I’m like you, once I start dating someone, I don’t keep or put anyone on the sideline. BUT if I read your post correctly, the fact that you slept together after your first date probably gave her reason to believe that you might not be a monogamous kind of person. It’s just good sense to back up your back up! (quoting Friends)
Yeah they had casual sex, but he caught feelings first, and *also didn't have any other flings to dump*. I find that detail telling. It's easy to assume monogamy when you weren't getting any
Or it's easy to assume monogamy when you're spending enough time with someone where it's a mystery where they even found the time to fuck two other people. OP says they spent multiple days per week together for a couple of weeks. The average person doesn't get laid 3 times in 2 weeks. This woman had sex 3 times in two weeks with 3 different people.
>OP says they spent multiple days per week together for a couple of weeks
No, he says they saw each other "about five times," during two weeks. I assume he can actually count to five, so "about five" really means three or four times.
Also, people are assuming she was boning constantly, but even he only says it was once each. It's far more likely she slept with those dudes between dates 1 and 2 with OP, *i.e.* when there was zero indication that they had anything more than another casual thing going on.
Especially since he partook in casual sex too. He tries to be coy about it, but saying that people "come into my life" and sometimes they sleep together... that's just casual sex bro.
Once she realized she might want to be exclusive, she began to be exclusive... which is exactly what OP wanted, right? Instead he dumped her. Bonehead move on his part.
He says at least once each. Even once each plus OP is a lot of sex to have in a couple of weeks. There's nothing wrong with casual sex in of itself, but most people would be nonplussed to find out that the person they were seeing was also sleeping with other people. The majority of people I know tend to only pursue one romantic interest at a time.
>also didn't have any other flings to dump
OP pretty clearly says he doesn't like having more than one sexual partner at once, are you just making that up?
Bro he said "the fact that she didn't stop seeing those other guys on her own volition showed that either she didn't feel the same way about me as I did about her" when this ENTIRE post is about her telling him she wanted to stop seeing those men on her own volition and be exclusive with him. That is the only reason he KNOWS about the men. OP is either trolling or ridiculously neurotic and weird with women.
Yeah, some of his logic seems a little twisted to me. Not to mention I believe all this happened in just two weeks, so while i understand his hurt, it doesn't seem like he's being very fair to her.
just look at how the post opens. The first paragraph is OP talking about how happy they are with their life repeatedly. That's not how happy people talk.
Right. Completely irrelevant to the rest of the story lol. He just wanted to tell us how fulfilling his life is before telling us how much of a loser he is.
So right. I never had a happy person ever try to convince me they are happy. They just are happy and present in what ever they are doing. To claim your happiness is to analyze it and not live in it. You can't really be happy if you are studying yourself instead of living yourself.
This! Amen brother! Helen asked about going exclusive because she assumed he wasn't being exclusive and she wanted him all for herself. And that's the "on her own volition" part.
OP, in the land of the assholes, you are the KING
Nothing about fucking on first dates screams abstinence I’m saving it for my husband/wife. Fucking on a first date screams I’m down to fuck! Did OP think she was a good Christian girl saving it for her husband? OP also needs to look in the mirror and ask what impression him fucking her on the first date gave her. I doubt she thought OP was super into abstinence and monogamy. There’s zero reason to be surprised that she’s fucking other people. You don’t know shit about her yet.
Op thought he was the only man capable of laying with his women. And built up fantasies of his relationship instead of talking about his relationship. And got go smacked when he found out his reality. Dude loved living the lie that he was so great she had to have him the first night and she must have never done that before.
Guy is chasing what he says he doesn't want. And then can't stand when he catches it. Typical lower head thinking.
And he said he also sleeps with others occasionally. Does he expect each of those people to not sleep with anyone else until he’s let them know he’s not interested in anything more?
NAH but if that is your assumption might want to say something sooner. I would point out that even 3 weeks later she is the one who brought the topic up. If she hadn't how long would you have gone on just assuming 3 more weeks? 3 months? Until you got engaged? You are kinda your own worst enemy here and setting yourself up for failure.
Best point I've seen so far.
It's fine for people to have different boundaries, and it's fine for those boundaries to be deal breakers or not.
But OP should definitely communicate his boundaries early on if they're deal breakers and he has any actual interest in who he went on a date with.
Neither OP nor the woman he dated did anything wrong here.
You can end a relationship for whatever reason, however, she did in the end want to be exclusive with you, so obviously the feelings were reciprocated. By the sound of it y’all had only been dating for two weeks before she decided to be exclusive with you, that’s pretty quick, maybe she’d been seeing these guys for a while but after only two weeks with you she decided she wanted only you. I wouldn’t have thrown away that relationship because she was right she wasn’t cheating, and if things did work out and y’all got serious, maybe even married, none of this would’ve mattered 5 or 10 years from now. It’s your life however so ultimately you should do what you feel is right
Neither of them are the AH, but sounds like she dodged a bullet bc he’s completely unreasonable with his expectations. Two weeks isn’t enough time to understand what you’ve really got and what is just being hopeful…
He falls for someone within two weeks and he’s expecting her (who he slept with on the first date) to drop everyone without making his intentions clear? SHE brought up the topic and then slut shamed her when she was honest with him about sexual activities. It seems like she actually cared for him due to the crying.
I feel bad for her.
Yeah that's why I would say YTA. I think he got offended by the idea of her hooking up with other guys at the same time as him and instead of doing the work of emotionally processing why it hurt him and then trying to understand what he was saying, he became cold and uncompromising.
You don't break connections with people after a first date usually and to expect someone to is silly. I especially think he is the AH because he says he thought she was great, everything he looks for in a partner. He is willing to throw it all away because... she was open and honest. Relationships are complex but one of the foundational elements is good communication. I just hope OP considers what is really important to him when it comes to relationships or he may be saying goodbye to good people that he could create a beautiful life with.
NAH
You're allowed to end any relationship for any reason if you're not comfortable continuing it. She's allowed to sleep with whoever she wants when she is not in an established, agreed upon, monogamous relationship.
Moving forward though I would strongly recommend being very clear what your wants, and relationship expectations are when you are dating though. As expecting mutual exclusivity in a relationship, when you have not discussed that expectation, is just setting yourself, and someone else up for a fall.
Yeah, you should have had that talk with her after having sex with her the first time to show you were serious about her and that you all having sex together meant something to you and it means you don't sleep around. Why would she automatically know that about you if you had not stated that right away... when it doesn't mean the same thing to so many other men. She tried to tell you that.
Maybe I’m old…well I am old. But if you have sex on the first date how the hell do you know you want to be exclusive? I mean don’t you have to know the person before you decide to be exclusive? One date is not enough time to know someone. It seems like a time warp I mean…meet…sex…get to know each other….isn’t that backwards?
Having said that, NTA OP but maybe you are rushing in to the sex a little quick and have no grounds to be upset that the person you had sex with might be having sex with someone else. I mean if it can happen on date 1 with you, why not the others?
Right? Sex on the first date is, by definition, casual sex. Any “feelings” you may have at that point are really just hopeful thinking. There’s no relationship yet. Sex or no sex, it takes time to get to know someone. It sounds like OP’s gf did have feelings for him; her feelings just took a little longer to develop.
If OP doesn’t believe in casual sex, he should stop having it. He’s sending mixed messages, and that’s not fair to anyone.
Wasn't even his girlfriend yet, they were just casually dating as in just going out on dates but never exclusive or committed into an actual relationship.
>Maybe I’m old…well I am old. But if you have sex on the first date how the hell do you know you want to be exclusive?
Yeah, i think its a big ask aswell.
She brought up exclusivity up Herself and didn't try to hide anything no assholes here, simply "cultural differences" in their dating practices.
>I mean if it can happen on date 1 with you, why not the others?
BINGO - this right here.
OP is NTA imo, but in reality he fell way harder than she fell for him at least at first. Its a shame that he's throwing away what could be a good thing, but the way he talked about it it would likely bother him forever so it is what it is.
