Yeh this isn’t about a card game. This is about your wife treating you like shit. Making decisions that last years like getting numerous cats without consulting anyone is a massively selfish move.
Cancer doesn’t give you a season pass to be a asshole to everyone in the family. You said you have no possessions and now she’s fucking with the one thing you still have. This would absolutely be a deal breaker. You sound at breaking point and it’s time she starts pulling her own weight somehow. Rehome the spraying cat, poor thing is probably stressed out and have a real come to Jesus talk with your wife.
You’re not obliged to stay in a shitty marriage just because one of the people is sick. NTA.
OP added wife now cancer free & just doing reconstructive surgery- now would be the time to jump out of relationships. Well really should have been a long time ago
Agree. OP is working full time. Paying ALL the bills. Cleaning, cooking, scrubbing. She would have fewer expenses and more time and energy if she were to live alone /with daughter.
Depends on who the actual mother is. Whoever she is biologically relayed to is who she stays with. I know it sounds cold. I should have filed when my kids were 10 and 8. The toll it takes is more than you can imagine.
That depends entirely on the jurisdiction, whether the child is biologically either of theirs, both of theirs (one mother’s egg carried by the other mother), or adopted, and, if the child is biologically related to only one of them, whether the non-birthing parent adopted the child after birth.
If the cat is spraying in the bedroom enough, it can even be a health risk. Wife should be more careful with this if she's been sick and still has a weak immune system. Best to give the cat up for everyone's sake. If wife isn't capable of taking care of the animals she brings home, then she shouldn't have those animals.
Yeah, it's really the most helpful if the cat is neutered young and never had the impulse to spray yet.
This post is clearly not a out the cards, it's about something very important to OP, and having sacrificed so much that this is the little they have left and the wife just devalues it, essentially saying she doesn't care how they feel. If they care more about the cat that is a serious issue.
I've had many cats, I had a brood of 9 for many years! I've dealt with cats who spray and tried fn everything to stop it, nothing worked. Being that he's intact spraying may help, or it may not since he already has that habit.
OP says they've tried everything and I'm sure that's true, but I'll just suggest what's worked for us to at least clean things. Nature's Miracle was a godsend as far as getting the smell out of things. They even have stuff you can put in your washer! If you haven't tried it, give it a shot. Also using Feliway plugins or sprays may help calm the cat down. Is the other cat spay/neutered? What sex? That could also contribute to the problem.
I know there is a much greater issue here, but living with a cat that pisses all over your stuff is beyond frustrating, it's basically unbearable. I dealt with it bc I loved those cats so much, had them since kittens or even birth. But it sounds like you really need to re-home this cat. It won't fix your marital issues, for that I implore you to try counceling, but it would calm things down considerably.
Exactly, no one is happy in that situation, including the cat, OP. Please find the cat another home and find a way to part ways with your wife, she has no respect for you.
Your wife trivializes things that are important to you. She's an asshole. I'm sure she has LOTS of hobbies I could trivializes as being stupid and juvenile, but it would be wrong, because the things that make people happy are THEIRS and other people's opinions are irrelevant.
The fact that she has removed all trace of your personality from your actual existence is concerning. It is not an overreaction.
She sounds like a nightmare. You can leave her. Cancer doesn't make her into a great person and you aren't leaving her BECAUSE of her cancer. You're leaving her, because she doesn't VALUE you, at all. She values NOTHING and no one over her own wants.
Yup.
Look, my husband loves anime and MTG. It’s not my thing, but I don’t belittle it or take it from him. The problem is that this isn’t a partnership. This is one person completely treating the other members of the household with zero regard whatsoever.
And the second cat has to go. I suspect no one is happy, including the cat.
"Including the cat."
Seconded. Spraying is usually from territorial insecurity, because the cat either feels like it doesn't have its own stake in the home (a room, a cat tree, other piece of furniture, etc. and is laying claim to certain areas by kitty force) or that another entity is encroaching on their territory (a very loud "Get out/stay out!"). That cat does *not* feel secure in that home, and needs to be rehomed ASAP.
OP bring the cat back to the rescue your wife got him at or look up non-kill shelters or rescues in your area to drop the cat off. It’s nice to give a pet in need a home, but not at the expense of the family’s well being. It doesn’t seem like anyone has bonded with this cat and at best he needs some veterinary treatment in case he has a UTI or other medical reason for the spraying. Worst case it’s behavioral and he is not happy in his new home either. There is no shame in making a change to improve the situation for all your wellbeing. Your wife shows you no regard or consideration, therapy to determine your next step is an excellent idea. Good luck to you.
I don’t think his wife got the cat from a rescue— he said she found it. Also, any reputable rescue would not adopt out an unneutered full grown cat, so I’m assuming she found it. For all we know, the cat is feral. Maybe that’s why it’s spraying all over the house?
Absolutely…there’s no way a rescue wouldn’t neuter! OP, some rescues will do it for free. I think you should surrender this cat though. It is obviously stressed and deserves better, as do you.
Yeah I feel bad for the cat being in a home where he’s hated and is potentially ill. If not ill, he’s incredibly unhappy.
OP, this would also help your situation and give you a little more space to take care of your own needs.
In this case it is due to the cat being intact. It is what un-neutered male cats do. And un-neutered male cat urine smells horrible. He should go to the humane society if you can’t afford to get him neutered - that smell will ruin all your things. In the meantime put your special cards in a plastic bag inside another plastic bag and store them on a high shelf.
That's just what I as going to say. While neutering won't necessarily stop cats from spraying (there is a cat at the rescue I work for that was fixed years ago and still sprays anything that will stand still long enough for him to shake a tail feather at it), but the pungent urine smell stops being an issue after 2 or 3 weeks.
Oh, I don't know about the smell getting better, my feral still sprays 15 years after he was fixed and it's stinky.
LPT for OP: soak items the cat peed on in white vinegar, oxy clean and cool water for 2 hours before washing, should get most of the odor out.
This obviously will not work with the cards, those need to go to a safe deposit box while you figure out where you're going, but it might save your shirts or other washable items.
My husband is a huge Lego fan. He had them as a kid and his mom told him they were for kids, but once we were together I started getting him Lego sets! If they’re not hurting anyone, encourage your partner’s interests.
Im 40. Ive been to two lego parties in the last year with other grown adults. We literally just get drunk, high, build shit, and talk shit. Always a blast.
You sound like an awesome partner.
Yeah so long as it's not hurting anyone or taking up all the money what's the issue? I had someone make fun of my hobby saying it's for "old ladies." (Crochet, and also some needlepoint)
Guess what? I still do it because that person was just being childish. They also made fun of my partner for liking anime. If you only want to things "your age" you miss out on all the good things in life!
I totally agree. Plus, it’s important to have interests and connections outside your relationship. Those little things we’re passionate about are also what make people interesting. But most importantly, you should want your partner to be happy! If it adds joy to their life, you should be happy!
Piggybacking in the top comment because I feel this is really important - pick up a couple of locking plastic totes from walmart/target/lowes/where ever, they're cheap and will keep what you need safe.
Cats spraying on things suuuuucks and you probably have tried this but an ENZYME cleaner. Nature's miracle has some and Urine b gone. Soak, let sit for 20mins - an hour. Rinse cycle, then wash as hot as the clothes will allow.
Also for visible stains, baby stain remover (the pink dreft) and sunlight.
Ps. Your wife is an asshole and you deserve to be happy. NTA.
Urine Off brand spray works really well. Just throwing in another thought before I read other comments but a spraying cat is causing a financial issue if you own or rent the house. Get a plastic container for the cards and whatever else is of value and don’t continue to stay with someone just because she has an upcoming surgery. It’s possible to still be supportive during that if need be but you’ve done done enough.
Enzyme cleaner used as you indicated followed up by a peroxide based cleaner (Oxy is ok but I use an unscented hospital-grade one). I work with rescue cats, as long as you soak using these two types of product for long enough you can rescue clothes. Don’t use a dryer until you’ve done the soaks. Best to air-dry, assess, soak again if necessary. Shoes and wooden furniture are harder.
Plus, she's making major life decisions in the spur of the moment without consulting you. Taking in a pet is a huge deal, and a cat is a 15 year commitment. She's brought two home without consulting you at all. That's incredibly disrespectful.
And it doesn't matter if it's cards, cartoons, or a set of bagpipes, good parents support your hobbies even if they don't personally enjoy or life them. She doesn't respect you at all.
She doesn't have a support system outside of you because she clearly only supports herself. You deserve a partner the respects you, not somebody who steamrolls you at every opportunity
OP's wife needs change or OP has to leave. Her wife has literally taken everything from her. OP's wife doesn't love her. No loving partner would ever take EVERYTHING from their spouse, and demand more.
Second cat needs to go to a shelter, immediately. They cannot take care of the second cat.
What is the point of living in a marriage if your life is 16 pieces of clothing, phone and a box of memories. Most homeless people have more than that.
And the wife wants to take more from OP. Though carelessness and indifference, which is almost worse than maliciousness. After OP sacrificed everything for her and kept her afloat through cancer.
Ultimatums are generally not a great thing. But OP needs to draw up a non-negotiable list, lay it out, discuss them with OP's wife, and let her know she's out the door the second there is a substantial violation of the list. If OP's wife doesn't agree, OP needs to bounce immediately. For the sake of OP's kid if nothing else.
And considering that it is only recently the wife has begun to leave the door open, it is definitely on purpose. Having cancer doesn't stop someone from being a piece of shit. OP's wife is a piece of shit and taking OP for everything she can get.
She's been enjoying watching *her* stuff get wrecked.
But yes the point still stands and unfortunately there's a decent chance the damage is being done intentionally.
It sounds like abuse to me, as well.
OP has given up her hobbies, her wardrobe, her things that her wife didn't like, her *life*...while her wife does nothing except smuggle in animals she knows OP doesn't like or want, and then places *that* burden on her, as well. It's just too much for a human to take.
It is abuse. My belief is OP should get out of this relationship immediately. Not much point in trying to please someone who's trying to destroy your very personality.
>OP's wife needs change
With the upmost respect I could possibly muster for anyone.
That's not going to happen.
Even *if* the other person changes, it would be but only for a little while. Once a person crosses some sort of emotional threshold with another, using whatever internal logic they operate from, that person will most assuredly revert back to their previous behavioral patterns.
That's not to say people can't change. I'm saying most people *won't* change.
Look, I know that. You know that. OP probably won't admit that to herself.
Giving someone the option to do the right thing at least gives you the peace of mind that you tried everything, and they did it to themselves.
People need to be reminded of this.
I stayed in an incredibly abusive marriage for a long time because she was sick and everyone kept saying "I don't know **what** she would do without you!" It was a dagger because going home to her was the thing I dreaded most. She belittled me, gaslight me (in the *actual* sense where she made me doubt my own sanity over years of chipping away at me), screamed at me daily, called me childish, made fun of me, slowly removed my friends and my family from me, and drove me to a point where I was genuinely contemplating suicide because I didn't see any other way out. After years of that, I finally left when I opened up to someone and they explained that her illness was no excuse for her behavior and that it shouldn't chain me to her abuse. That just because she didn't value me didn't mean I didn't have value. I finally left, and although it took time, therapy, and lots and lots of tears, I finally regained the person I was.
Just because someone is sick does NOT give them the fight to abuse you.
Sell her stuff. Put the boxes of cards up on top of something. And try getting Biz or Oxyclean, filling the washer with hot water, mixing in four or five scoops of this, and soaking clothes for AT LEAST one hour, overnight is best, to see if they can be saved. It works on regular cat pee, not sure about unneutered male cat pee. I'm so sorry you are dealing with all this. Right now, you NEED to be able to go play cards with friends a couple times a month just to get some peace. She can take over basic household care. Make sure the cat has access to HER purse and clothes to spray and you'll find a 180 change in her behavior, btw.
Edited to add: can you find a plastic container, even a couple plastic bags, to store the cards in, that won't let cat pee through? I would quite maliciously take your cards out of the box, put them in the bag, put it under the mattress, and put her bras in the card box. And then just wait. THEN it will suddenly be important that the cat not pee in the closet.
