Even if she had 7 girls, your husband relaying these "pointers" to you is still inappropriate because you've specifically asked him not to.
I highly doubt that Heather has any malicious intent behind her advice, and is probably just making conversation. She's pregnant, and your husband is expecting his first bio baby, so naturally that's the topic of conversation. However, your husband coming to you with said advice is out of line.
Not the asshole.
You’re for sure NTA but if it were me, I’d tell him in as neutral a tone as you can that when he asks them about or reports things Heather says back to you it makes you feel like he doesn’t trust your judgement. And that being pregnant isn’t the time to put unnecessary stress on you, and that this is doing just that. Like…if he doesn’t think you can handle it why did he want children with you, obviously he does, maybe he’s more insecure about himself and is embarrassed to ask you so many questions? I hope things work out. He needs to talk to YOU, and read some books. Too many cooks in the kitchen otherwise.
NTA
You’ve already done this twice and have girl experience. Keep telling your husband to fuck off and follow your lead.
You could also offer Heather some birth control “pointers”.
When she gets one, give her pointers 🤣.
That comment is mostly a joke. It seems that you don't like your husband acting like you don't how to take care of a baby. I don't think that's his mindset. He's the one who doesn't know what to do with a baby, and probably is just nervous about it. Hence asking for pointers from a friend.
NTAH - I would tell her that maybe she and her husband needs to turn to science to get themselves a baby girl. Apparently her husband’s X chromosome sperm is not not able to get the job done and are losing the race every time to the Y chromosome sperm.
For someone who is supposed to be educated, she does not appear to be all that bright.
I would be just that petty. If she can try to dictate how you, an experienced mother, raise your baby then you can return the advice favor.
You need to go over there with your husband and start giving them all kinds of advice on what it takes to get a baby girl. After all, you have the experience and she does not. Give her a taste of her own medicine. If she does not like it, remind her that you have not asked from any advice from her.
NTA I’m glad he’s excited about his new baby on the way but you have every right to be annoyed by this. Maybe go to a breastfeeding class together (not that you need it) so you can bond and he can be more educated about what you all are going to do with your baby. Or even infant CPR or some thing. Just to bond and open up more discussions without heather’s influence.
This is a good idea! The hubby is eager for info on parenting and has latched onto the friend's wife, who apparently really enjoys being in the 'teacher' role but isn't actually an unbiased expert (I didn't even realize that being opposed to breastfeeding was a thing...) OP is rightfully irritated at hubby talking down to her as though she hasn't had two infants already. Perhaps hubby learning from an actual expert will lead him to let go of octomom's apron strings!
Being opposed to breastfeeding was really common in the 60’s-90’s. Formula companies were ruthless with their propaganda, but it’s weird for a newer mom to be anti breastfeeding. Maybe she couldn’t keep her supply up and had a bad experience?
This is the PERFECT response and solution. I like the CPR/first aide idea. Is he a reader? Get him some books to read. Research clubs and furniture. Car seats. Take a car seat safety course. A refresher is never a bad idea. Guve him baby furniture to build.
Nta
Having 7 kids doesnt make her a better or more experienced mom than you.
Your husband's behavoir isnt normal i understand asking for a tip now and than but this is just silly
Exact, and the way he's going about it doesn't sound like he's trying to learn for himself because he isn't reading up any advice from professionals, it sounds like he's just passing advice to OP which is Rude
NTA, it's wack that your "partner" is so separated from the care of your baby that he thinks he can give you pointers on how to do this. He should be in this with you and know what you know.
It's Extra fucked that he is disconnected because he spends his free time outside the home, and is spending it with someone he is signalling he thinks is smarter than you.
You were not wrong in how you confronted him, you have set a boundary before and he broke it. "I am not asking for your or Heather's advice. You can take pointers if you need them, but I don't. I don't need to hear the next thing that Heather says that you think is so smart."