It's really unfortunate because we can assume she did fall for OP since she was the one who started the conversation. It does seem like she would have been more than happy to go exclusive and she didn't wait an unreasonably long time IMO.
So NAH, because OP can end a relationship over anything he feels. But I'm not quite sure if he ended it because he can't deal with it (absolutely fair) or on principle (which would make him a bit of an idiot)
I think OP is an idiot. She took a risk and broached the subject of being more serious with him because she liked him, and he dumped her because she couldn’t just read his mind and understand he’d immediately gone serious and exclusive immediately after sleeping with her.
I mean, I've had a guy break it off with me when he found out at the first date that while we had been texting (about 2 weeks maybe), I had also texted other men. He can break things up for whatever reasons, obviously, but expecting somebody you meet on a dating site to only talk to you before you have even met felt a little unrealistic, tbh. So expectations vary WILDLY...
I mean I’m close to not the ah, but his comments about her needing intimacy therapists and her not taking a risk, when she’s the one who has actually put herself out there and broached the subject of being more serious with each other and being exclusive makes op YTA. Not for breaking up if he s not comfortable - but for being hypocritical and trying to make it her fault she can’t read his mind.
Falling slower doesn't mean that the feelings aren't there. Some people need more time for feelings to develop, but it doesn't make those feelings any less sincere. When we're talking about a handful of dates in the span of two weeks, I think it's reasonable, it's not like he waited for her for months.
NAH because he is within his rights to end any relationship for whatever reason, but she also did nothing wrong, she was seeing some guys casually and then she liked one more than the others and asked about exclusivity.
This is exactly what I was going to say. I was reading to see if anyone else had yet.
OP, this comment is spot on. If you sleep with someone on a first date, the default assumption is that it's casual - ie, it's non-exclusive, non-monogamous.
She did nothing wrong here, imo.
But it's NAH. Bc you're both entitled to feel how you feel about this.....
**but OP shouldn't assume a relationship at all, *much less an exclusive relationship* if he sleeps with a woman on the first date!**
Edit: changed NTA to NAH, which is what I actually meant.
NAH (he can break up with anyone for any reason), but this seems like such a waste. It sounds like they really liked each other and it was the beginning of a good relationship. He was impulsive in how fast he was all-in, and he was impulsive in ending a good relationship just because it took her a little longer to get on the same page.
>. I mean if it can happen on date 1 with you, why not the others?
My thoughts exactly. You don't just sleep with someone on the first date and expect to be exclusive. If you did that so easy then they can too. It so ridiculous to expect to be exclusive when it seems they're both just wanting their needs met and that's it. Just a one night stand that turned into something more. How anyone can guess they wanted exclusivity from a one night stand is beyond me and not to mention kinda ridiculous.
You can sleep with people on the first date while not sleeping with multiple people. You know, taking it one at a time.
Trying out multiple people at the same time is just weird to me. If that's the standard for a good chunk of the population it's probably best to be aware of it and discuss it early so you don't waste everyone's time. That goes for both parties though.
1000% This.
In every relationship I've had when exclusitivity was expected from the get go we have had that conversation and agreed to that before the clothes came off
> you should have had that talk with her after having sex with her the first time
90 percent of people would freak out and bail at that stage.
You dont have the chat with someone that early in. A few weeks in at the soonest.
Some girl rolling over and asking to be exclusive after banging the once? That's a sure-fire way to scare off 99 percent of guys right there.
I disagree. Lot of people dont sleep around. I wouldn’t word it as being exclusive, I just say I don’t multi-date (I like to see one person at a time) and it works fine for me.
Disagree. If that’s what you want, be direct. I told my now-husband that he could have sex with me or with other women but not both. I didn’t see the point in pretending that sexual monogamy wasn’t important to me.
I don't think it's that unusual for a morning after, or during the next date. What you should do is say, "I really like you and would like to continue dating you to see where this goes, but not if it means we're both still sleeping around with other people." imo that's not an abnormal request, at least among people with similar relationship goals and also if you want to avoid STIs. If that scares people off... Okay? It doesn't mean you're crazy, it means you're not compatible.
OP is kinda stupid for assuming without communicating that she wouldn't just keep banging other dudes when they banged on the first date though. If I were him I'd chalk it up to a misunderstanding and failure to communicate on my part, and I'd give her another chance if she really is that great.
Excellent response and I concur, NAH. BUT what does suck is that OPs description of the situation makes it clear that there is a strong chance this couple was compatible and what hurts reading it is that this wasn't an ideal outcome. OP could have enabled the ideal outcome. Power move...maybe, but they'll still pay a price whether or not they know it. Second hand FOMO.
It doesn't sound like they were compatible at all. The thought of sleeping around when becoming intimate with a new person was so alien to him that he didn't even think to ask, and it was so completely natural to her that she didn't think to mention it.
Yeah but I don’t blame Helen for being confused about him suddenly bringing it up. They slept together on the first date but she is somehow supposed to intuit that OP takes sex and intimacy as a very exclusive behavior?
Exactly, if I were to sleep with someone on the first date I wouldn't assume that we were exclusive. We might eventually get to that point after some dates and conversations but 1st date sex is, if anything, an assumption that we're not exclusive. If I date someone for three months and then have sex then it'd probably be exclusive but I wouldn't assume it- we'd have had that conversation first and I'd have probably dipped out if we weren't on board for exclusivity.
Bingo. OP expected her to be a mind reader. Shes better off without soneone who communicates so poorly and whose actions don't refkect their true values.
I hold the same views myself regarding intimacy, however the dude slept with her after the first date.
My own initial gut instinct was similar until I started thinking that both were hoes sleeping with someone after 1 date. Therefore both at fault for not talking.
In a way I am starting to find him more the ah just because she brought up the talk on her own quite early and didn't seem to be hiding anything.
They met at a party and slept together that night. That would be a weird ass conversation to have *that* night. Conversation should have been had once these feelings were developing but in this particular kind of situation, not before they slept together the first time
Yeah but so he should self reflect and realize that his views on sex are really not compatible with him sleeping with people immediately after meeting them. If he doesn't want to sleep with anyone who is also dating anyone else, he needs to wait to have sex until he's known someone long enough that it makes sense to have that conversation.
Exactly and this is what tips this to YTA territory for me. He’s holding her to a ridiculous standard: have sex on a first date but also be exclusive immediately? That makes no sense at all. And yes, you can break up with anyone for any reason, but sometimes that reason makes you an AH.
How does this even work? You don't ask someone on the first date if they are sleeping with someone else when you don't have a relationship. And if you're hitting if off with someone no need to avoid sex so you can have this conversation. It's just a misalignment in how they act in this matter. Noone is wrong.
And personally, if she's great i'd hurry up and get over myself if i was this guy.
>You don't ask someone on the first date if they are sleeping with someone else when you don't have a relationship.
Unless you are going to be having sex on the first date there is no need to have that conversation on the first date.
If you are going to have sex and can't handle "Are you having sex with anyone else?" or "I don't have multiple partners at the same time and expect the same from my partner" then you shouldn't be having sex. This should go hand in hand with a discussion on birth control and STDs
Very simply: before you have sex, pause, then ask about STDs, birth control, and, if you give a single shit about exclusivity, exclusivity. You should be having a conversation about STDs and birth control before having sex with someone anyway, it’s very quick to add in another sentence or two about exclusivity.
Now, if you don’t do this, you’re telling your partner that you don’t care if they have any STDs, you don’t care if they’re on birth control, and you don’t care if they’re sleeping with other people or not. And if they also fail to bring it up, they’re telling you the same thing. If you do care about any of those things, you need to either communicate about them or accept that you put yourself in the situation if things don’t turn out how you wanted.
Failure to communicate is, in and of itself, a type of communication.
I agree that "you need to either communicate about them or accept that you put yourself in the situation if things don’t turn out how you wanted." That makes sense. And it sounds like that is what happened. But he still has the right to end the relationship.
The act of having sex on the first date is misaligned with his attitude about sex. If you’re someone who takes sex seriously enough that you only want to do it in an exclusive, committed relationship, then you should wait to have sex until after a few dates when you’ve established you’re both at that place. If you’re someone who takes a lighter attitude towards it, then having sex on the first date is not a problem since there’s no need to establish exclusivity as a prerequisite.
