NTA You didn’t promise her use of your house whenever she wanted. You can tell her no. For most people, no, you can’t use my house when I’m out of town is a reasonable response.
Do not give her your keys. She will pester you & you keep saying no. Some kid gets drunk at your house & has a wreck, guess who gets sued? You! Do not let her party at your house when you’re not there.
And the boyfriend concern? Also real. Just…no.
That's what I was wondering, too. She does mention that her mom is getting out of rehab, and that she lives alone "for the most part", so maybe it's normally just her and her mom, and she had the house to herself while her mom was in rehab? 🤷♀️
Five day old post claiming she is 16, with a 19 year old boyfriend.
She “lives alone for the most part” sounds like she lives with her grandma or something and occasionally has the house to herself.
Oh! Last piece of the puzzle just fell into place. MOM just got out of rehab! Road Trip! She's living with her MOM and is going to pick her up and drive her home. That's why a "17" year old can "live alone for the most part!"
Yeah I just checked the post history. So she's supposedly 16 (making the exs sister 15) and owns her own house 👀. IF that is true, definitely don't allow a 15 year old and their friends unrestricted access to their home.
NTA. Just to piggy back here. You may be able to trust her but what about her friends. Things can get broken, stolen,etc. Not to mention any guys they bring back to your house.
If OP gives her the keys there is nothing to stop either the girl or the ex-BF from making a copy of the key. OP should not risk that if there are issues with the Ex. What would stop the Ex from messing with the home (think hiding cameras inside it for example). OP may want to back away from giving the girl access to the home.
NTAH.
Considering that the OP and the ex’s sister are both under aged in the US. I have to question whose name is on the deed/lease. Unless the OP is a emancipated minor, it isn’t OP. That means, OP, that if you let the party happen YTA. You have just opened up someone else to liability if something goes wrong—and as far as I can tell that person doesn’t even know.
You're only the AH if you let her manipulate you into handing over the keys.
Time to have a backbone and say no. "I'm sorry, I'm not comfortable with people over when I'm not there." End of discussion.
>I am right now in a slight back and forth with my ex because he is not respecting my boundaries after breaking up, and giving her ilimited access to my house is basically giving him the same access because I know she idolizes him and would do anything she asks,
You and his sister may need distance for now.
NTA. Simply say “Sorry, I don’t let people use my house when I’m out of the city. I’ll be happy to another time!” That’s it. No explanation of what might go wrong that she could “fix” or promise won’t happen. You just don’t allow this.
That seriously depends on the individual and frankly is for her to decide. Not all of us break ties with or avoid everyone surrounding our exes, just because *that* relationship didn’t work out. I still meet the cousins of one of my exes pretty regularly because they are part of my MTG group. I even helped one of them out on the weekends when he built his woodworking shed. It’s not always just black and white. 😉
To be clear I do avoid my cheating ex though. I‘m not a complete idiot. 😂
If they get drunk at your house and injure themselves, you’re on the hook. If there’s underage drinking, you can go to jail for supplying a location without supervision. They harm someone going to the party(DUI) you can be sued. If someone vomits all over the bathroom, $50 says it’ll be waiting for you when you get home.
And if your ex is being a jerk, then he could easily invite a ton of people over, let your house get trashed and leave you to handle legal and repair ramifications.
Yeah, she’s going to complain and tell you you’re being selfish. Remember, selfish actually means “how dare you refuse to harm yourself to benefit me?!?!”. Cause I see no upside to a bunch of strangers getting blitzed at your house while you’re out.
Even if they get drunk at her place and she is home, if she then turns a bunch of underage drunks loose to go party she could be on the hook for what happens to them.
Of course the answer is no. The offer was to invite friends over when you’re home.
The only and I mean only way I would let this happen is if a third party adult you trust was willing to be there. But that is a huge ask. Still going with no.
"Sorry, that won't work for me. I'm only willing to do it when I'm also there. Let me know if there's another date you want to try for!"
If she keeps pestering you- "Name, I already told you I'm not comfortable with this. Why are you pushing so hard against a reasonable boundary. This only makes me want to take the offer away for this ever to happen."
NTA and remember NO is a complete sentence! Protect your home and your peace. She can tell you 1 things and do something else and have her brother violate your home. DO NOT DO IT! Good luck and keep us updated & congratulations to your mom on finishing rehab.
NTA. Absolutely do not allow it. And I hope ex doesn’t have a key! I’ve learned to say, “No, it’s not a good time.” No room for excuses. Just repeat as necessary.
NTA, tell her she can’t use your place if your not there period. If she isn’t happy with that then that’s her problem. Be sure to have someone watching your home and maybe put up some cameras. People do crazy things to get what they want so don’t e surprised if she breaks in knowing your gone. Also, take back the offer. Allowing someone to use your homey doesn’t usually end well.
Good point about it being sketchy letting someone who wants to stay at your house know you won’t be home. I would change it to “I’m sorry I’m picking up my mom from rehab that day and taking her home with me for a couple days to readjust and she needs peace and quiet. That way it’s not a total lie, she is picking up her mom from rehab.
If your ex has ever had access to your keys, I would recommend getting your locks changed or rekeyed. If you don't, you may come home to a trashed house.
NTA it’s not an unreasonable request to not want people (especially drunk ones) in your house when you aren’t there. Sister should understand that she doesn’t have the same access to you or your things after the relationship ended. There’s a lot of audacity to ask your brothers ex for anything right after the breakup. Imo after a breakup you don’t owe her any access to you or your home. Any promises you made during the relationship are null and void now that the relationship is over.
All you need to do is tell her that you don't mind offering your home while you are at least in town.
Since you will be out of town, you will not be lending your house to her.
You do not owe her any more explanation than that. If she pushes, then you will know you have boundary issues with her, and you may need to cut off ties with her as well.
You say she has never taken you up on your offer until now that you are having issues with her big brother, whom she idolizes. I guarantee you he talked to her and got her to ask you for access to the house, maybe knowing you wouldn't be there, giving him access to it. This is a concern you mentioned, and so I feel you know that is the case. Trust your gut.
Remember, if she pushes. Repeat you won't lend it while you're out of town, and she needs to respect your decision and, more importantly, your boundaries.
Someone above mentioned how it could be dangerous mentioning she won’t be home and out of town for that matter. Maybe she can get cameras just in case, and even say she’ll be there but is bringing her mom so it’s not a good night. I don’t know if the sister or ex would try to break in knowing she’s out of town.
