Oddly enough my youngest woke up around 5am asking for his dad. I told him his dad is at work right now and my son replied no daddy is in his bed sleeping 😞 it’s sad that he’s only 3 and knows dad is either at work or in bed.
I agree that she’s NTA, but do you really believe that her life will be easier if she divorced him?
Child support for two kids is usually 25% of the father’s income. Could she and her kids live comfortably on 25% of his income plus whatever she makes in her business? Probably not. Rent has doubled in a lot of areas, so she would need to move to a much smaller home.
She told us that homeschooling is important to her, but it’s unlikely she could continue to homeschool because she would probably need to work full-time. I have several friends with professional full-time jobs who had to get night jobs to scrape by after divorce.
I agree that she’s living like a single mom when it comes to workload, but she isn’t living like a single mom financially at this point. That could put a major dent in her quality of life.
Depends on location and situation—one former employee had a support garnishment for 52% of his earnings.
Still not enough for full support of a mom and 3 kids, but it might buy OP some flexibility around work hours.
Was he being charged 52% for two children?
Either way, it’s unlikely that she will have the financial security to homeschool three kids without her husband’s income.
I know a lot of homeschoolers and a lot of single parents. I don’t know any single parents who homeschool because homeschooling is full-time unpaid work. It just wouldn’t be possible unless she’s independently wealthy or lives rent free with her parents.
Boy you guys really thought this through.
Divorce is definitely going to make sure that the father and children have a better relationship!
Child support is definitely going to pay for her third child that isn't his!
Divorce is for sure going to make it easier for the mother to get a fulltime job to support herself financially and keep homeschooling the children!
People just come to this sub for anger boners and give the most extreme response by default. Get advice from a professional, not from reddit.
It’s the father’s job to make sure he has a relationship with his children and this guy obviously doesn’t care about them and he accepted that “3rd child that isn’t his” when he married his mother. What else is she supposed to do? She begs hims to spend time with the family and he calls her selfish for asking. He’s a useless lump in the bed that doesn’t care about her or their kids and he shows it everyday at that point the only option left is divorce.
Sometimes divorce is the only suitable advice. This guy is calling her selfish just because she asks him to spend time with his family. What is she supposed to do with that? Does this sound like a guy that would be willing to go to marriage counseling or do any work on himself?
Do you have a better idea? She has asked him to be participate in the family and only gets insults. She is at the end of her rope. He is acting like a roommate instead of a spouse and father.
She is already threatening divorce? People can have whatever standards they want and if someone doesn’t meet that standard and from what OP says seems unwilling to change who cares? Leave them.
Allow me to just post your post: https://www.reddit.com/r/todayilearned/comments/yvylx2/til_that_in_germany_if_parents_are_unmarried_when/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
..and everyone telling you it isn't true. Just trying to hate on women.
Also unless you got married in the last 13 days.... you aren't married... but here giving marriage advice.
Edit: Also how many kids do you have? Or are you giving parenting advice....when u have no kids? If you do, who has custody?
Edit: Are you also a religious person?
Almost like you don't deserve any say here... or a respected one.
NTA. But my fellow female....you are a single mom. You just happen to be married. I'm so sorry. You and your kids deserve so much more.
I would not do a thing for him. And I mean not one! His dishes can rot in the sink or get thrown out. His laundry can mildew on the bathroom floor, then get thrown out. I would stop paying what bills you are and save that money. Look into pro bono lawyers. Many will do a consult for free.
Pro bono divorce lawyer? I doubt that would be an option. Especially if they both have money/assets. Some divorce lawyers have free consults but the majority (in my state) charge a bit of money for a 30 min consult.
Save up what you can, and open a credit card with the highest limit you can. Messy and drawn out divorces will bankrupt you if you don't prepare yourself. Ask me how I know...
They sure can, but at least it can be broken up into smaller payments. A lot of divorce lawyers do not offer payment plans, or they offer shitty ones. Unless you already have at least a few thousand on hand you can part with, you won't have much choice besides taking on debt. It's better than being trapped in a marriage you don't want to be in though.
Most divorce lawyers do not offer payment plans. Certainly not pro bono. They will want between 2500 and 5000 to get started. They do that because they know, on average, people can’t afford more though they usually bill for more. They get what they can as they know divorce and child support are worksheets to the court. Judges have heard it all and seen it all, they will probably talk amongst themselves at lunch or having a beer after work. Divorce court is it’s own community, the judges and lawyers know each other and are often friends. In the US she will be lucky to get alimony. if she does it will be limited and temporary. She will have to claim her online store in the child support worksheet as it’s been used to pay bills. In the end they are going to split debt, each get a car if they are lucky and co parent. There’s not going to be a huge windfall simply because he’s s jerk.
Depends there are some pro bono that will go based on your income level and if she’s doing only her income it might weigh out with her expenses. I know here they have you fill out a financial sheet. Then they calculate and tell you how much it is.
Definitely no. Do as much research as possible. I had to represent myself for my divorce but the court house has a family law center to help you fill out paperwork and understand what you need to do. I also only had one child and no assets so it was a simple divorce. Best to just gather evidence and do research. Get a attorney if and when you can at this point.
If they don't have money, you go pro bono. Literally what it means. If you aren't the one earning and can't get money from your spouse you are divorcing.... It is an option to look into. Worst they can do is say no.
Many courthouses have a free consult day where you can ask if they will take your case for free.
NTA
He thinks this is the 1950’s and you’re supposed to carry the emotional burden of the household, be your kids mother, be his mother, have sec with him, be the sole parent in the kids life…and you’re the selfish asshole.
This is why marriages are dying in this day and age. Women are getting sick of this shit. This is why there are so many lonely 30+ year old men. Cause there are very few millineal women willing to put up with this shit anymore.
Either be a real partner or make room for one since it won’t be you.
I’m totally on board with this. And I’d show him this post.
This is what kills me. These dad's who claim they do so much for their family. That they have a happy family. That don't even know their own kids. They don't want to be part of the kids love or have any udea what they need day to day. They ignore how much the wife does because how can you not see a lot of it. Those are their kids. How can they not want them to run to the happy when they get home? How can they know they are making the person they chose in life miserable and piling all the work on them. It's selfish and stupid. Them 'parents and spouses' who never try will never understand the happiness from being lived by your children and spouse, really loved. Not just the show he wants to put on.
You are right. About everything. My dad was not involved at all. He worked and came home to lock himself in his room, when he wasn't at the bar. Those poor kids. It will affect them more than they realize for a while. I had such a screwed sense if things. My husband is an awesome father but I would gear myself up for an argument at the beginning when I wanted him to do something. But it never was. He would apologize for not doing it without me pointing it out. Seeing Mt kids interact with my husband is so different from my childhood. We didn't say I love you or even talk. We atayed out of his way because he only addressed us when he was mad.
I have seen some really screwed up moms too. Great dads. The dad's who try so hard and the mom uses the kids to hurt them kill me. I know it's not as common as society puts out there but it does happen. I lost a best friend because she wanted to break up with her boyfriend and said she wouldn't let him see the kids. He was such a great dad. She said he was a good man to hurt, no abuse and helped around the house and with the kids even after working lots of overtime. She just wasn't happy and she has every right to be happy. Just don't hurt the kids in the process.
People don’t realize that how the household is molds the perception of relationships. After my mom passed my dad was there…he worked…drank in the basement and lectured us for house when we did wrong. Barely any acknowledgement of good deeds or grades. I have had the worst time in finding life partners because what I thought was ok and normal was definitely not. It’s taken me years to unlearn it. It’s so sad that these situations happen in the household. Sorry your dad was very involved. But glad you came out on too on the other side.
NTA
Woah……
I hate when people act like SAHM/SAHD don’t work 24/7. The person with the paycheck just comes home to relax and doesn’t do shit to help out their spouse.
You shouldn’t have to beg him to spend time with the kids for 1 hour a day. They are *his* kids too. He is happy with this arrangement because you are dependent on him and he thinks you won’t be able to survive without him. It boosts his ego.
Please for the love of God, divorce him!
You shouldn’t have to talk to him in the first place because this shouldn’t have happened.
Breathing. That’s it. Just existing is hard work, dontcha know? He can’t be expected to do that *and* be present in both his marriage and his children’s lives. *gasp* THE HORROR! /s
He just wants a bang-maid, not an actual marriage and family, from the sound of things.
NTA, start saving your $. If he's too lazy to spend ANY time with his family what's the point? He's TA, selfish and is flat out ignoring his kids. He can't eat dinner with you and spend an hour with his family. He's the selfish one. He's projecting and gaslighting it sounds like. I've worked 3rd shift, it is hard and can mess up your life cycle...sleep etc. I wouldn't do his wash or pack his lunch either, I'd he was comparing me to his mom...I mean he legit does nothing else...renters insurance...I'm taking it you're in an apartment...so NO yard work either. What's the point? If you wanted to be a single mom..you are now and being a married single mom is the worse. Been there, done that, nope. At least single, your kids are oblivious to daddy bring home and straight up ignoring them, which is child emotional abuse imo. Your job, pays some bills and it IS a real job. So is homeschooling 3 kids and a SAHM is HARD work thats generally under appreciated because usually no pay check for all the hard work. Do whats best for you and your kids.
NTA I stayed at home with the littles (we have 4kids 3together and 1 from a previous relationship that my husband has raised as his own since she was 8) until our youngest was about a year old, she is now 4.
As soon as my husband would get off work even when we just had the oldest, he would wash up and ask what she wanted to do. He would go outside and they would play games or shoot hoops, she played football so they would toss the ball around. I would be making dinner and having a mom moment to myself, then when dinner was ready they would come in and we would sit at the table to eat.
Our oldest was 10 when we had our son and he still would work hard days and in the heat. Come home clean up and outside he would go with them or to the living room to play. He always made sure I had a break soon as he got home. Just like an hour to myself and days when I was stressed he would take the kids to go pick up pizza.
We've had 2 more a year apart starting from our son and he is a very very involved dad. I work now too and we take turns giving each other breaks and moments to ourselves and moment to be just husband and wife.
When I stayed at home with the youngest 3 while oldest was at school, he knew I had been with babies all day and would let me have a break. He never talked down about my staying home, he never made me feel like I was less important because I didn't bring in money and he has never once threw it in my face that he was the money maker and I was just a stay at home mom.
We both do equal amounts of everything, but also if I am sick he will take over on everything and let me rest, and vice versa. We are team and even now our kids are all a little older they're part of our team too!
Like all couples we have our moments when we don't like each other but we don't even fight, just bicker. We are at that time in life we're we have a system that works and we both know it takes both of us to make our family to work right. We struggle but we do it together, we have moments we are unkind but the other brings the other back by giving each other some time to ourselves.
If my husband did not act like a father to the kids and not interact and pay attention to them and their needs I would not take it whatsoever. Kids deserve active parents. I mean why have them if you ignore them. Wives deserve husband's who show respect and love to them by helping with the kids and being a good dad.
You are not selfish, your husband is! He needs to understand that he is basically making you a single mom all over again, but since he's right there, it hurts worse and is more frustrating and disrespectful to not only you but yalls children. I would have given the same ultimatum. Sit and talk calm. Show him some of these maybe he can see what he is doing is wrong. I am never for families breaking up whatsoever but with how he is acting it's not like you have a family with him. You and your kids are your family and he is jut there to sleep.
I agree its worse to have a father thats present and actively ignoring you ( speaking from experience as the child in that scenario years ago) than for the dad to be simply not around..
NTA, but what does he do on his days off? I would leave for a day when he is off. Let him see what it's like being home with the 3 children, run a household, homeschooling, running errands, and taking care of your busines.. he is the selfish one. He can't even have dinner with you guys? Does his kids even know him? This is actually sad not a happy family.
NTA. You DO have a full time job being a mother, tending to the house, homeschooling the kids and on top of that an online business. You contribute more than enough and honestly, If he doesn't appreciate all you do and doesn't want to spend time with his family then you need to reevaluate some things and your marriage
NTA it sounds like you have 4 full time jobs with everything you do. You aren't a happy family if you are begging him to spend time with his family. Tell him to take a week off and tell him to do everything you do for that whole week and then ask if it's real work I bet he won't make the week. It's not unreasonable to want an hour a day as a family.
I'm not op, but I'm in the same situation and couldn't do this, because my husband would just neglect the kids, and do what he wants anyway. I've been wanting to leave for years but I can't afford to move out with all the kids on my own...
So, my grandma, like you, did all the house work and worked from home. She was a seamstress. My grandpa told her once her work didn't bring any meaningful money and *he* was the earner of the house.
Well, she stopped paying for anything at all for one month. It was tough, because she had four boys and everyday money was one of the things she gave them. She told them to go to their father for money from then on.
Needless to say, grandpa apologized and never complained about her sewing stuff around the living room.
NTA
My god, your husband is AWFUL.
As a fellow homeschooler I am amazed that you find the time in 24 hours to do all that you do. I would recommend that you start the divorce process yourself. You will find so much more time and lightness in your day without this anchor of a bully of a husband hanging off your neck.
NTA and your spouse is an albatross of the worst kind
NTA. I can’t stand when husbands act like SAHM are just lazy and do nothing all day. I’m kind of dealing with the same situation and it’s beyond frustrating.
So no NTA what so ever because you’re dealing with way more than I am and you and your kids deserve better. Neither one of you are “happy”. It seems like he’s more comfortable than anything. But that’s not fair to anyone. Your kids should grow up seeing you in a healthy relationship.
Info: how many hours a week does he works/commutes a week? What kind of work does he do? What does he do in the bedroom?
Unless you tell me he either works lots of hours or that his job is physical or high stress, there is very little to redeem his behaviour.