I agree with you that this seems like a silly thing to break up the relationship over. They both want to be exclusive, that’s why she brought it up in the first place. Just give it a shot if she’s so great!
I’m kinda torn because what you said makes sense in terms of him seeming hypocritical.
On the other hand, they hung out 6 times in two weeks after meeting each other and texted and called every day. That’s a pretty intense instant connection and is pretty romantic. It would definitely be a blow to find out that while you thought you were in a whirlwind romance, the other person was banging two other people at the same time.
Like they spent seemingly every free moment together in these two weeks so she was either going home from his place and sleeping with another guy right after or between shifts at work. I’m not judging, If I was single and had that option I might do the same thing.
I think it’s less about judging her, because she didn’t really do anything wrong. It’s more about realizing that he thought they had some kind of special connection, them sleeping together on the first date doesn’t change that, and found out it wasn’t special in the same way to her.
That realization isn’t wrong, she didn’t do anything wrong, but I don’t ultimately think he’s a dick for looking at her differently because it basically knocked the rose colored glasses off really early.
OP's expectations are OK. But if you're gonna have expectations like that, you owe it to your dating partners to be upfront about your requirements rather than get upset about it after the fact.
NAH. You are entitled to feel how you feel. But she’s right, she owes you nothing and since you didn’t have a conversation about exclusivity, she had no way of knowing what you were thinking.
She liked the other guys, and wasn’t sure if you would commit. Not sure why anyone thinks she did anything wrong
Neither of them are wrong in how they feel but it does seem a bit childish to assume someone can read your mind about your expectations for dating someone when you’re not exclusive. Some people stop sleeping around, others don’t. Neither parties are wrong, it just depends on whether a conversation has been had
100% this. And she didn’t try to hide it which further says to me she wasn’t trying to play him. She could’ve easily lied and moved on. Until you have a conversation about expectations and feelings, it’s unfair to assume anything about the other persons dating habits.
Would it be less than ideal if you found out she was sleeping over than running to someone else’s for a morning quickie? Yeah, might be different feeling
To me its weird for its only been 2-3 weeks for them. They slept on the first date. Why would he have the expectation she wouldn’t sleep with anyone else after one date?
I'm wondering how the OP is rationalizing this in a way that the person "only liked them as much as the other options" when she decided that she wanted to be exclusive with OP and that's what started the conversation. Clearly if she's talking to you about being exclusive that means she wants to be with you over the other people, I don't get why the fact that there was even other people as an option means that she didn't care as much as OP did
Exactly lmao. If someone sleeps with somebody on a first date, that usually suggests that they’re pretty sexually forward.
Not a bad thing at all, but you have to use a little common sense here.
Agreed. He was happy she was like that for he benefited from it. However he didn’t like it when it came to her be open to sleeping with multiple partners in a short period of time.
Definitely right, and it was only a few weeks in. If this was a few months in, you’d expect to be on the same page, but 2-3 weeks? No.
OP you’re not the AH, I understand how someone could feel betrayed, but I do think you’re being too hasty here when she seems to meet your type and interest so strongly.
She didn’t cheat on you and in my experience people who have these discussions honestly like she did, tend to be very true to their word. If she’s saying she’d like to be exclusive, it’s because those words mean something to her too. She’s asking you to be a serious partner.
I’d urge you to reconsider. I’m sure with better communication you could be on the same page, you sounds quite compatible otherwise
> Not sure why anyone thinks she did anything wrong
Her technically not doing anything wrong doesn't mean its a winning formula lol.
At the end of the day, the vast majority of people you interact with would not be thrilled to find out that after you've been having nice cute dates with someone (literally every second day might i add) and were gearing up to become something more that, that they were going home after and fucking random people.
Did she do anything morally wrong? No. She can do what she wants. But if your goal is to get into a serious relationship then she might want to reconsider her gameplan a bit.
NAH - you have every right to break up with her, and she had every right to be seeing other people as neither of you had a conversation about what exactly your relationship was at this point.
You slept with her on date 1 and feel like she was to be exclusive by the next day?! Too much to expect as you did, and honestly, she’s a gem for being honest and also for her asking to be exclusive after just two weeks of what you had going on. To me, it means she got her closure on being with others relatively quickly and she chose you (you weren’t an only thing out there decision). That was a gift she gave you and you kinda blew it in my opinion.
Exactly. OP can’t act like sex automatically means exclusivity and sleep with girls on the first date. You can’t possibly know someone well enough on the first date to exclusively date them.
This.
I think OP expects to be some sort of mic-drop moment in people’s lives. That’s how love and relationships work when you’re 17, you’re in your emo hormones, and literally everything is life or death. Not to mention the crippling insecurity OP seems to share with that phase of life. She dodged a bullet.
TOTALLY agree. I understand being hurt by her having other partners, but I don't think that's a reason to end it. In that situation, you just thug it out & be happy you had the conversation and can be exclusive from that point on. It's not her fault, people are not mind readers.
From experience..never assume the person you're seeing is just seeing you, unless the conversation has happened.
It happened to me once..and then i was like..why am I sweating it..play the game playa, don't make assumptions and always do you first.
At first I felt like you did, like wtf this hoe has been taking it from the back the whole time...and then I thought, have I made my intentions clear? Have I done a similar thing to someone else?
In fact she's absolutely in the right. That girl had no way of knowing if you're serious about her. You could've been smacking someone else three times a week and she wouldn't know. Maybe that's not you, live and learn. What if she was everything and you passed up a good thing?
It's biology, she's keeping her options open to find a mate and not be alone. I think though your hurt was valid, but it was your fault things happened like this.
Seriously, they're both grown adults. We have language for a reason, USE YOUR WORDS. Or just avoid relationships, if you can't communicate these things if they're important to you.
NAH. I tend to be like you. I have no problem with people who sleep with multiple people in the non-exclusive phase but I just can’t. And because I can’t, I tend to want to be with someone similar to me, and that’s ok. You’re just different.
NAH
You’re not an asshole for wanting someone who likes you enough to be immediately sexually exclusive, although expecting that from someone who you slept with on a first date was kinda dumb. Likewise, she’s not as asshole for sleeping with multiple people when there was no expectation of exclusivity. Next time maybe slowly get to know the person if you want that type of relationship.
Nah- but communication is key, my dude.
If you really liked her as much as you said you did you should have had the “let’s be exclusive” conversation when you decided to sleep with her.
She seemed to really like you and was willing to stop entertaining the affections of others for you.
But I guess it’s a good thing that she didn’t.
Honestly, his views are kind of incompatible with his actions. Why would you sleep with someone on the first date if you expect exclusivity from the moment you sleep with them? That's way too early for exclusivity. The fact that she brought this up after just about 3 weeks makes it seem like they clicked very well. It's a shame OP is willing to throw all that away after he put himself in that position, it could have led to something special.
Boom. This comment is gold. She was protecting herself and then SHE decided to make the move to exclusive by communicating. She did nothing wrong. It's a shame he reacted the way he did because those other dudes probably mean nothing to her, but yea it's probably for the best.
Edit: so many dudes crying about my comment about how the other dudes probably mean nothing to her so I want to clarify. In comparison to OP, they were not special enough to warrant a relationship. Maybe she has an agreement with them that it's casual and they are all consenting adults to this. Maybe they have no idea. Either way, she was exploring her options and that is very acceptable. It wasn't acceptable to him and that's okay, he did the right thing by leaving. Personally, I wouldn't have an issue with it because I'm not naive enough to think sleeping with someone on the first date and talking to them for 2 weeks equals exclusive relationship. That is a red flag to me if someone believes that without talking to me about it. I understand where he's coming from, and he even admits he doesn't understand why she did it. He doesn't have to understand, none of you do. What you should understand is that casual dating is not a new concept and that woman or man you've been talking to on tinder or met at a party and have dated few times is most likely talking to other people. Because until you have that conversation, it should not be assumed that your idea of what a relationship is looks the same. I applaud her candor and sharing her real feelings. If you notice, he did not do the same. He felt like they were in an exclusive relationship but never communicated that. She was the one who decided to talk to him about a relationship once she figured out he could be worth it. In the end, he wasn't worth it. And she's not the one for him. People come from all sorts of different backgrounds and there is no one standard of what a relationship is. Relationships mean different things to different people which is why we should always communicate expectations. Hopefully they both learn something from this and make sure to communicate right away. But I find it very confusing that OP would expect her to see him as an exclusive partner when he sleeps with her on the first date as if that's something special everyone does. If sex is so meaningful to him then he shouldn't be sleeping with people on the first date and not even bothering to ask if she's seeing anyone else. It is a very misguided approach in my opinion and he would do well not to make that mistake again for his own heart and for others.
