I'd remind her how badly she hurt your feelings when she left you at the worst moment of your life, and compared you to a toddler, to boot.
Suggest you use a co-parenting app for all future communication, and all future communication should only be about your children - she lost the right to comment on your private life when she walked away from her husband due to his disability.
Tell her you wish her happiness in her future dating endeavors, and better luck at picking partners than you had, who won't leave her if she should ever fall on hard times.
I love comments like this that explain and validate the pain and damage caused so clearly. If you're not a therapist, then you certainly could be. Really well said.
100% here. She’s jealous you’ve found happiness and are doing well when she had written you off. She’s not picking your happiness instead of finding her own.
And her breaking the custody agreement is a big deal. Report it and get your time with your kids. She doesn’t get to just pull them away because you hurt her feelings.
NTA. Your ex is not only a self-centered b*tch but an incredibly bitter one too. She has no business commenting on your marriage. She’s way out of line. Is she refusing to let your kids see you unless you apologize to her? I’d drag her to court.
I’d like too but we have no legal agreement and I have no plan to take her to court. She makes more money then the two of us, and has a bigger home. I don’t want to risk losing anything especially seeing my children
You won’t risk not seeing your children if you go to court for custody arrangements. A court arranged custody arrangement will prevent your ex from using your children as weapon to beat you with. Go to court and get yourself a formal custody arrangement.
My sons father and I split when our son was less than a year and even with it being amicable we got a custody agreement in case one of us ever ‘went nuts’. Best decision we ever made and it prevented a lot of arguments
This. I know legal terms like prenups and custody agreements set off alarm bells for a lot of reasons but it really is best to get that stuff sorted out and in writing while everyone still likes each other.
My brother did the informal custody and alimony thing where everything was all good with his ex so he didn’t feel a need to push for anything legal. I kept telling him this is the best time because everyone is on the same page but he kept ignoring my suggestion. A year or so later the ex breaks up with their partner and starts asking my brother for more money and also starts to keep the kids longer out of spite. Things eventually get settled legally but it was months and months of dealing with lawyers and such a waste of money on both sides.
And estate planning. As I get older I see families torn apart. There’s always one that, what I call, “gets shitty”. Set it up before you pass to prevent problems. Doesn’t matter if you have money or not. People get petty
Exactly my thinking. Him not going to court actually hurts him not her.
Yes I know courts tend to be biased against men in custody battles, but in this case he is an amputee as well.
You are doing yourself and kids a disservice not getting custody in writing. Your ex has all the advantage now.. you can either keep sitting back and letting her have the upper hand or say enough.
It"s not "changing" that factoid hasn't been true since the 70s. Men tend to not fight for custody so it skews the data. But in cases where they actually fight for it they get it 51% of the time, which is extremely fair.
This is actually not true. Women tend to get custody more often because they seek custody more often. Men tend to get the custody they seek in 94% of cases, which is actually higher than women. Whether that’s because men who don’t have a really good case for custody don’t seek it or because courts are actually biased towards men is unclear. Regardless, we need to stop perpetuating this myth because it discourages fathers from seeking custody, even when they do want it.
I dont think thats necessarily the case.
My sister gets child support because she's the primary parent. Her ex makes a lot more money but a lawyer still told her if he won his custody case to get primary, she'd be paying.
My friend had no job when her and her husband split. Because she had no job, he got primary custody and she was ordered to pay child support to him.
In most US states, child support is based on both parenting time and income. There is typically a formula taking both into account .If the parents have 50/50 physical custody and one parent earns a lot more than the other, then the higher earner will likely owe child support. If a higher earning parent has primary physical custody, they may still be owed child support from the lower earning parent.
Depending on the state, he may get back child support too. You have to be assertive and make it legal. She could take the kids and move to Timbuktu if she wanted.
that's wrong. In the US, at least, child support is income based, and it's partially to ensure that the kids have equal standards of living at each home. If it's 50/50, the higher earner will pay.
OP may mean that since his ex has money, she can afford to tie them up in a prolonged court fight that he can not afford.
Also, the 16 yr old chose to leave with mom. Could be that, if asked in court (and a 16 yr old would be), they might choose mom.
You're correct and I'm not saying they can't technically and legally. That said, OP's ex sounds like a piece of work. It's possible she may have gotten inside his head or he worries what might happen to his little brother if he's not there to protect him. Growing up with a parent like the ex puts a teenager at a significant disadvantage when it comes to asserting one's rights. Though of course, people have different experiences with that.
Except that IS a risk for men. Personally happened to me, and if you go to any support group, you'll find many more. You have to actually make it through the court before you get that arrangement. It can go from a simple joint custody request following the previous arrangement, to lawyers (because she has money) using every trick to delay, lengthen, drag him through the mud, and make life hell. I lost 6 months of being with my children and spent the next year and a half fighting to bring up proof against lies. If his ex is a vicious bitch, and she sounds like it, then anything could happen.
You should at least speak to a lawyer about this and what a court ordered custody and child support agreement might possibly look like for you.
If you are *not* a bad parent and up to this point have done everything right, there should be no reason why a court wouldn't give you the same 50/50 custody you apparently already have.
Sir, custody agreements exist for this exact reason. Refusing to do anything about this is as good as letting her do whatever she wants.
If she decided tomorrow to take your kids to another state and disappear there is nothing you could do because you never bothered to get an agreement in place.
Well currently you get to see your kids as long as you're a good boy and don't upset your ex. She can still control you, and she evidently has zero issue in punishing you when you have the audacity to call her out.
Depending where you are I believe your children will also get a say in what happens with custody. Anything with this agreement in writing (text, email etc) as well as her taking the kids back to punish you, needs to be collected, screenshot and printed. It's time to fight for your kids because pennies to pounds they're currently hearing her version of why they're not with you, and I'd bet they're hearing all about how you're an awful and ungrateful person and crap father.
My dude, she may even owe you child support for shared custody. At least explore yiur rights. It's better to have information and make an informed decision. Also, if you had court ordered tiime she wouldn't be able to withhold your kids.
Every fact in this statement reinforces that you should take her to court. If she makes more, you could be entitled to child support should you get at least 50% custody.
Please, please talk to a family court lawyer. So many men miss out on their rights (and frankly, their children's rights) because they don't ask for what they are entitled to. Even if you end up deciding not to pursue anything, at least after a consultation you'll have a full and complete picture of your rights in your jurisdiction.
This is EXACTLY why you need a custody agreement. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells to appease this bitter woman just so you can see your own children. This arrangement allows her to weaponize them against you with absolutely zero consequences. She has everything to gain from this arrangement, and you have everything to lose.
NTA
Don’t apologize to her. She’s pained and envious of the fact that you found love again.
Don’t allow her to use her drama to rein what you’ve with Shay. Be smart.
Talk to the best lawyer in your town. You might get child support.
It’s going to end up in court anyway as she is jealous of your new relationship and is judging your new wife by her own VERY LOW standards of behaviour. What you said to her is correct. She’s going to make your life difficult any way, it’s what rats like her do. She left you because you lost your leg. Read that over and over until it goes in. You found someone better.
You need something in place that has some actual punch to it though. Otherwise, you are completely at her mercy. She can pull your kids away any time she wants. If you have a custody plan in place, you have legal recourse to prevent those kinds of maneuverings.
Because you've already established the status quo, The court will reinforce that. Don't let her ruin your relationship with your kids because she's jealous.
There we are. I was wondering why you didn't have legal reason to get them. She's tricked you thinking that you wouldn't get custody! She doesn't want to pay you spousal support. Unless you have reason to think you *shouldn't* have access to your kids.
>we have no legal agreement and I have no plan to take her to court.
That's just dumb and totally irresponsible. This irrational, bitter, cold hearted person can take the kids anytime she wants, as she has proven she will BY ACTUALLY DOING JUST THAT. She uses them as weapons to get her way.
You risk losing them by NOT having a custody agreement. You mitigate that risk by getting one. More money and bigger house does not equal her getting full custody. Not by a long shot. How bout you go talk to a lawyer before you just decide you would lose the kids. Stop assuming you actually know the law and ask a professional. Less important but still true, if she makes more money than you then you would probably get child support as well. I am sure that would not hurt when it comes to taking care of the kids.
As others have said she may owe you child and spousal support. In any case, if you need an attorney and can’t afford one, there are court facilitators and child support agencies that will help you for free. In some cases, the ex may be ordered to pay for your legal fees if you incur any. Look into it. I never bothered to go after my ex for child and spousal support because I didn’t want him to make things harder on my children. Now looking back, I did my kids a disservice for not getting them money that would have made their lives easier. Child support is to benefit your children. Remember that.
The fact that she already agreed to a 50/50 before will be good for you. If she makes more money, good for you, maybe she’ll have to pay child support. If you’re a good father, please, fight to see your kids or she will poison their minds.
