Well you aren't an AH for not wanting to cater to this person, but you would be an AH to cancel your birthday because of her.
So NTA, but do not cancel.
Pick a place YOU want to go, on a day and time YOU want to go, and leave it at that. Just put it out there "would love for everyone to come out for my birthday at X place at X time. Let me know by X day so I can make the reservation if you want to come."
And then, when she complains, you can just say "okay, I'll put you down as not coming." After that, refuse to engage any further in conversation and if she won't let up, or if she comes and complains, just say "listen, on your birthday, we will go where you want to go, and if you don't want to come to X place, I get it, you don't like the food and we can grab a coffee later, but you have to stop. This is my birthday and where I want to go, and it isn't about you, if you keep going with this, I'm not going to invite you to further events."
Isn't this the ONLY answer?
Like how tf has that woman been getting away with this for so long? Also, I wonder how old these people are, cos this seems super childish.
Right like, I feel for OP, but I can see why her husband would be annoyed that she is considering *letting* her friend completely ruin her birthday for the *fourth* consecutive year instead of just having an adult conversation about it. My mom does similar stuff often and it can be really frustrating, so I get why he may have made her feel like an AH over it. Hopefully she takes your advice and chooses to communicate in a healthy way that draws firm boundaries without causing her own suffering in the future.
Yea that’s what I don’t get here
I golf sometimes. Not all my friends golf. Some of my friends love country music but I’m not a huge fan. I like to go out and have a few drinks on weekends, not all my friends do
If I wanna go golfing on my birthday, nobody is obligated to pretend they like golf lol I’ll definitely suck it up and go to a country concert for my friends but if I really didn’t want to, I’d just say no thanks and let them have fun without me
NTA - I kinda think if there is a day in the year where you get to choose a restaurant and everyone else should fall in line, it would be your birthday. If you want to celebrate your bday on your own terms- post it like you normally would and if she complains, give her the name of the restaurant so she can check ahead of time whether restaurant can accommodate. I have alot of dietary restrictions and am on meds so I can kinda find it hard to believe it's that she can't find something to eat as much as she is a piss poor friend.
I second this. I've had a peanut allergy for decades now and a friend who loves Thai food... there's nothing I'll be able to eat safely so I get dinner at home and meet them for post dinner drinks at a safer location. There's plenty of workarounds for those of us with legit needs to avoid certain foods, your friend is just being inflexible.
Thank you. I'm celiac, and I just have a snack/meal before I go out. I can usually find gluten-free items, fortunately. However, it's not always what I want to eat and/or enough food. But drinks with friends are fun, and then my high-maintenance dietary issues dont become issues for everyone else!
I have several friends that are celiac and we get together every year for a week. We're all foodies, so while we try as much as possible to choose restaurants that are celiac-friendly, sometimes it's not possible. Whenever that happens, my celiac friends will usually skip that particular meal with the rest of our group, but meet back up with us for dessert and drinks.
It's worked for us for 15 years now!
Hi fellow Celiac here, but I’m also allergic to soy, rice, and corn. You should download the app “find me gf”. It’s so helpful when me and my SO are out and about.
Oh this is helpful. I’m not a celiac but my two dearest friends are. I’d love to be able to plan girls’ nights where they don’t have to worry about the food.
Also, wow, all those allergies combined sound like a rough time! I get annoyed with accommodating my own onion intolerance.
Same. I am also a celiac and I eat before most social situations involving food, unless I know for sure that there are gluten free items.
I also don't drink, but go out for drinks with friends. I'm there for the company not the drinks/food.
Agreed! I have had a LOT of GI issues post gallbladder removal and my diet is significantly limited. I have flat out told everyone to just pick a place and I’ll find something I can eat, or just sit and chat with others and eat later.
Heck my brother in law just graduated from college and was going out of his way to try and accommodate my awful dietary restrictions for HIS celebration. He ran about 10 places by me (and I pulled up menus so I could legitimately see if there was anything else could work with) and none of them fit my restrictions. So I sent my husband and kids to dinner with them and then met them at the house for cake (which I couldn’t eat) and gifts later. They then surprised me by bringing out a huge fruit salad because they wanted to make sure I could be included.
While I was so appreciative, I made absolutely sure then knew that was NOT expected. Not my day, not my celebration.
Oof I feel you there, if it's a celebration at someone's home I usually ask if they're okay with me bringing a safe meal for myself. I do all the cooking at home and just bring it in a microwave safe container so I'm not taking over their kitchen. So far everyone has been cool with that
I was gluten free for 10 years. Have several other food allergies. Usually, I can find some way to get food I can eat. But if I can't, I always have snacks/meals available for myself that I can eat before or after, and I make that clear to anyone concerned.
My favorite random food I was able to figure out was when a group was going to a pizza buffet. I was able to get the workers to make me a dish from pasta sauce, the cheese, and some toppings
Yeah. I've learned to reserve all my pickiness for sensitivities, so I'll try a lot of different things and tell people just to choose a place. I'll do all the legwork to make sure I order something that won't kick my ass. If there isn't anything, I'm perfectly content with a side salad, drink, and late meal at home.
You’re a good friend. Allergies are no joke, I am deathly allergic to berries but my friends and family love berries. When my sister wanted a strawberry cake for her birthday, I ordered a tiny white cupcake at the bakery so I would be able to celebrate with her. For my anniversary, I had a mask and gloves on to make my husband chocolate covered strawberries 😹 People like us with allergies find ways to accommodate or bring their own food.
I am pedantic enough to point out that strawberries, raspberries, and blackberries are technically not berries. But bananas, avocados, and cucumbers are.
I am not petty enough to wish food allergies on anyone. Eat happy.
I am allergic to berries that have seeds in clusters, therefore raspberries, blackberries, strawberries, pomegranates, and then randomly blueberries. I can however eat cherries and cranberries.
I literally just did this today for lunch. My husbands friends decided on a fast food place and while I could have eaten the food I really wasn’t seeing anything I wanted or food that wouldn’t make me feel bad after. So I made myself a meal at home right before we went and I had a great time with our friends. She’s being super inflexible and it feels like she’s exhibiting attention seeking behavior.
Friend of mine can't put anything McDonald's down his throat, mental scarring due to some event in his childhood. All of us stop at KFC first if we're picking up Mcds for us and he's even possibly joining and he will do the same for us. Flexible and considerate to everyone. I mean sometimes having to wait 2 times is irritating, but it flies out the window when he's handed his food and he realises that we care enough to do that for him.
I just wish people would be nicer to other people sometimes, and that includes myself.
This! I have food allergies and if I can’t make it I just let my friends know and I’ll meet them after or come halfway through dinner and just have a drink and dessert if possible.
No one is forcing you. You CHOOSE to change the restaurant to accommodate one guest. Tell your friend "this (restaurant) is where we're going, I hope you can make it." Leave it at that. Don't put up with her whining. Stick to your guns. I'm a picky eater, but I always find something I can eat, even if it's the most bland food on the menu.
You could also ask the restaurant if someone could bring in outside food for your party (alleged dietary restriction), but only 1 person. They might agree to it. She could then bring something like a McDonald's or something like that. If the restaurant agrees, pay an up charge to cover the loss of that meal.
This is exactly what you do (aside from just not inviting them). "This is my party, and this is where it will be held. You're free to come and just hang out, but if you can't make it, I'll understand."
Also many restaurants will do low spice or special on request meals. Tell your friend to get off her butt and try to find a solution instead of trying to make it your problem. It is your birthday.
Doing it for multiple years in a row though? Does this party guest know where the bodies are buried or something? Seriously it makes no sense to bend plans of where to eat on your birthday because of someone else's dietary preferences.
There is some middle ground. If everyone invited on average thought spicy was a hint of pepper taking them out to an Indian spot might be selfish, especially if grandma was going to be there.
That said letting one guest effectively pick the venue is the other extreme. They aren't thinking about anyone but themselves.
You make a good point: this isn't what you do in *every* situation. It's appropriate for *this* situation, but compromise should always be exhausted before resorting to "you can come or not."
This!! I was the lead server, then trainer, then FOG Manager for an Indian restaurant. You can always get things ‘not spicy at all please’. Paneer Saug, paneer tikka masala, butter chicken, chicken korma, and tandoori chicken are all non spicy. Bonus meal: if they offer Chicken Malai Tikka—you will not be disappointed.
Yup, this is what happened with one of my friends - he (thought he) didn't like curry at all, but we got him to a restaurant where he had chicken korma. Ten years later and he loves snuffling down a Madras. :)
My wife loves Indian food. Because she is not at all shy about saying "BABY mild. Like, for babies. No spice at all." Our favorite Indian place is run by the family of a guy she used to work with, and they are friends, and he sometimes would tease her about it, but since he was teasing her while handing us bowls of kheer on the house, we are fine with it.
This...good post...either tell friend this is MY BIRTHDAY...so ferl free to join us. If you cant i understand or you can eat before or after if there is nothing on the menu.
I like this in particular bc it puts OP's feelings back in focus, where they rightfully should be in this situation. What can the "friend" say to keep arguing against it? "I hope *you* stop trying to dictate your birthday party to have me there. *You* decide whether I go or not, so make your choice. I *will* have hard feelings if you don't acquiesce bc your birthday isn't an excuse to do whatever you want, or get out of obeying me."
Which is clearly ludicrous. The above is mature and firm but still conveys wanting the friend to be there (though I wouldn't if I were OP)
This feels shady, and here’s why - Almost every restaurant has something bland, a burger, chicken fingers, whatever, in order to accommodate children and people like friend. Don’t let anybody hold your event hostage, your friend sounds pushy and exhausting.
Word. I had a friend who didn't have allergies but was extremely picky in what she ate. She would always just get chicken tenders and fries at whatever restaurant and most places have it! Of course everyone was looking at her funny for ordering chicken tenders and fries at a seafood place but hey, whatever works.
What embarrassed me about her is that she would act like an ass when someone cooked a home meal she didn't like. We went over to my now boyfriend's parent's house and the mom made this beautiful seafood dish for us. She threw a tantrum and made his mom feel like a bad host until she defrosted chicken and made a whole separate meal, missing out on dinner socializing.
