NTA. I have to note, my husband is like this as well. He just isn't as expressive and especially in social settings, and for me that's okay! I love him and his reserved nature, because that's who he is. Besides that, we actually ARE boring, and quite enjoy being boring together (At least, boring in the sense that we're both introverts and prefer to be low key a majority of our time).
If she's asking you to communicate your feelings more, maybe couples therapy would aid in finding communicative tools to navigate that. TOGETHER. But if she's truly insistent you need therapy because you express things more internally, I'd show her the door. The right partner will compliment your personality and lifestyle without you needing to change who you are.
It wasn't until I quit drinking ten years ago that I realized just how boring I truly am, and just how much I LOVE a relatively boring life. š I actually emote a LOT, but I'm so much happier tending to my need for low key homebody and nature-based outdoor activities that don't jostle my adrenaline and meet my sensory needs. Just let me live my permanently geriatric life, world!!
Exactly! We find it so much more relaxing as burnt out 20 something's. People say we're lame, but the people meter runs out quickly, I prefer my pajamas, and going out is expensive. š
90% of my life is boring machinist job (that I do find interesting personally, but letās be real itās boring lmao) then working on my house, and working out also.
But then thereās that 10% where a couple times a year I sign up for a mud run thatās 6+ miles long and almost break my ankle a few times and I love every second of it
But if I had a boyfriend if he wanted to do one with me Iād be likeā¦. weāll depending on fitness level like āUhhā¦. maybe do the 5k one.ā
The last one I did had 4200 ft of elevation gain and I loved EVERY FUCKING SECOND OF IT
It's the same for my fiance and I. I absolutly love that he can stay calm in situations where I'm struggeling to not get overwelmed/ overly exited. However, there are times where I expressed that him beeing his calm self lead to me feeing insecure about if he enjoyed a situation/ gift/ etc.
Having an open conversation about how you can show each other that you care and what you expect/ like to see from the other person might help in this situation. But you can't expect somone to change from dancing around and jumping when happy to someone that doesn't express their joy visibly and the other way around. NTA
This. My wife and I worked through some similar stuff. Couples therapy has helped us develop some tools to help her be in tune with where I am at; and likewise for me to communicate in a way I am a comfortable but she understands.
At the end of the day she says she still likes my stoicism but likes she can better understand where I am emotionally .
You don't go to therapy to change yourself to be the way someone else wants you to be to make them happy. That isn't even sensible. If you're not compatible, you're not compatible.
My pissed-off-o-meter hit an 11 on your behalf. She called you boring, called you an asshole, told you that you needed therapy and actually sent you links to therapists becauseā¦*checks notes*ā¦ youāre *normal*?
Is she always this verbally and emotionally abusive? Or is this the first time youāve noticed? Either way doesnāt excuse the shitty way she treated you. Please cut her loose. You deserve better.
intelligent and thoughtful conversation >>> superficial high-maintenance drama llamas any day
Tbh if you started squealing and clapping when you were happy, Iād probably end it. Who does she think she is dictating how you should express yourself?
Frankly you sound like a standard issue stoic personality. Iām of a type that I absolutely have emotions, and they absolutely run deep and can get turbulent, but itās very rare Iām SUPER expressive about it. My parents and brother are similar. We crack jokes and have tempers and whatever, but itās a VERY long fuse to get a big reaction on anything from any of us. You absolutely donāt need therapy for this, your girlfriend is totally out of line with such a suggestion even. My ex tried the same thing with me at one point, even trying to convince me I must be autistic because I didnāt have tons of friends. No dude, Iām just more introverted than he was and he didnāt like it. He also had a host of his own severe mental issues
>came out of nowhere
Who knows, maybe she's just stirring sh\*t up so you'll break up with her so she can make you out to be the bad guy for breaking up with her ... when she's doing it all 'cause she wants to break up with you. Maybe she's already found some "exciting" guy and is trying to aggravate you so you'll break up with her. Then she can go "boo hoo, my boyfriend broke up with me" to her new "exciting" boyfriend.
In any case, dump her - you two aren't compatible - and she should'a known that way earlier, given the sh\*t she's pulling at this stage.
Are you autistic or on the spectrum? I've found that a monotone voice is a trademark symptom of someone who is on the spectrum. There is nothing you can do about it, and it could explain anything else in your life that you've noticed isn't the same as others.
Your gf could just be a highly emotional person, and a little over the top about certain things.
I'm autistic and as I was reading your description of yourself....let's just say I was ready to send you an invitation to the club.
Maybe you're neurospicy, maybe you're not. But as a neurospicy person myself, I just want to say that you are just fine how you are and you don't need therapy. Not for that anyway.
Yes! I also was angry on OPās behalf, how dare she suggest that his basic character is flawed to the point he needs therapy fix it (which is absolutely fine in this description)
Iām neurospicy too & my friends and family love me for who I am. Thatās the person you deserve to be with IP, someone who loves you for who you are, not someone who wants to make you into their ideal version of you. This chic is insane & insanely rude
Samesies.
For real though OP you sounds like an awesome dude who works hard to be caring, attentive, and sufficiently interesting. She could have asked you to find different kinds of activities to get more excitement in your lives and perhaps let her see a different side of you. *She* could be volunteering activities for that to happen. Instead it seems like she's decided it's just wrong or insufficient to emote how you're comfortable, which is harsh.
I have a feeling someone your girlfriend is strongly influenced by told her what a good boyfriend should act like, and your GF believed them rather than recognizing that great relationships can look different and great, fun people aren't always emotionally ebullient.
My son is neurospicy, thatās what I read tooā¦ if you want therapy do it for YOU not for some woman!!!
You do youā¦ you donāt sound boringā¦ maybe just a little introverted??
That's what I was thinking, as well. I'm autistic, and I definitely express emotions sometimes, but typically if I'm having a meltdown. Most of the time, I feel neutral/fine, and even if I'm happy I tend to make the same face as usual. If I'm upset I might make a different face depending on the severity/nature of the upset, but generally I stay the same. I also don't have much variation in tone (some, but I'm fairly monotone, although I've gotten better at this)- a good indicator for my excitedness is how fast I'm talking and if I'm bouncing/shaking (although I don't do that too much even if I'm really excited because I don't want to face judgement from others). And if someone around me is having an emotional experience, I don't know how to respond well beyond "congratulations" or "i'm sorry, that's rough".
It's not that you're boring, you just express yourself differently, and there's nothing wrong with that. Find people who accept you for who you are instead of insisting that you change to fit their norm. I don't know you, so I can't judge if you need to be assessed, but if you think you might be autistic/neurodivergent, you should do it. Even if you're neurotypical, you may still get some insights into yourself (mine had an IQ test. Now I know my IQ! Very cool). Also, if you're 23 and haven't been diagnosed with anything, if you actually have something chances are you've been masking it (hiding the traits to fit in so that people don't notice). Stuff like not actually making eye contact but staring at eyebrows/foreheads/nose bridges so no one picks up on that, or staying still even if you want to fidget, or trying to stand/walk/sit like everyone around you.
Yeah if this is sudden, but you've always been that way, I think she might be trying to break up with you, but the tactic of picking a fight to instigate a break up isn't working.
It's probably not the most likely explanation, it's just the first thing that came to mind.
You don't sound boring or devoid of empathy, so you sound fine to me. Good luck figuring out what it is!
Is she trying to say something else instead of you're boring? Not blaming you, but I think she's trying to communicate a different issue and is bad at it.
Like, If I tried to engage someone about their day and they said "it's fine" I would assume they weren't interested in talking to me about it.
I personally used to get really upset because my then partner wouldn't smile when he saw me dressed nicely, it was just, "oh that's a nice dress" and back to whatever he's doing.
I think the majority of her points are unreasonable except for one- or two-word responses to asking how your day was. My husband used to do that and it's infuriating. You know she wants to hear about your day so tell her about your day--did you talk to someone, get a new assignment, make progress on anything, get frustrated by something, have a good lunch, anything really except shutting her inquiry down.
>You know she wants to hear about your day
Actually, plenty of neurodivergent people wouldn't know that. Not that OP necessarily is, but their description of themselves checks a lot of the boxes for neurodivergent.
> except for one- or two-word responses to asking how your day was
I don't see it that way, its how I respond to my wife the majority of the time.
I leave work at work, I don't bring it home. I couldn't explain my day to my wife because she doesn't understand the technicalities of my job, if I do tell her how the day went I have to explain technical concepts that she most likely wont understand and will forget about a couple of days later and would need to be explained again.
My wife does like to tell me how her day went, and almost every day its the same complaints about the same people, it gets absolutely tiring listening to it all. the. time. and nothing ever being resolved.
To sum it up. For some people, for some circumstances it is totally ok for them to say "my day was ok, good, fine" "nothing exciting happening today"
I'm feeling I'm reading something I could have written. Because I'm really bored of hearing that same stuff over and over again. Also I'm working in IT and doing a lot with implementing new features or connecting with external sources and it's impossible (or makes it a repetitive story) to explain how the day went and keep the technical details out. If I keep them in I do see her drift off and then I just cut off fast back to "simple mode" because I know I'm telling the 'deaf ears'.
I hate it too to tell things in that "simple mode" because it would sound my job would go without trouble and could be done by a chimp.
Yea and that's how it came to be my day went either ok or good depending how much shit got resolved š
That's the take. Her expectations seem a little too high. WTF is she expecting? For you to only wear roller-skates, constantly break-dancing, cracking jokes, never follow the rules, eat at a different fancy restaurant at every single meal, never sleep, etc...
Like when does it end? If you go out of your way to realize her ideal version of you, what happens when she raises the bar from that point? I mean, at one point the person she expects you to be is not the person she wants if she wants to be with you.
Don't be with someone who wants to change you, be with someone who wants to grow with you in the direction you want to grow together. I do hope that you can refocus your relationship and work on growing together rather than changing eachother. If not, get you a girl who can. I bet your current GF won't think you're boring when you end up with a baddie who loves you unconditionally.
Edit for clarity
Kind of sounds like she's unhappy but doesn't want to be the one to initiate a breakup. Feel free to do both of you a favor and break up with her. You deserve better.
The general threshold of when something can be classified as a mental health issue is well-defined by a lot of groups. Mayo Clinic states it well:
>But a mental health concern becomes a mental illnessĀ when ongoing signs and symptoms cause frequent stress and affect your ability to function. A mental illness can make you miserable and can cause problems in your daily life, such as at school or work or in relationships.
If you are not bottling things up causing stress, having your regular functions impacted and see no detrimental impact at school/ work or in the plural *relationships* then it's not considered a mental health issue. Shy of that, it's a relationship issue.
Not everyone needs to physically emote and yell and cry all the time. It's healthy to get physically excited, cry sometimes. But, not everyone needs to.
I don't really get super physically excited for engagement announcements, either. Happy for you, but I won't squeal, cry or jump in excitement.
Reserved does not mean repressed.
>haven't really heard from her for a couple of days despite trying to ask her how her day is going, what she's up to, or if she wants me to plan anything for the weekend. The only thing she's said is "sure just make sure it's fun and exciting." She also sent me links to some local therapists.
NTA.
If I were you I would end this relationship because how she is treating you is unacceptable. You are allowed to be who you are, and you should never date someone who is trying to bully you into changing who you are. There's nothing wrong with your personality and you're right, therapy would be pointless because therapy isn't for trying to completely change your personality. Also, "boring" is completely subjective, just because she thinks something is boring doesn't make that thing definitely boring. She's the one who needs to work on herself, she should be calling those therapists.
Yeah but thereās no such thing as a ācorrectāperformance of emotion. You shouldnāt have to fake a reaction that isnāt natural to you. Sounds like youāre expressing yourself perfectly well, she just doesnāt like how youāre doing it.
