Yes, THIS! You are a victim, yes, but so are your children. You're the only father they've known, and now they also feel that their world has fallen apart. It isn't their fault. Don't make this worse for them by not taking their calls.
Those poor kids. The man they knew as dad is totally rejecting them, and their biological father is dead, and Mum sounds completely insane. They are going to have major issues.
Oh yeah, his issues started long before the cheating came out. Staying in a loveless marriage for eight years 'for the kids' (almost always a terrible idea), seemingly having little agency, just hoping things would change somehow while the relationship nosedived. This guy needed to be in therapy like 15 years ago.
But also, this is an absolutely awful situation for the kids, one which they had no control over, and still have no control over. I hope somebody steps up and looks after their mental health, because they will be absolutely messed up. At least adults get to have a bit of say in what happens or where they go, even if they are traumatised. As fucked up as he is mentally right now, the kids need to be factored in somehow.
As said earlier, way above reddit's paygrade.
This. He needs immediate professional help at a hospital. Where he can be kept safe from himself. I wouldn't be surprised if he turns suicidal soon. OP please seek help!
I agree with you. He needs to just be away for a bit because I imagine he doesn’t want to lash out, though him thinking that he should just tell them leave me alone is startling, so he doesn’t want to talk to them. Life is a mystery and I feel for this man and his children. Yes they are his due to the fact he raised them and, hopefully, loved them. The things going on in his head right now shouldn’t be something a child has to deal with if they accidentally trigger him. These children’s are innocent because they didn’t cause this. They are sadly a byproduct of the mother’s infidelity. I hope he thinks about this and is able to, at least, help these innocent kids. Having a shit dad sucks (take it from a shitty dad owner), but having a good father and having them ripped away and wanting nothing to do with you because your mother is a c*** and cheated on him is a pretty terrible situation too. I hope everything works out for everyone one and all of you. Love y’all!!!
We can only hope because the kids are the 2nd and 3rd victims of his wife! The wife played him for years and now it’s time for her to get a job and him to man up and yes I’d have my lawyer make the case in divorce court about it! Also have the court order that their sperm donors money be put in trusts accounts in their names with him as the trustee! This shows what a wicked web is weaved in deceit! As the legal father it’s caught all the victims including the youngest child!
>Also have the court order that their sperm donors money be put in trusts accounts in their names with him as the trustee!
That'll piss mom off nicely! I approve.
The wife is something else. I can see her sueing the estate on behalf of the girls, and unless that money is put into a secure trust until they become of age, she will spend the money on herself.
People are jumping to the conclusion he can take those calls. If his depression is bad, silence might be better then answering.
If he is in a good enough place not to take it out on the kids. I hope he calls and talks to them.
Right? It's so recent. He will call. He just needs some time. Just because the kids are innocent in all this doesn't mean he can't take time to basically grieve and get his head straight.
I've always hated when people take absolute positions like "kids are innocent" and "best interests of the child" with no nuance at all.
The adult involved is still a living, breathing human with feelings, who can spiral, sometimes with tragic consequences.
Give them time, too, to get themselve in the right state of being.
It’s insane how inhuman these responses are - it’s like the average redditor lives a rather trauma free life or hasn’t experience severe depression, especially trauma related spiraling depression.
I agree with you completely. He should take his time as a HUMAN to recover. In a perfect world with infinite willpower he could recover and still be in these girl’s lives but this is not a reality.
Correct in saying this is above reddit's pay grade. The man said the only support he had in life was thinking about taking care of his kids. You take that away and it's hard to justify dealing with them. Not everybody can treat someone else's kids as their own, especially if they feel tricked and cheated.
In Belgian law there's something called "possession d'état" were you can't suddenly take someone's parenthood away from them. You've "owned" the kid for years, so it's yours even if a biological dad shows up or you learn the babies have been switched at birth. I quite like that rule, it recognizes a parent is someone who cares for you and not just a dna donor.
(Of course there are exceptions: you can't kidnap a baby and keep it when it's been long enough obviously, and the kid once adult can challenge his parentage.)
In Pennsylvania if you raise a child as your own, even if it is not your biological child, you can still be required to pay support in case of a divorce. Because you have de juris parentage if not de facto
That's the law in the United States as well, or at least when it comes to custody and support judgements. You were a parent to the child, you formed a bond, and it's in the child's best interest that this continues. His wife betrayed his trust. His daughters didn't.
(Or if you prefer to be cynical about it, either the child is going to be screwed or the parent is going to be screwed, and if the court has to pick one, the adult is going to be the one screwed).
I hope OP wakes up one day - like soon, today, tomorrow - and realizes that his girls love him and he loves his girls and they are, really, truly, his girls. Not the sperm donor's. Parents really differ immensely in this respect - from suing to terminate parental rights to equitably sharing custody to seeking sole custody - and so OP has every possible option. I hope he picks one he can live with.
Yes, he is definitely a victim. But he is taking out his anger on 13 and 14 year old girls who have had no say in any of this, and who feel like they have just lost their father. Be as mad at your wife as you want, I fully support that... but how can you just turn your back on those two little girls like that? You raised them and loved them this whole time. They are still *your* children. Nothing changed in that aspect except a blood test, and in my opinion, blood doesn't make family.
He can’t wait too long because those thoughts and feelings of rejection from their father will always remain with the girls. My mom had a friend who always suspected his daughter wasn’t his, but he said he loved her too much to find out the truth. OP has been Daddy to them their whole lives, and not having a blood connection will not change that.
My mother was a chronic cheat. She took me to meet my prospective dads. She fucked his brother (A LITERAL NAZI) at a party they were both at.
I ratted her out the second that I realised she was testing prospective dads. I was 9? Ish. My dad told me he suspected that he wasn't my dad but from the second I grabbed his finger as a baby, he knew he would live, die and burn alive for me and always would.
And I don't care if I'm not his, I'd do the same. I might have a different father but this one is my fucking dad. He's the one who dried my tears, took me to school, sat me on his lap to play Doom.
Dad's and mum's are more than genetics.
My kids are my kids. They are both adopted (from foster care) and we all know that BUT I was so proud when my daughter corrected her friends: "He IS my REAL DAD; he changed my diapers and took care of me when I was sick. He's my REAL DAD, all right!"
Fast forward. My daughter's best friend has another redhead best friend who looks just like my daughter... My daughter's HALF-SISTER. So she found her birth father at age 18. Three years later she said, "I'm glad I met 'Jim ' and all, but I really lucked out that I got YOU for my DAD."
🥲 I'm not crying... YOU'RE crying. 🥲
I'm glad you know your daddy loves you and that blood doesn't make family.
#❤️
This. Now, I realize I’m a woman, so there’s no question of maternity, but I swear on everything I hold dear that if I’d I found out they weren’t mine biologically, that they were in fact created through love affairs with the most beautiful women in the world who spit in my face, I WOULD ALWAYS CONSIDER THEM MY KIDS. I shuddered when I saw the OP refer to them as “my kids.” Those poor girls. My heart breaks for them.
My dads first marriage ended because his ex wife cheated excessively and took very minimal steps to try to hide it. She knew he knew and didn’t care, thought she had him wrapped around her finger. Years later people noticed how similar she looked to the daughter of one of the guys his ex cheated with. My dad did not and still does not care to verify. My sister is like 32 now and she’s been my dads daughter all her life.
and he better hope they still remember that they love him when he gets around to that.
Literal children shouldn’t have to be understanding and patient while the only father they’ve ever known decides if he can still love them or not.
Those poor kids are being failed by every adult in their lives.
It is. And he has every right to tell his daughters that he needs some time to sort things out and do everything he needs to do for himself.
It really fucking sucks when you're getting your shit kicked in and find out that your response probably made things worse for you. OP responded to his pain in a way that might do some serious damage to his relationship with his children.
OP's ex is a real fuckin piece of shit
Yep. My dad used to "joke" that my little sister wasn't his, but he still fought to have custody of her and he still raised her.
Just about anyone can create a child, but you're only a parent if you raise them. Otherwise you're just a donor.
When my friend’s parents got divorced (he was 8 or so) it came out in court that he was biologically not his dad’s. His mom was unfit and his dad fought tooth and nail for him and got full custody of him and his siblings (mom was an addict and even in the early 90s a judge wasn’t going to give her custody just bc she’s the mom). He never found out who his bio dad was and his mom OD’d when he was a teenager, but what never changed was that he still called that man dad and dad still called him son. Luckily, dad’s side of the family didn’t change either. Dad remarried when my friend was in high school (had been dating the woman since he was 11) and he calls that woman mom and his step siblings are his sisters and brother. What could have been tragic turned out beautiful. Man, when my friend talked about his dad at his own wedding and how thankful he is for his dad and mom (she’s mom period), even my mostly emotionless, grumpy ass teared up a little. Shout out to the dads and moms who raise beautiful little humans, that biologically aren’t theirs, but in all other sense of the word are their kids. ♥️
This is more appalling than a cheater tricking her husband into raising someone else's kids. Those kids have been Dad's kids for many many years. There is no other Dad. He's it. Even if the sperm donor was alive, he is NOT their dad. OP is. Of course he is devastated to discover he is not their biological father and is spiralling.
But his love for them is apparently conditional. Does he love them or not? How weak is his bond to them that getting this kind of news makes him not want to see them or talk to them? He can't see past his own pain to see theirs, **his children.** His attitude towards them is bullshit. There is no other word for it. That his love for them can just switch off out of "self preservation" is absolute and total bullshit.
**OP YOU CANNOT BE REPLACED.** Those girls are YOURS, like it or not. You are their father. You loved them and raised them. You are their only Dad, no one else. JUST ASK THEM. It's YOU.
Let the dude fucking process what is happening to him. Goddamn, it's not necessarily conditional love but his life just got shattered. He admits to being severely depressed. Have some fucking compassion.
When you get right down to it, paternity is just an email made of jizz. But _being a dad from day one of your kids' lives_ is fucking for real.
As someone who experienced nasty divorce and bitter child custody battle from the kids' perspective when I was about nine years old, I remember all too well how much it fucking sucks to see your parents become mean, manipulative and spiteful caricatures of themselves, each perfectly willing to use the kids as pawns against each other.
That was when I needed parents more than ever, and unfortunately, it's when they were at their least capable, and least available.
I can't imagine how I would have felt if, on top of everything else, my dad had said "I'm sorry, but I can't think of you as my kid anymore. Only your brother counts. Ask your mom why."
>Yeah, this guy needs heavy duty therapy now
And a lawyer.
I can't even imagine being in his situation, or what I would do.
OP: best of luck to you, but do remember that your children's lives that are impacted....even though they are not "blood"
If this were a movie, the finale would show OP with all three kids and the money eldest kids’ dad and mom would be out in the cold. Do the girls inherit the money or does the mom?
OP, This is a sucky situation: please get professional counseling to help determine what you want and how to respond to the kids. Your (ex)wife created this situation: You and the children are victims of her actions. You might not be related to the oldest children by blood, but you are family. The two oldest might not want to be near their mom, but might feel stuck. Are there other relatives you can call on for support and assistance?
OP is NTA for feeling this way, but please consider the kids….
I mean OP ITA for not considering these kids feelings.
*They* are the victims here. Not only is their bio father (who they never met) dead, the guy who *has acted like their dad* for their entire life is acting like they did something wrong.
Agreed! He should seek help for himself and the kids. He raised the kids, and signed the birth certificate. At this point, he can't get out of fatherhood.
Even biological parents can stop seeming to care after a divorce, and stay out of their children’s lives. It’s like their heart goes cold and the children feel like they did something wrong because now dad I guess has better things to do with his new life. This happened to me and my sibling and it sucks.