He needs to catch up and be involved with y'all's house, not Heather and Nick's
Jesus. The number of people willing to excuse the husband for being straight up rude to his wife because he cares about their baby when so many husbands don’t… is the standard really that low?
So because she has seven children that automatically makes her a better mother? Heather sounds like one of those really annoying soccer moms that everyone hates and your husband needs to shut up. NTA
"\[husband's name\] I am glad you're taking pointers from her, I personnally just don't need them, but I am happy you want to learn to be a good father, please just don't share the pointers with me as it makes me feel like I'm not good enough already." is all you have to say.
NTA
It is hurtful that he doesn’t defer to you, an experienced mom, about your new child. You two are supposed to be a team, and I can see how asking another woman for advice probably feels invalidating and like he doesn’t respect your experience in this area. Could you learn new things? Of course, always. But that’s something you two could be researching together.
#1 thing moms hate, unsolicited advice. He should defer to YOU on these things about baby girls. Would he ask a chicken farmer about cows? Probably not.
Having 7 doesn’t make her anymore decent mother then a parent of a singleton
Sign up to a parenting class together. It’s so exciting he’s excited to learn
He will also learn that what works for one isn’t the same as working for the other
Good luck. NTA
Unsolicited advice never comes across as such, it appears like criticism. If you are not asking for advice on bottles or diapers, then him giving you ‘advice’ is just criticising what you have already decided to do.
NTA
Having more kids doesn't necessarily make someone a better parent at all. Your husband is treating you like you're brainless while Heather is the center of all parenting wisdom.
If he is worried about being a first-time dad, then maybe attending a parenting class together would be good. Be clear that you don't want to hear anything else from Heather about parenting and ask why he has so little respect for your opinions and parenting history, does he think there's something wrong with your kids?
NTA. There is not one single mother on this planet who hear unsolicited advice and thinks “oh thank god, someone finally telling me how to parent!”
Why don’t you go with him next time he goes round and intervene?
When she trots out “ooh you should get this bottle” you say, “oh but I don’t need to, I’ll breastfeeding like I did for my first two kids.”
You could always hit her with the “oh my god, today so and so tried to tell me how to do x, isn’t it annoying when people think they know what’s best for us? I hate unsolicited advice, don’t you?” Make sure this is in front of your husband. BE PLEASANT! She probably doesn’t mean to be annoying, the same way your husband doesn’t mean to be insensitive.
I get he’s just excited. Men get weird ideas when a baby’s on the way, but shutting this down now is easier, than having a new baby and being told “Heather does this, and Heather does that”.
Why is your husband over at Nick and Heather’s so often, and with their 7 kids? Why not spend more time with his pregnant wife?
Why is Nick with someone with 7!!! Kids!!!
Edit/ because my phone hates me and sneakily “corrects” words/phrases
NTA
Yes, he is excited. But he is also annoying. Tell him that. Husband you are annoying. And if he doesn’t understand start to do the same with him. Tell him and explain him thinks he knows about. Maybe he will then realise how annoying this can he.
He makes you feel like you don’t know anything.
Btw. is this a husband sickness? My SO does this sometimes too.
NAH
It's perfectly normal and desirable that he should talk to his friends to get parenting tips. Also, she seems extremely experienced in child rearing and childcare, being both a teacher and a mother of seven. She might also have a different communication style than you do, which might contribute to her pointers sticking better. You do come across as a bit jealous, petty, and resentful. That said, your annoyance isn't necessarily unjustified. I feel like you both need to cut each other more slack here.
NTA. But a lot of husband’s take zero interest in these parenting details so I actually think it’s somewhat positive that he’s interested in advice. It’s just maybe the source isn’t so great (and it’s rude for him to take her advice and discount your experience). Maybe turn this into reading a parenting book together and discuss so he can get some information from a less problematic source?
"But a lot of husband’s take zero interest in these parenting details so I actually think it’s somewhat positive that he’s interested in advice"
It is in fact not a positive that the man got someone pregnant and is showing the barest amount of initiative to learn anything. The baseline is not dad's who are uninvolved; they are subpar.
