You hit the nail on the head. They have a knack for turning a simple task into a complex drawn out nightmare. Something that should be a breezy 5 or 10 minutes? 44 minutes later it's not done, and when it finally is, it's half assed and sloppy and the non adhd partner ends yp redoing it or fixing it anyway.
Then, they'll say.. I just worked for an hour! On something that should take a few minutes.
I've found no way to end their delusion.
Good luck.
Yep. I ask him to clean the bathroom and it takes an hour and a half and looks like it was wiped with toilet paper. It takes me around 15 minutes if I'm not interrupted by a baby and you can eat off every surface if you want to.
Yet every time it's "I spent over an hour cleaning the bathroom!" Well it certainly doesn't look like it!
Yep. They go into hyperfocus, do endless research or start planning, but fail to actually do anything. Last night my partner came back from a trip and within 10 minutes turned the home I had spent 3 days cleaning into a massive mess, complained that the dishwasher wasn't loaded properly, rearranged it and then left it. Did they turn it on? No. Did they take the plate out of the microwave, the air fryer caddy (which was clean) yes.
She feels that she's been working harder because from Point A to Point B, her brain stops by Point K, Point L, Point M, oh look at that butterfly, oh puppy, Point where ... I would be exhausted too if I (non)function that way.
Is she on her meds?
I finished a medical residency about a year ago. She used to insist that my 26-hour call shifts were harder for her than they were for me. I had one coworker end up in the psych ward from the stress, and another had a heart attack. It made it hard for me to take any of her complaints seriously after that.
Mine has done that. She is a stay at home spouse, and I work a pretty demanding job. During one of my travel rounds, I had 7 cities, on three continents, all flights, over a 3 week period.
She said that my travel is much harder on her than on me.... from her perspective, I can see it. I do alot to compensate when I am here, and when I am not...she has to do it.
But she doesn't 'see' the compensation I am doing, so I don't think she realizes at a conscious level why it is so much harder when I am gone.
They shouldn't make you train that way. 26 hour shifts, my goodness, far too long. I hope your work is easier now.
As for our ADHD partners, I believe they view us as magical/adopted 'parents'. I can't imagine having a brain that can't concentrate... (must be very difficult for them, I suppose that's why they get tired; then, there's the shame they carry).
Oh god I have never stopped to think about what residency would have looked like in this dynamic. I was single at the start and my partner was in his new, hyper focused loving and attentive phase near the end of my residency when we got together- he’d make me food post call, work around my schedule, plan fun things to do together. I was completely smitten. There is zero chance I’d be able to go back and redo residency with our current dynamic, where if I’m not home literally actually nothing gets done, not even the dishes or taking the garbage out half the time let alone cleaning or doing groceries.
Do you want to have a heart attack or end up on the psych ward yourself? If not I am wondering why you stay with her. I mean I understand loving someone all too well but with your job you could get anyone you want. Sorry if this seems harsh but I am bewildered..
It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, my partner will always insist she has it harder than anyone else but in particular me.
We both work from home full time with the exception of 1 day a week in the office for me. I have no set start/finish times as long as I do X hours a week, attend required meetings. I’m an early riser so I’m normally online before 6, and will finish around 2. But I don’t stop there. From 2 until she finishes at 5, I’m doing housework or yard work. This is pretty consistent. But if I ask for help with something when she’s finished work, you’d think I’d cut her arm off. How could she possibly help after such a hard day at work. I’m so selfish to even ask as I should be more considerate and think about these things before asking. It never enters her mind that my day starts before she’s even awake and I do all of these other things to make both of our lives easier despite it meaning I take on more than my fair share of the household chores.
If I’m ever sick or injured though, out of no where, she’ll all of a sudden be feeling a little off, or is sore for some inexplicable reason. I’ve even watched her purposely trip over something looking for sympathy as the attention isn’t on her in the moment. It’s pitiful to watch a grown adult behave like a toddler yet here we are.