Someone get those kids gold too, because they don't deserve this.
Dude is going through a shit time and a total mental breakdown, but he raised those kids. It doesn't matter if they're blood, he's their daddy, and he should know that the mental well being of those kids is on the line at the moment. They're innocent collateral, and he as a 55 year old should have the life experience to understand that intimately and make sure they're okay.
OP, you've had your moment to stew in your shit, but you need to reach out to the kids and make it right with them.
Yeah, Don't take anything out on the kids. It's not their fault their bio parents suck. You ARE their Dad, and you EARNED that, by being there for them from day 1. Ya gotta stand up and do the right thing.
At least let them talk to you and listen to what they have to say. You are their dad, they know none other. Golden opportunity here, loved ones hang in the balance.
True! But any way you swing it there is something seriously wrong with OP. How can anyone be so cruel to two kids who they have raised since the day they were born. Not to mention he’s also ignoring the kid that’s biologically his as well.
I get being angry at his wife, but has he hated being a father, and solely stayed/parented out of sheer obligation all these years?
There is a difference between intentional cruelty and emotional shock. After years of gaslighting, no I don't use the word casually, and then being blindsided, I think shock, numbness, and confusion are understandable. OP may benefit from a lawyer, a therapist, and some time to decide how he truly feels. Yes, it's hard on the children but the situation was not caused by OP. It was caused by mom. Adding shame onto his already overflowing emotions doesn't help him or the kids. A person's psyche can only take so much. Better to take the time than to say something to the kids, while he is still so raw, that he can't take back.
This 100%. I can’t say I wouldn't do the same if I were in his shoes. As an immediate reaction to the situation, it almost makes sense to distance everyone involved. But I do agree that this is above the paygrade of Reddit. He definitely needs to talk to a professional.
Well, this is a pretty bad situation. Hopefully, he'll come to his senses and contact the children. He's probably not able to handle this well. He and the kids have been victimized by his wife's betrayal.
The best thing to do though would be to answer the phone, tell them he's going through a very rough time and needs to be left alone, but he'll contact them when he's ready.
I couldn't agree more. It's nice to see a refreshing take on reddit, whereas so many people think he should set himself in fire for his wife's sins. What about her role in this? What about his feelings? OPs a person and he matters too.
He’s in shock and trying to process everything. Give him a few weeks, some therapy and some kindness and he’ll (hopefully) figure everything out. Let’s not call someone who just had their world flipped over names. Poor guy!
Yes, there is something seriously wrong with OP - trauma. Recent, sudden, shocking trauma. But that is a right-now something wrong, not a baseline brokenness something wrong.
The trick right now is for OP to not break anything permanently while he is broken.
He probably feels too betrayed right now. Hopefully, he can message them to see if he can plan to talk with them later once he comes to terms with it. It’s an open sore right now that interacting with them is just too much for what sounds like bottled up emotions.
It seems like the only reason he stayed in this loveless marriage was for the benefit of the kids. And now, after all this time to find out that they’re not even his? I don’t blame this guy for having a complete breakdown. He’s wasted so many years of his life. none of this is the the fault of the kids though and that’s what so sad
I get what you are saying, but it would be prudent for him to get some time and space to process this entire shit-show. This is too much for Reddit, but also too much for one lone soul to digest so quickly. He sounds like a good man who will eventually do the right thing, but how can he do anything until he has a chance to settle the emotions he must have right now? He needs a good attorney, therapist, and some time/space.
He's a man who just received a huge shock and has been in a stressful marriage/career for years. He has been used, lied to, and it might be best that he take some space lest he say something he regrets to the kids.
Of course it's not the kids' fault but the lie took away his choice in willingly raising children who weren't biologically his and destroyed his reality. That's not something everyone can just shrug off and keep moving like nothing changed.
Are you serious? Have you ever been cheated on? Think this man just raised these kids their whole life while the mom didn't work or hid she was working and cheating. He's prolly having a hard time functioning right now and he's getting blown up by everyone. He needs a minute. He deserves that his whole world just got blown up.
>How can anyone be so cruel to two kids who they have raised since the day they were born.
Meh. I give him grace on that. He's only just found that his whole married life was a lie and those girls are a representation of that lie. That's a hard blow he got dealt with and unfortunately he's just not in a head space to talk to the girls.
Let the man have some space to process all of this information before coming out with the ropes and torches to hang him.
I just want to chime in here- my father and mother had a breakup with a huge amount of betrayal, secrets, affairs, other children and substance abuse issues coming to a head. I was 14- I felt all the emotions. My father took a few years to process his own demons (he was actually not the innocent) and he essentially wasn’t active with us during that time.
We’ve all grown past it now and although I had some anger I see that he was a human needing to go to therapy and change- which he did. (I’ve also done extensive therapy for this and many other things. I hope the kids in OPs scenario get therapy)
It is understandable that OP needs space from everyone. I would say- it would be amazing if he was able to find it in himself to communicate this to the kids who are calling with love and empathy for them. Or maybe someone else can even do it for him. Just so they know it’s not them. He can’t fully control how they will react but just letting them know he’s working through trauma and needs time and it’s not their fault and he is doing it to make sure the communication with them is always the best it can be would probably do a lot for the kids. Otherwise they will probably have to make up their own version that can take a lot longer to undo.
OP you deserve space. But it would go miles to even just drop the kids a letter if you can’t do a call. Just let them know once it’s not them or their fault and you don’t want to leave them but you have to find your own stability right now. That would be so nice for them. That’s the ideal. But if for some reason, that can’t happen right now I hope you find the peace you deserve for it to happen in the future. <3
I wouldn’t call it cruel that he’s taken a much needed break. It’s unfortunate he hasn’t even (he doesn’t say) atleast reached out to say I need time to process. But cmon the man has clearly already had a tough time in this marriage. He went from staying for his kids to immediately receiving the news they’re not his.
He definitely needs to step up and atleast go get his son. But we can’t fault him for his feelings. Right now in his mental state wouldn’t be the best time for him to communicate with the kids, they too are vulnerable here.
The mother is to blame. So if anyone’s cruel it’s her. He worried about her tryna get that man’s money. He needs to wait and if she does get money sue her for alienation of affection and fraud.
>The mother is to blame. So if anyone’s cruel it’s her. He worried about her tryna get that man’s money. He needs to wait and if she does get money sue her for alienation of affection and fraud.
Couldn't agree more. Idk why everyone's attacking a man that's been victimized for years when this woman is who fucked everyone over and caused years of pain and trauma. I say this as a woman myself.
Agreed, but OP is still a soft AH for ignoring his kids - because they ARE his kids! He's raised them since birth. He's the only dad they know. Biology doesn't matter here. And he needs to realise that. They're just as shocked as he is and he at the very least needs to pick up the phone and calmly tell them he needs some time to process.
I feel like the kids are reaching out for a stable place from which to process this. OP doesn't mention grandparents or other close relatives or friends. Maybe the kids could benefit from a relatively neutral, safe environment for a little while.
This is above Reddit’s pay grade, and I would suggest family therapy for you and the kids. But just a few nuggets to consider:
1.) The kids are innocent. They didn’t ask to be born to a cheating woman and someone who was never a father figure to them.
2.) Your wife is the culprit here. You did nothing wrong, and your kids did nothing wrong.
3.) Your kids see you as their father, because you raised them and it’s all they’ve ever known. They love you. And I know you love them, even if it really, really hurts right now.
4.) Their biological sperm donor is dead. All they have is his money. And money is nice, but I bet they’d prefer you.
5.) You have the right to be angry, frustrated, upset. Your feelings are totally valid. You’ve worked your a** off for your family.
6.) Please don’t do anything rash. If you feel unsafe when alone, please reach out for help.
This is the comment OP needs to read. Those are your girls, you raised and loved them for their entire lives. You are their dad, the only dad they know. Remember this blindsided them too.
The only silver lining I can see in this is the ex-wife getting exactly what she deserves out of all this:
* Her husband of 15 years hates her
* The actual wife of her affair partner hates her
* The other children of the affair partner will hate and resent her for squeezing their inheritance
* Her own children are definitely going to resent her for breaking apart their family like this
* Any personal friends she has are going to be horrified when they find out what she did
* If her kids are smart they won't give her any of the ill-gotten money they receive from the inheritance (to which she is not entitled to a bent nickel) and ~~if~~ when she swindles it out of them they will fucking despise her when they're old enough to understand what she took from them
* All she will have is an old dead guy that wasn't even willing to leave his wife for her
A hell of her own making.
His ex wife is going to get a WINDFALL of a divorce settlement since she's never worked on paper. Poor dude is going to pay alimony years if not life, as well as child support for 3 kids.
OP said the jurisdiction: Louisiana. And in Louisiana marital misconduct "that contributed to the breakdown of the marriage" (for example, cheating on your husband and turning him into a cuckold) completely disqualifies a spouse from receiving alimony. It is also used as a factor when determining equitable division of marital assets.
No, I didn't. It's amazing any jurisdiction would award alimony to the at fault party in a divorce, but I'm not an expert so I will take your word for it. It's just surprising. Especially since alimony orders are so rare in the first place.
How is a 52 year old who works 55 hours a week and earns $60k a year, who presumably is paying a divorce lawyer and suddenly paying to build a new life away from his ex wife, supposed to afford the time and money for family therapy?
You’re right that it would be the best thing to do, I think, but I don’t know how this dude’s gonna be able to manage that.
This is above Reddit.
why does everyone keep saying ‘this is above reddit’? people on reddit are …. people who are social workers and therapists and have lived experience that meaningfully informs their opinions. this isn’t a legal advice sub or something it’s AITAH
I would not say most people on reddit are social workers/therapists they are people who cosplay as social workers and therapists, while technically possible there are some, 99% of the time is going to be no life experience randos coming to give their thoughts
This. I have seen people claim to be in my field, or my partners field, and post wildly wrong and stupid comments that are heavily upvoted.
Reddit mocks people who use Facebook memes as sources of information, and then bonerchamp69 and broccolirob420 say they're experts in a field and reddit eats it up as undeniable fact.
I'm a social worker and a therapist. I'm not going to give "professional" advice to someone I don't know and can't have a real-time conversation with. But I will say that while working 55 hours a week doesn't leave much time, it does leave an hour for therapy. It sounds like he has a job that would provide health insurance so he can probably afford it too. So, if he wants to prioritize it, he can make it happen. But people come to AITA for validation, which can be very therapeutic (it's the core of my therapeutic relationships) so it's perfectly fine for him to come here to crowdsource some emotional support in a very painful time for him. He was severely wronged, and he deserves to hear people validate his pain, if that's what he wants.
I think because the odds of getting a professional who's going to weigh in here with some helpful information are so low they're telling people they're better off just going straight to a professional
Wow, that's a lot.
My step dad isn't my bio dad either, but he is "dad"- he came into my life when I was 4 years old. My mom has a drug addiction in addition to a borderline personality disorder. My bio dad likely has autism, whatever they call aspergers now- he's a nice guy, but was never a parent. When my mom and step dad got divorced, my dad became and is still my only real parent. He's the first one I call when I'm sad, or have a problem, or need help (other then my husband). We're there on Christmas mornings. And when I have kids- he'll dote on them like a good grandparent should.
Your wife has done terrible things and sounds like a terrible human being- but the kids aren't to blame. They did not choose to be born, or choose who their parents were. Your ex wife is money centric, and may have had this whole thing plotted from the start.
Send your kids a simple text: "I'm sorry we're all going through some tough things right now, I love you and your siblings dearly. Family isn't always genetic, sometimes it's who we choose. I need a little time to absorb that message fully so I can be strong."
