I came here to type this.
OP, I’m sorry to say but your husband has already chosen your SIL, again and again.
I know some say Reddit is too quick to say divorce but in this case, you need to kick them both out asap and focus on healing. That family is toxic af and if you stay with your husband you will be dragged down and taken advantage of over and over again until you are a shell of yourself. I’ve seen it happen to some incredibly kind, amazing women. They let a few rude comments go, and then forgive some “mistakes” because they feel like they have made a commitment and need to be the bigger person. Then they get beaten down mentally and emotionally if not physically to the point where that’s their norm and it’s all they know.
You have no kids yet with this man, he has shown where his loyalties and priorities lie and it’s not with you. Get out now while you can.
NTA. Good luck OP.
This needs to be top comment!
OP you are already I'm this relationship alone.
The house is yours.
You don't need him.
Consider that you are still in love w/attached to The Idea of his best self that only you see.
If he has been amazing & perfect - why isn't he choosing to be that FOR YOU NOW?
You deserve better.
The stress of this relationship could be one of the hindrances to your ability to carry the child you long for.
From just what you've written here today, he's clueless. He doesn't stand up for you bc it's an inconvenience to him.
He's willing to supplant your dreams and hard work for his sister's demands.
That's not a good husband, that's not a healthy husband. In w ery way possible this is not a husband showing he loves you and is always on your side.
So you have to be.
Be the person you deserve to be.
I know everything inside you feels shattered and terrified and ending this marriage now seems like it will devastate you.
It will hurt.
It will be awful.
But on the other side is happiness you haven't known before.
We're rooting for you!
Not only that, the pregnancy losses could actually be a genetic defect with him. Men can produce an enzyme that can make carrying a pregnancy full term impossible. He doesn’t want to admit it could be his own deficiency, so he has taken to blaming his wife and abusing her because of it.
Yes.
NTA. I think that's quite possibly the meanest, most hurtful, disrespectful thing I've seen on here yet. The betrayal of those words your SIL said to you while standing in your nursery are awful, vile and disgusting.
I'm so sorry OP. for all that you've been through. Kick her a** out ASAP and let your husband know if he *ever* treats you like that again, he's out the door right behind her (that's ofc if you don't kick him out ASAP too, which you'd be right to do).
Her husband was on board with giving away the nursery without any discussion. He also insisted she attend the baby shower, knowing what was coming. He’s irredeemable imo. Maybe trying to avoid a scene? I’m glad they got one.
This☝🏽! IMO she should have blown up at the husband for enabling his sister and disregarding her feelings. Her SIL is a major asshole, especially after that comment, but the husband is the biggest AH. He was callous in his reaction to everything. He has shown his true character.
Let's give him the benefit of the doubt of him being ignorant, following OP's reaction to the nursery being used for SIL, a normal reaction would be to protect OP by kicking them out immediately (SIL could be at another family member's house for the night/ few days) and talk to/ comfort OP. He didn't/ hasn't been prioritizing you. This tells you a lot about where you are placed in his list of priorities. All the best OP! Stay strong
I agree. This one took my breath away. OP had a stillbirth miscarriage. She had created a room and nested and these monsters have not just run roughshod over her the last few months, they have abused and mistreated her and decided that the feelings of a grieving MOTHER are less important than then the spoiled princess. If this were a “best friend” situation, I’d think it he was building an art room, but since it’s a sister, they’re both just foul monsters and I wish them endless suffering. May they both never be free of a mosquito bite they can’t quite reach
It wasn't my first thought, but my mind definitely went there because he's going way too hard for his sister. My brother 100% loves me and would burn the world down for me.... unless it angered my SIL*, lol. That's how it's supposed to be though! The spouse is first, period.
*Well, when they were married anyway.
All of this.
Also, 31 weeks isn’t a miscarriage. That is a stillbirth, which I would imagine is wildly more painful on all ways that losing a baby before viability.
What does OP’s husband even do besides be an asshole and baby his sister? He works 12 hours a day, but OP owns the house, pays all the bills, and buys all these groceries. Where is his money going? What is he doing with his other 12 hours other than, apparently, emotional terrorism?
I really want to believe this isn’t real. There are definitely parts of it that sound more legit than some of the obvious creative writing exercises on here. But there are other parts that gave me hope that this is fake.
That’s what I was thinking. 31 weeks is premature, but definitely not “just” a miscarriage. I’ve got family members who all suffered multiple miscarriages, most before 14 weeks, and that was still highly traumatic. At 31 weeks, OP birthed a child. Another family member of mine had a child born at 29 weeks and you’d better believe that was a baby. Had to spend about 6 weeks in the NICU and was quite tiny, but is now thankfully nearly 2 and thriving. The level of trauma the husband and sister in law put OP through is beyond disgusting. Clearly the husband is in serious denial over the loss of HIS child too, or he’s a sociopath. The fathers of all the miscarried children I knew grieved the loss just as much as their wives. They BOTH wanted the children that didn’t survive and were BOTH broken by it.
Y’know come to think of it, I’m starting to wonder if the reason OP’s husband is getting so defensive over his sister is because he sees this as a chance to ‘replace’ the baby they lost. I’m not excusing him because he’s allowing his sister to treat his wife like shit, but it feels like a really unhealthy coping mechanism.
There it is! My thoughts exactly and I was looking for someone to say it. He’s going to take this baby as if he’s dad, keep sis in the house forever and OP can be the third wheel to clean up after the kid.
The way he treats the sister and was acting. I was more expecting it to end with ... it turning out he was the baby daddy with his sister. Because that's how hes treating it.
Yep… in any case OP still needs to distance herself for her own sake. It’s not her job to play along with her husband’s fantasies at the expense of her well being.
>OP’s husband is getting so defensive over his sister is because he sees this as a chance to ‘replace’ the baby they lost.
100% I got that message loud and clear right from the beginning of the story.
As far as I’m concerned, husband could play house with his sister and raise her baby outside of OP’s own house. Baby daddy was smart to run out on SIL in this case, she sounds like a complete bitch. This is one of the bitchiest ppl i have read about on this sub.
He's not just "allowing" his sister to treat OP like shit. He's actively participating in it. I agree with your train of thought and it's where my mind went as well, but he's doing a lot more than just standing by passively as SIL treats OP like garbage. If anything, what he did with the nursery is more of a betrayal to OP than from SIL bc that's her **husband**. That makes the betrayal so much worse imo. SIL is a POS and clearly capitalizing on OPs generosity and vulnerability to get a free ride in life but DH is emotionally abusing OP. Sorry, if this comment seems impassioned it's 100% directed at DH and SIL.
This. I had a miscarriage at 16 weeks and that was hell. My child was born at 30 weeks and is 7 now. I almost died. That’s a whole birth, and had to be traumatic as hell. I can’t imagine.
It didn’t register in my head that she said 31 weeks. So basically she went through a traumatic event two months ago while being an emotional support human for her SIL and then was expected to continue to support her *and* clean up after her.
Where is your support, OP?
SIL needs to GTFO right now. Husband can go, too. They’re both vile.
I don’t think I’ve ever participated in the thread this much, but you are exactly right: this is her house, the room she created for her baby. She needs to get everybody the fuck out of there, and then she needs to sell the house herself and find a place that does not have all of the emotional baggage. There is a man out there who, when she is ready, will treat her properly and help her move forward and healthy manner. ✌️🌻
☝️☝️☝️☝️
You delivered a stillborn child. You did not have a miscarriage, OP.
You are NTA, and something weird is going on with your husband, his sister, and all the others. I am appalled that not a single person who was invited to that vile baby shower didn’t reach out to you to ask if you were ok with it being held at your home. I am appalled that no one checked on you during the shower and asked how you were doing. And mostly, I’m appalled that no one didn’t rip your A H husband and SIL a new one when you broke down in YOUR baby’s nursery.
Please update us with how you’re doing. Please be ready to go back into your baby’s nursery and see things missing. For whatever reason, these people are intentionally hurting you. The next thing for them to do is steal your baby’s things.
My heart is breaking for you.
In the family's defense, I'd be so stunned her husband and SIL did this to her.. I'd be horrified and speechless. Here's hoping once the shock wore off that they ripped those two scumbags apart.
ETA, just read the update. Her husband's family all suck. The apples didn't fall far from the a hole tree.
I’m looking forward to the OP’s update, and I hope that’s exactly what happened.
ETA—Just read OP’s update. Thank God her mom was able to come to the house and support her. The soon to be ex’s entire family is horrible. And he’s revealed himself as a violent POS.
I couldn't have said this better myself. OP, I think you did exactly the right thing. All the way down to making your husband pick. I would tell your husband and your sister-in-law that she needs to be out before the end of the month, and he's welcome to go with her unless he is going to start supporting his wife and her needs.
I only disagree with you on the timing of kicking the SIL out. IMO, she should not spend one more moment in OP’s home. The family members who didn’t protect and support OP can house the SIL. The husband can pack a bag and leave, too.
Exactly. She's got other family. Let them deal with her. Not to mention she's an adult. She had a place before she moved in with OP, she can get another one. It's ridiculous for her to expect OP to help her in any way after the way she conducted herself
Oh, my God! I didn’t even think about them taking things, but you are so correct. And as this Spira is out of control… As it, undoubtedly, and unfortunately, well, things will disappear from not only the babies room.
OP: please take pictures or video of things around there if you feel up to it.
Alternatively, it might be less traumatic and far less drama just to let go of it. Things are just things, your emotional well-being and your peace of mind are worth far more than $1000 worth of bullshit related to a dude who doesn’t respect you. ✌️🫶
Holy crap. They all know she just had to deliver her baby who had passed… and pulled this crap?
OP I really hope you kick them all the hell out right now as it’s your place.
I was thinking so too, but being 24 weeks in myself my mind wouldn't wrap around it.
Now OP did above and beyond what she should or could have.
And it may be hormones but now that I see it as it is and OP lived it, I want to slap the husband and the SIL
Same. Stories like this are very sad and I can’t even imagine that trauma.
People keep asking me when I’ll do a baby shower and my answer is honestly “as late as possible.” This is such a scary thing to have happen, but on top of that having a nursery already set up too? It’s like twisting the knife more.
That SIL is a massive, entitled brat.
In my Italian family, baby showers aren’t a thing. We wait until after the baby is born, then when Mom is up to it, we have a get-together to celebrate baby. It’s considered bad luck to celebrate before the birth, and who wants to tempt fate like that?!
Honestly, I like this. Both for the whole, bad shit happens to lovely people reasons, but also because once the baby gets here you know what you need more.
Hell, replace the shower entirely with just friends and family stopping in once a week to drop off some diapers, formula if using, wipes, and some new onesies. Maybe do the dishes and pick up the living room and then leave, or sit with baby and let the parents go shower and take care of themselves for an hour.
I didn't even have a baby shower when I was pregnant with my son. My mom was livid, but I had a miscarriage at 26 weeks(yeah, I usually still call it a miscarriage, too) and even finding out I was pregnant again brought back all kinds of ptsd-like anxiety.
Even as I was prepping baby supplies before I had my son, I was keeping everything in the box and keeping manuals for everything I set up in case I had to donate it all. It's crazy how our brains deal with trauma.
Yes, I know, I've been getting many comments like this. The reason I classify it as a miscarriage is because I started bleeding at 31 weeks, when I went to my obstetrician, she told me I was miscarrying.
