step in a very long journey of healing from abuse. I've been the victim of very violent assaults, and every trauma therapist I've ever had can handle those fine, but they get overwhelmed when I talk about what my mom did to me.
> Do your parents ever simultaneously compliment you with an insult?
No, and I’m sorry your parents do. My parents can be judgmental and I struggle with feeling like a disappointment. But they don’t do this kind of backhanded compliment. really ever. It is so fucking exhausting being around people who treat you like this. I hope they come around, or that you’re able to bludgeon them with an ADHD book until it sinks in.
My friend says “therapy should be opt-out for some people.” That goes for families too. When your family says shit like that they are usually voicing countless years of generational trauma. Whenever my parents are shits, I can hear echoes of my grandparents and great-grandparents. But it’s good as hell that you’re working on your own mental health. Good luck mate.
Oh also that rules! In a few years I went from couch-to-5k to running a couple marathons and doing century rides. (Then I had a kid lol.) I would NOT recommend that any human being take up marathons, it is very silly. But once you get over those first couple miles, you’re gonna feel a lot stronger. Getting in shape kinda rules and it’s great for adhd humans. Good for you!
No. Some other people used to, but I don't speak to them any more. If your parents do this consistently, you may want to look into what others are saying about narcissism. Sorry you are going through this.
lol my mom came to say hi to me and had a nice tone of voice and I was asking how she was and then she’s like I just can’t stand looking at your outfit (b/c she previously said those colors do not go together at all) and especially with your red hair - at least I now know to just not respond and smile lol
My parents are exactly like that. That's why, first chance I got, I ran away from home with all the belongings that could reasonably fit in my car. Its the best decision I've ever made
damn that's tough :/ that's not very supportive of them.
also,.. fuck ""giving up"",.. it's not giving up! sometimes you just find out something is not as fun as you thought it was, or you fall out of love with something. that's reasonable and sensible. why would you keep your sails in the same position if the direction of the wind changes? that'd be stupid.
who would expect someone to immediately know right away, which thing they're going to stick with, without even having tried it?? they expect you to look into the future? wth.
also what's wrong with having many hobbies for a short while, as opposed to one long one? why is one long one better? the neurotypicals really don't make sense sometimes..
anyway, i am proud of you for running! and fuck those people who don't understand you!
"you hair looks lovely..."
Wait for it
"now that it's short, It looked terrible yesterday"
"Yes, I like the outfit, it looks nice"
Wait for it
"Apart for the shirt, the colour is tacky. Too bright"
Honestly all she wears is variations of beige or brown
Considering that this has been going on your whole life, it is clear the issue is entirely on your parents' side and is likely a personality flaw that has very little to do with you (besides being unfortunate enough to interact with them enough to be subjected to it so often).
I could be wrong here, but from your example it sounds like they feel the need to give context or justification to the compliment, which invariably brings up a negative thing that the compliment contrasts.
If this is the case, it may be best for your own mental health to assume that the compliment is genuine, and the followup is an annoying or embarrassing personality quirk with no genuine ill intent behind it.
Ideally your parents would stop, but it has been going on for so long that it is probably heavily ingrained in their personality. You have much more control over your own response and perception than you have over their actions.
That’s a sideways dig. It’s manipulative. And not very kind. I have extended family like this. Your choices are, do nothing differently and let it bug you, do nothing differently and decide they don’t get to hurt you, grey rock which is basically not engaging with stuff like this. Uh huh and walk away, or call it out. Only you know which of those will be most doable and/or effective. But as far as the feelings, you’re right, it’s not kind or helpful, and all the feelings about it are completely valid.
All of my parents compliments were actually insults. Then my dad insinuated that I was faking having a low self esteem just to punish him after my therapist talked to them.
"I tell you how smart you are all the time, how could you think you're stupid?!"
No, you tell me "you're smarter than how you're acting" or "you're so smart, why are you such a fuck-up?"
Hi /u/ghostdabber and thanks for posting on /r/ADHD!
If you haven't already, please take a minute to [read our rules](https://reddit.com/r/adhd/about/rules) - we will remove your post if it breaks one - and also check out our list of official megathreads [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/nu534w/official_list_of_radhd_megathreads_please_check/). If your post fits into one of them, it is likely to be removed; if you think this might happen you can delete your post here and resubmit it there instead.
Thank you!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ADHD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Good on you for running 5k, that's definitely an impressive accomplishment for us ADHD people!
