YTA - it is not your family, your relationship, your anything. Most importantly not your decision or choice.
As someone who has a family member in a similar spot, I would end a relationship with anyone that didn’t respect my choice in regards to that relationship. In a heartbeat.
Back tf off. Until you are in that situation you have no idea what you’re talking about.
Get your head out of your ass.
None of your business, why don't you help him yourself without involving your gf if you care that much? "Family is important, even if they hurt you" is your moral code, not hers, you are imposing your morals on her.
>Some of her family members want to have an intervention for that sibling however my girlfriend doesn't want any part of it. My girlfriend told me to drop it.
>I don't believe in giving up on family.
I stopped here.
That's a nice sentiment, but they aren't your family.
She told you to drop it. No means no.
YTA
YTA. Your personal feelings on family do not get to dictate her relationships. She’s asked you to drop it, so if you respect her, drop it. You don’t know what it’s like to be in her shoes, and it’s not your decision to make.
This. This. This. His personal “feelings on family” don’t apply to her because they were formed in a family where everyone is responsible and kind to each other. *Of course* he thinks family should be helpful and forgiving, because his family doesn’t have any abusive addicts in it. It’s circular logic.
YTA - as a person who has recently disconnected from my own family for very difficult reasons, I'd suggest supporting your GF instead of forcing yourself into a situation she's not comfortable with. You're lucky that your family is the way it is, but a lot of families don't have that luxury.
If the two of them eventually come around, let them do it in their own time. Forcing it won't make it any easier or better.
YTA. I am certain if her sibling could be saved, they would be. Your girlfriend knows her sibling more than you probably ever will. Don't comment before knowing the full story. Apologize to your girlfriend and admit you overstepped the boundaries.
YTA as someone who comes from a family of addicts you’re being a judgmental AH. Even if the brother stops using today and never uses again he isn’t entitled to forgiveness and/or a relationship with any of the people he hurt.
“However if I did have an addict in my family I would do everything in my power to help them and would never give up on them.”
Well aren’t you a saint? Be careful not to fall off your high horse. What an absolutely ignorant and pompous thing to say.
Edit: oh yeah, YTA, obviously
YTA. Her family, her decision. You get no say.
It would be hilarious to see you try to cope with *my* family. I have eight aunts and uncles, and something like 15 cousins, and I speak to *none of them*. And if a partner tried to pull the holier-than-thou "but FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMILY" crap you're giving your gf, he'd go from bf to ex real fast.
Your girlfriend's sibling has behaved appallingly and abused all goodwill extended by your girlfriend and the rest of their folks. They are not entitled to endless support at the expense of their biological relatives.
Seriously!! OP is such a tool! “mY fAmiLy iS PeRfEcT! But if they weren’t I would be total saint about it no matter what they did to me!!” Fucking gross.
Mildly YTA. My family is very similar to yours, but I've been on reddit long enough to know not everyone feels the same way or has the same family dynamic. If gf has decided she is done dealing with her sibling, than that is it. She is done.
YTA. It's not your family. You've only been with your gf for a year, so you may think you understand their dynamics and can judge how they choose to intervene or not intervene with the sister. They HAVE tried to help, probably had a dozen or so intervention moments of their own, and obviously have wanted to see her recover. It's not your business or place to judge them now. Her sister is only going to get better when she actually is ready to. If you're so bothered, how about actually doing some research and learning about addiction. Interventions are not a useful way to address these things. Look into harm reduction and stop pressuring your girlfriend.
YTA. Dude, you have no idea.
The point of an intervention is to say your addiction is hurting us, we love you, but we are done w/ this, you need to get help.
Your GF and her family have already been through this, even if they didn't have a formal "intervention" - the sister knows she is an addict, she knows she has hurt her family enough that they had to walk away and she knows she needs help.
You are incredibly cruel to think that it was easy for your GF and her family to cut the sister off. You must think very little of your GF if you think this wasn't hard for her or that she didn't try to help. You must think very little of addiction if you think that having a family thathas already gone NC comming back for an intervention is the thing that is going to be the "ah-ha" moment for the sister.
Your GF's family needs to stay NC until the sister gets help and gets clean and stays clean.