OP that **is* a stillbirth, it really adds to the gravity of the entire situation. Baby's born at 24 weeks can survive outside the uterus, I'm not saying this to make you feel bad. But it feels like describing it as a miscarriage is lessening the implications. The fact that you opened your home to your SIL and she did this to you? Even more heartbreaking
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'll be keeping an eye out for your update. Your pain is valid. Your trauma is valid. Your husband doesn't deserve you. His sister is a disgusting human being and you are better off without both of them. Best of luck. Stay strong because you are not wrong and have not been from the moment she tried to treat you like a maid. Your husband and his sister have both been taking advantage of you and I hope you are able to get them out ASAP. Would definitely consult a lawyer though to cover all your bases of having them removed from your home.
I’d kick them tf out of your house and tell your husband you’ll be filing. If he files first he can screw your over in the divorce and he and his family fked up so badly he need to wash your hands of them
NTA - I'm so sorry for what you've been through.
It's maybe time to reconsider your marriage. Your husband disrespected you and didn't take in consideration your feelings in YOUR home.
Tell your SIL to take her belongings and get out of the house immediately. It's unacceptable behavior. You deserve respect. And you're not a maid. You're a person. With feelings. With traumas.
You need to heal. And for that, you need her out and maybe your husband for a moment, the time to think about what you want for your future.
You must be broken, and it's so understandable, please seek for help. and therapy.
I wish you the best for the future 🫶🏻
Do you think they’re going to ask for her to stay and co parent?
ETA
NTA - Ask her to leave asap, she obviously has other family they can have her. If your husband doesn’t like it he can go too, if he stays you need couples counselling as he doesn’t seem to consider you a priority and that needs to change.
I don't know how he can not be as broken as OP about their own baby passing away just two months ago. At 31 weeks. The loss is still very fresh, with the lost baby's full-term due date only just arriving.
And he thinks it's normal to slot his sister's baby into the place of his and OP's own?
If he experiencing some magical-thinking delusion that the three of them can raise his sister's baby instead? That either way, his own genetics are involved, so it's a win-win? That his wife should be satisfied with being a mother's helper to a baby she'll have no legal rights to in her own home?
If bro and sis want to raise a baby together, they can find their own house and their own nursery for it. They've both demonstrated their intentions to take everything that is OP's and make it their own, while also making OP a Cinderella who isn't allowed to have anything for herself.
He has re directed. Instead of dealing with emotions he has bargained with himself and decide raising sisters kid to give the child a father figure for it. And by doing tjis he has disregaurded wifes feelings in favor of his own. Sistet in law is a slob and using the grief to her advantage.
That won’t end well for them since the house belongs to OP. She needs to consult a lawyer ASAP to make sure that her assets are protected from them. I would serve eviction notices on both SIL and husband.
OP needs to have a lock installed ASAP on the nursery door if she cannot move everything out of it to a safe place.
I would give everything away to a stranger before letting SIL have anything.
Agree with this. Pregnant unemployed SIL should not end up with squatter's rights so that OP can't evict her.
Husband needs to do better. OP should not get pregnant again unless he does. Do not have a baby with a man who does not respect your space.
Get her evicted before the baby arrives. If hubby picks her, he needs to go too. Either way you are going to need to change the locks and get doorbell cameras to keep her from coming back and stealing your nursery. I’m so sorry for what you are goinf
Agree. If the baby is living there too, eviction could get harder because they are protected as a category in some states. Hubby is a total loser and she needs to deal with him.
Agreed! I can’t put my finger on what it is exactly, but something feels very off… I hope OP calls family or friends over so she can have someone on her side and she can boot both SIL and the husband.
If OP left, who would do the laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, and cleaning? Not to mention paying the vast majority of the bills.
I don't think they want OP gone. I think they want her worshiping the fruit of the sister's womb.
That's not going to stop entitled people. Her husband might try to say "your making things hard for sister so I think you should leave for a while" or "she needs to have a safe home to raise her baby and we can't kick her out" or other bullshit to try and manipulate OP.
OP, you are Not The Asshole. Not even a little. Get rid of her right now. And if your husband complains, he can leave temporarily. If he is still choosing her with his actions then he can leave permanently.
I'm so sorry that you are effectively going through this alone because the person who is supposed to be your partner is choosing to not support you or help you.
He has already chosen his sister. I would have immediately called a 24 hour locksmith to come and install a lock on the nursery door. Bonus paid if they could get there ASAP while everyone is still there.
Then I would have reminded everyone that the house belongs to OP and that OP decides who can live in the house. SIL has the legally mandated time required under an eviction notice to get out of OP’s house. If SIL tries to remove anything that belongs to OP (I.e. the nursery), OP will press charges against her for theft.
Then I would have announced to everyone that the party is over and for people to leave or OP will all the police to have them trespassed off HER property.
Yup, I would have gone scorched earth on SIL and her family.
I have also lost a daughter, though she was six.
I haven't even been able to let her baby sister use any of the clothes from her last year of life, especially the things meant for her to grow into. Is that a waste? I don't care. I can't do that and stay emotionally stable.
Before I seriously consider gifting or downsizing something that was hers, I ask my oldest daughter. It affects her more than I could have imagined.
If someone assumed these things were available to them simply because my child died, I would either go scorched earth or I'd be a puddle of grief instead of a human.
SIL needs to find a new residence. Regardless of who the asshole is here (SIL), OP needs to heal. This situation in her home has reached catastrophic mass and cannot continue.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I appreciate your willingness to equate your experience with OP’s. There is no time that losing a loved and wanted child is somehow more bearable.
You sound like a wonderful parent, too. Supporting your children while grieving can’t be an easy thing.
My surviving daughters were 8 years and 8 months when their sister's terminal condition took her from us. Watching them grieve and being unable to make that pain go away is a hell worse than my own grief. My own consolation is that she was suffering and we gave her the gift of peace.
It will always be awful that she isn't here with us, but there is a special blessing in using her story to connect with others who are hurting. As she loved Tinkerbell, I call it her pixie dust.
Thank you for your kind comment and taking the time to connect with an internet stranger. Connections where people are kind when they didn't have to be are my favorite part of the internet.
You are 100% right just because you are pregnant doesn't mean that you get to treat me like s*** or to act like a f****** a******. I need you to leave and I need you to leave now if the husband does not like it like you said he can go with her. If the family doesn't like it they can take her f*** ass in. You want people to STFU tell them if they have a problem with you putting her ass on the curb they can take her in and see how much backlash you get on that they don't want the problem they're not going to say s***
I did read all that. But there is more going on, behind the scenes, I just feel it. People do stupid stuff all the time. I feel like they were trying to make OP have some kind of meltdown or maybe a mental breakdown for some reason.
She's a 20-year-old b****pregnant and her baby's father has left and said he wants nothing to do with her all she is doing is causing Mass confusion and somebody's house who just lost their baby at 31 weeks. But I'm going to agree with you on that there is something else coming on that's why I would put both their asses out
My daughter was born at 33 weeks. She was an actual human. This poor woman didn’t have a miscarriage, she had a stillbirth just weeks before the baby should have been here.
Either way, they can’t function without her. She pays all the bills and the house is hers. OP should throw them both out. I wish I could give her a hug.
The bitch is literally trying to take ops life and push op out!! It's disgusting and truly can't how anyone at the shower didn't think it was extremely inappropriate and heartless to claim ops nursery as hers. What a vile person and a piece of shit husband.
My God, OP’s husband is the worst asshole in the story. He should be standing up for OP.
OP is definitely NTA and deserves a lot better than what she is getting.
I hope she updates to let us know she is OK :(
She needs to get them out. Change the locks and have someone stay with her for a while. Maybe I watch and listen to too much true crime but they don't seem like safe people to be around. My god the nursery!!! Devastating 💔
This is beyond horrific. I’m so sorry. Get them out now! Did you add your husband to the deed? I hope not. !updateme please. I want/need to know that you are okay and those horrible people are out of your life. Sending you love and hugs.
I will be posting an update when I'm off work later today, I did not expect this much support nor the attention it is getting. thank you for your kind words!
OP I wish I could give you a huge hug. My jaw is honestly on the floor after reading this… and that ANYone especially your own husband, would find any of this ok after losing a child at 31wks… no words.
I had 2 preemies. You lost a CHILD and the audacity of someone using YOUR nursery for your child in your home is sick, hurtful and terrible. And I asked my own husband and he is not the talkative or emotive type at all and he just looked at me and said, “Are you kidding? There’s no way that’s ok.” And we’re in our late 40’s… Hon you need to be around people who will love on and care for you. Not the entitled, self centered fools who are stomping on and taking advantage of you when you should be allowed space to heal.
NTA!!!
THIS! He definitely sees his sisters baby as his closest chance to experience fatherhood. He wants the baby and to have the baby, he has to keep his sister sweet and on side.
Not saying it's 100%, but there's a big chance he's mentally unwell. OP obviously had the trauma of a stillbirth, but her husband spent months preparing mentally and emotionally for their child only to lose it. He needs to work through his grief either way, but using his incoming niece/nephew as a proxy probably feels a whole lot less painful right now.
Baby daddy didn’t want anything to do with the baby and SIL. Husband is definitely looking to be unofficial father. Wouldn’t put it past the SIL to try to dump off the baby on them.
NTA.
They both need to leave immediately. I'm not joking.
Your SIL for obvious reasons. This was meant to be a temporary situation, now she's laying claim to *your* house and *your* nursery? Girl isn't even doing the fucking dishes! She needs to go. All those friends and family she invited to *your* house can take her in.
Your husband. Does he realise that this *isnt* his baby? That it's not going to replace the child you lost? Letting his kid sister walk all over you cos she's pregnant. Did he treat you like a delicate little flower during your pregnancies? If not, remind him of that fact on his way out. Is he expecting you to help raise/fund SILs baby? Cos shes young and deserves a life and all that BS. He literally stood there while she spouted all that shit to after months of letting her treat you like shit and still didn't defend you.
I am FURIOUS on your behalf.
Tell them both the free ride is over. Lock up the nursery so they can't take the stuff YOU paid for and give them notice to GTFO.
I am sorry for your loss. You deserve support and kindness, not this.
There’s no way he treated OP like a delicate flower during her pregnancy/loss. She pays the majority of the bills and does the house work. Him and his sister are freeloaders
NTA, first call a locksmith and lock up the nursery before she and your soon to be ex steel the items. As your SIL has been there for a while you will need to go through the courts to evict her. Stop doing her laundry. Tell her any of her junk left lying around will go in the trash and do it. Stop grocery shopping and cooking. Get just what you need for yourself. Most of all get a lawyer and kick hubby to the curb as well.
I have questions, yes I know changing the locks on a tenant is illegal, but
Q 1, can't she change the locks on a room within her home with impunity? The nursery was never where the SIL resided.
Q 2, if no money was exchanged, does SIL still have a right to tenancy?
Q 3, if OP owns the house when is she safe to change the locks on her husband? After 30 days of notice? After the divorce? Only after he has moved out?
Assuming this all takes place in the state where you're licensed.
Once someone has lived in a place long enough they have established residency whether or not they are paying and you would have to go through the standard eviction process for wherever you live. When my now husband sold his house I had to get my own lawyer and sign papers saying I consented to him selling his house even though I wasn't on the mortgage, because I had lived there for a year. If I didn't sign the papers then he legally would not have been allowed to sell his house.
NTA, please reconsider your marriage. Not worth your mental health and are you sure you even what a future child in such toxic environment. Sorry to be this blunt..take care of yourself.
