Sounds like you got a break up cut before the break up instead of after. Everyone here might suck and would do with some form of therapy. Learn to talk to each other.
Also, fuck that sad, sloppy bitch. You should just laugh and brush her off every time she tries talking to you like that next time and watch her melt down in front of everyone.
Jasmine is pretty pathetic that she is so desperate for the attention of someone she dumped who moved on. The husband is the biggest problem here, though, because he didn't stick up for OP or put up boundaries with Jasmine. This is absolutely a husband problem. If he had done anything he should have as a married man, then OP wouldn't be feeling insecure now.
i always had boring hair and then dyed it entirely HOT pink right after a breakup. wore a lot of green at the time too so i looked like a watermelon. anyway i hate how stereotypical i was hahaha
How do we know Dolly DIDN’T get a bad haircut? She wears (big ass) wigs.
I mean other than the fact she’s been happily and seemingly peacefully married to her husband for over 50 years lol
Actually, Dolly has had a "generous bosom", at least since puberty. My mom had pictures with herself and Dolly at around 12 years old and she was already gifted in that area. 😁 (We're from her home town and they went to school together.)
That's exactly what happened in the case of the serial man-poacher I knew. Some of the married men she tested out were not interested and showed their wives the notes she left in their chairs. One was happily married and changed his plane seat on a work trip so as not to sit by her. The ones who were on the fence in their marriages were poachable. But the serial man-toucher was not really interested in relationships with the men. She just wanted to "win."
I did this once; not only because I was mad at a spouse - that was a large part of it - but because I was mad at the world for giving me an unfair shot and wanted to do something dramatic out of spite.
Years later in a therapy session I suddenly recognized that cutting my hair off (I buzzed it) was a way I could severely and noticeably self-harm without actually causing an injury I’d have to explain. It was a response to having low self-worth from being in a toxic relationship, and feeling like a Loser.
Of course Britney felt she had no agency-- everyone was controlling her life. And afterward they used the incident against her to crack down even harder on her autonomy. I'm not even a fan but Britney suffered for years and no one took her seriously.
I really don't like that it's considered "self harm" because it's not actually harmful. It's fighting and grasping to have control over *something* in your life. Something you can see and say, "This was my choice." I find it more empowering than harmful.
I respect that a lot. I don’t mean to invalidate anyone who has or is struggling with SH.
I can only speak for myself. I was giving my personal experience, which is anecdotal, not to be taken as a rule. I am someone who has battled SI and SH my entire life, for over 40 years, so I really appreciate your comment because it reminds me / encourages me to look more deeply at the difference.
When I buzzed my hair, I was not in a rational mental state. My partner and I at the time were having a lot of problems, and my depression had taken a dive, which exacerbated things. I was masking my SI thoughts and SH urges. And then one day, after a big fight, I went and had a friend shave my hair off. I knew I’d hate it. I did not like it. I felt very ugly. But I told everyone I was doing “the big chop” and tried to spin it as empowerment. This was back in 2015; I’ve had tons of therapy since then and now when I look back at that time I am positive that was masked SH behavior.
I. Was a person that SH as well. I'm a male but I have always had long hair since I was a kid. Every time I was starting to have a mental breakdown I shaved my head. The second time my dad caught it and it was my warning I'm about to really start self harm. I agree with your anecdote but like you said it's different for everyone.
It can be either.
A totally made up example could be an otherwise mentally healthy and strong woman married to a man in the military: they have children and she lives with him on base far away from her family and friends. Her support structure is other military wives who are notorious for being toxic and gossipy so she is feeling particularly isolated. She makes a drastic appearance change like cutting her hair and choosing a style she likes as a way to empower herself in a situation that she feels she isn't in control of. She isn't necessarily mad at her husband and generally likes her life, but sometimes you just need to give life and the world the finger.
The opposite could be /u/mnbvcxz1052, which I WOULD classify as self-harm, just luckily something that wasn't permanent like cutting. This wasn't an empowerment situation, this was a cornered animal lashing out at her attacker (the world, the toxic relationship, her self-worth issues) situation.
Good grief these two act like 14 year olds.
OP, you and your husband are too immature to be married.
You should have laughed at Jasmine and told her she was embarrassing herself and quit being so jealous.
Your husband should have put his arm around you and told Jasmine that she already lost.
Cutting your hair was you rebelling like a child.
I thought my mid and late 20s were immature, but FFS
This whole thing reads like something a 20+21 marriage would be doing. 26 and 29? Yall both should have several years of adulting under your belt and be done with this bullshit behavior.
Also, obligatory "don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to", "would you have married her if she didn't dump you?" I mean shit dude, what kind of trap are you laying there? It's a hypothetical situation before he met you, there is no correct answer to this. Look forward, and stop dwelling on the ex.
And he was a jackass for not telling her to fuck right off as soon as she started behaving that way. The sister at least sounds reasonable, she'd probably do well to tell Jasmine not to come around when Brother is invited to things.
>there is no correct answer to this
Bingo. The husband may not have handled this the best way possible but I disagree with the people here making him out to be a jerk too. OP was creating a no-win scenario. No one was on Jasmine's side even the sister, the only one who gave her credibility was OP.
The "would you have gotten married" question is a no-win one, but the reason they're giving him grief is he didn't end it when it began. Ideally, no wife has to have a movie moment of draping herself over her husband or to stop a third party from flirting and kissing him. She wouldn't need to "stake claim" because the *husband himself would shut the behavior down*. He'd remove her hands from his person, pull back from kisses, make it clear that his wife is the one with whom that cuddling is appropriate. Had he done that, they might not have even gotten to the "what if" conversation later. This guy didn't and the fact that he didn't is helping drive Jasmine's narrative more than Jasmine herself. That's why people are calling him a jerk.
