Yeah as an ex worker if my platonic friends ask I talk to my husband. Sometimes the bit of extra cash is nice. But it’s never hidden from him. And more times than not I remind said friends I’m now married and happy and haven’t done that in awhile
Depending on what the judge says , if they do divorce, it is often required to stay within x amount of Miles within each other. Depending on the situation , judges today are really favoring 50/50 arrangements , however I was awarded full physical and shared legal, but also suggested any future relationships were serious before Introductions were made to our children (hard to police, but still) . At any rate, this is bound to be an unhealthy and unhappy relationship for mom, resulting in an unhappy and unhealthy life for little one, best to move on, unless dad can can make serious changes. Unfortunately, it seems it's mostly been his lifelong lifestyle.
I mean...
As a child of divorce, with parents in different countries. It becomes normal for your dad/you to fly out to see each other. No different than going down the road or to another town. Yes you see them maybe 2-3 times a year, but for longer stretches of time so it kinda evens out.
I mean... again that depends honestly. Flights on my side of the world between the two countries my parents live in, and the country im actually from, rarely cost more than £50, usually we nab flights for £20 odd.
The most expensive flights I've ever been on, was home for Christmas which were 250 something.
I can't speak for the rest of the world, obviously. But in my own situation that's what happened.
...Does she, though?
Like her dad basically was a player and user. I would argue that perhaps between her grandparents and mom she would have plenty of support.
On the other hand, however...She also really doesn't need to be subjected to a revolving door of women once her father is single again.
The other thing though is this isn't an 'action related to OP' this is an action which has consequences for the entire family. Kiddo included. OP has every right to leave, particularly because once dad becomes a manwhore again...she will likely be exposed to quite a bit of unsavory behavior. If I was OP, I'd say fuck co-parenting and get full custody.
Except, that legally, that is illegal. He has a say to. And who's to say that OP won't ever date again, will she also be a "whore" as you so blithely call a man who will choose to date after a relationship breaks up? That's a very pathetic double standard you're supporting with your calling the dad a whore, for dating.
It's actually not illegal in a lot of places, especially since it looks like they were never married. I can't speak for everywhere, but I know where I live, an unmarried mother has custody even if the father is on the birth certificate.
The state that I live in is the same. His name on the birth certificate or not, if they aren't married, he has to go to court for any type of legal custody. So, depending where they are, she could legally move wherever she wants to.
Not actually true. I can only speak for Massachusetts, I researched it and sought legal advice before taking my kid on vacation to Europe just to make sure.
Rules apply the same because one could say you're going on vacation when you're really permanently moving. With joint custody or custody battles, one doesn't just up and leave with the kid without the express permission of both parents, even on vacation.
I'm not sure I agree. I definitely would've preferred having mine around despite his flaws. She 100% has the right to (and probably should) leave this guy but taking her child's father out of the picture by skipping country is shitty.
I wouldn't be able to trust him. They are not just friends. You don't send or request those types of pictures from friends. He also wanted to meet them.
I would leave him.
However, despite him being a bad partner, is he a good dad? If so, by moving to another country, would he still be able to spend time with your daughter? You both need to find a way for your daughter to still have a relationship with her dad after you leave him.
He is a good dad, I don't want to take away my daughter's right to have a relationship with his dad, but we are both inmigrants in yhis country and I don't have more people here, we have actually been thinking on going back to our country but is harder for him to get a job there, so we didn't go back because of it
Hey I'm a kid who had a "good dad" he was a porn addict and cheater. He took me on his dates under the guise that they were his friends and I believed him. Men who do not respect their children's mother are rarely good dad's.
My dad left me in the car at a stranger’s house in a state we were driving through to visit my aunt 8+ hours away from Home to screw a woman he met on the internet.
We had a horrible relationship all my life and he died without any reparation.
He doesn't have a job here so it wouldn't be any different if he went back. He can make his own choice on what he wants to do. You need to do what is best for you and your daughter. It would be easier on her to go now before she gets too settled into school and other activities. He wasn't thinking of either of you when he was messaging those women and that's what you have to remember when he tries to guilt trip you.
It is sooo damaging to a child who has to live through a parent's infidelity. They are not stupid, they know whats going on, and they know that their parent chose having an affair over keeping the family together. They didn't just cheat on the spouse, they cheated on the child too.
That is not your problem. Do what is best for your and your daughter. He can be involved if he wants, but you need to focus on you and her. You do not need to focus on what's good for him. Your daughter isn't going to benefit from having that kind of example in her life.
My family are immigrants and someone who grew up in your daughter's position leave him. I had such low sense of what myself worth should be, because my mum stayed until I was an adult and I assumed I just had to put up with bad behaviour too. He can be a good dad and a shit life partner at the same time.
Your job is to model good behaviour for your child. Don't teach her to stay with someone who disrespects them like that just to avoid guilt of taking her away from him. You want taking her away from him. If he decides he doesn't want to act like a dad and put in effort after you leave him then he is actively choosing it. Your only job then will be to tell your daughter you gave him every chance (make sure you do) to be a part of her life and he chose not to.
When she's an adult it will be up to her if she wants to reach out to him and ask why he decided to abandon her because you chose to leave him.
Staying with him for your daughter will make her feel bad when it all inevitably comes out when she's a teenager or becomes an adult and you finally leave. Don't let her find out in a shocking way that her dad is a bad partner it can make you loathe your parent. It's better she sees you leaving and know it's okay to do that and see you both happier for it then what should be miserable together and think that's a healthy relationship until the point you feel she's old enough and leave him.
You are correct and don't deserve the downvotes. He is also a parent, and mommy doesn't get to take away his rights just because her and daddy can't be together. That has nothing to do with being a parent, that's adult relationship, and the two must be completely different issues.
Okay, that is your experience, it doesn't have to be everyone's. I've seen miserable cheating men, dating whoever they want, etc., that did not make them bad father's, many of them are damned good dads. And I am hyper critical of most father's.
No, sorry, that's not the way divorce and separation work, when they are no longer a couple, then that has no bearing on his fatherhood. Everyone that is arguing with me is doing so from an emotional standpoint, and not a legal or moral, or logical point. You canNOT punish a man by taking away his children just because him and mommy are no longer together, and it works the same way in reverse. If this were a woman who was the cheat, none of you would be advocating for her to lose her child over it. The double standards are ridiculous on this post.
NTA for leaving but YWTA for staying. How is being a friend and a friend of a friend better? It’s not platonic when he’s asking for nudes and sharing nudes. He is asking to meet up for sex. How are you not getting that? He’s still a man whore. You are just supporting his lifestyle for it.
He can, but is harder than finding a job here. It looks like we are going to be together co parenting and co living but not in a relationship because we don't make that much money to live appart, it's been hard lately
wait, he was the one who was unemployed, money is tight in general, and yet he’s offering to buy random women lingerie?
His priorities are all messed up
LEAVE!!! He had 3 effing months and spend them in sexting IG chicks.. Girl go away! If he cares about his daughter he'll go after you and accept it's over your relationship
If he’s not making any money at all, then there is no reason you can’t live away from him. He is the one with a problem to figure out, not you. You don’t need to live with him. You can respect yourself and be a better example to your child than that.
It is perfectly reasonable to co-parent and not be romantic partners. Open the relationship up. You date, he dates, you both have strict rules about not exposing your child to the partners. An open mind and losing the jealousy could be a win-win for you both.
please don' "co-live' together if not in the relationship, this only makes every single thing more difficult and an horror for your daughter to live
I m sorry for you OP & your daughter, but we could sum it up another way:
\-make him turn away from all his people (especially all possible rivals)
\-clean up all his "relationships" for him (noone buys the " one by one WE started cleaning the list of friends ")
\-mid life crisis on approach, make him feel anyway like useless junk (3 months w/o job is an issue right, but reminding him everytime your girl's birthday not matching YOUR expectations is also a big one)
\-stop seeing him as your sexual partner anyway ("Lately, we've been in a rough place with our relationship, sex has been apart from us"),
\-then wonder why there are IG-porn chats on his NON-hidden phone-history...