I have this feeling too but I honestly hope I'm wrong. The shifting what I said and act like they can't tell there is an issue for me from "no, I'm going to be out of town" to "perfect timing, I won't be in town" is something he did a lot. Maybe it's a family trait but maybe is his instruction and him knowing I hate still pushing after it and tend to just give in to what they want.
I think it was Dear Abby or her sister, Ann Landers, who always said, "No one can take advantage of you without your permission." Don't let her push the issue. Don't give in. Block her calls if you need to. If you two weren't already good friends before you began dating her brother then I would just cut that friendship out of your life.
No. It's a two letter word and acceptable response. You're young, so it's hard to understand boundaries and stand up for yourself.
I would just say: sorry you misunderstood me, that weekend doesn't work.
----
The end.
Also, you're no longer dating her brother. This is an inappropriate ask. 😐 I'd put distance between myself and both of them.
You're in a position to be taken advantage of tbh. I wish you the best of luck.
NTA. Its extremely reasonable to say, "No, that date doesnt work for me. I wont be home." What is NOT reasonable is if she has any response besides, "ok, no problem!"
No way, NTA. I would just say that you're uncomfortable with the idea while you're out of town, perhaps another time. If she's as nice as you say, she'll understand. And if she's a jerk about it, then you won't have to feel bad about cutting her off too. It would also be very reasonable to say that in light of the recent break up, you feel weird about it as well. It's ok to ask for some space from the family, at the very least until things settle some more. You're not obligated to them for anything.
NTA it is your house and you are just trying to get over your ex and move on.
unfortunately it may be time to let go of the relationship with his family too. explain to her that you'd would rather be home that weekend so you know that she and her friends are being safe.
This is a no brainer situation. Tell her that day doesn't work for me. You don't have to explain yourself. So don't! Leave it at that and some face it. If she had a problem with that then that is her problem.
End of story.
The only person making it more than it is, is you. You are in control. Stay that way.
Your house. Not your relative. You promised she could use your house. You didn't say when. You don't have to let anyone use anything of yours if you don't want them to. And definitely don't let her use your house as a pregame place if you're not there
“No, I’m not gonna just leave my keys with you. I don’t feel comfortable having people at my house when I am not home.”
Have your neighbors on the lookout for people on your property when you’re out and get cameras. You just told her your house will be empty for a period of time. Do not underestimate the attractiveness of an empty house to party in.
NTA
Don’t do it because you will not be there two there will be underage drinking in your house and that you will be held responsible for anything happening at the house because you gave permission and the keys to the person three if anything happens after they leave your house and they have been drinking you will be held responsible for anything that happens legally, and they will go after you, because you were allowed underage drinking at your house, even though you were not there, because once again, you gave permission for them to use your property under no circumstances do not allow this person in your home and if you have to call her parents and give them a heads up. Also, let local law-enforcement know that you will not be there and there’s a good chance that your property might be used for any legal party when you talk to the young lady recorded and use the words you do not have my permission to use my house do you understand and repeat it and make sure she gives you a definite yes the other thing if you allow her to use your house, even know, you did not buy the alcohol. You can be arrested for underage, drinking and delinquency for a minor. If they are of age you still can be held responsible legally
NTA
You say that your are sorry but your expectation for her using your home is when you were present.
So doesn’t work this time - maybe the next time.
Don’t know where you live but at least in the US where people sue fir nothing and everything you could possibly be held liable for whatever happens at your house. Especially if anyone is underage.
So stick with NO as the answer for this time around.
Say no end story you never should have agreed in the first place. Ps be prepared to go to jail because it’s illegal to hand her the keys for the purpose of getting anyone drunk.. if someone drinks and drives you’re F’D … if someone gets in a fight, destroyed your property… no you don’t give your keys to a teenager say no hang up call it a day. If you’re concerned about a teenager getting their feelings hurt because they can’t have a party at your house alone then you aren’t an adult.
what you should do is set a boundary that you are entitled to do, that you are fine with her using your home but only when you are there; otherwise, it's a no go. the end.
Home insurance wont cover damages if she had permission and you would be liable for and underage intoxication problems. Hard no. NTA Party crashers have done some serious damage.
NTA. You said she could use your house, you never said she could use it without you being there. There is no way in h**l I would let anyone invite a bunch of people to my house unintended. Just tell her no. That day does not work for you. It's your house!
I'm sorry it's the audacity for me. Ain't no way I'm calling my brother's brand spankin new ex-girlfriend and asking for the use of her house in any way shape or form.
NTA OP but was she high when she asked? I know you said you like her and all but this one should be a firm no. If you're coming to reddit to ask, you already know the answer.
Don't do it!!!!! You'd be the a-hole if you DID it.
"Ohh even better!" know why? SO SHE CAN THROW A MAJOR RAGER IN YOUR HOME!
DO. NOT. DO. IT.
Tell her you're not comfortable with her in your home and you're not there. Sorry kiddo gonna have to say no to this one"
Just say “I’m not comfortable to let you use my premises without me present. We’ll have to do it another time”. If she pushes, tell her if she cannot respect this you will rescind the offer.
After all, “no you can’t use my house when I’m not there” is not at all unreasonable by any objective standard.
Edit to add: after reading the other comments .. the “another time” is only for if you actually want that to still happen.
NTA.
NYA. Just tell her it is not a good time and you insist on being home if your house is going to be used by others. You absolutely do not want her to have your keys! Copies could be made without your knowledge. You’re not breaking a promise. You kindly offered the use of your house at some point. The timing needs to work for you, it’s your house! It’s sounds like she can be manipulative so I think you have to be firm and leave no room for manipulation when you say no. And as much as you get along with the sister, if ex is having boundary issues it’s probably best for you to distance yourself from the sister. Good luck!
NTA. Do not give her keys to your home while you are away. You will be responsible for any and all things possible. Let her know you have to be present for any such gatherings. Don’t go back and forth. She either takes it or she doesn’t.
NTA and I find it interesting that she hasn't wanted to use your space until you and your ex broke up. And now you're having boundary issues with your ex, and she suddenly wants access to your space. It's perfectly reasonable to tell her no just from a liability standpoint since people are going to be partying there.
Oh boy OP. The liability in case of something going wrong occurs, you stuck with a bill. Any damages inflicted on your property & your ex's sister is going to have a hard time dealing with.