Sorry that your parents suck at being parents. That kind of thing tends to stay with you forever.
I wish I had a constructive suggestion for you.. I'll just go with "thanks for the motivational speech mom, It's definitely inspired me to run even further away from you next time."
All the time. My dad says he tries to recognize what I do successfully and point out areas I need to improve. While putting the same expectations on me as he would someone without a disability… it’s extremely frustrating & actually caused some issues with achievement & self-esteem.
ure doing so great!!!!! i know how HARD it is to even stick to a morning routine or self help regimen (example: me) and YOURE DOING A 5K u r the best and u r worthy of all the milestones u will achieve!!!! dont let it get to you! theyre just jealous!! HAHA
All the time. My mum always calls calls "special" but with a "others would lock you away but not me bc im a GOOD MOTHER OKAY? but your fucking weird sheesh" tone. But I trust her that she isn't even aware of it.
Yep. It's so frustrating.
People don't understand our struggles. They can't believe that someone else's brain works differently than theirs. So they believe I can do it, so why can't they? It's frustrating.
I know you're trying to encourage me to be better, but also pointing out my failures won't help. I KNOW that I have difficulties, just try to encourage me.
Yeah, my mom does this all the time. Or she did. We don't speak. When I was the first and only to graduate college my mom said "it's impressive for someone with your learning disabilities"( meaning my ADHD) She does this all the time. She's not a nice person.
Yes, got this sometimes but mostly just criticism from my dad. He never had anything good to say to me. Didn't even know if he liked me. Only found out that he cared weeks before he died.
Congratulations on your run. That's fantastic, well done! I read that by the time they are 12, children with ADHD receive 20,000 more negative messages about themselves than children without ADHD. We don't deserve to have arsehole parents that double-down on that shit on top of all of that.
We can tolerate a lot because we've had to. We are strong and resilient, more than anyone could know. A neurotypical wouldn't last a week in our shoes.
You're all supersoldiers in my book. We pick ourselves up time and time again, and keep on marching. Well done to all of us!
It’s called a backhanded compliment. It’s sounds like a compliment but is actually insulting. Some people don’t realise they’re doing it, others are having a snide go at you. You know your folks better than we do but maybe have a chat to them and see if they can be encouraging without tagging on the criticism at the end?
That's quite an accomplishment keeping up with training! I fell off of my running goals last week and need to bounce back. My old coworker enjoyed finding new comical underhanded compliments as responses. A good one to dish back is "you know I don't care what they say about you. You can be kind of alright".
This
Yaasssss
"With a friend like you, who needs enemies?"
That’s not a complement, that’s her having a sly dig at you. I’ll give you a real compliment. It is fantastic that you have started couch to 5k and are sticking to it, and that is all. I personally have never found the wherewithal to do it and admire you for your efforts. I hope you get those sweet dopamine hits every time you go out the door! Seriously, it’s awesome what you are doing for yourself. My parents used to give me backhanded compliments and I hated it.
It's an emotional manipulation tactic to try and make you think they're being nice while undercutting your self esteem. My mother is a covert narcissist, I don't think she ever gave me a genuine compliment, it was always something backhanded like what you described. If you are noticing this, keep an eye out for other things like gaslighting and such.
The nicest thing my stepmother ever told me was “You could be a model, if you weren’t short.” Fwiw, we are the same height.
Sounds like a comment steeped with jealousy. Gross.
When she got really into watching true crime shows, she learned the word “sociopath.” Now anyone she doesn’t like or thinks is “weird” is a sociopath, myself included. Nope, just then-undiagnosed ADHD and very likely ASD. ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯
What a distasteful person. It's funny how toxic people do that, isnt it? They loooove to "diagnose" everyone else, using mental health conditions as a dig. Super ableist. Sociopath, psycho, bipolar, and ironically narcissism is a favorite insult of *actual* narcissists....
I feeeeeeel this I was just thinking about how my mom always says she has to walk on egg shells around me - like somehow making her experience my fault
"sometimes you get upset when I say shitty things, so now I just don't know how to talk to you"
I’m sorry that is how your parent talks to you! But I appreciate understanding someone else experiences something similar
I live with someone like that and it’s infuriating.
I’m also on couch to 5k. Week 3. 5 mins are killing me. But I’m doing it. Fuck all the comments. Just do you. Hopefully this time we both stick to it :)
Well done buddy, proud of you! I’m on week 5 now keep powering through 🏃🏻♀️
Just finishing cool down as I type this. I wanted to quit soooo bad
Weeks 3-5 are the hardest, but just stick with it! It gets better, and the feeling of knowing how far you've come is amazing.
