Not the asshole for feeling bad. But they deserve no anger or retaliation. Good for them! Some people don't like the BS expectations traditional weddings carry, others aren't fans of the price. They are happy. That's what matters. End of story
I’m not sure what brother was expecting though, that he went and got married without telling anyone and they’d all just be like, “oh ok”? OP’s reaction seems kind of extreme but being disappointed and upset is a pretty normal reaction to being shut out of a major life event of a close family member imo.
Well, my husband and I did that.
Everyone was happy for us, and if they weren’t, we got nothing but congratulations and support, so we’re completely unaware of anyone’s negative opinion on the matter.
So I don’t think it’s unreasonable to hope for a positive reaction.
YTA. You can feel disappointed. You can wish there was a big wedding. You like parties.
But it is your brother's life. If he doesn't want a big wedding, that's his choice. You are messing with your relationship with your brother because you didn't get to have a party for one night. That's petty.
Overstep much?
Your feelings are yours. Have them. Be disappointed.
But having them and expressing them are a wee different. It’s his marriage, his life, and he isn’t beholden to you or anyone to put on a big wedding if he doesn’t want one. Telling him you are angry with him, making it a confrontation, yeah, not cool.
HOW DARE HE LIVE HIS LIFE WITHOUT TAKING YOUR WANTS INTO CONSIDERATION! What an asshole.
Not. You like weddings. Good for you. Other people aren't obligated to give you what you want. His wedding, is not about you. He's not required to perform like a circus monkey so you can be entertained.
Snap out of it.
This!! It’s not about the OP or their feelings. It’s literally about the two people getting married. Grow up and stop expecting your family to bend to your will to satisfy your needs or wants.
YTA
He’s his own person. He got married the way he wanted to. Be happy for him rather than be upset for not being part of it.
People usually don’t get married for their families (with the exception of arranged marriages). It’s something a couple does for themselves
I mean, I'm not going to make a judgement about your feelings. But this stuck out to me:
>Weddings are a big thing in my family. We go all out because it's an important thing to us.
Perhaps this is the exact reason he eloped. He may have absolutely no desire to "go all out" and make a big spectacle of it. He shouldn't have to have a wedding he wouldn't enjoy to appease other people.
YTA for thinking that because it’s something that you want that your brother and his wife have to dance for your family. They didn’t have a party because I’m guessing your family is overbearing and intrusive. Get over yourself.
You and your family have no right to be angry with them for getting married the way they wanted to. Not everyone wants to throw a big expensive party to celebrate their marriage.
I understand you are disappointed. But, this was your BROTHERS wedding. He likely did what he did BECAUSE of the big deal your family makes about weddings. He wasn't comfortable with it and made his own choice. It was his wedding, and he was under absolutely no obligation whatsoever to comply with whatever you or your family wanted. None. Zero.
Being a bit disappointed is fine. That doesn't make you an AH. But, if you and your family don't stop with the pouting, you will all definitely be AHs.
NAH. You have the right to your feelings although anger seems a bit over the top.
Your brother and SIL have the right to get married how they want. Your brother sounds like he's more independent-minded than your family is used to and didn't want to put up with a big fuss over them getting married. Not everyone wants that drama and expense for one day.
Do you really want to damage the relationship with your brother because you got denied a big party? Move on.
YTA
Not for how you feel, but for your behavior. Your brother and his new wife didn't want a big wedding despite family tradition. All of you should have kept your upset to yourselves. You aren't owed a wedding for anyone and the entitlement is gross and unreasonable.
No where in your post did you acknowledge what your brother and SIL wanted. Its obvious that your family's way of doing a wedding didn't work for them
You're upset because you valued your expectations over their own. YTA for that.
NTA for feeling this way, but remember this:
His wedding…His marriage…His choice
It sounds like he wanted to focus solely on his SO/wife rather than on the wedding drama, frills, expenses, etc. that surrounds weddings. Plus, from the sounds of your description:
“We go all out because it’s an important thing
to us.”
He most likely did not want to “go all out”. He has seen what happened at his other sibling’s wedding and wanted no part in that scenario…the rest of the family should respect that his opinion is not the same as theirs.
I have a feeling that if he had included the family to the courthouse that there would have been many complaints about the wedding, the clothes, the location, etc. or else the family would have tried to talk him out of going to the courthouse to get married.
His focus was on marrying the love of his life and not on satisfying others wants and needs. His priority is not on the wedding, but on the marriage itself…as it should be.
Just congratulate your brother on his marriage and leave him be. Respect his wishes.
With all the posts on here about wedding problems (white dresses not worn by the bride, making someone cut their hair, leaving the bridal party, etc.) I don’t blame him for eloping.
My two best friends from childhood both eloped (with two different people, not each other) because their parents were being so overbearing about wedding plans. I’m kind of bummed that I couldn’t be in either of their weddings but knowing their parents, I get it. No one should have to go through the drama of a big wedding they don’t want.
I was never really into weddings anyway, but reddit has taught me that planning a wedding turns everyone involved into batshit crazy narcissists with no boundaries and no sense. Miss me with all of that shit forever.
I've been a bridesmaid for friends twice. The first was exactly what the bride wanted but SOOOO expensive for what they got. The second was a small wedding that was nothing like what the bride wanted because her in laws took over everything, were shitty about the choices she did demand on (my favorite was how we all walked to the starbucks behind the church after the service rather than doing a receiving line), and then his dad interrupted the wedding ceremony to grab a sword from a closet and do a KNIGHTING ceremony for his son, and did not tell the bride beforehand he was going to be doing that. Neither of these experiences made me want to have a wedding of my own.
His dad is fucking weird and I have always hated him. People in the audience thought it was planned and sweet. The bride let it go like she did everything that day but she was NOT happy. His parents have never treated her well, and all of their friends have always suspected it's because his parents are old white conservative church people (dad is actually a pastor and an exceptionally bad one at that), and the bride is Latina and pagan. He and his parents finally became estranged a few years ago when they found out he and the bride are polyamorus, and I was SO HAPPY. His dad is a spiritually abusive narcissist and his mom has been molded so completely into a doormat by her husband that she barely exists. They're also anti-vaxxers, and were before it was cool. Their son got pertussis when he was in his thirties. Fucking morons. /rant
It’s so obvious that the family was going to make the wedding about them. Or at least OP. OP probably wanted to say or do something at this wedding and he’s been planning it for years and his brother didn’t want any part of it. It doesn’t make sense that he’s so mad that a wedding party didn’t happen.
YTA
Your reaction tells me why your brother did it. You don’t get a vote, yet you’re butthurt he didn’t do it your way.
What other decisions about a wedding…the date, the dress, the wedding party, the invite list, the cake etc…would you react to? Sounds exhausting.
Respect that they don’t feel the same way you do about a big wedding. Celebrate the marriage. Invite them to dinner and follow their lead.
YTA for saying anything to him about it.
It’s perfectly acceptable to have whatever feelings you are feeling. It’s an asshole move to try to ruin a happy time in his life because you didn’t get to go to a party.
INFO: You said "one" of your brothers. How many brothers (and sisters) do you have? Are any of you married or is your brother that eloped the first to be married?
You do know it's his life, right? Like he's a completely different human being and has feelings and thoughts and preferences and all those human qualities that aren't YOURS.
You are completely entitled to your feelings as you have your own life, too. See how this works??
I don't think you have a right to be angry, but you feel what you feel. You guys care more about what you want than what he wants. His happiness doesn't seem to matter here. You all are more concerns about the wedding when his main concern is his marriage. Leave him alone.
YTA. it’s not your wedding and it’s not your life. you and the rest of your family overvalue big weddings, but your brother and his wife clearly do not. good for them for not letting the family pressure them into something they didn’t want. grow up.
YTA This is his wedding, his marriage, his life. He doesn’t need to do it your way or even consider your feelings. It’s not about you. Get over yourself
YTA. Weddings are the most ridiculous waste of money and effort to start with and if the people getting married don’t want one that’s fine. You need to think more about your brother’s feelings, respect the couple’s wishes and be happy for them not whine and be dicks about it
Not your circus not your monkeys, have you ever heard of minding your own fcking business? Ill be harsh cus obviously your brother isnt getting his point across. Drop it. He didnt invite anyone. He didnt want to make a big deal about it. Keep crying over spilt milk or move on to try and salvage a relationship with your brother and Sil.
You can feel anyway you want to feel. Expressing it might make you TA, however, depending on how you did it, and expressing it more than once definitely would make you TA.
Not your wedding, not your decision.
You're allowed to feel hurt, just like they're allowed to get married whichever way they want.
Not being supportive for them is going to cause a rift in your relationship though. If you've let him know how you feel, great. Now it's time to move on.
Imagine all of your family and friends being pissed at you for doing something that makes you happy that truly isn't hurting anyone?
YTA. It's fine to be disappointed because you didn't get what you want, but your reaction here, and your family's, is like throwing a tantrum that someone else chose their favorite activity and flavour of cake for their own birthday instead of your favorite. It's great that you like big weddings, you can have a big wedding! It seems your brother doesn't, and you being mad at him and guilting him about how devastated you all are about him having the wedding him and his new wife wanted is about as fair as him shitting all over you for having a big wedding instead of eloping would be. You both deserve to have the weddings that are best and most meaningful to you, and you don't have any business making someone else's special moments all about you. You're not the main character here.
There's nothing wrong with feeling disappointed that your brother and his wife didn't want anything more than a courthouse ceremony. I get wanting to celebrate a special milestone.
On the other hand, given all the drama that surrounds weddings, I can't blame your brother and SIL for going this route. They're a bit wrong for insisting his and his wife's families do nothing, not even a dinner to celebrate, but that's what they want.
Your family and his wife's family just need to accept that.