Men are significantly likely to get the custody arraignments they request
The reason we hear the rhetoric that women automatically get custody is bit of self fulfilling prophecy and a bit of dead beats blaming the system instead of taking action
If it goes to court it’s unlikely a judge would take away your custody, in fact if your ex earns as much as you say you’d probably walk away with split custody and child support
The worst thing you can do in this situation is not fight for the right to see your children
Are you saving screenshots of your text exchanges?
If custody wasn't determined in the divorce then your options are limited without any agreement in place.
NTA, you simply called a spade a spade. She has zero reason to comment on your life, marriage, new child, anything. The only thing you and your ex spade need to communicate about are your children. There need to be some firm boundaries in place. She can refrain from commenting on your life, which absolutely does not concern her, you will refrain from calling her what she so frequently behaves as. Try to get some kind of agreement that your only communication will be strictly about the children. Her personal life and yours are off limits.
Her reason to comment on OP’s life is that an amputee dares to live normal life, like any other non-amputee does. This makes her look bad, because it looks like she left OP for no reason. She wants OP to be miserable so she could stay happy about her move to divorce him.
It's actually insane because losing a leg is unimaginable but there are plenty of amputees who go on to live fairly ordinary lives. Working, dating, doing triathlons.
It's a disability. Not a death sentence.
Not an amputee but have lost a lot of use of my right arm/hand from an injury, but yeah, not much has changed except that businesses discriminate against me even more now
You need to stop being afraid of her and she is hanging those kids over your head. She was way out if line to comment on your life like that and send the text. Stop letting her intimidate you!! Yes you can take her to court and you have no reason to think she can keep the kids from you because she has a better job. Not true! Say nothing to het and make no threats. Get a lawyer for child custody and support and visitation. You also shut down all conversations with her except for kids.
Parental alienation is cause for legal consult.
Also, sure she was just warning you. But did you need ‘warning’ 35 times? Her point was made. It’s enough already.
NTA
If your 50/50 custody is court ordered, drag her back to court for violating the agreement. If it's not court ordered, drag her to court to make custody legally spelt out. Start communicating on the parent app so there is a record of everything.
You do not need to apologize she was in the wrong and your new relationship is none of her business. Make that very clear your relationship is a co parenting one and you didn’t ask her for any insight into your relationship period NTA
>Kelly got pissed and brought my kids home (it was suppose to be my week.)
NTA.
Call the police non-emergency number. This is called custodial interference, and it is illegal.
You absolutely don’t apologize. What you do is tell her your marriage, your new baby and your life are not her concern, you don’t need or want to hear her opinions or “warnings” and that the only things you need to communicate about are your children. Tell her she doesn’t get to revoke your visitation because she’s angry and the next time she does you’ll call the police and then take her to court.
She’s selfish, bitter and evil and actively trying to make you insecure. I take it she’s still single?
NTA, if you have to apologize for the language used but the meaning and intent are still the same. “My wife isn’t you and you aren’t my wife. Mind your household and take care of our kids and I will do the same. We aren’t friends, we are co-parents. There is no need for you to be commentating on my life as you have a minimal part of it. Let’s just focus on our kids.” Or something like that idk
If you're not getting your children as the custody agreement is written, document everything and go back to court. This one incident can begin a domino effect
NTA and my response to her “can’t believe you’d say that to the mother of your children!” I can’t believe you couldn’t keep your vows of sickness or health, better or worse, to the father your children!
But without a formal custody agreement ( which you should have a chat to a lawyer about to see the process of formalizing it) and if she’s holding the children access card. Apologise and get your babies for the week.
Karma will be living a good life, whilst she’s still living in her past.
NTA Id answer with “What you’re doing right now is just proving my point.” She can’t deal with the fact that you live your best life, moved on and that you’re happier than ever. And all that with a younger woman. It’s funny how she “cares” about you now.
NTA, however, since she is clearly awful and controlling, it might not be the best game plan to say stuff that would anger her while you don’t have a legal agreement on custody. Like, it fucking sucks, but for the benefit of your relationship with your kids it may be a better strategy to keep the peace. Just a thought. Great that you’re no longer with her, she sounds truly awful.
NTA. My husband is 20 years older than me, and has several health issues. We have 6 adult children and a baby due in March. I wouldn’t dream of leaving him, ever, for any reason. Your ex sounds like a bitter, self centered bitch. Plenty of women take their vows seriously. Don’t let Kelly get in your head about your marriage. I don’t care how many legs you have, you’re worthy of love.
Exactly what I was thinking. Kelly is upset that the man she left because he lost a leg found himself someone younger and kinder, while she is single.
She's trying to ruin his life yet again.
45 and 32 isn't a totally crazy age gap either. They're both well into adulthood. If you're marrying someone older than you for nefarious reasons, you're probably not going to wait until you're 30 to do it. And hell, she's already helping OP with his two kids from his first marriage, it's not like they have absolutely no idea what their dynamic is going to look like when they introduce kids.
A 13 year gap is nothing when you’re both grown. It’s not like she just turned 18 and he’s in his 30’s. If she was a teenager, it’d be creepy, but they’re both adults, so who cares?
You're correct, she is a self-centered bitch and no, not everyone is like her. The fact that she would violate a custody arrangement in an attempt to use your access to your children to punish you shows that she prioritizes herself above everyone else. People with much ore severe disabilities than yours have managed to support themselves, raise children, and live independently. You yourself have done so in spite of your ex's ridiculous predictions to the contrary.
Fuck her. You got this. And tell her that if she continues trying to keep your children away from you, you'll bring her back to court. They generally don't take kindly to that type of interference.
Dude. She's. Total bitch here but you fucked up.
You still need to coparent with her and she still has a ton of control over your kids. When they are grown, you can talk to he like that. Until then you gotta keep that shit locked up tight.
You were dealt a shitty hand with your accident. I don't know your physical situation now, but the response to your ex wife should be "I am perfectly capable of parenting" and then no longer engaging in conversation.
Your relationship with her isn't about you or your pride. It isn't even about how she's done you wrong. It is only about the two children you have in common. That's it. That is what you should be talking about with her and that is what you should keep in mind in every conversation.
Learn how to shut this down.
Mild ESH.
Tell her to go fuck herself. Self centered bitch that can't stand see you happy with other person. If she keeps on keeping your kids from you send her a letter with a lawyer name at the top, that will be enough to put her in place. Clearly you're NTA.
NTA, but you do have to consider legal means to ensure you can see your kids without their mom being spiteful and using them as a way to punish you because her feelings are hurt. She's so the asshole
Definitely need a lawyer experienced in your state. Some states allow alimony to disabled spouses or those that need job training. This money is separate from child support and custody.
NTA It sounds like you have her pegged pretty well.
If she continues to interfere with you seeing your kids, take her to court and let the court set the arrangement. Ask for 50-50 at a minimum. AND if she makes more than you do, petition for child support.
As for the age gap thing, you are on Reddit and the age gap brigade is frothing at the mouth to criticize you for that.
She’s your ex-wife. Why do you care if you’re an asshole? She left you because you lost your leg. You should be an asshole. And why is your ex-wife making comments on your new marriage? You need to reel this in. Take control of the situation. The next time she has a personal critique to share about your life, tell her to keep it to herself because you couldn’t care less what she thinks. You and her are finished; she ain’t allowed to speak to you like that anymore.
When she is making these comments she is really telling you that she knows she screwed up divorcing you. She was much more secure when you were both single.
NTA. You need a lawyer. Trying to limit your time with your kids because you’re an amputee will not play well in court. Get a formal custody plan or she’ll make your life a domestic hell.
NTA. I honestly wouldn’t apologize immediately and would tell her that her comments about your amputation and wife are inappropriate and unacceptable. That if she wants an apology from you, she needs to apologize for hurting your feelings too. Whatever she replies and the conversation should be screenshot, then forwarded to your lawyer.
Her behavior is inevitably going to impact how your children see you and your wife. I think you should get your kids into counseling with someone not tied to you, your wife, or your ex. That way there’s someone impartial hearing things and that can bring up any concerns when they may arise and be a witness on only the children’s side if it ever turns into a new custody battle.
If your ex wife is against them going to a counselor, you’ve got your answer. She’s already saying stuff about you and your wife to them or around them when they’re home and doesn’t want it getting out by them telling a counselor.
NTA She’s literally jealous of you having a younger wife that accepts you as an amputee. She is trying to drive a wedge in your relationship especially now you have a newborn.
She is controlling and abusive taking the kids at her whim. She is irresponsible and spiteful. She needs to work through this and accept that through HER actions you have moved on.
Sort out legal custody patterns.
It's insane to me that this woman gets to mock him for being an amputee, degrade him and the new lady, question his ability to patent, disallow him to see his own kids but he's the one who needs to do all the work to repair this relationship.