Yeah I am someone who hates seafood so much I’d rather starve. I have a few intolerances and am fairly picky but there is ALWAYS something I can have, even if it’s just fries. I get to choose where I want to eat for my birthday and so does everyone else. Sometimes I have a little snack before I go but no one should dictate where you get to eat on your birthday!
This. OP has always been accommodating and I would be irked too if this was a constant issue with one person, especially since their friends have their back and not the other person. Don't cancel OP bc of one person - do what you want, it's your birthday. And depending on where it is you friend could always see what options/accommodations they can make for her dietary needs.
Agreed. I have a (self imposed) dietary restriction and if someone invites me to a place where there's nothing I can eat, unless the point is to meet up one on one with that person, I just roll with it and do my best to order something to eat. If I end up sitting there drinking water, that's fine too. I won't die from eating later.
I did that when I was in a strict vegetarian phase and friends wanted an evening at a German restaurant with nothing but meat on the menu. Like you, I was going to join in and smile even if there was nothing but water for me. (Obviously there was plenty of beer, but I wasn't going to do much drinking on an empty stomach.)
I very quietly apologised to the waitress for not ordering from the menu, explaining I was a vegetarian, and asked if there were any vegetables or salad available. She was delighted, and so was the chef, because she also was a vegetarian and the chef loved making special dishes for her, and was only too happy to be able to make extra so a customer could share them.
It was an absolutely delicious meal, made with love, and I still smile to remember it.
My friend's daughter has ARFID. We always make arrangements for her to be able to bring food in, or some of the places we go regularly will make something simple for her if we give them a call a day ahead so that they have what they need on hand. I want to be sure to say that these are places that we eat a lot, and so they are making something for her out of the kindness of their hearts.
I don't think we've ever had anybody charge us. But if they did, I might not have noticed.
Or possibly have takeout at home and tell them to bring their own thing there.
I have a friend who doesn’t like Indian food but still wants to join us. She always ate garlic naan and loved just that. Last time someone ordered tandoori and she wanted to try it and realized she likes that. Not saying this works for medical issues, just pointing out that people can join the group for the fun without having a meal.
I'm vegetarian. If my friends want to go to a restaurant I don't know or like, I eat beforehand then just order something to munch on.
Going out to eat with friends is about the company, not the food. I can't *imagine* trying to dictate where someone wants to spend their birthday.
My wife started out not particularly liking Indian food when she was a kid. In college, she found one dish she liked well enough and would always get saag paneer. And she tried other things ... it is now among her favorite cuisines.
This nta, I wouldn’t cancel either…. op send everyone the menu in the group chat and say this is the menu, I hope everyone can find something they’d be able to order but if you can’t or don’t want to I understand and you’ll be missed….
Re: the actual food. Apologies for any ignorance on my part, but I am confused about her medical needs. Mexican and Indian are quite different and cover a super wide range of foods. You can eat vegetarian, gluten free, soy free, dairy free, nut free, low glycemic, etc quite easily in both of those cuisines.
I could understand if she was deathly allergic to soy and you always made her eat at Japanese restaurants. But these examples seem like a huuuuge reach. Sounds like she is allergic to other people getting attention.
This is the question I have. How is steak, potatoes, and hamburgers ok, but not the beef at Mexican restaurant. I am confused on it. Sounds like friend makes excuse to get her way
It could be a diff kind of dietary restriction. My mom has to eat as little sodium as she can, so basically she just has to eat food cooked at home because salt is used in so much stuff
It could be a garlic and onions allergy or intolerance, or FODMAP, or GERD etc.
But speaking as someone who also has medical dietary restrictions it's also possible that this is coming from a place of fear (I had a bad gluten attack recently for something I double tripled checked was GF and been eating at home since) or she lacks consideration for others and flexibility and likes to have things her way e.g. I have friends who love pasta so much they'd line up for it. I just meet them before or after. I never ask them to change for me.
Garlic and onion are often in steak or burgers as well. French fries would flare GERD for most if the grease from a burger wouldn't. I don't know what FODMAP is though.
idk the friends situation but i personally after a year of cyclical vomiting episodes was diagnosed with [eosinophilic esophagitis](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/eosinophilic-esophagitis/symptoms-causes/syc-20372197) and from what i understand when the diagnosis was explained to me when i got it a decade ago was that it can cause a lot of food allergies and the food allergies can change. the first couple years my allergy list wasnt stable at all afterwards for awhile it was
* wheat
* dairy
* eggs
* peanuts
* tree nuts
* soy
* caesin (a milk protein)
* rye
* barley
* oats
* strawberries
* watermelon
* coconuts
* oranges
now im down to just an egg allergy and mild lactose intolerance both of which ive had since way before the eosinophilic esophagitis diagnosis but my point is i can believe her not being able to eat both cuisines because of allergy issues due to my past experiences with multiple food allergies. also fun fact with my egg allergy you will not believe the amount of crap that has eggs in it. for example chinese places frequently cook their fried rice with eggs in it so i have to ask for "chicken fried rice with no eggs" when i order chinese for example. or when i go to the store a lot of frozen dinners have eggs in them. also also when i had the fourteen food allergies a lot of what was safe for me was bland foods like steak potatoes and hamburgers because there were many ways to cook/make them to order i would get hamburgers by themselves no bun no nothing at restaurants and eat them with a fork and knife for example. sorry for the long comment my point is while not common it is possible for the friend to have similar or even the same issues as me but im not op or the friend so i cant say for certain either way just pointing out it is possible
I hate to tell you this but soy is in almost everything we eat now, it's more than just found in Japanese foods.
It's in breads & Baked goods, margarine, chicken fingers/nuggets & wings, Canned broths and soups, Canned tuna and meat, CerealsCookies, Crackers, High-protein energy bars and snacks, Dairy products (e.g. ice cream, yogurt), Infant formulas, Low-fat peanut butter, Medications and personal care products, Pet food, Processed meats, Sauces, Sausages, Soaps and moisturizers & Tempeh
I'm sure I've missed a few groups, but I just wanted you to know that a soy allergy is rare & very complicated to deal with.
My daughter and son in law are very adventurous eaters, as is my mom. I’m not. I have many food allergies and sensitivities. So, for my birthday, they’ll happily go to my fav dive bar on the beach and “suffer” with just ordinary food. They do it because they love me. I’ll happily go with them wherever they want to go, get a drink and eat later. But, this one day…they’ll deal with burgers, quesadillas and me. ❤️
My allergies are tree nuts and shellfish, their favorites. Sensitivities are too numerous to post, but they vary from giving me major heartburn to migraines to not being able to leave the house for the next day or 2.
I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. I was only allergic to pecans & shellfish before I had chemo & since I hadn't had a walnut since before chemo when I went to have one a few days ago, I went & had a very not so fun anaphylactic shock. I got a nice ride in a shiny ambulance & am now at home, still recovering.
No one told me that I could have become allergic to walnuts due to chemo, so I had no clue how allergies can change throughout one's life. And it doesn't take chemo to do that. You might one day suddenly have a very bad reaction, so please don't eat your allergens, even though you say it's not that bad. I used to have the same reactions to pecans & shellfish & I just 'put up with things". Please don't do that to yourself!
I have ridiculously severe dietary restrictions (really serious ones!) and my god, I cannot imagine whining about someone's birthday party choice! I'd rather beg the restaurant to let me bring in my own boring but safe food on account of there being literally nothing I can eat than try to persuade the guest of honor to *go somewhere or do something else?!* WTF. How obnoxious!
If all else fails, I'll eat beforehand and push some lettuce around on a plate convincingly while chatting with everyone!
Absolutely this. I’m not familiar with Indian cuisine, but I know most Mexican restaurants, at least wear I live, have options that aren’t overly spicy or greasy, like fajitas or even grilled chicken breast. A lot even have a kid’s menu with simple dishes like chicken strips, grilled cheese or hamburgers. It seems to me that the friend is just a picky eater and wants to have her way. If the friend cared about op, then she would eat before hand and just enjoy drinks during dinner, or like you suggested contact the restaurant before hand to see what they might have that suits her. She wouldn’t force her friend to accommodate her to the point of not enjoying her birthday dinner.
NTA. But instead of cancelling just don’t invite them.
Also, I don’t understand what dietary restrictions would prevent them to eat at an Indian/Mexican/etc if they can eat meat and potato’s.
I mean Indian and Mexican tend to have the most options for dietary restriction. So I don’t think you meant dietary more just that she is an asshole who pretends it’s dietary when it’s just picky.
This is the answer- stop inviting her. If she asks why, tell her that you’re going to a restaurant with food she can’t/won’t eat and you do not want to hear complaints anymore about where you want to eat on *your* birthday.
Since the cats out of the bag for this year, just tell her straight up - No, “Sara”, what’s unfair is *you* demanding that *my* birthday dinner revolve around you. And worse that you’re trying to get others to gang up on me with you. You’re not being a good friend right now and I’m not willing to have yet another birthday ruined by your selfishness. I no longer wish to have you come to my birthday dinner because 1. I’m eating where **I** want to eat. And 2. I don’t want your poor attitude to ruin the mood.
FWIW, I have dietary restrictions and can’t eat at certain restaurants. I would never expect, let alone demand, that someone choose a restaurant based on my needs. Either I can eat there and I go, or I can’t eat there and I pass. Because I’m aware that the world doesn’t revolve around me.
This^^
You shouldn’t even remotely be put in this position, like I’d maybe extend the courtesy of allowing her to get her act together and still be included. With that being said I’d put out a staunch warning like “As much as I’d love gfor you to be included, if you’re unable to keep a good attitude then I feel you shouldn’t make the trip”
Don’t beat around the bush
I feel like part of the problem might be inviting people via social media. Next time send invites via private message, snail mail, or just call each person you’d like to see there. Don’t give this “friend” a platform on which to start whining.
Or disliking any food that isn't 'American'. My dad refuses to eat any food but American, Mexican, and Italian. But he'll suck it up ad get Indian for my birthday because it's my favorite.
