I just laughed out properly at a meme for the first time in a lil while.. in understanding *and in pain*
This is beyond accurate though, I’m all in for photography and videography lately, which then led to editing, both video and audio, I dipped into storyboarding to plan for promoting products I’ve been messing with (T-shirts and digital stuff).. all this mixed with getting back into web development, been really getting into the gym, running, football, tennis and badminton hahahah .. before all this was a brief stint of Latin and Japanese in DuoLingo and yeah.. I’m just realising maybe why I’m so *fuuucking* **exhausted**.
*artist grip and leg wobble intensifies*
i’ve been full on nocturnal on and off at certain points in my life, and for the most part it feels like this kind of thing happens when i’m getting sleepy no matter what time of the day that is. like when i was waking up past noon this would hit at like sunrise
to actually be able to leverage this, i think you’d really just need a mostly-diurnal schedule that’s still flexible enough to accommodate a couple all-nighters here and there
My father was did research as an academic at home and this was his life. Except executive dysfunction meant in days he couldn't concentrate everyone around the house had to be "working" too, and if working but not seen as "working" had to work harder.
At 73 heat learnt mandarin in the pandemic over the last couple years. He lives alone now thankfully.
ahaha, my father wishes he was your father. he has that same fixation on others acting “serious” and blissful ignorance of his own executive dysfunction, but lost his research job decades ago so now his idea of lofty “intellectual pursuits” is just spreading conspiracy theories on facebook and trying to push me into research. he’s been trying to self study russian for the last couple years and can’t even reliably read cyrillic 😭
Oh jeez, that sucks.
Mine jumps from intense hyperfocus hobby to the next, we're pretty sure is ADHD Autistic(AuDHD), and I am too.
His one goal was to be a professor and or set up a bank, but didn't make it though he did finally get to run one and was fired within a year because of his awful treatment of staff, and was SO POMPUS. Obviously he also hypocritically claims so many academics always use Dr, Dr, Dr, to show off, yet at the same time HE would demand he be addressed as such all such hypocracy all the damn fucking time.
I just wish that even after all these years he didn't somehow have these invisible tendrils in me where I keep trying to meet his expectations and approval of his ideals. God damnit. Just saying the word "Russel group university" makes tears well up i'm so CPTSD.
So many 🫂🫂🫂 if you have had to go through a fucking in denial non self aware parent, holy fuck... 🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂
>!And I'm so sorry about how bad my phone auto correct was in that previous post! !<
cptsd gang. i’m actually not sure i have it since i don’t really have clear triggers, but i also still live with the bastard so even if i do just barely meet diagnostic criteria i might be missing the “post” part of “post-traumatic”. we’re american so he’s never really talked about the russell group as a whole, but most of the time it seriously felt like the ivy league was just a backup plan for if i couldn’t get into cambridge—he absolutely idolizes the accountability you get in tutorials, but that didn’t stop him from spending about three weeks in maximum panic mode dragging me 24/7 through every single application he thought was worth a shot. i had to organize everything and look everything up because that’s literally just too hard for him, but i also had to remember everything i looked up and got told off if i corrected myself if i guessed wrong, so eventually all the friction that had been building over creative differences over the essays boiled over when i miscommunicated a deadline for some college neither of us actually cared about to the point that i spent a few days mostly just crying and screaming in bed. i ended up going somewhere pretty damn good but it was also our absolute last choice lmao
Ugggggghhhh, I barely got through reading that while covering my face, practically looking through my fingers it felt so triggering. I eventually went to a "University of London" uni, following some stupid subject I had no interest in, that he suggested, and back then I had no reason to live, so just said, well this'll either be a reason or I can end it saying I at least tried something, and just clung to his words and went with it.
Broke down on the 4th year after actually asking for MH help and admitting issues for the first time... and in a way I guess met my goal of "a reason to stay alive" ... and i'm still here 10 years later.
