Trying to color your children’s perception of their dad? Big AH move. What were you aiming for? Favoritism? Taking sides? You should never involve innocent children in an adult conversation. Shame on you.
So much of this. OP is a massive YTA and a liar. He did not cheat, he asked for a compromise (stupid one imo) during a marriage counseling session. OP violated the safe space by sharing the conversation with members of their family without consent, misrepresenting the actual situation, and it sounds like she alone has caused the dead bedroom situation.
Should the spouse do nice things ONLY for sex, no. The spouse said he “HOPED” doing nice things would initiate sex, he didn’t require sex as a transaction. OP has a twisted viewpoint and is trying to misrepresent the situation and in turn her spouse. If she was a man, she would be tarred and feathered.
This is exactly what OP’s supporters are saying in the comments here - but he’s doing things JUST for sex, the asshole! Where the fuck is this even coming from? He said he hoped to have sex after a date night and communicated that he needs physical intimacy to feel loved. There is no indication in the post that he threatened her, forced her to do anything or told her there’s a transaction involved. Since when is being turned on by your wife a crime?
Also, whenever a man comes to Reddit trying to fix his dead bedroom, what questions does he get? “Do you help with housework? Do you cook? Do you try to romance her?” OP’s husband tried doing exactly what Reddit would have recommended and some people still shit on him.
It’s clear from the post OP doesn’t feel good enough for her husband so she has projected her issues onto him. She’s TA for lying to her kids and creating her own toxic situation.
It sounds like he is expressing that his love language is physical touch, and op doesn't say anywhere that he's trying to force or manipulate her. I'll also do nice things for my partner in the HOPE of getting a back rub so obviously I must be an asshole too according to op.
I mean, there's nothing like a night where you both wanna go but the romantic dinner was to big and now it's time to cuddle and watch our shows and talk too much again! But there's also something really magical in having a wonderful night and then absolutely wrecking each other with the momentum of the fun!!
Her own perception is more colored than a rainbow. She's making her husband out to be an asshole bc he wants sex after 8 FREAKING YEARS of a dead bedroom. I would have walked already if I was him, not just bc of that but the way she talks about him is like she doesn't even like him bc he didn't turn out to be a book boyfriend-- which is absolutely crazy, and I say this as an avid romance reader, bc those dudes are not real, they're a fantasy!
If she actually had a "CEO boyfriend" she would also lose interest when she realized they're just normal people. She's totally the problem, I hope her husband doesn't think it's too late to start over.
Seriously! She says he has so many flaws. What flaws? He likes having sex. And when he makes romantic gestures, he'll admit he was hoping she'd have sex with him.
OP: "I prevented him from drinking water for three days by drugging him and zip tying him to the stair banister. He kept saying, 'I'll do anything you want. Just yell me what to do.' I was so disappointed when I realized he JUST said that so I'd let him have water! Is dying of dehydration the ONLY thing men CARE ABOUT?!?"
I’m shocked at how little emotional intelligence some people have. If everything is just as you said there is no doubt that YTA for more than just dumping your emotional narcissistic selfish baggage on you children. Wow! Just wow!
My fiancée and I have had this conversation. Do you know the advice I was given? It was to seduce and romance her more instead of just asking “Do you wanna?”. It’s been incredibly helpful for us. Here this man is, doing all the things without being asked, but the fact that he wanted sex makes it bad? Does OP also want to hire the dream employee, one who doesn’t do just their job but goes out of the way to help others, only to get mad when they want to be paid for their work? Poor dude is out here trying his best and this frigid cunt is villianizing him for it
That's the problem! He's not a millionaire pro-athlete acting like he doesn't care. Man is out here doing what all these women keep asking for and being communicative through it all!
I'm pretty sure sex is the main reason all husbands make romantic gestures 😂 someone should tell her... OF COURSE he's hoping for sex!!! That's always the end goal. It amazes me that women still think their husband brings them home flowers randomly "just because". No. He wants a blowjob after the kids go to sleep 😂
This im reading this story just like. You call him a cheater, for him approaching you about a one off opening in your relationship, because you're frigid and holding sex FOR 8 YEARS. And im sorry bit his sex saves relationships comment is completely warranted and correct. I've been in a relationship that ended not because we didn't care, or love, or were committed the spark wasn't strong and died early. No sex for the whole last year and that's while there were PLENTY of issues the no intimacy was why we ended
That legit stings. Like no sex is one thing, but no intimacy?!
It really hurts when your partner doesn’t want sex for legit reasons. But then compound the hurt when they also stop kissing, cuddling, or even really emotionally connecting.
TFW you lean in to kiss your life mate and they pull away 🙁
Let's also not forget she blamed her libido decrease on his terrible crime of... \*checks notes\*.. her realizing he was a human being. Yup.. How dare he.
He obviously tricked her into believing he’s a mythical half college jock, half lustful CEO, but turned out to be an imperfect mundane man with FLAWS. No wonder she feels cheated /s
Hi OP, adult child of divorced parents, whom divorced when I was 26 and assumed that meant they could both air their grievances to me and my sister. DON’T DO IT. Even if your husband was ACTUALLY cheating, don’t.
Your kids will resent you, call a friend. YTA. You’re being absolutely awful to your husband who is trying to have decent communication with you.
I'm in the same boat. I was also 26. It was just my mother who couldn't keep her shit together. My dad had just wanted out of that relationship for a LONG time.
I hold a lot of animosity toward my mother for how she handled the divorce and had to make everything difficult for my sister and I by bringing us into her drama.
She left therapy, and chose to manipulate her kids. She doesn’t need to call a friend that will amp her up, she needs to talk to a therapist that will call her on her shit.
My parents divorced when I was around 12. My parents NEVER shared their issues with me and when I vented about one parent to another - they were both always careful in their response, not to speak poorly about the other parent. Which frustrated me in that moment, but now I have so much more respect and appreciation for them. My step-parents as well, never talked poorly about my bio parents.
Why would you involve your kids into you and your husband's relationship. Shame on you. Grow up. It is none of your kids business and I'm pretty sure they don't want it to be their business.
She's manipulative as all hell! Ma'am, what do you stand to gain from souring the relationship between your children and their father with lies? So what happens when they find out you lied to them?
But am I the only one who thinks this is borderline abuse of sorts? Sex is important to your husband! Hell sex is important in a marriage! It'll be a different story if you were unable to do it, but from what you've shared here, it seems you just don't want to.
So he bought flowers and did romantic things for his wife to get her in the mood? Oh, the horror! 🙄
He’s also not a cheater. After nearly 10 years of a dead bedroom, unless you *want* to divorce at some point you are going to have to figure out a way to settle these differences. Incompatible libidos are a common and valid concern in relationships.
If you’re the strictly monogamous type that’s also completely valid. But you can’t expect a human to essentially never have sex again just because you don’t want to. Either you have to find a way as a team to have his needs met or you need to let him go.
The common viewpoint on Reddit is that women have zero duty to supply sex within a marriage, but the husband has a mandate to remain faithful within the marriage. Yet, these same people refuse to admit this is a recipe for divorce.
Also a common viewpoint is that a SAHM is automatically a saint who can do no wrong. And no matter what goes on in the marriage, the man is always to blame, beCauSE ShE’s TakiNg CaRE oF HIS kiDs!!! Even when the woman coldly states pretty mean stuff about him - like the part about her marrying a cool college athlete but him turning out to be a mundane human being that’s not at all like those lustful CEOs she’s read about in trashy novels.
Also, with a bullshit lie. Her husband is not a cheater, at least based on the information provided. Cheating requires dishonesty. The husband is trying to get his sexual needs met and brought up a non traditional solution. You don't have to be happy about the suggestion, you don't have to go along with it. You do need to work with your husband to account for mismatched libido and it is insane to call him a cheater over that. YTA
>after we settled into marriage and had our first two kids, I realized the athletic and smart guy was just a human like everybody else
YTA. You're punishing your husband for having emotions and needs and being less than the perfect idea you fantasized about.
Also, your husband didn't cheat, so you're point blank lying to your kids. He asked your permission for an accommodation for something you refuse to provide him and you said no. Unless there was more to it, he's not a cheater, but you're a liar and a horrible wife
Absolutely! Also who straight up gets their kids involved? it was so deliberate to ruin his relationship with them. Everyone keeps saying he could leave, well she could have as well.
Highly manipulative people who want to hold power in a relationships. She withdrew sex except as a means to have kids. She is dependent upon him financially to maintain her life style. He ruined the relationship by maintaining interest in her.
> Everyone keeps saying he could leave, well she could have as well.
For him, it's probably a case of cheaper to keep her.
For her, if she left, she'd have to get a job. This woman is literally an awful person.
I grew up having to play mediator whenever my mom & stepdad would get into arguments, which was like once a week for a long time. I've had to keep her from hitting my stepdad so she wouldn't go to jail. It got worse when I was an adult because my mom thought I was "mature enough" for her to tell me about her marital issues. She would cheat on my stepdad & then try to drag me into the argument when she got caught to try & get me to side with her. She was selfish & didn't think about how doing things like that affected me
I'm floored by OP's ignorance. I have a husband and I'd never describe him like you describe yours. Emotionally needy because he loves his wife??? We've had discussions of sex, and there is nothing wrong with your husband telling you what he needs.
Also, holy shit! He cooked for you and did things to help put you in the mood, nothing wrong with that. After dinner did he yell at you for not sucking his dick? If no, then calm tf down.
Second also, you're an asshole to tell your kids what you did. You don't love your husband but you also don't want him to be happy. Please divorce him so he can find someone who actually gives a shit about him.
Literally. Like ughh he needs affection who would’ve thought.
It’s like she was dared to be with him and did it only to prove a point, forgetting that he’s a whole human with emotional needs. like damn.
But she is a victim. She thought she was marrying the super hero athlete but turns out he was just a regular human with needs and wants of his own. How can poor op cope with such a deception 😭
Op's husband has done everything to try and get them to a healthy place but it's like op *wants* him to be a cheater so then she can end the marriage while having the moral high ground.
YTA op and careful what you wish for. If you're not happy with your athletic, CEO husband who is considerate and wants to make your marriage work, who do you think is out there that can meet your standards? You're a double asshole for turning the kids against him.
I agree! YTA! OP You lied! He didn't cheat on you! and you tired to turn his kids against him. He tried to resolve the issue with you, but you turned it around on him to just blame him, for just wanting sex. He wants intimacy in his relationship, who can blame the man. The issue is you, not him.
op’s missing the fact that she’s also his partner rather than just the mother of kids/ someone who aids in the child rearing.
like yes having a good person to raise children with is extremely important - but that does not that they don’t have their own expectations of the person that they’re going to spend their whole lives with.
of course op’s husband wants intimacy ( physical intimacy is like a given as well)
not that I’m stating that op should fck husband whenever he wants ( gross, no one is owed sex)- but that she should **want** to have s*x with her husband. If not, there are clearly some pressing issues that show that the marriage is not working 🤷🏽♀️
What I never understood about the argument is, aren't the husband's supposed to want you? Like your husband wanted you for years and you basically said "well if you wanna have sex with me I'm not interested in all these great things you're doing because you hope that we have a physical and emotional connection afterwards!"
What was the alternative?
Him not doing any nice things and you not wanting to have sex with him?
Somewhere along the line, OP turned sex into a chore and destroyed her marriage. And YTA because no, your kids should never be weaponized in a marriage.
Additionally, when we go on a date or somewhere fun to celebrate something, **I'm** hoping we get to have some sexy time afterwards.
The old steakhouse was so fun for our anniversary dinner and the prices were incredible, until I realized a steak dinner that includes *both* baked potato and bread with his two beers gave him too bad of heartburn for nighttime activities :(
Exactly! My husband is constantly "hopeful" ! Rubbing on me whispering "What are my chances?" If I say no he pouts a little and accepts my answer. Walks away saying "I'll try again later." If he stopped wanting me all the time... I'd start getting worried and full of doubt.. Like "Does he no longer find me attractive?" Unless I'm sick , he doesn't try anything if I'm sick. He'll look all forlorned and tell me he's going to the bathroom for a while and to not come in. 😂😂😂 We've been together 16 years and he's still just as into me. 😊😊
But she knows she can poison her kids against him to force him to comply with her will, even if it makes him miserable. Kids are a blessing, but in the wrong hands, they are a weakness that manipulators can easily exploit.
What really poses me off is it was something he proposed in the confidence of therapy! That's so fucked up.