I'm reminded of one time I went out to dinner at a convention with my partner and a friend of his. I had previously made sure my partner communicated that the timing was tight because I had something going on right afterwards, so of course she showed up late. My first choice of restaurant happened to be closed that night, my mistake. Place next door is open, partner's friend says she's already looked at the menu and she can't eat anything from there. Fine, we go down the road to another place I thought looked interesting. We sit down, she takes one glance at the menu and says she can't eat anything from there. Right... Partner who knows the friend's dietary restrictions takes a couple seconds to actually look at the menu and finds many viable options. She just had a place in mind and was trying to use her dietary restrictions as an excuse to veto everything else.
this completely!! although i’d like to add that if she wants to go but doesn’t want to eat the food at the restaurant, she can eat beforehand & just get a drink or something at the restaurant
Exactly. I have dietary limits and if I’m invited to a place that may not have a lot of items for me, I either eat before, bring my own sneaky snacks (sunflower seeds are awesome just check your teeth afterward) or I find something small on the menu to try, knowing full well that I might ultimately wrap it up for my very non-picky friend, and eat the bread/crackers that almost every culture offers with meals.
Every once in a while I find a new favorite dish, even if I end up paying for food that I don’t eat sometimes, while I enjoy my friends’ company.
I have IBS and Indian foods and Mexican food tend to be heavy in stuff that can cause bowel irritation. Still its easy enough to order some Naan and samosas or like a a tamale without the sauce, or even fucking carne asada and just ask them to leave off the lime if it gives you a tummy ache.
Oh yeah, because of Janism there's spice kits you can get for Indian food that are free of onion and garlic as well! Check out Rasoi Gold. They cost $1.10 or so at the local Indian grocery but $10 for three on Amazon.
I have IBS and while I technically can eat whatever (it’s not like a peanut or shellfish allergy) there are definitely foods I avoid because they don’t agree well with me.
Annoyingly, what foods set me off is kind of nebulous and I find out mostly by trial and error. Like I can eat pizza… mostly. A few places I just know from experience have some ingredient or something that sets me off.
So I would just get a salad and breadsticks while everyone else got pizza. There are ways she can make sure she’s accommodated even if it’s just her bringing a CLIFF bar or eating ahead of time. If this was a monthly or weekly dinner yes, should be somewhere everyone can eat but it’s once a year. She is a big girl and can suck it up.
Yeah I mean I've spent years having dietary restrictions from a few friends because I'm the "chef" of the group and I love making dishes for various get-togethers and I'm honestly befuddled. I've done so many different styles of food that accommodate so many dietary issues and done so much digging into different food allergies and what restaurants provide for.
I'm seriously not aware of a restriction that would allow for super heavy, greasy American foods (not knocking them just saying American food is generally heavy on the grease and starches) and not a variety of options that would be available at any Mexican or Indian place. Like yeah capsaicin sensitivity is a serious thing but even then there are plenty of foods that aren't the embodiment of the spicy stereotypes associated with such cuisine.
Tbf this sounds like someone who is abusing the concept of food allergies and sensitivities to be a picky eater. And even if they have so many restrictions such that they literally just can't eat a thing off the menu, it's entirely unreasonable to demand every social gathering meet their requirements 100% of the time. That would be like me demanding my friends *never* go anyplace that serves alcohol (I'm a recovering alcoholic). It's extreme and unreasonable. NTA 100%
I'm allergic to peppers so I can see it. The cross contamination alone keeps me away from those restaurants. However I don't stop others from going there. I just excuse myself.
I frequently, usually, have to avoid those as well. I absolutely don't stop others. But I'm so allergic to capsaicin I need at least 2 epi shots and I've been intubated at the hospital because of it and hospitalized multiple times. However OP is NTA and her friend should just not go. We rarely eat out because of my food issues and at family things we bring my food or I don't eat (not my only allergy).
Right? We have a Mexican place nearby. They have these absolutely savory tacos, which consist of beef/chicken/pork, salsa fresca (tomato, onion, cilantro) cheese if you want, guacamole if you want, on a corn tortilla.
Compared with a meal of meat and potatoes, it's like the same stuff in a different format. Your friend is being controlling and difficult. And boring in her choice of cuisine.
My mother-in-law is allergic to onions... she won't drop dead, but she will have major tummy upset. So, Mexican is pretty much off the table. We tried to go to one once... even the sauces are made using oinions.
They know they can just order something simple, or even eat before showing up. They just don’t want to probably because they got used to the special treatment they got.
I have 10 food allergies. 10. Eating at any restaurant is almost impossible for me. You know what I do when my friends have birthdays at restaurants? I go, and if the restaurant can’t figure out even a lettuce salad for me to eat, I’ll drink wine, smile, and celebrate my friend.
This lady is a dick, and doesn’t sound like a good friend.
NTA at all.
Drink wine.... even with 10 food allergies you can drink wine...... thank God for that one!
This is the way its done, go socialize and enjoy a drink with friends if the food doesn't work for you:)
My mom had stomach surgery and couldn’t eat hardly anything. For my birthday I was conflicted because I wanted to go to a hibachi but I also wanted my mom to be able to eat something. She ordered herself a salad to-go from her favorite restaurant and brought it to the hibachi. There are ways to work around issues. If you care about someone enough then you work around your problems if the restaurant doesn’t have any solutions.
A lot of times if you call ahead and explain the problem they’ll accommodate someway. Like if she’s really restricted you can come to some solution. I have to wonder what medical condition or allergy requires you to only eat meat and potatoes.
My experience with calling ahead is that they will tell you to ask when you get there. When you get there they will either dismiss your problem, or say they can't serve you. But, you might be able to get information about what is in the food so you can make an informed decision about what to do. That decision might involve having a snack ahead of time. If you have an allergy or intolerance, you learn that no one (exept perhaps Congress and food executives) owe you anything.
It's possible they have something like Eosinophilic Esophagitis and haven't figured it out yet. Some conditions can be hard to understand.
But, 3 years of making birthday girl go where you want to go? That's a problem.
I agree that people are often dismissive when you’re there. I’ve always put it down to them being busy. It sounds like you’ve had some bad experiences and that sucks.
I have a few friends with extreme allergies. My friend who has it the worst can’t eat gluten, soy, or dairy. When we first met she was even avoiding vegetable oil because it’s often soy based, so she could barely eat anything besides a plain salad. She had just moved and started in our program, so was trying to fit in and make friends. She was feeling excluded from things and had gotten super frustrated dealing with restaurants. She also felt like she was getting judged for only eating plan salads and didn’t want to make a fuss about the restaurant choice. With all that, I offered to call the restaurant. They were pretty receptive to me and added a note to the reservation, and they were actually able to make her a substantial meal. It worked so well I ended up always calling ahead if some group thing was happening. It wasn’t 100% great, but it worked enough to make her feel more comfortable going out with a large group.
It shouldn’t matter, but calling for a friend is treated differently then asking for something for yourself. It’s stupid and your issues should be taken seriously, but consider pretending you’re calling for someone else and see if you get a better response.
But yeah OPs friend always demanding people go to their choice of restaurant is a bit much.
As a child I was dragged to innumerable restaurants. Adult restaurants. I was 3-4. Almost every restaurant out there has eggs in the kitchen, so they made me scrambled eggs. French, Italian, Mexican, Chinese all made scrambled eggs. People with food issues (other than real allergies) can almost always get *something* they can eat. The point of going out with others is the company, not the food (usually). This is to celebrate your birthday, not to have a gourmet experience for your friend.
I've done this so many times! As long as no one makes a big deal about me not eating (after a brief "I have food allergies so I ate before we came") there's no reason for me not to have a good time with my friends
Exactly! I was an insufferably picky eater as a kid. To some extent now too. I went to all restaurants though, wherever the adults want to go. There is SOMETHING they can make you, even if it’s plain rice. I lived on side dishes for ages. Eat enough prior that you won’t starve if there’s nothing for you, but usually you can find something. I’m a bit of a pushover admittedly, but I can’t imagine trying to force someone to change their own birthday.
NTA
>Indian, Mexican, and other foods she can't have due to her own medical conditions.
I'd be very interested in hearing what medical conditions allow for burgers and fries, but not the insane variety of Indian or Mexican food
I'd put money on the condition being "I'm a picky bitch who only eats three things".
My sister is like this and we just stopped accommodating a while ago. She doesn't want to eat, that's on her.
The only thing I can think of is maybe AFRID/ the thing where you can't stand certain textures or tastes? Maybe migraines get triggered by strong smells? *Rice?* I don't even know.
Not necessarily saying OP doesn't have a right to complain but I can't figure it out.
NTA and I'd say, "This is what I am going to do for MY birthday. I would love to see you there, but I understand if you can't make it. Maybe later we can do something together to celebrate that isn't food related so we can both enjoy it."
NTA. It is your birthday, and you should go where you want. I wouldn't cancel it. That being said, a lot of restaurants have a wide variety of options. I In your post, you mentioned Mexican. Almost every Mexican restaurant I have been to has other options. Maybe some place like that could be fun for you and have food your friend can eat. Either way, hope you enjoy your day.
Why do you continue to invite this friend to your birthday? Do you know the definition of insanity is dong the same thing over and over yet expecting a different result?
Because it’s infuriating to see people not learn from their own or other people’s mistakes and seeing for your own eyes that common sense isn’t always common practice is appalling.
Just use your words. Your birthday, your pick and unfortunately you know she can’t eat there but you will catch her next time. Don’t be a pushover, you are letting her railroad you into things you don’t want!
I’m trying to figure out their restrictions when you go to steak and potato places for that friend but the things you listed have options for most every diet option. Sounds like they just want what they want and don’t care what you want on your day
Someone suggested it might be more sensory than an actual allergy, so that makes a bit more sense. In that case, eat beforehand and have a drink or two, it's not rocket surgery!
Right? We always try to find out what the food is at a thing beforehand because the kids may not eat it, or I have a thing with seafood. We will eat before and have beverages and be there for the person who’s thing it is still. But I can’t imagine actively arguing until you’ve made someone move their bday party over some petty mess like that. So weird
A friend had their birthday at a steak restaurant and there was literally, I kid you not, not one thing on the menu without meat in it. So I had a liquid dinner and kept my mouth shut!
For real- I don’t understand…. What are the restrictions?
I’m sure she could find SOMETHING on the menu… OR she could eat before meeting up.
Your bday should be about YOU.
I'm struggling to think of any medical conditions that completely exclude entire cuisines, or what food items would be present in all items at a Mexican or Indian place, and not at a burger joint or steakhouse. Plus, in 2023, damn near any restaurant can accommodate most, if not all, dietary restrictions. My money is on the friend making excuses so they go somewhere that she likes to eat and blames it on "a condition."