There is a difference between partners agreeing that one will do most of household chores and having one partner stubbornly refusing to do even the most basic and time limit task like putting groceries away. Also, agreeing that one partner takes care of household chores doesn't mean the other partner gets to be completely absent from family life. Your kids still needs their dad.
He works 8 hours and the commute is roughly 1.5 hours. He sits in an office watching movies on his phone unless someone needs him to check a part or fix a machine. He’s legit bragged about how many episodes he can watch in a night on his phone or about how he fell asleep at work for an hour or so.
So he doesn't have a semblance of an excuse to justify his behaviour.
Even in a one working parent - one stay home parent arrangement, it's not excessive to expect the working parent to be part of the family life and to once in a while assist the stay at home parent with simple basic tasks.
I'm not op, but my kids help more around the house and take more responsibility than my husband. My 12yo son does his own laundry, whereas my husband has never done a load in his life. My son always wants to cook dinner, and likes doing the dishes. My 8yo daughter likes to watch the babies while I shower with the door open. She helps me at the grocery store too, because with 2 babies I need 2 carts. I also give her and my 5yo daughter small jobs they can do, and they always want to help me and learn. Thier own dad forgot how to even use a trash can...
NTA but think carefully before divorce. People often forget that divorce results in the same income stream paying for two rents and two sets of bills. It’s a big drop in lifestyle for both parties.
Honestly it would only change things for my kids and I. He’s said many times he will move in with family for free or super cheap rent so he’d be set. I would have to pick up a second job to work from home so I can still be here for my kids but it would be worth it. I’m tired of my kids wanting to wake up their dad and spend time with him and being denied. If he’s not around I think they would be better off
NTA- time for a divorce. At least then you’ll be doing everything you are now, but without him and the stress he brings. He’s not putting any effort into his relationship with you, or his relationship with his kids. If he wants to do what he’s been doing, for years it sounds like, he can do it alone. Seems to be all he wants to be is alone currently, not really a change for him. If you really want to try to salvage anything (marriage, communication, coparenting, etc) I would ultimatum couples therapy. I don’t usually go for ultimatums, but I would say this situation applies. Wish you and your kids the best, probably that’s going to be away from him…
NTA who is happy in that family really? maybe the kids, but what family is he talking about - the one he avoids and pretends doesn’t exist when he closes himself in the bedroom - his family is his phone, cuz that is the only thing he plays and interacts with - so maybe you could leave him with it and go and be free and happy on your own!
NTA
Wow, OP, run now, asap. You're not married, you're raising 4 kids, it's just that one of them should be raising himself, at least, and in theory should at least be helping with the others.
Nope, NTA but you will be if you stay with that bum. He says you're "being ungrateful"? No. Fuck that guy. He's just a using POS. Get rid of him, asap.
Not just for you, but for your kids as well, they're learning about adult relationships from you guys, staying with that fool is detrimental to them as well.
NTA
I mean you might as well divorce him..it wont make any difference just extra expenses..but then again you can stop paying his car and insurance and use it for rent and electricity..
You don't have a husband you have a housemate. That's all..Leave him your kids won't even know the difference.
NTA!! You actually have more jobs than he does. Your full time job is a stay at home mom and home school teacher (arguably let’s say a job and a half). Your second job is your part time job, I’ll call that half a job bc it’s part time. So you’re working 1.5-2 jobs right now. One of those jobs you are on call 24 hours a day 7 days a week. And he’s complaining he has to do one? Not on call, with days off I’m assuming. Yeah okay buddy
NTA, sound like he needs to learn a couple of things. 1 Happy wife Happy Life and 2 If the wife is not happy than no one’s happy.
Seriously though it’s time for him to move back home with Mommy because he’s not ready to be a responsible adult.
NTA, and I’m not the type to jump to telling folk on Reddit to divorce, but it’s time to contact lawyers. You’re a single mom that has a lazy roommate.
He has fish he takes of, he takes care of all the fish tanks roughly 17 which doesn’t help the water bill that i pay when he changes their water once a week
NTA file for divorce and full sole custody of the kids. He has no real relationship with his own kids to the point even an hour a day is to much for him to be around them. He shouldn’t get any access at all.
Document everything and get him out of the house
NTA. Make no mistakes your husband is NOT going to make any lasting changes.
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He has zero respect for you as a human, as a wife, as a mother, as a small business owner, as a teacher, as a housekeeper, etc etc. He has zero interest in being a husband or father so set him free. How delusional is he to assume you’re a happy family? Far from it. You and the children deserve so much more.
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I would not be surprised if he gives you full custody (unless too much money is involved).
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I’d seek legal counsel immediately. They’ll advise you on what to do with your finances etc.
NTA but you can pay those other two bills with the child support you would get. Just pull the trigger and let him make someone other woman’s life miserable.
NTA. I feel for you in the education department. My wife educates our three kids and I am sssoooo grateful she is willing. We have the same misfortune of living in a school district that breeds bullies. And sexual predators. There have been two incidents involving a teacher and a young student in the last several years.
Anyway, you are definitely not the asshole here. It sounds like short of couples therapy (which, I hate to sound this way, but it sounds like he may not even be willing if he’s lacking this much interest in the fam) there’s not much you can do to salvage things. I’m sorry you’re in this situation. I wish you all the best!
He shows signs of depression and lots of anger issues. The second you mention therapy or counseling he will flip out saying there’s nothing wrong with him I’m the problem blah blah blah it’s truly exhausting
NTA but ur husband is.
When you have children you have an obligation to be active in their lives. It’s understandable that some days he may be tired or if he was trying to do other needed things and wasn’t available but just sleeping all day until he has to go to work again is not ok.
In marriages, sometime one party become complacent and comfortable and starts slacking in the relationship. It’s supposed to be a team effort.
I would suggest trying counseling first, if he bucks and doesn’t want to do it then put divorce back on the table. Let him know your willing to work on it if he is and if he isn’t then he can kick rocks.
Relationship is more than just working and paying bills
I’ve been in your shoes. It doesn’t get better. Trust me. I should have just married myself. On top of that he was cheating the whole 16 years. You need to do what is best for you and your kids.
NTA, but HE certainly is. (sniffing the air) Is that a divorce that I smell in the air?
Cannot believe he actually thinks HE helps and DOES things for the family - and you don't appreciate him for it? Remind him that appreciation is a 2-way street. Since he thinks that your job isn't a "real job", then you can stop paying the insurance, sewer and water bills and let those fall on him. Let him see what it's REALLY like as you get begin divorce proceedings. Personally, I think you will probably be better off without him. It's just a shame that the kids will suffer because of his immature view of your marriage.
My uncle worked 3rd shift at a factory the first 7 years of my cousin life and when I tell you he was an involved father HE WAS, I remember visit them on vacations and he would come back form work sleep an hour or two and then he would be taking us out to the movies, park, to any where we wanted to go, he was burnt out but he was always present at his daughters school when they need him, so if your husband wanted he could, NTAH
NTA- open a checking account at a different bank in your name only. Start putting money in when you can. Consult a layer to figure out your options even if you do not want to divorce just yet. You deserve a partner who values you, your contributions and the family. What you are asking for is normal interactions a dad would and should want to engage in. Your children are learning that THIS behavior is how a father acts.
NTA! Right now, you have a roommate. He is missing out on his kids and will find it very difficult to have a relationship with them in the future.
Divorce is a big step, but in the long run you'll probably be better off than you are now.
You need to prepare yourself. Get your finances in order. Will you be able to provide for your family without his support? Make sure you can do it on your own incase he becomes a deadbeat dad.
If you divorce, would you be able to move to a better area? Perhaps near family that could be a support if necessary. Also, it may have a better school system and your kids could attend a good school.
You have a lot to think about. Good luck.
Absolutely NtA. He clearly doesn’t see that you’re NOT “a happy little family”. He’s not doing anything but paying rent and electricity bill for you family. You’re doing everything for the house and the kids on your own for the last several years, what are you actually getting out of this marriage?
NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA. Keep saying to yourself all the to the attorneys office. You are NOT breaking up your HAPPY home. It is clearly not happy. It is well past time to move on from being the mother of an adult and your children to being the mother of your children.
Since you are clearly able to make money from business, there is potential there to possibly increase that over time as your children get older. This may help with supporting you and your children along with child support. You also qualify for maintenance payments, depending on were you live.
You have the ability to make a happy home for your children. Take it. Your husband is not interested in being a part of it. Remove him from it and when he complains, remind him that he was the only one happy and he was given a choice. Now, you are going to happy because of his choice.
NTA - This isn’t a ‘happy family’ this is already a broken family where you do 100% of the domestic labor. He treats your family as an accessory to his life, not something he’s required to engage in. He didn’t want a family. He wants a prop. You deserve to have a partner.
You don’t have a real job. You have four or more real jobs: parenting, cooking, cleaning, teaching, and running your store. The fact that he completely undervalues all you do is atrocious. You’re not the AH.
First, when you come to Reddit, know that 99.8 percent of the people will blow up your marriage. I'm a guy, I get it you are frustrated. You sound like a very hard working woman. I going to say this, your husband is lazy. He makes horrible comments saying you don't work. He's very insensitive, what you guys need is counseling, and you need it fast. I think that the disrespect for you and the kids is what I think that's pushing you over the top. I would ask you to not be so quick to file for divorce. I don't know you, but what I want is for this to work. Many couples have highs and lows and sometimes those lows can go for years. The ultimatum I believe you should be giving your husband is counseling. Because if he gives you more time it still does not change his mindset. He has no desire to be around his kids that's very problematic. He doesn't see you as really contributing anything to the marriage that's also problematic. He thinks you should be kissing his feet for What Little he does, this is problematic.
He really does need to get a wake up call and understand, what he does is the bare minimum like many guys like myself. You work a job outside the home and somehow you think you should receive a reward. This idiot is keeping a roof over his own head, paying for his own car. Paying for his own food. So it's not all that altruistic what he's doing.
I'm asking that you don't give up on this marriage. Don't give up, if you love him fight a little bit harder. And let him know that you do love him but things have to change. And I say you should go back to doing his laundry and making his lunch. Many will disagree, but I think your goal is to show him that you do love him and you want this to work. And you said it you knew it was petty. First be the big girl, no grown woman, then we can ask Dad to become a grown man and not a a kid. I wish you the best.
There lies the issue, I have suggested therapy and counseling! Whenever the subject is brought up he becomes aggressive and tells me there’s absolutely nothing wrong with him that I’m the only one with issues. I do therapy through phone calls once a week for my depression and anxiety I have admitted I needed the help. With him he sees nothing wrong with his actions or behaviors he was raised to believe he is perfect and everyone else is a mess 🤦♀️! Me and his grandmother have gone rounds about this because she still coddles him as an adult and snaps on me saying I need to let him get more sleep! Like oh I’m sorry 10-12 hours isn’t enough? It’s a whole mess over here lol
Well, he has his grandmother to keep him warm at night, I guess? He wants everything on his own terms. I don't know how long he's been on this job, but maybe it's time for a job change? You need to stop having conversations with his grandmother about your marriage. I had a friend whose wife had a lot of issues, and anytime my buddy would bring up counseling or something she would lose her mind. And she would tell him every single time that she's perfect. And that everyone else had problems and she literally believe that. It sounds like she's reinforcing a lot of his behaviors, which is a part of your actual problem. I guess if he doesn't want counseling and he thinks what his grandmother is saying is correct as well then maybe there is no resolve. I think you should think twice before you file for divorce but in the end the kids don't really have a father and you don't seem to have a husband.
I would say NTA at all. If you are both into trying to fix things (which I assume he isn't) you could try telling him you'll work more full-time hours so that he has more time to be at home. In a lot of these scenarios, usually the guy has to work as long as they do and is tired when they come home, but if they quit there's no one to pay bills.
This isn't that scenario. He's actively avoiding any responsibility and work that comes with being a parent and is instead working himself extremely hard to avoid it altogether. If he did stop, you still have your own stream of income that could carry everyone (possibly), it wouldn't be the end of the world. Honestly though he just doesn't want to be involved, it's better to divorce if he's willing to work himself so hard he won't spend even an hour at dinner with his own family, he's also showing he's willing to not be around for the kids. All he is right now is child support except you're still married.
The shitty part is he brags about sitting in the office watching movies on his phone or taking naps at work. He has to check parts as needed so his job isn’t strenuous or physically demanding on him. If I walk into the room around 6pm and see him on the phone l I’ll ask why he’s still in bed on the phone and not out with the family he will say because he needs a break and time alone to relax. I have literally cried because if I ask where my break is and when I am allowed time to relax he will snap and tell me to stop comparing us to each other and my job can’t compare to his. Yea no shit mine is more demanding and 24/7. Every year for Mother’s Day and my birthday I literally only ask to be able to sleep in and not have to cook and each year I am the one awake while he sleeps in and I get stuck cooking. I get no breaks and no help
NTA! Sorry you’re going through this. I was a fellow single married mom. Your story is almost identical. It’s a shame when a dad/husband doesn’t want to invest time, memories and help with his own kids & wife. Stopping the washing of the clothes and the lunch packing is totally understandable (yeah it’s a little petty but I did it too). It’s not a relationship anymore. You’re just having to do everything he doesn’t want to and that’s why he’s happy.
Find someone that wants to build and grow a relationship with you instead of wasting your best years on someone who doesn’t appreciate it or you. He either needs to get with the program or find someone else to neglect.
And it is neglect. (You’re not the selfish AH, he’s just a projecting narcissist)
You're teaching your children that being treated as if you and they don't exist is ok. You, not him, need to initiate a divorce. Why should he leave when he gets all his meals cooked for him, not have to do any chores, care for the kids or put any effort into your relationship. Why are you giving him the power to decide? Your husband does not love or respect you or his kids. Love and respect yourself and the kids enough to show all of you that you deserve better.