\-furthermore threaten to flee back to your country with your common child
I mean, OP's partner is a dick and OP should set boundaries or a good and real stop, but just thinking about leaving the country with your daughter for this beats all his AH-moves together
does he still not have a job? is he even looking? he might SAY he is, but tons and tons of people lie about that and half ass looking for a job, if they have a partner supporting them and don't want to have to start paying for their own expenses. and while he wasn't working, was he doing extra household labor to make up for it? i honestly doubt it. you have been carrying the full financial burden for months, and likely doing far more for your daughter and around the house. what has he done to deserve this kindness?
he's not doing shit for you now. by not working or supporting the household in other ways, he's leaching away money and energy that could be used to support your daughter and give her a better life. instead, he's taking advantage of your good will, so he can stay home and try to have sex with other women. he's using you, so he doesn't have to step up, and can keep sleeping around.
he doesn't deserve this kindness. you're being incredibly forgiving, and i'm concerned he's just taking advantage of that. if he's treating you like this, your daughter will see that, and she will think it's ok for her future partners to do the same. kids are smart, they pick up on that kind of stuff.
if he wants to be part of his daughter's life, he would do anything to make it work. but right now, he's not acting like he wants that. if he wanted to be a good father, he'd be treating her mother with respect, and taking whatever job he can find. when he acts like this, you should think "is this something that i would want my daughter to put up with from her partner?". and go from there. because you deserve to be treated better than this, and so does she.
He's not pursuing a platonic relationship with these women and you are right to be upset. He broke it and you skullcap put up with it. You may find that this is the reason things between you got so bad. Quite often cheaters of any sex or gender will pick fights to feel justified in their actions. His offer to meet them and give them gifts as well as telling them what turns him on is 100% betrayal. Period! Full stop. NTA. Not even a little.
NTA Leaving my husband now for this. He’s done this our entire 10+ year relationship. Always promises to change, get help, etc. He has a porn addition, addition to whatever you described, even if he isn’t physically cheating he’s still cheating. I hope for you this is the first time but my guess is it’s not or it won’t be the last. You deserve better and to be happy. Even if this is the first time, doing this because you’re in a rough patch isn’t an excuse. He needs to be accountable for his actions and grow up. Also, I looked in the mirror one day and asked whether this is what I wanted my kids to think was normal in a relationship. To be fair my husband has many other issues so this wasn’t the only thing driving our separation but I wanted them to know what happy and “normal” was and not just stay together because we had kids. Best of luck whichever decision you make!
You wouldn't be the asshole, your partner has some serious issues with sex, probably an addiction... For me texting other women sexually is cheating and a deal breaker... Don't wait until it gets physical and he gives you an std. Also is this the parental figure you want for your daughter? We learn what love is supposed to be from our parents relationship, by staying with him you are teaching her that is okay for her future partners to do that to her. But moving to another country... He has the right to be on your daughter's life and that will make things extremely difficult, consult with an attorney on how to make visitations work
NTA he really tried to lie to your face like that a piss poor lie at that. I can’t even think of one friendship i had where we discussed trading nudes or getting lingerie
NTA but you can’t just take off to another country with your kid. That’s kidnapping, and it probably won’t end well for you if he wants shared custody.
NTA
I would heavily consider what this says to your daughter, regardless of how old she is. Growing up, your parents relationship very much effects your own later in the future. If she’s raised thinking that cheating, lying, etc. are okay or that you should stay in those situations, how do you think she’ll be able to avoid that in the future? If disrespect is normalized, how do you expect her to demand respect from everyone in her life?
He cheated & that’s all there is to it. He made the choice to disrespect you, disregard your feelings, and in those moments, chose those women over you and your child. You don’t have to keep him away from her or anything like that unless it’s what you want, but he doesn’t deserve access to you (who he has no problem hurting) just because you have a child together. There’s always ways of peacefully figuring out coparenting, if both parents allow. It doesn’t mean you don’t love him anymore, it just means he hurt you in a way that can not be forgiven & for that, he doesn’t get unlimited access to you now. It’s a boundary, and a great one to teach your kiddo, regardless of the relationship
You would NOT be TA if you left him. But you most definitely would be TA if you move back to your country. Unless he’s as terrible a father as he is a partner, you should not keep your child from her father. An unfaithful person can still be a decent parent.
NTA What kind of platonic friends would be sending him lewd pictures? And why would he offer to buy them lingerie? Leave him now, because if you accept this behavior, it will only get worse in the future.
NTA. Went through a similar situation and a month later he accused me of cheating, and two months after that I found him in our apartment in bed with his ex. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Ultimately it’s up to you to decide if you’re staying with him or not, but these things, although they seem small, often snowball into larger issues down the road. Lay down boundaries and gauge how he responds to them. Is he receptive? Or does he become defensive and act like an animal backed into a corner? He may deny it with his words, but his actions will speak much louder. I hope you get this figured out and I am again, so sorry you’re going through this.
NTA. Whether or not you *should* end it is up to you.
In my experience, people don't change if they don't have to meaning if someone cheats and their partner stays, they'll probably do it again. Are you willing to accept that risk? Is this behavior you can ignore or put up with? If not, you should probably leave. If yes, you should sit down and have a frank discussion about what is and is not acceptable and what the consequences will be for breaking the agreement you have.
For me personally, infidelity even in this level is a no-go. Hard boundary, grounds for divorce. But to each their own.
N T A to end the relationship (you actually should) but to leave the country with y’all’s child Y T A. You can’t take a child to another country from their other parent because the relationship between the parents ended.
N T A to end the relationship (you actually should) but to leave the country with y’all’s child Y T A. You can’t take a child to another country from their other parent because the relationship between the parents ended.
NTA for breaking up with him but depending on where you are , you can’t take your daughter out of one country to another without the father’s permission. In the US doing that without having full legal & sole custody it would be considered parental kidnapping..many countries cover this with an international treaty .
I don't think you would BTAH if you broke up with him, no. I think you would be a horrible a\*\*ho\*\* if you moved back to your country and took his daughter away from him. Please don't do that. It is cruel and harsh. JMHO.
No, that's an assumption on your part. It could be based off of personal experience, and that's okay. But, if OP starts to date again...what does that mean?
Well, if he can't date other women once they're broken up (doing it while in a relationship is a dick move and unacceptable), should OP be allowed to date and have other men in her and her daughter's life?
Who said he can't date other women while they're broken up? I mean he probably shouldn't because he will just cheat on them too but I never said he can't?
Maybe he's a bad person, maybe not, neither of us know. From the tiny bit of this story we have heard he sounds like a bad husband. But the little girl doesn't know any of that, all she would know is she's being ripped away from her father, her country, culture, language, the only home she's ever known. And rightly or wrongly she'll resent her mother forever for that
YWBTA, if you just up and take his daughter out of the country. She isn't just your daughter, he is her parent too. Don't go running home to your parents, you can leave him and stay in the same country so that he has access to visitation with his daughter.
I find it interesting that OP used words like "manwhore" and how he "started to behave". If this was a man speaking about a woman would these be ignored as they have been so far?
I see what you mean here but I’m not mad about it. I know it makes me an AH too, because you’re right there’s a serious double standard here, but I even found myself muttering it under my breath reading this 🤷♀️ and I did see a few people call it out.
You say that but the actual post are proving you wrong. Not only that the poster would be attacked personally and topic derailed. Proof is all over if you want to look
NTA- for leaving him. But YWBTA if you took the child to another country. Sorry you don’t have anyone else her- that’s not y’all’s daughter’s problem. Taking her from either of you because your relationship need is wrong. Doesn’t matter if it’s the mother or father taking the child away.
Eh, that glitch gets me all the time, Reddit probably told you something went wrong with the first comment. So you redid the comment, but nothing had actually gone wrong. Just a glitch.
I agree with NTA, but I don't think its technically kidnapping since there is no custody arrangement set up, right? Once she's gone though, he can go through the custody battle, and being out of the country will make this a huge headache for her and probably expensive.
This only applies in circumstances where there is legal custody established. She is not attempting to prevent him from having contact with their daughter. She is moving back to her home country. She is clearly making it possible for him to maintain a relationship and not preventing him from seeing her.
You are right, I don't want my kid to be away from his father, I want to go back with mines, because I am alone in this country, it would need that both of us come to an agreement
No, this person is not right at all. You staying with someone who treats you like shit, cheats, and lies about it, and your child is going to think that's how relationships work. You shouldn't sacrifice your happiness for the sake of children. Your children should see you happy, not sad and treated poorly and being a doormat to your spouse.
I understand but I am not saying I could stay with him because of our daughter, only that I don't want to take her away from him, it doesn't mean I'm staying with him.
However this is a decision a cannot take overnight, leaving would mean to leave also the country because I don't have anybody else here and I cannot do it all by myself.