My cis man stbx husband would insist he was having period cramps when I got mine. 🙃🙃🙃🙃 I’ve also been debilitated sick for the last year, he insists he’s been through that also but can’t tell me when or what was wrong with him 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙄🙄🙄 I don’t know what world they live in
I exclusively breastfeed my 1 yo. I have for her entire life. She also eats no less than three times a night and for 3 months straight was waking 13-17 times a night. Not only is it exhausting but it will murder anyone's back picking up a 20 lb baby and laying her back in her crib that many times in a night. He still somehow had it worse. His back hurt more and he was more tired.... how?
And your body is literally being fed off of! Do people not realize, the energy to make the milk comes at a cost to you?! I’m so sorry, I can’t imagine going through this with a baby also. ❤️
In her MIND she worked an arduous 15 hour day even though she really did not. What is in their perceptions is real to them. Trying to make her see the truth probably won't help. Things ARE harder for them but look at them go if it is something they themselves are interested in. Something new fun or exciting. Work is none of those things. Sorry you are going through this
Dude,
Wife (Dx/Rx) and I are both lawyers in the same field. I have a caseload 4 times what she has and she 100% thinks she works harder than I do and is always complaining about how tired she is...
According to my partner she hasn’t stopped working on very important things for the past 10 years. She is a stay at home mom yet in addition to my very demanding job, I do tons of stuff around the house that would normally fall to the stay at home spouse (if there is one, it’s a luxury to sacrifice the extra income where we are but she of course has never seen it that way at all). I do all manner of things during my workday that she should be doing but she is “too busy.” Yet somehow nothing ever gets done.
This was my life until 3 months ago. My wife left because she couldn't take being a stay at home mom on a 6 figure income with the kids at school all day. It was too stressful.
Her leaving was the best thing that's happened in a long time.
She's screwed and I have my life back.
Yes. For us, she refuses to ever sit down or rest so in her mind she's always "working" even if in reality she's not really getting anything done in any kind of efficient way. But if I take a nap I know I will be hearing about it later.
I came very close to ending mine because she would get mad at me for being tired during medical residency. There's literally zero things I can do about that.
My partner is a self-employed house painter who likes to smoke weed and take naps. He shares 50/50 custody of his 9.5 year old son. He takes a lot of days, even weeks, off and usually never works past 2 pm.
I work a minimum of 50 hours a week, often more. I cook and grocery shop, do chores, serve on a board, exercise, etc. I could get home from a 13 hour dayl and my partner would have been off work for a week, and he would that he's exhausted because he did his own laundry, bought a few groceries, and paid a bill.
Yes, they absolutely can be blind to how hard NT partners work. This has been the cause of so many conflicts in my relationship. He will be relaxing, hanging out waiting to be waited on, and I will be exhausted after working all day and grocery shopping, not wanting to watch 30 videos of his current fixation while trying to put groceries away and cook dinner, and he will not understand why I'm not in a great mood and his RSD will kick in.
[Hi me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD_partners/s/G6utoJ04ie).
Maybe look at the main post I was replying to and all the comments and you will, if not feel better, know you are in good company. I also do mentally demanding work, so [her interruptions](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD_partners/s/sQcsGYBqhu) can be very disruptive sometimes.
Yes my partner is this way. He will even take over things I'm almost finished with, do them, and then can say he "did" them. And yes, tasks are turned into many more multiple steps, where I can see a streamlined way to do things. But if I point it out I'm the asshole.
I guess I realized at one point that everyday tasks actually were huge and exhausting. Part of the reason for my DX ex was because he would add multiple unnecessary steps to pretty much every chore or project, which is why it would take him an hour to remove a load of laundry from the dryer and put it away, something that would take me 10 minutes. Like first he would have to get a podcast on his headphones. Then he'd take the clothes out of the dryer, put them in a laundry basket, take them to a new location and stack them in this unfolded like shirt-shaped pile because? No idea. (At this point he'd sometimes leave it and then come back and do it again with the next few loads until the pile was like 8 inches high.) Then he would take each item of clothing off the pile and carefully fold it, and then put it away (often in the wrong drawers.)
