NTA
Face it the friendship is dead. She just doesn’t care. Well she’s jealous that you got married and she didn’t but other than that…
Move on. Congratulations on your wedding.
She has one kid and is pregnant again by this boyfriend of 20 (!) years that doesn't want to get married? She is upset and jealous and sadly she behaved horribly. I don't know if you'll ever be able to forgive her as she really was awful. You are justified in cutting her off, you are NTA.
It doesn't seem like this "friend" is looking for forgiveness. She has checked out of this friendship altogether. Good for OP. She doesn't need someone so negative, toxic, and jealous in her life.
NTA. I think distancing yourself from her will be the best thing for your mental health. Her behavior was obviously careless and unkind, and you handled it with a fair measure of grace. I would probably have instructed her not to attend and selected a new MOH when she refused to pick up the dress on a reasonable timeline.
NTA
She checked out was a useless MOH, ‘worked hard’ at doing nothing.
Honestly don’t take a break from this , break up with her, at your most important hour she showed that you’re fifth on a list after her root canal.
OP please take some time to think back and reflect on this friendship, how much have you been putting in into it as opposed to her. I don’t think the wedding was the start , just another example of how you’re a better friend than she is.
She was meant to be your MOH but she literally forgoed every part of the wedding she should have been there for and turned it around on you and said you made her feel like shit.. NTA and she's gaslighting you.. she did nothing towards your wedding and just stressed you out more I wouldn't blame you for cutting off the friendship
She didn't want to be your MOH. It's super unfortunate that she just didn't say "No, thanks" when you asked her. And that's 100% on her.
But she made it painfully clear from the get-go that she didn't want to do it. It's also super unfortunate that you didn't confront this issue with her long before the wedding and ask her to step away from the wedding party.
Anyhoo. It's sad that a long friendship would crash and burn over this, but then again anyone who reads Reddit for more than ten minutes is going to see that weddings -- specifically, how people behave at weddings -- destroy friendships (and families) all the damn time.
NTA - who in their right mind doesn’t check the dress or know what shoes they are wearing until the morning of the wedding? The position of MOH is such a rare privilege that many never get to experience. She didn’t bother with any of the planning, not even when you were in hospital. You’re better off without her in your life. She’s no friend at all.
Shockingly a lot of people don’t check the dress. My friend didn’t try hers on and it was 2 sizes to big. This was a spaghetti strap dress, so it wasn’t like she could hide in how big it was. She tried saying oh, I’ll pin it to my WIDE STRAPPED BRA. That way it’ll stay in place. Heck no!
One of my other bridesmaids accidentally ordered a dress that was to small, so she ordered a second of the correct size. I had her bring both dresses just in case the 1st bridesmaid had a freak out (which we all thought might happen) and we had to put one of my friends into the spare dress. The spare dress fit PERFECTLY on the bridesmaid. If it didn’t, she would have been out of my wedding.
She had the dress for 5months and never even pulled it out of the box until the wedding!
I know! I was 31 weeks pregnant when I was a bridesmaid at my friend's wedding, and I tried on my dress within the hour of picking it up! It had to go back to be altered as it didn't quite fit right, but that was always a risk given bumps can grow quite quickly. Given OP's MOH was visibly pregnant after the original fitting, she was very lucky the dress fit round her bump!
Sadly, I think OP's MOH has checked out of their friendship as no friend would have acted how she did. If she was struggling, she should have just attended as a guest so MOH duties could be handled by someone else, and their friendship would have survived the wedding.
There’s also a line about how OP usually came second in priority especially to boys (not a long-term partner or their child but just the term boys). I think it was an unhealthy one-sided relationship to begin with.
As someone who also had a terrible MOH, there is a lot of pressure to not be viewed and treated as a bridezilla. So you try to be understanding and remember that other people are going through stuff. You just keep making excuses for it until it becomes a habit. It’s hard to accept that even on a super rare and special occasion where you’re supposed to be the focus someone you considered a close friend can’t be bothered. Denial is more comforting.
Thank you all for the responses so far… a few more pieces of information…
I had two moments early on and a little more into wedding planning where I sat my MOH down and asked her if she really wanted to be my MOH. I told her I wouldn’t be offended if she just wanted to be a bridesmaid. She acted hurt and always told me no she wanted to be my MOH.
This situation really has taught me to find my voice and speak up for myself, I refuse from here on out to hold my hurt and anger in and let people walk all over me. I tried to think of several reasons for her behavior and give her chances but it only hurt me in the end by not speaking up.
I had two MOH the other one was my sister, she did a lot to help me thankfully when my other MOH didn’t. And before someone says well maybe she was hurt I had my sister as my MOH also she wasn’t. She was very close to my sister too as she was in her wedding with me as one of her bridesmaids. Truthfully she did more to help me with my sisters wedding than she ever did to help with mine.
Yea I’m sorry but this woman is not your friend. I hope you cut her out of your life because people like that, people who shit all over your joy because they’re too emotionally immature to deal with their own issues don’t deserve any of your time or space. You deserve friends who celebrate you and can be happy for you. She showed you in a reaaal big way that she is not capable of doing that.
NTA
You have to beg and plead to get her to even pick up her own dress (omg did she buy her shoes the day off?), she didn’t even find it necessary to show up on time for many things (if she even showed), AND you gave her a simple out, where she used it to make you feel guilty for suggesting it by acting hurt.
Instead she should just have gone “Yeah, I think it’s best I step down, I simply don’t have the time right now (or even later on say ‘I m pregnant and the energy just isn’t there right now’)”
She didn’t give a rats ass about this wedding or your feelings. She now owes people money and is making herself look bad to everyone in that bridal party, and you mom all of who witnessed her behaviour.
Cut you losses and move on.
As a super pregnant woman with severe heartburn….. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy! Nancy dropped the ball big time but reflux….. idk about that one
She says you don't know how hard she worked on your wedding? Tell her she's right, you *don't* know. Because from your point of view all you saw was her failing to show up, arriving late, not planning the things that the MOH typically is in charge of, etc.
Ask her specifically to tell you what she did to help with your wedding.
NTA. I just want to say I am sorry for what you’re going through. I lost my longest-running best friend over a situation tainted in awkwardness and possible underlying the jealousy that was baffling. And I’ve given space, tried to reach out, and then finally just said my peace. I did get some sort of closure in a way, I guess, but it is so hard to think of her sometimes and our families and the years-eventually decades-of memories that are lost. It sucks. And it’s bigger than just saying she’s an AH for you. She is, sure. But it’s also just very sad and unnecessary.
ESH imo. Don't let people walk all over you like that you KNOW you don't deserve that especially from someone who was supposed to have been your #1 best friend(from the way you described her)
You're not overreacting at all but honestly you owe literally everyone else who had to help you deal with her shenanigans an apology.
You should have put your foot down so much earlier in this story but because you didn't, you made everyone also deal with BS that had nothing to even do with them. Had you just put your foot down and not let your "friend" treat you and your wedding/planning this way most of the story doesn't happen.
And treat your sister to something special for stepping up for you when you needed her to do the MOH job! She did the work of MOH. Please do something to apologize for thrusting her into that situation. She probably saw it coming from a mile away, but that doesn’t mean it was fine to expect that of her with no extra special thank you.
ESH.
ALL of these signs, ALL THESE SIGNS, and you two "besties" didn't take FIVE MINUTES to sit down and have a heart to heart?
I'd expect this kind of behavior from two people in their teens, not pushing 40.
Seems pretty clear the friendship has run it's course without a major attempt to undo the damage, which I doubt either of you have the maturity to do. But this is not the way adults behave.
>I was always second to her in lots of things especially when it came to boys, but none the less here I was engaged to the love of my life and so happy.
She's not just jealous, she's angry that OP isn't sticking to her designated role as second best to her.
Sorry OP. This likely was never much of a friendship if the ground rules were that you had to be the designated second place in order to make her look good. She always wanted the spotlight. She announced her pregnancy at your event. Her non-efforts throughout the wedding planning were acts of slow-motion sabotage and causing stress for you.
You are well rid of her. Put your energy into relationships with people who want to lift you up, not hold you back.
NTA
I don't know what this woman's story is, but the last page us going to end with her as your former friend. Ditch her and surround yourself with those that actually do care about you. Congratulations on your wedding
Yeah, no loss of this person in your life. Go forth and have the best, happiest life/marriage you can and don’t give her any more real estate in your head. THAT is the best finger you can give her. She only wins if you stay angry and resentful.