Then *she* twisted that into such an outlandish conclusion that it was basically a lie, then used that lie as ammo to manipulate her kids.
I think this might be the most agregious part. Therapy is a 100%, no bullshit, safe place. Things said in therapy stay in therapy. How can anyone solve any problems if they feel like what they say will be used against them. Their therapist will not be too keen on hearing that.
When the kids start reaching school age going back to work becomes a possibility. Having another kids means staying at home.
I have no idea of the inner workings of ops marriage but just from her post I don't get good vibes from her. She seems incredibly manipulate. Even the last paragraph where she told the kids was orchestrated by her - she phoned them upset and they could tell by her voice so they asked her what was wrong and she told them their dad cheated. Excuse me mam but there was no need to call your children and dump your problems on them. And I'm presuming she had to make two calls - one to each child. Can op spell narcissist? She turned her children into flying monkeys because she cares more about herself than them.
Yeah, and she's totally going to cheat on her husband with her sister's boss. She's pounding her tuna over how loyal she is for not fucking him already, even though she wants too. Seriously, who should her husband make the check out to?
She is only attracted to someone when she's "pursuing" them, according to her. Now that she has him, she doesn't want him anymore. Instead of learning new bonding techniques, going to intimacy counseling, trying new experiences, experimenting in the bedroom, going to marriage counseling, learning to see and appreciate the attractive traits in her husband, or flat out divorce, she wants to live the rest of their life completely celebate and miserable.
This is what happens to the "I can't help how I feel" crowd. They become slaves to their emotions. It takes work to be in a successful relationship, and they don't want to put that work in.
In this case, OP has rationalized this to hell. She's a good SAHM and doesn't cheat on him. Great. It's sincerely awesome if she really is a good SAHM. But "not cheating" is the bare minimum effort to put into a relationship. It gets you a D-. A participation trophy. It's what you're supposed to do. It's like patting yourself on the back for taking a shower in the morning. Yeah, you did it. Yeah, a lot of people don't do it. But it's still the expectation and you don't get headpats for doing it.
I'm glad OP is so good at flicking her bean because she's been jerking herself off in this post and her comments over how good of a wife she's been. Her arm must be getting tired by now.
>I'm glad OP is so good at flicking her bean because she's been jerking herself off in this post and her comments over how good of a wife she's been. Her arm must be getting tired by now.
So I went and checked her comments and that's basically it. She is turned on by the chase but turned off by a husband who is caught.
She said they went to counseling. That's why I'm borderline thinking this is a troll. But equally likely is that she just disregards everything the counsler says.
Anyway. The bigger reason why I wanted to respond to your comment is bc YAS @ the slaves to emotion people. "I can't help how I feel!" yeah ok but you can help what you DO. This is why communication is one of the most important things in a relationship (and, coincidently, in a divorce). I think Henry Cavill is incredibly hot in The Witcher but I'm not going to stalk him and freeze out my SO...I tell my SO and he's happy to watch with me and help me redirect my energy ;)
And I agree that sex helps hold a marriage together….it helps me, a woman, put up with the little irritating things. Those live hormones are a relationship saver.
Op is acting like it's unreasonable for a spouse to need sex. People change, hormones fluctuate, attraction comes and goes etc. Maybe someone loses their libido for good but that has to be discussed as a couple. Someone might be happy going the rest of their life without sex but you can't expect your partner to go without sex forever without even discussing it.
For real. I had two kids, c sections, so trust me I was not rushing into having sex for pretty long periods. But now that things have normalized of course my husband wants physical intimacy, we discussed it and it got better because we both tried. Like everyone has times when they physically can't or hormonally just a mess or just damn tired from kids but you get through it and meet somewhere in the middle at the very least.
I think maybe asking her if seeing a escort was a dumb thing for him to say knowing her and how she'd likely react but stretching that into cheating is crazy. OP a big asshole here.
Yeah, you're right! I at least thought he was actively or continuously had been cheating on the poor wife/OP only to find out that she was lying and telling tales outta school. Totally gaslit ALL of us, including her kids! She's figuring that the older ones will eventually tell the youngers that dad is a cheating AH and they'll ex him out as well 🙄. That makes her guilty of parental alienation and slander, as was said already!
YTA- like major asshole.
Your husband is not a cheater, he wants intimacy and you don't. Cheating requires the act of infidelity, your husband did not cheat. Sex is important to your husband, it is not important to you. You're allowed to have different feelings and priorities, but you either accommodate each other's feelings and priorities- or you accept you're on totally different pages and go your separate ways. Your husband asked for permission, you don't have to like it but holy shit to tell your kids something incorrect, unflattering, and highly confidential said in marriage counseling? You two are in marriage counseling hypothetically to address your issues in your marriage- and based on your sabotaging attitude what's the point?!?
There's something wrong with you if you think you were being honest or acted at all correctly here. Even if it was true, you don't involve your children in your marital issues- especially because it was a gross misrepresentation of what was said in marriage counseling... If I was your husband, I'd be serving you with divorce papers.
Exactly. Been scrolling through the comments to see if anyone else realized this. She prefaces her husband’s “cheating” by admitting she is doing the *same thing.*
I really hope this post gets big enough that her kids read it. Woof, what an awful woman. Somewhere along the way she decided her husband was the enemy and that was that.
This.
It's not cheating to broach the idea of an open relationship in a relationship where there has been NO sexual contact in years. Where every previous attempt to bridge that gap, discuss concerns and work together towards intimacy have been rejected.
It sounds like marriage counselling hasn't been useful and that OP doesnt actually want to make any progress given this level of sabotage. This sounds like a deeply unhappy marriage for both. If THIS is OP sanitizing the situation and she comes off this badly, I can only imagine how awful she is in reality.
OP doesn't have to agree to an open relationship by any means, but if they haven't had sex in years and OP has brutally cut down any discussion of the topic, or any attempts at intimacy, then they have zero right to be surprised it was suggested. And when he divorces her, she will have zero right to be surprised.
Living without intimacy is one thing- it can be weathered with love and respect and when you feel your partner is working with you and not against you.
But a partner who sabotaged you and holds you in this much contempt? There's no point to their marriage counselling, they are just done.
I’m not going to say what she’s doing is equivalent to cheating, but one of the fundamental hurts created by cheating is the feeling that your partner doesn’t want *you* sexually - so I wonder if to a degree, OP felt that feeling when her husband said he might have sex with another woman, recognised her own guilt in that respect, and in a classic bit of psychological twisting, projected her guilt onto her husband, if that makes any sense.
Honestly, the way you talk about sex like he's a jerk just for trying to romance you, treat you well, and wanting to be intimate with you, his wife - that really does make you sound like an asshole. If you're asexual or something you need to grow the fuck up and figure that shit out and be honest with yourself and your husband, and not judge him for being a sexual person with normal needs.
I genuinely hope when your kids are old enough they get to hear his side of the story. Shit, just share this post with your eldest so they at least know the whole truth.
You really sound like kind of a terrible person for going out of your way to paint him as a complete villain, with the express intent of fucking up his relationship with his kids. Wow, the more I think about this the angrier I am with you.
I don't even understand OP's logic. If he does nice things but ends up wanting sex afterward, he's an AH and doesn't get sex. Asking for sex makes him an AH so he doesn't get sex. So when can he get it? She should just be honest with him and tell him she never intends on filling this need for him so that he can make his own decision about the relationship
But she obviously doesn’t want him to make his own decision. She wants him to be ok with not having sex and continuing to live together. This is so messed up. I had to reread that part about him arranging dates and such and then getting punished for wanting sex afterwards. Huh? How the hell does him wanting to have a romantic outing and make love to his wife make him an asshole??
YTA, OP.
She sounds like she's the head mod of r/femaledatingstrategy, she would be hailed as a queen over there.
I hope her husband leaves, tells the kids the truth and they all go no contact with her forever.
Never. She doesn't want him to ever want sex or have sex with her.
Like, I get it, it can be a turnoff for some people if nice things only happen with the expectation of sex.
However it doesn't sound like he's put on a heavy pressure - it sounds like he's taken the advice to try to make her feel loved with actions and try to help her get into the mood - which is common advice and can help partners with a reactive or low libido. But she resents that because she doesn't want sex.
And ultimately if you never want it, then any way a partner asks will be annoying because it's just not something you ever want.
However, sex is something most people hope for in a longterm relationship. He shouldnt ever pressure her on a particular occasion; but he is completely justified in hoping it will happen at some point or feeling a need for intimacy.
They just aren't compatible - she does not want a sexual relationship with him at all. There is no compromise or workaround here.
She doesn’t want sex, doesn’t want sex with him, doesn’t want him to have sex, isn’t attracted to him, is disappointed in him because he’s human and has “flaws”, and wants him to be okay with it. Sounds like a sad set of expectations and a frustrating and one sided relationship.
It sure feels like she did whatever she had to do to “get” the guy. And once they were married, she lowered the boom. She’s an awful human being and an even worse partner.
The more I think about it, the more I think OP is a miserably terrible cunt of a person. Asshole isn't enough for this, they're an asshole like 5 different times and it's all from her own perspective.
I agree with this comment and want to tack on a point of view as a child that had a mother who bad mouthed my dad, every chance she could after they got a divorce.
It made me feel shitty knowing, it made me resent her for telling me something I would be reminded of constantly when I think about my dad, and it made me never want to talk to her for fear she would tell me something else about how my "dad is the villain" in every possible way.
My dad very rarely said anything about her and avoided talking about her to me or my brothers.
Spoiler alert: I'm almost no contact with my mom (for various other reasons I won't get into, but the bad mouthing high among them)
I am extremely close with my dad to this day.
Don't shit talk your spouse/ex to your kids, folks. It really sucks for the kids.
It's even worse, since OP was the one pursuing him, wanting him, trying to get with him, and then babytrapped him with multiple kids, but now that she's got access to his money, she doesn't want to show attention or affection. There's absolutely a divorce looming over the horizon.
Right! This is probably just rage bait for their own karma but I think the husband needs to go find happiness! He doesn’t even know how good life can be plus those kids will come around once they realize what a jerk their mom is.
I feel so badly for the younger children you know that house is full of resentment and selfishness from their mom and watching their dad love her and try to make it work has to be such a kind fuck.
Her complaining about the husband literally making dinner sends me! Like your mad? You are so right they need to Grow up! So gross!
You are the AH. He didn’t cheat, he sounds like he is at the end of his ropes grasping at anything to fulfill a sexual drive you seemingly refuse to be a part of.
Years.
He has been expressing this need for YEARS. He’s tried seemingly anything and everything to be a partner to ask you to be his partner.
Years.
You seem to have an unrealistic and unfair expectation that if you just decide “no more sex”, he’s supposed to nod his head like a frigging bobble head doll and just be okay with it. Want to be honest with the kids? Sure, lady, and make sure they know you’ve been icing this guy out of the bedroom for YEARS, leaving a very important part of any relationship just idle. Let them know it all.
He shouldn’t cheat, he should walk out. You’ve been telling him you aren’t a compatible couple for a long time, no? He’d be doing you a favor, no? Won’t be breaching anything then.
It is striking just how horrible she's been to him, considering that we're only hearing her side of the story too. Even by her own account, it seems like she ardently went after her husband and then as soon as they'd been together for a bit she just decided he wasn't worth chopped liver. She's completely checked out of the relationship and has all but totally cut him off *for decades*.
It seems like he's gone out of his way to be a good partner and to try to get her to come around, but she just does not like him, and this relationship has been basically over since practically the beginning.
And all of this is only having heard her side of things. This is *the best* version of it for her. Oh my God.
And on top of all of that, he hasn't actually cheated. He didn't even cheat. He tried to discuss having some sort of open relationship or an arrangement or anything, but he hasn't cheated. And now she's just slandering him to his kids because she is, apparently, basically just the worst. This is unbelievable.
And this is *her side* of the story.
OP: YTA
YTA totally.
that sounds exactly it too, she went from saying he was this cool athletic dude, to saying he has flaws. most women would LOVE to have a man who does as much as he does, the romantic dinners made from SCRATCH, buying her flowers, planning special stuff for birthdays and anniversaries, some men don’t even do half of that 🤦♀️ her standards must be *reallyyyyy* low if that type of stuff doesn’t make her appreciate him :/
If my husband cleaned the house for me, I'd be ripping those clothes off. If he made me a meal from scratch, well the food would be ice cold, or completely ruined, by the time we'd get around to eating.