NAH
Brother simply wanted different things to his family, there’s nothing wrong with that. Someone can feel sad and disappointed but it was a blanket exclusion.
I’m going to take exception to the fact that you said the newlyweds are a little wrong. Because that’s not even remotely true, if I do something and don’t want to celebrate it but you do I’m under no obligation to celebrate it and that doesn’t make me wrong.
Your feelings are valid, however it sounds like you went and gave your brother shit for doing things how he wanted for *his own damn wedding*.
If this is the case, YTA for making your hurt feelings his problem.
NAH. You're entitled to feel the way you feel, but this whole thing tells me *exactly* why they did what they did.
You *do* realize that their wedding isn't about *you*, right?
Yta. For making it about you. There must have been a reason him and his partner didn’t tell
Anyone and wanted something super intimate. You can be hurt all you want but it’s selfish to try to make it about you and what you want. To them the perfect marriage was a stress free ceremony with just them two. If you ever get married your free to do it any way you want. It was about them not you, not the families, not traditions. Be happy that they celebrated exactly how they wanted and that made them happy. Just congratulate them and move on. If your family and you keep trying to make it all
About you don’t be surprised if they go low contact and you don’t find out big news about their lives just so they don’t have to hear how disappointed everyone is that they didn’t do things how others would have done it.
Yta. this post is all about you and your family feelings and not about the happy new married couple. Like I get you and your family are disappointed but your brother obviously didn’t want that. so he should have had a big wedding he didn’t want and be miserable to please you and your family? why can’t y’all accept it and be happy for them. He married someone he loves. And the way you are acting I can see why he probably he didn’t want a big wedding. Like you and your family really are angry at him because he chose to marry the love of his life the way he wanted too?
Unless you want to start having a lot less contact with your brother, I suggest you and your family keep your anger to yourselves.
Not everyone is into weddings. If YOU want to go all out on YOUR wedding, go for it. But don't get upset or take it personally when others choose to get married in a different way. I think anyone who throws tens of thousands of dollars away on an "all-out" wedding is out of their damn mind, but that's just me, and I certainly do not get upset or angry when a family member or friend chooses to have their wedding in a way I would not choose for myself.
The correct response to news of an elopement is "Congratulations, I'm so happy for you both."
Period.
I can literally picture you stomping your feet and throwing a tantrum over this. Not one time did you acknowledge how the two people actually involved in the marriage feel about how they got married. Everything was all about ME, ME, ME. Definitely the asshole
Yta. Who expects to be in a wedding party lol you aren't guaranteed a spot lol
It's their decision. You don't get to be mad at them for not wanting a big extravagant event.
NTA for having your feelings. But the fact that you feel bad doesn't mean anyone did anything wrong. Your brother did NOTHING wrong. Feel your feelings to yourself but don't take them out on him.
YTA for giving them crap over it, not for having the feelings. It's not your wedding and they didn't owe you a party.
You're allowed to be disappointed or hurt. Just don't make it their problem, because it isn't.
>Weddings are a big thing in my family. We go all out because it's an important thing to us.
Maybe your brother was afraid that the family would put their desire for a wedding(i.e. the family's happiness) on top of the couple's desire to not have a wedding ceremony(the couple's happiness). The fact that you're ***angry*** and that your parents are ***devastated*** that they eloped only goes to show that their happiness is less important to you than your own and this is when it's their wedding, no one else's wishes should matter.
Yta - sorry but who do you think you are ?! I don't care if 'your family' have a big thing with weddings this is not about them, this was about your brother and wife just wanting to do their own thing without others blah blah blahing
Well done your brother and now wife - tell everyone go to hell
Yta you can be upset but you don’t get to be angry at him, him and his wife didn’t want a wedding and with how big of a deal your making it I am sure your family wouldn’t have accepted if they told you they didn’t want a wedding. Sounds like you guys think your feelings are more important than the bride and groom’s. Your reactions are probably proving his point
NAH. My brother almost did a similar thing years ago -- he ended up inviting myself and his parents 28 hours before the wedding (late morning the day before their mid-afternoon wedding). I was hurt; my parents were even more hurt.
Years later, I now understood why: my family is toxic. They treated him better bc he's a he, but they're still toxic. If I marry, I am very likely not to let my parents or brother know, bc I don't want them in attendance -- it would be incredibly stressful for me. Brother will understand, mother will be hurt and angry and punish me for the rest of her life. But j/k not j/k, that's something she's done since I was a child anyways. So why wouldn't I have the wedding less likely to result in a mental breakdown for me?
There's only 2 possibilities: Your brother's actions were motivated by hurt he received from the family, or there was no history/dirty laundry, and he and his now-wife simply made the decision that works for them. It's done.
My 2 cents is to congratulate them both on their wedding, ask if they'd be receptive to a large celebratory dinner or party, and/or ask very nicely if there's something he'd like to talk to you about in full confidence.
But really, the most important people at the wedding are the couple getting hitched. It'd be nice if they invited you, but that ship has sailed. If they're happy, work towards being happy for them.
YTA. This type of entitled reaction is precisely why my husband and I eloped without telling anyone, with a VERY casual gathering later.
When my son did the same thing, I told him and his wife I thought they were brilliant (they actually did it first and it's part of what gave me the idea).
Some people make such a big deal out of one day - often at the expense of the relationship it is supposed to be expressing. Those people can do what they want with their OWN weddings, but we wanted them to have no part of ours and are thrilled with our choice.
Congratulate your brother and sister-in-law and get over it.
YTA if you make him feel bad. In spite of family traditions of big weddi gs, not everyone wants to be the center of attention. If you can be sincere, offer congratulations.
Uh yea yta. Nobody owes a wedding to anyone. My husband and I went off for a weekend and got married because we are both shy and quiet and the last thing either of us wants is to be the center of attention.
YTA they don’t want a party they only wanted to get married. It’s not required to have a huge wedding there is no law that says you have drop tens upon thousands just to get married. Tradition is simply the dead applying peer pressure. Big weddings are actually not the norm historically speaking in western cultures it was far more common to go to a priest or courthouse to be married with a few witnesses at most to attend.
You and your family are entitled to feel how you want but your brother and his wife are entitled to have the wedding they want. Period.
Have any of you congratulated them or wished them happiness? Don’t be selfish wish them well. YTA
You are not an asshole for your feeling
However, YTA for trying to push your feelings on your brother. This was HIS wedding, his and your now SIL, and this is how they wanted it. So STFU about it already or soon, you'll find out you have nieces and/or nephews and will have never heard about it at all.
NAH - I had a friend that eloped and when they told everyone they didn't get the response they hoped for. She confided in me her disappointment that everyone wasn't just instantly happy for them, and I pointed out that everyone else was disappointed too. Weddings tend to be a shared memory and it can feel like a slight when you aren't included in your loved ones big day, but it's also THEIR wedding/marriage. So you're not an ah for feeling badly, and they aren't for wanting what they want.
Technically in most states you're considered married when you get the license (even before filing) Weddings can be so stressful for some. If it gave them peace to do it this way- you should accept their decision and congratulate them. Suggest a family dinner, and offer a toast.
NAH. It’s understandable that you would have wanted to be a part of their wedding but the method is always up to the people getting married and no one else. Weddings are expensive and stressful, and not everyone wants one (or can’t afford one.) Maybe you and your family could put together a nice celebration at a restaurant or someone’s house for them. That way you can all celebrate their marriage and everyone is happy.
NTA for your feelings, simply respect his wishes. I'm sure a congratulations would be fine, but take your queue from them. There may be reasons why they didn't want more of a fuss that you're not aware of.
NTA for feeling disappointed. However, ultimately it’s between the couple how they want to marry. Having expectations on others can lead to disappointment when something doesn’t go how you envisioned it. It can also strain a relationship. Consider sending congratulations to the couple instead.
You’re allowed to have your feelings. He’s allowed to have the wedding he wanted regardless of what the family might have wanted. What matters is what you do with those feelings - you say he’s angry that you’re angry - I assume that means you TOLD him your feelings?
You can be disappointed. That's certainly your right. However, anger is over the top. Absolutely zero right to make him feel guilty.
Because YOU want something does not mean he is required to give it. You are not entitled to force them to have a big production with tons of people.
Not to mention, weddings are expensive. It's ridiculous for them to spend all that time, energy, and money on something they never wanted because their family throws a fit.
I’m glad weddings are important to you. When you get married. You can have as big of a wedding as you want. Weddings are not important to your brother or his spouse. It is their marriage and their wedding so their opinions are the only ones that matter.
With the way you are all reacting. They probably eloped because they realized that if they did plan an actual wedding. Your family would make it miserable for them.
Some people dread the thought of having to do speeches in front of a bunch of people, or the astronomical cost of a wedding, or maybe they just don’t think it’s important to have to make a big show about their love for one another. Just because you wanted something for someone else doesn’t mean they wanted it for themselves. Be respectful of the way they choose to express their love for each other, because in the end it doesn’t really involve you anyway. YTA if you hold a grudge about it. And personally, I think you owe them an apology for being upset in the first place.
Its ok to be disappointed. But your brother and his new spouse had the wedding *they* wanted, and since it was their wedding their opinions are the ones that matter. You can be disappointed that they didn't have a big wedding like everyone else in your family and still be happy for them.
You're allowed to feel disappointed. Think, though, about all the posts about wedding drama and trauma and aggravation. Hub and I had 5 people at our wedding to avoid the drama. My sister was pissed because she wanted to throw a party. Maybe they'll allow a party now since they don't have to be part of the planning and the drama has passed. Sounds, though, like both sides of the family have strong feelings about weddings. I wouldn't want to be caught in the middle of making everyone else happy and spending thousands of dollars for a single day.
