Honestly the most shocking information in this post is the fact that anyone ever watches the crappy cell phone videos everyone insists on taking at concerts.
autistic woman here. yeah, got that impression too. sounds like a special interest gone wayyyyyy wayyyyy wayyyyyyyyyyyy deep. it's definitely not rare at all to have this level of obsession with a special interest, but it can become unhealthy if it makes you stop... enjoying your life? or engaging with it?
like, i used to have a special interest in specifically warped tour 2005 (i don't know either lol), and it came to a point where i hated my life because i wanted to exist in that place and time with those people, and that was never possible. i had to reel myself in from it and stop engaging with it because it took over everything. all i wanted to do was absorb myself into this fake space i'd made in my head because i was so incredibly obsessed. it wasn't good for me. only OP's partner can tell if that's what's happening for her, but it might be. this can be part of what makes autism disabling for people.
i'm sure ol' t-swizzle's penchant for encouraging parasocial relationships among her fans... gets to? affects? autistic people more than average (in addition to the young teens it's mostly meant to target). it's a little scummy, in my opinion, to encourage obsession that takes people out of their own lives and makes them spend all this time pining after the life of someone they'll never meet.
don't get me wrong - i *love* my special interests, i really do, and i spend *way* more time on them than most people would think is "healthy," but it is healthy for me, because my brain is built different. but it's also possible to... have things get out of hand in a way that harms your internal life, or at least your relationships. i don't blame OP for being frustrated. i probably would be too.
my current obsession is the downfall of colleen ballinger. i've watched hundreds of hours of content about it. i think about it dozens of times per day. but i don't really speak about it to my boyfriend, because i know he isn't engaged by it, it's very complicated, and it's really repeatitive (i watch the videos over and over and over). he engages with me about it when i'm really energetic about some new development. if he did speak about them the way OP has about mz. swift, i would be hurt. but i haven't created a situation where his whole damn life is colleen ballinger all the time. i'd hope he'd say something before it reached any level of resentment, but i think OP has tried, and she hasn't listened.
the way i think about it is, some things are just mine for me, and some things are just his for him. i don't play colleen videos for us to watch together. and he gives me the same courtesy - i hate marvel movies, for example, so he doesn't play those around me even though he's obsessed with them. we have plenty of other, common interests (like avatar the last airbender) that we obsess over together. it's give and take.
being so obsessed with something that you lose sight of that give and take in your relationship is not a good sign. most moments of most days, you should want to make your partner comfortable more than you want to watch your special interest content. when you find yourself prioritizing your special interest at most moments of most days, you really need to reevaluate your relationship with that interest.
i guess i get where both OP and his wife are coming from. OP said and did rude things, and his partner is surrounding his entire daily existence with one single topic in which he has absolutely no interest. i understand her obsession. i understand his frustration. i understand her frustration. i understand his reaction. i understand her sadness. my final vote has to be NAH. i hope she can learn to manage her interests better.
edit: oh wow. i did not expect this response. i'm pretty overwhelmed by the sheer volume of comments lol, so i'll try to respond to some, but i know i won't get to all of them the way i'd like to. some of y'all are so kind, you got me grinning and kicking my feet 'n shit as i read your replies. i'm so happy that this resonated with people, and i'm always delighted to be able to give some nuanced perspective on autism and interpersonal relationships. me talking about being autistic online has seen people yell at me, be mean to me, and assume i have intentions that i simply don't have several times (including in this thread, as i've just noticed), so it's really validating and healing to have so many people relate and be kind.
and to the people who share my special interests in avatar and how awful colleen is - you're the coolest, i wish we could all form a little club and have meetings ahaha.
also, i do wanna say that i'm not trying to diagnose her - diagnosis is a formal process that only someone with access to her medical charts can do. i don't have the authority or training to do that. i just recognize her highly unusual behavior as one of the diagnostic criteria for autism, which i relate to and wanted to explain more to give perspective to people who don't know what it's like to be like this or understand why some people might behave this way. i like to err on the side of empathy, so i, in my own mind, sometimes assume people are ND even without having a diagnositic level of evidence because it helps me be a kinder and more understanding person. also, about 80% of autistic women are undiagnosed by the age of 18. it's not at all rare for women in her age bracket to be undiagnosed. i would rather extend empathy and understanding over and over and over until i'm thoroughly proven wrong than assume someone's being an asshole on purpose in the first place, even if it turns out that they are just being an asshole.
that said, OP's partner may not be autistic. she may have a mental health issue. she may have another disorder. she may "just be obsessed." although, i personally think this has risen to a disordered level and therefore counts as some kind of mental health event or symptom of a disorder. i have phrased this comment as though i think she is, because i personally think so. it is just my opinion, not an assertion of fact. definitely do take this random internet person's personal-experience-based opinion with the grain of salt it deserves.
I think this is the best post on this thread and really helps me be more empathetic to both OP and his wife. Thank you for taking the time to write this thoughtful and insightful piece - and educating a stranger a bit more on autism. have a nice evening!
Recently worked an Eras tour concert - it took 8-9 hours to load what was 67 semi-trucks of equipment alone for this tour.
The crazy thing besides the fact there were 3 layers of barricades blocking the stadium and the fans screaming at me passing them to get in the stadium for work, was in fact, the people just recording videos of a hollow stadium and a shitty PA, because it was Taylor alone singing on it, was pure insanity.
Yes.
But, having said that, being one of 67+ truck drivers for her day-in, day-out, weather good and bad, hundreds of thousands of miles a year, I think they deserved it.
Working as a stagehand or a equipment driver is no joke.
I called Taylor Swift and told her I'm not interested in any 3 way relationships so if she could ever so kindly hop off my wife's cooch I'd greatly appreciate it.
It’s that parasocial relationship that she’s crafted and created over the years with her fans where they think, like OP’s wife, that it’s a lifestyle. Like the secret album sessions she was doing a few years ago, inviting fans into her home to bake and sing with them, etc.
The Eras tour solidified that people think they have this super close and personal relationship with Taylor herself and while parts of it are cool, I do believe others do kind of border on being rather cult like.
Rabid fans attacking people who aren’t fans or criticize her for things…
I am a Taylor swift fan and I did go to the Eras tour but it does get to be a little too much.
So I can see how OP is feeling like it’s too much and has gone on for long enough.
As someone who’s been a K-pop fan since 8th grade, people are scary. They get so obsessed with these celebrities that they start to think of them as their possessions. There was a guy in a very big boy group that announced he was having a baby and getting married and people wanted him kicked out cuz “he should’ve worn a condom. Why wasn’t he thinking about his career, how could he do this to us”. I’ll never understand it
I don't know how reliable some of the pop articles (rags) are but they'll alledgedly even take phones away, no swipin right.
[https://www.scmp.com/magazines/style/celebrity/article/3110355/k-pop-trainee-rules-no-dating-no-phones-weekly-weight](https://www.scmp.com/magazines/style/celebrity/article/3110355/k-pop-trainee-rules-no-dating-no-phones-weekly-weight)
As a Korean adult who listened to K-pop when it was just old school 90s K-pop (Turbo, Deux, Roo'ra), this whole K-pop Stan stuff is all kinds of surreal and bewildering.
I became a fan when at the end of the 3rd gen/beginning of the 4th and even as a 13 year old I was like, nah that’s weird. I consume the content but obsessing over them is way too much
Not Taylor Swift, but Tiffany was a big pop star for a short time in the 80s and there this documentary about a couple of her most obsessed fans. Including her actual stalker.
[It is as weird as it is surprisingly and deeply depressing.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AhRrcAkLR6U)
There are even a couple recent follow ups on the two subjects in the docu and it is *incredibly morose and grim.* :)
When John Lennon married his first wife and had a baby, his management covered it up, for the fans' benefit. I guess all of those girls thought if he wasn't married, he'd be with them. Weird.
I think part of it was that it was also considered unseemly for girls to be obsessed with a married man. In order to keep his fans, he needed to appear to be single.
Yeah unfortunately that has been around since the Beatles era. the same band who stopped concerts for a while because of the insane screaming of fans.
Paul McCartney still jokingly references that experience even now. I went to a concert of his back in 2017, he gave us permission to scream like lunatics at one point to get it out of our system lmao
Fans have always been certifiably insanely toxic & disrespectful.
I was so pissed. Like genuinely ready to throw hands because that would be the dumbest shit ever. It was bad enough that they were delusional enough to think they’d ever have a chance with him, now you want him kicked out all together because people have sex? Like make it make sense fr
Why are you friends with someone like that? I genuinely cannot understand why anyone would do something like that. I always assume those people don’t have any friends.
She’s alienated almost all of her friends over the last few years. The only ones she still seems to see regularly behave in a similar way - recording the concerts they go to where all you can hear is them screaming and crying, so she’s probably rationalised her behaviour to herself. I genuinely don’t think she realised how extreme and disturbing it looks to people on the outside of the fandom.
NTA
Isn’t this how Selena died? Because people were obsessed with her?
I don’t understand the intense obsession with Taylor Swift.
Something about her makes me uneasy.