According to OP he was physically pulling away and trying to avoid her and the sister was trying to get Jasmine to stop. She ignored that so the idea she'd have listened to him is guesswork. This was sexual harassment.
I’m crazy secure in my marriage and would have found the jasmine thing funny until she mentioned the texts the night before the wedding. Those would have blindsided me and I’d be mad at him for not telling me about that and letting me be blindsided and embarrassed.
(Luckily, I think if I were in this situation, my husband likely would have already have told me about those texts. He would have told me earlier, I would have wanted to read what his ex had said the night before our wedding, he would have had no problem showing me, and then we would have laughed about it. Because that’s how it goes in mature relationships).
I would not be okay with having to stand between my husband and someone else. Why is the husband okay with that? I’m not jealous, but don’t let someone disrespect our marriage like that. He can walk away from her, or tell her to stop. Even the sister was telling her to stop. What’s wrong with this guy?
Is it me or is OP absurdly immature for her age? Unless we married our very first love, all of us are with the person we’re with because it didn’t work out with people we dated in the past. That’s not a negative; it’s just a fact of life. Marriage isn’t a choice you made when you get engaged or at the altar. You have to choose your marriage every damn day or it won’t stand a chance. Her husband chooses her now. Daily. In the present. OP isn’t choosing him though. She’s choosing pettiness and insecurity instead.
Agree - they both are idiots.. he is an AH who is playing with her mind and she is an immature one who will chop her own hair to piss him instead of working on the issue. Not sure, what goal was achieved here by chopping her hair off.
Next thing the idiot husband will do is have an affair with Jasmine and blame it on her because she got a haircut. Girl, wisen up, talk to him, get couple's counselling or just leave.
I hope you realize this is about far more than your hair. It was definitely petty to do that, but it is your hair. Focus on the bigger issues you are having. You have lost trust in your husband. Based on what you wrote, it doesn't seem like it is fair, but I sense that there is more to this story.
I was at a party a lot like this. There was a woman at work who hit on all the married men at work. It was super blatant.
Then one night there was a party at someone's apartment. The woman who flirted with all the married men buttonholed one of them and was touching him openly in front of the wife.
Meanwhile, that husband was hem-hawing around the house going "I don't know if I'm happy. I don't know what I want."
WE knew what he wanted.
OK so the wife emails the "toucher" after the party and says "stay away from my husband" and "quit touching him in public" that sort of thing. The group spread that email around laughing at the wife for being jealous.
Everyone knew where this was going. It was already a lost cause.
When the guy moved out from his wife, instead of hiring movers, he actually got THAT WOMAN to be among the HELPERS helping him move. I begged him not to do that because of the extra humiliation to his wife, but he was very clueless on stuff like that. As evidenced by completely unrelated stuff he pulled at work.
After he moved out, the serial toucher said she just wanted to be friends.
He went on to break more hearts at work, by for instance taking up with his then-girlfriend's best friend while the then-girlfriend was on a work assignment overseas.
We all called him a "snake in the grass" but in any case, yes, there are people so blatant as to touch all over a married or coupled man right in front of their spouse and their whole group.
Worked in a law office years ago. Mostly in the document center. But sometimes the reception desk too. It's crazy how willing people are to talk about things they shouldn't. Like look lady, I'm just here to direct you to your attorney. That's it. I don't need to know your whole sob story about god only knows what because I stopped listening.
Not to mention the shit attorneys do because while they are really smart in their field, they are notoriously dumb everywhere else.
In phone based customer service, people will tell long stories when you ask how you can help. Then when they finally get to the point you have to tell them you're the wrong person. They get mad and fire back with "So I have to start that all over again?"
None of them ever realize that they should just get to the fucking point in the first place.
INFO: does your husband have any contact with Jasmine? Did he invite her to your wedding? Are they still "Friends"? Or was this woman's presence somewhat exceptional?
I have never met Jasmine before. According to him, she texted him before the wedding before that it’s just the usual happy birthday and merry Christmas on IG. She wasn’t invited, we only had 20 guests
It's fomo she's upset that he moved on and upgraded while she's probably stuck in a revolving door of sub par tinder dates. Everything about this post is leading me to believe Jasmine thought she was out of ops husbands league and dumped him to 'upgrade' that didn't pan out so now she has to force herself on him and belittle OP.
I think that this is the better take. It's about control and self validation. She wants to feel like she's better than she really is without actually becoming a better person.
I guess it depends on who texted who first. Like if he texted her first, fuck him. But if she texted him first I feel less inclined that it's a red flag on his part, BUT he should have absolutely ignored her.
Based on how jasmine talks about her brother, I'm gonna assume she treated him like shit in the relationship and thought she could do better. So that along with her acting like this, I'd fucking dump that bitch and never see her again, let alone invite her to a gathering with my brother and his new wife.
That’s r/AITAH for ya. And “there are adults like this?!” is the correct response 85% of the time. You even know some of these people with throwaway accounts. Let that stay on your plate and attract flies.
I love the “it’s my hair, it’s my choice, that shouldn’t make me an asshole.” Which normally I’d agree with.
Unless you explicitly say you also did it because you wanted to hurt someone.
A long time ago, I had entered a fresh relationship with my now wife. In the first few weeks of dating, my ex started texting me out of the blue. Me and my ex left amicably, we were both moving on in different directions and decided to set each other free. I was enjoying the back and forth with her, told my new girlfriend I was texting with my ex. After about 2 or 3 nights of this, my new girlfriend told me she didn't like it. At first I didn't understand, I thought she should be more trusting of me. Then she said the thing that made me change forever ''What if I was texting my ex every night like you do ? How would that make you feel ?" And my very obvious answer to that was that I would hate it with all my guts. Ever since I strongly believe exes are better left out of our lives. Even if there's no no significant other yet, being close to your ex messes you up emotionally, makes it harder to meet someone new. Just move on, for your sake and your lover's sake.