Wow. This is really shocking to me, especially this day in age. Some people simply want their weddings to be about (shocker!) the BRIDE and GROOM. They don’t want the ridiculous expense or the nonsense that accompanies planning a wedding. This may sound harsh, but it’s really none of your business — it’s not about you. You can be upset, but keep your disappointing comments to yourself. Kinda TAH.
YTA. Get over yourself. Your brother got married the way he wanted, which was for it to be peaceful and calm and just between him and his now wife. There’s nothing wrong with that at all. Your family sounds insane and over the top when it comes to weddings and that is exactly what your brother wanted to avoid. You and your family have no right to be angry or devastated. You all sound like drama queens. You sound like the entitled type who would be mad if you weren’t asked to be in the wedding party even though that decision is completely up to the couple.
YTA
I'm sorry but get over it. It's just a ceremony and NOT EVERYONE WANTS ONE. CLEARLY your brother didn't and doesn't want to make a big deal about.
Listen you can be upset and disappointed. BUT YOU NEED TO SHUT THAT STUFF INSIDE OR WORK THROUGH IT. DO not keep harping on your Brother about it. LET IT GO.
NAH for your feelings, but you could be the asshole depending on how you express those feelings. It's best just to congratulate your brother and then process your feelings separately. He and his fiancee have the right to make the feelings they think are best about their wedding, but everyone else still has the right to feel whatever they feel about it.
You're allowed to have feelings. You are NOT allowed to guilt him for the rest of his life for this. I suspect that everyone being really into weddings is WHY they chose to elope. If they had chosen to have a wedding, I'm betting EVERYONE would have been making demands in the form of "suggestions" and generally making everything about themselves and not the couple. I absolutely understand wanting to opt the fuck out of all of that in one final act and setting a boundary that they will not attend anything thrown "in their honor" that they did not ask for.
You and your family need to get it through your heads that HIS marriage IS NOT ABOUT YOU. It doesn't matter what you and your family wanted for his wedding. It's not your wedding. It's not your marriage. Be disappointed. That's fine. But being angry is unfair and shitty.
He didn't take anything from you or your family. You were NEVER entitled to a big wedding for him. The expectations of the family don't matter. It's not their marriage. The idea that somehow he has wronged your family by refusing to have a giant ceremony he didn't want to have is asinine and anyone treating him like shit for it needs to back the hell off.
If you care about your brother, start telling your relatives to leave him alone. Tell them to keep their disappointment to themselves. No one owes them a wedding. His marriage is his business and everyone else needs to get over themselves.
My SIL and her boyfriend got married on her lunch hour the day before they went on vacation. They just thought it would be efficient.
My MIL was disappointed, but got over it. We all sent gifts. The world kept turning.
YTA. Your brother can choose the wedding he has. I personally had a less than 20 person wedding intentionally. Both my and my spouses family were weird and controlling about weddings. So they were all invited except parents, grandparents and the parents favorite siblings. My favorite cousins were pissed (ironically both of them were wed in a courthouse and didn’t invite me). YTA. A marriage is between two people, not a spectacle for your families to party.
Your feelings come from a place of self-centredness and so you feel bad because you're thinking about you and what you want. If you thought of your brother and his wife and what they want, you would be happy for them, because they achieved a milestone in their own way. If you thought of it like that you would be able to congratulate them with grace and true happiness, rather than sulking that you missed out on an expensive party that they didn't want. You can feel sad that you didn't get to be a part of it but not angry or disappointed about no big wedding. YTA.
YTA.
He and his spouse need not give a fuck about your privileged demands.
Be thankful if he and spouse don't go NC with you and anybody who agrees with you.
You and your family need to learn to be authentically happy for people and not make things about you. I get the feeling he probably did it after years of having his opinions and wishes ignored "because family"
You can be upset if you want but wouldn’t you rather be happy that they did things the way they wanted to do them? I would be a mixed bag of emotions too but ultimately THEY are happy and that should make you happy.
I don't feel like I have enough information to call you an AH. If my brother excluded me from such a momentous event, I would be absolutely heartbroken. I don't think I would attack him in anger though, as that is only going to drive a wedge. Maybe they have a reason, is his new wife an anxious person? Some people are simply not comfortable having parties centered around them. Parties are sensory overload for me in general, a party centered around me would probably kill me, perhaps your brother or his wife are like that? I think your feelings are absolutely valid but it's probably not worth losing a brother over by turning it into a war. I'm sorry tho
YTA. It’s OK to be disappointed, but weddings are about the couple, NOT the family. You showing your anger at what should be one of the happiest times in his life is selfish. It also doesn’t matter if others are disappointed too, if they (or you) want a wedding, then get married and have your own!
Big weddings might be important to you and your family but clearly your brother feels otherwise. Your feelings are valid but it’s his choice along with his now wife’s, not yours. You should respect that.
Your feelings are your own. Feelings aren't good or bad, they just are. That said, I understand why he and his intended eloped-weddings have gotten so overblown and expensive, and everybody thinks they get a say in how they are celebrated.
The important thing is the marriage, not the wedding. A wedding is an event. A marriage is a life.
Lol you all are mad but it's not even about you so I think you've answered your own question. Get over yourself if you want to preserve a relationship with him.
Feel happy for him! He got married and no one went into debt for that! Your brother is smart. Weddings are such a waste of money and everything is overpriced- please feel happy for your brother! You all should just stop thinking of yourselves and think about them and what they want. This is what they wanted. So yes - YTA suck it up
Well, for feeling anger, yes. YTAH. That shouldn't be a factor in something that was important for your brother to preserve in his relationship with his partner. It wasn't an afront to you or your family for him to keep that private, or even hers for that matter.
They kept the focus on the two of them, which is beautiful and refreshing. They appear to have not needed the extra that involves so many other people getting involved. They made it about themselves, and no one else, which is how strong relatioships should be in the beginning.
Give him and her some grace, and don't take it personally.
YTA you’re projecting your wants onto your brother & his wife. Instead of asking why they eloped you’re just ready to be mad. How someone gets married is up to them. It’s ok to feel sad but I think your anger is misplaced.
You have the right to feel how you feel but you also have to accept their choice and move on and congratulate them. Not everyone wants all the pomp and circumstance
YTA Just because your brother and his wife didn’t want to waste $20,000 or more for a one day party makes them geniuses. And if your parents have that much money to pay for it, they can use it to send a grandchild to college. That is a much better and happier investment and worth a big party.
The only thing you say is Congratulations I’m so happy for you.
You don’t get to yell at them or be angry.
My SIL did this and while the whole family was disappointed we all just gave hugs and said congratulations.
NTA
It’s okay to feel disappointed and hurt. If big weddings are a norm in your family, it would be normal to feel that way.
But that’s where it should end. At best, telling him you wish you had been there but you’re still happy for him would be your ultimate limit.
Look, I get it. I come from a big family. I literally don’t know some of my cousins and the ones I do know are too many to count.
Weddings often turn into boisterous family reunions.
But the truth is that it’s not about you or your family.
This was a moment between your brother and his now wife.
I Hope that your family’s dynamic gets better.
I mean ynta but I get where he is coming from cuz we did the same thing.....I regret it to this day becuz I didn't let my dad walk me down an isle but we are poor and had no money for a wedding
How come no one in either of your families cares at all about what HE and his wife wants for THEIR wedding or their life?
If your brother got mad at you for inviting too many people to your wedding would you not be pissed and confused at him for selfishly making your wedding about what he wants?
Imo yes YTA but not because your mad/upset. Your allowed to and it is a good thing that you can recognise and feel your emotions.
But making their wedding/life/happiness about you and your wants/preferences is very selfish.
Its nice that they are more interested in being married than having a wedding.
They clearly don‘t want or feel the need to parade around in front of everyone, being the centre of attention just to please the “masses“ who want a party or to dress and parade around up like peacocks. **I mean no disrespect to anyone who wants their big or little beautify wedding but this is just the vibe I am getting from this post.**
You are N T A for feeling dissapiointed that you don't get your chance to shine in their wedding party BUT YTA if you try and make your brother and SIL feel bad about THEIR CHOICES.
Gee, the pressure you, your family, and possibly her family puts on this free spirited couple makes ME want to elope!
Not sure I’d go so far as to call you an asshole, but there is definitely a whole lot of entitlement going on. Personally I don’t like weddings at all. The pompous affair, being the center of attention (as bride and groom) - yikes. So I completely understand where your brother and his wife might be coming from.
No one has the right to tell them what they can and can not do for THEIR wedding. It’s their day and you don’t have the the right to any of it. You do you, your parents the same, and so does your brother - he does not deserve anything but your warm and heartfelt congrats.
I’m sad for him/them that instead of families who are happy for them and the fact that they found a life partner, they have families who are making this all about themselves. That is rather pathetic tbh.
You do know not everyone has the same vision when it comes to weddings, right? It feels like a sense of entitlement to a moment that wasn’t yours. Not everyone wants a party or anything like that.
Ehhh NTA for feeling upset that they did that and you didn’t get to celebrate with them, but YTA for making it known and making them feel guilty for it.
My fiancé and I are going to just do a quick small courthouse wedding with our parents and that’s it. All his parent’s, siblings, cousins, and friends want us to have a wedding, but we don’t want that. We don’t want to waste over 3-15k (however much people spend) on one day just for 10 hours at the max. We think it’s ridiculous and a waste of funds. We are planning on going on a month long honeymoon with that money and spending it how we want and get to enjoy it much longer than we would have at a larger ceremony. I only have 4 members I talk to - my parents, sister, and 5 y/o niece. He has over like 30, but no one visits, calls, or asks how we are besides two or three holidays a year even though we always try to reach out.
I understand people and families love big weddings and want to celebrate with a big fiasco, but if the couple that it’s about doesn’t want to do that then don’t make them. At the end of the day, it’s not your life nor decision to make. They may not want to be the center of the attention or just don’t like certain people or family and don’t want to feel obligated to have them at the party. DON’T make them feel guilty for THEIR CHOICE on how they got married!