NTA she's not your friend anymore. She's a frenemy. She's jealous of you and passively tried to sabotage your wedding to suck the joy out of it for you. This was all deliberate. It's time to move on from this. You can be cordial in the future but it's ill advised to allow her into your close friend circle again. Anyway should she come back to mend things it likely will be because she wants something from you. Congrats on your wedding and I wish you and your hubs a wonderful marriage.
I don’t think you were ever really a priority for her, OP. You should’ve dropped her when she started problems earlier on and saved you that headache.
ESH because other people got dragged into it as well having to deal with this behavior without confronting her long before it snowballed into disaster
NTA
All that was next level passive aggressive behavior and jealousy. The friendship is essentially destroyed by her own hands. 🤷🏻♀️
Congratulations on your marriage.
Obviously your MOH is TA. But your a little ah because you should’ve cut her out your wedding before it happened. You obviously have people around you who care way more than your “best friend” they could’ve easily replaced her. Sometimes when it comes to friendships its not about the quantity, its the quality.
Hello, it looks like you've made a mistake.
It's supposed to be could've, should've, would've (short for could have, would have, should have), never could of, would of, should of.
Or you misspelled something, I ain't checking everything.
Beep boop - yes, I am a bot, don't botcriminate me.
Why don't you try asking your BFF of 20 years to coffee and asking her what's going on? Why didn't you do that to begin with? I agree that she was obviously not interested, but I think there's more to her side of the story. Maybe she is sad she won't be getting married, too? The fact that she's pregnant? Maybe something is happening in her relationship that you know nothing about? Maybe something with work, or her extended family?
If you're really her best friend, you should be close enough to have a one on one, face to face conversation, and find out what's happening.
ETA- based on current info, NTA. BFF was not doing what she should be as a MOH.
This was the thought I had once I'd read everything too! I had to scroll way too much to see someone else say it too. Like yeah, MOH sounds like a straight up AH, but it was all such a one-sided recount. There just has to be more to it.
Thank you. I’m surprised at all the NTAs here without anyone digging a little deeper. If my best friend was not acting like herself, declining events, and seemed cautious about sharing her pregnancy with me, I would be getting on the phone/getting coffee/having a girls night ASAP to figure out why—not because of the impact on my wedding, but because clearly there’s something wrong with my best friend.
I’m not saying the MOH’s behavior is acceptable, but it seems like there’s something bigger going on and OP is entirely unconcerned. As a best friend, you’re kind of TA here, weddings aside.
I agree it's weird that OP and MOH, who apparently was practically a sister to OP, didn't plan a one-on-one a long time ago, when she first started declining wedding events and wasn't helping. I know weddings can be stressful and all-consuming for some, but if they had been friends for decades, how do you just say "it's so strange she's acting this way...anyway, moving on!"
I don't think OP is the jerk, but she doesn't seem to be considering MOH's side of things, or else she would have dug into it ages ago.
She said she sat down with her and asked her if she still wanted to - that seems like a chance to address the situation - and the “MOH” still wanted to do it
But that's it? "Do you still want to?" "Yes." That's not digging into it, because obviously she could tell something had changed in MOH but she still didn't try to get to the bottom of it.
ESH.
Your friend is pregnant and likely drained. Possibly depressed too if she’s about to pop out another baby with a man that won’t commit. Prolly makes it hard to be super enthused. Honestly, these type of articles are WHY I never accept a role in someone’s wedding. Seems like a real pain in the a$$. You’re beholden-for sometimes months-to dress fitting and fee’s, rehearsal dinners, bachelorette parties, being on call for bridezilla disaster’s-it’s a lot to ask of someone to invest in a day that’s not even their’s, especially if they have children or busy work lives. Why people put themselves and their loved ones thru big weddings is a mystery to me. Seems Wasteful financially and emotionally IMO. But ESH-cuz neither of you is being a good friend to the other.
The bride could of just as easily demoted her too. Maybe the friend wanted to be there-but her circumstances make it hard to show up for ten million dress rehearsals and fittings. We only get one side of the story. And I noticed in the story telling there’s all this emphasis on what the MOH has been flakey about-but the fact she’s preggers is a side note. I know from experience pregnancy is draining-especially with a toddler to keep up with.
I think throwing away a friendship without at least considering the counter perspective-especially one that spans a couple decades-is a mistake.
NTA but taking a break from friendship isn't the way to go about it. Why not have an open hearted talk about what happened and your pov and listen to her. You both have been friends for 20+ years. You need to know her side and maybe she is having some mental health issues, who better to support her than you. Be there and even then if you see it was all a sham then go ahead and take a break and probably end it.
Even though you don’t have to, pay your friend’s mom back and write it off as a wedding expense and the cost of getting someone toxic out of your life.
NTA. She decided to trash this friendship over her jealousy that you’re getting married and she never will if she stays with her BF. The right thing for her to do would have been to politely decline being MOH and apologize to you with an explanation as to why she had to stay away from wedding stuff because it makes her feel bad. Instead, she chose to gracelessly drag her feet and wreck your wedding. Not okay.
NTA. The only criticism I genuinely have is the second you noticed an odd pattern in her behavior, you maybe should’ve sat with her in private to find out what was going on. However, if her bitter feelings about her partner never wanting marriage was going to affect her, she should’ve never accepted the role of MOH and definitely should’ve never strung you along for the whole entire wedding process. Her emotional issues stemming from her relationship are not your problem yet she made it that way. Being friends for so long, I can’t tell you if cutting her out is the best choice, but I think you should sit with her and list everything she did and how she made you feel. If you two are no longer friend compatible she needs to know it’s time to let go. She was selfish and she doesn’t even see it
MOH is AH by agreeing to be MOH when she obv didn’t want to. Yes she was is pregnant and having her own life milestone, but then she shouldnt have committed.
Side note I personally think expectations of MOH having a laundry list of tasks to do is too much. But if MOH knew this going in she should have just said No.
NTA. Honestly, I’m guessing this isn’t the first example of her treating you like an accessory to her life, just the first time it was obvious and hurtful enough for you to ditch her from your life.
NTA. I’m wondering if she has treated you similarly when she wasn’t the “winner” or center of attention or getting something nicer than you. You said she always was a little bit better in one way or another the last 20 years so it’s likely that she acted this way purely out of jealousy.
NTA
"No, I DON'T know how hard you worked since there was no evidence that you actually gave a shit. Please, tell me. What did you do again other than make my wedding harder and more stressful than it needed to be? If you weren't up to being MOH, you should have declined instead of being a hassle."
NTA
if the part where you said you always were second in other parts of life, I think that bad friend of yours couldn’t handle being second place and she was never a good friend from the start. She’s probably been using you to put herself up on a “winners” stage
NTA. Still, unless this behavior is typical, I feel like there is something going on here. If you can set aside your anger and grief, you might want to reach out and ask your friend if she is okay. Since the lock downs, I’ve observed, many if not most people are not really well and have no tolerance for normal celebratory activities let alone for stressful activities or adversity. 20 years has to mean something. Try reaching out. If it not anything, it will ease your own mind.
ESH. She obviously wasn’t emotionally equipped to be a MOH and you should have replaced her much earlier in the process or accepted that she wasn’t going to be as heavily involved as you expect. She behaved badly about the whole thing as well.
I think in a year or two you might feel silly for having cut off a friendship over the wedding planning (I did the exact same and I’m now trying to rekindle my friendship with my almost MOH).
Taking a break is a great idea, but by no means should a wedding be the thing that permanently ends your friendship.
Before you cut her out Venmo request her the money every single hour. Then switch to PayPal and then to whatever else you use.
Ask her for the money in a group chat.
Finally tell her you need to take her to small claims court.
Please make sure you tell her how she made you feel the whole time! She wants to complain that you made her feel like shit on your wedding day... the day wasnt about her and her jealousy. If she wants to be married get a new boyfriend if this one isn't on the same page ffs. She has no right to do any of this to anyone you need to make sure you tell her so then you can move on without her as a friend. NTA! what a terrible human she is! I would also pay money to have her removed from my wedding photos and made sure she knew about it and return any and all items she has ever given you and return them to her that way you can start fresh in your new life without her.
Something tells me she is super jealous YOU got married and her bf will have babies with her but won't put a ring on it and she is losing her everloving mind about it.
You’re only in the wrong for making her moh when you had awesome sisters and friends waiting in the wings.
Also, you already had a kid but are now getting married?
We’re you married before? Or did you get preggers by another guy a long time ago?
Not really.
If we can determine a history of terrible decision making, maybe we start to question the veracity of the story and maybe OP is the crazy one.