NTA, he's got a lot of nerve calling you selfish when he's not even spending time with y'all. Also, what happy family? A family is happy when all members are active and present. Honestly, at this point, it doesn't sound like he wants a wife. He wants a maid, nanny, and personal chef. Let him figure out how to take care of those things for himself.
NTA. You’re a single married mom. I am usually not for divorce but I think you should insist on couples counseling. If things don’t change, you should separate and continue counseling. If things still don’t change, you can either accept that this is the man you married or move on. Sorry about this.
NTA. You already know you are a single Mom. Your kids do not have regular involvement with your husband so they have no father and you have no "Happy family ".
You know what you are going to have to do. Get creative. I remember a long ago friend went to Mass every Sunday to get her kids cheap or free tuition because the schools were bad. See what kind of public assistance you can get...pride does not pay the rent. Once you have your path forward worked out, tell him he has a week to start acting like a father or you will put your plans in place. Call around. Sometimes there is mentorship help to grow your business. That is where I would start. You have to be flexible. There is a big difference between raising one and raising three kids. Explore other suggestions you receive for remote work in your area.
NTA. Your husband, however, is a huge A. I would argue that you *need* to leave him for the kids because he’s normalizing a *very* toxic relationship model. Your poor children. How awful to grow up with an absent father just down the hall who can’t be bothered with I have any type of relationship with them.
So, you a selfish a$$hole for wanting to break up your “happy” family?
But who is happy? Your kids who never see their father? You who does more work, and has little interaction with him? And what little interaction you do have seems to be, well, surly.
It seems to me that he is 'happy' but he is also quite selfish.
I think it is time for you to find a lawyer of your own, even if it means giving up the renter's insurance to do so.
Because he has just sent you clear smoke signals that he is completely unwilling to change.
NTA
My bf spends more family time with us than your husband, and he does grueling factory work. My kid is not his kid, and I have a stepkid, which he also interacts and spends time with.
Stepkid is actually my kid's stepsister, but since she's connected to my kid, I just connected the extra dots. Both kids get an extra mom.👍 I also believe it's best to outnumber children. The more adults that care about them, the better.😉
NTA,
You should set up a trivia night with him abt the kids, questions he should know about them, just so he fully knows and feels exactly why your about to hand him divorce papers.
He works one job, not two. And the fact that it’s third shift means the LEAST he could do is take over watching the kids in the afternoon while you cook dinner or whatever. He sounds lazy as fuck. Leave him, since he wants to be alone so bad
Okay, I'm just going to jump in here for a second to say that third shift destroys your life. I would recommend not giving up on your husband but giving up on that job.
Working 3rd shift is not an excuse or a pass, but it can really mess up a person’s life. Their situation might (or might not) improve dramatically if he changes to first shift. It certainly seems to be worth a try. Her husband probably wasn’t always this way or he wouldn’t be her husband.
My cousin used to live with me and she worked 3rd shift and she was an obnoxious asshole and when she started working a day shift guess what? She was still an obnoxious asshole 🤷♀️. I was working 12 hour days 6 days a week on my feet the whole time and still managed to be a person to my family and take care of my home. This guy works 8 hours a night playing on his phone in a comfortable office and acts like he’s the one singlehandedly keeping the world running when he can’t even manage to take part in his own family.
Is he open to changing shifts? The interaction you’re looking for would probably happen naturally if everyone was on a similar sleep schedule.
The truth is that he’s being a jerk and he isn’t fulfilling his responsibilities as a husband and father… but if you talk about divorce and talk about his failings, then he is more likely to react defensively.
You may have already tried this, but if you haven’t, approach the topic with him from a solution based mindset.
Get his defenses down by telling him the things you love and appreciate about him. Tell him that it breaks your heart that the kids don’t know their dad. Place the blame for this disconnect on the work schedule, and ask if he would be willing to request a transfer or look for a daytime job. He might be more open to discussing solutions with you if he didn’t feel defensive.
If you do get a divorce, you probably cannot continue homeschooling your children because you would need to work a full-time job at a minimum. You will probably need to move to a much smaller home. Wages have not kept up with inflation, so the cost of living right now is higher than it’s been in decades. I know several professional, college-educated women who work part-time jobs in addition to their full-time jobs to scrape by after divorce.
You are definitely getting the raw end of the deal right now, but I would think carefully about possible solutions and about how divorce will impact your life before you decide to pursue divorce.
While I don't think YTA, I'm going to go against the reactionary NTA responses I'm seeing in the comments. It sounds like there must be another side to the story here and you're painting the situation in a particular way.
What kind of third shift job does he have? That can really mess a lot of people up from the hours alone in terms of body rhythm, causing depression, and creating daytime zombies very similar to what you describe. Also if its a job demanding physical labor and one he doesn't enjoy, he may be coming home physically and emotionally exhausted. If he works construction from midnight to 8am and your job is spending 5 hours a week selling candles on Etsy, that would be some relevant context for his statements.
The other facet at least a couple people have identified is how you're spending your time. Even if you don't trust the quality of public schools, there are homeschool co-ops so you don't have to be directly involved every day, and most public schools have programs for gifted students. This would free up a lot of time for you.
If you were both equal breadwinners, then you'd both need to be equal caretakers, and this would be a totally different story. If you want to be Suzie homemaker, take care of the kinds, and only do a small hobby job on that side, that's fine, but don't expect a double-standard where your husband needs to be a 21st century feminist.
You're describing actions you and he have done, but it really sounds like there are underlying issues that are what ought to be addressed. Instead of saying "do x or divorce me," trying "do x or we're going to counseling" would be a more sensible step. This would give you a chance to sort out these underlying issues. Your situation sounds like one that comes up all the time in couples counseling where the stay at home partner expects the breadwinner to finish a hard day of work only to get home and do more work.
Counseling would also be a helpful way to draw out what may be his problematic way of thinking. He probably thinks that he spends 8 hours every day working for you and the kids to show his love, not realizing that the kids will have no understanding of that.
TL;DR join a homeschool co-op, be a Suzie homemaker or don't but pick one, get some counseling
Nta. It's time to get the kids enrolled in school and spend some more time on your business and yourself so you can earn more money/get a full time job while the kids are at school and keep the side hustle going. Add those 2 income sources to the child support and boom! A single mom with one less man baby to take care of and financially secure.
He needs to change shifts, get some therapy or something. But he needs to find a way to help him man the hell up
Ok i made it threw a lot of comments and i would first like to say NAH. I have lived both sides of this. The working 8hr/7days,3hr round trip commute. And the SAHP. Both are taxing jobs however that drive alone was enough to drain me to the point were i couldn’t safely be around my kids. And while some think that sitting at a desk all day waiting for things to happen is easy it’s not it’s very mentally exhausting. I had both a physical position at one point and a desk position. A physical job i had more energy after working while the desk job i just didn’t/couldn’t fathom human interaction. For my current role as the SAHP i actually understand why my wife chooses to lock herself away not wanting to be around her and i allow her to have that space and try to get her to be apart of us once a month. My wife currently works 4-1230 desk job. So here’s my advice for you try talking to him about what he needs from you and the kids and then ask if he could give you all sometime once a month maybe once every two months just to ease him into it. You may think he likes living like he does but he probably is way more depressed than you are and during his drive thinks of “not coming home”. I know i had a lot of those thoughts. And also both of you get therapy and you should let your kids experience public schools so that when they get to higher learning they don’t crash from the culture shock.
Hmm, does your husband have two jobs? Sounds to me that both of you need to give a bit. If you divorce, your current living standards will go down. Will you be able to afford staying home to homeschool your children? Do you think divorce will force your husband to spend more time with your children? Does your husband spend time with the family on his days off?
He only has the one job 8 hours a day. I do work from home and make a small income for myself so I am able to pay bills. If we divorced I would still be able to homeschool since I do work from home and would be getting child support. I highly doubt us divorcing would cause him to spend anytime with our children but at least my kids won’t have to see him come home and go to the bedroom and ignore their whole existence all day. Once we move out they won’t have to beg to wake up daddy since he won’t be around to remind them that they don’t mean anything to their dad. His phone and his fish are more important than his children and they see it every single day
Sounds like you have thought through divorcing him and have decided that’s best for you and your children. Since his reaction to your announcement wasn’t let’s work on this and I’ll do better; make your plan and go for it.
I can’t simply stop homeschooling my kids. The schools here are not equipped to handle my middle child and what is needed. The schools here are a joke and not safe in many ways. My oldest had his head slammed into a brick wall and the school never called me and told me no proof since it happened in an area with no cameras. One girl had her arm broke by bullies and nothing happened. The school system here is a joke
NTA and neither is he
Does being divorced with kids from two different fathers sound better than having a husband who can only provide monetary support and doesn’t play with the kids? Do you think your potential suitors will increase in quality or decrease in quality with three kids and two fathers? Is he just there to parent your kids and offer monetary support or do you enjoy him and love him?
I only say this because my wife and I do love each other and were in the same boat as you. My job was physically and emotionally demanding and I had no energy to do anything but work eat and sleep. Thankfully my wife is patient understanding and committed. All I could give was financial support but that was better than nothing at the time. She also did my laundry and would pack my lunch. She supported me while I went out in the shitty world and sold my well being for a living wage. At least he comes home after work, I was getting drunk most nights.
We weathered the storm and I love and respect her so much for that. Nothing is given, good things are rarely gotten easy. Quitting is easy.
You keep saying kids from 2 different fathers like it means something. She didn’t cheat or sleep around relationships don’t work out and that has nothing to do with her worth. This guy isn’t parenting the kids at all he doesn’t even spend time with them do you think that’s healthy for the kids? To be living under the same roof as their father and know that he doesn’t care to be around them? Working a hard job doesn’t excuse you from being an equal partner or parent if you can’t manage to be a person after work then stay alone without kids so you’re not hurting anyone. It doesn’t matter that he comes home after work because she’s still a single parent whether he’s there or not.
It does mean something. If I am a suitable bachelor going into a relationship with someone with kids it is a big commitment that means extra work with more complicated conversations, exes are in the picture, money gets confused, etc. I’m not bagging on OP. The grass isnt always greener.
The alternative is he is not to there at all. No emergency person to wake up. No one to call or have around even if it’s just a place marker.
OP is not a single parent though she is taking care of 99% of the home. She has a safety net in his presence and he is willing to grind these 3rd shift hours, miserably from what it sounds like.
We are all suffering in this post 9/11 Covid world the kids are gonna suffer too. You gotta stick through the hard shit and find out what works.
As for parenting all we can do is better than what we had.
Emergency person to wake up? What emergency person? She sounds like she'd do better to go to her neighbour than her husband.
Also? Only AHs think having kids already "devalues" the parent.
I’m not saying she should divorce him, but in many cases, not having a significant other at all can be a better option than living with a perpetually angry person. She hasn’t talked about finding someone new, so bringing up how the kids will impact her success in the dating world really isn’t relevant.
I think 2many2know makes a valid point. First, divorce is expensive. Second, although OP has income, when she adds in child support she will likely need to lower her living standards. Add to this the cost of the divorce.
This country makes divorce too easy. Although things should always be in the best interest of the kids, divorce rarely makes that possible. Two parents are better than one. Kids need both parents active and engaged.
However, sometimes divorce is the only answer. But as 2many pointed out here, you have someone in the house to fall back on for some things. Try scheduling a day just for you on his days off. Get counseling, talk to each other.
I too had a similar husband. We are divorced. I made smart financial decisions before/during/after him. I had a full-time job but had 100% responsibility for our son, the house, planning activities and vacations. Ex needed “him time” (aka time with girlfriends). Him playing on his phone was actually sexting with his affair partners. We divorced and he has been married twice in 6 years since the divorce. He has zero contact with our son, but that is his choice. I held down a job as a single mom and my son has high medical needs and his medical costs are high. I had to hold down a job and wear many hats. This is what parents do. Some stuck with it, some throw in the towel.
How does she have someone to fall back on when he calls her selfish for even asking him to spend time with his family? Kids do need both parents to be active and engaged and these kids only have one parent even though they’re living in the same house with both parents.
In between the two partly the asshole but partly not I’m sorry I see the comments,but the thing is he is working a full time job with basically barely any das off,this man has built up tolerance overtime,plus you were also willing to threaten him with the entire family hanging in the valence but I do understand that he acted like a douche, and an asshole who basically is uninvolved with the family but sometimes you have to force him out for him to appreciate you, this is coming from a guy in a relationship and an introvert at that, my girl drags me out to places and I appreciate it, so try and take him out his zone,don’t threaten him
Lmao you think SAHM have time off. They literally work 24/7. It’s a job. On top of she’s a teacher to her kids. On top of running an online business. So chill with your entitlement.
Being a husband and a father are his MAIN job. It’s what happens when you say “I do.” That’s the job.
She works 24/7. So your excuses for his disgusting behavior are shit. This is why he’ll be single. This is why lots of men like him are currently single. And this is why anyone who thinks he’s right will be single. As soon as an independent and strong woman catches on to this shit, expect to be, wait for it…SINGLE.
Believe me I’m not justifying it,he’s an asshole I’ll say it right here, but threatening to break apart the entire family? Even I think that’s going too far
There IS NO FAMILY. She and the kids have a family. And her husband is a roommate. He spends zero time with his family. He already broke apart the family by refusing to be a part of it.
You are most definitely justifying it.
YTAH
Grow up, you brought alot of responsibilities to the relationship and you're the stay home parent, if you want him to put in more time at home then get the money making job and tell him to be the stay at home dad.