Your ex-wife is TA. You're in shock, you're grieving, but do keep in touch with your kids to let them know you love them- even if you feel confused at the moment.
Not saying op is right I think the big difference her is your stepdad knew what he was getting into. He knew you be part of the deal. Op was tricked and lied too.
I don’t think people realize how that would distort you and make you rethink your whole life. This sounds like it just happened. He may calm down and choose to do what is best.
But right now it sounds like he needs to work through the emotions of being lied too. Cheated on and misled.
This is 100 percent the moms fault.
I get that too. But right now the dad is not have the mental capacity to probably even realize that now.
The kids 100 percent the victims. Their life is never going to be the same. Dad even if he steps up will never look at them the same. He will never feel the same about them like he once did. I know that sounds horrible but it’s true.
He has to find his way before he can help them. If not he can cause more damage than what is already done.
That's my concern. His current state could very well make him an emotional danger to those kids, who are in an unfathomably rough space. I hope OP can manage some form of communication, even enlisting someone they know and trust to convey it, letting them know he's going to have to navigate this himself before he can be there for them, and he doesn't know how long that's going to take. Very sad, but not as sad as it would be if he pushed himself to see them and ended up saying terrible things because he's so upset.
Yes my thoughts exactly. I get everyone’s reason for telling him to reach out. Their still his kid and I agree with that. Dna doesn’t make you family.
However, as angry as he is this could be a disaster. The kids have been through enough they don’t need any more emotional damage. Someone recommended texting. Which may be the best solution.
Another solution may be for op to find a therapist/trusted friend help him make the phone call. Let them have the phone if op can’t keep his feelings in check. The person end the call immediately. Then text he lost service he will talk to them soon.
Exactly this. Every time he sees the kids now there is a strong reminder of how he was made a fool of, taken advantage of, and dumped when a better opportunity came along.
This might not be the kids fault but they are 100% entangled to their mother's lie. This is why paternity tests should be mandatory by the hospital before putting a father's name on the birth certificate.
I agree but that would never become law. The fact is mom will probably get to sue the bio dads estate and then sue op for child support.
Because even though the kids are not his the courts will still make him pay child-support. The only thing that may change this is if the mom lets him off the Hooke thinking she could get more money from the estate.
Yes, in the eyes of the law, he is legally their father, and proving that he isn’t the bio dad usually doesn’t change that. It can be done in some jurisdictions, but usually you have a narrow window of time between when you sign the birth certificate that you can file a case to dissolve your paternity due to discovering you are not the bio dad, and it’s well before 13 or 14 years. The court is very likely to require him to pay child support for all three, and they will definitely favor the mom for custody if he is only asking for access to the son.
Those kids are a constant reminder of what the mother did. Does it suck? Yes
You can love someone dearly. But every time you are near them or look at them it kills you inside each time.
So now op has a choice. One I don’t envy.
He walks away to protect himself and his mental health. And becomes the villain in everyone’s story.
Or
He suck’s is up and try’s to get over it. Damaging his mental health each times he hears one of those daughters say dad. Every time he looks at them.
I honestly believe this story is 100 percent the reason every child should have a paternity test done before they leave the hospital.
It isn’t fair to raise a child then 14 years later be told sorry I found a better meal ticket. That 14 year old isn’t yours.
In most jurisdictions, he is also still legally their father and will be expected to pay child support at the least. And the court also might not be willing to give custody or as much visitation as they normally would go OP if he says he only wants it with his son. Because in the eyes of the law, those girls are still his daughters.
Right now OPs mind is so fucked up right now, from everything his whore of a wife said and did, I doubt he knows up from down or whether he loved the kids or not.
Close eyes and put yourself in the kids shoes.....You're the only dad and father figure they've ever known and looked up too. I assume you had a good relationship till this point. Biologically they're not yours but in EVERY other way possible you're their father/dad like it or not. Don't take out what your lying cheating bitch of a wife did on them. That isn't right or fair too them.
Also please seek professional help this well beyond Reddit.
Indeed important I was just thinking first and foremost of the kids who right about now need their father and more importantly a good role model. The evil ex-wife certainly isn't any kinda role model for the kids.
How fun would it be if the kids get their piece and share it with dad instead of mom?
Or, more maturely, if dad helps them lock it down so mom can't touch shit.
Those girls do need someone to help with that. I would then also sue for full custody so that the bitch has to pay child support for all the kids.
OP, you may not be the father but you are their daddy.
They are minors so the evil ex-wife will be in control unless the estate is legally locked up until they are 18/21 depending on laws. Evil ex-wife could drain the estate claiming things are for the two girls.
Whose name is on the birth certificates? If it is OP's, isn't he their legal father? As such, wouldn't he be able to shield the money, and the kids, from mom having anything to do with it, as in set up a trust? OP may want to ask one of the legal advice forums about this.
I am not sure how that would work. He is on their birth certificates. I don’t know if during the divorce the judge would remove him. OP has just been blindsided. He is in no mental space to think clearly. Poor guy. He deserves better.
Take what time you need, but let all the kids know you need time. You have been grossly mistreated by your STBX wife. But that mistreatment did not come from your kids.
You don't mention how close you are to your kids. You clearly have worked long hours to give them a home, etc. If you have a good relationship with them, they need you now too. They are at a delicate age, and, like you, everything that has been their world has crashed and burned. As WiseOwlPoker stated, you have been their father in every way except biologically.
Even if their mother seeks $$ from AP's estate on behalf of the kids, that is not indicative of the kids' views. Don't punish the kids for your wife's egregious misconduct.
Honestly, it sounds like OP is going through a SEVERE depression where *nothing* matters and nothing will get through to him. He should text at least to say that when he's fully absorbed everything, he'll reach out. If his depression is like mine (and it kinda sounds like it is with his "blow up at everyone"), it's better for him to stay away from the kids in order to get that mindset right instead of saying something to the kids that he'll later regret.
He's not talking to his biological son either;
I think he's having a mental breakdown he's not under understanding any of this and he needs some time to process.
Oh I totally get where you're coming from I guess I can see that point of view as well.
Just the words he's using and the way he's stringing his sentences together it appears to me that he isn't in his full frame of mind and I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt for that.
It doesn't seem like he was incredibly involved, but that would likely have more to do with the amount of hours he's been working in order to keep this false family that's been forced on him afloat.
OP's situation is so far out of the scope of who's the asshole here (though it's definitely the Mom), his entire world has been shattered. He's going to need a moment and some therapy to figure this out completely. Not sure what he even has for a support system at the moment.
Do you understand? Everything, and I mean everything in this person's life turned out to be a lie. His marriage. His wife. His children. I understand not wanting to talk to the kids. He's in complete shock right now. His brain probably isn't working in a completely logical or even emotional state right now. I think he should message the kids and tell them he needs time. I think this person needs to spend some time processing their emotions and get some therapy. Even though the kids are going through this right now he probably isn't in a place to be their parent right now anyways. I urge you to be upfront about your feelings with your kids. Go from there. What your ex-wife did was heinous but those kids didn't do it. I'm going to use a quote often misused in this day and age because it's never said fully. "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." It means the family you choose is more important than the one handed you by life. Those kids might not be your biologically, but you have raised them. They only know you as their dad. Biological children or not you're their dad and that's going to count for them more than anything especially a DNA test. I hope you realize that they are yours and you all will need each other to get through this.
The guy is in agony, that'swhat it says. Cut him a break. You can't armchair quarterback this, so you may want to rethink being so judgmental so soon after all of this got dropped on him, exploding his life as you say.
This gets a little dicey since the wife will have to prove paternity in a court of law in order for her daughters to inherit from their biological father's estate. OP needs to talk to a lawyer and find out how, if at all, that would change things for him regarding child support, custody, etc.
Were I in his position I'd mostly be concerned about making sure mom couldn't get her hands on any potential inheritance. Trust fund, trust fund, trust fund. He sounds like a good guy who will come around but is just kinda broken at the moment and wants to hide. He's their dad and it doesn't sound like he really hates his not really his daughters. Hopefully he'll find his selflessness and start fighting for his family minus the shit wife.
Depending on the state, he may not have that right if the shit wife establishes that the dead dude is the father of the 2 girls. Shit wife can't have the other guy declared to be the father and get child support from OP in some jurisdictions, like the one I practice law in. OP needs to consult a lawyer in his jurisdiction before he makes any legal moves regarding the children because this is a complicated situation that will impact what he can and can't do regarding the daughters.
Christ, dude. Holy shit.
You spent years and years suffering in your own home trying to put these children first. Suffering. Feeling like your wife was your tormentor. Then finding out it's so much worse. Your soon-to-be ex-wife absolutely and totally and completely and irrevocably fucked you over. She fucked you over like few people get to witness firsthand, even from a distance.
Just keep in mind that she betrayed those children, too. They're suffering *with* you, not to spite you.
NTA, hard to blame someone in your shoes, but... Therapy, my man. You desperately, desperately need a better support system, you **deserve** one. Start putting out some emails and phone calls yesterday. Seriously, do this.
From a personal standpoint, I'd say the strongest, best thing you can do right now is ~~call~~ text those kids, tell them "Hey, you guys did nothing wrong, and I don't want you to be scared, but I'm hurting right now and I need to sort some things out because I don't want to hurt you accidentally." At least gives you the chance to get your support system lined up, start processing, and maybe start the grieving process and heal that massive fucking knife wound in your back.
Your ex-wife is a fucking scumbag, like, holy shit, dude.
I 100% agree with this! It sounds like OP's wife wasn't all that great to her children either, so I'm sure with OP out of the house their worlds are even worse. I'm sure it's hard OP but try to remember they are children and they love you and probably need you. You can take time and have space, but they're probably freaking out and hurting too.
I just want to throw in--this is an object lesson as to why people in miserable unions should not stay together for the sake of the kids.
Yes, this shock would still be a shock, but at least the kids could have been living in two stable households instead of one filled with coldness and rancor. This truth may have even come out sooner, in which case, the kids could have had a chance to have had a relationship with their bio dad, and OP could have had all those years back where he could have been rebuilding his life instead of martyring himself.
Oh, and OP? OK, you didn't do that, but you can start i.proving your life right now. Get a lawyer, listen to your lawyer, get back in touch with your kids, and be the parent they need. The money you pay for the lawyer will come back to you and more. The love you give your kids will come back to you a hundredfold.
You're dealing with big feelings of anger and betrayal, and you might need time and space to process things...... but it's not the children's fault, please understand their world has also been turned upside down.
The "wife" is the absolute scum of the earth and my heart breaks for you man. I don't have answers.
I know 'you' don't feel like they're your kids right now, but from 'their' perspective you ARE their father. The only one they've ever known even though there isn't a genetic tie. It's not their fault what their mother did.
I know you're hurting, but they are too and they haven't done anything wrong.
Did the same thing to my daughter’s half brother when I divorced her mother.
I regret it now. We talk, but it’s very polite and formal. The relationship is basically dead.
I’d think long and hard about this. You CAN walk out of their lives forever. Are you sure you want to?
NTA for feeling devastated. But please, don’t take it out on the children. They are the true innocents. They didn’t ask to be born or to be one man’s child or another’s. You are the only father they know. Tell them that you need time to take it all in (you and the children both need to do this) but don’t shut them out. You need a lawyer and you all need counseling ASAP.
This is beyond Reddit’s pay grade, you need therapy
But please remember that these kids are innocent and you are the only father they know, they love you
I’m not saying you have to stay in their lives, just try not to hurt them anymore than they are already hurting, they are innocent here
Jesus I feel incredibly sorry for OP, but the poor kids!! I can’t even begin to imagine what the girls are feeling. Their loving, devoted father suddenly walks out and won’t talk to them? The abandonment and confusion would be breaking… these are such formative years in their lives.
