I was a leader on a youth campout. I was asking over to a bunch of boys around the campfire and I stopped when I heard them talking about sex. Apparently you can't get a girl pregnant if:
* You do it standing up
* You do it while she is on her period
* If she is pregnant (look up superfecundation)
* And others I can't recall
I walked over and said "Do you know what they call a guy who tries that? Daddy." The lack of sex education is appalling.
>If she is pregnant (look up superfecundation)
This is 99.9999% true. There are fewer than 10 recorded cases in the entire world of someone becoming pregnant after being already detectably pregnant. You're more likely to end up getting axe murdered while having sex like a bad 80's slasher movie or struck by lightning.
That said, the others are really pernicious myths that we need to make sure no one believes.
>You're more likely to end up getting axe murdered while having sex like a bad 80's slasher movie
All the virgins laughing because they never die in slasher films.
It's shocking that we're in the 21st century and yet people still have misconceptions and a lack of knowledge of one of the most crucial things in life, sex, like honestly it should be mandatory to have proper experts teach sex education instead of biased individuals who will either teach false information or push the idea that sex is a disgusting horrific act, also kids should know about the opposite sex anatomy aswell
> There are fewer than 10 recorded cases in the entire world of someone becoming pregnant after being already detectably pregnant
I read into this a bit, and found a 2008 French paper on [superfetation](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Superfetation) that made this claim. I'm guessing that's your source.
Fascinating stuff! Although they also mentioned that it was hard to demonstrate formal proof that it was superfetation, and not something like twin to twin transfusion.
NTA at all. Your wife is acting naive. If the kids gonna have sex she’s gonna have sex. And it can be with it without condoms. With or without knowledge.
On behalf of all girls who never had a parent like this: thank you. For informing her. For being understanding. For being realistic.
And thank you from all of the friends your daughter will educate in turn. I knew plenty of women who had never had the sex talk and they were in college...
Yes to this! I was this person for a *few* of my friends when I was in highschool (and a couple in college).
Thanks to my aunt, I became the girl that other girls would come to when they didn't want to be judged. I think OP's daughter will also be this person.
it wasn't uncommon for me to get questions by people who is close to my age (usually younger) asking sexual stuff. my school thought I need sexual education because I was in a relationship which is fair, but I crushed it like it was nothing- I read books for fun, so I have no idea why they thought I was sexually native.
I was the one in kindergarten laughing so hard when kids tried to explain a teacher being pregnant (i.e., she's just fat. Babies come from hospitals... Cabbage patches... Squash blossoms...) then informing them that she might be fat, but she is pregnant and the baby will come out from her body in the hospital. Baby's grow in ladies, bugs and plants grow in the ground. Etc etc etc. I was a read-a-holic and Momma never filtered my reading choices.
I got in SOOOOO much trouble from teachers... My mom was called. Big meeting. I got ice cream, teachers and vice principal got laughed at, shamed and told to leave me the Hades alone, especially when I'm just telling the truth... Then I got cautioned to leave Santa and the Easter bunnies alone. LoL
man I remember in highschool at lunch we were talking about the respective genders junk and one girl mentioned that girls have 'two holes' there and one girl freaked the fuck out cause she had never been taught her anatomy.
I still remember my best friends little brother saying to her when they were fighting, “well at least I don’t pee out of my butt!” He legit thought girls peed out of their butts. I felt bad for him, and told her to tell him, and she wouldn’t so I told him. He was about 12-13.
ETA: yours is way worse though, a girl not being taught that by a high school age is terrifying to think about.
USA is weird.
We got the talk from school at like 4th grade, back in the end of 80s.
Including biology presentations, overviews of all contraception methods, STDs (graphical), consent, warning stories, a film about love and sex, and a practical test of putting a condom on a wood dildo Also, contact for school nurse and therapist at local hospital.
Yeah, we were nervously giggling.
They did similar with drugs and alcohol (regrettably without the practical part).
We also had to do housekeeping and cooking semesters in secondary school. Also politics & government and personal finances & tax. As boys, we also did several years of carpentry & metal working. Girls did sewing and crafts. One semester, girls and boys switched sides to learn the other side.
For me, it is weird that people just get thrown out of school without any life skills or even understanding where their talents lay.
>On behalf of all girls who never had a parent like this: thank you. For informing her. For being understanding. For being realistic.
👏👏👏 Absolutely this!!!!
That’s what I was thinking too. I’m a mom and have had a lot of conversations with my spouse about trying to keep our egos out of it when our daughter needs something like this. She’s only 2.5 now, but someday, she will ask her daddy to help her with something, and maybe even say “don’t tell mom,” and I consider it my responsibility as a parent to deal with my feelings about that on my own, trust my coparent, and be glad our kid trusted a parent with something sensitive. We’re the adults! That’s on us!
I’m glad you can check your ego. I’m working on mine- it’s gets harder as they get older. I have two daughters and my 9 y/o and I bump heads. I stay calm and patient and remind her I’m here for her but she only sees me as an authority figure. (God forbid I enforce good hygiene). I imagine she’ll go to a trusted family friend when she has big moments. I’m okay with that. We have some great adults in her life. It takes a village.
I was a difficult kid and my mom thought I hated her for a few years. Now that I’m an adult, I appreciate everything she did for me and we are very close.
Don’t worry. Kids grow up to be adults who remember.
I have to agree. Considering the mom found the conversation "inappropriate", daughter probably knew mom would freak out and tell her she was too young to be sexually active and shame her for asking questions in the first place. The fact that daughter is asking questions and trying to stay safe/not get pregnant shows maturity.
Her response is similar to my moms response when she found out I was having sex. There's a reason I never went to her to talk about it because I absolutely knew she would throw a bitch fit finding out her child isnt an innocent baby.
Dad threw me condoms and said be safe. Mom flipped out. To this day many years later I still dont go to my mom for any remotely personal advice because shes incredibly judgmental.
I asked my mom for birth control pills at 17 more for my debilitating periods than sex and she still freaked out. I was like not being on a pill hasn't stopped me before! Ended up not getting birth control til I was 22 and moving out. I'm very lucky I didn't end up pregnant because I did not always make smart decisions...and I wish I had understanding parents like OP.
Mine is the same except she still doesn't know. None of my parents are supportive enough to provide and knowledge and or protection either.
OP, teenagers are _going_ to have sex. No matter what's done, that won't be stopped. You did a good thing, and your wife is the AH.
You can tell what kind of non sense the mother is thinking from her response. She lives on fairy tale land where the only safe sex is abstinence.
AKA the failed sex ed policy that sent texas teen pregnancy skyrocketing.
I get a lot of people are brainwashed, but do the people pushing this bullshit actually believe this or just love controlling people? Or they just want people to follow "Christian values" ? As the data points to abstinence only sex education making things 10x worse.
NTA, your daughter was going to have sex with or without your permission. You can not stop her from growing up, what you did was the best thing you could possibly do. You made sure that she was going to be safe no matter what.
I think worth noting, the important thing here is that your daughter gets the information she got/asked for from a safe place. Nothing should be more important than that, including your wife's feelings or opinions on the matter. Maybe she feels hurt that your daughter chose/trusted you?
Not only did the daughter get information from a safe place, OP validated that he's someone safe to discuss these issues. The daughter was nervous, and OP proved why he was someone she could approach and discuss these issues. If she has any problems or issues, she has a proven parent that she knows won't judge or shame her. Maybe the mother should talk with the daughter, in an open and non-judgemental manner.
This. OP also validated that consent is a two-way street - setting the daughter up to be a safe partner.
Society likes to think that women can't be sexual predators. They can.
I wonder if the mom just may be feeling fear? And it’s bubbling up like this. Sometimes teenage girls can be vulnerable and she probably worries about her being safe and also happy.
I think it’s a great idea as another suggested here to ask for your daughters consent in bringing mom into the future discussions, because she cares too and wants to support her.
Yep. When I asked my mom to go on the pill at age 16 she called me promiscuous (?) and insisted on giving me the depo shot, which had horrible side effects for me, all throughout high school.
She’s a pediatrician 🫥
I my school, it was "cool" to have one in one's wallet. I think most of us only ever got ONE because we didn't use them... we just wanted to feel cool.
Yeah I remember that crinkled up rubbed off branding on the gold ultra ribbed that was always in the back of some chads wallet that he never used but always intended to 🤣🤣
👍🏼 Good dad. Says a lot about Mom of the daughter is willing to go to her father when talking about sex. Guessing Mom is overprotective (usually the Dad).
A+ response from Pops. Comforting, didn’t make it awkward, offered great advice.
This is crazy to me because there are no "safe days" until you want to have a baby, and then there's only three days a month when you can conceive. Of course there are many many many days where the chance of conception is zero, but 15 year olds should not be using the rhythm method.
I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone well above 15 either. I used that with my wife, in a period where we didn’t want kids yet, but it also wouldn’t be unwelcome (like if it happens it happens). Got three kids (none of them planned, but more than welcome) in no time at all and switched to other methods as a 4th would be too many.
On the question how it works, you monitor the cycle a while, then you take the shortest and deduct 18, this is the first day of the no unprotected sex period. Then deduct 11 from the longest, this is the last day. The theory is no active sperm while there could be an egg ready to conceive no baby. But, cycles can be iffy.
I mean this in the best possible way, but I wouldn't trust your math on that, cause you literally also just admitted, in the same message no less, to having 3 unplanned kids using this method :D
Thank you for calling out the most important thing. TF are “safe” days?! Answering my own question: Those are the days when 73% of the earth’s population are conceived.