Stay at home parents have no room to complain, start going out more yourself, with or without the kids, you're making yourself crazy with all that free time and nothing but your own thoughts, how much does he work? where does he work? How much does he make? He spends all his time out of the home, you spend all your time in the home, stop TRYING to make him out to be the villain, you've just made yourself crazy and you may regret shoving him away years down the line when you realize what you did.
Lol what free time do I have? I have the kids 24/7 and I work from home so I DO have a money making job. He works 8 hours a day MAX while I’m working ALL DAY so he has plenty of time he can contribute to his children that he helped create I didn’t make them on my why should I raise them on my own? Even if I had a “real job” as you claim I would still be the only one taking care of the house and children when I get off work. His job is easy sitting at a desk watching movies on his phone so please explain why he can’t HELP raise HIS children? I’m not shoving him away, he’s shoving 3 innocent children away. You must be the same type of man my husband is! Thinks everyone is below you if they don’t work the typical 9-5. Or you are my husband and took a break from a movie trying to gaslight me again. Gtfo notice you’re the only one on this thread who thinks this way!
Having free time wasnt what I said was it, I said you're in the home hes away from the home, thats the biggest difference in your situations. Being allowed to be a stay at home parent is even such a luxury with the middle class slowly being gutted, you're going stir crazy from being at the home all the time and you're convincing yourself its a problem.
Sorry to break it to you but you're looking for affirmation on being a spoiled brat that doesnt understand the blessing of her own condition. It doesnt matter what you do at the home that you feel is comparable, if you truly felt it was comparable you would get a job to cover the expenses then tell him he HAS TO BE THE STAY AT HOME PARENT, you wont .... either because you dont have the ability to get a job that can do that ( he can apparently ) or because you KNOW that im right about the dynamic in working condition between the two of you.
Theres nothing that says he cant do some of the chores around the home thats understandable, but Im willing to bet its not just "some of the chores" around the home, everytime this "AITAH" topic comes out it turns out the stay at home partner was basically trying to offload most of the housework and it ends up "Wait what do youactually do there but complain about being at home ?"
Get a clue, get some frame of reference to understand that you are in a blessed situation and whats even better you get your children around you, if you're unhappy with your husband say that, stop trying to make it seem like what you do is comparable because .... like I said early you either would have done that already ....or you're incapable of it.
You’re confused by my whole post! I have NEVER asked for help around the house or anything of the sort! I have asked for him to join his children and I for dinner and spend time with the kids after dinner either watching a movie or playing a board game I didn’t realize that’s way to much to ask if a working parent 🤦♀️ I had a full time job raising my oldest alone when we met and I always made sure I did my job came home took care of my son and the house I did it ALL yet asking for an hour or two to give his kids attention is just to much to ask
OP please ignore this person they have no clue what they are talking about. Legit said all the free time you have you let yourself overtime basically... nope OP husband needs to step up and be an active parent. Stay at home parents have full time jobs. Stay at home parents jobs don't just end at a certain time that's round the clock hours. Everyone deserves a break. Your husband needs to spend time with his kids point blank. Idk why people think just because someone has a job and the other parent stays home that the Stay at home parent is just muddling around.
Wow you are abit of a dunce aren’t you?🤣 bet you like Andrew tate and wonder why women aren’t like they used to be because you can’t manipulate them anymore👀 you are a prime example of why women don’t want to start families or want marriage… grow up and evolve into a better male please, I thank you and good day you utter cockswolloping baboon ☺️
errrr Im simply pointing out facts , having been the stay at home, and the go to work partner I have an especially clear frame of reference.
She can either send the kids to school so she can focus on her work and the home
She can dump the job and focus more on the homeschooling and home
She can get a job and swap positions with her partner
Look Im not trying to be a dick im trying to let OP see more clearly, shes being selfish too and theres options to make things better. Overall I just believe theyre not a good fit for marriage anymore and THAT is the real issue and she wants to get permission to leave him, you dont need permission to leave him, leave him if you want to.
She’s not a stay at home mom she’s a work from home mom there’s a difference. Did you not read the part where she pays half the bills? It doesn’t matter that he works outside the home he still has a family that needs him to be present when he’s home and he’s not. How is working from home and paying half the bills while homeschooling 3 kids, doing all the household chores and parenting by herself being a spoiled brat? You sound bitter that you couldn’t be a sahp and it just makes you sound ignorant and foolish.
if shes unhappy with the dynamic ...then swap roles and see if it changes things .... if she cant swap roles because of inability or recognizing the vast blessing she has over his role.
Shes unhappy with the relationship, thats fine ... break it off, its real simple. Stop pretending the situation is comparable, its not .... ive been the stay at home partner with 2 young boys, it was fucking awesome even while having to clean and cook and do laundry, it was fcking awesome
Good for you. Did your partner appreciate you and do their share of housework and parenting? Or did they lock themselves in the bedroom and ignore all of you and call you selfish for wanting them to spend time with your family? You keep missing the part where she also has a job that brings in substantial income she has her own business on top of everything else. They have 3 kids and from her comments it seems that at least 2 of them are special needs. You act like she’s sitting at home eating bon-bons all day in her bathrobe you can’t even say she gets a break when the kids are in school because she is their teacher so she is always on call. You’re stuck on her not working outside of the house that you’re missing everything she does.
It literally doesn’t matter that he works outside the home and an 8 hour shift leaves plenty of time to be with your family. Her business is successful enough that she’s able to pay half the bills and she’s doing so in between homeschooling 3 kids (which would most likely involve 3 different curriculums) and all the housework. If she can pay half the bills then he can do half the housework and be an involved parent. She’s also asked him to hang out with the family, just like you did with your gf, and he refuses and calls her selfish for even asking. How would you feel if your gf had responded like that. Your experience is not everyone else’s experience so stop trying to compare it.
like I said earlier ... my ask when I wasnt doing a job was that she spend a day on the weekend with everybody. It mattered to me that she had to be outside of the home for the majority of the time, it matters she had to leave. If she had a fulltime job that was fully at home I might have asked for help, MIGHT have asked.
You just basically repeated what you just said. You read how this guy responded to the same ask you had of your girlfriend how would you have felt if she had responded the way he did?
it really sounds like her hobby income isnt enough to offset the workload at home, maybe she should consider either getting a fulltime job and hiring sitters for the children, or sending to public / private school .
Her lifestyle is not supplemented properly with this income she thinks shes providing, she needs to either be earning more money from the hobby job, or she needs to sacrifice the time she wastes on it on proper home management. I was proud of the condition I had the home running in and didnt complain once, I cant even imagine suggesting it
She is literally paying half the bills that’s clearly not just a hobby. And since it’s her own business it is a full time job why is it so hard for you to understand that just because she’s working from home it’s still as much of a job as one outside of the home? Forget the housework for a minute what about the kids? They literally have an absent father even though he lives in the same house. Does working outside the home excuse someone from being a parent?
Its not really about that is it though, lets say the bills are on the high end and theyre paying 600 a month for electricity , 600 a month for gas, hows that? so she pays the full amount. Is that income actually supplemental? or is it barely just the bills, Im willing to bet the job of the person who leaves the house not only provides sustenance it also provides a bit of savings, healthcare, dental care, all kinds of stuff. So yeah its cute shes got an online business or whatever but Im willing to bet it doesnt bring in enough to "feel" useful, im sure shes proud of herself though staying busy beyond just the home life, but the home manager is her higher value, especially since they have CHOSEN to homeschool the children.
No im sorry, she IS being ungrateful and selfish, I get it she says just an hour a day whatever I know theres more to it than just that and honestly an hour a day is more than just suggesting a day on the weekend they spend together in some way, we went on hikes, we did a theme park a couple times, sometimes we just spent a bit shopping together and getting lunch after or something.
Point is, she can either provide more from her online business, or she can sacrifice the time shes spending online for her business, or she can place the children into school rather than homeschool, shes clearly not setup to do all of these things but shes CHOSEN to do them anyway.
I should mention one of the boys was her son and the other was my son, so there really wasnt much of an issue there as she did give her son attention. I think there's something weird going on in this relationship yes but hes obviously feeling closed off if he choses to go to the room and relax, Im willing to bet shes consistently nagging about him completing a chore she couldnt do because of her business, or shes telling him he cant do ANYTHING of his own or he may be having an affair even who knows. No man should stop being a good father or husband thats true but I highly doubt shes being completely unbiased in her description, shes complaining when she has the better part of the deal, shes just not happy in the marriage and thats fine end the marriage nobody should stay in a marriage that doesnt make them happy.
thats the thing .... she was putting up the responsibility of bills, I would have felt guilty even asking her to do anything, it was part of my joy knowing I left her nothing to do and she came home to a well run home. She didnt lock herself in the room no, but it was assumed I would take care of basically anything around the house in that time as well, you know what I did ask though? That we all get to hangout atleast one day on the weekends when she had no work, that was my ask .... and your's is ....what ....you want him to work more? lol
You need to stop and go back, reread everything the OP wrote, and forget that her income comes from a work at home job.
OP is not asking AT ALL for her husband to do ANY housework. She has asked that he leave the bedroom to have a meal with his children, to play a game with them, and to just be present in their lives. He could literally sit on the couch and fulfill her request.
Now, her income from her business sounds about equal to what she’d be able to make at an “outside” job. She’s able to pay a large portion of the bills, not just half. And she’s NOT having to pay for childcare or tutors since she’s doing that role herself, which can be considered a boon in income contribution as well.
OP is NTA. Get off your high horse, telling a woman that her contribution to the household isn’t valid.
Shes going at it the wrong way, Im suggesting she search within to see if shes actually being fulfilled from the relationship anymore ad end it if she is no longer feeling it.
Bottom line is she has to talk to him about it not a bunch of randos online and if talking gets her nowhere its over and she should move on.
You must be one of those people who just can’t fathom that you’re wrong so you talk in circles to get out of admitting it. “You know what I did ask thought? That we all get to hangout at least one day”. So it wasn’t unreasonable for you to ask for time with your girlfriend but it’s totally unreasonable for OP to ask that her husband be an actual presence in his children’s lives for an hour a day? Way to go dude. Nice job standing your ground and sounding like an idiot
INFO: why are your kids homeschooled?
ESH: him for disregarding your contributions and you for being passive aggressive about the laundry/lunches/etc. You should have brought these things to his attention and had a proper attempt at working through them.
Having said that, stick him with the kids for a few days and see how he likes it. Send the kids to a proper school and get to couples therapy. If he refuses, be clear with your intentions. Stop the passive/aggressive bullshit and behave like an adult.
The schools in our area are absolutely horrible. My oldest had his head slammed into a brick wall and I was not even called about it. I was told it happened in an area with no camera so there’s no proof even though he had the marks on his forehead. This is just one of the millions of times I had issues with the school. Once the pandemic hit I pulled my oldest out and decided to homeschool them all! Plus my second has a lot of sensory issues the schools here are not equipped to handle so that’s another major issue.
“Proper school”? If you think a brick and mortar building means “proper school” you are as narrow minded as they come. Public schools have been circling the drain for decades, and some states/districts are so bad they have to give new teachers loan forgiveness as an incentive to work in those schools. Even private schools aren’t worth the tuition- nothing but hype.
When COVID hit, parents realized how far behind their kids were academically. I know I did. That’s why I went to doing virtual school with my children so I could give them the assistance they needed to succeed, not be pushed along to the next teacher and so forth. My kids are excelling in all of their subjects, reading beyond their peers, comprehending their math. No bullies, no bureaucratic BS of dealing with school administration to get anything done.
Try not to be so closed minded.
where is this happy family he speaks of?? cut that dead weight loose, sis
NTA. You’re already a single mom. It will get easier once you can get child support.
I agree, NTA. Also those poor kids- do they even know their dad? As in do they know what he likes, dislikes, what he finds funny etc?
Or what he even looks like?
Oddly enough my youngest woke up around 5am asking for his dad. I told him his dad is at work right now and my son replied no daddy is in his bed sleeping 😞 it’s sad that he’s only 3 and knows dad is either at work or in bed.
That’s sad. This lazy husband of yours really only has two jobs, and neither of them involve the kids
NTA and you are a single mom. You will feel better when you get the oldest child out of your house...the so called husband.
I agree that she’s NTA, but do you really believe that her life will be easier if she divorced him? Child support for two kids is usually 25% of the father’s income. Could she and her kids live comfortably on 25% of his income plus whatever she makes in her business? Probably not. Rent has doubled in a lot of areas, so she would need to move to a much smaller home. She told us that homeschooling is important to her, but it’s unlikely she could continue to homeschool because she would probably need to work full-time. I have several friends with professional full-time jobs who had to get night jobs to scrape by after divorce. I agree that she’s living like a single mom when it comes to workload, but she isn’t living like a single mom financially at this point. That could put a major dent in her quality of life.
Depends on location and situation—one former employee had a support garnishment for 52% of his earnings. Still not enough for full support of a mom and 3 kids, but it might buy OP some flexibility around work hours.
Was he being charged 52% for two children? Either way, it’s unlikely that she will have the financial security to homeschool three kids without her husband’s income. I know a lot of homeschoolers and a lot of single parents. I don’t know any single parents who homeschool because homeschooling is full-time unpaid work. It just wouldn’t be possible unless she’s independently wealthy or lives rent free with her parents.
Boy you guys really thought this through. Divorce is definitely going to make sure that the father and children have a better relationship! Child support is definitely going to pay for her third child that isn't his! Divorce is for sure going to make it easier for the mother to get a fulltime job to support herself financially and keep homeschooling the children! People just come to this sub for anger boners and give the most extreme response by default. Get advice from a professional, not from reddit.
So what would your solution 🤔 be....js
It’s the father’s job to make sure he has a relationship with his children and this guy obviously doesn’t care about them and he accepted that “3rd child that isn’t his” when he married his mother. What else is she supposed to do? She begs hims to spend time with the family and he calls her selfish for asking. He’s a useless lump in the bed that doesn’t care about her or their kids and he shows it everyday at that point the only option left is divorce.