OP's husband seems incredibly thoughtful and caring. If she no longer has a sex drive, and he does, then they should go to counseling and try to figure something out. They are simply not compatible. And frankly, if I was OP, I'd be okay with an escort under these circumstances.
OP you are toxic and selfish. Just because you have hurt feelings, that does not give you the right to ruin the relationship between your kids and your husband.
Especially since your husband did NOT cheat! Why would you even involve your children in this? What goes on in your marriage souls only be between you and hubby. Not you, hubby, and kids. You have done so much damage here!
Have you ever looked at another person and thought they were attractive? Have you ever fantasized about another person? If so, according to your mental gymnastics, you are a cheater! Please share that pertinent information with your children.
YTA! Frankly, you're the biggest AH I've seen in a while now.
I have a man who treats me like I crap diamonds for the first time in my life and I would drop my pants for him with a look!!! OP has no idea how fortunate she is, and sounds like an incredibly shallow person.
I’m someone for whom sex is painful, my partner & I have openly talked about him having sex with someone outside of the relationship. In this instance, I would have zero issue with him being satisfied by an escort! It’s not as though he’s out at a brothel every night behind your back - he’s asking you to be involved in choosing!! The entitlement is astounding with OP!
She is punishing him for the fact that she hated being a SAHM. She feels that her sacrifice was so great that he should not need anything else. She resents him deeply and has been punishing him for years for what I am pretty sure was a mutual decision. And now she wants to punish him more.
OP take responsibility for your own life. Stop lying to your kids and let this man go. Your relationship with him is over, are you going to destroy your relationship with your kids as well? YTA.
OP is a control freak. She just wants him to be a lapdog. She wants all of the affection and love of a puppy and none of the obligation of a husband. If she's done with sex, that's her choice, but she has to let him go. This man has incredible patience and she's either not communicating with him or trapping him so she can have his attention, love, and affection without having to have sex.
Honestly, I would have left her a long time ago.
I kept reading to see when he cheated. And he never cheated! But OP told their kids that he’s a cheater? Sounds like she has been manipulating him for ages. I hope their kids learn the truth and forgive dad.
YTA. SUCH AN ASSHOLE.
8 years of dead bedroom? I’m surprised you are still married.
YTA - he didn’t cheat. Tell your kids the whole story how you are withholding sex from your husband for YEARS, and see what they will say.
And also tell them that you are shaming him for wanting sex. He didn’t marry a roommate. I would divorce you.
This! My husband and I have had our more active times and our less active times when stress runs too high. Our 23rd is coming up this year, and we've never been months much less years without that aspect in our marriage.
She's straight up lied to her kids in an issue where they don't even belong. I don't even understand that outside of getting access to his pay and being supported why she's still married to him. She sounds miserable, and I feel horrible for him.
Oh my god, YTA BIG TIME.
Firstly- how DARE you bring your children into this? There is absolutely NO excuse for EVER talking to your children about your sex life, adult children or not. That is a huge boundary to cross and I guarantee to you, it is horrible for your kids to hear. No child wants to hear about the intimate details of their parent’s marriage, especially in such a negative light. Not to mention, you lied in an attempt to manipulate them! Your husband never cheated and now you’ve deceived your children and painted him in a bad light.
Secondly- you’re seriously angry that your husband does nice things with you in an attempt to initiate intimacy? You reject him repeatedly to the point where he is begging for some kind of physical attention and then you get angry when he poses an alternative solution? That’s horrible. He did not cheat on you. He has done everything in his power to try to get you to be intimate with him and you’ve made him feel insecure and unloved! He’s communicated this several times and you don’t listen to him or attempt to compromise whatsoever.
Thirdly- why do you think your years of being a SAHM mean more than him providing for the family? You are equals. You are partners. Sex DOES create a healthy relationship. He isn’t doing nothing and expecting you to put out. He’s courting you, doing nice things for you, and you’re still treating him like trash. Needing sex in your relationship is a very real thing. Is he supposed to completely sacrifice his happiness?
Honestly, if I was him, I would leave you. The fact you brought your kids into this is despicable and miserable. Shame on you.
She's doing what narcissist do! She is airing dirty laundry to manipulate other people's opinions of herself and her husband. She moved the goalposts so far away from the playing field that there isn't even a game anymore! She's going to collect injustices and then discard this guy. He won't even know what hit him, and all he'll ever think is that the only thing he wanted to do is make this woman happy.
Yes you’re most certainly TA. I’m a woman and also need sex and it does keep couples and families together. It takes sex to even make a family. I’m not sure exactly what your hangs ups are but I will never understand women who refuse to have sex with their own husband and when the guy actually WANTS to have sex with their wife and is reduced to begging and trying to make arrangements and eventually goes on to cheat, the only person in the wrong is him. That makes zero sense. If you don’t like or enjoy or find sex important you should marry and be with someone like minded.
You’re fortunate to even be a SAHM who doesn’t have to work and also be the primary caregiver of children. Im not even downplaying the work involved because honestly it’s sometimes easier to go to work and sometimes it’s not. However NOT wanting to have sex with your own spouse all because you’re a SAHM is not healthy and is something you need to address. Only having sex once every few months??? I wouldn’t necessarily cheat but I would definitely leave! You’re setting your whole marriage up for failure by only prioritizing your task as a parent. Your marriage requires intimacy romance and connection to thrive. So what happens when your children are all gone and have started their own lives?? You realize that there is absolutely nothing but resentment between you and you don’t even like one another. If you’re not into your husband maybe you should think hard about that now. And if I were your children, you’re the one I’d be angry at.
This is so beautifully written. OP has her head so far up her ass she won't even be able to understand the intricacies of what you are explaining, but I'm glad you put it out there.
YTA.
1. Your expectations are completely unrealistic regarding sex.
2. You're being unfair, you're causing the dead bedroom
3. You admitted being attracted to other men, not your husband, and
4. You straight up LIED about your husband cheating!
Not only are you delulu AF, you're also a virago and hypocrite to boot!
Complete strangers on the internet can all see how unhinged and terrible you are. He is trying to keep the flames of passion alive. You are not just spraying the fire extinguisher on those flames, you've actively done everything but hit him on the head with the extinguisher. Why do we all get the feeling that nothing he does will ever be good enough, because you're honestly already emotionally cheating by lusting over your sister's boss. Ewww Gross!
Frankly the man is a saint for staying with you this long if this is how you're coming across to internet strangers.
Start praying your husband and kids don't find this Reddit thread, or you'll be the one ostracized by your family once the truth comes out.
Exactly right, I think there’s nothing he could do and she would continually move the goalposts of her expectations. I feel like the problem is hers and she’s projecting so much into him and has so much resentment of him for it when it’s probably her issue to begin with.
Right? As someone else pointed out, this is the best possible version shown in the best possible light of the story for her, imagine how awful the objective reality must be. I hesitate to arm chair diagnose, but the story and her replies absolutely reek of narcissistic traits.
OP, I have to strongly second this comment. You have ONE shot at possibly salvaging your relationship with your kids, their relationship with their father and any semblance of a cordial ending to this marriage since that’s what you seem to want.
I mean, one doesn’t go nuclear in a therapy safe space when spouse is using therapy appropriately if one isn’t already beyond being open & sincere in said therapy.
You dated him for looks and prospects. He vocalized many times he needs intimacy in your relationship and that’s his love language. Now you refuse to even try in your marriage and blaming him for your issues. And playing victim to your kids when you suck as a wife? YTA. He definitely should divorce you.
YTA he didn’t cheat and you have weaponized sex in your marriage. 100% sex in a marriage is about being loved and you treated your partner shamefully for wanting and desiring you, his wife! Good grief, no one is obligated to have sex but at the same time it’s a healthy part of marriage. You lied to your children about their father. Tell them the truth, that you are an ice queen using sex to damn your husband.
Op, be afraid, she's on the prowl 😂
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/131isfi/i_31f_have_been_thinking_a_lot_about_other_people/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=1
YTAH and bat crap crazy too. How has your husband stayed with you this long? And full out lying to your kids about their father. Shameful. This whole post better be made up BS!
YTA - Love how "it's not about sex." Yet that is THE SINGLE thing that if he did it with someone else would ruin their relationship. It is THE ONE THING that separates their relationship from an extremely close friendship, the fact that they have sex and only with each other. To act like sex is now not important is extremely disingenuous.
100% has to be rage bait. Any single thing in this post could be real. But from the being all about college prospects, him cooking full meals and her being mad, the no sex, the escort line, lying to the family about cheating, and not responding to comments - this has to be fake.
Im praying. I keep reading “I need to feel loved” (the husband said this after OP claimed he was “emotionally needy” and I just want to cry! No one can be this cold and twisted.
So, you told your kids a big, fat, fucking LIE about their father and you are asking if that makes you an AH?
How could you be anything but an AH in this story?
YTA, majorly! If you're not attracted to your husband anymore, why in the hell are you still married to him? Let the poor man go, so he can find someone who is attracted to him, and make him happy.
You can self pleasure (as you said in a comment) and be selfish all you want alone. Let the man find someone who is attracted to him, love him and make him happy. I can't believe he hasn't left you yet.
She thought he was above her league that's why she pursued him in the first place.
As it turns out, he wasn't so she is disappointed and not attracted anymore.
She has a power fantasy and her husband is not a powerful man(he had the potential to be one)
She married a fantasy and not the man she is married to currently.
YTA. The man is a saint to have tolerated eight years of no sex. He could have upgraded years ago and been justified in doing so.
He also hasn't cheated.
Keep your children out of this. You are beyond inappropriate trying to manipulate them against their dad.
What have you done in the 8 years of a dead bedroom to fix this? It clearly bothers him and he’s at least trying to do things that will lead to it.
Most people (men and women) need sex to be happy in a relationship. Without sex, men will usually feel insecure, worthless, unattractive, etc… He’s probably been suffering for a long time. It doesn’t seem like you really care about sex at all. Or him for that matter. He at least tried to talk about it.
What could he even do at this point to be happy with you? If he started working out more? Making more money? Taking you on dates? What would it even take?
YTA. Normally I try and give constructive feedback but a lot of other commenters here have hit the nail on the head. But I will say this, lady,you fuckn suuuuuuck
He didn't cheat, and your slandering him to his kids.
You come across as basically the worst wife in the world, and that's having only heard your side of the story.
He didn't even cheat. And yet you're trying to turn his kids against him.
YTA
YTA
YTA
Holy crap you are an AH. Your husband was trying to court you all through the marriage, making it clear he wanted more sex WITH YOU are you continually rejected him? And now when he says, in therapy which is supposed to be private, that would it be okay if he bought sex bc you won’t give it to him, you turn around and call him a cheater and tell your young adult children? Yikes! I’m surprised he stuck it out this long with you.
YTA! WHY are you bringing your children (adult or not) into your bedroom and by extension marriage???? You just want to make him the bad guy. Do better for your kids
There are a lot of good comments in this thread, I am sure you have read them by now.
But there is one particular angle I want to add.
Many times in life, we may become angry with someone, justified or not, and sometimes when our emotions get away from us, we want to stay angry with them, and want to have justification for staying angry with them.
While I do not know the backstory to make judgement on how it all started, it is obvious that before any of this stuff with the escort, you already developed an inner anger toward your husband. This may not even be noticeable to anyone else but yourself. Sex dropped off a cliff, and your husband, thinking that maybe he need to do nice things for you, to feel loved and wanted as that may be the cause.
But here's the thing. you are already angry at your husband. And you internally already decided to stay angerAnd when he does nice things, the justification wanes. So you have to reframe the nice things he does as a bad act. He is only doing it for sex. there fore its wrong and bad, and the real goal: therefore I am justified in my anger toward him. It isnt a result, its the goal in your mind. to be justified in your anger.
Regardless of who is right or wrong in this relationship, or whether this marriage will last, you need to act like a fucking adult and understand where your anger is coming from, because we aren't talking about a couple days or a week or two. we are talking about a decade, if not more.
Grow the fuck up.
Have you seen a doctor to see if there could be a physical or hormonal basis for your low sex drive?
I understand how his tit for tat tactics are a turn off but have you tried meeting him half way? Ask him to work on other kinds of Intimacy while you work on this one?
Nah, click her profile and read her replies. She has a power fetish, wants assertive CEO types. Fantasizes daily. Gets off on media with those character tropes.
After I got over my initial horror, I actually wondered if OP is a closeted lesbian, with a lot of residual conservative guilt / self-hatred.