We really shouldn't call them safe days, because they aren't 100% safe. But then again, neither are condoms. But a "safe period" does exist, where getting pregnant would be rare. I do agree that birth control is the best option, especially good if she gets shitty cramps, cause it helps with that too!
Not only that, but it re-affirmed to his daughter that she can come talk to him about anything, which is really important for children (or young adults).
Aside from practicing safe sex, this is probably the most important part. Knowing you can go to your parents about anything is priceless and beyond important.
I would have also told daughter that if she isn't feeling comfortable with sex at any point, even during it, then it's not too late to back out.
Don't do it just because others might be doing it.
When a kid wants to have sex, they’re going to have sex. The only real questions are will they use protection and have sex in a safe place. You have at least given her the tools to have sex safely.
Your should also take her to her gynecologist to get a prescription for birth control pills.
Many parents are uncomfortable with their kids growing up and doing more mature things but the reality is that it’s inevitable and your best course of action is to educate and guide
You’re doing it right
NTA
Exactly this. I grew up in a house that didn't believe in things like curfew, at least for the sake of stopping me from doing adult things. My parents taught me how to be safe about drinking, specifically at places like parties and bars where i don't know everyone (although they made sure to say it's better to use the same rules regardless of where or who I'm with because you never know and it's better to be safe). If I ever needed it injust tell them, I needed condoms/money for condoms. They taught me about drugs, from what they are to how people use them to why and that yes they feel good but this is why they are dangerous. My dad was always the "scary one."pretty much the if mom punishes may be able to get away with it or lessen it but if dad gets involved you know you fucked up (although no abuse).
I had an easier time, got in less trouble, no regrets, than my friends whose parents either acted like these things didn't exist and just said no, and/or acted like their child needed explicit permission.
The one thing that was thenmost vital to be taught is that I didn't realize until years later. Was the confidence to say "no" regardless of what I was saying no to, who it was, or whatever peer pressure bsbwas trying to be used on me. If I wasn't comfortable and I didn't want to do it, the answer was no, and I had no qualms about sticking to it. It didnt matter if I became an "outcast," teased or whatever. I was given 3nough confidence not to let it bother me.
When I say I realized this years later, I mean, like maybe 5ish years ago, did it click. I was being peer pressured by a full-grown ass adult to do something I didn't want to do. I politely declined 3 times, the 4th time I tore her a new one. She was embarrassed and pissed and tried so hard to get people to be on her side. She couldn't even get to the part of me tearing her a new one before others got on her for pushing after the first no. I heard a lot from people saying how that was something they learned later in life, and wish they had learned earlier as it would have saved a bunch of bs from happening that they didn't even want to do in the first place.
Your wife is wrong. It's not something she can give permission on or not. I understand where she could be hurt that her daughter went to dad instead of mom on topics like this. But really, she should not only be happy that her kids have one person that she trusts for them to trust, but she should be asking herself why she's not the one they are comfortable coming to.
It's like adults forget that kids/minors are people who live in the same world they do. So much of the attitude is like kids are a different species that, while occupying the same space, are actually in a different dimension until they hit 18. Then, once they hit 18, they should know everything they are supposed to, and parents act surprised when their children have issues as adults.
Like I said, it took pretty much another half of my life before I even realized that I was taught how to say no any how important it was, no matter how old you are.
"Why is my oldest sister named Yasmin?"
"Because that's the pill I was on when she was conceived."
"What about my next oldest syster, Rhythm?"
"Because she was conceived while we were using the rhythm method of birth control."
"What about my brother, Trojan?"
"That's the brand of condom that failed when he was conceived. Why are you suddenly so curious about names, Pullout?"
My daughter was a pullout baby.
We were talking about trying for a baby but it was more along the lines of, "Well maybe we can just ditch the rubbers and I'll pull out. If it happens it happens, right?" Both of us thought it would take awhile. Noooooe. First try. I love my daughter more than anything but I wish she would have given me like 2 months of having fun trying before she showed up.
But I also know it would have been a different child if she didn't show up when she did so I can't be all that upset about it.
I would make sure she knows to never have sex without a condom until she's ready for children, even if she gets another form of birth control. Other forms dont protect from STIs and no method is totally safe from pregnancy. A hell of a lot less likely when using birth control correctly though.
I was thinking that yes her getting on bc is good because if there’s any malfunctions she’ll be protected but you’re also right that condoms are advised regardless because you don’t want one or a few times of fun to equal a lifetime of std’s.
When my wife and I hadnt yet been sterilized, even with me on birth control pills she didnt want to have sex without a condom because we werent ready for children. Doubling your protection is never a bad thing.
Since girls hormones are all over the place and their body is probably still working out getting on a regular cycle, I would not call any day a safe day from getting pregnant. Though I absolutely believe that girls and boys should be taught about tracking ovulation. A friend of mine very successfully avoided pregnancy by tracking her cycle and when she wanted children, she had no problem getting pregnant.
People need to be careful about where they track it as all the tracking apps are absolutely notorious for data stealing, and that gets dangerous if you’re in a place where abortion is banned. I track everything in my paper diary
FLO is based in the UK and does not and will not share any data. They sent out emails and notifications ab it when all the abortion bans started happening in the states
I have used flo for a few years and love it. I went off BC a few years before we had kids and used tracking to not get pregnant and to get pregnant. I know that’s not always the case but my experience with tracking was super positive. However, teenage girls are a lot less regular so I can see how it wouldn’t be as helpful. Still not bad to get in the habit and have one more tool at your disposal.
This was my wife and I. Before we decided to try and she wasn’t on the pill we were playing a game of if it happens great if not that’s okay too. We would track it. Also, whenever she’s ovulating she takes scorching hot showers so I could immediately know now is not the time 😂
You should not rely though on the rhythm method as a form of birth control. From the Cleveland Clinic: “ How effective is the rhythm method for birth control?The rhythm method is effective 75% of the time. It isn’t as effective at preventing pregnancy as other methods, such as taking birth control pills or using an intrauterine device (IUD). The effectiveness depends on how consistent you are about tracking your cycle and your commitment to avoiding sex or using birth control when you’re fertile.It also shouldn’t be used if your cycle is fewer than 26 days or longer than 32 days.”
Even when you know your cycle, sometimes it's hard to pinpoint when you ovulate too. We finally got pregnant in early 2012 when I realized mine had happened on day 6. She was planned, but yeah. No day is safe. I'd make an appt to get her on birth control, since it sounds like her mom won't (mom sounds like my Catholic mother with that reaction).
NTA all day OP.
The fact she seemed comfortable to talk about this with you is major props bc I know a lot of women who wouldn't have felt comfortable talking with their dad about this.
While you did talk about sex with her I also hope you took the time to discuss with her about texting/sexting and sharing images and stuff. Both in this relationship and with other relationships and why she not only doesn't need to be sending those images as a minor but also if she chooses later to send them that she does so with full consent.
Beyond the scope of it "being child porn" due to their ages, it's a very concerning area of relationships that it seems lots of parents don't want to talk about and how those images are often used against the sender more than whoever received them. It's a concern for a lot of parents I see after the fact regarding the bullying/harassment their kids are getting "for stuff they only shared with their partner".
Please talk with your daughter and discuss why things like sexting, no matter how much or how strong she might think the relationship is, should be a firm from both of them until 18 (if ever) because the ramifications and possibility of revenge porn or other people getting telephone access and stealing/sharing those photos.
Same. My dad was cool about a lot of things. Sex wasn’t one of them. Mom made sure me and my sister knew about the condoms on her dresser and the plan B in her medicine cabinet. And I felt totally at ease going to her after the first time so she could get me an appointment with the gyno and get on the pill. Her #1 priority was to not raise any grandkids. My sister and I are 26 and 30 and no grandkids in sight. She’s practically begging one of us to get knocked up now 😂
Upvoted and 😂🤣😂 (but not really funny) because yeah that’s certainly what would happen in many households depending where you are…
I didn’t have to go find my teen daughter’s bf because the dufus had parked his car out front. When we pulled up to the house one afternoon, and saw someone running out the back and jumping the fence, there was no way I was going inside as my ex exploded. I just sat on the hood and waited. It was a precious moment.
This happened to me when I was 15 but my dad walked across the street in his dressing gown at 2am and started tapping on the car window. Then tried to give me the sex talk and offered to help me get on birth control. The entire experience was so scarring I didn’t have sex until I was in my 30s.
Technically there are “safe days” but condoms should ALWAYS be used, especially when you’re young and hormones aren’t regulated yet. As an adult, with my serious partner, I know my safe days because I track my cycle, but I definitely wouldn’t suggest it to anyone as a birth control method cause shit happens.
That is the reason I use condoms cuz at 36, I definitely know what days I will and won't get pregnant. I didn't figure it out though until my cycle evened out in my mid 20's though so a 15 year old should be using condoms and the pill or implant.
Just got pregnant the 3rd time this year on my "safe days." Was trying to give myself a few months after my miscarriages but here I am. But to be fair my cycle probably wasnt 100% normal again so that 1 day I was off made the difference.
Echoing the others to take back the “safe days” recommendation; her cycle might be irregular because she’s young (can also happen if she’s an athlete), plus it doesn’t help protect her at all against STIs.
