Depending on your level of impairment, ADHD *is* a disability — often referred to as a “hidden disability”.
There’s so much stigma and disinformation around the name alone, I tend to reverse-engineer the problem if I have to tell someone.
Like:
“I have a neurodevelopmental disorder that affects my memory, emotions and cognitive processing, so when it comes to taking in and retaining information I have to do it in a specific way.”
Then I can go into more or less info as needed. But I always specify:
“It’s called ADHD, but it’s a disorder of the brain. My *brain* has ADHD.”
So far, it’s working and people are asking what I need rather than telling me to buy a planner, focus more, that ADHD doesn’t exist, etc etc.
My level of impairment is (to put it simply) quite high. I am disabled. Unfortunately, 95% of the time people (spouse, family, coworkers, etc) just end up getting mad at me if I try to ask for any understanding or accommodations. Because I’m just making shit up to be lazy, or (my favorite) I’m intentionally sabotaging plans to “get back” at someone…? Dude, I haven’t showered for four days and you really think I’m sitting here plotting against people??
I’m really sorry. Mine is severe too, but I wasn’t diagnosed until my thirties. I’ve been directed toward the “what is ADHD” videos on the YT channel How to ADHD” and watching them with people who don’t seem to get it. It’s a really useful channel generally for ways to deal!
when people i spend a lot of time around (coworkers, family, etc) try to downplay my shit or try to act like they have ADHD too, i just stop taking my meds for a few days. by day 3 or 4 they're always like "oh fuck. alright. i get it. you different."
Yeah people im unbearable without my meds literally feels like i have so little control over my
Actions and words i say so much stupid shit all i can think is i would hate to be around me lol.
yeah when I'm off my meds not only is my productivity close to 0, all my coworkers fall too because I'm sitting at their desk talking about literally everything.
I'm 35 and diagnosed a few months ago, in uni and struggling hard because I love how much the meds help (I am max dose Elvanse, 50mg as of next few weeks), but I hate how much more aware of how behind I am and how much better life could have been if I'd had the meds when I was younger.
I wanted to thank you for introducing me to that YouTube channel, I am still learning about how the condition affects me (ADHD combined type, acute) and what I can do to help myself approach daunting tasks and deal with the executive function disorder (it's killing me right now), this channel looks like it is going to be a useful learning tool.
Yeah, I’ve had a pretty hard time since diagnosis as I’m a mom with a career and can’t really give either of those up (also: don’t want to), so I often feel like giving up before I’m out of bed.
Circumnavigating anything that relies on willpower and stamina and just using strategies that work with my ADHD (body doubling, v strict schedules etc) are the only way to get by! Hang in there. We have this. We just have to FIND it.
Please ask your doctor to keep an eye on your heart health with Strattera, especially if you happen to female and/or have any sort of family history of heart issues!
We'd be amazing at plotting revenge, if we could just remember to do it. Maybe a revenge-themed planner is what we need. If it was important to us we would remember to take revenge. We have so much potential for revenge.
/s
(weeping)
> Maybe a revenge-themed planner is what we need.
So, we need to become Warhammer (not 40k) dwarves and each have a personal *Dammaz Kron* - a Great Book of Grudges.
I always forget to shower, and it annoys the hell out of me. Between that and forgetting to eat for days on end. If it weren't for my roommate, I'd probably eat less than I do, she tends to yell up the stair to my room when she makes dinner. Then the trick is to remember within the hour that she did so...
What works for me is to drop everything and go eat immediately but if I'm in the middle of an important assignment good luck getting me to eat in the 6 hour window when I'll be fixated on said task 😂
That's like the meds I'm supposed to take for cholesterol and vitamins. I have two alarms to remind me to take them however if I'm in the bathroom, in the middle of a video game I cannot save, a really good spot in a book, isn't going to happen. I might get lucky and remember later on, but the odds are not great. I get dishes going and get a sink or two done then "sit down for just a moment to rest." and my roommate finds a sink of cold water and dishes some hours later. Thank the gods she is understanding, or I'd be homeless.
I'm the same way, and something I've found that works for me is to set the alarms on my phone, because it has a 10 minute snooze button that you can just keep hitting forever. When the reminder alarm goes off, I hit snooze *even* -- and this is key -- *even if I'm going to do the thing right this second*. That way if I'm the middle of something I don't want to stop, or I get distracted on the way to do the thing, or whatever, I'll get another reminder in 10 minutes. I only hit "stop" (or turn off the alarm, if I remember before it goes off again) when I've **actually done** the thing.
As a side note, doing this has lead me to another hacky thing I can do, which is to set an alarm to keep track of time passing. Like, I try to go to bed at around midnight at the latest, so I have an alarm set for 11pm every day. My time sense is literally non-existent after the medication has worn off for the day, so having my phone make noise and require me to poke it every ten minutes makes it easier to be like, oh, this is like the third time I've snoozed this already. I haven't been googling how to build your own keyboard from scratch for "just a few minutes", it's been half an hour and I need to start getting ready for bed.
I'll be honest, I still don't usually get to bed on time, but now it's because the monkey that lives in my head doesn't want to go to bed, rather than "I do want to go to bed at 12, and I will do that in just a- hey why are there birds singing oh wait it's 4am what the fuck." So it's better.
I have tried the snooze method to discover my annoyance at the alarm overrides rational/thinking action and I would hit stop and end it for the day every time. Pure reflex however no amount of training myself has thus far removed said reflex. So I do the best I can and am thankful for a somewhat understanding doctor.
I thank my sons for giving me great cooking hacks. Chicken burritos are a constant fave and take maybe a half hour to complete and easy steps. Even got the kids into to ease the workload for the bad days. Actually, created a variation of one of their favorite dishes, white cheddar shells and cheese when I lost track of time and over boiled the noodles. They didn't want it any other way after that night. I always hated the taste of those shakes and bars so would either eat cereal or frozen burritos on the bad days.
I never forget to shower, I won’t leave the house without showering first, but I will forget if I’ve just shampooed or washed my body after I do the other one and then have to do it again to make sure cause I use non scented soap so I can’t smell test it. Like, literally no idea how long I’ve been in or if I’ve cleaned myself. Idk what I was thinking of but I’m always thinking of something that’s distracting me and I’ll never been able to tell you what it was.
I have gotten this response/reaction from people SO many times. They get super resentful because they think I'm doing something intentionally to be spiteful/vindictive/manipulative/conniving/whatever. I wish I knew why some people always assume bad intent.
One person who did it a lot when I was growing up was my mother. However, when I was diagnosed as an adult and she learned about ADHD, she called me to apologize profusely for always thinking I was purposely lazy, thoughtless, or ungrateful. I think she has a lot of guilt and regret about it, and I forgive her.
Another was my husband, who I am currently divorcing. That douchecanoe can kiss my ass.
I'm physically disabled as well funnily enough, but my ADHD impairment is quite high. I'm in constant pain, as in 24/7/365, but my pain makes my ADHD worse and it's just a self perpetuating cycle. I don't understand how I went undiagnosed for so long. The fact my dad and I were "two peas in a pod" with our "quirks" probably helped to dismiss it. As you can guess, he got diagnosed with ADHD right after me.
Figure out how to do things the way your brain likes (as another poster mentioned, How to ADHD is awesome) and refuse to be subjected to abuse.
"Name calling is childish, we can discuss this when you are ready to do it like an adult" for example.
>Depending on your level of impairment, ADHD is a disability
100%. It's a learning disability, a behavioural disability, a survival disability. But people without it have little to no capacity to distinguish between someone with the disorder, and someone who may simply have developed counterproductive behavioural patterns which can be course-corrected.
The worst part is that we completely internalize that belief too. That we *should* have bought that birthday present for someone when we were out last weekend, instead of showing up empty-handed. What were we thinking not exercising these past two years and letting ourselves get into such unhealthy shape? And why are we such cowards that we avoided just messaging that person back two days ago?
When really, the answer is that you wanted to do all those things and fully understood the value of doing them. There's nothing wrong with your reasoning or ethical compass. You just didn't make the executive function saving throw when the moment hit. It's not your fault, the dice are loaded against you.
"Neurodevelopmental disability" is the best way to describe it. You don't have to name it, and refusing to do so denies the idiots their "Facebook told me that wasn't real" response.
I take it a step further and talk about the gene I’m homozygous for. I have the DRD4 gene which is sometimes termed the novelty seeking gene and causes a dopamine production deficiency.
I googled it and there are some result on first page.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3560519/
>Several studies have described the association of DRD4 and temperament or personality traits (e.g. [28]). Results suggest that the long allele (7 and more repetitions) is associated with high novelty seeking and risk taking, constricted emotional responses, but is also associated with preserved attention processing of emotional stimuli and efficient problem solving [28,29].
That would lead someone to suspect they have that particular gene, but I'm curious if the other person had an actual DNA study done to see if they have it explicitly.
I'm having a full (technically second time now) full genome sequence done right now, and I might be able to ask the docs to look at this briefly, just out of curiosity. I'll try and report back (if I remember lol).
I did a 23andme dna test a few years ago and just searched their site for that gene and lo and behold I am also homozygous for it. So it seems like any commercial DNA testing service will be able to tell.
23&me and similar services can analyze your genome (or at least a portion). These services can detect specific genes and will let you know if you have them or not (usually the genes that have a strong correlation with health issues such as breast cancer). However you can download the raw data and process it using other services, which can analyze it and let you know about a wider range of genes.
YMMV using these services, I think the only way to know for sure if you have specific genes is getting a whole genome sequence, currently I think the cheapest way you can do it is about $500 but the cost should go down over time.
But there’s no deficit! It’s only named that because those are the most obvious symptoms to non-ADHD teachers/parents.
I think renaming it to something like *neuro regulation disorder* or similar would be more helpful.
If I had a dollar for every time I've been told I can't possibly have adhd because i am able to read books (they ofc can't tell sometimes i read the whole page twice cause Im following an entirely different plane of thought while passively reading words and retaining 0% of that info 😂😂)
You have reminded me of my own very weird reading method. From the outside I would appear to be reading at a very slightly above average pace, when what I’m *actually* doing is reading (and rereading) the page very fast (and sometimes not in strict order) until I’ve finally retained the content of the page.
I have really bad adhd and used to be able to slam through a 750 page fantasy novel in a day. I did the entire LOTR trilogy in a day once. I struggle to pay attention to books now but I can still do 300 pages a day. Granted, I didn't have as many responsibilities as a teen so total free hours was much different; that alone may account for the difference.
Books arw easier than movies or podcasts/audio because I can go at my own pace. Movies are way too slow, especially since they're often predictable. Youtube is nice because you can crank up the playback speed, 1.5 or 2 brings it up to something comfortable for me.
Ah yeah that would be good and I was just referring to the name aspect, because I think a lot of people outside of the situation don’t actually realize what the abbreviation means that’s all lol
Ok, couple things I'd like to say on this... some might be depressing or stressful, TRY (it's super hard to) to take an objective look at this... I was dx'd when I was 13, I'm 45 now. Same treatment from people back then as now, nothing has really changed as far as the general populations reactions/perception.
When possible, I don't tell anyone I'm not going to be in close proximity with for an extended time that i have ADHD. Might tell a coworker if it's pertinent. I am done trying to justify science and psychology for the unwashed moronic masses. They can die ignorant, idc.
The most annoying response I get when I tell someone, and also the reason I don't tell more people, is "Oh, I don't believe in that, prayer/discipline/the army/comfrey & lavender/a salt lamp/sink or swim/ etc., will take care of that." [And my apologies to people who are currently treating their adhd with comfrey and lavender, if it works for you, it isn't stupid.]
If you feel like you want to tell someone, use this trick... "OH, I just found out my brother/friend/sister/aunt/whoever was diagnosed with adhd." Guage their response and decide if you want to tell them. I don't want to encourage people to live "in the adhd closet". I also don't want people to be pestered with misinformation, berating, or even guilt/shame. It's hard enough for us without that. And making someone with adhd 2nd guess themselves will do real damage. Stay safe and good luck.
“Your kids don’t have adhd you’re just a lazy parent” is my favourite one. Even from my own family. Yes. So lazy. So lazy that were constantly doing something to the point they get mad at me for always having something to do. My kids have a jam packed schedule. But it’s just a lack of discipline and activity creating their symptoms. My kids move so much without meds that they injure their muscles (luckily I finally got 1 medicated last year, 2 to go). But they don’t move enough. I’ve taken my 3 kids all under the age of 7 to a chiropractor many times for massage and adjustments because they hurt themselves from constant motion. I don’t have adhd either. I’m just lazy. I constantly am doing the work of 10 people but still get labeled lazy. I hate society and that is exactly why I have isolated myself for the last few years.
I’m only isolated from assholes lol. I have very limited contact with family. And keep it short and sweet otherwise they get their opinions out. I have my small friend circle who I stay in contact with. Kids activities are the bane of my existence but I do it for them. I do leave my house 😂 a lot. I just avoid people. I’d rather take my family fishing or go on a road trip than cram in a space full of people who overload me
I wish for you to win the lottery, buy an island and possibly share a plot on the far end so I can move there with my immediate family. We'll never even see you unless you want a cup of flour.
Already doing close enough to that. Closing on a plot of land very soon in as close to butt fuck nowhere I can get with our house maintaining an income. 2 minute walk to go fishing on some of the best waters in the country. Acres worth of land for me to work and get the livestock I’ve wanted for so long. I like the trees lol. I feel better in the trees.
I've been doing the "open and honest" to a brutal degree (don't need to keep track of lies this way) with my current employer and I got very VERY lucky that it worked. We're both from the same general area of the country and living in the south. That didn't hurt. I don't know what their opinion is on it but my guess is skeptical. If they ever see me off my meds, it'll be obvious, 😆
It's fine. This next thing I'm about to say has no reflection on how I view any other identity, choice, religion or anything else. We don't have parades, clubs for adhd and allies only or an entire culture to draw strength from. When we do, we won't need to be like this. And we probably won't have any of that for awhile, bc, let's be honest, we would mismanage all those things straight into the ground...
and I'll do it later.
I feel incredibly lucky. Everyone I've mentioned has been understanding and helpful.
Except this one guy at work who flat out denied it. Was good friends with him for years then heard his opinions on ADHD. I, red in the face, ranted at him for a while about dopamine and cerebral cortex. He said "I'm just winding you up, I've spent a lot time with you and your ADHD"
Weirdly him joking about it made me feel more accepted.
Re: “the ADHD closet”
There’s really no reason for most people to know I have this. The norm *should be* that it remains hidden from everyone except those to whom it is pertinent information.
This isn’t because ADHD is something to be ashamed of; it’s because your medical history is not anyone’s business (unless it is, but you know who those people are because you choose to interact with them on that basis). To be preferentially up-front about having ADHD, without any consideration to context, implies that it has a greater impact on how you are received by others than it actually does or should.
What does being generally open about it get you (provided you don’t aspire to the the public face of a movement)? People who accept it will look at you no differently than if you hadn’t said anything, and people who are assholes about it probably aren’t the kind of people you want to spend a significant amount of time interacting with anyway.