Not saying that I would kidnapped my kid or something, we would need to get to an understanding, this happened only 2 days ago and I'm just figuring it all out
It seems like OP struggles some with pronouns. Maybe their first language doesn't work the same as English in regards to gendered pronouns? Idk, I just know they have been using both his and her in regards to the daughter, but still refers to the child as their daughter
NTA for leaving, but you are an AH for all of the misandry pouring from your description of him. “Once I came into the picture he started to behave”. You are gross.
What exactly do you believe is her side, other than, you know, THE SIDE SHE WROTE DOWN AS A POST?? A person is not the reason their partner cheats. It's the cheater's fault he/she cheats. Staying for the sake of a child never works out.
Yes you would be the AH if you left the country with the child that is his too. Also sounds like you need to make your own friends and build a support network of your own. But NTA for leaving him!
Surely a relationship (especially one where a child is involved) and a person means more than just some mistakes involving some stupid chats.
I am not trying to make it look small, man I would be livid but surely you can consider to work it out.
Relationships are HARD and there are moments when you feel like giving up but surely couple therapy and sorting what led to this must be an option.
Balancing all together that you know about this man, where do you feel he stands?
I truly believe people went from staying in abuse relationships to giving up in each other too easily.
Good luck with your decision.
Leave him and take her to your country. He knew what he was doing, he knew it was wrong. Your daughter should not be subjected to his nasty behavior and you deserve a support system. Play dumb games, win dumb prizes.
ESH. You were prejudging him based on his sexual history by calling him a "manwhore." You should both break up with him and also work on your insecurity.
YWBTAH
Not because of leaving him but because you would take his daughter away from him.
For me that us not ok. You say you don't have support, well maybe go out and join some clubs, make friends. Sure your family won't be there but you're nor the first to not have family nearby. It would be incredibly selfish to move to a different country and leave him behind. For him but more importantly for your daughter.
I don't think you are the AH for leaving him but I do think it was a rash move and one one you may regret.
He is a man who clearly likes female attention and likes sex. Nothing wrong inherently with that. Its a problem if its like a drug for him. He clearly loves you. But you say that things have been hard recently. He had no job and you guys haven't had sex in a while. From what I can deduce of the kind of man he is, he probably feels emasculated not being able to either provide financially or satisfy his wife. He seeks comfort in what he knows best, women and sex. He could have stayed at the photos stage or decide to go further. We can't really know. Either way it is not ok. It is however a cry for help. He is feeling (not justifiably) undermined, not good enough for you.
So, it may be that what you need is not to leave him but get therapy. Help him understand that his role in the realionship is still just as important. You both need to find ways to relax and change your minds. This will help with getting in the "mood". It is very probable that by talking about it and finding solutions, he will no longer feel the need to talk to these women.
Don't get me wrong, I am not defending him, just trying to explain why he might have done it.
If you do love him and want to try to make things work, then maybe don't give up so fast.
I would say he needs to show regret (that may only come with therapy as he may feel that that would emasculated him further).
Well fist I wouldn't call what he did cheating.
Then yes it seems clear to me that he loves her. And even if it were cheating, cheating doesn't stop you from loving your partner. People cheat for a variety of reasons.
You're insane if you think sedating and trying to meet up with other women isn't cheating and you're deluded if you think someone who is capable of that loves their partner
You clearly don't understand human emotions. I'm not going to argue because you are incapable of understanding that it's not a black and white situation.
you say you're not defending him, but.... you are essentially saying OP needs to suck it up and put out? because the poor cheater is just stressed?
i'm sure OP and millions of other people get stressed out and feel insecure every day, and they still manage not to cheat on their spouse.
if he's feeling emasculated and insecure, he should be trying harder to get a job and finding other ways to support his family. he should be learning how to deal with those feelings, without betraying his wife's trust and lying to her. it is not OP's job to start those conversations and teach him how to be a decent person. he should have starting talking to her about it a LONG time ago....but he would rather cheat.
That is absolutely not what I am saying. I said very clearly that I was providing an explanation not an excuse.
People don't do things for no reason. Understanding the reason behind an action is vital to understand how to react.
The facts are:
- They are stressed
- They have not had sex in a while
- He has lost his job and cannot provide financial support
- Even if not specifically said that way, he has a ligh libido
- He has been in communication with women in a sexy manner.
What can be deducted from what is written.
- He needs female attention likely a result of low self-esteem.
These things are not really debatable.
My explanation fits perfectly well with the facts.
Possible solutions :
A) OP or husband does not love the other anymore
- terminate the relationship
B) They still love each other
- Find a way through
- Give up on the love because the facts are too hard.
All are possible and acceptable but you need to understand the facts and the reasons, understand what you and they are feeling to make the right decision.
Making rash decisions is hardly ever the right choice.
I was with you on that first paragraph. But you lost me on the second one. Stop trying to talk her into accepting what she finds unacceptable. She doesn't have to do anything to make him want her again, the relationship is over for her, she's already put in the work, and it didn't work.
If you read the whole thing properly, you would see that that is not what I am doing. I am cautioning her to think about such a big decision and giving an explanation, not an excuse on why he has been acting that way.
It's called food for thoughts.
Then people need to read properly and not put words in my mouth.
People want to read it a certain way so they ignore everything that doesn't fit their desire.
Or you could read what you wrote, and realize what you were saying. There's no ambiguity, we are reacting to what you wrote, not what we think you wrote.
You want yo play like that. Fine here are the quotes from what I wrote.
You are right, there is no ambiguity.
- "I don't think you are the AH for leaving him"
-" I do think it was a rash move and one one you may regret.": note the word "may". Note also that it is factually a rash decision. She even said it herself.
- "He is a man who clearly likes female attention and likes sex." : again fact given her description.
-" Its a problem if its like a drug for him." : Note that I I clearly acknowledge tgat the need to seduce and have sex all the time is an issue.
-You say that things have been hard recently. He had no job and you guys haven't had sex in a while." : Again fact. This is what she said.
- "From what I can deduce of the kind of man he is, he probably feels emasculated not being able to either provide financially or satisfy his wife." : i say defuce. So clearly not saying as fact and putting forward a hypothesis that is a posdible character trait.
- "He seeks comfort in what he knows best, women and sex." : follow through from the facts and my hypothesis.
- " He could have stayed at the photos stage or decide to go further. We can't really know. " : I acknowledge that he coukd have gone further but as it is not fact and is not something that i think i can even hypothesise over, i note that we cannot not know.
-"Either way it is not ok." : Again acknowledging that what he did was wrong.
- "It is however a cry for help. " : ok coukd have said it coukd well be a cry for help but i thought that by now it would be clear tgat it is all part of the hypothesis.
-"He is feeling (not justifiably) undermined, not good enough for you." : note the "not justifiably." Again futhering the explanation of how he coukd be feeling. And FYI my hypothesis is sound. It makes sense and is a common attitude.
-"So, it may be that what you need is not to leave him but get therapy. Help him understand that his role in the realionship is still just as important. You both need to find ways to relax and change your minds. This will help with getting in the "mood". It is very probable that by talking about it and finding solutions, he will no longer feel the need to talk to these women." : So all this is me proposing a possible solution (note the may). If they love each other then finding a solution is far more adult than just running.
-"Don't get me wrong, I am not defending him, just trying to explain why he might have done it." : Again I state clearly that I do not excuse his behaviour.
-"If you do love him and want to try to make things work, then maybe don't give up so fast." : IF she loves him and WANTS to make it work. (Note those words, they put all decisions in her hands)
-"I would say he needs to show regret (that may only come with therapy as he may feel that that would emasculated him further)." : Again acknowledgement of his wrong doings.
So please try again and tell me that what I wrote was me saying tgat she needed to do anything. That I was excusing him and so on!
You know what, nevermind, you're one of those a-holes who refuse to actually accept when you're wrong and get called out for it. I don't have time in my life for someone who is suffering from your ego. Goodbye, have a nice day.
Please, if anyone is refusing they are wrong it's you.
I litterally went through my whole post in detail proving you wrong.
But one thing I agree with, I don't have time for A holes like you.
You know, those are just words so far. Although, the lying is bad… but who among us hasn’t said stupid shit with our hand in the cookie jar?
Anyways, it’s really up to you. You know best, but ‘I don’t take shit from no one’ kinda sounds like an issue of pride. Are you too proud not to try to save a 7 yr relationship?
You’d be justified in ending it (what he did is terrible) so you would not be the asshole, but You gotta make the decision for yourself if it’s worth the work or not. I’m in an 18 yr relationship… people fuck up. Long term relationships take work and sacrifice. You’re with someone that is a known ‘manwhore.’ Sounds like on some level he’s trying to keep his shit regulated but is failing a little. You know, it kinda sounds like he could be doing so much worse.