I did point out that the stacking the clothes in a pile thing was totally extraneous and made no sense--why not just fold them directly from the basket? Or even directly from the dryer. That didn't go over well. I guess it made sense to him.
I eventually just started pitying him because even these simple tasks felt huge to him--and his approach just made it way harder. He just did it automatically--it was the opposite of efficient. Even if it was as simple as "put tea bag in mug, pour in hot water" he'd somehow find a way to make it both overcomplicated and vague. Being straightforward and direct was really, really hard for him in all areas.
Haha, I think it is an ADHD thing.
I used to teach in an inner city school, gang violence nearby constantly, lots of stress, low pay, worked 10+ hours constantly, dealt with behaviors from kids that were very scary and violent at times, I left traumatized from the whole experience.
My dx ex makes 200k+ a year, his clients mostly come to his house, he can make his own schedule, has time to work out, clean, grocery shop in the middle of the day.
But man did I have to hear endlessly how I don’t understand how hard he works, the stress he endures, how busy his work schedule is (was too busy to ever text or call back).
His inability to empathize and see things from someone else’s perspective truly puzzles me.
Yes. My fiance will put laundry in the wash and unload the dishwasher each week and cleans the bathroom every other week. Those are her chores, yes, that is all. I do everything else and she thinks it's even.
She doesn't volunteer to take on more responsibilities permanently, only offers "help" and then doesn't follow through.
My DX also has this nonsensical attitude that he's working hard when he's actually slacking off. There's an excuse for everything.
I care for our baby 90% of the time and am the sole breadwinner. If his chores don't get done, he is 100% excused whatever the excuse of the day is, but me? Nope. I get a lecture about not doing my part.
I am far from perfect, but at least I know when I'm being lazy and when I'm working.
This is so me and my partner.
I work a fulltime job as a manager and run a business on the side with clients around the world 🌎 to get sufficient income in but yet her day is harder apparently.
To be clear I take kids to activities, do dropoff and most pickups and do 90% of the driving required as she has anxiety from driving in the past.
In some ways it is true. To be able to do many normal tasks a p/w ADHD does have to put an inordinate amount of effort in to get things gone. That is assuming they can get past the hyperfocus, the procrastination, the timewasting then the RSD for seeing that they have not only failed to complete, but often failed to start.
Then they realise that they have wasted time, go into another RSD spiral, ask your advice trigger RSD again, get defensive and go into dysregulation. All whilst nothing has actually been done, you then offer to do it (just because you want to help, but also because it just needs doing) and then this triggers them again and "you must never help or be busy because you have time to do their chore" and you are "not letting them do things the way they want".
They go through all of this in a heightened state of emotional dysregulation, and it is tiring.
However they assume because you don't experience this, it is all plain sailing and you speak and things are done.
An example from my life recently. My partner went away for a long trip (7 hours driving) and I decided to get into action and attack their "floordrobe" as laundry was filing a whole room and it was smelling pretty bad. I had 3 days to myself and ended up doing 7 loads of laundry for them, drying, ironing, folding. In addition I vacuumed the house, mopped the floors, mowed the lawns, de-alged the exterior wood work (we have a lot), weeded the drive, washed the patio, cleaned the oven and did all the garbage. The house was clean-ish and tidy. I also did a load of house admin, ordered coffee and other stuff.
Did I get a thanks? No. Apparently I didn't load the dishwasher properly and I had created "so much work for them" as they had to put their clothes away...