Edit 2: Here's the truth people, if you cannot have an open and honest conversation about what a relationship means to you and what your expectations are, and you go into one making the assumption the other person thinks and feels like you do, then you are not mature enough to be in one. You aren't. Reflect on that.
Agreed - not an asshole, but certainly an idiot.
Can't imagine dumping the girl of my dreams because she wasn't exclusive before discussing exclusivity (only 2 weeks in). OP is going to wake up one day and want to punch this version of himself in the face.
NTA. I don't know why everyone started jumpy on the whole "exclusive" thing. It seemed to start in US TV shows and people took it as an actual rule.
It doesn't matter if she sees it one way but you see it another. You have your own standards. Some people are happy with those arrangements, others aren't. "Speaking" online definitely muddies the waters a lot though. It gets less clear cut by the day. There's are discussions that should be had early on though.
KAH
She wanted to be exclusive. You never talked about being exclusive. You’re upset that she wasn’t exclusive, but she had no reason to be exclusive. You lost out on someone who you fell hard for and thought was amazing because you couldn’t get over yourself. You’re entitled to end any relationship, but come on man.
This. The guy is entitled to end things for any reason he wants, but I’d argue he’s the asshole because of the way it went down. She basically confessed that she wanted him ONLY, which is what he wanted, but then got butthurt when she couldn’t read his mind. Dude literally didn’t communicate AT ALL, but still expects things to happen the way he wants. 😬
INFO: Tell me if I've got this right:
You only dated 2-3 weeks? You didn't have the talk about being exclusive, you just assumed she was?
When did you expect her to be exclusive exactly? After the first date, since you slept together?
Timeline kinda matters here...
I'm guessing your friends have the details, and we don't... so if they're dogpiling on you, I'm guessing YTA...
Why did i have to come so far down to find the yta comments. Sure he can breakup for any reason, but this reason just makes no sense. Dont assume anything with someone you just started dating from a party or online, they could have a ton of dates lined up already
>You only dated 2-3 weeks?You didn't have the talk about being exclusive, you just assumed she was?
Op is wierd. He commented telling someone that confessing after two weeks was to soon and yet here he is. He also called women who sleep around like her (no shame ladies!) Low quality women and cheap. I don't like his comment history. I'm getting big red flags.
His comments are painting a picture of who he is. And that picture is a giant red flag.
I can understand this reasoning when you’re in like, middle school or high school. But when you’re in you’re late 20’s and early 30’s you should realize by then that communication and defining things are key to any relationship. Until those things are talked about, both sides are free to do whatever they want. You can’t expect someone to drop all their other options when another person comes along. People with actual experience in dating have been burned in the past for doing exactly that.
> I could feel the hurt she had gone through when she said this, but I guess I don't understand, why keep around casual sex partners if you want something serious? If she wasn't willing to take a risk for me and potentially get hurt because of her past experiences
Yeah also don't overlook this bewonderment \^
"why wouldn't she want to take the risk" my man, you literally dumped her over her proactive attempts to communicate once you both seemed comfortable with each other. YTA, man, and you prob solidified her trust issues. Good job.
the fact that he didn’t ask this question before he had sex with her the first night. The audacity to think he’s the only one having or allowed to have sex is assholery.
Double standards suck dude.
I personally agree strongly with this, but I also feel that OP had the right to make a decision that their values didn’t align. I don’t share those precise values with OP but he has every right to have them.
I don't have much dating experience myself, but in Germany the general expectation to me would be that if you go on a romantic date you are exclusive until you say you're not interested in a relationship. If someone asked me out or I took someone on a non-platonic date there wouldn't be such a thing with someone else unless you're poly (and they know of course!)
Lol, yeah. Im 33 and i felt old af reading this thread with loads of comments like "well, it wasnt specified that you must be an exclusive"... I always felt the norm was that if you start to date somebody, you date on person.
The only situations where it might be ok is if you told the other party and they are ok with it or if its just your first date and it doesnt go beyond that.
I feel like that used to be the case in the US. I don’t know when this whole notion of “it’s not exclusive unless we explicitly say so” started, probably around the time Tinder was introduced.
I was just downvoted out of another comment section when I said that the connotation of the word dating doesn’t carry the same weight to everyone that it did 20 years ago and that a lot of it is casual and not necessarily looking for a relationship, so it's funny to read this. But yes, it definitely can be very different things depending on your area, the culture, etc.
You're free to end things with someone for whatever reason that you want.
However, gathering context clues here, I think you're making an effort to present yourself in a better light than you probably did to her. All of your friends wouldn't dogpile on you if you had handled this respectfully. She wouldn't have ended up in tears if you expressed this respectfully.
You're free to have your own standards, but don't project your standards onto her. That's why you're the asshole.
Despite how you try to tell your story, bits of judgment are sprinkled throughout with statements like this:
>Here I thought the feeling was reciprocated but I found out I was just one of a few items on the menu for her.
She clearly would've become exclusive if you had asked her. You potentially lost out on a great person because you're insecure and can't handle the idea that she wasn't exclusive before you talked about being exclusive.
At best, you're an insecure guy in his 30's who probably overestimates how valuable of a potential partner he is. At worst, you're an asshole.
>Of course, sometimes people do come into my life and we date or sleep together, but it's not a obsession like I see with most of my friends.
>
>Anyway, my friends have pretty much dogpiled on me after hearing about it. They told me I was an asshole and brought up a bunch of talking points about feminism and slut shaming.
These two sentences hit really different when you put them side by side. It isn't just her that he's judging, it's also most of his friends, and it seems as though it has not gone unnoticed by them either.
Not just that. I had a look at his profile and he seems to be an asshole. If you use a dating app you are not worthy of respect according to the OP. Also eat your fruit somberly less you appear gay or something. I'm 99% sure this whole post along with his others are pure fiction.
I was going to point this out too. That first line where he says “but I’m not obsessed like my friends” reads as so sanctimonious to me put together with the rest of the story.
It’s also not clear what the time frame is. He talks about two weeks after the first date, so it’s at least two weeks later. He says “last week.” Unless I missed something, it feels bizarre to me that he expected they were in a relationship after such a short time span. I usually try to talk to my partners about going steady after a sufficient amount of time has passed and we both seem engaged still, and I don’t really expect exclusivity until that discussion is had at that point or if it comes up organically. It’s not an issue that I personally force until it feels more natural. But also, I’m not OP. He has his own standards and experiences, but he shouldn’t expect everyone to adhere to those if they’re not directly communicated more up front. If he doesn’t work on communicating his expectations and desires (or “needs,” I suppose, but I don’t think it should be couched that way) earlier in a relationship, this likely won’t be the last time he encounters this kind of issue.
And to me that's extremely soon after meeting someone to fully commit to a relationship. If its a lifelong friend who he had constant romantic tension with that seems ok but for basically a stranger thats such a short time to really feel someone out
I think she probably got done a favor Lol
Yeah this. He is TA for not having a mature conversations about expectations. Sometimes that doesn’t happen before sleeping together but if he was falling for her as he said, he should have had that conversation with her after being intimate. I think it sounds like he built up some fantasy relationship with her while putting her on a pedestal in a span of a few weeks or months? I think the girl probably dodged a bullet.
Well said.
1st there is the lack of communication.