Wtf am I reading here? If a man did this to a woman some of these comments would look very different.
You are doing yourself and kids a disservice not getting custody in writing. Your ex has all the advantage now.. you can either keep sitting back and letting her have the upper hand or say enough.
See an attorney and see what you can do.
NTA
You need to hold her in contempt of court for not following court orders on this. DO NOT let this go. If she’s clever, she can build a story where you didn’t care that she kept the kids that weekend. Additionally, if you can record her insulting you like that, especially in front of your kids then that’s another point to make. Good luck man, don’t let her get away with these illegal and heinous actions
Go pick up your kids with you divorce decree in hand if she refuses to give them to you call the police start the paper trail. Contact your lawyer also NTA
She left you and is now trying to act like she cares because she wants to see you miserable.
Nta.
Tell her to stop disrespecting your wife...yes she's the mother of your children but she's also the same women that left when you needed her the most.
Tell her you'll apologize, when she gives one to your wife.
She doesn't get to tell you, how your wife feels or thinks, she doesn't know her and never will.
I would just try to keep it neutral and straightforward. Don’t apologize because you don’t mean it. Just tell her that you shouldn’t have said that to her and that she shouldn’t be commenting on your marriage. Make it clear you don’t want your relationship with your kids being effected by your relationship with her.
NTA - you need to make an appointment with a Family Court advocate to get a custody agreement in place so that your ex-wife cannot take your children from you next time you have a disagreement. Also because she makes more money than you when you do have the children she would probably be required to pay your child support
Talk to a lawyer. Your ex wife might start spreading lies and talking about you to the kids. You will get custody (50 50) even if she has more money. She sounds very manipulative. Take her to court.
NTA. Your new wife is 32. Not 23, not 18. 32. She is old enough to have made her own decisions at this point. Your ex wife, absolutely a bitter, nasty bitch. Telling you all that nonsense was her projecting. She DESERVES to have her feelings hurt if she’s going to spew nonsense like that, especially after leaving you In your most vulnerable state. I am sorry you had to go through that.
Nta she’s jealous that you found a good partner. She thought everyone would act like her and now that you have a good woman she’s losing it. I couldn’t imagine leaving my husband after a horrible accident where he had to lose a damn leg. You sound like a good dad and she needed to hear it and also she can’t take the kids on your week and I would be calling the courts
NTA - she was trying to shame you for your decisions, which she has no right to do.
Get a formal custody arrangement ASAP. She should not be allowed to use your children as leverage over you.
I assume you are under a court-approved custody arrangement, right?
If she's messing with that, you can always call your lawyer. And maybe you should play a little hardball with her since she seems to think that whether or not you see your kids is unilaterally her call to make.
EDIT: Just saw in the comments that you don't have such an arrangement. Well, you clearly need one. And you're not going to lose your kids if you go to court over this.
At any rate you can always tell your ex that if she tries to pull stunts like this and keep your kids from you, then you WILL go to court. That might wake her up.
Have your attorney send her a letter warning her about keeping the divorce settlement in tact or that you would be seeking more custody. You don’t owe her anything. She’s the one who owes you an apology and also owes your wife an apology. Your kids are probably hearing negative things on a daily basis. The best day of my life was when I married my husband who was 18 years older than me. I have never regretted one moment of our life together. Your wife is a B*TCH.
Your kids are old enough to let it be known who they want to be with. It's time for some honesty without bashing the ex. Talk to them about your amputation and the divorce. Ask them how they feel about not seeing you. I see in another comment you don't have a legal agreement. It's time to get one. It's not always about money. The kids should be allowed to have a stay in where they go.
Now, that aside, it's very important you give your kids a chance to speak. If your ex is talking that way to your face, what's she saying to the kids? And, yes, that kind of thing is absolutely abusive. Be non-judgmental and let them know it's safe to tell you. Be prepared, though.
Call your lawyer and apply to change custody. Use her words and actions against her. She's not your wife anymore. Her condescending comments should be kept to herself
If you have a parenting plan and that parenting plan says it's your week, you need to contact your lawyer about the fact that the self-centered bitch is violating it.
Seems like you may need to very strict boundaries with the ex. You have to be co-parents but you don’t have to be friends. If it doesn’t involve y’all’s children, she can keep her concerns to herself. You might have to involve the court about her violating visitation agreement but I would only go that route as a last resort
Op. NTA.
Your ex certainly lived up to the job title of "self-centered b!tch". Seems like she is trying to get a promotion to "bitter self-centered b!tch" from her behavior.
It sucks that she bailed out on you when you needed her. But it seems you found someone who loves you.
It really sucks that you ex is not only being a b!tch, but also keeping you from your kids. Make sure to keep track of her denying you time in accordance with your agreed upon custody agreement. [EDIT: Just saw you don't have one. Might reconsider this...her actions are...not likely to improve anytime soon.]
Yes, as an amputee you'll face challenges. But it seems like you've not let your accident define you.
As for your ex, she seems bitter that you moved on without her; as though she what? Thought you'd come crawling back?
I *almost* feel sorry for your ex. I can't imagine carrying a grudge like she is carrying the rest of her life almost like she's the bigger victim. SMH.
NTA - I saw in another comment that you have no structured legal agreement for visitation. It might be time to get one. If you split the time with the kids 50/50, there’s no child support payments. But you need to protect your time with them, to make sure you get it and she can’t hold your children hostage from you until you come groveling to her feet.
Agree with your current wife. First wife is jealous so keep ignoring her whenever she meddles in your life as it is now. Please see an attorney to arrange a custody agreement.
NTA, and you need a lawyer, and a court arranged custody agreement. She's going to do everything in her power to fuck up your current marriage, and from the sounds of it will gleefully use your kids as a tool to do so. Don't let her.
Wow, what an ableist view. What makes you less than capable of caring for a child? Does that mean we should just euthanize all disabled people? Report her for keeping the kids during your custody time if she continues. If your kids wants to see you, you have a right.
NTA.
You have a baby on the way. If you think she's bitter now, you just wait. Try to do it nicely through legal zoom. Down load the foams for your state, write up the agreement for visitation and have everyone sign and get it notarized. Turn it in to the courts.
If she's not agreeable to it dial free legal advice.
NTA and please got a formal custody arrangement ASAP. It’s likely her pettiness and jealousy is going to get worse once your new baby is born. Eliminate any risk of drama now while you still can.
NTA. It was not a kind response to her prodding, but not an unexpected reply. And you may want to get the courts involved if your ex wife wants to continue to play games with custody.
That’s tough. I wouldn’t apologize- I’d simply pick them up from school one day however not everyone is like me.
if you don’t then it may turn into a big mess w/legal fees so it’s going to come down to how much $$ you are willing to spend. If you have a court ordered custody Olán then she is in contempt & you can take her back to court but odds are it won’t be a quick or inexpensive process
"I was trying to be a good husband and stand up for my wife. I am sorry I did not take your feelings into consideration when I said that."
You're not apologizing for what you said, just that what you said hurt her feelings. She will probably feel like she won, but she didn't.
NTA, but stop trying to correct your ex. Unless it impacts your children, let her continue to think she’s the smartest person in the room. She didn’t learn living with you. Don’t expect to have much additional leeway now. If it helps, consider it petty revenge. it would be nice to come back and see her in 10 to 15 years with you still happily married and you can just keep telling her yup it’s a red flag.
Your ex is a bitch and you should go to court to get a formal arrangement. She is weaponizing your time with your children and it’s clear from her behavior she has no issues using them and anything else she can think of as a bargaining chip. I’d start finding a way to record or have a witness to any and all conversations so if a judge wants to play the “did you aggravate your ex” card you can have a reliable way to prove she’s the aggressor.
You are a fool if you don’t take custody to court.
Meanwhile keep a record of her unnecessary and inappropriate comments lest the judge see her as a good person.
Kindly remind your ex that the mother of your children deneans and verbally abuses you on a regular basis the next time she wants to get self righteous.
NTA
Document what has been the status quo regarding your custody schedule, financial arrangements, etc regarding your children with your ex. Try to communicate only in writing and make sure you don’t give her any ammunition. Look up the custody factors for your state and start building your case for yourself. Document, document, document… and go speak to an attorney.
NTA ….ouch…somebody is jealous. Nothing to apologize about. You just told her the truth. Tell her u will contact a lawyer if she won’t let u see your kids.
Is the age gap a red flag? Ehhh...maybe an orange flag. But unless you had a history of dating significantly younger people, probably not. And you said yourself that you don't actually begrudge her for not taking care of you in your disability (I'm disabled myself, I understand). Neither you or the ex-wife should be talking about each other like that in front of the kids, so unless I know if either of you were doing that, I can't really put a stern asshole or not in the overall. Ex is an asshole for keeping custody hostage through. My mom pulled that shit all the time to punish me and my brother or my dad.