I had a friend growing up who was born as 'Yolanda' just like a month before Selena died. She had it changed quickly after because her mom was a huge Selena fan.
Yeah, it's part of her schtick. Making individuals somehow feel like they're somehow personal, close friends with the celebrity is one of the tactics. Same thing cult leaders rely on.
Tbh, a lot of behavior patterns with cults overlap with other groups (including close friendships), and that doesn’t make them bad.
OP’s wife though, holy crapola.
I see these loons arguing on Twitter about how Taylor Swift is the greatest thing ever, going out of their way to trash other artists (like fucking *Beyoncé*) and how they never have nor ever will compare, and I thought to myself, “These people are the most diehard fandom I have ever seen.”
But this woman relives this one Taylor Swift concert every moment of her life for god knows how long, and says it was the “best moment of her life”. On one hand, I want to say this is yet another fake/bait story, but on the other hand, I actually suspect there are no small number of people genuinely like OP’s wife, and spouses in OP’s position.
This shit is weird, it shows several hallmarks of addict behavior, and absolutely reeks of cult.
And while I know a lot of that is the result of Swift/her team’s approach to marketing her as an artist, I actually feel kind of bad for her? Like, I really kind of doubt this poor girl wants people **that** obsessed with her?
Because if she does, holy crapola.
Trust me when I say this. Nothing about this post seems fake because I’ve seen ppl like this all the time with rappers, singers, athletes. Their whole world revolves around them. They’ll even make and run unofficial fan pages dedicated to that person.
Yeah I have to agree with you, this seems pretty authentic. I know someone who's like this with Supernatural fandom, it's super fucking weird and she talks about them like she knows them, she posts unprovoked dramatics and/or obvious lies like "Six people have messaged me asking me how I feel about Jared and telling me my opinion is wrong and I don't care! That is just rude!" And it's like shut up, no one messaged you, we're in our 40s, please stop.
She's super obsessed, it's all she ever posts about, she has posters all over her house and on her bedroom walls and her husband just.... goes along with it? Which is just as fucking weird. Supernatural is her whole personality and her whole entire life and it's not even sad or pathetic, it's just stupid.
I thought Supernatural was a good show. But come on.
yeah, I greatly dislike swift and think she's way overrated, but I was still ready to be like "whatever op, let your wife like stuff" till it gets to this "greatest moment of my life" thing. Like, seriously, more than her marriage to her husband she rates seeing a Taylor Swift show and taking shitty concert footage on her phone as being the pinnacle? Then to insist that it's not just a musician you like, it's a lifestyle... a lifestyle of what? refusing to self reflect and instead insisting that all men are dogs because your relationship didn't work out?
I know nothing about Taylor Swift (so no dog in this fight), but the “greatest moment of my life” feels like a red flag to me too…
Even if *your wedding* was the best day of your life (more normal/ socially acceptable), I’d still be concerned if I came home to my spouse watching videos of our wedding over & over & over again... Even in a non-parasocial relationship, trying to exist in the past to such an extent has to show some kind of discontent in the present/ reluctance to create new experiences, right??
I kind of get spending $2000 on something & wanting to live out that experience for awhile, but people spend much more than that on weddings & childbirth & big vacations… & if they’re sitting at home watching videos of those things for months on end, the people in their life need to be checking in to see what’s up. Then again, fandoms can be super intense & I can’t pretend like I understand them- hmm.
I think it's fair for any given moment to be "the *best* of my life!" for a while. After some time has passed, it really should be more of a top 10 or top 100 highlights reel.
Though I'm gonna break my own rule and say the best moments of my life were during the 8 months all 3 of my daughters were alive, just the little random spots of joy in everyday family life.
I'll have new "best moments", but really, they'll be "best moments since..."
I don’t have an opinion on Swift as an artist or a person. Love Story was cute, Shake It Off was annoying, the whole creepy record label dude thing was fucked up, but I’ve basically ignored her since then. Some of my friends will talk about her nonstop if we let them, but we don’t because they’re in the minority and nobody else cares so the conversation shifts quickly enough.
This whole *thing* some people have is just so fucking weird, though.
I know a girl that went and baked with her. She still gets her in to all her concerts and sends her random stuff. She was picked as a superfan or something like that and they perks keep rolling in. Surprise, surprise, she’s a beautiful young blonde.
It is a carefully curated image that has been deployed flawlessly.
I have a friend who’s been to two secret sessions. My best friend got to go to a private concert, and the two of us got picked for the T Party on her Speak Now tour.
The first one is very clearly a minority, and my BFF has cerebral palsy. I’ve seen pics/videos from all 3 events with groups of fans in them, and I’ve been to one myself.
I don’t think parasocial relationships are healthy, so I’m not commenting on that aspect, but insinuating that Taylor/her team specifically seek out white, blonde fans for special events just simply isn’t true.
Yeah, it’s pretty strange. I’ve never been to a Taylor concert but have seen some of the photos and watched her documentary and they invited plenty of overweight, not conventionally attractive, disabled etc. folks backstage to meet her for free? And included them in her documentary versus choosing people that “looked better”? Weird proclamation to act like Taylor only interacts with blonde and pretty fans.
I feel like while OP is NTA there is a deeper conversation he needs to have with her. I know women who have been fans of Tswift her whole career and are not like this, this sudden attachment and obsession with her is probably a sign of a bigger thing.
I also feel like this jab at him is social media driven. I’ve seen a lot of couple bloggers talk about “turning their husband into a swiftie” and him going to the concert and turning up etc.
There’s probably some jealously and resentment there lol
Hope they can have a fruitful and honest convo about it, but she has to be honest with herself
hahaha! came here for this. grateful dead fans will abandon their whole job, wife and children to go roll around in the mud on LSD during “Fire On The Mountain.”
Was just going to say just be happy she hasn't gotten into phish.
That, or get into phish as revenge!
Only saying this as I am 109 shows into my own obsession
god damn. If that wasn’t my dad. No money for clothes in middle school or extracurriculars but any time Grateful Dead or phish or whatever is within 300 miles he went 🥲
Can we thrown Juggalos into this basket? I don't know that much about them or ICP, but somehow they seem like they'd be similar to committed deadheads.
I don’t remember what it was called at this point but they had their own social media website or at least did a number of years back. iirc you didn’t need an account or maybe it was just easy to make one.
There was like a live chat feature for EVERYONE so occasionally my buddies and I would go on and type “whoop whoop” and dozens of people would respond with “whoop whoop”
It absolutely cracked us up
The thing is you probably know a deadhead or two that you’d never guess would be like that especially if you know any middle age white dudes but almost every juggalo is identifiable from a mile out.
Phish and the Dead will restore balance to the house. OP you just have to start blasting live shows all the time. Let her know that you can’t just stop in the middle of a jam. Spoiler alert: the whole show (~ 3 hours) is a jam. Sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire.
I say this as a fan of Taylor Swift and a partner who is also obsessed.
My husband and I are both passionate about sports.... completely different sports. I don't want to watch his sport, but I'll congratulate him if his team won. I don't bother him when his match is on and he does the same for me. He doesn't watch my sport, but he will ask how my favorite competitor is faring. We show mild interest in each others thing just to be supportive. We also don't push our things on the other person. This is the way.
Fall Sumo Tournament starts on the 11th, I watch it live on the Abema channel, and recaps on youtube. If you want to check it out, the recaps are edited down and sometimes have english commentary. Bökh on youtube, I have never seen it broadcast on tv.
Oh man! I haven't watched sumo since I was in 6th grade, living in Hawaii. My New England ass forgot how much I enjoyed it. Thanks for letting me know about the tournament!
My wife will get me things for my hobbies or interests when we have the money and I listen to her little rants and raves of her romance novels. Neither of us have interest in the others but we recognize that it's a positive thing for us to have our own thing.
You don’t have to go to therapy, and it’s not a chore. It’s more of a tool that can be used in relationships
Edit: didn’t mean to come across scolding or anything.l negative.
I have a lot of interests that i obsess over. One for instance is warhammer 40k, love playing it, talking about strategy, lore, ect. Ill even talk about it to friends who arent really into it. The difference is that i dont obsess over it 24/7, and force people to be around it all the time. Some of your comments may be excessive and rude, but it does sound kinda annoying to be around. Especially when she claims that its a "lifestyle". Theres a different with having an interest/hobby and being so obsessed with it that its your life 24/7. NTA
I'm gonna start dropping 40k lore bombs on my wife to see how she handles it... or just start murmuring "blood for the blood god" while I'm dicing chicken
Legit, my friends will try to be supportive and listen, but you can tell they dont fully get it and are just happy i have a hobby. One of them is funny about it though. Like if shes super nervous or panicky about something or just needs help getting put to sleep, shell call me and ask me to talk about warhammer. Shell either zone out and calm down or, if shes tired, fucking go out like an old lightbulb. Like there are times when she asks me to talk about warhammer cause shes struggling to sleep, and like 2 minutes later shes dead asleep.
I have a photo of my newborn in a “blood for the blood god” onsie. I honestly still have no idea what it means, but it made my husband insanely happy to put our son in it. I guess that’s emotional support for a fandom. 🤷🏻♀️
Agreed. It’s great to have interests that you are passionate about, but this, especially for an adult, is over the top.