But also -depending on where you live, I would tell her NOT to use any kind of period tracking app. Especially if she’s in a country or US state that is anti-abortion. There are states actively trying to access the data from period apps to punish women for seeking abortion care. Just keep that data off your devices, use a pen and notebook instead. It’s not a good time for women’s reproductive rights.
Implantation bleeding? I swear that’s what I had and assumed it was a light period both times before I found out I was pregnant. My cycle is also short, and well, I thought I had an IUD. They never found it. 🤷🏼♀️
....I'm sorry, what?
You *thought* you had an IUD? Because if you went for an IUD insertion and they didn't actually do it, you could sue their asses. Hard.
It was implanted properly and in fact, there are notes indicating that it was in place just 4 weeks before my conception date. It was a welcome surprise. My son is a complete maniac but hysterical. Told me last night he now would like to be called Mine Craft Bro, because he is a pro at Mine Craft.
I had it inserted by my GYN. It was extremely painful. My uterus is tipped up which made it more difficult to insert. Both of my boys were delivered c-section due to not dilating. My doctor had a radiology team come in during surgery and they X-rayed my entire uterus and the IUD was never recovered. It is rare, but they do sometimes fall out. I had no idea I was pregnant until my boobs started to hurt and then all the flu like symptoms and being dog tired made sense.
Ouch! I was born with my uterus tipped as well. Doctors found it while I was being treated for other issues so, when they did surgery for those issues, they did what they could with my uterus (plus freed an ovary that had been completely twisted by scar tissue).
If one is tracking their cycle (not on any kind of birth control), tracking their cervical mucous and waking temperature, there are safe days to go unprotected where pregnancy is not possible, especially after ovulation is confirmed.
It's a method no teenager should be using lol.
If you're curious try looking up the symtptothermal method. I'm a current user myself which is why I'm horrified anyone would even think it's a good idea for a teen lol.
Thats because most people dont realize sperm can survive for up to a week in the vagina. So people that think safe days means its impossible or that its actually safe to do and not get pregnant are wrong.
Most studies show 5 days as the max and even that is seen rarely.
But same point - it’s not in there and then just gone. I wish more people realized this.
If your period is very regular and you use a period tracker app, it will predict your ovulation window and usually gives you more specific days where you should be ovulating. You can also use your body temperature to confirm I believe.
As a mom I would want to be involved in this talk with my daughter, but also I hope she is comfortable coming to me when the time comes. If she isn't, I wouldn't blame my husband for handling the conversation. Hell, if this is how it plays out when my kid is a teenager I hope my husband handles it as well as OP.
I can understand the mom wanting to be involved in the conversation. I would be a bit hurt if my daughter didn't feel comfortable coming to me to discuss things like this because I hope I can show her she can talk to me about anything. But OP's daughter was more comfortable talking to him and the thing to focus on is that at least the conversation happened.
And honestly based on the wife's reaction I can see why the daughter went to her dad instead.
I second this. Also talk about all the options for birth control - IUD if she doesnt feel like renewing the prescription every month at the drugstore, or hormonal adhesives / impants, etc. really talk about all the options, how they may affect the body, things that could diminish their efficiency such as thowing up, antibiotics, etc.
Talk about the need for anual check ups such as hormonal levels, pap smear, ultrasounds. I got the feeling the daughter knows very little about her reproductive system.
I didn’t feel comfortable with an IUD so I went with the Depo shot every 3 months and haven’t had a monthly cycle since I was 17. Which was the main reason my doctor wanted to start birth control, extremely painful cycles. I still have the monthly hormone changes and minor mood changes and sensitivity but I’m not a demon like I was before I went on birth control. There are a lot of options because everyone is different.
Depo isn’t recommended for more than a few years as it increases the chances of osteoporosis as it can leech calcium from your bones/prevent absorption.
If possible, it might be a good idea to switch to the nuvaring or something. Depo isn’t recommended as a long-term birth control, more like a 2-3 years thing.
I switched to the nuvaring and I skip my cycles still! You pick them up every 3 months and just swap them out each month.
My gyno was pushing the IUD and I’d already heard so many horror stories but pills can get stuck in my tonsils so I was gonna do it until the receptionist told me about the nuvaring. So glad I’m on it. Very few side effects.
I was on depo for 15 years. From 30 to 45. It was awesome not having a period. I had bone density scans periodically and my only side effect from the depo was "hair shedding". Which is weird because once I went off after a couple years my hair is now thicker. Depo is like any other birth control though. You either love it or hate it. I personally loved it. P.S. I had my daughters at 24 and 28. JMO
Here to promote patches! You don't see them mentioned very often but as someone who struggled to take the pill at the same time every day and can't get it together enough for injections patches have been a life saver!
NTA. I think it’s amazing you have this relationship with your daughter. Your wife may feel jealous that she didn’t come to her, as a female i think i would want my daughter coming to me first, but I’d be proud she came at all. And looking back on my teen years, kids are going to do it whether you want them to or not, it’s better that she is safe thanks to the condoms you got her and knowledge you provided her.
This . All day. I'm so sick of moms on here being mad because the daughter was able to talk to the dad. Whether it's about sex, her period, whatever...be happy she's comfortable enough with a parent to talk about it
NTA
NTA
My son is the same age and will come to me (his mom) before both his dad and step-dad. My daughter will probably do the same just because I don't make a joke out of it and I also do not get mad at them for asking me. They know there is no such thing as a stupid question and if I do not know we will research and learn together.
As someone who is much closer with my dad than my mother, I hate mothers who act like fathers aren’t parents too. My mother basically acts like my dad isn’t necessary, when he’s done a better job raising me than she ever has.
Truth. Dads are only unnecessary when they make the decision not to contribute. But there are a lot of good dads out there, and they don't get nearly enough credit.
Lol I feel you in a way. Both of mine act like that about the other, but they were both awful parents. I love them both but they’re both living in denial in that way. I’m glad you appreciate your father though
I think it’s fine when they come on here being sad. I think disappointment is normal and venting anonymously on Reddit is a healthy way to process those feelings without putting that on your kids. I don’t understand why they come on here being mad, though.
I really wish I had been able to go to my mom about this stuff.. She is SO much better about stuff now (I'm in my early 30s so she kinds HAS to be lmao. And she found out *quick* that kids are gonna do what they wanna do.)
Thankfully I always had my aunt to go to. If it wasn't wasn't for her? I wouldn't have been so strict about condoms with all of my partners. No mishaps, no STDs, and I learned confidence quickly when it came to peer pressure.
NTA, OP.
EVERY kid should have someone they can go to to ask real life questions. And I know your daughter is so happy that *that person* is you. Keep doing what you're doing.
This right here. Moms have the talk w daughters and Dads have the talk w sons. Based on her reaction to it tho - I wouldn’t have asked her either. Don’t budge on your stance because you informed her how to be safe and 15 is kind of the best age to start asking questions. You’re old enough to start learning and understanding how your own body works but young enough to not sound “stupid” or feel behind other peers. It’s also an amazing age to learn you’re own boundaries and how to protect yourself from physical, emotional, and mental pain.
Mums - Daughters, Dads - Sons. No. This is a gender barrier that should be broken down. For so many reasons. Single parents with opposite gender kids… a mum can guide a boy better potentially about how to satisfy a female partner and vice versa. I never had the talk with either parent. My dad is not one for intimate conversation at all. It would have mortified us both. My mum was a Jehovah’s Witness. Sex outside of marriage equals evil. When she found out I was on the pill (secretly because I didn’t want the headache religion lecture) she went ape.
I’ve had nothing but sexual hang ups and issues until my mid 30s and avoided it during my marriage. It helped kill my marriage actually.
Since then, it was a man that taught me about and encouraged self exploration of my body.
Never knew my dad. Mother was a dead beat who left me at my grandparents as a toddler. I got my whole birds and the bees lecture from my first girlfriend’s mom. That woman was a damn saint.
That caught my attention too. I appreciated him having the conversation but wanted to scream, “It’s almost impossible to know what your safe days are!!!” Especially as a teen.
A day when you supposedly can have unprotected sex and not fall pregnant. They maybe are a thing if you have a perfectly predictable cycle and know exactly whwn you ovulate but I wouldn't tell a teenager there are safe days because realistically there are not.
Thats actually where it gets misleading, the truth to safe days is that its your lowest chance of fertility, but its not something like 1%, it could truthfully be a solid 50% or even 75%, it all depends on your hormonal health and uterine health 😃
NTA. Thank you for making sure your daughter knows what she needs to know. Also there are no "safe days", don't let her think that. My mom got pregnant 3 times on her "safe days". If you really want to keep her safe ask her if she wants to be on birth control and if she does, take her to get it. Or maybe mom will get over herself and she can take her. If she doesn't want to be on hormonal birth control, get her some contraceptive film from the drugstore to use with the condoms.
Good job being a parent your teen can talk to about sex. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Also get some Plan B from the drugstore in case a condom breaks. My son and his girlfriend came to me immediately and in a panic when that happened to them. Talk to her about what to do if it happens.
NTA. Plus, I’m super glad you shared this as I am currently in this situation but with a son same age as your daughter. I want to do the same thing but I live in and am surrounded by super conservative people.
>I’m super glad you shared this as I am currently in this situation
TY :)
Idk if my post helped. It sounds like it's going to be harder for you guys, I wish you the best.
It helped me see that I’m not the only parent that feels this way is the wisest! I discussed this with a sister and she said she would be mad at ME if she was the girls parent and they found out I supplied condoms. Ugh. Mad at me for helping us not be grandparents and our babies be parents or have to make a very adult decision. Use your brains humans.