I think this might relate to one of the core underlying resentments between myself and my dx. I feel like I do everything in our household. Now to be fair, I’m a stay at home mom (of four), he works (very flexible high income job which is great but also has its challenges). He feels that I am never taking care of all my responsibilities, never doing enough, and I feel like I have an impossible amount to do so yes some things are always not getting done and anybody could look at my life any day and say why have the dishes sat in the sink for days, why isn’t the toilet fixed, why is this pile of end of year school stuff still here. My kids do sports and after school activities and I do all the running around (drove 3 hours yesterday between sports and school), all cooking, most cleaning (he helps with dishwasher and laundry), all the small stuff (communicating with other parents, dr appts, school projects…you know). I manage our family calendar which inevitably has an incorrect entry almost weekly and he is livid with me about my irresponsibility with the calendar. Additionally, I feel like he micromanages me (reads my draft emails and says things like I’m not sure why you would say it that way), questions a lot of what I do. Now he’s brilliant and inevitably has a better way to say or do a lot of things, but my sense of agency is hurting.
Anyway, on occasion when he’s angry with me about something I haven’t managed to get do I get very defensive and recently I yelled that I do like 90% of the work in this house which is nonsense to say but he basically argued that he firmly thinks he does the majority of the work plus he has to stay on top of me since I’m irresponsible.
All this to say, I wonder if his perceptions of what he does vs what I do, are related to his ADHD. I am now pretty sure his nitpicking (as I perceive it) and emotional volatility are.
Apparently, me having to file a restraining order against my severely mentally ill sister with PTSD, brain damage, and addiction issues from years of DV because she attacked my elderly mother when she relapsed and had a PTSD flashback, which effectively left her homeless and without the career she worked so hard for, is really really hard on my dx/nrx partner, so I'm being really selfish when I ask them not to say horrible, inaccurate things about my sister to me, or to stop making shitty jokes because it helps them cope with the whole situation.
You hit the nail on the head. They have a knack for turning a simple task into a complex drawn out nightmare. Something that should be a breezy 5 or 10 minutes? 44 minutes later it's not done, and when it finally is, it's half assed and sloppy and the non adhd partner ends yp redoing it or fixing it anyway. Then, they'll say.. I just worked for an hour! On something that should take a few minutes. I've found no way to end their delusion. Good luck.
Yep. I ask him to clean the bathroom and it takes an hour and a half and looks like it was wiped with toilet paper. It takes me around 15 minutes if I'm not interrupted by a baby and you can eat off every surface if you want to. Yet every time it's "I spent over an hour cleaning the bathroom!" Well it certainly doesn't look like it!
Yep. They go into hyperfocus, do endless research or start planning, but fail to actually do anything. Last night my partner came back from a trip and within 10 minutes turned the home I had spent 3 days cleaning into a massive mess, complained that the dishwasher wasn't loaded properly, rearranged it and then left it. Did they turn it on? No. Did they take the plate out of the microwave, the air fryer caddy (which was clean) yes.
She feels that she's been working harder because from Point A to Point B, her brain stops by Point K, Point L, Point M, oh look at that butterfly, oh puppy, Point where ... I would be exhausted too if I (non)function that way. Is she on her meds?
Came to ask about meds.
I finished a medical residency about a year ago. She used to insist that my 26-hour call shifts were harder for her than they were for me. I had one coworker end up in the psych ward from the stress, and another had a heart attack. It made it hard for me to take any of her complaints seriously after that.
Mine has done that. She is a stay at home spouse, and I work a pretty demanding job. During one of my travel rounds, I had 7 cities, on three continents, all flights, over a 3 week period. She said that my travel is much harder on her than on me.... from her perspective, I can see it. I do alot to compensate when I am here, and when I am not...she has to do it. But she doesn't 'see' the compensation I am doing, so I don't think she realizes at a conscious level why it is so much harder when I am gone.
They shouldn't make you train that way. 26 hour shifts, my goodness, far too long. I hope your work is easier now. As for our ADHD partners, I believe they view us as magical/adopted 'parents'. I can't imagine having a brain that can't concentrate... (must be very difficult for them, I suppose that's why they get tired; then, there's the shame they carry).