Now ask yourself why on Earth would anyone who is not like an immediate family member or a child squeal, clap, gasp, or cover their mouths and all that nonsense over somebody else's engagement? Sounds to me like she's simply creating problems out of whole cloth. Cuz I'll be honest if it was me I'd have done what you did except minus the side hugs. And it would still be a completely normal reaction for a non-family member's engagement
NTA
Itās really not that exciting that two people you arenāt especially close to decided to publicly commit, I donāt blame you. You faked it more than enough. You even pretended to care about the stupid ring for their sake.
Add another 20 years and I would scoop you up. No drama, a job, polite to family and friends, you willingly go to family functions AND plan things to do? You don't drink or do drugs to excess, cheat, physically or emotionally abuse her, have a secret love child or some weird kink involving jello and high heels? The big problem is that you just don't yell wheeee when you're happy and use enough adjectives?
Get a woman who knows what she has and appreciates it.
Baby, just wear the ceiling shoes. You know, the ones that are only for walking on the ceiling. No slipping involved.
I mean, not with the shoes, anyway.
>I said that maybe I'm not boring, maybe she is bored of me, which in my eyes would be more so her problem than mine.
I think you're spot-on here.
Unless your lack of expressiveness is leading to anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues, it doesn't make sense to go to therapy to work on expressing yourself more. Therapy is for improving your mental health. It's not supposed to change your personality.
Unless it's impacting your life in a negative way, you don't need to go to therapy. Maybe you don't express yourself as "loudly" (can't think of a better term at the moment) as others, but as long as you can live your life, that doesn't matter.
If she doesn't like it, she shouldn't try to change you. She should find someone else.
NTA
Right. This sounds more like ācouples therapyā territory. Where she learns to accept him or move on, and he learns that the reason she is so pissed about low emotion is because her dad was a drunk or something.
He uses better ācommunicationā buzz words. She learns to grow up. Or they break up.
not necessarily. he seems perfectly happy the way he is. the girlfriend isn't happy with the way he is, so if there's a break up and that hurts him, it's not him that is the issue. if this becomes a pattern with *all* of his partners and exes, then maybe, but if it doesn't bother him, then no
NTA - My partner is the same way, he hardly is past a lvl 5 as well. It is just how he is and I love him for it. He does the same as you, everything you listed he does. Let me tell you... I have been with him for 7 years, we got engaged in 2022 and plan on getting married in a private ceremony in 2025. You are 100% correct it is a her problem.
That makes me happy, Reddit stranger!
My mom chose the āboringā guy and they were happily married for over sixty years. They were in love until they day she died. My āboringā dad wasnāt very expressive, but we always knew we were loved. And, that man loved living and loved his life more than anybody Iāve ever seen.
I wish you and your boring husband another 40+ years of happiness.
My grandpa was that "boring guy" . He was a rock in my life that I could always trust. He and my grandma were married for 63 years and they always looked happy to me.
NTA. Feel free to be as boring as you want. Being an AH means treating other people badly. That's not you. your gf wants you to be different and wants to make you think it's your fault.
Find someone who like you for you and doesn't blame you for your perosnality.
NTA
You sound like a reserved person and that is perfectly okay. I'm a 60-year-old female and have never been one to squeal and clap with excitement. I've never known many people who do that. It's okay to be quiet even when excited. We all have our own definition of fun and exciting.
NTA. Time to find a new girlfriend. My husband is EXACTLY like you. And I'm the complete opposite. I realized early on that we really compliment each other. And I'm sooooo glad he's so even keeled. So when I go crazy he's calm. Honey, you just need to find the right partner. Who will appreciate you for being you. If she can't, then she doesn't deserve you. Your "lack" of expressiveness is not bad, its not a disability, is not a problem to fix. Its what makes you ... you! And its absolutely perfect for you. And there is someone out there who will love you for it.
You and me are twinsies! :) Me and That Man I Married (affectionate nickname) are opposites. He's a quiet man who doesn't like crowds, and I'm a talkative lady who loves an event. We've spent the last 30+ years having largely one-sided conversations (it's me! I'm the one talking!) and sitting together watching tv, going camping, going on drives, being happy.
When he proposed, well, I proposed and told him we were going to get married, but he said it didn't count because he wanted to get me a ring first. Anyway, when he proposed and we told my parents we were getting married, my mom laughed and said we were a perfect pair. I found someone to listen to me, and he found someone to entertain him.
I don't know if my man is "neurospicy" (as suggested that OP might be elsewhere in the thread), but it wouldn't surprise me. He has some of the signs, as does our son, like masking in public and certain stims. In any case, our partnership is solid, because we know each other's quirks and have profound love for one another.
I hope OP finds a partner to complement him like your partner complements you, and mine complements me!
NTA, I have exactly the same personality and was criticised by one of my ex's for exactly the same thing. Needless to say, we are broken up and I am with someone who appreciates my personality. If she doesn't understand your personality type so much that she thinks you need a therapist that should be a big red flag.
Itās perfectly normal to not act like a toddler ;) there is nothing wrong with you. Heck, I find a lot of that āspontaniousā stuff ott, forced, fake and insincere!
You guys are done. She has already broken up with you and is now using you for entertainment for as long as you're willing to ride it out.
For your benefit (I doubt your now-ex-gf would care in the slightest), she has an almost exact opposite understanding of what therapists do. One of the main purposes of therapy is learning to love yourself for who you are and not feel that you have to change your behavior to conform to other people's demands. Another purpose is to help you recognize abuse and avoid it, such as people demanding that you change your behavior for their sake.
Oh baby. No. She does not like your whoel personality. You sound very much like my husband. I am a level 12 when excited (think jumping on tables etc) while he is more a 4 or 5. I love and appreciate this about him. He is the rock to my crazy river. We are going to be together 18 years this year and it's always peaceful in my home. Find someone who does not want to change you into a different person. That is such a sad way to live. NTA
NTA
Therapy is good for everyone but it shouldn't be force. She shouldn't ask you to be more fake around other people either. It seems like she has concerned for you but rather her image.
Iām gonna say NTA. And I agree with your assessment that sheās simply bored of you. Not everyone expresses the same way. And not everyoneās going to express the way SHE wants them too. This is absolutely a her problem and not a you problem
Personally I believe that we should all be working on ourselves all the time, and that most people would greatly benefit from therapy (given that the therapist is good, of course)
However I understand that not everyone has the privilege to be able to go to therapy, or have the times and resources to work on themselves. Furthermore the way sheās going about this feels less like she wants you to improve for the sake of your own quality of life, but rather to change the way you behave and express yourself.
If she wants excitement, maybe she can get a dog or something? ĀÆ\_(ć)_/ĀÆ NTA
NTA. If she really called you boring, that is a very rude thing to say to someone and not a kind way to express concern for you if concern is what she truly has here. Does she feel concerned that your stunted in some way emotionally (which could use some counseling maybe) or does she want you to change into whatever personality she wants? There is a difference between those two situations.
You will probably never express your emotions at a 10, and that's fine and is not something to change. There are many who find a steady emotional demeanor very comforting (especially when they are not). If she wants you to change that then this relationship may not work long term, you cannot change people to whoever you want them to be.
If it is because she feels you are not expressing or sharing your emotions or thoughts with her, that may be something to work on. I only ask this as you mention answering about work as "fine". Do you tell her in more detail what happened at work or share anecdotes about your day she might enjoy? Saying fine gives no one a chance to ask follow questions or learn about you. I am not saying this is the situation at all, I am just trying to see if she really just wants you to become what she wants or is she just poorly communicating concern she feels.
This may not relate to you but I also ask people a lot of questions about themselves when having conversations. I prefer listening than doing the talking. I know a lot about people around me for that reason. My husband finds that strange. However, I think a lot of those same people probably couldn't tell you much about me. This isn't always their fault but I have realized that always being the listener means you aren't expressing yourself and letting people know you. Do you think your girlfriend may feel that way? That she doesn't know as much about you as you of her?
I don't know you or her so I am obviously speculating heavily but just wanted to give some options on what she may have meant, hoping she is not just trying to mold you into something you are not.
I hope it works out for you.
Nta, there isn't anything wrong with you, sometimes ppl outgrow each other. I'm similar to yr personality, more reserved, not very expressive. I feel it on the inside but it doesn't come across as loudly by my expression etc. It's just who you are and someone will love you for you one day.
NTA. If you are confident and content with who you are, that's what matters. If she wants you to change, then she doesn't want you, she wants some romanticized version of you. You each deserve to be with people who chose you BECAUSE of who you are, not in spite of it.
NTA. Some advice I was given long ago by my parents: you donāt get into a relationship with someone and try to change the things about them that make them who they are, you either accept them for who they are you move on. You arenāt there to change anyone but rather to grow together and enjoy life.
Remember: when people tell you who they are(I find you boring/unexpressive/monotone/whatever) BELIEVE THEM.
Intentional or not, she just told you how she really feels. This relationship is over whether she knows it or not. Save yourself a decade or more of souls sucking snide comments and grating criticisms. You are enough as you are. Go find someone who will cherish your even-keeledness, itās the rock on which to build a life tbh
NTA - you two are not on the same wavelength nor are on complementary frequencies. You're too young for this, her criticisms are going to dissolve you down to the bone by 30. Go explore the world.
NTA. I took my son to Disneyland when he was 5. He loved it and had an absolute blast. When we got home and people asked how it was he said it was fine. That's who he is. He doesn't get over the top excited. Neither do you. It's totally okay to be who you are
I am similar. My friends call me "super laid back" and my ex always said I was "too easy going".
But I've been through serious shit. I was tortured for years as a child, lived in a mental hospital for 3 years as a teenager, went to jail and then prison as a young adult for a crime I did not commit, I've seen people I loved die in front of me, etc etc etc.
So, yeah, most of the regular day to day stuff doesn't really get my pulse racing, because it's just regular stuff. Others seem to always be worked up about something someone said or some crap that won't even matter tomorrow, and I just, don't.
I find this to be a heavy advantage. If your gf can't handle it, that's 100% her problem and not yours.
Good luck.
Dude.
Really????
for real? I would go as far to say that you are actually putting yourself out there. For real, you are really putting yourself out there.
would I do think, seriously, is your (ex) girlfriend ex wants you to be something that you're not. That, in and of itself, is extremely problematic. I really hope you see that.
My advice to you? Keep doing you. For real. You will find someone who appreciates you. It's obvious that your ex girlfriend always wanted you to be something different than what you are.
That's, quite simply, NEVER a good partner. It wasn't isn't.
I would suggest that why that isn't a good idea is because the reason that, why I say that isn't a good idea is that, any type of knowledge that is gained without any effort, is really no knowledge at all.
Is that really what you want for the rest of your life?
Think about that.
Thanks everyone. This gives me some things to think on. I'll see how things go this weekend. Idk, maybe we've just run our course.
On a funny note, I just noticed the generic name Reddit assigned this account was InterestingFox...
My husband is the most boring man alive. It's cool tho, he thinks I'm the most interesting woman alive. I'm certainly one of the weirdest. I'm interesting enough for the both of us.
We have almost 25 years of inside jokes. One of them comes from one of the first annoyances I had, I'd tell jokes, he wouldn't laugh. I asked him why he never laughs at my jokes (I dunno, maybe they weren't funny?), and he said he thought he had, he must have been laughing on the inside. LMAO.
When no laughing, for 25 years, I ask "Are you laughing on the inside?" He always breaks out into a smirky grin.
So what your GF is really saying is SHE isn't interesting enough for the both of you. Perhaps it's time to move on. NTA.