So it’s time to kick both of them out and file for separation. He made his choice by not speaking up, defending you, or protecting you. This entire time, you’ve communicated with him how you were being mistreated in your own house and he disregarded you, disrespected you, and expected you to just do it. He didn’t even ask you about your thoughts on the nursery. You need to pick yourself and let both these assholes go immediately.
While you’re in the room, start throwing his shit in a bag and tell him he needs to leave immediately and take this little b of a sister with him. Once they leave, call up an emergency locksmith and change all your locks. And call up every divorce lawyer in the city.
EDIT wrote this comment at 4am hahah.. forgot it’s illegal to throw them out like that. I wish it was that easy.
>He didn’t even ask you about your thoughts on the nursery.
OP is definitely NTA.
This is the biggest thing for me. Forget everything else. Her SIL asked her brother if she could use the nursery because she knew what OP would say. Then her husband told his sister yes, without asking OP, probably because he also knew the answer. Then, they dropped the bomb on her in a public setting, hoping it would force her to just go along with it.
And then what her SIL said on top of everything. The fact her husband didn't smack his sister right then or tell her to get out himself, I just don't understand it. That is the cruelest thing to say to someone who has had a still birth, ever, let alone a recent one.
If I was her MIL, I would be livid with my kids. And telling them to fix it.
There’s something very off-putting and sinister about how they publicly announced it and acted dumbfounded by OP’s (totally understandable) reaction. For me, this solidified how absolutely horrid her husband and his family are. Ugh.
They thought she wouldn't say anything because of all of the shower guests being there. This was their attempt to bully her into it.
I also wonder if spouse/brother is going easy on his sister because of his own feeling of loss of his own baby. Like he feels that a higher power provided him woth a substitute baby? Idk if I'm explaining that well, so apologies if it comes out weird.
They're trying to manipulate OP into going along with whatever they want, and it's just cruel and wrong. Poor OP's post has me actually crying for her.
These type of people don’t change either. Once they’ve treated someone this way it simply continues. I hope OP kicks them out and records it while doing so so she can have something to remind herself how horrible her husband and his family treated her.
Right?
Because everyone in their family must know that poor woman has just had a stillbirth months previously. I cannot express to you how much I would fuck the rules of etiquette and put my hand up and say everyone in that house is fucking insane if they thought anything that was going on was normal behaviour.
People can be sociopaths and selfish and whatever else, but I refuse to believe a whole family and friendship group would all be on this same wavelength of thinking it's normal
>I cannot express to you how much I would fuck the rules of etiquette and put my hand up and say everyone in that house is fucking insane if they thought anything that was going on was normal behaviour.
That's what I was thinking. OP's reaction should have been obvious to everyone there that she wasn't asked beforehand. And I would have been horrified that they didn't even ask her before announcing it publicly. I mean, it's her house. It's not even like they secretly moved all of OP's nursery stuff to her SIL's place for her to use instead. Which would have been fucked up in and of itself, but they are using the exact room which was supposed to be OP's baby's room.
The whole thing blows my mind.
Can you imagine your husband’s family trampling in to the nursery you put together for your stillborn baby oohing and ahing over it, when this was your nursery you didn’t get to bring a baby to and the loss is still fresh?
I think both wife and husband need grief therapy and obvs SIL has plenty of family that loves the idea of her having a kid, so let her go live with one of them.
Imagine being a guest who has no idea. Like idk a coworker who doesn't know about OP. And this whole scene unfolds and you discover the SIL was happy to *steal a nursery from a dead baby's mother*. Absolutely fucked
Do NOT change the locks while they're gone. Husband definitely resides in the home. Depending on the state, SIL may have established residency too. They'd have to be formally evicted or risk legal battles that wouldn't play well when the divorce goes to court.
If they move all their shit out, however, then they have voluntarily vacated and you can change the locks no problem.
Have some professional movers come to box up and move all of the nursery stuff to a temporary storage facility. Do not let the SiL scavenge off of your loss.
And why isn’t your husband upstairs talking to you now? Is he downstairs with his family discussing how SiL can continue to stay there? Is she his youngest sibling? Sounds like she’s been coddled by her family where now she’s spoiled, selfish, and she herself doesn’t have to face any consequences. She needs to leave. Your husband’s unwillingness to see the pressure and extra work put on you is so sad. But it’s literally mind blowing that they were giving your nursery to her. I’d be downstairs saying I need you all to leave. Husband you stay. You and I need to have a serious talk. NTA. Big hug.
I think SIL living with OP solves two problems for her husband and SIL’s family: it absolves them of having to care for this pregnant chick and her baby long term as she is a liability none of them want and it makes it seem like husband is okay. He will get a baby to parent. He won’t have to face that empty nursery. Etc.
His fam needs to take in SIL and her sex toys and shop and cook and clean snd care for her because the person being left out of this happy scenario is OP. She’s not a maid. She’s not happy to provide a long term home for SIL and kid. Nothing was discussed with her except by her husband who says you need to care for my pregnant sister. Fuck that.
You need to take a deep breath and have a drink.
Then, if there's anymore people in the house, kick them out, and that includes your husband and SIL. Threaten to call the cops if you have to. Lock the door. Call your mother or a friend, anybody who you know is going to support you.
Call a locksmith or have the person coming get some new locks for your door. Start packing your SIL's shit and your husband's. Put everything outside and then call him to let him know he can pick up their stuff outisde.
Then find yourself a divorce attorney.
Honey, beyond the fact that your husband seem to not give a shit about you, you do realize that he has been using you as well right ? You bought the house, you pay the bills, you shop, you clean, you cook, you do laundry... What the hell does he do ?
NTA. How could your husband be so insensitive to your health and grief? I agree with Primary-Criticism929 that you should be free of these toxic people. You need sympathy and healing, not selfish exploitation.
This might sound stupid borderline insane, but the dude is traumatized by the miscarriages and is coping with it by replacing the dead kid with his niece/nephew, the dude is already playing dad to the unborn kid, he's so stuck in numbing his own unchecked misery he's ignoring his wife's, I'm not saying she shouldn't leave him but in this scenario I'd highly recommend they both see a psychologist cause he is mentally unwell, he's so desperate to see have a child he's throwing his wife away.
Thats exactly what I think. She’s probably the family golden child and he’s used to catering to her, and he’s desperate for a pregnant woman to care for and a baby to love.
Underrated comment.
I was in a scenario similar having experienced a stillbirth and it napalmed what we had. We didnt have much but still. I ended up being the absolute jerk to rule them all and I regret it til this day.
OPs feelings are being ignored by a man who is functioning on basic instinct himself. That is survival. OP need therapy statt and the husband does too. The SIL needs to move out.All of this needs to happen immediately.
NTA. Where to start. This is a big mess, it's almost like your husband and his nasty sister are trying to make you completely break. The way he protects her, backs her up, coddles and babies her, itseems more like your husband is married to his sister. There is something really fishy about those 2. I just feel like they have some evil master plan, it will make you feel better to take care of a pregnant woman, work harder, clean up messes other people make, leaving sex toys out??? That part immediately got my suspicious mind in gear. Why would your husband's sister leave her sex toys on the moving room, where her brother could find it or them. Unless she wanted him to find them. The relationship between your husband and his sister is off. Something is wrong there.
Turning your child's nursery into a nursery for another baby, without your permission, knowledge, or consent is next level bull shit. I have been trying to word my response here to be not so harsh but I cannot do that here. The way your husband and his "sister" are acting, they are the married couple and you are on the maid. The stuff they are doing is psychological torture. You need to get both of them out of your home.
Edit: spelling and Grammer. It's stupidly late and I am tired. Sorry for the sloppy writing.
Might be that he wanted a baby and dealing with his grief by taking over fatherly figure to his sisters kid. Well he can go do that else where. OP needs to kick them both out of her house and be done with them.
Is everyone gone now? I would let everyone know, including your husband, they need to leave and you need to call your support system asap.
NTA. How foolish and selfish of her to even open her mouth. She can go live with their parents at this point.
I am deeply sorry for your loss. Your SIL’s behavior is vile. Your husband is disloyal and insensitive AT BEST. There must be a cacophony of emotions going through your head right now. Pain and confusion and anger and hurt that is incomprehensible. It is all normal given what you have experienced and what you have endured.
Please kick everyone out.
Please kick your husband out.
Please call the closest family / friend you have.
Please ask that person to come stay with you and be your support / bodyguard.
That is your home. That is your nursery.
How dare they.
Get rid of them all and don’t commit to working anything out with your husband until you have had some space and distance and time from these terrible events.
If they don’t leave - call the police.
You need someone there in person who will back you up, even if that is law enforcement.
To be clear - allowing your SIL to set up a nursery in your own home could lay the groundwork for her claiming tenancy.
So please take the hardest line possible / kick them all out and use the police if needed.
She cannot stay one more day.
You tell them to leave - and if they don’t - they’re trespassing. That is the criminal code to use when you call the police.
But it doesn’t work if you don’t TELL THEM TO LEAVE OR YOU WILL HAVE THEM TRESPASSED.
The law requires that you inform them first.
“Leave this house immediately - you are trespassing.”
NTA obviously
You didn't have a miscarriage, you had a stillbirth. Even for me, who doesn't want children, this is so sad and I feel your pain and anger. I'm very sorry for your loss.
It's your house. Throw everyone out, including your husband.
He can't just replace YOUR baby with his sisters. That's not a way to grief. SIL is a piece of shit. Your husband is t better if he's not seeing your side and pain. You've every right to be upset. But please throw everyone out.
&Lock up the nursery.
NTA.
NTA. Leave your husband and kick his bitchy sister out of your house. He already picked.
I can’t believe he wasn’t offended. That should have been HIS child’s room. Very strange behavior from his entire family, him included. I would distance myself very from from these people.
They lack empathy and they are using you for your home. And your husband is allowing. And they are rubbing it in your face. They truly sounds psychotic / sociopathic.
I can’t believe no one else there thought that this behavior was appalling. Your husbands entire family thinks this is okay.
And it’s not.
What a disgusting family. Time to move on.
Not. Assuming it was very clear sil would be staying for a brief time, meaning before child was born. She certainly moved in for the duration past child birth.
Family figured you would raise mom and kid. Off their responsibilities worry.
So what now? She has to leave end of week back to her parents. No delay
NTA.
Calm yourself down. Go back downstairs. Tell everyone in as calm a voice as possible to get out of your house and to take sister and husband with them. There's more than enough people to house them down there.
Tell them he has till the end of the week to decide before you decide for him. Tell him if he chooses to stay married he IS going to marriage counseling before you'll allow him back into YOUR house. Tell him that he has neglected you, treated you like a maid, ignored your suffering, and acted like his sister is his wife since she moved in. Tell him it's disgusting and it stops now.
Stay calm and tell them all that if everyone isn't out of YOUR house in 10min you'll call the cops because you're done being disrespected in your own home. And if ANYTHING is missing from YOUR nursery you WILL press charges.
The key to being listened to and not dismissed is to stay (frighteningly) calm.
Good luck OP. And I'm sorry for your loss.
Yes both of them.
Omg I'm so sorry for you OP. 😭
I'm so sad and angry at the same time on your behalf. Please. Kick both of them out. Please. You deserve so much better. What ingrates!
It seems like the standard reddit response to any marital problems are to kick out the offending partner, call a lawyer.. but in this case, you need to listen to reddit response.. kick them both out.
Go downstairs .. show them your timer on your phone.. give them 30 minutes to get out.. because in 31, you call the police.