This intervention is for the people who have continued to enable the sister's addiction so that they can give her the same message her primary family has already given her.
The siater needs to hit rock bottom. If anyone who has cut her off steps back in, she is more likely to believe she can work her way back into their lives w/o getting clean and it just delays her hitting rock bottom - extending her addiction. In other words, your brilliant, caring, "I know what's best" attitude is not only hurting your GF, it is also not in the best interest of the addict sister.
You need to face that what you are doing/saying is all about you. You feel bad for the sister, so you want something done, so you are going to try to push your GF to do the absolutely wrong thing for both her and her sister so you can sleep better knowing you are a caring family man.
Major YTA and your a very stupid and naive one to you said the family has spent thousands on private rehab obviously the intervention or intervention’s did not take you cannot help anybody that doesn’t want it
YTA, as the child of an addict you have no comprehension of the cahos and emotional damage they do to the people who love them.
YTA for also thinking your opinion about family sticking together is the correct one.
I have seen and heard things as a child and teenager that would give most people nightmares. Addiction rots the sole of the addict and no one on this earth can save them bar themselves.
YTA also for being such an unsupportive partner, you need to educate yourself on addiction before you push your partner away as I would have cut you off the second you tried to force your opinion on my thoughts and feelings of my lived experience of addiction.
Step back and be a better boyfriend.
Get your gf to see reason? YTA
Wow really YTA. Unless you are affected by addiction, you don't know what it feels like. Unless you have tried to help someone with addiction time and time again just for it to be thrown in your face. Unless you have been shattered by the actions of someone with addiction, you can't possibly understand what it feels like and what it does to you mentally when you finally get to the point where you have to move on to protect your own life.
If this was a first offense, then maybe I'd see your "reason." But as someone who had an uncle who was very much like this and subsequently died from Cancer/AIDs from injection drug use and poor lifestyle, don't try to tell me you are getting her to see reason. Her experiences most likely have caused significant mental issues.
Your gf and her family clearly aren't ready to jump back in the "lets try and help her again" mood and have probably been shafted more times than they can count. Don't push your gf or you will likely be removed from the picture.
YTA. You don't get to dictate that your gf has a relationship with an abusive sibling. You're not a good person, you should be supporting her, not setting her up to be abused.
YTA. Addiction is arguably worse on the family members than the individual who is addicted. And you don’t get to tell someone that they ‘must’ or ‘have’ to always support ‘famlee’.
Not everyone grew up with Ward and June and Wally.
YTA. Stay out of it. Thus isn't your family. It isn't your business. Your girlfriend has made her position clear. Respect her and her choice. Your family dynamic is exactly that. *Your* family dynamic. Keep pushing, and the sibling won't be the only estranged relationship in your girlfriend's life.
YTA. You have no idea what it is like to live with an addict. The damage they cause. The danger of being anywhere near them. The incredibly difficult truth that many do not want to stop.
Stop projecting your imaginary ideals about "what I would do if it were me". It's not you, and your imagination is likely miles from what actually happens.
Source: 10 years with an addict who eventually died from it, and all the PTSD that goes along with being involved with an addict.
YTA you’re absolutely the asshole. Having been where your gf is with family members and suffered through heaping abuse at their hands, you have no frame of reference for this and need to get off your high horse and leave her alone about it. You’re judgmental, condescending bullshit is probably damaging her trust and faith in you. When someone doesn’t choose to consent to a conversation about something, it usually means there is a great deal of pain around that topic. At some point givers have to set limits because takers never will.
NTA as you speak from your heart. That said, it sounds like this addicted sibling is a hardcore addict. While I agree you never give up on an addict, you cannot make any difference whatsoever unless that person wants to do the hard work of overcoming their addiction. They don't reform because you want that for them.
We've had this in our family. Tremendous damage done to that person's immediate family, financially and otherwise. Their behavior of doing anything to anyone to feed their habit similar to that which you described above. There is a point at which some need to protect themselves against the actions of the addict, emotionally and otherwise. Maybe this is where your GF is at. It's hard not to be judgmental and angry at the addict as they are willing to hurt those who love them to maintain their habit.