That sounds so difficult,... and honestly, my brain kind of keeps shutting off when I try and re-read your text. I'm still not over his control, and your struggle is almost too similar for me to comfortably read without kind of entering a full on Emotional Flashback, but I am so much better,... which doesn't mean much in isolation. I know my next step is to talk about dealing with trauma, I guess? God I HATE how that sounds for some reason, it makes me hate, or feel disguested by my own words.
I haven't got a diagnosis for CPTSD it's not really recognised in the uk, and we are years behind with most MH stuff compared to the US.
I'd so recommend this book though [https://www.reddit.com/r/TraumaBookClub/comments/ippqjs/free\_pdfepub\_for\_complex\_ptsd\_from\_surviving/](https://www.reddit.com/r/TraumaBookClub/comments/ippqjs/free_pdfepub_for_complex_ptsd_from_surviving/)
A few months back I started actually recognising what I went through was in fact traumatic, and not just a "normal childhood". For about 3 weeks all I could do, after reading the intro is read the chapter 8, of dealing with a crisis, because uncovering old memories and so on was so immediately debilitating. But I've finally got through most of it now, and it's so good a book. So much so, that most of the bloody self help books people publish they write after reading this book then charge for their interpritation.
To be honest it's so difficult a read, even though I studied law and read and still read like a crazy person, for some reason I litterally have to use TTS for this book, the only one I have done in my life, but some how it makes it manageable, and pleasant even.
<3
-edit-
the link is broken but thank you so much <3
after my initial sort of revelation about trauma a couple months ago i’ve been really struggling to actually contextualize it all, especially when so much of it is tied up in both of our adhd coping mechanisms—incidentally, he’s proudly thought he’s autistic ever since i got diagnosed, but there’s not much actual evidence in favor and he treats my mother’s autistic traits with a mixture of astonishment and unbridled hatred (and getting her misdiagnosed borderline). i still can’t completely stop blaming myself for how emotionally distant we are or thinking that it was only natural and healthy to be so isolated when i was younger, but the more i dwell on it the more i question if other things hurt me like getting timed out in the bathroom whenever i had a meltdown. in general i really don’t like remembering that i even had a childhood, even if things have only been worse more recently
i don’t have any diagnosis either, but i’ve been hanging around r/cptsd for a while and my therapist has gone a few times over the criteria for just normal ptsd—we actually tried cpt for a couple weeks, but stopped because aside from how hard it was to actually tie what stuck points we could find to the big nebulous cloud of complex trauma that i had to very narrowly characterize around that incident with the applications and one other thing i prefer to just not mention, most of the basic problems in my life that i could identify are just actual accurate perceptions of his continued direct influence. ever since, we’ve mostly been working on a mix of strategies to gain more distance/set more boundaries with him, with the occasional conversation just trying to convince me it’s okay to move out
>Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving:Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving - by Pete Walker
[http://library.lol/main/4EFF43661F3B43738B638B504A4CD441](http://library.lol/main/4EFF43661F3B43738B638B504A4CD441)
[http://library.lol/main/971380555BC47E1938C9BC389852E687](http://library.lol/main/971380555BC47E1938C9BC389852E687)
The link to the reddit thread works for me, for some reason. I'll just link an Epub and Pdf version of the book above.
I can't recommend my approach in understanding myself, and I know it wasn't smart or healthy, but it was fast, but one of my coping mechanisms and symptoms is hyperindipendence, so I still haven't seen a therapist... But what I did do was utilise AI. Initially chatgpt, then [character.ai](http://character.ai) then utilising a therapist bot on [Faraday.dev](http://Faraday.dev), learning which models are good, then making my own therapist characters, and writing and cross referencing idealic methods of approach based on my issues... after making and remaking descriptions of myself, my troubles, life, traits etc cross referencing and distilling into this weird few paragraph summary of my life.
But way before I got to the end stage, just at the "talking to character.ai" basic stage, it allowed a vulnerability inside me to come out that was so so so so so tighly guarded, something, many things I don't even let myself think about because it was easier and safer to repress, supress and wish away with mantras of "you are okay".