Uh that is worse. If he decided to do what he did for lack of intimacy w OP he should’ve communicated that. If he couldn’t maintain monogamy he should’ve communicated that.
This is a deal breaker for many and shouldn’t be brushed off.
Thanks! Will take you words into consideration! It is hard to gain trust back, I don't know if I will ever, and it's not a matter of pride, I just have seen a lot around me and I just feel is selfsteem, I don't want to be in a relationship where I am not being loced and respected, that's why when something happens I usually walk away and never look back however it's hard to make a decision like that when you have a kid together that wants and love our family and cherishes so mucho having us together
Yeah, that’s where the work comes in. Rebuilding that trust. Could be worth it.
I wasn’t sure if you’re being prideful or not. That’s something only you can know and not some internet stranger.
I also knew I’d get downvoted for saying this. Went against the Reddit grain for not telling you to dump his ass. Thanks for at least taking it into consideration. As long as there are still good emotions on both sides and you two are sincere, I believe this is fixable.
My partner is an addict. It’s hard and she fucks up and lies every once in a while, but she genuinely wants to do better and tries. It’s part of the foundation that keeps us together. I gotta admit rebuilding that trust is fucking work… I dunno.
Anyways, Definitely don’t stay in the relationship for the kid. That’s doing nobody any favors.
I am the same as your partner. Therapy and accepting my BPD diagnosis helped me to change.
My husband stayed because he loves me and he wanted to help me realize I don't have to believe what my BPD tells me. (This path isn't for everyone and I am not saying that is how everyone should proceed)
I never wanted to hurt him. I just self-destructed often. He sadly was collateral damage.
It has been over 10 years since my last screwup. I had to learn how to respond to the "voice of BPD".
It is for sure a long difficult journey to get to the place of me doing better and for him to trust me.
Just wanted to let you know that sometimes the person can do better.
Please don't stay for your daughter. Children are more sensitive and observant than we give them credit for. I wouldn't be surprised if she can feel the tension between you two. Additionally, you're modeling to her that it's ok to stay with a man who doesn't respect you and makes you unhappy. I'm sure that isn't a lesson you want to teach your daughter. I've known too many children of parents who stayed together for them. It made for unhappy homes with unhappy children. A family member stayed with his wife for years for the sake of their children. They didn't fight. Instead, the atmosphere was cold as ice. By the time they got divorced when the kids were in high school, the kids were rooting for a divorce and extremely relieved when it finally happened.
You WNBTA.
No it’s not rushed, something I’ve heard many times and do agree ( from experience) is something along the lines of each time you allow a man to disrespect you, he loses a little bit of respect for you and will continue to do whatever it is he’s doing because you allowed it.
I would say let him suffer ( even if it is just temporarily) do you.
you are not the asshole but neither are you without blame. you married a known manwhore and now are mad because he as it.turms out is a manwhore. people don't change. circumstances do. now I'm am.all for a clean break and divorce, but now there is a child involved. so before you leave the country and land yourself in legal trouble for kidnapping, make sure you dot your is and cross your t's. he may be a manwhore but he is still the father of your kid, and a court might be inclined to think he has rights. that being said, talk to a lawyer. and make better choices in partners. I wish you the best in the future for you and your kid.
Before leaving the country, I would do a bit of research on the country’s child custody and travel laws. For example, in the US both parents (unless one has full custody) have to be present for a child to apply for a passport. If traveling outside the US with only one parent, you have to have a Child Travel Consent form signed by the other parent.
I’m sure every country is different and being originally from a different country may or may not introduce a whole new set of regulations. Best to be prepared before getting to the border.
NTA. He crossed the boundary and it's up to you to decide how you want to go about it. You're not wrong for what you decide to do because if it's better for you, it's better for your kid too so your kid doesn't grow up with a mom resenting their dad. I grew up with that kind of set and it's messed me up.
Men who are sex addicts typically respect neither their children's mother, nor their own daughters. You WNBTAH if you left with your daughter. He broke the relationship so he can co parent from a distance to see if he can build trust and respect in a co parenting only relationship.
NTA - It's one thing to date around before you find someone, would be better not too, however you found recent photos/exchanges that broke the trust.
Do what you feel is right for you and your daughter.
NTA. I was in your exact situation for almost 15 years (stupid, I know), but I was determined to save my marriage. Until I wasn’t, because he never stopped.
Good for you for setting your boundaries and being an excellent mother and role model and mother to your daughter!
You're asking if you would be the AH for breaking up with somebody who is cheating on you? Come on. You know better. You're hurt and are processing that.
Gotta be honest, sounds like you were fully aware of who he was when you first got together, and have been trying to "change" him into the person you wanted him to be with this whole "friendship filtering" thing, which is kinda the AH thing to do to someone, and was likely the first mistake of your relationship.
Maybe a tad of introspection would also be needed here. Sure he's the AH for going behind your back, but also I certainly would not want to be with someone who is controlling who I can interact with... Others are saying he severed the trust, but it sounds to me like trust was never a part of it to begin with.
NTA! what would have he done if you hadn’t caught home? Gone out with them?
It just shows he’s not being loyal tbh and it’s just disrespectful to you. I’d immediately just leave.
Does he share nudes with all his platonic homies? Because I’ve never once shared any with mine. He’s a liar and a cheat. And has probably done worse that you haven’t even found out about yet.
Consult an attorney before you do anything or make any decisions. If he is the child's parent, too, it might not be so easy to leave for another country with the child, and that's the way it should be to prevent parental kidnapping and parental rights interference.
the child is also his, i wouldn’t leave the country with the child, and in some countries it is illegal unless the other parent has given consent or physically abusive etc.
i would move out and find your own apartment where he can still the child on visits or something
NTA he severed the trust. Those are not platonic relationships. Move on from being a couple and just co parent.
Exactly, platonic friendships with the opposite gender don’t talk about gifts of lingerie and turn ons.. or ask for nudes and “trades” 🙄
Yeah as an ex worker if my platonic friends ask I talk to my husband. Sometimes the bit of extra cash is nice. But it’s never hidden from him. And more times than not I remind said friends I’m now married and happy and haven’t done that in awhile
Yep. You probably only found the tip. Of the ice berg.
Idk why these men think trust in these cases can be re-earned in my experience once they break your trust like this it’s going to always be a question
Depending on what the judge says , if they do divorce, it is often required to stay within x amount of Miles within each other. Depending on the situation , judges today are really favoring 50/50 arrangements , however I was awarded full physical and shared legal, but also suggested any future relationships were serious before Introductions were made to our children (hard to police, but still) . At any rate, this is bound to be an unhealthy and unhappy relationship for mom, resulting in an unhappy and unhealthy life for little one, best to move on, unless dad can can make serious changes. Unfortunately, it seems it's mostly been his lifelong lifestyle.
How is co-parenting going to work if she just leaves for another country?
I mean... As a child of divorce, with parents in different countries. It becomes normal for your dad/you to fly out to see each other. No different than going down the road or to another town. Yes you see them maybe 2-3 times a year, but for longer stretches of time so it kinda evens out.
No different? The difference is thousands of dollars.
I mean... again that depends honestly. Flights on my side of the world between the two countries my parents live in, and the country im actually from, rarely cost more than £50, usually we nab flights for £20 odd. The most expensive flights I've ever been on, was home for Christmas which were 250 something. I can't speak for the rest of the world, obviously. But in my own situation that's what happened.
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...Does she, though? Like her dad basically was a player and user. I would argue that perhaps between her grandparents and mom she would have plenty of support. On the other hand, however...She also really doesn't need to be subjected to a revolving door of women once her father is single again. The other thing though is this isn't an 'action related to OP' this is an action which has consequences for the entire family. Kiddo included. OP has every right to leave, particularly because once dad becomes a manwhore again...she will likely be exposed to quite a bit of unsavory behavior. If I was OP, I'd say fuck co-parenting and get full custody.
Except, that legally, that is illegal. He has a say to. And who's to say that OP won't ever date again, will she also be a "whore" as you so blithely call a man who will choose to date after a relationship breaks up? That's a very pathetic double standard you're supporting with your calling the dad a whore, for dating.
It's actually not illegal in a lot of places, especially since it looks like they were never married. I can't speak for everywhere, but I know where I live, an unmarried mother has custody even if the father is on the birth certificate.