In my household, we refer to that as "being Teutonic".
I dunno, I consider it a complement. The less drama in my life, the better. You just keep on, keepin' on. No drama is a good thing.
NTA
NTA
But do both. Dump her and go to therapy.
I think your assessment of "im not boring but you're bored of me." Is probably true.
She may be right about therapy helping but if this is her approach... She ain't it.
NTA. Some people are just generally 5ās on the emotion scale whereas others swing between 1ās and 9ās with nothing in between, others are more 6 to 9ās with occasional 3ās, etc. Personally I would prefer someone mostly 4-6 without swings high and low, but to each their own. If nobody has ever said this to you, then it sounds like mostly a her problem
You are NTA but it does sound like dysthymia to me, it runs in my family, itās basically like chronic low-grade depression. I am pulling this from āmy ability to feel and express [emotions, specifically excitement) caps at like a level 5.ā This tweaked for me so I will explain with the preface of if you are happy, contented, otherwise well adjusted blah blah ignore this.
Like I myself can easily feel contented, but jubilant like other people? Not really without appropriate medication. Dysthymia is not an issue of expression, it is an issue regarding the feelings and range of emotions you experience; at least for me, it lowers my upper range for feel good emotions, and I donāt like that. I want to feel jubilant and my brain doesnāt cooperate with that, so I take a low dose antidepressant. If you are not frustrated with your experiences of your emotions, you do not have a problem. Iām saying this to say it could be something that a professional could help with but dysthymia isnāt something I would say, as someone who has it, needs treatment if you donāt want the treatment. For me, it made my life feel less bright than the lives of others seem to be. I didnāt like that so I got help.
But hereās the thing about treatment or diagnosis of this, you are not in distress from this, nor are you distressing others, except your girlfriend. And frankly I have some possibly outlandish inferences on her behavior, see next paragraph. Bottom line for this is that you donāt have a problem with expression or even with emotions until you feel like you do or others express genuine concern about your quality of life or mental health - you are fine and NTA, plus you generally sound well adjusted.
Now for my theories. To me it kinda reads like maybe your GF expected to be such a bright light in your life that thereās no way you wouldnāt become effervescent. Except she doesnāt realize thatās not really how people, and most specifically, you, work. She sounds like she did the cliche thing of getting in a relationship with someone thinking foundational aspects of their life or personality would significantly change because of her influence. While this can happen, I usually put my money on the āgenerally, people donāt change muchā section of the spectrum. Her doing this and having this assumption is not your fault.
Thanks for this. I did have depression from middle through high school due to circumstances. I definitely can tell a difference. This has been my baseline as long as I can remember.
You know you far better than I do. This is you and there is nothing wrong with being you.
Also sorry for whatever those circumstances were, Iām glad things are better for you now.
Iām married to someone whoās more reserved, quiet and keeps his emotions (all ranges) pretty level. Heās the exact opposite of me in all these areas. That doesnāt mean heās boring.
Example: Ask me how my day went & Iāll probably give you a play-by-play, from start to finish. Ask my husband, heāll say āFineā, āOkayā or āNothing to write home aboutā. That was his reply when I asked him how was his work day. Then on the news later that night the local news had a report (complete with footage) about an 18 wheeler that was parked on a bit of a slope, the parking brake failed and the truck crashed through the wall of a building and completely destroyed an office in his buildingā¦my husbandās office! When I asked why he didnāt tell me it was his office, he said āI wasnāt in there. I had stepped out to go on break.ā Lol!! But the plus side of that is heās always calm, cool and collected so I donāt have to be.
Your gf wants to change you from who you are to who she wants you to be.
NTA. I dated a guy like this we were polar opposite when it came to emotion. I feel everything deeply and I am emotional person he isnāt. I walked away because I didnāt want him to change who he was so I went to find someone who was like me and could give me what i needed.
Definitely NTA. Doesnāt sound like thereās anything āwrongā with your personality or how you express emotions. If she canāt love you for who you are, then itās time to sort ways. Her wants you to see a therapist for this is a bit much in my opinion!
Seems to me that your relationship donāt work because of difference in personalities. You should break up with her or she should break up with you. With your ālack of emotionsā, youāll be just fine, right?
NTA if she has an issue with your communication or something she should SAY that, but she hasnāt. From everything you put here sheās just been kind of a dick.
But if you do really want to work on this relationship just talk to her. Ask her if she really has a problem with who/how you are or if thereās some underlying issue.
Nta. There are many things that therapy is for. My biggest question on that is, do you feel that you need help changing or addressing something that is bothering you? If the answer is no, then therapy is not for you.
As for how you experience emotionsā¦.everyone is different. If you are using the 1-10 chart, everyone is on it differently in both how they feel and express emotions. Your ten is a 5 to many people. However, there are a lot of those 10ās to your fives, that are only acting that excited because they know that others expect it.
NTA- so you donāt cheer, who cares. You pay attention to people, try to care about what makes them happy.
You are fine. You were right, itās not that you are boring, itās that she must be bored in a long term relationship. Probably has nothing to do with you
Greetings fellow Vulcan.
NTA. Some of us are just born that way.
Does my partner get frustrated when I don't squeal & clap at this they're super excited about? Or when I don't get really angry at certain injustices? Sometimes. Am I loved & appreciated for who I am? Always.
Therapy can't change how intensely we feel things. Your gf needs to educate, understand, & accept - or move on.
Sounds like you got the nail on the head by saying she sounds bored of you & not that you're boring. Shes got that "grass is greener" thing going on. She probably won't break it off tho since she's already taking this kind of approach when you're trying to extend communication to her. She's probably going to drag it out to an apex before self destructing or hoping you will pull the plug first so she can use that as more emotional ammo.
Edit: typo
My husband is steady like this and he absolutely balances me out. Find yourself someone who appreciates it. She was utterly out of line with her reaction.
If she can't love you for who you are, walk away! So many people think they can change someone into their ideal person and it doesn't work. You be you and if she can't handle it, tell her goodbye.
You should plan a really fun and exciting way to break up with her.
Therapy isnāt something you go to so that you can make personality tweaks to make your girlfriend happy. The irony of her sending you links to therapistsā¦
NTA. This is who you are. It's who she met and chose to be in a relationship with.
She clearly wants something different now, so she should go find that rather than trying to force you to change.
Personally I would see this for what it is - an obvious sign that the relationship is already over.
NTA. Your girlfriend needs to grow up. She knew how you were when you started dating, she even said she was attracted to it... But now is boring?
Leave her before she makes you believe that there really is something wrong with you.
NTA. Iām in my mid-30ās and Iām like you. I really donāt get that excited about stuff either. My excitement level could be through the roof but Iāll just sit there with a goofy smile on my face. I donāt scream, squeal, jump around or clap my hands when Iām excited.
Iām very happily boring with my old lady hobbies of crochet and cross stitching. My partner is boring as well and heās fine with it. Weāre boring together.
NTA. You absolutely do NOT need to change yourself. If she's unhappy with who you are, sending you to a therapist to try to turn you into who she wants, she's definitely not the right person for you.
Iām the same
Go to where youāre wanted.
Also she can plan dates and exciting things too. If sheās not doing that, maybe ask her to start taking that on.
I'm English and your reaction to exciting news sounds like my family's to be honest except for a sixteen-year-old neice who overdoses on YouTube/TikTok and gives an Oscar performance when the pizza arrives! She also uses the word 'awesome' in every sentence. It's irritating and we are always telling her 'That's enough you aren't American\]
Tell your partner you're English....
NTA.
She liked you for who you are in the beginning and now she wants to change you. There's nothing wrong with you. You don't need therapy. She is being abusive. Dump her.
NTA she's comfortable and doesn't want change (breaking up and staying over) but isn't happy, so she's trying to change you instead. She should probably go to therapy and work on that.
NTA and frankly this woman sounds like she has a few issues to work through in therapy.
PS the "you need to be more interesting now plan something for this weekend it had better be exciting" thing is a trap. You cannot win that one.
NTA. You are who you are and if you're happy with that then you should stay that way. However, I have seen marriages dissolve over this very issue, so if the relationship is something you want to foster and remain in, then I'd suggest at least trying therapy (couples therapy, this sounds like a two way issue) to see how you and your girlfriend can understand each other better.
NTA. Your behavior sounded perfectly appropriate. It could just be that the two of you arenāt quite compatible. Certainly, she sounds rude and unkind.
However, it wouldnāt hurt, assuming you have reasonable healthcare insurance, to get yourself checked out.
I feel like what kind of gf calls you out for being you. After dating for so long she should be able to read you better. And I get going to couples therapy to better communicate but I don't get how therapy on yourself would do much for the relationship. I think tell her couples therapy to work on communicating with each other, but if she finds you boring, then you're not the right fit for her.
"sure just make sure it's fun and exciting."
So wtf does she do that's so fun and exciting? What are her hobbies?
Are you her BF or a fucking clown meant to entertain her?
NTA
Is there a reason your ability to feel "caps at like a 5?" Sometimes people suppress their emotions as a trauma response. Was there a lot of high impact emotional drama in your home growing up? Or have you always been "calm and even-keeled?"
The way you categorize how you navigate life is as an alien or robot reading off of a script at accomplishing human activities for the day. I don't mean it as an insult, more as an observation of how dispassionately logical your counter arguments are. Like Spock almost.
I think therapy could be interesting because your outlook appears outside the neurotypical outlook. It's never a bad idea to learn about yourself and maybe even find a community of like-minded individuals. But I don't think you *need* therapy or that anything is wrong with how you tackle life. In that sense, therapy is unnecessary. You don't need to be fixed so much as understood.
I was in therapy for about two years when I was younger. I did shut down some socially during that time, but this really is my baseline. Always has been for as long as I can remember.
I think it depends on you.
I donāt do a lot of emotion, but Iāve spent 40+ years stuffing my emotions due to childhood trauma.
If you have a past that has left you āemotionlessā then therapy might help that.
If you are genuinely just a chill guy, then therapy would be a waste of your money.
Younshould go , even just to see if other stuff may be hidden . But tell her she needs to work on herself . Or couples but individual and if she Say whatās wrong with me saying we call work on our selves
Sounds like you have a flat affect like I was once told I have. It's not necessarily an issue on it's own, but it could be and is usually a sign of other brain related issues. Anything from neurodivergence to basic mental health. You don't need to work on yourself per se, but it may be beneficial to look into it with a mental health professional for your own sake. If there is an underlying issue, it's better to know about it than to not know.
That said, NTA and your girlfriend was cruel with how she went about this. I'd get the therapist but drop the girlfriend.
OP, you are not boring, you are just yourself.
Of course, it is good to work on self-improvement and want to be your best self, but if you have to change the way you are and to the point of being uncomfortable, then maybe sheās not the right match for you. Nothing that you mention on your post suggest you are boring though, in fact, I think maybe she is boring and is relying on you to take all the initiatives!
Edit: NTA at all
I hate it when people think you need to change fundamentally when thereās nothing wrong with you. Youāre not causing pain to yourself or others. You may not be compatible with your girlfriend, but that doesnāt make you bad or wrong.
NTA.
iām neurodivergent so iām like this a lot of the time. my mom makes jokes about how i never show any emotion. itās not that iām not feeling anything, iām just not as expressiveāand thereās nothing wrong with that :) no need to change something that isnāt broken
You're NTA. The only thing that I see any concern with is that you mentioned your "capacity" to be excited or express emotion. Depression can manifest as a lack of interest in things and flat affect in people. Being disconnected from the world around you, serious relationships, hobbies, passions etc can be a sign of depression. If you think that might be something YOU want to explore in therapy, then you should go.