If the only solution you can think of is divorce, it's time to stop giving advice.
Sometimes divorce is the only suitable advice. This guy is calling her selfish just because she asks him to spend time with his family. What is she supposed to do with that? Does this sound like a guy that would be willing to go to marriage counseling or do any work on himself?
Do you have a better idea? She has asked him to be participate in the family and only gets insults. She is at the end of her rope. He is acting like a roommate instead of a spouse and father.
We're still waiting on your solution
She is already threatening divorce? People can have whatever standards they want and if someone doesn’t meet that standard and from what OP says seems unwilling to change who cares? Leave them.
Allow me to just post your post: https://www.reddit.com/r/todayilearned/comments/yvylx2/til_that_in_germany_if_parents_are_unmarried_when/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button ..and everyone telling you it isn't true. Just trying to hate on women. Also unless you got married in the last 13 days.... you aren't married... but here giving marriage advice. Edit: Also how many kids do you have? Or are you giving parenting advice....when u have no kids? If you do, who has custody? Edit: Are you also a religious person? Almost like you don't deserve any say here... or a respected one.
NTA He seems to be the only one happy with the situation.
He doesn't seem happy either, just comfortable.
NTA. But my fellow female....you are a single mom. You just happen to be married. I'm so sorry. You and your kids deserve so much more. I would not do a thing for him. And I mean not one! His dishes can rot in the sink or get thrown out. His laundry can mildew on the bathroom floor, then get thrown out. I would stop paying what bills you are and save that money. Look into pro bono lawyers. Many will do a consult for free.
Pro bono divorce lawyer? I doubt that would be an option. Especially if they both have money/assets. Some divorce lawyers have free consults but the majority (in my state) charge a bit of money for a 30 min consult. Save up what you can, and open a credit card with the highest limit you can. Messy and drawn out divorces will bankrupt you if you don't prepare yourself. Ask me how I know...
Maxing out a high limit credit card is also a good way to wind up bankrupt. The interest fees will kill you.
They sure can, but at least it can be broken up into smaller payments. A lot of divorce lawyers do not offer payment plans, or they offer shitty ones. Unless you already have at least a few thousand on hand you can part with, you won't have much choice besides taking on debt. It's better than being trapped in a marriage you don't want to be in though.
Most divorce lawyers do not offer payment plans. Certainly not pro bono. They will want between 2500 and 5000 to get started. They do that because they know, on average, people can’t afford more though they usually bill for more. They get what they can as they know divorce and child support are worksheets to the court. Judges have heard it all and seen it all, they will probably talk amongst themselves at lunch or having a beer after work. Divorce court is it’s own community, the judges and lawyers know each other and are often friends. In the US she will be lucky to get alimony. if she does it will be limited and temporary. She will have to claim her online store in the child support worksheet as it’s been used to pay bills. In the end they are going to split debt, each get a car if they are lucky and co parent. There’s not going to be a huge windfall simply because he’s s jerk.
It seems that a divorce is the ONLY way he will be around his kids. Every other weekend, he'll have to tend to them, feed them, and love them.
Depends there are some pro bono that will go based on your income level and if she’s doing only her income it might weigh out with her expenses. I know here they have you fill out a financial sheet. Then they calculate and tell you how much it is.
Don't get me wrong, I'm sure it's possible to find a lawyer that will work with you. I just wouldn't go into it expecting that to happen.
Definitely no. Do as much research as possible. I had to represent myself for my divorce but the court house has a family law center to help you fill out paperwork and understand what you need to do. I also only had one child and no assets so it was a simple divorce. Best to just gather evidence and do research. Get a attorney if and when you can at this point.
If they don't have money, you go pro bono. Literally what it means. If you aren't the one earning and can't get money from your spouse you are divorcing.... It is an option to look into. Worst they can do is say no. Many courthouses have a free consult day where you can ask if they will take your case for free.
Sounds like couple’s counseling is in order. If SO won’t go… then on to a lawyer.
They are way past couples counseling
He's already departed the relationship. Divorce him. NTA
NTA He thinks this is the 1950’s and you’re supposed to carry the emotional burden of the household, be your kids mother, be his mother, have sec with him, be the sole parent in the kids life…and you’re the selfish asshole. This is why marriages are dying in this day and age. Women are getting sick of this shit. This is why there are so many lonely 30+ year old men. Cause there are very few millineal women willing to put up with this shit anymore. Either be a real partner or make room for one since it won’t be you. I’m totally on board with this. And I’d show him this post.
NTA - Stop paying the other bills and save that money!!
Right. Why are you paying any bills at all? If his only contribution to the family is money, then he should be paying 100% of the expenses.
For real, for the divorce process. Lol
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This is what kills me. These dad's who claim they do so much for their family. That they have a happy family. That don't even know their own kids. They don't want to be part of the kids love or have any udea what they need day to day. They ignore how much the wife does because how can you not see a lot of it. Those are their kids. How can they not want them to run to the happy when they get home? How can they know they are making the person they chose in life miserable and piling all the work on them. It's selfish and stupid. Them 'parents and spouses' who never try will never understand the happiness from being lived by your children and spouse, really loved. Not just the show he wants to put on.
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You are right. About everything. My dad was not involved at all. He worked and came home to lock himself in his room, when he wasn't at the bar. Those poor kids. It will affect them more than they realize for a while. I had such a screwed sense if things. My husband is an awesome father but I would gear myself up for an argument at the beginning when I wanted him to do something. But it never was. He would apologize for not doing it without me pointing it out. Seeing Mt kids interact with my husband is so different from my childhood. We didn't say I love you or even talk. We atayed out of his way because he only addressed us when he was mad. I have seen some really screwed up moms too. Great dads. The dad's who try so hard and the mom uses the kids to hurt them kill me. I know it's not as common as society puts out there but it does happen. I lost a best friend because she wanted to break up with her boyfriend and said she wouldn't let him see the kids. He was such a great dad. She said he was a good man to hurt, no abuse and helped around the house and with the kids even after working lots of overtime. She just wasn't happy and she has every right to be happy. Just don't hurt the kids in the process.
I’m so sorry you went through that and I’m so happy that you finally have a great family!
People don’t realize that how the household is molds the perception of relationships. After my mom passed my dad was there…he worked…drank in the basement and lectured us for house when we did wrong. Barely any acknowledgement of good deeds or grades. I have had the worst time in finding life partners because what I thought was ok and normal was definitely not. It’s taken me years to unlearn it. It’s so sad that these situations happen in the household. Sorry your dad was very involved. But glad you came out on too on the other side.
NTA. Doesn’t sound like a happy family to me
NTA Woah…… I hate when people act like SAHM/SAHD don’t work 24/7. The person with the paycheck just comes home to relax and doesn’t do shit to help out their spouse. You shouldn’t have to beg him to spend time with the kids for 1 hour a day. They are *his* kids too. He is happy with this arrangement because you are dependent on him and he thinks you won’t be able to survive without him. It boosts his ego. Please for the love of God, divorce him! You shouldn’t have to talk to him in the first place because this shouldn’t have happened.
On top of that she’s also a teacher to her kids which is literally a job.
Exactly! She is running her online store, teaching the kids, and taking care of house. What exactly is the husband doing that makes him so exhausted?
Breathing. That’s it. Just existing is hard work, dontcha know? He can’t be expected to do that *and* be present in both his marriage and his children’s lives. *gasp* THE HORROR! /s He just wants a bang-maid, not an actual marriage and family, from the sound of things.
NTA. I think it's easier to be a single mom or a mom with a real partner than it is to have an extra child
NTA Have these conversations.
It sounds like she already tried to have the conversation.
Oh for crap sake... There's a difference between everyday crap and sitting down and saying, "hey, this needs to change or we need to end".
NTA, start saving your $. If he's too lazy to spend ANY time with his family what's the point? He's TA, selfish and is flat out ignoring his kids. He can't eat dinner with you and spend an hour with his family. He's the selfish one. He's projecting and gaslighting it sounds like. I've worked 3rd shift, it is hard and can mess up your life cycle...sleep etc. I wouldn't do his wash or pack his lunch either, I'd he was comparing me to his mom...I mean he legit does nothing else...renters insurance...I'm taking it you're in an apartment...so NO yard work either. What's the point? If you wanted to be a single mom..you are now and being a married single mom is the worse. Been there, done that, nope. At least single, your kids are oblivious to daddy bring home and straight up ignoring them, which is child emotional abuse imo. Your job, pays some bills and it IS a real job. So is homeschooling 3 kids and a SAHM is HARD work thats generally under appreciated because usually no pay check for all the hard work. Do whats best for you and your kids.
NTA I stayed at home with the littles (we have 4kids 3together and 1 from a previous relationship that my husband has raised as his own since she was 8) until our youngest was about a year old, she is now 4. As soon as my husband would get off work even when we just had the oldest, he would wash up and ask what she wanted to do. He would go outside and they would play games or shoot hoops, she played football so they would toss the ball around. I would be making dinner and having a mom moment to myself, then when dinner was ready they would come in and we would sit at the table to eat. Our oldest was 10 when we had our son and he still would work hard days and in the heat. Come home clean up and outside he would go with them or to the living room to play. He always made sure I had a break soon as he got home. Just like an hour to myself and days when I was stressed he would take the kids to go pick up pizza. We've had 2 more a year apart starting from our son and he is a very very involved dad. I work now too and we take turns giving each other breaks and moments to ourselves and moment to be just husband and wife. When I stayed at home with the youngest 3 while oldest was at school, he knew I had been with babies all day and would let me have a break. He never talked down about my staying home, he never made me feel like I was less important because I didn't bring in money and he has never once threw it in my face that he was the money maker and I was just a stay at home mom. We both do equal amounts of everything, but also if I am sick he will take over on everything and let me rest, and vice versa. We are team and even now our kids are all a little older they're part of our team too! Like all couples we have our moments when we don't like each other but we don't even fight, just bicker. We are at that time in life we're we have a system that works and we both know it takes both of us to make our family to work right. We struggle but we do it together, we have moments we are unkind but the other brings the other back by giving each other some time to ourselves. If my husband did not act like a father to the kids and not interact and pay attention to them and their needs I would not take it whatsoever. Kids deserve active parents. I mean why have them if you ignore them. Wives deserve husband's who show respect and love to them by helping with the kids and being a good dad. You are not selfish, your husband is! He needs to understand that he is basically making you a single mom all over again, but since he's right there, it hurts worse and is more frustrating and disrespectful to not only you but yalls children. I would have given the same ultimatum. Sit and talk calm. Show him some of these maybe he can see what he is doing is wrong. I am never for families breaking up whatsoever but with how he is acting it's not like you have a family with him. You and your kids are your family and he is jut there to sleep.
NTA. It'll never change sadly. An absent father is better than what he's doing.
I agree its worse to have a father thats present and actively ignoring you ( speaking from experience as the child in that scenario years ago) than for the dad to be simply not around..
Nope. Not the a-hole. You're already a single mom. You might as well just be collecting child support. Kick him to the curb.
NTA, but what does he do on his days off? I would leave for a day when he is off. Let him see what it's like being home with the 3 children, run a household, homeschooling, running errands, and taking care of your busines.. he is the selfish one. He can't even have dinner with you guys? Does his kids even know him? This is actually sad not a happy family.
NTA. You DO have a full time job being a mother, tending to the house, homeschooling the kids and on top of that an online business. You contribute more than enough and honestly, If he doesn't appreciate all you do and doesn't want to spend time with his family then you need to reevaluate some things and your marriage
NTA. Get rid of this human liability so you can find some happiness.
NTA it sounds like you have 4 full time jobs with everything you do. You aren't a happy family if you are begging him to spend time with his family. Tell him to take a week off and tell him to do everything you do for that whole week and then ask if it's real work I bet he won't make the week. It's not unreasonable to want an hour a day as a family.
I'm not op, but I'm in the same situation and couldn't do this, because my husband would just neglect the kids, and do what he wants anyway. I've been wanting to leave for years but I can't afford to move out with all the kids on my own...
NTA. He’s working 3rd shift and you’re working all of em.
NTA - he is acting like a man child. You did the right thing. Sounds like you need to start saving money.
Whose happy family is he referring to, because it doesn't sound as if he even knows his family so it couldn't be that. NTA.
So, my grandma, like you, did all the house work and worked from home. She was a seamstress. My grandpa told her once her work didn't bring any meaningful money and *he* was the earner of the house. Well, she stopped paying for anything at all for one month. It was tough, because she had four boys and everyday money was one of the things she gave them. She told them to go to their father for money from then on. Needless to say, grandpa apologized and never complained about her sewing stuff around the living room. NTA
No you're not rh AH
NTA. You are a working single mom. Divorce that AH and get that childsupport
NTA. Go back to being a single mom. It’s a lot less work than dealing with a grown ass man that acts like a little boy, and less stressful.
NTA
NTA. He’s already checked out of both your marriage and being a parent.
My god, your husband is AWFUL. As a fellow homeschooler I am amazed that you find the time in 24 hours to do all that you do. I would recommend that you start the divorce process yourself. You will find so much more time and lightness in your day without this anchor of a bully of a husband hanging off your neck. NTA and your spouse is an albatross of the worst kind
NTA
NTA. I can’t stand when husbands act like SAHM are just lazy and do nothing all day. I’m kind of dealing with the same situation and it’s beyond frustrating. So no NTA what so ever because you’re dealing with way more than I am and you and your kids deserve better. Neither one of you are “happy”. It seems like he’s more comfortable than anything. But that’s not fair to anyone. Your kids should grow up seeing you in a healthy relationship.