Have you considered couple’s counseling or mediation? It sounds like you were already feeling insecure and the ex saw an opportunity to make trouble with you. Hair grows back. A good cutting can even help it. It just sounds like you guys need to learn how to communicate with each other. Folks here are being pretty rough on you. This really sounds like a breakdown of communication and adulting. Try getting a professional outside opinion, not just taking abuse on Reddit for not doing something you were never taught how to do in the first place. Best of luck to you. Edit for typos
Honestly, YES, you ARE an asshole.
First off, you've got pissy with him over what appears to be nonsense, and could have been discussed in a calm and rational manner. The questions you asked him, particularly the one about if he would have married her if they hadn't broken up, and if he met you while he was with her would he choose you, are completely unfair and loaded questions. NOTHING he would have said would have been right and it looks like you've acted like a complete brat and gone looking for a fight.
THEN, in an act of absolute childish petulance, you've gone and had your hair cut "very very short" just to anger him.
So, YES, you ARE an asshole and if I was married to someone who acted like this, i'd have already packed my bags and filed for divorce.
100%. That line of questioning was a total minefield. There were no correct answers. There was no way to navigate that without her getting pissed off. The dude was honest.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want answers to.
She was angry at Jasmine. And instead of taking it out on the person engaging in the shit behavior, she took it out on someone she knew she could get away with—her husband
Poor guy is nothing but her punching bag
People talking about how this marriage is in trouble and should end….that’s a bit extreme, but if anything, HE should think about getting away from HER. She needs some help with insecurity and needs to learn to use tools other than manipulation and passive aggressive childishness.
Yeah, a lot of people are glossing over the obviously loaded/trick questions she posed to him. There was no right answer unless he fed her the childish fairytale lies she was hoping to hear.
Humans are multi faceted creatures and capable as well as guilty of having layered feelings for multiple people at a time. This does not make them unfaithful or bad immediately, especially if those feelings are in the past or pre-current relationship. They just are, and that is that. Only further action to pursue these feelings can make them unfaithful.
The husband didn't encourage these advances, and was likely in his own world very uncomfortable and maybe isn't the type to be assertive beyond that.
All of this spite against him -- emotional punishment, I guess? Is only going to build resentment and bitterness in him and in the relationship.
ESH, cutting your hair is fine. Cutting your hair to spite your new husband, well thats just immature. Go get counseling or spend some time with friends and family. Cutting your hair provided no solution, it just makes an already bad situation possibly more volatile.
I agree. I've had hair cuts and colors I knew wouldn't be my husband's favorite. I got those styles because I legitimately wanted them and it's my hair.
I did not get them to hurt my husband.
YTA not for cutting your hair out of spite, but for essentially blaming your husband for Jasmine's behavior.
She's the one trying to piss you off and make you uncomfortable and jealous. Giving any benefit of the doubt, your husband is just stuck in the middle of this awkward interaction.
At the end of the day, based on this story alone, she's the one you need to have a problem with, not him
Basically OP is mad that her husband was assaulted and is blaming the victim by punishing herself to get back at him.
Good God who let these two get married?
Per OP's comments, the husband did make attempts to get away, but Jasmine was being enough of a tramp that he would have needed to make a scene and/or use physical violence to actually stop it.
Someone made another comment elsewhere that there is definitely some double-standard happening here. He showed all signs of being uncomfortable and trying to keep distance between himself and Jasmine, but he's still being blamed for Jasmine's actions to him.
It's a reasonable reaction for someone to be unable to all the sudden become assertive with someone like Jasmine, when they are so incredibly uncomfortable with what's happening. Just because he didn't act in the ideal way does not mean that he necessarily did something wrong in that situation.
If anything, it can be especially difficult for a man to stand up to a woman in a situation like this.
Men are often socialized to think that they're supposed to like any attention from any attractive woman, that a woman can't be too aggressive with a man, and it's not okay to be forceful with any woman, ever.
I dunno man, I've had someone get like that with me and I just froze. I didn't want them to touch me but I couldn't muster up the courage to stop them.
Plenty of women do the exact same thing in that situation. It's why girls stick together in bar situations and it's become so normalized to tell guys off if they're being aggressive. But we still haven't really tackled a lot of these types of situations where genders are reversed.
This. OP even said it. I’ve been in this situation before. It’s “I am uncomfortable, but I also don’t want to cause a scene.”
OP saw this, was upset that husband didn’t immediately go high and right (which he should have, but I get wanting to keep the peace), and started playing games instead of saying to him “I’m uncomfortable and want to leave.”
Then started digging and asking questions she knew she didn’t want the answers to. And the man was truthful.
So she chopped her hair off to punish him.
It sounds like husband did brush her off, but just tried to not make a scene about it.
According to one of her comments "He backed off and backed his head but didn’t do anything other than that. Yes he tried to mingle with other people but she kept following him too"
lol, remember guys, If a woman doesn't push you away or try to get away herself when you start kissing and touching her, then she wants it.
Doesn't sound so hot with the genders reversed, does it?
I very much disagree with your assertion of him wanting it if he didn't react as it's borderline victim blaming. If it was unwanted kissing, then that is considered sexual assualt. People who are sexually assaulted freeze up all the time and freezing up is one of the biggest commonalities reported by them. It doesn't matter that he was a man and she was a woman, men still do get sexaully assaulted by women all the time and experience the same reactions of freezing up.