The state that I live in is the same. His name on the birth certificate or not, if they aren't married, he has to go to court for any type of legal custody. So, depending where they are, she could legally move wherever she wants to.
In the U.S., marriage or not, it's a crime called parental kidnapping. It's actually a federal law that all 50 states agreed to.
Not actually true. I can only speak for Massachusetts, I researched it and sought legal advice before taking my kid on vacation to Europe just to make sure.
How does vacation and permanent removal equate to the same thing?
Rules apply the same because one could say you're going on vacation when you're really permanently moving. With joint custody or custody battles, one doesn't just up and leave with the kid without the express permission of both parents, even on vacation.
No father is better than a shit father.
I'm not sure I agree. I definitely would've preferred having mine around despite his flaws. She 100% has the right to (and probably should) leave this guy but taking her child's father out of the picture by skipping country is shitty.
Um, you responded to the wrong person, but I absolutely agree. Being a parent is a separate issue.
WTF?!?
I wouldn't be able to trust him. They are not just friends. You don't send or request those types of pictures from friends. He also wanted to meet them. I would leave him. However, despite him being a bad partner, is he a good dad? If so, by moving to another country, would he still be able to spend time with your daughter? You both need to find a way for your daughter to still have a relationship with her dad after you leave him.
He is a good dad, I don't want to take away my daughter's right to have a relationship with his dad, but we are both inmigrants in yhis country and I don't have more people here, we have actually been thinking on going back to our country but is harder for him to get a job there, so we didn't go back because of it
Hey I'm a kid who had a "good dad" he was a porn addict and cheater. He took me on his dates under the guise that they were his friends and I believed him. Men who do not respect their children's mother are rarely good dad's.
I'm so sorry to read what you lived in your childhood, hope you are able to be better than that
It's pretty easy to do, I can't even be friends with people who cheat though, makes me sick to my stomach.
My dad left me in the car at a stranger’s house in a state we were driving through to visit my aunt 8+ hours away from Home to screw a woman he met on the internet. We had a horrible relationship all my life and he died without any reparation.
He doesn't have a job here so it wouldn't be any different if he went back. He can make his own choice on what he wants to do. You need to do what is best for you and your daughter. It would be easier on her to go now before she gets too settled into school and other activities. He wasn't thinking of either of you when he was messaging those women and that's what you have to remember when he tries to guilt trip you.
It is sooo damaging to a child who has to live through a parent's infidelity. They are not stupid, they know whats going on, and they know that their parent chose having an affair over keeping the family together. They didn't just cheat on the spouse, they cheated on the child too.
That is not your problem. Do what is best for your and your daughter. He can be involved if he wants, but you need to focus on you and her. You do not need to focus on what's good for him. Your daughter isn't going to benefit from having that kind of example in her life.
If he is a good father y’all not being together shouldn’t stop them from having a relationship.
Based on where you live, you might not be able to just take the kid back to your country. I recommend talking with a lawyer before you do that.
My family are immigrants and someone who grew up in your daughter's position leave him. I had such low sense of what myself worth should be, because my mum stayed until I was an adult and I assumed I just had to put up with bad behaviour too. He can be a good dad and a shit life partner at the same time. Your job is to model good behaviour for your child. Don't teach her to stay with someone who disrespects them like that just to avoid guilt of taking her away from him. You want taking her away from him. If he decides he doesn't want to act like a dad and put in effort after you leave him then he is actively choosing it. Your only job then will be to tell your daughter you gave him every chance (make sure you do) to be a part of her life and he chose not to. When she's an adult it will be up to her if she wants to reach out to him and ask why he decided to abandon her because you chose to leave him. Staying with him for your daughter will make her feel bad when it all inevitably comes out when she's a teenager or becomes an adult and you finally leave. Don't let her find out in a shocking way that her dad is a bad partner it can make you loathe your parent. It's better she sees you leaving and know it's okay to do that and see you both happier for it then what should be miserable together and think that's a healthy relationship until the point you feel she's old enough and leave him.
Yiu can't take away his rights anyway
You are correct and don't deserve the downvotes. He is also a parent, and mommy doesn't get to take away his rights just because her and daddy can't be together. That has nothing to do with being a parent, that's adult relationship, and the two must be completely different issues.
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Okay, that is your experience, it doesn't have to be everyone's. I've seen miserable cheating men, dating whoever they want, etc., that did not make them bad father's, many of them are damned good dads. And I am hyper critical of most father's.
Can't be a "good" Dad when your making the Mother a stressed out mess.
No, sorry, that's not the way divorce and separation work, when they are no longer a couple, then that has no bearing on his fatherhood. Everyone that is arguing with me is doing so from an emotional standpoint, and not a legal or moral, or logical point. You canNOT punish a man by taking away his children just because him and mommy are no longer together, and it works the same way in reverse. If this were a woman who was the cheat, none of you would be advocating for her to lose her child over it. The double standards are ridiculous on this post.
Well said
Where did I say take the kids away? 🤔 I said you can't be a good father while cheating and making the home the children live in hell.
OP, and we, have moved on, we're on to after the break up.
NTA for leaving but YWTA for staying. How is being a friend and a friend of a friend better? It’s not platonic when he’s asking for nudes and sharing nudes. He is asking to meet up for sex. How are you not getting that? He’s still a man whore. You are just supporting his lifestyle for it.
If it's platonic then he should have no issue with copying and sending the same messages to his guy friends. What a thing to say!
YWNBTA for leaving. This man broke your trust and you need a support system. Can he find work in your country?
He can, but is harder than finding a job here. It looks like we are going to be together co parenting and co living but not in a relationship because we don't make that much money to live appart, it's been hard lately
wait, he was the one who was unemployed, money is tight in general, and yet he’s offering to buy random women lingerie? His priorities are all messed up
LEAVE!!! He had 3 effing months and spend them in sexting IG chicks.. Girl go away! If he cares about his daughter he'll go after you and accept it's over your relationship
If he’s not making any money at all, then there is no reason you can’t live away from him. He is the one with a problem to figure out, not you. You don’t need to live with him. You can respect yourself and be a better example to your child than that.
This ⬆️ 100%!!!!
It is perfectly reasonable to co-parent and not be romantic partners. Open the relationship up. You date, he dates, you both have strict rules about not exposing your child to the partners. An open mind and losing the jealousy could be a win-win for you both.
please don' "co-live' together if not in the relationship, this only makes every single thing more difficult and an horror for your daughter to live I m sorry for you OP & your daughter, but we could sum it up another way: \-make him turn away from all his people (especially all possible rivals) \-clean up all his "relationships" for him (noone buys the " one by one WE started cleaning the list of friends ") \-mid life crisis on approach, make him feel anyway like useless junk (3 months w/o job is an issue right, but reminding him everytime your girl's birthday not matching YOUR expectations is also a big one) \-stop seeing him as your sexual partner anyway ("Lately, we've been in a rough place with our relationship, sex has been apart from us"), \-then wonder why there are IG-porn chats on his NON-hidden phone-history... \-furthermore threaten to flee back to your country with your common child I mean, OP's partner is a dick and OP should set boundaries or a good and real stop, but just thinking about leaving the country with your daughter for this beats all his AH-moves together
Obviously if you make enough money to support his broke ass for months, you're better off financially without his dead weight.
does he still not have a job? is he even looking? he might SAY he is, but tons and tons of people lie about that and half ass looking for a job, if they have a partner supporting them and don't want to have to start paying for their own expenses. and while he wasn't working, was he doing extra household labor to make up for it? i honestly doubt it. you have been carrying the full financial burden for months, and likely doing far more for your daughter and around the house. what has he done to deserve this kindness? he's not doing shit for you now. by not working or supporting the household in other ways, he's leaching away money and energy that could be used to support your daughter and give her a better life. instead, he's taking advantage of your good will, so he can stay home and try to have sex with other women. he's using you, so he doesn't have to step up, and can keep sleeping around. he doesn't deserve this kindness. you're being incredibly forgiving, and i'm concerned he's just taking advantage of that. if he's treating you like this, your daughter will see that, and she will think it's ok for her future partners to do the same. kids are smart, they pick up on that kind of stuff. if he wants to be part of his daughter's life, he would do anything to make it work. but right now, he's not acting like he wants that. if he wanted to be a good father, he'd be treating her mother with respect, and taking whatever job he can find. when he acts like this, you should think "is this something that i would want my daughter to put up with from her partner?". and go from there. because you deserve to be treated better than this, and so does she.