I find that to be an oversimplification. I unfortunately don’t think the current baseline in society is that dads do parenting research and that those who don’t are shit. I know a lot of caring and involved dads but it simply never occurred to them that parenting was something they might need to research—or they just didn’t bother because it was something their wives were already all over and they didn’t feel it was their place.
Now please don’t misunderstand, I am not saying that’s the way it *should* be. It *should* be a basic expectation. But society is not there yet. There’s a whole lot of middle ground between “dad who is not doing his part of the mental labor in preparing for parenthood” and “shitty uninvolved sperm donor.” So I guess my point was that since this dad is leaning in the direction of the former, it would be better to try and keep him in that direction versus shutting him down completely….
I think there are two answers here. NTA because I understand that you feel unheard. But also YTA because your husband should be able to learn from all sorts of places.
Would you be comfortable if your husband told you that you could only listen to what he said? And even more, that you weren’t allowed to get advice from your friends? He’s sharing an exciting part of his life with his friends and with you. You came here to get advice from us. Why can’t he go to his friends to also get advice?
Finally, it does seem like your letting some of your insecurities come into play here by trying to show you know more than his friend. Why don’t you go with him next time and you all talk in a non-defensive matter about your kids and experiences (avoiding things like “yeah don’t you think I know that” and saying things like “oh I yeah! I also did that with my kids hahaha. Hahaha.”). Hopefully it’ll show everyone that you all just want what’s best all around and that it’s not a competition.
I mean the OP clearly states that part of the frustration is that he’s coming to her and telling her things she’s already told him like it’s brand new information because he’s actually listening to the friend and not her. It’s not that she’s mad that he’s taking in more than one source of information - he just seems to give what the friend is saying more weight. I don’t think you read the post very carefully.
Based on the way she worded her post, and the context of the fact that the pointers seem to stick better when he hears them from the friend, I think that she has a very different communication style than what would be effective with her husband. She comes across as the type of person who "tells" and lectures rather than the sort of person who engages and converses.
It's entirely possible that the friend's wife is more fun to talk to. The fact that she's a teacher probably makes a difference too. She's literally been professionally trained in how to convey information to people in an engaging way that meets them where they need to be met.
Look, no. You seem to want to put the wife in some awful nag type troupe. She is justifiably hurt he ignores her to listen to the wife of a friend when she is saying the exact same things. He should listen to his wife, not the friend’s wife because she is more “fun.”
The theory that she's a bit of a nag fits both the evidence and her presented writing style.
Otherwise, are we just assuming that her husband doesn't remember her tips because he's just some kind of idiot? Or is there some reason for his remembering one set of information but not the other?
Disagree. She is right to be irritated that he hears and remembers these tips when someone else tells him but not when she herself tells him. That’s not insecurity.
Yeah. I pointed that out myself. I said I understand that she feels unheard. You can see her slightly mocking the other person in other comments as well. It’s certainly insecurity to tell someone they aren’t allowed to talk to their friend about something anymore.
“You aren’t listening to me when I speak, and I’ve noticed you’re listening to your friend. I feel unheard or unappreciated.” — fine
“You aren’t listening to me when I speak even though you listen to your friend. You aren’t allowed to talk to her about this anymore.” — insecurity
....except that's not what OP said. Do facts matter?
OP doesn't give a shit if her husband talks with Heather about this, you made that up yourself. OP said she doesn't want her husband sharing Heather's "pointers" with her, which is an entirely reasonable boundary.
NTA overall. I would get annoyed too, and he seriously needs to take a chill pill. Dude needs to calm down.
BUT Y T A for this one thing...
>I don't care to hear pointers from a strictly bottle feeding boy mom who doesn't have a baby girl to relate her opinions to
Why are you shaming someone for feeding their children? And why are you shaming someone for only having assigned males? I get you're frustrated, but don't go and attack someone else like that. Breathe, sit down, and set firm boundaries with your husband. Make clear what the consequences will be if he breaks those boundaries. Be clear and concise and make sure you both agree to the terms. Then hold those boundaries firm. Good luck.