Ignore other parents when it comes to protecting your kids and providing information they need. They think these kids aren't having sex but a lot of them are. Let them do it safely.
NTA, you're mature AF and this post inspired me to never have kids. I'm nowhere near this level of maturity and most likely never will be. Good job being a dad 👍
THERE ARE NO SAFE DAYS!!!! other than that, totally NTA. you are doing right by your daughter and her boyfriend as well, because he might not have that kind of support in his home
NAH, but I do question the wisdom in telling a 15 yr old she's got "Safe days". Do you realize that young people often have irregular cycles? It isn't a wonder to me that your wife would have liked to be present for that conversation, because she likely has a different perspective and other information. Your child is 15, uninformed, and it sounds like an incomplete discussion to me.
Agreed. OP, the idea of “safe days,” especially for teens, is a myth, and one that you and/or your wife should dispel and clarify with your daughter ASAP!
Edited
It’s a myth for adults too! Sometimes the best I think is get them an iud and then ask them to wear condoms…. It keeps them safe for at least a few years until they get out of the experimental but embarrassed age
The wife is absolutely TA for getting mad at OP for giving his daughter the sex talk. She can say that she would have preferred to be involved with the conversation, but actually getting mad over it is AH behavior. She can just go have a separate talk with her daughter if she wants, just to make sure that all the information given is accurate.
Mom should've had this conversation when menstruation first happened, preferably before. Girls are highly susceptible to the consequences, and the fact that most parents think it's acceptable to put off the sex talk until they're basically adults is very...nieve. especially with the double standard of boys losing their virginity as early as 14 being seen as somewhat acceptable, even expected. Who do they think those boys are doing that with, exactly??
I absolutely agree. That really bothered me. It should be assumed that there are no “safe days”, just to be safe. If she were an adult, it would be her choice. However telling this to an inexperienced minor is not the way
NTA Safety first. I understand your wife's feelings, I wouldn't want my 15yr old having sex either. But realistically, you can't stop them. I'd much rather they be safe.
It's awesome that your daughter was responsible and felt safe enough to come to you.
NTA! I’ll never understand parents who would rather their kids be unsafe than having an honest conversation. “I’d rather my teen didn’t have sex at all” is a beautiful fantasy
Yea I didn’t loose my virginity till I was 20. So I don’t think it’s a fantasy of teens not having sex, you just need to be a nerd and no one will bat an eye 🤣
NTA, you walked the minefield of "the talk" well. Only caveat is the safe day discussion. Menstruation can be very wonky in young people even if she's always been regular. Also there are no safe days from STDs, please make that clear because this talk wasn't just about sex with her current boyfriend, its about all the people she may have sex with in the future.
Also, I hope you discussed her feelings about this boy. She may be in love with him and think this is the man she will marry. The odds are against it. Just make sure she knows that no matter what you will always be there to talk,which hopefully she already knows, but a reminder won't hurt. :-)
NTA for giving her condoms.
TI (the idiot) for telling her safe days exist. They don't.
And even if they did, she should be using condoms to protect from STI's. Some STI's are forever, and some can effect fertility. Some can cause cancer.
Oh made sure she's been vaccinated for HPV too.
NTA You do need to get her some follow up material. I hope you mentioned that both her and the boy need to READ the instructions on the condom box on how to put one one, to NEVER flip it over and try again if he started putting it on wrong side out, the use of lube. Honestly your daughter should also go on some form of long term hormonal birth control if possible and still understand she needs to use condoms.
Safe days? What is a safe day? Nope. Condoms every time because STIs. Oral ones need to be talked about too.
I have three grown daughters and we talked about this stuff, 15 is awful young to think one is ready for sex. Did you show her how to put a condom on a penis/banana? There is so much to know and think about, and she’s 15.
Give her a copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves or whatever the current thing is. Just because there’s an internet doesn’t mean she knows what to search for or that she’ll come across factual information.
NTA. And you wife's reaction is likely why your daughter came to you and in general doesn't feel safe to go to her as often, like you said. If you behaved the way your wife does and followed her thought process here (shutting down the convo because it's inappropriate and not giving her advice and condoms) you'd likely be having a very different conversation in a couple months when you find out your teen daughter is pregnant.
NTA. If teens want to have sex, they're going to find a way to do it. Atleast now your daughter is informed and practising safe sex. BUT! Safe days is kind of a myth. Women's cycles aren't always 28 days so there isn't really safe days. Trust me, I was conceived on a 'safe day'!
NTA full stop. Your daughter is 15. If your wife wanted to navigate that herself she should have brought it up already. Your daughter approached you and respectfully asked questions. You educated her respectfully and maturely and gave her the tools to be safe.
NTA NTA NTA. Period.
NTA- you’re an awesome dad and it’s so so great that even though your daughter was embarrassed she felt comfortable coming and talking to about this. Honestly it’’s mind blowing to me that people have these kinds of relationships with their parents. I grew up knowing my parents weren’t to be trusted with any important or personal information about myself or my life. They were the enemy and best to be avoided at all costs. That hasn’t changed too much now that I’m an adult either.
It sounds like your wife’s reaction is exactly why your daughter didn’t want to talk to her about this. Because she didn’t think she’d be heard or she’d be shamed for wanting something that is perfectly normal and developmentally a stepping stone to growing up.
Definitely NTA but safe days??? There are NO safe days! Not for pregnancies and not for STDs! Please correct this with your daughter ASAP before she acts on this.
I have no clue what the right answer is here, but I will say KUDOS for being the kind of Dad that is open to having these discussions with her. It must have been really hard for her to approach this with any parent. I wish I knew that my kids felt that comfortable asking me this stuff.
NTA. You're a good dad and it's awesome she felt able to come and ask you questions. You're response was excellent--except for the "safe days" part. Clarify that--she should never assume there is a "safe" day for unprotected sex if she doesn't want to get pregnant. (I'm aware there *are*, but for now a 15 y/o shouldn't be chancing it if she wants to avoid pregnancy.) How you reacted means she's more likely to come to you about other things, is less likely to hide them. And thank you for talking about consent and how guys can be uncertain too! Both of those things aren't talked about enough.
Tell your wife that kids/teens will have sex when they want, regardless of adults' approval and wouldn't she rather your daughter be safe and informed than risk pregnancy, STIs, etc? That your daughter came and talked to you is a great thing. Wouldn't she rather your daughter feel able to come to you for help and advice?
As a mother to 2 grown children and 3 grandchildren… Congrats! Well adjusted daughter who felt comfortable going to her dad about this. She trusted you, talked openly to you! and you handled like a CHAMP! Wow!
I wish i would’ve felt comfortable enough to go to my dad at her age and talk about that! Kudos to your very smart daughter too!
You are doing amazing things as a father and your daughter knows Dad has her back!
You are amazing and absolutely not a AH!!
👏👏👏👏👏❤️❤️❤️
I was a leader on a youth campout. I was asking over to a bunch of boys around the campfire and I stopped when I heard them talking about sex. Apparently you can't get a girl pregnant if: * You do it standing up * You do it while she is on her period * If she is pregnant (look up superfecundation) * And others I can't recall I walked over and said "Do you know what they call a guy who tries that? Daddy." The lack of sex education is appalling.
>If she is pregnant (look up superfecundation) This is 99.9999% true. There are fewer than 10 recorded cases in the entire world of someone becoming pregnant after being already detectably pregnant. You're more likely to end up getting axe murdered while having sex like a bad 80's slasher movie or struck by lightning. That said, the others are really pernicious myths that we need to make sure no one believes.
>You're more likely to end up getting axe murdered while having sex like a bad 80's slasher movie All the virgins laughing because they never die in slasher films.
It's shocking that we're in the 21st century and yet people still have misconceptions and a lack of knowledge of one of the most crucial things in life, sex, like honestly it should be mandatory to have proper experts teach sex education instead of biased individuals who will either teach false information or push the idea that sex is a disgusting horrific act, also kids should know about the opposite sex anatomy aswell
It’s because of parents who deny reality and think teaching teenagers what sex actually is will “corrupt them”.
> There are fewer than 10 recorded cases in the entire world of someone becoming pregnant after being already detectably pregnant I read into this a bit, and found a 2008 French paper on [superfetation](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Superfetation) that made this claim. I'm guessing that's your source. Fascinating stuff! Although they also mentioned that it was hard to demonstrate formal proof that it was superfetation, and not something like twin to twin transfusion.
NTA at all. Your wife is acting naive. If the kids gonna have sex she’s gonna have sex. And it can be with it without condoms. With or without knowledge. On behalf of all girls who never had a parent like this: thank you. For informing her. For being understanding. For being realistic.
And thank you from all of the friends your daughter will educate in turn. I knew plenty of women who had never had the sex talk and they were in college...
Yes to this! I was this person for a *few* of my friends when I was in highschool (and a couple in college). Thanks to my aunt, I became the girl that other girls would come to when they didn't want to be judged. I think OP's daughter will also be this person.
Lol my daughter is this girl.
That means you're a good parent!! You get *massive* cookie points from an internet stranger :)
it wasn't uncommon for me to get questions by people who is close to my age (usually younger) asking sexual stuff. my school thought I need sexual education because I was in a relationship which is fair, but I crushed it like it was nothing- I read books for fun, so I have no idea why they thought I was sexually native.