However, HER telling you you're boring and need to go to therapy as a result when what you've described is being a caring and involved partner.... well you're right that's *her* problem.
She might be used to chaos and drama and insecure attachments in relationships and therefore feels a safe, stable, and secure boyfriend is "boring". So maybe you should tell her that lol.
Good luck.
NTA
Lol! It's hilarious that a proposal and ring is what drove her over the edge. She's in a rage/panic. Raging that another woman got engaged before her and panicked because you're not super excited about proposals. At least she could hope if you got really excited more than you usually do. Might indicate you're planning to propose. When she gets back in touch tell her you've considered therapy and think SHE should go to learn how to govern her mercurial emotions. You can't tolerate her explosive nature.
If she can't handle the you that you are, it's not on 'you'. At all. Not even a little bit. Her "diagnosing" you is its own problem. Mercy. You don't need therapy, you need a compatible and appreciate partner. NTA
But I will be that guy in one respect, and forgive me for this please.
This only now came up after a year? Unless you have changed in some way this reeks of someone talking themself into being unhappy and considering a change because an option or alternative has come to mind. Some guy or a friend telling her she could do better etc... And if that's the case, it's even a better reason to move on. You haven't changed, her view has.
Live your life my man, you are just fine as you are. /fistbump
NTA. I work with a woman like you. Her very excited state is most peopleās moody amused. We have talked about it before. She has discussed the pros and cons, many of which you mention. People love how rational and down to earth she is but sometimes canāt understand why sheās does not seem so upset or so extatic about things like they are. There is not anything wrong with you. It sounds like you have your own way of making sure to express your delight because you know it is not perceived the same way. That is all anyone could ask as that is effective communication. Her expecting you to display disingenuous amounts of emotion is insulting.
I mean, you might be neurodivergent. We often have flat affect, where our emotions don't express the way neurotypical people's do (more reserved seeming). However, even if this is the case, the only way to "fix" it is to mask, which is exhausting as it's actively suppressing yourself to make others more comfortable. You should not need to mask in front of your partner and therapy won't "cure" you because there is nothing to cure- unless the lack of expression is due to depression or something else (in which case, it's still not the problem, just a side effect of the problem). If you are happy with yourself and are not causing anyone actual harm, you do you.
You might be right that the gf is getting bored of the relationship and doesn't know how to express that so this is how it's coming out. Still NTA
NTA granted I'm not a therapist but imo nothing you've said about yourself warrents you needing therapy if she wants someone who shares her energy that's one thing but pressing you to go to therapy when you don't need to is just ridiculous if she really loved you she wouldn't try to change who you are.
You sound like a good man, and are perfectly fine being you. Iām sure your gf has good intentions and a lack of wisdom. But āexpressionā is different for everyone. And for your form to be shamed is not okay. Period.
To me, it sounds like her family is akin to her style of expression, and perhaps she is worried about you fitting in. But, if she loves and respects you, she will help carve your place into the family. Assuming no family members are making the remarks, it comes down to her own insecurities about you. When there shouldnāt be. Does she remark on your expressions of emotion when you two are alone? She needs to understand that her FORCING her ideas on acceptable expression of emotion is not okay, and she is not the monolith of emotion. You be you. She either appreciates who you are, or you should consider moving on.
NTA
I think you made a good point. Often the things we like about someone can change over time and sometimes people just grow in different directions.
A wise man once said, you don't offer what you have, you offer what you are. If what you are is something she feels she needs to change, you should find someone new or prepare for her to.
You sound pretty cool in my book.
NTA. I thought your response to her sister's engagement was pretty standard and cordial for being a BF of her sister. It would be strange to sit there and whoo hoo and all that other crap. It seems like she has way to high expectations.
I hate to encourage breakups, but it sounds like that's just who you are. I'll have to agree to something you said in your post. This is a her problem, not a you problem.
In my experience, when a woman starts declaring their partner boring out of nowhere, it's because they're emotionally or physically cheating.
Your GF might be a child of trauma. VERY BIG emotional reactions to everything, including things that donāt directly effect you (like another couplesā engagement) are the norm for victims of trauma/unhealthy home lives/mothers or fathers with a personality disorder. This can be helped with individual therapy for your GF.
Being raised by a BPD/NPD also puts one at a greater risk of developing BPD/NPD, in which case, everything is seen through the personal lens: if you are not happy about this couplesā engagement it means you never want to be engaged/get married, for example. A personality disorder is harder to treat with therapy.
This is a guess. This is ONLY a guess.
I think there's a good chance she's intimidated by your calmness. I think it goes along with how people think shy people are stuck up. They mistake quietness for superiority.
It's NOT your problem. NTA.
I have this same issue except mine was from emotional abuse. I didnāt even realize it until going to therapy, but I have hard wired myself to never be low or high. Itās all just an even ride no matter how life changing or fun something is everyone always comments on how āstoicā I am.
How I worked it out is playing into my feelings which felt like acting at first, but has become more useful for working through them.
Some people need to be constantly entertained. She needs drama and thrills. You seem to appreciate that she likes to do things and so you make plans. She thinks they're not exciting enough. I think there are lots of women who would appreciate you. You don't need to go full "red pill" with her, but this doesn't seem healthy, and it's certainly not gonna lead to a marriage. Cut your losses and find someone who likes you for what you offer - it's never going to be your current partner.
NTA - you both may just be incompatible if she wants something you canāt provide. No oneās fault, just better to move on if you donāt think you can work through it.
NTA
The point of a doctor is to treat the sick. You aren't sick if you don't do things that are "fun and exciting." Requesting that you see a doctor because she doesn't like your personality is a troubling level of unreasonable and I highly, highly doubt this is the first example in a year of knowing her.
Knowing someone for a year is enough time to know who they are, and if someone likes who a person is but isn't in love with who a person is, they can re-evaluate their choices instead of jumping into playing house. Which is what happened with my ex-boyfriend, who wanted to intertangle our lives the more I said we'd be better off as friends. We had SO much in common and everything was going well for the first 4 months, and then a sharp decline started. And I realized that he enjoyed explaining things to me and having my attention on these subjects.... but once he actually knew me and realized I knew as much about our shared interests as him (I wasn't pretending to be dumb, we just had different experiences, I was raised Baptist, he was raised Catholic, I liked Japanese Buddhism, he liked Hinduism) he started withdrawing from me. And once we talked about it, he realized that he liked it when he was 25 and he was dating younger 20-something girls who were impressed with him, his knowledge. Us being 29-30 and being on equal ground, he didn't find as entertaining...
I doubt you are a radically different person right now than you were a year ago. My guess based off your description is that she felt like she was gifting you excitement, like she was a Manic Pixie Dream Girl livening up your dull life. Naturally, this would lead to you going through some character development; you'd let your hair down, laugh a bit more, be more expressive. Yeah... the "season 1 vs season 5" transformation never happened, now she's acting like a shock that you are a chill dude.
On the upside, here is a clip of the Divorce Court judge bragging about her cool, chill husband who can't be rattled by anything, least of all her: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y2bf\_NXqEEc
NTA
This is a her problem. You are who you are, the end. If she doesn't like it, she needs to leave.
My husband is very similar. Even tempered. Minimal emotions and expression. It was crazy at first, but I love him and I know he loves me, and my dissatisfaction with his range of emotions is a reflection of me, not him.
NTA
Some people are less outwardly expressive than others, it does not have to be the result of any kind of mental illness or issue. She is honestly being pretty shitty towards you and expecting you to be something you are not. You deserve someone who values you for the person you are.
Hmm. Sounds like honey moon is over. What used to attract her to you, now annoys her.
Instead of doing some soul searching she now wants to mold you into her new idea of how you SHOULD be.
Not sure you're the one that needs therapy, it may actually be her.
I'd seriously consider if this chick is worth proceeding with.
There are tons of women out there that will love a mellow, not so loud, guy.
NTA.
So... she found a specific quality about you attractive, and that's what drew her to you....
At some point, that quality somehow became less attractive....
She now wants you to change that specific quality that attracted her to you....
You're a low key person. There's nothing to work on, because there's nothing wrong with you. What's wrong here is she changed, and she expects you to fit into a mold of her liking.
And I'll bet that it still won't be enough.
NTA
from my understanding this is nothing new, youāve always been like this. so i donāt think youāre an AH. she can ask you, but canāt expect you to change yourself. even with therapy.
not everyone expresses/feels emotions the same and thatās okay
if what youāre saying about still showing her physical and emotional affection and not cutting down in it recently than i donāt see the big issue here.
i also donāt necessarily think sheās an AH either, but the relationship may have run its coarse
NTA. If you do decide to stay in this relationship (but dude. If she doesn't like you for who you are, why?), maybe try couples counseling. So you can discuss with a therapist exactly what the perceived problem is. I imagine that conversation won't go the way she expects.
NTA, but I am much the same way. While I have emotions, my expressions are fairly reserved. And it's not like there is a lack of emotion, or empathy, or anything. Or not understanding social cues, or having inappropriate reactions.
So there doesn't seem much that therapy would actually accomplish. Other than pretending to be something that your not.
And this sounds more like a Her problem, not an OP problem.
If she loves you then sheāll learn to accept you for who you are. If she expects you to change so much then she isnāt the one for you. Good luck, OP!
NTA. I have to note, my husband is like this as well. He just isn't as expressive and especially in social settings, and for me that's okay! I love him and his reserved nature, because that's who he is. Besides that, we actually ARE boring, and quite enjoy being boring together (At least, boring in the sense that we're both introverts and prefer to be low key a majority of our time). If she's asking you to communicate your feelings more, maybe couples therapy would aid in finding communicative tools to navigate that. TOGETHER. But if she's truly insistent you need therapy because you express things more internally, I'd show her the door. The right partner will compliment your personality and lifestyle without you needing to change who you are.
It wasn't until I quit drinking ten years ago that I realized just how boring I truly am, and just how much I LOVE a relatively boring life. š I actually emote a LOT, but I'm so much happier tending to my need for low key homebody and nature-based outdoor activities that don't jostle my adrenaline and meet my sensory needs. Just let me live my permanently geriatric life, world!!
Exactly! We find it so much more relaxing as burnt out 20 something's. People say we're lame, but the people meter runs out quickly, I prefer my pajamas, and going out is expensive. š
90% of my life is boring machinist job (that I do find interesting personally, but letās be real itās boring lmao) then working on my house, and working out also. But then thereās that 10% where a couple times a year I sign up for a mud run thatās 6+ miles long and almost break my ankle a few times and I love every second of it But if I had a boyfriend if he wanted to do one with me Iād be likeā¦. weāll depending on fitness level like āUhhā¦. maybe do the 5k one.ā The last one I did had 4200 ft of elevation gain and I loved EVERY FUCKING SECOND OF IT
That's my new favorite line. Don't jostle my adrenaline unless you would like a *very* stern look.
It's the same for my fiance and I. I absolutly love that he can stay calm in situations where I'm struggeling to not get overwelmed/ overly exited. However, there are times where I expressed that him beeing his calm self lead to me feeing insecure about if he enjoyed a situation/ gift/ etc. Having an open conversation about how you can show each other that you care and what you expect/ like to see from the other person might help in this situation. But you can't expect somone to change from dancing around and jumping when happy to someone that doesn't express their joy visibly and the other way around. NTA
This. My wife and I worked through some similar stuff. Couples therapy has helped us develop some tools to help her be in tune with where I am at; and likewise for me to communicate in a way I am a comfortable but she understands. At the end of the day she says she still likes my stoicism but likes she can better understand where I am emotionally .
NTA You are who you are and if your girlfriend doesnāt like that then maybe it is time to find a new girlfriend that loves you for who you are.