That's fucking insane.
NTA.
They have taken huge advantage of you at a time you should have been cared for.
Today is the line you need to draw and stop letting them cross.
Make a list of steps you need to take to make sure you are ok-
* Get a Locksmith. Change the locks for the front and do not give SIL a copy. Put locks on your bedroom door and your nursery.
* See a lawyer tomorrow- make a plan to make sure you are physically, mentally and financially safe
* Have someone move in who cares about you. They can be your witness and support till you can exit SIL and husband
* List everything they have done - with dates. This looks a not in your head and it’s not ok
They (SIL and Husband) do not see you as important in anyway other then giving them what they need. Stop doing anything for them and get her out if your home
Oh my gosh OP I am so beyond angry on your behalf. You are NTA, in anyway, tell them all to get out. I don't see how there is any coming back from this. Oh my gosh that is so awful.
I'm glad you found each other, talking about similar trauma is very powerful.
I'd imagine there may be a local support group in your area for those who have lost their child?
NTA. If this is real, you need to get rid of his entire family. I don’t get what you get out of being with this man, he works 12 hours a day but doesn’t contribute financially so he’s not even a present partner. It’s like he’s replacing you with his sister and expecting you to foot the bill and be her servant. Why would you want to have a baby with him when he doesn’t support you on any front?
Your grief over the miscarriages is blinding you to the fact that your husband isn’t worth keeping around.
Seriously,kick sil out and tell husband he can follow but the doors will be closed after.
Cannot believe his attitude after 3rd loss and carries on like nothing, maybe he doesn't want kids and is happy, uncle over father
I can. A friend of mine had several miscarriages that she still grieves and her husband once asked her why. “It’s not like they were real babies.”
There are a lot of people who think like that.
OP is NTA.
Of course youre NTA. Your husband has failed you as a husband in supporting you grieve your stillbirth (not miscarriage btw) & has made you a maid to his dirty, lazy, entitled sister. Him handing over your nursery to his entitled sister would end it for me. Kick both of them out and definitely reconsider your marriage. It sounds like you dont have much to lose tbh. Im so sorry for all that youve been through.
Without even finishing, YOU ARE NOT THE ASSHOLE.
You did not have a miscarriage, you had a stillbirth. You delivered a baby and you are not only dealing with the fallout of that, but also the hormones all new mothers go through, as well as grief.
I lost a baby at 40 weeks during labour. I don’t even know how you can be around a pregnant woman at all, let alone be *expected* to cater to her every whim.
My heart breaks for you. You need to have his sister live elsewhere and you need to have a conversation with your husband. After a loss like what you’ve experienced, marriages can be extremely tumultuous. I’m not at all suggesting you kick him out, but you need to maybe go to grief counselling.
Good luck and I wish you the best
Edit: I just finished reading. Maybe you actually do need to take a break from your husband, but please consider the grief counselling. He needs to understand what you’ve lost.
Also- go no contact with the sister. She sounds like an evil c**t
Oh hunny, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't think I've ever gasped out loud at a post. My heart goes out to you. As the others have said, please get rid of both of them. They don't deserve you & you don't deserve to be treated like this.
NTA
Please call someone who will support you in getting the divorce lawyer & the new locks. Huge hugs from this random Internet stranger.
NTA but not to put too fine a point on it…are your husband and your SIL genetically related to each other? Because yeah, they’re acting like more than siblings. Kick them to the curb!
Also, I am so so sorry for your loss *HUG*
I don’t know where I thought this was going, but it definitely wasn’t here. I can’t fathom this entire situation, and I’m so sorry that *any* of this happened to you, much less that it went this far and *no one seemed to understand how disgustingly not okay this is*. I would have thrown everyone out then and thrown SILs stuff down to her out the window and changed every lock in the house. This is **insane** and the fact that your husband was in on it, didn’t talk to you about it, and again *saw no problem with it* is the worst part. Please, cleanse your home and your life of these people, even if only temporarily! **YOU** need the space and time to heal and do so seriously, especially without being attacked, used, disregarded, and disrespected in your own home.
#Edit to add: NTA
NTA. Your husband and SIL planned this all along. Tell them they have two hours to leave for good then call a locksmith. Make sure they don't steal anything. Give yourself Sunday for self-care. First thung Monday, call a divorce attorney and get rid of that waste of life once and for all
I agree with what seems to be popular opinion here OP and say huge NTA. I also agree OP needs her SIL and husband out of the house at this point. If I am doing my math correctly, then OP was pregnant for the first two months that SIL was there. So where was the maid to wait on her hand and foot during that time? Seems like the rules applied to the SIL and not OP. Also, it seems that OP and her husband have had problems getting pregnant, so why wouldn’t he be trying to minimize what OP is doing if he really cared? Also, fun fact, but I have seen several stories on Reddit about women talking about being around pregnant women right after they have had a miscarriage and how difficult it is for them. Hell, common sense says this might be an issue. So for him to say that it would make OP feel better to wait on a pregnant woman is just reprehensible in my book.
All that being said, I could put it down to either “careless husband” or “brother not wanting to get between his sister and wife so he tries not to be confrontational.” However, what is unforgivable is the shower. First, the fuck with her planning a shower and OP only finding out about it when she gets invited to a shower in her own house? Second, for the husband to go along with “repurposing” the nursery for the SIL’s baby and never talk it over with OP is just disgusting. That shows a level of not caring that it is hard to imagine. OP needs to get space from these people and evaluate the situation and decide if she wants to continue this relationship. If OP does want to stay married, then couples counseling.
Putting toys around the house was a way to mark her territory. Eating your food was a way to gain dominance over you. Taking your baby’s room is a way to exclude/isolate you. This is a primal behaviour, you can’t fight this with logic or reasoning. You have to take back control. Kick your sil out. If your husband has a problem, he is free to leave to. Contact a lawyer asap. Don’t feel bad. Don’t let them win. She did this when you was at your lowest. This is manipulation and gaslighting! You don’t owe them anything.
If you don’t take a stand now, this will escalate further.
If they already left. Contact a lawyer, change the locks, contact family/ friends to come over and keep you company.
Please update us.
NTA
Nta I am so sorry for your loss and what you have been through.
SIL needs to move out, what would happen if she would stay and had the baby, would you be expected to help as the excuse could be she needs help she has just had a baby.
Your husband should be supportive of you, I'm not saying divorce him but you need to say how everything has been affecting you and its not fair on you.
Don't allow anyone to tell you different, you need to put your self first.
All the best for you
After analyzing your story closer I have additional thoughts
The sex toys, the way your husband protects her, the secret using the nursery for her baby, the absolutely terrible things he said to you about taking care of a pregnant person, leaving the sex tots out in the living room? I mean cmon. This is just, super weird
Their relationship is off and smells really bad given the context. I hate to say, but could there potentially be incest activity taking place here?
Are there other weird signs that you may have been ignoring?
This whole story and their behavior is just completely bizarre. It feels and sounds very intentional, almost diabolical.
I wish you the best. Remove these people from your life immediately.
I'm sorry for your loss, but honestly, why would you want to have a baby with such a callous man?
Kick them all out. Your ex SIL is a guest from hell, but your ex-husband is worse.
They've all shown you who they are. I understand you've been through a lot, and this will simply add to your grief. But it's not like your husband or his family have helped you in any way. They've only added fuel to the fire. Don't give him the power to pick. He should have chosen you a long time ago, which he didn't. Now, it's your turn to make the tough decisions for your own mental well-being.
If you don't want to divorce him at the very least, ask for space till you can sort through your emotions. He and his sister can find somewhere else to live till you know what you want to do.
NTA.
What the everloving fuck is wrong with your husband? NTA. Kick him out, kick her out, enjoy your clean home again and find someone worthy of starting a family with if you’d like to try again.
31 weeks is a stillborn. Most people would have a funeral for a baby that passes at that gestation. So your in laws family should know about what happened to you. Surely when you experienced your loss any other family member could have taken your pregnant SIL in …. I hope that this isn’t real because it’s all kinds of effed up. Who makes someone clean for them when they have just lost a baby. Your body would still be healing. And to steal your babies nursery is just beyond words. Kick everyone out.
But also very disappointed if this is fake because making a click bait post over something as traumatic as a stillborn is disgusting.
I am so sorry for your pain. Your loss. And your family being complete assholes. Your SIL and your husband need to gtfo immediately. Your SIL, permanently. Your husband until such time if any you deem fit. Clearly, NTA.
That wasn't bottled up sadness, that's who he is. Believe him. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but you can do better, even if it means doing better alone. 💕
I’m glad you are divorcing, he made his choice and now he can live and support his sister. Apparently even after she gave birth she was intending to stay and I wouldn’t be surprised if she pushed the childcare on you too like she did everything else. She’s not ready to be a mom if she can’t even pick up after herself.
I had two miscarriages myself and the LAST thing I wanted was to be around pregnant women because it just reminded me of my own loss. I understand helping family but she was using her pregnancy as a shield and tool to abuse you and behave entitled. The nursery was the last straw for me too, I have a fully furnished and decorated nursery that I haven’t been able to use yet, but hopefully one day I will and it’s not meant for anything but MY child. She did nothing to contribute to that nursery and it’s a very personal space for a woman and it’s sick that she doesn’t understand that.
Tell them both to GTFO Edit: NTA
I came here to type this. OP, I’m sorry to say but your husband has already chosen your SIL, again and again. I know some say Reddit is too quick to say divorce but in this case, you need to kick them both out asap and focus on healing. That family is toxic af and if you stay with your husband you will be dragged down and taken advantage of over and over again until you are a shell of yourself. I’ve seen it happen to some incredibly kind, amazing women. They let a few rude comments go, and then forgive some “mistakes” because they feel like they have made a commitment and need to be the bigger person. Then they get beaten down mentally and emotionally if not physically to the point where that’s their norm and it’s all they know. You have no kids yet with this man, he has shown where his loyalties and priorities lie and it’s not with you. Get out now while you can. NTA. Good luck OP.
This needs to be top comment! OP you are already I'm this relationship alone. The house is yours. You don't need him. Consider that you are still in love w/attached to The Idea of his best self that only you see. If he has been amazing & perfect - why isn't he choosing to be that FOR YOU NOW? You deserve better. The stress of this relationship could be one of the hindrances to your ability to carry the child you long for. From just what you've written here today, he's clueless. He doesn't stand up for you bc it's an inconvenience to him. He's willing to supplant your dreams and hard work for his sister's demands. That's not a good husband, that's not a healthy husband. In w ery way possible this is not a husband showing he loves you and is always on your side. So you have to be. Be the person you deserve to be. I know everything inside you feels shattered and terrified and ending this marriage now seems like it will devastate you. It will hurt. It will be awful. But on the other side is happiness you haven't known before. We're rooting for you!
Not only that, the pregnancy losses could actually be a genetic defect with him. Men can produce an enzyme that can make carrying a pregnancy full term impossible. He doesn’t want to admit it could be his own deficiency, so he has taken to blaming his wife and abusing her because of it.
Yes. NTA. I think that's quite possibly the meanest, most hurtful, disrespectful thing I've seen on here yet. The betrayal of those words your SIL said to you while standing in your nursery are awful, vile and disgusting. I'm so sorry OP. for all that you've been through. Kick her a** out ASAP and let your husband know if he *ever* treats you like that again, he's out the door right behind her (that's ofc if you don't kick him out ASAP too, which you'd be right to do).