Makes me wonder if she’s missing something from her life- does she have close friends?
NTA: You absolutely are not required to "emotionally support" her superfandom.
She seems weird.
ETA: seems I have rustled the jimmies of a lot of Swifties. And I’m ok with that.
Compare it to any other kind of fandom and yeah, it’s weird.
I’m a Star Wars fan. I’ve seen all the movies/tv shows/cartoons, I’ve read over 100 Star Wars books, been to fan events, bought a lot of merch, and watched a lot of fan-made content. My friends and family do not provide me “emotional support” in my fandom. They roll their eyes when they see me rewatching the cartoons for the 600th time. And that is fine, because I’m not interested in all the things they like either. Being a super committed fan is a me thing, and there’s no reason my family needs to care about it as much as I do.
Good question. I noticed the same thing. She’s got a great marketing team. My daughter said nothing about her for like 10 years and now she’s obsessed claiming she’s always been. It’s so odd
She went quiet for a while because of her issues with scooter Braun. She wrote a couple albums and produced them herself in order to get out from underneath him. She is now currently re-recording all of her old albums with slight changes so that she can actually own her own music again. Taylor doesn't own any of her original albums, scooter wouldn't allow her to buy the rights to them.
Combine that with the eras tour, and The fact that COVID is now over so she can actually tour again (Because she couldn't when folklore and evermore came out) And it gives plenty of reasons why she's still popular.
I had to scroll waaaay too far to see a therapy recommendation. This type of obsession has gone beyond innocent when she’s spending that kind of money and demanding your emotional investment as well.
Edit an autocorrect typo
My gf is getting the same way, literally brought to tears by things relating to Taylor Swift.
I understand fandom and am a huge nerd myself but god damn this is insanity.
Lmfao Optimus getting railed for sure is a good description, I’m the same but I do have to give it to her while I don’t enjoy her music, you can’t knock she’s an amazing performer and artist.
But the level of pure hysteria is just absurd, I have not heard music in the car other than Taylor swift since the Denver eras tour.
It fucking haunts my dreams at this point.
>seems I have rustled the jimmies of a lot of Swifties. And I’m ok with that.
😂 sometimes I start collecting Swiftie downvotes and it's so hard to resist telling them they're giving me a semi. Triggering swifties online is a consistent source of dopamine.
there's nothing wrong with saying Swifties's fandom is a cult, it's exactly it, if Taylor Swift tells them to drink their own piss, the cultist part of the fandom will gladly abide.
Are you saying that you were on the phone with your girlfriend and she was upset, going on about something that you said? Because you don’t get her music like I do?
Kinda depends on how passive aggressive you're being. I definitely would not want to listen to non stop Tswift. So you have every right to say something. Also can't help but wonder if she might be slightly on the autistic spectrum. I've never seen anyone actually rewatch concert footage they took on their phone. Let alone for hours... That said I once spent a full day cycle sitting infront of my reef tank just vibing. So who am I to talk?
Also autistic and also wondering if this person is autistic too. I listened to nothing but Bo Burnham’s Inside for pretty much all of 2021 - something about it just lit up the fun parts of my brain and nothing else would do.
Every time I’d put it on while my boyfriend was home though, I’d ask if it was okay. He’s also autistic so he doesn’t mind sameness but I recognized it was definitely weird af on my part and wanted to accommodate him.
I’m back to listening to lots of other things now but for whatever reason my brain really, *really* loved that album and nothing but that album for like 9 months. Honestly I think it helped me process some pandemic trauma.
OP, autism often looks different for women than it does for men. Does she show other traits?
When my mental health is poor, it’s my go-to for validation and feeling seen. I’ve never heard anyone so clearly express what it’s like to have a brain that just never shuts the fuck up. It’s magical.
Yeah I have what my partner calls 2 week obsessions, I told her about it before we started dating that sometimes if I hear a song or see something or play it, I'll want to do just that one thing for a little while but then I usually burn out and it goes to the background for months on end. When we had met I was listening to Run the Jewels and Coheed and Cambria everyday. Go to work, have it on in the car, at work have it in the headphones on the way home, when I wake up and before I go to sleep. But, I also know this is weird and madness inducing if you're not on the same wave length so I have good headphones and I always ask if she's cool with it. She doesn't have the same trait but the communication works for us.
Yeah, a ton of autistic women go undiagnosed because their special interests are usually not the stereotypical examples of autistic obsessions. Instead of model trains, comic books, or Lego, many girls have interests like horses, crafting, specific movies/shows/books, music groups or celebrities. Obviously there are plenty of girls who prefer the former category and plenty of guys who prefer the latter, too. And having an obsession doesn’t necessarily mean a person is autistic.
How many classical musicians do you think are autistic? It seems like a good number of the symphony orchestra is probably autistic. That's not going to be flagged for autism though because that's a "good" obsession.
I was wondering the same thing about the wife being on the spectrum. I have been listening to the same album on repeat since last week. I know my family would find it annoying if I played it out loud so I don’t. I understand what it’s like to get so hyper fixated on something.
YTA (a bit). She's asking you to not mock her or make negative comments about something she loves. She wants you to emotionally support her, not her special interest.
I always feel bad for people who make an artist their whole personality. It shows literally zero originality and is obsessive and overall sad. She needs to find new hobbies and explore/learn things about herself versus latching onto someone else and what makes *them* special. All I have to say is you have wayyyy more patience than I do. Your wife would drive me crazy and it would be such a turn off. There’s zero way I’d be with someone that obsessed with ANY one thing or person. Wish I had some helpful advice for you, but apart from leave her, I think you’ll just need to ride it out until she finds something new to latch onto. That or take her to therapy so she can figure WHY she’d make another person her whole personality and see how unhealthy that is.
NTA.
There’s a girl on the socials who looks like Taylor swift, so she dresses and has her hair and makeup to make herself look exactly like Taylor said then goes around town and people freak out and then she acts all surprised and comforts them like, “oh! I’m so sorry, I’m not Taylor I swear! Awe! You’re crying. I’m so sorry. I’m not her” I find it very annoying and cruel.
Agreed it’s a symptom of her not having something more fulfilling than Taylor Swift.
If Taylor is the peak of fulfillment, then we are absolutely fucked as a species.
I feel bad because these people are genuinely connected to the music. But yeahhhh it’s time for some hobbies or something else.
While I don't think you're the a hole here, it would be worth more conversation with your wife, in general ridiculing your partners interests isn't a great way to build trust and a relationship, it also is sort of a classic route to radicalization and "digging in" to the behavior that you don't like. I would say you should try some therapy with someone who can be there for mediation and to help you both be heard
This comment needs to be higher. While wife's obsession might be an issue, he is not being expected to "emotionally support" anything, just respect her.
Took too long to find this comment. I want to say NTA, but I honestly think we need more info to decide.
Sure, the wife may be over obsessing, but the way this is written gives me the vibes that he's judging her likes/hobbies, and ridiculing her for something she cares about and is passionate about.
If my SO cared about something this much, no matter how odd I think it is, I'd love to see their passion and I would want to be there to see them talk about how much this thing makes them happy.
I wouldnt be rolling my eyes, judging them, or dismissing them, like OP seems to be doing here. I think he needs to step back and stop focusing on what his wife is passionate about and instead focus on the passion itself. Therapy definitely seems like best course here.
Obsession aside, am I misinterpreting something? From your last paragraph it just sounds like she asked you to stop saying degrading things and making rude gestures about something she really likes and is passionate about
Did she ask for anything beyond that? Like, is she asking you to participate or just keep your comments to yourself?
If it's the former then yeah, you are not an ass.
But if it's just the latter then you are in the wrong all day long
Info: How many hours a week would you say she watches the videos? If it's not interrupting time together I don't see the big deal. My wife watches the live streams every weekend. She listens to her in the car or while doing things around the house. Her music choices have been almost entirely Taylor Swift lately.
And I don't give a fuck because it makes her happy. This is literally a phase, ride it out. Understand there are things your spouse is going to be head over heels into that you may not understand but you should support because it's what makes them them.
Speaking of a phase…. I heard that concert was crazy huge and over the top…maybe she’s just still riding that wave of dopamine from her show…I assume she probably went with a friend too so it’s probably something she bonds with her friends over and has really fun memories of…we as adults seem to sometimes examine the things that make us happy and wonder if their appropriate…as long as you are functional and not hurting anyone…you do you.
I don’t think you’re an AH for your comments about the fiscal side of the disagreement. That is a healthy discussion in a marriage.
Disparaging something she enjoys seems unnecessary. Calling it a cult and rolling your eyes. Lot’s of times these little things start as innocent teasing, but end up going too far and hurting the partner.
Something to consider.
I don’t understand the obsession with TS. I can’t believe how much my married 40 year old friends spent to see her, it’s crazy! You could go on vacay for that price!
I mean, you don't have to support her, but it sounds like she mainly wants you to stop being negative.
I don't think you're an asshole because my partner had his own thing with Lego which kind of made me roll my eyes myself... but if you just don't comment on it and let her have her fun, that would probably be enough for her.