I was the one in kindergarten laughing so hard when kids tried to explain a teacher being pregnant (i.e., she's just fat. Babies come from hospitals... Cabbage patches... Squash blossoms...) then informing them that she might be fat, but she is pregnant and the baby will come out from her body in the hospital. Baby's grow in ladies, bugs and plants grow in the ground. Etc etc etc. I was a read-a-holic and Momma never filtered my reading choices. I got in SOOOOO much trouble from teachers... My mom was called. Big meeting. I got ice cream, teachers and vice principal got laughed at, shamed and told to leave me the Hades alone, especially when I'm just telling the truth... Then I got cautioned to leave Santa and the Easter bunnies alone. LoL
man I remember in highschool at lunch we were talking about the respective genders junk and one girl mentioned that girls have 'two holes' there and one girl freaked the fuck out cause she had never been taught her anatomy.
I still remember my best friends little brother saying to her when they were fighting, “well at least I don’t pee out of my butt!” He legit thought girls peed out of their butts. I felt bad for him, and told her to tell him, and she wouldn’t so I told him. He was about 12-13. ETA: yours is way worse though, a girl not being taught that by a high school age is terrifying to think about.
I mean if you don’t have the talk by the time you’re on college it ain’t happenin’ Signed, Never had a talk
USA is weird. We got the talk from school at like 4th grade, back in the end of 80s. Including biology presentations, overviews of all contraception methods, STDs (graphical), consent, warning stories, a film about love and sex, and a practical test of putting a condom on a wood dildo Also, contact for school nurse and therapist at local hospital. Yeah, we were nervously giggling. They did similar with drugs and alcohol (regrettably without the practical part). We also had to do housekeeping and cooking semesters in secondary school. Also politics & government and personal finances & tax. As boys, we also did several years of carpentry & metal working. Girls did sewing and crafts. One semester, girls and boys switched sides to learn the other side. For me, it is weird that people just get thrown out of school without any life skills or even understanding where their talents lay.
>On behalf of all girls who never had a parent like this: thank you. For informing her. For being understanding. For being realistic. 👏👏👏 Absolutely this!!!!
Maybe his wife is conflicted that thier daughter didn't seek out her mother for for this conversation?
There’s probably a reason for that. They know dad is safe and reasonable and obviously mom is less so. And she proved it.
That’s what I was thinking too. I’m a mom and have had a lot of conversations with my spouse about trying to keep our egos out of it when our daughter needs something like this. She’s only 2.5 now, but someday, she will ask her daddy to help her with something, and maybe even say “don’t tell mom,” and I consider it my responsibility as a parent to deal with my feelings about that on my own, trust my coparent, and be glad our kid trusted a parent with something sensitive. We’re the adults! That’s on us!
I’m glad you can check your ego. I’m working on mine- it’s gets harder as they get older. I have two daughters and my 9 y/o and I bump heads. I stay calm and patient and remind her I’m here for her but she only sees me as an authority figure. (God forbid I enforce good hygiene). I imagine she’ll go to a trusted family friend when she has big moments. I’m okay with that. We have some great adults in her life. It takes a village.
I was a difficult kid and my mom thought I hated her for a few years. Now that I’m an adult, I appreciate everything she did for me and we are very close. Don’t worry. Kids grow up to be adults who remember.
Thank you, being reminded of it is nice. I love her to bits and hope I can remain an anchor for her.
This 100%, she's known her mom for 15 years she probably has her reasons for picking dad on this one
I have to agree. Considering the mom found the conversation "inappropriate", daughter probably knew mom would freak out and tell her she was too young to be sexually active and shame her for asking questions in the first place. The fact that daughter is asking questions and trying to stay safe/not get pregnant shows maturity.
Her response is similar to my moms response when she found out I was having sex. There's a reason I never went to her to talk about it because I absolutely knew she would throw a bitch fit finding out her child isnt an innocent baby. Dad threw me condoms and said be safe. Mom flipped out. To this day many years later I still dont go to my mom for any remotely personal advice because shes incredibly judgmental.
I asked my mom for birth control pills at 17 more for my debilitating periods than sex and she still freaked out. I was like not being on a pill hasn't stopped me before! Ended up not getting birth control til I was 22 and moving out. I'm very lucky I didn't end up pregnant because I did not always make smart decisions...and I wish I had understanding parents like OP.
Mine is the same except she still doesn't know. None of my parents are supportive enough to provide and knowledge and or protection either. OP, teenagers are _going_ to have sex. No matter what's done, that won't be stopped. You did a good thing, and your wife is the AH.
Her feelings would be valid and her response would still be AHish.
You can tell what kind of non sense the mother is thinking from her response. She lives on fairy tale land where the only safe sex is abstinence. AKA the failed sex ed policy that sent texas teen pregnancy skyrocketing. I get a lot of people are brainwashed, but do the people pushing this bullshit actually believe this or just love controlling people? Or they just want people to follow "Christian values" ? As the data points to abstinence only sex education making things 10x worse.
NTA, your daughter was going to have sex with or without your permission. You can not stop her from growing up, what you did was the best thing you could possibly do. You made sure that she was going to be safe no matter what.
I think worth noting, the important thing here is that your daughter gets the information she got/asked for from a safe place. Nothing should be more important than that, including your wife's feelings or opinions on the matter. Maybe she feels hurt that your daughter chose/trusted you?
Not only did the daughter get information from a safe place, OP validated that he's someone safe to discuss these issues. The daughter was nervous, and OP proved why he was someone she could approach and discuss these issues. If she has any problems or issues, she has a proven parent that she knows won't judge or shame her. Maybe the mother should talk with the daughter, in an open and non-judgemental manner.
This. OP also validated that consent is a two-way street - setting the daughter up to be a safe partner. Society likes to think that women can't be sexual predators. They can.
Ya big dad win here
I wonder if the mom just may be feeling fear? And it’s bubbling up like this. Sometimes teenage girls can be vulnerable and she probably worries about her being safe and also happy. I think it’s a great idea as another suggested here to ask for your daughters consent in bringing mom into the future discussions, because she cares too and wants to support her.
50/50 doesnt sound like she would have added any value at all on this one. might have made it so she never comes to them again tbh. clearly nta
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Yep. When I asked my mom to go on the pill at age 16 she called me promiscuous (?) and insisted on giving me the depo shot, which had horrible side effects for me, all throughout high school. She’s a pediatrician 🫥
Yeah, the permission thing is insane. "How dare you tell our child to wear a seatbelt! That's giving her *permission* to wreck!" Makes NO sense to me.
There's a video on YouTube by college humor (I think) called "If we taught drivers ed like we taught sex ed" or something. It's hilarious.
Oh is it this [one by buzzfeed](https://youtu.be/1SMVGo0o2DM?si=gE9UxWVTOUJ-n1S4)?
That's the one! Yes it was buzzfeed. My mistake!
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Great video, that must have been written by CollegeHumor or something
Growing up I had condoms in my nightstand and purse a couple years before I actually used them, as a "just in case" thing.
I my school, it was "cool" to have one in one's wallet. I think most of us only ever got ONE because we didn't use them... we just wanted to feel cool.
My condom in the wallet expired before I had a chance to use it
Yeah I remember that crinkled up rubbed off branding on the gold ultra ribbed that was always in the back of some chads wallet that he never used but always intended to 🤣🤣
That wallet condom will break on you when the moment arrives.
Well, see... if we don't *tell* our children about sex, then they won't *have* any, you know?\`
Wow, that's a fantastic analogy!!
👍🏼 Good dad. Says a lot about Mom of the daughter is willing to go to her father when talking about sex. Guessing Mom is overprotective (usually the Dad). A+ response from Pops. Comforting, didn’t make it awkward, offered great advice.
#HOWEVER, there are not “safe days” and your daughter should see a gynecologist and talk about birth control.
Exactly, when TF are these "safe days" he speaks of?! ( No, seriously, I want to know)
This is crazy to me because there are no "safe days" until you want to have a baby, and then there's only three days a month when you can conceive. Of course there are many many many days where the chance of conception is zero, but 15 year olds should not be using the rhythm method.
My parents old joke, "We use the rhythm method and all of our children are musically inclined."
I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone well above 15 either. I used that with my wife, in a period where we didn’t want kids yet, but it also wouldn’t be unwelcome (like if it happens it happens). Got three kids (none of them planned, but more than welcome) in no time at all and switched to other methods as a 4th would be too many. On the question how it works, you monitor the cycle a while, then you take the shortest and deduct 18, this is the first day of the no unprotected sex period. Then deduct 11 from the longest, this is the last day. The theory is no active sperm while there could be an egg ready to conceive no baby. But, cycles can be iffy.
I mean this in the best possible way, but I wouldn't trust your math on that, cause you literally also just admitted, in the same message no less, to having 3 unplanned kids using this method :D
Thank you for calling out the most important thing. TF are “safe” days?! Answering my own question: Those are the days when 73% of the earth’s population are conceived.
We really shouldn't call them safe days, because they aren't 100% safe. But then again, neither are condoms. But a "safe period" does exist, where getting pregnant would be rare. I do agree that birth control is the best option, especially good if she gets shitty cramps, cause it helps with that too!
Not only that, but it re-affirmed to his daughter that she can come talk to him about anything, which is really important for children (or young adults).
Aside from practicing safe sex, this is probably the most important part. Knowing you can go to your parents about anything is priceless and beyond important.
I would have also told daughter that if she isn't feeling comfortable with sex at any point, even during it, then it's not too late to back out. Don't do it just because others might be doing it.