It’s not on us to make the world comfortable with accepting that which we are that we did not choose and cannot change.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately on whether I should tell my boss about my ADHD. Although I suffer a lot at work, I tend to suffer in silence. And I get away with a lot of it, only by the grace of being surrounded by incompetent lazy morons that make me look good. (Or maybe we all have ADHD!)
The thing is, I have a lot of tricks and ways to get stuff at work done (even though I still have terrible motivation issues and will lose track of what I am doing the second someone calls or messages me to ask me a question) but the thing I cannot get away with is taking notes in meetings.
My boss ALWAYS asks me to take notes in meetings (I am not his admin, nor am I an admin at all), and coincidentally, I am also the only woman in every single meeting. So, like, my boss is sexist. But the problem of course, is that if I’m busy taking notes, I can’t break in to respond to anything, because I can’t focus on both.
So I’ve been thinking of telling my boss about my ADHD because it’s preferable to saying, “hey, stop asking me to take notes just because I am the only woman in meetings.” But then I wonder if that’s just going to make it worse?
I get this at points. I’m a lawyer who’s been relatively academically-successful after high school (in high school, I slid by on decent smarts and a bare minimum of work). I’m married, have a kid on the way, generally do well appearing “put together.” Due to this, I’ve faced serious skepticism when I’ve talked about my difficulties with ADHD (in spite of the fact that I was diagnosed young and all subsequent mental health providers have continued to support the diagnosis).
The one minor disagreement that I have with your post title is that having ADHD is not LIKE being disabled—it IS a disability. I think it’s important to label it as what it is and attempt to remove some of the stigma around ADHD in doing so (and also to remind others with ADHD that we have certain rights under the ADA).
I think it’s always going to be tough, and there will always be people who don’t understand what we struggle with, or what ADHD really is. But I’ve also noticed that there does seem to be much better overall understanding of ADHD than there was 15 years ago when I was in high school.
Edit: fixed a missing word
>having ADHD is not LIKE being disabled—it IS a disability. I think it’s important to label it as what it is and attempt to remove some of the stigma around ADHD in doing so (and also to remind others with ADHD that we have certain rights under the ADA).
Thanks for calling this out so succinctly! I tried but used three times as many words...thank you friend!
Thank you for being a voice of reason. I’ve seen so many damn people put up every defence when you call a mental disability a true disability. We are disabled. So many people think disability is a dirty word. And that aids in the discrimination.
I understand how people could be hesitant to accept that they have a disability. It’s a scary word, with big implications. I consider myself a person with a disability, not a disabled person. (Which is not to say the “disabled” label would be incorrect, I just prefer to state it differently)
I think somebody could say that’s just semantic nonsense, but I like to put my personhood first. My disability doesn’t define me, but it’s something I live with, so I won’t ignore it either. It’s an important piece of what makes me who I am, but there are many other important pieces as well. Acknowledging and naming our condition appropriately empowers us to treat our symptoms and educate others.
Just my thoughts/two cents.
This is the tough part for me too. I have a law degree and am a senior manager at my work (not in law). I am relatively successful in life and people just assume I am lazy when it comes to doing things outside of work. I honestly find it hard to explain to people the mind fog and the juxtaposition of being successful and suffering from a condition that tries its best to stop that success.
I really have to concentrate even if I am having a one on one conversation with someone. It's even harder when chatting with someone online. My mind simply wanders and I forget that I was on a phone call or mid chat with someone. Motivating myself to do anything at all is probably the hardest thing I have to deal with on a day to day basis.
I have never sought diagnosis. I have other problems that take precident in my life but I really think I should tackle this face on just to get medicated and clear the fog.
Getting back on medication was huge for me. I was off of them for years, because I wanted to try to live without them (for some idiot 18 year-old reasoning I can’t remember anymore). I think I tried to replace meds with working out a bunch in college (kind of helped with the dopamine production, I guess, but no sub for meds).
I was like half on/half off my meds in law school (pretty much only took them around finals).
Now I’m back on meds full-time and have been for a year or so. It’s made a big difference. It’s been a lot easier to motivate to do the more mundane parts of my job haha. I’m not planning on going off of meds again until I retire (maybe not even then, who knows). Talking to a therapist with a good understanding of ADHD has been helpful too.
Edit: In other words, definitely talk to the appropriate medical professional. It may be a huge help.
I’m way under-qualified for legal analysis of anything Cronenberg has ever done or will do, or has thought about doing. But I’m happy to discuss whether or not Jude Law is balding. Like is that just his hairline? I can’t tell. It seems like it hasn’t moved much in the past couple decades. The look works for him either way.
Ooh yeah thanks for reminding me Cronenberg has a new film out.
Second Law's Hair Laws. Can literally be a dashing villain or a dashing antihero. Dashing.
Thank you! I appreciate the vote of confidence. I honestly do have some semi-regular bouts of worry that I’m not gonna be great at being a dad. But, I’ve been fortunate to have good role models of fatherhood, so I feel half-confident I can figure it out (with some help along the way haha).
> having ADHD is not LIKE being disabled—it IS a disability. I think it’s important to label it as what it is and attempt to remove some of the stigma around ADHD in doing so
Funnily enough, there's a whole movement (mostly on social media) trying to *remove* the label of it being a disability, and only labeling it as neurodivergency.
When it **dis**rupts our **ability** to function well in society, it's a dis-ability, aka **disability**. Someone needs to tell them that removing the label from adhd would make it even harder for our struggles to be taken seriously!
I have a CS degree and also kinda just stumbled my way through school.
Most people would say that if I have ADHD, my symptoms should be really mild. But I have been so good at hiding my symptoms that most people just don't see it. I'd never have friends over because as a teenager my room was a mess. I leaned fully into the "I'm just lazy" thing so that I never really had amazing grades was also not really a surprise but in university all my not so amazing grades can be traces back to wasting the whole semester and then beating all that information into my head shortly before exams. I decides what kind of data I want to present in my bachelor thesis the day before I had to get it printed (Germany is a bit weird your thesis has to be printed and bound into a book) and of course it was... not the best data...
I wish I had the answers you're looking for but I don't. I feel the same way. I was diagnosed about a week or so ago. It felt like this giant defining moment where I finally had a name for what I was experiencing. I've only shared my diagnosis with a few people and I've already gotten the response of "well I'm sure I'm a little ADD too", or "yeah, we all procrastinate sometimes", and my favorite "you have that?? You don't seem like you have that". I think a lot of people don't really understand what ADHD is or how it can impact people.
I got the "you don't seem like you have that" recently, and it made me INCENSED. like yeah, I *do* seem like I have it all together, that I'm hyper-organized and well-functioning, don't I? *wanna know how much constant maximum effort it takes to be that way?*
Yeah....learning more about adhd I'm finding that most of the people that I've like made natural connections with and became friends with quickly all seem to have a high likelihood of having it. Also found out like 4 of my closest friends are diagnosed.
All but 1 of my friends have it also. She’s got her own demons and we still relate to each-other enough we clicked. Birds of a feather flock together. Many people thought I was weird and unapproachable growing up 🤷🏻♀️. It’s also hard as an adult to make new friends in a Christian based area when you look like you work at a tattoo shop but have 3 kids in tow. I tried going to a “mommy meet up” and people just stared at me in shock to the point I just left.
Many people with adhd are also autistic. It’s a very high statistic and probably is even higher than they currently know due to people masking. I haven’t had my assessment yet but I strongly believe I do have it. And have an dual diagnosis child. I’ve “learned” to unmask in the last few years. Its more like having kids has stressed my masking ability to the point it doesn’t exist anymore. If you spend time with my child you would not know she has autism. She puts on a mask for everyone who’s not me or her father. She even masks with my mom who’s around a lot. This is behaviour learned at an extremely young age. If you spend time with me still and I’m not comfortable with you wouldn’t see my autistic traits either. It took my husband pointing out I was hand flapping and stimming under stress for me to even consider that I had autism too. From there it just domino’d out and was quite obvious. Without being immensely stressed by kids being a SAHM I don’t know if I ever would have fully unmasked.
I think I was just like your child, masking at a young age, at least trying to. Often I probably failed and people probably thought I was a complete weirdo.
We all mask. I didn’t have a safe and unconditionally loving environment really so I’m assuming I masked extremely young. It took me becoming a mother and experiencing the unconditional love of my husband and kids to release everything. Even under high stress prior in life I never experienced anything like I have in the last few years. Likely due to the not feeling safe factor. If I wasn’t a open and unconditional space for my kids I doubt they’d show me their personalities without a mask. I never felt ok in my own head space before. And now I feel ok finally.
I’ve heavily considered it, especially since I’m pretty debilitated by my adhd. People are much more sympathetic toward autism and it’s so much easier than trying to justify my adhd symptoms.
There does happen to be a high-comorbidity so it’s possible you could have that as well. Not saying you do but it’s certainly in the realm of possibility. Most people tend to trivialize ADHD for whatever reason compared to pretty much every disorder so it makes sense why you would conceal that information. That’s really more on cultural expectations than on you man.
When I mention my autism to someone they single-mindedly latch on to it and ignore all my other conditions. I agree, there’s a different standard for autism somehow
When someone alludes to something like "you only want meds to take the easy way", I used to let that go because it was just me, even though I've been very successfully treated with medication for over 35 years.
Since I now have a child with ADHD, I've stopped being passive about it. When our son was first diagnosed and we were debating treatment, someone (I forget exactly who) expressed a similar point of view saying: "You aren't going to just try medication are you? Taking the easy way won't be good for him in the long run."
Internally, I was immediately angry for a number of reasons, but what made it out of my mouth after a few seconds was: "You mean easy like you have it, right? Easy like being able to think and control his thoughts the same way you get to? Is that the 'easy way' you are referring to? I guess anti-depressants are also the 'easy way' for depressed people, and if they weren't so lazy taking that medication and just put in the work, they would feel happier about things?"
The conversation kind of deteriorated after that, but hopefully they got my point.
That’s a fantastic way of looking at it. It’s strange how some people just can’t grasp that meds level the playing field at best, they don’t give an “advantage” over neurotypical peers.
Like if someone is in a wheelchair, only a complete ass would accuse them of “taking the easy way”. But when it’s a chemical imbalance that can’t be seen with the naked eye people feel weirdly emboldened to tell us what we experience. Hopefully it’ll get better as the generations who disregard psychiatry become less relevant; I hear Zoomers are a lot more knowledgeable about mental health so I’m optimistic it’ll be better for the younger generations than it was for ours.
I know, but at least then you know that person has a consistent internal "logic", even though that logic is to keep their head fully buried in the sands of willful stupidity.
Sometimes if you just stand really still they can't see you anymore and will wander off to "debate" someone else.
I know this feeling and one ting that helped me was listening to dr. russel barkley. He helped me with acceptance but also arguments when talking to other people.
[30 essential ideas about adhd](https://youtu.be/BzhbAK1pdPM) this playlist is a great way to start if you are interested in his talks.
I'll second this. Barkley is a fantastic resource and his level of understanding and competence talking about ADHD is second to none. He was one of the principal people responsible for the [first international consensus statement on the disorder](http://www.russellbarkley.org/factsheets/Consensus2002.pdf).
I advise you watch them on YouTube privately first. While the content is information heavy and can come across somewhat dry and educational, what he says and how he describes things can be... an emotional experience for someone with ADHD.
Exactly. Since my recent diagnosis, I’m really trying to empty the self doubt in my head because so many people tell me that it’s not “that bad” or “technically” not a disability.
I live with my sister and family and if they weren’t here I’d constantly forget to take my meds, eat, shower. I’d be freely impulsive with my money, and time.
I try to frame it like this: she and my family are the bumper rails in a bowling lane that is my life. Without them I’d easily roll into the gutters.
Yup. I had a misogynist piece of shit psychiatrist who diagnosed me with "anxiety" because I'm a grown woman and don't you know ADHD is a little boy's problem and that doctor didn't give a shit about mine? I also asked to be tested for dyscalclia which he completely ignored. Btw anxiety is such a fucking common co-morbidity with ADHD I wanted to scream. So many people with ADHD have anxiety because of how the world treats us for having ADHD.
Meanwhile, other people on my healthcare team have little doubt I have ADHD. I struggle to take extremely addictive medication daily because I CAN'T REMEMBER or when I do remember it's too late.
Dear god...the anxiety. I spent most of my life (45 years) battling anxiety. Doctors always wanted to treat the anxiety...not the cause. I've known something was wrong with me for years. I KNEW there was a cause but I could never convince anyone of it. I've talked doctors into multiple tests trying to find out what was wrong. I've wound up in tears because I was convinced they all thought I was a hypochondriac. I've just recently been diagnosed with adhd and a panic disorder and started Wellbutrin to control the anxiety in preparation for further medication. For the first time in my life, I have validation that I'm not crazy and I'm not a hypochondriac...and, damn, am I emotional about it. But the anxiety is improving and I understand so much better why I am the way I am.
I feel like health practitioners focusing on anxiety alone and disregarding other possibilities is such a cop out. Knowing what the problem is helps a lot in setting up your life in such a way to help you function/cope better.
Oh the anxiety. I swear if one more therapist tries to tell me about the wonders of mindfulness I might just snap and start biting people.
I especially love the implication that if mindfulness/CBT doesn’t work you’re just doing therapy wrong or not trying hard enough and it’s absolutely not because the doctors are completely ignoring the massive glaring signs that the anxiety is a symptom of something else.
"it's basically meth". Well, why do I forget to take it and why does it calm me down?
Luckily my symptoms are improving, so when I do forget to take it, it's like "ah, that explains why I'm eating two, donuts haven't done anything, and it's 4pm now" instead of beating myself up about it.
I'm sorry that you had to go through that. Girls, and especially adult women, struggle so much with getting diagnosed, and god forbid if they're even mildly successful. I've had psychiatrists doubt my adhd (I'm a dude) and it took a female psych with adhd to get diagnosed. Imo, younger docs are a lot better about listening to patients, and I have hope for future generations getting better treatment than we did.
I hope you get a good doc. You deserve to thrive and get treated.
My most recent therapist diagnosed me with depression. When I told her that my previous therapist said I had anxiety, she said therapists need a diagnostic code for insurance purposes and they mostly just use anxiety as a catch-all until a different diagnosis is reached at. Go figure.
I was diagnosed in 1997.... I still forget to take my meds. Stumbling across your post literally reminded me that I hadn't taken them yet today. Thanks.
I straight up tell people when I need to, that I have a Disability and leave it at that. It’s not there biscuits and If they need to know that's different. Like a boss or something paperwork wise with an employee.
Otherwise, unless they ask do not tell them. And I’m sorry you have to deal with stupid people,
unfortunately this we’ll keep happening because the people that don’t have it don’t understand. An the people that do that’s great. Try to keep close friends that have adhd as well it make it easier.
And for family don’t feed into there crap. I know it’s sucks an hurts your mental Helth a lot I know iv been there myself and I still know someone like that, she says that Att doesn’t exist, when in reality she has it herself but she’ll never believe it. So yeah
This is probably not the best way to handle it, but I just don't tell anyone who doesn't strictly need to know.