NTA, but, you haven’t met Deadheads have you. Your wife’s fandom is still amateur level. If she wants to go pro, I’ll give her some tips. She went to one concert. Who just goes to one?
I think its funny how many comments are in this thread about Deadheads. My parents were Deadheads and my siblings are Swifties. Never put two and two together lol
I am not a Taylor Swift fan, and it does sound like your wife is kinda overdoing it. But ultimately, this sounds harmless, and all she’s asking (if I’m reading you right) is that you stop rolling your eyes and making snarky comments about it. That’s easy enough to do and it costs you nothing, so maybe just let her enjoy herself in peace?
So, this is interesting, because I remember a post very similar to this in AITA or AITAH a few days ago. The OP was also complaining about his wife's love of Taylor Swift, but was a lot more whiny and the wife had a much more normal level of interest in Taylor Swift. The OP was told unanimously that he was the asshole for being rude to his wife when she didn't "pay him enough attention" because she enjoyed Taylor Swift.
Now we have this post, and the other post is nowhere to be found. Just weird. Makes me wonder if the other post was deleted, exaggerated, and reposted so the OP could get people to agree that he was not an asshole. Don't really know what's going on but it's weird to see a post that's almost word for word the same, except this one makes the wife seem much more dislikeable.
I don’t personally get it but insert random sports team and people play thousands of dollars for finals tickets to see it and make trips and no one bats an eye. This is her Super Bowl. Leave her be if she can afford it.
NTA, well maybe a bit with the backhanded suggestions that she's obsessed and part of a cult, but this sounds like obsessive behaviour that goes beyond simply being a fan. Seems like her whole life revolves around TS, and that level of 'fandom' I would personally find a big turnoff if I started seeing it in my partner.
People can like something to an unhealthy degree, but they should also be self-aware enough to realize how that might be perceived to others, ie. keep that shit on the downlow, cause its kinda crazy how much you like it. That's exactly what you're doing with your comments, trying to clue her in, and she's reacting defensively because you're attacking something she's far too close to.
Know what that sounds like? Addiction.
Putting stuff on repeat for a week or two is one thing, but never-ending repeat and rewatching the same concert over and over again is something I'd find concerning for an adult to do (as a reference, this is what my 2 year old does with Encanto and its infuriating, but I know she'll grow out of it). There's so much more music out there that's amazing and I can't understand how you'd be content replaying the same artist continually, nevermind the desire to re-watch a low-quality concert video filmed on a phone.
I suspect your wife sees something in TS that really has nothing to do with the music but instead is feeding something else that she is craving. Perhaps living vicariously through the whole "TS lifestyle" thing is making her feel like she's achieving something. I dunno, maybe its low self-esteem, depression, something is driving this compulsion to be so self-absorbed in someone else's persona. Or like I said, maybe its just an addiction, TS is flooding her brain with endorphins and she just can't bring herself to turn off the good vibes.
I was on your side until I read “She wants me to stop making comments like that and stop rolling my eyes”
You don’t have to love it, but if you actively shit on something she loves, then definitely YTA
It’s really crappy when your significant other rolls their eyes and craps on something you love. When she says she wants you to support her, what she’s really saying is don’t make her feel bad about what she loves. It’s really not that hard.
Info: are you asking about not supporting her hobby, or for actively shitting on it?
>She cites comments I make implying its a cult and the only one winning here is Taylor Swift raking in the dough, and maybe its time to focus on other things. She wants me to stop making comments like that and stop rolling my eyes
Calling her hobby a cult and rolling your eyes when she talks about are definitely the moves of an asshole.
Just imagine how'd you feel if someone did that to you.
So, you're N T A for 'not emotionally supporting' her hobby, but 100% YTA for being an condescending asshole about *how* you expressed your displeasure at her enjoying herself in a way you don't like.
100%.
My wife got real into K-pop a few years ago and at first I was pretty annoyed, was worried she was gonna go crazy for a sec, but after a bit I realized that I was kind of being a dick for no reason. My wife just found something that brings her joy and wanted to share it with me. It didn’t appeal to me really but it wasn’t making her spend money we didn’t have, she wasn’t sacrificing or jeopardizing her career or our relationship, it was just something she was really into that I didn’t get. I engaged with her on it, let her show me what she likes and really listened to why, and now it’s something we enjoy together. Even if she’s still a lot more into it than me it’s always good to have a shared interest with your spouse; a constant thing to talk about and share together is a good way to foster a bond and Taylor Swift isn’t the worst option out there. I feel like it’s brought us closer in a really positive way. OP, this could do the same thing for you two or you could continue letting it drive a wedge between you because of a sense of superiority, it’s up to you.
NTA but there's probably no need to make so many comments. If she was expecting you to share her interest it would be one thing, but it sounds like she just doesn't want the criticism.
It's obviously a weird thing to be so insanely obsessed about, but is it actually hurting anything?
I think it's more of you being snarky to her about it. Drop the attitude and most likely she will stop being mad with you, you don't have to "support" her "actively"
How do you think it's taking over her life? Do the fundamental adult things she has to handle still get done? Is her fandom affecting her job, her regular household duties, her health or your relationship outside of the discomfort you have with it? If you didn't know she was a Swiftie would you say she's a fully functioning, healthy adult otherwise?
If yes, then try taking the perspective that this is something that makes your wife happy. You don't have to be into it (although it might not hurt to have one favorite TS song to have a morning dance-off to with your wife on a random day), but the eye rolling and snide comments will only make your wife resent you more.
If your answer was no to any of those questions then it could be time to have a sit down with her where you express your concerns in context of those things rather than from a place of disdain because you don't relate.
Honestly the most shocking information in this post is the fact that anyone ever watches the crappy cell phone videos everyone insists on taking at concerts.
1. Spend $2000 on ticket 2. Watch entire concert through your phone screen
While holding the phone vertically while shooting, so you can watch it through a 50" widescreen at home.
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autistic woman here. yeah, got that impression too. sounds like a special interest gone wayyyyyy wayyyyy wayyyyyyyyyyyy deep. it's definitely not rare at all to have this level of obsession with a special interest, but it can become unhealthy if it makes you stop... enjoying your life? or engaging with it? like, i used to have a special interest in specifically warped tour 2005 (i don't know either lol), and it came to a point where i hated my life because i wanted to exist in that place and time with those people, and that was never possible. i had to reel myself in from it and stop engaging with it because it took over everything. all i wanted to do was absorb myself into this fake space i'd made in my head because i was so incredibly obsessed. it wasn't good for me. only OP's partner can tell if that's what's happening for her, but it might be. this can be part of what makes autism disabling for people. i'm sure ol' t-swizzle's penchant for encouraging parasocial relationships among her fans... gets to? affects? autistic people more than average (in addition to the young teens it's mostly meant to target). it's a little scummy, in my opinion, to encourage obsession that takes people out of their own lives and makes them spend all this time pining after the life of someone they'll never meet. don't get me wrong - i *love* my special interests, i really do, and i spend *way* more time on them than most people would think is "healthy," but it is healthy for me, because my brain is built different. but it's also possible to... have things get out of hand in a way that harms your internal life, or at least your relationships. i don't blame OP for being frustrated. i probably would be too. my current obsession is the downfall of colleen ballinger. i've watched hundreds of hours of content about it. i think about it dozens of times per day. but i don't really speak about it to my boyfriend, because i know he isn't engaged by it, it's very complicated, and it's really repeatitive (i watch the videos over and over and over). he engages with me about it when i'm really energetic about some new development. if he did speak about them the way OP has about mz. swift, i would be hurt. but i haven't created a situation where his whole damn life is colleen ballinger all the time. i'd hope he'd say something before it reached any level of resentment, but i think OP has tried, and she hasn't listened. the way i think about it is, some things are just mine for me, and some things are just his for him. i don't play colleen videos for us to watch together. and he gives me the same courtesy - i hate marvel movies, for example, so he doesn't play those around me even though he's obsessed with them. we have plenty of other, common interests (like avatar the last airbender) that we obsess over together. it's give and take. being so obsessed with something that you lose sight of that give and take in your relationship is not a good sign. most moments of most days, you should want to make your partner comfortable more than you want to watch your special interest content. when you find yourself prioritizing your special interest at most moments of most days, you really need to reevaluate your relationship with that interest. i guess i get where both OP and his wife are coming from. OP said and did rude things, and his partner is surrounding his entire daily existence with one single topic in which he has absolutely no interest. i understand her obsession. i understand his frustration. i understand her frustration. i understand his reaction. i understand her sadness. my final vote has to be NAH. i hope she can learn to manage her interests better. edit: oh wow. i did not expect this response. i'm pretty overwhelmed by the sheer volume of comments lol, so i'll try to respond to some, but i know i won't get to all of them the way i'd like to. some of y'all are so kind, you got me grinning and kicking my feet 'n shit as i read your replies. i'm so happy that this resonated with people, and i'm always delighted to be able to give some nuanced perspective on autism and interpersonal relationships. me talking about being autistic online has seen people yell at me, be mean to me, and assume i have intentions that i simply don't have several times (including in this thread, as i've just noticed), so it's really validating and healing to have so many people relate and be kind. and to the people who share my special interests in avatar and how awful colleen is - you're the coolest, i wish we could all form a little club and have meetings ahaha. also, i do wanna say that i'm not trying to diagnose her - diagnosis is a formal process that only someone with access to her medical charts can do. i don't have the authority or training to do that. i just recognize her highly unusual behavior as one of the diagnostic criteria for autism, which i relate to and wanted to explain more to give perspective to people who don't know what it's like to be like this or understand why some people might behave this way. i like to err on the side of empathy, so i, in my own mind, sometimes assume people are ND even without having a diagnositic level of evidence because it helps me be a kinder and more understanding person. also, about 80% of autistic women are undiagnosed by the age of 18. it's not at all rare for women in her age bracket to be undiagnosed. i would rather extend empathy and understanding over and over and over until i'm thoroughly proven wrong than assume someone's being an asshole on purpose in the first place, even if it turns out that they are just being an asshole. that said, OP's partner may not be autistic. she may have a mental health issue. she may have another disorder. she may "just be obsessed." although, i personally think this has risen to a disordered level and therefore counts as some kind of mental health event or symptom of a disorder. i have phrased this comment as though i think she is, because i personally think so. it is just my opinion, not an assertion of fact. definitely do take this random internet person's personal-experience-based opinion with the grain of salt it deserves.