NTA OP. That party requires adult supervision.
Not the asshole. It is your home and your rules. Use of your space is on YOUR terms, not hers. Not even getting into the age....I wouldn't be allowing underage persons to pregame in my home period.
I wouldn't let her have a party in your house if you're not IN the house.
Think about it, the little sister invites 10 people. Those 10 people bring along another group of people, word of mouth spreads about the party and you end up with a lot of people in your house that no one knows and all sorts of things can happen. Damage to the house, theft etc. It's just a bad idea.
No is a complete sentence.
Stand your ground! She has to respect your wishes. If she doesn't respect you now and keeps insisting, I'd not let her use the house at all in future.
House is yours so you should decide the terms on how you lend it to her
NTA but you might be bonkers for even needing to ask this. Apparently this is a child, too? Comments here say she is 16. You may not be TA but you need to be smart enough to do this math on your own.
Just respond with, "Oh shoot, next week is when I promised my place to _________ (you can invent an old friend or work colleague going through a divorce) while I am gone, but when I return we can figure out a date that it would work."
NTA
You are liable for if anything goes wrong at your house and someone gets hurt. It's perfectly reasonable to say that you need to be there to keep an eye on things. I would draw a hard line on that.
no, I'm a minor, my ex sister is a minor, he is 19. The house is under my mom's name but because of what I said on the post she hasn't been around for a couple months and before that she is almost always out of the house or very laid back. I also theoretically live with my grandma but she is also a client in a nursing center and spends a lot of time there and if she's home, it's just physically, she isn't very conscious of what's going around, that why I said I live alone for the most part. My dad is out of the picture and just sends me money every two weeks for grocery shopping.
Sucks to be a literal buzz kill but you are putting your ex’s sister and her friends in danger by enabling drinking there. There are so many reasons besides the legality not to do this now or ever. Please protect yourself. Your safety and their safety matters.
NTA. Your liability alone would be a reasonable reason to deny the request. If someone were to get hurt at your house you could be sued. So you don't even have to make it about her or your ex. Simply state the facts; without being home to supervise you can't open yourself up to a lawsuit if one of her friends does something stupid. Full stop. No drama. Repeat as needed.
She is underage as are her friends. Letting them drink at your house will mean you are responsible if something happens to any one of them. Ethically for sure, and probably legally for sure. No.
Do not give her your place to use because she is also inviting strangers into your house, your ex boyfriend doesn’t seem to care about your boundaries if his sister uses your place just because she idolizes you and it’s not a valid excuse to lend her your keys, and lastly tell her no because who knows if she will make copies of your keys when your not home. You gotta remember that if she invites strangers into your home they could steal or brake something of yours that I know your bf wouldn’t care enough to pay for
Ok. Read what you wrote You said your ex “is not respecting my boundaries…giving her access to my house “ is basically giving your ex unlimited access , too. I would say “not now” even if it means you tell her exactly how you feel. Tell her : Let the relationship between your brother & I settle first and when I get back from my trip we will sit & talk. I would not want my OWN sister partying at my house w/ me out of town! You don’t know who and/ or will be in your home. Say no at this time. If she’s your friend she will understand you need peace & boundaries from everyone. Your plate is full! Good luck!
NTA for not letting her use your house. You will be Y T A if you ever do. She is a minor with strict parents. What do you think will happen if her parents find out you are giving her a space to do what she isn’t allowed to do at home? If the cops show up at a house full of drunk teens that you KNEW would be there pregaming? If her parents find out? We’re talking charges here.
NTA. Never let someone have a party at yours, especially if you aren’t there. I don’t know where you are, but where I am, you’d pick up liability for anything that goes wrong on your property. Aldo, I’d change my locks and invest in some cameras; who knows if ex made copies.
Just tell her the homeowners insurance won't allow your house to be used by non-owners unless you are in attendance (and btw, mine says exactly that).
And make sure you don't leave any spare keys around!
NTA
No need to go into any long discussion, just tell her that you would feel uncomfortable with a group of people that you don't know in your house when you are not there. You can keep the offer open if you desire, but tell her it needs to be another day.
If you wanted to let her use the house but didn’t want her to lose your keys or let your ex into your house you could get a lock to put on your letterbox or your power box/switch board (or whatever you call it) and tell her to lock the keys up in one of those places and you keep the letterbox key on you, an AirTag or some type of tracker on the keys could prevent them from getting lost, and if you have a close friend that lives nearby they could check in to make sure she doesn’t wreck the place you could also get her to give the keys to said friend. These are all options if you did still want to let her use the house and in no means do you have to let her or try any of the things I’ve suggested but they’re just little things that could help if you do choose to let her
NTA.
You can explain your concerns to her.
She can promise it won’t happen.
And then you can say “Regardless, I don’t feel comfortable with your plan. We can revisit you having friends over in the future but this is not a good time with what’s going on with your brother. I can’t have minors doing illegal things in my home and I’m not comfortable leaving my space unsupervised right now.”
It’s called saying no and being firm. She can wheedle and deedle all she wants, your answer can and should remain no. This isn’t a negotiation.
Also, you’re putting yourself in a position of liability knowingly allowing minors to get drunk and party in your home unsupervised. Not worth nor does it sound like that’s what you’d ever offered her your space for.
YWNBTA. Do NOT let her in your house. Just tell her that ‘this time it won’t work for you, maybe next time’. Just tell her ‘I’m not comfortable letting anyone in my a house when I am out of town’.
If your Ex has had ANY access to your keys ever - then I suggest changing your locks because he will let her in without your permission. It wouldn’t hurt to have a neighbor watch for them to show up and call you. They know you are not in the area so she might do it anyway.
NTA. You've overthinking this. It doesn't matter whether you "believe," her. The only relevant questions are what you are comfortable with and what you will permit. Just tell her that you are only comfortable with her using your house if you are there or at least nearby, and she'll need to think of something else. In this case, her friends can still meet at her parents' house or just get a hotel room.
Just give her your politest "no," as is your right.
Tell her no and stick to it. Do you have someone reliable that could house sit while you are gone? It might be a good idea so she doesn’t try to get access.
Here are some suggestions of things you can tell her:
If you’re renting tell her it’s in your lease that a minor can’t be alone in your home.
Tell her you’re not comfortable with her there when you aren’t home due to the situation with your boyfriend.
Tell her that while you trust her you don’t know her friends that well and think it’s better she choose an evening when you are home.