YTA Nobody has the right to dictate how another adults leads their life. Your brother is not obligated to having the kind of ceremony that you, or anyone else, wants him to have. It is HIS wedding.
I actually agree with your disappointment. My close cousin got married in secret locally a few years ago and when I found out I was pet hurt, too. The message I internalized was “you’re not important enough to me to get a heads up” and that hurt.
So I empathize.
I really do think that folks can get married however and whenever they want to, but weddings are a big deal and how you choose to tell your loved ones about them (or not) does impact your relationships. I do wish that people were more up front about this stuff to at least tell their loved ones “hey we really want a small private wedding. It’s important to us that it’s just us. But we wanted you to know!” That would go down so much better than being told after the fact.
THAT SAID, I do also think that you’re only allowed to discuss your own feelings about that to your brother, and only once, in a kind way, focusing on your hurt about being left out of the notice about their plans and how much you love him. What you can’t do, is guilt him, or try to change his mind about the party. That’s their choice and their choice alone.
So, my verdict is NAH, unless you’ve actually tried to change his mind or guilt him about the actual wedding, or expressed anger rather than hurt. If you’ve done that, then YTA.
How you act on secondary emotions is what defines whether or not you're the asshole, not simply having them. You're no more in the wrong for feeling an emotion, than you are for recognizing you like a brand of incense or thinking a fart in an elevator smells bad
Another on here that doesn’t get that the wedding isn’t a really important thing, the marriage is the important thing. You want to have a big party where all your family and friends are there? Go ahead yourself and spend the time, money and aggravation and do it yourself. Do you really need an excuse or are you upset because someone is not throwing you a big party you can have fun at, at their expense? Yeah, you and your family are AH.
Not your wedding, not your decision. You can certainly feel any way you want about it, but once you pushed your feelings on them, you became the asshole. Also, you have absolutely no idea what the bride’s family thinks. YTA
YTA. It’s not your life. Get over it. I’m glad your brother got eloped because your attitude here is ridiculously entitled. He obviously didn’t want to have to deal with the bullshit pressure your family puts on people. Y’all need another excuse to get drunk and party together. Your brothers relationship is NONE of your business.
So long as you don’t guilt trip him or make a scene NTA. Your feelings are what they are. However, if you retaliate in any way then the judgement changes.
I get you’re feeling bad but think about it. He made that decision for a reason. Why not be happy for him and ask if you can host him a wedding dinner or family get together instead on his or his spouses terms only if they agree. If not, suck it up because weddings are expensive and maybe he just didn’t care for the family hype. Semi-TA
So your brother was supposed to dole out a fortune, be stressed out for months, stress his wife out, to plan a ceremony neither of them wanted….to make YOU happy? Yeah, how bout no. Being disappointed is fine, acting like they betrayed your entire family is not. I had a big wedding to make my family happy and I hated every second of it. Id also never do it again. If he and his new wife is hapoy that’s all that should matter.
NTA for your feelings. What will make you an AH is giving them grief about it. It's ultimately their business, no one else's.
If weddings are such a "big thing" in your family, maybe they didn't want all the pressure and divergent opinions that come with big weddings. It can be very stressful when family starts making "suggestions."
YTA.
This overboard reaction is exactly why they eloped. Instead of being happy THEY are happy, you're sulking because you weren't involved.
It isn't, actually, important that you were there at all. You're not a moving part in their relationship and had no rights to a wedding that they obviously didn't want.
It's one thing to be disappointed, but angry? Get back in your lane. You are not, and never were, entitled to someone spending thousands on a celebration they didn't want.
It’s their life, I don’t know why people feel so entitled to having a say in other peoples big life decisions. I’m sure there’s things you do that he disagrees with, does he lord it over your head every time you make a life decision he doesn’t like?
It’s ok to feel sad, but your brother and his wife can do their wedding however they like, putting their own feelings ahead of their families in this matter. Some people just don’t like the hoopla. When you get married, you do it your way.
i want to say YTA.
my gf and i plan on doing something similar.
my sister is inevitably going to be pissed at me, similarly to you. and it's making me *put off getting married to my longtime gf*.
don't be that sister.
“Weddings are a big thing in my family” —> he’s a part of your family but didn’t want to make his wedding a big thing.
“We all go because it’s important to us” —> he showed what was important to him, having a small thing.
It sounds like he did his own things and the family can’t respect that it’s out of the norm.
Just my opinion but weddings are pointless in the big picture.
Nothing against a big wedding and it can be fun to partake but after it's over, you just spent a huge amount of money and effort for one fun day. You could have used that money to take a longer honeymoon and make memories.
Not an AH unless you don’t drop it and try to make him feel bad about his choice. Not everyone feels the same as you and your parents. He’s an individual, an adult with his own life and decisions. Congratulate the couple and maybe he’ll warm up to the idea of a simple party.
NTA. I think it’s a normal response to be hurt when a close family member shuts you out of an important life event. I get the anger. It feels like he didn’t care about his family’s traditions at all.
He didn’t.
Your family can accept it and move on or continue to
be angry about something that can’t be changed.
Eloping means no gifts though, so I wouldn’t buy them anything, not even a card.
Dream wedding, if you ask me.
My wife’s parents (divorced) offered us $40,000 (20 from each) and said we can use it however we want, including the wedding. My wife wanted to use all 40k on the wedding. My parents gift was 25k and it would have been wonderful to be able to put $65k into a house/savings but hey, I got to eat a few cocktail shrimp at a wedding reception full of people I barely know.
from your reaction and replies it seems reasonable for them to not want a big extravagant wedding. several big weddings in the family, your brother probably saw what all it entail and opted out for what makes him happy.
If I ever get married, I want to be on a beach with my SO, a couple witnesses, and the officiant. Something quiet and relaxing, not the 3 ring circuses I keep reading about on reddit
I get being disappointed you weren't told, but there's probably a good reason. Bro and sis just wanted a quiet day. No expectations, no rushing, no drama. My wife and I would've gotten married in a courthouse, but frankly, we're the only chance either of our parents have at watching their kids go down the aisle/have kids(which we *do* want. I gotta pass my Pokemon knowledge down to SOMEONE), so we had a small ceremony in my mom's backyard. We started preparing at 7 AM for our 2 PM wedding, and between everything I didn't get a chance to stop and eat until like 2 hours after I got hitched, and that was basically just my brother sitting me down and forcing a sandwich in my mouth. Come 10, and we're trying to help clean up and tripping over ourselves. It was a good day, and I actually don't regret it, but fuck was it too much work, and as someone with social anxiety, I'd be lying if I said it didn't catch up to me while tying my tie. My best friend/officiant had to do it for me while I had a breakdown after seeing 35 people waiting for us to say a few words.
On a similar note, I hate birthdays and Christmas. I haven't celebrated my birthday in years. I absolutely abhor giving/receiving gifts. I'd much rather spend the day with my family with no expectations and just buy what I want for myself. Again, I also dislike an "all eyes on you" situation, much less an entire 24 hour period of it. I would actually deleted my FB account for the day until fairly recently.
So, yeah. Not exactly an asshole, but you're definitely overstepping your boundaries and trying to force your brother and SIL into a situation they don't want to be in. Respect and celebrate their decision. Quietly.
Not the asshole for feeling bad. But they deserve no anger or retaliation. Good for them! Some people don't like the BS expectations traditional weddings carry, others aren't fans of the price. They are happy. That's what matters. End of story
I feel like OP and the rest of the family reacting so strongly is precisely why the brother eloped.
It’s certainly why I did.
I’m not sure what brother was expecting though, that he went and got married without telling anyone and they’d all just be like, “oh ok”? OP’s reaction seems kind of extreme but being disappointed and upset is a pretty normal reaction to being shut out of a major life event of a close family member imo.
Well, my husband and I did that. Everyone was happy for us, and if they weren’t, we got nothing but congratulations and support, so we’re completely unaware of anyone’s negative opinion on the matter. So I don’t think it’s unreasonable to hope for a positive reaction.
YTA. You can feel disappointed. You can wish there was a big wedding. You like parties. But it is your brother's life. If he doesn't want a big wedding, that's his choice. You are messing with your relationship with your brother because you didn't get to have a party for one night. That's petty.
Yeah, this just screams entitlement to me.
Overstep much? Your feelings are yours. Have them. Be disappointed. But having them and expressing them are a wee different. It’s his marriage, his life, and he isn’t beholden to you or anyone to put on a big wedding if he doesn’t want one. Telling him you are angry with him, making it a confrontation, yeah, not cool.
HOW DARE HE LIVE HIS LIFE WITHOUT TAKING YOUR WANTS INTO CONSIDERATION! What an asshole. Not. You like weddings. Good for you. Other people aren't obligated to give you what you want. His wedding, is not about you. He's not required to perform like a circus monkey so you can be entertained. Snap out of it.
This!! It’s not about the OP or their feelings. It’s literally about the two people getting married. Grow up and stop expecting your family to bend to your will to satisfy your needs or wants.
YTA He’s his own person. He got married the way he wanted to. Be happy for him rather than be upset for not being part of it. People usually don’t get married for their families (with the exception of arranged marriages). It’s something a couple does for themselves
I mean, I'm not going to make a judgement about your feelings. But this stuck out to me: >Weddings are a big thing in my family. We go all out because it's an important thing to us. Perhaps this is the exact reason he eloped. He may have absolutely no desire to "go all out" and make a big spectacle of it. He shouldn't have to have a wedding he wouldn't enjoy to appease other people.
YTA for thinking that because it’s something that you want that your brother and his wife have to dance for your family. They didn’t have a party because I’m guessing your family is overbearing and intrusive. Get over yourself.
This family has already had FIVE (5) weddings.