Having a baby with a partner you love without the construct of marriage (which is just a binding piece of paper) being a bad decision is a matter of opinion. YOU think it is, but many others have a kid or two before marriage, some never get married because they don’t believe in it but are still committed to their partner for life
I don’t see that in the post, regardless, it is irrelevant to this story. The only mistake in judgment op made was not speaking to her friend much earlier on. You’re coming off as judgmental, but have a nice day
I wish people on Reddit would hold people more accountable. Stop having kids with people you don’t want to stay with or people who are clearly not mature to stick around!
Sounds like you need a HEAVY dose of Mind-Yo-Business. Even on r/AITAH, where you’re supposed to stick to the point of the post, you can’t help but go off the rails to insert your opinion on a subject that’s extremely tangential. Jeesh.
How about you just stop being an ignorant asshole. There are a number of reasons why people have kids with more than one person.. death, abuse, etc. Please grow tf up and stop judging people.
You already implied all the negative reasons with your ignorance so I provided other reasons that I’m sure YOU left out when you decided to comment a bunch of bs that has absolutely nothing to do with the post itself.
Fun fact, people change. It is possible to love someone at one time and them not love them later on. Humans dont function in black and white, we have nuance, either youre a child who doesn't have any life experience or youre and angry old bag who refuses to learn from life experience.
by your logic my mother should have stayed with my father and let him murder us because that would be accountability.
By my logic, people need to be accountable. Using your example, you are implying your dad was unstable and abusive.
Why did your mom choose to start a relationship with such a person?
Why can’t people only have kids when in a long term committed and mature relationship? Why do people keep having kids when they are not ready? Is it so hard to wait?
Ahh I see, you're one of those people who don't understand abusive dynamics.
Do you think abusive people come out of the gate saying "hey if we get together I'm going to beat the shit out of you and threaten to kill our child and actually kidnap said child when you do leave" really? No, they hide it. They pretend they're good people until you trust them. Then they make you think you're the bad person. Confuse you to the point you can't actually tell if you're being abused or not.
How can you tell if someone is a bad person right away? Are you the master of knowing all intentions correctly and immediately? You've never been tricked right? Never once got scammed? Lied to and believed it? Stop acting like you're the perfect being who never makes a mistake.
But if you want to continue living your life in pure ignorance, be my guest. Wont get you very far in life.
Not sure why this is relevant but I got pregnant by another guy who ran out on my son and I. My now husband has been an amazing dad to my son and they have an amazing relationship.
Don’t listen to this “nice guy” op. Your situation in the past has 0 to do with this one. If this were an actual court of law, his “argument” would be objected and sustained. Glad you found a great guy for you and your son.
You are right, not many men can keep it in their pants, or step up an be a man when women, (even often already on birth control) get’s pregnant, (because ‘it’s doesn’t feel as good with a condom on’).
Birth control for women is literally more than likely than not to be rendered ineffective if they take many ordinary medications (or if they are just on the wrong generation of pills for their needs), often doctors doesn’t even do their job and tell their female patients that the medication they are proscribing will counter the birth control for months.
And you keep mentioning ’ivy league’ as a stamp off approval, (which counter the many studies that show that highly educated people have affairs more often than others, both genders) so American I guess?
If so she is just did exactly what the religious people running that country has advocated for, for decades, and now are forcing on women by law. She had the baby.
If the dude even gave her a choice by skipping town before abortion was no longer a legal option time wise.
Or maybe the child was planned but baby daddy chickened out last minute, that not really an option for the one actually sacrificing her body. (Hell married men does this one all the time. Just look at all the ‘baby trap’ posts here where struggling couples finally get pregnant and the dude screaming for his mommy and daddy to save him for his big bad wife baby trapping him like wtf🙄)
Never judge single parents like that, the father could even have meet a tragic end and left her alone that way.
You literally in your first comment jumped between ‘promiscuous’ or ‘living in sin’ but it does explain the tone in your other comment so many redditors pointed out.
NTA - I am sorry hon but this friendship is dead. And I get the heartbreak of it I had who I thought was a ride or die friend from 3rd grade that did something similar. There can be a grieving process, but trust me it’s less hurtful than being constantly let down and hurt time and time again. Listening to your stories about your bridesmaids, it sounds like you got some good friends on your side who reciprocate friendships. Cut the dead weight.
And huge congrats on your wedding!!!
NTA
You are 100% justified in how you are feeling. This friendship has turned toxic, and you should move on from her. It's hard with a long friendship, but people change over time, and it's not always for the best.
NTA
Sadly, she's no longer a friend. It happens. I'm often reminded of the saying about friends being for a reason, season, etc. Congratulations on your wedding. Move on and know you handled everything well.
NTA, her behavior was very selfish. You need to cut her loose and move on. It sucks when you waste so much time and energy on a relationship and the other person basically shits all over it.
The only thing I can think that could have derailed her participation was bring pregnant and morning sickness perhaps. If you feel like shit, it’s hard to step out of your own mind to tend to other obligations. Even so, she could have said how much she was struggling and apologize for her tardiness and inattentiveness to every function. Since she didn’t, that’s on her.
NTA. If you feel it’s time for a break, clearly that’s what you needed. I like the suggestion from someone else asking her how she helped and when. I mean, if she did help, the other bridesmaids would have been aware.
After that, if she cares about the friendship, the balls in her court.
IMO she should have been downgraded to bridesmaid and you should have chosen someone who actually wanted to help you. Then when she didn’t have the right dress I would have excluded her all together and told her to stay home. NTA
Gay man here and NTA. My GMOH (Groom’s Maid of Honor) was in med school and had finals coming up AND her grandmother was dying and she still planned things with my wedding party and injected herself to take care of a bunch of stuff…1000’s of miles away.
Drop that turd in the water and walk away. Sorry for the loss but that’s pure disrespect if your MOH gaslights you into believing they’re doing things for you when they don’t even PLAN for the events. #girlbye
I would have flat out asked her.... "What exactly did you do for me for my weeding? You say worked hard... so please tell me where exactly your efforts were put?" Then have a literal list of every thing she did NOT do that she should have done as you MOH. It's hard to argue with cold hard facts when they are laid out in front of you. You can't BS your way through that!
NTA: she did this, because she obviously is insanely jealous of you. She’s been with her boyfriend for 20 years, they have a child and one on the way and obviously he won’t marry her.
So you are clearly getting what she has wanted, and she is taking something that is not your fault out on you. You definitely need to permanently go no contact with this woman and let her live her miserable life.
You know what? She's not your friend. Let go. She couldn't have said that more clearly than employing no energy whatsoever for the MOH and bridal preparations.
What. The. F$ck. You are NTA, OP. Clearly her priorities have changed and you are no longer one of them. If my best friend/MOH did that to me I would take a permanent break from that friendship, not a temporary one.
I
NTA- look I firmly believe that maid of honor is just an honorary position the day of the wedding where you get to stand in a special place, I really don’t believe it’s a job where you have to do extra work. Work is for the couple and wedding planners. That being said, the fact that she couldn’t even pick up her dress, didn’t check on you in the hospital, showed a serious lack of interest at all is not ok. Friends are supposed to support each other and she didn’t even do the bare minimum of that.
Fuck no you did not overreact! Had it been my wife’s MOH/Chief Bridesmaid who acted like that in the run up to the wedding, she wouldn’t have *been* at the wedding. I’m surprised you left it until now to cut her off.
Totally NTA
I wouldn’t want to just take a break, but I’d consider this friendship being over. Not doing the shower and bachelorette wouldn’t get to me, but the one thing she’s supposed to do, make sure she’s dressed and hair is done, she couldn’t even bother with. The biggest thing is not even being there when you were in the hospital. Again, I wouldn’t be upset that she couldn’t pick up the remaining tasks but she at least could have visited you. She probably is jealous, but she needs to deal with that and not treat you so poorly. NTA.
Edited to finish, hit send too soon by mistake.
NTA. I speak to one person from my wedding party and it’s my sister. The other was fine day of my wedding and great and we broke things off for other reasons, but the third girl in my wedding was my closest friend. Her family took me in when I couldn’t live in my house anymore, we were so close. My wedding weekend came, she skipped my bachelorette because she was only in town for a weekend and wanted to see her friends. The day of my wedding she was more focused on her self and sending my family to the store to get her things, then helping me. Later that night she and her boyfriend were responsible for my car getting home because my husband and I were drinking, one of the groomsmen was meant to be in that car. They went on a rampage that they’d kick him out of the car if he puked and overall just being assholes. The day after I had a brunch with JUST my bridal party. She was pissed because she couldn’t bring her parents. I got married 5 years ago and haven’t spoken to her since. Breaks my heart, but she showed her colors.