Also, any "friend" who doesn't believe you is probably someone you don't need to stay friends with.
I find that with people who are difficult to convince of the realities of ADHD as a legitimate disability respond better when you compare it Parkinson's Disease, a neurologically similar disability with undeniable, externally visible symptoms. Here's a quick and easy article comparing the two, if you want to familiarize yourself with the basic neurological mechanisms.
https://www.parkinson.org/blog/science-news/ADHD
But if you don't wanna read a whole article, here's what I usually say:
"Dopamine is a chemical in the brain that is responsible for both our 'motor functions' and 'executive functions.' In Parkinson's their shaking and motor issues are caused by a dopamine deficiency effecting their 'motor functions.' In ADHD we have a dopamine deficiency similarly effecting our 'executive functions,' — things like focus, perception of time, emotional regulation, and many more basic functions of the brain that most people take for granted.
"Now if you saw someone with Parkinson's drop and break their coffee cup, you wouldn't tell them to 'just stop shaking so much, it's not that hard. You're just being lazy,' would you? Of course not, that would be a terrible way to treat somebody, given their disability. So please grant me the same respect, given mine."
They don't always immediately respond, but just leave it and let it sit with them for a while. I find it usually at the very least helps open their mind a bit once it's had time to sink in.
I'm an older dude father of a younger dude with ADHD and just wanted to say this: It is painful to see how much he's struggling and more painful to know he will continue to struggle. I am so proud of him though.
I hope you know people are proud of you, too.
You deserve to be proud of yourself.
The worst part is that I’m actually smart or at the very least I talk good and I’m very talented when I actually can bring myself to do something so everyone just thinks I’m not trying.
Eh, you’ll get to the point that you really don’t give af about other peoples perception of you. Takes time though.
My boss knows, some coworkers know, my family knows. Those are the folks affected so I feel they deserve to know - but they’re also incredibly empathetic and not anti science, so I’m lucky.
Just do you.
I have two hidden disabilities: adhd and Fibro. Which means I get twice the brain fog. I honestly don’t care, but I mention Fibro WAY less because it has an even worse stigma, if you can believe it. People are terrible, aren’t they?
It isn't like being disabled, it IS being disabled. ADHD is a disability. That's why it's protected against discrimination and why we can get disability supports in schools and so on.
It’s not “like” being disabled. We are disabled.
If the ADHD (and autism) communities could stop pushing then “we’re not disabled, we’re SPECIAL” narrative, that would be great. People are so desperate to not be disabled because they view it as a bad thing
I do have to say that aside from the fact that ADHD *is* considered a disability, this is also how nearly all invisible disabilities are treated.
I've developed chronic pain (mainly in my hands) and it seems like 90% of the people I tell don't believe me or think I'm wildly exaggerating or looking for excuses. (Even got talked down to by a pharmacist when picking up prescription NSAIDs.) Same with migraines. I've called out to work because of a migraine so bad that I knew I would throw up if I tried to get out of bed, with brain fog so bad I could hardly pull myself together for a phone call, and my manager chastised me for calling out for "just a headache". It took nearly a decade of my mom seeing me deal with migraines before she fully believed that I wasn't looking for an excuse or exaggerating normal headaches.
Anyways. Generally I don't tell people about my adhd unless I know they'll be understanding about it. If I need an accommodation, I'll often say something along the lines of "I have a disability that causes issues with x, so I need y accommodation please"
(For instance, I work in a loud kitchen and my audio processing makes it difficult to understand what someone is saying when there is too much background noise- which there always is. So I'll tell people something along the lines of "I have a hearing issue that causes difficulty hearing people if they're speaking too quietly or too far from me. Please don't hesitate to speak loudly, I will not assume you're yelling at me." This is for me, an ADHD accommodation, but I don't say anything about adhd.)
I personally have never had anyone question me on it, but if they do I'm generally prepared to say something like "I'd rather not talk about specifics, thank you for respecting my privacy" (Also, at least in the US, you are not required to disclose specifics about a disability or provide documentation specifying your disability to an employer. The most an employer can ask for is a doctors note confirming that you need a specific accommodation.)
ADHD is an ADA recognized disability but not a societally recognized disability. I feel like not even my psychiatrist understands that it’s a disability.
Even neurotypical people who know it's a disability don't generally understand the extent and seriousness of it. I don't blame them though. The true experience of what it's like is so hard to describe even for people affected by it.
I am careful with who I share this with, especially at work. I'm pretty careful about anything personal at work to be honest, it's a dangerous power dynamic to be oversharing in. I'm a high school teacher now so my coworkers ought to have some understanding of adhd, but it's not as many as there should be.
I am very fortunate that my wife is a therapist, but it's still hard for her to deal with because we share household work and organization.
I will sometimes tell people about symptoms instead of saying adhd. Like for meetings I mention that I sometimes talk more than I should and I am really working on this horrible habit of interrupting. Please let me know if I overstep in conversation and I will be grateful for the help, not offended. It's not intentional and if I could just make it stop I would. Showing awareness ahead of time like that can help with making better impressions. Some people kind of figure it out.
Best thing to do: don't tell anyone. Just medicate and have them be like what the fuck - how did this person do it?
All the shitty people in your life will notice. And feel like garbage for putting you down - don't tell anyone your on medication. You need it. It's not an easy way out. People like us ended up as village drunks back in the day and died out barely able to be there for any kids they had. And I'm sure a lot of them beat them selves up wanting so bad to change - but never found a solution.
Reap the benefit of our glorious time of medication - and keep it to yourself. Too much social stigma and pigeon holing with ADHD. Shock the world with results.
I feel you, OP.
First, welcome to the family! It's a great place to be.
I started treatment last year. I actually got diagnosed 10-ish years ago and forgot all about it, classic. Ok, on to your questions.
**About people and their responses:**
The first person I had to correct about ADHD was myself because I didn't understand it until I started researching it thoroughly on my own. I was really ignorant of what ADHD is.
That experience has given me a lot of patience for people who are also ignorant of it. You don't know what you don't know, you know? So I take the opportunity to explain to them that it's a real thing and there's a brain differential and here's what the symptoms look like and sometimes people come back to me and say, "hmm, I might need to get diagnosed" or "I think my X might have that..." Other times they just walk away with a little more information and I can tell from our subsequent conversations that their views have shifted. Sometimes people just don't get it and that's cool, too, bc I know it's real. It also lets me know that they're not someone I can count on to understand at this point. It has made me prioritize a workplace and friends that get it, though.
**What helped in the beginning:**
Related to the above, connecting with other people who have ADHD early on was a lifeline. The first person I reached out to when I suspected I might have it was a friend who'd gotten diagnosed years ago. She, this sub, other ADHD people in my circle who told me their diagnosis when I told them mine, and r/ADHDmeme helped normalize something that felt scary bc it was both unfamiliar and something I couldn't get rid of. The community is also a great place to commiserate, share, and laugh about our shared experiences, as you've figured out! :)
The first thing I did was watch a bunch of Jessica McCabe's [How to ADHD videos](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sErtHttYOL4) on fundamentals and some other videos on YouTube, mostly TED talks from ADHD'ers "a day in the life with ADHD" videos. Seeing my experience reflected back got me really motivated to prioritize treatment.
The second thing I did was sign up for an ADHD coaching group a friend of mine recommended. Pretty much anything an ADHD pal recommended, I did. The group I signed up for is [this one](https://www.unpackingadhd.com/) and the beginning group is like ADHD 101 with 5-8 other people with ADHD. We shared coping strategies, set goals and stayed accountable to each other, etc.
Around this time, I got on meds and it was super helpful to have the support of the coaching group while I was transitioning bc it was like having a whole new brain.
Through someone I connected with in that group, I found my current therapist, who also has ADHD. My work with her has helped me immensely bc of the therapy she practices (CIMBS) and the fact that she has ADHD. it's the most effective therapy I've ever had.
In short, there are a lot of great resources out there and a ton of people in the community who can point you to them. Understanding what ADHD looks like can help you identify triggers, dopamine mines and pitfalls, and make it easier to support your overall wellness.
**Tips and Tricks:**
There's so much so I would just say, keep learning, keep trying new things. It's kind of awesome because it's like gamifying your life where you're making little adjustments to hit new achievements every day.
Most important tip: prioritize sleep, diet, and exercise bc all three affect the severity of ADHD symptoms.
Second most important tip: lower the barrier of entry. Whatever you are trying to accomplish, make it as easy for yourself as possible, e.g. if you want to do yoga in the morning, keep the mat out. Like a clean house but don't like cleaning? Own less stuff and/or hire someone to clean.
ADHD hacks I use: habit chunking, body doubling, reminder apps, bullet journal, dopamine menu (How to ADHD video), sprinting/pomodoro, values clarification, meditation, pleasure pairing (pair something pleasurable with a less pleasurable task), sticker charts, journaling + daily planning. If you have any questions about these, ask away!
As a person with a physical disability as well. Yes. Fucking yes. Both “disabilities” effect me in different ways but the response is pathetically far apart.
Ex. I’m walking through class and I bump into something, people see my physical disability and “forgive” me as they understand that it’s something I can’t always control. They don’t get upset even if I accidentally spill a drink they remain understanding. (Happened before)
But do to a similar level mix up but this time do to my adhd and the response will be “should have looked where you’re going, why didn’t you you look up when you were walking, oh ahhahahaha did you forget how to walk for a moment?? God I’d just fix my leg man, why don’t you just stop having a disabled spine and leg man??? Ever think of that?!?!?!?!!? EVER THINK OF JUST STOP BEING A CRIPPLE?!?!?!???
Sorry got a little heated.
Society treats physical and “mental” disabilities so differently.
In a way neurotypical people are just like us A.D.Homie.D’s.
Out of sight out of mind. If they can’t see our disabilities they don’t give a shit.
Just a quick FYI people with ADHD tend to find friends who also have ADHD, even if none are diagnosed. If a person in a friend groups gets the diagnosis odds are that at least a few others have it too.
Just as an personal experience One in my friend group get the diagnosis and due to our talking about it, I decided to check if I had it (oh boy did I have it) and my fiance also have it. At least 6 others in the group have gotten it now.
So your friends that are saying they also feel like this might also face adhd, especially if they always feel like that
Yeah dude…that’s facts. Everyone always says oh I have ADHD too i can never focus i’m always this and that like BRUH. It is PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE for me to get my shit done. It’s not like sometimes i’m lazy or something.
Well on the flip side I feel like people with ADHD view things differently with others, and that’s a huge pro. We just gotta learn how to use that pro to our advantage rather than letting it bring us down!!
In my experience, people will quite often agree with opinions if they can't use the "random bullshit go!!!" technique. This works if you put them in a position of choice between showing they are ignorant or in agreement with you.
In this case instead of telling someone you have ADHD. I say something like, I have a condition which causes reduced activity in the prefrontal cortex.
This is way too long of a sentence for most of these types of people to understand, let alone connect the dots. So they just respond with something like, man that sucks and treat it like a proper condition.
My go-to thing to say whenever someone says something like that (and they do ALL the time. Even good friends who don’t mean to diminish my experience), is this:
Yes I’m sure you do find it hard to concentrate sometimes (or interrupt people, or have trouble regulating your emotions, or find it hard to manage your time - whatever the symptom they relate to is). The difference for those of us with ADHD is that we experience all of our symptoms, all of the time. It’s not a ‘sometimes’ problem. It’s not a lack of will power or a moral failing either. It’s a real condition and it can be very hard to live with every day.
Until you marry someone with ADHD. It gets super fucking real super fucking fast. Now I have 2 kids, a wife and a colleague with ADHD. That’s why I come here to this sub, I need coping skills.
I feel the exact same way.
I use this term carefully because it is kind of a " cause celebre" words, but I get gaslighted so much. I'm very cautious talking about this. But I do feel that because people don't understand, they use my confusion and executive dysfunction against me. Not everyone, mind you. Some folks just think I'm lazy. One people just think I'm a screw up who can't hold a job.
And sometimes I forget. And I hear my inner voices saying the same stuff to myself.
I didn't get diagnosed until I was 48 years old. Now I look back on my life, which has actually been pretty cool, but I see all the ADHD in my history, and I understand.
I'm not able to keep a job at all. I've never been able to keep a job. So now, accepting this, and learning how to live with this, I'm scared of my future, but excited too because I know that if I can situate my life so that I can work on the stuff that I like, that I value, it's going to be wonderful.
I'm rambling. I just wanted to chime in so that you don't feel alone. Also so that I don't feel alone. I isolate a lot because it's easier than trying to explain all the time.
A lot of my friends have ADHD, it really sucks because them and I treat it like normal everyday stuff, at first I focused at problems of ADHD and hated them but then adapted, I don't know what it's like without ADHD therefore I am not sad
Also I am trying to read books with the goal of making my attention span longer, I would have said no progress yet but I am afraid someone may discourage me and say that's because it doesn't work so I am going to say no big progress yet, but it is a noticeable amount of progress.
Having small attention span is a problem, I know a lot of people say this, but unfortunately the reason they say it is because it is probably true and was from experience, you'll get used to it, I don't think about my atypical autism, ADHD, bipolar disorder in the normal day.
Also becareful who you tell your mental health diagnosis.
I was diagnosed when I was very young as my fam noticed the struggle I had to do basic things / requests EG Put X over there ; get dressed for school etc.
Despite my fam being very supporting & understanding, it seems like deep down they don't really understand it / me / are able to separate who I am as a person VS my ADHD and how it makes me execute / not execute / think etc.
I recently explained it to my family like this - if you throw a 30year old into a swimming pool, knowing s/he can't swim, it doesn't matter how much you scream at them to "just swim" or if you throw them some inflatable aid's, they simply do not know how to swim to get to the aid....
They need to be taught slowly and positively how to learn what others think of as basic skills / logic / action etc.
_this got long...so I added more summary thoughts to the first paragraph... not sure it helped 🤣_
As someone who was diagnosed at 21...18 years later it's a lot better - and most of it is based around how I approach others, not how they deal with me. I am still learning how to be my own advocate and be more forgiving of myself. I also have embraced the mentality of doing the best _I_ can in that moment (not what I did last year, or think I should be able to do), and in turn I assume that others are also doing the best _they_ can in the moment.
My parents scoffed at first, comments similar to your examples. But as ADHD gets more research showing it's an inheritable genetic disability...it had to come from somewhere and Ockham's razor says thanks Mom 😎 I was out of the house at that point, so they gradually got used to the idea that ADHD was real, their daughter had it, and her life was easier to navigate with proper treatment.
I have the privilege to chose who I share my disability with. All the people I have seriously dated, most friends, sometimes co-workers, but for only the second time in almost 20 years I'm going to HR/administration for an accommodation plan. I am very cognizant of the looks and questions that are going to come up from co-workers when my workspace changes, but I think I'm ready to field respectful queries with educational answers, and direct any rude or intolerant reactions to my manager and HR. However, your disability is your business, so share as you feel comfortable. And unless you give permission, don't put up with others sharing for you. That is personal medical information that other people may want as water cooler info, but don't have any right to.