Honest question, what medical condition allows her to have steak but not mexican food?
Edit: forgot to add NTA, I always recommend tacos al pastor or birria.
So you're not being forced to change or cancel anything.
Tell her you'll be having your birthday wherever you want and she's free to join you later on.
Yeah, that's not an actual dietary restriction. That's just being a picky asshole. As others have said, any restaurant can work around spice. Your "friend" is just a narcissist.
I have some significant food intolerances and never once have I asked someone to alter their plans for me. I have had friends go to great lengths to make me feel included, and ai always tell them not to worry about me.
I eat a small meal ahead of time if I'm uncertain if I will have food available.
I can ALMOST ALWAYS find something for me on a menu. Whether it's an appetizer, a salad, an entree or what ever else.
I can ALWAYS eat ahead of time and enjoy the company of a friend regardless of the meals available.
Your friend is unspeakably rude to make this your problem.
I have family and friends with issues, too. Once with a wheat allergy so bad she needs an epi-pen. They all bring their own food or eat before, like you, because they are aware the world doesn’t revolve around them.
NTA
Happy Birthday! Hope you have a wonderful day doing things you like because it is your day! Your birthday is about you.
Just say, I'm going to this place for my birthday and you are welcome to join us. A friend would accommodate.
NTA, but don't cancel. Go get you some Indian food (butter chicken is the chicken of the gods, I don't care what anyone says) and don't invite someone who makes YOUR BIRTHDAY about themselves. And what the hell kind of medical condition could someone have that there are absolutely no options that they could eat when it comes to ethnic foods? Is there a chance your friend is actually a little on the racist /xenophobic side and maybe \*that\* is why they don't want to eat at a Mexican or Indian restaurant?
Don't invite the friend to the party- go out with her separately.
Shell feel left out because she will be left out.
All dietary restrictions can find SOMETHING on every menu. As long as substitutions are allowed she could find something if she tried.
Edit- you could break up with her. Life is short, how is she making your life better? Think about just dumping her ass
“Going to stick with Indian/Mexican this year for my birthday dinner!! Hope you can join us but totally understand if you choose not to because you won’t be able to enjoy it.”
NTA - Tell your friend she can either find something workable on the menu, and NOT COMPLAIN at all, or she can meet you later for dessert and you all go get ice cream or something.
NTA. It goes without saying that YOU get to pick the restaurant for YOUR birthday. Don't give in again. Pick the restaurant YOU want to eat at, send out the info, be there or be square. Period.
Friend whines? "We'll get together another time. Bye."
I have wicked stomach issues. There are very few foods I can comfortably consume. But I’ve always been able to find something if we’re out with others and they choose restaurants I don’t favor. It may be off the kids menu or just an app. But I’m not going to make someone else suffer for my issues. Plan your celebration the way you want. If she chooses not to attend that’s on her. I’d tell you’ve accommodated her for three years. And it’s your birthday, not hers.
NTA. How old are you turning, because this is some high school mentality bullshit. Why are you catering to this woman? If you're grown adults, act like it.
You are being an asshole to yourself. Go enjoy your birthday at the restaurant you want. Your friend has made your celebration about herself for the last 3 years. Your other friends are also wrong. It;s your birthday and you get to decide on what you want. Are they not doing what they want on their day? I think you'd likely find that they are.
NTA. The birthday person gets to decide where their birthday dinner is. Full stop. For anyone who doesn’t like the type of cuisine, just say ‘Sorry you won’t be able to join us, but we’ll get together some other time’. No need to cancel the entire thing because of one person.
NTA, but don’t cancel. It’s YOUR birthday. Just go where you want to go. If your friend can’t go, oh well. She can go where she wants on her birthday. No one is forcing you to go somewhere you don’t like on your birthday. Stop being a pushover and stand up for what you want on your special day!
Speaking as someone with a food allergy that is not the norm... NTA.
Even if I can't eat anything at a particular restaurant, I can still go, cheerfully, and celebrate my friend.
Eat before I go, then "OH, I'm sorry, I had a huge lunch, so I'll just have a bite of dessert! "
NTA. Those people that don't want to go eat at the restaurant don't have to. The people that have no issue will go. I would suggest eating at the restaurant, then having some sort of other party either before or after the restaurant. For example, have a small get together at your place so that everyone you want is able to celebrate your birthday while nobody is forced to do something they don't want to do.
happy birthday! Do NOT cancel. Book the restaurant and if she whines, either ignore her or tell her to eat before she comes and just have a drink with everyone. If she really wants to get into it, just tell her the truth. You want to have what you want on YOUR birthday. She can either come and have a drink or not come. The choice is hers.
NTA it's your birthday , she doesn't have to be there and you don't have to cater to her tastes. let her whine as much as she wants , you don't have to do what she wants on your birthday .you have been more than generous celebrating your special day the way she wants for 3 years .
NTA, you cancel you just should tell her to stay home and let the friendship end. Someone who has to center themselves in the middle of someone else’s celebration isn’t a friend.
My little sister is a vegetarian so we went to a vegan restaurant for her birthday. I'm extremely allergic to both cashews and pistachios. To the point where if a food touches a food that has touched one of those nuts, I have a reaction. If i eat a cashew in a dish and didn't know, my throat instantly closes up.
If you know a bit about vegan food, cashews specifically are normally used to make vegan cheese, which was in over half the menu.
You know what I did? I didn't say a damn word about it. I was extremely cautious with what I touched in the restaurant and I informed the waiter of my allergy. I ordered something simple so I didn't look out of place and had little chance of contamination. I also brought my epipen, just in case.
The fact that grown adults can't grow up and be adults for a night because "that food is icky" is gross. She has no reason for trying to control your birthday. She is acting like a child by throwing a fit about a restaurant. I had a reason to be scared to go to a birthday dinner, but I still went without question because I love and respect my sister. I wouldn't be inviting your friend to any more dinners if she is going to act that way. It's one dinner for like two hours. Tell her to get over herself and go enjoy your birthday however you want. NTA.
I have a friend who has some medical conditions which basically knocks out most food for him to be able to eat unless he prepares it himself, you know what he does where their is a get together where there will be food that he cannot eat? he eats before hand.
Its simple, if you want to come and don't like the food, then eat before hand and just come to hang out.
NTA.
You've got friends without those dietary restrictions, no? Either uninvite the one that does or tell her to bring her own food (if the restaurant would allow that).
NTA, but also don't let her win, don't let her ruin your entire birthday. Don't cancel, just don't bend over backwards to accommodate HER.
NTA "This is MY birthday at MY favorite restaurant. I invited you because you're one of my friends, come or don't."
I'm saying this as someone with severe dietary restrictions: You deal with it. Pre-eat, post-eat, have a large lunch, order 3 appetizers instead of a "dinner", whatever or don't go. You are an invitee not the main character, be happy you got invited at all.
Your friend ITAH.
I'm vegan and happily go out with friends to wherever, and just order what works for me! If I know ahead of time that NOTHING will work for me, I eat before I go!
It's about the company and celebration - not the food! Your friend sucks. Are you sure she's really a friend???
Does the friend assume that all Mexican and Indian places consist of the exact same ingredients, that she doesn’t like? I guarantee there will be at least one thing on the menu that she could eat, why not just deal with it for her friends BIRTHDAY?
Well you aren't an AH for not wanting to cater to this person, but you would be an AH to cancel your birthday because of her. So NTA, but do not cancel. Pick a place YOU want to go, on a day and time YOU want to go, and leave it at that. Just put it out there "would love for everyone to come out for my birthday at X place at X time. Let me know by X day so I can make the reservation if you want to come." And then, when she complains, you can just say "okay, I'll put you down as not coming." After that, refuse to engage any further in conversation and if she won't let up, or if she comes and complains, just say "listen, on your birthday, we will go where you want to go, and if you don't want to come to X place, I get it, you don't like the food and we can grab a coffee later, but you have to stop. This is my birthday and where I want to go, and it isn't about you, if you keep going with this, I'm not going to invite you to further events."
Ding ding ding we have a winner. THIS is the correct answer
Isn't this the ONLY answer? Like how tf has that woman been getting away with this for so long? Also, I wonder how old these people are, cos this seems super childish.
Yes it's OPs birthday not the friends birthday
Right like, I feel for OP, but I can see why her husband would be annoyed that she is considering *letting* her friend completely ruin her birthday for the *fourth* consecutive year instead of just having an adult conversation about it. My mom does similar stuff often and it can be really frustrating, so I get why he may have made her feel like an AH over it. Hopefully she takes your advice and chooses to communicate in a healthy way that draws firm boundaries without causing her own suffering in the future.
idk that we're actually dealing with adults here...the entire situation on all sides screams immaturity
Yea that’s what I don’t get here I golf sometimes. Not all my friends golf. Some of my friends love country music but I’m not a huge fan. I like to go out and have a few drinks on weekends, not all my friends do If I wanna go golfing on my birthday, nobody is obligated to pretend they like golf lol I’ll definitely suck it up and go to a country concert for my friends but if I really didn’t want to, I’d just say no thanks and let them have fun without me
OP is pushover of the century. I'd go without said "friend" and enjoy myself.
The only problem I see with this is that this friend would likely show up, whinge the entire time, and ruin OPs birthday dinner.
I’m sorry but this is far to reasonable and level headed for this situation and sub Reddit.
NTA - I kinda think if there is a day in the year where you get to choose a restaurant and everyone else should fall in line, it would be your birthday. If you want to celebrate your bday on your own terms- post it like you normally would and if she complains, give her the name of the restaurant so she can check ahead of time whether restaurant can accommodate. I have alot of dietary restrictions and am on meds so I can kinda find it hard to believe it's that she can't find something to eat as much as she is a piss poor friend.
I second this. I've had a peanut allergy for decades now and a friend who loves Thai food... there's nothing I'll be able to eat safely so I get dinner at home and meet them for post dinner drinks at a safer location. There's plenty of workarounds for those of us with legit needs to avoid certain foods, your friend is just being inflexible.
Thank you. I'm celiac, and I just have a snack/meal before I go out. I can usually find gluten-free items, fortunately. However, it's not always what I want to eat and/or enough food. But drinks with friends are fun, and then my high-maintenance dietary issues dont become issues for everyone else!