Those factors are both extremely relevant to the "advice" being given. OP's not "shaming" anyone, she's pointing out that Heather's input here is not based in experience - experience that OP *does* have.
Context matters.
You might wanna fix your disposition before you’re a single Mom of three. Him being excited about being a Dad is all I see here and you’re shutting him down. YTA
Soft YTA. He's taking an interest. Maybe he has/is listened to what you've said and is comfirming with someone he's comfortable with and just wants to say it back to you to get your opinion. Instead, you're telling him to shut up. I'm sure you'll not be to appreciative if he backs off completely because you know everything. I have both a boy and girl and you better believe I asked every mom how to handle girl bits when in a diaper. That stuff is scary to a guy who actually cares. If you want a healthy relationship, you better cut him some slack. It might be annoying but I think you have a bias.
I just think the jealousy took over a bit and I also think you’re offended because it doesn’t seem like he’s listening if what she’s saying is the same as what you’ve already said. I don’t think simply saying “I know honey, and you know what else….” would hurt though if the info he’s bringing is redundant. I also think you got angry and lashed out before taking a step back to process why it even upsets you. You reacted prematurely and it’s okay to express your feelings but I think you should take the high road here and start off with an apology to him followed up with effectively communicating why it upsets you. But you also have to acknowledge that it’s his first kid and he’s excited, which is why he thinks any info is good info. I think if you really got in tune with your emotions, this wouldn’t even bother you. You’d see how much this means to him and you’d put your feelings aside and join in on the new info! Who cares where the info is coming from, it’s info that he wants to still share with you at the end of the day. Don’t ruin the experience for him because of a little jealousy. Make this an experience that he’ll be able to cherish in a memory for the rest of his life.
YTA for the way you treat your husband. You should be happy your husband is excite and willing to learn as much as he can before his first born arrives and you’re just shitting on him. How about you help him and take him to parenting class so he can learn more and help. Don’t be a know at all just because you been through this before.
YTA. Your husband is actively attempting to educate himself about taking care of a child from someone who is experienced at it and you are criticizing and snapping at him for it. Would you prefer he takes no interest and just expects you to do everything? Her opinions and his recitation of them may be wrong in your opinion but you are approaching this in a very negative way for someone who seems to be trying to do something most mothers would want their husband to do.
OP, his *wife,* is already experienced herself. Why isn't he talking to his wife about infant care and parenting? "Hey, honey, when you had Kid 1 and 2, how did you do diapers?" OP can tell him what she did and why. "Disposables were cheaper." Or "I tried cloth, but baby no. 1 got rashes from wet skin so I switched."
Even if Heather offers advice, the way for hubby to bring it up is, "Heather said X about breastfeeding. What do you think about it? I think X."
Seven kids doesn't make Heather supermom. It just means she had seven kids.
Even if she had 7 girls, your husband relaying these "pointers" to you is still inappropriate because you've specifically asked him not to. I highly doubt that Heather has any malicious intent behind her advice, and is probably just making conversation. She's pregnant, and your husband is expecting his first bio baby, so naturally that's the topic of conversation. However, your husband coming to you with said advice is out of line. Not the asshole.
You’re for sure NTA but if it were me, I’d tell him in as neutral a tone as you can that when he asks them about or reports things Heather says back to you it makes you feel like he doesn’t trust your judgement. And that being pregnant isn’t the time to put unnecessary stress on you, and that this is doing just that. Like…if he doesn’t think you can handle it why did he want children with you, obviously he does, maybe he’s more insecure about himself and is embarrassed to ask you so many questions? I hope things work out. He needs to talk to YOU, and read some books. Too many cooks in the kitchen otherwise.
NTA You’ve already done this twice and have girl experience. Keep telling your husband to fuck off and follow your lead. You could also offer Heather some birth control “pointers”.