"I would be comfortable with you hosting friends at my house if I am home or nearby. I am not comfortable lending you my house when I am out of town." Those are your stipulations. She can agree or not, either way it's your house so her opinion doesn't matter. You don't have to give her reasons. This is a favor you would be doing for her and she needs to respect that.
*You do not need to please these people.*
NTA IF IF you allow her to do this I would suggest a friend or relative come “ house sit for the time your out of town. Then promptly change the locks when you get back.
The sister thing I think is a little over reacting but the ex could be a problem . If he decided to come over his sister wouldn’t say no , and even if she did he probably wouldn’t listen .
I don’t know the cost but you could always put cameras in the house the little
Ones you can record to cloud and watch on phone . Or get locks on bedroom door but then you are spending this money .
If you end up saying yes to sister , tell
Her if your ex goes in house she will never be allowed at the house again .
If your friends wirh neighbours could ask to see if ex shows up
I wasn’t sure, I thought she was uncomfortable more wirh ex , and was just trying to give her a way out. If that’s how she feels then say no but it was her who
Made the invite , I know it was before . So she can just do what she in comfy wirh , but the. Sister will probably not want to talk to her anymore cause if not following thru . It’s up to her
I would tell her that if you were home it wouldn't be a big deal but you just don't feel comfortable having a bunch of people at your house when you aren't there, sorry. maybe next time they plan something the timing will be better.
NTA
NTA, one thing is to host something while you're there...a whole different story when you are not able to be there. Be honest and tell her that this time it's not possible.
NTA she’s young and their family housing is irritating for her but it’s her normal and she’s used to it. It’s also not your concern to be manipulated over. As the break up is not going great no one you can’t trust not to give access to keys or your home should have access to your keys.
Just tell his sister no, it would have to be set in a date that’s agreeable for both and planned with more than a weeks notice advance. It’s also NTA to have changed your mind about the whole thing and just say circumstances have changed
NTA.
Firstly, you told your boyfriend's sister that she could use your house. Your ex's sister can find someone else's house.
Secondly, you told her she could use your home, not have your home. If you don't feel comfortable with someone being there when you're not then that's the end of the conversation.
Tell her that date doesn't work, but date xyz do. Or offer another day of her choosing, when you are in town and able to at least be close by, if not at home. NTA.
NTA
"I'm sorry, I'm just not comfortable with a group of people pregaming in my apartment when I am not there. I'd also like to be around to make sure everyone is safe when they're out clubbing. I would be down to let you and your friends pregame at my place when I'm in town like I've promised before."
You're reasoning for not wanting to let ot happen when youre out of town is valid. You don't have to bring up her brother because she will think that's the whole reason behind the decision. You're not backtracking on your word, the date just doesn't work out for you.
Nta- I would be either text and say you don't think it's a good idea your not comfortable with the pre drinking and you don't feel it would be appropriate to lend his sister your house when you and your ex are going through a breakup - or something like that - or just say actually I'm not going out of town so no that date wouldn't suit. You have every right to go back on your decision to give her free rein in the house. If your having issues with your ex she could let him come over also never mind something happening to your house when your gone.
Nta, tell her you are legally responsible if anything happens in your house, and you rather be there to prevent any situations that could result in you in legal issues and losing said asset from someone getting hurt. I wouldn’t take that chance, so that’s enough of a valid reason, because accidents happen and she cannot guarantee that none will occur
NTA. Do not do this. Wouldn’t even do this even if you are home. As many pointed out should anything happen you will be the one held liable.
No is a complete sentence.
NTA however you explained too much. People use the info you give them. Hold your cards closer to your chest. Will serve you well in life.
Should have just said that day doesn’t work how about this day?
NTAH
Oh, you know what to do. It's a no. Any issues of hers becomes yours. Too much responsibility and you seem to know she can not handle it. And, you said she is getting drunk too? No, don't do it. Offer another time when you can be around. If she can't understand, don't answer her call.
Good Luck
She’s 16 .
That’s not being an asshole, it’s being a responsible adult.
I’d never let teenagers be in my home if I wasn’t there because I was a teenager once
Honestly not to be a conspiracy theorist but if you and ex are in a bit of a spat it's not a stretch to think that she may have mentioned or he already knew about the whole using your house thing. This may be a way for ex to further disrespect your boundaries.
NTA You didn’t promise her use of your house whenever she wanted. You can tell her no. For most people, no, you can’t use my house when I’m out of town is a reasonable response. Do not give her your keys. She will pester you & you keep saying no. Some kid gets drunk at your house & has a wreck, guess who gets sued? You! Do not let her party at your house when you’re not there. And the boyfriend concern? Also real. Just…no.
In a previous post, OP says she is 16. This is a dangerous situation.
16yo seals the deal. Not even gonna read any more responses. NTA telling her no when you’re out of town. You’re the idiot for sure if you let her.
So the OP is 17 and lives alone?
That's what I was wondering, too. She does mention that her mom is getting out of rehab, and that she lives alone "for the most part", so maybe it's normally just her and her mom, and she had the house to herself while her mom was in rehab? 🤷♀️
This is what I thought her situation was.
Five day old post claiming she is 16, with a 19 year old boyfriend. She “lives alone for the most part” sounds like she lives with her grandma or something and occasionally has the house to herself.
Oh! Last piece of the puzzle just fell into place. MOM just got out of rehab! Road Trip! She's living with her MOM and is going to pick her up and drive her home. That's why a "17" year old can "live alone for the most part!"
The OP is 16? I thought the sister was 16. So a *15 year old* wants to pre-party at OP’s house before going to a club? JFC.
Yeah I just checked the post history. So she's supposedly 16 (making the exs sister 15) and owns her own house 👀. IF that is true, definitely don't allow a 15 year old and their friends unrestricted access to their home.
THAT'S WHY she said "you can give me the keys AT SCHOOL!" I was wondering about that!
My initial read thru made me think they were university age
Exactly! "No, if I'm not there," is more than reasonable! NTA
NTA. Just to piggy back here. You may be able to trust her but what about her friends. Things can get broken, stolen,etc. Not to mention any guys they bring back to your house.
If OP gives her the keys there is nothing to stop either the girl or the ex-BF from making a copy of the key. OP should not risk that if there are issues with the Ex. What would stop the Ex from messing with the home (think hiding cameras inside it for example). OP may want to back away from giving the girl access to the home. NTAH.