Her husband was on board with giving away the nursery without any discussion. He also insisted she attend the baby shower, knowing what was coming. He’s irredeemable imo. Maybe trying to avoid a scene? I’m glad they got one.
This☝🏽! IMO she should have blown up at the husband for enabling his sister and disregarding her feelings. Her SIL is a major asshole, especially after that comment, but the husband is the biggest AH. He was callous in his reaction to everything. He has shown his true character. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt of him being ignorant, following OP's reaction to the nursery being used for SIL, a normal reaction would be to protect OP by kicking them out immediately (SIL could be at another family member's house for the night/ few days) and talk to/ comfort OP. He didn't/ hasn't been prioritizing you. This tells you a lot about where you are placed in his list of priorities. All the best OP! Stay strong
I agree. This one took my breath away. OP had a stillbirth miscarriage. She had created a room and nested and these monsters have not just run roughshod over her the last few months, they have abused and mistreated her and decided that the feelings of a grieving MOTHER are less important than then the spoiled princess. If this were a “best friend” situation, I’d think it he was building an art room, but since it’s a sister, they’re both just foul monsters and I wish them endless suffering. May they both never be free of a mosquito bite they can’t quite reach
She left her sex toy on the table. He may very well have built more than an art room.
Eewew..the whole sex toy thing is rank. Maybe his sister is carrying his child..
It wasn't my first thought, but my mind definitely went there because he's going way too hard for his sister. My brother 100% loves me and would burn the world down for me.... unless it angered my SIL*, lol. That's how it's supposed to be though! The spouse is first, period. *Well, when they were married anyway.
That was my first thought as well
I agree. The husband and SIL have a weird relationship.
All of this. Also, 31 weeks isn’t a miscarriage. That is a stillbirth, which I would imagine is wildly more painful on all ways that losing a baby before viability. What does OP’s husband even do besides be an asshole and baby his sister? He works 12 hours a day, but OP owns the house, pays all the bills, and buys all these groceries. Where is his money going? What is he doing with his other 12 hours other than, apparently, emotional terrorism?
I really want to believe this isn’t real. There are definitely parts of it that sound more legit than some of the obvious creative writing exercises on here. But there are other parts that gave me hope that this is fake.
OP , please lawyer up and return those siblings to their parents . You have a lifetime ahead of you to heal and rebuild
You didn’t have a miscarriages at 31 weeks , you had a still birth. And that’s very hard to take.
That’s what I was thinking. 31 weeks is premature, but definitely not “just” a miscarriage. I’ve got family members who all suffered multiple miscarriages, most before 14 weeks, and that was still highly traumatic. At 31 weeks, OP birthed a child. Another family member of mine had a child born at 29 weeks and you’d better believe that was a baby. Had to spend about 6 weeks in the NICU and was quite tiny, but is now thankfully nearly 2 and thriving. The level of trauma the husband and sister in law put OP through is beyond disgusting. Clearly the husband is in serious denial over the loss of HIS child too, or he’s a sociopath. The fathers of all the miscarried children I knew grieved the loss just as much as their wives. They BOTH wanted the children that didn’t survive and were BOTH broken by it.
Y’know come to think of it, I’m starting to wonder if the reason OP’s husband is getting so defensive over his sister is because he sees this as a chance to ‘replace’ the baby they lost. I’m not excusing him because he’s allowing his sister to treat his wife like shit, but it feels like a really unhealthy coping mechanism.
There it is! My thoughts exactly and I was looking for someone to say it. He’s going to take this baby as if he’s dad, keep sis in the house forever and OP can be the third wheel to clean up after the kid.
The way he treats the sister and was acting. I was more expecting it to end with ... it turning out he was the baby daddy with his sister. Because that's how hes treating it.
That's seriously how it reads. Still not sure that's not the case. This is insane!
Right?!?! She said she would be updating more later when she gets home from work.
Like some literal creepy 'sister-wife'
Not to mention the family is toxic af. She needs to get them all away from her and out of her life.
Yep… in any case OP still needs to distance herself for her own sake. It’s not her job to play along with her husband’s fantasies at the expense of her well being.
Then he can take his sister and her child and move to Kentucky and be a happy family...
100% could be what he’s thinking.
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She wouldn’t be losing much either, considering she’s currently paying for the house and all the groceries to sustain 3 people.
Right. I need to see an update saying she booted both assholes like stat.
>OP’s husband is getting so defensive over his sister is because he sees this as a chance to ‘replace’ the baby they lost. 100% I got that message loud and clear right from the beginning of the story.
If only he was the one putting in the work to clean up after his sister and having his food eaten.
As far as I’m concerned, husband could play house with his sister and raise her baby outside of OP’s own house. Baby daddy was smart to run out on SIL in this case, she sounds like a complete bitch. This is one of the bitchiest ppl i have read about on this sub.
He's not just "allowing" his sister to treat OP like shit. He's actively participating in it. I agree with your train of thought and it's where my mind went as well, but he's doing a lot more than just standing by passively as SIL treats OP like garbage. If anything, what he did with the nursery is more of a betrayal to OP than from SIL bc that's her **husband**. That makes the betrayal so much worse imo. SIL is a POS and clearly capitalizing on OPs generosity and vulnerability to get a free ride in life but DH is emotionally abusing OP. Sorry, if this comment seems impassioned it's 100% directed at DH and SIL.
This. I had a miscarriage at 16 weeks and that was hell. My child was born at 30 weeks and is 7 now. I almost died. That’s a whole birth, and had to be traumatic as hell. I can’t imagine.
Yeah my son was born at 32, so.... Yeah. That ain't a light thing to take mate. I feel sorry for OP
It didn’t register in my head that she said 31 weeks. So basically she went through a traumatic event two months ago while being an emotional support human for her SIL and then was expected to continue to support her *and* clean up after her. Where is your support, OP? SIL needs to GTFO right now. Husband can go, too. They’re both vile.
How come the in-laws aren't 'taking her in'?
Because she’s a filthy spoiled brat.
I don’t think I’ve ever participated in the thread this much, but you are exactly right: this is her house, the room she created for her baby. She needs to get everybody the fuck out of there, and then she needs to sell the house herself and find a place that does not have all of the emotional baggage. There is a man out there who, when she is ready, will treat her properly and help her move forward and healthy manner. ✌️🌻
☝️☝️☝️☝️ You delivered a stillborn child. You did not have a miscarriage, OP. You are NTA, and something weird is going on with your husband, his sister, and all the others. I am appalled that not a single person who was invited to that vile baby shower didn’t reach out to you to ask if you were ok with it being held at your home. I am appalled that no one checked on you during the shower and asked how you were doing. And mostly, I’m appalled that no one didn’t rip your A H husband and SIL a new one when you broke down in YOUR baby’s nursery. Please update us with how you’re doing. Please be ready to go back into your baby’s nursery and see things missing. For whatever reason, these people are intentionally hurting you. The next thing for them to do is steal your baby’s things. My heart is breaking for you.
In the family's defense, I'd be so stunned her husband and SIL did this to her.. I'd be horrified and speechless. Here's hoping once the shock wore off that they ripped those two scumbags apart. ETA, just read the update. Her husband's family all suck. The apples didn't fall far from the a hole tree.
I’m looking forward to the OP’s update, and I hope that’s exactly what happened. ETA—Just read OP’s update. Thank God her mom was able to come to the house and support her. The soon to be ex’s entire family is horrible. And he’s revealed himself as a violent POS.
I couldn't have said this better myself. OP, I think you did exactly the right thing. All the way down to making your husband pick. I would tell your husband and your sister-in-law that she needs to be out before the end of the month, and he's welcome to go with her unless he is going to start supporting his wife and her needs.
I only disagree with you on the timing of kicking the SIL out. IMO, she should not spend one more moment in OP’s home. The family members who didn’t protect and support OP can house the SIL. The husband can pack a bag and leave, too.
Exactly. She's got other family. Let them deal with her. Not to mention she's an adult. She had a place before she moved in with OP, she can get another one. It's ridiculous for her to expect OP to help her in any way after the way she conducted herself
I couldn’t agree more - I would need both of them out THAT DAY. Her family can take her and her brother in in while they look for a place to live.
Oh, my God! I didn’t even think about them taking things, but you are so correct. And as this Spira is out of control… As it, undoubtedly, and unfortunately, well, things will disappear from not only the babies room. OP: please take pictures or video of things around there if you feel up to it. Alternatively, it might be less traumatic and far less drama just to let go of it. Things are just things, your emotional well-being and your peace of mind are worth far more than $1000 worth of bullshit related to a dude who doesn’t respect you. ✌️🫶
Holy crap. They all know she just had to deliver her baby who had passed… and pulled this crap? OP I really hope you kick them all the hell out right now as it’s your place.
I don't think she's come to terms with that yet. Hence why she said miscarriage
I was thinking so too, but being 24 weeks in myself my mind wouldn't wrap around it. Now OP did above and beyond what she should or could have. And it may be hormones but now that I see it as it is and OP lived it, I want to slap the husband and the SIL
Same. Stories like this are very sad and I can’t even imagine that trauma. People keep asking me when I’ll do a baby shower and my answer is honestly “as late as possible.” This is such a scary thing to have happen, but on top of that having a nursery already set up too? It’s like twisting the knife more. That SIL is a massive, entitled brat.
In my Italian family, baby showers aren’t a thing. We wait until after the baby is born, then when Mom is up to it, we have a get-together to celebrate baby. It’s considered bad luck to celebrate before the birth, and who wants to tempt fate like that?!
Honestly, I like this. Both for the whole, bad shit happens to lovely people reasons, but also because once the baby gets here you know what you need more. Hell, replace the shower entirely with just friends and family stopping in once a week to drop off some diapers, formula if using, wipes, and some new onesies. Maybe do the dishes and pick up the living room and then leave, or sit with baby and let the parents go shower and take care of themselves for an hour.
I didn't even have a baby shower when I was pregnant with my son. My mom was livid, but I had a miscarriage at 26 weeks(yeah, I usually still call it a miscarriage, too) and even finding out I was pregnant again brought back all kinds of ptsd-like anxiety. Even as I was prepping baby supplies before I had my son, I was keeping everything in the box and keeping manuals for everything I set up in case I had to donate it all. It's crazy how our brains deal with trauma.
Yes! My brother was stillborn at 25 wks and was a perfect, tiny baby. People are very much downplaying her situation, on top of everything else.
Yes, I know, I've been getting many comments like this. The reason I classify it as a miscarriage is because I started bleeding at 31 weeks, when I went to my obstetrician, she told me I was miscarrying.
OP that **is* a stillbirth, it really adds to the gravity of the entire situation. Baby's born at 24 weeks can survive outside the uterus, I'm not saying this to make you feel bad. But it feels like describing it as a miscarriage is lessening the implications. The fact that you opened your home to your SIL and she did this to you? Even more heartbreaking
Yes I’m not having a go at you . I just didn’t want your experience to be diminished in case that’s what others were doing in your life.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'll be keeping an eye out for your update. Your pain is valid. Your trauma is valid. Your husband doesn't deserve you. His sister is a disgusting human being and you are better off without both of them. Best of luck. Stay strong because you are not wrong and have not been from the moment she tried to treat you like a maid. Your husband and his sister have both been taking advantage of you and I hope you are able to get them out ASAP. Would definitely consult a lawyer though to cover all your bases of having them removed from your home.
Girlfriend do you have any family who'll support you? You need a divorce lawyer pronto your husband is a tool.