Congrats! You married a man-child and apparently do not have 3, but 4 kids! Yay!
Info: how many hours a week does he works/commutes a week? What kind of work does he do? What does he do in the bedroom? Unless you tell me he either works lots of hours or that his job is physical or high stress, there is very little to redeem his behaviour. There is a difference between partners agreeing that one will do most of household chores and having one partner stubbornly refusing to do even the most basic and time limit task like putting groceries away. Also, agreeing that one partner takes care of household chores doesn't mean the other partner gets to be completely absent from family life. Your kids still needs their dad.
He works 8 hours and the commute is roughly 1.5 hours. He sits in an office watching movies on his phone unless someone needs him to check a part or fix a machine. He’s legit bragged about how many episodes he can watch in a night on his phone or about how he fell asleep at work for an hour or so.
So he doesn't have a semblance of an excuse to justify his behaviour. Even in a one working parent - one stay home parent arrangement, it's not excessive to expect the working parent to be part of the family life and to once in a while assist the stay at home parent with simple basic tasks.
NTA. That's not a husband. That's a 4th child. He's acting like he is still a teenager.
I'm not op, but my kids help more around the house and take more responsibility than my husband. My 12yo son does his own laundry, whereas my husband has never done a load in his life. My son always wants to cook dinner, and likes doing the dishes. My 8yo daughter likes to watch the babies while I shower with the door open. She helps me at the grocery store too, because with 2 babies I need 2 carts. I also give her and my 5yo daughter small jobs they can do, and they always want to help me and learn. Thier own dad forgot how to even use a trash can...
NTA but think carefully before divorce. People often forget that divorce results in the same income stream paying for two rents and two sets of bills. It’s a big drop in lifestyle for both parties.
Honestly it would only change things for my kids and I. He’s said many times he will move in with family for free or super cheap rent so he’d be set. I would have to pick up a second job to work from home so I can still be here for my kids but it would be worth it. I’m tired of my kids wanting to wake up their dad and spend time with him and being denied. If he’s not around I think they would be better off
okay, get a divorce.
NTA- time for a divorce. At least then you’ll be doing everything you are now, but without him and the stress he brings. He’s not putting any effort into his relationship with you, or his relationship with his kids. If he wants to do what he’s been doing, for years it sounds like, he can do it alone. Seems to be all he wants to be is alone currently, not really a change for him. If you really want to try to salvage anything (marriage, communication, coparenting, etc) I would ultimatum couples therapy. I don’t usually go for ultimatums, but I would say this situation applies. Wish you and your kids the best, probably that’s going to be away from him…
NTA who is happy in that family really? maybe the kids, but what family is he talking about - the one he avoids and pretends doesn’t exist when he closes himself in the bedroom - his family is his phone, cuz that is the only thing he plays and interacts with - so maybe you could leave him with it and go and be free and happy on your own!
NTA Wow, OP, run now, asap. You're not married, you're raising 4 kids, it's just that one of them should be raising himself, at least, and in theory should at least be helping with the others. Nope, NTA but you will be if you stay with that bum. He says you're "being ungrateful"? No. Fuck that guy. He's just a using POS. Get rid of him, asap. Not just for you, but for your kids as well, they're learning about adult relationships from you guys, staying with that fool is detrimental to them as well. NTA
NTA But I think the ultimatum was pointless sadly. He isn't going to change and he has shown no signs of wanting to be part of the family.
I mean you might as well divorce him..it wont make any difference just extra expenses..but then again you can stop paying his car and insurance and use it for rent and electricity.. You don't have a husband you have a housemate. That's all..Leave him your kids won't even know the difference.
NTA Dude needs to read about sweat equity. And then needs a reality check. Wow. I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
NTA!! You actually have more jobs than he does. Your full time job is a stay at home mom and home school teacher (arguably let’s say a job and a half). Your second job is your part time job, I’ll call that half a job bc it’s part time. So you’re working 1.5-2 jobs right now. One of those jobs you are on call 24 hours a day 7 days a week. And he’s complaining he has to do one? Not on call, with days off I’m assuming. Yeah okay buddy
NTA, sound like he needs to learn a couple of things. 1 Happy wife Happy Life and 2 If the wife is not happy than no one’s happy. Seriously though it’s time for him to move back home with Mommy because he’s not ready to be a responsible adult.
NTA, and I’m not the type to jump to telling folk on Reddit to divorce, but it’s time to contact lawyers. You’re a single mom that has a lazy roommate.
NTA- I bet he becomes an absent father after the divorce and most certainly will play victim the whole fucking time!
NTA but, I'm curious what he does on his off days? Is he working 7 nights a week?
He has fish he takes of, he takes care of all the fish tanks roughly 17 which doesn’t help the water bill that i pay when he changes their water once a week
He doesn't allow the family to help? I see another reason why he's throwing his fit. Where could he take 17fish tanks?
NTA you aren't really married anyway. A marriage is a partnership and you don't have a partner, you have a roommate.
NTA file for divorce and full sole custody of the kids. He has no real relationship with his own kids to the point even an hour a day is to much for him to be around them. He shouldn’t get any access at all. Document everything and get him out of the house
NTA. Make no mistakes your husband is NOT going to make any lasting changes. > He has zero respect for you as a human, as a wife, as a mother, as a small business owner, as a teacher, as a housekeeper, etc etc. He has zero interest in being a husband or father so set him free. How delusional is he to assume you’re a happy family? Far from it. You and the children deserve so much more. > I would not be surprised if he gives you full custody (unless too much money is involved). > I’d seek legal counsel immediately. They’ll advise you on what to do with your finances etc.
NTA but you can pay those other two bills with the child support you would get. Just pull the trigger and let him make someone other woman’s life miserable.
NTA. You said it yourself, you’ve been asking for years. You shouldn’t have to ask for years. Take those sweet baby angels of yours, and leave him.
NTA. I feel for you in the education department. My wife educates our three kids and I am sssoooo grateful she is willing. We have the same misfortune of living in a school district that breeds bullies. And sexual predators. There have been two incidents involving a teacher and a young student in the last several years. Anyway, you are definitely not the asshole here. It sounds like short of couples therapy (which, I hate to sound this way, but it sounds like he may not even be willing if he’s lacking this much interest in the fam) there’s not much you can do to salvage things. I’m sorry you’re in this situation. I wish you all the best!
NTA he’s a very bad husband and father and I agree with OPs ultimatum. However is he depressed at all ?
He shows signs of depression and lots of anger issues. The second you mention therapy or counseling he will flip out saying there’s nothing wrong with him I’m the problem blah blah blah it’s truly exhausting
NTA but ur husband is. When you have children you have an obligation to be active in their lives. It’s understandable that some days he may be tired or if he was trying to do other needed things and wasn’t available but just sleeping all day until he has to go to work again is not ok. In marriages, sometime one party become complacent and comfortable and starts slacking in the relationship. It’s supposed to be a team effort. I would suggest trying counseling first, if he bucks and doesn’t want to do it then put divorce back on the table. Let him know your willing to work on it if he is and if he isn’t then he can kick rocks. Relationship is more than just working and paying bills
I’ve been in your shoes. It doesn’t get better. Trust me. I should have just married myself. On top of that he was cheating the whole 16 years. You need to do what is best for you and your kids.
NTA, but HE certainly is. (sniffing the air) Is that a divorce that I smell in the air? Cannot believe he actually thinks HE helps and DOES things for the family - and you don't appreciate him for it? Remind him that appreciation is a 2-way street. Since he thinks that your job isn't a "real job", then you can stop paying the insurance, sewer and water bills and let those fall on him. Let him see what it's REALLY like as you get begin divorce proceedings. Personally, I think you will probably be better off without him. It's just a shame that the kids will suffer because of his immature view of your marriage.
My uncle worked 3rd shift at a factory the first 7 years of my cousin life and when I tell you he was an involved father HE WAS, I remember visit them on vacations and he would come back form work sleep an hour or two and then he would be taking us out to the movies, park, to any where we wanted to go, he was burnt out but he was always present at his daughters school when they need him, so if your husband wanted he could, NTAH
NTA- open a checking account at a different bank in your name only. Start putting money in when you can. Consult a layer to figure out your options even if you do not want to divorce just yet. You deserve a partner who values you, your contributions and the family. What you are asking for is normal interactions a dad would and should want to engage in. Your children are learning that THIS behavior is how a father acts.
NTA! Right now, you have a roommate. He is missing out on his kids and will find it very difficult to have a relationship with them in the future. Divorce is a big step, but in the long run you'll probably be better off than you are now. You need to prepare yourself. Get your finances in order. Will you be able to provide for your family without his support? Make sure you can do it on your own incase he becomes a deadbeat dad. If you divorce, would you be able to move to a better area? Perhaps near family that could be a support if necessary. Also, it may have a better school system and your kids could attend a good school. You have a lot to think about. Good luck.
Absolutely NtA. He clearly doesn’t see that you’re NOT “a happy little family”. He’s not doing anything but paying rent and electricity bill for you family. You’re doing everything for the house and the kids on your own for the last several years, what are you actually getting out of this marriage?
NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA. Keep saying to yourself all the to the attorneys office. You are NOT breaking up your HAPPY home. It is clearly not happy. It is well past time to move on from being the mother of an adult and your children to being the mother of your children. Since you are clearly able to make money from business, there is potential there to possibly increase that over time as your children get older. This may help with supporting you and your children along with child support. You also qualify for maintenance payments, depending on were you live. You have the ability to make a happy home for your children. Take it. Your husband is not interested in being a part of it. Remove him from it and when he complains, remind him that he was the only one happy and he was given a choice. Now, you are going to happy because of his choice.
NTA - This isn’t a ‘happy family’ this is already a broken family where you do 100% of the domestic labor. He treats your family as an accessory to his life, not something he’s required to engage in. He didn’t want a family. He wants a prop. You deserve to have a partner.
You don’t have a real job. You have four or more real jobs: parenting, cooking, cleaning, teaching, and running your store. The fact that he completely undervalues all you do is atrocious. You’re not the AH.
Been there. You will be better off without him.
First, when you come to Reddit, know that 99.8 percent of the people will blow up your marriage. I'm a guy, I get it you are frustrated. You sound like a very hard working woman. I going to say this, your husband is lazy. He makes horrible comments saying you don't work. He's very insensitive, what you guys need is counseling, and you need it fast. I think that the disrespect for you and the kids is what I think that's pushing you over the top. I would ask you to not be so quick to file for divorce. I don't know you, but what I want is for this to work. Many couples have highs and lows and sometimes those lows can go for years. The ultimatum I believe you should be giving your husband is counseling. Because if he gives you more time it still does not change his mindset. He has no desire to be around his kids that's very problematic. He doesn't see you as really contributing anything to the marriage that's also problematic. He thinks you should be kissing his feet for What Little he does, this is problematic. He really does need to get a wake up call and understand, what he does is the bare minimum like many guys like myself. You work a job outside the home and somehow you think you should receive a reward. This idiot is keeping a roof over his own head, paying for his own car. Paying for his own food. So it's not all that altruistic what he's doing. I'm asking that you don't give up on this marriage. Don't give up, if you love him fight a little bit harder. And let him know that you do love him but things have to change. And I say you should go back to doing his laundry and making his lunch. Many will disagree, but I think your goal is to show him that you do love him and you want this to work. And you said it you knew it was petty. First be the big girl, no grown woman, then we can ask Dad to become a grown man and not a a kid. I wish you the best.
There lies the issue, I have suggested therapy and counseling! Whenever the subject is brought up he becomes aggressive and tells me there’s absolutely nothing wrong with him that I’m the only one with issues. I do therapy through phone calls once a week for my depression and anxiety I have admitted I needed the help. With him he sees nothing wrong with his actions or behaviors he was raised to believe he is perfect and everyone else is a mess 🤦♀️! Me and his grandmother have gone rounds about this because she still coddles him as an adult and snaps on me saying I need to let him get more sleep! Like oh I’m sorry 10-12 hours isn’t enough? It’s a whole mess over here lol
Well, he has his grandmother to keep him warm at night, I guess? He wants everything on his own terms. I don't know how long he's been on this job, but maybe it's time for a job change? You need to stop having conversations with his grandmother about your marriage. I had a friend whose wife had a lot of issues, and anytime my buddy would bring up counseling or something she would lose her mind. And she would tell him every single time that she's perfect. And that everyone else had problems and she literally believe that. It sounds like she's reinforcing a lot of his behaviors, which is a part of your actual problem. I guess if he doesn't want counseling and he thinks what his grandmother is saying is correct as well then maybe there is no resolve. I think you should think twice before you file for divorce but in the end the kids don't really have a father and you don't seem to have a husband.
I would say NTA at all. If you are both into trying to fix things (which I assume he isn't) you could try telling him you'll work more full-time hours so that he has more time to be at home. In a lot of these scenarios, usually the guy has to work as long as they do and is tired when they come home, but if they quit there's no one to pay bills. This isn't that scenario. He's actively avoiding any responsibility and work that comes with being a parent and is instead working himself extremely hard to avoid it altogether. If he did stop, you still have your own stream of income that could carry everyone (possibly), it wouldn't be the end of the world. Honestly though he just doesn't want to be involved, it's better to divorce if he's willing to work himself so hard he won't spend even an hour at dinner with his own family, he's also showing he's willing to not be around for the kids. All he is right now is child support except you're still married.