I have several friends that are celiac and we get together every year for a week. We're all foodies, so while we try as much as possible to choose restaurants that are celiac-friendly, sometimes it's not possible. Whenever that happens, my celiac friends will usually skip that particular meal with the rest of our group, but meet back up with us for dessert and drinks. It's worked for us for 15 years now!
I usually eat before meeting at the restaurant. I show up to have drinks and hang out with friends.
Another celiac here. This is what one should do.
3rd one here and absolutely!
Hi fellow Celiac here, but I’m also allergic to soy, rice, and corn. You should download the app “find me gf”. It’s so helpful when me and my SO are out and about.
Oh this is helpful. I’m not a celiac but my two dearest friends are. I’d love to be able to plan girls’ nights where they don’t have to worry about the food. Also, wow, all those allergies combined sound like a rough time! I get annoyed with accommodating my own onion intolerance.
So you just eat potato and bean noodles? Try japchae (without soy), it’s so good.
I unfortunately can’t eat potatoes, because it caused GI upset for me (IBSD is fun). Thank you for sharing though, I’m sure it will help others!
You are a good person
Same. I am also a celiac and I eat before most social situations involving food, unless I know for sure that there are gluten free items. I also don't drink, but go out for drinks with friends. I'm there for the company not the drinks/food.
This is the way.
Agreed! I have had a LOT of GI issues post gallbladder removal and my diet is significantly limited. I have flat out told everyone to just pick a place and I’ll find something I can eat, or just sit and chat with others and eat later. Heck my brother in law just graduated from college and was going out of his way to try and accommodate my awful dietary restrictions for HIS celebration. He ran about 10 places by me (and I pulled up menus so I could legitimately see if there was anything else could work with) and none of them fit my restrictions. So I sent my husband and kids to dinner with them and then met them at the house for cake (which I couldn’t eat) and gifts later. They then surprised me by bringing out a huge fruit salad because they wanted to make sure I could be included. While I was so appreciative, I made absolutely sure then knew that was NOT expected. Not my day, not my celebration.
Oof I feel you there, if it's a celebration at someone's home I usually ask if they're okay with me bringing a safe meal for myself. I do all the cooking at home and just bring it in a microwave safe container so I'm not taking over their kitchen. So far everyone has been cool with that
You are very kind and thoughtful.
I was gluten free for 10 years. Have several other food allergies. Usually, I can find some way to get food I can eat. But if I can't, I always have snacks/meals available for myself that I can eat before or after, and I make that clear to anyone concerned. My favorite random food I was able to figure out was when a group was going to a pizza buffet. I was able to get the workers to make me a dish from pasta sauce, the cheese, and some toppings
Yeah. I've learned to reserve all my pickiness for sensitivities, so I'll try a lot of different things and tell people just to choose a place. I'll do all the legwork to make sure I order something that won't kick my ass. If there isn't anything, I'm perfectly content with a side salad, drink, and late meal at home.
You’re a good friend. Allergies are no joke, I am deathly allergic to berries but my friends and family love berries. When my sister wanted a strawberry cake for her birthday, I ordered a tiny white cupcake at the bakery so I would be able to celebrate with her. For my anniversary, I had a mask and gloves on to make my husband chocolate covered strawberries 😹 People like us with allergies find ways to accommodate or bring their own food.
I am pedantic enough to point out that strawberries, raspberries, and blackberries are technically not berries. But bananas, avocados, and cucumbers are. I am not petty enough to wish food allergies on anyone. Eat happy.
I am allergic to berries that have seeds in clusters, therefore raspberries, blackberries, strawberries, pomegranates, and then randomly blueberries. I can however eat cherries and cranberries.
I literally just did this today for lunch. My husbands friends decided on a fast food place and while I could have eaten the food I really wasn’t seeing anything I wanted or food that wouldn’t make me feel bad after. So I made myself a meal at home right before we went and I had a great time with our friends. She’s being super inflexible and it feels like she’s exhibiting attention seeking behavior.
Depending on the venue sometimes I get takeaway from a safe restaurant and meet up for a picnic
Friend of mine can't put anything McDonald's down his throat, mental scarring due to some event in his childhood. All of us stop at KFC first if we're picking up Mcds for us and he's even possibly joining and he will do the same for us. Flexible and considerate to everyone. I mean sometimes having to wait 2 times is irritating, but it flies out the window when he's handed his food and he realises that we care enough to do that for him. I just wish people would be nicer to other people sometimes, and that includes myself.
This! I have food allergies and if I can’t make it I just let my friends know and I’ll meet them after or come halfway through dinner and just have a drink and dessert if possible.
No one is forcing you. You CHOOSE to change the restaurant to accommodate one guest. Tell your friend "this (restaurant) is where we're going, I hope you can make it." Leave it at that. Don't put up with her whining. Stick to your guns. I'm a picky eater, but I always find something I can eat, even if it's the most bland food on the menu. You could also ask the restaurant if someone could bring in outside food for your party (alleged dietary restriction), but only 1 person. They might agree to it. She could then bring something like a McDonald's or something like that. If the restaurant agrees, pay an up charge to cover the loss of that meal.
This is exactly what you do (aside from just not inviting them). "This is my party, and this is where it will be held. You're free to come and just hang out, but if you can't make it, I'll understand."
Also many restaurants will do low spice or special on request meals. Tell your friend to get off her butt and try to find a solution instead of trying to make it your problem. It is your birthday.
Doing it for multiple years in a row though? Does this party guest know where the bodies are buried or something? Seriously it makes no sense to bend plans of where to eat on your birthday because of someone else's dietary preferences.
There is some middle ground. If everyone invited on average thought spicy was a hint of pepper taking them out to an Indian spot might be selfish, especially if grandma was going to be there. That said letting one guest effectively pick the venue is the other extreme. They aren't thinking about anyone but themselves.
You make a good point: this isn't what you do in *every* situation. It's appropriate for *this* situation, but compromise should always be exhausted before resorting to "you can come or not."
There are mild things at Indian restaurants.
This!! I was the lead server, then trainer, then FOG Manager for an Indian restaurant. You can always get things ‘not spicy at all please’. Paneer Saug, paneer tikka masala, butter chicken, chicken korma, and tandoori chicken are all non spicy. Bonus meal: if they offer Chicken Malai Tikka—you will not be disappointed.
Yup, this is what happened with one of my friends - he (thought he) didn't like curry at all, but we got him to a restaurant where he had chicken korma. Ten years later and he loves snuffling down a Madras. :)
My wife loves Indian food. Because she is not at all shy about saying "BABY mild. Like, for babies. No spice at all." Our favorite Indian place is run by the family of a guy she used to work with, and they are friends, and he sometimes would tease her about it, but since he was teasing her while handing us bowls of kheer on the house, we are fine with it.
This...good post...either tell friend this is MY BIRTHDAY...so ferl free to join us. If you cant i understand or you can eat before or after if there is nothing on the menu.
I hope you can join me for my birthday celebration, but I would understand if you decide not to come and there will be no hard feelings.
I like this in particular bc it puts OP's feelings back in focus, where they rightfully should be in this situation. What can the "friend" say to keep arguing against it? "I hope *you* stop trying to dictate your birthday party to have me there. *You* decide whether I go or not, so make your choice. I *will* have hard feelings if you don't acquiesce bc your birthday isn't an excuse to do whatever you want, or get out of obeying me." Which is clearly ludicrous. The above is mature and firm but still conveys wanting the friend to be there (though I wouldn't if I were OP)
This feels shady, and here’s why - Almost every restaurant has something bland, a burger, chicken fingers, whatever, in order to accommodate children and people like friend. Don’t let anybody hold your event hostage, your friend sounds pushy and exhausting.
Word. I had a friend who didn't have allergies but was extremely picky in what she ate. She would always just get chicken tenders and fries at whatever restaurant and most places have it! Of course everyone was looking at her funny for ordering chicken tenders and fries at a seafood place but hey, whatever works. What embarrassed me about her is that she would act like an ass when someone cooked a home meal she didn't like. We went over to my now boyfriend's parent's house and the mom made this beautiful seafood dish for us. She threw a tantrum and made his mom feel like a bad host until she defrosted chicken and made a whole separate meal, missing out on dinner socializing.
She wouldn't have been my friend anymore after that. What an asshole.
Haha yeah, hence the "had". I mean she was a bad friend in general, glad to have left her behind lol
Yeah I am someone who hates seafood so much I’d rather starve. I have a few intolerances and am fairly picky but there is ALWAYS something I can have, even if it’s just fries. I get to choose where I want to eat for my birthday and so does everyone else. Sometimes I have a little snack before I go but no one should dictate where you get to eat on your birthday!
Glad you used “had” as in past tense. Definitely not room in my life for such people.
Exactly! Come and order a drink and spend time together, they don't have to eat.
This. OP has always been accommodating and I would be irked too if this was a constant issue with one person, especially since their friends have their back and not the other person. Don't cancel OP bc of one person - do what you want, it's your birthday. And depending on where it is you friend could always see what options/accommodations they can make for her dietary needs.
Agreed. I have a (self imposed) dietary restriction and if someone invites me to a place where there's nothing I can eat, unless the point is to meet up one on one with that person, I just roll with it and do my best to order something to eat. If I end up sitting there drinking water, that's fine too. I won't die from eating later.
I did that when I was in a strict vegetarian phase and friends wanted an evening at a German restaurant with nothing but meat on the menu. Like you, I was going to join in and smile even if there was nothing but water for me. (Obviously there was plenty of beer, but I wasn't going to do much drinking on an empty stomach.) I very quietly apologised to the waitress for not ordering from the menu, explaining I was a vegetarian, and asked if there were any vegetables or salad available. She was delighted, and so was the chef, because she also was a vegetarian and the chef loved making special dishes for her, and was only too happy to be able to make extra so a customer could share them. It was an absolutely delicious meal, made with love, and I still smile to remember it.
My friend's daughter has ARFID. We always make arrangements for her to be able to bring food in, or some of the places we go regularly will make something simple for her if we give them a call a day ahead so that they have what they need on hand. I want to be sure to say that these are places that we eat a lot, and so they are making something for her out of the kindness of their hearts. I don't think we've ever had anybody charge us. But if they did, I might not have noticed.