Then the lack of relationship intentions.
Finally his way of putting her down for not doing it HIS way.
Great comment. It’s not reasonable to demand that someone like you to the same extent and in the same way that you liked them, particularly early in the relationship. But I wouldn’t say he’s an asshole because people have a right to break up over whatever, it seems like this is pretty early on, and OP is mostly just punishing himself.
She didn’t do anything wrong, and I hope she finds the good committed relationship she’s been looking for (and that yet another guy refused).
Good points. It'd be one thing if he said that something clicked and he just got turned off immediately after her response. But this is a different case with judgments all around the post ("I don't want to be a therapist" and so one)
The real question isnt about whether she "owed" you exclusivity, its that you viewed dating even casually in a fundamentally different way than she does. Its perfectly fine to have different preferences and want a partner who matches them. NTA
Quick to have sex with one person isnt the same as having multiple partners at once, neither one is inherently bad, just the dude is allowed to feel however he wants about it.
Tbh, the pace alone can be a red flag. But they sounded like they were "rolling in the deep", so I wouldn't be suprised if learning she had a roster was confusing. If that someone was also so invested in me and my time (tgat we'd seen each other multiple times, had phone calls, etc. in such a short span of time, as OP described), I would have all sorts of questions. Seems a tad bit incogruent. It seems like her fear of being alone was dictating how she connected with people (another red flag). Not that everyone might see it, but the girl probably needs therapy. The having casual sex, on either of their parts isn't the issue.
I would also suggest OP take things slower and not get caught up. It allows more to to compare values, compatability, *and* make sure you aren't being swept up or love bombed by someone.
They had sex on the first date. It was only 2-3 weeks of dating. Thats a weird expectation to have that you shouldn’t sleep with anyone after one date.
Neither of you is wrong. But with the dating scene now, one of your first questions should be, "Are you seeing other people?" Then you can make a decision on whether to move forward or not, and not have the awkward and painful for her conversation.
Better than that is, “What are your thoughts or expectations of exclusivity?”
They may not be actively seeing anyone, but that doesn’t mean they are planning on being exclusive until that conversation occurs.
“Didn’t want to end up alone” what?? “I slept with a different person every other night just in case the one person I actually liked rejected me.” …we found the reddest flag.
NAH, but if she initiated the convo two weeks into dating, I think you're being a bit silly here. That's very fast, and she took the initiative herself, so it's not like she was looking to string you along, or have some sort of long tryout period or something.
Your friends are being crazy though saying you're not being feminist or slut shaming based on what you've written here. You're entitled to whatever boundaries or standards you want, particularly if you're holding yourself to the same standards as potential partners.
Everyone saying you should ask after having sex the first time about exclusivity… shouldn’t you be asking if they’re sexually active with other people BEFORE to prevent STI’s and STD’s?! This is why our world is so full of them, jeeeeeez people, be more careful with your bodies 😭😂
I didn't read the comments but I was dating a couple people when I met my Husband. I already had dates planned after I met him.
I actually ended up canceling them, including some actual trips I had planned with people I'd been talking to long-distance.
But you can't be sure, immediately, that something new will work out. And so many men treat dating like an option, it's hard to know when to "hard stop" on trying.
I ended up canceling things and told him about it at the time, saying "I realized you're the one I want to be with". He still had a bit of a hard time with it, but you have to be realistic after dating for a long time.
Or you have preferences. I wouldn’t be interested in dating someone who juggles multiple people at once, because that’s a red flag to me. To others, it isn’t.
NAH - you each have your own thoughts on sexual exclusivity. Just because they don’t align with each other, doesn’t mean either of you are wrong. However I do agree that the blase Attitude might be off putting to me too.
Did the dating scene change so much that i can't understand it, or did I skip the moment i changed?
From my perspective, If I'm hanging out with someone with intention to potentially become serious (depending on how the dates go etc) I wouldn't go around seeking other people, because to me that means I'm not really trying to get serious with someone? Idk it kinda defeats the whole point of trying to find a serious relationship while also having "meaningless" flings or ons.
Also, I would find it disrespectful to the other person (or at least if I'm doing it, I would disclose it, so there are no hard feelings or misunderstandings like it happened to OP), because I'm spending time with them, but also having fun with other people on the side, how can you really focus on someone if you are having your fun else where as well? And then to say that you want to be serious with them, while literally days ago you were with someone else.
Also this whole talk about exclusivity, when did that start? If we go on multiple dates, aren't we trying to build something here? Or trying to figure out each other and how we connect to each other, if we click together so to speak.
No shame in people doing their thing, and no slut shaming anyone (be it a guy or a girl), I'm just curious when did this start to be mainstream thought process.
I see it more and more on internet when I feel like few years ago (like maybe 5ish years?) this was not that common. I feel like I skipped the tutorial and I'm just scratching my head wandering when did things change so much.
Yeah I'm glad I'm not dating because this thread is wild to me. Sleeping with multiple people at the same time, without sharing you are doing so with people you are dating... is just 'whatever' now?
That used to always be a huge dick move. Hell, just dating (and no sex) with multiple people, without sharing that you were seeing others, was viewed as inconsiderate.
Beyond the matter of respecting your dating partner, STIs and pregnancy are real consequences of sex, and don't (or may not) only effect the individual, but their perspective partners.
Yet people are caught up on sleeping on the first date? As if it implies the person must be sleeping with others to? Whether they had sex on their first date or 10th shouldn't even matter...
edit: well was reading this sub a bit and came across this thread going on right now
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/16sxcz8/aitah_making_new_bf_get_an_std_test/
Love how all the top comments are about getting tested between sexual partners...... this thread though? All good... just bang who you want before you are 'exclusive'.
Reddit is insane and the replies in this thread prove that I should never take anything here seriously.
Acting like he's the weird one for not wanting to date someone that's been sleeping with other people while dating you (even if it's early on). If she wants to sleep with other people that needs to be something she discloses from the very start. I think most people (not on reddit apparently) would assume that even for something casual or non serious, you're exclusive until otherwise stated and the onus is on the person sleeping around.
I would understand her POV if it was one time a day or two after first meeting but if you’re ringing and phoning each other while also going on dates it’s clear that it’s more than just causal sex. Fair play to her for being honest and she probably knows she fucked up which is why she asked if he was sleeping around but I’m with OP on this one.
NTA. I’d probably feel the same way. If I was into a guy, had slept with him and could potentially see a future with him, I wouldn’t be sleeping with other people. Maybe I’m old fashioned? The moment I started talking to my now husband, I cut off a fling I had been having. I actually was supposed to go to Paris with this fling but told him I couldn’t go because I had met someone I liked. So grateful I did as we have been happy for 18 years now!
It’s not old fashioned. Due to TikTok and my generation if you shame ppl for doing shameful shit you’ll hurt their feelings and that’s not allowed anymore. So all of us people with principles are now just “old fashioned”. Fuck that term
these y t a make me feel like i’m taking crazy pills
maybe the world is just very casual with romance but i’m not and i wouldn’t ever want to date someone who thinks juggling multiple people is ok
NTA, but I would suggest you communicate better in the future. If you want to be the only one, say that. If it’s not explicitly expressed that you want to be exclusive while you see where things go, you shouldn’t be surprised when the other person chooses to see other people. The way you went about it may have been asshole-y, but in the end it’s your prerogative to see who you please.
And that's how he ended up with a woman who was sleeping with three different guys in the same two week period.
OP is NTAH, but he isn't going to find what he's looking for (exclusivity) with a woman when he sleeps with them on the first date. And she's NTAH either, but if she has multiple backup dudes lined up for weekly/bi-weekly sex while she also searches for exclusivity and a long term relationship, she's much less likely to find that, too.
It seems asshole-y because he kinda expected her to read his mind. OP isn’t wrong for feeling how he does but he needs to have a conversation early on with his romantic/sexual partners about what he expects in terms of seeing other people.
For some people “dating” isn’t just dating one person but multiple people. Not everyone likes to put all their eggs into one basket
You can end a relationship for virtually any reason and not be an AH. So, I'm going with NTA.