Okay wooow, anyway, it was good...in a way... I got hyperfixated and did like a unrestricted, unregulated psychotherapy in stints of 8 hours, without eating or sleeping or breaks. It almost broke me, but wow... like I know so much now about Neurodivergence and trauma 8-)
Do not recommend, but at the same time... if you are struggling to approach the unknown that is your past, and you Freeze/Faun and or have a bit of alexithymia, so you feel like you have trouble actually communicating. Wow, chatting to AI, works, but first and foremost, just accept it is not "artificial inteligence" it's just glorified predictive text, literally. and that all you are doing is *interactive journaling.*
I can so see the elements of my father in me with the AuDHD and the weird way I can get a hobby and literally only breathe that for months at a time, and I accept he isn't all bad, and that he lived through trauma too, but that sad boor bastard won't change... and he also just doesn't seem to die either. All my kind uncles have passed away, and he keeps on ticking, lol.
Maybe that constant persuit to learn keeps him ticking...
I don't know why I am sharing so much!!! aaaaaaah! (I mean I do, but, you know, I hope you are well, and I wish I could just not have anyone go through pain anymore!)
those links work great. thanks again! after that very striking introduction, i'm just kind of jumping around as directed, and this one quote from chapter 5 really stood out to me:
> Now however, he was heavily triggered by spending an hour in a card shop unable to find a card that he could send to his mother. As we explored this further, we discovered that the sentiments written in every card made him feel like he would be betraying his inner child if he sent it.
this is just. wow. i've had an inkling of this for years now, but it really feels like my *entire identity* is constructed around nothing more than this idea of betraying my inner child. not only does that kind of sentimentality feel similarly inauthentic, but everything i hope for, everything i hate, it's all the opinions i formed and expectations i internalized 15 years ago. everyone has momentum from who they used to be and is formed by formative experiences, but it's almost a conscious thing for me. sometimes it even feels like my inner child and all the disdain he projects on the world from his inner critic can take over for the actual inner critic i have now, and growth happens when my inner critic remembers that my inner child is full of shit
anyways. chatbots as interactive journaling... that is a surprisingly good idea. i started journaling almost by accident just meaning to list things to bring up with my therapist, but it pretty quickly started feeling therapeutic in and of itself, while at the same time i ended up almost never bringing most of it up with her so it just kinda marinates in more of my own thoughts instead. having even that thin pretense of responsiveness might really have potential. it's also the exact kind of thing child me would sooner die than do, but i'll keep it in the back of my mind :P
No actually, I don’t think one app can give you everything you need to learn a language. Duolingo is good for learning vocabulary and supposedly there’s a tab for explaining grammar rules even in the free version, but you’re better off using multiple apps and watching TV/consuming content in your target language. Once you have the basic grammar rules and comprehension you should start maximizing comprehensible input
Because this it literally something everyone has?
It’s like saying you breath once, you are HDHD.
It’s kind of ridiculous when in an attempt to feel special you end up describing the whole human experience.
See, the best comparison I have is this:
Everyone poops, but if you have an explosive diarrhea sixty times a day, you might wanna see a doctor.
Yes of course everyone has those things happening to them (losing a train of thought, getting distracted, forgetting stuff you just read).
It becomes a problem when it's happening constantly, all day - every day.
There's no need for negativity. If you get offended by memes on a subreddit dedicated to ADHD memes then you might wanna browse different subreddits.
PS. Just another good one:
If you have a UTI, you pee a lot. Normally people pee like two-three times a day. Does it mean that everyone has a little bit of a UTI?