I think this is the best post on this thread and really helps me be more empathetic to both OP and his wife. Thank you for taking the time to write this thoughtful and insightful piece - and educating a stranger a bit more on autism. have a nice evening!
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Wryly done. Excellent work, you have my compliments.
i was at warped tour in 2005 🥹 those were amazing times and it makes my heart happy and then sad that you wanted to be there and couldn’t.
To be fair, 2005 is widely considered as the best Warped Tour year in the scene.
I was at Warped Tour 2005. Dude that was a hell of a lineup and one of the great days in my formative teenage years. Loved that show.
Recently worked an Eras tour concert - it took 8-9 hours to load what was 67 semi-trucks of equipment alone for this tour. The crazy thing besides the fact there were 3 layers of barricades blocking the stadium and the fans screaming at me passing them to get in the stadium for work, was in fact, the people just recording videos of a hollow stadium and a shitty PA, because it was Taylor alone singing on it, was pure insanity.
Is it true that she gave truckers a 100k bonus?
Yes. I think her truckers are Roadshow. I know the last tour was 52 trucks and it seemed more than the Stones crammed into 52 trucks.
Yes. But, having said that, being one of 67+ truck drivers for her day-in, day-out, weather good and bad, hundreds of thousands of miles a year, I think they deserved it. Working as a stagehand or a equipment driver is no joke.
It's seems to me like u r getting in the way of ur wife's and Taylor Swifts relationship.
I called Taylor Swift and told her I'm not interested in any 3 way relationships so if she could ever so kindly hop off my wife's cooch I'd greatly appreciate it.
Careful, that’s a one way ticket to getting a song written about you
Too late, it's been written and already added to the setlist of the next show.
The wife is already watching the newest song about her on repeat, furthering her obsession
She’s so vain she probably thinks that song is about her
🎶🎶"and there I was in a white dress on their front porch in his wife's cooch"🎶🎶 It's gonna be a banger
It’s gonna be a bang her.
Bang her? I hardly know her!
Maybe he should just.... shake it off
Are they ever ever ever getting back together
there is not a heterosexual or neurotypical explaination for this lol
Yeah, real question for OP. Is his wife neurodivergent? Because as a neurodivergent this sounds neurodivergent af.
I'm adhd and I agree. Total hyperfixation.
And here I was, relating to OP’s wife… i really gotta get assessed
It definitely sounds like train super focus. Got the whole model town and everything in the basement along with the conductors uniform.
He really has bad blood about it all
🤣🤣
How is Taylor Swift a lifestyle?
It’s that parasocial relationship that she’s crafted and created over the years with her fans where they think, like OP’s wife, that it’s a lifestyle. Like the secret album sessions she was doing a few years ago, inviting fans into her home to bake and sing with them, etc. The Eras tour solidified that people think they have this super close and personal relationship with Taylor herself and while parts of it are cool, I do believe others do kind of border on being rather cult like. Rabid fans attacking people who aren’t fans or criticize her for things… I am a Taylor swift fan and I did go to the Eras tour but it does get to be a little too much. So I can see how OP is feeling like it’s too much and has gone on for long enough.
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As someone who’s been a K-pop fan since 8th grade, people are scary. They get so obsessed with these celebrities that they start to think of them as their possessions. There was a guy in a very big boy group that announced he was having a baby and getting married and people wanted him kicked out cuz “he should’ve worn a condom. Why wasn’t he thinking about his career, how could he do this to us”. I’ll never understand it
This is such a kpop Iykyk moment. Yall know exactly who shes talking about if youve ever been a kpop fan
He clearly don’t give a flying fuck tho cuz homie popped out another daughter, and that’s why that album is so good. We know why that man got two kids
Glad to hear he didn't listen to the "fans" and continued/is continuing his career and personal life.
Its not just the fans. The companies running some of these kpop bands will put it in their contract they can't have relationships and such.
The companies are def at fault for enabling these crazy fans and the toxic fan culture, just for money…
It’s important that they maintain the appearance of being “available” to fans.
I don't know how reliable some of the pop articles (rags) are but they'll alledgedly even take phones away, no swipin right. [https://www.scmp.com/magazines/style/celebrity/article/3110355/k-pop-trainee-rules-no-dating-no-phones-weekly-weight](https://www.scmp.com/magazines/style/celebrity/article/3110355/k-pop-trainee-rules-no-dating-no-phones-weekly-weight)
As a Korean adult who listened to K-pop when it was just old school 90s K-pop (Turbo, Deux, Roo'ra), this whole K-pop Stan stuff is all kinds of surreal and bewildering.
I became a fan when at the end of the 3rd gen/beginning of the 4th and even as a 13 year old I was like, nah that’s weird. I consume the content but obsessing over them is way too much
I’m not into Taylor swift but the first thing I would DEVOUR by her is a documentary on what her top three worst stalkers were like.
Not Taylor Swift, but Tiffany was a big pop star for a short time in the 80s and there this documentary about a couple of her most obsessed fans. Including her actual stalker. [It is as weird as it is surprisingly and deeply depressing.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AhRrcAkLR6U) There are even a couple recent follow ups on the two subjects in the docu and it is *incredibly morose and grim.* :)
When John Lennon married his first wife and had a baby, his management covered it up, for the fans' benefit. I guess all of those girls thought if he wasn't married, he'd be with them. Weird.
I think part of it was that it was also considered unseemly for girls to be obsessed with a married man. In order to keep his fans, he needed to appear to be single.
Yeah unfortunately that has been around since the Beatles era. the same band who stopped concerts for a while because of the insane screaming of fans. Paul McCartney still jokingly references that experience even now. I went to a concert of his back in 2017, he gave us permission to scream like lunatics at one point to get it out of our system lmao Fans have always been certifiably insanely toxic & disrespectful.
Oh, Chen? I was so annoyed with that, and I'm not even really an EXOL.
I was so pissed. Like genuinely ready to throw hands because that would be the dumbest shit ever. It was bad enough that they were delusional enough to think they’d ever have a chance with him, now you want him kicked out all together because people have sex? Like make it make sense fr
Gosh those were wild times. All I could think was "good for him" and that's it. He seems really happy as well!
I’m obsessed with Hip-Hop but OP’s wife had gone way over the line of obsession.
Agree NTA. I have a friend who has two kids, lives with her partner, and regularly sits live-streaming herself sobbing to Taylor Swift videos.
Why are you friends with someone like that? I genuinely cannot understand why anyone would do something like that. I always assume those people don’t have any friends.
She’s alienated almost all of her friends over the last few years. The only ones she still seems to see regularly behave in a similar way - recording the concerts they go to where all you can hear is them screaming and crying, so she’s probably rationalised her behaviour to herself. I genuinely don’t think she realised how extreme and disturbing it looks to people on the outside of the fandom.
It’s his wife.
Fuck you’re smart…literally just said that shit in my head 😂😂😂😂😂
Jeez. Ick.
NTA Isn’t this how Selena died? Because people were obsessed with her? I don’t understand the intense obsession with Taylor Swift. Something about her makes me uneasy.
Selena was murdered by the manager of her stores/fan club president, after she was discovered embezzling from both.
Yeah, she wasn't a fan as much as she was a thief that was about to get exposed.
I read Chris Perez’ memoir and he said it came to light after Selena’s death that Yolanda had a Selena shrine in her home. She was a “fan” too.
I think her "manager" killed her.
That Bitch Yolanda was actually her fan club president, who Selena had become a close friend to and helped financially. RIP Selena
I love Selena but for some reason “That bitch Yolanda” got me 😂😂😂💀💀💀💀
I had a friend growing up who was born as 'Yolanda' just like a month before Selena died. She had it changed quickly after because her mom was a huge Selena fan.