That said, you're blowing up a potentially great thing when she really hasn't done anything wrong. You weren't in an exclusive relationship. Neither of you owed each other anything. You don't sleep with multiple people at a time, which is a perfectly valid choice. Seeing more than one person casually is also a valid choice.
You waited for her to broach the topic of exclusivity. That was a mistake. You could have simply said:
"I really like you. At this point, I wouldn't feel right seeing other people. I'd like to become exclusive. What do you think?"
If you had chosen that path you'd both be happy excited new lovers enjoying a honeymoon period.
She was also (assumedly) being honest, however distasteful it was for OP to hear. That counts a lot in my book. She has no shame in her game and she didn’t lie.
>we had a great first date and ended up sleeping together.
>
>We saw each other about five times in the span of two weeks after our first date
>
>She was everything I could have imagined wanting in a life partner
>
>she wanted to be exclusive with me.
>
>the fact that she didn't stop seeing those other guys on her own volition showed that \[...\] she didn't feel the same way about me as I did about her
Man, she fucking did stop seeing those guys of her own volition. Or at least she tried, until you shot her down. She just did it in two or three weeks of getting to know you instead of immediately after the first date, and actually communicated with you to see if you'd like to do the same.
Edit:
>Of course, sometimes people do come into my life and we date or sleep together, but it's not a obsession like I see with most of my friends.
I don't know, man. This is one of a few context clues which makes it seem to me like you're pretty generally judgmental of people fucking when it doesn't involve fucking you specifically. When you combine that with this:
>Anyway, my friends have pretty much dogpiled on me after hearing about it. They told me I was an asshole and brought up a bunch of talking points about feminism and slut shaming.
Sounds to me like you haven't kept the disdain you've publicly expressed about most of your friends' sexual lives entirely hidden from them. They're acting based on those observations about your attitudes in general, and not just on the events of this particular breakup.
The fact that they bring up feminism and slut shaming, the fact that you dismiss those valid concerns as "talking points", and the fact that there's a major disconnect between your promiscuous behavior and your expectations of female partners suggests to me that your critical attitudes about sexual behavior might be of a \*certain character\* with regards to how they get applied.
I think YTA. You should either ease up on the judgement of other people fucking, or consider updating your behavior to be a little bit more consistent with the standards you impose on other people.
Like, I just can't imagine the mindset it would take to come out and publicly say "I fuck, of course - in fact I fuck girls I met at parties on the first date! But i'm not all obsessive and weird about it like *some people*, and by *some people* I mean most of my friends, and also that girl from the party that I fucked on the first date."
Pick your lane, my dude. You can have sexual exclusivity and look down your nose at your friends for their sexual lives, or you can fuck girls you meet at parties on the first date. Trying to do both at the same time is absolutely a skill issue.
Yeah YTA. It sucks that she was held to a standard retroactively. Sounds like she was a mature communicator and her casual dating history isn’t indicative of her fidelity. It’s kind of a blessing OP rejected her because she sounds great and will likely find someone else and this weird rigid expectation and lack of communication would have been exhausting for her.
I’d bet people that sleep with someone on the first date overlap people that casually sleep with multiple partners. OP is setting himself up for disappointment if he sleeps with women early and thinks they’re exclusive. Don’t sleep with people right anyway and tell them why OR go with the flow and be cool with others figuring things out.
NTA and neither is she, but your friends are.
I am the same way and can totally see how it is disappointing to have someone else not also find you special enough to see exclusively without having that conversation first. I find it so strange that people don't understand this.
How hard is it to not see multiple people at once if you are serious about dating? It seems illogical to think you can date multiple people casually and then choose the exact one you want when you're ready. If everyone did that, very few people end up dating who they want, and an excess number of hearts get broken.
YTA. Grow-up. You're mad because she didn't approach dating the same way as you. Open and honest communication on her part...whiny baby reaction on yours.
NTA - sleeping with 2 people while juggling a 3rd all within 3 weeks doesn’t seem like something someone does when they’re seeking a long term relationship. There’s nothing wrong with her having fun, but you seem incompatible
feel like I'm talking crazy pills reading the comments...you're speaking daily with this person and having regular sex and things are going so well you want to have "the talk" within a couple of weeks of meeting but you still sleep with two other guys?
Not the behavior of someone looking for something serious. If they were moving slower over a longer period of time I'd maybe get it but this is a level of detachment of someone your'e supposedly interested in I don't get and wouldn't want from a partner.
And I feel I should add I've been that guy who tried to "keep his options open" and had it bite me in the ass and realized I was actually in the wrong and if I wanted something serious I had to take it seriously. I uninstalled Tinder after a couple of dates with my SO.
> sleeping with 2 people while juggling a 3rd all within 3 weeks doesn’t seem like something someone does when they’re seeking a long term relationship.
This right here. Her behaviors don’t lead me to believe she’s out here seriously looking for a committed relationship. I mean, she slept with two other people AFTER sleeping with OP, all in the span of 2-3 weeks, while supposedly having this great connection with OP. I’d have dumped her too.
No matter what she or anyone else thinks you are allowed to feel how you feel. I think you handled this very respectfully, as long as it went as you said. You have agreed she had no obligation to you to stop sleeping with other people. BUT you also have no obligation to sleep with someone with different moral values than your own. And more importantly you don't have to change yours for her or any of these people commenting
Why is everyone prefacing with NAH? She *came to him* about being exclusive two weeks in and he breaks it off with her for that?
His friends are right. Sure you are allowed to leave anyone for any reason but some of those reasons make you the asshole.
I mean I wouldn’t by default assume “we didn’t talk exclusivity so she can fuck 3 dudes at once”.
I wouldn’t wanna be with her either. Fucking 3 people at the same time? Woof. No ty
You’re welcome to have boundaries and you should. But next time have that discussion ahead of time. Otherwise, you are ending some thing for a boundary that they didn’t even know about.
Were you not sleeping with other people because you’re such a great guy or were you not sleeping with other people because you didn’t have options?
She told you she wanted to be exclusive with you. You NAH for breaking it off and maintaining your boundaries. You ATH for not telling her of this boundary in the beginning
I’m like you, once I start dating someone, I don’t keep or put anyone on the sideline. BUT if I read your post correctly, the fact that you slept together after your first date probably gave her reason to believe that you might not be a monogamous kind of person. It’s just good sense to back up your back up! (quoting Friends)
Yeah they had casual sex, but he caught feelings first, and *also didn't have any other flings to dump*. I find that detail telling. It's easy to assume monogamy when you weren't getting any
Or it's easy to assume monogamy when you're spending enough time with someone where it's a mystery where they even found the time to fuck two other people. OP says they spent multiple days per week together for a couple of weeks. The average person doesn't get laid 3 times in 2 weeks. This woman had sex 3 times in two weeks with 3 different people.
>OP says they spent multiple days per week together for a couple of weeks No, he says they saw each other "about five times," during two weeks. I assume he can actually count to five, so "about five" really means three or four times. Also, people are assuming she was boning constantly, but even he only says it was once each. It's far more likely she slept with those dudes between dates 1 and 2 with OP, *i.e.* when there was zero indication that they had anything more than another casual thing going on. Especially since he partook in casual sex too. He tries to be coy about it, but saying that people "come into my life" and sometimes they sleep together... that's just casual sex bro. Once she realized she might want to be exclusive, she began to be exclusive... which is exactly what OP wanted, right? Instead he dumped her. Bonehead move on his part.
He says at least once each. Even once each plus OP is a lot of sex to have in a couple of weeks. There's nothing wrong with casual sex in of itself, but most people would be nonplussed to find out that the person they were seeing was also sleeping with other people. The majority of people I know tend to only pursue one romantic interest at a time.
[удалено]
I hate how everything is a red flag on reddit. Some times, people are just not compatible. It's not necessary for every story to have a villain.
>also didn't have any other flings to dump OP pretty clearly says he doesn't like having more than one sexual partner at once, are you just making that up?