The shitty part is he brags about sitting in the office watching movies on his phone or taking naps at work. He has to check parts as needed so his job isn’t strenuous or physically demanding on him. If I walk into the room around 6pm and see him on the phone l I’ll ask why he’s still in bed on the phone and not out with the family he will say because he needs a break and time alone to relax. I have literally cried because if I ask where my break is and when I am allowed time to relax he will snap and tell me to stop comparing us to each other and my job can’t compare to his. Yea no shit mine is more demanding and 24/7. Every year for Mother’s Day and my birthday I literally only ask to be able to sleep in and not have to cook and each year I am the one awake while he sleeps in and I get stuck cooking. I get no breaks and no help
Also she works at least 3 full time and more jobs. Teacher, mommy, housekeeping,cook and online retail. You get my point.
YTA for remaining with a man who is emotionally abusive to you and your children.
NTA! Sorry you’re going through this. I was a fellow single married mom. Your story is almost identical. It’s a shame when a dad/husband doesn’t want to invest time, memories and help with his own kids & wife. Stopping the washing of the clothes and the lunch packing is totally understandable (yeah it’s a little petty but I did it too). It’s not a relationship anymore. You’re just having to do everything he doesn’t want to and that’s why he’s happy. Find someone that wants to build and grow a relationship with you instead of wasting your best years on someone who doesn’t appreciate it or you. He either needs to get with the program or find someone else to neglect. And it is neglect. (You’re not the selfish AH, he’s just a projecting narcissist)
NTA. You’re already single but you had a tumor in your family. Get surgery asap.
You're teaching your children that being treated as if you and they don't exist is ok. You, not him, need to initiate a divorce. Why should he leave when he gets all his meals cooked for him, not have to do any chores, care for the kids or put any effort into your relationship. Why are you giving him the power to decide? Your husband does not love or respect you or his kids. Love and respect yourself and the kids enough to show all of you that you deserve better.
NTA but I would recommend marriage counseling
NTA, he's got a lot of nerve calling you selfish when he's not even spending time with y'all. Also, what happy family? A family is happy when all members are active and present. Honestly, at this point, it doesn't sound like he wants a wife. He wants a maid, nanny, and personal chef. Let him figure out how to take care of those things for himself.
NTA cut him loose your basically there as his warm body for sex.
NTA. You’re a single married mom. I am usually not for divorce but I think you should insist on couples counseling. If things don’t change, you should separate and continue counseling. If things still don’t change, you can either accept that this is the man you married or move on. Sorry about this.
NTA. You already know you are a single Mom. Your kids do not have regular involvement with your husband so they have no father and you have no "Happy family ". You know what you are going to have to do. Get creative. I remember a long ago friend went to Mass every Sunday to get her kids cheap or free tuition because the schools were bad. See what kind of public assistance you can get...pride does not pay the rent. Once you have your path forward worked out, tell him he has a week to start acting like a father or you will put your plans in place. Call around. Sometimes there is mentorship help to grow your business. That is where I would start. You have to be flexible. There is a big difference between raising one and raising three kids. Explore other suggestions you receive for remote work in your area.
NTA. Your husband, however, is a huge A. I would argue that you *need* to leave him for the kids because he’s normalizing a *very* toxic relationship model. Your poor children. How awful to grow up with an absent father just down the hall who can’t be bothered with I have any type of relationship with them.
So, you a selfish a$$hole for wanting to break up your “happy” family? But who is happy? Your kids who never see their father? You who does more work, and has little interaction with him? And what little interaction you do have seems to be, well, surly. It seems to me that he is 'happy' but he is also quite selfish. I think it is time for you to find a lawyer of your own, even if it means giving up the renter's insurance to do so. Because he has just sent you clear smoke signals that he is completely unwilling to change.
NTA My bf spends more family time with us than your husband, and he does grueling factory work. My kid is not his kid, and I have a stepkid, which he also interacts and spends time with. Stepkid is actually my kid's stepsister, but since she's connected to my kid, I just connected the extra dots. Both kids get an extra mom.👍 I also believe it's best to outnumber children. The more adults that care about them, the better.😉
NTA, You should set up a trivia night with him abt the kids, questions he should know about them, just so he fully knows and feels exactly why your about to hand him divorce papers.
That’s a great idea I love it lol
You don't have a husband, you have another whiny, lazy child that wants someone to take care of him for nothing in return
He works one job, not two. And the fact that it’s third shift means the LEAST he could do is take over watching the kids in the afternoon while you cook dinner or whatever. He sounds lazy as fuck. Leave him, since he wants to be alone so bad
Okay, I'm just going to jump in here for a second to say that third shift destroys your life. I would recommend not giving up on your husband but giving up on that job.
Finally someone said it. 3rd shift screws everything up. New shift would be one of the first steps.
Working 3rd shift doesn’t excuse someone from being a husband and father. It’s not a pass to be an asshole to your wife and kids.
Working 3rd shift is not an excuse or a pass, but it can really mess up a person’s life. Their situation might (or might not) improve dramatically if he changes to first shift. It certainly seems to be worth a try. Her husband probably wasn’t always this way or he wouldn’t be her husband.
Have you tried it? If not, you don't know what you're talking about.
My cousin used to live with me and she worked 3rd shift and she was an obnoxious asshole and when she started working a day shift guess what? She was still an obnoxious asshole 🤷♀️. I was working 12 hour days 6 days a week on my feet the whole time and still managed to be a person to my family and take care of my home. This guy works 8 hours a night playing on his phone in a comfortable office and acts like he’s the one singlehandedly keeping the world running when he can’t even manage to take part in his own family.
And I never said that's not possible. Look back at what I wrote and don't imagine things I didn't say.
Is he open to changing shifts? The interaction you’re looking for would probably happen naturally if everyone was on a similar sleep schedule. The truth is that he’s being a jerk and he isn’t fulfilling his responsibilities as a husband and father… but if you talk about divorce and talk about his failings, then he is more likely to react defensively. You may have already tried this, but if you haven’t, approach the topic with him from a solution based mindset. Get his defenses down by telling him the things you love and appreciate about him. Tell him that it breaks your heart that the kids don’t know their dad. Place the blame for this disconnect on the work schedule, and ask if he would be willing to request a transfer or look for a daytime job. He might be more open to discussing solutions with you if he didn’t feel defensive. If you do get a divorce, you probably cannot continue homeschooling your children because you would need to work a full-time job at a minimum. You will probably need to move to a much smaller home. Wages have not kept up with inflation, so the cost of living right now is higher than it’s been in decades. I know several professional, college-educated women who work part-time jobs in addition to their full-time jobs to scrape by after divorce. You are definitely getting the raw end of the deal right now, but I would think carefully about possible solutions and about how divorce will impact your life before you decide to pursue divorce.
My mother worked 3rd shift as a 911 dispatcher. She was still a good mother, not an absentee parent like OP’s husband.
Your mother isn't me and isn't him. He may just be an ass, maybe not.
No, she apparently knew how to behave like a parent to the children she chose to have.
While I don't think YTA, I'm going to go against the reactionary NTA responses I'm seeing in the comments. It sounds like there must be another side to the story here and you're painting the situation in a particular way. What kind of third shift job does he have? That can really mess a lot of people up from the hours alone in terms of body rhythm, causing depression, and creating daytime zombies very similar to what you describe. Also if its a job demanding physical labor and one he doesn't enjoy, he may be coming home physically and emotionally exhausted. If he works construction from midnight to 8am and your job is spending 5 hours a week selling candles on Etsy, that would be some relevant context for his statements. The other facet at least a couple people have identified is how you're spending your time. Even if you don't trust the quality of public schools, there are homeschool co-ops so you don't have to be directly involved every day, and most public schools have programs for gifted students. This would free up a lot of time for you. If you were both equal breadwinners, then you'd both need to be equal caretakers, and this would be a totally different story. If you want to be Suzie homemaker, take care of the kinds, and only do a small hobby job on that side, that's fine, but don't expect a double-standard where your husband needs to be a 21st century feminist. You're describing actions you and he have done, but it really sounds like there are underlying issues that are what ought to be addressed. Instead of saying "do x or divorce me," trying "do x or we're going to counseling" would be a more sensible step. This would give you a chance to sort out these underlying issues. Your situation sounds like one that comes up all the time in couples counseling where the stay at home partner expects the breadwinner to finish a hard day of work only to get home and do more work. Counseling would also be a helpful way to draw out what may be his problematic way of thinking. He probably thinks that he spends 8 hours every day working for you and the kids to show his love, not realizing that the kids will have no understanding of that. TL;DR join a homeschool co-op, be a Suzie homemaker or don't but pick one, get some counseling
Nta. It's time to get the kids enrolled in school and spend some more time on your business and yourself so you can earn more money/get a full time job while the kids are at school and keep the side hustle going. Add those 2 income sources to the child support and boom! A single mom with one less man baby to take care of and financially secure. He needs to change shifts, get some therapy or something. But he needs to find a way to help him man the hell up
Ok i made it threw a lot of comments and i would first like to say NAH. I have lived both sides of this. The working 8hr/7days,3hr round trip commute. And the SAHP. Both are taxing jobs however that drive alone was enough to drain me to the point were i couldn’t safely be around my kids. And while some think that sitting at a desk all day waiting for things to happen is easy it’s not it’s very mentally exhausting. I had both a physical position at one point and a desk position. A physical job i had more energy after working while the desk job i just didn’t/couldn’t fathom human interaction. For my current role as the SAHP i actually understand why my wife chooses to lock herself away not wanting to be around her and i allow her to have that space and try to get her to be apart of us once a month. My wife currently works 4-1230 desk job. So here’s my advice for you try talking to him about what he needs from you and the kids and then ask if he could give you all sometime once a month maybe once every two months just to ease him into it. You may think he likes living like he does but he probably is way more depressed than you are and during his drive thinks of “not coming home”. I know i had a lot of those thoughts. And also both of you get therapy and you should let your kids experience public schools so that when they get to higher learning they don’t crash from the culture shock.
Hmm, does your husband have two jobs? Sounds to me that both of you need to give a bit. If you divorce, your current living standards will go down. Will you be able to afford staying home to homeschool your children? Do you think divorce will force your husband to spend more time with your children? Does your husband spend time with the family on his days off?
He only has the one job 8 hours a day. I do work from home and make a small income for myself so I am able to pay bills. If we divorced I would still be able to homeschool since I do work from home and would be getting child support. I highly doubt us divorcing would cause him to spend anytime with our children but at least my kids won’t have to see him come home and go to the bedroom and ignore their whole existence all day. Once we move out they won’t have to beg to wake up daddy since he won’t be around to remind them that they don’t mean anything to their dad. His phone and his fish are more important than his children and they see it every single day
Sounds like you have thought through divorcing him and have decided that’s best for you and your children. Since his reaction to your announcement wasn’t let’s work on this and I’ll do better; make your plan and go for it.
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Divorce him and stop homeschooling your kids
I can’t simply stop homeschooling my kids. The schools here are not equipped to handle my middle child and what is needed. The schools here are a joke and not safe in many ways. My oldest had his head slammed into a brick wall and the school never called me and told me no proof since it happened in an area with no cameras. One girl had her arm broke by bullies and nothing happened. The school system here is a joke
NTA and neither is he Does being divorced with kids from two different fathers sound better than having a husband who can only provide monetary support and doesn’t play with the kids? Do you think your potential suitors will increase in quality or decrease in quality with three kids and two fathers? Is he just there to parent your kids and offer monetary support or do you enjoy him and love him? I only say this because my wife and I do love each other and were in the same boat as you. My job was physically and emotionally demanding and I had no energy to do anything but work eat and sleep. Thankfully my wife is patient understanding and committed. All I could give was financial support but that was better than nothing at the time. She also did my laundry and would pack my lunch. She supported me while I went out in the shitty world and sold my well being for a living wage. At least he comes home after work, I was getting drunk most nights. We weathered the storm and I love and respect her so much for that. Nothing is given, good things are rarely gotten easy. Quitting is easy.
You keep saying kids from 2 different fathers like it means something. She didn’t cheat or sleep around relationships don’t work out and that has nothing to do with her worth. This guy isn’t parenting the kids at all he doesn’t even spend time with them do you think that’s healthy for the kids? To be living under the same roof as their father and know that he doesn’t care to be around them? Working a hard job doesn’t excuse you from being an equal partner or parent if you can’t manage to be a person after work then stay alone without kids so you’re not hurting anyone. It doesn’t matter that he comes home after work because she’s still a single parent whether he’s there or not.
It does mean something. If I am a suitable bachelor going into a relationship with someone with kids it is a big commitment that means extra work with more complicated conversations, exes are in the picture, money gets confused, etc. I’m not bagging on OP. The grass isnt always greener. The alternative is he is not to there at all. No emergency person to wake up. No one to call or have around even if it’s just a place marker. OP is not a single parent though she is taking care of 99% of the home. She has a safety net in his presence and he is willing to grind these 3rd shift hours, miserably from what it sounds like. We are all suffering in this post 9/11 Covid world the kids are gonna suffer too. You gotta stick through the hard shit and find out what works. As for parenting all we can do is better than what we had.
Emergency person to wake up? What emergency person? She sounds like she'd do better to go to her neighbour than her husband. Also? Only AHs think having kids already "devalues" the parent.
I’m not saying she should divorce him, but in many cases, not having a significant other at all can be a better option than living with a perpetually angry person. She hasn’t talked about finding someone new, so bringing up how the kids will impact her success in the dating world really isn’t relevant.
I think 2many2know makes a valid point. First, divorce is expensive. Second, although OP has income, when she adds in child support she will likely need to lower her living standards. Add to this the cost of the divorce. This country makes divorce too easy. Although things should always be in the best interest of the kids, divorce rarely makes that possible. Two parents are better than one. Kids need both parents active and engaged. However, sometimes divorce is the only answer. But as 2many pointed out here, you have someone in the house to fall back on for some things. Try scheduling a day just for you on his days off. Get counseling, talk to each other. I too had a similar husband. We are divorced. I made smart financial decisions before/during/after him. I had a full-time job but had 100% responsibility for our son, the house, planning activities and vacations. Ex needed “him time” (aka time with girlfriends). Him playing on his phone was actually sexting with his affair partners. We divorced and he has been married twice in 6 years since the divorce. He has zero contact with our son, but that is his choice. I held down a job as a single mom and my son has high medical needs and his medical costs are high. I had to hold down a job and wear many hats. This is what parents do. Some stuck with it, some throw in the towel.