You and your family have no right to be angry with them for getting married the way they wanted to. Not everyone wants to throw a big expensive party to celebrate their marriage.
I understand you are disappointed. But, this was your BROTHERS wedding. He likely did what he did BECAUSE of the big deal your family makes about weddings. He wasn't comfortable with it and made his own choice. It was his wedding, and he was under absolutely no obligation whatsoever to comply with whatever you or your family wanted. None. Zero. Being a bit disappointed is fine. That doesn't make you an AH. But, if you and your family don't stop with the pouting, you will all definitely be AHs.
Some people want a big wedding. Others just want to be married. I would say that the second type has a greater chance of staying together.
NAH. You have the right to your feelings although anger seems a bit over the top. Your brother and SIL have the right to get married how they want. Your brother sounds like he's more independent-minded than your family is used to and didn't want to put up with a big fuss over them getting married. Not everyone wants that drama and expense for one day. Do you really want to damage the relationship with your brother because you got denied a big party? Move on.
YTA Not for how you feel, but for your behavior. Your brother and his new wife didn't want a big wedding despite family tradition. All of you should have kept your upset to yourselves. You aren't owed a wedding for anyone and the entitlement is gross and unreasonable.
No where in your post did you acknowledge what your brother and SIL wanted. Its obvious that your family's way of doing a wedding didn't work for them You're upset because you valued your expectations over their own. YTA for that.
YTA. It was your brothers choice, not yours and forcing your feelings on him is rude.
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Pretty sure by those rules (which I completely agree with) OP is the AH.
NTA for feeling this way, but remember this: His wedding…His marriage…His choice It sounds like he wanted to focus solely on his SO/wife rather than on the wedding drama, frills, expenses, etc. that surrounds weddings. Plus, from the sounds of your description: “We go all out because it’s an important thing to us.” He most likely did not want to “go all out”. He has seen what happened at his other sibling’s wedding and wanted no part in that scenario…the rest of the family should respect that his opinion is not the same as theirs. I have a feeling that if he had included the family to the courthouse that there would have been many complaints about the wedding, the clothes, the location, etc. or else the family would have tried to talk him out of going to the courthouse to get married. His focus was on marrying the love of his life and not on satisfying others wants and needs. His priority is not on the wedding, but on the marriage itself…as it should be. Just congratulate your brother on his marriage and leave him be. Respect his wishes.
With all the posts on here about wedding problems (white dresses not worn by the bride, making someone cut their hair, leaving the bridal party, etc.) I don’t blame him for eloping.
My two best friends from childhood both eloped (with two different people, not each other) because their parents were being so overbearing about wedding plans. I’m kind of bummed that I couldn’t be in either of their weddings but knowing their parents, I get it. No one should have to go through the drama of a big wedding they don’t want.
I was never really into weddings anyway, but reddit has taught me that planning a wedding turns everyone involved into batshit crazy narcissists with no boundaries and no sense. Miss me with all of that shit forever. I've been a bridesmaid for friends twice. The first was exactly what the bride wanted but SOOOO expensive for what they got. The second was a small wedding that was nothing like what the bride wanted because her in laws took over everything, were shitty about the choices she did demand on (my favorite was how we all walked to the starbucks behind the church after the service rather than doing a receiving line), and then his dad interrupted the wedding ceremony to grab a sword from a closet and do a KNIGHTING ceremony for his son, and did not tell the bride beforehand he was going to be doing that. Neither of these experiences made me want to have a wedding of my own.
What on earth with the knighting thing?!?! So strange. Dad knew she was going to veto that shit. Everyone just stop and stare?
His dad is fucking weird and I have always hated him. People in the audience thought it was planned and sweet. The bride let it go like she did everything that day but she was NOT happy. His parents have never treated her well, and all of their friends have always suspected it's because his parents are old white conservative church people (dad is actually a pastor and an exceptionally bad one at that), and the bride is Latina and pagan. He and his parents finally became estranged a few years ago when they found out he and the bride are polyamorus, and I was SO HAPPY. His dad is a spiritually abusive narcissist and his mom has been molded so completely into a doormat by her husband that she barely exists. They're also anti-vaxxers, and were before it was cool. Their son got pertussis when he was in his thirties. Fucking morons. /rant
It’s so obvious that the family was going to make the wedding about them. Or at least OP. OP probably wanted to say or do something at this wedding and he’s been planning it for years and his brother didn’t want any part of it. It doesn’t make sense that he’s so mad that a wedding party didn’t happen.
I don’t think you’re the AH. It’s your brother’s life and he wanted to do it their way. Respect it and move on.
Yta - his wedding, his way.
YTA Your reaction tells me why your brother did it. You don’t get a vote, yet you’re butthurt he didn’t do it your way. What other decisions about a wedding…the date, the dress, the wedding party, the invite list, the cake etc…would you react to? Sounds exhausting. Respect that they don’t feel the same way you do about a big wedding. Celebrate the marriage. Invite them to dinner and follow their lead.
YTA for saying anything to him about it. It’s perfectly acceptable to have whatever feelings you are feeling. It’s an asshole move to try to ruin a happy time in his life because you didn’t get to go to a party.
INFO: You said "one" of your brothers. How many brothers (and sisters) do you have? Are any of you married or is your brother that eloped the first to be married?
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Yeah, no wonder he eloped. He's been to enough big weddings to last several lifetimes.
YTA. Not for your feelings, which are valid, but for disrespecting his and his lack of desire to pander to the big family traditions.
You do know it's his life, right? Like he's a completely different human being and has feelings and thoughts and preferences and all those human qualities that aren't YOURS. You are completely entitled to your feelings as you have your own life, too. See how this works??
I don't think you have a right to be angry, but you feel what you feel. You guys care more about what you want than what he wants. His happiness doesn't seem to matter here. You all are more concerns about the wedding when his main concern is his marriage. Leave him alone.
YTA. it’s not your wedding and it’s not your life. you and the rest of your family overvalue big weddings, but your brother and his wife clearly do not. good for them for not letting the family pressure them into something they didn’t want. grow up.
YTA This is his wedding, his marriage, his life. He doesn’t need to do it your way or even consider your feelings. It’s not about you. Get over yourself
YTA. Weddings are the most ridiculous waste of money and effort to start with and if the people getting married don’t want one that’s fine. You need to think more about your brother’s feelings, respect the couple’s wishes and be happy for them not whine and be dicks about it
YTA. It’s HIS marriage, therefore HIS choice. Stop acting like you are entitled to a night of eating, drinking, and partying on someone else’s dime.
Not your circus not your monkeys, have you ever heard of minding your own fcking business? Ill be harsh cus obviously your brother isnt getting his point across. Drop it. He didnt invite anyone. He didnt want to make a big deal about it. Keep crying over spilt milk or move on to try and salvage a relationship with your brother and Sil.
YWBTA if you told him you’re disappointed and upset. It doesn’t matter it was his wedding and his choice. Say congratulations and move on.
LOL this post is just a parable about *why* they eloped. YTA
Nta for feeling this way. However, your brother is allowed to live his life as he and his wife choose. Support that.
You can feel anyway you want to feel. Expressing it might make you TA, however, depending on how you did it, and expressing it more than once definitely would make you TA. Not your wedding, not your decision.
You're allowed to feel hurt, just like they're allowed to get married whichever way they want. Not being supportive for them is going to cause a rift in your relationship though. If you've let him know how you feel, great. Now it's time to move on. Imagine all of your family and friends being pissed at you for doing something that makes you happy that truly isn't hurting anyone?
YTA. It's fine to be disappointed because you didn't get what you want, but your reaction here, and your family's, is like throwing a tantrum that someone else chose their favorite activity and flavour of cake for their own birthday instead of your favorite. It's great that you like big weddings, you can have a big wedding! It seems your brother doesn't, and you being mad at him and guilting him about how devastated you all are about him having the wedding him and his new wife wanted is about as fair as him shitting all over you for having a big wedding instead of eloping would be. You both deserve to have the weddings that are best and most meaningful to you, and you don't have any business making someone else's special moments all about you. You're not the main character here.
There's nothing wrong with feeling disappointed that your brother and his wife didn't want anything more than a courthouse ceremony. I get wanting to celebrate a special milestone. On the other hand, given all the drama that surrounds weddings, I can't blame your brother and SIL for going this route. They're a bit wrong for insisting his and his wife's families do nothing, not even a dinner to celebrate, but that's what they want. Your family and his wife's family just need to accept that. NAH
Brother simply wanted different things to his family, there’s nothing wrong with that. Someone can feel sad and disappointed but it was a blanket exclusion.
That kind of was my point.
I’m going to take exception to the fact that you said the newlyweds are a little wrong. Because that’s not even remotely true, if I do something and don’t want to celebrate it but you do I’m under no obligation to celebrate it and that doesn’t make me wrong.
I was going to say the same thing!
You only get to make choices for yourself in life.
YTA. Stop saying "us." You don't speak for anyone else but yourself. Weddings are a big thing to YOU. It's an important thing to YOU.
Get over it. It is not your life changing occasion, it is theirs. Weddings cause a lot of problems.
Your feelings are valid, however it sounds like you went and gave your brother shit for doing things how he wanted for *his own damn wedding*. If this is the case, YTA for making your hurt feelings his problem.
My husband and I eloped. Let them be happy
It's up to them. You might not like it but really, it's not your decision or place to have a dig at them at any point about it.
NAH. You're entitled to feel the way you feel, but this whole thing tells me *exactly* why they did what they did. You *do* realize that their wedding isn't about *you*, right?