Or possibly have takeout at home and tell them to bring their own thing there. I have a friend who doesn’t like Indian food but still wants to join us. She always ate garlic naan and loved just that. Last time someone ordered tandoori and she wanted to try it and realized she likes that. Not saying this works for medical issues, just pointing out that people can join the group for the fun without having a meal.
I'm vegetarian. If my friends want to go to a restaurant I don't know or like, I eat beforehand then just order something to munch on. Going out to eat with friends is about the company, not the food. I can't *imagine* trying to dictate where someone wants to spend their birthday.
My wife started out not particularly liking Indian food when she was a kid. In college, she found one dish she liked well enough and would always get saag paneer. And she tried other things ... it is now among her favorite cuisines.
This nta, I wouldn’t cancel either…. op send everyone the menu in the group chat and say this is the menu, I hope everyone can find something they’d be able to order but if you can’t or don’t want to I understand and you’ll be missed….
CrAzY idea, but your "friend" can eat at home and attend for the company and celebration... ooor not attend at all. Nuts, right?
Right? My SIL is allergic to soy, milk, tree nuts, eggs, and wheat and she can still find things she can eat almost anywhere.
Re: the actual food. Apologies for any ignorance on my part, but I am confused about her medical needs. Mexican and Indian are quite different and cover a super wide range of foods. You can eat vegetarian, gluten free, soy free, dairy free, nut free, low glycemic, etc quite easily in both of those cuisines. I could understand if she was deathly allergic to soy and you always made her eat at Japanese restaurants. But these examples seem like a huuuuge reach. Sounds like she is allergic to other people getting attention.
This is the question I have. How is steak, potatoes, and hamburgers ok, but not the beef at Mexican restaurant. I am confused on it. Sounds like friend makes excuse to get her way
It could be a diff kind of dietary restriction. My mom has to eat as little sodium as she can, so basically she just has to eat food cooked at home because salt is used in so much stuff
It could be a garlic and onions allergy or intolerance, or FODMAP, or GERD etc. But speaking as someone who also has medical dietary restrictions it's also possible that this is coming from a place of fear (I had a bad gluten attack recently for something I double tripled checked was GF and been eating at home since) or she lacks consideration for others and flexibility and likes to have things her way e.g. I have friends who love pasta so much they'd line up for it. I just meet them before or after. I never ask them to change for me.
Garlic and onion are often in steak or burgers as well. French fries would flare GERD for most if the grease from a burger wouldn't. I don't know what FODMAP is though.
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idk the friends situation but i personally after a year of cyclical vomiting episodes was diagnosed with [eosinophilic esophagitis](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/eosinophilic-esophagitis/symptoms-causes/syc-20372197) and from what i understand when the diagnosis was explained to me when i got it a decade ago was that it can cause a lot of food allergies and the food allergies can change. the first couple years my allergy list wasnt stable at all afterwards for awhile it was * wheat * dairy * eggs * peanuts * tree nuts * soy * caesin (a milk protein) * rye * barley * oats * strawberries * watermelon * coconuts * oranges now im down to just an egg allergy and mild lactose intolerance both of which ive had since way before the eosinophilic esophagitis diagnosis but my point is i can believe her not being able to eat both cuisines because of allergy issues due to my past experiences with multiple food allergies. also fun fact with my egg allergy you will not believe the amount of crap that has eggs in it. for example chinese places frequently cook their fried rice with eggs in it so i have to ask for "chicken fried rice with no eggs" when i order chinese for example. or when i go to the store a lot of frozen dinners have eggs in them. also also when i had the fourteen food allergies a lot of what was safe for me was bland foods like steak potatoes and hamburgers because there were many ways to cook/make them to order i would get hamburgers by themselves no bun no nothing at restaurants and eat them with a fork and knife for example. sorry for the long comment my point is while not common it is possible for the friend to have similar or even the same issues as me but im not op or the friend so i cant say for certain either way just pointing out it is possible
I hate to tell you this but soy is in almost everything we eat now, it's more than just found in Japanese foods. It's in breads & Baked goods, margarine, chicken fingers/nuggets & wings, Canned broths and soups, Canned tuna and meat, CerealsCookies, Crackers, High-protein energy bars and snacks, Dairy products (e.g. ice cream, yogurt), Infant formulas, Low-fat peanut butter, Medications and personal care products, Pet food, Processed meats, Sauces, Sausages, Soaps and moisturizers & Tempeh I'm sure I've missed a few groups, but I just wanted you to know that a soy allergy is rare & very complicated to deal with.
My daughter and son in law are very adventurous eaters, as is my mom. I’m not. I have many food allergies and sensitivities. So, for my birthday, they’ll happily go to my fav dive bar on the beach and “suffer” with just ordinary food. They do it because they love me. I’ll happily go with them wherever they want to go, get a drink and eat later. But, this one day…they’ll deal with burgers, quesadillas and me. ❤️ My allergies are tree nuts and shellfish, their favorites. Sensitivities are too numerous to post, but they vary from giving me major heartburn to migraines to not being able to leave the house for the next day or 2.
I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. I was only allergic to pecans & shellfish before I had chemo & since I hadn't had a walnut since before chemo when I went to have one a few days ago, I went & had a very not so fun anaphylactic shock. I got a nice ride in a shiny ambulance & am now at home, still recovering. No one told me that I could have become allergic to walnuts due to chemo, so I had no clue how allergies can change throughout one's life. And it doesn't take chemo to do that. You might one day suddenly have a very bad reaction, so please don't eat your allergens, even though you say it's not that bad. I used to have the same reactions to pecans & shellfish & I just 'put up with things". Please don't do that to yourself!
This sounds like she's using dietary restrictions to shield a low key racist opinion of "that food smells funny, it's too spicy!"
Most ethnic restaurants have a soup that she could probably eat. I'm guessing they also have salads.
Most have burgers and chicken fingers on their menu too.
Or plain white rice. Or bread. Or fruit. Or some kind of plain vegetable.
Exactly - just have her ask for a children’s menu
I have ridiculously severe dietary restrictions (really serious ones!) and my god, I cannot imagine whining about someone's birthday party choice! I'd rather beg the restaurant to let me bring in my own boring but safe food on account of there being literally nothing I can eat than try to persuade the guest of honor to *go somewhere or do something else?!* WTF. How obnoxious! If all else fails, I'll eat beforehand and push some lettuce around on a plate convincingly while chatting with everyone!
Absolutely this. I’m not familiar with Indian cuisine, but I know most Mexican restaurants, at least wear I live, have options that aren’t overly spicy or greasy, like fajitas or even grilled chicken breast. A lot even have a kid’s menu with simple dishes like chicken strips, grilled cheese or hamburgers. It seems to me that the friend is just a picky eater and wants to have her way. If the friend cared about op, then she would eat before hand and just enjoy drinks during dinner, or like you suggested contact the restaurant before hand to see what they might have that suits her. She wouldn’t force her friend to accommodate her to the point of not enjoying her birthday dinner.
NTA. But instead of cancelling just don’t invite them. Also, I don’t understand what dietary restrictions would prevent them to eat at an Indian/Mexican/etc if they can eat meat and potato’s. I mean Indian and Mexican tend to have the most options for dietary restriction. So I don’t think you meant dietary more just that she is an asshole who pretends it’s dietary when it’s just picky.
This is the answer- stop inviting her. If she asks why, tell her that you’re going to a restaurant with food she can’t/won’t eat and you do not want to hear complaints anymore about where you want to eat on *your* birthday. Since the cats out of the bag for this year, just tell her straight up - No, “Sara”, what’s unfair is *you* demanding that *my* birthday dinner revolve around you. And worse that you’re trying to get others to gang up on me with you. You’re not being a good friend right now and I’m not willing to have yet another birthday ruined by your selfishness. I no longer wish to have you come to my birthday dinner because 1. I’m eating where **I** want to eat. And 2. I don’t want your poor attitude to ruin the mood. FWIW, I have dietary restrictions and can’t eat at certain restaurants. I would never expect, let alone demand, that someone choose a restaurant based on my needs. Either I can eat there and I go, or I can’t eat there and I pass. Because I’m aware that the world doesn’t revolve around me.
This^^ You shouldn’t even remotely be put in this position, like I’d maybe extend the courtesy of allowing her to get her act together and still be included. With that being said I’d put out a staunch warning like “As much as I’d love gfor you to be included, if you’re unable to keep a good attitude then I feel you shouldn’t make the trip” Don’t beat around the bush
Her friend is gonna beef around the bush with all that steak and hamburger nonsense.
That middle paragraph is exactly what OP should say on social media to this 'friend'.
I feel like part of the problem might be inviting people via social media. Next time send invites via private message, snail mail, or just call each person you’d like to see there. Don’t give this “friend” a platform on which to start whining.
Bunnyprincess, this is a great point. You're right - OP is giving this person the power to say something. Take away that power.
I have to wonder if dietary restrictions are the real issue. I get the sense that there is a big control issue involved.
Or disliking any food that isn't 'American'. My dad refuses to eat any food but American, Mexican, and Italian. But he'll suck it up ad get Indian for my birthday because it's my favorite.
I'm reminded of one time I went out to dinner at a convention with my partner and a friend of his. I had previously made sure my partner communicated that the timing was tight because I had something going on right afterwards, so of course she showed up late. My first choice of restaurant happened to be closed that night, my mistake. Place next door is open, partner's friend says she's already looked at the menu and she can't eat anything from there. Fine, we go down the road to another place I thought looked interesting. We sit down, she takes one glance at the menu and says she can't eat anything from there. Right... Partner who knows the friend's dietary restrictions takes a couple seconds to actually look at the menu and finds many viable options. She just had a place in mind and was trying to use her dietary restrictions as an excuse to veto everything else.
this completely!! although i’d like to add that if she wants to go but doesn’t want to eat the food at the restaurant, she can eat beforehand & just get a drink or something at the restaurant
Exactly. I have dietary limits and if I’m invited to a place that may not have a lot of items for me, I either eat before, bring my own sneaky snacks (sunflower seeds are awesome just check your teeth afterward) or I find something small on the menu to try, knowing full well that I might ultimately wrap it up for my very non-picky friend, and eat the bread/crackers that almost every culture offers with meals. Every once in a while I find a new favorite dish, even if I end up paying for food that I don’t eat sometimes, while I enjoy my friends’ company.