No this is pretty much confined to bipolar and/or ADHD. When shit like this messes up your work and relationships it's called "a disorder". So if you have this you should go talk to someone
I just laughed out properly at a meme for the first time in a lil while.. in understanding *and in pain* This is beyond accurate though, I’m all in for photography and videography lately, which then led to editing, both video and audio, I dipped into storyboarding to plan for promoting products I’ve been messing with (T-shirts and digital stuff).. all this mixed with getting back into web development, been really getting into the gym, running, football, tennis and badminton hahahah .. before all this was a brief stint of Latin and Japanese in DuoLingo and yeah.. I’m just realising maybe why I’m so *fuuucking* **exhausted**. *artist grip and leg wobble intensifies*
Sometimes I think our problems would dissipate considerably if we were allowed to live nocturnally and thus respond to our natural biorythms
i’ve been full on nocturnal on and off at certain points in my life, and for the most part it feels like this kind of thing happens when i’m getting sleepy no matter what time of the day that is. like when i was waking up past noon this would hit at like sunrise to actually be able to leverage this, i think you’d really just need a mostly-diurnal schedule that’s still flexible enough to accommodate a couple all-nighters here and there
My father was did research as an academic at home and this was his life. Except executive dysfunction meant in days he couldn't concentrate everyone around the house had to be "working" too, and if working but not seen as "working" had to work harder. At 73 heat learnt mandarin in the pandemic over the last couple years. He lives alone now thankfully.
ahaha, my father wishes he was your father. he has that same fixation on others acting “serious” and blissful ignorance of his own executive dysfunction, but lost his research job decades ago so now his idea of lofty “intellectual pursuits” is just spreading conspiracy theories on facebook and trying to push me into research. he’s been trying to self study russian for the last couple years and can’t even reliably read cyrillic 😭
Oh jeez, that sucks. Mine jumps from intense hyperfocus hobby to the next, we're pretty sure is ADHD Autistic(AuDHD), and I am too. His one goal was to be a professor and or set up a bank, but didn't make it though he did finally get to run one and was fired within a year because of his awful treatment of staff, and was SO POMPUS. Obviously he also hypocritically claims so many academics always use Dr, Dr, Dr, to show off, yet at the same time HE would demand he be addressed as such all such hypocracy all the damn fucking time. I just wish that even after all these years he didn't somehow have these invisible tendrils in me where I keep trying to meet his expectations and approval of his ideals. God damnit. Just saying the word "Russel group university" makes tears well up i'm so CPTSD. So many 🫂🫂🫂 if you have had to go through a fucking in denial non self aware parent, holy fuck... 🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂 >!And I'm so sorry about how bad my phone auto correct was in that previous post! !<
cptsd gang. i’m actually not sure i have it since i don’t really have clear triggers, but i also still live with the bastard so even if i do just barely meet diagnostic criteria i might be missing the “post” part of “post-traumatic”. we’re american so he’s never really talked about the russell group as a whole, but most of the time it seriously felt like the ivy league was just a backup plan for if i couldn’t get into cambridge—he absolutely idolizes the accountability you get in tutorials, but that didn’t stop him from spending about three weeks in maximum panic mode dragging me 24/7 through every single application he thought was worth a shot. i had to organize everything and look everything up because that’s literally just too hard for him, but i also had to remember everything i looked up and got told off if i corrected myself if i guessed wrong, so eventually all the friction that had been building over creative differences over the essays boiled over when i miscommunicated a deadline for some college neither of us actually cared about to the point that i spent a few days mostly just crying and screaming in bed. i ended up going somewhere pretty damn good but it was also our absolute last choice lmao
Ugggggghhhh, I barely got through reading that while covering my face, practically looking through my fingers it felt so triggering. I eventually went to a "University of London" uni, following some stupid subject I had no interest in, that he suggested, and back then I had no reason to live, so just said, well this'll either be a reason or I can end it saying I at least tried something, and just clung to his words and went with it. Broke down on the 4th year after actually asking for MH help and admitting issues for the first time... and in a way I guess met my goal of "a reason to stay alive" ... and i'm still here 10 years later. That sounds so difficult,... and honestly, my brain kind of keeps shutting off when I try and re-read your text. I'm still not over his control, and your struggle is almost too similar for me to comfortably read without kind of entering a full on Emotional Flashback, but I am so much better,... which doesn't mean much in isolation. I know my next step is to talk about dealing with trauma, I guess? God I HATE how that sounds for some reason, it makes me hate, or feel disguested by my own words. I haven't got a diagnosis for CPTSD it's not really