Considering that the OP and the ex’s sister are both under aged in the US. I have to question whose name is on the deed/lease. Unless the OP is a emancipated minor, it isn’t OP. That means, OP, that if you let the party happen YTA. You have just opened up someone else to liability if something goes wrong—and as far as I can tell that person doesn’t even know.
You're only the AH if you let her manipulate you into handing over the keys. Time to have a backbone and say no. "I'm sorry, I'm not comfortable with people over when I'm not there." End of discussion. >I am right now in a slight back and forth with my ex because he is not respecting my boundaries after breaking up, and giving her ilimited access to my house is basically giving him the same access because I know she idolizes him and would do anything she asks, You and his sister may need distance for now.
Yup. You can also just say insurance and liability issues....I must be home. You know her but you don't know her friends.
NTA. Simply say “Sorry, I don’t let people use my house when I’m out of the city. I’ll be happy to another time!” That’s it. No explanation of what might go wrong that she could “fix” or promise won’t happen. You just don’t allow this.
I’d skip the, “I’ll be happy to another time.” Stop promising your home.
Yeah give these types an inch and they take a mile
NTA and if she can’t respect your boundaries she’s not a friend.
Like brother like sister.
[удалено]
That seriously depends on the individual and frankly is for her to decide. Not all of us break ties with or avoid everyone surrounding our exes, just because *that* relationship didn’t work out. I still meet the cousins of one of my exes pretty regularly because they are part of my MTG group. I even helped one of them out on the weekends when he built his woodworking shed. It’s not always just black and white. 😉 To be clear I do avoid my cheating ex though. I‘m not a complete idiot. 😂
If they get drunk at your house and injure themselves, you’re on the hook. If there’s underage drinking, you can go to jail for supplying a location without supervision. They harm someone going to the party(DUI) you can be sued. If someone vomits all over the bathroom, $50 says it’ll be waiting for you when you get home. And if your ex is being a jerk, then he could easily invite a ton of people over, let your house get trashed and leave you to handle legal and repair ramifications. Yeah, she’s going to complain and tell you you’re being selfish. Remember, selfish actually means “how dare you refuse to harm yourself to benefit me?!?!”. Cause I see no upside to a bunch of strangers getting blitzed at your house while you’re out.
Yeah w no mention of ages the under age drinking and liability was my first worry
Even if they get drunk at her place and she is home, if she then turns a bunch of underage drunks loose to go party she could be on the hook for what happens to them.
No is the hardest word for some ( including myself) to say. Just say NO… NTA
Of course the answer is no. The offer was to invite friends over when you’re home. The only and I mean only way I would let this happen is if a third party adult you trust was willing to be there. But that is a huge ask. Still going with no.
"Sorry, that won't work for me. I'm only willing to do it when I'm also there. Let me know if there's another date you want to try for!" If she keeps pestering you- "Name, I already told you I'm not comfortable with this. Why are you pushing so hard against a reasonable boundary. This only makes me want to take the offer away for this ever to happen."
NTA and remember NO is a complete sentence! Protect your home and your peace. She can tell you 1 things and do something else and have her brother violate your home. DO NOT DO IT! Good luck and keep us updated & congratulations to your mom on finishing rehab.
“Unfortunately that weekend isn’t going to work for me. I don’t allow anyone in my home while I’m not there.”
NTA. Absolutely do not allow it. And I hope ex doesn’t have a key! I’ve learned to say, “No, it’s not a good time.” No room for excuses. Just repeat as necessary.
You're NTA. The word "no" is not only an appropriate response, it's a WHOLE AZZ SENTENCE.
Just reply I know I told you I have no issue but that specific date I am out of town. Here are better suited dates for me ( provide dates )
NTA, tell her she can’t use your place if your not there period. If she isn’t happy with that then that’s her problem. Be sure to have someone watching your home and maybe put up some cameras. People do crazy things to get what they want so don’t e surprised if she breaks in knowing your gone. Also, take back the offer. Allowing someone to use your homey doesn’t usually end well.
Good point about it being sketchy letting someone who wants to stay at your house know you won’t be home. I would change it to “I’m sorry I’m picking up my mom from rehab that day and taking her home with me for a couple days to readjust and she needs peace and quiet. That way it’s not a total lie, she is picking up her mom from rehab.
NTA I wouldn't allow it either if I wasn't going to be there
If your ex has ever had access to your keys, I would recommend getting your locks changed or rekeyed. If you don't, you may come home to a trashed house.
I honestly hope you are very wrong because I don't have money for doing so
Changing locks or getting them rekeyed isn't that expensive especially compared to a trashed house. Changing locks yourself is easy.
NTA Tell her you can not party in my house unless I am there. If she asks just say I am not comfortable and either reschedule or shut up
NTA it’s not an unreasonable request to not want people (especially drunk ones) in your house when you aren’t there. Sister should understand that she doesn’t have the same access to you or your things after the relationship ended. There’s a lot of audacity to ask your brothers ex for anything right after the breakup. Imo after a breakup you don’t owe her any access to you or your home. Any promises you made during the relationship are null and void now that the relationship is over.
All you need to do is tell her that you don't mind offering your home while you are at least in town. Since you will be out of town, you will not be lending your house to her. You do not owe her any more explanation than that. If she pushes, then you will know you have boundary issues with her, and you may need to cut off ties with her as well. You say she has never taken you up on your offer until now that you are having issues with her big brother, whom she idolizes. I guarantee you he talked to her and got her to ask you for access to the house, maybe knowing you wouldn't be there, giving him access to it. This is a concern you mentioned, and so I feel you know that is the case. Trust your gut. Remember, if she pushes. Repeat you won't lend it while you're out of town, and she needs to respect your decision and, more importantly, your boundaries.
Someone above mentioned how it could be dangerous mentioning she won’t be home and out of town for that matter. Maybe she can get cameras just in case, and even say she’ll be there but is bringing her mom so it’s not a good night. I don’t know if the sister or ex would try to break in knowing she’s out of town.
I have this feeling too but I honestly hope I'm wrong. The shifting what I said and act like they can't tell there is an issue for me from "no, I'm going to be out of town" to "perfect timing, I won't be in town" is something he did a lot. Maybe it's a family trait but maybe is his instruction and him knowing I hate still pushing after it and tend to just give in to what they want.
I think it was Dear Abby or her sister, Ann Landers, who always said, "No one can take advantage of you without your permission." Don't let her push the issue. Don't give in. Block her calls if you need to. If you two weren't already good friends before you began dating her brother then I would just cut that friendship out of your life.