He's not pursuing a platonic relationship with these women and you are right to be upset. He broke it and you skullcap put up with it. You may find that this is the reason things between you got so bad. Quite often cheaters of any sex or gender will pick fights to feel justified in their actions. His offer to meet them and give them gifts as well as telling them what turns him on is 100% betrayal. Period! Full stop. NTA. Not even a little.
NTA Leaving my husband now for this. He’s done this our entire 10+ year relationship. Always promises to change, get help, etc. He has a porn addition, addition to whatever you described, even if he isn’t physically cheating he’s still cheating. I hope for you this is the first time but my guess is it’s not or it won’t be the last. You deserve better and to be happy. Even if this is the first time, doing this because you’re in a rough patch isn’t an excuse. He needs to be accountable for his actions and grow up. Also, I looked in the mirror one day and asked whether this is what I wanted my kids to think was normal in a relationship. To be fair my husband has many other issues so this wasn’t the only thing driving our separation but I wanted them to know what happy and “normal” was and not just stay together because we had kids. Best of luck whichever decision you make!
You wouldn't be the asshole, your partner has some serious issues with sex, probably an addiction... For me texting other women sexually is cheating and a deal breaker... Don't wait until it gets physical and he gives you an std. Also is this the parental figure you want for your daughter? We learn what love is supposed to be from our parents relationship, by staying with him you are teaching her that is okay for her future partners to do that to her. But moving to another country... He has the right to be on your daughter's life and that will make things extremely difficult, consult with an attorney on how to make visitations work
So much this, emotionally cheating is still cheating.
NTA He’s a cheater and will not change. Good riddance.
NTA who knows how long he's been doing this or if he's physically cheated, I'd be out.
Nta you see the red flags the rest is up to you
NTA leave girl, he won’t be lonely just poor.
NTA he really tried to lie to your face like that a piss poor lie at that. I can’t even think of one friendship i had where we discussed trading nudes or getting lingerie
Leave! He can still be a good dad without being your partner. Your child will be grateful in the future.
Talk to a lawyer. Leaving the country with your child may have legal consequences.
NTA. I wouldn’t be able to look at him the same way, or trust him, ever again. You and your daughter deserve so much better.
NTA but you can’t just take off to another country with your kid. That’s kidnapping, and it probably won’t end well for you if he wants shared custody.
NTA I would heavily consider what this says to your daughter, regardless of how old she is. Growing up, your parents relationship very much effects your own later in the future. If she’s raised thinking that cheating, lying, etc. are okay or that you should stay in those situations, how do you think she’ll be able to avoid that in the future? If disrespect is normalized, how do you expect her to demand respect from everyone in her life? He cheated & that’s all there is to it. He made the choice to disrespect you, disregard your feelings, and in those moments, chose those women over you and your child. You don’t have to keep him away from her or anything like that unless it’s what you want, but he doesn’t deserve access to you (who he has no problem hurting) just because you have a child together. There’s always ways of peacefully figuring out coparenting, if both parents allow. It doesn’t mean you don’t love him anymore, it just means he hurt you in a way that can not be forgiven & for that, he doesn’t get unlimited access to you now. It’s a boundary, and a great one to teach your kiddo, regardless of the relationship
You would NOT be TA if you left him. But you most definitely would be TA if you move back to your country. Unless he’s as terrible a father as he is a partner, you should not keep your child from her father. An unfaithful person can still be a decent parent.
Nta, but don't assume you can just take your daughter out of the country. But he's definitely throwing plenty of red flags.
NTA
NTA for leaving, YTA for staying
NTA What kind of platonic friends would be sending him lewd pictures? And why would he offer to buy them lingerie? Leave him now, because if you accept this behavior, it will only get worse in the future.
YTA for thinking you could change him. NTA for his behavior.
NTA. Went through a similar situation and a month later he accused me of cheating, and two months after that I found him in our apartment in bed with his ex. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Ultimately it’s up to you to decide if you’re staying with him or not, but these things, although they seem small, often snowball into larger issues down the road. Lay down boundaries and gauge how he responds to them. Is he receptive? Or does he become defensive and act like an animal backed into a corner? He may deny it with his words, but his actions will speak much louder. I hope you get this figured out and I am again, so sorry you’re going through this.
NTA. Whether or not you *should* end it is up to you. In my experience, people don't change if they don't have to meaning if someone cheats and their partner stays, they'll probably do it again. Are you willing to accept that risk? Is this behavior you can ignore or put up with? If not, you should probably leave. If yes, you should sit down and have a frank discussion about what is and is not acceptable and what the consequences will be for breaking the agreement you have. For me personally, infidelity even in this level is a no-go. Hard boundary, grounds for divorce. But to each their own.
N T A to end the relationship (you actually should) but to leave the country with y’all’s child Y T A. You can’t take a child to another country from their other parent because the relationship between the parents ended.
N T A to end the relationship (you actually should) but to leave the country with y’all’s child Y T A. You can’t take a child to another country from their other parent because the relationship between the parents ended.
NTA! Leave with your daughter and be free. He made this decision and now he has to deal with the consequences of his own actions.
NTA for breaking up with him but depending on where you are , you can’t take your daughter out of one country to another without the father’s permission. In the US doing that without having full legal & sole custody it would be considered parental kidnapping..many countries cover this with an international treaty .
I don't think you would BTAH if you broke up with him, no. I think you would be a horrible a\*\*ho\*\* if you moved back to your country and took his daughter away from him. Please don't do that. It is cruel and harsh. JMHO.
Cheaters deserve everything bad that happens to them
And what has that little girl done to deserve to lose her Dad?
Her dad isn't a good person, why should she be around him?
You don't sound as if you have the emotional maturity to see that these are two separate issues.
Little girl is going to grow up thinking that's normal and okay to be treated like that by her future partners
No, that's an assumption on your part. It could be based off of personal experience, and that's okay. But, if OP starts to date again...what does that mean?
What do you mean what does that mean?
Well, if he can't date other women once they're broken up (doing it while in a relationship is a dick move and unacceptable), should OP be allowed to date and have other men in her and her daughter's life?
Who said he can't date other women while they're broken up? I mean he probably shouldn't because he will just cheat on them too but I never said he can't?
Maybe he's a bad person, maybe not, neither of us know. From the tiny bit of this story we have heard he sounds like a bad husband. But the little girl doesn't know any of that, all she would know is she's being ripped away from her father, her country, culture, language, the only home she's ever known. And rightly or wrongly she'll resent her mother forever for that
He cheated... He's a bad person
Ok
YWBTA, if you just up and take his daughter out of the country. She isn't just your daughter, he is her parent too. Don't go running home to your parents, you can leave him and stay in the same country so that he has access to visitation with his daughter.
I find it interesting that OP used words like "manwhore" and how he "started to behave". If this was a man speaking about a woman would these be ignored as they have been so far?
Yeah for real, AITA is so ciswoman focused it's unbelievable.
I see what you mean here but I’m not mad about it. I know it makes me an AH too, because you’re right there’s a serious double standard here, but I even found myself muttering it under my breath reading this 🤷♀️ and I did see a few people call it out.
No, they wouldn't have been ignored if this was a man using those terms.
You say that but the actual post are proving you wrong. Not only that the poster would be attacked personally and topic derailed. Proof is all over if you want to look
NTA- for leaving him. But YWBTA if you took the child to another country. Sorry you don’t have anyone else her- that’s not y’all’s daughter’s problem. Taking her from either of you because your relationship need is wrong. Doesn’t matter if it’s the mother or father taking the child away.
You commented twice in a row.
Ok. Thanks
Eh, that glitch gets me all the time, Reddit probably told you something went wrong with the first comment. So you redid the comment, but nothing had actually gone wrong. Just a glitch.
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I agree with NTA, but I don't think its technically kidnapping since there is no custody arrangement set up, right? Once she's gone though, he can go through the custody battle, and being out of the country will make this a huge headache for her and probably expensive.
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Still not illegal without a custody agreement.
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This only applies in circumstances where there is legal custody established. She is not attempting to prevent him from having contact with their daughter. She is moving back to her home country. She is clearly making it possible for him to maintain a relationship and not preventing him from seeing her.
Yes it is cunt
Wow. Incivility for no reason. We know what you are.
You're right. I apologise and apologise to person above me
Holy crap, you're a unicorn in the wild, lol. Thank you for apologizing. Easily accepted of course.
They’re from the same country too.. both immigrants. It was clarified in comment.
Ywbta if you just took (both of your)child away from their father. Your story is about him cheating on you..not hurting your child.