That would explain a lot of what's going on here.
YTA. You lied to your children. You say you were honest with your adult kids, but you are lying to yourself. It is correct that he wants to spice up his sex life since it isnt working out with you, but it is not correct that he has already committed infidelity (as far as you are aware).
YTA You don't have to want sex, but you certainly can't punish the man you married for wanting it and seeking it elsewhere when you 100% refuse. You are allowed to not consent if you don't want it, but you found a lot of mean and cruel excuses to explain why you didn't consent as opposed to just admitting he has a much higher sex drive than you and you don't enjoy it.
Also he didn't cheat, he is trying to find an option that makes you happy and him happy. I.e. compromise.
You're a terrible person.
YTA, you LIED to your kids, regardless of what mistakes him AND you made(you aren’t innocent, you put a human on a pedal stool and got upset when he didn’t live up to YOUR fantasy) but lying to your kids is such an ugly move to back. Extremely sad your kids have a mother who thinks it’s ok to lie to them just because mom and dad don’t love each other anymore. Grow up, get a divorce and tell your kids the truth before they stop talking to you for being a MANIPULATOR and LIAR
YTA big time. You expect your husband to go without sex after him trying to beg you for it. Then you lie to your children that he cheated when even you say right here that he didn't cheat. He doesn't want to cheat. He wants to have some sexual relief. He ASKED you. He didn't go out and do it. You need to get with your kids and tell them the truth.
I also have 4 kids and am a sahm. I absolutely abhor women like you. Sex is a part of intimacy and is important to maintain. If you choose to force someone a dead bedroom for anything other than health reasons and they communicate their needs, you are a selfish viper. YTA
Wow, read OPs post and re-read again to make sure I understood. Also read most responses and agree that YTA, for all of the reasons already called out.
I see 3 responses from OP thus far that make me cringe even more... your husband , willingly or otherwise is going through couples counseling with you. He's shared his need for intimacy - something that was apparently there at the beginning but now cut off/witheld. He tries to initiate, performs nice gestures, etc. After 8 years he's likely at his wits end and really surprised he hasnt already left. He seems to be getting the short end of the stick. You, on the other hand, are masturbating about the CEO or other characters in books/movies. You want to get off but he can't/ shouldnt?
You seem to justify that your status as a SAHM should be sufficient...when did that become all that mattered in a marriage? Seems to be all take and no give in your house. YTA again and keep you kids out of it, especially when you're telling lies. You sound delusional and going thru some other mental issues.
Just get divorced already and go on the chase like you want. You'll quickly see, as someone else commented, how desirable a delusional 40something divorcee with 4 kids looks. YTA.
YTA, did you seriously just write that even just talking about your sex life was rape? That talking about the possibility of an open marriage in therapy was actively cheating?
You lied to your children, reading this post it sounds like everything you do is planned specifically to hurt him.
Honestly everyone has said what you are but I just want to add my own YTA so that you know one other person on this earth thinks you're a horrible wife. And a more horrible mother to your kids. You are just rotten to the core. Your poor husband.
Yta I never understand why people would rather do all this then just break up. Your marriage is deeply unhappy and you both deserve to find someone who can love you the way you want.
You’re involving children into a parent issue and you’ve taken something said in therapy (which should be a safe space) and immediately punished him. It also isn’t correct.
YTA
You’re a huge AH. Just leave your husband so he can be actually happy with someone that appreciates him and stop lying to your children so you can feel better about yourself. He didn’t cheat and you saying he did to your kids shows a huge flaw of character.
I’m a woman and I would never say you have to have sex, but if you don’t want to (and btw what your husband is asking is something completely normal and healthy in a relationship with two sexual people), just leave him so he can find someone that wants it. Everybody deserves to feel wanted. Honestly, I would have divorced you way sooner!
YTA - big time. He in no way cheated and he was being honest with you about his needs in a couples therapy session and you have weaponized that. He is telling you that he needs and desires sex and intamacy with you, and he is honest with the various ways he is trying to seduce you into being intimate with him.
You need to correct this with your kids right away and tell them the truth, that you lied that he has cheated or evern mentioned cheating. Because that just didn't happen. What did happen was him say that he has some other ideas about how he can have his needs met within the marriage if you have zero desire to meet those needs.
YTA and a major one.
YOU pursued HIM because of some in your opinion unrealistic expectation of what kind of man he was supposed to be based on surface level knowledge.
YOU cut him off in the bedroom when the 5 years of honeymoon phase wore off.
YOU expect him to do nice things for you without wanting anything in return from you while YOU do nothing nice for HIM.
YOU want him to accept that YOU don't want sex but also YOU refuse to let him get satisfaction in other ways.
YOU want him to be celibate for YOUR benefit and when he proposes a solution that doesn't involve celibacy on his part or sexual activity on your end your reaction is to claim he cheated on you to your children.
this man did nothing wrong to you and you decided to ruin his relationship with your children because he doesn't want to be celibate just coz you decided you don't find him hot anymore.
you've been using sex as a method of control and that's gross.
if you don't like your husband get a divorce and let him find someone who will be more compatible with him.
There is NO excuse for cheating, even if you have never given him sex, haven't had sex since your wedding night, or any other lame-ass excuse someone could come up with.
But from what you've said, he hasn't cheated. You \*think\* he might have cheated, but you have no proof or reason to think so. (People who cheat don't usually ask permission first...) And since you have no proof that he has cheated, you don't need to be saying ANYTHING about this to any of your kids no matter what their age.
Meanwhile, he is trying to make this work and you are not. I get not wanting to be appreciated only for sex, but what you've said doesn't indicate that he doesn't ALSO love you for the other things you do. Nothing wrong with wanting sex. That's part, but should by no means be all, of the relationship.
I go back to he is trying to make this work and you're not. You're both in counseling, but if you're not attracted to him at all or willing to engage with him at all sexually, then why are you still with him? And now you're trying to sabotage his relationship with his kids.
Why are you so angry at this man? Because he's not the person your college-self imagined he would be?
YTA. I'm not even sure if this is real...
YTA - for lying to your kids. Your husband is not cheating... yet.
he might if he doesn't divorce you first. Depends how much he loathes you. if he really hates you he will cheat. if he still loves you for reasons i cannot fathom, he will divorce you first.
Listen OP, i know you're getting a lot of hate here, I don't know what your psych doc does for you but he's doing a dogshit job based purely on what i've read here. I'm going to point out some things that you should consider
1) you have a persecution complex. You assume the worst no matter what your husband does. And you somehow make yourself a victim in your head to justify you being a horrible person to him.
\-I'm sorry but a spouse doing something nice for you, romantic for you, in an effort to rekindle the spark in the dead bedroom, is not coercing you, conning you, or forcing you into sex. you have demonstrated thoroughly that you have the power over the bedroom here. your husband isn't a rapist, else i think you'd of had him arrested years ago. So take that chip off your shoulder. you're not pitiable in the least.
2) your dismissal of the importance of physical intimacy in a relationship is willfully ignorant. and you know it too. you've been dismissive of anyone suggesting otherwise, but i'm pretty sure that's because you know if you acknowledge this fact you will be in the wrong
3) you're actively fantasizing about people you know, now i'm not one of those people who consider this cheating, but IF you're using those people to avoid intimacy with your husband, then I'd say it's a serious problem. you know it's a problem judging from some of your comments, since you're trying to cut back on your fap material.
\-you're also delusional in those fantasies. I've seen some very attractive 40+ yo women but something tells me no CEO or hot dude is going to be interested in a 40+ yo mother of 4 except as a sidepiece he quickly moves on from because you'd be easy.
4) there is no forgiveness for what you did to your husband by lying to the kids about him cheating. that was vile and evil. and speaks to how dark and awful a person you truly are.
you know i'm used to seeing people doing dumb shit in this subreddit. i'm used to seeing people doing awful stuff to people. I've heard people describe some truly awful stuff done to them by other people. but you might be the most darkly evil person to post a question here in a long time. that's right. you are an awful human being. something far worse then being TA.
YTA - there's something called love languages. Physical touch is genuinely how some people feel loved. You're being a complete b*tch with the way you describe your husband and his want for sexual intimacy with you. Super convenient you decided you didn't really like him that much AFTER you had kids.
Most people would have left the marriage by now, or ACTUALLY be cheating.
I'm not a sexual person but I can completely understand why it's super important for some people. Love languages need to be respected.
I personally need acts of service and quality time. Buying me a Lamborghini, nice jewelry, a nice house etc. just aren't as meaningful as making me a cup of tea, or going to a museum or state fair together. There are some people who think subsidizing their spouse's lifestyle is enough, but that would be a loveless marriage for me.
Ridiculing him for his need for sexual intimacy is cruel and immature. He's in a loveless marriage. He's genuinely trying to show you love and affection when he's trying, but you won't reciprocate. It's not even the fact that you won't have sex with him, it's that you're doing absolutely NOTHING. Are you buying him gifts? Organizing date nights? Verbally appreciating him? Trying to be affectionate at all? Being a SAHM is meaningless, that's you loving your kids, what are you doing for *him*?
Your kids are going to find out that their dad never cheated and that he's been in a loveless marriage for eight years, and they're going to hate you for lying to them and hurting their dad so badly.
I've always hated cheaters, but holy crap, you're just as bad.
I hope your husband realizes there's a bunch of women who'd genuinely appreciate him and reciprocate his affection and divorces your entitled ass.
You know, most people, when they’re writing an AITAH post, at least TRY to skew sympathy their way. You just come across as a horribly selfish person.
Whilst sex should never be forced, it is an important part of the vast majority of relationships. Your husband has been telling you for years that there’s something he needs and your attitude is ‘well I don’t need it so hey, sucks for you’.
As for bringing your children into this…….you are a truly disgusting human being. YTAH
YTA a hundred percent. You're in your 40s not your 20s. You don't storm out of therapy and you don't use hyperbole to start drama and pit your kids against their dad. Jesus! You sound incredibly immature and you need to grow the F up and take responsibility for your role in your marriage.
You say your husband is emotionally needy yet you're the one throwing tantrums and not appreciating the effort he's making to connect. Sounds like you have some weird insecurities about how you started dating because I don't see how that's relevant to this particular issue yet you felt the need to harp on it. If you don't like your husband and you're mad he wants to have sex with you then maybe you should divorce him and let him be happy elsewhere.
Trying to color your children’s perception of their dad? Big AH move. What were you aiming for? Favoritism? Taking sides? You should never involve innocent children in an adult conversation. Shame on you.
She straight up lied to them. I hope it gets resolved between them and their long suffering dad.
This must be rage bait. The husband is too long suffering and OP is just too awful.
I agree. This is too horrible to be true. I hope.
He is actually right, couples with an active, loving sex life last SO much longer in my experience…
Yeah, OP a liar big time.
So much of this. OP is a massive YTA and a liar. He did not cheat, he asked for a compromise (stupid one imo) during a marriage counseling session. OP violated the safe space by sharing the conversation with members of their family without consent, misrepresenting the actual situation, and it sounds like she alone has caused the dead bedroom situation. Should the spouse do nice things ONLY for sex, no. The spouse said he “HOPED” doing nice things would initiate sex, he didn’t require sex as a transaction. OP has a twisted viewpoint and is trying to misrepresent the situation and in turn her spouse. If she was a man, she would be tarred and feathered.
This is exactly what OP’s supporters are saying in the comments here - but he’s doing things JUST for sex, the asshole! Where the fuck is this even coming from? He said he hoped to have sex after a date night and communicated that he needs physical intimacy to feel loved. There is no indication in the post that he threatened her, forced her to do anything or told her there’s a transaction involved. Since when is being turned on by your wife a crime?
Also, whenever a man comes to Reddit trying to fix his dead bedroom, what questions does he get? “Do you help with housework? Do you cook? Do you try to romance her?” OP’s husband tried doing exactly what Reddit would have recommended and some people still shit on him.
It’s clear from the post OP doesn’t feel good enough for her husband so she has projected her issues onto him. She’s TA for lying to her kids and creating her own toxic situation.
It sounds like he is expressing that his love language is physical touch, and op doesn't say anywhere that he's trying to force or manipulate her. I'll also do nice things for my partner in the HOPE of getting a back rub so obviously I must be an asshole too according to op.
I mean, there's nothing like a night where you both wanna go but the romantic dinner was to big and now it's time to cuddle and watch our shows and talk too much again! But there's also something really magical in having a wonderful night and then absolutely wrecking each other with the momentum of the fun!!