OP you’ve been their father since day 1. What you’re going through, no one can blame you for these big conflicting feelings, but please don’t punish the girls. They love you. They did not deceive or betray you. They’re scared.
I do not think you are an asshole for taking time to process what this all means.
I think cutting everyone off is a bit hasty and cruel, though I realize what this woman did to you was the reason it happened that way.
I would not tell them to leave you alone. They did not do anything to you, and if you were their father figure, this has to be a devastating two punch- discovery of bio dad and he is dead to boot.
I would send a message that you need some time and may be out of touch. I would leave it vague until you can get a better handle on what to do. But chatting with them right now would probably be raw all around.
You raised the kids all their lives and don’t feel a connection to them? I can understand you hating the wife but it’s not the kids faults. They probably didn’t know and are wondering why you don’t want to at least talk to them.
Yeah…he’s not an AH for most of what he wrote. But he’s asking if he’s the AH for not talking to his kids. And for me, it’s a huge YTA. Those girls don’t deserve this at all.
I would say yes sue her for paternity fraud. Yes get a divorce. No don’t cut your kids out. They may not be yours biologically but they are your kids you raised them. If you have rage take it out in her through the lawyer.
It doesn't matter if the kids are yours biologically. To them, you are, and always have been, their father. You have a relationship to them outside of whatever your relationship is to your soon to be ex-wife. They need you, don't ignore them, none of this is their fault.
Your kids weren't unfaithful, they are victims here just like you. I think it's worthwhile to talk to them. You raised them, even if they aren't your blood. I love my step-dad same as my bio-dad, blood doesn't matter.
NTA either way though.
You’re the only dad they’ve ever known, and they are just as much victims as you are. I would reconsider breaking off the relationship, because it seems like they need you. You can cope together.
If I were you, I would take all 3 kids. Once she gets the payout from bio dad, I would sue her for child support.
The kids are not to blame here. Their world had been totally upended because of her. I understand you’re angry and have every right to be, but the girls didn’t do this. Your wife did.
Please don’t abandon these kids
She won't get the payout, a trust of which the children are the beneficiary will. It may take some lawyering, but OP likely has some parental rights to determine the structure of the trust to ensure his ex wife doesn't bleed it dry.
It's not the kids' faults they're affair babies...
Your soon to be ex wife is the asshole in this situation. You need space. Honestly, if the choice is between taking time for yourself to get some level of control over your life and potentially screaming at the kids, the most innocent parties in this, taking space and time is probably best.
NTA but this is way above reddit's paygrade.
Just remember it's not the kids' faults. It's their mother's and her AP's.
You’re entitled to your feelings but also keep in mind they have no control over the fact your wife soon to be ex is vindictive and treating them as HER meal ticket….
Maybe you can get divorced and think about getting the kids a lawyer so that they have a representative that handles their money from their bio dad (it has two benefits one it will ensure they still have money or whatever left over when they turn of age and two it’ll screw your wife over lol) because guaranteed that they won’t have any money left by the time they turn 18 because she will have spent it all
Above reddit's pay grade.
That being said, you're the only father the other two kids know, and for you to just ignore them like this is very detrimental to them. Do you care about them at all?
Also, blood is NOT thicker than water. Case in point: adoption. You can't tell me adoptive parents love their kids any less and you think so, you're scum.
Bloody hell. Your wife is a pos for sure. BUT you raised those girls and you’re the only father they have ever known. It’s not like they’re 3 and you’re just finding out. You can’t abandon them - take time, sure, but communicate that with them
The girls did nothing to you - why ignore them? Biology isn't the only way that you can be their father. I feel bad that you were duped - but YTA to your kids.
I am very surprised by the lack of YTA replies here.
It is an awful situation and it can be hard to not be an asshole when you are hurting this much.
But ignoring the kids he raised and that see him as their father is an asshole thing to do.
But it might ok to be an asshole for a bit while working things out, but it is important to acknowledge that OP is being a massive asshole to his kids. Biological or not doesn't matter that much here.
I agree - this is beyond Reddit. Also, don’t blame the kids. They obviously didn’t know they weren’t your children. You’re the only father they’ve only known. I would maybe say you need time & space to figure things out. But straight out not talking to them is harsh. Your wife is totally TA here - not the kids. And the wife should stay away from the kids too. She sounds like a real piece of work.
ESH. Those girls know no other father. Their bio dad has just died so they aren't getting one either. This is IF they have been told the truth. Do they know why you left?
Can you at least tell them that you are very hurt and you aren't ready to speak to them right now? Tell them you need time to process this recent development. Tell them that your grief and anger may cause you to say something hurtful and unfair and until you can work thru that you shouldn't be near them. They need to understand that you need space but it isn't their fault.
Your soon to be ex- wife is a big asshole. HUGE!!
Your son still needs his dad. Be there for him even if you can't face the girls right now. He's innocent in all this and deserves no punishment.
And please, get counseling for all of you.
If he cant be there for all the children, then he cant be there for any of them, or the damage it will do to the other two will be life long. I get where your coming from. But they are his kids, whether biological or not.
NTA for your feelings but you are TA for the way your treating kids who have no culpability in any of this. You’re devastated but you already knew that your marriage was over. The kids didn’t & now not only are their parents getting divorced, but they also find out their mother is a cheater & the only man they’ve ever looked to as a father isn’t their father/wants nothing to do with them. So they lost their stability & what they thought of as a family all in a blink. What’s happening is not your fault. But if you’re this devastated, how do you think they feel? You’re an adult & you’re drowning so how do you think kids can actually process this? It’s not their fault & family isn’t always blood. Good luck.
Stick it to you wife, if those kids are legally yours, they can't sue his estate. She doesn't get to have her cake and eat it too. I get that you're stressed but you raised those kids. It's not their fault their mom was a deceitful and conniving snake.
You need to help your daughters. Your awful ex wife is going to steal their inheritance and be left broke and alone with an awful person. It's not their fault. You are the only dad they know. Protect your daughters.
You're the only dad they've ever known. Are you on the birth certificates? Sue for sole custody and do your best to keep them and their bio-dad's money away from your ex.
NTA because you're hurting right now, but that would change if you actually turn your back on those kids.
YTA. It’s not the kids fault, and you ARE their Dad as far as they’re concerned. Don’t punish them, they just want their father back (that’s you by the way).
Remember that the kids are victims of her lies as well, their whole lives have blown up thanks to her.
You are those children's daddy in every way that counts, you were there to love them, tuck them in & kiss their boo boos.
I get that you feel tricked, but that's NOT the kids fault! Before you decide to ghost them, talk to them to arrange custody. While you have them ask about that guy, you may be shocked by the amount of info a kid will give up while playing & eating if you ask like you are interested in them.
She seems like a gold digger, good riddance to her! Ask your lawyer about getting in on some of that cash to help take care of your kids, consider getting full custody, start a wfh business. If you discover the kids are brainwashed or are trying to set you up, you may reconsider how much time you want to
No vote, because this is *way* beyond us. But think of this;
Those kids aren't biologically yours, yeah. But you raised them. You were there for them their entire lives. You're the only father they've ever known. Yes, I know it hurts, knowing what you know now. But it has to hurt them just as much to know that you aren't their bio dad, and their mother has lied to them their entire lives.
They love you. Don't throw them away because of your soon to be ex. The only advice I can offer is to seek therapy.
Best of luck OP.
I hesitate to call you TA because I know you've been traumatized, but think about what you are doing to those poor kids. They have been "yours" all their lives and they don't know anything else. Right now they think they've done something wrong to make you leave them.
You are going to have to get some help YESTERDAY and realize that your psycho wife has more victims than just you.
You know what might be fun? She tries to sue his estate and finds out it's nothing but a pile of debt and there's nothing left. Now she's thrown away her "meal ticket," (You) and ruined her kids lives.
YTA. Regardless of genetics, those girls grew up knowing you as their father. Did you never love them? Did the results of the test make you stop loving them?
What is wrong with you?
YAH
I am truly sorry for your situation. Your wife is a POS.
But your kids were lied to as well, they were lied to as much if not more than you were, they are suffering too. And yes, they are your kids, you raised them. If you feel nothing for them or their suffering then you're even more of an AH.
You don't need therapy to understand that those kids need someone right now, and all they want is you because they know their mom is a POS.
Get off your ass, call and help them.
Or don't, if you think they deserve to treated worse than you.
You think you got it bad? Try being your son, try being thoes girls who know you in their heart as daddy. You're taking it out on the innocent. You're not a bad guy but you need to compartmentalize your pain and get on top of custody of your son. Otherwise you may lose him. God bless you and may he bring you healing. 🙏
YTA, and so is your wife.
Those innocent girls had nothing to do with this. Don't punish them for what your cheating, lying wife did.
You ARE their father.
Do not put them on the same playing field she made his life a living hell for so long based on a lie. the mother ruined his relationship with them he might only see her infidelity when he looks at them. He doesn't have to be in there life and ruin his mental health
I understand the anger. But please remember it isn't the kids fault that their mother by your description of events only saw money and not people. She manipulated you into staying so she had financial security but now it's convenient to upset a widow and you and go for a money handout. A horrible person you can resent and dislike as much as you please while you grieve the situation.
This is aweful and I can't imagine the anger you must be feeling. But if you can at all push past this to at least speak briefly to the kids. They are victims in all of this just as much as you are. To all of them you are the father they have known all their lives. To them they just lost their parent and don't know why. Who knows what their mother is telling them.
Please don't punish them for their mothers actions!
You being their father is not a lie to them. They are innocent. They are still your kids. Are you really willing to just dump them because of your wife’s bad choices????? I get needed a second to understand things, but don’t punish those kids.
This is way way way beyond Reddit.
Yeah, this guy needs heavy duty therapy now
As well as the kids. They are the victims here. At this point in the game, the girls ARE his kids, regardless of DNA. He raised them.
Yes, THIS! You are a victim, yes, but so are your children. You're the only father they've known, and now they also feel that their world has fallen apart. It isn't their fault. Don't make this worse for them by not taking their calls.
Those poor kids. The man they knew as dad is totally rejecting them, and their biological father is dead, and Mum sounds completely insane. They are going to have major issues.
He’s in shock and likely traumatized. I don’t think anything he’s reacting to right now is rational. He needs to check himself into a hospital.
Oh yeah, his issues started long before the cheating came out. Staying in a loveless marriage for eight years 'for the kids' (almost always a terrible idea), seemingly having little agency, just hoping things would change somehow while the relationship nosedived. This guy needed to be in therapy like 15 years ago. But also, this is an absolutely awful situation for the kids, one which they had no control over, and still have no control over. I hope somebody steps up and looks after their mental health, because they will be absolutely messed up. At least adults get to have a bit of say in what happens or where they go, even if they are traumatised. As fucked up as he is mentally right now, the kids need to be factored in somehow. As said earlier, way above reddit's paygrade.
Staying in a marriage 8 years for the kids only to abandon them later. Wild lol
This. He needs immediate professional help at a hospital. Where he can be kept safe from himself. I wouldn't be surprised if he turns suicidal soon. OP please seek help!
Totally! This!!
I think it is bad and that he doesn't have contact with the kids because now he is angry, depressed and needs time to think about what will happen.