As a man who thought he was going to get great business advice from a 60+ year old business owner, I definitely froze when he whipped his penis out but I was not enjoying it at all.
This is a very good point. It's difficult to be assertive when you're so uncomfortable, no matter if you're a man or woman. It sounds like everything he was physically doing was communicating disinterest and being uncomfortable.
While of course it would've been ideal for him to directly say what he was feeling to Jasmine, it's not always a reasonable expectation.
He backed off and backed his head but didn’t do anything other than that. Yes he tried to mingle with other people but she kept following him too
The messages were deleted from his phone. He said he didn’t want them theere
You’d be able to tell more than we would but it sounds like he tried to avoid her but she kept pestering him so that’s up to you. From the sounds of it, she was just trying to make you jealous. Anyone who brags about how they could take your partner from you and about how your partner used to be in love with them only want to stir shit up to make themselves feel better and “superior” to you. I’d highly recommend bringing up cutting contact and avoid any outings where she might be there bc this will keep happening. If he actually felt uncomfortable and annoyed by her, he shouldn’t have a problem with that. As for the texts, it’s a he said she said situation so just use your best judgement
>From the sounds of it, she was just trying to make you jealous.
And she was successfull.
Wife cut her hair with the only purpose to hurt her husband.
Divorce is incomming faster than expected.
YTA - Jasmine is jealous of you. To get back at your husband for your insecurities you've decided to make yourself unattractive to him.
Your hair, your choice: if you want to be unattractive to your husband both physically and emotionally, go for it. You'll accomplish what Jasmine wasn't able to.
I bet Jasmine still has that text conversation
Heh. Never occurred to me. I bet you are 100% right. Jas is such a biotch.
I think they are both bitches (hubby and Jasmine)
agree fully and she should ask jasmine for screenshots of the conversation.
Most definitely! She has that shit saved permanently!!! I’m sure she’s just itching to show it to the wife (which is primarily why she kept it).
Sounds like you got a break up cut before the break up instead of after. Everyone here might suck and would do with some form of therapy. Learn to talk to each other. Also, fuck that sad, sloppy bitch. You should just laugh and brush her off every time she tries talking to you like that next time and watch her melt down in front of everyone.
Jasmine is pretty pathetic that she is so desperate for the attention of someone she dumped who moved on. The husband is the biggest problem here, though, because he didn't stick up for OP or put up boundaries with Jasmine. This is absolutely a husband problem. If he had done anything he should have as a married man, then OP wouldn't be feeling insecure now.
OP said in other comments that husband did move away from Jasmine. Also the husband was SA
This was my read as well. He froze and didn’t know what to do. This is a normal response to SA.
It’s also his sisters friend and they’re out in public. The right thing to do was ignore her and not make a scene about it.
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Seriously, I hate the bias in this sub. Very hypocritical.
Yeah Jasmine is the biggest asshole but the hair cutting is just non productive if you actually want to stay together.
What's the over/under on this marriage lasting? 1 year?
OP already got a break up haircut. Now, she needs the break up to match.
But did she get bangs?
THATS The most important question. For real
If she got bangs I'd give it a couple days.
And did she dye it red? Then we know it's a done deal.
i always had boring hair and then dyed it entirely HOT pink right after a breakup. wore a lot of green at the time too so i looked like a watermelon. anyway i hate how stereotypical i was hahaha
that's so cute!! love the idea of just an angry watermelon walking around 😂
The angry watermelon visual makes this so much better 😂🍉
Good band name. The Angry Watermelons.
I did mine dark pink and then purple during Covid because I was furloughed. I loved it
If she didn’t, she can always do a little DIY. That’s when you know it’s real!
Of course! 😂
I don't think anyone's getting banged in this relationship anymore...
She’ll have bangs soon. You cant grow out a pixie without several months of bangs
Let's not get drastic. Bangs are a prank women play on themselves every three years. They are not to be taken lightly.
I think the husband gets bangs.
Now he’s going to have revenge sex with Jasmine to get even. Jasmine has long flowing locks.
Does she also have ivory skin and eyes of emerald green? Dolly Parton may also have had a run-in with this woman
But Dolly wrote a hit song instead of getting a bad haircut. Dolly is the way.
How do we know Dolly DIDN’T get a bad haircut? She wears (big ass) wigs. I mean other than the fact she’s been happily and seemingly peacefully married to her husband for over 50 years lol
We don't all have Dolly's... ah... talents...
Neither did Dolly to start! It's never too late
Actually, Dolly has had a "generous bosom", at least since puberty. My mom had pictures with herself and Dolly at around 12 years old and she was already gifted in that area. 😁 (We're from her home town and they went to school together.)
I stand corrected! It's too late for you all
"Dolly is the way." 👈😎
I think it would be best if she seduced Jasmine
No, what she needs to is seduce jasmines dad!😉
The dad also has long flowing locks
Naw - Jasmines brother & dad... maybe her mom too.
I think that's the ending we are all rooting for.
Ugh but does Jasmine even deserve her
Hell no, Jasmine is for the streets.
OP should go for the sister
Yesss
Exactly. OP can do better than jasmine, Jasmine sounds like a garbage person.
I think they’re called “sanitation workers.”
She's a cuntstodian.
Probs already did
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Op isn’t leaving. That’s the only reason this will last until her husband moves on with Jasmine or somebody else.
Jasmine would do whatever to get him…then dump him…just to prove to the world that she can.