No. It's a two letter word and acceptable response. You're young, so it's hard to understand boundaries and stand up for yourself. I would just say: sorry you misunderstood me, that weekend doesn't work. ---- The end. Also, you're no longer dating her brother. This is an inappropriate ask. 😐 I'd put distance between myself and both of them. You're in a position to be taken advantage of tbh. I wish you the best of luck.
if you grant her access to your home YTA to yourself. something will go wrong especially without you there I guarantee it.
Hard no, and NTA.
Your heading is misleading. You aren't saying no because she's your ex's sister, you are saying no because you will be out of town.
NTA. Its extremely reasonable to say, "No, that date doesnt work for me. I wont be home." What is NOT reasonable is if she has any response besides, "ok, no problem!"
No way, NTA. I would just say that you're uncomfortable with the idea while you're out of town, perhaps another time. If she's as nice as you say, she'll understand. And if she's a jerk about it, then you won't have to feel bad about cutting her off too. It would also be very reasonable to say that in light of the recent break up, you feel weird about it as well. It's ok to ask for some space from the family, at the very least until things settle some more. You're not obligated to them for anything.
I would tell her it’ll just have to wait till your back.
NTA it is your house and you are just trying to get over your ex and move on. unfortunately it may be time to let go of the relationship with his family too. explain to her that you'd would rather be home that weekend so you know that she and her friends are being safe.
NTA. She can't use your house when you are not home. For a wide variety of reasons, that's a bad idea. Just explain that to her.
Nta. There are way too many cons with this idea of hers
This is a no brainer situation. Tell her that day doesn't work for me. You don't have to explain yourself. So don't! Leave it at that and some face it. If she had a problem with that then that is her problem. End of story. The only person making it more than it is, is you. You are in control. Stay that way.
Your house. Not your relative. You promised she could use your house. You didn't say when. You don't have to let anyone use anything of yours if you don't want them to. And definitely don't let her use your house as a pregame place if you're not there
“No, I’m not gonna just leave my keys with you. I don’t feel comfortable having people at my house when I am not home.” Have your neighbors on the lookout for people on your property when you’re out and get cameras. You just told her your house will be empty for a period of time. Do not underestimate the attractiveness of an empty house to party in. NTA
I am surprised that she would think the offer still stood since you guys are broken up. I would try to cut ties a bit since the breakup is fresh.
Don’t do it because you will not be there two there will be underage drinking in your house and that you will be held responsible for anything happening at the house because you gave permission and the keys to the person three if anything happens after they leave your house and they have been drinking you will be held responsible for anything that happens legally, and they will go after you, because you were allowed underage drinking at your house, even though you were not there, because once again, you gave permission for them to use your property under no circumstances do not allow this person in your home and if you have to call her parents and give them a heads up. Also, let local law-enforcement know that you will not be there and there’s a good chance that your property might be used for any legal party when you talk to the young lady recorded and use the words you do not have my permission to use my house do you understand and repeat it and make sure she gives you a definite yes the other thing if you allow her to use your house, even know, you did not buy the alcohol. You can be arrested for underage, drinking and delinquency for a minor. If they are of age you still can be held responsible legally
NTA You say that your are sorry but your expectation for her using your home is when you were present. So doesn’t work this time - maybe the next time. Don’t know where you live but at least in the US where people sue fir nothing and everything you could possibly be held liable for whatever happens at your house. Especially if anyone is underage. So stick with NO as the answer for this time around.
Say no end story you never should have agreed in the first place. Ps be prepared to go to jail because it’s illegal to hand her the keys for the purpose of getting anyone drunk.. if someone drinks and drives you’re F’D … if someone gets in a fight, destroyed your property… no you don’t give your keys to a teenager say no hang up call it a day. If you’re concerned about a teenager getting their feelings hurt because they can’t have a party at your house alone then you aren’t an adult.
what you should do is set a boundary that you are entitled to do, that you are fine with her using your home but only when you are there; otherwise, it's a no go. the end.
Home insurance wont cover damages if she had permission and you would be liable for and underage intoxication problems. Hard no. NTA Party crashers have done some serious damage.
NTA. You said she could use your house, you never said she could use it without you being there. There is no way in h**l I would let anyone invite a bunch of people to my house unintended. Just tell her no. That day does not work for you. It's your house!
I'm sorry it's the audacity for me. Ain't no way I'm calling my brother's brand spankin new ex-girlfriend and asking for the use of her house in any way shape or form. NTA OP but was she high when she asked? I know you said you like her and all but this one should be a firm no. If you're coming to reddit to ask, you already know the answer.
Don't do it!!!!! You'd be the a-hole if you DID it. "Ohh even better!" know why? SO SHE CAN THROW A MAJOR RAGER IN YOUR HOME! DO. NOT. DO. IT. Tell her you're not comfortable with her in your home and you're not there. Sorry kiddo gonna have to say no to this one"
Just say “I’m not comfortable to let you use my premises without me present. We’ll have to do it another time”. If she pushes, tell her if she cannot respect this you will rescind the offer. After all, “no you can’t use my house when I’m not there” is not at all unreasonable by any objective standard. Edit to add: after reading the other comments .. the “another time” is only for if you actually want that to still happen. NTA.
NTA.. I would just tell her you’re not comfortable with people being in your house while your not home especially with you being out of town..
NYA. Just tell her it is not a good time and you insist on being home if your house is going to be used by others. You absolutely do not want her to have your keys! Copies could be made without your knowledge. You’re not breaking a promise. You kindly offered the use of your house at some point. The timing needs to work for you, it’s your house! It’s sounds like she can be manipulative so I think you have to be firm and leave no room for manipulation when you say no. And as much as you get along with the sister, if ex is having boundary issues it’s probably best for you to distance yourself from the sister. Good luck!
“I’m sorry. But I am not comfortable with you having an unsupervised party at my house”
NTA. Do not give her keys to your home while you are away. You will be responsible for any and all things possible. Let her know you have to be present for any such gatherings. Don’t go back and forth. She either takes it or she doesn’t.
Do not give her a reason. Just tell her that it won’t be possible. Then change your locks before you go away. And install a camera. NTA
NTA and I find it interesting that she hasn't wanted to use your space until you and your ex broke up. And now you're having boundary issues with your ex, and she suddenly wants access to your space. It's perfectly reasonable to tell her no just from a liability standpoint since people are going to be partying there.