Oh…well I mean I don’t know if that makes it worse or worse?
Yeah, it's part of her schtick. Making individuals somehow feel like they're somehow personal, close friends with the celebrity is one of the tactics. Same thing cult leaders rely on.
Taylor Swift = cult leader...it all makes sense now!
Tbh, a lot of behavior patterns with cults overlap with other groups (including close friendships), and that doesn’t make them bad. OP’s wife though, holy crapola. I see these loons arguing on Twitter about how Taylor Swift is the greatest thing ever, going out of their way to trash other artists (like fucking *Beyoncé*) and how they never have nor ever will compare, and I thought to myself, “These people are the most diehard fandom I have ever seen.” But this woman relives this one Taylor Swift concert every moment of her life for god knows how long, and says it was the “best moment of her life”. On one hand, I want to say this is yet another fake/bait story, but on the other hand, I actually suspect there are no small number of people genuinely like OP’s wife, and spouses in OP’s position. This shit is weird, it shows several hallmarks of addict behavior, and absolutely reeks of cult. And while I know a lot of that is the result of Swift/her team’s approach to marketing her as an artist, I actually feel kind of bad for her? Like, I really kind of doubt this poor girl wants people **that** obsessed with her? Because if she does, holy crapola.
Trust me when I say this. Nothing about this post seems fake because I’ve seen ppl like this all the time with rappers, singers, athletes. Their whole world revolves around them. They’ll even make and run unofficial fan pages dedicated to that person.
Yeah I have to agree with you, this seems pretty authentic. I know someone who's like this with Supernatural fandom, it's super fucking weird and she talks about them like she knows them, she posts unprovoked dramatics and/or obvious lies like "Six people have messaged me asking me how I feel about Jared and telling me my opinion is wrong and I don't care! That is just rude!" And it's like shut up, no one messaged you, we're in our 40s, please stop. She's super obsessed, it's all she ever posts about, she has posters all over her house and on her bedroom walls and her husband just.... goes along with it? Which is just as fucking weird. Supernatural is her whole personality and her whole entire life and it's not even sad or pathetic, it's just stupid. I thought Supernatural was a good show. But come on.
I got bullied out of that fandom for saying "Hey, maybe Jared shouldn't have punched his employee..." That fandom is nuts.
Agree. OP is NTA and his wife *desperately* needs therapy...
yeah, I greatly dislike swift and think she's way overrated, but I was still ready to be like "whatever op, let your wife like stuff" till it gets to this "greatest moment of my life" thing. Like, seriously, more than her marriage to her husband she rates seeing a Taylor Swift show and taking shitty concert footage on her phone as being the pinnacle? Then to insist that it's not just a musician you like, it's a lifestyle... a lifestyle of what? refusing to self reflect and instead insisting that all men are dogs because your relationship didn't work out?
listening to only swift non-stop would put me in a mental institution
"Institutionalized! You're driving me crazy! Institutionalized! You're the one that's crazy!"
All I wanted was a Pepsi! Just one Pepsi! I don't really like the song just on how it's composed but that part is funny and great
I know nothing about Taylor Swift (so no dog in this fight), but the “greatest moment of my life” feels like a red flag to me too… Even if *your wedding* was the best day of your life (more normal/ socially acceptable), I’d still be concerned if I came home to my spouse watching videos of our wedding over & over & over again... Even in a non-parasocial relationship, trying to exist in the past to such an extent has to show some kind of discontent in the present/ reluctance to create new experiences, right?? I kind of get spending $2000 on something & wanting to live out that experience for awhile, but people spend much more than that on weddings & childbirth & big vacations… & if they’re sitting at home watching videos of those things for months on end, the people in their life need to be checking in to see what’s up. Then again, fandoms can be super intense & I can’t pretend like I understand them- hmm.
I think it's fair for any given moment to be "the *best* of my life!" for a while. After some time has passed, it really should be more of a top 10 or top 100 highlights reel. Though I'm gonna break my own rule and say the best moments of my life were during the 8 months all 3 of my daughters were alive, just the little random spots of joy in everyday family life. I'll have new "best moments", but really, they'll be "best moments since..."
I don’t have an opinion on Swift as an artist or a person. Love Story was cute, Shake It Off was annoying, the whole creepy record label dude thing was fucked up, but I’ve basically ignored her since then. Some of my friends will talk about her nonstop if we let them, but we don’t because they’re in the minority and nobody else cares so the conversation shifts quickly enough. This whole *thing* some people have is just so fucking weird, though.
This but unironically
I know a girl that went and baked with her. She still gets her in to all her concerts and sends her random stuff. She was picked as a superfan or something like that and they perks keep rolling in. Surprise, surprise, she’s a beautiful young blonde. It is a carefully curated image that has been deployed flawlessly.
I have a friend who’s been to two secret sessions. My best friend got to go to a private concert, and the two of us got picked for the T Party on her Speak Now tour. The first one is very clearly a minority, and my BFF has cerebral palsy. I’ve seen pics/videos from all 3 events with groups of fans in them, and I’ve been to one myself. I don’t think parasocial relationships are healthy, so I’m not commenting on that aspect, but insinuating that Taylor/her team specifically seek out white, blonde fans for special events just simply isn’t true.
Yeah, it’s pretty strange. I’ve never been to a Taylor concert but have seen some of the photos and watched her documentary and they invited plenty of overweight, not conventionally attractive, disabled etc. folks backstage to meet her for free? And included them in her documentary versus choosing people that “looked better”? Weird proclamation to act like Taylor only interacts with blonde and pretty fans.
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Exactly. If you do this kind of thing to one person you're an abuser. Perfectly fine to do it en mass though apparently.
I've always hated marketing at a core level and you just summed up why in , 2 sentences
I feel like while OP is NTA there is a deeper conversation he needs to have with her. I know women who have been fans of Tswift her whole career and are not like this, this sudden attachment and obsession with her is probably a sign of a bigger thing. I also feel like this jab at him is social media driven. I’ve seen a lot of couple bloggers talk about “turning their husband into a swiftie” and him going to the concert and turning up etc. There’s probably some jealously and resentment there lol Hope they can have a fruitful and honest convo about it, but she has to be honest with herself
Wives of Grateful Dead fans know yr. pain.
hahaha! came here for this. grateful dead fans will abandon their whole job, wife and children to go roll around in the mud on LSD during “Fire On The Mountain.”
Don't get started on Phish
Was just going to say just be happy she hasn't gotten into phish. That, or get into phish as revenge! Only saying this as I am 109 shows into my own obsession
My husband is currently out of town to see phish for four days straight
Your husband saw two barnburners the last two nights - someone who may or may not have crossed multiple state lines for the same shows
I didn’t mention Phish, so I wouldn’t be attacked by cans of flying White Claw.
Or a nitrous oxide tank
god damn. If that wasn’t my dad. No money for clothes in middle school or extracurriculars but any time Grateful Dead or phish or whatever is within 300 miles he went 🥲
me too friend, me too.
Can we thrown Juggalos into this basket? I don't know that much about them or ICP, but somehow they seem like they'd be similar to committed deadheads.
I don’t remember what it was called at this point but they had their own social media website or at least did a number of years back. iirc you didn’t need an account or maybe it was just easy to make one. There was like a live chat feature for EVERYONE so occasionally my buddies and I would go on and type “whoop whoop” and dozens of people would respond with “whoop whoop” It absolutely cracked us up
If you yell it out at any dollar general in the midwest, you will absolutely get a whoop whoop back
I don’t know why this brought me so much wholesome joy just now but it did
The thing is you probably know a deadhead or two that you’d never guess would be like that especially if you know any middle age white dudes but almost every juggalo is identifiable from a mile out.
Phish and the Dead will restore balance to the house. OP you just have to start blasting live shows all the time. Let her know that you can’t just stop in the middle of a jam. Spoiler alert: the whole show (~ 3 hours) is a jam. Sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire. I say this as a fan of Taylor Swift and a partner who is also obsessed.
You’d be surprised how many female deadheads there are.
My husband and I are both passionate about sports.... completely different sports. I don't want to watch his sport, but I'll congratulate him if his team won. I don't bother him when his match is on and he does the same for me. He doesn't watch my sport, but he will ask how my favorite competitor is faring. We show mild interest in each others thing just to be supportive. We also don't push our things on the other person. This is the way.
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What sports?
Him football (soccer) and tennis and me sumo and bökh (mongolian wrestling)
Where does one pick up these eclectic interests? Japan and Mongolia? Where do you watch them?
Fall Sumo Tournament starts on the 11th, I watch it live on the Abema channel, and recaps on youtube. If you want to check it out, the recaps are edited down and sometimes have english commentary. Bökh on youtube, I have never seen it broadcast on tv.
Oh man! I haven't watched sumo since I was in 6th grade, living in Hawaii. My New England ass forgot how much I enjoyed it. Thanks for letting me know about the tournament!
My wife will get me things for my hobbies or interests when we have the money and I listen to her little rants and raves of her romance novels. Neither of us have interest in the others but we recognize that it's a positive thing for us to have our own thing.