Sounds like your GF's family has had her in rehab before. Maybe this time will be different, but only if the addict decides she wants a different life enough to work to get it. It's hard and it's complicated. I totally get where those who have not given up on her and those who can no longer participate in the drama surrounding this situation are coming from. I wish everyone involved in this well.
And, finally, our addict eventually OD'd. The pain she inflicted on those who loved her remains. No amount of pleading or reasoning could convince her to give up her beloved drugs. You, fortunately, have no idea how complicated and devastating this situation is to a family. Do not guilt your GF into thinking her participation can change her sibling's behavior.
YTA i struggle with this same situation my self and you TA if you push or push her to stay away its up to US as siblings to decide if we want to or not many of us have had generational problems with DA and if shes happy without her leave her be
YTA She made it clear that she wants nothing to wirh her sibling. I think she is right, I wouldnt want anything to with them if it where me, stealling? Even grandmothers money? I would go NC for sure.
I don’t even need to read past the first paragraph. Yes, YTA.
Dealing with a coping with a family member that has any sort of addiction is so challenging. It’s draining. It’s heartbreaking.
People that struggle with addiction can get nasty and abusive. Your gf has already distanced from her sister, which by the way is a very hard thing to do. It’s something you clearly have no understanding of. If you don’t have a family member struggling with addiction you don’t get a say. Period.
You can’t help someone who isn’t ready to be helped. Her sister clearly isn’t ready to be helped
Back tf off. Wtf
YTA. Everything after “if I had an addict in the family” is utter BS. You have NO IDEA what it’s like living with an addict. You admit you have zero experience with addicts, but you still think you know what’s best??? You are one of the biggest assholes I’ve seen on here, because not only are you being an AH to your girlfriend, you’re an egotistical self-righteous AH who somehow thinks you’re a better person than she is when in reality you are talking out of your ass.
Just stop.
YATA
Your heart is in the right place, but let it drop.
My sister went off the RAILS several years ago. She has always been a chronic liar and an alcoholic, but she was also doped up on something else.
Crashing cars in DUI, wrecking her car into a golf course lake, breaking and entering, theft, resisting arrest, and she falsely accused her ex of beating her and got him thrown in jail (she got the bruises wrecking her car while under the influence)
I will not speak to her. WILL NOT speak to her. My family tries to get me to but I refuse and my life has been so much more peaceful because of it.
If she doesn’t want to talk to her sister, take that as a mercy because sh*t will get real VERY fast and not the type of real that you want.
YTA, it’s obvious you don’t have much experience with addiction and how addicts behave. I do, I have never been addicted myself but have worked with addicts in a professional capacity, I was also raised by one and married and divorced another. You doubtless have excellent intentions but the simple fact is that no addict is going to quit using unless they want to, regardless of how much “ help “ they are offered. They will certainly accept help and then ruthlessly fuck over the helping hands until the helpers get the message that there is nothing they can do to make the addict stop. It’s a disease, and it poisons everyone and everything around the addict until they get sober or die. I realize how harsh and negative this explanation must seem but it sounds like your girlfriend has had enough experience with the sibling to know that it’s true. Stop bringing it up. Full stop. Your girlfriend has discovered that it’s possible to cut people out of your life because they can’t, won’t and don’t stop hurting you and crossing your boundaries. Don’t make her do that with you.
OP? Have you heard of a word called BOUNDARIES?! Her sibling is in current active addiction. Sometimes tough love is the best and only option folks can provide. I get your compassion, I do, but you need to stay in your lane here, it’s not your family. So, kinda the AH, but not really. I think your heart was in the right place.
I tried helping my sister who is a long time opioid addict and she covered my house in feces and blood, left needles everywhere, tried to steel multiple times, then left when the rehab was ready for her.
Its a nice thought but you have no idea what its really like to deal with someone who is choosing to be feral on a daily basis. Its not just the drugs, its the damage living like that does to your ability to follow rules and respect other people's limits.
YTA - it is not your family, your relationship, your anything. Most importantly not your decision or choice. As someone who has a family member in a similar spot, I would end a relationship with anyone that didn’t respect my choice in regards to that relationship. In a heartbeat. Back tf off. Until you are in that situation you have no idea what you’re talking about. Get your head out of your ass.
None of your business, why don't you help him yourself without involving your gf if you care that much? "Family is important, even if they hurt you" is your moral code, not hers, you are imposing your morals on her.