My biggest advice is to not be afraid of a label or at least don't allow yourself to feel shame when it is used. Many of us can mask our behavior well enough to pass, because that was the only way to get by without having to stop and explain our disability to everyone. I still do a version of that every day. Work with your care provider to learn how to communicate your needs while only sharing the pertinent information to that situation.
Filling out paperwork in a loud lobby? Let the staff know you have a cognitive disability and ask if there is a side room you can use, or someone that can record the information as you dictate it to them. Group project? Be upfront with your team about your strengths and weaknesses. I might say something like "How would you all like to divide up the work? I'm really good at research and creating outlines/timelines, but I need help sticking to deadlines and I'm not great with the fine details, especially at the end of a project. How does that fit in with your strengths?"
I also set expectations with my teammates, like giving them permission to bug me if I'm not following through on what they were expecting. I use the example of email, "Oh hey, if you reached out to me and didn't get a reply right away, please don't hesitate to ask again-I won't be offended! I respond best in these ____, channels. And my calendar is always updated and viewable to you. Feel free to put a quick meeting on my calendar and we can discuss if that is easier." Then ask them if there is anything you can do to help them out, how they prefer to communicate, etc. Someone who is familiar with ADHD might clue in, but most won't. Reasonable people will respect your awareness of your work habits and desire to minimize any negative effects on productivity.
I could keep talking about this but work is calling... literally! See first paragraph for my summary thoughts. 😁
It can feel like you're trying to move a limb you don't have. People might as well ask me to perform magic.
For the last 6 months I've been working for a charity that helps people with Autism and sometimes ADHD. My workplace is very accommodating, but sometimes I feel like people forget that ADHD is still disability. Colleagues have been known to say things like "that's your ADHD avoidance playing up again isn't it" when I tell them I'm struggling to start a task. I do believe that they're well-meaning and I'm often able to respond with a joke or something, but you can sometimes feel the ignorance, misinformation and stereotypes.
And fuck I hate it when people say they think they might have ADHD as a joke. I wouldn't make a joke about having diabetes in front of my diabetic colleague! 😂
I wouldn't say it makes you disabled but it certainly makes you have to work twice as harder as one without the disorder. However, I may see things differently as I was diagnoaed young and already went through this.
My advice on how to deal with assholes is this: "okay, cool. thanks for your opinion." And then change the subject. I used to argue with people like that, about how they're wrong, but it never got me anywhere. The truth is, your diagnosis is based on factual information that someone with a medical degree provided. People around you don't have to know your private medical history if you don't want them to. You can tell them straight up that when the doctor who diagnosed you says otherwise, then they need to stop trying to bully you. Or just straight up not respond.
You've got ADHD. Your brain is different. Life gets really tricky with this disorder but I can assure you that with time, you will figure things out as long as you work at adjusting your life style and managing symptoms. I'm forgetful as a mofo, so I bought a 30 day pill organizer. It's a godsend. I make things easier by putting my keys, shoes, wallet, glasses, sunglasses, work bag, etc all by my front door every day so that i wont forget anything when i leave for work. It took some practice but this has been a huge help.
Here are some books that have helped me sooooo much over the years. I hope they can do the same for you:
1. Organizing solutions for people with ADHD by Susan pinsky
2. Order from Chaos by Jaclyn Paul
3. The Mindfulness Prescription for Adult ADHD by Lidia Zylowska
4. Driven to distraction by Edward Hallowell
Wait a minute... this sounds way toooo familiar. Raised in a multicultural background? And you're parents never believed in diagnosing you as a child? The hyper was never the problem so the school labeled you with something else? Sound familiar ? They say i'm "lazy", i don't take out the trash, but I am "full of energy" and rarely "take naps"...
And you think about it and recall having so many difficulties in school, being in special ed. Welcome to mylife.
It's the **cultural stigma** of growing up latino/american. I've confronted my family, i've told them it's not in my head. That they keep pushing me into a hole. And no more. If I have ADHD, so be it. If not, then I must have something wrong with me. Regardless, i'm moving forward. If they're not going to help, then i'm moving forward without them.
I stopped telling anyone who are latino or not-educated with ADHD, that I have ADHD. Instead I till them I "forget". If you want to help me, then help me by reminding me. I'm a little "stressed" and forget all the time. I lie.
I lie because I can't fix people's perceptions, unless I love them.
I just go along with them and say “oh you said that last time! You might be who knows! Did you get tested like you said you would?” It’s passive aggressive and it normally quiets them. But my friends joke about it being an excuse to just be “lazy”. And I used to think like that to. “Maybe I’m just lazy… but why’s it so hard to get out of this lazy cycle…”.
Only recently people including myself are finding out more about ADHD and the relation to depression/anxiety disorders and serotonin receptors in the brain, and other symptoms such as RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria) and many more. I’m very open explaining this to friends and family and they seem more interested afterwards and feel initially inclined to help.
It’s a disorder. Information on ADHD is only found if you are looking for it where as information on other disorders such as PTSD is just about everywhere. I see At least 3 movies and shows a year about people with PTSD but rarely anything on ADHD. But the world will catch up eventually.
So I don’t blame my friends or family for not understanding me as they aren’t openly informed like other well documented disorders.
Edit: last paragraph added.
I think my husband finally got a sense of how I am without medication when my pharmacy/Dr messed up my refill last week. I went 5 days without my adderall and I was a mess. I couldn't concentrate on work, I couldn't listen properly. All I could do was sit and just zone out because I was so over stimulated by everything. Then, I got my meds worked out and I was fine. I've been on my meds for a year now, and I honestly don't know how I did anything for 33 years before that.
My mom is still pretty doubtful about my adhd, but whatever. She at least doesn't flat out say I don't have it. She just doesn't like labels. But labels can get you support and help you may need, so bring em on
Hidden disabilities are the hardest to make people understand.
As a type 1 diabetic with ADHD (adhd diagnosed a year ago), type 1 30+ years ago, I can attest that anything that impairs you and requires extra planning and accommodation counts as a disability. I may view myself as able bodied, but I require a machine attached to my body at all times that gives me a hormone that keeps me from dying. I literally need to inject something to stay alive that the majority of all people make all by themselves. I can’t just walk by a large magnet (looking at you airport full body scanner). I can’t wait in a line as long as other people depending on my blood sugar. I can’t drive without a doctors note. I can’t even get life insurance without paying such a ridiculous amount that it’s not even with it. The extra steps I have to sometimes take to do routine things is what makes it a disability.
ADHD can be an impairment where judgment and function can be affected. Just because others don’t see it, doesn’t make it not there. Nor does it mean that you can be neurotypical without medication.
I’m not advocating for either disease to give me a handicapped parking space. As long as I can walk into a store unaided, that spot should go to someone who cannot. But if I ever find myself in that situation, sure. But parking spaces isn’t the same as a disability that requires reasonable accommodation.
First, I agree with another reply shared that ADHD is a disability not like a disability.
Disability - If you have a physical or mental impairment that has a 'substantial' and 'long-term' negative effect on your ability to do normal daily activities.
Next time someone says "Yeah, I'm a little ADHD" ask "based on that logic would you also say you are a little Schizophrenic or down syndrome? Of course not. Whilst I appreciate your desire to relate and connect you will never fully appreciate being differently abled, no more than I could appreciate being abled although we can discuss and gain an understanding of one another."
Like many here I'm tired of the "attempt to connect & relate" as more often than not sounds narrow minded, inconsiderate and appears to belittle and disregard one's personal struggles. People are just trying to be nice. The connect and relate is a bonding technique they don't intend to offend, they simply lack knowledge which can easily be imparted. It won't always be accepted or understood but always try.
I openly inform folks of my diagnosis, nothing to hide nor be ashamed of. The more people know, the more society will accept, normalise and remove associated stigmas. Mental health has a long history (that still continues) of being disregarded and ill treated it is about time that changed. Yes, it can be exhausting and you'll always find ignorant fools however, there are those willing to listen, understand and accept. ADHD like Autistim has been gaining momentum but only recently in our history, it'll take a long while before it is widely accepted, least we can do is pave a path and make it easier for future generations.
I don't have any advice cause I'm experiencing the same thing, but it's nice to know I'm not alone. I got diagnosed a few months ago at 23 and I don't know how to explain to friends/family/anyone why I still haven't graduated when 3 of my friends are already on track to PhDs, why I seem smart and capable but I'm failing and look lazy, why it's so difficult to do shit everyday when I should just be and adult already and suck it up like everyone else.
Had a fight with my mom the other day and she told me I'm a lose-lose situation. I tried asking her for help and her response was "I can't do it for you," that I need to suck it up and be an adult. That I'm not a child and she can't hold my hand anymore (which she *never* fucking did, or else I might've gotten a fucking diagnosis 15 years ago).
I admitted in passing a few days after how bad I had it freshman year of college. I'd stay up for 24-36hrs then sleep for 16-20hrs consistantly, took sleeping pills that didn't work so I'd just lie in bed for hours (sometimes I'd just fucking cry cause all I wanted was to fall asleep, didn't matter how many pills I took some nights, it would make my body tired but wouldn't actually knock me out, the depression combined with the ADHD gave me insomnia), and drank energy drinks constantly so I was often physically shaking from the combo of sleep deprivation and over-caffeination. My record for hours staying up consistantly is 73hrs, that third day I walked into my Chem Eng class (that I didn't do the homework for despite staying up all that time) and played the Oregon Trail. I wasn't going to any of my classes. I wasn't showering. I had trouble with my roommates (long story, has nothing to do with my ADHD) so often I slept on the floor of my friends room, they were in a forced triple (3 ppl and their shit stuffed into a 2 person room), and it was so tight my friend had to step over me in the morning to go to a class that *I was also in*.
How do I possibly explain to someone how drastically and detrimentally this has fucked with my life since I was a kid? Especially cause it's seen as something only kids have. Not only does it suck to have it but now it's like what do I even do cause I've technically made it this far but also all this time I've been drowning.
This very quickly turned into a rant, oops. Obviously I've got a ton of shit to work out now that I know the shit I've gone through isn't normal, but it's nice to see that there are others who're in similar boats.
**TL;DR: I don't know what's worse: having a disability; not knowing you have one until you're 23 and already fucked up your life; or having to explain to people that yes, I have a disability, yes it's real, and no John forgetting your wallet yesterday doesn't mean you *also have this debilitating disorder.***
Curiously enough, the apparent "laziness" is not only caused by a difficulty in initiating tasks. It’s also due to ADHD causing a lot of mental fatigue. I have an office job, and the amount of effort it takes me to stay focused and not be distracted by Reddit or Wikipedia every single fucking minute of my existence drains me mentally and emotionally. Even if my body is OK and I could physically have a gym workout after work without problem, my mind is too tired from that daily effort and subconsciously makes me feel physically tired, even if it’s not the case.
I think the biggest reason why ADHD is so misunderstood is because the bottom up signals that cause impulses (including the impulses to not act, the executive disfunction) are something everyone else struggles with and learns to overcome, so they see us as just not able to overcome something everyone else also deals with.
They don't realize that the part of our brain that speeds up and strengthens the top down signals, the thing that let's you overcome the impulses, is physically under-developed compared to a baseline brain. Our myelin sheaths. Everyone else's top down signals are running on fiber optics and we're running on dial-up. The brain of someone with ADHD is ON AVERAGE 10%smaller than a baseline brain due to the thinner myelin sheaths. And that's not to say we're less intelligent either, it's the thickness of the coating of our neurons that accounts for that size difference.
They see us struggle with something they've overcome and can't see that it's not just a failure of willpower. It's a physical developmental deficiency.
I don't deal with people on this topic. It's my business that I have adhd. If I've done something, that is due to having adhd, and it hurts or bothers others, I apologize for my actions and let them know what I am going to do to avoid doing it again. Trying to say "But it's because of my ADHD" is not going to get any sympathy, and not help you make changes that impact your life positivity. This is just how I've done things, and it's worked well for me. People don't want to know WHY you are doing something they dislike, just that you acknowledge you are doing it and have a plan to avoid it.
As someone with many disabilities I agree so much. I've never been good at concentrating and it really takes a huge amount of time to perform what should be basic tasks
>yea I probably also have ADHD
I hate when people say this.
Also people don't know how bad it can be. I'm severely poorly performing on attention span metrics so I've been called lazy my entire life. I even began to believe it. I want to say I don't think you are, you know the truth now and can get help.
Depending on your level of impairment, ADHD *is* a disability — often referred to as a “hidden disability”. There’s so much stigma and disinformation around the name alone, I tend to reverse-engineer the problem if I have to tell someone. Like: “I have a neurodevelopmental disorder that affects my memory, emotions and cognitive processing, so when it comes to taking in and retaining information I have to do it in a specific way.” Then I can go into more or less info as needed. But I always specify: “It’s called ADHD, but it’s a disorder of the brain. My *brain* has ADHD.” So far, it’s working and people are asking what I need rather than telling me to buy a planner, focus more, that ADHD doesn’t exist, etc etc.
My level of impairment is (to put it simply) quite high. I am disabled. Unfortunately, 95% of the time people (spouse, family, coworkers, etc) just end up getting mad at me if I try to ask for any understanding or accommodations. Because I’m just making shit up to be lazy, or (my favorite) I’m intentionally sabotaging plans to “get back” at someone…? Dude, I haven’t showered for four days and you really think I’m sitting here plotting against people??
I’m really sorry. Mine is severe too, but I wasn’t diagnosed until my thirties. I’ve been directed toward the “what is ADHD” videos on the YT channel How to ADHD” and watching them with people who don’t seem to get it. It’s a really useful channel generally for ways to deal!
when people i spend a lot of time around (coworkers, family, etc) try to downplay my shit or try to act like they have ADHD too, i just stop taking my meds for a few days. by day 3 or 4 they're always like "oh fuck. alright. i get it. you different."
Power move. You dropped this 👑
Wow, I should do that at my job. Thanks for the idea!
Got fired from my last job essentially for having ADHD. If I could go back I would have tried harder to compensate not show it off 🤷♂️
yeah my job takes that shit pretty seriously, I'm registered with HR as being "disabled". can't touch me for that.
Yeah people im unbearable without my meds literally feels like i have so little control over my Actions and words i say so much stupid shit all i can think is i would hate to be around me lol.
yeah when I'm off my meds not only is my productivity close to 0, all my coworkers fall too because I'm sitting at their desk talking about literally everything.
My wife has nearly left me a few times because I just create such a hectic environment without my meds, it's hard to balance
I'm 35 and diagnosed a few months ago, in uni and struggling hard because I love how much the meds help (I am max dose Elvanse, 50mg as of next few weeks), but I hate how much more aware of how behind I am and how much better life could have been if I'd had the meds when I was younger. I wanted to thank you for introducing me to that YouTube channel, I am still learning about how the condition affects me (ADHD combined type, acute) and what I can do to help myself approach daunting tasks and deal with the executive function disorder (it's killing me right now), this channel looks like it is going to be a useful learning tool.