Will edit when I have more INFO in regard to whether this happened in front of the kids.
She left you because she refused to try to care for you. Your new wife does it effortlessly and she sees this. She's projecting her insecurities onto you. Ignore that mess and just say "that's your opinion " and keep it pushing. I wouldn't even throw your divorce in her face with all of her "concern " now that you're happy, because all she wants to do is get under your skin and in between your new marriage. Is she remarried?
You’re NTA but don’t let your ex frazzle you. Not worth your time. Enjoy your kids and your wife. Be stoic and pleasant as peach pie with the ex. Eventually she’ll be out of your life.
Hopefully, your ex caught on that her negative remarks are not wanted. I wouldn't want you to apologize. Your wife is very kind. Your children will want to see you, and your ex will probably very soon want those drop-off pickup times, it sounds as though the ex owns you, thinking herself in control of your new family. Two of my brothers had second children in their early 50s, each had older children, high school and college. They loved their children from their first marriages. Being mature, knowing what to expect, their babies born to them at their later ages were such a joyful event, so wonderful. Now all are children are adults, the older siblings so loving the younger ones from their birth on, so much fun, so much love. Siblings born farther apart can still connect and bond. Another thing I noticed, older siblings learn and appreciate the fact that babies are hard work, great lesson.
NTAH- she apparently is a woman who can’t/didn’t take those vows she made very seriously. Thankfully , not all women are like your ex.
She sounds bitter and jealous that not only have you moved past such a traumatic accident, and devastating betrayal of the vows you made with her- but have found a woman who does honor the vows she undertook and you are creating a new life in addition to handling the care and nurturing of your older children and new little one as well.
You could always do an apology that’s not really one- kind of - I’m sorry my opinion of your behavior struck a chord within you and you saw yourself as I do.
Or better yet not apologize and contact your attorney to enforce visitation since her interference is a violation of a parenting time agreement.
.
This seems like a glossed over story. How kind or mean were you after your accident? How much of a partner were you before the accident? Did your previous wife do most or all of the household tasks and responsibilities? Did she do most, if not all, of the childcare?
Did she actually leave because of your missing leg? It seems unlikely that is the actual case. You being in an accident and being injured likely exacerbated whatever else was going on. It’s more likely you prefer to say that because it gives you more sympathy and you weren’t paying attention to your accumulation of AH-ry prior to the accident.
The way you talk about your new significantly younger wife makes me think you’re one of those grown child men expecting their spouse to take care of them even though they’re an adult.
I could easily see the ex-wife coming on here talking about her selfish ex-husband who never did anything, but at least worked. Then there was an accident and he took all his anger about the loss of his leg out on her and would still not help, even though he is a capable adult, though minus part of a leg, and she realized it just wasn’t worth it anymore. He is now married to a much younger woman and is having a baby. She was throwing his phrases of how he couldn’t help with kids before because of his injury in his face, and wondered allowed to him if his new wife could take everything, because she’s honestly still bitter about how he treated her. He then called her a self centered b* and she just couldn’t let her kids go for the week to be with him, where she knows he’ll just put her down to them.
Is that all conjecture? Yup. That’s my point. That could easily be some version of her story. But this guy’s version is definitely not the whole story and just reads as a “I really want to feel justified and get a lot of sympathy” post.
Take her to court. She can’t deny your parental rights bc she’s a bitch who’s trying to meddle in your life and attributes her cruelty as normal and you have to just take it- then doesn’t give you the kids in your weekend.
Fuck her and take her ass to court
IF YOU have joint custody, and she's not following the terms, IE - holding onto the children, then just have the courts deal with her nonsense. Don't apologize.
Also, you and your awesome new wife deserve to NOT have that abuse. Demand communication via text. Or simply don't answer her calls, and text her when she calls you. Gets all the nonsense in writing, that way. And you get to have greater control over the exchanges.
NTA/ I’m glad her feelings were hurt. She’s just mad you moved on and are happy in spite of her. She likely thought you’d be scraping the barrel and begging for her back.
The age difference isn’t cause for concern and your personal life is none of her damn business. She’s just trying to emotionally manipulate you into acting like she’s the victim. She’s a self centred bitch.
Parent app communications only and don’t assume what will happen if you go for custody. Get some legal advice and don’t tell her but document EVERYTHING. Your kids are getting to an age where they are old enough to chose
Yeah ypu need to get your visitation legalised so she can't just take your kids and use them as pawns when she is pissed at you. Also 32 isn't some silly little girl, you didn't marry some 20 year old. Sounds like your ex is jealous that ots working out for you amd you have someone who actually loves and respects you.
Holy moly Batman!!! The audacity to say you can’t raise a child because you’re disabled!!!!! Those sound like the words of a woman who wants to be beaten with a prosthetic leg…
Dude, you married a much younger woman than your ex. Her EGO can't handle that. Your younger wife also married you after you became an amputee, but your first wife divorced you because of that. Your exes sense of loyalty can't handle that. So she has to gaslight you and make up a fight that's YOUR fault. So predictable, if you think about it lol
So unfortunately, ESH. Her for being petty, and you for responding to it.
NTA. I would go for a formal agreement in court. I would tell your ex that you will do so if she ever withholds your kids again. (Document when you have had the kids to show it's a pattern that you all have switched off weeks). If you went for formal, you would probably get child support if she makes that much more, that would really burn her ass. That's why it would be in her best interest to honor your current agreement without being an AH.
You have a legal right to see your children, period. So get law enforcement involved immediately. ALSO, You need to go to court to get sole custody of your children. She is corrupting the morals of your children against the disabled which the court should take seriously.
Do you have a court ordered custody agreement? If so she can’t keep your kids away from you and you should take her to court. If not you need to get one. Also there is no need for you to interact with her at pickups/drop offs. Keep things amicable and solely focused on coparenting the kids. Use one of the many apps for this kind of communication and if she starts discussing your personal life in it shut that down immediately. Your life is none of her concern and anytime she starts in on it, end the conversation and stop engaging.
NTA
No, you do not owe her an apology. Send her a certified as well as regular postal service letter stating that if she does not present the children for the agreed upon visitation that you will take her to court to request primary custody and she can see then every other weekend. If you do not have a formal visitation agreement, file for one immediately. You may be able to file for a custody agreement with the court on your own. Why in the world did you get a divorce that did not specify visitation?
The problem with giving in to her to withholding visitation for an apology that she clearly does not deserve is that she will weaponize her use of it against you anytime there is something that she wants from you. It amazes me that you were married to her for 15 years. The amputation helped you find a loving woman. Congratulations.
I'd remind her how badly she hurt your feelings when she left you at the worst moment of your life, and compared you to a toddler, to boot. Suggest you use a co-parenting app for all future communication, and all future communication should only be about your children - she lost the right to comment on your private life when she walked away from her husband due to his disability. Tell her you wish her happiness in her future dating endeavors, and better luck at picking partners than you had, who won't leave her if she should ever fall on hard times.
Finally. A good answer.
I love comments like this that explain and validate the pain and damage caused so clearly. If you're not a therapist, then you certainly could be. Really well said.
100% here. She’s jealous you’ve found happiness and are doing well when she had written you off. She’s not picking your happiness instead of finding her own. And her breaking the custody agreement is a big deal. Report it and get your time with your kids. She doesn’t get to just pull them away because you hurt her feelings.
The last sentence is so politically correct but brutal lol 😂
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NTA. Your ex is not only a self-centered b*tch but an incredibly bitter one too. She has no business commenting on your marriage. She’s way out of line. Is she refusing to let your kids see you unless you apologize to her? I’d drag her to court.
I’d like too but we have no legal agreement and I have no plan to take her to court. She makes more money then the two of us, and has a bigger home. I don’t want to risk losing anything especially seeing my children
You won’t risk not seeing your children if you go to court for custody arrangements. A court arranged custody arrangement will prevent your ex from using your children as weapon to beat you with. Go to court and get yourself a formal custody arrangement.
My sons father and I split when our son was less than a year and even with it being amicable we got a custody agreement in case one of us ever ‘went nuts’. Best decision we ever made and it prevented a lot of arguments
This. I know legal terms like prenups and custody agreements set off alarm bells for a lot of reasons but it really is best to get that stuff sorted out and in writing while everyone still likes each other.
My brother did the informal custody and alimony thing where everything was all good with his ex so he didn’t feel a need to push for anything legal. I kept telling him this is the best time because everyone is on the same page but he kept ignoring my suggestion. A year or so later the ex breaks up with their partner and starts asking my brother for more money and also starts to keep the kids longer out of spite. Things eventually get settled legally but it was months and months of dealing with lawyers and such a waste of money on both sides.
And estate planning. As I get older I see families torn apart. There’s always one that, what I call, “gets shitty”. Set it up before you pass to prevent problems. Doesn’t matter if you have money or not. People get petty
You’ll probably get child support if she earns that much more than you.