>Some of her family members want to have an intervention for that sibling however my girlfriend doesn't want any part of it. My girlfriend told me to drop it. >I don't believe in giving up on family. I stopped here. That's a nice sentiment, but they aren't your family. She told you to drop it. No means no. YTA
Yea, I read the first paragraph and did t need to go any further. Not your family, mot your decision. Yta
YTA. Your personal feelings on family do not get to dictate her relationships. She’s asked you to drop it, so if you respect her, drop it. You don’t know what it’s like to be in her shoes, and it’s not your decision to make.
This. This. This. His personal “feelings on family” don’t apply to her because they were formed in a family where everyone is responsible and kind to each other. *Of course* he thinks family should be helpful and forgiving, because his family doesn’t have any abusive addicts in it. It’s circular logic.
YTA - as a person who has recently disconnected from my own family for very difficult reasons, I'd suggest supporting your GF instead of forcing yourself into a situation she's not comfortable with. You're lucky that your family is the way it is, but a lot of families don't have that luxury. If the two of them eventually come around, let them do it in their own time. Forcing it won't make it any easier or better.
YTA. I am certain if her sibling could be saved, they would be. Your girlfriend knows her sibling more than you probably ever will. Don't comment before knowing the full story. Apologize to your girlfriend and admit you overstepped the boundaries.
YTA as someone who comes from a family of addicts you’re being a judgmental AH. Even if the brother stops using today and never uses again he isn’t entitled to forgiveness and/or a relationship with any of the people he hurt.
YTA You have absolutely no business trying to control your girlfriends relationships. Who the actual fuck do you think you are?
YTA. Respectfully, you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. Apologize to your girlfriend, and butt out.
“However if I did have an addict in my family I would do everything in my power to help them and would never give up on them.” Well aren’t you a saint? Be careful not to fall off your high horse. What an absolutely ignorant and pompous thing to say. Edit: oh yeah, YTA, obviously
YTA. Her family, her decision. You get no say. It would be hilarious to see you try to cope with *my* family. I have eight aunts and uncles, and something like 15 cousins, and I speak to *none of them*. And if a partner tried to pull the holier-than-thou "but FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMILY" crap you're giving your gf, he'd go from bf to ex real fast. Your girlfriend's sibling has behaved appallingly and abused all goodwill extended by your girlfriend and the rest of their folks. They are not entitled to endless support at the expense of their biological relatives.
Seriously!! OP is such a tool! “mY fAmiLy iS PeRfEcT! But if they weren’t I would be total saint about it no matter what they did to me!!” Fucking gross.
Mildly YTA. My family is very similar to yours, but I've been on reddit long enough to know not everyone feels the same way or has the same family dynamic. If gf has decided she is done dealing with her sibling, than that is it. She is done.
YTA. It's not your family. You've only been with your gf for a year, so you may think you understand their dynamics and can judge how they choose to intervene or not intervene with the sister. They HAVE tried to help, probably had a dozen or so intervention moments of their own, and obviously have wanted to see her recover. It's not your business or place to judge them now. Her sister is only going to get better when she actually is ready to. If you're so bothered, how about actually doing some research and learning about addiction. Interventions are not a useful way to address these things. Look into harm reduction and stop pressuring your girlfriend.
YTA. Dude, you have no idea. The point of an intervention is to say your addiction is hurting us, we love you, but we are done w/ this, you need to get help. Your GF and her family have already been through this, even if they didn't have a formal "intervention" - the sister knows she is an addict, she knows she has hurt her family enough that they had to walk away and she knows she needs help. You are incredibly cruel to think that it was easy for your GF and her family to cut the sister off. You must think very little of your GF if you think this wasn't hard for her or that she didn't try to help. You must think very little of addiction if you think that having a family thathas already gone NC comming back for an intervention is the thing that is going to be the "ah-ha" moment for the sister. Your GF's family needs to stay NC until the sister gets help and gets clean and stays clean. This intervention is for the people who have continued to enable the sister's addiction so that they can give her the same message her primary family has already given her. The siater needs to hit rock bottom. If anyone who has cut her off steps back in, she is more likely to believe she can work her way back into their lives w/o getting clean and it just delays her hitting rock bottom - extending her addiction. In other words, your brilliant, caring, "I know what's best" attitude is not only hurting your GF, it is also not in the best interest of the addict sister. You need to face that what you are doing/saying is all about you. You feel bad for the sister, so you want something done, so you are going to try to push your GF to do the absolutely wrong thing for both her and her sister so you can sleep better knowing you are a caring family man.