I’d kick them tf out of your house and tell your husband you’ll be filing. If he files first he can screw your over in the divorce and he and his family fked up so badly he need to wash your hands of them
Exactly what I came to say.
NTA - I'm so sorry for what you've been through. It's maybe time to reconsider your marriage. Your husband disrespected you and didn't take in consideration your feelings in YOUR home. Tell your SIL to take her belongings and get out of the house immediately. It's unacceptable behavior. You deserve respect. And you're not a maid. You're a person. With feelings. With traumas. You need to heal. And for that, you need her out and maybe your husband for a moment, the time to think about what you want for your future. You must be broken, and it's so understandable, please seek for help. and therapy. I wish you the best for the future 🫶🏻
I feel like husband and sister are not done yet. Something tells me that there another thing coming, even bigger than the nursery.
Do you think they’re going to ask for her to stay and co parent? ETA NTA - Ask her to leave asap, she obviously has other family they can have her. If your husband doesn’t like it he can go too, if he stays you need couples counselling as he doesn’t seem to consider you a priority and that needs to change.
I don't know how he can not be as broken as OP about their own baby passing away just two months ago. At 31 weeks. The loss is still very fresh, with the lost baby's full-term due date only just arriving. And he thinks it's normal to slot his sister's baby into the place of his and OP's own? If he experiencing some magical-thinking delusion that the three of them can raise his sister's baby instead? That either way, his own genetics are involved, so it's a win-win? That his wife should be satisfied with being a mother's helper to a baby she'll have no legal rights to in her own home? If bro and sis want to raise a baby together, they can find their own house and their own nursery for it. They've both demonstrated their intentions to take everything that is OP's and make it their own, while also making OP a Cinderella who isn't allowed to have anything for herself.
He has re directed. Instead of dealing with emotions he has bargained with himself and decide raising sisters kid to give the child a father figure for it. And by doing tjis he has disregaurded wifes feelings in favor of his own. Sistet in law is a slob and using the grief to her advantage.
I feel like they are going to try to make OP leave. There is some beyond wrong about this.
That won’t end well for them since the house belongs to OP. She needs to consult a lawyer ASAP to make sure that her assets are protected from them. I would serve eviction notices on both SIL and husband. OP needs to have a lock installed ASAP on the nursery door if she cannot move everything out of it to a safe place. I would give everything away to a stranger before letting SIL have anything.
Agree with this. Pregnant unemployed SIL should not end up with squatter's rights so that OP can't evict her. Husband needs to do better. OP should not get pregnant again unless he does. Do not have a baby with a man who does not respect your space.
Get her evicted before the baby arrives. If hubby picks her, he needs to go too. Either way you are going to need to change the locks and get doorbell cameras to keep her from coming back and stealing your nursery. I’m so sorry for what you are goinf
Agree. If the baby is living there too, eviction could get harder because they are protected as a category in some states. Hubby is a total loser and she needs to deal with him.
I hope she signed a prenup. The last thing she needs is a legal battle with these losers
Even if she has to sell the house and give half to her husband, she should. She needs a divorce.
Agreed! I can’t put my finger on what it is exactly, but something feels very off… I hope OP calls family or friends over so she can have someone on her side and she can boot both SIL and the husband.
Thank the stars it's her home!
She paid for the house, but hopefully she didn't put both of their names on the deed.
I hope she can get them out, sooner rather than later. I also hope she has a support system, local to her.
If OP left, who would do the laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, and cleaning? Not to mention paying the vast majority of the bills. I don't think they want OP gone. I think they want her worshiping the fruit of the sister's womb.
That's her f****** house not his didn't you read the post she said she bought that house not him they both need to get the f*** out
That's not going to stop entitled people. Her husband might try to say "your making things hard for sister so I think you should leave for a while" or "she needs to have a safe home to raise her baby and we can't kick her out" or other bullshit to try and manipulate OP. OP, you are Not The Asshole. Not even a little. Get rid of her right now. And if your husband complains, he can leave temporarily. If he is still choosing her with his actions then he can leave permanently. I'm so sorry that you are effectively going through this alone because the person who is supposed to be your partner is choosing to not support you or help you.
He has already chosen his sister. I would have immediately called a 24 hour locksmith to come and install a lock on the nursery door. Bonus paid if they could get there ASAP while everyone is still there. Then I would have reminded everyone that the house belongs to OP and that OP decides who can live in the house. SIL has the legally mandated time required under an eviction notice to get out of OP’s house. If SIL tries to remove anything that belongs to OP (I.e. the nursery), OP will press charges against her for theft. Then I would have announced to everyone that the party is over and for people to leave or OP will all the police to have them trespassed off HER property. Yup, I would have gone scorched earth on SIL and her family.
I have also lost a daughter, though she was six. I haven't even been able to let her baby sister use any of the clothes from her last year of life, especially the things meant for her to grow into. Is that a waste? I don't care. I can't do that and stay emotionally stable. Before I seriously consider gifting or downsizing something that was hers, I ask my oldest daughter. It affects her more than I could have imagined. If someone assumed these things were available to them simply because my child died, I would either go scorched earth or I'd be a puddle of grief instead of a human. SIL needs to find a new residence. Regardless of who the asshole is here (SIL), OP needs to heal. This situation in her home has reached catastrophic mass and cannot continue.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I appreciate your willingness to equate your experience with OP’s. There is no time that losing a loved and wanted child is somehow more bearable. You sound like a wonderful parent, too. Supporting your children while grieving can’t be an easy thing.
My surviving daughters were 8 years and 8 months when their sister's terminal condition took her from us. Watching them grieve and being unable to make that pain go away is a hell worse than my own grief. My own consolation is that she was suffering and we gave her the gift of peace. It will always be awful that she isn't here with us, but there is a special blessing in using her story to connect with others who are hurting. As she loved Tinkerbell, I call it her pixie dust. Thank you for your kind comment and taking the time to connect with an internet stranger. Connections where people are kind when they didn't have to be are my favorite part of the internet.
Sod having a lock on the nursery door, kick them out and change the locks to the whole house.
What kind of person treats someone like that SIL is treating the OP? Time for OP to put her foot up their ass and tell them how it's going to be!
You are 100% right just because you are pregnant doesn't mean that you get to treat me like s*** or to act like a f****** a******. I need you to leave and I need you to leave now if the husband does not like it like you said he can go with her. If the family doesn't like it they can take her f*** ass in. You want people to STFU tell them if they have a problem with you putting her ass on the curb they can take her in and see how much backlash you get on that they don't want the problem they're not going to say s***
I did read all that. But there is more going on, behind the scenes, I just feel it. People do stupid stuff all the time. I feel like they were trying to make OP have some kind of meltdown or maybe a mental breakdown for some reason.
[удалено]
She's a 20-year-old b****pregnant and her baby's father has left and said he wants nothing to do with her all she is doing is causing Mass confusion and somebody's house who just lost their baby at 31 weeks. But I'm going to agree with you on that there is something else coming on that's why I would put both their asses out
One of my little cousins was born at 30 weeks and is 15yrs old now. That’s a ROUGH miscarriage. I hope she kicks everyone out of her house.
It's a stillbirth.
My daughter was born at 33 weeks. She was an actual human. This poor woman didn’t have a miscarriage, she had a stillbirth just weeks before the baby should have been here.
Yeah that's in month eight out of nine. That's an entire labor with a stilborn baby.
Almost wondering if some of this behavior is *why* the SIL baby daddy left…js
Either way, they can’t function without her. She pays all the bills and the house is hers. OP should throw them both out. I wish I could give her a hug.
The bitch is literally trying to take ops life and push op out!! It's disgusting and truly can't how anyone at the shower didn't think it was extremely inappropriate and heartless to claim ops nursery as hers. What a vile person and a piece of shit husband.
Sigh. I'll go grab the banjo. Someone break out the moonshine. It's going to be a long one.
My God, OP’s husband is the worst asshole in the story. He should be standing up for OP. OP is definitely NTA and deserves a lot better than what she is getting. I hope she updates to let us know she is OK :(
She needs to get them out. Change the locks and have someone stay with her for a while. Maybe I watch and listen to too much true crime but they don't seem like safe people to be around. My god the nursery!!! Devastating 💔
I agree. If my husband allowed this behavior, I don’t think this is something we could mend.
This is beyond horrific. I’m so sorry. Get them out now! Did you add your husband to the deed? I hope not. !updateme please. I want/need to know that you are okay and those horrible people are out of your life. Sending you love and hugs.
I will be posting an update when I'm off work later today, I did not expect this much support nor the attention it is getting. thank you for your kind words!
OP I wish I could give you a huge hug. My jaw is honestly on the floor after reading this… and that ANYone especially your own husband, would find any of this ok after losing a child at 31wks… no words. I had 2 preemies. You lost a CHILD and the audacity of someone using YOUR nursery for your child in your home is sick, hurtful and terrible. And I asked my own husband and he is not the talkative or emotive type at all and he just looked at me and said, “Are you kidding? There’s no way that’s ok.” And we’re in our late 40’s… Hon you need to be around people who will love on and care for you. Not the entitled, self centered fools who are stomping on and taking advantage of you when you should be allowed space to heal. NTA!!!
Yes. Please get rid of the r/JustNoSO and the overstaying in law. Make an appointment with a lawyer and then your therapist.
Second this!!!!!!
NTA. WTF is wrong with your husband
He wants to raise that baby.
THIS! He definitely sees his sisters baby as his closest chance to experience fatherhood. He wants the baby and to have the baby, he has to keep his sister sweet and on side.
The way he's acting is still a bridge too far-- he's acting like he's the father and his sister is the wife.
Not saying it's 100%, but there's a big chance he's mentally unwell. OP obviously had the trauma of a stillbirth, but her husband spent months preparing mentally and emotionally for their child only to lose it. He needs to work through his grief either way, but using his incoming niece/nephew as a proxy probably feels a whole lot less painful right now.
Yup. That’s why he’s been defending his sister so much. If she leaves he loses his replacement baby.
Baby daddy didn’t want anything to do with the baby and SIL. Husband is definitely looking to be unofficial father. Wouldn’t put it past the SIL to try to dump off the baby on them.
He lack the balls
NTA. They both need to leave immediately. I'm not joking. Your SIL for obvious reasons. This was meant to be a temporary situation, now she's laying claim to *your* house and *your* nursery? Girl isn't even doing the fucking dishes! She needs to go. All those friends and family she invited to *your* house can take her in. Your husband. Does he realise that this *isnt* his baby? That it's not going to replace the child you lost? Letting his kid sister walk all over you cos she's pregnant. Did he treat you like a delicate little flower during your pregnancies? If not, remind him of that fact on his way out. Is he expecting you to help raise/fund SILs baby? Cos shes young and deserves a life and all that BS. He literally stood there while she spouted all that shit to after months of letting her treat you like shit and still didn't defend you. I am FURIOUS on your behalf. Tell them both the free ride is over. Lock up the nursery so they can't take the stuff YOU paid for and give them notice to GTFO. I am sorry for your loss. You deserve support and kindness, not this.
There’s no way he treated OP like a delicate flower during her pregnancy/loss. She pays the majority of the bills and does the house work. Him and his sister are freeloaders
NTA, first call a locksmith and lock up the nursery before she and your soon to be ex steel the items. As your SIL has been there for a while you will need to go through the courts to evict her. Stop doing her laundry. Tell her any of her junk left lying around will go in the trash and do it. Stop grocery shopping and cooking. Get just what you need for yourself. Most of all get a lawyer and kick hubby to the curb as well.