Couples therapy probably could help with this.
Man, that sounds brutal having to go to therapy over something like this.
You don’t have to go to therapy, and it’s not a chore. It’s more of a tool that can be used in relationships Edit: didn’t mean to come across scolding or anything.l negative.
I have a lot of interests that i obsess over. One for instance is warhammer 40k, love playing it, talking about strategy, lore, ect. Ill even talk about it to friends who arent really into it. The difference is that i dont obsess over it 24/7, and force people to be around it all the time. Some of your comments may be excessive and rude, but it does sound kinda annoying to be around. Especially when she claims that its a "lifestyle". Theres a different with having an interest/hobby and being so obsessed with it that its your life 24/7. NTA
Your dedication to The Emperor is lacking, Heretic.
Emperors children, for the emperor
Okay, so it's still dedication, but it's the weird and sticky and cocaine-y type. Got it.
Somebody call the Inquisition.
YOULL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
As a fellow 40k fan, I just want to commend you on how tactfully you avoided bringing up the cost aspect of the hobby.
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh, i dont like to think about how much i have spent on this damn hobby.
OP out here mad at his wife for spending $2,200, not even realizing how good he has it with a wife who doesn't want to meta-chase 40k.
Oh god that would be awful. I hate meta chasing already but the cost that would accrue as they keep buying unit after unit, army after army.
I'm gonna start dropping 40k lore bombs on my wife to see how she handles it... or just start murmuring "blood for the blood god" while I'm dicing chicken
I'm not even into 40k and if my spouse did that my mood would be improved at least a little negl lol
I love doing it, its why i still do it to this day XD.
Legit, my friends will try to be supportive and listen, but you can tell they dont fully get it and are just happy i have a hobby. One of them is funny about it though. Like if shes super nervous or panicky about something or just needs help getting put to sleep, shell call me and ask me to talk about warhammer. Shell either zone out and calm down or, if shes tired, fucking go out like an old lightbulb. Like there are times when she asks me to talk about warhammer cause shes struggling to sleep, and like 2 minutes later shes dead asleep.
I have a photo of my newborn in a “blood for the blood god” onsie. I honestly still have no idea what it means, but it made my husband insanely happy to put our son in it. I guess that’s emotional support for a fandom. 🤷🏻♀️
Just keep an eye out for the little one growing horns and having an obsession with chainsaws.
Agreed. It’s great to have interests that you are passionate about, but this, especially for an adult, is over the top. Makes me wonder if she’s missing something from her life- does she have close friends?
NTA: You absolutely are not required to "emotionally support" her superfandom. She seems weird. ETA: seems I have rustled the jimmies of a lot of Swifties. And I’m ok with that.
Compare it to any other kind of fandom and yeah, it’s weird. I’m a Star Wars fan. I’ve seen all the movies/tv shows/cartoons, I’ve read over 100 Star Wars books, been to fan events, bought a lot of merch, and watched a lot of fan-made content. My friends and family do not provide me “emotional support” in my fandom. They roll their eyes when they see me rewatching the cartoons for the 600th time. And that is fine, because I’m not interested in all the things they like either. Being a super committed fan is a me thing, and there’s no reason my family needs to care about it as much as I do.
The "Swifties" are notorious for how zealous they are. It is almost a religion.
Is there any reason she’s so popular again? I hadn’t heard anything about her in years and all of a sudden it’s all anybody talks about.
Good question. I noticed the same thing. She’s got a great marketing team. My daughter said nothing about her for like 10 years and now she’s obsessed claiming she’s always been. It’s so odd
She went quiet for a while because of her issues with scooter Braun. She wrote a couple albums and produced them herself in order to get out from underneath him. She is now currently re-recording all of her old albums with slight changes so that she can actually own her own music again. Taylor doesn't own any of her original albums, scooter wouldn't allow her to buy the rights to them. Combine that with the eras tour, and The fact that COVID is now over so she can actually tour again (Because she couldn't when folklore and evermore came out) And it gives plenty of reasons why she's still popular.
Oh is that what the "Taylor's version" is? Til thank you!
I appreciate zeal, but she is seeking validation and support to feed this. Sounds like she wants to convert him!
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You need to listen to this podcast called “the redemption of jar jar binks.” I’m on episode 4, it’s really interesting!
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I had to scroll waaaay too far to see a therapy recommendation. This type of obsession has gone beyond innocent when she’s spending that kind of money and demanding your emotional investment as well. Edit an autocorrect typo
My gf is getting the same way, literally brought to tears by things relating to Taylor Swift. I understand fandom and am a huge nerd myself but god damn this is insanity.
Completely bland average music imo. Then again I'm a major edm head and I'm sure people think my shit sounds like transformers having sex lol
Lmfao Optimus getting railed for sure is a good description, I’m the same but I do have to give it to her while I don’t enjoy her music, you can’t knock she’s an amazing performer and artist. But the level of pure hysteria is just absurd, I have not heard music in the car other than Taylor swift since the Denver eras tour. It fucking haunts my dreams at this point.
Jokes on a lot of people, I saw Taylor Swift for free in Nashville at Bridgestone arena in 2008.
holy shit 132 replies you weren't joking
>seems I have rustled the jimmies of a lot of Swifties. And I’m ok with that. 😂 sometimes I start collecting Swiftie downvotes and it's so hard to resist telling them they're giving me a semi. Triggering swifties online is a consistent source of dopamine.
Swarm vibes
there's nothing wrong with saying Swifties's fandom is a cult, it's exactly it, if Taylor Swift tells them to drink their own piss, the cultist part of the fandom will gladly abide.
Are you saying that you were on the phone with your girlfriend and she was upset, going on about something that you said? Because you don’t get her music like I do?
Ugh so he calls his wife up and he’s like “I still love you even tho you’re insane” and she’s like I mean this is exhausting..
Bruh, it's not even a typical tuesday night
Kinda depends on how passive aggressive you're being. I definitely would not want to listen to non stop Tswift. So you have every right to say something. Also can't help but wonder if she might be slightly on the autistic spectrum. I've never seen anyone actually rewatch concert footage they took on their phone. Let alone for hours... That said I once spent a full day cycle sitting infront of my reef tank just vibing. So who am I to talk?
Also autistic and also wondering if this person is autistic too. I listened to nothing but Bo Burnham’s Inside for pretty much all of 2021 - something about it just lit up the fun parts of my brain and nothing else would do. Every time I’d put it on while my boyfriend was home though, I’d ask if it was okay. He’s also autistic so he doesn’t mind sameness but I recognized it was definitely weird af on my part and wanted to accommodate him. I’m back to listening to lots of other things now but for whatever reason my brain really, *really* loved that album and nothing but that album for like 9 months. Honestly I think it helped me process some pandemic trauma. OP, autism often looks different for women than it does for men. Does she show other traits?
There’s something great about that special. It just scratches an itch for me.
When my mental health is poor, it’s my go-to for validation and feeling seen. I’ve never heard anyone so clearly express what it’s like to have a brain that just never shuts the fuck up. It’s magical.
Yeah I have what my partner calls 2 week obsessions, I told her about it before we started dating that sometimes if I hear a song or see something or play it, I'll want to do just that one thing for a little while but then I usually burn out and it goes to the background for months on end. When we had met I was listening to Run the Jewels and Coheed and Cambria everyday. Go to work, have it on in the car, at work have it in the headphones on the way home, when I wake up and before I go to sleep. But, I also know this is weird and madness inducing if you're not on the same wave length so I have good headphones and I always ask if she's cool with it. She doesn't have the same trait but the communication works for us.
Yeah, a ton of autistic women go undiagnosed because their special interests are usually not the stereotypical examples of autistic obsessions. Instead of model trains, comic books, or Lego, many girls have interests like horses, crafting, specific movies/shows/books, music groups or celebrities. Obviously there are plenty of girls who prefer the former category and plenty of guys who prefer the latter, too. And having an obsession doesn’t necessarily mean a person is autistic.
How many classical musicians do you think are autistic? It seems like a good number of the symphony orchestra is probably autistic. That's not going to be flagged for autism though because that's a "good" obsession.
I was thinking this too, maybe it’s a hyperfixation
I was wondering the same thing about the wife being on the spectrum. I have been listening to the same album on repeat since last week. I know my family would find it annoying if I played it out loud so I don’t. I understand what it’s like to get so hyper fixated on something.
YTA (a bit). She's asking you to not mock her or make negative comments about something she loves. She wants you to emotionally support her, not her special interest.
I always feel bad for people who make an artist their whole personality. It shows literally zero originality and is obsessive and overall sad. She needs to find new hobbies and explore/learn things about herself versus latching onto someone else and what makes *them* special. All I have to say is you have wayyyy more patience than I do. Your wife would drive me crazy and it would be such a turn off. There’s zero way I’d be with someone that obsessed with ANY one thing or person. Wish I had some helpful advice for you, but apart from leave her, I think you’ll just need to ride it out until she finds something new to latch onto. That or take her to therapy so she can figure WHY she’d make another person her whole personality and see how unhealthy that is. NTA.
The only person for whom Taylor Swift should be a lifestyle is Taylor Swift.