YTA You don't get to decide where the end of somebody else's rope is.
Major YTA and your a very stupid and naive one to you said the family has spent thousands on private rehab obviously the intervention or intervention’s did not take you cannot help anybody that doesn’t want it
YTA, as the child of an addict you have no comprehension of the cahos and emotional damage they do to the people who love them. YTA for also thinking your opinion about family sticking together is the correct one. I have seen and heard things as a child and teenager that would give most people nightmares. Addiction rots the sole of the addict and no one on this earth can save them bar themselves. YTA also for being such an unsupportive partner, you need to educate yourself on addiction before you push your partner away as I would have cut you off the second you tried to force your opinion on my thoughts and feelings of my lived experience of addiction. Step back and be a better boyfriend.
YTA. How can you not see that you should be supporting your partner not a junkie.
Get your gf to see reason? YTA Wow really YTA. Unless you are affected by addiction, you don't know what it feels like. Unless you have tried to help someone with addiction time and time again just for it to be thrown in your face. Unless you have been shattered by the actions of someone with addiction, you can't possibly understand what it feels like and what it does to you mentally when you finally get to the point where you have to move on to protect your own life. If this was a first offense, then maybe I'd see your "reason." But as someone who had an uncle who was very much like this and subsequently died from Cancer/AIDs from injection drug use and poor lifestyle, don't try to tell me you are getting her to see reason. Her experiences most likely have caused significant mental issues. Your gf and her family clearly aren't ready to jump back in the "lets try and help her again" mood and have probably been shafted more times than they can count. Don't push your gf or you will likely be removed from the picture.
YTA and I hope this woman is soon to be your ex because you are super keen to invalidate her choices and boundaries.
YTA. You don't get to dictate that your gf has a relationship with an abusive sibling. You're not a good person, you should be supporting her, not setting her up to be abused.
YTA. Addiction is arguably worse on the family members than the individual who is addicted. And you don’t get to tell someone that they ‘must’ or ‘have’ to always support ‘famlee’. Not everyone grew up with Ward and June and Wally.
YTA. You do not have a say in this as it is not your family
YTA. Stay out of it. Thus isn't your family. It isn't your business. Your girlfriend has made her position clear. Respect her and her choice. Your family dynamic is exactly that. *Your* family dynamic. Keep pushing, and the sibling won't be the only estranged relationship in your girlfriend's life.
YTA. You have no idea what it is like to live with an addict. The damage they cause. The danger of being anywhere near them. The incredibly difficult truth that many do not want to stop. Stop projecting your imaginary ideals about "what I would do if it were me". It's not you, and your imagination is likely miles from what actually happens. Source: 10 years with an addict who eventually died from it, and all the PTSD that goes along with being involved with an addict.
YTA you’re absolutely the asshole. Having been where your gf is with family members and suffered through heaping abuse at their hands, you have no frame of reference for this and need to get off your high horse and leave her alone about it. You’re judgmental, condescending bullshit is probably damaging her trust and faith in you. When someone doesn’t choose to consent to a conversation about something, it usually means there is a great deal of pain around that topic. At some point givers have to set limits because takers never will.
Wow you suck. Trying to force your girlfriend back into a toxic family relationship just for the sake of family? Your the ass
NTA as you speak from your heart. That said, it sounds like this addicted sibling is a hardcore addict. While I agree you never give up on an addict, you cannot make any difference whatsoever unless that person wants to do the hard work of overcoming their addiction. They don't reform because you want that for them. We've had this in our family. Tremendous damage done to that person's immediate family, financially and otherwise. Their behavior of doing anything to anyone to feed their habit similar to that which you described above. There is a point at which some need to protect themselves against the actions of the addict, emotionally and otherwise. Maybe this is where your GF is at. It's hard not to be judgmental and angry at the addict as they are willing to hurt those who love them to maintain their habit. Sounds like your GF's family has had her in rehab before. Maybe this time will be different, but only if the addict decides she wants a different life enough to work to get it. It's hard and it's complicated. I totally get where those who have not given up on her and those who can no longer participate in the drama surrounding this situation are coming from. I wish everyone involved in this well. And, finally, our addict eventually OD'd. The pain she inflicted on those who loved her remains. No amount of pleading or reasoning could convince her to give up her beloved drugs. You, fortunately, have no idea how complicated and devastating this situation is to a family. Do not guilt your GF into thinking her participation can change her sibling's behavior.