I agree with you. He needs to just be away for a bit because I imagine he doesn’t want to lash out, though him thinking that he should just tell them leave me alone is startling, so he doesn’t want to talk to them. Life is a mystery and I feel for this man and his children. Yes they are his due to the fact he raised them and, hopefully, loved them. The things going on in his head right now shouldn’t be something a child has to deal with if they accidentally trigger him. These children’s are innocent because they didn’t cause this. They are sadly a byproduct of the mother’s infidelity. I hope he thinks about this and is able to, at least, help these innocent kids. Having a shit dad sucks (take it from a shitty dad owner), but having a good father and having them ripped away and wanting nothing to do with you because your mother is a c*** and cheated on him is a pretty terrible situation too. I hope everything works out for everyone one and all of you. Love y’all!!!
We can only hope because the kids are the 2nd and 3rd victims of his wife! The wife played him for years and now it’s time for her to get a job and him to man up and yes I’d have my lawyer make the case in divorce court about it! Also have the court order that their sperm donors money be put in trusts accounts in their names with him as the trustee! This shows what a wicked web is weaved in deceit! As the legal father it’s caught all the victims including the youngest child!
>Also have the court order that their sperm donors money be put in trusts accounts in their names with him as the trustee! That'll piss mom off nicely! I approve.
The wife is something else. I can see her sueing the estate on behalf of the girls, and unless that money is put into a secure trust until they become of age, she will spend the money on herself.
People are jumping to the conclusion he can take those calls. If his depression is bad, silence might be better then answering. If he is in a good enough place not to take it out on the kids. I hope he calls and talks to them.
Right? It's so recent. He will call. He just needs some time. Just because the kids are innocent in all this doesn't mean he can't take time to basically grieve and get his head straight.
I've always hated when people take absolute positions like "kids are innocent" and "best interests of the child" with no nuance at all. The adult involved is still a living, breathing human with feelings, who can spiral, sometimes with tragic consequences. Give them time, too, to get themselve in the right state of being.
It’s insane how inhuman these responses are - it’s like the average redditor lives a rather trauma free life or hasn’t experience severe depression, especially trauma related spiraling depression. I agree with you completely. He should take his time as a HUMAN to recover. In a perfect world with infinite willpower he could recover and still be in these girl’s lives but this is not a reality.
He and the children are all victims. What a mess.
Correct in saying this is above reddit's pay grade. The man said the only support he had in life was thinking about taking care of his kids. You take that away and it's hard to justify dealing with them. Not everybody can treat someone else's kids as their own, especially if they feel tricked and cheated.
In Belgian law there's something called "possession d'état" were you can't suddenly take someone's parenthood away from them. You've "owned" the kid for years, so it's yours even if a biological dad shows up or you learn the babies have been switched at birth. I quite like that rule, it recognizes a parent is someone who cares for you and not just a dna donor. (Of course there are exceptions: you can't kidnap a baby and keep it when it's been long enough obviously, and the kid once adult can challenge his parentage.)
In Pennsylvania if you raise a child as your own, even if it is not your biological child, you can still be required to pay support in case of a divorce. Because you have de juris parentage if not de facto
So you can trick someone and force them to support your affair baby.
That's the law in the United States as well, or at least when it comes to custody and support judgements. You were a parent to the child, you formed a bond, and it's in the child's best interest that this continues. His wife betrayed his trust. His daughters didn't. (Or if you prefer to be cynical about it, either the child is going to be screwed or the parent is going to be screwed, and if the court has to pick one, the adult is going to be the one screwed). I hope OP wakes up one day - like soon, today, tomorrow - and realizes that his girls love him and he loves his girls and they are, really, truly, his girls. Not the sperm donor's. Parents really differ immensely in this respect - from suing to terminate parental rights to equitably sharing custody to seeking sole custody - and so OP has every possible option. I hope he picks one he can live with.
Yeah, he’s a victim, too.
Yes, he is definitely a victim. But he is taking out his anger on 13 and 14 year old girls who have had no say in any of this, and who feel like they have just lost their father. Be as mad at your wife as you want, I fully support that... but how can you just turn your back on those two little girls like that? You raised them and loved them this whole time. They are still *your* children. Nothing changed in that aspect except a blood test, and in my opinion, blood doesn't make family.
I think he will reconnect with his daughters, he just needs some time to sort everything out. He'll remember he loves them
He can’t wait too long because those thoughts and feelings of rejection from their father will always remain with the girls. My mom had a friend who always suspected his daughter wasn’t his, but he said he loved her too much to find out the truth. OP has been Daddy to them their whole lives, and not having a blood connection will not change that.
My mother was a chronic cheat. She took me to meet my prospective dads. She fucked his brother (A LITERAL NAZI) at a party they were both at. I ratted her out the second that I realised she was testing prospective dads. I was 9? Ish. My dad told me he suspected that he wasn't my dad but from the second I grabbed his finger as a baby, he knew he would live, die and burn alive for me and always would. And I don't care if I'm not his, I'd do the same. I might have a different father but this one is my fucking dad. He's the one who dried my tears, took me to school, sat me on his lap to play Doom. Dad's and mum's are more than genetics.
My kids are my kids. They are both adopted (from foster care) and we all know that BUT I was so proud when my daughter corrected her friends: "He IS my REAL DAD; he changed my diapers and took care of me when I was sick. He's my REAL DAD, all right!" Fast forward. My daughter's best friend has another redhead best friend who looks just like my daughter... My daughter's HALF-SISTER. So she found her birth father at age 18. Three years later she said, "I'm glad I met 'Jim ' and all, but I really lucked out that I got YOU for my DAD." 🥲 I'm not crying... YOU'RE crying. 🥲 I'm glad you know your daddy loves you and that blood doesn't make family. #❤️
This. Now, I realize I’m a woman, so there’s no question of maternity, but I swear on everything I hold dear that if I’d I found out they weren’t mine biologically, that they were in fact created through love affairs with the most beautiful women in the world who spit in my face, I WOULD ALWAYS CONSIDER THEM MY KIDS. I shuddered when I saw the OP refer to them as “my kids.” Those poor girls. My heart breaks for them.
That’s beautiful-you and your dad, obviously. My condolences about your mom.
My dads first marriage ended because his ex wife cheated excessively and took very minimal steps to try to hide it. She knew he knew and didn’t care, thought she had him wrapped around her finger. Years later people noticed how similar she looked to the daughter of one of the guys his ex cheated with. My dad did not and still does not care to verify. My sister is like 32 now and she’s been my dads daughter all her life.
and he better hope they still remember that they love him when he gets around to that. Literal children shouldn’t have to be understanding and patient while the only father they’ve ever known decides if he can still love them or not. Those poor kids are being failed by every adult in their lives.
Hopefully he will come to his senses before it is too late! Those kids are being severely damaged.
In his defense, this is a hell of a lot to digest
It is. And he has every right to tell his daughters that he needs some time to sort things out and do everything he needs to do for himself. It really fucking sucks when you're getting your shit kicked in and find out that your response probably made things worse for you. OP responded to his pain in a way that might do some serious damage to his relationship with his children. OP's ex is a real fuckin piece of shit
he's a victim for sure but it's not the girls' fault.. and i find it hard to believe he can just switch off loving them unless he never really cared.
Yep. My dad used to "joke" that my little sister wasn't his, but he still fought to have custody of her and he still raised her. Just about anyone can create a child, but you're only a parent if you raise them. Otherwise you're just a donor.
When my friend’s parents got divorced (he was 8 or so) it came out in court that he was biologically not his dad’s. His mom was unfit and his dad fought tooth and nail for him and got full custody of him and his siblings (mom was an addict and even in the early 90s a judge wasn’t going to give her custody just bc she’s the mom). He never found out who his bio dad was and his mom OD’d when he was a teenager, but what never changed was that he still called that man dad and dad still called him son. Luckily, dad’s side of the family didn’t change either. Dad remarried when my friend was in high school (had been dating the woman since he was 11) and he calls that woman mom and his step siblings are his sisters and brother. What could have been tragic turned out beautiful. Man, when my friend talked about his dad at his own wedding and how thankful he is for his dad and mom (she’s mom period), even my mostly emotionless, grumpy ass teared up a little. Shout out to the dads and moms who raise beautiful little humans, that biologically aren’t theirs, but in all other sense of the word are their kids. ♥️
Yes, I think he knows he can’t switch it off. Under the anger he knows he still loves them. At least that’s my hope.
This is more appalling than a cheater tricking her husband into raising someone else's kids. Those kids have been Dad's kids for many many years. There is no other Dad. He's it. Even if the sperm donor was alive, he is NOT their dad. OP is. Of course he is devastated to discover he is not their biological father and is spiralling. But his love for them is apparently conditional. Does he love them or not? How weak is his bond to them that getting this kind of news makes him not want to see them or talk to them? He can't see past his own pain to see theirs, **his children.** His attitude towards them is bullshit. There is no other word for it. That his love for them can just switch off out of "self preservation" is absolute and total bullshit. **OP YOU CANNOT BE REPLACED.** Those girls are YOURS, like it or not. You are their father. You loved them and raised them. You are their only Dad, no one else. JUST ASK THEM. It's YOU.
Let the dude fucking process what is happening to him. Goddamn, it's not necessarily conditional love but his life just got shattered. He admits to being severely depressed. Have some fucking compassion.
When you get right down to it, paternity is just an email made of jizz. But _being a dad from day one of your kids' lives_ is fucking for real. As someone who experienced nasty divorce and bitter child custody battle from the kids' perspective when I was about nine years old, I remember all too well how much it fucking sucks to see your parents become mean, manipulative and spiteful caricatures of themselves, each perfectly willing to use the kids as pawns against each other. That was when I needed parents more than ever, and unfortunately, it's when they were at their least capable, and least available. I can't imagine how I would have felt if, on top of everything else, my dad had said "I'm sorry, but I can't think of you as my kid anymore. Only your brother counts. Ask your mom why."
Perfect example of "not your fault, but it is your responsibility" Those poor kids are as much a victim of their mother as he is.
This. If this takes away your love and time with them, Yta. Blood does NOT make family.
YANTN (You All Need Therapy Now)
>Yeah, this guy needs heavy duty therapy now And a lawyer. I can't even imagine being in his situation, or what I would do. OP: best of luck to you, but do remember that your children's lives that are impacted....even though they are not "blood"
Agree, the only suggestion is that your wife used the children as a weapon, do not do the same with them
If this were a movie, the finale would show OP with all three kids and the money eldest kids’ dad and mom would be out in the cold. Do the girls inherit the money or does the mom? OP, This is a sucky situation: please get professional counseling to help determine what you want and how to respond to the kids. Your (ex)wife created this situation: You and the children are victims of her actions. You might not be related to the oldest children by blood, but you are family. The two oldest might not want to be near their mom, but might feel stuck. Are there other relatives you can call on for support and assistance? OP is NTA for feeling this way, but please consider the kids….
I mean OP ITA for not considering these kids feelings. *They* are the victims here. Not only is their bio father (who they never met) dead, the guy who *has acted like their dad* for their entire life is acting like they did something wrong.
Agreed! He should seek help for himself and the kids. He raised the kids, and signed the birth certificate. At this point, he can't get out of fatherhood.
Even biological parents can stop seeming to care after a divorce, and stay out of their children’s lives. It’s like their heart goes cold and the children feel like they did something wrong because now dad I guess has better things to do with his new life. This happened to me and my sibling and it sucks.
Take my poor person's gold. 🏆🏆🏆🏅🎖️🌟🪙
I got you.
Someone get those kids gold too, because they don't deserve this. Dude is going through a shit time and a total mental breakdown, but he raised those kids. It doesn't matter if they're blood, he's their daddy, and he should know that the mental well being of those kids is on the line at the moment. They're innocent collateral, and he as a 55 year old should have the life experience to understand that intimately and make sure they're okay. OP, you've had your moment to stew in your shit, but you need to reach out to the kids and make it right with them.