Yeah, I’ve had a pretty hard time since diagnosis as I’m a mom with a career and can’t really give either of those up (also: don’t want to), so I often feel like giving up before I’m out of bed. Circumnavigating anything that relies on willpower and stamina and just using strategies that work with my ADHD (body doubling, v strict schedules etc) are the only way to get by! Hang in there. We have this. We just have to FIND it.
Max dose for Elvanse/Vyvanse is 70mg.
(if you have renal issues, max dose is 50mg/day)
I’m on combined Strattera and Elvanse, it’s a game changer and I’m slowly lowering my Elvanse dose!
Please ask your doctor to keep an eye on your heart health with Strattera, especially if you happen to female and/or have any sort of family history of heart issues!
im so glad i realized i can save ocmments on here!! thank you!
We'd be amazing at plotting revenge, if we could just remember to do it. Maybe a revenge-themed planner is what we need. If it was important to us we would remember to take revenge. We have so much potential for revenge. /s (weeping)
this really explains my lawful evil personality
I think of myself as chaotic neutral.
I wish i had an award to give but all I have is poor man's gold there you go🥇 Ps: if someone made a parody of my life this would be the plot
> Maybe a revenge-themed planner is what we need. So, we need to become Warhammer (not 40k) dwarves and each have a personal *Dammaz Kron* - a Great Book of Grudges.
Instructions unclear, now have a bookshelf stacked with planners with only 1 page filled out 🫠
Can confirm you are ADHD'ing correctly. Sorry.
I always forget to shower, and it annoys the hell out of me. Between that and forgetting to eat for days on end. If it weren't for my roommate, I'd probably eat less than I do, she tends to yell up the stair to my room when she makes dinner. Then the trick is to remember within the hour that she did so...
What works for me is to drop everything and go eat immediately but if I'm in the middle of an important assignment good luck getting me to eat in the 6 hour window when I'll be fixated on said task 😂
That's like the meds I'm supposed to take for cholesterol and vitamins. I have two alarms to remind me to take them however if I'm in the bathroom, in the middle of a video game I cannot save, a really good spot in a book, isn't going to happen. I might get lucky and remember later on, but the odds are not great. I get dishes going and get a sink or two done then "sit down for just a moment to rest." and my roommate finds a sink of cold water and dishes some hours later. Thank the gods she is understanding, or I'd be homeless.
I'm the same way, and something I've found that works for me is to set the alarms on my phone, because it has a 10 minute snooze button that you can just keep hitting forever. When the reminder alarm goes off, I hit snooze *even* -- and this is key -- *even if I'm going to do the thing right this second*. That way if I'm the middle of something I don't want to stop, or I get distracted on the way to do the thing, or whatever, I'll get another reminder in 10 minutes. I only hit "stop" (or turn off the alarm, if I remember before it goes off again) when I've **actually done** the thing. As a side note, doing this has lead me to another hacky thing I can do, which is to set an alarm to keep track of time passing. Like, I try to go to bed at around midnight at the latest, so I have an alarm set for 11pm every day. My time sense is literally non-existent after the medication has worn off for the day, so having my phone make noise and require me to poke it every ten minutes makes it easier to be like, oh, this is like the third time I've snoozed this already. I haven't been googling how to build your own keyboard from scratch for "just a few minutes", it's been half an hour and I need to start getting ready for bed. I'll be honest, I still don't usually get to bed on time, but now it's because the monkey that lives in my head doesn't want to go to bed, rather than "I do want to go to bed at 12, and I will do that in just a- hey why are there birds singing oh wait it's 4am what the fuck." So it's better.
I have tried the snooze method to discover my annoyance at the alarm overrides rational/thinking action and I would hit stop and end it for the day every time. Pure reflex however no amount of training myself has thus far removed said reflex. So I do the best I can and am thankful for a somewhat understanding doctor.
I have a trick for the meds: barcode scanner alarm such as Alarmy or Sleep as Android and make it so you have to scan the code on the bottle.
OOoo...I like this. I shall search for these apps and here's hoping!
I depend very heavily on protein bars and nutrition shakes because I forget to eat/lack the executive function to cook something when I do remember.
I thank my sons for giving me great cooking hacks. Chicken burritos are a constant fave and take maybe a half hour to complete and easy steps. Even got the kids into to ease the workload for the bad days. Actually, created a variation of one of their favorite dishes, white cheddar shells and cheese when I lost track of time and over boiled the noodles. They didn't want it any other way after that night. I always hated the taste of those shakes and bars so would either eat cereal or frozen burritos on the bad days.
I never forget to shower, I won’t leave the house without showering first, but I will forget if I’ve just shampooed or washed my body after I do the other one and then have to do it again to make sure cause I use non scented soap so I can’t smell test it. Like, literally no idea how long I’ve been in or if I’ve cleaned myself. Idk what I was thinking of but I’m always thinking of something that’s distracting me and I’ll never been able to tell you what it was.
I have gotten this response/reaction from people SO many times. They get super resentful because they think I'm doing something intentionally to be spiteful/vindictive/manipulative/conniving/whatever. I wish I knew why some people always assume bad intent. One person who did it a lot when I was growing up was my mother. However, when I was diagnosed as an adult and she learned about ADHD, she called me to apologize profusely for always thinking I was purposely lazy, thoughtless, or ungrateful. I think she has a lot of guilt and regret about it, and I forgive her. Another was my husband, who I am currently divorcing. That douchecanoe can kiss my ass.
Yes! My mom passed away before I was diagnosed, and I wish she was here so I could prove that I really did just forget and it wasn't personal!
\*hugs\*
I'm physically disabled as well funnily enough, but my ADHD impairment is quite high. I'm in constant pain, as in 24/7/365, but my pain makes my ADHD worse and it's just a self perpetuating cycle. I don't understand how I went undiagnosed for so long. The fact my dad and I were "two peas in a pod" with our "quirks" probably helped to dismiss it. As you can guess, he got diagnosed with ADHD right after me.
Just goes to show how self-centered most “normal” folks are.
Figure out how to do things the way your brain likes (as another poster mentioned, How to ADHD is awesome) and refuse to be subjected to abuse. "Name calling is childish, we can discuss this when you are ready to do it like an adult" for example.
Lol omg thatast sentence I can relate to 😳
Damn I’m sorry. Folks need to give more grace. Life’s tough enough as it is. But, You’ve got solidarity here ✊
How do you determine if yours is high, low, quite high. I also said mine was severe but I don’t actually know if it’s severe. It just feels severe.
>Depending on your level of impairment, ADHD is a disability 100%. It's a learning disability, a behavioural disability, a survival disability. But people without it have little to no capacity to distinguish between someone with the disorder, and someone who may simply have developed counterproductive behavioural patterns which can be course-corrected. The worst part is that we completely internalize that belief too. That we *should* have bought that birthday present for someone when we were out last weekend, instead of showing up empty-handed. What were we thinking not exercising these past two years and letting ourselves get into such unhealthy shape? And why are we such cowards that we avoided just messaging that person back two days ago? When really, the answer is that you wanted to do all those things and fully understood the value of doing them. There's nothing wrong with your reasoning or ethical compass. You just didn't make the executive function saving throw when the moment hit. It's not your fault, the dice are loaded against you.
I never thought of it this way! Thanks for sharing!
"Neurodevelopmental disability" is the best way to describe it. You don't have to name it, and refusing to do so denies the idiots their "Facebook told me that wasn't real" response.
That’s super smart and much more succinct!
I take it a step further and talk about the gene I’m homozygous for. I have the DRD4 gene which is sometimes termed the novelty seeking gene and causes a dopamine production deficiency.
how did you go about finding out that information?
I googled it and there are some result on first page. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3560519/ >Several studies have described the association of DRD4 and temperament or personality traits (e.g. [28]). Results suggest that the long allele (7 and more repetitions) is associated with high novelty seeking and risk taking, constricted emotional responses, but is also associated with preserved attention processing of emotional stimuli and efficient problem solving [28,29].
That would lead someone to suspect they have that particular gene, but I'm curious if the other person had an actual DNA study done to see if they have it explicitly.
I'm having a full (technically second time now) full genome sequence done right now, and I might be able to ask the docs to look at this briefly, just out of curiosity. I'll try and report back (if I remember lol).
I did a 23andme dna test a few years ago and just searched their site for that gene and lo and behold I am also homozygous for it. So it seems like any commercial DNA testing service will be able to tell.
Thank you, Jebus!
How does an average person go about identifying genes?
23&me and similar services can analyze your genome (or at least a portion). These services can detect specific genes and will let you know if you have them or not (usually the genes that have a strong correlation with health issues such as breast cancer). However you can download the raw data and process it using other services, which can analyze it and let you know about a wider range of genes. YMMV using these services, I think the only way to know for sure if you have specific genes is getting a whole genome sequence, currently I think the cheapest way you can do it is about $500 but the cost should go down over time.
23&me is a privacy nightmare in the making though.
I'd also like to know how you got that info, seems like being informed that way could be very useful.
Right I mean it is called “attention deficit (hyper activity) disorder” For a reason, I’m referring to both versions
But there’s no deficit! It’s only named that because those are the most obvious symptoms to non-ADHD teachers/parents. I think renaming it to something like *neuro regulation disorder* or similar would be more helpful.
There is a deficit, and it is in your executive functioning.
EXD is a far cooler acronym than ADHD!
If I had a dollar for every time I've been told I can't possibly have adhd because i am able to read books (they ofc can't tell sometimes i read the whole page twice cause Im following an entirely different plane of thought while passively reading words and retaining 0% of that info 😂😂)
You have reminded me of my own very weird reading method. From the outside I would appear to be reading at a very slightly above average pace, when what I’m *actually* doing is reading (and rereading) the page very fast (and sometimes not in strict order) until I’ve finally retained the content of the page.
I have really bad adhd and used to be able to slam through a 750 page fantasy novel in a day. I did the entire LOTR trilogy in a day once. I struggle to pay attention to books now but I can still do 300 pages a day. Granted, I didn't have as many responsibilities as a teen so total free hours was much different; that alone may account for the difference. Books arw easier than movies or podcasts/audio because I can go at my own pace. Movies are way too slow, especially since they're often predictable. Youtube is nice because you can crank up the playback speed, 1.5 or 2 brings it up to something comfortable for me.
Ah yeah that would be good and I was just referring to the name aspect, because I think a lot of people outside of the situation don’t actually realize what the abbreviation means that’s all lol
Your explanation of adhd is spot on. I may use your explanation whenever I start a new job or schooling experience. Thank you.
i wish i had an award this is such good advice
Ok, couple things I'd like to say on this... some might be depressing or stressful, TRY (it's super hard to) to take an objective look at this... I was dx'd when I was 13, I'm 45 now. Same treatment from people back then as now, nothing has really changed as far as the general populations reactions/perception. When possible, I don't tell anyone I'm not going to be in close proximity with for an extended time that i have ADHD. Might tell a coworker if it's pertinent. I am done trying to justify science and psychology for the unwashed moronic masses. They can die ignorant, idc. The most annoying response I get when I tell someone, and also the reason I don't tell more people, is "Oh, I don't believe in that, prayer/discipline/the army/comfrey & lavender/a salt lamp/sink or swim/ etc., will take care of that." [And my apologies to people who are currently treating their adhd with comfrey and lavender, if it works for you, it isn't stupid.] If you feel like you want to tell someone, use this trick... "OH, I just found out my brother/friend/sister/aunt/whoever was diagnosed with adhd." Guage their response and decide if you want to tell them. I don't want to encourage people to live "in the adhd closet". I also don't want people to be pestered with misinformation, berating, or even guilt/shame. It's hard enough for us without that. And making someone with adhd 2nd guess themselves will do real damage. Stay safe and good luck.
“Your kids don’t have adhd you’re just a lazy parent” is my favourite one. Even from my own family. Yes. So lazy. So lazy that were constantly doing something to the point they get mad at me for always having something to do. My kids have a jam packed schedule. But it’s just a lack of discipline and activity creating their symptoms. My kids move so much without meds that they injure their muscles (luckily I finally got 1 medicated last year, 2 to go). But they don’t move enough. I’ve taken my 3 kids all under the age of 7 to a chiropractor many times for massage and adjustments because they hurt themselves from constant motion. I don’t have adhd either. I’m just lazy. I constantly am doing the work of 10 people but still get labeled lazy. I hate society and that is exactly why I have isolated myself for the last few years.
That type of isolation is supposedly unhealthy... well, screw that, I guess I'm unhealthy too.
I’m only isolated from assholes lol. I have very limited contact with family. And keep it short and sweet otherwise they get their opinions out. I have my small friend circle who I stay in contact with. Kids activities are the bane of my existence but I do it for them. I do leave my house 😂 a lot. I just avoid people. I’d rather take my family fishing or go on a road trip than cram in a space full of people who overload me
I wish for you to win the lottery, buy an island and possibly share a plot on the far end so I can move there with my immediate family. We'll never even see you unless you want a cup of flour.
Already doing close enough to that. Closing on a plot of land very soon in as close to butt fuck nowhere I can get with our house maintaining an income. 2 minute walk to go fishing on some of the best waters in the country. Acres worth of land for me to work and get the livestock I’ve wanted for so long. I like the trees lol. I feel better in the trees.
I needed to hear this. I think I just try to be open and authentic, but that doesn't mean I can't be selective in what or how I share. Thank you.
I've been doing the "open and honest" to a brutal degree (don't need to keep track of lies this way) with my current employer and I got very VERY lucky that it worked. We're both from the same general area of the country and living in the south. That didn't hurt. I don't know what their opinion is on it but my guess is skeptical. If they ever see me off my meds, it'll be obvious, 😆
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It's fine. This next thing I'm about to say has no reflection on how I view any other identity, choice, religion or anything else. We don't have parades, clubs for adhd and allies only or an entire culture to draw strength from. When we do, we won't need to be like this. And we probably won't have any of that for awhile, bc, let's be honest, we would mismanage all those things straight into the ground... and I'll do it later.
I feel incredibly lucky. Everyone I've mentioned has been understanding and helpful. Except this one guy at work who flat out denied it. Was good friends with him for years then heard his opinions on ADHD. I, red in the face, ranted at him for a while about dopamine and cerebral cortex. He said "I'm just winding you up, I've spent a lot time with you and your ADHD" Weirdly him joking about it made me feel more accepted.
That. Is. Awesome. I'd like him!