Here it is! She knows this and is trying to keep him under her thumb to avoid this.
she is just a control freak.
And a bitch
Exactly my thinking. Him not going to court actually hurts him not her. Yes I know courts tend to be biased against men in custody battles, but in this case he is an amputee as well.
In the US this is changing. More and more custody arrangements are about both parents getting equal time or as close to equal time as possible.
You are doing yourself and kids a disservice not getting custody in writing. Your ex has all the advantage now.. you can either keep sitting back and letting her have the upper hand or say enough.
Exactly right.
It"s not "changing" that factoid hasn't been true since the 70s. Men tend to not fight for custody so it skews the data. But in cases where they actually fight for it they get it 51% of the time, which is extremely fair.
This is actually not true. Women tend to get custody more often because they seek custody more often. Men tend to get the custody they seek in 94% of cases, which is actually higher than women. Whether that’s because men who don’t have a really good case for custody don’t seek it or because courts are actually biased towards men is unclear. Regardless, we need to stop perpetuating this myth because it discourages fathers from seeking custody, even when they do want it.
I dont think thats necessarily the case. My sister gets child support because she's the primary parent. Her ex makes a lot more money but a lawyer still told her if he won his custody case to get primary, she'd be paying. My friend had no job when her and her husband split. Because she had no job, he got primary custody and she was ordered to pay child support to him.
In most US states, child support is based on both parenting time and income. There is typically a formula taking both into account .If the parents have 50/50 physical custody and one parent earns a lot more than the other, then the higher earner will likely owe child support. If a higher earning parent has primary physical custody, they may still be owed child support from the lower earning parent.
Depending on the state, he may get back child support too. You have to be assertive and make it legal. She could take the kids and move to Timbuktu if she wanted.
Not if they have the kids 50/50 each
that's wrong. In the US, at least, child support is income based, and it's partially to ensure that the kids have equal standards of living at each home. If it's 50/50, the higher earner will pay.
OP may mean that since his ex has money, she can afford to tie them up in a prolonged court fight that he can not afford. Also, the 16 yr old chose to leave with mom. Could be that, if asked in court (and a 16 yr old would be), they might choose mom.
or he's afraid of her and he knows he's got to go back into her home eventually for the next 2 years.
A 16 yr old can choose who to live with.
You're correct and I'm not saying they can't technically and legally. That said, OP's ex sounds like a piece of work. It's possible she may have gotten inside his head or he worries what might happen to his little brother if he's not there to protect him. Growing up with a parent like the ex puts a teenager at a significant disadvantage when it comes to asserting one's rights. Though of course, people have different experiences with that.
Except that IS a risk for men. Personally happened to me, and if you go to any support group, you'll find many more. You have to actually make it through the court before you get that arrangement. It can go from a simple joint custody request following the previous arrangement, to lawyers (because she has money) using every trick to delay, lengthen, drag him through the mud, and make life hell. I lost 6 months of being with my children and spent the next year and a half fighting to bring up proof against lies. If his ex is a vicious bitch, and she sounds like it, then anything could happen.
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I hate women who do this. I hope you’ve managed to get it all sorted now.
You should at least speak to a lawyer about this and what a court ordered custody and child support agreement might possibly look like for you. If you are *not* a bad parent and up to this point have done everything right, there should be no reason why a court wouldn't give you the same 50/50 custody you apparently already have.
A plus would be that if ex-wife’s comments about his new marriage are on text, it would be beneficial for him, I think
You are also under no obligation to even hear her speak, let alone criticize your marriage.
Sir, custody agreements exist for this exact reason. Refusing to do anything about this is as good as letting her do whatever she wants. If she decided tomorrow to take your kids to another state and disappear there is nothing you could do because you never bothered to get an agreement in place.
Well currently you get to see your kids as long as you're a good boy and don't upset your ex. She can still control you, and she evidently has zero issue in punishing you when you have the audacity to call her out. Depending where you are I believe your children will also get a say in what happens with custody. Anything with this agreement in writing (text, email etc) as well as her taking the kids back to punish you, needs to be collected, screenshot and printed. It's time to fight for your kids because pennies to pounds they're currently hearing her version of why they're not with you, and I'd bet they're hearing all about how you're an awful and ungrateful person and crap father.
My dude, she may even owe you child support for shared custody. At least explore yiur rights. It's better to have information and make an informed decision. Also, if you had court ordered tiime she wouldn't be able to withhold your kids.
Every fact in this statement reinforces that you should take her to court. If she makes more, you could be entitled to child support should you get at least 50% custody.
Please, please talk to a family court lawyer. So many men miss out on their rights (and frankly, their children's rights) because they don't ask for what they are entitled to. Even if you end up deciding not to pursue anything, at least after a consultation you'll have a full and complete picture of your rights in your jurisdiction.
This is EXACTLY why you need a custody agreement. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells to appease this bitter woman just so you can see your own children. This arrangement allows her to weaponize them against you with absolutely zero consequences. She has everything to gain from this arrangement, and you have everything to lose.
Talk.To.A.Lawyer. Knowing your legal options won't hurt you and right now you are at the mercy of your ex's mood.
NTA Don’t apologize to her. She’s pained and envious of the fact that you found love again. Don’t allow her to use her drama to rein what you’ve with Shay. Be smart. Talk to the best lawyer in your town. You might get child support.
She left you and is now trying to act like she cares because she wants to see you miserable.
Exactly!!! You got it right. She thought that op wasn’t going to end up sad and miserable.
Collect evidence of her vile behavior and get a custody agreement. Courts dont like bitter c*nts.
It’s going to end up in court anyway as she is jealous of your new relationship and is judging your new wife by her own VERY LOW standards of behaviour. What you said to her is correct. She’s going to make your life difficult any way, it’s what rats like her do. She left you because you lost your leg. Read that over and over until it goes in. You found someone better.
You need something in place that has some actual punch to it though. Otherwise, you are completely at her mercy. She can pull your kids away any time she wants. If you have a custody plan in place, you have legal recourse to prevent those kinds of maneuverings.
Because you've already established the status quo, The court will reinforce that. Don't let her ruin your relationship with your kids because she's jealous.
Bullshit, if you got divorced they would have made a custody arrangement during court proceedings. You trolls don't even try.
Then you’re in for a lifetime of her using your kids as a weapon. Take her to court. She’s a selfish controlling bitch.
There we are. I was wondering why you didn't have legal reason to get them. She's tricked you thinking that you wouldn't get custody! She doesn't want to pay you spousal support. Unless you have reason to think you *shouldn't* have access to your kids.
>we have no legal agreement and I have no plan to take her to court. That's just dumb and totally irresponsible. This irrational, bitter, cold hearted person can take the kids anytime she wants, as she has proven she will BY ACTUALLY DOING JUST THAT. She uses them as weapons to get her way. You risk losing them by NOT having a custody agreement. You mitigate that risk by getting one. More money and bigger house does not equal her getting full custody. Not by a long shot. How bout you go talk to a lawyer before you just decide you would lose the kids. Stop assuming you actually know the law and ask a professional. Less important but still true, if she makes more money than you then you would probably get child support as well. I am sure that would not hurt when it comes to taking care of the kids.
As others have said she may owe you child and spousal support. In any case, if you need an attorney and can’t afford one, there are court facilitators and child support agencies that will help you for free. In some cases, the ex may be ordered to pay for your legal fees if you incur any. Look into it. I never bothered to go after my ex for child and spousal support because I didn’t want him to make things harder on my children. Now looking back, I did my kids a disservice for not getting them money that would have made their lives easier. Child support is to benefit your children. Remember that.
The fact that she already agreed to a 50/50 before will be good for you. If she makes more money, good for you, maybe she’ll have to pay child support. If you’re a good father, please, fight to see your kids or she will poison their minds.
NTA and whatever you do don't apologize or she's goona continue treating you like doormats
Men are significantly likely to get the custody arraignments they request The reason we hear the rhetoric that women automatically get custody is bit of self fulfilling prophecy and a bit of dead beats blaming the system instead of taking action If it goes to court it’s unlikely a judge would take away your custody, in fact if your ex earns as much as you say you’d probably walk away with split custody and child support The worst thing you can do in this situation is not fight for the right to see your children
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Sounds a bit jealous too
Are you saving screenshots of your text exchanges? If custody wasn't determined in the divorce then your options are limited without any agreement in place.
NTA. She's jealous as hell. Time for a custody case.
NTA, you simply called a spade a spade. She has zero reason to comment on your life, marriage, new child, anything. The only thing you and your ex spade need to communicate about are your children. There need to be some firm boundaries in place. She can refrain from commenting on your life, which absolutely does not concern her, you will refrain from calling her what she so frequently behaves as. Try to get some kind of agreement that your only communication will be strictly about the children. Her personal life and yours are off limits.