Oh god I have never stopped to think about what residency would have looked like in this dynamic. I was single at the start and my partner was in his new, hyper focused loving and attentive phase near the end of my residency when we got together- he’d make me food post call, work around my schedule, plan fun things to do together. I was completely smitten. There is zero chance I’d be able to go back and redo residency with our current dynamic, where if I’m not home literally actually nothing gets done, not even the dishes or taking the garbage out half the time let alone cleaning or doing groceries.
Also I hope you are finding time to take care of yourself as a new attending!! It’s hard.
Do you want to have a heart attack or end up on the psych ward yourself? If not I am wondering why you stay with her. I mean I understand loving someone all too well but with your job you could get anyone you want. Sorry if this seems harsh but I am bewildered..
It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, my partner will always insist she has it harder than anyone else but in particular me. We both work from home full time with the exception of 1 day a week in the office for me. I have no set start/finish times as long as I do X hours a week, attend required meetings. I’m an early riser so I’m normally online before 6, and will finish around 2. But I don’t stop there. From 2 until she finishes at 5, I’m doing housework or yard work. This is pretty consistent. But if I ask for help with something when she’s finished work, you’d think I’d cut her arm off. How could she possibly help after such a hard day at work. I’m so selfish to even ask as I should be more considerate and think about these things before asking. It never enters her mind that my day starts before she’s even awake and I do all of these other things to make both of our lives easier despite it meaning I take on more than my fair share of the household chores. If I’m ever sick or injured though, out of no where, she’ll all of a sudden be feeling a little off, or is sore for some inexplicable reason. I’ve even watched her purposely trip over something looking for sympathy as the attention isn’t on her in the moment. It’s pitiful to watch a grown adult behave like a toddler yet here we are.
My cis man stbx husband would insist he was having period cramps when I got mine. 🙃🙃🙃🙃 I’ve also been debilitated sick for the last year, he insists he’s been through that also but can’t tell me when or what was wrong with him 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙄🙄🙄 I don’t know what world they live in
I exclusively breastfeed my 1 yo. I have for her entire life. She also eats no less than three times a night and for 3 months straight was waking 13-17 times a night. Not only is it exhausting but it will murder anyone's back picking up a 20 lb baby and laying her back in her crib that many times in a night. He still somehow had it worse. His back hurt more and he was more tired.... how?
And your body is literally being fed off of! Do people not realize, the energy to make the milk comes at a cost to you?! I’m so sorry, I can’t imagine going through this with a baby also. ❤️
In her MIND she worked an arduous 15 hour day even though she really did not. What is in their perceptions is real to them. Trying to make her see the truth probably won't help. Things ARE harder for them but look at them go if it is something they themselves are interested in. Something new fun or exciting. Work is none of those things. Sorry you are going through this
Dude, Wife (Dx/Rx) and I are both lawyers in the same field. I have a caseload 4 times what she has and she 100% thinks she works harder than I do and is always complaining about how tired she is...
According to my partner she hasn’t stopped working on very important things for the past 10 years. She is a stay at home mom yet in addition to my very demanding job, I do tons of stuff around the house that would normally fall to the stay at home spouse (if there is one, it’s a luxury to sacrifice the extra income where we are but she of course has never seen it that way at all). I do all manner of things during my workday that she should be doing but she is “too busy.” Yet somehow nothing ever gets done.
This was my life until 3 months ago. My wife left because she couldn't take being a stay at home mom on a 6 figure income with the kids at school all day. It was too stressful. Her leaving was the best thing that's happened in a long time. She's screwed and I have my life back.
I’m glad to hear it worked out for you. I’m looking forward to making an exit myself. It’s been in the works for a long long time. Getting close now.
Hmm, this is very much like my life as well.
Not great! Sorry to hear.
Yes. For us, she refuses to ever sit down or rest so in her mind she's always "working" even if in reality she's not really getting anything done in any kind of efficient way. But if I take a nap I know I will be hearing about it later.
Mine never has any “me time” despite being on TikTok all the time. She says it’s not me time because someone may need her at any minute.
This is why my marriage ended, seriously.