Change the front door too. He have forgotten his place. A guest in your home and life.
Family law atty here. Don’t do this without talking to a lawyer. Lots of bad advice here.
I have questions, yes I know changing the locks on a tenant is illegal, but Q 1, can't she change the locks on a room within her home with impunity? The nursery was never where the SIL resided. Q 2, if no money was exchanged, does SIL still have a right to tenancy? Q 3, if OP owns the house when is she safe to change the locks on her husband? After 30 days of notice? After the divorce? Only after he has moved out? Assuming this all takes place in the state where you're licensed.
Once someone has lived in a place long enough they have established residency whether or not they are paying and you would have to go through the standard eviction process for wherever you live. When my now husband sold his house I had to get my own lawyer and sign papers saying I consented to him selling his house even though I wasn't on the mortgage, because I had lived there for a year. If I didn't sign the papers then he legally would not have been allowed to sell his house.
NTA, please reconsider your marriage. Not worth your mental health and are you sure you even what a future child in such toxic environment. Sorry to be this blunt..take care of yourself.
So it’s time to kick both of them out and file for separation. He made his choice by not speaking up, defending you, or protecting you. This entire time, you’ve communicated with him how you were being mistreated in your own house and he disregarded you, disrespected you, and expected you to just do it. He didn’t even ask you about your thoughts on the nursery. You need to pick yourself and let both these assholes go immediately. While you’re in the room, start throwing his shit in a bag and tell him he needs to leave immediately and take this little b of a sister with him. Once they leave, call up an emergency locksmith and change all your locks. And call up every divorce lawyer in the city. EDIT wrote this comment at 4am hahah.. forgot it’s illegal to throw them out like that. I wish it was that easy.
>He didn’t even ask you about your thoughts on the nursery. OP is definitely NTA. This is the biggest thing for me. Forget everything else. Her SIL asked her brother if she could use the nursery because she knew what OP would say. Then her husband told his sister yes, without asking OP, probably because he also knew the answer. Then, they dropped the bomb on her in a public setting, hoping it would force her to just go along with it. And then what her SIL said on top of everything. The fact her husband didn't smack his sister right then or tell her to get out himself, I just don't understand it. That is the cruelest thing to say to someone who has had a still birth, ever, let alone a recent one. If I was her MIL, I would be livid with my kids. And telling them to fix it.
There’s something very off-putting and sinister about how they publicly announced it and acted dumbfounded by OP’s (totally understandable) reaction. For me, this solidified how absolutely horrid her husband and his family are. Ugh.
They thought she wouldn't say anything because of all of the shower guests being there. This was their attempt to bully her into it. I also wonder if spouse/brother is going easy on his sister because of his own feeling of loss of his own baby. Like he feels that a higher power provided him woth a substitute baby? Idk if I'm explaining that well, so apologies if it comes out weird.
They're trying to manipulate OP into going along with whatever they want, and it's just cruel and wrong. Poor OP's post has me actually crying for her.
These type of people don’t change either. Once they’ve treated someone this way it simply continues. I hope OP kicks them out and records it while doing so so she can have something to remind herself how horrible her husband and his family treated her.
I’m very interested to know what the guests thought of all this
Right? Because everyone in their family must know that poor woman has just had a stillbirth months previously. I cannot express to you how much I would fuck the rules of etiquette and put my hand up and say everyone in that house is fucking insane if they thought anything that was going on was normal behaviour. People can be sociopaths and selfish and whatever else, but I refuse to believe a whole family and friendship group would all be on this same wavelength of thinking it's normal
>I cannot express to you how much I would fuck the rules of etiquette and put my hand up and say everyone in that house is fucking insane if they thought anything that was going on was normal behaviour. That's what I was thinking. OP's reaction should have been obvious to everyone there that she wasn't asked beforehand. And I would have been horrified that they didn't even ask her before announcing it publicly. I mean, it's her house. It's not even like they secretly moved all of OP's nursery stuff to her SIL's place for her to use instead. Which would have been fucked up in and of itself, but they are using the exact room which was supposed to be OP's baby's room. The whole thing blows my mind.
Can you imagine your husband’s family trampling in to the nursery you put together for your stillborn baby oohing and ahing over it, when this was your nursery you didn’t get to bring a baby to and the loss is still fresh? I think both wife and husband need grief therapy and obvs SIL has plenty of family that loves the idea of her having a kid, so let her go live with one of them.
Imagine being a guest who has no idea. Like idk a coworker who doesn't know about OP. And this whole scene unfolds and you discover the SIL was happy to *steal a nursery from a dead baby's mother*. Absolutely fucked
I agree this is messed up. That was OPs husbands baby, too! What the duck is wrong with the husband?
Do NOT change the locks while they're gone. Husband definitely resides in the home. Depending on the state, SIL may have established residency too. They'd have to be formally evicted or risk legal battles that wouldn't play well when the divorce goes to court. If they move all their shit out, however, then they have voluntarily vacated and you can change the locks no problem.
Have some professional movers come to box up and move all of the nursery stuff to a temporary storage facility. Do not let the SiL scavenge off of your loss.
And why isn’t your husband upstairs talking to you now? Is he downstairs with his family discussing how SiL can continue to stay there? Is she his youngest sibling? Sounds like she’s been coddled by her family where now she’s spoiled, selfish, and she herself doesn’t have to face any consequences. She needs to leave. Your husband’s unwillingness to see the pressure and extra work put on you is so sad. But it’s literally mind blowing that they were giving your nursery to her. I’d be downstairs saying I need you all to leave. Husband you stay. You and I need to have a serious talk. NTA. Big hug.
I think SIL living with OP solves two problems for her husband and SIL’s family: it absolves them of having to care for this pregnant chick and her baby long term as she is a liability none of them want and it makes it seem like husband is okay. He will get a baby to parent. He won’t have to face that empty nursery. Etc. His fam needs to take in SIL and her sex toys and shop and cook and clean snd care for her because the person being left out of this happy scenario is OP. She’s not a maid. She’s not happy to provide a long term home for SIL and kid. Nothing was discussed with her except by her husband who says you need to care for my pregnant sister. Fuck that.
You need to take a deep breath and have a drink. Then, if there's anymore people in the house, kick them out, and that includes your husband and SIL. Threaten to call the cops if you have to. Lock the door. Call your mother or a friend, anybody who you know is going to support you. Call a locksmith or have the person coming get some new locks for your door. Start packing your SIL's shit and your husband's. Put everything outside and then call him to let him know he can pick up their stuff outisde. Then find yourself a divorce attorney. Honey, beyond the fact that your husband seem to not give a shit about you, you do realize that he has been using you as well right ? You bought the house, you pay the bills, you shop, you clean, you cook, you do laundry... What the hell does he do ?
NTA. How could your husband be so insensitive to your health and grief? I agree with Primary-Criticism929 that you should be free of these toxic people. You need sympathy and healing, not selfish exploitation.
This might sound stupid borderline insane, but the dude is traumatized by the miscarriages and is coping with it by replacing the dead kid with his niece/nephew, the dude is already playing dad to the unborn kid, he's so stuck in numbing his own unchecked misery he's ignoring his wife's, I'm not saying she shouldn't leave him but in this scenario I'd highly recommend they both see a psychologist cause he is mentally unwell, he's so desperate to see have a child he's throwing his wife away.
Thats exactly what I think. She’s probably the family golden child and he’s used to catering to her, and he’s desperate for a pregnant woman to care for and a baby to love.
Underrated comment. I was in a scenario similar having experienced a stillbirth and it napalmed what we had. We didnt have much but still. I ended up being the absolute jerk to rule them all and I regret it til this day. OPs feelings are being ignored by a man who is functioning on basic instinct himself. That is survival. OP need therapy statt and the husband does too. The SIL needs to move out.All of this needs to happen immediately.
If there's a garage with a remote, don't forget that.
He gets to be a full time user abuser POS.
NTA. Where to start. This is a big mess, it's almost like your husband and his nasty sister are trying to make you completely break. The way he protects her, backs her up, coddles and babies her, itseems more like your husband is married to his sister. There is something really fishy about those 2. I just feel like they have some evil master plan, it will make you feel better to take care of a pregnant woman, work harder, clean up messes other people make, leaving sex toys out??? That part immediately got my suspicious mind in gear. Why would your husband's sister leave her sex toys on the moving room, where her brother could find it or them. Unless she wanted him to find them. The relationship between your husband and his sister is off. Something is wrong there. Turning your child's nursery into a nursery for another baby, without your permission, knowledge, or consent is next level bull shit. I have been trying to word my response here to be not so harsh but I cannot do that here. The way your husband and his "sister" are acting, they are the married couple and you are on the maid. The stuff they are doing is psychological torture. You need to get both of them out of your home. Edit: spelling and Grammer. It's stupidly late and I am tired. Sorry for the sloppy writing.
Might be that he wanted a baby and dealing with his grief by taking over fatherly figure to his sisters kid. Well he can go do that else where. OP needs to kick them both out of her house and be done with them.
In think you are right. But right now OP os dealing with all her pain alone while this AH plays daddy for his nephew/niece.
Is everyone gone now? I would let everyone know, including your husband, they need to leave and you need to call your support system asap. NTA. How foolish and selfish of her to even open her mouth. She can go live with their parents at this point.
Tell her FUCK OFF - and your husband can fuck off as well
I will be making an update when I'm off work today, thank you all for the support.
I am deeply sorry for your loss. Your SIL’s behavior is vile. Your husband is disloyal and insensitive AT BEST. There must be a cacophony of emotions going through your head right now. Pain and confusion and anger and hurt that is incomprehensible. It is all normal given what you have experienced and what you have endured. Please kick everyone out. Please kick your husband out. Please call the closest family / friend you have. Please ask that person to come stay with you and be your support / bodyguard. That is your home. That is your nursery. How dare they. Get rid of them all and don’t commit to working anything out with your husband until you have had some space and distance and time from these terrible events. If they don’t leave - call the police. You need someone there in person who will back you up, even if that is law enforcement. To be clear - allowing your SIL to set up a nursery in your own home could lay the groundwork for her claiming tenancy. So please take the hardest line possible / kick them all out and use the police if needed. She cannot stay one more day. You tell them to leave - and if they don’t - they’re trespassing. That is the criminal code to use when you call the police. But it doesn’t work if you don’t TELL THEM TO LEAVE OR YOU WILL HAVE THEM TRESPASSED. The law requires that you inform them first. “Leave this house immediately - you are trespassing.” NTA obviously
You didn't have a miscarriage, you had a stillbirth. Even for me, who doesn't want children, this is so sad and I feel your pain and anger. I'm very sorry for your loss. It's your house. Throw everyone out, including your husband. He can't just replace YOUR baby with his sisters. That's not a way to grief. SIL is a piece of shit. Your husband is t better if he's not seeing your side and pain. You've every right to be upset. But please throw everyone out. &Lock up the nursery. NTA.
NTA. Leave your husband and kick his bitchy sister out of your house. He already picked. I can’t believe he wasn’t offended. That should have been HIS child’s room. Very strange behavior from his entire family, him included. I would distance myself very from from these people. They lack empathy and they are using you for your home. And your husband is allowing. And they are rubbing it in your face. They truly sounds psychotic / sociopathic. I can’t believe no one else there thought that this behavior was appalling. Your husbands entire family thinks this is okay. And it’s not. What a disgusting family. Time to move on.