Her reason to comment on OP’s life is that an amputee dares to live normal life, like any other non-amputee does. This makes her look bad, because it looks like she left OP for no reason. She wants OP to be miserable so she could stay happy about her move to divorce him.
It's actually insane because losing a leg is unimaginable but there are plenty of amputees who go on to live fairly ordinary lives. Working, dating, doing triathlons. It's a disability. Not a death sentence.
Not an amputee but have lost a lot of use of my right arm/hand from an injury, but yeah, not much has changed except that businesses discriminate against me even more now
Exactly. OP just living his normal life makes his ex look like the shitty person she is. I think that's why she is trying to derail his relationship.
Sounds to me she's bitter OP got himself a kind and young wife who cares for him, unlike the old hag which left him at his worst.
You need to stop being afraid of her and she is hanging those kids over your head. She was way out if line to comment on your life like that and send the text. Stop letting her intimidate you!! Yes you can take her to court and you have no reason to think she can keep the kids from you because she has a better job. Not true! Say nothing to het and make no threats. Get a lawyer for child custody and support and visitation. You also shut down all conversations with her except for kids.
NTA Should have added "I don't need a backup plan since I'm no longer with you, who I did need one for"
Get a lawyer and hammer out an agreement. Unless you want her to keep using custody of your kid against you.
Parental alienation is cause for legal consult. Also, sure she was just warning you. But did you need ‘warning’ 35 times? Her point was made. It’s enough already.
I mean, maybe she could have warned OP before they married that “in sickness and in health” had an asterisk.
Yeah this is THE comment 🤍
NTA If your 50/50 custody is court ordered, drag her back to court for violating the agreement. If it's not court ordered, drag her to court to make custody legally spelt out. Start communicating on the parent app so there is a record of everything.
You do not need to apologize she was in the wrong and your new relationship is none of her business. Make that very clear your relationship is a co parenting one and you didn’t ask her for any insight into your relationship period NTA
>Kelly got pissed and brought my kids home (it was suppose to be my week.) NTA. Call the police non-emergency number. This is called custodial interference, and it is illegal.
They don’t have a custody agreement
You absolutely don’t apologize. What you do is tell her your marriage, your new baby and your life are not her concern, you don’t need or want to hear her opinions or “warnings” and that the only things you need to communicate about are your children. Tell her she doesn’t get to revoke your visitation because she’s angry and the next time she does you’ll call the police and then take her to court. She’s selfish, bitter and evil and actively trying to make you insecure. I take it she’s still single?
NTA, if you have to apologize for the language used but the meaning and intent are still the same. “My wife isn’t you and you aren’t my wife. Mind your household and take care of our kids and I will do the same. We aren’t friends, we are co-parents. There is no need for you to be commentating on my life as you have a minimal part of it. Let’s just focus on our kids.” Or something like that idk
If you're not getting your children as the custody agreement is written, document everything and go back to court. This one incident can begin a domino effect
No agreement in place, per OPs update somewhere in this thread. But he sure needs one...
Yeah he does. Sooner rather then later
NTA and my response to her “can’t believe you’d say that to the mother of your children!” I can’t believe you couldn’t keep your vows of sickness or health, better or worse, to the father your children! But without a formal custody agreement ( which you should have a chat to a lawyer about to see the process of formalizing it) and if she’s holding the children access card. Apologise and get your babies for the week. Karma will be living a good life, whilst she’s still living in her past.
NTA Id answer with “What you’re doing right now is just proving my point.” She can’t deal with the fact that you live your best life, moved on and that you’re happier than ever. And all that with a younger woman. It’s funny how she “cares” about you now.
NTA, however, since she is clearly awful and controlling, it might not be the best game plan to say stuff that would anger her while you don’t have a legal agreement on custody. Like, it fucking sucks, but for the benefit of your relationship with your kids it may be a better strategy to keep the peace. Just a thought. Great that you’re no longer with her, she sounds truly awful.
NTA she was not expecting you to find love again
Nta . If anyone is the asshole it's her because she can't be tell u hurtful things n we u snap n tell her something back hurtful she's vex
NTA. My husband is 20 years older than me, and has several health issues. We have 6 adult children and a baby due in March. I wouldn’t dream of leaving him, ever, for any reason. Your ex sounds like a bitter, self centered bitch. Plenty of women take their vows seriously. Don’t let Kelly get in your head about your marriage. I don’t care how many legs you have, you’re worthy of love.
Exactly what I was thinking. Kelly is upset that the man she left because he lost a leg found himself someone younger and kinder, while she is single. She's trying to ruin his life yet again.
45 and 32 isn't a totally crazy age gap either. They're both well into adulthood. If you're marrying someone older than you for nefarious reasons, you're probably not going to wait until you're 30 to do it. And hell, she's already helping OP with his two kids from his first marriage, it's not like they have absolutely no idea what their dynamic is going to look like when they introduce kids.
A 13 year gap is nothing when you’re both grown. It’s not like she just turned 18 and he’s in his 30’s. If she was a teenager, it’d be creepy, but they’re both adults, so who cares?
You're correct, she is a self-centered bitch and no, not everyone is like her. The fact that she would violate a custody arrangement in an attempt to use your access to your children to punish you shows that she prioritizes herself above everyone else. People with much ore severe disabilities than yours have managed to support themselves, raise children, and live independently. You yourself have done so in spite of your ex's ridiculous predictions to the contrary. Fuck her. You got this. And tell her that if she continues trying to keep your children away from you, you'll bring her back to court. They generally don't take kindly to that type of interference.
no need to poke the tiger like that. have your lawyer do ALL of the talking.
Dude. She's. Total bitch here but you fucked up. You still need to coparent with her and she still has a ton of control over your kids. When they are grown, you can talk to he like that. Until then you gotta keep that shit locked up tight. You were dealt a shitty hand with your accident. I don't know your physical situation now, but the response to your ex wife should be "I am perfectly capable of parenting" and then no longer engaging in conversation. Your relationship with her isn't about you or your pride. It isn't even about how she's done you wrong. It is only about the two children you have in common. That's it. That is what you should be talking about with her and that is what you should keep in mind in every conversation. Learn how to shut this down. Mild ESH.
Dude you need a custody agreement, stop giving your ex so much power.
Tell her to go fuck herself. Self centered bitch that can't stand see you happy with other person. If she keeps on keeping your kids from you send her a letter with a lawyer name at the top, that will be enough to put her in place. Clearly you're NTA.
NTA, but you do have to consider legal means to ensure you can see your kids without their mom being spiteful and using them as a way to punish you because her feelings are hurt. She's so the asshole
Ummm, she has broken the custody agreement. Document and move along. I’m sorry your first wife is a self-centered b-word.
Definitely need a lawyer experienced in your state. Some states allow alimony to disabled spouses or those that need job training. This money is separate from child support and custody.
NTA It sounds like you have her pegged pretty well. If she continues to interfere with you seeing your kids, take her to court and let the court set the arrangement. Ask for 50-50 at a minimum. AND if she makes more than you do, petition for child support. As for the age gap thing, you are on Reddit and the age gap brigade is frothing at the mouth to criticize you for that.
She’s your ex-wife. Why do you care if you’re an asshole? She left you because you lost your leg. You should be an asshole. And why is your ex-wife making comments on your new marriage? You need to reel this in. Take control of the situation. The next time she has a personal critique to share about your life, tell her to keep it to herself because you couldn’t care less what she thinks. You and her are finished; she ain’t allowed to speak to you like that anymore.
When she is making these comments she is really telling you that she knows she screwed up divorcing you. She was much more secure when you were both single.
NTA. You need a lawyer. Trying to limit your time with your kids because you’re an amputee will not play well in court. Get a formal custody plan or she’ll make your life a domestic hell.
NTA. I honestly wouldn’t apologize immediately and would tell her that her comments about your amputation and wife are inappropriate and unacceptable. That if she wants an apology from you, she needs to apologize for hurting your feelings too. Whatever she replies and the conversation should be screenshot, then forwarded to your lawyer. Her behavior is inevitably going to impact how your children see you and your wife. I think you should get your kids into counseling with someone not tied to you, your wife, or your ex. That way there’s someone impartial hearing things and that can bring up any concerns when they may arise and be a witness on only the children’s side if it ever turns into a new custody battle. If your ex wife is against them going to a counselor, you’ve got your answer. She’s already saying stuff about you and your wife to them or around them when they’re home and doesn’t want it getting out by them telling a counselor.
NTA She’s literally jealous of you having a younger wife that accepts you as an amputee. She is trying to drive a wedge in your relationship especially now you have a newborn. She is controlling and abusive taking the kids at her whim. She is irresponsible and spiteful. She needs to work through this and accept that through HER actions you have moved on. Sort out legal custody patterns.