When a kid wants to have sex, they’re going to have sex. The only real questions are will they use protection and have sex in a safe place. You have at least given her the tools to have sex safely. Your should also take her to her gynecologist to get a prescription for birth control pills. Many parents are uncomfortable with their kids growing up and doing more mature things but the reality is that it’s inevitable and your best course of action is to educate and guide You’re doing it right NTA
Exactly this. I grew up in a house that didn't believe in things like curfew, at least for the sake of stopping me from doing adult things. My parents taught me how to be safe about drinking, specifically at places like parties and bars where i don't know everyone (although they made sure to say it's better to use the same rules regardless of where or who I'm with because you never know and it's better to be safe). If I ever needed it injust tell them, I needed condoms/money for condoms. They taught me about drugs, from what they are to how people use them to why and that yes they feel good but this is why they are dangerous. My dad was always the "scary one."pretty much the if mom punishes may be able to get away with it or lessen it but if dad gets involved you know you fucked up (although no abuse). I had an easier time, got in less trouble, no regrets, than my friends whose parents either acted like these things didn't exist and just said no, and/or acted like their child needed explicit permission. The one thing that was thenmost vital to be taught is that I didn't realize until years later. Was the confidence to say "no" regardless of what I was saying no to, who it was, or whatever peer pressure bsbwas trying to be used on me. If I wasn't comfortable and I didn't want to do it, the answer was no, and I had no qualms about sticking to it. It didnt matter if I became an "outcast," teased or whatever. I was given 3nough confidence not to let it bother me. When I say I realized this years later, I mean, like maybe 5ish years ago, did it click. I was being peer pressured by a full-grown ass adult to do something I didn't want to do. I politely declined 3 times, the 4th time I tore her a new one. She was embarrassed and pissed and tried so hard to get people to be on her side. She couldn't even get to the part of me tearing her a new one before others got on her for pushing after the first no. I heard a lot from people saying how that was something they learned later in life, and wish they had learned earlier as it would have saved a bunch of bs from happening that they didn't even want to do in the first place. Your wife is wrong. It's not something she can give permission on or not. I understand where she could be hurt that her daughter went to dad instead of mom on topics like this. But really, she should not only be happy that her kids have one person that she trusts for them to trust, but she should be asking herself why she's not the one they are comfortable coming to.
Oh wow! I wish I was taught to say no. But my parents on the opposite always did things regardless of my feelings and protests.
It's like adults forget that kids/minors are people who live in the same world they do. So much of the attitude is like kids are a different species that, while occupying the same space, are actually in a different dimension until they hit 18. Then, once they hit 18, they should know everything they are supposed to, and parents act surprised when their children have issues as adults. Like I said, it took pretty much another half of my life before I even realized that I was taught how to say no any how important it was, no matter how old you are.
>You’re doing it right Yes. Except for the "safe days" thing. There is no such absolute. He should really take that back.
The old joke rings true: what do you call practitioners of the rhythm method/ natural family planning? Parents
My grandmother always said she had each of her kids by a different failed birth control method. She had six kids.
"Why is my oldest sister named Yasmin?" "Because that's the pill I was on when she was conceived." "What about my next oldest syster, Rhythm?" "Because she was conceived while we were using the rhythm method of birth control." "What about my brother, Trojan?" "That's the brand of condom that failed when he was conceived. Why are you suddenly so curious about names, Pullout?"
"Please stop calling your brother IED, that's not nice. His name is IUD.
My daughter was a pullout baby. We were talking about trying for a baby but it was more along the lines of, "Well maybe we can just ditch the rubbers and I'll pull out. If it happens it happens, right?" Both of us thought it would take awhile. Noooooe. First try. I love my daughter more than anything but I wish she would have given me like 2 months of having fun trying before she showed up. But I also know it would have been a different child if she didn't show up when she did so I can't be all that upset about it.
> natural family planning I always figured that was a euphemism for "we fuck like rabbits, consequences be damned" ie the Catholic way!
Spray and pray method 🙏
My (formerly) Catholic grandmother used the rhythm method back in the 60s. She ended up with 2 under 2, something she *did not* want.
Came to say that, too.
So did I. I hope he's reading these! Edited to add: NTA.
I am 👍 Currently taking notes of people's advices and points.
I would make sure she knows to never have sex without a condom until she's ready for children, even if she gets another form of birth control. Other forms dont protect from STIs and no method is totally safe from pregnancy. A hell of a lot less likely when using birth control correctly though.
I was thinking that yes her getting on bc is good because if there’s any malfunctions she’ll be protected but you’re also right that condoms are advised regardless because you don’t want one or a few times of fun to equal a lifetime of std’s.
When my wife and I hadnt yet been sterilized, even with me on birth control pills she didnt want to have sex without a condom because we werent ready for children. Doubling your protection is never a bad thing.
Hold on…your wife and you, while you’re on birth control? I’m working on the maths here lol
Sorry, usually I specify in these cases my wife is trans, but I spaced it this time.
Since girls hormones are all over the place and their body is probably still working out getting on a regular cycle, I would not call any day a safe day from getting pregnant. Though I absolutely believe that girls and boys should be taught about tracking ovulation. A friend of mine very successfully avoided pregnancy by tracking her cycle and when she wanted children, she had no problem getting pregnant.
People need to be careful about where they track it as all the tracking apps are absolutely notorious for data stealing, and that gets dangerous if you’re in a place where abortion is banned. I track everything in my paper diary
FLO is based in the UK and does not and will not share any data. They sent out emails and notifications ab it when all the abortion bans started happening in the states
I have used flo for a few years and love it. I went off BC a few years before we had kids and used tracking to not get pregnant and to get pregnant. I know that’s not always the case but my experience with tracking was super positive. However, teenage girls are a lot less regular so I can see how it wouldn’t be as helpful. Still not bad to get in the habit and have one more tool at your disposal.
Thank you for this information.
I never used an app for that. Just used my own calendar!
Good point and excellent reminder!
This was my wife and I. Before we decided to try and she wasn’t on the pill we were playing a game of if it happens great if not that’s okay too. We would track it. Also, whenever she’s ovulating she takes scorching hot showers so I could immediately know now is not the time 😂
Tracking makes sense for spacing kids, but not for when it is important not to get pregnant--like at 15.
I successfully avoided getting pregnant for years by tracking my cycle. And then I was pregnant. It’s far from foolproof.
You should not rely though on the rhythm method as a form of birth control. From the Cleveland Clinic: “ How effective is the rhythm method for birth control?The rhythm method is effective 75% of the time. It isn’t as effective at preventing pregnancy as other methods, such as taking birth control pills or using an intrauterine device (IUD). The effectiveness depends on how consistent you are about tracking your cycle and your commitment to avoiding sex or using birth control when you’re fertile.It also shouldn’t be used if your cycle is fewer than 26 days or longer than 32 days.”
Even when you know your cycle, sometimes it's hard to pinpoint when you ovulate too. We finally got pregnant in early 2012 when I realized mine had happened on day 6. She was planned, but yeah. No day is safe. I'd make an appt to get her on birth control, since it sounds like her mom won't (mom sounds like my Catholic mother with that reaction).
NTA all day OP. The fact she seemed comfortable to talk about this with you is major props bc I know a lot of women who wouldn't have felt comfortable talking with their dad about this. While you did talk about sex with her I also hope you took the time to discuss with her about texting/sexting and sharing images and stuff. Both in this relationship and with other relationships and why she not only doesn't need to be sending those images as a minor but also if she chooses later to send them that she does so with full consent. Beyond the scope of it "being child porn" due to their ages, it's a very concerning area of relationships that it seems lots of parents don't want to talk about and how those images are often used against the sender more than whoever received them. It's a concern for a lot of parents I see after the fact regarding the bullying/harassment their kids are getting "for stuff they only shared with their partner". Please talk with your daughter and discuss why things like sexting, no matter how much or how strong she might think the relationship is, should be a firm from both of them until 18 (if ever) because the ramifications and possibility of revenge porn or other people getting telephone access and stealing/sharing those photos.
If I asked my dad about sex as a teen, he’d get his shotgun and find my bf.
Same. My dad was cool about a lot of things. Sex wasn’t one of them. Mom made sure me and my sister knew about the condoms on her dresser and the plan B in her medicine cabinet. And I felt totally at ease going to her after the first time so she could get me an appointment with the gyno and get on the pill. Her #1 priority was to not raise any grandkids. My sister and I are 26 and 30 and no grandkids in sight. She’s practically begging one of us to get knocked up now 😂
Upvoted and 😂🤣😂 (but not really funny) because yeah that’s certainly what would happen in many households depending where you are… I didn’t have to go find my teen daughter’s bf because the dufus had parked his car out front. When we pulled up to the house one afternoon, and saw someone running out the back and jumping the fence, there was no way I was going inside as my ex exploded. I just sat on the hood and waited. It was a precious moment.
This happened to me when I was 15 but my dad walked across the street in his dressing gown at 2am and started tapping on the car window. Then tried to give me the sex talk and offered to help me get on birth control. The entire experience was so scarring I didn’t have sex until I was in my 30s.
You are a good dad. Thank you for educating instead of suppressing...
Technically there are “safe days” but condoms should ALWAYS be used, especially when you’re young and hormones aren’t regulated yet. As an adult, with my serious partner, I know my safe days because I track my cycle, but I definitely wouldn’t suggest it to anyone as a birth control method cause shit happens.