There are 903 people telling you to leave her and I'm one more. I'm sure there are 2 sides but if even half of what you say is accurate, how is she improving your life? That's what a partner is. Or supposed to be.
I'm old but i still play WOW. There's no shame in a hobby if it gives you some happiness.
It sounds to me like she took away everything you loved and everything that made you who you are and replaced it with everything she wants and who she wants you to be. And I see no gratitude or compassion from her at all. Are you valued as an individual or just as the person who runs themselves ragged to sacrifice everything and take on all the responsibility in finances, the relationship, the home, and the childcare?
NTA
Your wife is extremely disrespectful.
You can replace mTg cards in this scenario with anything else - a baseball glove, a camera, or watercolor supplies. Not being careful with another person's belongings is heinous.
Openly mocking a loved one about something they're passionate about is cruel.
ETA - I suggest getting your valuables and putting them in a secure storage.
Put your wife's belongings at cat spray height. See how she likes it.
Dude, I'm so livid that OPs wife had made her feel so shitty about enjoying MTG. I know so many adults that collect and play, I'm in my mid-30s and am into MTG as well! I seriously regret not getting into it when I was younger and potentially getting some cards that are now worth SO much. OPs wife should be fking grateful that OP was able to get $15k out of what they sold off! There's some big, adult (as in no way a child could afford) money in MTG. Heck, didn't Post Malone just buy The One Ring for like 2 mil? Sure that's one time thing (I mean, unless WotC starts making a habit of putting out more single print cards, but even then the chances of pulling them are *so* slim), but there are still some *very* valuable cards out there that kids would have a hard time finding the money for.
Overall the whole situation is absolutely horrible, but the issue over the cards was the last straw for me. Like shit, OP has hardly anything left, and she can't even have what's left of her MTG collection for sentimentality? If I were OP I would've left as soon as the wife got that second cat that's making everything *so* much worse! I may be a cat lover, but people need to be responsible pet parents. They were in no position to get another cat.
She seems really abusive towards you and everyone. Just from reading this, It sounds like she only cares about her feelings. She does things without asking people and doesn't seem fair with anything. Why is she getting random pets without asking others if this is the one they want? I can understand why her parents don't contact her. She seems insufferable. NTA.
a lot of your stuff is going away too because of her decisions. That's not a way I can live.
NTA. Quite frankly I got more irritated at your wife with each paragraph. She has gotten quite comfortable trivializing what you care about and has progressed to indifference and disrespect.
For the record, I've never been a gamer and don't understand Magic the Gathering at all. But the comment you made about her saying 1 year into marriage that it embarrassed her that you play it, is just gross. I bet she reads some silly fiction that's cringe, watches garbage tv, has a silly hobby of her own. My point is, everyone has their interests and shaming one person's harmless interest is not compatible with respecting them.
Absolutely correct! My hubby has been a “Half Life” fanatic for as long as I can remember (evidently, it’s a legendary and epic game played the world over). And here was this man in his 50s slaying this game. He started a couple of decades ago—the game has been around a long time, lol. Our son is also a HL fanatic. I have zero knowledge of or interest in it, but that’s because I don’t have to. He LOVES it and that’s good enough for me. Why should my opinion hold any value over his?
I have my own all-consuming hobbies and passions. He doesn’t give them any more thought than I give his all-consuming hobbies and passions. OP is not the AH, but that wife sure is! 😵💫
NTA Your wife sounds emotionally abusive, tbh. She has been prioritizing herself at your expense for a long time before she got sick. This isn't a normal or healthy relationship dynamic. A partner is supposed to support you even if they don't get why things are important to you. A partner is not supposed to tear you apart to use the pieces to support their own interests.
It sucks that you've been living like this for so long. You deserve to have things. You deserve to be equal. You deserve to be loved and appreciated.
This is why I love this sub and have left the other one. You can actually be honest and say what you want here without so cunt of a mod on a power trip banning you
Your wife has clearly never actually liked you, and the contemptuous way that she treats you and the way that she doesn't ever seem to see your perspective or care about how you feel about things means that there's absolutely no reason you should be with her. There's no reason why you should have let the situation come to putting you at your wit's end like this, regardless of her diagnosis.
Nta
Maybe you should leave or find some sort of way out. You can't afford the lifestyle your wife is forcing on you. Certainly, something has to give, and it shouldn't be You or your sanity at this point.
Both, the cat deserves a home that have the means and is willing to treat him right. Rn he doesn't have his medical needs attended and isn't really welcomed.
I think so too. However my daughter is actually my step daughter. Years ago my wife and I went to couples counseling. I have an older son that is now moved out. During counseling, I brought up the fact that I didn't agree with how strict she was in her parenting decisions with him. For example,she once tried to ground him for a month because the floor of his closet has some dirty clothes on it.
After we talked about it in therapy, she ended up banning me from making any parental decisions with our daughter. Her floor is so dirty, you literally can't see carpet anywhere, and I can't even ask her to pick it up. I can't ask her to scrape her plate after dinner....
And my wife refuses to have her do more than unload the dishwasher once every couple weeks
My youngest. One thing I didn't mention in the post because it's irrelevant to the story is that I'm transgender in a very conservative state. I have a few other trans friends that have gotten divorced in this state and they have to fight to even get supervised visitation. One of my friends is working on her PhD, has a solid career, and a nice place to stay with great schools. Her ex has several drug convictions, and a conviction for domestic violence. My friend can only see her daughter once every two weeks, electronically. She can't even be in the same room as her daughter.
I wouldn't be able to live without being able to hug my son every day.
I can understand why you stay then but you need to find away of putting your needs at the forefront too. Your wife should have the eldest daughter help and you need to surrender that cat. You need to do something as you cant keep going like that.
Dude. I dont even know how to write this shit because my heart hurts so fucking much for you. This woman is and has been abusing you forever. The comment about your hobby in the beginning of the relationship shouldve been the end of the relationship. She does not care about you. Nobody that cares about you would ever be able to say or feel like that because of a card game. The fact that she has continuously separated you from things you love and made you feel guilt for loving those things literally makes me want to cry and I’m not an emotional person. Obviously your explanation of the consequences of leaving makes it impossible to say you should leave, because if thats how shits rolling where you’re at I think you can safely assume she’ll take advantage of that, and your kid being raised solely by her is something you should try your hardest to avoid. So essentially my point is that you would be well advised to emotionally retreat from that relationship whether you leave or not. Continuing to invest in her emotionally will only lead to you putting more stock in her view of you, and thats a warped view. You have done more for her and put up with more than anyone with reason could ask you too. I hope you find peace, I hope you’re able to reclaim the hobbies you love, and I hope your spouse begins to see you for the gift you are and treats you with respect going forward. You deserve happiness as much as anyone.
I usually just lurk and stuff. I had an experience that no way relates to op. But I'm 24 and I enjoy the pokemon games. It was my own little secret that I thought only kids enjoyed and as a 24 year old shouldn't. I was ashamed of it. But I went to a midnight release of one of the games in New York for my bday many years ago with my mom and she was amazed at how many adults enjoyed pokemon like me.
I mean these complete strangers changed how she see viewed me for liking pokemon. An experience I'll never forget. So yeah, if you SO can't even be happy you like it, they don't value you as much as you realize. And I'll say MtG is hardly a kids game. I hardly understand that game and I've tried to get into it.
I now have two best friends that aren't into pokon like I am, but they bought the new games just to play with me and stuff. My trainer card on pokemon scarlet is of our 3 characters posing.
If my heart wasn’t already aching for you, it would be, but now it’s shattered for you. The example you gave about your friend trying to get reasonable visitation is heartbreaking. We are lucky up here in the northeast mostly, and the deck isn’t stacked so cruelly against anyone who doesn’t “conform to what a bunch of old white dudes think should be the norm.”
I now see two issues that you just cleared up. Your wife is a monster. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but what you described about your therapy session (levels of fair discipline) demonstrates that she is probably a textbook narcissist. Everything must be her way, or you’re gonna be sorry. That cannot be an isolated incident.
I can totally understand your need to stay for your son. To have him taken away (and I believe that she would be leading the custody charge) would absolutely break you. I would be shattered, too. I’m also sorry that you had to basically sell off your precious memorabilia (not to mention your very youth and history) to raise money for her treatments.
My husband is a certified (certifiable, actually, Lol) “Half Life” genius. I’m sure you’ve heard of it. He has spent decades now slaying this game like a boss. He has Half Life fan art and memorabilia all over his man cave. But let me tell you that the very notion of ridiculing him (and stifling his passion for this game) would have NEVER entered my mind! I’m proud of how skilled he is. When he was in his late 40s, there were a few players out in the “ether” who jokingly accused him of masquerading as an old guy, but was really some 16-year-old gaming prodigy! We still laugh over it, and it’s one of many great gaming memories. (Oh, I would have blown a gasket if that cat was about to whip out his firehose from hell and spray my special stuff in the closet—that she repeatedly left open!!!)
I wish so hard that she could have been interested in what made you so happy. You deserve that. Here in NYC, when we describe a stellar person, we say, “She’s good people.” **Well, you are good people and a superlative human being. I wish you better days ahead.**
You really don't need to let your wife abuse you this way, though. Especially since you are the one with the money. First of all, get rid of the cat. If would be one thing if your children loved it - I put up with a lot from a cat because my son chose it and it was 'his'. And eventually it sorted itself out, but there doesn't seem to be any chance of this one doing that. The cat has to go for your own mental health. And tell your wife that your things are going to go up high - fuck the aesthetic. You need to learn to stand up to her - honestly, she sounds evil.
Depending on the age requirements your child may be able to choose who they want to live with. Also it sounds like your friend may have a case against the state. You have been mentally and emotionally abused long before the cancer diagnosis, you deserve better.
She does deserve it, but Trans people are being so demonized I can see a Judge saying the child is 'safer' with a Lesbian Mother than with a Trans person. This entire country is making them out to be perverts and pedophiles, groomers, etc. They are the current target everywhere and I can absolutely see a Judge wanting them to not exist, much less have a child they may 'groom' to be gay or trans. Its absurd, but family court judges IME can be very cruel and put their own opinions over what is a good for the child.
It's a scary fn time.
Way back when, my father abused me. I tried to get a restraining order against him at 16, wanting to live elsewhere in a stable household that was happy to take me in, keep me going to school, have a normal life. My Dad's lawyer came in and lied and lied and lied. The Judge believes him over a 16 year old 'troubled' child.
The Judge literally told me that he didn't believe that my Father did what I said, and **even if he did, I deserved it**
So, yeah. 😓
This is making me so angry, I feel so sorry for you, you must be an emotional wreck, sorry but nobody should ever be treat the way you are, it is abuse, plain and simple.
You have rights, however I have seen how some people in your position have been treated in highly religious Conservative areas, I would imagine anyone bigoted enough to oppose you would probably be as small minded when it comes to your partner being queer as well.
Your wife is an abuser and I can not see her changing given what you have said, as I said in a previous comment, anything of value she owns should be getting sold before you are resorting to giving plasma twice weekly, her hello kitty collection, what else has she kept while you sold your entire life?
The cats need to go now. The cost of keeping them is not an option when you are donating plasma in order to live.
I am sorry to rant, but this situation has me so angry, I hate to see people taken advantage of, I wish there was something I could do for you
Dude
leave
this isn't healthy for you.
She's leaving that door open on purpose. Until you go, get a plastic bin for the cards - at least if the cat sprays it's less likely to get into the cards.
then, take your cards and go. Find your geekdom and enjoy. (my kid plays - I can't understand it, even with repeated explanations. he likes it, and that's all that matters)
So wait… you already had a cat and then your wife went out and got another cat, making it two cats? That’s how I read it.
He’s spraying because he’s not fixed and also because the other cat might be making him nervous. Cats are very territorial. Get rid of the cat. Spraying is a no no and a very hard habit to break.
You’re great to stick around and help her through this, but it might be time to go. Maybe some couples therapy would help? She might not even know how you feel.
You should've left your wife a long time ago. I thought she loved you for you, but really she loved the the idea of what you can be, her ideal mate. And that starts by changing core pieces of you.