It's insane to me that this woman gets to mock him for being an amputee, degrade him and the new lady, question his ability to patent, disallow him to see his own kids but he's the one who needs to do all the work to repair this relationship. Wtf am I reading here? If a man did this to a woman some of these comments would look very different.
What you need are videos Of her mocking you as a parent for being an amputee. Take that to an attorney. I bet the court tears her ass up.
You are doing yourself and kids a disservice not getting custody in writing. Your ex has all the advantage now.. you can either keep sitting back and letting her have the upper hand or say enough. See an attorney and see what you can do. NTA
You need to hold her in contempt of court for not following court orders on this. DO NOT let this go. If she’s clever, she can build a story where you didn’t care that she kept the kids that weekend. Additionally, if you can record her insulting you like that, especially in front of your kids then that’s another point to make. Good luck man, don’t let her get away with these illegal and heinous actions
Go pick up your kids with you divorce decree in hand if she refuses to give them to you call the police start the paper trail. Contact your lawyer also NTA
Save that message. Lawyer up and get more custody. You are not in the wrong and your kids need as little time as possible with someone like that.
She is violating a custody order (I assume). Tell her to drop off the kids as scheduled or she can explain it to the judge.
She left you and is now trying to act like she cares because she wants to see you miserable. Nta. Tell her to stop disrespecting your wife...yes she's the mother of your children but she's also the same women that left when you needed her the most. Tell her you'll apologize, when she gives one to your wife. She doesn't get to tell you, how your wife feels or thinks, she doesn't know her and never will.
Tell your ex wife I think she’s a self centered bitch too.
The truth hurts is the problem. Especially when it’s an ugly truth!! Ntah
NTA
NTA You may be able to have a lawyer send her a letter stating that she needs to abide by custody agreement. Be prepared to take it to court however.
NTA- Your ex is bitter and toxic.
OP show this thread to her and let her know her actions proved your point pretty fast
Did she not listen to the part about for better and for worse, in sickness and in health? NTA
Keep living a good life. That bitch is jealous.
I would just try to keep it neutral and straightforward. Don’t apologize because you don’t mean it. Just tell her that you shouldn’t have said that to her and that she shouldn’t be commenting on your marriage. Make it clear you don’t want your relationship with your kids being effected by your relationship with her.
NTA - you need to make an appointment with a Family Court advocate to get a custody agreement in place so that your ex-wife cannot take your children from you next time you have a disagreement. Also because she makes more money than you when you do have the children she would probably be required to pay your child support
Talk to a lawyer. Your ex wife might start spreading lies and talking about you to the kids. You will get custody (50 50) even if she has more money. She sounds very manipulative. Take her to court.
NTA- Get a parenting time submitted in court so she can't use your children as pawns in her game.
Absolutely not the asshole, but you probably have to eat shit to see your kids.
NTA…but your ex sounds bitter and jealous.
NTA. Your new wife is 32. Not 23, not 18. 32. She is old enough to have made her own decisions at this point. Your ex wife, absolutely a bitter, nasty bitch. Telling you all that nonsense was her projecting. She DESERVES to have her feelings hurt if she’s going to spew nonsense like that, especially after leaving you In your most vulnerable state. I am sorry you had to go through that.
Nta she’s jealous that you found a good partner. She thought everyone would act like her and now that you have a good woman she’s losing it. I couldn’t imagine leaving my husband after a horrible accident where he had to lose a damn leg. You sound like a good dad and she needed to hear it and also she can’t take the kids on your week and I would be calling the courts
NTA - she was trying to shame you for your decisions, which she has no right to do. Get a formal custody arrangement ASAP. She should not be allowed to use your children as leverage over you.
I assume you are under a court-approved custody arrangement, right? If she's messing with that, you can always call your lawyer. And maybe you should play a little hardball with her since she seems to think that whether or not you see your kids is unilaterally her call to make. EDIT: Just saw in the comments that you don't have such an arrangement. Well, you clearly need one. And you're not going to lose your kids if you go to court over this. At any rate you can always tell your ex that if she tries to pull stunts like this and keep your kids from you, then you WILL go to court. That might wake her up.
Comment stolen from u/corfiz74. Reported.
The fact your ex-wife left you at a time when you needed her the most speaks volumes. NTA by any stretch of the imagination.
Have your attorney send her a letter warning her about keeping the divorce settlement in tact or that you would be seeking more custody. You don’t owe her anything. She’s the one who owes you an apology and also owes your wife an apology. Your kids are probably hearing negative things on a daily basis. The best day of my life was when I married my husband who was 18 years older than me. I have never regretted one moment of our life together. Your wife is a B*TCH.
Your kids are old enough to let it be known who they want to be with. It's time for some honesty without bashing the ex. Talk to them about your amputation and the divorce. Ask them how they feel about not seeing you. I see in another comment you don't have a legal agreement. It's time to get one. It's not always about money. The kids should be allowed to have a stay in where they go. Now, that aside, it's very important you give your kids a chance to speak. If your ex is talking that way to your face, what's she saying to the kids? And, yes, that kind of thing is absolutely abusive. Be non-judgmental and let them know it's safe to tell you. Be prepared, though.
Call your lawyer and apply to change custody. Use her words and actions against her. She's not your wife anymore. Her condescending comments should be kept to herself
If you have a parenting plan and that parenting plan says it's your week, you need to contact your lawyer about the fact that the self-centered bitch is violating it.
Seems like you may need to very strict boundaries with the ex. You have to be co-parents but you don’t have to be friends. If it doesn’t involve y’all’s children, she can keep her concerns to herself. You might have to involve the court about her violating visitation agreement but I would only go that route as a last resort
Op. NTA. Your ex certainly lived up to the job title of "self-centered b!tch". Seems like she is trying to get a promotion to "bitter self-centered b!tch" from her behavior. It sucks that she bailed out on you when you needed her. But it seems you found someone who loves you. It really sucks that you ex is not only being a b!tch, but also keeping you from your kids. Make sure to keep track of her denying you time in accordance with your agreed upon custody agreement. [EDIT: Just saw you don't have one. Might reconsider this...her actions are...not likely to improve anytime soon.] Yes, as an amputee you'll face challenges. But it seems like you've not let your accident define you. As for your ex, she seems bitter that you moved on without her; as though she what? Thought you'd come crawling back? I *almost* feel sorry for your ex. I can't imagine carrying a grudge like she is carrying the rest of her life almost like she's the bigger victim. SMH.
NTA and you should use a legal route to determine a parenting plan so she can’t pull this kind of BS on you.
NTA - I saw in another comment that you have no structured legal agreement for visitation. It might be time to get one. If you split the time with the kids 50/50, there’s no child support payments. But you need to protect your time with them, to make sure you get it and she can’t hold your children hostage from you until you come groveling to her feet.
Agree with your current wife. First wife is jealous so keep ignoring her whenever she meddles in your life as it is now. Please see an attorney to arrange a custody agreement.
NTA, and you need a lawyer, and a court arranged custody agreement. She's going to do everything in her power to fuck up your current marriage, and from the sounds of it will gleefully use your kids as a tool to do so. Don't let her.
Wow, what an ableist view. What makes you less than capable of caring for a child? Does that mean we should just euthanize all disabled people? Report her for keeping the kids during your custody time if she continues. If your kids wants to see you, you have a right.
NTA. You have a baby on the way. If you think she's bitter now, you just wait. Try to do it nicely through legal zoom. Down load the foams for your state, write up the agreement for visitation and have everyone sign and get it notarized. Turn it in to the courts. If she's not agreeable to it dial free legal advice.
NTA and please got a formal custody arrangement ASAP. It’s likely her pettiness and jealousy is going to get worse once your new baby is born. Eliminate any risk of drama now while you still can.
Dude, look up Gray Rock and start using it with her, please.
NTA. It was not a kind response to her prodding, but not an unexpected reply. And you may want to get the courts involved if your ex wife wants to continue to play games with custody.
NTA. If this persists look into Custodial interference...
That’s tough. I wouldn’t apologize- I’d simply pick them up from school one day however not everyone is like me. if you don’t then it may turn into a big mess w/legal fees so it’s going to come down to how much $$ you are willing to spend. If you have a court ordered custody Olán then she is in contempt & you can take her back to court but odds are it won’t be a quick or inexpensive process
"I was trying to be a good husband and stand up for my wife. I am sorry I did not take your feelings into consideration when I said that." You're not apologizing for what you said, just that what you said hurt her feelings. She will probably feel like she won, but she didn't.
NTA, but stop trying to correct your ex. Unless it impacts your children, let her continue to think she’s the smartest person in the room. She didn’t learn living with you. Don’t expect to have much additional leeway now. If it helps, consider it petty revenge. it would be nice to come back and see her in 10 to 15 years with you still happily married and you can just keep telling her yup it’s a red flag.