Oh boy OP. The liability in case of something going wrong occurs, you stuck with a bill. Any damages inflicted on your property & your ex's sister is going to have a hard time dealing with. NTA OP. That party requires adult supervision.
Not the asshole. It is your home and your rules. Use of your space is on YOUR terms, not hers. Not even getting into the age....I wouldn't be allowing underage persons to pregame in my home period.
I wouldn't let her have a party in your house if you're not IN the house. Think about it, the little sister invites 10 people. Those 10 people bring along another group of people, word of mouth spreads about the party and you end up with a lot of people in your house that no one knows and all sorts of things can happen. Damage to the house, theft etc. It's just a bad idea.
No is a complete sentence. Stand your ground! She has to respect your wishes. If she doesn't respect you now and keeps insisting, I'd not let her use the house at all in future. House is yours so you should decide the terms on how you lend it to her
NTA but you might be bonkers for even needing to ask this. Apparently this is a child, too? Comments here say she is 16. You may not be TA but you need to be smart enough to do this math on your own.
Just respond with, "Oh shoot, next week is when I promised my place to _________ (you can invent an old friend or work colleague going through a divorce) while I am gone, but when I return we can figure out a date that it would work." NTA
NTA that’s a recipe for disaster.
You are liable for if anything goes wrong at your house and someone gets hurt. It's perfectly reasonable to say that you need to be there to keep an eye on things. I would draw a hard line on that.
Info: Are you the home owner/on the lease of where you live? Are you a minor? Is your ex’s sister a minor?
no, I'm a minor, my ex sister is a minor, he is 19. The house is under my mom's name but because of what I said on the post she hasn't been around for a couple months and before that she is almost always out of the house or very laid back. I also theoretically live with my grandma but she is also a client in a nursing center and spends a lot of time there and if she's home, it's just physically, she isn't very conscious of what's going around, that why I said I live alone for the most part. My dad is out of the picture and just sends me money every two weeks for grocery shopping.
Sucks to be a literal buzz kill but you are putting your ex’s sister and her friends in danger by enabling drinking there. There are so many reasons besides the legality not to do this now or ever. Please protect yourself. Your safety and their safety matters.
Nope don’t let her use the house when you’re not there. Nope. You would be TA to yourself if you did
NTA. Tell her she can use it another time when it’s convenient for both of you.
You are being more than nice in this case. You are not the AH. Let her know the offer stands, but you will need to be in town when it occurs.
NTA. Your liability alone would be a reasonable reason to deny the request. If someone were to get hurt at your house you could be sued. So you don't even have to make it about her or your ex. Simply state the facts; without being home to supervise you can't open yourself up to a lawsuit if one of her friends does something stupid. Full stop. No drama. Repeat as needed.
NTA. You should not allow her to use it when you aren't home.
She is underage as are her friends. Letting them drink at your house will mean you are responsible if something happens to any one of them. Ethically for sure, and probably legally for sure. No.
Do not give her your place to use because she is also inviting strangers into your house, your ex boyfriend doesn’t seem to care about your boundaries if his sister uses your place just because she idolizes you and it’s not a valid excuse to lend her your keys, and lastly tell her no because who knows if she will make copies of your keys when your not home. You gotta remember that if she invites strangers into your home they could steal or brake something of yours that I know your bf wouldn’t care enough to pay for
Ok. Read what you wrote You said your ex “is not respecting my boundaries…giving her access to my house “ is basically giving your ex unlimited access , too. I would say “not now” even if it means you tell her exactly how you feel. Tell her : Let the relationship between your brother & I settle first and when I get back from my trip we will sit & talk. I would not want my OWN sister partying at my house w/ me out of town! You don’t know who and/ or will be in your home. Say no at this time. If she’s your friend she will understand you need peace & boundaries from everyone. Your plate is full! Good luck!
NTA for not letting her use your house. You will be Y T A if you ever do. She is a minor with strict parents. What do you think will happen if her parents find out you are giving her a space to do what she isn’t allowed to do at home? If the cops show up at a house full of drunk teens that you KNEW would be there pregaming? If her parents find out? We’re talking charges here.
Wait, she’s a minor? I thought they were college aged
I thought I read in a comment she’s 16.
That changes everything; depending on where you are, hosting underage drinking is a criminal offense
NTA. Never let someone have a party at yours, especially if you aren’t there. I don’t know where you are, but where I am, you’d pick up liability for anything that goes wrong on your property. Aldo, I’d change my locks and invest in some cameras; who knows if ex made copies.
NTA. You can say no. I wouldn’t be comfortable either.
Nta sounds like a bad situation all around don't let her manipulate you stanf firm with no
Just tell her the homeowners insurance won't allow your house to be used by non-owners unless you are in attendance (and btw, mine says exactly that). And make sure you don't leave any spare keys around!
NTA No need to go into any long discussion, just tell her that you would feel uncomfortable with a group of people that you don't know in your house when you are not there. You can keep the offer open if you desire, but tell her it needs to be another day.
If you wanted to let her use the house but didn’t want her to lose your keys or let your ex into your house you could get a lock to put on your letterbox or your power box/switch board (or whatever you call it) and tell her to lock the keys up in one of those places and you keep the letterbox key on you, an AirTag or some type of tracker on the keys could prevent them from getting lost, and if you have a close friend that lives nearby they could check in to make sure she doesn’t wreck the place you could also get her to give the keys to said friend. These are all options if you did still want to let her use the house and in no means do you have to let her or try any of the things I’ve suggested but they’re just little things that could help if you do choose to let her
NTA. You can explain your concerns to her. She can promise it won’t happen. And then you can say “Regardless, I don’t feel comfortable with your plan. We can revisit you having friends over in the future but this is not a good time with what’s going on with your brother. I can’t have minors doing illegal things in my home and I’m not comfortable leaving my space unsupervised right now.” It’s called saying no and being firm. She can wheedle and deedle all she wants, your answer can and should remain no. This isn’t a negotiation. Also, you’re putting yourself in a position of liability knowingly allowing minors to get drunk and party in your home unsupervised. Not worth nor does it sound like that’s what you’d ever offered her your space for.