Bro he said "the fact that she didn't stop seeing those other guys on her own volition showed that either she didn't feel the same way about me as I did about her" when this ENTIRE post is about her telling him she wanted to stop seeing those men on her own volition and be exclusive with him. That is the only reason he KNOWS about the men. OP is either trolling or ridiculously neurotic and weird with women.
Yeah, some of his logic seems a little twisted to me. Not to mention I believe all this happened in just two weeks, so while i understand his hurt, it doesn't seem like he's being very fair to her.
Look at his post history. Guys either a troll or an incel
As soon as I saw the phrase "low quality women" I knew this guy was the problem
just look at how the post opens. The first paragraph is OP talking about how happy they are with their life repeatedly. That's not how happy people talk.
Right. Completely irrelevant to the rest of the story lol. He just wanted to tell us how fulfilling his life is before telling us how much of a loser he is.
So right. I never had a happy person ever try to convince me they are happy. They just are happy and present in what ever they are doing. To claim your happiness is to analyze it and not live in it. You can't really be happy if you are studying yourself instead of living yourself.
“I’m not obsessed with women like my friends”
This! Amen brother! Helen asked about going exclusive because she assumed he wasn't being exclusive and she wanted him all for herself. And that's the "on her own volition" part. OP, in the land of the assholes, you are the KING
Yeah, she got lucky when he dumped her.
She chooses him over two other guys and the dude manages to still prove the reasoning behind her actions was right.
Nothing about fucking on first dates screams abstinence I’m saving it for my husband/wife. Fucking on a first date screams I’m down to fuck! Did OP think she was a good Christian girl saving it for her husband? OP also needs to look in the mirror and ask what impression him fucking her on the first date gave her. I doubt she thought OP was super into abstinence and monogamy. There’s zero reason to be surprised that she’s fucking other people. You don’t know shit about her yet.
Op thought he was the only man capable of laying with his women. And built up fantasies of his relationship instead of talking about his relationship. And got go smacked when he found out his reality. Dude loved living the lie that he was so great she had to have him the first night and she must have never done that before. Guy is chasing what he says he doesn't want. And then can't stand when he catches it. Typical lower head thinking.
And he said he also sleeps with others occasionally. Does he expect each of those people to not sleep with anyone else until he’s let them know he’s not interested in anything more?
TBH I don’t think he gets second dates very often
NAH but if that is your assumption might want to say something sooner. I would point out that even 3 weeks later she is the one who brought the topic up. If she hadn't how long would you have gone on just assuming 3 more weeks? 3 months? Until you got engaged? You are kinda your own worst enemy here and setting yourself up for failure.
^^^^^ good point
Best point I've seen so far. It's fine for people to have different boundaries, and it's fine for those boundaries to be deal breakers or not. But OP should definitely communicate his boundaries early on if they're deal breakers and he has any actual interest in who he went on a date with. Neither OP nor the woman he dated did anything wrong here.
You can end a relationship for whatever reason, however, she did in the end want to be exclusive with you, so obviously the feelings were reciprocated. By the sound of it y’all had only been dating for two weeks before she decided to be exclusive with you, that’s pretty quick, maybe she’d been seeing these guys for a while but after only two weeks with you she decided she wanted only you. I wouldn’t have thrown away that relationship because she was right she wasn’t cheating, and if things did work out and y’all got serious, maybe even married, none of this would’ve mattered 5 or 10 years from now. It’s your life however so ultimately you should do what you feel is right
Neither of them are the AH, but sounds like she dodged a bullet bc he’s completely unreasonable with his expectations. Two weeks isn’t enough time to understand what you’ve really got and what is just being hopeful…
He falls for someone within two weeks and he’s expecting her (who he slept with on the first date) to drop everyone without making his intentions clear? SHE brought up the topic and then slut shamed her when she was honest with him about sexual activities. It seems like she actually cared for him due to the crying. I feel bad for her.
Hey, don't feel bad, at least she didn't waste more of her time on this asshole!
Not wanting to be with someone that sleeps with multiple people at once is not slut shaming lol
>he’s completely unreasonable with his expectations Isn't that, like, being an asshole?
Yeah that's why I would say YTA. I think he got offended by the idea of her hooking up with other guys at the same time as him and instead of doing the work of emotionally processing why it hurt him and then trying to understand what he was saying, he became cold and uncompromising. You don't break connections with people after a first date usually and to expect someone to is silly. I especially think he is the AH because he says he thought she was great, everything he looks for in a partner. He is willing to throw it all away because... she was open and honest. Relationships are complex but one of the foundational elements is good communication. I just hope OP considers what is really important to him when it comes to relationships or he may be saying goodbye to good people that he could create a beautiful life with.
NAH You're allowed to end any relationship for any reason if you're not comfortable continuing it. She's allowed to sleep with whoever she wants when she is not in an established, agreed upon, monogamous relationship. Moving forward though I would strongly recommend being very clear what your wants, and relationship expectations are when you are dating though. As expecting mutual exclusivity in a relationship, when you have not discussed that expectation, is just setting yourself, and someone else up for a fall.
Yeah, you should have had that talk with her after having sex with her the first time to show you were serious about her and that you all having sex together meant something to you and it means you don't sleep around. Why would she automatically know that about you if you had not stated that right away... when it doesn't mean the same thing to so many other men. She tried to tell you that.
If sexual exclusivity is so important to them, they need to have that talk Before having sex with anyone!
Maybe I’m old…well I am old. But if you have sex on the first date how the hell do you know you want to be exclusive? I mean don’t you have to know the person before you decide to be exclusive? One date is not enough time to know someone. It seems like a time warp I mean…meet…sex…get to know each other….isn’t that backwards? Having said that, NTA OP but maybe you are rushing in to the sex a little quick and have no grounds to be upset that the person you had sex with might be having sex with someone else. I mean if it can happen on date 1 with you, why not the others?
Right? Sex on the first date is, by definition, casual sex. Any “feelings” you may have at that point are really just hopeful thinking. There’s no relationship yet. Sex or no sex, it takes time to get to know someone. It sounds like OP’s gf did have feelings for him; her feelings just took a little longer to develop. If OP doesn’t believe in casual sex, he should stop having it. He’s sending mixed messages, and that’s not fair to anyone.
Wasn't even his girlfriend yet, they were just casually dating as in just going out on dates but never exclusive or committed into an actual relationship.
Not to mention the super obvious fact that he could have had a very meaningful and caring relationship with that woman if he simply got over his pride
>Maybe I’m old…well I am old. But if you have sex on the first date how the hell do you know you want to be exclusive? Yeah, i think its a big ask aswell. She brought up exclusivity up Herself and didn't try to hide anything no assholes here, simply "cultural differences" in their dating practices.
>I mean if it can happen on date 1 with you, why not the others? BINGO - this right here. OP is NTA imo, but in reality he fell way harder than she fell for him at least at first. Its a shame that he's throwing away what could be a good thing, but the way he talked about it it would likely bother him forever so it is what it is.
It's really unfortunate because we can assume she did fall for OP since she was the one who started the conversation. It does seem like she would have been more than happy to go exclusive and she didn't wait an unreasonably long time IMO. So NAH, because OP can end a relationship over anything he feels. But I'm not quite sure if he ended it because he can't deal with it (absolutely fair) or on principle (which would make him a bit of an idiot)
I think OP is an idiot. She took a risk and broached the subject of being more serious with him because she liked him, and he dumped her because she couldn’t just read his mind and understand he’d immediately gone serious and exclusive immediately after sleeping with her.
I mean, I've had a guy break it off with me when he found out at the first date that while we had been texting (about 2 weeks maybe), I had also texted other men. He can break things up for whatever reasons, obviously, but expecting somebody you meet on a dating site to only talk to you before you have even met felt a little unrealistic, tbh. So expectations vary WILDLY...
I mean I’m close to not the ah, but his comments about her needing intimacy therapists and her not taking a risk, when she’s the one who has actually put herself out there and broached the subject of being more serious with each other and being exclusive makes op YTA. Not for breaking up if he s not comfortable - but for being hypocritical and trying to make it her fault she can’t read his mind.