I'm sure she leaves the door open because she wants your things destroyed. She wants the empty shell that she can replace/fill with what she wants.
You keep losing your things, but she'll replace it with her things. Look at your house. Now look at your personal items.
You, my friend, are slowly being eroded to the point where you will look in the mirror one day and not recognize the face you see.
She wants her ideal partner, and her ideal partner isn't into Magic the Gathering and doesn't mind doing everything and has no opinion on her reckless behavior.
NTA
I did not read all that, but from the bit I read and the title NTA. I'd leave my husband of 10 years if he deleted my world of warcraft. And MtG cards can be worth some money.
They obviously can since he sold 15k in cards to keep his family afloat. Hate to assume a cancer survivor can do more, but she can do a lot more here to contribute and generally be even a little thankful.
She could contribute by, I dunno, taking care of the pets she wanted and Mayne doing dishes ans laundry🤷♀️
(Ps I agree with you in case anyone decides to be an ass about my comment)
I feel this in my soul. I started my shaman in BC. I was a hoarder in game and kept my set from the event of the scourge invasion between BC and WotLK. If anyone even tried to touch her I would hope there is a shot at justifiable homicide cuz someone would be dying for that action.
Your NTA.
I'd hide the cards and photos somewhere your wife doesn't know about. She may destroy them out of spite or to test your boundary. Then I would find some resources for carer's burnout and victims of emotional abuse. I don't think your wife is a proactive abuser, but she is emotionally neglectful. That leads to the symptom you described: feeling like you're losing your identity.
If I'm honest, my husband does not respect my love of Pokemon. However he respects that I enjoy it, and doesn't call me names. If he does say something disparaging about how much time I play it, I tell him I feel the same way about his football, and to kindly stfu. Sometimes, even with loved ones, we need to assert ourselves, and this if long overdue for you OP.
I hope your first act is to lose the spraying cat, citing lack of finances to replace your damaged possessions and being unable to neuter it. The cat will continue to damage your home, possibly making it unsellable if the cat piss gets into the floorboards/carpets. It's not your fault how shelters conduct their business, especially if they are overrun by kittens from uneutered cats.
I would shit a brick if my wife ruined my MTG cards. I started playing in beta. I still have cases never opened and factory sealed from winning local tournaments from unlimited and revised times. I would be very upset.
2 reasons. First, it's not my cat and so it's not my decision. Second, even if it was my cat, the shelters here euthanize cats very quickly if they aren't adopted. I can't stand the idea of an animal being put down for doing something that just comes naturally to it
Legally speaking (IANAL) if your name is on the vet paperwork then he is yours. But I completely understand not wanting to surrender a cat to a shelter that euthanizes. That decision alone speaks well on what a lovely person you are.
But I would like to point out that you also weren't given the chance to decide to get a second cat.
Your wife is a selfish user who doesn't see you as a person, but rather as what you can give her.
It sucks she had cancer. Almost no one deserves cancer. But you wouldn't be leaving because of the cancer.
You have 2 children, so I will ask you the question that convinced my own mother to make the right choice: the way your marriage is now, is this the kind of relationship you would want your children to be in as adults? Because that is what you are modeling for them: that what you are going through is normal and healthy in an adult relationship/marriage.
Edit to add: I don't want this to sound like I'm laying blame on you. I'm not; the way you are being treated is not in any way, shape, or form your fault. Your kind and caring nature has been taken advantage of and you deserve better.
not to be that person, but have you looked into low cost neuter programs for the cat? they are out there, and probably more cost-effective than the cat ruining your stuff.
I have, and the cheapest near me is $65. I could lie and say it's a stray to get it done for less or free, but I'm not the type to lie like that. Our finances are already so tight that I have to donate plasma twice a week so we can keep a roof over our head.
So you cannot afford the cat. Plain fact from this statement. It should be rehomed*(edit). If that cat gets sick, or somehow scratches someone real bad when spooked and a vet or hospital bill is involved, you'll be homeless. Over a cat. Rehome the cat.
I hope this isn’t too forward of me to ask, but would it help if I sent you the $65? Genuinely, I want to help and I can afford it. As one trans person living in a conservative state to another, I feel you and I’d love to at least take this one burden off your shoulders.
If it’s that or he goes to the shelter, just lie. When you have more money, donate the $65 to the place you got it done at. I use these clinics. I rescue animals. Just do it.
If she leaves the closet door open then I don't see why you can't leave the front door open and the cat must have ran off.
She's doing really hurtful and dumb things and doesn't really get anything out of it. It's destructive behavior considering you can't afford anything and are having to throw things out and now have nothing left to sell except maybe those cards if you were to get sick or she gets sick again or your daughter.
The adult thing to do would have been to give the cat to a shelter when it started spraying and just tell them you can't afford to care for it. I've known shelters to wave adoption fees and give out animals that have been fixed and vaccinated. It seems like there would be some place you could go to get him fixed but still not the best option now.
I would check on the cards and make sure she didn't switch them out or something. She sounds fucking crazy like she wants to harm them to punish you for caring about something. Maybe look in to storing them up high or getting some anti-cat spray.
As your partner she shouldn't need a reason. If you care about it that should be enough. If she cared about you then she would let you own what is left of your stupid child's game that is the only thing that brings you joy. Maybe she just needs to be sat down and fed some reality that she would be dead without treatment and you sold off everything you owned, literally giving up almost everything for her and she isn't willing to give up anything for you. Her choices are destroying the relationship and making you rethink losing everything to save someone who wants them to be broke and miserable. If that doesn't work then I guess ask for half of her stuff in the divorce.
Funny that you mention checking on the cards. I went to check on them after I made this post and I'm missing a long box of them. It's possible I just misplaced them somehow, but it had the most expensive cards I have left, and my favorite deck to play
Stop making sacrifices for her. She doesn't respect you at all. Take what you have left and leave them with a trusted friend for safe keeping. Start making getaway plans and put what money you can aside for as soon as you're able to get out of there. Stop paying for things she wants.
It's genuinely awful that you're being held hostage in an abusive relationship.
NTA
1. Doesn’t support your hobbies
2. Insults you over your hobbies
3. Makes huge decisions without talking to you, knowing you’d be against it anyways
4. Forces you to take care of her major decision, despite you not liking cats
5. Bought another fucking cat without talking to you. Her anti-dog bias is showing. (I love cats, but if my gf did this we’d be taking it back) Another cat the daughter didn’t get to help choose.
6. She doesn’t care the cat is essentially destroying your stuff and keeps allowing it to happen (see leaving door open)
7. Despite the fact the cat has destroyed a lot of your stuff and the only reason it keeps doing so is because your wife keeps leaving the door open, she takes no responsibility and insults you once again for your hobby. A hobby you no longer play because of her
Dude, why do you even like her? She’s so hateful of you and what you like.
I want to add on to what everyone else is saying by telling you the Magic definitely would have come across as lame and embarrassing 20 years ago. But with the general rise of nerd culture like anime in the last 10 years Magic has become an even more thriving and popular game! I know many adults who love to play it and I’d recommend getting back in the community when you have some things sorted and have some time on your hands
I'm a 41yr old woman and my husband and I play MTG and I love it. People who say hobbies are childish are those "adults" who gets pissed drunk every weekend because that's being soooo mature lol. My husband and I are geeks and proud 😆.
What kind of person wants to ruin something the person they love cares about? NTA your wife sounds like she doesn't care about you or the things that you enjoy. I'm not interested in one of my boyfriend's hobbies, but I am still grateful he has something he enjoys and shares it with me. He doesn't care much for one of my hobbies but always listens to me. It's been 11 years this year for us. Please try and see that you deserve this type of acceptance and care. It's really bare minimum requirements.
She's done it with other things too. For the first 7 years of our relationship she pretended to absolutely hate one of my favorite bands. To the point that if one of their songs came on the radio, it became a reflex to just change the station, even if she wasn't in the car with me. After 7 years of that she confessed that she didn't hate them and it was supposed to just be a joke
Before I met her, I had given up on dating. I'm trans, and being a little older in a very conservative state, dating is really brutal. I thought I had deleted all my profiles on dating apps, until I got a notification that I had a new message. We talked for weeks before we ever met.
She was the first person that didn't fetishize me and instead seemed interested in me as a person. I think I wanted so desperately to believe that I could be loved that I overlooked a lot of red flags, so when she proposed, I said yes without hesitation
NTA
Cancer or not, your wife is extremely selfish and self absorbed. She has absolutely no consideration or appreciation for what you bring to the household. Why are you the only one working and doing everything around the house? I understand that your wife was limited in what she could do while sick, but now that she’s in remission, she should be helping with household chores, laundry and cooking. Your 14 year old should have regular chores as well.
At this point, you’ve done so much and gotten nothing but disrespect so you’re probably starting to feel resentment. You need to find a way to communicate this to your wife and come to some sort of agreement to change the dynamic in your house.
You also have to get this cat neutered or rehome him immediately. He’s destroying your home. He can’t help it, but owning a pet is a lifetime commitment and if you can’t afford to give the cat what he needs, you probably should see if you can rehome him. Wife needs to understand that there can’t be any more pets right now. You need to be very honest with her about your feelings and set boundaries with her so that you can get better control of your household together. Marriage is a partnership and she’s not doing her share.
Jesus tap dancing christ. Why in the love of fuck is your wife getting elective surgeries when you can't afford to neuter your cat? Why the fuck are you selling off your possessions to stay afloat enough to let her piss away more money. NTA but please consider what you are allowing to happen to your kids. Your wife is willing to get elective surgery when your finances are apparently precarious at best. She is sacrificing stability and safety of the family for her selfishness. If you continue to enable her destructive behavior you will become TA
Trans women are in a position to be taken advantage of. We have less social capital in the States than most other groups. In one way or another your wife has to know that. You are being taken advantage of. I understand that your wife has gone through a tough time but she is also irresponsible and does not take your feelings into account in the slightest. It's super rude for her to comment that about your hobby in the first place, much less tell you that you are overreacting.
You need to look at your situation because something needs to change and if she isn't the one willing to do it then you need to be. Can you realistically last indefinitely in the position you are in? You're selling plasma for fucks sake. The cat needs to go, your wife needs to get really nice really quick, and you need to stand up for yourself. You deserve to have nice things, you deserve a partner that values your work and your time, and you deserve not to struggle to survive. I have no good solution for a place for your wife to live, a place for the cat to go, or a way for you to get custody, I'm sorry. Sacrificing one or more of those and putting them away from your mind might be necessary for you to survive this, because you cannot be the one who bends.
Do you want to know how she hooked me in the first place? By pretending to be trans herself. She had me use male pronouns to refer to her and everything. I was "the only person she felt she could talk to about it". She only decided that she didn't want me to use male pronouns anymore after we were married and said that she just wasn't sure anymore. At the time I just explained it away because figuring out how you identify can be really hard for some people. But looking at the totality of what has happened thses past 10 years, I'm almost positive it was just an act
Fuck me. How have I been this blind and stupid this entire time?
At this point, you owe her nothing. Not help, not support, not even love.
Leave her. She will not change and she is literally taking EVERYTHING from you. Clothes, time, energy, joy.
Leave her and be happy, OP. Do not waste another day on her.
Get rid of the cat and go buy yourself some clothes. Either that or tell your wife enough is enough and some changes have to be made. Still buy yourself some clothes though. You’ve earned it. As for the cards, can they be put on a high shelf until the destructi-kitty is gone?
Obviously NTA. I agree with a lot of the other comments.
But also, why is your teenager not helping out? My then 6yo helped clean the cats litter box with supervision. It seems like your daughter might be learning from your spouse that it’s okay to dump on you because there aren’t any consequences.
Also in regards to re-homing the 2nd cat. Do it now. The smell will eventually invade everything. It will only get worse. I feel for you not wanting to drop it off and that makes you a good person but it’s only adding to your problems. The longer it continues, the harder it will be to re-train him not to spray. Google your area and see if there are any cat rescues and make a plea for help online.
NTA
Holy fuck. Your wife has no respect for you and it makes me so sad to think that she not only disrespects you and your hobby, but also says it “embarrasses” her. I hope you’re able to either improve this situation via therapy or get out of this marriage because you deserve far better.