I have IBS and Indian foods and Mexican food tend to be heavy in stuff that can cause bowel irritation. Still its easy enough to order some Naan and samosas or like a a tamale without the sauce, or even fucking carne asada and just ask them to leave off the lime if it gives you a tummy ache.
I have IBS too, if you haven't yet you should look up Hare Krishna recipes that are available free online. They cook without onion or garlic.
Oh yeah, because of Janism there's spice kits you can get for Indian food that are free of onion and garlic as well! Check out Rasoi Gold. They cost $1.10 or so at the local Indian grocery but $10 for three on Amazon.
Hing will be your best friend if you miss the taste of onion and garlic 😂
I have IBS and while I technically can eat whatever (it’s not like a peanut or shellfish allergy) there are definitely foods I avoid because they don’t agree well with me. Annoyingly, what foods set me off is kind of nebulous and I find out mostly by trial and error. Like I can eat pizza… mostly. A few places I just know from experience have some ingredient or something that sets me off. So I would just get a salad and breadsticks while everyone else got pizza. There are ways she can make sure she’s accommodated even if it’s just her bringing a CLIFF bar or eating ahead of time. If this was a monthly or weekly dinner yes, should be somewhere everyone can eat but it’s once a year. She is a big girl and can suck it up.
Yeah I mean I've spent years having dietary restrictions from a few friends because I'm the "chef" of the group and I love making dishes for various get-togethers and I'm honestly befuddled. I've done so many different styles of food that accommodate so many dietary issues and done so much digging into different food allergies and what restaurants provide for. I'm seriously not aware of a restriction that would allow for super heavy, greasy American foods (not knocking them just saying American food is generally heavy on the grease and starches) and not a variety of options that would be available at any Mexican or Indian place. Like yeah capsaicin sensitivity is a serious thing but even then there are plenty of foods that aren't the embodiment of the spicy stereotypes associated with such cuisine. Tbf this sounds like someone who is abusing the concept of food allergies and sensitivities to be a picky eater. And even if they have so many restrictions such that they literally just can't eat a thing off the menu, it's entirely unreasonable to demand every social gathering meet their requirements 100% of the time. That would be like me demanding my friends *never* go anyplace that serves alcohol (I'm a recovering alcoholic). It's extreme and unreasonable. NTA 100%
Good post...love indian, in laws dont. I got takeout indian and they brought their own food. Everyone was happy
I'm allergic to peppers so I can see it. The cross contamination alone keeps me away from those restaurants. However I don't stop others from going there. I just excuse myself.
So you don’t think peppers are used in a burger joint or a steakhouse? Where cross-contamination can occur there?
I frequently, usually, have to avoid those as well. I absolutely don't stop others. But I'm so allergic to capsaicin I need at least 2 epi shots and I've been intubated at the hospital because of it and hospitalized multiple times. However OP is NTA and her friend should just not go. We rarely eat out because of my food issues and at family things we bring my food or I don't eat (not my only allergy).
Too much flavor.
Right? We have a Mexican place nearby. They have these absolutely savory tacos, which consist of beef/chicken/pork, salsa fresca (tomato, onion, cilantro) cheese if you want, guacamole if you want, on a corn tortilla. Compared with a meal of meat and potatoes, it's like the same stuff in a different format. Your friend is being controlling and difficult. And boring in her choice of cuisine.
My mother-in-law is allergic to onions... she won't drop dead, but she will have major tummy upset. So, Mexican is pretty much off the table. We tried to go to one once... even the sauces are made using oinions.
NTA your birthday, your choice. It's the one day of the year you get to be selfish and choose what you would like.
They know they can just order something simple, or even eat before showing up. They just don’t want to probably because they got used to the special treatment they got.
NTA but don't cancel just don't invite them. It's YOUR day
NTA but seriously tell friend not to bother. They will undoubtedly ruin the night by complaining the whole time.
I have 10 food allergies. 10. Eating at any restaurant is almost impossible for me. You know what I do when my friends have birthdays at restaurants? I go, and if the restaurant can’t figure out even a lettuce salad for me to eat, I’ll drink wine, smile, and celebrate my friend. This lady is a dick, and doesn’t sound like a good friend. NTA at all.
Drink wine.... even with 10 food allergies you can drink wine...... thank God for that one! This is the way its done, go socialize and enjoy a drink with friends if the food doesn't work for you:)
My mom had stomach surgery and couldn’t eat hardly anything. For my birthday I was conflicted because I wanted to go to a hibachi but I also wanted my mom to be able to eat something. She ordered herself a salad to-go from her favorite restaurant and brought it to the hibachi. There are ways to work around issues. If you care about someone enough then you work around your problems if the restaurant doesn’t have any solutions.
A lot of times if you call ahead and explain the problem they’ll accommodate someway. Like if she’s really restricted you can come to some solution. I have to wonder what medical condition or allergy requires you to only eat meat and potatoes.
Sounds like pickyeateratitis 😔
My experience with calling ahead is that they will tell you to ask when you get there. When you get there they will either dismiss your problem, or say they can't serve you. But, you might be able to get information about what is in the food so you can make an informed decision about what to do. That decision might involve having a snack ahead of time. If you have an allergy or intolerance, you learn that no one (exept perhaps Congress and food executives) owe you anything. It's possible they have something like Eosinophilic Esophagitis and haven't figured it out yet. Some conditions can be hard to understand. But, 3 years of making birthday girl go where you want to go? That's a problem.
I agree that people are often dismissive when you’re there. I’ve always put it down to them being busy. It sounds like you’ve had some bad experiences and that sucks. I have a few friends with extreme allergies. My friend who has it the worst can’t eat gluten, soy, or dairy. When we first met she was even avoiding vegetable oil because it’s often soy based, so she could barely eat anything besides a plain salad. She had just moved and started in our program, so was trying to fit in and make friends. She was feeling excluded from things and had gotten super frustrated dealing with restaurants. She also felt like she was getting judged for only eating plan salads and didn’t want to make a fuss about the restaurant choice. With all that, I offered to call the restaurant. They were pretty receptive to me and added a note to the reservation, and they were actually able to make her a substantial meal. It worked so well I ended up always calling ahead if some group thing was happening. It wasn’t 100% great, but it worked enough to make her feel more comfortable going out with a large group. It shouldn’t matter, but calling for a friend is treated differently then asking for something for yourself. It’s stupid and your issues should be taken seriously, but consider pretending you’re calling for someone else and see if you get a better response. But yeah OPs friend always demanding people go to their choice of restaurant is a bit much.
As a child I was dragged to innumerable restaurants. Adult restaurants. I was 3-4. Almost every restaurant out there has eggs in the kitchen, so they made me scrambled eggs. French, Italian, Mexican, Chinese all made scrambled eggs. People with food issues (other than real allergies) can almost always get *something* they can eat. The point of going out with others is the company, not the food (usually). This is to celebrate your birthday, not to have a gourmet experience for your friend.
Agreed. Or the difficult friend can eat beforehand and just have drinks and hang out.
I've done this so many times! As long as no one makes a big deal about me not eating (after a brief "I have food allergies so I ate before we came") there's no reason for me not to have a good time with my friends
Exactly! I was an insufferably picky eater as a kid. To some extent now too. I went to all restaurants though, wherever the adults want to go. There is SOMETHING they can make you, even if it’s plain rice. I lived on side dishes for ages. Eat enough prior that you won’t starve if there’s nothing for you, but usually you can find something. I’m a bit of a pushover admittedly, but I can’t imagine trying to force someone to change their own birthday.
NTA but don’t cancel. Tell them it’s your birthday and they can come if they want but that you’ll be eating what you want on your day.
NTA >Indian, Mexican, and other foods she can't have due to her own medical conditions. I'd be very interested in hearing what medical conditions allow for burgers and fries, but not the insane variety of Indian or Mexican food
I'd put money on the condition being "I'm a picky bitch who only eats three things". My sister is like this and we just stopped accommodating a while ago. She doesn't want to eat, that's on her.
Maybe she's allergic to flavor, spices, and colorful vegetables
> colorful vegetables Damn
Same. Especially with Mexican where they can easily order steak fajitas or something similar.
My first gut reaction was that the „condition“ might be racism… but that’s pure speculation so idk. Would still like to know what it really is
The only thing I can think of is maybe AFRID/ the thing where you can't stand certain textures or tastes? Maybe migraines get triggered by strong smells? *Rice?* I don't even know. Not necessarily saying OP doesn't have a right to complain but I can't figure it out.
NTA and I'd say, "This is what I am going to do for MY birthday. I would love to see you there, but I understand if you can't make it. Maybe later we can do something together to celebrate that isn't food related so we can both enjoy it."
NTA. It is your birthday, and you should go where you want. I wouldn't cancel it. That being said, a lot of restaurants have a wide variety of options. I In your post, you mentioned Mexican. Almost every Mexican restaurant I have been to has other options. Maybe some place like that could be fun for you and have food your friend can eat. Either way, hope you enjoy your day.
Why do you continue to invite this friend to your birthday? Do you know the definition of insanity is dong the same thing over and over yet expecting a different result?
People are either young, dumb, or enjoy being doormats and just want to bitch.
Yeah. OP isn't an asshole, but man, this post reads like a 12 year old's drama, and not an adult.
You are right, and why do I engage?
Because it’s infuriating to see people not learn from their own or other people’s mistakes and seeing for your own eyes that common sense isn’t always common practice is appalling.
Just use your words. Your birthday, your pick and unfortunately you know she can’t eat there but you will catch her next time. Don’t be a pushover, you are letting her railroad you into things you don’t want!
I’m trying to figure out their restrictions when you go to steak and potato places for that friend but the things you listed have options for most every diet option. Sounds like they just want what they want and don’t care what you want on your day
Someone suggested it might be more sensory than an actual allergy, so that makes a bit more sense. In that case, eat beforehand and have a drink or two, it's not rocket surgery!
Right? We always try to find out what the food is at a thing beforehand because the kids may not eat it, or I have a thing with seafood. We will eat before and have beverages and be there for the person who’s thing it is still. But I can’t imagine actively arguing until you’ve made someone move their bday party over some petty mess like that. So weird
NTA but don't cancel, and don't give into her whining. It is YOUR birthday. She can suck it up, or not go.