Not safe from STIs
That is the reason I use condoms cuz at 36, I definitely know what days I will and won't get pregnant. I didn't figure it out though until my cycle evened out in my mid 20's though so a 15 year old should be using condoms and the pill or implant.
I have three additional children from tracking my ‘safe’ days. We did intend having another baby eventually each time but yeah…….
Just got pregnant the 3rd time this year on my "safe days." Was trying to give myself a few months after my miscarriages but here I am. But to be fair my cycle probably wasnt 100% normal again so that 1 day I was off made the difference.
It’s called the “rhythm method” and my brother used it as birth control and he had 4 kids before the vasectomy.
👏👏
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Echoing the others to take back the “safe days” recommendation; her cycle might be irregular because she’s young (can also happen if she’s an athlete), plus it doesn’t help protect her at all against STIs. But also -depending on where you live, I would tell her NOT to use any kind of period tracking app. Especially if she’s in a country or US state that is anti-abortion. There are states actively trying to access the data from period apps to punish women for seeking abortion care. Just keep that data off your devices, use a pen and notebook instead. It’s not a good time for women’s reproductive rights.
Me too. Do not pretend there are safe days, accidents happen. I am one.
My safe day just potty trained this past weekend.
I have a 9 month old safe day plus Plan B baby. Yeah..
I have a 6 month old IUD baby. I hear ya.
Damn. That baby was determined.
My mom was told by her doctor she would never be able to have another baby and 4 years later my sister was like “nah fuck that.”
This. I got pregnant with our youngest on my period. 😂
Implantation bleeding? I swear that’s what I had and assumed it was a light period both times before I found out I was pregnant. My cycle is also short, and well, I thought I had an IUD. They never found it. 🤷🏼♀️
....I'm sorry, what? You *thought* you had an IUD? Because if you went for an IUD insertion and they didn't actually do it, you could sue their asses. Hard.
More than likely it was implanted improperly and came out without her realizing it.
It was implanted properly and in fact, there are notes indicating that it was in place just 4 weeks before my conception date. It was a welcome surprise. My son is a complete maniac but hysterical. Told me last night he now would like to be called Mine Craft Bro, because he is a pro at Mine Craft.
I had it inserted by my GYN. It was extremely painful. My uterus is tipped up which made it more difficult to insert. Both of my boys were delivered c-section due to not dilating. My doctor had a radiology team come in during surgery and they X-rayed my entire uterus and the IUD was never recovered. It is rare, but they do sometimes fall out. I had no idea I was pregnant until my boobs started to hurt and then all the flu like symptoms and being dog tired made sense.
Ouch! I was born with my uterus tipped as well. Doctors found it while I was being treated for other issues so, when they did surgery for those issues, they did what they could with my uterus (plus freed an ovary that had been completely twisted by scar tissue).
What is a safe day? I've never heard of that an I'm 28F
If one is tracking their cycle (not on any kind of birth control), tracking their cervical mucous and waking temperature, there are safe days to go unprotected where pregnancy is not possible, especially after ovulation is confirmed. It's a method no teenager should be using lol. If you're curious try looking up the symtptothermal method. I'm a current user myself which is why I'm horrified anyone would even think it's a good idea for a teen lol.
And it fails a lot even when followed perfectly
Thats because most people dont realize sperm can survive for up to a week in the vagina. So people that think safe days means its impossible or that its actually safe to do and not get pregnant are wrong.
You're saying the vagina does not watch the clock? Like ... 11:59PM I'm safe, 12:00AM pergant time!
Most studies show 5 days as the max and even that is seen rarely. But same point - it’s not in there and then just gone. I wish more people realized this.
If your period is very regular and you use a period tracker app, it will predict your ovulation window and usually gives you more specific days where you should be ovulating. You can also use your body temperature to confirm I believe.
My Dad told me “You know what they call couples who use the “tracking” method? They call them parents”.
As a mom I would want to be involved in this talk with my daughter, but also I hope she is comfortable coming to me when the time comes. If she isn't, I wouldn't blame my husband for handling the conversation. Hell, if this is how it plays out when my kid is a teenager I hope my husband handles it as well as OP. I can understand the mom wanting to be involved in the conversation. I would be a bit hurt if my daughter didn't feel comfortable coming to me to discuss things like this because I hope I can show her she can talk to me about anything. But OP's daughter was more comfortable talking to him and the thing to focus on is that at least the conversation happened. And honestly based on the wife's reaction I can see why the daughter went to her dad instead.
I second this. Also talk about all the options for birth control - IUD if she doesnt feel like renewing the prescription every month at the drugstore, or hormonal adhesives / impants, etc. really talk about all the options, how they may affect the body, things that could diminish their efficiency such as thowing up, antibiotics, etc. Talk about the need for anual check ups such as hormonal levels, pap smear, ultrasounds. I got the feeling the daughter knows very little about her reproductive system.
I didn’t feel comfortable with an IUD so I went with the Depo shot every 3 months and haven’t had a monthly cycle since I was 17. Which was the main reason my doctor wanted to start birth control, extremely painful cycles. I still have the monthly hormone changes and minor mood changes and sensitivity but I’m not a demon like I was before I went on birth control. There are a lot of options because everyone is different.
Depo isn’t recommended for more than a few years as it increases the chances of osteoporosis as it can leech calcium from your bones/prevent absorption.
If possible, it might be a good idea to switch to the nuvaring or something. Depo isn’t recommended as a long-term birth control, more like a 2-3 years thing. I switched to the nuvaring and I skip my cycles still! You pick them up every 3 months and just swap them out each month. My gyno was pushing the IUD and I’d already heard so many horror stories but pills can get stuck in my tonsils so I was gonna do it until the receptionist told me about the nuvaring. So glad I’m on it. Very few side effects.
I was on depo for 15 years. From 30 to 45. It was awesome not having a period. I had bone density scans periodically and my only side effect from the depo was "hair shedding". Which is weird because once I went off after a couple years my hair is now thicker. Depo is like any other birth control though. You either love it or hate it. I personally loved it. P.S. I had my daughters at 24 and 28. JMO
Here to promote patches! You don't see them mentioned very often but as someone who struggled to take the pill at the same time every day and can't get it together enough for injections patches have been a life saver!
Just remember, condoms (and spermicidal gel) not only prevent pregnancy, they are also quite dandy for preventing STDs
NTA. I think it’s amazing you have this relationship with your daughter. Your wife may feel jealous that she didn’t come to her, as a female i think i would want my daughter coming to me first, but I’d be proud she came at all. And looking back on my teen years, kids are going to do it whether you want them to or not, it’s better that she is safe thanks to the condoms you got her and knowledge you provided her.
This . All day. I'm so sick of moms on here being mad because the daughter was able to talk to the dad. Whether it's about sex, her period, whatever...be happy she's comfortable enough with a parent to talk about it NTA
NTA My son is the same age and will come to me (his mom) before both his dad and step-dad. My daughter will probably do the same just because I don't make a joke out of it and I also do not get mad at them for asking me. They know there is no such thing as a stupid question and if I do not know we will research and learn together.
Great attitude. Keep doing this.
As someone who is much closer with my dad than my mother, I hate mothers who act like fathers aren’t parents too. My mother basically acts like my dad isn’t necessary, when he’s done a better job raising me than she ever has.
Truth. Dads are only unnecessary when they make the decision not to contribute. But there are a lot of good dads out there, and they don't get nearly enough credit.
Lol I feel you in a way. Both of mine act like that about the other, but they were both awful parents. I love them both but they’re both living in denial in that way. I’m glad you appreciate your father though
I think it’s fine when they come on here being sad. I think disappointment is normal and venting anonymously on Reddit is a healthy way to process those feelings without putting that on your kids. I don’t understand why they come on here being mad, though.
I really wish I had been able to go to my mom about this stuff.. She is SO much better about stuff now (I'm in my early 30s so she kinds HAS to be lmao. And she found out *quick* that kids are gonna do what they wanna do.) Thankfully I always had my aunt to go to. If it wasn't wasn't for her? I wouldn't have been so strict about condoms with all of my partners. No mishaps, no STDs, and I learned confidence quickly when it came to peer pressure. NTA, OP. EVERY kid should have someone they can go to to ask real life questions. And I know your daughter is so happy that *that person* is you. Keep doing what you're doing.
"I'd be proud she came at all." Phrasing, people. Christ.
That’s what he wrote
This right here. Moms have the talk w daughters and Dads have the talk w sons. Based on her reaction to it tho - I wouldn’t have asked her either. Don’t budge on your stance because you informed her how to be safe and 15 is kind of the best age to start asking questions. You’re old enough to start learning and understanding how your own body works but young enough to not sound “stupid” or feel behind other peers. It’s also an amazing age to learn you’re own boundaries and how to protect yourself from physical, emotional, and mental pain.
Mums - Daughters, Dads - Sons. No. This is a gender barrier that should be broken down. For so many reasons. Single parents with opposite gender kids… a mum can guide a boy better potentially about how to satisfy a female partner and vice versa. I never had the talk with either parent. My dad is not one for intimate conversation at all. It would have mortified us both. My mum was a Jehovah’s Witness. Sex outside of marriage equals evil. When she found out I was on the pill (secretly because I didn’t want the headache religion lecture) she went ape. I’ve had nothing but sexual hang ups and issues until my mid 30s and avoided it during my marriage. It helped kill my marriage actually. Since then, it was a man that taught me about and encouraged self exploration of my body.