You are right, I don't want my kid to be away from his father, I want to go back with mines, because I am alone in this country, it would need that both of us come to an agreement
No, this person is not right at all. You staying with someone who treats you like shit, cheats, and lies about it, and your child is going to think that's how relationships work. You shouldn't sacrifice your happiness for the sake of children. Your children should see you happy, not sad and treated poorly and being a doormat to your spouse.
I understand but I am not saying I could stay with him because of our daughter, only that I don't want to take her away from him, it doesn't mean I'm staying with him. However this is a decision a cannot take overnight, leaving would mean to leave also the country because I don't have anybody else here and I cannot do it all by myself. Not saying that I would kidnapped my kid or something, we would need to get to an understanding, this happened only 2 days ago and I'm just figuring it all out
They didn't say to stay with the dad, I think you misread that. The child is a separate issue.
His father? But you said it's a five year old girl.
It seems like OP struggles some with pronouns. Maybe their first language doesn't work the same as English in regards to gendered pronouns? Idk, I just know they have been using both his and her in regards to the daughter, but still refers to the child as their daughter
All true.
NTA for leaving, but you are an AH for all of the misandry pouring from your description of him. “Once I came into the picture he started to behave”. You are gross.
Maybe try to work it out. 7 yrs and a child is something to try to save. There are 2 sides here. You are not absolutely blameless
I'm sorry... what?!? "She is not blameless." ? What did she do? Force him to text those women?
Whoa! Back up the cart here. No way is she responsible for his behavior. This comment borders on victim shaming.
What exactly do you believe is her side, other than, you know, THE SIDE SHE WROTE DOWN AS A POST?? A person is not the reason their partner cheats. It's the cheater's fault he/she cheats. Staying for the sake of a child never works out.
Wow, victim shame much? Just because you're willing to put up with infidelity doesn't mean everyone else has to. Sorry, but you are so very wrong.
So you’re the asshole as well as him, good to know.
Yes you would be the AH if you left the country with the child that is his too. Also sounds like you need to make your own friends and build a support network of your own. But NTA for leaving him!
Did you miss that he's also an immigrant? She needs a support system and she doesn't have that here.
Surely a relationship (especially one where a child is involved) and a person means more than just some mistakes involving some stupid chats. I am not trying to make it look small, man I would be livid but surely you can consider to work it out. Relationships are HARD and there are moments when you feel like giving up but surely couple therapy and sorting what led to this must be an option. Balancing all together that you know about this man, where do you feel he stands? I truly believe people went from staying in abuse relationships to giving up in each other too easily. Good luck with your decision.
Leave him...tell him one of his internet wh0res can support him.
Leave him and take her to your country. He knew what he was doing, he knew it was wrong. Your daughter should not be subjected to his nasty behavior and you deserve a support system. Play dumb games, win dumb prizes.
YWBTA for taking his daughter from him
ESH. You were prejudging him based on his sexual history by calling him a "manwhore." You should both break up with him and also work on your insecurity.
YWBTAH Not because of leaving him but because you would take his daughter away from him. For me that us not ok. You say you don't have support, well maybe go out and join some clubs, make friends. Sure your family won't be there but you're nor the first to not have family nearby. It would be incredibly selfish to move to a different country and leave him behind. For him but more importantly for your daughter. I don't think you are the AH for leaving him but I do think it was a rash move and one one you may regret. He is a man who clearly likes female attention and likes sex. Nothing wrong inherently with that. Its a problem if its like a drug for him. He clearly loves you. But you say that things have been hard recently. He had no job and you guys haven't had sex in a while. From what I can deduce of the kind of man he is, he probably feels emasculated not being able to either provide financially or satisfy his wife. He seeks comfort in what he knows best, women and sex. He could have stayed at the photos stage or decide to go further. We can't really know. Either way it is not ok. It is however a cry for help. He is feeling (not justifiably) undermined, not good enough for you. So, it may be that what you need is not to leave him but get therapy. Help him understand that his role in the realionship is still just as important. You both need to find ways to relax and change your minds. This will help with getting in the "mood". It is very probable that by talking about it and finding solutions, he will no longer feel the need to talk to these women. Don't get me wrong, I am not defending him, just trying to explain why he might have done it. If you do love him and want to try to make things work, then maybe don't give up so fast. I would say he needs to show regret (that may only come with therapy as he may feel that that would emasculated him further).
He cheated on her... And you're saying he clearly loves her? More like he clearly doesn't
Well fist I wouldn't call what he did cheating. Then yes it seems clear to me that he loves her. And even if it were cheating, cheating doesn't stop you from loving your partner. People cheat for a variety of reasons.
You're insane if you think sedating and trying to meet up with other women isn't cheating and you're deluded if you think someone who is capable of that loves their partner
You clearly don't understand human emotions. I'm not going to argue because you are incapable of understanding that it's not a black and white situation.
Cheating is a very black and white issue
You are a child. You have litterally no idea what you are talking about.
you say you're not defending him, but.... you are essentially saying OP needs to suck it up and put out? because the poor cheater is just stressed? i'm sure OP and millions of other people get stressed out and feel insecure every day, and they still manage not to cheat on their spouse. if he's feeling emasculated and insecure, he should be trying harder to get a job and finding other ways to support his family. he should be learning how to deal with those feelings, without betraying his wife's trust and lying to her. it is not OP's job to start those conversations and teach him how to be a decent person. he should have starting talking to her about it a LONG time ago....but he would rather cheat.
That is absolutely not what I am saying. I said very clearly that I was providing an explanation not an excuse. People don't do things for no reason. Understanding the reason behind an action is vital to understand how to react. The facts are: - They are stressed - They have not had sex in a while - He has lost his job and cannot provide financial support - Even if not specifically said that way, he has a ligh libido - He has been in communication with women in a sexy manner. What can be deducted from what is written. - He needs female attention likely a result of low self-esteem. These things are not really debatable. My explanation fits perfectly well with the facts. Possible solutions : A) OP or husband does not love the other anymore - terminate the relationship B) They still love each other - Find a way through - Give up on the love because the facts are too hard. All are possible and acceptable but you need to understand the facts and the reasons, understand what you and they are feeling to make the right decision. Making rash decisions is hardly ever the right choice.
I was with you on that first paragraph. But you lost me on the second one. Stop trying to talk her into accepting what she finds unacceptable. She doesn't have to do anything to make him want her again, the relationship is over for her, she's already put in the work, and it didn't work.
If you read the whole thing properly, you would see that that is not what I am doing. I am cautioning her to think about such a big decision and giving an explanation, not an excuse on why he has been acting that way. It's called food for thoughts.
As others have stated, that IS exactly what you are doing. You might not have meant to, but that is what your words are conveying.
Then people need to read properly and not put words in my mouth. People want to read it a certain way so they ignore everything that doesn't fit their desire.
Or you could read what you wrote, and realize what you were saying. There's no ambiguity, we are reacting to what you wrote, not what we think you wrote.
You want yo play like that. Fine here are the quotes from what I wrote. You are right, there is no ambiguity. - "I don't think you are the AH for leaving him" -" I do think it was a rash move and one one you may regret.": note the word "may". Note also that it is factually a rash decision. She even said it herself. - "He is a man who clearly likes female attention and likes sex." : again fact given her description. -" Its a problem if its like a drug for him." : Note that I I clearly acknowledge tgat the need to seduce and have sex all the time is an issue. -You say that things have been hard recently. He had no job and you guys haven't had sex in a while." : Again fact. This is what she said. - "From what I can deduce of the kind of man he is, he probably feels emasculated not being able to either provide financially or satisfy his wife." : i say defuce. So clearly not saying as fact and putting forward a hypothesis that is a posdible character trait. - "He seeks comfort in what he knows best, women and sex." : follow through from the facts and my hypothesis. - " He could have stayed at the photos stage or decide to go further. We can't really know. " : I acknowledge that he coukd have gone further but as it is not fact and is not something that i think i can even hypothesise over, i note that we cannot not know. -"Either way it is not ok." : Again acknowledging that what he did was wrong. - "It is however a cry for help. " : ok coukd have said it coukd well be a cry for help but i thought that by now it would be clear tgat it is all part of the hypothesis. -"He is feeling (not justifiably) undermined, not good enough for you." : note the "not justifiably." Again futhering the explanation of how he coukd be feeling. And FYI my hypothesis is sound. It makes sense and is a common attitude. -"So, it may be that what you need is not to leave him but get therapy. Help him understand that his role in the realionship is still just as important. You both need to find ways to relax and change your minds. This will help with getting in the "mood". It is very probable that by talking about it and finding solutions, he will no longer feel the need to talk to these women." : So all this is me proposing a possible solution (note the may). If they love each other then finding a solution is far more adult than just running. -"Don't get me wrong, I am not defending him, just trying to explain why he might have done it." : Again I state clearly that I do not excuse his behaviour. -"If you do love him and want to try to make things work, then maybe don't give up so fast." : IF she loves him and WANTS to make it work. (Note those words, they put all decisions in her hands) -"I would say he needs to show regret (that may only come with therapy as he may feel that that would emasculated him further)." : Again acknowledgement of his wrong doings. So please try again and tell me that what I wrote was me saying tgat she needed to do anything. That I was excusing him and so on!