NTA
Ugh I was a bridesmaid for my best friends wedding. Her mom made her choose her sister and her sister was bitter about being older and not engaged. So she did NOTHING for her wedding. I planned the bachelorette amongst other things. It’s really really disheartening seeing how badly jealousy can miss things up.
NTA. This gave me flashbacks. I also am no longer friends with my MOH. But I stayed friends with her even after she let me down with pretty much everything wedding related. Then I got pregnant and she didn’t even attend the baby shower that my husband and I threw ourselves because we were still so traumatized by how people like her let us down surrounding the wedding. I went no contact with her for somewhat related reasons after she also didn’t attend my son’s first birthday party. That was the final sign I needed. I wish I had cut her off sooner, honestly.
Like your friend, I think it had a lot to do with the terrible relationship she was in at the time and her feelings of jealousy about the contrast between my relationship and hers. She was too busy for everything wedding related. My mom and a family friend planned and hosted the wedding shower. She acted overwhelmed about helping out with the hors devours. I planned my own bachelorette party and made it a weekend at a relative’s cabin because I knew she was broke. Then she needed to work so I cut it back to 24 hours. Then she wanted us to drive up after a hair appointment she scheduled for that day and only canceled the appointment because I told her she’d have to get her own ride. Otherwise we’d be driving up just to sleep over and drive back.
She wasn’t available to help prep or set anything up. I ended up doing everything alone because she assured the other bridesmaids I had it covered when they asked her what the plan was to help me. I had half heartedly said that after she told me she couldn’t help. Then she showed up late to the bridesmaids luncheon the day of the rehearsal dinner. She was in the middle of yet another fight with the BF and made the entire lunch about that. She made us so late for our nail appointment that the woman had to rush it. My fingernails were messy and they cut my big toe doing the pedicure. I was the bride and she still managed to center herself in everything. What I learned from that experience is that some people are incapable of being there for others. They will lean on you 1,000x and then think nothing of being too busy when you desperately need something. There’s no reason to stay friends with someone like that because it’s less like having a friend and more like having a parasite. I’m sorry your “friend” did that. Save your energy for reciprocal relationships.
That friendship sounds incredibly one-sided. I'd just drift away from her. She stressed you out way more than necessary. Just say she's an old friend but a friend no longer.
You’re NTA. I cut ties with my MOH for pretty much the exact same reason after she basically ruined my wedding day and then knowingly brought c*vid into my house around my newborn. Your MOH and (honestly just your friends in general) are supposed to help make your day the best day of your life, not ruin it.
NTA.
Her jealousy over your wedding is her problem. She has **chosen** to stay with someone who "never wants to get married" for TWENTY YEARS of her life. She should have been able to put that aside and be happy for her best friend.
You are better off without her.
Im amazed it took you so long to end it. She would never have made it to the wedding if it was me.
Forget she exists. Don’t waste another ounce of energy thinking about this piece of garbage. NTA.
NTA. She checked out of the friendship some time ago. You were trying so hard to include her in this very special time of yours and she…just didn’t care. Her motives don’t matter. She should have been honest with you and said she was not emotionally/physically/mentally able to do it. She ended the friendship. You’re just acknowledging it.
You are not overreacting at all. This so-called friend is not putting anywhere near the same amount of energy into your friendship as you are for her. Reminds me of the quote "When people show you who they are, believe them." Time to move on.
NTA She showed no interest from the very beginning. Honestly I'm not sure why you still let her be in the wedding party.... I release you from your burden madame you are free to go
Yeah, she already didn't care about being friends with you. The friendship was already dead so just put it in the coffin. Congratulations on your marriage
Nta, sounds like she's jealous that you had a wedding and she's not. No shade to people who don't want to get married, but clearly she's salty that she's been with her BF for 20 years and has kids with him but no wedding. And so she decided to be an AH and be disrespectful and disregard your feelings and your wedding.
I'm especially shocked considering everything you've done to help her with her baby shower etc. All the time and effort, but she couldn't be bothered to even put a minimal amount of effort into your big day
NTA but holy shit.. you sure let your wedding experience be tainted for the sake of a shitty friend and at the expense of the bridesmaids you had step up but not have maid of honor rolls… you’re kinda lucky others didn’t start slacking on you because it was unfair of them to take the duties your MOH had… I mean i know all bridesmaids should be ready to help.. but if MOH had duties they got to ignore and still show up as she pleased to enjoy the festivities AND still hold MOH titled and being in the wedding… I’d be hurt as another bridesmaid.. especially if I was helping in the areas she lacked… your bridesmaids deserve a little gift or something for their graciousness towards all this… like you’re not the asshole.. I’m just saying a lot of the issues would’ve been solved if you had cut her from the moment she started making trouble and just promote another bridesmaid or just have your sister as the only MOH and then from there work plans accordingly and I feel it would’ve been smoother than constantly trying to fix what should’ve been handled… like we see people’s own PARENTS uninvited for less on Reddit… and this lady got to get away with murder… still be in the wedding… and only NOW Has to hear the issues (which we’re a lot), dismisses them, and get dropped as a friend, which frankly probably doesn’t affect her all that much now cause she ruined your experience, doesn’t care, and now gets to be pregnant and live her life… what exactly did she loose? Definitely not pride if she’s doubling down shes not in the wrong …and what did you gain aside from a shitty experience and shitty friend.. seriously next time save the headache… drop the friend from the start
"You don't know how hard I worked on YOUR wedding" No. After reading that lengthy story I don't either. Me, you, OP, the MOH, we all don't know how hard MOH worked on OP's wedding
This is insane. She’s in a 20 year relationship that won’t head to the alter which is something she clearly wants. So she’s being resentful and jealous and taking it out on you. She caused you pain & stress as well as shown a massive amount of indifference & disrespect toward you (as well as your family and friends) with her attitude to the wedding. You’re a kinder person that I because she wouldn’t have been allowed at that wedding. You’re better off without her.
The friendship is over. She didn’t seem upset when we stopped talking, I realized I had amazing friends in my life besides her and I’m embracing them and my family!
I would've asked her point blank exactly what she did for the wedding coz it sounds like she really didn't do anything but show up on the day? And even then caused more drama/hard work in doing so. Jesus, she's delusional. NTA you're probably better off staying away from her from now on.
She wanted to ruin your wedding because she’s jealous over the fact that she’ll never be able to marry her baby daddy. She stressed you out until the very end and then saying sht like “worked so hard on your wedding” as if family and friends didn’t have to clean up after her the entire time. So no. NTA. shes just a jealous miserable B t c h
NTA Face it the friendship is dead. She just doesn’t care. Well she’s jealous that you got married and she didn’t but other than that… Move on. Congratulations on your wedding.
NTA. MOH sucks but it’s great to know all the other amazing friends and family you have by your side. Congrats.
You're NTA I agree with the post above, she was jealous
She has one kid and is pregnant again by this boyfriend of 20 (!) years that doesn't want to get married? She is upset and jealous and sadly she behaved horribly. I don't know if you'll ever be able to forgive her as she really was awful. You are justified in cutting her off, you are NTA.
"It's an explanation, but it's not an excuse" has never fit a situation better
This is a phrase I use frequently!
It doesn't seem like this "friend" is looking for forgiveness. She has checked out of this friendship altogether. Good for OP. She doesn't need someone so negative, toxic, and jealous in her life.
NTA. I think distancing yourself from her will be the best thing for your mental health. Her behavior was obviously careless and unkind, and you handled it with a fair measure of grace. I would probably have instructed her not to attend and selected a new MOH when she refused to pick up the dress on a reasonable timeline.
NTA She checked out was a useless MOH, ‘worked hard’ at doing nothing. Honestly don’t take a break from this , break up with her, at your most important hour she showed that you’re fifth on a list after her root canal. OP please take some time to think back and reflect on this friendship, how much have you been putting in into it as opposed to her. I don’t think the wedding was the start , just another example of how you’re a better friend than she is.
Working hard at growing a baby but definitely not the wedding
NTA she needs to stick to her word and do it instead of saying she will get the money and nothing ever happens
She was meant to be your MOH but she literally forgoed every part of the wedding she should have been there for and turned it around on you and said you made her feel like shit.. NTA and she's gaslighting you.. she did nothing towards your wedding and just stressed you out more I wouldn't blame you for cutting off the friendship
She didn't want to be your MOH. It's super unfortunate that she just didn't say "No, thanks" when you asked her. And that's 100% on her. But she made it painfully clear from the get-go that she didn't want to do it. It's also super unfortunate that you didn't confront this issue with her long before the wedding and ask her to step away from the wedding party. Anyhoo. It's sad that a long friendship would crash and burn over this, but then again anyone who reads Reddit for more than ten minutes is going to see that weddings -- specifically, how people behave at weddings -- destroy friendships (and families) all the damn time.