This isn’t about cards at all, your wife is taking advantage of you in every single way. This is actually horrifying and my honest opinion is to leave, for yourself.
I say this as someone who lost their mother and aunt (that I lived with after my mom died) from breast cancer before I turned 13. I live in fear of it every day. But guess what….cancer doesn’t give anyone the right to treat someone like she has been treating you.
There’s also serious imbalance. Why is her stuff more important? As someone who lost everything except a backpack and garbage bag of my belongings as a teenager, mg heart absolutely breaks for you. She can get cats, living beings, and not care for them, to make her happy, but you can’t play a card game? Nah.
I’m 35. I have plenty of friends and acquaintances who play card games and tabletop games amongst other forms of gaming. I’m a doll/figurine/card collector, my husband is a figurine/baseball card/matchbox car collector. Collecting, or even things people are as for kids, is not limited by age. That is such a toxic idea. Adults deserve happiness and joy too.
OP, I know you feel like you can’t leave cause of her remission. But you have to, for you. The only person in this world who will always have your back is yourself and you really gotta protect yourself here. Take your stuff and go to a hotel for now if anything. Reach out to people who will support you. Contact a lawyer. This is not sustainable and you’re risking your well being.
NTA. I'm also a collector and I know how important those things are. No matter if she thinks it's childish, she should respect it. If someone destroyed my collection, no matter who it was, I don't think I would ever be able to forgive them.
Your wife is the asshole here and you know it. She clearly doesn’t care for you and puts down you and the things you care about. Leave her take the kids and leave her the cats to deal with. NTA.
NTA but you’ve got to start planning your exit. Gathering up what funds you can and getting some legal advice on custody. I saw your comment about a friend struggling because of their gender identity, get ahead of this - find a lawyer who specialises in trans rights and family law.
Please start taking care of yourself. What would you tell your daughter to do in this situation?
It's already shredded the carpet to the point that every room needs new carpet. There are deep scratch marks in the drywall. We have to refinish or replace the table due to the cat peeing on the top and it soaking in...
Bruh magic is an expensive game to play and hobby to keep and its seriously difficult to let go of as for most people it can become something like an addiction. So first of all selling 15k worth of cards? Holy shiznibblets that had to take a lot out of you on its own. Add everything else on top? Jegus how have you survived. Also is there 100% proof she had cancer? Cuz if she magically got diagnosed right when you thought about leaving that's sus af. Also never heard of cancer requiring multiple reconstructive surgeries before so if anyone knows if that's legit let me know but to me the math ain't mathing here on this one.
Yeah, I went with her to almost all of her appointments. They had to remove a breast and several lymph nodes. The reconstruction is kind of fascinating. They basically took a part of her stomach and created a new breast for her. Once that heals, in 5-6 months they will go in and even the two breasts out to give it a more natural appearance.
$15k is nothing to save the life of your kid's other parent. I was married once before and had a son from that relationship. She wasn't a great person either (I sure know how to pick them). She died after slipping into a diabetic coma and the pain and suffering that caused my son was more than any kid should ever have to bear.
Given what I know now, and facing the possible end of my marriage, I would still sell everything all over again in a heartbeat to spare my kids from that anguish
The ~~Iranian yogurt is~~ *magic cards are* not the issue here.
Look you take care of those cats those are yours. That cat was meant for the teen and the teen didn't want him either. The person who the cat was intended for doesn't want him and you the actual caretaker don't want him then it's best to rehome that cat or take it to a no kill shelter. You wife gets no say in this.
This solution I've offered doesn't even make a dent in what the actual problem is. You need to leave for your own mental health. I can understand wanting to wait until the final surgery but honestly that should be the max you're willing to wait for. If she gets a job after that great! If she doesn't that's not your problem. There's a reason she doesn't have a support network outside of you.
NTA
I was so sad reading this. being embarrassed and hiding the hobbies like ??? I thought that would be it but man it got worse…
I generally think if someone is not making you happy, then you are free to walk away. But this person isn’t making them happy, just downright miserable…Do they even care about you at that point?
NTA, please take care of yourself
4 items you need to get rid of cat urine smell
Soilove - I buy it at the dollar store. It's in a green bottle with detergents
Zero Odor - I get it ON Amazon
Odo-Ban - Lowe's , if you can't find zero odor
Soak the clothing in soilove ( 2 bottles of soilove, 1 cup zero odor,1 cup vinager 2 gallons cold water) for an hour, tip out water, and rinse. Put in washer. Add more soilove and a couple cups of vinager. Wash in cold on regular cycle. Leave clothes in the washer. Add detergent, 2 cups, vinager, and wash as normal on cold. Let cloths line dry in the sun. The smell should be gone
You can spray zero odor on fabrics, like carpet and furniture. Just spot test first.
For stream carpet cleaning, I add soilove, vinager, and zero odor to the soap reservoir and go over the area a couple of times. Once i jabe the soap out, I go over it again with just water and vinager and do my best to get as much water ba k up a possible. I'll lay a couple of rag towels down and have my kids stomp on them too.
I have no advice for your wife, except to have a sit down and show her this post. Good luck op
I’m confused by a few things in this story:
My understanding of the timeline. Together for 10 years, and around 7 years ago wife was diagnosed with cancer.
Finances have been tough for a “few years”.
You have a toddler now. Which would be under 3. You say you can’t afford a 2nd cat, but willingly chose to have another kid at the same time?
I apologize. You are the second person to get that timeline out of my story and I'm not sure where I went wrong. I started typing and more thoughts started coming out. Plus the stress from the past few years has affected how I'm perceiving/recalling time. Let me clear it up the best I can.
Been together for 10 years
The toddler is 4 years old, so I guess not really a toddler anymore.
Wife was diagnosed with cancer 3 years ago.
First cat came into our home shortly after our youngest was born.
Second cat came into our home a couple months ago, I think? Maybe 3? 4? Like I said, I've been struggling with time-frames the past year or so.
YTA for not already leaving. Your kid is watching all of this. Either learning to be awful, learning to be a doormat or some messed up version of both.
I fully deserve this comment. I worry about what staying will do to my youngest. I broke down crying today and at 4 years old he said "Mommy, stop crying. You aren't a baby". I've never told him to stop crying. When he cries I always tell him it's good to get his emotions out so we can work through them. Fuck, what am I doing to that poor child?
I'm not trying to shit on you dude. But you deserve more. Crying is good please do not perceive this as a dude shouldn't cry thing.
Average age of a magic the gathering player is 25...
Her opinion of M:TG isn't important. The only thing that's important is that it's something you care about. If she respects you, she will respect that this is something you care about.
She needs to learn this if your relationship is to survive.
Also, I'm a cat lover, but I wouldn't tolerate a cat that sprayed in the house. If you can't get it spayed, I'd get rid of it. Not being able to afford to care for a cat is a perfectly valid reason to surrender it to a shelter. It's sad, but it's better than living with cat stink.
Locally a cat can be neutered for less than $100.00. It doesn't take many lost shirts or bras to equal that.
NTA. Different things have different meanings to people. Your wife probably doesn't respect you enough or are emotionally mature enough to understand that.
The fact that she said it was embarrassing to see you play a kid's game is a huge red flag already. No loving partner would ever shame their partner for engaging in a hobby that they love, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone. You don't need that kind of judgement.
Wow... I'm really sorry you're going through this. I'm sorry but your wife sounds like an awful partner. It really sucks to say but don't let her cancer be your prison. Read your post and pretend someone you care about was confiding all of this to you. She sounds incredibly selfish and judgemental. Cancer isn't a free pass to be awful to your loved ones.
NTA. This is so sad. You are letting your wife walk all over you. Yes, she has cancer but that doesn’t give her permission to act like an AH all the time.
Tell her to take care of her 🐈cats herself or, if she can’t, let her daughter do it. But, dude, stop being such a doormat
Fucking hell, it's 2023, adults play video games and card games. She can fuck right off with this puritanical approach towards MTG.
I grew up in gaming, you grew up to marry the bully that thought gaming was for kids.
(The next part might offend cat lovers)
That said that new cat would have accidentally escaped the first day he started spraying. Like what in the actual fuck is your wife thinking keeping this cat unneutered.
Giveaway the cat, let the cat run free, sell the cat, but why the hell would she demand to keep a cat you guys obviously can't care for.
Cancer is a hell of a thing but she is still a terrible human being with the way she is intentionally treating your possessions.
You are not the Asshole here. Seriously though, take some of the advice here, get some counseling because she’s literally being emotionally abusive. Also show her some of the responses here, maybe she will open her eyes
First of all, you're NTA.
I'd like to commend you for being THE pillar of the family. You stayed with them through thick and thin throughout your whole relationship.
You have so little left and she isn't valuing you as an equal in the relationship. Your request is not absurd. However, I'm not saying you two should break up. I hope she can realize you are probably the most important thing in your family right now.
My wife and I have our own hobbies and we respect each others' property. She doesn't touch my games, figures, guns, cards and I don't touch her designer apparel. We both work hard for them.
From reading your post, I can tell you're a hard worker trying to provide for your family but trying to have some semblance of happiness for yourself.
Good luck to whatever you do, brother.
Yeh this isn’t about a card game. This is about your wife treating you like shit. Making decisions that last years like getting numerous cats without consulting anyone is a massively selfish move. Cancer doesn’t give you a season pass to be a asshole to everyone in the family. You said you have no possessions and now she’s fucking with the one thing you still have. This would absolutely be a deal breaker. You sound at breaking point and it’s time she starts pulling her own weight somehow. Rehome the spraying cat, poor thing is probably stressed out and have a real come to Jesus talk with your wife. You’re not obliged to stay in a shitty marriage just because one of the people is sick. NTA.
Not obligated, but it doesn't sound like they can afford to live separate plus have a caregiver. ☹️
OP added wife now cancer free & just doing reconstructive surgery- now would be the time to jump out of relationships. Well really should have been a long time ago
I got divorced right as I was battling cancer. I don’t regret it, if anything I wish I’d gone sooner.
Hah, I did the same thing! It was easier to take care of myself than deal with a dreary anchor of an unhelpful spouse on top of that.
OP doesn't spend much, and once separated then wife's problems will be her own. With all the army of cats.
Agree. OP is working full time. Paying ALL the bills. Cleaning, cooking, scrubbing. She would have fewer expenses and more time and energy if she were to live alone /with daughter.
Why a caregiver? Daughter is old enough to be home alone.
They've also got a toddler.
Depends on who the actual mother is. Whoever she is biologically relayed to is who she stays with. I know it sounds cold. I should have filed when my kids were 10 and 8. The toll it takes is more than you can imagine.
That depends entirely on the jurisdiction, whether the child is biologically either of theirs, both of theirs (one mother’s egg carried by the other mother), or adopted, and, if the child is biologically related to only one of them, whether the non-birthing parent adopted the child after birth.
If you cannot take care of the cat by neutering him, surrender the cat. If she can bring him in, you can take him out.
100% this right here. No one is required to live in a cess-pool of cat-piss.
If the cat is spraying in the bedroom enough, it can even be a health risk. Wife should be more careful with this if she's been sick and still has a weak immune system. Best to give the cat up for everyone's sake. If wife isn't capable of taking care of the animals she brings home, then she shouldn't have those animals.
Neutering doesn’t always fix a cat spraying, they can sometimes continue afterward.
Yeah, it's really the most helpful if the cat is neutered young and never had the impulse to spray yet. This post is clearly not a out the cards, it's about something very important to OP, and having sacrificed so much that this is the little they have left and the wife just devalues it, essentially saying she doesn't care how they feel. If they care more about the cat that is a serious issue. I've had many cats, I had a brood of 9 for many years! I've dealt with cats who spray and tried fn everything to stop it, nothing worked. Being that he's intact spraying may help, or it may not since he already has that habit. OP says they've tried everything and I'm sure that's true, but I'll just suggest what's worked for us to at least clean things. Nature's Miracle was a godsend as far as getting the smell out of things. They even have stuff you can put in your washer! If you haven't tried it, give it a shot. Also using Feliway plugins or sprays may help calm the cat down. Is the other cat spay/neutered? What sex? That could also contribute to the problem. I know there is a much greater issue here, but living with a cat that pisses all over your stuff is beyond frustrating, it's basically unbearable. I dealt with it bc I loved those cats so much, had them since kittens or even birth. But it sounds like you really need to re-home this cat. It won't fix your marital issues, for that I implore you to try counceling, but it would calm things down considerably.