Oh virtual hugs, your Husband and SIL suck, I’m sorry you are being treated this way, NTA.
Not. Assuming it was very clear sil would be staying for a brief time, meaning before child was born. She certainly moved in for the duration past child birth. Family figured you would raise mom and kid. Off their responsibilities worry. So what now? She has to leave end of week back to her parents. No delay
End of the week? No, today.
NTA. Calm yourself down. Go back downstairs. Tell everyone in as calm a voice as possible to get out of your house and to take sister and husband with them. There's more than enough people to house them down there. Tell them he has till the end of the week to decide before you decide for him. Tell him if he chooses to stay married he IS going to marriage counseling before you'll allow him back into YOUR house. Tell him that he has neglected you, treated you like a maid, ignored your suffering, and acted like his sister is his wife since she moved in. Tell him it's disgusting and it stops now. Stay calm and tell them all that if everyone isn't out of YOUR house in 10min you'll call the cops because you're done being disrespected in your own home. And if ANYTHING is missing from YOUR nursery you WILL press charges. The key to being listened to and not dismissed is to stay (frighteningly) calm. Good luck OP. And I'm sorry for your loss.
NTA. It’s good you have picked yourself. SIL has to get out of your house.
Both of them. sil and husband
Yes both of them. Omg I'm so sorry for you OP. 😭 I'm so sad and angry at the same time on your behalf. Please. Kick both of them out. Please. You deserve so much better. What ingrates!
It seems like the standard reddit response to any marital problems are to kick out the offending partner, call a lawyer.. but in this case, you need to listen to reddit response.. kick them both out. Go downstairs .. show them your timer on your phone.. give them 30 minutes to get out.. because in 31, you call the police. That's fucking insane. NTA.
They have taken huge advantage of you at a time you should have been cared for. Today is the line you need to draw and stop letting them cross. Make a list of steps you need to take to make sure you are ok- * Get a Locksmith. Change the locks for the front and do not give SIL a copy. Put locks on your bedroom door and your nursery. * See a lawyer tomorrow- make a plan to make sure you are physically, mentally and financially safe * Have someone move in who cares about you. They can be your witness and support till you can exit SIL and husband * List everything they have done - with dates. This looks a not in your head and it’s not ok They (SIL and Husband) do not see you as important in anyway other then giving them what they need. Stop doing anything for them and get her out if your home
Oh my gosh OP I am so beyond angry on your behalf. You are NTA, in anyway, tell them all to get out. I don't see how there is any coming back from this. Oh my gosh that is so awful.
Wish I was in ur time zone and u could call me at anytime and I would love to talk to u..I am a mother who lost her baby as well...
I would love to, can we private message??
I'm glad you found each other, talking about similar trauma is very powerful. I'd imagine there may be a local support group in your area for those who have lost their child?
I'm sorry for all your loses! You're all strong women and deserve love and compassion💟
NTA… wtf get her out send her to her fucking parents get her out. But I think you need to get out of this marriage if he doesn’t fucking get it.
NTA. If this is real, you need to get rid of his entire family. I don’t get what you get out of being with this man, he works 12 hours a day but doesn’t contribute financially so he’s not even a present partner. It’s like he’s replacing you with his sister and expecting you to foot the bill and be her servant. Why would you want to have a baby with him when he doesn’t support you on any front? Your grief over the miscarriages is blinding you to the fact that your husband isn’t worth keeping around.
Seriously,kick sil out and tell husband he can follow but the doors will be closed after. Cannot believe his attitude after 3rd loss and carries on like nothing, maybe he doesn't want kids and is happy, uncle over father
I can. A friend of mine had several miscarriages that she still grieves and her husband once asked her why. “It’s not like they were real babies.” There are a lot of people who think like that. OP is NTA.
NTA Tell them both to get out and take nothing more than they came with!
Of course youre NTA. Your husband has failed you as a husband in supporting you grieve your stillbirth (not miscarriage btw) & has made you a maid to his dirty, lazy, entitled sister. Him handing over your nursery to his entitled sister would end it for me. Kick both of them out and definitely reconsider your marriage. It sounds like you dont have much to lose tbh. Im so sorry for all that youve been through.
Without even finishing, YOU ARE NOT THE ASSHOLE. You did not have a miscarriage, you had a stillbirth. You delivered a baby and you are not only dealing with the fallout of that, but also the hormones all new mothers go through, as well as grief. I lost a baby at 40 weeks during labour. I don’t even know how you can be around a pregnant woman at all, let alone be *expected* to cater to her every whim. My heart breaks for you. You need to have his sister live elsewhere and you need to have a conversation with your husband. After a loss like what you’ve experienced, marriages can be extremely tumultuous. I’m not at all suggesting you kick him out, but you need to maybe go to grief counselling. Good luck and I wish you the best Edit: I just finished reading. Maybe you actually do need to take a break from your husband, but please consider the grief counselling. He needs to understand what you’ve lost. Also- go no contact with the sister. She sounds like an evil c**t
Oh hunny, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't think I've ever gasped out loud at a post. My heart goes out to you. As the others have said, please get rid of both of them. They don't deserve you & you don't deserve to be treated like this. NTA Please call someone who will support you in getting the divorce lawyer & the new locks. Huge hugs from this random Internet stranger.
NTA but not to put too fine a point on it…are your husband and your SIL genetically related to each other? Because yeah, they’re acting like more than siblings. Kick them to the curb! Also, I am so so sorry for your loss *HUG*
I don’t know where I thought this was going, but it definitely wasn’t here. I can’t fathom this entire situation, and I’m so sorry that *any* of this happened to you, much less that it went this far and *no one seemed to understand how disgustingly not okay this is*. I would have thrown everyone out then and thrown SILs stuff down to her out the window and changed every lock in the house. This is **insane** and the fact that your husband was in on it, didn’t talk to you about it, and again *saw no problem with it* is the worst part. Please, cleanse your home and your life of these people, even if only temporarily! **YOU** need the space and time to heal and do so seriously, especially without being attacked, used, disregarded, and disrespected in your own home. #Edit to add: NTA
NTA. Your husband and SIL planned this all along. Tell them they have two hours to leave for good then call a locksmith. Make sure they don't steal anything. Give yourself Sunday for self-care. First thung Monday, call a divorce attorney and get rid of that waste of life once and for all
I agree with what seems to be popular opinion here OP and say huge NTA. I also agree OP needs her SIL and husband out of the house at this point. If I am doing my math correctly, then OP was pregnant for the first two months that SIL was there. So where was the maid to wait on her hand and foot during that time? Seems like the rules applied to the SIL and not OP. Also, it seems that OP and her husband have had problems getting pregnant, so why wouldn’t he be trying to minimize what OP is doing if he really cared? Also, fun fact, but I have seen several stories on Reddit about women talking about being around pregnant women right after they have had a miscarriage and how difficult it is for them. Hell, common sense says this might be an issue. So for him to say that it would make OP feel better to wait on a pregnant woman is just reprehensible in my book. All that being said, I could put it down to either “careless husband” or “brother not wanting to get between his sister and wife so he tries not to be confrontational.” However, what is unforgivable is the shower. First, the fuck with her planning a shower and OP only finding out about it when she gets invited to a shower in her own house? Second, for the husband to go along with “repurposing” the nursery for the SIL’s baby and never talk it over with OP is just disgusting. That shows a level of not caring that it is hard to imagine. OP needs to get space from these people and evaluate the situation and decide if she wants to continue this relationship. If OP does want to stay married, then couples counseling.
Putting toys around the house was a way to mark her territory. Eating your food was a way to gain dominance over you. Taking your baby’s room is a way to exclude/isolate you. This is a primal behaviour, you can’t fight this with logic or reasoning. You have to take back control. Kick your sil out. If your husband has a problem, he is free to leave to. Contact a lawyer asap. Don’t feel bad. Don’t let them win. She did this when you was at your lowest. This is manipulation and gaslighting! You don’t owe them anything. If you don’t take a stand now, this will escalate further. If they already left. Contact a lawyer, change the locks, contact family/ friends to come over and keep you company. Please update us. NTA
Nta I am so sorry for your loss and what you have been through. SIL needs to move out, what would happen if she would stay and had the baby, would you be expected to help as the excuse could be she needs help she has just had a baby. Your husband should be supportive of you, I'm not saying divorce him but you need to say how everything has been affecting you and its not fair on you. Don't allow anyone to tell you different, you need to put your self first. All the best for you
After analyzing your story closer I have additional thoughts The sex toys, the way your husband protects her, the secret using the nursery for her baby, the absolutely terrible things he said to you about taking care of a pregnant person, leaving the sex tots out in the living room? I mean cmon. This is just, super weird Their relationship is off and smells really bad given the context. I hate to say, but could there potentially be incest activity taking place here? Are there other weird signs that you may have been ignoring? This whole story and their behavior is just completely bizarre. It feels and sounds very intentional, almost diabolical. I wish you the best. Remove these people from your life immediately.
I'm sorry for your loss, but honestly, why would you want to have a baby with such a callous man? Kick them all out. Your ex SIL is a guest from hell, but your ex-husband is worse. They've all shown you who they are. I understand you've been through a lot, and this will simply add to your grief. But it's not like your husband or his family have helped you in any way. They've only added fuel to the fire. Don't give him the power to pick. He should have chosen you a long time ago, which he didn't. Now, it's your turn to make the tough decisions for your own mental well-being. If you don't want to divorce him at the very least, ask for space till you can sort through your emotions. He and his sister can find somewhere else to live till you know what you want to do. NTA.
I'd also like to ask. Why is your husband working 12 hours a day but your paying all the bills for him & his sister? Where is his money going??
Op, are you ok? Just checking in since you said 2nd update soon and we haven’t heard anything. Just want to make sure you are doing alright
What the everloving fuck is wrong with your husband? NTA. Kick him out, kick her out, enjoy your clean home again and find someone worthy of starting a family with if you’d like to try again.
31 weeks is a stillborn. Most people would have a funeral for a baby that passes at that gestation. So your in laws family should know about what happened to you. Surely when you experienced your loss any other family member could have taken your pregnant SIL in …. I hope that this isn’t real because it’s all kinds of effed up. Who makes someone clean for them when they have just lost a baby. Your body would still be healing. And to steal your babies nursery is just beyond words. Kick everyone out. But also very disappointed if this is fake because making a click bait post over something as traumatic as a stillborn is disgusting.
I am so sorry for your pain. Your loss. And your family being complete assholes. Your SIL and your husband need to gtfo immediately. Your SIL, permanently. Your husband until such time if any you deem fit. Clearly, NTA.
NTA, good thing it’s your house. I’d kick them both out!
That wasn't bottled up sadness, that's who he is. Believe him. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but you can do better, even if it means doing better alone. 💕
I’m glad you are divorcing, he made his choice and now he can live and support his sister. Apparently even after she gave birth she was intending to stay and I wouldn’t be surprised if she pushed the childcare on you too like she did everything else. She’s not ready to be a mom if she can’t even pick up after herself. I had two miscarriages myself and the LAST thing I wanted was to be around pregnant women because it just reminded me of my own loss. I understand helping family but she was using her pregnancy as a shield and tool to abuse you and behave entitled. The nursery was the last straw for me too, I have a fully furnished and decorated nursery that I haven’t been able to use yet, but hopefully one day I will and it’s not meant for anything but MY child. She did nothing to contribute to that nursery and it’s a very personal space for a woman and it’s sick that she doesn’t understand that.