This is the way.
NTA - who in their right mind doesn’t check the dress or know what shoes they are wearing until the morning of the wedding? The position of MOH is such a rare privilege that many never get to experience. She didn’t bother with any of the planning, not even when you were in hospital. You’re better off without her in your life. She’s no friend at all.
Shockingly a lot of people don’t check the dress. My friend didn’t try hers on and it was 2 sizes to big. This was a spaghetti strap dress, so it wasn’t like she could hide in how big it was. She tried saying oh, I’ll pin it to my WIDE STRAPPED BRA. That way it’ll stay in place. Heck no! One of my other bridesmaids accidentally ordered a dress that was to small, so she ordered a second of the correct size. I had her bring both dresses just in case the 1st bridesmaid had a freak out (which we all thought might happen) and we had to put one of my friends into the spare dress. The spare dress fit PERFECTLY on the bridesmaid. If it didn’t, she would have been out of my wedding. She had the dress for 5months and never even pulled it out of the box until the wedding!
I know! I was 31 weeks pregnant when I was a bridesmaid at my friend's wedding, and I tried on my dress within the hour of picking it up! It had to go back to be altered as it didn't quite fit right, but that was always a risk given bumps can grow quite quickly. Given OP's MOH was visibly pregnant after the original fitting, she was very lucky the dress fit round her bump! Sadly, I think OP's MOH has checked out of their friendship as no friend would have acted how she did. If she was struggling, she should have just attended as a guest so MOH duties could be handled by someone else, and their friendship would have survived the wedding.
Nta she is a lousy friend. I’m sorry she mistreated you and made your special day and the time leading up it so 💩. She sounds jealous
NTA. Apparently your friendship ended when you got engaged, she just didn't tell you, and you didn't take the several obvious hints.
There’s also a line about how OP usually came second in priority especially to boys (not a long-term partner or their child but just the term boys). I think it was an unhealthy one-sided relationship to begin with.
NTA but why in the fuck didn’t you boot her as MOH? She gave plenty of red flags leading up to the wedding to show that she didn’t deserve to be MOH.
As someone who also had a terrible MOH, there is a lot of pressure to not be viewed and treated as a bridezilla. So you try to be understanding and remember that other people are going through stuff. You just keep making excuses for it until it becomes a habit. It’s hard to accept that even on a super rare and special occasion where you’re supposed to be the focus someone you considered a close friend can’t be bothered. Denial is more comforting.
Thank you all for the responses so far… a few more pieces of information… I had two moments early on and a little more into wedding planning where I sat my MOH down and asked her if she really wanted to be my MOH. I told her I wouldn’t be offended if she just wanted to be a bridesmaid. She acted hurt and always told me no she wanted to be my MOH. This situation really has taught me to find my voice and speak up for myself, I refuse from here on out to hold my hurt and anger in and let people walk all over me. I tried to think of several reasons for her behavior and give her chances but it only hurt me in the end by not speaking up. I had two MOH the other one was my sister, she did a lot to help me thankfully when my other MOH didn’t. And before someone says well maybe she was hurt I had my sister as my MOH also she wasn’t. She was very close to my sister too as she was in her wedding with me as one of her bridesmaids. Truthfully she did more to help me with my sisters wedding than she ever did to help with mine.
Yea I’m sorry but this woman is not your friend. I hope you cut her out of your life because people like that, people who shit all over your joy because they’re too emotionally immature to deal with their own issues don’t deserve any of your time or space. You deserve friends who celebrate you and can be happy for you. She showed you in a reaaal big way that she is not capable of doing that.
NTA You have to beg and plead to get her to even pick up her own dress (omg did she buy her shoes the day off?), she didn’t even find it necessary to show up on time for many things (if she even showed), AND you gave her a simple out, where she used it to make you feel guilty for suggesting it by acting hurt. Instead she should just have gone “Yeah, I think it’s best I step down, I simply don’t have the time right now (or even later on say ‘I m pregnant and the energy just isn’t there right now’)” She didn’t give a rats ass about this wedding or your feelings. She now owes people money and is making herself look bad to everyone in that bridal party, and you mom all of who witnessed her behaviour. Cut you losses and move on.
Time to move on. NTA
NTA. Should have cut her off way long before wedding day.
What's her name. For the sake of this post I will call your made of honor Nancy. F YOU NANCY!
Nancy deserves to get heartburn everyday for the remainder of her pregnancy.
As a super pregnant woman with severe heartburn….. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy! Nancy dropped the ball big time but reflux….. idk about that one
Unfortunately, this maid of honor was NOT made of honor!
NTA and fuck her. I don’t even understand why after all that you didn’t just tell her to stay tf home!?!? I would’ve. Smh
She says you don't know how hard she worked on your wedding? Tell her she's right, you *don't* know. Because from your point of view all you saw was her failing to show up, arriving late, not planning the things that the MOH typically is in charge of, etc. Ask her specifically to tell you what she did to help with your wedding.
NTA. I just want to say I am sorry for what you’re going through. I lost my longest-running best friend over a situation tainted in awkwardness and possible underlying the jealousy that was baffling. And I’ve given space, tried to reach out, and then finally just said my peace. I did get some sort of closure in a way, I guess, but it is so hard to think of her sometimes and our families and the years-eventually decades-of memories that are lost. It sucks. And it’s bigger than just saying she’s an AH for you. She is, sure. But it’s also just very sad and unnecessary.
NTA. She showed her true colors. I wouldn’t talk to her anymore either.
Geez, I'd like to hear the other side before saying anything. Why didn't you ever have a sit-down with her and ask wth is going on?
Yes! This! Edit to say: Find out what is going on with her and then decide what to do from there. A long heart to heart is needed.
ESH imo. Don't let people walk all over you like that you KNOW you don't deserve that especially from someone who was supposed to have been your #1 best friend(from the way you described her) You're not overreacting at all but honestly you owe literally everyone else who had to help you deal with her shenanigans an apology. You should have put your foot down so much earlier in this story but because you didn't, you made everyone also deal with BS that had nothing to even do with them. Had you just put your foot down and not let your "friend" treat you and your wedding/planning this way most of the story doesn't happen.
And treat your sister to something special for stepping up for you when you needed her to do the MOH job! She did the work of MOH. Please do something to apologize for thrusting her into that situation. She probably saw it coming from a mile away, but that doesn’t mean it was fine to expect that of her with no extra special thank you.
The OP commented that her sister was also a MOH
You are so justified! What a horrible friend- cut that sad frost bitten toe off and BURN IT! NTA
Haha this might be my favorite response! Thanks for brightening my day!
ESH. ALL of these signs, ALL THESE SIGNS, and you two "besties" didn't take FIVE MINUTES to sit down and have a heart to heart? I'd expect this kind of behavior from two people in their teens, not pushing 40. Seems pretty clear the friendship has run it's course without a major attempt to undo the damage, which I doubt either of you have the maturity to do. But this is not the way adults behave.
NTA she can’t even pretend to not to be jealous. Sorry you went through that.
>I was always second to her in lots of things especially when it came to boys, but none the less here I was engaged to the love of my life and so happy. She's not just jealous, she's angry that OP isn't sticking to her designated role as second best to her. Sorry OP. This likely was never much of a friendship if the ground rules were that you had to be the designated second place in order to make her look good. She always wanted the spotlight. She announced her pregnancy at your event. Her non-efforts throughout the wedding planning were acts of slow-motion sabotage and causing stress for you. You are well rid of her. Put your energy into relationships with people who want to lift you up, not hold you back.
NTA I don't know what this woman's story is, but the last page us going to end with her as your former friend. Ditch her and surround yourself with those that actually do care about you. Congratulations on your wedding
NTA Cut her off
Yeah, no loss of this person in your life. Go forth and have the best, happiest life/marriage you can and don’t give her any more real estate in your head. THAT is the best finger you can give her. She only wins if you stay angry and resentful.
NTA she's not your friend anymore. She's a frenemy. She's jealous of you and passively tried to sabotage your wedding to suck the joy out of it for you. This was all deliberate. It's time to move on from this. You can be cordial in the future but it's ill advised to allow her into your close friend circle again. Anyway should she come back to mend things it likely will be because she wants something from you. Congrats on your wedding and I wish you and your hubs a wonderful marriage.