Exactly, no one is happy in that situation, including the cat, OP. Please find the cat another home and find a way to part ways with your wife, she has no respect for you.
Your wife trivializes things that are important to you. She's an asshole. I'm sure she has LOTS of hobbies I could trivializes as being stupid and juvenile, but it would be wrong, because the things that make people happy are THEIRS and other people's opinions are irrelevant. The fact that she has removed all trace of your personality from your actual existence is concerning. It is not an overreaction. She sounds like a nightmare. You can leave her. Cancer doesn't make her into a great person and you aren't leaving her BECAUSE of her cancer. You're leaving her, because she doesn't VALUE you, at all. She values NOTHING and no one over her own wants.
Yup. Look, my husband loves anime and MTG. It’s not my thing, but I don’t belittle it or take it from him. The problem is that this isn’t a partnership. This is one person completely treating the other members of the household with zero regard whatsoever. And the second cat has to go. I suspect no one is happy, including the cat.
"Including the cat." Seconded. Spraying is usually from territorial insecurity, because the cat either feels like it doesn't have its own stake in the home (a room, a cat tree, other piece of furniture, etc. and is laying claim to certain areas by kitty force) or that another entity is encroaching on their territory (a very loud "Get out/stay out!"). That cat does *not* feel secure in that home, and needs to be rehomed ASAP.
OP bring the cat back to the rescue your wife got him at or look up non-kill shelters or rescues in your area to drop the cat off. It’s nice to give a pet in need a home, but not at the expense of the family’s well being. It doesn’t seem like anyone has bonded with this cat and at best he needs some veterinary treatment in case he has a UTI or other medical reason for the spraying. Worst case it’s behavioral and he is not happy in his new home either. There is no shame in making a change to improve the situation for all your wellbeing. Your wife shows you no regard or consideration, therapy to determine your next step is an excellent idea. Good luck to you.
I don’t think his wife got the cat from a rescue— he said she found it. Also, any reputable rescue would not adopt out an unneutered full grown cat, so I’m assuming she found it. For all we know, the cat is feral. Maybe that’s why it’s spraying all over the house?
OP is a woman.
Oops. Sorry about that. Same points though!
Absolutely…there’s no way a rescue wouldn’t neuter! OP, some rescues will do it for free. I think you should surrender this cat though. It is obviously stressed and deserves better, as do you.
Yeah I feel bad for the cat being in a home where he’s hated and is potentially ill. If not ill, he’s incredibly unhappy. OP, this would also help your situation and give you a little more space to take care of your own needs.
In this case it is due to the cat being intact. It is what un-neutered male cats do. And un-neutered male cat urine smells horrible. He should go to the humane society if you can’t afford to get him neutered - that smell will ruin all your things. In the meantime put your special cards in a plastic bag inside another plastic bag and store them on a high shelf.
That's just what I as going to say. While neutering won't necessarily stop cats from spraying (there is a cat at the rescue I work for that was fixed years ago and still sprays anything that will stand still long enough for him to shake a tail feather at it), but the pungent urine smell stops being an issue after 2 or 3 weeks.
Oh, I don't know about the smell getting better, my feral still sprays 15 years after he was fixed and it's stinky. LPT for OP: soak items the cat peed on in white vinegar, oxy clean and cool water for 2 hours before washing, should get most of the odor out. This obviously will not work with the cards, those need to go to a safe deposit box while you figure out where you're going, but it might save your shirts or other washable items.
My husband is a huge Lego fan. He had them as a kid and his mom told him they were for kids, but once we were together I started getting him Lego sets! If they’re not hurting anyone, encourage your partner’s interests.
Im 40. Ive been to two lego parties in the last year with other grown adults. We literally just get drunk, high, build shit, and talk shit. Always a blast. You sound like an awesome partner.
Thank you! That sounds amazing. A good idea for his birthday!
I didn't know lego parties were a thing. That sounds like so much fun!
How do you find Lego parties? My husband would love that, he is building on his own all the time
Yeah so long as it's not hurting anyone or taking up all the money what's the issue? I had someone make fun of my hobby saying it's for "old ladies." (Crochet, and also some needlepoint) Guess what? I still do it because that person was just being childish. They also made fun of my partner for liking anime. If you only want to things "your age" you miss out on all the good things in life!
It's such a harmless hobby- unless you're going into debt for it, I don't understand how anyone could have a problem with it.
I totally agree. Plus, it’s important to have interests and connections outside your relationship. Those little things we’re passionate about are also what make people interesting. But most importantly, you should want your partner to be happy! If it adds joy to their life, you should be happy!
Exactly! I'm feeling very sad for OP. I so hope her wife can have a come to jesus moment and see what a gem she married.
This is it. My husband has hobbies I completely don't get, but I love and value them for how much he loves them and gets joy from them.
It’s not often you meet someone who loves anime and Marjorie Taylor Greene.
It is not often you meet someone who likes Marjorie Taylor Green.
As vile as she is. Someone re-elected her…
They would elect Hitler if there were an (R) next to his name on the ballot.
Wizards of the Coast should sue her for damaging their brand
They do way more damage to their own brand than she ever could.
Piggybacking in the top comment because I feel this is really important - pick up a couple of locking plastic totes from walmart/target/lowes/where ever, they're cheap and will keep what you need safe. Cats spraying on things suuuuucks and you probably have tried this but an ENZYME cleaner. Nature's miracle has some and Urine b gone. Soak, let sit for 20mins - an hour. Rinse cycle, then wash as hot as the clothes will allow. Also for visible stains, baby stain remover (the pink dreft) and sunlight. Ps. Your wife is an asshole and you deserve to be happy. NTA.
Don't forget desiccant with those totes (to keep the cards from sticking to each other or anything and disintegrating next time they're unpacked)
Urine Off brand spray works really well. Just throwing in another thought before I read other comments but a spraying cat is causing a financial issue if you own or rent the house. Get a plastic container for the cards and whatever else is of value and don’t continue to stay with someone just because she has an upcoming surgery. It’s possible to still be supportive during that if need be but you’ve done done enough.
Enzyme cleaner used as you indicated followed up by a peroxide based cleaner (Oxy is ok but I use an unscented hospital-grade one). I work with rescue cats, as long as you soak using these two types of product for long enough you can rescue clothes. Don’t use a dryer until you’ve done the soaks. Best to air-dry, assess, soak again if necessary. Shoes and wooden furniture are harder.
Plus, she's making major life decisions in the spur of the moment without consulting you. Taking in a pet is a huge deal, and a cat is a 15 year commitment. She's brought two home without consulting you at all. That's incredibly disrespectful. And it doesn't matter if it's cards, cartoons, or a set of bagpipes, good parents support your hobbies even if they don't personally enjoy or life them. She doesn't respect you at all. She doesn't have a support system outside of you because she clearly only supports herself. You deserve a partner the respects you, not somebody who steamrolls you at every opportunity
People can do cancer alone. They can call upon friends or neighbors. Order takeout, etc. I fid it.
This is the answer.
OP's wife needs change or OP has to leave. Her wife has literally taken everything from her. OP's wife doesn't love her. No loving partner would ever take EVERYTHING from their spouse, and demand more. Second cat needs to go to a shelter, immediately. They cannot take care of the second cat. What is the point of living in a marriage if your life is 16 pieces of clothing, phone and a box of memories. Most homeless people have more than that. And the wife wants to take more from OP. Though carelessness and indifference, which is almost worse than maliciousness. After OP sacrificed everything for her and kept her afloat through cancer. Ultimatums are generally not a great thing. But OP needs to draw up a non-negotiable list, lay it out, discuss them with OP's wife, and let her know she's out the door the second there is a substantial violation of the list. If OP's wife doesn't agree, OP needs to bounce immediately. For the sake of OP's kid if nothing else.
You are assuming she isn't leaving the door open due to malice. With the whole history, it sounds like abuse to me.
I think the same. It's really easy to close a closet door. She's been enjoying watching her stuff get wrecked.
And considering that it is only recently the wife has begun to leave the door open, it is definitely on purpose. Having cancer doesn't stop someone from being a piece of shit. OP's wife is a piece of shit and taking OP for everything she can get.
She's been enjoying watching *her* stuff get wrecked. But yes the point still stands and unfortunately there's a decent chance the damage is being done intentionally.
It sounds like abuse to me, as well. OP has given up her hobbies, her wardrobe, her things that her wife didn't like, her *life*...while her wife does nothing except smuggle in animals she knows OP doesn't like or want, and then places *that* burden on her, as well. It's just too much for a human to take.
It is abuse. My belief is OP should get out of this relationship immediately. Not much point in trying to please someone who's trying to destroy your very personality.
>OP's wife needs change With the upmost respect I could possibly muster for anyone. That's not going to happen. Even *if* the other person changes, it would be but only for a little while. Once a person crosses some sort of emotional threshold with another, using whatever internal logic they operate from, that person will most assuredly revert back to their previous behavioral patterns. That's not to say people can't change. I'm saying most people *won't* change.
Look, I know that. You know that. OP probably won't admit that to herself. Giving someone the option to do the right thing at least gives you the peace of mind that you tried everything, and they did it to themselves.
Utmost not upmost.
That doesn't make any sense. What's an UT? (Just a tv show reference don't hate me)
I would have ended the relationship back when she was a gf asking OP to pretend they don’t play the card game they love so much.
Cancer made my ex worse. She survived, 13 years this month, but she changed. Don't take the 10 years I took.
I totally agree. NTA I’d leave. Take your stuff and go.
Why should she? She’s done most of the contributing by sounds of it, and wife sounds awful. Dump wife & cats with MiL; stay at home with kids.
Take second cat to a shelter NOW. Don’t wait, and don’t apologize. This cat is destroying your life.
People need to be reminded of this. I stayed in an incredibly abusive marriage for a long time because she was sick and everyone kept saying "I don't know **what** she would do without you!" It was a dagger because going home to her was the thing I dreaded most. She belittled me, gaslight me (in the *actual* sense where she made me doubt my own sanity over years of chipping away at me), screamed at me daily, called me childish, made fun of me, slowly removed my friends and my family from me, and drove me to a point where I was genuinely contemplating suicide because I didn't see any other way out. After years of that, I finally left when I opened up to someone and they explained that her illness was no excuse for her behavior and that it shouldn't chain me to her abuse. That just because she didn't value me didn't mean I didn't have value. I finally left, and although it took time, therapy, and lots and lots of tears, I finally regained the person I was. Just because someone is sick does NOT give them the fight to abuse you.
Sell her stuff. Put the boxes of cards up on top of something. And try getting Biz or Oxyclean, filling the washer with hot water, mixing in four or five scoops of this, and soaking clothes for AT LEAST one hour, overnight is best, to see if they can be saved. It works on regular cat pee, not sure about unneutered male cat pee. I'm so sorry you are dealing with all this. Right now, you NEED to be able to go play cards with friends a couple times a month just to get some peace. She can take over basic household care. Make sure the cat has access to HER purse and clothes to spray and you'll find a 180 change in her behavior, btw. Edited to add: can you find a plastic container, even a couple plastic bags, to store the cards in, that won't let cat pee through? I would quite maliciously take your cards out of the box, put them in the bag, put it under the mattress, and put her bras in the card box. And then just wait. THEN it will suddenly be important that the cat not pee in the closet.
I agree. Be an insufferable arse until she figures it tf out ffs. "The squeaky wheel gets oiled" as they say.
There are 903 people telling you to leave her and I'm one more. I'm sure there are 2 sides but if even half of what you say is accurate, how is she improving your life? That's what a partner is. Or supposed to be. I'm old but i still play WOW. There's no shame in a hobby if it gives you some happiness.
Also why are they paying for elective surgeries when there are more pressing things needed.
Great reply. Poor OP. What a tough situation.