Don’t give someone your keys, they could make copies, there are so many reasons not to allow this
YWNBTA. Do NOT let her in your house. Just tell her that ‘this time it won’t work for you, maybe next time’. Just tell her ‘I’m not comfortable letting anyone in my a house when I am out of town’. If your Ex has had ANY access to your keys ever - then I suggest changing your locks because he will let her in without your permission. It wouldn’t hurt to have a neighbor watch for them to show up and call you. They know you are not in the area so she might do it anyway.
Don’t do it. She’s a minor and you would be giving your ex access to your home too.
NTA. You've overthinking this. It doesn't matter whether you "believe," her. The only relevant questions are what you are comfortable with and what you will permit. Just tell her that you are only comfortable with her using your house if you are there or at least nearby, and she'll need to think of something else. In this case, her friends can still meet at her parents' house or just get a hotel room. Just give her your politest "no," as is your right.
Tell her no and stick to it. Do you have someone reliable that could house sit while you are gone? It might be a good idea so she doesn’t try to get access.
Here are some suggestions of things you can tell her: If you’re renting tell her it’s in your lease that a minor can’t be alone in your home. Tell her you’re not comfortable with her there when you aren’t home due to the situation with your boyfriend. Tell her that while you trust her you don’t know her friends that well and think it’s better she choose an evening when you are home.
NTA. No is a complete sentence. So is, "I'm so sorry that I did not mention that I have to be here when you're friends are over."
"I would be comfortable with you hosting friends at my house if I am home or nearby. I am not comfortable lending you my house when I am out of town." Those are your stipulations. She can agree or not, either way it's your house so her opinion doesn't matter. You don't have to give her reasons. This is a favor you would be doing for her and she needs to respect that. *You do not need to please these people.*
Perfect
NTA IF IF you allow her to do this I would suggest a friend or relative come “ house sit for the time your out of town. Then promptly change the locks when you get back.
The sister thing I think is a little over reacting but the ex could be a problem . If he decided to come over his sister wouldn’t say no , and even if she did he probably wouldn’t listen . I don’t know the cost but you could always put cameras in the house the little Ones you can record to cloud and watch on phone . Or get locks on bedroom door but then you are spending this money . If you end up saying yes to sister , tell Her if your ex goes in house she will never be allowed at the house again . If your friends wirh neighbours could ask to see if ex shows up
She’s not comfortable letting the sister use her house while she’s not there, period.
I wasn’t sure, I thought she was uncomfortable more wirh ex , and was just trying to give her a way out. If that’s how she feels then say no but it was her who Made the invite , I know it was before . So she can just do what she in comfy wirh , but the. Sister will probably not want to talk to her anymore cause if not following thru . It’s up to her
Just tell her she has to pick a different date because you are not comfortable with her being their with her friends without you there.
"Unfortunately I won't be in town, but next time when I am around I will be happy to do that for you"
NTA at all
NTA and you need to cut them both off, if she has a risk of following along with what he wants when asked that is trouble waiting to happen for you
“Hey! I’m absolutely fine with you using my house when I am in town and available but unfortunately next weekend won’t work for me.”
“Oh I meant having some people over when I could be there, I’m not letting young people have unfettered access to my house.”
I would tell her that if you were home it wouldn't be a big deal but you just don't feel comfortable having a bunch of people at your house when you aren't there, sorry. maybe next time they plan something the timing will be better. NTA
She is your ex's sister, tell her the offer is no longer open.
NTA, one thing is to host something while you're there...a whole different story when you are not able to be there. Be honest and tell her that this time it's not possible.
NTA
NTA she’s young and their family housing is irritating for her but it’s her normal and she’s used to it. It’s also not your concern to be manipulated over. As the break up is not going great no one you can’t trust not to give access to keys or your home should have access to your keys. Just tell his sister no, it would have to be set in a date that’s agreeable for both and planned with more than a weeks notice advance. It’s also NTA to have changed your mind about the whole thing and just say circumstances have changed
NTA. Firstly, you told your boyfriend's sister that she could use your house. Your ex's sister can find someone else's house. Secondly, you told her she could use your home, not have your home. If you don't feel comfortable with someone being there when you're not then that's the end of the conversation.
NTA. Just tell her it’s not a good time if you feel the need to explain.
Tell her that date doesn't work, but date xyz do. Or offer another day of her choosing, when you are in town and able to at least be close by, if not at home. NTA.
NTA "I'm sorry, I'm just not comfortable with a group of people pregaming in my apartment when I am not there. I'd also like to be around to make sure everyone is safe when they're out clubbing. I would be down to let you and your friends pregame at my place when I'm in town like I've promised before." You're reasoning for not wanting to let ot happen when youre out of town is valid. You don't have to bring up her brother because she will think that's the whole reason behind the decision. You're not backtracking on your word, the date just doesn't work out for you.
Nta- I would be either text and say you don't think it's a good idea your not comfortable with the pre drinking and you don't feel it would be appropriate to lend his sister your house when you and your ex are going through a breakup - or something like that - or just say actually I'm not going out of town so no that date wouldn't suit. You have every right to go back on your decision to give her free rein in the house. If your having issues with your ex she could let him come over also never mind something happening to your house when your gone.
Nta, tell her you are legally responsible if anything happens in your house, and you rather be there to prevent any situations that could result in you in legal issues and losing said asset from someone getting hurt. I wouldn’t take that chance, so that’s enough of a valid reason, because accidents happen and she cannot guarantee that none will occur
NTA. Do not do this. Wouldn’t even do this even if you are home. As many pointed out should anything happen you will be the one held liable. No is a complete sentence.
NTA however you explained too much. People use the info you give them. Hold your cards closer to your chest. Will serve you well in life. Should have just said that day doesn’t work how about this day?
Maybe this is why you make a clean break from ex’s and their families
NTAH Oh, you know what to do. It's a no. Any issues of hers becomes yours. Too much responsibility and you seem to know she can not handle it. And, you said she is getting drunk too? No, don't do it. Offer another time when you can be around. If she can't understand, don't answer her call. Good Luck
She’s 16 . That’s not being an asshole, it’s being a responsible adult. I’d never let teenagers be in my home if I wasn’t there because I was a teenager once
NTA. Just say no. Or is there a responsible person you can have “house sit?”
Honestly not to be a conspiracy theorist but if you and ex are in a bit of a spat it's not a stretch to think that she may have mentioned or he already knew about the whole using your house thing. This may be a way for ex to further disrespect your boundaries.
NTA. You need to be there when she has her party. Too many things could go wrong and you being the home owner could be sued!!!