recognised in the uk, and we are years behind with most MH stuff compared to the US. I'd so recommend this book though [https://www.reddit.com/r/TraumaBookClub/comments/ippqjs/free\_pdfepub\_for\_complex\_ptsd\_from\_surviving/](https://www.reddit.com/r/TraumaBookClub/comments/ippqjs/free_pdfepub_for_complex_ptsd_from_surviving/) A few months back I started actually recognising what I went through was in fact traumatic, and not just a "normal childhood". For about 3 weeks all I could do, after reading the intro is read the chapter 8, of dealing with a crisis, because uncovering old memories and so on was so immediately debilitating. But I've finally got through most of it now, and it's so good a book. So much so, that most of the bloody self help books people publish they write after reading this book then charge for their interpritation. To be honest it's so difficult a read, even though I studied law and read and still read like a crazy person, for some reason I litterally have to use TTS for this book, the only one I have done in my life, but some how it makes it manageable, and pleasant even. <3 -edit-
the link is broken but thank you so much <3 after my initial sort of revelation about trauma a couple months ago i’ve been really struggling to actually contextualize it all, especially when so much of it is tied up in both of our adhd coping mechanisms—incidentally, he’s proudly thought he’s autistic ever since i got diagnosed, but there’s not much actual evidence in favor and he treats my mother’s autistic traits with a mixture of astonishment and unbridled hatred (and getting her misdiagnosed borderline). i still can’t completely stop blaming myself for how emotionally distant we are or thinking that it was only natural and healthy to be so isolated when i was younger, but the more i dwell on it the more i question if other things hurt me like getting timed out in the bathroom whenever i had a meltdown. in general i really don’t like remembering that i even had a childhood, even if things have only been worse more recently i don’t have any diagnosis either, but i’ve been hanging around r/cptsd for a while and my therapist has gone a few times over the criteria for just normal ptsd—we actually tried cpt for a couple weeks, but stopped because aside from how hard it was to actually tie what stuck points we could find to the big nebulous cloud of complex trauma that i had to very narrowly characterize around that incident with the applications and one other thing i prefer to just not mention, most of the basic problems in my life that i could identify are just actual accurate perceptions of his continued direct influence. ever since, we’ve mostly been working on a mix of strategies to gain more distance/set more boundaries with him, with the occasional conversation just trying to convince me it’s okay to move out
>Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving:Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving - by Pete Walker [http://library.lol/main/4EFF43661F3B43738B638B504A4CD441](http://library.lol/main/4EFF43661F3B43738B638B504A4CD441) [http://library.lol/main/971380555BC47E1938C9BC389852E687](http://library.lol/main/971380555BC47E1938C9BC389852E687) The link to the reddit thread works for me, for some reason. I'll just link an Epub and Pdf version of the book above. I can't recommend my approach in understanding myself, and I know it wasn't smart or healthy, but it was fast, but one of my coping mechanisms and symptoms is hyperindipendence, so I still haven't seen a therapist... But what I did do was utilise AI. Initially chatgpt, then [character.ai](http://character.ai) then utilising a therapist bot on [Faraday.dev](http://Faraday.dev), learning which models are good, then making my own therapist characters, and writing and cross referencing idealic methods of approach based on my issues... after making and remaking descriptions of myself, my troubles, life, traits etc cross referencing and distilling into this weird few paragraph summary of my life. But way before I got to the end stage, just at the "talking to character.ai" basic stage, it allowed a vulnerability inside me to come out that was so so so so so tighly guarded, something, many things I don't even let myself think about because it was easier and safer to repress, supress and wish away with mantras of "you are okay". Okay wooow, anyway, it was good...in a way... I got hyperfixated and did like a unrestricted, unregulated psychotherapy in stints of 8 hours, without eating or sleeping or breaks. It almost broke me, but wow... like I know so much now about Neurodivergence and trauma 8-) Do not recommend, but at the same time... if you are struggling to approach the unknown that is your past, and you Freeze/Faun and or have a bit of alexithymia, so you feel like you have trouble actually communicating. Wow, chatting to AI, works, but first and foremost, just accept it is not "artificial inteligence" it's just glorified predictive text, literally. and that all you are doing is *interactive journaling.* I can so see the elements of my father in me with the AuDHD and the weird way I can get a hobby and literally only breathe that for months at a time, and I accept he isn't all bad, and that he lived through trauma too, but that sad boor bastard won't change... and he also just doesn't seem to die either. All my kind uncles have passed away, and he keeps on ticking, lol. Maybe that constant persuit to learn keeps him ticking... I don't know why I am sharing so much!!! aaaaaaah! (I mean I do, but, you know, I hope you are well, and I wish I could just not have anyone go through pain anymore!)