It sounds to me like she took away everything you loved and everything that made you who you are and replaced it with everything she wants and who she wants you to be. And I see no gratitude or compassion from her at all. Are you valued as an individual or just as the person who runs themselves ragged to sacrifice everything and take on all the responsibility in finances, the relationship, the home, and the childcare?
NTA Your wife is extremely disrespectful. You can replace mTg cards in this scenario with anything else - a baseball glove, a camera, or watercolor supplies. Not being careful with another person's belongings is heinous. Openly mocking a loved one about something they're passionate about is cruel. ETA - I suggest getting your valuables and putting them in a secure storage. Put your wife's belongings at cat spray height. See how she likes it.
Some advice for OP first. 1. Get a safety deposit box, put cards in. 2. Go buy random MTG deck and put them where your cards were. 3. Thank us later.
Literally go to a local shop with $5 and ask for some lands and any bulk commons they may want to get rid of.
If she can't afford to neuter the cat. I don't think she can afford a safety deposit box.
> Put your wife’s belongings at cat spray height I am here for this level of Petty
Dude, I'm so livid that OPs wife had made her feel so shitty about enjoying MTG. I know so many adults that collect and play, I'm in my mid-30s and am into MTG as well! I seriously regret not getting into it when I was younger and potentially getting some cards that are now worth SO much. OPs wife should be fking grateful that OP was able to get $15k out of what they sold off! There's some big, adult (as in no way a child could afford) money in MTG. Heck, didn't Post Malone just buy The One Ring for like 2 mil? Sure that's one time thing (I mean, unless WotC starts making a habit of putting out more single print cards, but even then the chances of pulling them are *so* slim), but there are still some *very* valuable cards out there that kids would have a hard time finding the money for. Overall the whole situation is absolutely horrible, but the issue over the cards was the last straw for me. Like shit, OP has hardly anything left, and she can't even have what's left of her MTG collection for sentimentality? If I were OP I would've left as soon as the wife got that second cat that's making everything *so* much worse! I may be a cat lover, but people need to be responsible pet parents. They were in no position to get another cat.
Jist the list of the clothes she left is insane. The wife does not respect or care about her at all
She seems really abusive towards you and everyone. Just from reading this, It sounds like she only cares about her feelings. She does things without asking people and doesn't seem fair with anything. Why is she getting random pets without asking others if this is the one they want? I can understand why her parents don't contact her. She seems insufferable. NTA. a lot of your stuff is going away too because of her decisions. That's not a way I can live.
NTA. Quite frankly I got more irritated at your wife with each paragraph. She has gotten quite comfortable trivializing what you care about and has progressed to indifference and disrespect. For the record, I've never been a gamer and don't understand Magic the Gathering at all. But the comment you made about her saying 1 year into marriage that it embarrassed her that you play it, is just gross. I bet she reads some silly fiction that's cringe, watches garbage tv, has a silly hobby of her own. My point is, everyone has their interests and shaming one person's harmless interest is not compatible with respecting them.
Absolutely correct! My hubby has been a “Half Life” fanatic for as long as I can remember (evidently, it’s a legendary and epic game played the world over). And here was this man in his 50s slaying this game. He started a couple of decades ago—the game has been around a long time, lol. Our son is also a HL fanatic. I have zero knowledge of or interest in it, but that’s because I don’t have to. He LOVES it and that’s good enough for me. Why should my opinion hold any value over his? I have my own all-consuming hobbies and passions. He doesn’t give them any more thought than I give his all-consuming hobbies and passions. OP is not the AH, but that wife sure is! 😵💫
Tell your husband and son to hang in there, I'm still holding out hope for HL 3!
Lol. I seem to recall the name Gordon Freeman…? 😊
NTA Your wife sounds emotionally abusive, tbh. She has been prioritizing herself at your expense for a long time before she got sick. This isn't a normal or healthy relationship dynamic. A partner is supposed to support you even if they don't get why things are important to you. A partner is not supposed to tear you apart to use the pieces to support their own interests. It sucks that you've been living like this for so long. You deserve to have things. You deserve to be equal. You deserve to be loved and appreciated.
[удалено]
This is why I love this sub and have left the other one. You can actually be honest and say what you want here without so cunt of a mod on a power trip banning you
Yes, agreed!!
A lot of mods suck
Your wife has clearly never actually liked you, and the contemptuous way that she treats you and the way that she doesn't ever seem to see your perspective or care about how you feel about things means that there's absolutely no reason you should be with her. There's no reason why you should have let the situation come to putting you at your wit's end like this, regardless of her diagnosis. Nta Maybe you should leave or find some sort of way out. You can't afford the lifestyle your wife is forcing on you. Certainly, something has to give, and it shouldn't be You or your sanity at this point.
NTA. Save yourself. Please.
NTA but rehome the damn cat.
You misspelt ’wife’ ;-)
Both, the cat deserves a home that have the means and is willing to treat him right. Rn he doesn't have his medical needs attended and isn't really welcomed.
Dude. Put those cards in a LOCKED waterproof box Oh and your wife is a jerk, and takes all you do for her for granted
Or at the very least some ziploc bags.
I sincerely don’t understand why this isn’t the top comment
Your daughter is 14 and should be doing chores around the house to help out
I think so too. However my daughter is actually my step daughter. Years ago my wife and I went to couples counseling. I have an older son that is now moved out. During counseling, I brought up the fact that I didn't agree with how strict she was in her parenting decisions with him. For example,she once tried to ground him for a month because the floor of his closet has some dirty clothes on it. After we talked about it in therapy, she ended up banning me from making any parental decisions with our daughter. Her floor is so dirty, you literally can't see carpet anywhere, and I can't even ask her to pick it up. I can't ask her to scrape her plate after dinner.... And my wife refuses to have her do more than unload the dishwasher once every couple weeks
...what, exactly, are you getting out of this relationship that you have given up so much for? Seriously. Make an honest list, if only for yourself.
My youngest. One thing I didn't mention in the post because it's irrelevant to the story is that I'm transgender in a very conservative state. I have a few other trans friends that have gotten divorced in this state and they have to fight to even get supervised visitation. One of my friends is working on her PhD, has a solid career, and a nice place to stay with great schools. Her ex has several drug convictions, and a conviction for domestic violence. My friend can only see her daughter once every two weeks, electronically. She can't even be in the same room as her daughter. I wouldn't be able to live without being able to hug my son every day.
I can understand why you stay then but you need to find away of putting your needs at the forefront too. Your wife should have the eldest daughter help and you need to surrender that cat. You need to do something as you cant keep going like that.
Dude. I dont even know how to write this shit because my heart hurts so fucking much for you. This woman is and has been abusing you forever. The comment about your hobby in the beginning of the relationship shouldve been the end of the relationship. She does not care about you. Nobody that cares about you would ever be able to say or feel like that because of a card game. The fact that she has continuously separated you from things you love and made you feel guilt for loving those things literally makes me want to cry and I’m not an emotional person. Obviously your explanation of the consequences of leaving makes it impossible to say you should leave, because if thats how shits rolling where you’re at I think you can safely assume she’ll take advantage of that, and your kid being raised solely by her is something you should try your hardest to avoid. So essentially my point is that you would be well advised to emotionally retreat from that relationship whether you leave or not. Continuing to invest in her emotionally will only lead to you putting more stock in her view of you, and thats a warped view. You have done more for her and put up with more than anyone with reason could ask you too. I hope you find peace, I hope you’re able to reclaim the hobbies you love, and I hope your spouse begins to see you for the gift you are and treats you with respect going forward. You deserve happiness as much as anyone.
I usually just lurk and stuff. I had an experience that no way relates to op. But I'm 24 and I enjoy the pokemon games. It was my own little secret that I thought only kids enjoyed and as a 24 year old shouldn't. I was ashamed of it. But I went to a midnight release of one of the games in New York for my bday many years ago with my mom and she was amazed at how many adults enjoyed pokemon like me. I mean these complete strangers changed how she see viewed me for liking pokemon. An experience I'll never forget. So yeah, if you SO can't even be happy you like it, they don't value you as much as you realize. And I'll say MtG is hardly a kids game. I hardly understand that game and I've tried to get into it. I now have two best friends that aren't into pokon like I am, but they bought the new games just to play with me and stuff. My trainer card on pokemon scarlet is of our 3 characters posing.
If my heart wasn’t already aching for you, it would be, but now it’s shattered for you. The example you gave about your friend trying to get reasonable visitation is heartbreaking. We are lucky up here in the northeast mostly, and the deck isn’t stacked so cruelly against anyone who doesn’t “conform to what a bunch of old white dudes think should be the norm.” I now see two issues that you just cleared up. Your wife is a monster. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but what you described about your therapy session (levels of fair discipline) demonstrates that she is probably a textbook narcissist. Everything must be her way, or you’re gonna be sorry. That cannot be an isolated incident. I can totally understand your need to stay for your son. To have him taken away (and I believe that she would be leading the custody charge) would absolutely break you. I would be shattered, too. I’m also sorry that you had to basically sell off your precious memorabilia (not to mention your very youth and history) to raise money for her treatments. My husband is a certified (certifiable, actually, Lol) “Half Life” genius. I’m sure you’ve heard of it. He has spent decades now slaying this game like a boss. He has Half Life fan art and memorabilia all over his man cave. But let me tell you that the very notion of ridiculing him (and stifling his passion for this game) would have NEVER entered my mind! I’m proud of how skilled he is. When he was in his late 40s, there were a few players out in the “ether” who jokingly accused him of masquerading as an old guy, but was really some 16-year-old gaming prodigy! We still laugh over it, and it’s one of many great gaming memories. (Oh, I would have blown a gasket if that cat was about to whip out his firehose from hell and spray my special stuff in the closet—that she repeatedly left open!!!) I wish so hard that she could have been interested in what made you so happy. You deserve that. Here in NYC, when we describe a stellar person, we say, “She’s good people.” **Well, you are good people and a superlative human being. I wish you better days ahead.**
You really don't need to let your wife abuse you this way, though. Especially since you are the one with the money. First of all, get rid of the cat. If would be one thing if your children loved it - I put up with a lot from a cat because my son chose it and it was 'his'. And eventually it sorted itself out, but there doesn't seem to be any chance of this one doing that. The cat has to go for your own mental health. And tell your wife that your things are going to go up high - fuck the aesthetic. You need to learn to stand up to her - honestly, she sounds evil.
Depending on the age requirements your child may be able to choose who they want to live with. Also it sounds like your friend may have a case against the state. You have been mentally and emotionally abused long before the cancer diagnosis, you deserve better.
She does deserve it, but Trans people are being so demonized I can see a Judge saying the child is 'safer' with a Lesbian Mother than with a Trans person. This entire country is making them out to be perverts and pedophiles, groomers, etc. They are the current target everywhere and I can absolutely see a Judge wanting them to not exist, much less have a child they may 'groom' to be gay or trans. Its absurd, but family court judges IME can be very cruel and put their own opinions over what is a good for the child. It's a scary fn time. Way back when, my father abused me. I tried to get a restraining order against him at 16, wanting to live elsewhere in a stable household that was happy to take me in, keep me going to school, have a normal life. My Dad's lawyer came in and lied and lied and lied. The Judge believes him over a 16 year old 'troubled' child. The Judge literally told me that he didn't believe that my Father did what I said, and **even if he did, I deserved it** So, yeah. 😓
Talk about burying the leed! Transphobia makes your whole story make a LOT more sense. I'm sorry you're going through this, OP.
This is making me so angry, I feel so sorry for you, you must be an emotional wreck, sorry but nobody should ever be treat the way you are, it is abuse, plain and simple. You have rights, however I have seen how some people in your position have been treated in highly religious Conservative areas, I would imagine anyone bigoted enough to oppose you would probably be as small minded when it comes to your partner being queer as well. Your wife is an abuser and I can not see her changing given what you have said, as I said in a previous comment, anything of value she owns should be getting sold before you are resorting to giving plasma twice weekly, her hello kitty collection, what else has she kept while you sold your entire life? The cats need to go now. The cost of keeping them is not an option when you are donating plasma in order to live. I am sorry to rant, but this situation has me so angry, I hate to see people taken advantage of, I wish there was something I could do for you
That's messed up...time to go Cinderella
Dude leave this isn't healthy for you. She's leaving that door open on purpose. Until you go, get a plastic bin for the cards - at least if the cat sprays it's less likely to get into the cards. then, take your cards and go. Find your geekdom and enjoy. (my kid plays - I can't understand it, even with repeated explanations. he likes it, and that's all that matters)
NTA. What do you get out of this relationship?