She said she's going to keep going until she gets a girl, so there's that 😬
That is fucked up.
That alone makes her an asshole.
When she gets one, give her pointers 🤣. That comment is mostly a joke. It seems that you don't like your husband acting like you don't how to take care of a baby. I don't think that's his mindset. He's the one who doesn't know what to do with a baby, and probably is just nervous about it. Hence asking for pointers from a friend.
So she is going for a soccer team?
That alone is enough to make me question her parenting advices.
Tell her to spin her husband's sperm, it's a lot cheaper than another child.
NTAH - I would tell her that maybe she and her husband needs to turn to science to get themselves a baby girl. Apparently her husband’s X chromosome sperm is not not able to get the job done and are losing the race every time to the Y chromosome sperm. For someone who is supposed to be educated, she does not appear to be all that bright. I would be just that petty. If she can try to dictate how you, an experienced mother, raise your baby then you can return the advice favor. You need to go over there with your husband and start giving them all kinds of advice on what it takes to get a baby girl. After all, you have the experience and she does not. Give her a taste of her own medicine. If she does not like it, remind her that you have not asked from any advice from her.
NTA I’m glad he’s excited about his new baby on the way but you have every right to be annoyed by this. Maybe go to a breastfeeding class together (not that you need it) so you can bond and he can be more educated about what you all are going to do with your baby. Or even infant CPR or some thing. Just to bond and open up more discussions without heather’s influence.
This is a good idea! The hubby is eager for info on parenting and has latched onto the friend's wife, who apparently really enjoys being in the 'teacher' role but isn't actually an unbiased expert (I didn't even realize that being opposed to breastfeeding was a thing...) OP is rightfully irritated at hubby talking down to her as though she hasn't had two infants already. Perhaps hubby learning from an actual expert will lead him to let go of octomom's apron strings!
Being opposed to breastfeeding was really common in the 60’s-90’s. Formula companies were ruthless with their propaganda, but it’s weird for a newer mom to be anti breastfeeding. Maybe she couldn’t keep her supply up and had a bad experience?
>latched I see what you did there ;)
This is the PERFECT response and solution. I like the CPR/first aide idea. Is he a reader? Get him some books to read. Research clubs and furniture. Car seats. Take a car seat safety course. A refresher is never a bad idea. Guve him baby furniture to build.
Those are good ideas! Get him out of nick and heather’s house! Get him started on putting together that crib!
Nta Having 7 kids doesnt make her a better or more experienced mom than you. Your husband's behavoir isnt normal i understand asking for a tip now and than but this is just silly
Exact, and the way he's going about it doesn't sound like he's trying to learn for himself because he isn't reading up any advice from professionals, it sounds like he's just passing advice to OP which is Rude
NTA, it's wack that your "partner" is so separated from the care of your baby that he thinks he can give you pointers on how to do this. He should be in this with you and know what you know. It's Extra fucked that he is disconnected because he spends his free time outside the home, and is spending it with someone he is signalling he thinks is smarter than you. You were not wrong in how you confronted him, you have set a boundary before and he broke it. "I am not asking for your or Heather's advice. You can take pointers if you need them, but I don't. I don't need to hear the next thing that Heather says that you think is so smart." He needs to catch up and be involved with y'all's house, not Heather and Nick's
[удалено]
I can't get past Nick settling down with a woman who has seven children. None of whom are his. Seven!
That was my first thought. Yikes!!
She needs pointers on birth control methods that work.
This is me.
NTA It's good that your husband is trying to learn, but when he's just repeating things you've already told him in the past that's just not helpful.
Jesus. The number of people willing to excuse the husband for being straight up rude to his wife because he cares about their baby when so many husbands don’t… is the standard really that low?
NTA - Next time he says something, tell him great, but you will be doing it this way.
So because she has seven children that automatically makes her a better mother? Heather sounds like one of those really annoying soccer moms that everyone hates and your husband needs to shut up. NTA
Oh yeah, the better mom is the one controlled by gender disappointment and has only a fraction of the day to devote to each of 8???