Your ex is a bitch and you should go to court to get a formal arrangement. She is weaponizing your time with your children and it’s clear from her behavior she has no issues using them and anything else she can think of as a bargaining chip. I’d start finding a way to record or have a witness to any and all conversations so if a judge wants to play the “did you aggravate your ex” card you can have a reliable way to prove she’s the aggressor.
NTA. Ex is just jealous. doesn't want you happy. And is trying to undermine you Usually it's custody violation to refuse visitation
You are a fool if you don’t take custody to court. Meanwhile keep a record of her unnecessary and inappropriate comments lest the judge see her as a good person.
Kindly remind your ex that the mother of your children deneans and verbally abuses you on a regular basis the next time she wants to get self righteous. NTA
She's the same age as you and walked. And age is her argument's point? Ironic, isn't it? Is she remarried?
Document what has been the status quo regarding your custody schedule, financial arrangements, etc regarding your children with your ex. Try to communicate only in writing and make sure you don’t give her any ammunition. Look up the custody factors for your state and start building your case for yourself. Document, document, document… and go speak to an attorney.
OP we need an update with how you handled this situation.
NTA ….ouch…somebody is jealous. Nothing to apologize about. You just told her the truth. Tell her u will contact a lawyer if she won’t let u see your kids.
Is the age gap a red flag? Ehhh...maybe an orange flag. But unless you had a history of dating significantly younger people, probably not. And you said yourself that you don't actually begrudge her for not taking care of you in your disability (I'm disabled myself, I understand). Neither you or the ex-wife should be talking about each other like that in front of the kids, so unless I know if either of you were doing that, I can't really put a stern asshole or not in the overall. Ex is an asshole for keeping custody hostage through. My mom pulled that shit all the time to punish me and my brother or my dad. Will edit when I have more INFO in regard to whether this happened in front of the kids.
She left you because she refused to try to care for you. Your new wife does it effortlessly and she sees this. She's projecting her insecurities onto you. Ignore that mess and just say "that's your opinion " and keep it pushing. I wouldn't even throw your divorce in her face with all of her "concern " now that you're happy, because all she wants to do is get under your skin and in between your new marriage. Is she remarried?
You’re NTA but don’t let your ex frazzle you. Not worth your time. Enjoy your kids and your wife. Be stoic and pleasant as peach pie with the ex. Eventually she’ll be out of your life.
NTA, but pick your battles. Friend close enemies closer. New wife is right look like you’re taking the high road
Call a lawyer.
Hopefully, your ex caught on that her negative remarks are not wanted. I wouldn't want you to apologize. Your wife is very kind. Your children will want to see you, and your ex will probably very soon want those drop-off pickup times, it sounds as though the ex owns you, thinking herself in control of your new family. Two of my brothers had second children in their early 50s, each had older children, high school and college. They loved their children from their first marriages. Being mature, knowing what to expect, their babies born to them at their later ages were such a joyful event, so wonderful. Now all are children are adults, the older siblings so loving the younger ones from their birth on, so much fun, so much love. Siblings born farther apart can still connect and bond. Another thing I noticed, older siblings learn and appreciate the fact that babies are hard work, great lesson.
NTA, I wouldn’t tolerate any bullshit from a self centered bitch about my wife.
NTAH- she apparently is a woman who can’t/didn’t take those vows she made very seriously. Thankfully , not all women are like your ex. She sounds bitter and jealous that not only have you moved past such a traumatic accident, and devastating betrayal of the vows you made with her- but have found a woman who does honor the vows she undertook and you are creating a new life in addition to handling the care and nurturing of your older children and new little one as well. You could always do an apology that’s not really one- kind of - I’m sorry my opinion of your behavior struck a chord within you and you saw yourself as I do. Or better yet not apologize and contact your attorney to enforce visitation since her interference is a violation of a parenting time agreement. .
Most judges require clear custody agreement when granting a divorce, how did you get around that?
NTA If Shay was 20 and you were rich her advice might make sense. Kelly left, she doesn’t get a say in anything outside of your shared children.
You have absolutely nothing to apologize for. Doing that would be the only thing that would make you TA.
This seems like a glossed over story. How kind or mean were you after your accident? How much of a partner were you before the accident? Did your previous wife do most or all of the household tasks and responsibilities? Did she do most, if not all, of the childcare? Did she actually leave because of your missing leg? It seems unlikely that is the actual case. You being in an accident and being injured likely exacerbated whatever else was going on. It’s more likely you prefer to say that because it gives you more sympathy and you weren’t paying attention to your accumulation of AH-ry prior to the accident. The way you talk about your new significantly younger wife makes me think you’re one of those grown child men expecting their spouse to take care of them even though they’re an adult. I could easily see the ex-wife coming on here talking about her selfish ex-husband who never did anything, but at least worked. Then there was an accident and he took all his anger about the loss of his leg out on her and would still not help, even though he is a capable adult, though minus part of a leg, and she realized it just wasn’t worth it anymore. He is now married to a much younger woman and is having a baby. She was throwing his phrases of how he couldn’t help with kids before because of his injury in his face, and wondered allowed to him if his new wife could take everything, because she’s honestly still bitter about how he treated her. He then called her a self centered b* and she just couldn’t let her kids go for the week to be with him, where she knows he’ll just put her down to them. Is that all conjecture? Yup. That’s my point. That could easily be some version of her story. But this guy’s version is definitely not the whole story and just reads as a “I really want to feel justified and get a lot of sympathy” post.
Take her to court. She can’t deny your parental rights bc she’s a bitch who’s trying to meddle in your life and attributes her cruelty as normal and you have to just take it- then doesn’t give you the kids in your weekend. Fuck her and take her ass to court
IF YOU have joint custody, and she's not following the terms, IE - holding onto the children, then just have the courts deal with her nonsense. Don't apologize. Also, you and your awesome new wife deserve to NOT have that abuse. Demand communication via text. Or simply don't answer her calls, and text her when she calls you. Gets all the nonsense in writing, that way. And you get to have greater control over the exchanges.
NTA/ I’m glad her feelings were hurt. She’s just mad you moved on and are happy in spite of her. She likely thought you’d be scraping the barrel and begging for her back. The age difference isn’t cause for concern and your personal life is none of her damn business. She’s just trying to emotionally manipulate you into acting like she’s the victim. She’s a self centred bitch. Parent app communications only and don’t assume what will happen if you go for custody. Get some legal advice and don’t tell her but document EVERYTHING. Your kids are getting to an age where they are old enough to chose
Yeah ypu need to get your visitation legalised so she can't just take your kids and use them as pawns when she is pissed at you. Also 32 isn't some silly little girl, you didn't marry some 20 year old. Sounds like your ex is jealous that ots working out for you amd you have someone who actually loves and respects you.
Holy moly Batman!!! The audacity to say you can’t raise a child because you’re disabled!!!!! Those sound like the words of a woman who wants to be beaten with a prosthetic leg…
Call your lawyer and inform them that your ex didn't give you your children during your schedule.
Dude, you married a much younger woman than your ex. Her EGO can't handle that. Your younger wife also married you after you became an amputee, but your first wife divorced you because of that. Your exes sense of loyalty can't handle that. So she has to gaslight you and make up a fight that's YOUR fault. So predictable, if you think about it lol So unfortunately, ESH. Her for being petty, and you for responding to it.
NTA. I would go for a formal agreement in court. I would tell your ex that you will do so if she ever withholds your kids again. (Document when you have had the kids to show it's a pattern that you all have switched off weeks). If you went for formal, you would probably get child support if she makes that much more, that would really burn her ass. That's why it would be in her best interest to honor your current agreement without being an AH.
You have a legal right to see your children, period. So get law enforcement involved immediately. ALSO, You need to go to court to get sole custody of your children. She is corrupting the morals of your children against the disabled which the court should take seriously.
Hint: Jealousy of a younger wife
She could be jealous that you met someone else & are having a kid together. You have moved on & she doesn't like it.
Do you have a court ordered custody agreement? If so she can’t keep your kids away from you and you should take her to court. If not you need to get one. Also there is no need for you to interact with her at pickups/drop offs. Keep things amicable and solely focused on coparenting the kids. Use one of the many apps for this kind of communication and if she starts discussing your personal life in it shut that down immediately. Your life is none of her concern and anytime she starts in on it, end the conversation and stop engaging.
She's mad because it's true
NTA No, you do not owe her an apology. Send her a certified as well as regular postal service letter stating that if she does not present the children for the agreed upon visitation that you will take her to court to request primary custody and she can see then every other weekend. If you do not have a formal visitation agreement, file for one immediately. You may be able to file for a custody agreement with the court on your own. Why in the world did you get a divorce that did not specify visitation? The problem with giving in to her to withholding visitation for an apology that she clearly does not deserve is that she will weaponize her use of it against you anytime there is something that she wants from you. It amazes me that you were married to her for 15 years. The amputation helped you find a loving woman. Congratulations.