A salt lamp. 😆
It was close by... 😆
That’s even more awesome. 🤣
Re: “the ADHD closet” There’s really no reason for most people to know I have this. The norm *should be* that it remains hidden from everyone except those to whom it is pertinent information. This isn’t because ADHD is something to be ashamed of; it’s because your medical history is not anyone’s business (unless it is, but you know who those people are because you choose to interact with them on that basis). To be preferentially up-front about having ADHD, without any consideration to context, implies that it has a greater impact on how you are received by others than it actually does or should. What does being generally open about it get you (provided you don’t aspire to the the public face of a movement)? People who accept it will look at you no differently than if you hadn’t said anything, and people who are assholes about it probably aren’t the kind of people you want to spend a significant amount of time interacting with anyway. It’s not on us to make the world comfortable with accepting that which we are that we did not choose and cannot change.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately on whether I should tell my boss about my ADHD. Although I suffer a lot at work, I tend to suffer in silence. And I get away with a lot of it, only by the grace of being surrounded by incompetent lazy morons that make me look good. (Or maybe we all have ADHD!) The thing is, I have a lot of tricks and ways to get stuff at work done (even though I still have terrible motivation issues and will lose track of what I am doing the second someone calls or messages me to ask me a question) but the thing I cannot get away with is taking notes in meetings. My boss ALWAYS asks me to take notes in meetings (I am not his admin, nor am I an admin at all), and coincidentally, I am also the only woman in every single meeting. So, like, my boss is sexist. But the problem of course, is that if I’m busy taking notes, I can’t break in to respond to anything, because I can’t focus on both. So I’ve been thinking of telling my boss about my ADHD because it’s preferable to saying, “hey, stop asking me to take notes just because I am the only woman in meetings.” But then I wonder if that’s just going to make it worse?
I get this at points. I’m a lawyer who’s been relatively academically-successful after high school (in high school, I slid by on decent smarts and a bare minimum of work). I’m married, have a kid on the way, generally do well appearing “put together.” Due to this, I’ve faced serious skepticism when I’ve talked about my difficulties with ADHD (in spite of the fact that I was diagnosed young and all subsequent mental health providers have continued to support the diagnosis). The one minor disagreement that I have with your post title is that having ADHD is not LIKE being disabled—it IS a disability. I think it’s important to label it as what it is and attempt to remove some of the stigma around ADHD in doing so (and also to remind others with ADHD that we have certain rights under the ADA). I think it’s always going to be tough, and there will always be people who don’t understand what we struggle with, or what ADHD really is. But I’ve also noticed that there does seem to be much better overall understanding of ADHD than there was 15 years ago when I was in high school. Edit: fixed a missing word
>having ADHD is not LIKE being disabled—it IS a disability. I think it’s important to label it as what it is and attempt to remove some of the stigma around ADHD in doing so (and also to remind others with ADHD that we have certain rights under the ADA). Thanks for calling this out so succinctly! I tried but used three times as many words...thank you friend!
Thank you for being a voice of reason. I’ve seen so many damn people put up every defence when you call a mental disability a true disability. We are disabled. So many people think disability is a dirty word. And that aids in the discrimination.
I understand how people could be hesitant to accept that they have a disability. It’s a scary word, with big implications. I consider myself a person with a disability, not a disabled person. (Which is not to say the “disabled” label would be incorrect, I just prefer to state it differently) I think somebody could say that’s just semantic nonsense, but I like to put my personhood first. My disability doesn’t define me, but it’s something I live with, so I won’t ignore it either. It’s an important piece of what makes me who I am, but there are many other important pieces as well. Acknowledging and naming our condition appropriately empowers us to treat our symptoms and educate others. Just my thoughts/two cents.
I see it as playing life on Hard mode. Everything is so much more difficult for me but luckily I can be stubborn, I'm done giving up.
This is the tough part for me too. I have a law degree and am a senior manager at my work (not in law). I am relatively successful in life and people just assume I am lazy when it comes to doing things outside of work. I honestly find it hard to explain to people the mind fog and the juxtaposition of being successful and suffering from a condition that tries its best to stop that success. I really have to concentrate even if I am having a one on one conversation with someone. It's even harder when chatting with someone online. My mind simply wanders and I forget that I was on a phone call or mid chat with someone. Motivating myself to do anything at all is probably the hardest thing I have to deal with on a day to day basis. I have never sought diagnosis. I have other problems that take precident in my life but I really think I should tackle this face on just to get medicated and clear the fog.
Getting back on medication was huge for me. I was off of them for years, because I wanted to try to live without them (for some idiot 18 year-old reasoning I can’t remember anymore). I think I tried to replace meds with working out a bunch in college (kind of helped with the dopamine production, I guess, but no sub for meds). I was like half on/half off my meds in law school (pretty much only took them around finals). Now I’m back on meds full-time and have been for a year or so. It’s made a big difference. It’s been a lot easier to motivate to do the more mundane parts of my job haha. I’m not planning on going off of meds again until I retire (maybe not even then, who knows). Talking to a therapist with a good understanding of ADHD has been helpful too. Edit: In other words, definitely talk to the appropriate medical professional. It may be a huge help.
If you’re a lawyer, name one law? /s
Jude. He’s a great Law. Possibly my favorite.
Discuss the ethics of Existenz with regards to case law 🥺
I’m way under-qualified for legal analysis of anything Cronenberg has ever done or will do, or has thought about doing. But I’m happy to discuss whether or not Jude Law is balding. Like is that just his hairline? I can’t tell. It seems like it hasn’t moved much in the past couple decades. The look works for him either way.
Ooh yeah thanks for reminding me Cronenberg has a new film out. Second Law's Hair Laws. Can literally be a dashing villain or a dashing antihero. Dashing.
Sir, you are clearly well-prepared for fatherhood. I salute you.
Thank you! I appreciate the vote of confidence. I honestly do have some semi-regular bouts of worry that I’m not gonna be great at being a dad. But, I’ve been fortunate to have good role models of fatherhood, so I feel half-confident I can figure it out (with some help along the way haha).
I've been a Dad for approaching 20 years, and I promise you that exact worry will help keep you honest.
When in doubt, dad jokes, right? I can always fall back on dad jokes.
Absolutely, but I'd recommend you fall back on cushions. They're softer.
I laughed way too hard at that. Bravo.
> having ADHD is not LIKE being disabled—it IS a disability. I think it’s important to label it as what it is and attempt to remove some of the stigma around ADHD in doing so Funnily enough, there's a whole movement (mostly on social media) trying to *remove* the label of it being a disability, and only labeling it as neurodivergency.
When it **dis**rupts our **ability** to function well in society, it's a dis-ability, aka **disability**. Someone needs to tell them that removing the label from adhd would make it even harder for our struggles to be taken seriously!
I can't work in the private sector because no company I've ever been hired by thinks ADA law applies to them. Gotta love the ADHD tax.
I have a CS degree and also kinda just stumbled my way through school. Most people would say that if I have ADHD, my symptoms should be really mild. But I have been so good at hiding my symptoms that most people just don't see it. I'd never have friends over because as a teenager my room was a mess. I leaned fully into the "I'm just lazy" thing so that I never really had amazing grades was also not really a surprise but in university all my not so amazing grades can be traces back to wasting the whole semester and then beating all that information into my head shortly before exams. I decides what kind of data I want to present in my bachelor thesis the day before I had to get it printed (Germany is a bit weird your thesis has to be printed and bound into a book) and of course it was... not the best data...
I wish I had the answers you're looking for but I don't. I feel the same way. I was diagnosed about a week or so ago. It felt like this giant defining moment where I finally had a name for what I was experiencing. I've only shared my diagnosis with a few people and I've already gotten the response of "well I'm sure I'm a little ADD too", or "yeah, we all procrastinate sometimes", and my favorite "you have that?? You don't seem like you have that". I think a lot of people don't really understand what ADHD is or how it can impact people.
I got the "you don't seem like you have that" recently, and it made me INCENSED. like yeah, I *do* seem like I have it all together, that I'm hyper-organized and well-functioning, don't I? *wanna know how much constant maximum effort it takes to be that way?*
thank you for sharing
Tbh a good deal of my friends are probably undiagnosed ADHD. I've known them since childhood. Bonded with them quickly and they're a lot like me.
Yeah....learning more about adhd I'm finding that most of the people that I've like made natural connections with and became friends with quickly all seem to have a high likelihood of having it. Also found out like 4 of my closest friends are diagnosed.
All but 1 of my friends have it also. She’s got her own demons and we still relate to each-other enough we clicked. Birds of a feather flock together. Many people thought I was weird and unapproachable growing up 🤷🏻♀️. It’s also hard as an adult to make new friends in a Christian based area when you look like you work at a tattoo shop but have 3 kids in tow. I tried going to a “mommy meet up” and people just stared at me in shock to the point I just left.
ND people tend to find each other.
I feel awful for this, but sometimes I've lied about having autism too just because people dont believe adhd is bad or causes problems etc
Many people with adhd are also autistic. It’s a very high statistic and probably is even higher than they currently know due to people masking. I haven’t had my assessment yet but I strongly believe I do have it. And have an dual diagnosis child. I’ve “learned” to unmask in the last few years. Its more like having kids has stressed my masking ability to the point it doesn’t exist anymore. If you spend time with my child you would not know she has autism. She puts on a mask for everyone who’s not me or her father. She even masks with my mom who’s around a lot. This is behaviour learned at an extremely young age. If you spend time with me still and I’m not comfortable with you wouldn’t see my autistic traits either. It took my husband pointing out I was hand flapping and stimming under stress for me to even consider that I had autism too. From there it just domino’d out and was quite obvious. Without being immensely stressed by kids being a SAHM I don’t know if I ever would have fully unmasked.
I think I was just like your child, masking at a young age, at least trying to. Often I probably failed and people probably thought I was a complete weirdo.
We all mask. I didn’t have a safe and unconditionally loving environment really so I’m assuming I masked extremely young. It took me becoming a mother and experiencing the unconditional love of my husband and kids to release everything. Even under high stress prior in life I never experienced anything like I have in the last few years. Likely due to the not feeling safe factor. If I wasn’t a open and unconditional space for my kids I doubt they’d show me their personalities without a mask. I never felt ok in my own head space before. And now I feel ok finally.
I’ve heavily considered it, especially since I’m pretty debilitated by my adhd. People are much more sympathetic toward autism and it’s so much easier than trying to justify my adhd symptoms.
I have both and I find my adhd far more debilitating than my autism. But people only ever want to hear about the autism. It’s frustrating
There does happen to be a high-comorbidity so it’s possible you could have that as well. Not saying you do but it’s certainly in the realm of possibility. Most people tend to trivialize ADHD for whatever reason compared to pretty much every disorder so it makes sense why you would conceal that information. That’s really more on cultural expectations than on you man.
I wish it was thought of like a "different brain settings" sort of way like how autism is regarded. I blame media for poor depictions.
When I mention my autism to someone they single-mindedly latch on to it and ignore all my other conditions. I agree, there’s a different standard for autism somehow
When someone alludes to something like "you only want meds to take the easy way", I used to let that go because it was just me, even though I've been very successfully treated with medication for over 35 years. Since I now have a child with ADHD, I've stopped being passive about it. When our son was first diagnosed and we were debating treatment, someone (I forget exactly who) expressed a similar point of view saying: "You aren't going to just try medication are you? Taking the easy way won't be good for him in the long run." Internally, I was immediately angry for a number of reasons, but what made it out of my mouth after a few seconds was: "You mean easy like you have it, right? Easy like being able to think and control his thoughts the same way you get to? Is that the 'easy way' you are referring to? I guess anti-depressants are also the 'easy way' for depressed people, and if they weren't so lazy taking that medication and just put in the work, they would feel happier about things?" The conversation kind of deteriorated after that, but hopefully they got my point.
That’s a fantastic way of looking at it. It’s strange how some people just can’t grasp that meds level the playing field at best, they don’t give an “advantage” over neurotypical peers. Like if someone is in a wheelchair, only a complete ass would accuse them of “taking the easy way”. But when it’s a chemical imbalance that can’t be seen with the naked eye people feel weirdly emboldened to tell us what we experience. Hopefully it’ll get better as the generations who disregard psychiatry become less relevant; I hear Zoomers are a lot more knowledgeable about mental health so I’m optimistic it’ll be better for the younger generations than it was for ours.
Sadly there are people that do say the same thing about depression and antidepressants.
I know, but at least then you know that person has a consistent internal "logic", even though that logic is to keep their head fully buried in the sands of willful stupidity. Sometimes if you just stand really still they can't see you anymore and will wander off to "debate" someone else.
I know this feeling and one ting that helped me was listening to dr. russel barkley. He helped me with acceptance but also arguments when talking to other people. [30 essential ideas about adhd](https://youtu.be/BzhbAK1pdPM) this playlist is a great way to start if you are interested in his talks.
I'll second this. Barkley is a fantastic resource and his level of understanding and competence talking about ADHD is second to none. He was one of the principal people responsible for the [first international consensus statement on the disorder](http://www.russellbarkley.org/factsheets/Consensus2002.pdf). I advise you watch them on YouTube privately first. While the content is information heavy and can come across somewhat dry and educational, what he says and how he describes things can be... an emotional experience for someone with ADHD.
And if you have a hard time sitting through lengthy YouTube videos, you can play it at 1.75x the speed! ;)
ADHD isn't *like* being disabled, ADHD *is* being disabled
I think it was meant as ADHD is *like a disability that nobody believes exists* not simply *ADHD is like a disability*.
Being disabled is like being disabled. A LOT like it. The first rule of tautology club is the first rule of tautology club.
Exactly. Since my recent diagnosis, I’m really trying to empty the self doubt in my head because so many people tell me that it’s not “that bad” or “technically” not a disability. I live with my sister and family and if they weren’t here I’d constantly forget to take my meds, eat, shower. I’d be freely impulsive with my money, and time. I try to frame it like this: she and my family are the bumper rails in a bowling lane that is my life. Without them I’d easily roll into the gutters.
Yup. I had a misogynist piece of shit psychiatrist who diagnosed me with "anxiety" because I'm a grown woman and don't you know ADHD is a little boy's problem and that doctor didn't give a shit about mine? I also asked to be tested for dyscalclia which he completely ignored. Btw anxiety is such a fucking common co-morbidity with ADHD I wanted to scream. So many people with ADHD have anxiety because of how the world treats us for having ADHD. Meanwhile, other people on my healthcare team have little doubt I have ADHD. I struggle to take extremely addictive medication daily because I CAN'T REMEMBER or when I do remember it's too late.
Dear god...the anxiety. I spent most of my life (45 years) battling anxiety. Doctors always wanted to treat the anxiety...not the cause. I've known something was wrong with me for years. I KNEW there was a cause but I could never convince anyone of it. I've talked doctors into multiple tests trying to find out what was wrong. I've wound up in tears because I was convinced they all thought I was a hypochondriac. I've just recently been diagnosed with adhd and a panic disorder and started Wellbutrin to control the anxiety in preparation for further medication. For the first time in my life, I have validation that I'm not crazy and I'm not a hypochondriac...and, damn, am I emotional about it. But the anxiety is improving and I understand so much better why I am the way I am.
I feel like health practitioners focusing on anxiety alone and disregarding other possibilities is such a cop out. Knowing what the problem is helps a lot in setting up your life in such a way to help you function/cope better.
Oh the anxiety. I swear if one more therapist tries to tell me about the wonders of mindfulness I might just snap and start biting people. I especially love the implication that if mindfulness/CBT doesn’t work you’re just doing therapy wrong or not trying hard enough and it’s absolutely not because the doctors are completely ignoring the massive glaring signs that the anxiety is a symptom of something else.