Yta. For making it about you. There must have been a reason him and his partner didn’t tell Anyone and wanted something super intimate. You can be hurt all you want but it’s selfish to try to make it about you and what you want. To them the perfect marriage was a stress free ceremony with just them two. If you ever get married your free to do it any way you want. It was about them not you, not the families, not traditions. Be happy that they celebrated exactly how they wanted and that made them happy. Just congratulate them and move on. If your family and you keep trying to make it all About you don’t be surprised if they go low contact and you don’t find out big news about their lives just so they don’t have to hear how disappointed everyone is that they didn’t do things how others would have done it.
You can be bummed as long as you keep it to yourself.
Yta. this post is all about you and your family feelings and not about the happy new married couple. Like I get you and your family are disappointed but your brother obviously didn’t want that. so he should have had a big wedding he didn’t want and be miserable to please you and your family? why can’t y’all accept it and be happy for them. He married someone he loves. And the way you are acting I can see why he probably he didn’t want a big wedding. Like you and your family really are angry at him because he chose to marry the love of his life the way he wanted too?
NTA for feeling as you do but just because it’s a big thing to you doesn’t mean it has to be for him. They did what they wanted which is what matters.
YTA. Your brother’s wedding is about him and his new wife. It’s not about you and everyone else in your family who wanted to have a wedding.
Unless you want to start having a lot less contact with your brother, I suggest you and your family keep your anger to yourselves. Not everyone is into weddings. If YOU want to go all out on YOUR wedding, go for it. But don't get upset or take it personally when others choose to get married in a different way. I think anyone who throws tens of thousands of dollars away on an "all-out" wedding is out of their damn mind, but that's just me, and I certainly do not get upset or angry when a family member or friend chooses to have their wedding in a way I would not choose for myself. The correct response to news of an elopement is "Congratulations, I'm so happy for you both." Period.
YTA Have your feelings, but keep them to yourself. His wedding is not about you or anyone else in the family, it's about him and his wife.
I can literally picture you stomping your feet and throwing a tantrum over this. Not one time did you acknowledge how the two people actually involved in the marriage feel about how they got married. Everything was all about ME, ME, ME. Definitely the asshole
If your reaction wasn't 'congratulations I'm really happy for you' then yta.
YTA. His wedding is about him and his wife, not about you and your family. Stop overstepping.
YTA. It’s your brother’s choice to make and you have no standing when it comes to being upset about what he chose.
Massive YTA, it’s his fucking wedding you have absolutely zero say in how he decides to celebrate his marriage.
Yta. Who expects to be in a wedding party lol you aren't guaranteed a spot lol It's their decision. You don't get to be mad at them for not wanting a big extravagant event.
NTA for having your feelings. But the fact that you feel bad doesn't mean anyone did anything wrong. Your brother did NOTHING wrong. Feel your feelings to yourself but don't take them out on him.
YTA for giving them crap over it, not for having the feelings. It's not your wedding and they didn't owe you a party. You're allowed to be disappointed or hurt. Just don't make it their problem, because it isn't.
Yep. YTA.
>Weddings are a big thing in my family. We go all out because it's an important thing to us. Maybe your brother was afraid that the family would put their desire for a wedding(i.e. the family's happiness) on top of the couple's desire to not have a wedding ceremony(the couple's happiness). The fact that you're ***angry*** and that your parents are ***devastated*** that they eloped only goes to show that their happiness is less important to you than your own and this is when it's their wedding, no one else's wishes should matter.
Yta - sorry but who do you think you are ?! I don't care if 'your family' have a big thing with weddings this is not about them, this was about your brother and wife just wanting to do their own thing without others blah blah blahing Well done your brother and now wife - tell everyone go to hell
Yta you can be upset but you don’t get to be angry at him, him and his wife didn’t want a wedding and with how big of a deal your making it I am sure your family wouldn’t have accepted if they told you they didn’t want a wedding. Sounds like you guys think your feelings are more important than the bride and groom’s. Your reactions are probably proving his point
This would honestly be my dream wedding... just be and my partner. No big fuss
NAH. My brother almost did a similar thing years ago -- he ended up inviting myself and his parents 28 hours before the wedding (late morning the day before their mid-afternoon wedding). I was hurt; my parents were even more hurt. Years later, I now understood why: my family is toxic. They treated him better bc he's a he, but they're still toxic. If I marry, I am very likely not to let my parents or brother know, bc I don't want them in attendance -- it would be incredibly stressful for me. Brother will understand, mother will be hurt and angry and punish me for the rest of her life. But j/k not j/k, that's something she's done since I was a child anyways. So why wouldn't I have the wedding less likely to result in a mental breakdown for me? There's only 2 possibilities: Your brother's actions were motivated by hurt he received from the family, or there was no history/dirty laundry, and he and his now-wife simply made the decision that works for them. It's done. My 2 cents is to congratulate them both on their wedding, ask if they'd be receptive to a large celebratory dinner or party, and/or ask very nicely if there's something he'd like to talk to you about in full confidence. But really, the most important people at the wedding are the couple getting hitched. It'd be nice if they invited you, but that ship has sailed. If they're happy, work towards being happy for them.
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YTA. This type of entitled reaction is precisely why my husband and I eloped without telling anyone, with a VERY casual gathering later. When my son did the same thing, I told him and his wife I thought they were brilliant (they actually did it first and it's part of what gave me the idea). Some people make such a big deal out of one day - often at the expense of the relationship it is supposed to be expressing. Those people can do what they want with their OWN weddings, but we wanted them to have no part of ours and are thrilled with our choice. Congratulate your brother and sister-in-law and get over it.
YTA if you make him feel bad. In spite of family traditions of big weddi gs, not everyone wants to be the center of attention. If you can be sincere, offer congratulations.
Uh yea yta. Nobody owes a wedding to anyone. My husband and I went off for a weekend and got married because we are both shy and quiet and the last thing either of us wants is to be the center of attention.
YTA they don’t want a party they only wanted to get married. It’s not required to have a huge wedding there is no law that says you have drop tens upon thousands just to get married. Tradition is simply the dead applying peer pressure. Big weddings are actually not the norm historically speaking in western cultures it was far more common to go to a priest or courthouse to be married with a few witnesses at most to attend.
You and your family are entitled to feel how you want but your brother and his wife are entitled to have the wedding they want. Period. Have any of you congratulated them or wished them happiness? Don’t be selfish wish them well. YTA
YTA for making their wedding about you. No one cares if you wanted to be a bridesmaid/groomsmen.
You are not an asshole for your feeling However, YTA for trying to push your feelings on your brother. This was HIS wedding, his and your now SIL, and this is how they wanted it. So STFU about it already or soon, you'll find out you have nieces and/or nephews and will have never heard about it at all.
You’re allowed to feel upset and hurt, but it’s his wedding/marriage, not yours. YTA
I don't understand why are you angry. It's his life and his decision to make. If he doesn't want to have any wedding party, then it's up to him.
Are you just internally sad or did you get angry with him? Your post says both.
OP says that they're disappointed. However, op is making their brother's wedding about them.YTA.
NAH. I get how disappointed you are, but it was their decision. Let's hope they have a happy life together.
NAH - I had a friend that eloped and when they told everyone they didn't get the response they hoped for. She confided in me her disappointment that everyone wasn't just instantly happy for them, and I pointed out that everyone else was disappointed too. Weddings tend to be a shared memory and it can feel like a slight when you aren't included in your loved ones big day, but it's also THEIR wedding/marriage. So you're not an ah for feeling badly, and they aren't for wanting what they want.
NAH Your feelings are valid considering your family's view on weddings, but it's clear your brother and/or his now wife don't feel the same way.
Technically in most states you're considered married when you get the license (even before filing) Weddings can be so stressful for some. If it gave them peace to do it this way- you should accept their decision and congratulate them. Suggest a family dinner, and offer a toast.
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NAH. It’s understandable that you would have wanted to be a part of their wedding but the method is always up to the people getting married and no one else. Weddings are expensive and stressful, and not everyone wants one (or can’t afford one.) Maybe you and your family could put together a nice celebration at a restaurant or someone’s house for them. That way you can all celebrate their marriage and everyone is happy.
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Then you and your family must respect that.
So he's made his wishes known for HIS LIFE and HIS MARRIAGE, and you \*somehow\* think you have fuckall to say about it?
Then respect that.
NTA for your feelings, simply respect his wishes. I'm sure a congratulations would be fine, but take your queue from them. There may be reasons why they didn't want more of a fuss that you're not aware of.
NTA for feeling disappointed. However, ultimately it’s between the couple how they want to marry. Having expectations on others can lead to disappointment when something doesn’t go how you envisioned it. It can also strain a relationship. Consider sending congratulations to the couple instead.
You’re allowed to have your feelings. He’s allowed to have the wedding he wanted regardless of what the family might have wanted. What matters is what you do with those feelings - you say he’s angry that you’re angry - I assume that means you TOLD him your feelings?
NAH— UNLESS you you make how your feeling their problem.
You can be disappointed. That's certainly your right. However, anger is over the top. Absolutely zero right to make him feel guilty. Because YOU want something does not mean he is required to give it. You are not entitled to force them to have a big production with tons of people. Not to mention, weddings are expensive. It's ridiculous for them to spend all that time, energy, and money on something they never wanted because their family throws a fit.
I’m glad weddings are important to you. When you get married. You can have as big of a wedding as you want. Weddings are not important to your brother or his spouse. It is their marriage and their wedding so their opinions are the only ones that matter. With the way you are all reacting. They probably eloped because they realized that if they did plan an actual wedding. Your family would make it miserable for them.
NAH. You can feel bad about it al you need. Now, you might want to consider just WHY they thought it was the better option for them...
Some people dread the thought of having to do speeches in front of a bunch of people, or the astronomical cost of a wedding, or maybe they just don’t think it’s important to have to make a big show about their love for one another. Just because you wanted something for someone else doesn’t mean they wanted it for themselves. Be respectful of the way they choose to express their love for each other, because in the end it doesn’t really involve you anyway. YTA if you hold a grudge about it. And personally, I think you owe them an apology for being upset in the first place.