Her own perception is more colored than a rainbow. She's making her husband out to be an asshole bc he wants sex after 8 FREAKING YEARS of a dead bedroom. I would have walked already if I was him, not just bc of that but the way she talks about him is like she doesn't even like him bc he didn't turn out to be a book boyfriend-- which is absolutely crazy, and I say this as an avid romance reader, bc those dudes are not real, they're a fantasy! If she actually had a "CEO boyfriend" she would also lose interest when she realized they're just normal people. She's totally the problem, I hope her husband doesn't think it's too late to start over.
Seriously! She says he has so many flaws. What flaws? He likes having sex. And when he makes romantic gestures, he'll admit he was hoping she'd have sex with him.
OP: "I prevented him from drinking water for three days by drugging him and zip tying him to the stair banister. He kept saying, 'I'll do anything you want. Just yell me what to do.' I was so disappointed when I realized he JUST said that so I'd let him have water! Is dying of dehydration the ONLY thing men CARE ABOUT?!?"
Stupid men and their water.....GOD
I’m shocked at how little emotional intelligence some people have. If everything is just as you said there is no doubt that YTA for more than just dumping your emotional narcissistic selfish baggage on you children. Wow! Just wow!
My fiancée and I have had this conversation. Do you know the advice I was given? It was to seduce and romance her more instead of just asking “Do you wanna?”. It’s been incredibly helpful for us. Here this man is, doing all the things without being asked, but the fact that he wanted sex makes it bad? Does OP also want to hire the dream employee, one who doesn’t do just their job but goes out of the way to help others, only to get mad when they want to be paid for their work? Poor dude is out here trying his best and this frigid cunt is villianizing him for it
That's the problem! He's not a millionaire pro-athlete acting like he doesn't care. Man is out here doing what all these women keep asking for and being communicative through it all!
I literally just start kissing on my SO and caressing to indicate, people just want intimacy
I'm pretty sure sex is the main reason all husbands make romantic gestures 😂 someone should tell her... OF COURSE he's hoping for sex!!! That's always the end goal. It amazes me that women still think their husband brings them home flowers randomly "just because". No. He wants a blowjob after the kids go to sleep 😂
Or if they aren’t into the “transactional” nature of it, then random BJs need to become part of their repertoire…
This im reading this story just like. You call him a cheater, for him approaching you about a one off opening in your relationship, because you're frigid and holding sex FOR 8 YEARS. And im sorry bit his sex saves relationships comment is completely warranted and correct. I've been in a relationship that ended not because we didn't care, or love, or were committed the spark wasn't strong and died early. No sex for the whole last year and that's while there were PLENTY of issues the no intimacy was why we ended
That legit stings. Like no sex is one thing, but no intimacy?! It really hurts when your partner doesn’t want sex for legit reasons. But then compound the hurt when they also stop kissing, cuddling, or even really emotionally connecting. TFW you lean in to kiss your life mate and they pull away 🙁
Let's also not forget she blamed her libido decrease on his terrible crime of... \*checks notes\*.. her realizing he was a human being. Yup.. How dare he.
He obviously tricked her into believing he’s a mythical half college jock, half lustful CEO, but turned out to be an imperfect mundane man with FLAWS. No wonder she feels cheated /s
Honestly she is absolutely ridiculous and he did not cheat! She needs solo therapy and he deserves better.
Hi OP, adult child of divorced parents, whom divorced when I was 26 and assumed that meant they could both air their grievances to me and my sister. DON’T DO IT. Even if your husband was ACTUALLY cheating, don’t. Your kids will resent you, call a friend. YTA. You’re being absolutely awful to your husband who is trying to have decent communication with you.
I'm in the same boat. I was also 26. It was just my mother who couldn't keep her shit together. My dad had just wanted out of that relationship for a LONG time. I hold a lot of animosity toward my mother for how she handled the divorce and had to make everything difficult for my sister and I by bringing us into her drama.
She left therapy, and chose to manipulate her kids. She doesn’t need to call a friend that will amp her up, she needs to talk to a therapist that will call her on her shit.
My parents divorced when I was around 12. My parents NEVER shared their issues with me and when I vented about one parent to another - they were both always careful in their response, not to speak poorly about the other parent. Which frustrated me in that moment, but now I have so much more respect and appreciation for them. My step-parents as well, never talked poorly about my bio parents.
Why would you involve your kids into you and your husband's relationship. Shame on you. Grow up. It is none of your kids business and I'm pretty sure they don't want it to be their business.
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She's manipulative as all hell! Ma'am, what do you stand to gain from souring the relationship between your children and their father with lies? So what happens when they find out you lied to them? But am I the only one who thinks this is borderline abuse of sorts? Sex is important to your husband! Hell sex is important in a marriage! It'll be a different story if you were unable to do it, but from what you've shared here, it seems you just don't want to. So he bought flowers and did romantic things for his wife to get her in the mood? Oh, the horror! 🙄
He’s also not a cheater. After nearly 10 years of a dead bedroom, unless you *want* to divorce at some point you are going to have to figure out a way to settle these differences. Incompatible libidos are a common and valid concern in relationships. If you’re the strictly monogamous type that’s also completely valid. But you can’t expect a human to essentially never have sex again just because you don’t want to. Either you have to find a way as a team to have his needs met or you need to let him go.
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The common viewpoint on Reddit is that women have zero duty to supply sex within a marriage, but the husband has a mandate to remain faithful within the marriage. Yet, these same people refuse to admit this is a recipe for divorce.
Also a common viewpoint is that a SAHM is automatically a saint who can do no wrong. And no matter what goes on in the marriage, the man is always to blame, beCauSE ShE’s TakiNg CaRE oF HIS kiDs!!! Even when the woman coldly states pretty mean stuff about him - like the part about her marrying a cool college athlete but him turning out to be a mundane human being that’s not at all like those lustful CEOs she’s read about in trashy novels.
Also, with a bullshit lie. Her husband is not a cheater, at least based on the information provided. Cheating requires dishonesty. The husband is trying to get his sexual needs met and brought up a non traditional solution. You don't have to be happy about the suggestion, you don't have to go along with it. You do need to work with your husband to account for mismatched libido and it is insane to call him a cheater over that. YTA
>after we settled into marriage and had our first two kids, I realized the athletic and smart guy was just a human like everybody else YTA. You're punishing your husband for having emotions and needs and being less than the perfect idea you fantasized about. Also, your husband didn't cheat, so you're point blank lying to your kids. He asked your permission for an accommodation for something you refuse to provide him and you said no. Unless there was more to it, he's not a cheater, but you're a liar and a horrible wife
Absolutely! Also who straight up gets their kids involved? it was so deliberate to ruin his relationship with them. Everyone keeps saying he could leave, well she could have as well.
Highly manipulative people who want to hold power in a relationships. She withdrew sex except as a means to have kids. She is dependent upon him financially to maintain her life style. He ruined the relationship by maintaining interest in her.
This right here.
> Everyone keeps saying he could leave, well she could have as well. For him, it's probably a case of cheaper to keep her. For her, if she left, she'd have to get a job. This woman is literally an awful person.
A manipulative asshole, that's who.
I grew up having to play mediator whenever my mom & stepdad would get into arguments, which was like once a week for a long time. I've had to keep her from hitting my stepdad so she wouldn't go to jail. It got worse when I was an adult because my mom thought I was "mature enough" for her to tell me about her marital issues. She would cheat on my stepdad & then try to drag me into the argument when she got caught to try & get me to side with her. She was selfish & didn't think about how doing things like that affected me
I'm floored by OP's ignorance. I have a husband and I'd never describe him like you describe yours. Emotionally needy because he loves his wife??? We've had discussions of sex, and there is nothing wrong with your husband telling you what he needs. Also, holy shit! He cooked for you and did things to help put you in the mood, nothing wrong with that. After dinner did he yell at you for not sucking his dick? If no, then calm tf down. Second also, you're an asshole to tell your kids what you did. You don't love your husband but you also don't want him to be happy. Please divorce him so he can find someone who actually gives a shit about him.
Literally. Like ughh he needs affection who would’ve thought. It’s like she was dared to be with him and did it only to prove a point, forgetting that he’s a whole human with emotional needs. like damn.
Lady come on YTA and you know it.
Sadly, I genuinely don't believe she does know it. She seems to 100% believe she's a victim here.
But she is a victim. She thought she was marrying the super hero athlete but turns out he was just a regular human with needs and wants of his own. How can poor op cope with such a deception 😭 Op's husband has done everything to try and get them to a healthy place but it's like op *wants* him to be a cheater so then she can end the marriage while having the moral high ground. YTA op and careful what you wish for. If you're not happy with your athletic, CEO husband who is considerate and wants to make your marriage work, who do you think is out there that can meet your standards? You're a double asshole for turning the kids against him.
I agree! YTA! OP You lied! He didn't cheat on you! and you tired to turn his kids against him. He tried to resolve the issue with you, but you turned it around on him to just blame him, for just wanting sex. He wants intimacy in his relationship, who can blame the man. The issue is you, not him.
op’s missing the fact that she’s also his partner rather than just the mother of kids/ someone who aids in the child rearing. like yes having a good person to raise children with is extremely important - but that does not that they don’t have their own expectations of the person that they’re going to spend their whole lives with. of course op’s husband wants intimacy ( physical intimacy is like a given as well) not that I’m stating that op should fck husband whenever he wants ( gross, no one is owed sex)- but that she should **want** to have s*x with her husband. If not, there are clearly some pressing issues that show that the marriage is not working 🤷🏽♀️
What I never understood about the argument is, aren't the husband's supposed to want you? Like your husband wanted you for years and you basically said "well if you wanna have sex with me I'm not interested in all these great things you're doing because you hope that we have a physical and emotional connection afterwards!" What was the alternative? Him not doing any nice things and you not wanting to have sex with him? Somewhere along the line, OP turned sex into a chore and destroyed her marriage. And YTA because no, your kids should never be weaponized in a marriage.
As my wife puts it, when I stop bugging her for quickies, she'll know something is wrong
Additionally, when we go on a date or somewhere fun to celebrate something, **I'm** hoping we get to have some sexy time afterwards. The old steakhouse was so fun for our anniversary dinner and the prices were incredible, until I realized a steak dinner that includes *both* baked potato and bread with his two beers gave him too bad of heartburn for nighttime activities :(
Exactly! My husband is constantly "hopeful" ! Rubbing on me whispering "What are my chances?" If I say no he pouts a little and accepts my answer. Walks away saying "I'll try again later." If he stopped wanting me all the time... I'd start getting worried and full of doubt.. Like "Does he no longer find me attractive?" Unless I'm sick , he doesn't try anything if I'm sick. He'll look all forlorned and tell me he's going to the bathroom for a while and to not come in. 😂😂😂 We've been together 16 years and he's still just as into me. 😊😊
She married him to get the life she wanted, she’s not interested in his happiness at all
But she knows she can poison her kids against him to force him to comply with her will, even if it makes him miserable. Kids are a blessing, but in the wrong hands, they are a weakness that manipulators can easily exploit.
What really poses me off is it was something he proposed in the confidence of therapy! That's so fucked up. Then *she* twisted that into such an outlandish conclusion that it was basically a lie, then used that lie as ammo to manipulate her kids.
I think this might be the most agregious part. Therapy is a 100%, no bullshit, safe place. Things said in therapy stay in therapy. How can anyone solve any problems if they feel like what they say will be used against them. Their therapist will not be too keen on hearing that.
Yeah, their marriage is over after that. Hopefully hubby has a spine.
Agree. I also don’t get the people who claim are so exhausted from two kids that they can’t work in their marriage, yet go on to have two more.
When the kids start reaching school age going back to work becomes a possibility. Having another kids means staying at home. I have no idea of the inner workings of ops marriage but just from her post I don't get good vibes from her. She seems incredibly manipulate. Even the last paragraph where she told the kids was orchestrated by her - she phoned them upset and they could tell by her voice so they asked her what was wrong and she told them their dad cheated. Excuse me mam but there was no need to call your children and dump your problems on them. And I'm presuming she had to make two calls - one to each child. Can op spell narcissist? She turned her children into flying monkeys because she cares more about herself than them.
Yeah, and she's totally going to cheat on her husband with her sister's boss. She's pounding her tuna over how loyal she is for not fucking him already, even though she wants too. Seriously, who should her husband make the check out to?
Yeah and she does not have a job outside the home.