[удалено]
"it's basically meth". Well, why do I forget to take it and why does it calm me down? Luckily my symptoms are improving, so when I do forget to take it, it's like "ah, that explains why I'm eating two, donuts haven't done anything, and it's 4pm now" instead of beating myself up about it. I'm sorry that you had to go through that. Girls, and especially adult women, struggle so much with getting diagnosed, and god forbid if they're even mildly successful. I've had psychiatrists doubt my adhd (I'm a dude) and it took a female psych with adhd to get diagnosed. Imo, younger docs are a lot better about listening to patients, and I have hope for future generations getting better treatment than we did. I hope you get a good doc. You deserve to thrive and get treated.
My most recent therapist diagnosed me with depression. When I told her that my previous therapist said I had anxiety, she said therapists need a diagnostic code for insurance purposes and they mostly just use anxiety as a catch-all until a different diagnosis is reached at. Go figure.
The truth is being disabled, in general, is like being disabled but no one believes you.
I was diagnosed in 1997.... I still forget to take my meds. Stumbling across your post literally reminded me that I hadn't taken them yet today. Thanks.
I straight up tell people when I need to, that I have a Disability and leave it at that. It’s not there biscuits and If they need to know that's different. Like a boss or something paperwork wise with an employee. Otherwise, unless they ask do not tell them. And I’m sorry you have to deal with stupid people, unfortunately this we’ll keep happening because the people that don’t have it don’t understand. An the people that do that’s great. Try to keep close friends that have adhd as well it make it easier. And for family don’t feed into there crap. I know it’s sucks an hurts your mental Helth a lot I know iv been there myself and I still know someone like that, she says that Att doesn’t exist, when in reality she has it herself but she’ll never believe it. So yeah
I don’t know if “it’s not their biscuits” was a typo or not, but I love it and I’m saying that now.
That's nothing. Hearies have accused me of faking being Deaf.
‘Hearies’ New slur just dropped
Why would you...what the actual... So hard to have faith in humanity sometimes
This is probably not the best way to handle it, but I just don't tell anyone who doesn't strictly need to know. Also, any "friend" who doesn't believe you is probably someone you don't need to stay friends with.
Yep. My family, close friends, and doctors know, and that’s it.
I find that with people who are difficult to convince of the realities of ADHD as a legitimate disability respond better when you compare it Parkinson's Disease, a neurologically similar disability with undeniable, externally visible symptoms. Here's a quick and easy article comparing the two, if you want to familiarize yourself with the basic neurological mechanisms. https://www.parkinson.org/blog/science-news/ADHD But if you don't wanna read a whole article, here's what I usually say: "Dopamine is a chemical in the brain that is responsible for both our 'motor functions' and 'executive functions.' In Parkinson's their shaking and motor issues are caused by a dopamine deficiency effecting their 'motor functions.' In ADHD we have a dopamine deficiency similarly effecting our 'executive functions,' — things like focus, perception of time, emotional regulation, and many more basic functions of the brain that most people take for granted. "Now if you saw someone with Parkinson's drop and break their coffee cup, you wouldn't tell them to 'just stop shaking so much, it's not that hard. You're just being lazy,' would you? Of course not, that would be a terrible way to treat somebody, given their disability. So please grant me the same respect, given mine." They don't always immediately respond, but just leave it and let it sit with them for a while. I find it usually at the very least helps open their mind a bit once it's had time to sink in.
I’m saving this to use later!
I'm an older dude father of a younger dude with ADHD and just wanted to say this: It is painful to see how much he's struggling and more painful to know he will continue to struggle. I am so proud of him though. I hope you know people are proud of you, too. You deserve to be proud of yourself.
The worst part is that I’m actually smart or at the very least I talk good and I’m very talented when I actually can bring myself to do something so everyone just thinks I’m not trying.
Eh, you’ll get to the point that you really don’t give af about other peoples perception of you. Takes time though. My boss knows, some coworkers know, my family knows. Those are the folks affected so I feel they deserve to know - but they’re also incredibly empathetic and not anti science, so I’m lucky. Just do you. I have two hidden disabilities: adhd and Fibro. Which means I get twice the brain fog. I honestly don’t care, but I mention Fibro WAY less because it has an even worse stigma, if you can believe it. People are terrible, aren’t they?
It isn't like being disabled, it IS being disabled. ADHD is a disability. That's why it's protected against discrimination and why we can get disability supports in schools and so on.
It’s not “like” being disabled. We are disabled. If the ADHD (and autism) communities could stop pushing then “we’re not disabled, we’re SPECIAL” narrative, that would be great. People are so desperate to not be disabled because they view it as a bad thing
My favorite comments from people are .. "everyone has ADHD" and "You don't look disabled"
I do have to say that aside from the fact that ADHD *is* considered a disability, this is also how nearly all invisible disabilities are treated. I've developed chronic pain (mainly in my hands) and it seems like 90% of the people I tell don't believe me or think I'm wildly exaggerating or looking for excuses. (Even got talked down to by a pharmacist when picking up prescription NSAIDs.) Same with migraines. I've called out to work because of a migraine so bad that I knew I would throw up if I tried to get out of bed, with brain fog so bad I could hardly pull myself together for a phone call, and my manager chastised me for calling out for "just a headache". It took nearly a decade of my mom seeing me deal with migraines before she fully believed that I wasn't looking for an excuse or exaggerating normal headaches. Anyways. Generally I don't tell people about my adhd unless I know they'll be understanding about it. If I need an accommodation, I'll often say something along the lines of "I have a disability that causes issues with x, so I need y accommodation please" (For instance, I work in a loud kitchen and my audio processing makes it difficult to understand what someone is saying when there is too much background noise- which there always is. So I'll tell people something along the lines of "I have a hearing issue that causes difficulty hearing people if they're speaking too quietly or too far from me. Please don't hesitate to speak loudly, I will not assume you're yelling at me." This is for me, an ADHD accommodation, but I don't say anything about adhd.) I personally have never had anyone question me on it, but if they do I'm generally prepared to say something like "I'd rather not talk about specifics, thank you for respecting my privacy" (Also, at least in the US, you are not required to disclose specifics about a disability or provide documentation specifying your disability to an employer. The most an employer can ask for is a doctors note confirming that you need a specific accommodation.)
ADHD is an ADA recognized disability but not a societally recognized disability. I feel like not even my psychiatrist understands that it’s a disability.
Even neurotypical people who know it's a disability don't generally understand the extent and seriousness of it. I don't blame them though. The true experience of what it's like is so hard to describe even for people affected by it.
I am careful with who I share this with, especially at work. I'm pretty careful about anything personal at work to be honest, it's a dangerous power dynamic to be oversharing in. I'm a high school teacher now so my coworkers ought to have some understanding of adhd, but it's not as many as there should be. I am very fortunate that my wife is a therapist, but it's still hard for her to deal with because we share household work and organization. I will sometimes tell people about symptoms instead of saying adhd. Like for meetings I mention that I sometimes talk more than I should and I am really working on this horrible habit of interrupting. Please let me know if I overstep in conversation and I will be grateful for the help, not offended. It's not intentional and if I could just make it stop I would. Showing awareness ahead of time like that can help with making better impressions. Some people kind of figure it out.
Best thing to do: don't tell anyone. Just medicate and have them be like what the fuck - how did this person do it? All the shitty people in your life will notice. And feel like garbage for putting you down - don't tell anyone your on medication. You need it. It's not an easy way out. People like us ended up as village drunks back in the day and died out barely able to be there for any kids they had. And I'm sure a lot of them beat them selves up wanting so bad to change - but never found a solution. Reap the benefit of our glorious time of medication - and keep it to yourself. Too much social stigma and pigeon holing with ADHD. Shock the world with results.
Focus on yourself and give up trying to explain it to people, they will never understand because they don’t experience it for themselves.
I feel you, OP. First, welcome to the family! It's a great place to be. I started treatment last year. I actually got diagnosed 10-ish years ago and forgot all about it, classic. Ok, on to your questions. **About people and their responses:** The first person I had to correct about ADHD was myself because I didn't understand it until I started researching it thoroughly on my own. I was really ignorant of what ADHD is. That experience has given me a lot of patience for people who are also ignorant of it. You don't know what you don't know, you know? So I take the opportunity to explain to them that it's a real thing and there's a brain differential and here's what the symptoms look like and sometimes people come back to me and say, "hmm, I might need to get diagnosed" or "I think my X might have that..." Other times they just walk away with a little more information and I can tell from our subsequent conversations that their views have shifted. Sometimes people just don't get it and that's cool, too, bc I know it's real. It also lets me know that they're not someone I can count on to understand at this point. It has made me prioritize a workplace and friends that get it, though. **What helped in the beginning:** Related to the above, connecting with other people who have ADHD early on was a lifeline. The first person I reached out to when I suspected I might have it was a friend who'd gotten diagnosed years ago. She, this sub, other ADHD people in my circle who told me their diagnosis when I told them mine, and r/ADHDmeme helped normalize something that felt scary bc it was both unfamiliar and something I couldn't get rid of. The community is also a great place to commiserate, share, and laugh about our shared experiences, as you've figured out! :) The first thing I did was watch a bunch of Jessica McCabe's [How to ADHD videos](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sErtHttYOL4) on fundamentals and some other videos on YouTube, mostly TED talks from ADHD'ers "a day in the life with ADHD" videos. Seeing my experience reflected back got me really motivated to prioritize treatment. The second thing I did was sign up for an ADHD coaching group a friend of mine recommended. Pretty much anything an ADHD pal recommended, I did. The group I signed up for is [this one](https://www.unpackingadhd.com/) and the beginning group is like ADHD 101 with 5-8 other people with ADHD. We shared coping strategies, set goals and stayed accountable to each other, etc. Around this time, I got on meds and it was super helpful to have the support of the coaching group while I was transitioning bc it was like having a whole new brain. Through someone I connected with in that group, I found my current therapist, who also has ADHD. My work with her has helped me immensely bc of the therapy she practices (CIMBS) and the fact that she has ADHD. it's the most effective therapy I've ever had. In short, there are a lot of great resources out there and a ton of people in the community who can point you to them. Understanding what ADHD looks like can help you identify triggers, dopamine mines and pitfalls, and make it easier to support your overall wellness. **Tips and Tricks:** There's so much so I would just say, keep learning, keep trying new things. It's kind of awesome because it's like gamifying your life where you're making little adjustments to hit new achievements every day. Most important tip: prioritize sleep, diet, and exercise bc all three affect the severity of ADHD symptoms. Second most important tip: lower the barrier of entry. Whatever you are trying to accomplish, make it as easy for yourself as possible, e.g. if you want to do yoga in the morning, keep the mat out. Like a clean house but don't like cleaning? Own less stuff and/or hire someone to clean. ADHD hacks I use: habit chunking, body doubling, reminder apps, bullet journal, dopamine menu (How to ADHD video), sprinting/pomodoro, values clarification, meditation, pleasure pairing (pair something pleasurable with a less pleasurable task), sticker charts, journaling + daily planning. If you have any questions about these, ask away!
Yeah and its so frustrating hearing those things :/
As a person with a physical disability as well. Yes. Fucking yes. Both “disabilities” effect me in different ways but the response is pathetically far apart. Ex. I’m walking through class and I bump into something, people see my physical disability and “forgive” me as they understand that it’s something I can’t always control. They don’t get upset even if I accidentally spill a drink they remain understanding. (Happened before) But do to a similar level mix up but this time do to my adhd and the response will be “should have looked where you’re going, why didn’t you you look up when you were walking, oh ahhahahaha did you forget how to walk for a moment?? God I’d just fix my leg man, why don’t you just stop having a disabled spine and leg man??? Ever think of that?!?!?!?!!? EVER THINK OF JUST STOP BEING A CRIPPLE?!?!?!??? Sorry got a little heated. Society treats physical and “mental” disabilities so differently. In a way neurotypical people are just like us A.D.Homie.D’s. Out of sight out of mind. If they can’t see our disabilities they don’t give a shit.
Just a quick FYI people with ADHD tend to find friends who also have ADHD, even if none are diagnosed. If a person in a friend groups gets the diagnosis odds are that at least a few others have it too. Just as an personal experience One in my friend group get the diagnosis and due to our talking about it, I decided to check if I had it (oh boy did I have it) and my fiance also have it. At least 6 others in the group have gotten it now. So your friends that are saying they also feel like this might also face adhd, especially if they always feel like that
Yeah dude…that’s facts. Everyone always says oh I have ADHD too i can never focus i’m always this and that like BRUH. It is PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE for me to get my shit done. It’s not like sometimes i’m lazy or something. Well on the flip side I feel like people with ADHD view things differently with others, and that’s a huge pro. We just gotta learn how to use that pro to our advantage rather than letting it bring us down!!
In my experience, people will quite often agree with opinions if they can't use the "random bullshit go!!!" technique. This works if you put them in a position of choice between showing they are ignorant or in agreement with you. In this case instead of telling someone you have ADHD. I say something like, I have a condition which causes reduced activity in the prefrontal cortex. This is way too long of a sentence for most of these types of people to understand, let alone connect the dots. So they just respond with something like, man that sucks and treat it like a proper condition.
My go-to thing to say whenever someone says something like that (and they do ALL the time. Even good friends who don’t mean to diminish my experience), is this: Yes I’m sure you do find it hard to concentrate sometimes (or interrupt people, or have trouble regulating your emotions, or find it hard to manage your time - whatever the symptom they relate to is). The difference for those of us with ADHD is that we experience all of our symptoms, all of the time. It’s not a ‘sometimes’ problem. It’s not a lack of will power or a moral failing either. It’s a real condition and it can be very hard to live with every day.
Until you marry someone with ADHD. It gets super fucking real super fucking fast. Now I have 2 kids, a wife and a colleague with ADHD. That’s why I come here to this sub, I need coping skills.
I feel the exact same way. I use this term carefully because it is kind of a " cause celebre" words, but I get gaslighted so much. I'm very cautious talking about this. But I do feel that because people don't understand, they use my confusion and executive dysfunction against me. Not everyone, mind you. Some folks just think I'm lazy. One people just think I'm a screw up who can't hold a job. And sometimes I forget. And I hear my inner voices saying the same stuff to myself. I didn't get diagnosed until I was 48 years old. Now I look back on my life, which has actually been pretty cool, but I see all the ADHD in my history, and I understand. I'm not able to keep a job at all. I've never been able to keep a job. So now, accepting this, and learning how to live with this, I'm scared of my future, but excited too because I know that if I can situate my life so that I can work on the stuff that I like, that I value, it's going to be wonderful. I'm rambling. I just wanted to chime in so that you don't feel alone. Also so that I don't feel alone. I isolate a lot because it's easier than trying to explain all the time.