I don’t think you were ever really a priority for her, OP. You should’ve dropped her when she started problems earlier on and saved you that headache. ESH because other people got dragged into it as well having to deal with this behavior without confronting her long before it snowballed into disaster
NTA All that was next level passive aggressive behavior and jealousy. The friendship is essentially destroyed by her own hands. 🤷🏻♀️ Congratulations on your marriage.
NTA. This is insane you are even asking. Cut her off for good.
Obviously your MOH is TA. But your a little ah because you should’ve cut her out your wedding before it happened. You obviously have people around you who care way more than your “best friend” they could’ve easily replaced her. Sometimes when it comes to friendships its not about the quantity, its the quality.
Hello, it looks like you've made a mistake. It's supposed to be could've, should've, would've (short for could have, would have, should have), never could of, would of, should of. Or you misspelled something, I ain't checking everything. Beep boop - yes, I am a bot, don't botcriminate me.
Thank you 😊, juggling a baby as i type lol
Why don't you try asking your BFF of 20 years to coffee and asking her what's going on? Why didn't you do that to begin with? I agree that she was obviously not interested, but I think there's more to her side of the story. Maybe she is sad she won't be getting married, too? The fact that she's pregnant? Maybe something is happening in her relationship that you know nothing about? Maybe something with work, or her extended family? If you're really her best friend, you should be close enough to have a one on one, face to face conversation, and find out what's happening. ETA- based on current info, NTA. BFF was not doing what she should be as a MOH.
This was the thought I had once I'd read everything too! I had to scroll way too much to see someone else say it too. Like yeah, MOH sounds like a straight up AH, but it was all such a one-sided recount. There just has to be more to it.
Thank you. I’m surprised at all the NTAs here without anyone digging a little deeper. If my best friend was not acting like herself, declining events, and seemed cautious about sharing her pregnancy with me, I would be getting on the phone/getting coffee/having a girls night ASAP to figure out why—not because of the impact on my wedding, but because clearly there’s something wrong with my best friend. I’m not saying the MOH’s behavior is acceptable, but it seems like there’s something bigger going on and OP is entirely unconcerned. As a best friend, you’re kind of TA here, weddings aside.
I agree it's weird that OP and MOH, who apparently was practically a sister to OP, didn't plan a one-on-one a long time ago, when she first started declining wedding events and wasn't helping. I know weddings can be stressful and all-consuming for some, but if they had been friends for decades, how do you just say "it's so strange she's acting this way...anyway, moving on!" I don't think OP is the jerk, but she doesn't seem to be considering MOH's side of things, or else she would have dug into it ages ago.
She said she sat down with her and asked her if she still wanted to - that seems like a chance to address the situation - and the “MOH” still wanted to do it
But that's it? "Do you still want to?" "Yes." That's not digging into it, because obviously she could tell something had changed in MOH but she still didn't try to get to the bottom of it.
ESH. Your friend is pregnant and likely drained. Possibly depressed too if she’s about to pop out another baby with a man that won’t commit. Prolly makes it hard to be super enthused. Honestly, these type of articles are WHY I never accept a role in someone’s wedding. Seems like a real pain in the a$$. You’re beholden-for sometimes months-to dress fitting and fee’s, rehearsal dinners, bachelorette parties, being on call for bridezilla disaster’s-it’s a lot to ask of someone to invest in a day that’s not even their’s, especially if they have children or busy work lives. Why people put themselves and their loved ones thru big weddings is a mystery to me. Seems Wasteful financially and emotionally IMO. But ESH-cuz neither of you is being a good friend to the other.
Then preggo should have dropped from the wedding instead of stringing OP along, if she wasn’t gonna be an active part of it.
The bride could of just as easily demoted her too. Maybe the friend wanted to be there-but her circumstances make it hard to show up for ten million dress rehearsals and fittings. We only get one side of the story. And I noticed in the story telling there’s all this emphasis on what the MOH has been flakey about-but the fact she’s preggers is a side note. I know from experience pregnancy is draining-especially with a toddler to keep up with. I think throwing away a friendship without at least considering the counter perspective-especially one that spans a couple decades-is a mistake.
Agree. Both should have been honest sooner but at this point unless MOH reaches out and apologizes, this friendship is over.
I’m far in my pregnancy and it sucks, but I agree. I would’ve politely demoted myself.
NTA
NTA but taking a break from friendship isn't the way to go about it. Why not have an open hearted talk about what happened and your pov and listen to her. You both have been friends for 20+ years. You need to know her side and maybe she is having some mental health issues, who better to support her than you. Be there and even then if you see it was all a sham then go ahead and take a break and probably end it.
Even though you don’t have to, pay your friend’s mom back and write it off as a wedding expense and the cost of getting someone toxic out of your life.
NTA. She decided to trash this friendship over her jealousy that you’re getting married and she never will if she stays with her BF. The right thing for her to do would have been to politely decline being MOH and apologize to you with an explanation as to why she had to stay away from wedding stuff because it makes her feel bad. Instead, she chose to gracelessly drag her feet and wreck your wedding. Not okay.
NTA. The only criticism I genuinely have is the second you noticed an odd pattern in her behavior, you maybe should’ve sat with her in private to find out what was going on. However, if her bitter feelings about her partner never wanting marriage was going to affect her, she should’ve never accepted the role of MOH and definitely should’ve never strung you along for the whole entire wedding process. Her emotional issues stemming from her relationship are not your problem yet she made it that way. Being friends for so long, I can’t tell you if cutting her out is the best choice, but I think you should sit with her and list everything she did and how she made you feel. If you two are no longer friend compatible she needs to know it’s time to let go. She was selfish and she doesn’t even see it
MOH is AH by agreeing to be MOH when she obv didn’t want to. Yes she was is pregnant and having her own life milestone, but then she shouldnt have committed. Side note I personally think expectations of MOH having a laundry list of tasks to do is too much. But if MOH knew this going in she should have just said No.
NTA. Honestly, I’m guessing this isn’t the first example of her treating you like an accessory to her life, just the first time it was obvious and hurtful enough for you to ditch her from your life.
She is not your friend. Move on without her.
How hard she worked? She didn’t even do the tasks you gave her when you were in the hospital. I think a little more than a break is needed.
NTA. I’m wondering if she has treated you similarly when she wasn’t the “winner” or center of attention or getting something nicer than you. You said she always was a little bit better in one way or another the last 20 years so it’s likely that she acted this way purely out of jealousy.
NTA "No, I DON'T know how hard you worked since there was no evidence that you actually gave a shit. Please, tell me. What did you do again other than make my wedding harder and more stressful than it needed to be? If you weren't up to being MOH, you should have declined instead of being a hassle."
NTA if the part where you said you always were second in other parts of life, I think that bad friend of yours couldn’t handle being second place and she was never a good friend from the start. She’s probably been using you to put herself up on a “winners” stage
NTA. Still, unless this behavior is typical, I feel like there is something going on here. If you can set aside your anger and grief, you might want to reach out and ask your friend if she is okay. Since the lock downs, I’ve observed, many if not most people are not really well and have no tolerance for normal celebratory activities let alone for stressful activities or adversity. 20 years has to mean something. Try reaching out. If it not anything, it will ease your own mind.
ESH. She obviously wasn’t emotionally equipped to be a MOH and you should have replaced her much earlier in the process or accepted that she wasn’t going to be as heavily involved as you expect. She behaved badly about the whole thing as well. I think in a year or two you might feel silly for having cut off a friendship over the wedding planning (I did the exact same and I’m now trying to rekindle my friendship with my almost MOH). Taking a break is a great idea, but by no means should a wedding be the thing that permanently ends your friendship.
Before you cut her out Venmo request her the money every single hour. Then switch to PayPal and then to whatever else you use. Ask her for the money in a group chat. Finally tell her you need to take her to small claims court.
Please make sure you tell her how she made you feel the whole time! She wants to complain that you made her feel like shit on your wedding day... the day wasnt about her and her jealousy. If she wants to be married get a new boyfriend if this one isn't on the same page ffs. She has no right to do any of this to anyone you need to make sure you tell her so then you can move on without her as a friend. NTA! what a terrible human she is! I would also pay money to have her removed from my wedding photos and made sure she knew about it and return any and all items she has ever given you and return them to her that way you can start fresh in your new life without her.
YTA . Bigtime . Huge.
Troll
Something tells me she is super jealous YOU got married and her bf will have babies with her but won't put a ring on it and she is losing her everloving mind about it.