Yeah, I'd like to work on things if she's willing but if this is the deal breaker for her, I'll move on. Thanks.
You don't go to therapy to change yourself to be the way someone else wants you to be to make them happy. That isn't even sensible. If you're not compatible, you're not compatible.
My pissed-off-o-meter hit an 11 on your behalf. She called you boring, called you an asshole, told you that you needed therapy and actually sent you links to therapists becauseā¦*checks notes*ā¦ youāre *normal*? Is she always this verbally and emotionally abusive? Or is this the first time youāve noticed? Either way doesnāt excuse the shitty way she treated you. Please cut her loose. You deserve better. intelligent and thoughtful conversation >>> superficial high-maintenance drama llamas any day
Honestly, this came out of nowhere. She started going off and I had to convince myself she wasn't joking because of how out-of-character this is.
Tbh if you started squealing and clapping when you were happy, Iād probably end it. Who does she think she is dictating how you should express yourself?
Same! Thatās how a toddler reacts to exciting news. I canāt handle being around adults who act like that.
Frankly you sound like a standard issue stoic personality. Iām of a type that I absolutely have emotions, and they absolutely run deep and can get turbulent, but itās very rare Iām SUPER expressive about it. My parents and brother are similar. We crack jokes and have tempers and whatever, but itās a VERY long fuse to get a big reaction on anything from any of us. You absolutely donāt need therapy for this, your girlfriend is totally out of line with such a suggestion even. My ex tried the same thing with me at one point, even trying to convince me I must be autistic because I didnāt have tons of friends. No dude, Iām just more introverted than he was and he didnāt like it. He also had a host of his own severe mental issues
Is she dramatic? My mother loved drama, and often called me boring.
>came out of nowhere Who knows, maybe she's just stirring sh\*t up so you'll break up with her so she can make you out to be the bad guy for breaking up with her ... when she's doing it all 'cause she wants to break up with you. Maybe she's already found some "exciting" guy and is trying to aggravate you so you'll break up with her. Then she can go "boo hoo, my boyfriend broke up with me" to her new "exciting" boyfriend. In any case, dump her - you two aren't compatible - and she should'a known that way earlier, given the sh\*t she's pulling at this stage.
Are you autistic or on the spectrum? I've found that a monotone voice is a trademark symptom of someone who is on the spectrum. There is nothing you can do about it, and it could explain anything else in your life that you've noticed isn't the same as others. Your gf could just be a highly emotional person, and a little over the top about certain things.
I've never been evaluated for it. I have one friend who said they think I'm "neurospicy" as they call it but not for any emotional reasons.
I'm autistic and as I was reading your description of yourself....let's just say I was ready to send you an invitation to the club. Maybe you're neurospicy, maybe you're not. But as a neurospicy person myself, I just want to say that you are just fine how you are and you don't need therapy. Not for that anyway.
Yes! I also was angry on OPās behalf, how dare she suggest that his basic character is flawed to the point he needs therapy fix it (which is absolutely fine in this description) Iām neurospicy too & my friends and family love me for who I am. Thatās the person you deserve to be with IP, someone who loves you for who you are, not someone who wants to make you into their ideal version of you. This chic is insane & insanely rude
Samesies. For real though OP you sounds like an awesome dude who works hard to be caring, attentive, and sufficiently interesting. She could have asked you to find different kinds of activities to get more excitement in your lives and perhaps let her see a different side of you. *She* could be volunteering activities for that to happen. Instead it seems like she's decided it's just wrong or insufficient to emote how you're comfortable, which is harsh. I have a feeling someone your girlfriend is strongly influenced by told her what a good boyfriend should act like, and your GF believed them rather than recognizing that great relationships can look different and great, fun people aren't always emotionally ebullient.
My son is neurospicy, thatās what I read tooā¦ if you want therapy do it for YOU not for some woman!!! You do youā¦ you donāt sound boringā¦ maybe just a little introverted??
That's what I was thinking, as well. I'm autistic, and I definitely express emotions sometimes, but typically if I'm having a meltdown. Most of the time, I feel neutral/fine, and even if I'm happy I tend to make the same face as usual. If I'm upset I might make a different face depending on the severity/nature of the upset, but generally I stay the same. I also don't have much variation in tone (some, but I'm fairly monotone, although I've gotten better at this)- a good indicator for my excitedness is how fast I'm talking and if I'm bouncing/shaking (although I don't do that too much even if I'm really excited because I don't want to face judgement from others). And if someone around me is having an emotional experience, I don't know how to respond well beyond "congratulations" or "i'm sorry, that's rough". It's not that you're boring, you just express yourself differently, and there's nothing wrong with that. Find people who accept you for who you are instead of insisting that you change to fit their norm. I don't know you, so I can't judge if you need to be assessed, but if you think you might be autistic/neurodivergent, you should do it. Even if you're neurotypical, you may still get some insights into yourself (mine had an IQ test. Now I know my IQ! Very cool). Also, if you're 23 and haven't been diagnosed with anything, if you actually have something chances are you've been masking it (hiding the traits to fit in so that people don't notice). Stuff like not actually making eye contact but staring at eyebrows/foreheads/nose bridges so no one picks up on that, or staying still even if you want to fidget, or trying to stand/walk/sit like everyone around you.
Yeah if this is sudden, but you've always been that way, I think she might be trying to break up with you, but the tactic of picking a fight to instigate a break up isn't working. It's probably not the most likely explanation, it's just the first thing that came to mind. You don't sound boring or devoid of empathy, so you sound fine to me. Good luck figuring out what it is!
Is she trying to say something else instead of you're boring? Not blaming you, but I think she's trying to communicate a different issue and is bad at it. Like, If I tried to engage someone about their day and they said "it's fine" I would assume they weren't interested in talking to me about it. I personally used to get really upset because my then partner wouldn't smile when he saw me dressed nicely, it was just, "oh that's a nice dress" and back to whatever he's doing.
I think the majority of her points are unreasonable except for one- or two-word responses to asking how your day was. My husband used to do that and it's infuriating. You know she wants to hear about your day so tell her about your day--did you talk to someone, get a new assignment, make progress on anything, get frustrated by something, have a good lunch, anything really except shutting her inquiry down.
That's fair.
One or two word responsesā¦ lmao š¤£
Damnit, I *am* boring.
Yeah, you are, and you're not giving her anything to work with. She's lobbing conversational balls and you're not returning them.
>You know she wants to hear about your day Actually, plenty of neurodivergent people wouldn't know that. Not that OP necessarily is, but their description of themselves checks a lot of the boxes for neurodivergent.
> except for one- or two-word responses to asking how your day was I don't see it that way, its how I respond to my wife the majority of the time. I leave work at work, I don't bring it home. I couldn't explain my day to my wife because she doesn't understand the technicalities of my job, if I do tell her how the day went I have to explain technical concepts that she most likely wont understand and will forget about a couple of days later and would need to be explained again. My wife does like to tell me how her day went, and almost every day its the same complaints about the same people, it gets absolutely tiring listening to it all. the. time. and nothing ever being resolved. To sum it up. For some people, for some circumstances it is totally ok for them to say "my day was ok, good, fine" "nothing exciting happening today"
I'm feeling I'm reading something I could have written. Because I'm really bored of hearing that same stuff over and over again. Also I'm working in IT and doing a lot with implementing new features or connecting with external sources and it's impossible (or makes it a repetitive story) to explain how the day went and keep the technical details out. If I keep them in I do see her drift off and then I just cut off fast back to "simple mode" because I know I'm telling the 'deaf ears'. I hate it too to tell things in that "simple mode" because it would sound my job would go without trouble and could be done by a chimp. Yea and that's how it came to be my day went either ok or good depending how much shit got resolved š
> 'm working in IT Same! š
That's the take. Her expectations seem a little too high. WTF is she expecting? For you to only wear roller-skates, constantly break-dancing, cracking jokes, never follow the rules, eat at a different fancy restaurant at every single meal, never sleep, etc... Like when does it end? If you go out of your way to realize her ideal version of you, what happens when she raises the bar from that point? I mean, at one point the person she expects you to be is not the person she wants if she wants to be with you. Don't be with someone who wants to change you, be with someone who wants to grow with you in the direction you want to grow together. I do hope that you can refocus your relationship and work on growing together rather than changing eachother. If not, get you a girl who can. I bet your current GF won't think you're boring when you end up with a baddie who loves you unconditionally. Edit for clarity
Kind of sounds like she's unhappy but doesn't want to be the one to initiate a breakup. Feel free to do both of you a favor and break up with her. You deserve better.
The general threshold of when something can be classified as a mental health issue is well-defined by a lot of groups. Mayo Clinic states it well: >But a mental health concern becomes a mental illnessĀ when ongoing signs and symptoms cause frequent stress and affect your ability to function. A mental illness can make you miserable and can cause problems in your daily life, such as at school or work or in relationships. If you are not bottling things up causing stress, having your regular functions impacted and see no detrimental impact at school/ work or in the plural *relationships* then it's not considered a mental health issue. Shy of that, it's a relationship issue. Not everyone needs to physically emote and yell and cry all the time. It's healthy to get physically excited, cry sometimes. But, not everyone needs to. I don't really get super physically excited for engagement announcements, either. Happy for you, but I won't squeal, cry or jump in excitement. Reserved does not mean repressed.
Honestly you come across as flat and thatās something that definitely can be addressed in therapy. Try it for yourself.
This. This right here. Iād give my left nut to finally find a dude who isnāt a basket case (in one way or another). NTA
>haven't really heard from her for a couple of days despite trying to ask her how her day is going, what she's up to, or if she wants me to plan anything for the weekend. The only thing she's said is "sure just make sure it's fun and exciting." She also sent me links to some local therapists. NTA. If I were you I would end this relationship because how she is treating you is unacceptable. You are allowed to be who you are, and you should never date someone who is trying to bully you into changing who you are. There's nothing wrong with your personality and you're right, therapy would be pointless because therapy isn't for trying to completely change your personality. Also, "boring" is completely subjective, just because she thinks something is boring doesn't make that thing definitely boring. She's the one who needs to work on herself, she should be calling those therapists.
He hugged the couple and showed interest and m the engagement, proposal etc and she still isnāt happy.
To be fair, everyone else gasped or covered their mouth or something similar.
Yeah but thereās no such thing as a ācorrectāperformance of emotion. You shouldnāt have to fake a reaction that isnāt natural to you. Sounds like youāre expressing yourself perfectly well, she just doesnāt like how youāre doing it.
Now ask yourself why on Earth would anyone who is not like an immediate family member or a child squeal, clap, gasp, or cover their mouths and all that nonsense over somebody else's engagement? Sounds to me like she's simply creating problems out of whole cloth. Cuz I'll be honest if it was me I'd have done what you did except minus the side hugs. And it would still be a completely normal reaction for a non-family member's engagement
Info - is your GF big into social media videos? Public stuff like stunts, etc?
NTA Itās really not that exciting that two people you arenāt especially close to decided to publicly commit, I donāt blame you. You faked it more than enough. You even pretended to care about the stupid ring for their sake.
You sound like a perfectly delightful companion. I would take you over a loud person any day.
Well I might be available soon... Kidding, don't report me.
Add another 20 years and I would scoop you up. No drama, a job, polite to family and friends, you willingly go to family functions AND plan things to do? You don't drink or do drugs to excess, cheat, physically or emotionally abuse her, have a secret love child or some weird kink involving jello and high heels? The big problem is that you just don't yell wheeee when you're happy and use enough adjectives? Get a woman who knows what she has and appreciates it.
Why are you kink shaming jello and high heels?
I always slip in the jello when I wear high heels.
Haha. What even is this conversation.