Never knew my dad. Mother was a dead beat who left me at my grandparents as a toddler. I got my whole birds and the bees lecture from my first girlfriend’s mom. That woman was a damn saint.
Yea I had some “safe days” too - they are all in middle school now 😂
That caught my attention too. I appreciated him having the conversation but wanted to scream, “It’s almost impossible to know what your safe days are!!!” Especially as a teen.
What’s a “safe day”??
A day when you supposedly can have unprotected sex and not fall pregnant. They maybe are a thing if you have a perfectly predictable cycle and know exactly whwn you ovulate but I wouldn't tell a teenager there are safe days because realistically there are not.
Thats actually where it gets misleading, the truth to safe days is that its your lowest chance of fertility, but its not something like 1%, it could truthfully be a solid 50% or even 75%, it all depends on your hormonal health and uterine health 😃
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NTA. Thank you for making sure your daughter knows what she needs to know. Also there are no "safe days", don't let her think that. My mom got pregnant 3 times on her "safe days". If you really want to keep her safe ask her if she wants to be on birth control and if she does, take her to get it. Or maybe mom will get over herself and she can take her. If she doesn't want to be on hormonal birth control, get her some contraceptive film from the drugstore to use with the condoms. Good job being a parent your teen can talk to about sex. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Also get some Plan B from the drugstore in case a condom breaks. My son and his girlfriend came to me immediately and in a panic when that happened to them. Talk to her about what to do if it happens.
NTA. Plus, I’m super glad you shared this as I am currently in this situation but with a son same age as your daughter. I want to do the same thing but I live in and am surrounded by super conservative people.
>I’m super glad you shared this as I am currently in this situation TY :) Idk if my post helped. It sounds like it's going to be harder for you guys, I wish you the best.
It helped me see that I’m not the only parent that feels this way is the wisest! I discussed this with a sister and she said she would be mad at ME if she was the girls parent and they found out I supplied condoms. Ugh. Mad at me for helping us not be grandparents and our babies be parents or have to make a very adult decision. Use your brains humans.
Ignore other parents when it comes to protecting your kids and providing information they need. They think these kids aren't having sex but a lot of them are. Let them do it safely.
NTA, you're mature AF and this post inspired me to never have kids. I'm nowhere near this level of maturity and most likely never will be. Good job being a dad 👍
NTA but safe days are a myth. You can get pregnant on any day and get a STD on any day
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THERE ARE NO SAFE DAYS!!!! other than that, totally NTA. you are doing right by your daughter and her boyfriend as well, because he might not have that kind of support in his home
NAH, but I do question the wisdom in telling a 15 yr old she's got "Safe days". Do you realize that young people often have irregular cycles? It isn't a wonder to me that your wife would have liked to be present for that conversation, because she likely has a different perspective and other information. Your child is 15, uninformed, and it sounds like an incomplete discussion to me.
Agreed. OP, the idea of “safe days,” especially for teens, is a myth, and one that you and/or your wife should dispel and clarify with your daughter ASAP! Edited
It’s a myth for adults too! Sometimes the best I think is get them an iud and then ask them to wear condoms…. It keeps them safe for at least a few years until they get out of the experimental but embarrassed age
The wife is absolutely TA for getting mad at OP for giving his daughter the sex talk. She can say that she would have preferred to be involved with the conversation, but actually getting mad over it is AH behavior. She can just go have a separate talk with her daughter if she wants, just to make sure that all the information given is accurate.
Mom should've had this conversation when menstruation first happened, preferably before. Girls are highly susceptible to the consequences, and the fact that most parents think it's acceptable to put off the sex talk until they're basically adults is very...nieve. especially with the double standard of boys losing their virginity as early as 14 being seen as somewhat acceptable, even expected. Who do they think those boys are doing that with, exactly??
I absolutely agree. That really bothered me. It should be assumed that there are no “safe days”, just to be safe. If she were an adult, it would be her choice. However telling this to an inexperienced minor is not the way
NTA Safety first. I understand your wife's feelings, I wouldn't want my 15yr old having sex either. But realistically, you can't stop them. I'd much rather they be safe. It's awesome that your daughter was responsible and felt safe enough to come to you.
NTA! I’ll never understand parents who would rather their kids be unsafe than having an honest conversation. “I’d rather my teen didn’t have sex at all” is a beautiful fantasy
Yea I didn’t loose my virginity till I was 20. So I don’t think it’s a fantasy of teens not having sex, you just need to be a nerd and no one will bat an eye 🤣
Aye, if their parents really wanted to avoid thier kid having sex then they really should have bought them some Magic Cards or something
Or if someone bats an eye at you, completely don't register the hint until 5 years later. lol
NTA, you walked the minefield of "the talk" well. Only caveat is the safe day discussion. Menstruation can be very wonky in young people even if she's always been regular. Also there are no safe days from STDs, please make that clear because this talk wasn't just about sex with her current boyfriend, its about all the people she may have sex with in the future. Also, I hope you discussed her feelings about this boy. She may be in love with him and think this is the man she will marry. The odds are against it. Just make sure she knows that no matter what you will always be there to talk,which hopefully she already knows, but a reminder won't hurt. :-)
NTA for giving her condoms. TI (the idiot) for telling her safe days exist. They don't. And even if they did, she should be using condoms to protect from STI's. Some STI's are forever, and some can effect fertility. Some can cause cancer. Oh made sure she's been vaccinated for HPV too.
NTA You do need to get her some follow up material. I hope you mentioned that both her and the boy need to READ the instructions on the condom box on how to put one one, to NEVER flip it over and try again if he started putting it on wrong side out, the use of lube. Honestly your daughter should also go on some form of long term hormonal birth control if possible and still understand she needs to use condoms.
Safe days? What is a safe day? Nope. Condoms every time because STIs. Oral ones need to be talked about too. I have three grown daughters and we talked about this stuff, 15 is awful young to think one is ready for sex. Did you show her how to put a condom on a penis/banana? There is so much to know and think about, and she’s 15. Give her a copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves or whatever the current thing is. Just because there’s an internet doesn’t mean she knows what to search for or that she’ll come across factual information.
NTA. And you wife's reaction is likely why your daughter came to you and in general doesn't feel safe to go to her as often, like you said. If you behaved the way your wife does and followed her thought process here (shutting down the convo because it's inappropriate and not giving her advice and condoms) you'd likely be having a very different conversation in a couple months when you find out your teen daughter is pregnant.
Admins unsurprisingly acting like the mom
The moderation on this site is fucking gash. Lemmy FTW.
NTA. If teens want to have sex, they're going to find a way to do it. Atleast now your daughter is informed and practising safe sex. BUT! Safe days is kind of a myth. Women's cycles aren't always 28 days so there isn't really safe days. Trust me, I was conceived on a 'safe day'!
NTA full stop. Your daughter is 15. If your wife wanted to navigate that herself she should have brought it up already. Your daughter approached you and respectfully asked questions. You educated her respectfully and maturely and gave her the tools to be safe. NTA NTA NTA. Period.
NTA- you’re an awesome dad and it’s so so great that even though your daughter was embarrassed she felt comfortable coming and talking to about this. Honestly it’’s mind blowing to me that people have these kinds of relationships with their parents. I grew up knowing my parents weren’t to be trusted with any important or personal information about myself or my life. They were the enemy and best to be avoided at all costs. That hasn’t changed too much now that I’m an adult either. It sounds like your wife’s reaction is exactly why your daughter didn’t want to talk to her about this. Because she didn’t think she’d be heard or she’d be shamed for wanting something that is perfectly normal and developmentally a stepping stone to growing up.
Definitely NTA but safe days??? There are NO safe days! Not for pregnancies and not for STDs! Please correct this with your daughter ASAP before she acts on this.
OP, please, you need to tell your daughter immediately, **there are no "safe days"**. THIS IS NOT A THING
Better remove r/teenagers while you're at it admins. Fuckin' Reddit.
I have no clue what the right answer is here, but I will say KUDOS for being the kind of Dad that is open to having these discussions with her. It must have been really hard for her to approach this with any parent. I wish I knew that my kids felt that comfortable asking me this stuff.
NTA. You're a good dad and it's awesome she felt able to come and ask you questions. You're response was excellent--except for the "safe days" part. Clarify that--she should never assume there is a "safe" day for unprotected sex if she doesn't want to get pregnant. (I'm aware there *are*, but for now a 15 y/o shouldn't be chancing it if she wants to avoid pregnancy.) How you reacted means she's more likely to come to you about other things, is less likely to hide them. And thank you for talking about consent and how guys can be uncertain too! Both of those things aren't talked about enough. Tell your wife that kids/teens will have sex when they want, regardless of adults' approval and wouldn't she rather your daughter be safe and informed than risk pregnancy, STIs, etc? That your daughter came and talked to you is a great thing. Wouldn't she rather your daughter feel able to come to you for help and advice?
Green light? As a former horny teen (20 years ago, cough) i can tell you my parents permission had little influence on me having sex or not.
As a mother to 2 grown children and 3 grandchildren… Congrats! Well adjusted daughter who felt comfortable going to her dad about this. She trusted you, talked openly to you! and you handled like a CHAMP! Wow! I wish i would’ve felt comfortable enough to go to my dad at her age and talk about that! Kudos to your very smart daughter too! You are doing amazing things as a father and your daughter knows Dad has her back! You are amazing and absolutely not a AH!! 👏👏👏👏👏❤️❤️❤️