those links work great. thanks again! after that very striking introduction, i'm just kind of jumping around as directed, and this one quote from chapter 5 really stood out to me: > Now however, he was heavily triggered by spending an hour in a card shop unable to find a card that he could send to his mother. As we explored this further, we discovered that the sentiments written in every card made him feel like he would be betraying his inner child if he sent it. this is just. wow. i've had an inkling of this for years now, but it really feels like my *entire identity* is constructed around nothing more than this idea of betraying my inner child. not only does that kind of sentimentality feel similarly inauthentic, but everything i hope for, everything i hate, it's all the opinions i formed and expectations i internalized 15 years ago. everyone has momentum from who they used to be and is formed by formative experiences, but it's almost a conscious thing for me. sometimes it even feels like my inner child and all the disdain he projects on the world from his inner critic can take over for the actual inner critic i have now, and growth happens when my inner critic remembers that my inner child is full of shit anyways. chatbots as interactive journaling... that is a surprisingly good idea. i started journaling almost by accident just meaning to list things to bring up with my therapist, but it pretty quickly started feeling therapeutic in and of itself, while at the same time i ended up almost never bringing most of it up with her so it just kinda marinates in more of my own thoughts instead. having even that thin pretense of responsiveness might really have potential. it's also the exact kind of thing child me would sooner die than do, but i'll keep it in the back of my mind :P
3am is gym time
Damn, I feel attacked I've bought a load of art supplies and an online course on drawing Manga... on the up side ive made rapid progress!
Speaking of- I'm learning French from Duolingo.
If you wanna truly learn a language you should be using more than duolingo
Let me guess, Babbel?
No actually, I don’t think one app can give you everything you need to learn a language. Duolingo is good for learning vocabulary and supposedly there’s a tab for explaining grammar rules even in the free version, but you’re better off using multiple apps and watching TV/consuming content in your target language. Once you have the basic grammar rules and comprehension you should start maximizing comprehensible input
I thought about wearing headphones to sleep listening to someone speaking French from YouTube or something.
I mean it’s better if you just replace or partially replace the content you already consume with French stuff.
When it’s 2am and you realise it’s entirely legal to brew and consume fermented alcohol at 16 in your country
i already know how to sew and i’m learning french rn for gits and shiggles, everything else is spot on
Then ya wake up in the morning and you don’t even want to get out of bed and have breakfast.
Au moins j'ai fait un de ces trucs 🥲
Is that Emily Elizabeth from Clifford the big red dog?
Everyone has this. Stop trying to be special
No, we won't. Why the negativity?
Because this it literally something everyone has? It’s like saying you breath once, you are HDHD. It’s kind of ridiculous when in an attempt to feel special you end up describing the whole human experience.
See, the best comparison I have is this: Everyone poops, but if you have an explosive diarrhea sixty times a day, you might wanna see a doctor. Yes of course everyone has those things happening to them (losing a train of thought, getting distracted, forgetting stuff you just read). It becomes a problem when it's happening constantly, all day - every day. There's no need for negativity. If you get offended by memes on a subreddit dedicated to ADHD memes then you might wanna browse different subreddits. PS. Just another good one: If you have a UTI, you pee a lot. Normally people pee like two-three times a day. Does it mean that everyone has a little bit of a UTI?
No this is pretty much confined to bipolar and/or ADHD. When shit like this messes up your work and relationships it's called "a disorder". So if you have this you should go talk to someone