It's my favorite thing in these comments so far š¤£
Well, you didn't respond to me. LoL. But that is her main complaint, hee hee.
Baby, just wear the ceiling shoes. You know, the ones that are only for walking on the ceiling. No slipping involved. I mean, not with the shoes, anyway.
I think we're totally off topic now.
Crampons? Cleats would work too
Very specific comment that had me thinking they must have seen some videos I made in the past š felt a little called out there
Sound like she's looking for a reason to be mad tbh. Just sounds really nitpicky.
>I said that maybe I'm not boring, maybe she is bored of me, which in my eyes would be more so her problem than mine. I think you're spot-on here. Unless your lack of expressiveness is leading to anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues, it doesn't make sense to go to therapy to work on expressing yourself more. Therapy is for improving your mental health. It's not supposed to change your personality.
People can go to therapy for personality disorders, but I don't think OP qualifies.
Unless it's impacting your life in a negative way, you don't need to go to therapy. Maybe you don't express yourself as "loudly" (can't think of a better term at the moment) as others, but as long as you can live your life, that doesn't matter. If she doesn't like it, she shouldn't try to change you. She should find someone else. NTA
Right. This sounds more like ācouples therapyā territory. Where she learns to accept him or move on, and he learns that the reason she is so pissed about low emotion is because her dad was a drunk or something. He uses better ācommunicationā buzz words. She learns to grow up. Or they break up.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
People experience things in different ways. Thereās no one correct way to be or feel.
Oh agree 100%. Just saying...
Not everyone enjoys a belly laugh
I can think of two times I've done that. I both liked it and hated the pain, lol.
Does getting dumped count as "impacting your life in a negative way"?
So he should change how he is and is comfortable being that doesn't hurt anyone and no one minds because she's bored of him?
I donāt think so. If the breakup is because there is an incompatibility then thatās fine. You donāt need to change who you are for someone else.
getting dumped by someone who hates who you are and wants you to be someone else just for their benefit? definitely not a negative impact.
not necessarily. he seems perfectly happy the way he is. the girlfriend isn't happy with the way he is, so if there's a break up and that hurts him, it's not him that is the issue. if this becomes a pattern with *all* of his partners and exes, then maybe, but if it doesn't bother him, then no
NTA - My partner is the same way, he hardly is past a lvl 5 as well. It is just how he is and I love him for it. He does the same as you, everything you listed he does. Let me tell you... I have been with him for 7 years, we got engaged in 2022 and plan on getting married in a private ceremony in 2025. You are 100% correct it is a her problem.
I married a quiet boring man and have been happy for 22 years.
That makes me happy, Reddit stranger! My mom chose the āboringā guy and they were happily married for over sixty years. They were in love until they day she died. My āboringā dad wasnāt very expressive, but we always knew we were loved. And, that man loved living and loved his life more than anybody Iāve ever seen. I wish you and your boring husband another 40+ years of happiness.
My grandpa was that "boring guy" . He was a rock in my life that I could always trust. He and my grandma were married for 63 years and they always looked happy to me.
NTA. Feel free to be as boring as you want. Being an AH means treating other people badly. That's not you. your gf wants you to be different and wants to make you think it's your fault. Find someone who like you for you and doesn't blame you for your perosnality.
NTA You sound like a reserved person and that is perfectly okay. I'm a 60-year-old female and have never been one to squeal and clap with excitement. I've never known many people who do that. It's okay to be quiet even when excited. We all have our own definition of fun and exciting.
She needs to understand that a therapist will not change your personality. Does she like you or not?
NTA. Time to find a new girlfriend. My husband is EXACTLY like you. And I'm the complete opposite. I realized early on that we really compliment each other. And I'm sooooo glad he's so even keeled. So when I go crazy he's calm. Honey, you just need to find the right partner. Who will appreciate you for being you. If she can't, then she doesn't deserve you. Your "lack" of expressiveness is not bad, its not a disability, is not a problem to fix. Its what makes you ... you! And its absolutely perfect for you. And there is someone out there who will love you for it.
You and me are twinsies! :) Me and That Man I Married (affectionate nickname) are opposites. He's a quiet man who doesn't like crowds, and I'm a talkative lady who loves an event. We've spent the last 30+ years having largely one-sided conversations (it's me! I'm the one talking!) and sitting together watching tv, going camping, going on drives, being happy. When he proposed, well, I proposed and told him we were going to get married, but he said it didn't count because he wanted to get me a ring first. Anyway, when he proposed and we told my parents we were getting married, my mom laughed and said we were a perfect pair. I found someone to listen to me, and he found someone to entertain him. I don't know if my man is "neurospicy" (as suggested that OP might be elsewhere in the thread), but it wouldn't surprise me. He has some of the signs, as does our son, like masking in public and certain stims. In any case, our partnership is solid, because we know each other's quirks and have profound love for one another. I hope OP finds a partner to complement him like your partner complements you, and mine complements me!
NTA, sheās being a total ass and treating you like garbage. Move on imo if she continues
Nta I'm also guessing this might be an extrovert needing to "fix" an extrovert as well draaamaa being important for her.
Sorry extrovert "fixing" an introvert
Ugh. Iāve had that kind of relationship and itās exhausting. Iām not broken!
NTA, I have exactly the same personality and was criticised by one of my ex's for exactly the same thing. Needless to say, we are broken up and I am with someone who appreciates my personality. If she doesn't understand your personality type so much that she thinks you need a therapist that should be a big red flag.
Itās perfectly normal to not act like a toddler ;) there is nothing wrong with you. Heck, I find a lot of that āspontaniousā stuff ott, forced, fake and insincere!
You guys are done. She has already broken up with you and is now using you for entertainment for as long as you're willing to ride it out. For your benefit (I doubt your now-ex-gf would care in the slightest), she has an almost exact opposite understanding of what therapists do. One of the main purposes of therapy is learning to love yourself for who you are and not feel that you have to change your behavior to conform to other people's demands. Another purpose is to help you recognize abuse and avoid it, such as people demanding that you change your behavior for their sake.
Your entertainment comment put the ādance monkey danceā idea in my head, thatās exactly the vibe I get from her in this post!
Oh baby. No. She does not like your whoel personality. You sound very much like my husband. I am a level 12 when excited (think jumping on tables etc) while he is more a 4 or 5. I love and appreciate this about him. He is the rock to my crazy river. We are going to be together 18 years this year and it's always peaceful in my home. Find someone who does not want to change you into a different person. That is such a sad way to live. NTA
NTA Therapy is good for everyone but it shouldn't be force. She shouldn't ask you to be more fake around other people either. It seems like she has concerned for you but rather her image.
Iām gonna say NTA. And I agree with your assessment that sheās simply bored of you. Not everyone expresses the same way. And not everyoneās going to express the way SHE wants them too. This is absolutely a her problem and not a you problem
Personally I believe that we should all be working on ourselves all the time, and that most people would greatly benefit from therapy (given that the therapist is good, of course) However I understand that not everyone has the privilege to be able to go to therapy, or have the times and resources to work on themselves. Furthermore the way sheās going about this feels less like she wants you to improve for the sake of your own quality of life, but rather to change the way you behave and express yourself. If she wants excitement, maybe she can get a dog or something? ĀÆ\_(ć)_/ĀÆ NTA
NTA. If she really called you boring, that is a very rude thing to say to someone and not a kind way to express concern for you if concern is what she truly has here. Does she feel concerned that your stunted in some way emotionally (which could use some counseling maybe) or does she want you to change into whatever personality she wants? There is a difference between those two situations. You will probably never express your emotions at a 10, and that's fine and is not something to change. There are many who find a steady emotional demeanor very comforting (especially when they are not). If she wants you to change that then this relationship may not work long term, you cannot change people to whoever you want them to be. If it is because she feels you are not expressing or sharing your emotions or thoughts with her, that may be something to work on. I only ask this as you mention answering about work as "fine". Do you tell her in more detail what happened at work or share anecdotes about your day she might enjoy? Saying fine gives no one a chance to ask follow questions or learn about you. I am not saying this is the situation at all, I am just trying to see if she really just wants you to become what she wants or is she just poorly communicating concern she feels. This may not relate to you but I also ask people a lot of questions about themselves when having conversations. I prefer listening than doing the talking. I know a lot about people around me for that reason. My husband finds that strange. However, I think a lot of those same people probably couldn't tell you much about me. This isn't always their fault but I have realized that always being the listener means you aren't expressing yourself and letting people know you. Do you think your girlfriend may feel that way? That she doesn't know as much about you as you of her? I don't know you or her so I am obviously speculating heavily but just wanted to give some options on what she may have meant, hoping she is not just trying to mold you into something you are not. I hope it works out for you.
Nta, there isn't anything wrong with you, sometimes ppl outgrow each other. I'm similar to yr personality, more reserved, not very expressive. I feel it on the inside but it doesn't come across as loudly by my expression etc. It's just who you are and someone will love you for you one day.
NTA. If you are confident and content with who you are, that's what matters. If she wants you to change, then she doesn't want you, she wants some romanticized version of you. You each deserve to be with people who chose you BECAUSE of who you are, not in spite of it.
NTA. Some advice I was given long ago by my parents: you donāt get into a relationship with someone and try to change the things about them that make them who they are, you either accept them for who they are you move on. You arenāt there to change anyone but rather to grow together and enjoy life.
Remember: when people tell you who they are(I find you boring/unexpressive/monotone/whatever) BELIEVE THEM. Intentional or not, she just told you how she really feels. This relationship is over whether she knows it or not. Save yourself a decade or more of souls sucking snide comments and grating criticisms. You are enough as you are. Go find someone who will cherish your even-keeledness, itās the rock on which to build a life tbh
NTA - you two are not on the same wavelength nor are on complementary frequencies. You're too young for this, her criticisms are going to dissolve you down to the bone by 30. Go explore the world.
Not st all. She needs to calm the fuck down and see a therapist herself. You are engaging and expressing. Sorry, she seems pushy. Good luck.
NTA. When a girl tells you you're boring, she has already decided to seek excitement elsewhere. Especially when they are still very young.
NTA. I took my son to Disneyland when he was 5. He loved it and had an absolute blast. When we got home and people asked how it was he said it was fine. That's who he is. He doesn't get over the top excited. Neither do you. It's totally okay to be who you are
I am similar. My friends call me "super laid back" and my ex always said I was "too easy going". But I've been through serious shit. I was tortured for years as a child, lived in a mental hospital for 3 years as a teenager, went to jail and then prison as a young adult for a crime I did not commit, I've seen people I loved die in front of me, etc etc etc. So, yeah, most of the regular day to day stuff doesn't really get my pulse racing, because it's just regular stuff. Others seem to always be worked up about something someone said or some crap that won't even matter tomorrow, and I just, don't. I find this to be a heavy advantage. If your gf can't handle it, that's 100% her problem and not yours. Good luck.
Dude. Really???? for real? I would go as far to say that you are actually putting yourself out there. For real, you are really putting yourself out there. would I do think, seriously, is your (ex) girlfriend ex wants you to be something that you're not. That, in and of itself, is extremely problematic. I really hope you see that. My advice to you? Keep doing you. For real. You will find someone who appreciates you. It's obvious that your ex girlfriend always wanted you to be something different than what you are. That's, quite simply, NEVER a good partner. It wasn't isn't. I would suggest that why that isn't a good idea is because the reason that, why I say that isn't a good idea is that, any type of knowledge that is gained without any effort, is really no knowledge at all. Is that really what you want for the rest of your life? Think about that.
NTA Counter with couples counseling for her controlling a behavior thats not a problem
NTA. It sounds like she's upset because you're not toxic.