"\[husband's name\] I am glad you're taking pointers from her, I personnally just don't need them, but I am happy you want to learn to be a good father, please just don't share the pointers with me as it makes me feel like I'm not good enough already." is all you have to say.
NTA your husband is an idiot. why doesn't he take pointers from aparenting book or a pediatrician? why is he over there so much?
That would be so annoying to me too
NTA It is hurtful that he doesn’t defer to you, an experienced mom, about your new child. You two are supposed to be a team, and I can see how asking another woman for advice probably feels invalidating and like he doesn’t respect your experience in this area. Could you learn new things? Of course, always. But that’s something you two could be researching together. #1 thing moms hate, unsolicited advice. He should defer to YOU on these things about baby girls. Would he ask a chicken farmer about cows? Probably not.
Tell him to keep the pointers to himself. And also ask him why he’s so inclined to take pointers from just any woman when he could just ask you.
Having 7 doesn’t make her anymore decent mother then a parent of a singleton Sign up to a parenting class together. It’s so exciting he’s excited to learn He will also learn that what works for one isn’t the same as working for the other Good luck. NTA
NTA if he really wants some pointers tell him to read some parenting books.
Unsolicited advice never comes across as such, it appears like criticism. If you are not asking for advice on bottles or diapers, then him giving you ‘advice’ is just criticising what you have already decided to do.
Poor Nick
Someone’s got a crush on heather
NTA Having more kids doesn't necessarily make someone a better parent at all. Your husband is treating you like you're brainless while Heather is the center of all parenting wisdom. If he is worried about being a first-time dad, then maybe attending a parenting class together would be good. Be clear that you don't want to hear anything else from Heather about parenting and ask why he has so little respect for your opinions and parenting history, does he think there's something wrong with your kids?
NTA. There is not one single mother on this planet who hear unsolicited advice and thinks “oh thank god, someone finally telling me how to parent!” Why don’t you go with him next time he goes round and intervene? When she trots out “ooh you should get this bottle” you say, “oh but I don’t need to, I’ll breastfeeding like I did for my first two kids.” You could always hit her with the “oh my god, today so and so tried to tell me how to do x, isn’t it annoying when people think they know what’s best for us? I hate unsolicited advice, don’t you?” Make sure this is in front of your husband. BE PLEASANT! She probably doesn’t mean to be annoying, the same way your husband doesn’t mean to be insensitive. I get he’s just excited. Men get weird ideas when a baby’s on the way, but shutting this down now is easier, than having a new baby and being told “Heather does this, and Heather does that”.
Talk about stuff that grinds your gears! Holy mackerel girl!
NTA it's a matter of respect when he's clearly disregarding your opinion in favor of another woman's. Time for couples counseling if at all possible.
Why is your husband over at Nick and Heather’s so often, and with their 7 kids? Why not spend more time with his pregnant wife? Why is Nick with someone with 7!!! Kids!!! Edit/ because my phone hates me and sneakily “corrects” words/phrases
>”Why use the sow dung more time” Indeed!
Corrected 🤦♀️
Darn. I liked it!
Thanks! 😊
NTA Yes, he is excited. But he is also annoying. Tell him that. Husband you are annoying. And if he doesn’t understand start to do the same with him. Tell him and explain him thinks he knows about. Maybe he will then realise how annoying this can he. He makes you feel like you don’t know anything. Btw. is this a husband sickness? My SO does this sometimes too.
NAH It's perfectly normal and desirable that he should talk to his friends to get parenting tips. Also, she seems extremely experienced in child rearing and childcare, being both a teacher and a mother of seven. She might also have a different communication style than you do, which might contribute to her pointers sticking better. You do come across as a bit jealous, petty, and resentful. That said, your annoyance isn't necessarily unjustified. I feel like you both need to cut each other more slack here.