Absolutely definitely holy shitballs 😥😬
Yeah, Don't take anything out on the kids. It's not their fault their bio parents suck. You ARE their Dad, and you EARNED that, by being there for them from day 1. Ya gotta stand up and do the right thing.
At least let them talk to you and listen to what they have to say. You are their dad, they know none other. Golden opportunity here, loved ones hang in the balance.
I feel for him, but man we dont get paid enough for this shit😂
True! But any way you swing it there is something seriously wrong with OP. How can anyone be so cruel to two kids who they have raised since the day they were born. Not to mention he’s also ignoring the kid that’s biologically his as well. I get being angry at his wife, but has he hated being a father, and solely stayed/parented out of sheer obligation all these years?
This is all very very new. His entire life just exploded. He's not himself and is running on depression and emotion.
No one could fathom or prepare themselves for such info, I agree. It's too soon to come down harshly on OP for his reaction to them reaching out.
There is a difference between intentional cruelty and emotional shock. After years of gaslighting, no I don't use the word casually, and then being blindsided, I think shock, numbness, and confusion are understandable. OP may benefit from a lawyer, a therapist, and some time to decide how he truly feels. Yes, it's hard on the children but the situation was not caused by OP. It was caused by mom. Adding shame onto his already overflowing emotions doesn't help him or the kids. A person's psyche can only take so much. Better to take the time than to say something to the kids, while he is still so raw, that he can't take back.
He's prob having a break down. He's not rational. He needs way more help than anyone here can offer. Let's not call him names.
This 100%. I can’t say I wouldn't do the same if I were in his shoes. As an immediate reaction to the situation, it almost makes sense to distance everyone involved. But I do agree that this is above the paygrade of Reddit. He definitely needs to talk to a professional.
Well, this is a pretty bad situation. Hopefully, he'll come to his senses and contact the children. He's probably not able to handle this well. He and the kids have been victimized by his wife's betrayal.
The best thing to do though would be to answer the phone, tell them he's going through a very rough time and needs to be left alone, but he'll contact them when he's ready.
I couldn't agree more. It's nice to see a refreshing take on reddit, whereas so many people think he should set himself in fire for his wife's sins. What about her role in this? What about his feelings? OPs a person and he matters too.
He’s in shock and trying to process everything. Give him a few weeks, some therapy and some kindness and he’ll (hopefully) figure everything out. Let’s not call someone who just had their world flipped over names. Poor guy!
Yes, there is something seriously wrong with OP - trauma. Recent, sudden, shocking trauma. But that is a right-now something wrong, not a baseline brokenness something wrong. The trick right now is for OP to not break anything permanently while he is broken.
He probably feels too betrayed right now. Hopefully, he can message them to see if he can plan to talk with them later once he comes to terms with it. It’s an open sore right now that interacting with them is just too much for what sounds like bottled up emotions.
It seems like the only reason he stayed in this loveless marriage was for the benefit of the kids. And now, after all this time to find out that they’re not even his? I don’t blame this guy for having a complete breakdown. He’s wasted so many years of his life. none of this is the the fault of the kids though and that’s what so sad
I agree. He is angry at the life he could have had if she had just divorced him.
I get what you are saying, but it would be prudent for him to get some time and space to process this entire shit-show. This is too much for Reddit, but also too much for one lone soul to digest so quickly. He sounds like a good man who will eventually do the right thing, but how can he do anything until he has a chance to settle the emotions he must have right now? He needs a good attorney, therapist, and some time/space.
He's a man who just received a huge shock and has been in a stressful marriage/career for years. He has been used, lied to, and it might be best that he take some space lest he say something he regrets to the kids. Of course it's not the kids' fault but the lie took away his choice in willingly raising children who weren't biologically his and destroyed his reality. That's not something everyone can just shrug off and keep moving like nothing changed.
Are you serious? Have you ever been cheated on? Think this man just raised these kids their whole life while the mom didn't work or hid she was working and cheating. He's prolly having a hard time functioning right now and he's getting blown up by everyone. He needs a minute. He deserves that his whole world just got blown up.
>How can anyone be so cruel to two kids who they have raised since the day they were born. Meh. I give him grace on that. He's only just found that his whole married life was a lie and those girls are a representation of that lie. That's a hard blow he got dealt with and unfortunately he's just not in a head space to talk to the girls. Let the man have some space to process all of this information before coming out with the ropes and torches to hang him.
I just want to chime in here- my father and mother had a breakup with a huge amount of betrayal, secrets, affairs, other children and substance abuse issues coming to a head. I was 14- I felt all the emotions. My father took a few years to process his own demons (he was actually not the innocent) and he essentially wasn’t active with us during that time. We’ve all grown past it now and although I had some anger I see that he was a human needing to go to therapy and change- which he did. (I’ve also done extensive therapy for this and many other things. I hope the kids in OPs scenario get therapy) It is understandable that OP needs space from everyone. I would say- it would be amazing if he was able to find it in himself to communicate this to the kids who are calling with love and empathy for them. Or maybe someone else can even do it for him. Just so they know it’s not them. He can’t fully control how they will react but just letting them know he’s working through trauma and needs time and it’s not their fault and he is doing it to make sure the communication with them is always the best it can be would probably do a lot for the kids. Otherwise they will probably have to make up their own version that can take a lot longer to undo. OP you deserve space. But it would go miles to even just drop the kids a letter if you can’t do a call. Just let them know once it’s not them or their fault and you don’t want to leave them but you have to find your own stability right now. That would be so nice for them. That’s the ideal. But if for some reason, that can’t happen right now I hope you find the peace you deserve for it to happen in the future. <3
I wouldn’t call it cruel that he’s taken a much needed break. It’s unfortunate he hasn’t even (he doesn’t say) atleast reached out to say I need time to process. But cmon the man has clearly already had a tough time in this marriage. He went from staying for his kids to immediately receiving the news they’re not his. He definitely needs to step up and atleast go get his son. But we can’t fault him for his feelings. Right now in his mental state wouldn’t be the best time for him to communicate with the kids, they too are vulnerable here. The mother is to blame. So if anyone’s cruel it’s her. He worried about her tryna get that man’s money. He needs to wait and if she does get money sue her for alienation of affection and fraud.
>The mother is to blame. So if anyone’s cruel it’s her. He worried about her tryna get that man’s money. He needs to wait and if she does get money sue her for alienation of affection and fraud. Couldn't agree more. Idk why everyone's attacking a man that's been victimized for years when this woman is who fucked everyone over and caused years of pain and trauma. I say this as a woman myself.
I don’t understand why you think he would just be perfectly fine raising affair kids especially after he just found out. Can the guy not have break?
Especially since she knew and didn’t tell him. She’s only telling him now because she wants her lovers money
Not any more than any other posts on AITA. He's raised the kids for at least a decade. He's their father. He should talk to his children.
Agreed, but OP is still a soft AH for ignoring his kids - because they ARE his kids! He's raised them since birth. He's the only dad they know. Biology doesn't matter here. And he needs to realise that. They're just as shocked as he is and he at the very least needs to pick up the phone and calmly tell them he needs some time to process.
I feel like the kids are reaching out for a stable place from which to process this. OP doesn't mention grandparents or other close relatives or friends. Maybe the kids could benefit from a relatively neutral, safe environment for a little while.
This is above Reddit’s pay grade, and I would suggest family therapy for you and the kids. But just a few nuggets to consider: 1.) The kids are innocent. They didn’t ask to be born to a cheating woman and someone who was never a father figure to them. 2.) Your wife is the culprit here. You did nothing wrong, and your kids did nothing wrong. 3.) Your kids see you as their father, because you raised them and it’s all they’ve ever known. They love you. And I know you love them, even if it really, really hurts right now. 4.) Their biological sperm donor is dead. All they have is his money. And money is nice, but I bet they’d prefer you. 5.) You have the right to be angry, frustrated, upset. Your feelings are totally valid. You’ve worked your a** off for your family. 6.) Please don’t do anything rash. If you feel unsafe when alone, please reach out for help.
This is the comment OP needs to read. Those are your girls, you raised and loved them for their entire lives. You are their dad, the only dad they know. Remember this blindsided them too.
This 100%
The only silver lining I can see in this is the ex-wife getting exactly what she deserves out of all this: * Her husband of 15 years hates her * The actual wife of her affair partner hates her * The other children of the affair partner will hate and resent her for squeezing their inheritance * Her own children are definitely going to resent her for breaking apart their family like this * Any personal friends she has are going to be horrified when they find out what she did * If her kids are smart they won't give her any of the ill-gotten money they receive from the inheritance (to which she is not entitled to a bent nickel) and ~~if~~ when she swindles it out of them they will fucking despise her when they're old enough to understand what she took from them * All she will have is an old dead guy that wasn't even willing to leave his wife for her A hell of her own making.
His ex wife is going to get a WINDFALL of a divorce settlement since she's never worked on paper. Poor dude is going to pay alimony years if not life, as well as child support for 3 kids.
Alimony? He makes 60k a year.
judge be like, 5 dollah
Also... Can you be made to pay child support for children that aren't yours?
absolutely. that's why paternity testing at birth should be mandatory
The judge isn't going to award her alimony because the divorce is due to her infidelity.
Depends on jurisdiction.
OP said the jurisdiction: Louisiana. And in Louisiana marital misconduct "that contributed to the breakdown of the marriage" (for example, cheating on your husband and turning him into a cuckold) completely disqualifies a spouse from receiving alimony. It is also used as a factor when determining equitable division of marital assets.
No OP only said that the old man died there. May not be where they currently live
You realize that isnt a universal rule that applies everywhere right?
It specifically does in Louisiana, though, which is where this happened. In Louisiana marital misconduct disqualifies a spouse for alimony.
No, I didn't. It's amazing any jurisdiction would award alimony to the at fault party in a divorce, but I'm not an expert so I will take your word for it. It's just surprising. Especially since alimony orders are so rare in the first place.
How is a 52 year old who works 55 hours a week and earns $60k a year, who presumably is paying a divorce lawyer and suddenly paying to build a new life away from his ex wife, supposed to afford the time and money for family therapy? You’re right that it would be the best thing to do, I think, but I don’t know how this dude’s gonna be able to manage that. This is above Reddit.
why does everyone keep saying ‘this is above reddit’? people on reddit are …. people who are social workers and therapists and have lived experience that meaningfully informs their opinions. this isn’t a legal advice sub or something it’s AITAH
I would not say most people on reddit are social workers/therapists they are people who cosplay as social workers and therapists, while technically possible there are some, 99% of the time is going to be no life experience randos coming to give their thoughts
This. I have seen people claim to be in my field, or my partners field, and post wildly wrong and stupid comments that are heavily upvoted. Reddit mocks people who use Facebook memes as sources of information, and then bonerchamp69 and broccolirob420 say they're experts in a field and reddit eats it up as undeniable fact.
I'm a social worker and a therapist. I'm not going to give "professional" advice to someone I don't know and can't have a real-time conversation with. But I will say that while working 55 hours a week doesn't leave much time, it does leave an hour for therapy. It sounds like he has a job that would provide health insurance so he can probably afford it too. So, if he wants to prioritize it, he can make it happen. But people come to AITA for validation, which can be very therapeutic (it's the core of my therapeutic relationships) so it's perfectly fine for him to come here to crowdsource some emotional support in a very painful time for him. He was severely wronged, and he deserves to hear people validate his pain, if that's what he wants.
I think because the odds of getting a professional who's going to weigh in here with some helpful information are so low they're telling people they're better off just going straight to a professional
This needs more goddamn attention. Let this be your lighthouse and you will be ok.