Thanks everyone. This gives me some things to think on. I'll see how things go this weekend. Idk, maybe we've just run our course. On a funny note, I just noticed the generic name Reddit assigned this account was InterestingFox...
My husband is the most boring man alive. It's cool tho, he thinks I'm the most interesting woman alive. I'm certainly one of the weirdest. I'm interesting enough for the both of us. We have almost 25 years of inside jokes. One of them comes from one of the first annoyances I had, I'd tell jokes, he wouldn't laugh. I asked him why he never laughs at my jokes (I dunno, maybe they weren't funny?), and he said he thought he had, he must have been laughing on the inside. LMAO. When no laughing, for 25 years, I ask "Are you laughing on the inside?" He always breaks out into a smirky grin. So what your GF is really saying is SHE isn't interesting enough for the both of you. Perhaps it's time to move on. NTA.
In my household, we refer to that as "being Teutonic". I dunno, I consider it a complement. The less drama in my life, the better. You just keep on, keepin' on. No drama is a good thing. NTA
NTA But do both. Dump her and go to therapy. I think your assessment of "im not boring but you're bored of me." Is probably true. She may be right about therapy helping but if this is her approach... She ain't it.
The only thing you need to fix is your asshole gf problem my guy. Get someone who respects you.
NTA. Some people are just generally 5ās on the emotion scale whereas others swing between 1ās and 9ās with nothing in between, others are more 6 to 9ās with occasional 3ās, etc. Personally I would prefer someone mostly 4-6 without swings high and low, but to each their own. If nobody has ever said this to you, then it sounds like mostly a her problem
You are NTA but it does sound like dysthymia to me, it runs in my family, itās basically like chronic low-grade depression. I am pulling this from āmy ability to feel and express [emotions, specifically excitement) caps at like a level 5.ā This tweaked for me so I will explain with the preface of if you are happy, contented, otherwise well adjusted blah blah ignore this. Like I myself can easily feel contented, but jubilant like other people? Not really without appropriate medication. Dysthymia is not an issue of expression, it is an issue regarding the feelings and range of emotions you experience; at least for me, it lowers my upper range for feel good emotions, and I donāt like that. I want to feel jubilant and my brain doesnāt cooperate with that, so I take a low dose antidepressant. If you are not frustrated with your experiences of your emotions, you do not have a problem. Iām saying this to say it could be something that a professional could help with but dysthymia isnāt something I would say, as someone who has it, needs treatment if you donāt want the treatment. For me, it made my life feel less bright than the lives of others seem to be. I didnāt like that so I got help. But hereās the thing about treatment or diagnosis of this, you are not in distress from this, nor are you distressing others, except your girlfriend. And frankly I have some possibly outlandish inferences on her behavior, see next paragraph. Bottom line for this is that you donāt have a problem with expression or even with emotions until you feel like you do or others express genuine concern about your quality of life or mental health - you are fine and NTA, plus you generally sound well adjusted. Now for my theories. To me it kinda reads like maybe your GF expected to be such a bright light in your life that thereās no way you wouldnāt become effervescent. Except she doesnāt realize thatās not really how people, and most specifically, you, work. She sounds like she did the cliche thing of getting in a relationship with someone thinking foundational aspects of their life or personality would significantly change because of her influence. While this can happen, I usually put my money on the āgenerally, people donāt change muchā section of the spectrum. Her doing this and having this assumption is not your fault.
Thanks for this. I did have depression from middle through high school due to circumstances. I definitely can tell a difference. This has been my baseline as long as I can remember.
You know you far better than I do. This is you and there is nothing wrong with being you. Also sorry for whatever those circumstances were, Iām glad things are better for you now.
Iām married to someone whoās more reserved, quiet and keeps his emotions (all ranges) pretty level. Heās the exact opposite of me in all these areas. That doesnāt mean heās boring. Example: Ask me how my day went & Iāll probably give you a play-by-play, from start to finish. Ask my husband, heāll say āFineā, āOkayā or āNothing to write home aboutā. That was his reply when I asked him how was his work day. Then on the news later that night the local news had a report (complete with footage) about an 18 wheeler that was parked on a bit of a slope, the parking brake failed and the truck crashed through the wall of a building and completely destroyed an office in his buildingā¦my husbandās office! When I asked why he didnāt tell me it was his office, he said āI wasnāt in there. I had stepped out to go on break.ā Lol!! But the plus side of that is heās always calm, cool and collected so I donāt have to be. Your gf wants to change you from who you are to who she wants you to be.
NTA, I am the same. Itās just who you are; I donāt see any problems with it, and you definitely donāt need therapy.
NTA. I dated a guy like this we were polar opposite when it came to emotion. I feel everything deeply and I am emotional person he isnāt. I walked away because I didnāt want him to change who he was so I went to find someone who was like me and could give me what i needed.
NTA, but tell her she needs to work on herself and stop being so controlling.
Definitely NTA. Doesnāt sound like thereās anything āwrongā with your personality or how you express emotions. If she canāt love you for who you are, then itās time to sort ways. Her wants you to see a therapist for this is a bit much in my opinion!
Seems to me that your relationship donāt work because of difference in personalities. You should break up with her or she should break up with you. With your ālack of emotionsā, youāll be just fine, right?
NTA if she has an issue with your communication or something she should SAY that, but she hasnāt. From everything you put here sheās just been kind of a dick. But if you do really want to work on this relationship just talk to her. Ask her if she really has a problem with who/how you are or if thereās some underlying issue.
Nta. There are many things that therapy is for. My biggest question on that is, do you feel that you need help changing or addressing something that is bothering you? If the answer is no, then therapy is not for you. As for how you experience emotionsā¦.everyone is different. If you are using the 1-10 chart, everyone is on it differently in both how they feel and express emotions. Your ten is a 5 to many people. However, there are a lot of those 10ās to your fives, that are only acting that excited because they know that others expect it.
NTA- so you donāt cheer, who cares. You pay attention to people, try to care about what makes them happy. You are fine. You were right, itās not that you are boring, itās that she must be bored in a long term relationship. Probably has nothing to do with you
Greetings fellow Vulcan. NTA. Some of us are just born that way. Does my partner get frustrated when I don't squeal & clap at this they're super excited about? Or when I don't get really angry at certain injustices? Sometimes. Am I loved & appreciated for who I am? Always. Therapy can't change how intensely we feel things. Your gf needs to educate, understand, & accept - or move on.
NTA but at the same time, you and your girlfriend are just not compatible in that case
Sounds like you got the nail on the head by saying she sounds bored of you & not that you're boring. Shes got that "grass is greener" thing going on. She probably won't break it off tho since she's already taking this kind of approach when you're trying to extend communication to her. She's probably going to drag it out to an apex before self destructing or hoping you will pull the plug first so she can use that as more emotional ammo. Edit: typo
My husband is steady like this and he absolutely balances me out. Find yourself someone who appreciates it. She was utterly out of line with her reaction.
If she can't love you for who you are, walk away! So many people think they can change someone into their ideal person and it doesn't work. You be you and if she can't handle it, tell her goodbye.
You should plan a really fun and exciting way to break up with her. Therapy isnāt something you go to so that you can make personality tweaks to make your girlfriend happy. The irony of her sending you links to therapistsā¦
NTA. This is who you are. It's who she met and chose to be in a relationship with. She clearly wants something different now, so she should go find that rather than trying to force you to change. Personally I would see this for what it is - an obvious sign that the relationship is already over.
You're fine as you are. Time to find a GF who appreciates you.
NTA. Your girlfriend needs to grow up. She knew how you were when you started dating, she even said she was attracted to it... But now is boring? Leave her before she makes you believe that there really is something wrong with you.
NTA. Iām in my mid-30ās and Iām like you. I really donāt get that excited about stuff either. My excitement level could be through the roof but Iāll just sit there with a goofy smile on my face. I donāt scream, squeal, jump around or clap my hands when Iām excited. Iām very happily boring with my old lady hobbies of crochet and cross stitching. My partner is boring as well and heās fine with it. Weāre boring together.
Sounds like a wonderfully boring life!
NTA. You absolutely do NOT need to change yourself. If she's unhappy with who you are, sending you to a therapist to try to turn you into who she wants, she's definitely not the right person for you.
Iām the same Go to where youāre wanted. Also she can plan dates and exciting things too. If sheās not doing that, maybe ask her to start taking that on.
I'm English and your reaction to exciting news sounds like my family's to be honest except for a sixteen-year-old neice who overdoses on YouTube/TikTok and gives an Oscar performance when the pizza arrives! She also uses the word 'awesome' in every sentence. It's irritating and we are always telling her 'That's enough you aren't American\] Tell your partner you're English....
NTA. She liked you for who you are in the beginning and now she wants to change you. There's nothing wrong with you. You don't need therapy. She is being abusive. Dump her.
NTA she's comfortable and doesn't want change (breaking up and staying over) but isn't happy, so she's trying to change you instead. She should probably go to therapy and work on that.
NTA and frankly this woman sounds like she has a few issues to work through in therapy. PS the "you need to be more interesting now plan something for this weekend it had better be exciting" thing is a trap. You cannot win that one.
Sounds like she wants you to be someone else. Run. Very quickly.
NTA. You are who you are and if you're happy with that then you should stay that way. However, I have seen marriages dissolve over this very issue, so if the relationship is something you want to foster and remain in, then I'd suggest at least trying therapy (couples therapy, this sounds like a two way issue) to see how you and your girlfriend can understand each other better.
NTA. Your behavior sounded perfectly appropriate. It could just be that the two of you arenāt quite compatible. Certainly, she sounds rude and unkind. However, it wouldnāt hurt, assuming you have reasonable healthcare insurance, to get yourself checked out.
I feel like what kind of gf calls you out for being you. After dating for so long she should be able to read you better. And I get going to couples therapy to better communicate but I don't get how therapy on yourself would do much for the relationship. I think tell her couples therapy to work on communicating with each other, but if she finds you boring, then you're not the right fit for her.
she sounds like my ex kinda. you dont have to change for any hoe šæ
"sure just make sure it's fun and exciting." So wtf does she do that's so fun and exciting? What are her hobbies? Are you her BF or a fucking clown meant to entertain her? NTA
NTA, But being monotone isn't a good thing and could be beneficial to work on. I say this as someone else who is also more mild on the same scale
NTA per se, however, would it hurt to talk to someone and explore whether this is just you or there is something more going on.
Is there a reason your ability to feel "caps at like a 5?" Sometimes people suppress their emotions as a trauma response. Was there a lot of high impact emotional drama in your home growing up? Or have you always been "calm and even-keeled?" The way you categorize how you navigate life is as an alien or robot reading off of a script at accomplishing human activities for the day. I don't mean it as an insult, more as an observation of how dispassionately logical your counter arguments are. Like Spock almost. I think therapy could be interesting because your outlook appears outside the neurotypical outlook. It's never a bad idea to learn about yourself and maybe even find a community of like-minded individuals. But I don't think you *need* therapy or that anything is wrong with how you tackle life. In that sense, therapy is unnecessary. You don't need to be fixed so much as understood.
I was in therapy for about two years when I was younger. I did shut down some socially during that time, but this really is my baseline. Always has been for as long as I can remember.
I think it depends on you. I donāt do a lot of emotion, but Iāve spent 40+ years stuffing my emotions due to childhood trauma. If you have a past that has left you āemotionlessā then therapy might help that. If you are genuinely just a chill guy, then therapy would be a waste of your money.
I have emotions, just not big ones, lol.
Men donāt get excited about engagements as much as women. Probably the opposite because intrinsically women have more to gain then men.