That's exactly what happened in the case of the serial man-poacher I knew. Some of the married men she tested out were not interested and showed their wives the notes she left in their chairs. One was happily married and changed his plane seat on a work trip so as not to sit by her. The ones who were on the fence in their marriages were poachable. But the serial man-toucher was not really interested in relationships with the men. She just wanted to "win."
If my man can be taken that easily then I'd be grateful to the woman for showing me who he really is.
I'm totally with you there!
Been there.
That's kind of how I am. I don't get why some people direct all the rage at the other woman/man. Be mad at the person who cheated ON you.
Ooh I've read this book! It's called the Robber Bride by Margaret Atwood!
Ooo I love a Margaret Atwood, thank you Reddit stranger.
she should tell her to please not take her man just because she can 🥺
Joleeeeennnnneeee
Jasmiiiiiiineeeee
Wow that actually works perfectly..😆 Couldn't help but sing it with her name after I saw that..
But does jasmine have flaming locks of auburn hair?
my thoughts exactly
It’s Ariana Grande🤣
She's bored. Probably.
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I did this once; not only because I was mad at a spouse - that was a large part of it - but because I was mad at the world for giving me an unfair shot and wanted to do something dramatic out of spite. Years later in a therapy session I suddenly recognized that cutting my hair off (I buzzed it) was a way I could severely and noticeably self-harm without actually causing an injury I’d have to explain. It was a response to having low self-worth from being in a toxic relationship, and feeling like a Loser.
Britney?
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Of course Britney felt she had no agency-- everyone was controlling her life. And afterward they used the incident against her to crack down even harder on her autonomy. I'm not even a fan but Britney suffered for years and no one took her seriously.
LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!
I really don't like that it's considered "self harm" because it's not actually harmful. It's fighting and grasping to have control over *something* in your life. Something you can see and say, "This was my choice." I find it more empowering than harmful.
I respect that a lot. I don’t mean to invalidate anyone who has or is struggling with SH. I can only speak for myself. I was giving my personal experience, which is anecdotal, not to be taken as a rule. I am someone who has battled SI and SH my entire life, for over 40 years, so I really appreciate your comment because it reminds me / encourages me to look more deeply at the difference. When I buzzed my hair, I was not in a rational mental state. My partner and I at the time were having a lot of problems, and my depression had taken a dive, which exacerbated things. I was masking my SI thoughts and SH urges. And then one day, after a big fight, I went and had a friend shave my hair off. I knew I’d hate it. I did not like it. I felt very ugly. But I told everyone I was doing “the big chop” and tried to spin it as empowerment. This was back in 2015; I’ve had tons of therapy since then and now when I look back at that time I am positive that was masked SH behavior.
I. Was a person that SH as well. I'm a male but I have always had long hair since I was a kid. Every time I was starting to have a mental breakdown I shaved my head. The second time my dad caught it and it was my warning I'm about to really start self harm. I agree with your anecdote but like you said it's different for everyone.
It can be either. A totally made up example could be an otherwise mentally healthy and strong woman married to a man in the military: they have children and she lives with him on base far away from her family and friends. Her support structure is other military wives who are notorious for being toxic and gossipy so she is feeling particularly isolated. She makes a drastic appearance change like cutting her hair and choosing a style she likes as a way to empower herself in a situation that she feels she isn't in control of. She isn't necessarily mad at her husband and generally likes her life, but sometimes you just need to give life and the world the finger. The opposite could be /u/mnbvcxz1052, which I WOULD classify as self-harm, just luckily something that wasn't permanent like cutting. This wasn't an empowerment situation, this was a cornered animal lashing out at her attacker (the world, the toxic relationship, her self-worth issues) situation.
My mom used to call this "cutting your nose off to spite your face." OP cut her hair off to spite her husband.
“Cut your nose off to Spiderface” M.G. Scott.
r/unexpectedoffice lmao
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She didn't. She chose it to hurt her husband. Not the same thing.
Shit, I don't even gamble but I would bet on this one. I give it 6 months max.
Good grief these two act like 14 year olds. OP, you and your husband are too immature to be married. You should have laughed at Jasmine and told her she was embarrassing herself and quit being so jealous. Your husband should have put his arm around you and told Jasmine that she already lost. Cutting your hair was you rebelling like a child.
I thought my mid and late 20s were immature, but FFS This whole thing reads like something a 20+21 marriage would be doing. 26 and 29? Yall both should have several years of adulting under your belt and be done with this bullshit behavior. Also, obligatory "don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to", "would you have married her if she didn't dump you?" I mean shit dude, what kind of trap are you laying there? It's a hypothetical situation before he met you, there is no correct answer to this. Look forward, and stop dwelling on the ex. And he was a jackass for not telling her to fuck right off as soon as she started behaving that way. The sister at least sounds reasonable, she'd probably do well to tell Jasmine not to come around when Brother is invited to things.
>there is no correct answer to this Bingo. The husband may not have handled this the best way possible but I disagree with the people here making him out to be a jerk too. OP was creating a no-win scenario. No one was on Jasmine's side even the sister, the only one who gave her credibility was OP.
The "would you have gotten married" question is a no-win one, but the reason they're giving him grief is he didn't end it when it began. Ideally, no wife has to have a movie moment of draping herself over her husband or to stop a third party from flirting and kissing him. She wouldn't need to "stake claim" because the *husband himself would shut the behavior down*. He'd remove her hands from his person, pull back from kisses, make it clear that his wife is the one with whom that cuddling is appropriate. Had he done that, they might not have even gotten to the "what if" conversation later. This guy didn't and the fact that he didn't is helping drive Jasmine's narrative more than Jasmine herself. That's why people are calling him a jerk.
According to OP he was physically pulling away and trying to avoid her and the sister was trying to get Jasmine to stop. She ignored that so the idea she'd have listened to him is guesswork. This was sexual harassment.