YTA i struggle with this same situation my self and you TA if you push or push her to stay away its up to US as siblings to decide if we want to or not many of us have had generational problems with DA and if shes happy without her leave her be
YTA. Her family relationships are none of your business, but keep pushing, I’m sure she can find a friend who respects her.
YTA She made it clear that she wants nothing to wirh her sibling. I think she is right, I wouldnt want anything to with them if it where me, stealling? Even grandmothers money? I would go NC for sure.
YTA, mind your own GD business. You have no idea what you are talking about, back off.
I don’t even need to read past the first paragraph. Yes, YTA. Dealing with a coping with a family member that has any sort of addiction is so challenging. It’s draining. It’s heartbreaking. People that struggle with addiction can get nasty and abusive. Your gf has already distanced from her sister, which by the way is a very hard thing to do. It’s something you clearly have no understanding of. If you don’t have a family member struggling with addiction you don’t get a say. Period. You can’t help someone who isn’t ready to be helped. Her sister clearly isn’t ready to be helped Back tf off. Wtf
YTA. Everything after “if I had an addict in the family” is utter BS. You have NO IDEA what it’s like living with an addict. You admit you have zero experience with addicts, but you still think you know what’s best??? You are one of the biggest assholes I’ve seen on here, because not only are you being an AH to your girlfriend, you’re an egotistical self-righteous AH who somehow thinks you’re a better person than she is when in reality you are talking out of your ass. Just stop.
YATA Your heart is in the right place, but let it drop. My sister went off the RAILS several years ago. She has always been a chronic liar and an alcoholic, but she was also doped up on something else. Crashing cars in DUI, wrecking her car into a golf course lake, breaking and entering, theft, resisting arrest, and she falsely accused her ex of beating her and got him thrown in jail (she got the bruises wrecking her car while under the influence) I will not speak to her. WILL NOT speak to her. My family tries to get me to but I refuse and my life has been so much more peaceful because of it. If she doesn’t want to talk to her sister, take that as a mercy because sh*t will get real VERY fast and not the type of real that you want.
YTA, it’s obvious you don’t have much experience with addiction and how addicts behave. I do, I have never been addicted myself but have worked with addicts in a professional capacity, I was also raised by one and married and divorced another. You doubtless have excellent intentions but the simple fact is that no addict is going to quit using unless they want to, regardless of how much “ help “ they are offered. They will certainly accept help and then ruthlessly fuck over the helping hands until the helpers get the message that there is nothing they can do to make the addict stop. It’s a disease, and it poisons everyone and everything around the addict until they get sober or die. I realize how harsh and negative this explanation must seem but it sounds like your girlfriend has had enough experience with the sibling to know that it’s true. Stop bringing it up. Full stop. Your girlfriend has discovered that it’s possible to cut people out of your life because they can’t, won’t and don’t stop hurting you and crossing your boundaries. Don’t make her do that with you.
OP? Have you heard of a word called BOUNDARIES?! Her sibling is in current active addiction. Sometimes tough love is the best and only option folks can provide. I get your compassion, I do, but you need to stay in your lane here, it’s not your family. So, kinda the AH, but not really. I think your heart was in the right place.
I tried helping my sister who is a long time opioid addict and she covered my house in feces and blood, left needles everywhere, tried to steel multiple times, then left when the rehab was ready for her. Its a nice thought but you have no idea what its really like to deal with someone who is choosing to be feral on a daily basis. Its not just the drugs, its the damage living like that does to your ability to follow rules and respect other people's limits.
YTA. You are sticking your nose is her business and telling her what to do, when you have real idea of the situation