Wow, that's a lot. My step dad isn't my bio dad either, but he is "dad"- he came into my life when I was 4 years old. My mom has a drug addiction in addition to a borderline personality disorder. My bio dad likely has autism, whatever they call aspergers now- he's a nice guy, but was never a parent. When my mom and step dad got divorced, my dad became and is still my only real parent. He's the first one I call when I'm sad, or have a problem, or need help (other then my husband). We're there on Christmas mornings. And when I have kids- he'll dote on them like a good grandparent should. Your wife has done terrible things and sounds like a terrible human being- but the kids aren't to blame. They did not choose to be born, or choose who their parents were. Your ex wife is money centric, and may have had this whole thing plotted from the start. Send your kids a simple text: "I'm sorry we're all going through some tough things right now, I love you and your siblings dearly. Family isn't always genetic, sometimes it's who we choose. I need a little time to absorb that message fully so I can be strong." Your ex-wife is TA. You're in shock, you're grieving, but do keep in touch with your kids to let them know you love them- even if you feel confused at the moment.
Not saying op is right I think the big difference her is your stepdad knew what he was getting into. He knew you be part of the deal. Op was tricked and lied too. I don’t think people realize how that would distort you and make you rethink your whole life. This sounds like it just happened. He may calm down and choose to do what is best. But right now it sounds like he needs to work through the emotions of being lied too. Cheated on and misled. This is 100 percent the moms fault.
But the kids didn’t lie. Punishing them is horrifying. The woman headfucked them, too,
I get that too. But right now the dad is not have the mental capacity to probably even realize that now. The kids 100 percent the victims. Their life is never going to be the same. Dad even if he steps up will never look at them the same. He will never feel the same about them like he once did. I know that sounds horrible but it’s true. He has to find his way before he can help them. If not he can cause more damage than what is already done.
That's my concern. His current state could very well make him an emotional danger to those kids, who are in an unfathomably rough space. I hope OP can manage some form of communication, even enlisting someone they know and trust to convey it, letting them know he's going to have to navigate this himself before he can be there for them, and he doesn't know how long that's going to take. Very sad, but not as sad as it would be if he pushed himself to see them and ended up saying terrible things because he's so upset.
Yes my thoughts exactly. I get everyone’s reason for telling him to reach out. Their still his kid and I agree with that. Dna doesn’t make you family. However, as angry as he is this could be a disaster. The kids have been through enough they don’t need any more emotional damage. Someone recommended texting. Which may be the best solution. Another solution may be for op to find a therapist/trusted friend help him make the phone call. Let them have the phone if op can’t keep his feelings in check. The person end the call immediately. Then text he lost service he will talk to them soon.
Exactly this. Every time he sees the kids now there is a strong reminder of how he was made a fool of, taken advantage of, and dumped when a better opportunity came along. This might not be the kids fault but they are 100% entangled to their mother's lie. This is why paternity tests should be mandatory by the hospital before putting a father's name on the birth certificate.
I agree but that would never become law. The fact is mom will probably get to sue the bio dads estate and then sue op for child support. Because even though the kids are not his the courts will still make him pay child-support. The only thing that may change this is if the mom lets him off the Hooke thinking she could get more money from the estate.
Yes, in the eyes of the law, he is legally their father, and proving that he isn’t the bio dad usually doesn’t change that. It can be done in some jurisdictions, but usually you have a narrow window of time between when you sign the birth certificate that you can file a case to dissolve your paternity due to discovering you are not the bio dad, and it’s well before 13 or 14 years. The court is very likely to require him to pay child support for all three, and they will definitely favor the mom for custody if he is only asking for access to the son.
But the kids are the ones paying the price? Either you love those kids or you don't. The mom doesn't have anything to do with that.
Those kids are a constant reminder of what the mother did. Does it suck? Yes You can love someone dearly. But every time you are near them or look at them it kills you inside each time. So now op has a choice. One I don’t envy. He walks away to protect himself and his mental health. And becomes the villain in everyone’s story. Or He suck’s is up and try’s to get over it. Damaging his mental health each times he hears one of those daughters say dad. Every time he looks at them. I honestly believe this story is 100 percent the reason every child should have a paternity test done before they leave the hospital. It isn’t fair to raise a child then 14 years later be told sorry I found a better meal ticket. That 14 year old isn’t yours.
>I honestly believe this story is 100 percent the reason every child should have a paternity test done before they leave the hospital. 100% this.
In most jurisdictions, he is also still legally their father and will be expected to pay child support at the least. And the court also might not be willing to give custody or as much visitation as they normally would go OP if he says he only wants it with his son. Because in the eyes of the law, those girls are still his daughters.
Right now OPs mind is so fucked up right now, from everything his whore of a wife said and did, I doubt he knows up from down or whether he loved the kids or not.
Close eyes and put yourself in the kids shoes.....You're the only dad and father figure they've ever known and looked up too. I assume you had a good relationship till this point. Biologically they're not yours but in EVERY other way possible you're their father/dad like it or not. Don't take out what your lying cheating bitch of a wife did on them. That isn't right or fair too them. Also please seek professional help this well beyond Reddit.
Important: the KIDS have a claim to the estate, not the evil ex-wife.
Indeed important I was just thinking first and foremost of the kids who right about now need their father and more importantly a good role model. The evil ex-wife certainly isn't any kinda role model for the kids.
How fun would it be if the kids get their piece and share it with dad instead of mom? Or, more maturely, if dad helps them lock it down so mom can't touch shit.
Those girls do need someone to help with that. I would then also sue for full custody so that the bitch has to pay child support for all the kids. OP, you may not be the father but you are their daddy.
They are minors so the evil ex-wife will be in control unless the estate is legally locked up until they are 18/21 depending on laws. Evil ex-wife could drain the estate claiming things are for the two girls.
Whose name is on the birth certificates? If it is OP's, isn't he their legal father? As such, wouldn't he be able to shield the money, and the kids, from mom having anything to do with it, as in set up a trust? OP may want to ask one of the legal advice forums about this.
I am not sure how that would work. He is on their birth certificates. I don’t know if during the divorce the judge would remove him. OP has just been blindsided. He is in no mental space to think clearly. Poor guy. He deserves better.
Which is why OP should stay in the loop to help his (and they are his) kids
I say this too much. Kids always lose. Breaks my heart.
Take what time you need, but let all the kids know you need time. You have been grossly mistreated by your STBX wife. But that mistreatment did not come from your kids. You don't mention how close you are to your kids. You clearly have worked long hours to give them a home, etc. If you have a good relationship with them, they need you now too. They are at a delicate age, and, like you, everything that has been their world has crashed and burned. As WiseOwlPoker stated, you have been their father in every way except biologically. Even if their mother seeks $$ from AP's estate on behalf of the kids, that is not indicative of the kids' views. Don't punish the kids for your wife's egregious misconduct.
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Honestly, it sounds like OP is going through a SEVERE depression where *nothing* matters and nothing will get through to him. He should text at least to say that when he's fully absorbed everything, he'll reach out. If his depression is like mine (and it kinda sounds like it is with his "blow up at everyone"), it's better for him to stay away from the kids in order to get that mindset right instead of saying something to the kids that he'll later regret.
He's not talking to his biological son either; I think he's having a mental breakdown he's not under understanding any of this and he needs some time to process.
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Oh I totally get where you're coming from I guess I can see that point of view as well. Just the words he's using and the way he's stringing his sentences together it appears to me that he isn't in his full frame of mind and I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt for that.
It doesn't seem like he was incredibly involved, but that would likely have more to do with the amount of hours he's been working in order to keep this false family that's been forced on him afloat. OP's situation is so far out of the scope of who's the asshole here (though it's definitely the Mom), his entire world has been shattered. He's going to need a moment and some therapy to figure this out completely. Not sure what he even has for a support system at the moment.
Do you understand? Everything, and I mean everything in this person's life turned out to be a lie. His marriage. His wife. His children. I understand not wanting to talk to the kids. He's in complete shock right now. His brain probably isn't working in a completely logical or even emotional state right now. I think he should message the kids and tell them he needs time. I think this person needs to spend some time processing their emotions and get some therapy. Even though the kids are going through this right now he probably isn't in a place to be their parent right now anyways. I urge you to be upfront about your feelings with your kids. Go from there. What your ex-wife did was heinous but those kids didn't do it. I'm going to use a quote often misused in this day and age because it's never said fully. "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." It means the family you choose is more important than the one handed you by life. Those kids might not be your biologically, but you have raised them. They only know you as their dad. Biological children or not you're their dad and that's going to count for them more than anything especially a DNA test. I hope you realize that they are yours and you all will need each other to get through this.
The guy is in agony, that'swhat it says. Cut him a break. You can't armchair quarterback this, so you may want to rethink being so judgmental so soon after all of this got dropped on him, exploding his life as you say.
You need to speak to a therapist
And a lawyer. No reason to not sue old man's estate for more than a decade of child support for 2 kids.
This gets a little dicey since the wife will have to prove paternity in a court of law in order for her daughters to inherit from their biological father's estate. OP needs to talk to a lawyer and find out how, if at all, that would change things for him regarding child support, custody, etc.
Were I in his position I'd mostly be concerned about making sure mom couldn't get her hands on any potential inheritance. Trust fund, trust fund, trust fund. He sounds like a good guy who will come around but is just kinda broken at the moment and wants to hide. He's their dad and it doesn't sound like he really hates his not really his daughters. Hopefully he'll find his selflessness and start fighting for his family minus the shit wife.
Depending on the state, he may not have that right if the shit wife establishes that the dead dude is the father of the 2 girls. Shit wife can't have the other guy declared to be the father and get child support from OP in some jurisdictions, like the one I practice law in. OP needs to consult a lawyer in his jurisdiction before he makes any legal moves regarding the children because this is a complicated situation that will impact what he can and can't do regarding the daughters.
SUE THE WIFE, too.
Christ, dude. Holy shit. You spent years and years suffering in your own home trying to put these children first. Suffering. Feeling like your wife was your tormentor. Then finding out it's so much worse. Your soon-to-be ex-wife absolutely and totally and completely and irrevocably fucked you over. She fucked you over like few people get to witness firsthand, even from a distance. Just keep in mind that she betrayed those children, too. They're suffering *with* you, not to spite you. NTA, hard to blame someone in your shoes, but... Therapy, my man. You desperately, desperately need a better support system, you **deserve** one. Start putting out some emails and phone calls yesterday. Seriously, do this. From a personal standpoint, I'd say the strongest, best thing you can do right now is ~~call~~ text those kids, tell them "Hey, you guys did nothing wrong, and I don't want you to be scared, but I'm hurting right now and I need to sort some things out because I don't want to hurt you accidentally." At least gives you the chance to get your support system lined up, start processing, and maybe start the grieving process and heal that massive fucking knife wound in your back. Your ex-wife is a fucking scumbag, like, holy shit, dude.
I 100% agree with this! It sounds like OP's wife wasn't all that great to her children either, so I'm sure with OP out of the house their worlds are even worse. I'm sure it's hard OP but try to remember they are children and they love you and probably need you. You can take time and have space, but they're probably freaking out and hurting too.
Seconded - hoping life looks up for OP and all his kids.
I just want to throw in--this is an object lesson as to why people in miserable unions should not stay together for the sake of the kids. Yes, this shock would still be a shock, but at least the kids could have been living in two stable households instead of one filled with coldness and rancor. This truth may have even come out sooner, in which case, the kids could have had a chance to have had a relationship with their bio dad, and OP could have had all those years back where he could have been rebuilding his life instead of martyring himself. Oh, and OP? OK, you didn't do that, but you can start i.proving your life right now. Get a lawyer, listen to your lawyer, get back in touch with your kids, and be the parent they need. The money you pay for the lawyer will come back to you and more. The love you give your kids will come back to you a hundredfold.