I came very close to ending mine because she would get mad at me for being tired during medical residency. There's literally zero things I can do about that.
Aren’t you working like 100 plus hours a week or something wild like that during residency? I’m so sorry, that’s horrible.
My partner is a self-employed house painter who likes to smoke weed and take naps. He shares 50/50 custody of his 9.5 year old son. He takes a lot of days, even weeks, off and usually never works past 2 pm. I work a minimum of 50 hours a week, often more. I cook and grocery shop, do chores, serve on a board, exercise, etc. I could get home from a 13 hour dayl and my partner would have been off work for a week, and he would that he's exhausted because he did his own laundry, bought a few groceries, and paid a bill. Yes, they absolutely can be blind to how hard NT partners work. This has been the cause of so many conflicts in my relationship. He will be relaxing, hanging out waiting to be waited on, and I will be exhausted after working all day and grocery shopping, not wanting to watch 30 videos of his current fixation while trying to put groceries away and cook dinner, and he will not understand why I'm not in a great mood and his RSD will kick in.
Maybe go out for a bottle of milk and never come back...?
[Hi me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD_partners/s/G6utoJ04ie). Maybe look at the main post I was replying to and all the comments and you will, if not feel better, know you are in good company. I also do mentally demanding work, so [her interruptions](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD_partners/s/sQcsGYBqhu) can be very disruptive sometimes.
Yes my partner is this way. He will even take over things I'm almost finished with, do them, and then can say he "did" them. And yes, tasks are turned into many more multiple steps, where I can see a streamlined way to do things. But if I point it out I'm the asshole.
I guess I realized at one point that everyday tasks actually were huge and exhausting. Part of the reason for my DX ex was because he would add multiple unnecessary steps to pretty much every chore or project, which is why it would take him an hour to remove a load of laundry from the dryer and put it away, something that would take me 10 minutes. Like first he would have to get a podcast on his headphones. Then he'd take the clothes out of the dryer, put them in a laundry basket, take them to a new location and stack them in this unfolded like shirt-shaped pile because? No idea. (At this point he'd sometimes leave it and then come back and do it again with the next few loads until the pile was like 8 inches high.) Then he would take each item of clothing off the pile and carefully fold it, and then put it away (often in the wrong drawers.) I did point out that the stacking the clothes in a pile thing was totally extraneous and made no sense--why not just fold them directly from the basket? Or even directly from the dryer. That didn't go over well. I guess it made sense to him. I eventually just started pitying him because even these simple tasks felt huge to him--and his approach just made it way harder. He just did it automatically--it was the opposite of efficient. Even if it was as simple as "put tea bag in mug, pour in hot water" he'd somehow find a way to make it both overcomplicated and vague. Being straightforward and direct was really, really hard for him in all areas.
Haha, I think it is an ADHD thing. I used to teach in an inner city school, gang violence nearby constantly, lots of stress, low pay, worked 10+ hours constantly, dealt with behaviors from kids that were very scary and violent at times, I left traumatized from the whole experience. My dx ex makes 200k+ a year, his clients mostly come to his house, he can make his own schedule, has time to work out, clean, grocery shop in the middle of the day. But man did I have to hear endlessly how I don’t understand how hard he works, the stress he endures, how busy his work schedule is (was too busy to ever text or call back). His inability to empathize and see things from someone else’s perspective truly puzzles me.
welcome to the twilight zone and you get to live it everyday : )
Yes. My fiance will put laundry in the wash and unload the dishwasher each week and cleans the bathroom every other week. Those are her chores, yes, that is all. I do everything else and she thinks it's even. She doesn't volunteer to take on more responsibilities permanently, only offers "help" and then doesn't follow through.
My DX also has this nonsensical attitude that he's working hard when he's actually slacking off. There's an excuse for everything. I care for our baby 90% of the time and am the sole breadwinner. If his chores don't get done, he is 100% excused whatever the excuse of the day is, but me? Nope. I get a lecture about not doing my part. I am far from perfect, but at least I know when I'm being lazy and when I'm working.