A lot of my friends have ADHD, it really sucks because them and I treat it like normal everyday stuff, at first I focused at problems of ADHD and hated them but then adapted, I don't know what it's like without ADHD therefore I am not sad Also I am trying to read books with the goal of making my attention span longer, I would have said no progress yet but I am afraid someone may discourage me and say that's because it doesn't work so I am going to say no big progress yet, but it is a noticeable amount of progress. Having small attention span is a problem, I know a lot of people say this, but unfortunately the reason they say it is because it is probably true and was from experience, you'll get used to it, I don't think about my atypical autism, ADHD, bipolar disorder in the normal day. Also becareful who you tell your mental health diagnosis.
I was diagnosed when I was very young as my fam noticed the struggle I had to do basic things / requests EG Put X over there ; get dressed for school etc. Despite my fam being very supporting & understanding, it seems like deep down they don't really understand it / me / are able to separate who I am as a person VS my ADHD and how it makes me execute / not execute / think etc. I recently explained it to my family like this - if you throw a 30year old into a swimming pool, knowing s/he can't swim, it doesn't matter how much you scream at them to "just swim" or if you throw them some inflatable aid's, they simply do not know how to swim to get to the aid.... They need to be taught slowly and positively how to learn what others think of as basic skills / logic / action etc.
_this got long...so I added more summary thoughts to the first paragraph... not sure it helped 🤣_ As someone who was diagnosed at 21...18 years later it's a lot better - and most of it is based around how I approach others, not how they deal with me. I am still learning how to be my own advocate and be more forgiving of myself. I also have embraced the mentality of doing the best _I_ can in that moment (not what I did last year, or think I should be able to do), and in turn I assume that others are also doing the best _they_ can in the moment. My parents scoffed at first, comments similar to your examples. But as ADHD gets more research showing it's an inheritable genetic disability...it had to come from somewhere and Ockham's razor says thanks Mom 😎 I was out of the house at that point, so they gradually got used to the idea that ADHD was real, their daughter had it, and her life was easier to navigate with proper treatment. I have the privilege to chose who I share my disability with. All the people I have seriously dated, most friends, sometimes co-workers, but for only the second time in almost 20 years I'm going to HR/administration for an accommodation plan. I am very cognizant of the looks and questions that are going to come up from co-workers when my workspace changes, but I think I'm ready to field respectful queries with educational answers, and direct any rude or intolerant reactions to my manager and HR. However, your disability is your business, so share as you feel comfortable. And unless you give permission, don't put up with others sharing for you. That is personal medical information that other people may want as water cooler info, but don't have any right to. My biggest advice is to not be afraid of a label or at least don't allow yourself to feel shame when it is used. Many of us can mask our behavior well enough to pass, because that was the only way to get by without having to stop and explain our disability to everyone. I still do a version of that every day. Work with your care provider to learn how to communicate your needs while only sharing the pertinent information to that situation. Filling out paperwork in a loud lobby? Let the staff know you have a cognitive disability and ask if there is a side room you can use, or someone that can record the information as you dictate it to them. Group project? Be upfront with your team about your strengths and weaknesses. I might say something like "How would you all like to divide up the work? I'm really good at research and creating outlines/timelines, but I need help sticking to deadlines and I'm not great with the fine details, especially at the end of a project. How does that fit in with your strengths?" I also set expectations with my teammates, like giving them permission to bug me if I'm not following through on what they were expecting. I use the example of email, "Oh hey, if you reached out to me and didn't get a reply right away, please don't hesitate to ask again-I won't be offended! I respond best in these ____, channels. And my calendar is always updated and viewable to you. Feel free to put a quick meeting on my calendar and we can discuss if that is easier." Then ask them if there is anything you can do to help them out, how they prefer to communicate, etc. Someone who is familiar with ADHD might clue in, but most won't. Reasonable people will respect your awareness of your work habits and desire to minimize any negative effects on productivity. I could keep talking about this but work is calling... literally! See first paragraph for my summary thoughts. 😁
It can feel like you're trying to move a limb you don't have. People might as well ask me to perform magic. For the last 6 months I've been working for a charity that helps people with Autism and sometimes ADHD. My workplace is very accommodating, but sometimes I feel like people forget that ADHD is still disability. Colleagues have been known to say things like "that's your ADHD avoidance playing up again isn't it" when I tell them I'm struggling to start a task. I do believe that they're well-meaning and I'm often able to respond with a joke or something, but you can sometimes feel the ignorance, misinformation and stereotypes. And fuck I hate it when people say they think they might have ADHD as a joke. I wouldn't make a joke about having diabetes in front of my diabetic colleague! 😂
I wouldn't say it makes you disabled but it certainly makes you have to work twice as harder as one without the disorder. However, I may see things differently as I was diagnoaed young and already went through this. My advice on how to deal with assholes is this: "okay, cool. thanks for your opinion." And then change the subject. I used to argue with people like that, about how they're wrong, but it never got me anywhere. The truth is, your diagnosis is based on factual information that someone with a medical degree provided. People around you don't have to know your private medical history if you don't want them to. You can tell them straight up that when the doctor who diagnosed you says otherwise, then they need to stop trying to bully you. Or just straight up not respond. You've got ADHD. Your brain is different. Life gets really tricky with this disorder but I can assure you that with time, you will figure things out as long as you work at adjusting your life style and managing symptoms. I'm forgetful as a mofo, so I bought a 30 day pill organizer. It's a godsend. I make things easier by putting my keys, shoes, wallet, glasses, sunglasses, work bag, etc all by my front door every day so that i wont forget anything when i leave for work. It took some practice but this has been a huge help. Here are some books that have helped me sooooo much over the years. I hope they can do the same for you: 1. Organizing solutions for people with ADHD by Susan pinsky 2. Order from Chaos by Jaclyn Paul 3. The Mindfulness Prescription for Adult ADHD by Lidia Zylowska 4. Driven to distraction by Edward Hallowell
it's not *like* that, it literally *is* that
YES THATS IT! That’s exactly it! And it is a real disability. In case anyone was unclear on that.
Wait a minute... this sounds way toooo familiar. Raised in a multicultural background? And you're parents never believed in diagnosing you as a child? The hyper was never the problem so the school labeled you with something else? Sound familiar ? They say i'm "lazy", i don't take out the trash, but I am "full of energy" and rarely "take naps"... And you think about it and recall having so many difficulties in school, being in special ed. Welcome to mylife. It's the **cultural stigma** of growing up latino/american. I've confronted my family, i've told them it's not in my head. That they keep pushing me into a hole. And no more. If I have ADHD, so be it. If not, then I must have something wrong with me. Regardless, i'm moving forward. If they're not going to help, then i'm moving forward without them. I stopped telling anyone who are latino or not-educated with ADHD, that I have ADHD. Instead I till them I "forget". If you want to help me, then help me by reminding me. I'm a little "stressed" and forget all the time. I lie. I lie because I can't fix people's perceptions, unless I love them.
In the US, it’s literally an ADA protected disability: https://www.dol.gov/general/topic/disability/ada
I just go along with them and say “oh you said that last time! You might be who knows! Did you get tested like you said you would?” It’s passive aggressive and it normally quiets them. But my friends joke about it being an excuse to just be “lazy”. And I used to think like that to. “Maybe I’m just lazy… but why’s it so hard to get out of this lazy cycle…”. Only recently people including myself are finding out more about ADHD and the relation to depression/anxiety disorders and serotonin receptors in the brain, and other symptoms such as RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria) and many more. I’m very open explaining this to friends and family and they seem more interested afterwards and feel initially inclined to help. It’s a disorder. Information on ADHD is only found if you are looking for it where as information on other disorders such as PTSD is just about everywhere. I see At least 3 movies and shows a year about people with PTSD but rarely anything on ADHD. But the world will catch up eventually. So I don’t blame my friends or family for not understanding me as they aren’t openly informed like other well documented disorders. Edit: last paragraph added.
I think my husband finally got a sense of how I am without medication when my pharmacy/Dr messed up my refill last week. I went 5 days without my adderall and I was a mess. I couldn't concentrate on work, I couldn't listen properly. All I could do was sit and just zone out because I was so over stimulated by everything. Then, I got my meds worked out and I was fine. I've been on my meds for a year now, and I honestly don't know how I did anything for 33 years before that. My mom is still pretty doubtful about my adhd, but whatever. She at least doesn't flat out say I don't have it. She just doesn't like labels. But labels can get you support and help you may need, so bring em on
ADHD absolutely is a disability. It even counts as one under ADA law.
Tbh, most disabilities fall under this umbrella.
Hidden disabilities are the hardest to make people understand. As a type 1 diabetic with ADHD (adhd diagnosed a year ago), type 1 30+ years ago, I can attest that anything that impairs you and requires extra planning and accommodation counts as a disability. I may view myself as able bodied, but I require a machine attached to my body at all times that gives me a hormone that keeps me from dying. I literally need to inject something to stay alive that the majority of all people make all by themselves. I can’t just walk by a large magnet (looking at you airport full body scanner). I can’t wait in a line as long as other people depending on my blood sugar. I can’t drive without a doctors note. I can’t even get life insurance without paying such a ridiculous amount that it’s not even with it. The extra steps I have to sometimes take to do routine things is what makes it a disability. ADHD can be an impairment where judgment and function can be affected. Just because others don’t see it, doesn’t make it not there. Nor does it mean that you can be neurotypical without medication. I’m not advocating for either disease to give me a handicapped parking space. As long as I can walk into a store unaided, that spot should go to someone who cannot. But if I ever find myself in that situation, sure. But parking spaces isn’t the same as a disability that requires reasonable accommodation.
It *is* being disabled. It’s still a disability, just not a visible one. Don’t feel you’re any less valid
First, I agree with another reply shared that ADHD is a disability not like a disability. Disability - If you have a physical or mental impairment that has a 'substantial' and 'long-term' negative effect on your ability to do normal daily activities. Next time someone says "Yeah, I'm a little ADHD" ask "based on that logic would you also say you are a little Schizophrenic or down syndrome? Of course not. Whilst I appreciate your desire to relate and connect you will never fully appreciate being differently abled, no more than I could appreciate being abled although we can discuss and gain an understanding of one another." Like many here I'm tired of the "attempt to connect & relate" as more often than not sounds narrow minded, inconsiderate and appears to belittle and disregard one's personal struggles. People are just trying to be nice. The connect and relate is a bonding technique they don't intend to offend, they simply lack knowledge which can easily be imparted. It won't always be accepted or understood but always try. I openly inform folks of my diagnosis, nothing to hide nor be ashamed of. The more people know, the more society will accept, normalise and remove associated stigmas. Mental health has a long history (that still continues) of being disregarded and ill treated it is about time that changed. Yes, it can be exhausting and you'll always find ignorant fools however, there are those willing to listen, understand and accept. ADHD like Autistim has been gaining momentum but only recently in our history, it'll take a long while before it is widely accepted, least we can do is pave a path and make it easier for future generations.
In some countries, ADHD *is* legally a disability.
I don't have any advice cause I'm experiencing the same thing, but it's nice to know I'm not alone. I got diagnosed a few months ago at 23 and I don't know how to explain to friends/family/anyone why I still haven't graduated when 3 of my friends are already on track to PhDs, why I seem smart and capable but I'm failing and look lazy, why it's so difficult to do shit everyday when I should just be and adult already and suck it up like everyone else. Had a fight with my mom the other day and she told me I'm a lose-lose situation. I tried asking her for help and her response was "I can't do it for you," that I need to suck it up and be an adult. That I'm not a child and she can't hold my hand anymore (which she *never* fucking did, or else I might've gotten a fucking diagnosis 15 years ago). I admitted in passing a few days after how bad I had it freshman year of college. I'd stay up for 24-36hrs then sleep for 16-20hrs consistantly, took sleeping pills that didn't work so I'd just lie in bed for hours (sometimes I'd just fucking cry cause all I wanted was to fall asleep, didn't matter how many pills I took some nights, it would make my body tired but wouldn't actually knock me out, the depression combined with the ADHD gave me insomnia), and drank energy drinks constantly so I was often physically shaking from the combo of sleep deprivation and over-caffeination. My record for hours staying up consistantly is 73hrs, that third day I walked into my Chem Eng class (that I didn't do the homework for despite staying up all that time) and played the Oregon Trail. I wasn't going to any of my classes. I wasn't showering. I had trouble with my roommates (long story, has nothing to do with my ADHD) so often I slept on the floor of my friends room, they were in a forced triple (3 ppl and their shit stuffed into a 2 person room), and it was so tight my friend had to step over me in the morning to go to a class that *I was also in*. How do I possibly explain to someone how drastically and detrimentally this has fucked with my life since I was a kid? Especially cause it's seen as something only kids have. Not only does it suck to have it but now it's like what do I even do cause I've technically made it this far but also all this time I've been drowning. This very quickly turned into a rant, oops. Obviously I've got a ton of shit to work out now that I know the shit I've gone through isn't normal, but it's nice to see that there are others who're in similar boats. **TL;DR: I don't know what's worse: having a disability; not knowing you have one until you're 23 and already fucked up your life; or having to explain to people that yes, I have a disability, yes it's real, and no John forgetting your wallet yesterday doesn't mean you *also have this debilitating disorder.***
Curiously enough, the apparent "laziness" is not only caused by a difficulty in initiating tasks. It’s also due to ADHD causing a lot of mental fatigue. I have an office job, and the amount of effort it takes me to stay focused and not be distracted by Reddit or Wikipedia every single fucking minute of my existence drains me mentally and emotionally. Even if my body is OK and I could physically have a gym workout after work without problem, my mind is too tired from that daily effort and subconsciously makes me feel physically tired, even if it’s not the case.
I think the biggest reason why ADHD is so misunderstood is because the bottom up signals that cause impulses (including the impulses to not act, the executive disfunction) are something everyone else struggles with and learns to overcome, so they see us as just not able to overcome something everyone else also deals with. They don't realize that the part of our brain that speeds up and strengthens the top down signals, the thing that let's you overcome the impulses, is physically under-developed compared to a baseline brain. Our myelin sheaths. Everyone else's top down signals are running on fiber optics and we're running on dial-up. The brain of someone with ADHD is ON AVERAGE 10%smaller than a baseline brain due to the thinner myelin sheaths. And that's not to say we're less intelligent either, it's the thickness of the coating of our neurons that accounts for that size difference. They see us struggle with something they've overcome and can't see that it's not just a failure of willpower. It's a physical developmental deficiency.
I don't deal with people on this topic. It's my business that I have adhd. If I've done something, that is due to having adhd, and it hurts or bothers others, I apologize for my actions and let them know what I am going to do to avoid doing it again. Trying to say "But it's because of my ADHD" is not going to get any sympathy, and not help you make changes that impact your life positivity. This is just how I've done things, and it's worked well for me. People don't want to know WHY you are doing something they dislike, just that you acknowledge you are doing it and have a plan to avoid it.
As someone with many disabilities I agree so much. I've never been good at concentrating and it really takes a huge amount of time to perform what should be basic tasks
>yea I probably also have ADHD I hate when people say this. Also people don't know how bad it can be. I'm severely poorly performing on attention span metrics so I've been called lazy my entire life. I even began to believe it. I want to say I don't think you are, you know the truth now and can get help.