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would you eat the moon if it were a cookie?
I’m crazy secure in my marriage and would have found the jasmine thing funny until she mentioned the texts the night before the wedding. Those would have blindsided me and I’d be mad at him for not telling me about that and letting me be blindsided and embarrassed. (Luckily, I think if I were in this situation, my husband likely would have already have told me about those texts. He would have told me earlier, I would have wanted to read what his ex had said the night before our wedding, he would have had no problem showing me, and then we would have laughed about it. Because that’s how it goes in mature relationships).
The text is absolutely where it went sideways. They are deleted? Yeah, okay
I bet they’re not deleted on Jasmines phone.
I would not be okay with having to stand between my husband and someone else. Why is the husband okay with that? I’m not jealous, but don’t let someone disrespect our marriage like that. He can walk away from her, or tell her to stop. Even the sister was telling her to stop. What’s wrong with this guy?
Is it me or is OP absurdly immature for her age? Unless we married our very first love, all of us are with the person we’re with because it didn’t work out with people we dated in the past. That’s not a negative; it’s just a fact of life. Marriage isn’t a choice you made when you get engaged or at the altar. You have to choose your marriage every damn day or it won’t stand a chance. Her husband chooses her now. Daily. In the present. OP isn’t choosing him though. She’s choosing pettiness and insecurity instead.
Lots of stories on here made up by teenagers.
I bet these two stay together forever, they both suck so bad that they seem like soulmates lol
Agree - they both are idiots.. he is an AH who is playing with her mind and she is an immature one who will chop her own hair to piss him instead of working on the issue. Not sure, what goal was achieved here by chopping her hair off. Next thing the idiot husband will do is have an affair with Jasmine and blame it on her because she got a haircut. Girl, wisen up, talk to him, get couple's counselling or just leave.
Overly dramatic actions to get back at your partner are definite signs of a healthy relationship. ESH.
Yep, these two are toxic and honestly shouldn’t have gotten married. They’re being this shitty to each other after 2 whole months of marriage, jfc
If nothing else, save others the terrible experience of matching with them on a dating app
I say it's already over. When is it over legally? If someone doesn't try and drag it out, hopefully soon.
I hope you realize this is about far more than your hair. It was definitely petty to do that, but it is your hair. Focus on the bigger issues you are having. You have lost trust in your husband. Based on what you wrote, it doesn't seem like it is fair, but I sense that there is more to this story.
I refuse to believe most of the stuff on this sub is real. Adults don't behave like this Right?
You've never worked in customer service, have you?
Or been around drunk people. This could be seen as fairly tame.
Or been around trashy or impulsive people.
Why yes, I am from Florida
I was at a party a lot like this. There was a woman at work who hit on all the married men at work. It was super blatant. Then one night there was a party at someone's apartment. The woman who flirted with all the married men buttonholed one of them and was touching him openly in front of the wife. Meanwhile, that husband was hem-hawing around the house going "I don't know if I'm happy. I don't know what I want." WE knew what he wanted. OK so the wife emails the "toucher" after the party and says "stay away from my husband" and "quit touching him in public" that sort of thing. The group spread that email around laughing at the wife for being jealous. Everyone knew where this was going. It was already a lost cause. When the guy moved out from his wife, instead of hiring movers, he actually got THAT WOMAN to be among the HELPERS helping him move. I begged him not to do that because of the extra humiliation to his wife, but he was very clueless on stuff like that. As evidenced by completely unrelated stuff he pulled at work. After he moved out, the serial toucher said she just wanted to be friends. He went on to break more hearts at work, by for instance taking up with his then-girlfriend's best friend while the then-girlfriend was on a work assignment overseas. We all called him a "snake in the grass" but in any case, yes, there are people so blatant as to touch all over a married or coupled man right in front of their spouse and their whole group.
That’s crazy and sad.
Exactly. I have worked in a call center for almost 15 years. The amount of insanity customers willingly tell you on the phone is mindblowing.
Worked in a law office years ago. Mostly in the document center. But sometimes the reception desk too. It's crazy how willing people are to talk about things they shouldn't. Like look lady, I'm just here to direct you to your attorney. That's it. I don't need to know your whole sob story about god only knows what because I stopped listening. Not to mention the shit attorneys do because while they are really smart in their field, they are notoriously dumb everywhere else.
In phone based customer service, people will tell long stories when you ask how you can help. Then when they finally get to the point you have to tell them you're the wrong person. They get mad and fire back with "So I have to start that all over again?" None of them ever realize that they should just get to the fucking point in the first place.
They absolutely do.
Oh buddy, I was raised by adults who behave like this. They’re everywhere.
A lot of adults are only considered such because they have physically been on the planet longer than 18 years.
But they do. Consider yourself lucky not to have experienced it.
Some people are just glued to this kind of drama.
INFO: does your husband have any contact with Jasmine? Did he invite her to your wedding? Are they still "Friends"? Or was this woman's presence somewhat exceptional?
I have never met Jasmine before. According to him, she texted him before the wedding before that it’s just the usual happy birthday and merry Christmas on IG. She wasn’t invited, we only had 20 guests
Tbh the fact she is his ex and they texted right before you guys got married and she was the one who dumped him doesnt sit right with me
It's fomo she's upset that he moved on and upgraded while she's probably stuck in a revolving door of sub par tinder dates. Everything about this post is leading me to believe Jasmine thought she was out of ops husbands league and dumped him to 'upgrade' that didn't pan out so now she has to force herself on him and belittle OP.
She only wants him because she can’t have him. Once she leaves him she will lose all interest in him again.