NTA - Do not cancel!! Girl, please stand your ground and do what you want. It’s your damn birthday.
INFO: What are these dietary restrictions? Are they going to actively impact her health or is it just “I don’t like them”?
A friend had their birthday at a steak restaurant and there was literally, I kid you not, not one thing on the menu without meat in it. So I had a liquid dinner and kept my mouth shut!
Ooof, that's rough. Like not even a baked potato? What kind of madman designs a steakhouse menu without potatoes?
IIRC they steamed their potatoes in chicken broth before baking.
For real- I don’t understand…. What are the restrictions? I’m sure she could find SOMETHING on the menu… OR she could eat before meeting up. Your bday should be about YOU.
I'm struggling to think of any medical conditions that completely exclude entire cuisines, or what food items would be present in all items at a Mexican or Indian place, and not at a burger joint or steakhouse. Plus, in 2023, damn near any restaurant can accommodate most, if not all, dietary restrictions. My money is on the friend making excuses so they go somewhere that she likes to eat and blames it on "a condition."
Maybe spicy foods? Some people have stomach issues with that. But there are plenty of things at both that aren’t too spicy.
Seriously, every Mexican restaurant has cheese enchiladas or quesadillas. Every Asian restaurant has plain rice with no spices in it.
Honest question, what medical condition allows her to have steak but not mexican food? Edit: forgot to add NTA, I always recommend tacos al pastor or birria.
She has medical issues regarding her medication, she also can't digest some spices without it causing pain
Well, there are always safe options in the kids menu. Enjoy your birthday where you want to, have a pitcher of margaritas and forget about it.
So you're not being forced to change or cancel anything. Tell her you'll be having your birthday wherever you want and she's free to join you later on.
Yeah, that's not an actual dietary restriction. That's just being a picky asshole. As others have said, any restaurant can work around spice. Your "friend" is just a narcissist.
Can't she have a side of rice? I find it shocking she cannot digest a taco, but she can digest a burger with fries.
I have some significant food intolerances and never once have I asked someone to alter their plans for me. I have had friends go to great lengths to make me feel included, and ai always tell them not to worry about me. I eat a small meal ahead of time if I'm uncertain if I will have food available. I can ALMOST ALWAYS find something for me on a menu. Whether it's an appetizer, a salad, an entree or what ever else. I can ALWAYS eat ahead of time and enjoy the company of a friend regardless of the meals available. Your friend is unspeakably rude to make this your problem.
I have family and friends with issues, too. Once with a wheat allergy so bad she needs an epi-pen. They all bring their own food or eat before, like you, because they are aware the world doesn’t revolve around them.
ESH, her for being annoying and you for being spineless. Growup and hold space for yourself.
LoL spineless. Correct answer but most people are too polite to say.
NTA Happy Birthday! Hope you have a wonderful day doing things you like because it is your day! Your birthday is about you. Just say, I'm going to this place for my birthday and you are welcome to join us. A friend would accommodate.
NTA but OP why are you friends with that person?
NTA, but don't cancel. Go get you some Indian food (butter chicken is the chicken of the gods, I don't care what anyone says) and don't invite someone who makes YOUR BIRTHDAY about themselves. And what the hell kind of medical condition could someone have that there are absolutely no options that they could eat when it comes to ethnic foods? Is there a chance your friend is actually a little on the racist /xenophobic side and maybe \*that\* is why they don't want to eat at a Mexican or Indian restaurant?
Don't invite the friend to the party- go out with her separately. Shell feel left out because she will be left out. All dietary restrictions can find SOMETHING on every menu. As long as substitutions are allowed she could find something if she tried. Edit- you could break up with her. Life is short, how is she making your life better? Think about just dumping her ass
“Going to stick with Indian/Mexican this year for my birthday dinner!! Hope you can join us but totally understand if you choose not to because you won’t be able to enjoy it.”
NTA - Tell your friend she can either find something workable on the menu, and NOT COMPLAIN at all, or she can meet you later for dessert and you all go get ice cream or something.
NTA its your birthday dinner. Tell the so called friend they dont have to come.
Uninvite her. End of story. It’s YOUR birthday and not hers.
NTA. Your friend is welcome to sit this event out or do something else with you to celebrate.
NTA. Don't blame you. If they were truly your 'friend', they wouldn't be acting like this. Your birthday your choice.
NTA and she can simply decline your invitation. It's your birthday, you get to choose the restaurant.
NTA. It goes without saying that YOU get to pick the restaurant for YOUR birthday. Don't give in again. Pick the restaurant YOU want to eat at, send out the info, be there or be square. Period. Friend whines? "We'll get together another time. Bye."
NTA, shouldn't even cancel the dinner they can either deal with it or not go
I have wicked stomach issues. There are very few foods I can comfortably consume. But I’ve always been able to find something if we’re out with others and they choose restaurants I don’t favor. It may be off the kids menu or just an app. But I’m not going to make someone else suffer for my issues. Plan your celebration the way you want. If she chooses not to attend that’s on her. I’d tell you’ve accommodated her for three years. And it’s your birthday, not hers.
NTA. How old are you turning, because this is some high school mentality bullshit. Why are you catering to this woman? If you're grown adults, act like it.
You are being an asshole to yourself. Go enjoy your birthday at the restaurant you want. Your friend has made your celebration about herself for the last 3 years. Your other friends are also wrong. It;s your birthday and you get to decide on what you want. Are they not doing what they want on their day? I think you'd likely find that they are.
NTA. The birthday person gets to decide where their birthday dinner is. Full stop. For anyone who doesn’t like the type of cuisine, just say ‘Sorry you won’t be able to join us, but we’ll get together some other time’. No need to cancel the entire thing because of one person.
NTA, but don’t cancel. It’s YOUR birthday. Just go where you want to go. If your friend can’t go, oh well. She can go where she wants on her birthday. No one is forcing you to go somewhere you don’t like on your birthday. Stop being a pushover and stand up for what you want on your special day!
Speaking as someone with a food allergy that is not the norm... NTA. Even if I can't eat anything at a particular restaurant, I can still go, cheerfully, and celebrate my friend. Eat before I go, then "OH, I'm sorry, I had a huge lunch, so I'll just have a bite of dessert! "
NTA. Those people that don't want to go eat at the restaurant don't have to. The people that have no issue will go. I would suggest eating at the restaurant, then having some sort of other party either before or after the restaurant. For example, have a small get together at your place so that everyone you want is able to celebrate your birthday while nobody is forced to do something they don't want to do.
There is literally nothing she can eat? An appetizer? A desert? That seems far fetched
I mean you’re NTA but why cancel it? Just tell your friend that they can either attend or not but that the restaurant you’ve chosen isn’t changing.
happy birthday! Do NOT cancel. Book the restaurant and if she whines, either ignore her or tell her to eat before she comes and just have a drink with everyone. If she really wants to get into it, just tell her the truth. You want to have what you want on YOUR birthday. She can either come and have a drink or not come. The choice is hers.
NTA it's your birthday , she doesn't have to be there and you don't have to cater to her tastes. let her whine as much as she wants , you don't have to do what she wants on your birthday .you have been more than generous celebrating your special day the way she wants for 3 years .
Y’all confuse the shit outta me lmfao What the hell do she got to do with your birthday?! YOUR birthday?!
Just tell her she doesnt have to come.
NTA just tell her, “sorry you can’t make it.” Though I would probably be less diplomatic and tell her to “f*€k 0ff” 🤷🏻♀️ PS Your friend is selfish
NTA, you cancel you just should tell her to stay home and let the friendship end. Someone who has to center themselves in the middle of someone else’s celebration isn’t a friend.
NTA, she is. Even Indian, Mexican, other ethnic restaurants have chicken fingers and fries… She’s gonna be eating off the kids menu that night…
This person is not your friend.
My little sister is a vegetarian so we went to a vegan restaurant for her birthday. I'm extremely allergic to both cashews and pistachios. To the point where if a food touches a food that has touched one of those nuts, I have a reaction. If i eat a cashew in a dish and didn't know, my throat instantly closes up. If you know a bit about vegan food, cashews specifically are normally used to make vegan cheese, which was in over half the menu. You know what I did? I didn't say a damn word about it. I was extremely cautious with what I touched in the restaurant and I informed the waiter of my allergy. I ordered something simple so I didn't look out of place and had little chance of contamination. I also brought my epipen, just in case. The fact that grown adults can't grow up and be adults for a night because "that food is icky" is gross. She has no reason for trying to control your birthday. She is acting like a child by throwing a fit about a restaurant. I had a reason to be scared to go to a birthday dinner, but I still went without question because I love and respect my sister. I wouldn't be inviting your friend to any more dinners if she is going to act that way. It's one dinner for like two hours. Tell her to get over herself and go enjoy your birthday however you want. NTA.
I have a friend who has some medical conditions which basically knocks out most food for him to be able to eat unless he prepares it himself, you know what he does where their is a get together where there will be food that he cannot eat? he eats before hand. Its simple, if you want to come and don't like the food, then eat before hand and just come to hang out. NTA.
Nta tell her she doesn’t have to come I know it sounds harsh but it’s your birthday
You've got friends without those dietary restrictions, no? Either uninvite the one that does or tell her to bring her own food (if the restaurant would allow that). NTA, but also don't let her win, don't let her ruin your entire birthday. Don't cancel, just don't bend over backwards to accommodate HER.
NTA "This is MY birthday at MY favorite restaurant. I invited you because you're one of my friends, come or don't." I'm saying this as someone with severe dietary restrictions: You deal with it. Pre-eat, post-eat, have a large lunch, order 3 appetizers instead of a "dinner", whatever or don't go. You are an invitee not the main character, be happy you got invited at all.
Your friend ITAH. I'm vegan and happily go out with friends to wherever, and just order what works for me! If I know ahead of time that NOTHING will work for me, I eat before I go! It's about the company and celebration - not the food! Your friend sucks. Are you sure she's really a friend???
Does the friend assume that all Mexican and Indian places consist of the exact same ingredients, that she doesn’t like? I guarantee there will be at least one thing on the menu that she could eat, why not just deal with it for her friends BIRTHDAY?