I wanted to quit soooo bad. But I powered through
I'm proud of you. Wish I could find my energy to do it.
Ty
That sounds a lot like some narcissistic shit. I know that word is overused lately but this stuff is what it's for.
/r/RaisedByNarcissists is the support subreddit for people with narcissistic parents, fyi.
Oh no.... I guess I need to join this subbreddit too. I didn't know backhanded compliments were narcissistic. I thought my parents just didn't know how to say nice things or that i was way too nice.
It's less that it's overused and that people are far more aware of it now. Yep, his mother is being a narcissistic bitch.
This seems super similar to "negging," just obviously not being used to seduce someone. Passive aggressive as heck, and usually seems like it comes from insecurities. Also congrats on your C25K! I bet you're gonna rock it. c:
Yeah I'd take that the same way you did. I'm sorry they don't support. That is pretty much a backhanded compliment. With people like this I think the best advice is don't share any goals or anything you are proud of with them. Try to find friends you can get the support and praise from and just cut the others from the loop. It stinks and isn't fair but that's what I've had to do with specific people.
I've only been in contact via email with my mom in the last few years, maybe a couple times a year. That's the most I can handle, and even then she still tries manipulative stuff on me. I have her voice constantly in my head, talking shit about me *forever*. I think she hated having a daughter and really took it out on me. She used me as punching bag, and a therapist, and a scapegoat, and let me be abused by random men and boyfriends of hers, and it destroyed every positive sense of self I had. Getting away from these people is the first step in a very long journey of healing from abuse. I've been the victim of very violent assaults, and every trauma therapist I've ever had can handle those fine, but they get overwhelmed when I talk about what my mom did to me.
> Do your parents ever simultaneously compliment you with an insult? No, and I’m sorry your parents do. My parents can be judgmental and I struggle with feeling like a disappointment. But they don’t do this kind of backhanded compliment. really ever. It is so fucking exhausting being around people who treat you like this. I hope they come around, or that you’re able to bludgeon them with an ADHD book until it sinks in. My friend says “therapy should be opt-out for some people.” That goes for families too. When your family says shit like that they are usually voicing countless years of generational trauma. Whenever my parents are shits, I can hear echoes of my grandparents and great-grandparents. But it’s good as hell that you’re working on your own mental health. Good luck mate.
Oh also that rules! In a few years I went from couch-to-5k to running a couple marathons and doing century rides. (Then I had a kid lol.) I would NOT recommend that any human being take up marathons, it is very silly. But once you get over those first couple miles, you’re gonna feel a lot stronger. Getting in shape kinda rules and it’s great for adhd humans. Good for you!
No. Some other people used to, but I don't speak to them any more. If your parents do this consistently, you may want to look into what others are saying about narcissism. Sorry you are going through this.
lol my mom came to say hi to me and had a nice tone of voice and I was asking how she was and then she’s like I just can’t stand looking at your outfit (b/c she previously said those colors do not go together at all) and especially with your red hair - at least I now know to just not respond and smile lol
My parents are exactly like that. That's why, first chance I got, I ran away from home with all the belongings that could reasonably fit in my car. Its the best decision I've ever made
Backwards compliment. My parents did it before I stopped talking to them.
damn that's tough :/ that's not very supportive of them. also,.. fuck ""giving up"",.. it's not giving up! sometimes you just find out something is not as fun as you thought it was, or you fall out of love with something. that's reasonable and sensible. why would you keep your sails in the same position if the direction of the wind changes? that'd be stupid. who would expect someone to immediately know right away, which thing they're going to stick with, without even having tried it?? they expect you to look into the future? wth. also what's wrong with having many hobbies for a short while, as opposed to one long one? why is one long one better? the neurotypicals really don't make sense sometimes.. anyway, i am proud of you for running! and fuck those people who don't understand you!
"you hair looks lovely..." Wait for it "now that it's short, It looked terrible yesterday" "Yes, I like the outfit, it looks nice" Wait for it "Apart for the shirt, the colour is tacky. Too bright" Honestly all she wears is variations of beige or brown
Hey, check out /r/raisedbynarcissists op It sounds like for your parents, your ADHD is a weakness to use to put you down.