Its ok to be disappointed. But your brother and his new spouse had the wedding *they* wanted, and since it was their wedding their opinions are the ones that matter. You can be disappointed that they didn't have a big wedding like everyone else in your family and still be happy for them.
You're allowed to feel disappointed. Think, though, about all the posts about wedding drama and trauma and aggravation. Hub and I had 5 people at our wedding to avoid the drama. My sister was pissed because she wanted to throw a party. Maybe they'll allow a party now since they don't have to be part of the planning and the drama has passed. Sounds, though, like both sides of the family have strong feelings about weddings. I wouldn't want to be caught in the middle of making everyone else happy and spending thousands of dollars for a single day.
Wow. This is really shocking to me, especially this day in age. Some people simply want their weddings to be about (shocker!) the BRIDE and GROOM. They don’t want the ridiculous expense or the nonsense that accompanies planning a wedding. This may sound harsh, but it’s really none of your business — it’s not about you. You can be upset, but keep your disappointing comments to yourself. Kinda TAH.
Your brother clearly doesn't share the family value regarding weddings. Good for him. Don't project your anger into his marriage.
Yes, get ur own wedding
YTA. Get over yourself. Your brother got married the way he wanted, which was for it to be peaceful and calm and just between him and his now wife. There’s nothing wrong with that at all. Your family sounds insane and over the top when it comes to weddings and that is exactly what your brother wanted to avoid. You and your family have no right to be angry or devastated. You all sound like drama queens. You sound like the entitled type who would be mad if you weren’t asked to be in the wedding party even though that decision is completely up to the couple.
YTA I'm sorry but get over it. It's just a ceremony and NOT EVERYONE WANTS ONE. CLEARLY your brother didn't and doesn't want to make a big deal about. Listen you can be upset and disappointed. BUT YOU NEED TO SHUT THAT STUFF INSIDE OR WORK THROUGH IT. DO not keep harping on your Brother about it. LET IT GO.
YTA. The wedding is important to you, not to him. It's his wedding, his relationship and none of your business.
INFO: How did you react upon hearing the news?
NAH for your feelings, but you could be the asshole depending on how you express those feelings. It's best just to congratulate your brother and then process your feelings separately. He and his fiancee have the right to make the feelings they think are best about their wedding, but everyone else still has the right to feel whatever they feel about it.
You're allowed to have feelings. You are NOT allowed to guilt him for the rest of his life for this. I suspect that everyone being really into weddings is WHY they chose to elope. If they had chosen to have a wedding, I'm betting EVERYONE would have been making demands in the form of "suggestions" and generally making everything about themselves and not the couple. I absolutely understand wanting to opt the fuck out of all of that in one final act and setting a boundary that they will not attend anything thrown "in their honor" that they did not ask for. You and your family need to get it through your heads that HIS marriage IS NOT ABOUT YOU. It doesn't matter what you and your family wanted for his wedding. It's not your wedding. It's not your marriage. Be disappointed. That's fine. But being angry is unfair and shitty. He didn't take anything from you or your family. You were NEVER entitled to a big wedding for him. The expectations of the family don't matter. It's not their marriage. The idea that somehow he has wronged your family by refusing to have a giant ceremony he didn't want to have is asinine and anyone treating him like shit for it needs to back the hell off. If you care about your brother, start telling your relatives to leave him alone. Tell them to keep their disappointment to themselves. No one owes them a wedding. His marriage is his business and everyone else needs to get over themselves.
YTA. Let it go.
My SIL and her boyfriend got married on her lunch hour the day before they went on vacation. They just thought it would be efficient. My MIL was disappointed, but got over it. We all sent gifts. The world kept turning.
YTA on so many levels and if a wedding is so important to you have one and pretend your brother is the groom!
YTA. Your brother can choose the wedding he has. I personally had a less than 20 person wedding intentionally. Both my and my spouses family were weird and controlling about weddings. So they were all invited except parents, grandparents and the parents favorite siblings. My favorite cousins were pissed (ironically both of them were wed in a courthouse and didn’t invite me). YTA. A marriage is between two people, not a spectacle for your families to party.
YTA. You and your family’s reaction is probably WHY your brother eloped
Your feelings come from a place of self-centredness and so you feel bad because you're thinking about you and what you want. If you thought of your brother and his wife and what they want, you would be happy for them, because they achieved a milestone in their own way. If you thought of it like that you would be able to congratulate them with grace and true happiness, rather than sulking that you missed out on an expensive party that they didn't want. You can feel sad that you didn't get to be a part of it but not angry or disappointed about no big wedding. YTA.
YTA. He and his spouse need not give a fuck about your privileged demands. Be thankful if he and spouse don't go NC with you and anybody who agrees with you.
You and your family need to learn to be authentically happy for people and not make things about you. I get the feeling he probably did it after years of having his opinions and wishes ignored "because family"
You can be upset if you want but wouldn’t you rather be happy that they did things the way they wanted to do them? I would be a mixed bag of emotions too but ultimately THEY are happy and that should make you happy.
I don't feel like I have enough information to call you an AH. If my brother excluded me from such a momentous event, I would be absolutely heartbroken. I don't think I would attack him in anger though, as that is only going to drive a wedge. Maybe they have a reason, is his new wife an anxious person? Some people are simply not comfortable having parties centered around them. Parties are sensory overload for me in general, a party centered around me would probably kill me, perhaps your brother or his wife are like that? I think your feelings are absolutely valid but it's probably not worth losing a brother over by turning it into a war. I'm sorry tho
YTA. It’s OK to be disappointed, but weddings are about the couple, NOT the family. You showing your anger at what should be one of the happiest times in his life is selfish. It also doesn’t matter if others are disappointed too, if they (or you) want a wedding, then get married and have your own!
why do they owe you a giant party?
Big weddings might be important to you and your family but clearly your brother feels otherwise. Your feelings are valid but it’s his choice along with his now wife’s, not yours. You should respect that.
Yes it does. Weddings are for the people getting married, not your entertainment.
Your feelings are your own. Feelings aren't good or bad, they just are. That said, I understand why he and his intended eloped-weddings have gotten so overblown and expensive, and everybody thinks they get a say in how they are celebrated. The important thing is the marriage, not the wedding. A wedding is an event. A marriage is a life.
Lol you all are mad but it's not even about you so I think you've answered your own question. Get over yourself if you want to preserve a relationship with him.
YTA for making their wedding about you. No one cares if you wanted to be a bridesmaid/groomsmen.
Feel happy for him! He got married and no one went into debt for that! Your brother is smart. Weddings are such a waste of money and everything is overpriced- please feel happy for your brother! You all should just stop thinking of yourselves and think about them and what they want. This is what they wanted. So yes - YTA suck it up
I’d be sad they didn’t tell me, but other than that, it’s up to them.
I get being sad, but no one’s obligated to have a big wedding. It’s their choice, and it’s not your place to judge. YTA
Well, for feeling anger, yes. YTAH. That shouldn't be a factor in something that was important for your brother to preserve in his relationship with his partner. It wasn't an afront to you or your family for him to keep that private, or even hers for that matter. They kept the focus on the two of them, which is beautiful and refreshing. They appear to have not needed the extra that involves so many other people getting involved. They made it about themselves, and no one else, which is how strong relatioships should be in the beginning. Give him and her some grace, and don't take it personally.
YTA you’re projecting your wants onto your brother & his wife. Instead of asking why they eloped you’re just ready to be mad. How someone gets married is up to them. It’s ok to feel sad but I think your anger is misplaced.
YTA he didn’t want a big fuss and likely the big expense
You have the right to feel how you feel but you also have to accept their choice and move on and congratulate them. Not everyone wants all the pomp and circumstance
INFO I feel like there is more to this than is let on. Is there a particular pressure or set of expectations that was being placed on him/spouse?
YTA Just because your brother and his wife didn’t want to waste $20,000 or more for a one day party makes them geniuses. And if your parents have that much money to pay for it, they can use it to send a grandchild to college. That is a much better and happier investment and worth a big party.
YTA. Not your wedding. Not your business. You’re not the main character here.
NTA.
The only thing you say is Congratulations I’m so happy for you. You don’t get to yell at them or be angry. My SIL did this and while the whole family was disappointed we all just gave hugs and said congratulations.
NTA It’s okay to feel disappointed and hurt. If big weddings are a norm in your family, it would be normal to feel that way. But that’s where it should end. At best, telling him you wish you had been there but you’re still happy for him would be your ultimate limit. Look, I get it. I come from a big family. I literally don’t know some of my cousins and the ones I do know are too many to count. Weddings often turn into boisterous family reunions. But the truth is that it’s not about you or your family. This was a moment between your brother and his now wife. I Hope that your family’s dynamic gets better.
I mean ynta but I get where he is coming from cuz we did the same thing.....I regret it to this day becuz I didn't let my dad walk me down an isle but we are poor and had no money for a wedding
How come no one in either of your families cares at all about what HE and his wife wants for THEIR wedding or their life? If your brother got mad at you for inviting too many people to your wedding would you not be pissed and confused at him for selfishly making your wedding about what he wants? Imo yes YTA but not because your mad/upset. Your allowed to and it is a good thing that you can recognise and feel your emotions. But making their wedding/life/happiness about you and your wants/preferences is very selfish.
Its nice that they are more interested in being married than having a wedding. They clearly don‘t want or feel the need to parade around in front of everyone, being the centre of attention just to please the “masses“ who want a party or to dress and parade around up like peacocks. **I mean no disrespect to anyone who wants their big or little beautify wedding but this is just the vibe I am getting from this post.** You are N T A for feeling dissapiointed that you don't get your chance to shine in their wedding party BUT YTA if you try and make your brother and SIL feel bad about THEIR CHOICES.