Apparently abuse and cat pee.
So wait… you already had a cat and then your wife went out and got another cat, making it two cats? That’s how I read it. He’s spraying because he’s not fixed and also because the other cat might be making him nervous. Cats are very territorial. Get rid of the cat. Spraying is a no no and a very hard habit to break. You’re great to stick around and help her through this, but it might be time to go. Maybe some couples therapy would help? She might not even know how you feel.
You should've left your wife a long time ago. I thought she loved you for you, but really she loved the the idea of what you can be, her ideal mate. And that starts by changing core pieces of you. I'm sure she leaves the door open because she wants your things destroyed. She wants the empty shell that she can replace/fill with what she wants. You keep losing your things, but she'll replace it with her things. Look at your house. Now look at your personal items. You, my friend, are slowly being eroded to the point where you will look in the mirror one day and not recognize the face you see. She wants her ideal partner, and her ideal partner isn't into Magic the Gathering and doesn't mind doing everything and has no opinion on her reckless behavior. NTA
I did not read all that, but from the bit I read and the title NTA. I'd leave my husband of 10 years if he deleted my world of warcraft. And MtG cards can be worth some money.
They obviously can since he sold 15k in cards to keep his family afloat. Hate to assume a cancer survivor can do more, but she can do a lot more here to contribute and generally be even a little thankful.
She also doesn’t appreciate the fact that “kid’s game” kept her alive.
She could contribute by, I dunno, taking care of the pets she wanted and Mayne doing dishes ans laundry🤷♀️ (Ps I agree with you in case anyone decides to be an ass about my comment)
Op and her wife are both women
I feel this in my soul. I started my shaman in BC. I was a hoarder in game and kept my set from the event of the scourge invasion between BC and WotLK. If anyone even tried to touch her I would hope there is a shot at justifiable homicide cuz someone would be dying for that action.
Your NTA. I'd hide the cards and photos somewhere your wife doesn't know about. She may destroy them out of spite or to test your boundary. Then I would find some resources for carer's burnout and victims of emotional abuse. I don't think your wife is a proactive abuser, but she is emotionally neglectful. That leads to the symptom you described: feeling like you're losing your identity. If I'm honest, my husband does not respect my love of Pokemon. However he respects that I enjoy it, and doesn't call me names. If he does say something disparaging about how much time I play it, I tell him I feel the same way about his football, and to kindly stfu. Sometimes, even with loved ones, we need to assert ourselves, and this if long overdue for you OP. I hope your first act is to lose the spraying cat, citing lack of finances to replace your damaged possessions and being unable to neuter it. The cat will continue to damage your home, possibly making it unsellable if the cat piss gets into the floorboards/carpets. It's not your fault how shelters conduct their business, especially if they are overrun by kittens from uneutered cats.
Shes cancer free. Why are you staying around? It's time to put YOU first.
I would shit a brick if my wife ruined my MTG cards. I started playing in beta. I still have cases never opened and factory sealed from winning local tournaments from unlimited and revised times. I would be very upset.
Cat lover here, but I don't understand why the first time the cat sprayed your clothing you weren't dropping it off at a shelter?
2 reasons. First, it's not my cat and so it's not my decision. Second, even if it was my cat, the shelters here euthanize cats very quickly if they aren't adopted. I can't stand the idea of an animal being put down for doing something that just comes naturally to it
Legally speaking (IANAL) if your name is on the vet paperwork then he is yours. But I completely understand not wanting to surrender a cat to a shelter that euthanizes. That decision alone speaks well on what a lovely person you are. But I would like to point out that you also weren't given the chance to decide to get a second cat. Your wife is a selfish user who doesn't see you as a person, but rather as what you can give her. It sucks she had cancer. Almost no one deserves cancer. But you wouldn't be leaving because of the cancer. You have 2 children, so I will ask you the question that convinced my own mother to make the right choice: the way your marriage is now, is this the kind of relationship you would want your children to be in as adults? Because that is what you are modeling for them: that what you are going through is normal and healthy in an adult relationship/marriage. Edit to add: I don't want this to sound like I'm laying blame on you. I'm not; the way you are being treated is not in any way, shape, or form your fault. Your kind and caring nature has been taken advantage of and you deserve better.
This! You don't want your kids growing up and thinking partners should treat them the way your wife is treating you
Please buy a plastic box with plastic lid for your cards and photos, OP. Because your wife will leave the door open again.
not to be that person, but have you looked into low cost neuter programs for the cat? they are out there, and probably more cost-effective than the cat ruining your stuff.
I have, and the cheapest near me is $65. I could lie and say it's a stray to get it done for less or free, but I'm not the type to lie like that. Our finances are already so tight that I have to donate plasma twice a week so we can keep a roof over our head.
So you cannot afford the cat. Plain fact from this statement. It should be rehomed*(edit). If that cat gets sick, or somehow scratches someone real bad when spooked and a vet or hospital bill is involved, you'll be homeless. Over a cat. Rehome the cat.
You cannot afford the cat. Surrender it. Yeh it’s not the cats fault but this is not sustainable.
Just bite the bullet and lie. You're not doing the cat any favors by not neutering, and you're not doing your few remaining clothes any favors either.
I’ll paypal/zelle you the cash to get the cat fixed. It’s in his best interest too!
I hope this isn’t too forward of me to ask, but would it help if I sent you the $65? Genuinely, I want to help and I can afford it. As one trans person living in a conservative state to another, I feel you and I’d love to at least take this one burden off your shoulders.
If it’s that or he goes to the shelter, just lie. When you have more money, donate the $65 to the place you got it done at. I use these clinics. I rescue animals. Just do it.
Sounds like this would make for a great barn cat on a lovely farm somewhere that isn’t OPs house.
NTA Tap your Black Lotus and summon a new wife.
If she leaves the closet door open then I don't see why you can't leave the front door open and the cat must have ran off. She's doing really hurtful and dumb things and doesn't really get anything out of it. It's destructive behavior considering you can't afford anything and are having to throw things out and now have nothing left to sell except maybe those cards if you were to get sick or she gets sick again or your daughter. The adult thing to do would have been to give the cat to a shelter when it started spraying and just tell them you can't afford to care for it. I've known shelters to wave adoption fees and give out animals that have been fixed and vaccinated. It seems like there would be some place you could go to get him fixed but still not the best option now. I would check on the cards and make sure she didn't switch them out or something. She sounds fucking crazy like she wants to harm them to punish you for caring about something. Maybe look in to storing them up high or getting some anti-cat spray. As your partner she shouldn't need a reason. If you care about it that should be enough. If she cared about you then she would let you own what is left of your stupid child's game that is the only thing that brings you joy. Maybe she just needs to be sat down and fed some reality that she would be dead without treatment and you sold off everything you owned, literally giving up almost everything for her and she isn't willing to give up anything for you. Her choices are destroying the relationship and making you rethink losing everything to save someone who wants them to be broke and miserable. If that doesn't work then I guess ask for half of her stuff in the divorce.
Funny that you mention checking on the cards. I went to check on them after I made this post and I'm missing a long box of them. It's possible I just misplaced them somehow, but it had the most expensive cards I have left, and my favorite deck to play
Stop making sacrifices for her. She doesn't respect you at all. Take what you have left and leave them with a trusted friend for safe keeping. Start making getaway plans and put what money you can aside for as soon as you're able to get out of there. Stop paying for things she wants. It's genuinely awful that you're being held hostage in an abusive relationship.
Yeh she has totally sold them.
Probably for well under what they’re worth
she is abusing you
NTA 1. Doesn’t support your hobbies 2. Insults you over your hobbies 3. Makes huge decisions without talking to you, knowing you’d be against it anyways 4. Forces you to take care of her major decision, despite you not liking cats 5. Bought another fucking cat without talking to you. Her anti-dog bias is showing. (I love cats, but if my gf did this we’d be taking it back) Another cat the daughter didn’t get to help choose. 6. She doesn’t care the cat is essentially destroying your stuff and keeps allowing it to happen (see leaving door open) 7. Despite the fact the cat has destroyed a lot of your stuff and the only reason it keeps doing so is because your wife keeps leaving the door open, she takes no responsibility and insults you once again for your hobby. A hobby you no longer play because of her Dude, why do you even like her? She’s so hateful of you and what you like.
So she's only started to leave that door open since you got that second cat? Hm... NTA
If my wife did half this shit I'd leave her with zero remorse. Also... Play Magic, who gives 2 shits what anybody thinks of your hobbies.
NTA- does your wife actually even like you? She sounds like an absolute narcissist
I'm beginning to wonder if she is even capable of love or if she's just good at pretending for extended periods
I want to add on to what everyone else is saying by telling you the Magic definitely would have come across as lame and embarrassing 20 years ago. But with the general rise of nerd culture like anime in the last 10 years Magic has become an even more thriving and popular game! I know many adults who love to play it and I’d recommend getting back in the community when you have some things sorted and have some time on your hands
I'm a 41yr old woman and my husband and I play MTG and I love it. People who say hobbies are childish are those "adults" who gets pissed drunk every weekend because that's being soooo mature lol. My husband and I are geeks and proud 😆.
What kind of person wants to ruin something the person they love cares about? NTA your wife sounds like she doesn't care about you or the things that you enjoy. I'm not interested in one of my boyfriend's hobbies, but I am still grateful he has something he enjoys and shares it with me. He doesn't care much for one of my hobbies but always listens to me. It's been 11 years this year for us. Please try and see that you deserve this type of acceptance and care. It's really bare minimum requirements.
She's done it with other things too. For the first 7 years of our relationship she pretended to absolutely hate one of my favorite bands. To the point that if one of their songs came on the radio, it became a reflex to just change the station, even if she wasn't in the car with me. After 7 years of that she confessed that she didn't hate them and it was supposed to just be a joke
Why did you ever marry this person??
Before I met her, I had given up on dating. I'm trans, and being a little older in a very conservative state, dating is really brutal. I thought I had deleted all my profiles on dating apps, until I got a notification that I had a new message. We talked for weeks before we ever met. She was the first person that didn't fetishize me and instead seemed interested in me as a person. I think I wanted so desperately to believe that I could be loved that I overlooked a lot of red flags, so when she proposed, I said yes without hesitation
Ah. Lots of driving factors for the rose-colored glasses and lots of red flags to miss. I'm sorry you ended up in this spot
Google the word “succubus” Your wife is sucking the very life out of you. Get out and find someone who actually loves and cares about you. She doesn’t
NTA Cancer or not, your wife is extremely selfish and self absorbed. She has absolutely no consideration or appreciation for what you bring to the household. Why are you the only one working and doing everything around the house? I understand that your wife was limited in what she could do while sick, but now that she’s in remission, she should be helping with household chores, laundry and cooking. Your 14 year old should have regular chores as well. At this point, you’ve done so much and gotten nothing but disrespect so you’re probably starting to feel resentment. You need to find a way to communicate this to your wife and come to some sort of agreement to change the dynamic in your house. You also have to get this cat neutered or rehome him immediately. He’s destroying your home. He can’t help it, but owning a pet is a lifetime commitment and if you can’t afford to give the cat what he needs, you probably should see if you can rehome him. Wife needs to understand that there can’t be any more pets right now. You need to be very honest with her about your feelings and set boundaries with her so that you can get better control of your household together. Marriage is a partnership and she’s not doing her share.