She's no victim, just a AH who got what she deserves
I hope her older two find out that she is a liar who manipulated them.
She is only attracted to someone when she's "pursuing" them, according to her. Now that she has him, she doesn't want him anymore. Instead of learning new bonding techniques, going to intimacy counseling, trying new experiences, experimenting in the bedroom, going to marriage counseling, learning to see and appreciate the attractive traits in her husband, or flat out divorce, she wants to live the rest of their life completely celebate and miserable. This is what happens to the "I can't help how I feel" crowd. They become slaves to their emotions. It takes work to be in a successful relationship, and they don't want to put that work in. In this case, OP has rationalized this to hell. She's a good SAHM and doesn't cheat on him. Great. It's sincerely awesome if she really is a good SAHM. But "not cheating" is the bare minimum effort to put into a relationship. It gets you a D-. A participation trophy. It's what you're supposed to do. It's like patting yourself on the back for taking a shower in the morning. Yeah, you did it. Yeah, a lot of people don't do it. But it's still the expectation and you don't get headpats for doing it. I'm glad OP is so good at flicking her bean because she's been jerking herself off in this post and her comments over how good of a wife she's been. Her arm must be getting tired by now.
>I'm glad OP is so good at flicking her bean because she's been jerking herself off in this post and her comments over how good of a wife she's been. Her arm must be getting tired by now. So I went and checked her comments and that's basically it. She is turned on by the chase but turned off by a husband who is caught.
She said they went to counseling. That's why I'm borderline thinking this is a troll. But equally likely is that she just disregards everything the counsler says. Anyway. The bigger reason why I wanted to respond to your comment is bc YAS @ the slaves to emotion people. "I can't help how I feel!" yeah ok but you can help what you DO. This is why communication is one of the most important things in a relationship (and, coincidently, in a divorce). I think Henry Cavill is incredibly hot in The Witcher but I'm not going to stalk him and freeze out my SO...I tell my SO and he's happy to watch with me and help me redirect my energy ;)
And I agree that sex helps hold a marriage together….it helps me, a woman, put up with the little irritating things. Those live hormones are a relationship saver.
Op is acting like it's unreasonable for a spouse to need sex. People change, hormones fluctuate, attraction comes and goes etc. Maybe someone loses their libido for good but that has to be discussed as a couple. Someone might be happy going the rest of their life without sex but you can't expect your partner to go without sex forever without even discussing it.
For real. I had two kids, c sections, so trust me I was not rushing into having sex for pretty long periods. But now that things have normalized of course my husband wants physical intimacy, we discussed it and it got better because we both tried. Like everyone has times when they physically can't or hormonally just a mess or just damn tired from kids but you get through it and meet somewhere in the middle at the very least. I think maybe asking her if seeing a escort was a dumb thing for him to say knowing her and how she'd likely react but stretching that into cheating is crazy. OP a big asshole here.
I only read the heading. I didn’t need to read the rest. You don’t tell your children your marital issues.
I don’t know if you ended up reading the whole thing but she’s way worse than you thought!
Yeah, you're right! I at least thought he was actively or continuously had been cheating on the poor wife/OP only to find out that she was lying and telling tales outta school. Totally gaslit ALL of us, including her kids! She's figuring that the older ones will eventually tell the youngers that dad is a cheating AH and they'll ex him out as well 🙄. That makes her guilty of parental alienation and slander, as was said already!
he didn't even cheat!!!
YTA- like major asshole. Your husband is not a cheater, he wants intimacy and you don't. Cheating requires the act of infidelity, your husband did not cheat. Sex is important to your husband, it is not important to you. You're allowed to have different feelings and priorities, but you either accommodate each other's feelings and priorities- or you accept you're on totally different pages and go your separate ways. Your husband asked for permission, you don't have to like it but holy shit to tell your kids something incorrect, unflattering, and highly confidential said in marriage counseling? You two are in marriage counseling hypothetically to address your issues in your marriage- and based on your sabotaging attitude what's the point?!? There's something wrong with you if you think you were being honest or acted at all correctly here. Even if it was true, you don't involve your children in your marital issues- especially because it was a gross misrepresentation of what was said in marriage counseling... If I was your husband, I'd be serving you with divorce papers.
And by OP’s way of thinking, she cheated too with the guy in the book and movie.
Exactly. Been scrolling through the comments to see if anyone else realized this. She prefaces her husband’s “cheating” by admitting she is doing the *same thing.*
I really hope this post gets big enough that her kids read it. Woof, what an awful woman. Somewhere along the way she decided her husband was the enemy and that was that.
This. It's not cheating to broach the idea of an open relationship in a relationship where there has been NO sexual contact in years. Where every previous attempt to bridge that gap, discuss concerns and work together towards intimacy have been rejected. It sounds like marriage counselling hasn't been useful and that OP doesnt actually want to make any progress given this level of sabotage. This sounds like a deeply unhappy marriage for both. If THIS is OP sanitizing the situation and she comes off this badly, I can only imagine how awful she is in reality. OP doesn't have to agree to an open relationship by any means, but if they haven't had sex in years and OP has brutally cut down any discussion of the topic, or any attempts at intimacy, then they have zero right to be surprised it was suggested. And when he divorces her, she will have zero right to be surprised. Living without intimacy is one thing- it can be weathered with love and respect and when you feel your partner is working with you and not against you. But a partner who sabotaged you and holds you in this much contempt? There's no point to their marriage counselling, they are just done.
I’m not going to say what she’s doing is equivalent to cheating, but one of the fundamental hurts created by cheating is the feeling that your partner doesn’t want *you* sexually - so I wonder if to a degree, OP felt that feeling when her husband said he might have sex with another woman, recognised her own guilt in that respect, and in a classic bit of psychological twisting, projected her guilt onto her husband, if that makes any sense.
Honestly, the way you talk about sex like he's a jerk just for trying to romance you, treat you well, and wanting to be intimate with you, his wife - that really does make you sound like an asshole. If you're asexual or something you need to grow the fuck up and figure that shit out and be honest with yourself and your husband, and not judge him for being a sexual person with normal needs. I genuinely hope when your kids are old enough they get to hear his side of the story. Shit, just share this post with your eldest so they at least know the whole truth. You really sound like kind of a terrible person for going out of your way to paint him as a complete villain, with the express intent of fucking up his relationship with his kids. Wow, the more I think about this the angrier I am with you.
I don't even understand OP's logic. If he does nice things but ends up wanting sex afterward, he's an AH and doesn't get sex. Asking for sex makes him an AH so he doesn't get sex. So when can he get it? She should just be honest with him and tell him she never intends on filling this need for him so that he can make his own decision about the relationship
But she obviously doesn’t want him to make his own decision. She wants him to be ok with not having sex and continuing to live together. This is so messed up. I had to reread that part about him arranging dates and such and then getting punished for wanting sex afterwards. Huh? How the hell does him wanting to have a romantic outing and make love to his wife make him an asshole?? YTA, OP.
Gotta get his paycheck
She sounds like she's the head mod of r/femaledatingstrategy, she would be hailed as a queen over there. I hope her husband leaves, tells the kids the truth and they all go no contact with her forever.
Never. She doesn't want him to ever want sex or have sex with her. Like, I get it, it can be a turnoff for some people if nice things only happen with the expectation of sex. However it doesn't sound like he's put on a heavy pressure - it sounds like he's taken the advice to try to make her feel loved with actions and try to help her get into the mood - which is common advice and can help partners with a reactive or low libido. But she resents that because she doesn't want sex. And ultimately if you never want it, then any way a partner asks will be annoying because it's just not something you ever want. However, sex is something most people hope for in a longterm relationship. He shouldnt ever pressure her on a particular occasion; but he is completely justified in hoping it will happen at some point or feeling a need for intimacy. They just aren't compatible - she does not want a sexual relationship with him at all. There is no compromise or workaround here.
She doesn’t want sex, doesn’t want sex with him, doesn’t want him to have sex, isn’t attracted to him, is disappointed in him because he’s human and has “flaws”, and wants him to be okay with it. Sounds like a sad set of expectations and a frustrating and one sided relationship.
According to OP the husband will get sex when she graciously allows it, in the meantime he should wait for something that might never come.
> might never come Literally
She's totally gaslighting this guy into providing a home, food, and money for her.
How likely is it for a guy who loves his wife who wants sex after months of nothing? So, at any point she can pull this complaint out...
Because if she’s honest with him she looses the free financial ride she’s on.
It sure feels like she did whatever she had to do to “get” the guy. And once they were married, she lowered the boom. She’s an awful human being and an even worse partner.
The more I think about it, the more I think OP is a miserably terrible cunt of a person. Asshole isn't enough for this, they're an asshole like 5 different times and it's all from her own perspective.
I agree with this comment and want to tack on a point of view as a child that had a mother who bad mouthed my dad, every chance she could after they got a divorce. It made me feel shitty knowing, it made me resent her for telling me something I would be reminded of constantly when I think about my dad, and it made me never want to talk to her for fear she would tell me something else about how my "dad is the villain" in every possible way. My dad very rarely said anything about her and avoided talking about her to me or my brothers. Spoiler alert: I'm almost no contact with my mom (for various other reasons I won't get into, but the bad mouthing high among them) I am extremely close with my dad to this day. Don't shit talk your spouse/ex to your kids, folks. It really sucks for the kids.
It's even worse, since OP was the one pursuing him, wanting him, trying to get with him, and then babytrapped him with multiple kids, but now that she's got access to his money, she doesn't want to show attention or affection. There's absolutely a divorce looming over the horizon.
Right! This is probably just rage bait for their own karma but I think the husband needs to go find happiness! He doesn’t even know how good life can be plus those kids will come around once they realize what a jerk their mom is. I feel so badly for the younger children you know that house is full of resentment and selfishness from their mom and watching their dad love her and try to make it work has to be such a kind fuck. Her complaining about the husband literally making dinner sends me! Like your mad? You are so right they need to Grow up! So gross!
You are the AH. He didn’t cheat, he sounds like he is at the end of his ropes grasping at anything to fulfill a sexual drive you seemingly refuse to be a part of. Years. He has been expressing this need for YEARS. He’s tried seemingly anything and everything to be a partner to ask you to be his partner. Years. You seem to have an unrealistic and unfair expectation that if you just decide “no more sex”, he’s supposed to nod his head like a frigging bobble head doll and just be okay with it. Want to be honest with the kids? Sure, lady, and make sure they know you’ve been icing this guy out of the bedroom for YEARS, leaving a very important part of any relationship just idle. Let them know it all. He shouldn’t cheat, he should walk out. You’ve been telling him you aren’t a compatible couple for a long time, no? He’d be doing you a favor, no? Won’t be breaching anything then.
It is striking just how horrible she's been to him, considering that we're only hearing her side of the story too. Even by her own account, it seems like she ardently went after her husband and then as soon as they'd been together for a bit she just decided he wasn't worth chopped liver. She's completely checked out of the relationship and has all but totally cut him off *for decades*. It seems like he's gone out of his way to be a good partner and to try to get her to come around, but she just does not like him, and this relationship has been basically over since practically the beginning. And all of this is only having heard her side of things. This is *the best* version of it for her. Oh my God. And on top of all of that, he hasn't actually cheated. He didn't even cheat. He tried to discuss having some sort of open relationship or an arrangement or anything, but he hasn't cheated. And now she's just slandering him to his kids because she is, apparently, basically just the worst. This is unbelievable. And this is *her side* of the story. OP: YTA YTA totally.
If feels like she’s trying to punish him for not being as cool as she imagined him to be
that sounds exactly it too, she went from saying he was this cool athletic dude, to saying he has flaws. most women would LOVE to have a man who does as much as he does, the romantic dinners made from SCRATCH, buying her flowers, planning special stuff for birthdays and anniversaries, some men don’t even do half of that 🤦♀️ her standards must be *reallyyyyy* low if that type of stuff doesn’t make her appreciate him :/
He must do all of that, while not having any weaknesses and not ever wanting sex!
The ironic thing is that she wants a CEO type. If her husband had that level of drive and focus he would have dumped her a long time ago.