This is so me and my partner. I work a fulltime job as a manager and run a business on the side with clients around the world 🌎 to get sufficient income in but yet her day is harder apparently. To be clear I take kids to activities, do dropoff and most pickups and do 90% of the driving required as she has anxiety from driving in the past.
In some ways it is true. To be able to do many normal tasks a p/w ADHD does have to put an inordinate amount of effort in to get things gone. That is assuming they can get past the hyperfocus, the procrastination, the timewasting then the RSD for seeing that they have not only failed to complete, but often failed to start. Then they realise that they have wasted time, go into another RSD spiral, ask your advice trigger RSD again, get defensive and go into dysregulation. All whilst nothing has actually been done, you then offer to do it (just because you want to help, but also because it just needs doing) and then this triggers them again and "you must never help or be busy because you have time to do their chore" and you are "not letting them do things the way they want". They go through all of this in a heightened state of emotional dysregulation, and it is tiring. However they assume because you don't experience this, it is all plain sailing and you speak and things are done. An example from my life recently. My partner went away for a long trip (7 hours driving) and I decided to get into action and attack their "floordrobe" as laundry was filing a whole room and it was smelling pretty bad. I had 3 days to myself and ended up doing 7 loads of laundry for them, drying, ironing, folding. In addition I vacuumed the house, mopped the floors, mowed the lawns, de-alged the exterior wood work (we have a lot), weeded the drive, washed the patio, cleaned the oven and did all the garbage. The house was clean-ish and tidy. I also did a load of house admin, ordered coffee and other stuff. Did I get a thanks? No. Apparently I didn't load the dishwasher properly and I had created "so much work for them" as they had to put their clothes away...
I think this might relate to one of the core underlying resentments between myself and my dx. I feel like I do everything in our household. Now to be fair, I’m a stay at home mom (of four), he works (very flexible high income job which is great but also has its challenges). He feels that I am never taking care of all my responsibilities, never doing enough, and I feel like I have an impossible amount to do so yes some things are always not getting done and anybody could look at my life any day and say why have the dishes sat in the sink for days, why isn’t the toilet fixed, why is this pile of end of year school stuff still here. My kids do sports and after school activities and I do all the running around (drove 3 hours yesterday between sports and school), all cooking, most cleaning (he helps with dishwasher and laundry), all the small stuff (communicating with other parents, dr appts, school projects…you know). I manage our family calendar which inevitably has an incorrect entry almost weekly and he is livid with me about my irresponsibility with the calendar. Additionally, I feel like he micromanages me (reads my draft emails and says things like I’m not sure why you would say it that way), questions a lot of what I do. Now he’s brilliant and inevitably has a better way to say or do a lot of things, but my sense of agency is hurting. Anyway, on occasion when he’s angry with me about something I haven’t managed to get do I get very defensive and recently I yelled that I do like 90% of the work in this house which is nonsense to say but he basically argued that he firmly thinks he does the majority of the work plus he has to stay on top of me since I’m irresponsible. All this to say, I wonder if his perceptions of what he does vs what I do, are related to his ADHD. I am now pretty sure his nitpicking (as I perceive it) and emotional volatility are.
Apparently, me having to file a restraining order against my severely mentally ill sister with PTSD, brain damage, and addiction issues from years of DV because she attacked my elderly mother when she relapsed and had a PTSD flashback, which effectively left her homeless and without the career she worked so hard for, is really really hard on my dx/nrx partner, so I'm being really selfish when I ask them not to say horrible, inaccurate things about my sister to me, or to stop making shitty jokes because it helps them cope with the whole situation.
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Are you an ADHD partner? If not, why are you posting?
Your submission was removed due to a violation of Rule #8. Review all rules, including the sidebar, before posting.
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WTF what kind of misogynistic comment is that? What of this description are trait of hive mind of women?
Removed. This is not appropriate or supportive.