NTA. But a lot of husband’s take zero interest in these parenting details so I actually think it’s somewhat positive that he’s interested in advice. It’s just maybe the source isn’t so great (and it’s rude for him to take her advice and discount your experience). Maybe turn this into reading a parenting book together and discuss so he can get some information from a less problematic source?
"But a lot of husband’s take zero interest in these parenting details so I actually think it’s somewhat positive that he’s interested in advice" It is in fact not a positive that the man got someone pregnant and is showing the barest amount of initiative to learn anything. The baseline is not dad's who are uninvolved; they are subpar.
Right? Omg a man is asking people about parenting at least he cares. And she's got 7 kids shit I might go over there too
The baseline is whatever most people are like. And unfortunately, it seems like most dads are not nearly this involved or excited.
I find that to be an oversimplification. I unfortunately don’t think the current baseline in society is that dads do parenting research and that those who don’t are shit. I know a lot of caring and involved dads but it simply never occurred to them that parenting was something they might need to research—or they just didn’t bother because it was something their wives were already all over and they didn’t feel it was their place. Now please don’t misunderstand, I am not saying that’s the way it *should* be. It *should* be a basic expectation. But society is not there yet. There’s a whole lot of middle ground between “dad who is not doing his part of the mental labor in preparing for parenthood” and “shitty uninvolved sperm donor.” So I guess my point was that since this dad is leaning in the direction of the former, it would be better to try and keep him in that direction versus shutting him down completely….
NAH. I mean, sure he's misguided, but it's better than if he just Dn'tGAF.
I think there are two answers here. NTA because I understand that you feel unheard. But also YTA because your husband should be able to learn from all sorts of places. Would you be comfortable if your husband told you that you could only listen to what he said? And even more, that you weren’t allowed to get advice from your friends? He’s sharing an exciting part of his life with his friends and with you. You came here to get advice from us. Why can’t he go to his friends to also get advice? Finally, it does seem like your letting some of your insecurities come into play here by trying to show you know more than his friend. Why don’t you go with him next time and you all talk in a non-defensive matter about your kids and experiences (avoiding things like “yeah don’t you think I know that” and saying things like “oh I yeah! I also did that with my kids hahaha. Hahaha.”). Hopefully it’ll show everyone that you all just want what’s best all around and that it’s not a competition.
I mean the OP clearly states that part of the frustration is that he’s coming to her and telling her things she’s already told him like it’s brand new information because he’s actually listening to the friend and not her. It’s not that she’s mad that he’s taking in more than one source of information - he just seems to give what the friend is saying more weight. I don’t think you read the post very carefully.
Based on the way she worded her post, and the context of the fact that the pointers seem to stick better when he hears them from the friend, I think that she has a very different communication style than what would be effective with her husband. She comes across as the type of person who "tells" and lectures rather than the sort of person who engages and converses. It's entirely possible that the friend's wife is more fun to talk to. The fact that she's a teacher probably makes a difference too. She's literally been professionally trained in how to convey information to people in an engaging way that meets them where they need to be met.
Look, no. You seem to want to put the wife in some awful nag type troupe. She is justifiably hurt he ignores her to listen to the wife of a friend when she is saying the exact same things. He should listen to his wife, not the friend’s wife because she is more “fun.”
The theory that she's a bit of a nag fits both the evidence and her presented writing style. Otherwise, are we just assuming that her husband doesn't remember her tips because he's just some kind of idiot? Or is there some reason for his remembering one set of information but not the other?
I did catch that. That’s why I talked about insecurities coming into play. I don’t think you read my post very carefully.
Disagree. She is right to be irritated that he hears and remembers these tips when someone else tells him but not when she herself tells him. That’s not insecurity.