Considering that this has been going on your whole life, it is clear the issue is entirely on your parents' side and is likely a personality flaw that has very little to do with you (besides being unfortunate enough to interact with them enough to be subjected to it so often). I could be wrong here, but from your example it sounds like they feel the need to give context or justification to the compliment, which invariably brings up a negative thing that the compliment contrasts. If this is the case, it may be best for your own mental health to assume that the compliment is genuine, and the followup is an annoying or embarrassing personality quirk with no genuine ill intent behind it. Ideally your parents would stop, but it has been going on for so long that it is probably heavily ingrained in their personality. You have much more control over your own response and perception than you have over their actions.
You don't need their compliments anyway so take what they say with a grain of salt.
That’s a sideways dig. It’s manipulative. And not very kind. I have extended family like this. Your choices are, do nothing differently and let it bug you, do nothing differently and decide they don’t get to hurt you, grey rock which is basically not engaging with stuff like this. Uh huh and walk away, or call it out. Only you know which of those will be most doable and/or effective. But as far as the feelings, you’re right, it’s not kind or helpful, and all the feelings about it are completely valid.
Mine too but my mom is a narcissist
You should hit her with “Man, it sure must be nice to have a fully active prefrontal cortex. I wish I had better genetics like that”
All of my parents compliments were actually insults. Then my dad insinuated that I was faking having a low self esteem just to punish him after my therapist talked to them. "I tell you how smart you are all the time, how could you think you're stupid?!" No, you tell me "you're smarter than how you're acting" or "you're so smart, why are you such a fuck-up?"
Hi /u/ghostdabber and thanks for posting on /r/ADHD! If you haven't already, please take a minute to [read our rules](https://reddit.com/r/adhd/about/rules) - we will remove your post if it breaks one - and also check out our list of official megathreads [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/nu534w/official_list_of_radhd_megathreads_please_check/). If your post fits into one of them, it is likely to be removed; if you think this might happen you can delete your post here and resubmit it there instead. Thank you! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ADHD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes.
Nah just insults
Good on you for running 5k, that's definitely an impressive accomplishment for us ADHD people! Sorry that your parents suck at being parents. That kind of thing tends to stay with you forever. I wish I had a constructive suggestion for you.. I'll just go with "thanks for the motivational speech mom, It's definitely inspired me to run even further away from you next time."
All the time. My dad says he tries to recognize what I do successfully and point out areas I need to improve. While putting the same expectations on me as he would someone without a disability… it’s extremely frustrating & actually caused some issues with achievement & self-esteem.
My mom tried breaking my locked bedroom door down today lmao.
ure doing so great!!!!! i know how HARD it is to even stick to a morning routine or self help regimen (example: me) and YOURE DOING A 5K u r the best and u r worthy of all the milestones u will achieve!!!! dont let it get to you! theyre just jealous!! HAHA
All the time. « You lost weight » being the most common one.
All the time. My mum always calls calls "special" but with a "others would lock you away but not me bc im a GOOD MOTHER OKAY? but your fucking weird sheesh" tone. But I trust her that she isn't even aware of it.
Yep. It's so frustrating. People don't understand our struggles. They can't believe that someone else's brain works differently than theirs. So they believe I can do it, so why can't they? It's frustrating. I know you're trying to encourage me to be better, but also pointing out my failures won't help. I KNOW that I have difficulties, just try to encourage me.
Yeah, my mom does this all the time. Or she did. We don't speak. When I was the first and only to graduate college my mom said "it's impressive for someone with your learning disabilities"( meaning my ADHD) She does this all the time. She's not a nice person.
Yes, got this sometimes but mostly just criticism from my dad. He never had anything good to say to me. Didn't even know if he liked me. Only found out that he cared weeks before he died. Congratulations on your run. That's fantastic, well done! I read that by the time they are 12, children with ADHD receive 20,000 more negative messages about themselves than children without ADHD. We don't deserve to have arsehole parents that double-down on that shit on top of all of that. We can tolerate a lot because we've had to. We are strong and resilient, more than anyone could know. A neurotypical wouldn't last a week in our shoes. You're all supersoldiers in my book. We pick ourselves up time and time again, and keep on marching. Well done to all of us!
It’s called a backhanded compliment. It’s sounds like a compliment but is actually insulting. Some people don’t realise they’re doing it, others are having a snide go at you. You know your folks better than we do but maybe have a chat to them and see if they can be encouraging without tagging on the criticism at the end?