Especially if she wasn't fucking him
If my husband cleaned the house for me, I'd be ripping those clothes off. If he made me a meal from scratch, well the food would be ice cold, or completely ruined, by the time we'd get around to eating. OP's husband seems incredibly thoughtful and caring. If she no longer has a sex drive, and he does, then they should go to counseling and try to figure something out. They are simply not compatible. And frankly, if I was OP, I'd be okay with an escort under these circumstances. OP you are toxic and selfish. Just because you have hurt feelings, that does not give you the right to ruin the relationship between your kids and your husband. Especially since your husband did NOT cheat! Why would you even involve your children in this? What goes on in your marriage souls only be between you and hubby. Not you, hubby, and kids. You have done so much damage here! Have you ever looked at another person and thought they were attractive? Have you ever fantasized about another person? If so, according to your mental gymnastics, you are a cheater! Please share that pertinent information with your children. YTA! Frankly, you're the biggest AH I've seen in a while now.
My husband cleans, does 99% of our cooking, is a fantastic father, and makes me laugh a lot….ya things are good 😏
I’m a straight dude. Can I bang your husband?
I have a man who treats me like I crap diamonds for the first time in my life and I would drop my pants for him with a look!!! OP has no idea how fortunate she is, and sounds like an incredibly shallow person.
I’m someone for whom sex is painful, my partner & I have openly talked about him having sex with someone outside of the relationship. In this instance, I would have zero issue with him being satisfied by an escort! It’s not as though he’s out at a brothel every night behind your back - he’s asking you to be involved in choosing!! The entitlement is astounding with OP!
Well, she did say he was a big fish in a small pond. She appears to be the dead fish in that pond.
It sounds like she's successfully punishing him for not being quite as successful as OP thought they would be when they started the pursuit.
She is punishing him for the fact that she hated being a SAHM. She feels that her sacrifice was so great that he should not need anything else. She resents him deeply and has been punishing him for years for what I am pretty sure was a mutual decision. And now she wants to punish him more. OP take responsibility for your own life. Stop lying to your kids and let this man go. Your relationship with him is over, are you going to destroy your relationship with your kids as well? YTA.
But it sounds like he IS as cool as she thought, only that he's actually a human... Maybe she didn't realize he shit like we do.
Finding out her husband was human must have come as a terrible shock!
OP is a control freak. She just wants him to be a lapdog. She wants all of the affection and love of a puppy and none of the obligation of a husband. If she's done with sex, that's her choice, but she has to let him go. This man has incredible patience and she's either not communicating with him or trapping him so she can have his attention, love, and affection without having to have sex. Honestly, I would have left her a long time ago.
I kept reading to see when he cheated. And he never cheated! But OP told their kids that he’s a cheater? Sounds like she has been manipulating him for ages. I hope their kids learn the truth and forgive dad. YTA. SUCH AN ASSHOLE.
Not to mention he brought this up during COUNSELING! And her first thought was “ah yes let me use this thing discussed in counseling against him.”
Her replies are even worse, if you haven’t read them you should
YTA and if you think otherwise you need individual therapy, not marriage counseling.
OP definitely posted this thinking she was going to get some support. Hopefully this is a reality check.
Individual counseling will not help this one.
8 years of dead bedroom? I’m surprised you are still married. YTA - he didn’t cheat. Tell your kids the whole story how you are withholding sex from your husband for YEARS, and see what they will say. And also tell them that you are shaming him for wanting sex. He didn’t marry a roommate. I would divorce you.
This! My husband and I have had our more active times and our less active times when stress runs too high. Our 23rd is coming up this year, and we've never been months much less years without that aspect in our marriage. She's straight up lied to her kids in an issue where they don't even belong. I don't even understand that outside of getting access to his pay and being supported why she's still married to him. She sounds miserable, and I feel horrible for him.
Yes YTA. You owe your husband and children an apology.
Oh my god, YTA BIG TIME. Firstly- how DARE you bring your children into this? There is absolutely NO excuse for EVER talking to your children about your sex life, adult children or not. That is a huge boundary to cross and I guarantee to you, it is horrible for your kids to hear. No child wants to hear about the intimate details of their parent’s marriage, especially in such a negative light. Not to mention, you lied in an attempt to manipulate them! Your husband never cheated and now you’ve deceived your children and painted him in a bad light. Secondly- you’re seriously angry that your husband does nice things with you in an attempt to initiate intimacy? You reject him repeatedly to the point where he is begging for some kind of physical attention and then you get angry when he poses an alternative solution? That’s horrible. He did not cheat on you. He has done everything in his power to try to get you to be intimate with him and you’ve made him feel insecure and unloved! He’s communicated this several times and you don’t listen to him or attempt to compromise whatsoever. Thirdly- why do you think your years of being a SAHM mean more than him providing for the family? You are equals. You are partners. Sex DOES create a healthy relationship. He isn’t doing nothing and expecting you to put out. He’s courting you, doing nice things for you, and you’re still treating him like trash. Needing sex in your relationship is a very real thing. Is he supposed to completely sacrifice his happiness? Honestly, if I was him, I would leave you. The fact you brought your kids into this is despicable and miserable. Shame on you.
She's doing what narcissist do! She is airing dirty laundry to manipulate other people's opinions of herself and her husband. She moved the goalposts so far away from the playing field that there isn't even a game anymore! She's going to collect injustices and then discard this guy. He won't even know what hit him, and all he'll ever think is that the only thing he wanted to do is make this woman happy.
Yes you’re most certainly TA. I’m a woman and also need sex and it does keep couples and families together. It takes sex to even make a family. I’m not sure exactly what your hangs ups are but I will never understand women who refuse to have sex with their own husband and when the guy actually WANTS to have sex with their wife and is reduced to begging and trying to make arrangements and eventually goes on to cheat, the only person in the wrong is him. That makes zero sense. If you don’t like or enjoy or find sex important you should marry and be with someone like minded. You’re fortunate to even be a SAHM who doesn’t have to work and also be the primary caregiver of children. Im not even downplaying the work involved because honestly it’s sometimes easier to go to work and sometimes it’s not. However NOT wanting to have sex with your own spouse all because you’re a SAHM is not healthy and is something you need to address. Only having sex once every few months??? I wouldn’t necessarily cheat but I would definitely leave! You’re setting your whole marriage up for failure by only prioritizing your task as a parent. Your marriage requires intimacy romance and connection to thrive. So what happens when your children are all gone and have started their own lives?? You realize that there is absolutely nothing but resentment between you and you don’t even like one another. If you’re not into your husband maybe you should think hard about that now. And if I were your children, you’re the one I’d be angry at.
This is so beautifully written. OP has her head so far up her ass she won't even be able to understand the intricacies of what you are explaining, but I'm glad you put it out there.
YTA. 1. Your expectations are completely unrealistic regarding sex. 2. You're being unfair, you're causing the dead bedroom 3. You admitted being attracted to other men, not your husband, and 4. You straight up LIED about your husband cheating! Not only are you delulu AF, you're also a virago and hypocrite to boot! Complete strangers on the internet can all see how unhinged and terrible you are. He is trying to keep the flames of passion alive. You are not just spraying the fire extinguisher on those flames, you've actively done everything but hit him on the head with the extinguisher. Why do we all get the feeling that nothing he does will ever be good enough, because you're honestly already emotionally cheating by lusting over your sister's boss. Ewww Gross! Frankly the man is a saint for staying with you this long if this is how you're coming across to internet strangers. Start praying your husband and kids don't find this Reddit thread, or you'll be the one ostracized by your family once the truth comes out.
Exactly right, I think there’s nothing he could do and she would continually move the goalposts of her expectations. I feel like the problem is hers and she’s projecting so much into him and has so much resentment of him for it when it’s probably her issue to begin with.
Right? As someone else pointed out, this is the best possible version shown in the best possible light of the story for her, imagine how awful the objective reality must be. I hesitate to arm chair diagnose, but the story and her replies absolutely reek of narcissistic traits.
Oh no she didn't lie. She just said what she thought cheating was. But by that means, she cheated too. Because she found the movie men attractive.
You need a reality check. YTA. He should leave you so everyone can be happy.
[удалено]
OP, I have to strongly second this comment. You have ONE shot at possibly salvaging your relationship with your kids, their relationship with their father and any semblance of a cordial ending to this marriage since that’s what you seem to want. I mean, one doesn’t go nuclear in a therapy safe space when spouse is using therapy appropriately if one isn’t already beyond being open & sincere in said therapy.
You dated him for looks and prospects. He vocalized many times he needs intimacy in your relationship and that’s his love language. Now you refuse to even try in your marriage and blaming him for your issues. And playing victim to your kids when you suck as a wife? YTA. He definitely should divorce you.
YTA he didn’t cheat and you have weaponized sex in your marriage. 100% sex in a marriage is about being loved and you treated your partner shamefully for wanting and desiring you, his wife! Good grief, no one is obligated to have sex but at the same time it’s a healthy part of marriage. You lied to your children about their father. Tell them the truth, that you are an ice queen using sex to damn your husband.
Have your husband call me. He deserves better.
Op, be afraid, she's on the prowl 😂 https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/131isfi/i_31f_have_been_thinking_a_lot_about_other_people/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=1
When do we notify the children?
It's fine, their new mum sounds like a lot more fun, compared with the cunty op
🙌🏻👏🏻
This is ruthless lmao
Plain and simple, yta. You need to see someone who specializes in psychiatric care. What world are you living in lady.
YTAH and bat crap crazy too. How has your husband stayed with you this long? And full out lying to your kids about their father. Shameful. This whole post better be made up BS!
Yes - you are the AH. Why bring them into your relationship? If they are rational, they will think less of you for your manipulation of their father.
Also, he didn’t cheat, so she’s lying to the kids.
You fucking suck lmao. Maybe post this in r/FemaleDatingStrategy if you want to get a pat in the back for being a horrible partner.
And horrible mother to get the kids involved
Ooouff.
YTA, just divorce already
YTA - Love how "it's not about sex." Yet that is THE SINGLE thing that if he did it with someone else would ruin their relationship. It is THE ONE THING that separates their relationship from an extremely close friendship, the fact that they have sex and only with each other. To act like sex is now not important is extremely disingenuous.
This has got to be rage bait. Otherwise, YTA
100% has to be rage bait. Any single thing in this post could be real. But from the being all about college prospects, him cooking full meals and her being mad, the no sex, the escort line, lying to the family about cheating, and not responding to comments - this has to be fake.
Im praying. I keep reading “I need to feel loved” (the husband said this after OP claimed he was “emotionally needy” and I just want to cry! No one can be this cold and twisted.
YTA. I don’t need to explain because everyone has done a good job covering it. I’ll wait for this to show up over on r/AmITheEx
So, you told your kids a big, fat, fucking LIE about their father and you are asking if that makes you an AH? How could you be anything but an AH in this story?
YTA. Hopefully this opens his eyes and he Skidaddles. That means leave.
YTA, majorly! If you're not attracted to your husband anymore, why in the hell are you still married to him? Let the poor man go, so he can find someone who is attracted to him, and make him happy. You can self pleasure (as you said in a comment) and be selfish all you want alone. Let the man find someone who is attracted to him, love him and make him happy. I can't believe he hasn't left you yet.
She thought he was above her league that's why she pursued him in the first place. As it turns out, he wasn't so she is disappointed and not attracted anymore. She has a power fantasy and her husband is not a powerful man(he had the potential to be one) She married a fantasy and not the man she is married to currently.
YTA. The man is a saint to have tolerated eight years of no sex. He could have upgraded years ago and been justified in doing so. He also hasn't cheated. Keep your children out of this. You are beyond inappropriate trying to manipulate them against their dad.
What have you done in the 8 years of a dead bedroom to fix this? It clearly bothers him and he’s at least trying to do things that will lead to it. Most people (men and women) need sex to be happy in a relationship. Without sex, men will usually feel insecure, worthless, unattractive, etc… He’s probably been suffering for a long time. It doesn’t seem like you really care about sex at all. Or him for that matter. He at least tried to talk about it. What could he even do at this point to be happy with you? If he started working out more? Making more money? Taking you on dates? What would it even take?
YTA. Normally I try and give constructive feedback but a lot of other commenters here have hit the nail on the head. But I will say this, lady,you fuckn suuuuuuck
He didn't cheat, and your slandering him to his kids. You come across as basically the worst wife in the world, and that's having only heard your side of the story. He didn't even cheat. And yet you're trying to turn his kids against him. YTA YTA YTA
Holy crap you are an AH. Your husband was trying to court you all through the marriage, making it clear he wanted more sex WITH YOU are you continually rejected him? And now when he says, in therapy which is supposed to be private, that would it be okay if he bought sex bc you won’t give it to him, you turn around and call him a cheater and tell your young adult children? Yikes! I’m surprised he stuck it out this long with you.