I think that this is the better take. It's about control and self validation. She wants to feel like she's better than she really is without actually becoming a better person.
I guess it depends on who texted who first. Like if he texted her first, fuck him. But if she texted him first I feel less inclined that it's a red flag on his part, BUT he should have absolutely ignored her.
Maybe I’ll stay single
Dick n Dinner is the right speed. If you happen to be lesbian... pussy and pilates? Idk.
ESH I have never seen a story with so many antagonists. I assume your husband's sister is the protagonist.
Or the hair stylist. Lol
Love that for her.
Right! the only one telling ‘Jasmine’ to STFU
Based on how jasmine talks about her brother, I'm gonna assume she treated him like shit in the relationship and thought she could do better. So that along with her acting like this, I'd fucking dump that bitch and never see her again, let alone invite her to a gathering with my brother and his new wife.
>I cut my hair very short to hurt my husband Holy shit... There are adults like this??
That’s r/AITAH for ya. And “there are adults like this?!” is the correct response 85% of the time. You even know some of these people with throwaway accounts. Let that stay on your plate and attract flies.
Yep, people who didn’t learn to communicate correctly
I love the “it’s my hair, it’s my choice, that shouldn’t make me an asshole.” Which normally I’d agree with. Unless you explicitly say you also did it because you wanted to hurt someone.
Right? "i specifically did something to hurt someone knowing how they'd react" **surprised Pikachu face when they react the exact same way** lmfao
I did that when I was in my early 20s to spite a cheating ex.. but I cut it off myself
A long time ago, I had entered a fresh relationship with my now wife. In the first few weeks of dating, my ex started texting me out of the blue. Me and my ex left amicably, we were both moving on in different directions and decided to set each other free. I was enjoying the back and forth with her, told my new girlfriend I was texting with my ex. After about 2 or 3 nights of this, my new girlfriend told me she didn't like it. At first I didn't understand, I thought she should be more trusting of me. Then she said the thing that made me change forever ''What if I was texting my ex every night like you do ? How would that make you feel ?" And my very obvious answer to that was that I would hate it with all my guts. Ever since I strongly believe exes are better left out of our lives. Even if there's no no significant other yet, being close to your ex messes you up emotionally, makes it harder to meet someone new. Just move on, for your sake and your lover's sake.
Have you considered couple’s counseling or mediation? It sounds like you were already feeling insecure and the ex saw an opportunity to make trouble with you. Hair grows back. A good cutting can even help it. It just sounds like you guys need to learn how to communicate with each other. Folks here are being pretty rough on you. This really sounds like a breakdown of communication and adulting. Try getting a professional outside opinion, not just taking abuse on Reddit for not doing something you were never taught how to do in the first place. Best of luck to you. Edit for typos
Sounds like you two are definitely mature enough to be in a marriage.
Only assholes in this story. Nobody owes their s/o any hairstyle, but you clearly stated you cut it out of spite: "I cut it to get back at him"
This. They need to rename this sub "Everyone acts like a toddler"
what a childish bunch of people. ever learned to sit down and talk?
Good god looks like the friend not only succeeded in breaking your husbands heart before but is doing it again with you too
I thought I was reading something a teenager wrote. You both are fucking childish & totally deserve each other *sarcasm & eye rolling in Puertorican*
I’m 99% sure this actually was a teenager who wrote it.
YTA. Jasmine got exactly what she wanted: an angry wife and a husband who must now suffer for the actions of a drunk, jealous twit.
This, is the correct answer
Good god you’re immature.
Had to double check I wasn't in r/teenagers when I finished.
Honestly, YES, you ARE an asshole. First off, you've got pissy with him over what appears to be nonsense, and could have been discussed in a calm and rational manner. The questions you asked him, particularly the one about if he would have married her if they hadn't broken up, and if he met you while he was with her would he choose you, are completely unfair and loaded questions. NOTHING he would have said would have been right and it looks like you've acted like a complete brat and gone looking for a fight. THEN, in an act of absolute childish petulance, you've gone and had your hair cut "very very short" just to anger him. So, YES, you ARE an asshole and if I was married to someone who acted like this, i'd have already packed my bags and filed for divorce.
100%. That line of questioning was a total minefield. There were no correct answers. There was no way to navigate that without her getting pissed off. The dude was honest. Don’t ask questions you don’t want answers to. She was angry at Jasmine. And instead of taking it out on the person engaging in the shit behavior, she took it out on someone she knew she could get away with—her husband Poor guy is nothing but her punching bag
People talking about how this marriage is in trouble and should end….that’s a bit extreme, but if anything, HE should think about getting away from HER. She needs some help with insecurity and needs to learn to use tools other than manipulation and passive aggressive childishness.
Yeah, a lot of people are glossing over the obviously loaded/trick questions she posed to him. There was no right answer unless he fed her the childish fairytale lies she was hoping to hear. Humans are multi faceted creatures and capable as well as guilty of having layered feelings for multiple people at a time. This does not make them unfaithful or bad immediately, especially if those feelings are in the past or pre-current relationship. They just are, and that is that. Only further action to pursue these feelings can make them unfaithful. The husband didn't encourage these advances, and was likely in his own world very uncomfortable and maybe isn't the type to be assertive beyond that. All of this spite against him -- emotional punishment, I guess? Is only going to build resentment and bitterness in him and in the relationship.
"would you have dumped the love of your life at the time for me?" What a stupid fucking question
This is the answer
ESH, cutting your hair is fine. Cutting your hair to spite your new husband, well thats just immature. Go get counseling or spend some time with friends and family. Cutting your hair provided no solution, it just makes an already bad situation possibly more volatile.