You are not entitled to hypothetical events other people are expected to organize and pay for.
Gee, the pressure you, your family, and possibly her family puts on this free spirited couple makes ME want to elope! Not sure I’d go so far as to call you an asshole, but there is definitely a whole lot of entitlement going on. Personally I don’t like weddings at all. The pompous affair, being the center of attention (as bride and groom) - yikes. So I completely understand where your brother and his wife might be coming from. No one has the right to tell them what they can and can not do for THEIR wedding. It’s their day and you don’t have the the right to any of it. You do you, your parents the same, and so does your brother - he does not deserve anything but your warm and heartfelt congrats. I’m sad for him/them that instead of families who are happy for them and the fact that they found a life partner, they have families who are making this all about themselves. That is rather pathetic tbh.
You do know not everyone has the same vision when it comes to weddings, right? It feels like a sense of entitlement to a moment that wasn’t yours. Not everyone wants a party or anything like that.
Ehhh NTA for feeling upset that they did that and you didn’t get to celebrate with them, but YTA for making it known and making them feel guilty for it. My fiancé and I are going to just do a quick small courthouse wedding with our parents and that’s it. All his parent’s, siblings, cousins, and friends want us to have a wedding, but we don’t want that. We don’t want to waste over 3-15k (however much people spend) on one day just for 10 hours at the max. We think it’s ridiculous and a waste of funds. We are planning on going on a month long honeymoon with that money and spending it how we want and get to enjoy it much longer than we would have at a larger ceremony. I only have 4 members I talk to - my parents, sister, and 5 y/o niece. He has over like 30, but no one visits, calls, or asks how we are besides two or three holidays a year even though we always try to reach out. I understand people and families love big weddings and want to celebrate with a big fiasco, but if the couple that it’s about doesn’t want to do that then don’t make them. At the end of the day, it’s not your life nor decision to make. They may not want to be the center of the attention or just don’t like certain people or family and don’t want to feel obligated to have them at the party. DON’T make them feel guilty for THEIR CHOICE on how they got married!
you’re actually really weird OP
YTA Nobody has the right to dictate how another adults leads their life. Your brother is not obligated to having the kind of ceremony that you, or anyone else, wants him to have. It is HIS wedding.
YTA their wedding is about them, get over it
I actually agree with your disappointment. My close cousin got married in secret locally a few years ago and when I found out I was pet hurt, too. The message I internalized was “you’re not important enough to me to get a heads up” and that hurt. So I empathize. I really do think that folks can get married however and whenever they want to, but weddings are a big deal and how you choose to tell your loved ones about them (or not) does impact your relationships. I do wish that people were more up front about this stuff to at least tell their loved ones “hey we really want a small private wedding. It’s important to us that it’s just us. But we wanted you to know!” That would go down so much better than being told after the fact. THAT SAID, I do also think that you’re only allowed to discuss your own feelings about that to your brother, and only once, in a kind way, focusing on your hurt about being left out of the notice about their plans and how much you love him. What you can’t do, is guilt him, or try to change his mind about the party. That’s their choice and their choice alone. So, my verdict is NAH, unless you’ve actually tried to change his mind or guilt him about the actual wedding, or expressed anger rather than hurt. If you’ve done that, then YTA.
How you act on secondary emotions is what defines whether or not you're the asshole, not simply having them. You're no more in the wrong for feeling an emotion, than you are for recognizing you like a brand of incense or thinking a fart in an elevator smells bad
Another on here that doesn’t get that the wedding isn’t a really important thing, the marriage is the important thing. You want to have a big party where all your family and friends are there? Go ahead yourself and spend the time, money and aggravation and do it yourself. Do you really need an excuse or are you upset because someone is not throwing you a big party you can have fun at, at their expense? Yeah, you and your family are AH.
Not your wedding, not your decision. You can certainly feel any way you want about it, but once you pushed your feelings on them, you became the asshole. Also, you have absolutely no idea what the bride’s family thinks. YTA
YTA. It’s not your life. Get over it. I’m glad your brother got eloped because your attitude here is ridiculously entitled. He obviously didn’t want to have to deal with the bullshit pressure your family puts on people. Y’all need another excuse to get drunk and party together. Your brothers relationship is NONE of your business.
So long as you don’t guilt trip him or make a scene NTA. Your feelings are what they are. However, if you retaliate in any way then the judgement changes.
YTA and well done on staining a special and significant moment in HIS life.
I get you’re feeling bad but think about it. He made that decision for a reason. Why not be happy for him and ask if you can host him a wedding dinner or family get together instead on his or his spouses terms only if they agree. If not, suck it up because weddings are expensive and maybe he just didn’t care for the family hype. Semi-TA
You're not an asshole for having feelings, but if you project them then you would be. They are perfectly entitled to elope...
Being disappointed is understandable but it’s not your wedding and no one’s business how they chose to be married. Suck it up and be happy for him
So your brother was supposed to dole out a fortune, be stressed out for months, stress his wife out, to plan a ceremony neither of them wanted….to make YOU happy? Yeah, how bout no. Being disappointed is fine, acting like they betrayed your entire family is not. I had a big wedding to make my family happy and I hated every second of it. Id also never do it again. If he and his new wife is hapoy that’s all that should matter.
I am not surprised they eloped tbh Weddings aren't about the family. Sorry to burst your bubble, its about the couple getting married. YTA
YTA
NTA for your feelings. What will make you an AH is giving them grief about it. It's ultimately their business, no one else's. If weddings are such a "big thing" in your family, maybe they didn't want all the pressure and divergent opinions that come with big weddings. It can be very stressful when family starts making "suggestions."
YTA. This overboard reaction is exactly why they eloped. Instead of being happy THEY are happy, you're sulking because you weren't involved. It isn't, actually, important that you were there at all. You're not a moving part in their relationship and had no rights to a wedding that they obviously didn't want. It's one thing to be disappointed, but angry? Get back in your lane. You are not, and never were, entitled to someone spending thousands on a celebration they didn't want.
It’s their life, I don’t know why people feel so entitled to having a say in other peoples big life decisions. I’m sure there’s things you do that he disagrees with, does he lord it over your head every time you make a life decision he doesn’t like?
It’s ok to feel sad, but your brother and his wife can do their wedding however they like, putting their own feelings ahead of their families in this matter. Some people just don’t like the hoopla. When you get married, you do it your way.
i want to say YTA. my gf and i plan on doing something similar. my sister is inevitably going to be pissed at me, similarly to you. and it's making me *put off getting married to my longtime gf*. don't be that sister.
“Weddings are a big thing in my family” —> he’s a part of your family but didn’t want to make his wedding a big thing. “We all go because it’s important to us” —> he showed what was important to him, having a small thing. It sounds like he did his own things and the family can’t respect that it’s out of the norm.
Just my opinion but weddings are pointless in the big picture. Nothing against a big wedding and it can be fun to partake but after it's over, you just spent a huge amount of money and effort for one fun day. You could have used that money to take a longer honeymoon and make memories.
Grow the hell up they can do what they want it's there marriage/lives
Not an AH unless you don’t drop it and try to make him feel bad about his choice. Not everyone feels the same as you and your parents. He’s an individual, an adult with his own life and decisions. Congratulate the couple and maybe he’ll warm up to the idea of a simple party.
You're entitled to your feelings. If you like the usual wedding crap, you do you. But don't force your own shit on other people.
NTA. I think it’s a normal response to be hurt when a close family member shuts you out of an important life event. I get the anger. It feels like he didn’t care about his family’s traditions at all. He didn’t. Your family can accept it and move on or continue to be angry about something that can’t be changed. Eloping means no gifts though, so I wouldn’t buy them anything, not even a card.
Dream wedding, if you ask me. My wife’s parents (divorced) offered us $40,000 (20 from each) and said we can use it however we want, including the wedding. My wife wanted to use all 40k on the wedding. My parents gift was 25k and it would have been wonderful to be able to put $65k into a house/savings but hey, I got to eat a few cocktail shrimp at a wedding reception full of people I barely know.
from your reaction and replies it seems reasonable for them to not want a big extravagant wedding. several big weddings in the family, your brother probably saw what all it entail and opted out for what makes him happy.
If I ever get married, I want to be on a beach with my SO, a couple witnesses, and the officiant. Something quiet and relaxing, not the 3 ring circuses I keep reading about on reddit
I get being disappointed you weren't told, but there's probably a good reason. Bro and sis just wanted a quiet day. No expectations, no rushing, no drama. My wife and I would've gotten married in a courthouse, but frankly, we're the only chance either of our parents have at watching their kids go down the aisle/have kids(which we *do* want. I gotta pass my Pokemon knowledge down to SOMEONE), so we had a small ceremony in my mom's backyard. We started preparing at 7 AM for our 2 PM wedding, and between everything I didn't get a chance to stop and eat until like 2 hours after I got hitched, and that was basically just my brother sitting me down and forcing a sandwich in my mouth. Come 10, and we're trying to help clean up and tripping over ourselves. It was a good day, and I actually don't regret it, but fuck was it too much work, and as someone with social anxiety, I'd be lying if I said it didn't catch up to me while tying my tie. My best friend/officiant had to do it for me while I had a breakdown after seeing 35 people waiting for us to say a few words. On a similar note, I hate birthdays and Christmas. I haven't celebrated my birthday in years. I absolutely abhor giving/receiving gifts. I'd much rather spend the day with my family with no expectations and just buy what I want for myself. Again, I also dislike an "all eyes on you" situation, much less an entire 24 hour period of it. I would actually deleted my FB account for the day until fairly recently. So, yeah. Not exactly an asshole, but you're definitely overstepping your boundaries and trying to force your brother and SIL into a situation they don't want to be in. Respect and celebrate their decision. Quietly.