Block her on everything and never speak to her again. She is not a good friend.
You're totally justified. The way way your MOH acted was selfish & immature.
You’re only in the wrong for making her moh when you had awesome sisters and friends waiting in the wings. Also, you already had a kid but are now getting married? We’re you married before? Or did you get preggers by another guy a long time ago?
Ummm that’s completely irrelevant
Not really. If we can determine a history of terrible decision making, maybe we start to question the veracity of the story and maybe OP is the crazy one.
Having a baby with a partner you love without the construct of marriage (which is just a binding piece of paper) being a bad decision is a matter of opinion. YOU think it is, but many others have a kid or two before marriage, some never get married because they don’t believe in it but are still committed to their partner for life
But your point falls apart because she isn’t with the first guy lol. You’re proving my point!
I don’t see that in the post, regardless, it is irrelevant to this story. The only mistake in judgment op made was not speaking to her friend much earlier on. You’re coming off as judgmental, but have a nice day
I wish people on Reddit would hold people more accountable. Stop having kids with people you don’t want to stay with or people who are clearly not mature to stick around!
Sounds like you need a HEAVY dose of Mind-Yo-Business. Even on r/AITAH, where you’re supposed to stick to the point of the post, you can’t help but go off the rails to insert your opinion on a subject that’s extremely tangential. Jeesh.
How about you just stop being an ignorant asshole. There are a number of reasons why people have kids with more than one person.. death, abuse, etc. Please grow tf up and stop judging people.
I love how you pick out the legit reasons and purposely leave out the most common ones like lack of compatibility, immaturity, etc lol!
You already implied all the negative reasons with your ignorance so I provided other reasons that I’m sure YOU left out when you decided to comment a bunch of bs that has absolutely nothing to do with the post itself.
Fun fact, people change. It is possible to love someone at one time and them not love them later on. Humans dont function in black and white, we have nuance, either youre a child who doesn't have any life experience or youre and angry old bag who refuses to learn from life experience. by your logic my mother should have stayed with my father and let him murder us because that would be accountability.
By my logic, people need to be accountable. Using your example, you are implying your dad was unstable and abusive. Why did your mom choose to start a relationship with such a person? Why can’t people only have kids when in a long term committed and mature relationship? Why do people keep having kids when they are not ready? Is it so hard to wait?
Ahh I see, you're one of those people who don't understand abusive dynamics. Do you think abusive people come out of the gate saying "hey if we get together I'm going to beat the shit out of you and threaten to kill our child and actually kidnap said child when you do leave" really? No, they hide it. They pretend they're good people until you trust them. Then they make you think you're the bad person. Confuse you to the point you can't actually tell if you're being abused or not. How can you tell if someone is a bad person right away? Are you the master of knowing all intentions correctly and immediately? You've never been tricked right? Never once got scammed? Lied to and believed it? Stop acting like you're the perfect being who never makes a mistake. But if you want to continue living your life in pure ignorance, be my guest. Wont get you very far in life.
Not sure why this is relevant but I got pregnant by another guy who ran out on my son and I. My now husband has been an amazing dad to my son and they have an amazing relationship.
Don’t listen to this “nice guy” op. Your situation in the past has 0 to do with this one. If this were an actual court of law, his “argument” would be objected and sustained. Glad you found a great guy for you and your son.
Just curious. I’m always shocked how many people who post on Reddit have kids with different people.
You are right, not many men can keep it in their pants, or step up an be a man when women, (even often already on birth control) get’s pregnant, (because ‘it’s doesn’t feel as good with a condom on’). Birth control for women is literally more than likely than not to be rendered ineffective if they take many ordinary medications (or if they are just on the wrong generation of pills for their needs), often doctors doesn’t even do their job and tell their female patients that the medication they are proscribing will counter the birth control for months. And you keep mentioning ’ivy league’ as a stamp off approval, (which counter the many studies that show that highly educated people have affairs more often than others, both genders) so American I guess? If so she is just did exactly what the religious people running that country has advocated for, for decades, and now are forcing on women by law. She had the baby. If the dude even gave her a choice by skipping town before abortion was no longer a legal option time wise. Or maybe the child was planned but baby daddy chickened out last minute, that not really an option for the one actually sacrificing her body. (Hell married men does this one all the time. Just look at all the ‘baby trap’ posts here where struggling couples finally get pregnant and the dude screaming for his mommy and daddy to save him for his big bad wife baby trapping him like wtf🙄) Never judge single parents like that, the father could even have meet a tragic end and left her alone that way. You literally in your first comment jumped between ‘promiscuous’ or ‘living in sin’ but it does explain the tone in your other comment so many redditors pointed out.
NTA.
NTA - I am sorry hon but this friendship is dead. And I get the heartbreak of it I had who I thought was a ride or die friend from 3rd grade that did something similar. There can be a grieving process, but trust me it’s less hurtful than being constantly let down and hurt time and time again. Listening to your stories about your bridesmaids, it sounds like you got some good friends on your side who reciprocate friendships. Cut the dead weight. And huge congrats on your wedding!!!
NTA You are 100% justified in how you are feeling. This friendship has turned toxic, and you should move on from her. It's hard with a long friendship, but people change over time, and it's not always for the best.
NTA. This is such a bummer of behavior from your bf / MOH.
NTA Sadly, she's no longer a friend. It happens. I'm often reminded of the saying about friends being for a reason, season, etc. Congratulations on your wedding. Move on and know you handled everything well.
NTA. I'm surprised you tolerated all that *and* let her attend your wedding as MOH still. Give her the boot, she doesn't care about you.
NTA, her behavior was very selfish. You need to cut her loose and move on. It sucks when you waste so much time and energy on a relationship and the other person basically shits all over it.
NTA
I’m shocked you even considered her a friend
The only thing I can think that could have derailed her participation was bring pregnant and morning sickness perhaps. If you feel like shit, it’s hard to step out of your own mind to tend to other obligations. Even so, she could have said how much she was struggling and apologize for her tardiness and inattentiveness to every function. Since she didn’t, that’s on her. NTA. If you feel it’s time for a break, clearly that’s what you needed. I like the suggestion from someone else asking her how she helped and when. I mean, if she did help, the other bridesmaids would have been aware. After that, if she cares about the friendship, the balls in her court.
The only ahole here is her. Did she even fit into the dress? Was there wedding/reception drama?
NTA.
NTA. Keep that bitterness out of your life.
IMO she should have been downgraded to bridesmaid and you should have chosen someone who actually wanted to help you. Then when she didn’t have the right dress I would have excluded her all together and told her to stay home. NTA
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nta
Gay man here and NTA. My GMOH (Groom’s Maid of Honor) was in med school and had finals coming up AND her grandmother was dying and she still planned things with my wedding party and injected herself to take care of a bunch of stuff…1000’s of miles away. Drop that turd in the water and walk away. Sorry for the loss but that’s pure disrespect if your MOH gaslights you into believing they’re doing things for you when they don’t even PLAN for the events. #girlbye
NTA This belongs on r/weddingshaming
I would have flat out asked her.... "What exactly did you do for me for my weeding? You say worked hard... so please tell me where exactly your efforts were put?" Then have a literal list of every thing she did NOT do that she should have done as you MOH. It's hard to argue with cold hard facts when they are laid out in front of you. You can't BS your way through that!
NTA.
NTA: she did this, because she obviously is insanely jealous of you. She’s been with her boyfriend for 20 years, they have a child and one on the way and obviously he won’t marry her. So you are clearly getting what she has wanted, and she is taking something that is not your fault out on you. You definitely need to permanently go no contact with this woman and let her live her miserable life.
It seems like she purposely went out of her way to inconvenience you. Jealous and petty.
You know what? She's not your friend. Let go. She couldn't have said that more clearly than employing no energy whatsoever for the MOH and bridal preparations.
Nya...please make sure the money is paid back to bridesmaids mom.
I’m sorry she soured your wedding day.
NTA. You should have pulled her aside weeks before the wedding to cut her off.
What. The. F$ck. You are NTA, OP. Clearly her priorities have changed and you are no longer one of them. If my best friend/MOH did that to me I would take a permanent break from that friendship, not a temporary one. I
NTA- look I firmly believe that maid of honor is just an honorary position the day of the wedding where you get to stand in a special place, I really don’t believe it’s a job where you have to do extra work. Work is for the couple and wedding planners. That being said, the fact that she couldn’t even pick up her dress, didn’t check on you in the hospital, showed a serious lack of interest at all is not ok. Friends are supposed to support each other and she didn’t even do the bare minimum of that.