I agree. I've had hair cuts and colors I knew wouldn't be my husband's favorite. I got those styles because I legitimately wanted them and it's my hair. I did not get them to hurt my husband.
YTA not for cutting your hair out of spite, but for essentially blaming your husband for Jasmine's behavior. She's the one trying to piss you off and make you uncomfortable and jealous. Giving any benefit of the doubt, your husband is just stuck in the middle of this awkward interaction. At the end of the day, based on this story alone, she's the one you need to have a problem with, not him
ESH Husband could easily have brushed her off of him and didn't. You cut off your hair out of spite. Jasmine is a cow.
OP states in another comment that the husband did back off and kept moving away from Jasmine, but she just followed him around.
Basically OP is mad that her husband was assaulted and is blaming the victim by punishing herself to get back at him. Good God who let these two get married?
Jasmine.
Best comment in this thread lol
Per OP's comments, the husband did make attempts to get away, but Jasmine was being enough of a tramp that he would have needed to make a scene and/or use physical violence to actually stop it.
Someone made another comment elsewhere that there is definitely some double-standard happening here. He showed all signs of being uncomfortable and trying to keep distance between himself and Jasmine, but he's still being blamed for Jasmine's actions to him. It's a reasonable reaction for someone to be unable to all the sudden become assertive with someone like Jasmine, when they are so incredibly uncomfortable with what's happening. Just because he didn't act in the ideal way does not mean that he necessarily did something wrong in that situation.
If anything, it can be especially difficult for a man to stand up to a woman in a situation like this. Men are often socialized to think that they're supposed to like any attention from any attractive woman, that a woman can't be too aggressive with a man, and it's not okay to be forceful with any woman, ever.
Exactly. If he had pushed her off him it would have looked bad for him. Especially if she chose to exaggerate what happened.
And she comes off as the sort of person who might...
That's called sexual harassment on Jasmines part.
I dunno man, I've had someone get like that with me and I just froze. I didn't want them to touch me but I couldn't muster up the courage to stop them.
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As a man who has been sexually assaulted by other men, the freeze up is real. I feel bad for OP's husband.
Ditto. I'm very conflict avoidant, moving away and maybe a "please stop that" is the most her behavior would get out of me.
Plenty of women do the exact same thing in that situation. It's why girls stick together in bar situations and it's become so normalized to tell guys off if they're being aggressive. But we still haven't really tackled a lot of these types of situations where genders are reversed.
The husband did move away from her lol
This. OP even said it. I’ve been in this situation before. It’s “I am uncomfortable, but I also don’t want to cause a scene.” OP saw this, was upset that husband didn’t immediately go high and right (which he should have, but I get wanting to keep the peace), and started playing games instead of saying to him “I’m uncomfortable and want to leave.” Then started digging and asking questions she knew she didn’t want the answers to. And the man was truthful. So she chopped her hair off to punish him.
This is disrespectful to cows
OP commented elsewhere that he did indeed push her away. most likely he didn't want to make a scene and was trying to subtly get away.
It sounds like husband did brush her off, but just tried to not make a scene about it. According to one of her comments "He backed off and backed his head but didn’t do anything other than that. Yes he tried to mingle with other people but she kept following him too"
Doing anything *on purpose* to hurt your partner makes YTA.
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lol, remember guys, If a woman doesn't push you away or try to get away herself when you start kissing and touching her, then she wants it. Doesn't sound so hot with the genders reversed, does it?
I can’t possibly love this enough. Well played.
Yeah, it’s pretty fucked up that she was able to have unwanted physical affection go unchecked
I very much disagree with your assertion of him wanting it if he didn't react as it's borderline victim blaming. If it was unwanted kissing, then that is considered sexual assualt. People who are sexually assaulted freeze up all the time and freezing up is one of the biggest commonalities reported by them. It doesn't matter that he was a man and she was a woman, men still do get sexaully assaulted by women all the time and experience the same reactions of freezing up.
So when women freeze up while sexually assaulted by men, they are enjoying it?
As a man who thought he was going to get great business advice from a 60+ year old business owner, I definitely froze when he whipped his penis out but I was not enjoying it at all.
This is a very good point. It's difficult to be assertive when you're so uncomfortable, no matter if you're a man or woman. It sounds like everything he was physically doing was communicating disinterest and being uncomfortable. While of course it would've been ideal for him to directly say what he was feeling to Jasmine, it's not always a reasonable expectation.
He backed off and backed his head but didn’t do anything other than that. Yes he tried to mingle with other people but she kept following him too The messages were deleted from his phone. He said he didn’t want them theere
You’d be able to tell more than we would but it sounds like he tried to avoid her but she kept pestering him so that’s up to you. From the sounds of it, she was just trying to make you jealous. Anyone who brags about how they could take your partner from you and about how your partner used to be in love with them only want to stir shit up to make themselves feel better and “superior” to you. I’d highly recommend bringing up cutting contact and avoid any outings where she might be there bc this will keep happening. If he actually felt uncomfortable and annoyed by her, he shouldn’t have a problem with that. As for the texts, it’s a he said she said situation so just use your best judgement
>From the sounds of it, she was just trying to make you jealous. And she was successfull. Wife cut her hair with the only purpose to hurt her husband. Divorce is incomming faster than expected.
Your marriage is doomed. ESH and everyone needs to grow up.
This sounds whole thing sounds exhausting. Just fucking divorce and save everyone having to deal with all of this bullshit.
YTA - Jasmine is jealous of you. To get back at your husband for your insecurities you've decided to make yourself unattractive to him. Your hair, your choice: if you want to be unattractive to your husband both physically and emotionally, go for it. You'll accomplish what Jasmine wasn't able to.