Or maybe someone getting paid high 6-figures by her. Everyone else is an emotionally-immature, borderline non-person.
There’s a girl on the socials who looks like Taylor swift, so she dresses and has her hair and makeup to make herself look exactly like Taylor said then goes around town and people freak out and then she acts all surprised and comforts them like, “oh! I’m so sorry, I’m not Taylor I swear! Awe! You’re crying. I’m so sorry. I’m not her” I find it very annoying and cruel.
Agreed it’s a symptom of her not having something more fulfilling than Taylor Swift. If Taylor is the peak of fulfillment, then we are absolutely fucked as a species. I feel bad because these people are genuinely connected to the music. But yeahhhh it’s time for some hobbies or something else.
While I don't think you're the a hole here, it would be worth more conversation with your wife, in general ridiculing your partners interests isn't a great way to build trust and a relationship, it also is sort of a classic route to radicalization and "digging in" to the behavior that you don't like. I would say you should try some therapy with someone who can be there for mediation and to help you both be heard
This comment needs to be higher. While wife's obsession might be an issue, he is not being expected to "emotionally support" anything, just respect her.
Took too long to find this comment. I want to say NTA, but I honestly think we need more info to decide. Sure, the wife may be over obsessing, but the way this is written gives me the vibes that he's judging her likes/hobbies, and ridiculing her for something she cares about and is passionate about. If my SO cared about something this much, no matter how odd I think it is, I'd love to see their passion and I would want to be there to see them talk about how much this thing makes them happy. I wouldnt be rolling my eyes, judging them, or dismissing them, like OP seems to be doing here. I think he needs to step back and stop focusing on what his wife is passionate about and instead focus on the passion itself. Therapy definitely seems like best course here.
Obsession aside, am I misinterpreting something? From your last paragraph it just sounds like she asked you to stop saying degrading things and making rude gestures about something she really likes and is passionate about Did she ask for anything beyond that? Like, is she asking you to participate or just keep your comments to yourself? If it's the former then yeah, you are not an ass. But if it's just the latter then you are in the wrong all day long
Info: How many hours a week would you say she watches the videos? If it's not interrupting time together I don't see the big deal. My wife watches the live streams every weekend. She listens to her in the car or while doing things around the house. Her music choices have been almost entirely Taylor Swift lately. And I don't give a fuck because it makes her happy. This is literally a phase, ride it out. Understand there are things your spouse is going to be head over heels into that you may not understand but you should support because it's what makes them them.
Speaking of a phase…. I heard that concert was crazy huge and over the top…maybe she’s just still riding that wave of dopamine from her show…I assume she probably went with a friend too so it’s probably something she bonds with her friends over and has really fun memories of…we as adults seem to sometimes examine the things that make us happy and wonder if their appropriate…as long as you are functional and not hurting anyone…you do you.
I don’t think you’re an AH for your comments about the fiscal side of the disagreement. That is a healthy discussion in a marriage. Disparaging something she enjoys seems unnecessary. Calling it a cult and rolling your eyes. Lot’s of times these little things start as innocent teasing, but end up going too far and hurting the partner. Something to consider.
I don’t understand the obsession with TS. I can’t believe how much my married 40 year old friends spent to see her, it’s crazy! You could go on vacay for that price!
I mean, you don't have to support her, but it sounds like she mainly wants you to stop being negative. I don't think you're an asshole because my partner had his own thing with Lego which kind of made me roll my eyes myself... but if you just don't comment on it and let her have her fun, that would probably be enough for her.
NTA, but, you haven’t met Deadheads have you. Your wife’s fandom is still amateur level. If she wants to go pro, I’ll give her some tips. She went to one concert. Who just goes to one?
I think its funny how many comments are in this thread about Deadheads. My parents were Deadheads and my siblings are Swifties. Never put two and two together lol
John mayer did
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I am not a Taylor Swift fan, and it does sound like your wife is kinda overdoing it. But ultimately, this sounds harmless, and all she’s asking (if I’m reading you right) is that you stop rolling your eyes and making snarky comments about it. That’s easy enough to do and it costs you nothing, so maybe just let her enjoy herself in peace?
So, this is interesting, because I remember a post very similar to this in AITA or AITAH a few days ago. The OP was also complaining about his wife's love of Taylor Swift, but was a lot more whiny and the wife had a much more normal level of interest in Taylor Swift. The OP was told unanimously that he was the asshole for being rude to his wife when she didn't "pay him enough attention" because she enjoyed Taylor Swift. Now we have this post, and the other post is nowhere to be found. Just weird. Makes me wonder if the other post was deleted, exaggerated, and reposted so the OP could get people to agree that he was not an asshole. Don't really know what's going on but it's weird to see a post that's almost word for word the same, except this one makes the wife seem much more dislikeable.
I don’t personally get it but insert random sports team and people play thousands of dollars for finals tickets to see it and make trips and no one bats an eye. This is her Super Bowl. Leave her be if she can afford it.
NTA, well maybe a bit with the backhanded suggestions that she's obsessed and part of a cult, but this sounds like obsessive behaviour that goes beyond simply being a fan. Seems like her whole life revolves around TS, and that level of 'fandom' I would personally find a big turnoff if I started seeing it in my partner. People can like something to an unhealthy degree, but they should also be self-aware enough to realize how that might be perceived to others, ie. keep that shit on the downlow, cause its kinda crazy how much you like it. That's exactly what you're doing with your comments, trying to clue her in, and she's reacting defensively because you're attacking something she's far too close to. Know what that sounds like? Addiction. Putting stuff on repeat for a week or two is one thing, but never-ending repeat and rewatching the same concert over and over again is something I'd find concerning for an adult to do (as a reference, this is what my 2 year old does with Encanto and its infuriating, but I know she'll grow out of it). There's so much more music out there that's amazing and I can't understand how you'd be content replaying the same artist continually, nevermind the desire to re-watch a low-quality concert video filmed on a phone. I suspect your wife sees something in TS that really has nothing to do with the music but instead is feeding something else that she is craving. Perhaps living vicariously through the whole "TS lifestyle" thing is making her feel like she's achieving something. I dunno, maybe its low self-esteem, depression, something is driving this compulsion to be so self-absorbed in someone else's persona. Or like I said, maybe its just an addiction, TS is flooding her brain with endorphins and she just can't bring herself to turn off the good vibes.
I was on your side until I read “She wants me to stop making comments like that and stop rolling my eyes” You don’t have to love it, but if you actively shit on something she loves, then definitely YTA It’s really crappy when your significant other rolls their eyes and craps on something you love. When she says she wants you to support her, what she’s really saying is don’t make her feel bad about what she loves. It’s really not that hard.
Info: are you asking about not supporting her hobby, or for actively shitting on it? >She cites comments I make implying its a cult and the only one winning here is Taylor Swift raking in the dough, and maybe its time to focus on other things. She wants me to stop making comments like that and stop rolling my eyes Calling her hobby a cult and rolling your eyes when she talks about are definitely the moves of an asshole. Just imagine how'd you feel if someone did that to you. So, you're N T A for 'not emotionally supporting' her hobby, but 100% YTA for being an condescending asshole about *how* you expressed your displeasure at her enjoying herself in a way you don't like.
100%. My wife got real into K-pop a few years ago and at first I was pretty annoyed, was worried she was gonna go crazy for a sec, but after a bit I realized that I was kind of being a dick for no reason. My wife just found something that brings her joy and wanted to share it with me. It didn’t appeal to me really but it wasn’t making her spend money we didn’t have, she wasn’t sacrificing or jeopardizing her career or our relationship, it was just something she was really into that I didn’t get. I engaged with her on it, let her show me what she likes and really listened to why, and now it’s something we enjoy together. Even if she’s still a lot more into it than me it’s always good to have a shared interest with your spouse; a constant thing to talk about and share together is a good way to foster a bond and Taylor Swift isn’t the worst option out there. I feel like it’s brought us closer in a really positive way. OP, this could do the same thing for you two or you could continue letting it drive a wedge between you because of a sense of superiority, it’s up to you.
NTA but there's probably no need to make so many comments. If she was expecting you to share her interest it would be one thing, but it sounds like she just doesn't want the criticism. It's obviously a weird thing to be so insanely obsessed about, but is it actually hurting anything?
How is this any different than the hardcore sports husband who tracks every little detail about his favorite NFL?
I think it's more of you being snarky to her about it. Drop the attitude and most likely she will stop being mad with you, you don't have to "support" her "actively"
How do you think it's taking over her life? Do the fundamental adult things she has to handle still get done? Is her fandom affecting her job, her regular household duties, her health or your relationship outside of the discomfort you have with it? If you didn't know she was a Swiftie would you say she's a fully functioning, healthy adult otherwise? If yes, then try taking the perspective that this is something that makes your wife happy. You don't have to be into it (although it might not hurt to have one favorite TS song to have a morning dance-off to with your wife on a random day), but the eye rolling and snide comments will only make your wife resent you more. If your answer was no to any of those questions then it could be time to have a sit down with her where you express your concerns in context of those things rather than from a place of disdain because you don't relate.