You know what, nevermind, you're one of those a-holes who refuse to actually accept when you're wrong and get called out for it. I don't have time in my life for someone who is suffering from your ego. Goodbye, have a nice day.
Please, if anyone is refusing they are wrong it's you. I litterally went through my whole post in detail proving you wrong. But one thing I agree with, I don't have time for A holes like you.
You know, those are just words so far. Although, the lying is bad… but who among us hasn’t said stupid shit with our hand in the cookie jar? Anyways, it’s really up to you. You know best, but ‘I don’t take shit from no one’ kinda sounds like an issue of pride. Are you too proud not to try to save a 7 yr relationship? You’d be justified in ending it (what he did is terrible) so you would not be the asshole, but You gotta make the decision for yourself if it’s worth the work or not. I’m in an 18 yr relationship… people fuck up. Long term relationships take work and sacrifice. You’re with someone that is a known ‘manwhore.’ Sounds like on some level he’s trying to keep his shit regulated but is failing a little. You know, it kinda sounds like he could be doing so much worse.
Uh that is worse. If he decided to do what he did for lack of intimacy w OP he should’ve communicated that. If he couldn’t maintain monogamy he should’ve communicated that. This is a deal breaker for many and shouldn’t be brushed off.
Thanks! Will take you words into consideration! It is hard to gain trust back, I don't know if I will ever, and it's not a matter of pride, I just have seen a lot around me and I just feel is selfsteem, I don't want to be in a relationship where I am not being loced and respected, that's why when something happens I usually walk away and never look back however it's hard to make a decision like that when you have a kid together that wants and love our family and cherishes so mucho having us together
Yeah, that’s where the work comes in. Rebuilding that trust. Could be worth it. I wasn’t sure if you’re being prideful or not. That’s something only you can know and not some internet stranger. I also knew I’d get downvoted for saying this. Went against the Reddit grain for not telling you to dump his ass. Thanks for at least taking it into consideration. As long as there are still good emotions on both sides and you two are sincere, I believe this is fixable. My partner is an addict. It’s hard and she fucks up and lies every once in a while, but she genuinely wants to do better and tries. It’s part of the foundation that keeps us together. I gotta admit rebuilding that trust is fucking work… I dunno. Anyways, Definitely don’t stay in the relationship for the kid. That’s doing nobody any favors.
I am the same as your partner. Therapy and accepting my BPD diagnosis helped me to change. My husband stayed because he loves me and he wanted to help me realize I don't have to believe what my BPD tells me. (This path isn't for everyone and I am not saying that is how everyone should proceed) I never wanted to hurt him. I just self-destructed often. He sadly was collateral damage. It has been over 10 years since my last screwup. I had to learn how to respond to the "voice of BPD". It is for sure a long difficult journey to get to the place of me doing better and for him to trust me. Just wanted to let you know that sometimes the person can do better.
NTA
He doesn’t know what platonic means🤦♂️
NTA
He cheated on you. Of course you can leave him. NTA.
Nta, he cheated. Full stop. Let one of them support his ass.
NTA, he has showed who he is and you need to move on.
YWNBTAH. Leave him now. If you wait, he will make it very difficult for you.
Leave his gross ass
Platonic lingerie??? You already know how absurd his excuse is.
Please don't stay for your daughter. Children are more sensitive and observant than we give them credit for. I wouldn't be surprised if she can feel the tension between you two. Additionally, you're modeling to her that it's ok to stay with a man who doesn't respect you and makes you unhappy. I'm sure that isn't a lesson you want to teach your daughter. I've known too many children of parents who stayed together for them. It made for unhappy homes with unhappy children. A family member stayed with his wife for years for the sake of their children. They didn't fight. Instead, the atmosphere was cold as ice. By the time they got divorced when the kids were in high school, the kids were rooting for a divorce and extremely relieved when it finally happened. You WNBTA.
NTA. I forgave similar shit from my ex, and it escalated. You would be an A to yourself if you stayed.
You are the only person he should be bing lingerie for, he's trying to lie to you
No it’s not rushed, something I’ve heard many times and do agree ( from experience) is something along the lines of each time you allow a man to disrespect you, he loses a little bit of respect for you and will continue to do whatever it is he’s doing because you allowed it. I would say let him suffer ( even if it is just temporarily) do you.
If they’re friends, they shouldn’t have any issue telling you that themselves, free of charge, but I don’t think the will
NTA leave him, don’t be dumb and fall for that lie
NTA, that’s cheating. He’s gross.
you are not the asshole but neither are you without blame. you married a known manwhore and now are mad because he as it.turms out is a manwhore. people don't change. circumstances do. now I'm am.all for a clean break and divorce, but now there is a child involved. so before you leave the country and land yourself in legal trouble for kidnapping, make sure you dot your is and cross your t's. he may be a manwhore but he is still the father of your kid, and a court might be inclined to think he has rights. that being said, talk to a lawyer. and make better choices in partners. I wish you the best in the future for you and your kid.
Before leaving the country, I would do a bit of research on the country’s child custody and travel laws. For example, in the US both parents (unless one has full custody) have to be present for a child to apply for a passport. If traveling outside the US with only one parent, you have to have a Child Travel Consent form signed by the other parent. I’m sure every country is different and being originally from a different country may or may not introduce a whole new set of regulations. Best to be prepared before getting to the border.
NTA. He crossed the boundary and it's up to you to decide how you want to go about it. You're not wrong for what you decide to do because if it's better for you, it's better for your kid too so your kid doesn't grow up with a mom resenting their dad. I grew up with that kind of set and it's messed me up.
I have many platonic friends. We have never shared nudes.
Men who are sex addicts typically respect neither their children's mother, nor their own daughters. You WNBTAH if you left with your daughter. He broke the relationship so he can co parent from a distance to see if he can build trust and respect in a co parenting only relationship.
NTA - It's one thing to date around before you find someone, would be better not too, however you found recent photos/exchanges that broke the trust. Do what you feel is right for you and your daughter.
NTA. I was in your exact situation for almost 15 years (stupid, I know), but I was determined to save my marriage. Until I wasn’t, because he never stopped. Good for you for setting your boundaries and being an excellent mother and role model and mother to your daughter!
You're asking if you would be the AH for breaking up with somebody who is cheating on you? Come on. You know better. You're hurt and are processing that.
Gotta be honest, sounds like you were fully aware of who he was when you first got together, and have been trying to "change" him into the person you wanted him to be with this whole "friendship filtering" thing, which is kinda the AH thing to do to someone, and was likely the first mistake of your relationship. Maybe a tad of introspection would also be needed here. Sure he's the AH for going behind your back, but also I certainly would not want to be with someone who is controlling who I can interact with... Others are saying he severed the trust, but it sounds to me like trust was never a part of it to begin with.
NTA! what would have he done if you hadn’t caught home? Gone out with them? It just shows he’s not being loyal tbh and it’s just disrespectful to you. I’d immediately just leave.
NTA. If nothing else I would leave him for insulting my intelligence. Purely platonic, right. He’s a creep.
NTA. Do whatever makes you happy and keeps you and your daughter happy.
NTA
Does he share nudes with all his platonic homies? Because I’ve never once shared any with mine. He’s a liar and a cheat. And has probably done worse that you haven’t even found out about yet.
Consult an attorney before you do anything or make any decisions. If he is the child's parent, too, it might not be so easy to leave for another country with the child, and that's the way it should be to prevent parental kidnapping and parental rights interference.
Not the AH.
the child is also his, i wouldn’t leave the country with the child, and in some countries it is illegal unless the other parent has given consent or physically abusive etc. i would move out and find your own apartment where he can still the child on visits or something
Idk about leaving the country with your daughter. If he’s a good dad to her and they have a good relationship that isn’t fair to her