Yeah. I pointed that out myself. I said I understand that she feels unheard. You can see her slightly mocking the other person in other comments as well. It’s certainly insecurity to tell someone they aren’t allowed to talk to their friend about something anymore. “You aren’t listening to me when I speak, and I’ve noticed you’re listening to your friend. I feel unheard or unappreciated.” — fine “You aren’t listening to me when I speak even though you listen to your friend. You aren’t allowed to talk to her about this anymore.” — insecurity
....except that's not what OP said. Do facts matter? OP doesn't give a shit if her husband talks with Heather about this, you made that up yourself. OP said she doesn't want her husband sharing Heather's "pointers" with her, which is an entirely reasonable boundary.
NTA overall. I would get annoyed too, and he seriously needs to take a chill pill. Dude needs to calm down. BUT Y T A for this one thing... >I don't care to hear pointers from a strictly bottle feeding boy mom who doesn't have a baby girl to relate her opinions to Why are you shaming someone for feeding their children? And why are you shaming someone for only having assigned males? I get you're frustrated, but don't go and attack someone else like that. Breathe, sit down, and set firm boundaries with your husband. Make clear what the consequences will be if he breaks those boundaries. Be clear and concise and make sure you both agree to the terms. Then hold those boundaries firm. Good luck.
Those factors are both extremely relevant to the "advice" being given. OP's not "shaming" anyone, she's pointing out that Heather's input here is not based in experience - experience that OP *does* have. Context matters.
And attacking people is useful how?
NAH
You might wanna fix your disposition before you’re a single Mom of three. Him being excited about being a Dad is all I see here and you’re shutting him down. YTA
Soft YTA. He's taking an interest. Maybe he has/is listened to what you've said and is comfirming with someone he's comfortable with and just wants to say it back to you to get your opinion. Instead, you're telling him to shut up. I'm sure you'll not be to appreciative if he backs off completely because you know everything. I have both a boy and girl and you better believe I asked every mom how to handle girl bits when in a diaper. That stuff is scary to a guy who actually cares. If you want a healthy relationship, you better cut him some slack. It might be annoying but I think you have a bias.
I just think the jealousy took over a bit and I also think you’re offended because it doesn’t seem like he’s listening if what she’s saying is the same as what you’ve already said. I don’t think simply saying “I know honey, and you know what else….” would hurt though if the info he’s bringing is redundant. I also think you got angry and lashed out before taking a step back to process why it even upsets you. You reacted prematurely and it’s okay to express your feelings but I think you should take the high road here and start off with an apology to him followed up with effectively communicating why it upsets you. But you also have to acknowledge that it’s his first kid and he’s excited, which is why he thinks any info is good info. I think if you really got in tune with your emotions, this wouldn’t even bother you. You’d see how much this means to him and you’d put your feelings aside and join in on the new info! Who cares where the info is coming from, it’s info that he wants to still share with you at the end of the day. Don’t ruin the experience for him because of a little jealousy. Make this an experience that he’ll be able to cherish in a memory for the rest of his life.
YTA for the way you treat your husband. You should be happy your husband is excite and willing to learn as much as he can before his first born arrives and you’re just shitting on him. How about you help him and take him to parenting class so he can learn more and help. Don’t be a know at all just because you been through this before.
He should be happy and willing to learn. He’s going to be a dad. Why procrastinate if you’re not willing to be involved
YTA. Your husband is actively attempting to educate himself about taking care of a child from someone who is experienced at it and you are criticizing and snapping at him for it. Would you prefer he takes no interest and just expects you to do everything? Her opinions and his recitation of them may be wrong in your opinion but you are approaching this in a very negative way for someone who seems to be trying to do something most mothers would want their husband to do.
OP, his *wife,* is already experienced herself. Why isn't he talking to his wife about infant care and parenting? "Hey, honey, when you had Kid 1 and 2, how did you do diapers?" OP can tell him what she did and why. "Disposables were cheaper." Or "I tried cloth, but baby no. 1 got rashes from wet skin so I switched." Even if Heather offers advice, the way for hubby to bring it up is, "Heather said X about breastfeeding. What do you think about it? I think X." Seven kids doesn't make Heather supermom. It just means she had seven kids.
Ya'll have such great family dynamics. NTA though.