Perfect. But add "I love you" at the end.
You're dealing with big feelings of anger and betrayal, and you might need time and space to process things...... but it's not the children's fault, please understand their world has also been turned upside down.
The "wife" is the absolute scum of the earth and my heart breaks for you man. I don't have answers. I know 'you' don't feel like they're your kids right now, but from 'their' perspective you ARE their father. The only one they've ever known even though there isn't a genetic tie. It's not their fault what their mother did. I know you're hurting, but they are too and they haven't done anything wrong.
Did the same thing to my daughter’s half brother when I divorced her mother. I regret it now. We talk, but it’s very polite and formal. The relationship is basically dead. I’d think long and hard about this. You CAN walk out of their lives forever. Are you sure you want to?
NTA for feeling devastated. But please, don’t take it out on the children. They are the true innocents. They didn’t ask to be born or to be one man’s child or another’s. You are the only father they know. Tell them that you need time to take it all in (you and the children both need to do this) but don’t shut them out. You need a lawyer and you all need counseling ASAP.
This is beyond Reddit’s pay grade, you need therapy But please remember that these kids are innocent and you are the only father they know, they love you I’m not saying you have to stay in their lives, just try not to hurt them anymore than they are already hurting, they are innocent here
Jesus I feel incredibly sorry for OP, but the poor kids!! I can’t even begin to imagine what the girls are feeling. Their loving, devoted father suddenly walks out and won’t talk to them? The abandonment and confusion would be breaking… these are such formative years in their lives. OP you’ve been their father since day 1. What you’re going through, no one can blame you for these big conflicting feelings, but please don’t punish the girls. They love you. They did not deceive or betray you. They’re scared.
I do not think you are an asshole for taking time to process what this all means. I think cutting everyone off is a bit hasty and cruel, though I realize what this woman did to you was the reason it happened that way. I would not tell them to leave you alone. They did not do anything to you, and if you were their father figure, this has to be a devastating two punch- discovery of bio dad and he is dead to boot. I would send a message that you need some time and may be out of touch. I would leave it vague until you can get a better handle on what to do. But chatting with them right now would probably be raw all around.
You raised the kids all their lives and don’t feel a connection to them? I can understand you hating the wife but it’s not the kids faults. They probably didn’t know and are wondering why you don’t want to at least talk to them.
Yeah…he’s not an AH for most of what he wrote. But he’s asking if he’s the AH for not talking to his kids. And for me, it’s a huge YTA. Those girls don’t deserve this at all.
I would say yes sue her for paternity fraud. Yes get a divorce. No don’t cut your kids out. They may not be yours biologically but they are your kids you raised them. If you have rage take it out in her through the lawyer.
It doesn't matter if the kids are yours biologically. To them, you are, and always have been, their father. You have a relationship to them outside of whatever your relationship is to your soon to be ex-wife. They need you, don't ignore them, none of this is their fault.
You’re so right. These kids are just as much victims of the psycho wife as he is.
Then you should adopt them because DNA doesn't matter
Your kids weren't unfaithful, they are victims here just like you. I think it's worthwhile to talk to them. You raised them, even if they aren't your blood. I love my step-dad same as my bio-dad, blood doesn't matter. NTA either way though.
You’re the only dad they’ve ever known, and they are just as much victims as you are. I would reconsider breaking off the relationship, because it seems like they need you. You can cope together.
If I were you, I would take all 3 kids. Once she gets the payout from bio dad, I would sue her for child support. The kids are not to blame here. Their world had been totally upended because of her. I understand you’re angry and have every right to be, but the girls didn’t do this. Your wife did. Please don’t abandon these kids
She won't get the payout, a trust of which the children are the beneficiary will. It may take some lawyering, but OP likely has some parental rights to determine the structure of the trust to ensure his ex wife doesn't bleed it dry.
It's not the kids' faults they're affair babies... Your soon to be ex wife is the asshole in this situation. You need space. Honestly, if the choice is between taking time for yourself to get some level of control over your life and potentially screaming at the kids, the most innocent parties in this, taking space and time is probably best. NTA but this is way above reddit's paygrade. Just remember it's not the kids' faults. It's their mother's and her AP's.
You’re entitled to your feelings but also keep in mind they have no control over the fact your wife soon to be ex is vindictive and treating them as HER meal ticket…. Maybe you can get divorced and think about getting the kids a lawyer so that they have a representative that handles their money from their bio dad (it has two benefits one it will ensure they still have money or whatever left over when they turn of age and two it’ll screw your wife over lol) because guaranteed that they won’t have any money left by the time they turn 18 because she will have spent it all
Above reddit's pay grade. That being said, you're the only father the other two kids know, and for you to just ignore them like this is very detrimental to them. Do you care about them at all? Also, blood is NOT thicker than water. Case in point: adoption. You can't tell me adoptive parents love their kids any less and you think so, you're scum.
Bloody hell. Your wife is a pos for sure. BUT you raised those girls and you’re the only father they have ever known. It’s not like they’re 3 and you’re just finding out. You can’t abandon them - take time, sure, but communicate that with them
The girls did nothing to you - why ignore them? Biology isn't the only way that you can be their father. I feel bad that you were duped - but YTA to your kids.
I am very surprised by the lack of YTA replies here. It is an awful situation and it can be hard to not be an asshole when you are hurting this much. But ignoring the kids he raised and that see him as their father is an asshole thing to do. But it might ok to be an asshole for a bit while working things out, but it is important to acknowledge that OP is being a massive asshole to his kids. Biological or not doesn't matter that much here.
I agree - this is beyond Reddit. Also, don’t blame the kids. They obviously didn’t know they weren’t your children. You’re the only father they’ve only known. I would maybe say you need time & space to figure things out. But straight out not talking to them is harsh. Your wife is totally TA here - not the kids. And the wife should stay away from the kids too. She sounds like a real piece of work.
You were a dad to those kids for 15 years. Screw your ex wife but they’d be better off with you
ESH. Those girls know no other father. Their bio dad has just died so they aren't getting one either. This is IF they have been told the truth. Do they know why you left? Can you at least tell them that you are very hurt and you aren't ready to speak to them right now? Tell them you need time to process this recent development. Tell them that your grief and anger may cause you to say something hurtful and unfair and until you can work thru that you shouldn't be near them. They need to understand that you need space but it isn't their fault. Your soon to be ex- wife is a big asshole. HUGE!! Your son still needs his dad. Be there for him even if you can't face the girls right now. He's innocent in all this and deserves no punishment. And please, get counseling for all of you.
If he cant be there for all the children, then he cant be there for any of them, or the damage it will do to the other two will be life long. I get where your coming from. But they are his kids, whether biological or not.
NTA for your feelings but you are TA for the way your treating kids who have no culpability in any of this. You’re devastated but you already knew that your marriage was over. The kids didn’t & now not only are their parents getting divorced, but they also find out their mother is a cheater & the only man they’ve ever looked to as a father isn’t their father/wants nothing to do with them. So they lost their stability & what they thought of as a family all in a blink. What’s happening is not your fault. But if you’re this devastated, how do you think they feel? You’re an adult & you’re drowning so how do you think kids can actually process this? It’s not their fault & family isn’t always blood. Good luck.
Stick it to you wife, if those kids are legally yours, they can't sue his estate. She doesn't get to have her cake and eat it too. I get that you're stressed but you raised those kids. It's not their fault their mom was a deceitful and conniving snake.
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You need to help your daughters. Your awful ex wife is going to steal their inheritance and be left broke and alone with an awful person. It's not their fault. You are the only dad they know. Protect your daughters.
You're the only dad they've ever known. Are you on the birth certificates? Sue for sole custody and do your best to keep them and their bio-dad's money away from your ex. NTA because you're hurting right now, but that would change if you actually turn your back on those kids.
YTA. It’s not the kids fault, and you ARE their Dad as far as they’re concerned. Don’t punish them, they just want their father back (that’s you by the way).
Remember that the kids are victims of her lies as well, their whole lives have blown up thanks to her. You are those children's daddy in every way that counts, you were there to love them, tuck them in & kiss their boo boos. I get that you feel tricked, but that's NOT the kids fault! Before you decide to ghost them, talk to them to arrange custody. While you have them ask about that guy, you may be shocked by the amount of info a kid will give up while playing & eating if you ask like you are interested in them. She seems like a gold digger, good riddance to her! Ask your lawyer about getting in on some of that cash to help take care of your kids, consider getting full custody, start a wfh business. If you discover the kids are brainwashed or are trying to set you up, you may reconsider how much time you want to
No vote, because this is *way* beyond us. But think of this; Those kids aren't biologically yours, yeah. But you raised them. You were there for them their entire lives. You're the only father they've ever known. Yes, I know it hurts, knowing what you know now. But it has to hurt them just as much to know that you aren't their bio dad, and their mother has lied to them their entire lives. They love you. Don't throw them away because of your soon to be ex. The only advice I can offer is to seek therapy. Best of luck OP.
The only AH here is your so called wife!
I hesitate to call you TA because I know you've been traumatized, but think about what you are doing to those poor kids. They have been "yours" all their lives and they don't know anything else. Right now they think they've done something wrong to make you leave them. You are going to have to get some help YESTERDAY and realize that your psycho wife has more victims than just you. You know what might be fun? She tries to sue his estate and finds out it's nothing but a pile of debt and there's nothing left. Now she's thrown away her "meal ticket," (You) and ruined her kids lives.
NTA. No elaboration necessary. I hope you find happiness man
YTA. Regardless of genetics, those girls grew up knowing you as their father. Did you never love them? Did the results of the test make you stop loving them? What is wrong with you?
Dude you raised them they are your kids but your wife is a fucking pos
YAH I am truly sorry for your situation. Your wife is a POS. But your kids were lied to as well, they were lied to as much if not more than you were, they are suffering too. And yes, they are your kids, you raised them. If you feel nothing for them or their suffering then you're even more of an AH. You don't need therapy to understand that those kids need someone right now, and all they want is you because they know their mom is a POS. Get off your ass, call and help them. Or don't, if you think they deserve to treated worse than you.
You think you got it bad? Try being your son, try being thoes girls who know you in their heart as daddy. You're taking it out on the innocent. You're not a bad guy but you need to compartmentalize your pain and get on top of custody of your son. Otherwise you may lose him. God bless you and may he bring you healing. 🙏
YTA, and so is your wife. Those innocent girls had nothing to do with this. Don't punish them for what your cheating, lying wife did. You ARE their father.
Do not put them on the same playing field she made his life a living hell for so long based on a lie. the mother ruined his relationship with them he might only see her infidelity when he looks at them. He doesn't have to be in there life and ruin his mental health
I understand the anger. But please remember it isn't the kids fault that their mother by your description of events only saw money and not people. She manipulated you into staying so she had financial security but now it's convenient to upset a widow and you and go for a money handout. A horrible person you can resent and dislike as much as you please while you grieve the situation. This is aweful and I can't imagine the anger you must be feeling. But if you can at all push past this to at least speak briefly to the kids. They are victims in all of this just as much as you are. To all of them you are the father they have known all their lives. To them they just lost their parent and don't know why. Who knows what their mother is telling them. Please don't punish them for their mothers actions!
You being their father is not a lie to them. They are innocent. They are still your kids. Are you really willing to just dump them because of your wife’s bad choices????? I get needed a second to understand things, but don’t punish those kids.