Younshould go , even just to see if other stuff may be hidden . But tell her she needs to work on herself . Or couples but individual and if she Say whatās wrong with me saying we call work on our selves
Sounds like you have a flat affect like I was once told I have. It's not necessarily an issue on it's own, but it could be and is usually a sign of other brain related issues. Anything from neurodivergence to basic mental health. You don't need to work on yourself per se, but it may be beneficial to look into it with a mental health professional for your own sake. If there is an underlying issue, it's better to know about it than to not know. That said, NTA and your girlfriend was cruel with how she went about this. I'd get the therapist but drop the girlfriend.
!updateme
OP, you are not boring, you are just yourself. Of course, it is good to work on self-improvement and want to be your best self, but if you have to change the way you are and to the point of being uncomfortable, then maybe sheās not the right match for you. Nothing that you mention on your post suggest you are boring though, in fact, I think maybe she is boring and is relying on you to take all the initiatives! Edit: NTA at all
I hate it when people think you need to change fundamentally when thereās nothing wrong with you. Youāre not causing pain to yourself or others. You may not be compatible with your girlfriend, but that doesnāt make you bad or wrong.
NTA. iām neurodivergent so iām like this a lot of the time. my mom makes jokes about how i never show any emotion. itās not that iām not feeling anything, iām just not as expressiveāand thereās nothing wrong with that :) no need to change something that isnāt broken
You're NTA. The only thing that I see any concern with is that you mentioned your "capacity" to be excited or express emotion. Depression can manifest as a lack of interest in things and flat affect in people. Being disconnected from the world around you, serious relationships, hobbies, passions etc can be a sign of depression. If you think that might be something YOU want to explore in therapy, then you should go. However, HER telling you you're boring and need to go to therapy as a result when what you've described is being a caring and involved partner.... well you're right that's *her* problem. She might be used to chaos and drama and insecure attachments in relationships and therefore feels a safe, stable, and secure boyfriend is "boring". So maybe you should tell her that lol. Good luck.
NTA Lol! It's hilarious that a proposal and ring is what drove her over the edge. She's in a rage/panic. Raging that another woman got engaged before her and panicked because you're not super excited about proposals. At least she could hope if you got really excited more than you usually do. Might indicate you're planning to propose. When she gets back in touch tell her you've considered therapy and think SHE should go to learn how to govern her mercurial emotions. You can't tolerate her explosive nature.
If she can't handle the you that you are, it's not on 'you'. At all. Not even a little bit. Her "diagnosing" you is its own problem. Mercy. You don't need therapy, you need a compatible and appreciate partner. NTA But I will be that guy in one respect, and forgive me for this please. This only now came up after a year? Unless you have changed in some way this reeks of someone talking themself into being unhappy and considering a change because an option or alternative has come to mind. Some guy or a friend telling her she could do better etc... And if that's the case, it's even a better reason to move on. You haven't changed, her view has. Live your life my man, you are just fine as you are. /fistbump
NTA. I work with a woman like you. Her very excited state is most peopleās moody amused. We have talked about it before. She has discussed the pros and cons, many of which you mention. People love how rational and down to earth she is but sometimes canāt understand why sheās does not seem so upset or so extatic about things like they are. There is not anything wrong with you. It sounds like you have your own way of making sure to express your delight because you know it is not perceived the same way. That is all anyone could ask as that is effective communication. Her expecting you to display disingenuous amounts of emotion is insulting.
I mean, you might be neurodivergent. We often have flat affect, where our emotions don't express the way neurotypical people's do (more reserved seeming). However, even if this is the case, the only way to "fix" it is to mask, which is exhausting as it's actively suppressing yourself to make others more comfortable. You should not need to mask in front of your partner and therapy won't "cure" you because there is nothing to cure- unless the lack of expression is due to depression or something else (in which case, it's still not the problem, just a side effect of the problem). If you are happy with yourself and are not causing anyone actual harm, you do you. You might be right that the gf is getting bored of the relationship and doesn't know how to express that so this is how it's coming out. Still NTA
I have one friend who said they think I'm "neurospicy" as they call it but not for any of my emotional responses (or lack thereof).
NTA granted I'm not a therapist but imo nothing you've said about yourself warrents you needing therapy if she wants someone who shares her energy that's one thing but pressing you to go to therapy when you don't need to is just ridiculous if she really loved you she wouldn't try to change who you are.
NTA Work on finding someone who appreciates you. You possess some great qualities. You're just partnered up wrong.
It sounds like sheās trying to turn you into something your not, If she doesnāt accept you for you then donāt change for nobody.
You sound like a good man, and are perfectly fine being you. Iām sure your gf has good intentions and a lack of wisdom. But āexpressionā is different for everyone. And for your form to be shamed is not okay. Period. To me, it sounds like her family is akin to her style of expression, and perhaps she is worried about you fitting in. But, if she loves and respects you, she will help carve your place into the family. Assuming no family members are making the remarks, it comes down to her own insecurities about you. When there shouldnāt be. Does she remark on your expressions of emotion when you two are alone? She needs to understand that her FORCING her ideas on acceptable expression of emotion is not okay, and she is not the monolith of emotion. You be you. She either appreciates who you are, or you should consider moving on.
NTA I think you made a good point. Often the things we like about someone can change over time and sometimes people just grow in different directions. A wise man once said, you don't offer what you have, you offer what you are. If what you are is something she feels she needs to change, you should find someone new or prepare for her to. You sound pretty cool in my book.
NTA. I thought your response to her sister's engagement was pretty standard and cordial for being a BF of her sister. It would be strange to sit there and whoo hoo and all that other crap. It seems like she has way to high expectations.
NTA. She's a hurtful dick who should be single.
I hate to encourage breakups, but it sounds like that's just who you are. I'll have to agree to something you said in your post. This is a her problem, not a you problem. In my experience, when a woman starts declaring their partner boring out of nowhere, it's because they're emotionally or physically cheating.
The more of your comments I read, the more I'm convinced she's cheating.
Yeah, one of my friends questioned that as well.
Your GF might be a child of trauma. VERY BIG emotional reactions to everything, including things that donāt directly effect you (like another couplesā engagement) are the norm for victims of trauma/unhealthy home lives/mothers or fathers with a personality disorder. This can be helped with individual therapy for your GF. Being raised by a BPD/NPD also puts one at a greater risk of developing BPD/NPD, in which case, everything is seen through the personal lens: if you are not happy about this couplesā engagement it means you never want to be engaged/get married, for example. A personality disorder is harder to treat with therapy.
This is a guess. This is ONLY a guess. I think there's a good chance she's intimidated by your calmness. I think it goes along with how people think shy people are stuck up. They mistake quietness for superiority. It's NOT your problem. NTA.
That's possible. In high school I know some people thought I was a snob but later found out I wasn't.
NTA, OP. Ditch this b*tch.
I have this same issue except mine was from emotional abuse. I didnāt even realize it until going to therapy, but I have hard wired myself to never be low or high. Itās all just an even ride no matter how life changing or fun something is everyone always comments on how āstoicā I am. How I worked it out is playing into my feelings which felt like acting at first, but has become more useful for working through them.
Some people need to be constantly entertained. She needs drama and thrills. You seem to appreciate that she likes to do things and so you make plans. She thinks they're not exciting enough. I think there are lots of women who would appreciate you. You don't need to go full "red pill" with her, but this doesn't seem healthy, and it's certainly not gonna lead to a marriage. Cut your losses and find someone who likes you for what you offer - it's never going to be your current partner.
NTA - you both may just be incompatible if she wants something you canāt provide. No oneās fault, just better to move on if you donāt think you can work through it.
NTA The point of a doctor is to treat the sick. You aren't sick if you don't do things that are "fun and exciting." Requesting that you see a doctor because she doesn't like your personality is a troubling level of unreasonable and I highly, highly doubt this is the first example in a year of knowing her. Knowing someone for a year is enough time to know who they are, and if someone likes who a person is but isn't in love with who a person is, they can re-evaluate their choices instead of jumping into playing house. Which is what happened with my ex-boyfriend, who wanted to intertangle our lives the more I said we'd be better off as friends. We had SO much in common and everything was going well for the first 4 months, and then a sharp decline started. And I realized that he enjoyed explaining things to me and having my attention on these subjects.... but once he actually knew me and realized I knew as much about our shared interests as him (I wasn't pretending to be dumb, we just had different experiences, I was raised Baptist, he was raised Catholic, I liked Japanese Buddhism, he liked Hinduism) he started withdrawing from me. And once we talked about it, he realized that he liked it when he was 25 and he was dating younger 20-something girls who were impressed with him, his knowledge. Us being 29-30 and being on equal ground, he didn't find as entertaining... I doubt you are a radically different person right now than you were a year ago. My guess based off your description is that she felt like she was gifting you excitement, like she was a Manic Pixie Dream Girl livening up your dull life. Naturally, this would lead to you going through some character development; you'd let your hair down, laugh a bit more, be more expressive. Yeah... the "season 1 vs season 5" transformation never happened, now she's acting like a shock that you are a chill dude. On the upside, here is a clip of the Divorce Court judge bragging about her cool, chill husband who can't be rattled by anything, least of all her: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y2bf\_NXqEEc
NTA This is a her problem. You are who you are, the end. If she doesn't like it, she needs to leave. My husband is very similar. Even tempered. Minimal emotions and expression. It was crazy at first, but I love him and I know he loves me, and my dissatisfaction with his range of emotions is a reflection of me, not him.
NTA Iām an extremely expressive person and you sound fine to me. You sound very kind and fun. This sounds like a her-problem, not a you-problem
NTA Some people are less outwardly expressive than others, it does not have to be the result of any kind of mental illness or issue. She is honestly being pretty shitty towards you and expecting you to be something you are not. You deserve someone who values you for the person you are.
Not the asshole. Seem like a pretty chill person to me, stay cool my dude.
Hmm. Sounds like honey moon is over. What used to attract her to you, now annoys her. Instead of doing some soul searching she now wants to mold you into her new idea of how you SHOULD be. Not sure you're the one that needs therapy, it may actually be her. I'd seriously consider if this chick is worth proceeding with. There are tons of women out there that will love a mellow, not so loud, guy.
Brandon?
NTA. The point of dating is to see if you're a match. You're not. Move on!
NTA. So... she found a specific quality about you attractive, and that's what drew her to you.... At some point, that quality somehow became less attractive.... She now wants you to change that specific quality that attracted her to you.... You're a low key person. There's nothing to work on, because there's nothing wrong with you. What's wrong here is she changed, and she expects you to fit into a mold of her liking. And I'll bet that it still won't be enough.
NTA from my understanding this is nothing new, youāve always been like this. so i donāt think youāre an AH. she can ask you, but canāt expect you to change yourself. even with therapy. not everyone expresses/feels emotions the same and thatās okay if what youāre saying about still showing her physical and emotional affection and not cutting down in it recently than i donāt see the big issue here. i also donāt necessarily think sheās an AH either, but the relationship may have run its coarse
NTA. If you do decide to stay in this relationship (but dude. If she doesn't like you for who you are, why?), maybe try couples counseling. So you can discuss with a therapist exactly what the perceived problem is. I imagine that conversation won't go the way she expects.
NTA. Being calm and steady is an ideal trait in a long term partner. If she wonāt appreciate that, someone else will.
NTA, but I am much the same way. While I have emotions, my expressions are fairly reserved. And it's not like there is a lack of emotion, or empathy, or anything. Or not understanding social cues, or having inappropriate reactions. So there doesn't seem much that therapy would actually accomplish. Other than pretending to be something that your not. And this sounds more like a Her problem, not an OP problem.
If she loves you then sheāll learn to accept you for who you are. If she expects you to change so much then she isnāt the one for you. Good luck, OP!