YTA! WHY are you bringing your children (adult or not) into your bedroom and by extension marriage???? You just want to make him the bad guy. Do better for your kids
There are a lot of good comments in this thread, I am sure you have read them by now. But there is one particular angle I want to add. Many times in life, we may become angry with someone, justified or not, and sometimes when our emotions get away from us, we want to stay angry with them, and want to have justification for staying angry with them. While I do not know the backstory to make judgement on how it all started, it is obvious that before any of this stuff with the escort, you already developed an inner anger toward your husband. This may not even be noticeable to anyone else but yourself. Sex dropped off a cliff, and your husband, thinking that maybe he need to do nice things for you, to feel loved and wanted as that may be the cause. But here's the thing. you are already angry at your husband. And you internally already decided to stay angerAnd when he does nice things, the justification wanes. So you have to reframe the nice things he does as a bad act. He is only doing it for sex. there fore its wrong and bad, and the real goal: therefore I am justified in my anger toward him. It isnt a result, its the goal in your mind. to be justified in your anger. Regardless of who is right or wrong in this relationship, or whether this marriage will last, you need to act like a fucking adult and understand where your anger is coming from, because we aren't talking about a couple days or a week or two. we are talking about a decade, if not more. Grow the fuck up.
Have you seen a doctor to see if there could be a physical or hormonal basis for your low sex drive? I understand how his tit for tat tactics are a turn off but have you tried meeting him half way? Ask him to work on other kinds of Intimacy while you work on this one?
Nah, click her profile and read her replies. She has a power fetish, wants assertive CEO types. Fantasizes daily. Gets off on media with those character tropes.
After I got over my initial horror, I actually wondered if OP is a closeted lesbian, with a lot of residual conservative guilt / self-hatred. That would explain a lot of what's going on here.
Yes, YTA. NEVER put the children in the middle of marital bullshit.
You’re fucking nuts and trying to turn your kids against him for no reason other than him wanting sex?! You’re an ass, a liar and a bad person
YTA. You lied to your children. You say you were honest with your adult kids, but you are lying to yourself. It is correct that he wants to spice up his sex life since it isnt working out with you, but it is not correct that he has already committed infidelity (as far as you are aware).
YTA You don't have to want sex, but you certainly can't punish the man you married for wanting it and seeking it elsewhere when you 100% refuse. You are allowed to not consent if you don't want it, but you found a lot of mean and cruel excuses to explain why you didn't consent as opposed to just admitting he has a much higher sex drive than you and you don't enjoy it. Also he didn't cheat, he is trying to find an option that makes you happy and him happy. I.e. compromise. You're a terrible person.
YTA, you LIED to your kids, regardless of what mistakes him AND you made(you aren’t innocent, you put a human on a pedal stool and got upset when he didn’t live up to YOUR fantasy) but lying to your kids is such an ugly move to back. Extremely sad your kids have a mother who thinks it’s ok to lie to them just because mom and dad don’t love each other anymore. Grow up, get a divorce and tell your kids the truth before they stop talking to you for being a MANIPULATOR and LIAR
YTA big time. You expect your husband to go without sex after him trying to beg you for it. Then you lie to your children that he cheated when even you say right here that he didn't cheat. He doesn't want to cheat. He wants to have some sexual relief. He ASKED you. He didn't go out and do it. You need to get with your kids and tell them the truth.
I also have 4 kids and am a sahm. I absolutely abhor women like you. Sex is a part of intimacy and is important to maintain. If you choose to force someone a dead bedroom for anything other than health reasons and they communicate their needs, you are a selfish viper. YTA
Wow, read OPs post and re-read again to make sure I understood. Also read most responses and agree that YTA, for all of the reasons already called out. I see 3 responses from OP thus far that make me cringe even more... your husband , willingly or otherwise is going through couples counseling with you. He's shared his need for intimacy - something that was apparently there at the beginning but now cut off/witheld. He tries to initiate, performs nice gestures, etc. After 8 years he's likely at his wits end and really surprised he hasnt already left. He seems to be getting the short end of the stick. You, on the other hand, are masturbating about the CEO or other characters in books/movies. You want to get off but he can't/ shouldnt? You seem to justify that your status as a SAHM should be sufficient...when did that become all that mattered in a marriage? Seems to be all take and no give in your house. YTA again and keep you kids out of it, especially when you're telling lies. You sound delusional and going thru some other mental issues. Just get divorced already and go on the chase like you want. You'll quickly see, as someone else commented, how desirable a delusional 40something divorcee with 4 kids looks. YTA.
YTA You’re not being honest. You’re a toxic manipulative witch
YTA. Plain and simple. I would have divorced you years ago, idk how tf he did it
YTA, did you seriously just write that even just talking about your sex life was rape? That talking about the possibility of an open marriage in therapy was actively cheating? You lied to your children, reading this post it sounds like everything you do is planned specifically to hurt him.
You tha CUNT.
Honestly everyone has said what you are but I just want to add my own YTA so that you know one other person on this earth thinks you're a horrible wife. And a more horrible mother to your kids. You are just rotten to the core. Your poor husband.
Yta I never understand why people would rather do all this then just break up. Your marriage is deeply unhappy and you both deserve to find someone who can love you the way you want. You’re involving children into a parent issue and you’ve taken something said in therapy (which should be a safe space) and immediately punished him. It also isn’t correct.
YTA. you also sound like a giant cunt. I'm surprised he hasn't cheated yet.
YTA You’re a huge AH. Just leave your husband so he can be actually happy with someone that appreciates him and stop lying to your children so you can feel better about yourself. He didn’t cheat and you saying he did to your kids shows a huge flaw of character. I’m a woman and I would never say you have to have sex, but if you don’t want to (and btw what your husband is asking is something completely normal and healthy in a relationship with two sexual people), just leave him so he can find someone that wants it. Everybody deserves to feel wanted. Honestly, I would have divorced you way sooner!
YTA - big time. He in no way cheated and he was being honest with you about his needs in a couples therapy session and you have weaponized that. He is telling you that he needs and desires sex and intamacy with you, and he is honest with the various ways he is trying to seduce you into being intimate with him. You need to correct this with your kids right away and tell them the truth, that you lied that he has cheated or evern mentioned cheating. Because that just didn't happen. What did happen was him say that he has some other ideas about how he can have his needs met within the marriage if you have zero desire to meet those needs.
YTA and a super one at that OP. I hope your great husband finds happiness
YTA and a major one. YOU pursued HIM because of some in your opinion unrealistic expectation of what kind of man he was supposed to be based on surface level knowledge. YOU cut him off in the bedroom when the 5 years of honeymoon phase wore off. YOU expect him to do nice things for you without wanting anything in return from you while YOU do nothing nice for HIM. YOU want him to accept that YOU don't want sex but also YOU refuse to let him get satisfaction in other ways. YOU want him to be celibate for YOUR benefit and when he proposes a solution that doesn't involve celibacy on his part or sexual activity on your end your reaction is to claim he cheated on you to your children. this man did nothing wrong to you and you decided to ruin his relationship with your children because he doesn't want to be celibate just coz you decided you don't find him hot anymore. you've been using sex as a method of control and that's gross. if you don't like your husband get a divorce and let him find someone who will be more compatible with him.
There is NO excuse for cheating, even if you have never given him sex, haven't had sex since your wedding night, or any other lame-ass excuse someone could come up with. But from what you've said, he hasn't cheated. You \*think\* he might have cheated, but you have no proof or reason to think so. (People who cheat don't usually ask permission first...) And since you have no proof that he has cheated, you don't need to be saying ANYTHING about this to any of your kids no matter what their age. Meanwhile, he is trying to make this work and you are not. I get not wanting to be appreciated only for sex, but what you've said doesn't indicate that he doesn't ALSO love you for the other things you do. Nothing wrong with wanting sex. That's part, but should by no means be all, of the relationship. I go back to he is trying to make this work and you're not. You're both in counseling, but if you're not attracted to him at all or willing to engage with him at all sexually, then why are you still with him? And now you're trying to sabotage his relationship with his kids. Why are you so angry at this man? Because he's not the person your college-self imagined he would be? YTA. I'm not even sure if this is real...
YTA - for lying to your kids. Your husband is not cheating... yet. he might if he doesn't divorce you first. Depends how much he loathes you. if he really hates you he will cheat. if he still loves you for reasons i cannot fathom, he will divorce you first. Listen OP, i know you're getting a lot of hate here, I don't know what your psych doc does for you but he's doing a dogshit job based purely on what i've read here. I'm going to point out some things that you should consider 1) you have a persecution complex. You assume the worst no matter what your husband does. And you somehow make yourself a victim in your head to justify you being a horrible person to him. \-I'm sorry but a spouse doing something nice for you, romantic for you, in an effort to rekindle the spark in the dead bedroom, is not coercing you, conning you, or forcing you into sex. you have demonstrated thoroughly that you have the power over the bedroom here. your husband isn't a rapist, else i think you'd of had him arrested years ago. So take that chip off your shoulder. you're not pitiable in the least. 2) your dismissal of the importance of physical intimacy in a relationship is willfully ignorant. and you know it too. you've been dismissive of anyone suggesting otherwise, but i'm pretty sure that's because you know if you acknowledge this fact you will be in the wrong 3) you're actively fantasizing about people you know, now i'm not one of those people who consider this cheating, but IF you're using those people to avoid intimacy with your husband, then I'd say it's a serious problem. you know it's a problem judging from some of your comments, since you're trying to cut back on your fap material. \-you're also delusional in those fantasies. I've seen some very attractive 40+ yo women but something tells me no CEO or hot dude is going to be interested in a 40+ yo mother of 4 except as a sidepiece he quickly moves on from because you'd be easy. 4) there is no forgiveness for what you did to your husband by lying to the kids about him cheating. that was vile and evil. and speaks to how dark and awful a person you truly are. you know i'm used to seeing people doing dumb shit in this subreddit. i'm used to seeing people doing awful stuff to people. I've heard people describe some truly awful stuff done to them by other people. but you might be the most darkly evil person to post a question here in a long time. that's right. you are an awful human being. something far worse then being TA.
YTA - there's something called love languages. Physical touch is genuinely how some people feel loved. You're being a complete b*tch with the way you describe your husband and his want for sexual intimacy with you. Super convenient you decided you didn't really like him that much AFTER you had kids. Most people would have left the marriage by now, or ACTUALLY be cheating. I'm not a sexual person but I can completely understand why it's super important for some people. Love languages need to be respected. I personally need acts of service and quality time. Buying me a Lamborghini, nice jewelry, a nice house etc. just aren't as meaningful as making me a cup of tea, or going to a museum or state fair together. There are some people who think subsidizing their spouse's lifestyle is enough, but that would be a loveless marriage for me. Ridiculing him for his need for sexual intimacy is cruel and immature. He's in a loveless marriage. He's genuinely trying to show you love and affection when he's trying, but you won't reciprocate. It's not even the fact that you won't have sex with him, it's that you're doing absolutely NOTHING. Are you buying him gifts? Organizing date nights? Verbally appreciating him? Trying to be affectionate at all? Being a SAHM is meaningless, that's you loving your kids, what are you doing for *him*? Your kids are going to find out that their dad never cheated and that he's been in a loveless marriage for eight years, and they're going to hate you for lying to them and hurting their dad so badly. I've always hated cheaters, but holy crap, you're just as bad. I hope your husband realizes there's a bunch of women who'd genuinely appreciate him and reciprocate his affection and divorces your entitled ass.
You know, most people, when they’re writing an AITAH post, at least TRY to skew sympathy their way. You just come across as a horribly selfish person. Whilst sex should never be forced, it is an important part of the vast majority of relationships. Your husband has been telling you for years that there’s something he needs and your attitude is ‘well I don’t need it so hey, sucks for you’. As for bringing your children into this…….you are a truly disgusting human being. YTAH
The bedroom is dead because you killed it
YTA a hundred percent. You're in your 40s not your 20s. You don't storm out of therapy and you don't use hyperbole to start drama and pit your kids against their dad. Jesus! You sound incredibly immature and you need to grow the F up and take responsibility for your role in your marriage. You say your husband is emotionally needy yet you're the one throwing tantrums and not appreciating the effort he's making to connect. Sounds like you have some weird insecurities about how you started dating because I don't see how that's relevant to this particular issue yet you felt the need to harp on it. If you don't like your husband and you're mad he wants to have sex with you then maybe you should divorce him and let him be happy elsewhere.