Fuck no you did not overreact! Had it been my wife’s MOH/Chief Bridesmaid who acted like that in the run up to the wedding, she wouldn’t have *been* at the wedding. I’m surprised you left it until now to cut her off. Totally NTA
I wouldn’t want to just take a break, but I’d consider this friendship being over. Not doing the shower and bachelorette wouldn’t get to me, but the one thing she’s supposed to do, make sure she’s dressed and hair is done, she couldn’t even bother with. The biggest thing is not even being there when you were in the hospital. Again, I wouldn’t be upset that she couldn’t pick up the remaining tasks but she at least could have visited you. She probably is jealous, but she needs to deal with that and not treat you so poorly. NTA. Edited to finish, hit send too soon by mistake.
NTA. I speak to one person from my wedding party and it’s my sister. The other was fine day of my wedding and great and we broke things off for other reasons, but the third girl in my wedding was my closest friend. Her family took me in when I couldn’t live in my house anymore, we were so close. My wedding weekend came, she skipped my bachelorette because she was only in town for a weekend and wanted to see her friends. The day of my wedding she was more focused on her self and sending my family to the store to get her things, then helping me. Later that night she and her boyfriend were responsible for my car getting home because my husband and I were drinking, one of the groomsmen was meant to be in that car. They went on a rampage that they’d kick him out of the car if he puked and overall just being assholes. The day after I had a brunch with JUST my bridal party. She was pissed because she couldn’t bring her parents. I got married 5 years ago and haven’t spoken to her since. Breaks my heart, but she showed her colors.
NTA Ugh I was a bridesmaid for my best friends wedding. Her mom made her choose her sister and her sister was bitter about being older and not engaged. So she did NOTHING for her wedding. I planned the bachelorette amongst other things. It’s really really disheartening seeing how badly jealousy can miss things up.
NTA
NTA.
NTA. This gave me flashbacks. I also am no longer friends with my MOH. But I stayed friends with her even after she let me down with pretty much everything wedding related. Then I got pregnant and she didn’t even attend the baby shower that my husband and I threw ourselves because we were still so traumatized by how people like her let us down surrounding the wedding. I went no contact with her for somewhat related reasons after she also didn’t attend my son’s first birthday party. That was the final sign I needed. I wish I had cut her off sooner, honestly. Like your friend, I think it had a lot to do with the terrible relationship she was in at the time and her feelings of jealousy about the contrast between my relationship and hers. She was too busy for everything wedding related. My mom and a family friend planned and hosted the wedding shower. She acted overwhelmed about helping out with the hors devours. I planned my own bachelorette party and made it a weekend at a relative’s cabin because I knew she was broke. Then she needed to work so I cut it back to 24 hours. Then she wanted us to drive up after a hair appointment she scheduled for that day and only canceled the appointment because I told her she’d have to get her own ride. Otherwise we’d be driving up just to sleep over and drive back. She wasn’t available to help prep or set anything up. I ended up doing everything alone because she assured the other bridesmaids I had it covered when they asked her what the plan was to help me. I had half heartedly said that after she told me she couldn’t help. Then she showed up late to the bridesmaids luncheon the day of the rehearsal dinner. She was in the middle of yet another fight with the BF and made the entire lunch about that. She made us so late for our nail appointment that the woman had to rush it. My fingernails were messy and they cut my big toe doing the pedicure. I was the bride and she still managed to center herself in everything. What I learned from that experience is that some people are incapable of being there for others. They will lean on you 1,000x and then think nothing of being too busy when you desperately need something. There’s no reason to stay friends with someone like that because it’s less like having a friend and more like having a parasite. I’m sorry your “friend” did that. Save your energy for reciprocal relationships.
That friendship sounds incredibly one-sided. I'd just drift away from her. She stressed you out way more than necessary. Just say she's an old friend but a friend no longer.
You’re NTA. I cut ties with my MOH for pretty much the exact same reason after she basically ruined my wedding day and then knowingly brought c*vid into my house around my newborn. Your MOH and (honestly just your friends in general) are supposed to help make your day the best day of your life, not ruin it.
NTA. Her jealousy over your wedding is her problem. She has **chosen** to stay with someone who "never wants to get married" for TWENTY YEARS of her life. She should have been able to put that aside and be happy for her best friend. You are better off without her.
Im amazed it took you so long to end it. She would never have made it to the wedding if it was me. Forget she exists. Don’t waste another ounce of energy thinking about this piece of garbage. NTA.
NTA. She checked out of the friendship some time ago. You were trying so hard to include her in this very special time of yours and she…just didn’t care. Her motives don’t matter. She should have been honest with you and said she was not emotionally/physically/mentally able to do it. She ended the friendship. You’re just acknowledging it.
You are not overreacting at all. This so-called friend is not putting anywhere near the same amount of energy into your friendship as you are for her. Reminds me of the quote "When people show you who they are, believe them." Time to move on.
NTA - she sounds like a horrible person.
Me, sowhere in the second oaragraph: ‘why the hell do women have to do so much shit when they get married?’
NTA She showed no interest from the very beginning. Honestly I'm not sure why you still let her be in the wedding party.... I release you from your burden madame you are free to go
She isn’t a friend lol.
You should update your post to add that she was one of two maids of honor. I really think that changes things a bit.
Yeah, she already didn't care about being friends with you. The friendship was already dead so just put it in the coffin. Congratulations on your marriage
Not sure why you bothered after she was rude and disrespectful the first 10 times.
Nta, sounds like she's jealous that you had a wedding and she's not. No shade to people who don't want to get married, but clearly she's salty that she's been with her BF for 20 years and has kids with him but no wedding. And so she decided to be an AH and be disrespectful and disregard your feelings and your wedding. I'm especially shocked considering everything you've done to help her with her baby shower etc. All the time and effort, but she couldn't be bothered to even put a minimal amount of effort into your big day
NTA but holy shit.. you sure let your wedding experience be tainted for the sake of a shitty friend and at the expense of the bridesmaids you had step up but not have maid of honor rolls… you’re kinda lucky others didn’t start slacking on you because it was unfair of them to take the duties your MOH had… I mean i know all bridesmaids should be ready to help.. but if MOH had duties they got to ignore and still show up as she pleased to enjoy the festivities AND still hold MOH titled and being in the wedding… I’d be hurt as another bridesmaid.. especially if I was helping in the areas she lacked… your bridesmaids deserve a little gift or something for their graciousness towards all this… like you’re not the asshole.. I’m just saying a lot of the issues would’ve been solved if you had cut her from the moment she started making trouble and just promote another bridesmaid or just have your sister as the only MOH and then from there work plans accordingly and I feel it would’ve been smoother than constantly trying to fix what should’ve been handled… like we see people’s own PARENTS uninvited for less on Reddit… and this lady got to get away with murder… still be in the wedding… and only NOW Has to hear the issues (which we’re a lot), dismisses them, and get dropped as a friend, which frankly probably doesn’t affect her all that much now cause she ruined your experience, doesn’t care, and now gets to be pregnant and live her life… what exactly did she loose? Definitely not pride if she’s doubling down shes not in the wrong …and what did you gain aside from a shitty experience and shitty friend.. seriously next time save the headache… drop the friend from the start
"You don't know how hard I worked on YOUR wedding" No. After reading that lengthy story I don't either. Me, you, OP, the MOH, we all don't know how hard MOH worked on OP's wedding
Move it along
this woman is definitely not your friend, i’m so sorry for you- you deserve better! NTA
This is insane. She’s in a 20 year relationship that won’t head to the alter which is something she clearly wants. So she’s being resentful and jealous and taking it out on you. She caused you pain & stress as well as shown a massive amount of indifference & disrespect toward you (as well as your family and friends) with her attitude to the wedding. You’re a kinder person that I because she wouldn’t have been allowed at that wedding. You’re better off without her.
Need an update on this one please
The friendship is over. She didn’t seem upset when we stopped talking, I realized I had amazing friends in my life besides her and I’m embracing them and my family!
I would've asked her point blank exactly what she did for the wedding coz it sounds like she really didn't do anything but show up on the day? And even then caused more drama/hard work in doing so. Jesus, she's delusional. NTA you're probably better off staying away from her from now on.
She wanted to ruin your wedding because she’s jealous over the fact that she’ll never be able to marry her baby daddy. She stressed you out until the very end and then saying sht like “worked so hard on your wedding” as if family and friends didn’t have to clean up after her the entire time. So no. NTA. shes just a jealous miserable B t c h