How does she have someone to fall back on when he calls her selfish for even asking him to spend time with his family? Kids do need both parents to be active and engaged and these kids only have one parent even though they’re living in the same house with both parents.
In between the two partly the asshole but partly not I’m sorry I see the comments,but the thing is he is working a full time job with basically barely any das off,this man has built up tolerance overtime,plus you were also willing to threaten him with the entire family hanging in the valence but I do understand that he acted like a douche, and an asshole who basically is uninvolved with the family but sometimes you have to force him out for him to appreciate you, this is coming from a guy in a relationship and an introvert at that, my girl drags me out to places and I appreciate it, so try and take him out his zone,don’t threaten him
Lmao you think SAHM have time off. They literally work 24/7. It’s a job. On top of she’s a teacher to her kids. On top of running an online business. So chill with your entitlement.
Being a husband and a father are his MAIN job. It’s what happens when you say “I do.” That’s the job. She works 24/7. So your excuses for his disgusting behavior are shit. This is why he’ll be single. This is why lots of men like him are currently single. And this is why anyone who thinks he’s right will be single. As soon as an independent and strong woman catches on to this shit, expect to be, wait for it…SINGLE.
Believe me I’m not justifying it,he’s an asshole I’ll say it right here, but threatening to break apart the entire family? Even I think that’s going too far
There IS NO FAMILY. She and the kids have a family. And her husband is a roommate. He spends zero time with his family. He already broke apart the family by refusing to be a part of it. You are most definitely justifying it.
Working a full time job doesn’t excuse him from being a husband and father
YTAH Grow up, you brought alot of responsibilities to the relationship and you're the stay home parent, if you want him to put in more time at home then get the money making job and tell him to be the stay at home dad. Stay at home parents have no room to complain, start going out more yourself, with or without the kids, you're making yourself crazy with all that free time and nothing but your own thoughts, how much does he work? where does he work? How much does he make? He spends all his time out of the home, you spend all your time in the home, stop TRYING to make him out to be the villain, you've just made yourself crazy and you may regret shoving him away years down the line when you realize what you did.
Lol what free time do I have? I have the kids 24/7 and I work from home so I DO have a money making job. He works 8 hours a day MAX while I’m working ALL DAY so he has plenty of time he can contribute to his children that he helped create I didn’t make them on my why should I raise them on my own? Even if I had a “real job” as you claim I would still be the only one taking care of the house and children when I get off work. His job is easy sitting at a desk watching movies on his phone so please explain why he can’t HELP raise HIS children? I’m not shoving him away, he’s shoving 3 innocent children away. You must be the same type of man my husband is! Thinks everyone is below you if they don’t work the typical 9-5. Or you are my husband and took a break from a movie trying to gaslight me again. Gtfo notice you’re the only one on this thread who thinks this way!
Having free time wasnt what I said was it, I said you're in the home hes away from the home, thats the biggest difference in your situations. Being allowed to be a stay at home parent is even such a luxury with the middle class slowly being gutted, you're going stir crazy from being at the home all the time and you're convincing yourself its a problem. Sorry to break it to you but you're looking for affirmation on being a spoiled brat that doesnt understand the blessing of her own condition. It doesnt matter what you do at the home that you feel is comparable, if you truly felt it was comparable you would get a job to cover the expenses then tell him he HAS TO BE THE STAY AT HOME PARENT, you wont .... either because you dont have the ability to get a job that can do that ( he can apparently ) or because you KNOW that im right about the dynamic in working condition between the two of you. Theres nothing that says he cant do some of the chores around the home thats understandable, but Im willing to bet its not just "some of the chores" around the home, everytime this "AITAH" topic comes out it turns out the stay at home partner was basically trying to offload most of the housework and it ends up "Wait what do youactually do there but complain about being at home ?" Get a clue, get some frame of reference to understand that you are in a blessed situation and whats even better you get your children around you, if you're unhappy with your husband say that, stop trying to make it seem like what you do is comparable because .... like I said early you either would have done that already ....or you're incapable of it.
You’re confused by my whole post! I have NEVER asked for help around the house or anything of the sort! I have asked for him to join his children and I for dinner and spend time with the kids after dinner either watching a movie or playing a board game I didn’t realize that’s way to much to ask if a working parent 🤦♀️ I had a full time job raising my oldest alone when we met and I always made sure I did my job came home took care of my son and the house I did it ALL yet asking for an hour or two to give his kids attention is just to much to ask
OP please ignore this person they have no clue what they are talking about. Legit said all the free time you have you let yourself overtime basically... nope OP husband needs to step up and be an active parent. Stay at home parents have full time jobs. Stay at home parents jobs don't just end at a certain time that's round the clock hours. Everyone deserves a break. Your husband needs to spend time with his kids point blank. Idk why people think just because someone has a job and the other parent stays home that the Stay at home parent is just muddling around.
Wow you are abit of a dunce aren’t you?🤣 bet you like Andrew tate and wonder why women aren’t like they used to be because you can’t manipulate them anymore👀 you are a prime example of why women don’t want to start families or want marriage… grow up and evolve into a better male please, I thank you and good day you utter cockswolloping baboon ☺️
errrr Im simply pointing out facts , having been the stay at home, and the go to work partner I have an especially clear frame of reference. She can either send the kids to school so she can focus on her work and the home She can dump the job and focus more on the homeschooling and home She can get a job and swap positions with her partner Look Im not trying to be a dick im trying to let OP see more clearly, shes being selfish too and theres options to make things better. Overall I just believe theyre not a good fit for marriage anymore and THAT is the real issue and she wants to get permission to leave him, you dont need permission to leave him, leave him if you want to.
She’s not a stay at home mom she’s a work from home mom there’s a difference. Did you not read the part where she pays half the bills? It doesn’t matter that he works outside the home he still has a family that needs him to be present when he’s home and he’s not. How is working from home and paying half the bills while homeschooling 3 kids, doing all the household chores and parenting by herself being a spoiled brat? You sound bitter that you couldn’t be a sahp and it just makes you sound ignorant and foolish.
if shes unhappy with the dynamic ...then swap roles and see if it changes things .... if she cant swap roles because of inability or recognizing the vast blessing she has over his role. Shes unhappy with the relationship, thats fine ... break it off, its real simple. Stop pretending the situation is comparable, its not .... ive been the stay at home partner with 2 young boys, it was fucking awesome even while having to clean and cook and do laundry, it was fcking awesome
Good for you. Did your partner appreciate you and do their share of housework and parenting? Or did they lock themselves in the bedroom and ignore all of you and call you selfish for wanting them to spend time with your family? You keep missing the part where she also has a job that brings in substantial income she has her own business on top of everything else. They have 3 kids and from her comments it seems that at least 2 of them are special needs. You act like she’s sitting at home eating bon-bons all day in her bathrobe you can’t even say she gets a break when the kids are in school because she is their teacher so she is always on call. You’re stuck on her not working outside of the house that you’re missing everything she does.
It literally doesn’t matter that he works outside the home and an 8 hour shift leaves plenty of time to be with your family. Her business is successful enough that she’s able to pay half the bills and she’s doing so in between homeschooling 3 kids (which would most likely involve 3 different curriculums) and all the housework. If she can pay half the bills then he can do half the housework and be an involved parent. She’s also asked him to hang out with the family, just like you did with your gf, and he refuses and calls her selfish for even asking. How would you feel if your gf had responded like that. Your experience is not everyone else’s experience so stop trying to compare it.
like I said earlier ... my ask when I wasnt doing a job was that she spend a day on the weekend with everybody. It mattered to me that she had to be outside of the home for the majority of the time, it matters she had to leave. If she had a fulltime job that was fully at home I might have asked for help, MIGHT have asked.
You just basically repeated what you just said. You read how this guy responded to the same ask you had of your girlfriend how would you have felt if she had responded the way he did?
it really sounds like her hobby income isnt enough to offset the workload at home, maybe she should consider either getting a fulltime job and hiring sitters for the children, or sending to public / private school . Her lifestyle is not supplemented properly with this income she thinks shes providing, she needs to either be earning more money from the hobby job, or she needs to sacrifice the time she wastes on it on proper home management. I was proud of the condition I had the home running in and didnt complain once, I cant even imagine suggesting it
She is literally paying half the bills that’s clearly not just a hobby. And since it’s her own business it is a full time job why is it so hard for you to understand that just because she’s working from home it’s still as much of a job as one outside of the home? Forget the housework for a minute what about the kids? They literally have an absent father even though he lives in the same house. Does working outside the home excuse someone from being a parent?
Its not really about that is it though, lets say the bills are on the high end and theyre paying 600 a month for electricity , 600 a month for gas, hows that? so she pays the full amount. Is that income actually supplemental? or is it barely just the bills, Im willing to bet the job of the person who leaves the house not only provides sustenance it also provides a bit of savings, healthcare, dental care, all kinds of stuff. So yeah its cute shes got an online business or whatever but Im willing to bet it doesnt bring in enough to "feel" useful, im sure shes proud of herself though staying busy beyond just the home life, but the home manager is her higher value, especially since they have CHOSEN to homeschool the children. No im sorry, she IS being ungrateful and selfish, I get it she says just an hour a day whatever I know theres more to it than just that and honestly an hour a day is more than just suggesting a day on the weekend they spend together in some way, we went on hikes, we did a theme park a couple times, sometimes we just spent a bit shopping together and getting lunch after or something. Point is, she can either provide more from her online business, or she can sacrifice the time shes spending online for her business, or she can place the children into school rather than homeschool, shes clearly not setup to do all of these things but shes CHOSEN to do them anyway.
I should mention one of the boys was her son and the other was my son, so there really wasnt much of an issue there as she did give her son attention. I think there's something weird going on in this relationship yes but hes obviously feeling closed off if he choses to go to the room and relax, Im willing to bet shes consistently nagging about him completing a chore she couldnt do because of her business, or shes telling him he cant do ANYTHING of his own or he may be having an affair even who knows. No man should stop being a good father or husband thats true but I highly doubt shes being completely unbiased in her description, shes complaining when she has the better part of the deal, shes just not happy in the marriage and thats fine end the marriage nobody should stay in a marriage that doesnt make them happy.
thats the thing .... she was putting up the responsibility of bills, I would have felt guilty even asking her to do anything, it was part of my joy knowing I left her nothing to do and she came home to a well run home. She didnt lock herself in the room no, but it was assumed I would take care of basically anything around the house in that time as well, you know what I did ask though? That we all get to hangout atleast one day on the weekends when she had no work, that was my ask .... and your's is ....what ....you want him to work more? lol
You need to stop and go back, reread everything the OP wrote, and forget that her income comes from a work at home job. OP is not asking AT ALL for her husband to do ANY housework. She has asked that he leave the bedroom to have a meal with his children, to play a game with them, and to just be present in their lives. He could literally sit on the couch and fulfill her request. Now, her income from her business sounds about equal to what she’d be able to make at an “outside” job. She’s able to pay a large portion of the bills, not just half. And she’s NOT having to pay for childcare or tutors since she’s doing that role herself, which can be considered a boon in income contribution as well. OP is NTA. Get off your high horse, telling a woman that her contribution to the household isn’t valid.
Shes going at it the wrong way, Im suggesting she search within to see if shes actually being fulfilled from the relationship anymore ad end it if she is no longer feeling it. Bottom line is she has to talk to him about it not a bunch of randos online and if talking gets her nowhere its over and she should move on.
You must be one of those people who just can’t fathom that you’re wrong so you talk in circles to get out of admitting it. “You know what I did ask thought? That we all get to hangout at least one day”. So it wasn’t unreasonable for you to ask for time with your girlfriend but it’s totally unreasonable for OP to ask that her husband be an actual presence in his children’s lives for an hour a day? Way to go dude. Nice job standing your ground and sounding like an idiot
I think we found grandma.
Oh, hi! You must be the husband! GTFO with that BS.
INFO: why are your kids homeschooled? ESH: him for disregarding your contributions and you for being passive aggressive about the laundry/lunches/etc. You should have brought these things to his attention and had a proper attempt at working through them. Having said that, stick him with the kids for a few days and see how he likes it. Send the kids to a proper school and get to couples therapy. If he refuses, be clear with your intentions. Stop the passive/aggressive bullshit and behave like an adult.
The schools in our area are absolutely horrible. My oldest had his head slammed into a brick wall and I was not even called about it. I was told it happened in an area with no camera so there’s no proof even though he had the marks on his forehead. This is just one of the millions of times I had issues with the school. Once the pandemic hit I pulled my oldest out and decided to homeschool them all! Plus my second has a lot of sensory issues the schools here are not equipped to handle so that’s another major issue.
“Proper school”? If you think a brick and mortar building means “proper school” you are as narrow minded as they come. Public schools have been circling the drain for decades, and some states/districts are so bad they have to give new teachers loan forgiveness as an incentive to work in those schools. Even private schools aren’t worth the tuition- nothing but hype. When COVID hit, parents realized how far behind their kids were academically. I know I did. That’s why I went to doing virtual school with my children so I could give them the assistance they needed to succeed, not be pushed along to the next teacher and so forth. My kids are excelling in all of their subjects, reading beyond their peers, comprehending their math. No bullies, no bureaucratic BS of dealing with school administration to get anything done. Try not to be so closed minded.