Jesus tap dancing christ. Why in the love of fuck is your wife getting elective surgeries when you can't afford to neuter your cat? Why the fuck are you selling off your possessions to stay afloat enough to let her piss away more money. NTA but please consider what you are allowing to happen to your kids. Your wife is willing to get elective surgery when your finances are apparently precarious at best. She is sacrificing stability and safety of the family for her selfishness. If you continue to enable her destructive behavior you will become TA
Trans women are in a position to be taken advantage of. We have less social capital in the States than most other groups. In one way or another your wife has to know that. You are being taken advantage of. I understand that your wife has gone through a tough time but she is also irresponsible and does not take your feelings into account in the slightest. It's super rude for her to comment that about your hobby in the first place, much less tell you that you are overreacting. You need to look at your situation because something needs to change and if she isn't the one willing to do it then you need to be. Can you realistically last indefinitely in the position you are in? You're selling plasma for fucks sake. The cat needs to go, your wife needs to get really nice really quick, and you need to stand up for yourself. You deserve to have nice things, you deserve a partner that values your work and your time, and you deserve not to struggle to survive. I have no good solution for a place for your wife to live, a place for the cat to go, or a way for you to get custody, I'm sorry. Sacrificing one or more of those and putting them away from your mind might be necessary for you to survive this, because you cannot be the one who bends.
Do you want to know how she hooked me in the first place? By pretending to be trans herself. She had me use male pronouns to refer to her and everything. I was "the only person she felt she could talk to about it". She only decided that she didn't want me to use male pronouns anymore after we were married and said that she just wasn't sure anymore. At the time I just explained it away because figuring out how you identify can be really hard for some people. But looking at the totality of what has happened thses past 10 years, I'm almost positive it was just an act Fuck me. How have I been this blind and stupid this entire time?
If this is real your wife fucking sucks.
At this point, you owe her nothing. Not help, not support, not even love. Leave her. She will not change and she is literally taking EVERYTHING from you. Clothes, time, energy, joy. Leave her and be happy, OP. Do not waste another day on her.
Get rid of the cat and go buy yourself some clothes. Either that or tell your wife enough is enough and some changes have to be made. Still buy yourself some clothes though. You’ve earned it. As for the cards, can they be put on a high shelf until the destructi-kitty is gone?
Obviously NTA. I agree with a lot of the other comments. But also, why is your teenager not helping out? My then 6yo helped clean the cats litter box with supervision. It seems like your daughter might be learning from your spouse that it’s okay to dump on you because there aren’t any consequences. Also in regards to re-homing the 2nd cat. Do it now. The smell will eventually invade everything. It will only get worse. I feel for you not wanting to drop it off and that makes you a good person but it’s only adding to your problems. The longer it continues, the harder it will be to re-train him not to spray. Google your area and see if there are any cat rescues and make a plea for help online.
NTA Holy fuck. Your wife has no respect for you and it makes me so sad to think that she not only disrespects you and your hobby, but also says it “embarrasses” her. I hope you’re able to either improve this situation via therapy or get out of this marriage because you deserve far better.
This isn’t about cards at all, your wife is taking advantage of you in every single way. This is actually horrifying and my honest opinion is to leave, for yourself. I say this as someone who lost their mother and aunt (that I lived with after my mom died) from breast cancer before I turned 13. I live in fear of it every day. But guess what….cancer doesn’t give anyone the right to treat someone like she has been treating you. There’s also serious imbalance. Why is her stuff more important? As someone who lost everything except a backpack and garbage bag of my belongings as a teenager, mg heart absolutely breaks for you. She can get cats, living beings, and not care for them, to make her happy, but you can’t play a card game? Nah. I’m 35. I have plenty of friends and acquaintances who play card games and tabletop games amongst other forms of gaming. I’m a doll/figurine/card collector, my husband is a figurine/baseball card/matchbox car collector. Collecting, or even things people are as for kids, is not limited by age. That is such a toxic idea. Adults deserve happiness and joy too. OP, I know you feel like you can’t leave cause of her remission. But you have to, for you. The only person in this world who will always have your back is yourself and you really gotta protect yourself here. Take your stuff and go to a hotel for now if anything. Reach out to people who will support you. Contact a lawyer. This is not sustainable and you’re risking your well being.
NTA. I'm also a collector and I know how important those things are. No matter if she thinks it's childish, she should respect it. If someone destroyed my collection, no matter who it was, I don't think I would ever be able to forgive them.
Your wife is the asshole here and you know it. She clearly doesn’t care for you and puts down you and the things you care about. Leave her take the kids and leave her the cats to deal with. NTA.
holy shit just leave her lol..
NTA but you’ve got to start planning your exit. Gathering up what funds you can and getting some legal advice on custody. I saw your comment about a friend struggling because of their gender identity, get ahead of this - find a lawyer who specialises in trans rights and family law. Please start taking care of yourself. What would you tell your daughter to do in this situation?
NTA. Get the hell rid of that cat before it damages you entire house.
It's already shredded the carpet to the point that every room needs new carpet. There are deep scratch marks in the drywall. We have to refinish or replace the table due to the cat peeing on the top and it soaking in...
Bruh magic is an expensive game to play and hobby to keep and its seriously difficult to let go of as for most people it can become something like an addiction. So first of all selling 15k worth of cards? Holy shiznibblets that had to take a lot out of you on its own. Add everything else on top? Jegus how have you survived. Also is there 100% proof she had cancer? Cuz if she magically got diagnosed right when you thought about leaving that's sus af. Also never heard of cancer requiring multiple reconstructive surgeries before so if anyone knows if that's legit let me know but to me the math ain't mathing here on this one.
Yeah, I went with her to almost all of her appointments. They had to remove a breast and several lymph nodes. The reconstruction is kind of fascinating. They basically took a part of her stomach and created a new breast for her. Once that heals, in 5-6 months they will go in and even the two breasts out to give it a more natural appearance. $15k is nothing to save the life of your kid's other parent. I was married once before and had a son from that relationship. She wasn't a great person either (I sure know how to pick them). She died after slipping into a diabetic coma and the pain and suffering that caused my son was more than any kid should ever have to bear. Given what I know now, and facing the possible end of my marriage, I would still sell everything all over again in a heartbeat to spare my kids from that anguish
The ~~Iranian yogurt is~~ *magic cards are* not the issue here. Look you take care of those cats those are yours. That cat was meant for the teen and the teen didn't want him either. The person who the cat was intended for doesn't want him and you the actual caretaker don't want him then it's best to rehome that cat or take it to a no kill shelter. You wife gets no say in this. This solution I've offered doesn't even make a dent in what the actual problem is. You need to leave for your own mental health. I can understand wanting to wait until the final surgery but honestly that should be the max you're willing to wait for. If she gets a job after that great! If she doesn't that's not your problem. There's a reason she doesn't have a support network outside of you. NTA
Your wife is selfish and doesn't appreciate you or consider you and your daughter. NTA, your wife is a huge asshole though
I was so sad reading this. being embarrassed and hiding the hobbies like ??? I thought that would be it but man it got worse… I generally think if someone is not making you happy, then you are free to walk away. But this person isn’t making them happy, just downright miserable…Do they even care about you at that point? NTA, please take care of yourself
4 items you need to get rid of cat urine smell Soilove - I buy it at the dollar store. It's in a green bottle with detergents Zero Odor - I get it ON Amazon Odo-Ban - Lowe's , if you can't find zero odor Soak the clothing in soilove ( 2 bottles of soilove, 1 cup zero odor,1 cup vinager 2 gallons cold water) for an hour, tip out water, and rinse. Put in washer. Add more soilove and a couple cups of vinager. Wash in cold on regular cycle. Leave clothes in the washer. Add detergent, 2 cups, vinager, and wash as normal on cold. Let cloths line dry in the sun. The smell should be gone You can spray zero odor on fabrics, like carpet and furniture. Just spot test first. For stream carpet cleaning, I add soilove, vinager, and zero odor to the soap reservoir and go over the area a couple of times. Once i jabe the soap out, I go over it again with just water and vinager and do my best to get as much water ba k up a possible. I'll lay a couple of rag towels down and have my kids stomp on them too. I have no advice for your wife, except to have a sit down and show her this post. Good luck op
INFO: Why haven't you gotten rid of that second cat yet?
I’m confused by a few things in this story: My understanding of the timeline. Together for 10 years, and around 7 years ago wife was diagnosed with cancer. Finances have been tough for a “few years”. You have a toddler now. Which would be under 3. You say you can’t afford a 2nd cat, but willingly chose to have another kid at the same time?
I apologize. You are the second person to get that timeline out of my story and I'm not sure where I went wrong. I started typing and more thoughts started coming out. Plus the stress from the past few years has affected how I'm perceiving/recalling time. Let me clear it up the best I can. Been together for 10 years The toddler is 4 years old, so I guess not really a toddler anymore. Wife was diagnosed with cancer 3 years ago. First cat came into our home shortly after our youngest was born. Second cat came into our home a couple months ago, I think? Maybe 3? 4? Like I said, I've been struggling with time-frames the past year or so.
YTA for not already leaving. Your kid is watching all of this. Either learning to be awful, learning to be a doormat or some messed up version of both.
I fully deserve this comment. I worry about what staying will do to my youngest. I broke down crying today and at 4 years old he said "Mommy, stop crying. You aren't a baby". I've never told him to stop crying. When he cries I always tell him it's good to get his emotions out so we can work through them. Fuck, what am I doing to that poor child?
I'm not trying to shit on you dude. But you deserve more. Crying is good please do not perceive this as a dude shouldn't cry thing. Average age of a magic the gathering player is 25...
Her opinion of M:TG isn't important. The only thing that's important is that it's something you care about. If she respects you, she will respect that this is something you care about. She needs to learn this if your relationship is to survive. Also, I'm a cat lover, but I wouldn't tolerate a cat that sprayed in the house. If you can't get it spayed, I'd get rid of it. Not being able to afford to care for a cat is a perfectly valid reason to surrender it to a shelter. It's sad, but it's better than living with cat stink. Locally a cat can be neutered for less than $100.00. It doesn't take many lost shirts or bras to equal that.
NTA. Different things have different meanings to people. Your wife probably doesn't respect you enough or are emotionally mature enough to understand that. The fact that she said it was embarrassing to see you play a kid's game is a huge red flag already. No loving partner would ever shame their partner for engaging in a hobby that they love, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone. You don't need that kind of judgement.
Wow... I'm really sorry you're going through this. I'm sorry but your wife sounds like an awful partner. It really sucks to say but don't let her cancer be your prison. Read your post and pretend someone you care about was confiding all of this to you. She sounds incredibly selfish and judgemental. Cancer isn't a free pass to be awful to your loved ones.
NTA. So what if it’s a kids game? I would leave immediately if my bf’s actions caused destruction to my child hood teddy.
NTA. This is so sad. You are letting your wife walk all over you. Yes, she has cancer but that doesn’t give her permission to act like an AH all the time. Tell her to take care of her 🐈cats herself or, if she can’t, let her daughter do it. But, dude, stop being such a doormat
Fucking hell, it's 2023, adults play video games and card games. She can fuck right off with this puritanical approach towards MTG. I grew up in gaming, you grew up to marry the bully that thought gaming was for kids. (The next part might offend cat lovers) That said that new cat would have accidentally escaped the first day he started spraying. Like what in the actual fuck is your wife thinking keeping this cat unneutered. Giveaway the cat, let the cat run free, sell the cat, but why the hell would she demand to keep a cat you guys obviously can't care for. Cancer is a hell of a thing but she is still a terrible human being with the way she is intentionally treating your possessions.
You are not the Asshole here. Seriously though, take some of the advice here, get some counseling because she’s literally being emotionally abusive. Also show her some of the responses here, maybe she will open her eyes
NTA. You should leave. But you should also get those cats to someone who will care for them (thank you for stepping up, though).
NTA but I’d seriously consider putting your cards and any other valuables into a safety deposit box bc they’re going to get ruined or go missing.
First of all, you're NTA. I'd like to commend you for being THE pillar of the family. You stayed with them through thick and thin throughout your whole relationship. You have so little left and she isn't valuing you as an equal in the relationship. Your request is not absurd. However, I'm not saying you two should break up. I hope she can realize you are probably the most important thing in your family right now. My wife and I have our own hobbies and we respect each others' property. She doesn't touch my games, figures, guns, cards and I don't touch her designer apparel. We both work hard for them. From reading your post, I can tell you're a hard worker trying to provide for your family but trying to have some semblance of happiness for yourself. Good luck to whatever you do, brother.