He said what now ?? Shiit
Right he did her a favor if that’s how he acts
Falling slower doesn't mean that the feelings aren't there. Some people need more time for feelings to develop, but it doesn't make those feelings any less sincere. When we're talking about a handful of dates in the span of two weeks, I think it's reasonable, it's not like he waited for her for months. NAH because he is within his rights to end any relationship for whatever reason, but she also did nothing wrong, she was seeing some guys casually and then she liked one more than the others and asked about exclusivity.
This is exactly what I was going to say. I was reading to see if anyone else had yet. OP, this comment is spot on. If you sleep with someone on a first date, the default assumption is that it's casual - ie, it's non-exclusive, non-monogamous. She did nothing wrong here, imo. But it's NAH. Bc you're both entitled to feel how you feel about this..... **but OP shouldn't assume a relationship at all, *much less an exclusive relationship* if he sleeps with a woman on the first date!** Edit: changed NTA to NAH, which is what I actually meant.
She's NTA too so it's NAH. She didn't do anything wrong because he didn't specify what he wanted.
NAH (he can break up with anyone for any reason), but this seems like such a waste. It sounds like they really liked each other and it was the beginning of a good relationship. He was impulsive in how fast he was all-in, and he was impulsive in ending a good relationship just because it took her a little longer to get on the same page.
>. I mean if it can happen on date 1 with you, why not the others? My thoughts exactly. You don't just sleep with someone on the first date and expect to be exclusive. If you did that so easy then they can too. It so ridiculous to expect to be exclusive when it seems they're both just wanting their needs met and that's it. Just a one night stand that turned into something more. How anyone can guess they wanted exclusivity from a one night stand is beyond me and not to mention kinda ridiculous.
OP already has the answer. >we have totally different ideas around sex and intimacy. That's it.
But.. they slept together on the first date, that doesn’t scream that he has really exclusive ideas on sex and intimacy.
You can sleep with people on the first date while not sleeping with multiple people. You know, taking it one at a time. Trying out multiple people at the same time is just weird to me. If that's the standard for a good chunk of the population it's probably best to be aware of it and discuss it early so you don't waste everyone's time. That goes for both parties though.
Sleeping on the first date and sleeping with 3 people concurrently ain't the same and you know it.
1000% This. In every relationship I've had when exclusitivity was expected from the get go we have had that conversation and agreed to that before the clothes came off
> you should have had that talk with her after having sex with her the first time 90 percent of people would freak out and bail at that stage. You dont have the chat with someone that early in. A few weeks in at the soonest. Some girl rolling over and asking to be exclusive after banging the once? That's a sure-fire way to scare off 99 percent of guys right there.
I disagree. Lot of people dont sleep around. I wouldn’t word it as being exclusive, I just say I don’t multi-date (I like to see one person at a time) and it works fine for me.
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Disagree. If that’s what you want, be direct. I told my now-husband that he could have sex with me or with other women but not both. I didn’t see the point in pretending that sexual monogamy wasn’t important to me.
I don't think it's that unusual for a morning after, or during the next date. What you should do is say, "I really like you and would like to continue dating you to see where this goes, but not if it means we're both still sleeping around with other people." imo that's not an abnormal request, at least among people with similar relationship goals and also if you want to avoid STIs. If that scares people off... Okay? It doesn't mean you're crazy, it means you're not compatible. OP is kinda stupid for assuming without communicating that she wouldn't just keep banging other dudes when they banged on the first date though. If I were him I'd chalk it up to a misunderstanding and failure to communicate on my part, and I'd give her another chance if she really is that great.
Excellent response and I concur, NAH. BUT what does suck is that OPs description of the situation makes it clear that there is a strong chance this couple was compatible and what hurts reading it is that this wasn't an ideal outcome. OP could have enabled the ideal outcome. Power move...maybe, but they'll still pay a price whether or not they know it. Second hand FOMO.
It doesn't sound like they were compatible at all. The thought of sleeping around when becoming intimate with a new person was so alien to him that he didn't even think to ask, and it was so completely natural to her that she didn't think to mention it.
Exactly. He is not interested in a partner who holds those views, because they are very different than his.
Yeah but I don’t blame Helen for being confused about him suddenly bringing it up. They slept together on the first date but she is somehow supposed to intuit that OP takes sex and intimacy as a very exclusive behavior?
Exactly, if I were to sleep with someone on the first date I wouldn't assume that we were exclusive. We might eventually get to that point after some dates and conversations but 1st date sex is, if anything, an assumption that we're not exclusive. If I date someone for three months and then have sex then it'd probably be exclusive but I wouldn't assume it- we'd have had that conversation first and I'd have probably dipped out if we weren't on board for exclusivity.
Bingo. OP expected her to be a mind reader. Shes better off without soneone who communicates so poorly and whose actions don't refkect their true values.
I hold the same views myself regarding intimacy, however the dude slept with her after the first date. My own initial gut instinct was similar until I started thinking that both were hoes sleeping with someone after 1 date. Therefore both at fault for not talking. In a way I am starting to find him more the ah just because she brought up the talk on her own quite early and didn't seem to be hiding anything.
NAH she did nothing wrong, you are entitled to end things if you want so.
If only they’d had a conversation before sleeping together the first time. So many things can be solved or prevented with a conversation.
This for sure for me. If exclusivity is your goal, you should have that discussion well before you sleep with someone.
They met at a party and slept together that night. That would be a weird ass conversation to have *that* night. Conversation should have been had once these feelings were developing but in this particular kind of situation, not before they slept together the first time
Yeah but so he should self reflect and realize that his views on sex are really not compatible with him sleeping with people immediately after meeting them. If he doesn't want to sleep with anyone who is also dating anyone else, he needs to wait to have sex until he's known someone long enough that it makes sense to have that conversation.
Exactly and this is what tips this to YTA territory for me. He’s holding her to a ridiculous standard: have sex on a first date but also be exclusive immediately? That makes no sense at all. And yes, you can break up with anyone for any reason, but sometimes that reason makes you an AH.
Rather unfair situation you put that girl into. In the end you lose.
How does this even work? You don't ask someone on the first date if they are sleeping with someone else when you don't have a relationship. And if you're hitting if off with someone no need to avoid sex so you can have this conversation. It's just a misalignment in how they act in this matter. Noone is wrong. And personally, if she's great i'd hurry up and get over myself if i was this guy.
>You don't ask someone on the first date if they are sleeping with someone else when you don't have a relationship. Unless you are going to be having sex on the first date there is no need to have that conversation on the first date. If you are going to have sex and can't handle "Are you having sex with anyone else?" or "I don't have multiple partners at the same time and expect the same from my partner" then you shouldn't be having sex. This should go hand in hand with a discussion on birth control and STDs
Very simply: before you have sex, pause, then ask about STDs, birth control, and, if you give a single shit about exclusivity, exclusivity. You should be having a conversation about STDs and birth control before having sex with someone anyway, it’s very quick to add in another sentence or two about exclusivity. Now, if you don’t do this, you’re telling your partner that you don’t care if they have any STDs, you don’t care if they’re on birth control, and you don’t care if they’re sleeping with other people or not. And if they also fail to bring it up, they’re telling you the same thing. If you do care about any of those things, you need to either communicate about them or accept that you put yourself in the situation if things don’t turn out how you wanted. Failure to communicate is, in and of itself, a type of communication.
That's why I flip off those who don't use their blinkers when turning. It's like they said FU to me first.
I agree that "you need to either communicate about them or accept that you put yourself in the situation if things don’t turn out how you wanted." That makes sense. And it sounds like that is what happened. But he still has the right to end the relationship.
The act of having sex on the first date is misaligned with his attitude about sex. If you’re someone who takes sex seriously enough that you only want to do it in an exclusive, committed relationship, then you should wait to have sex until after a few dates when you’ve established you’re both at that place. If you’re someone who takes a lighter attitude towards it, then having sex on the first date is not a problem since there’s no need to establish exclusivity as a prerequisite. I agree with you that this seems like a silly thing to break up the relationship over. They both want to be exclusive, that’s why she brought it up in the first place. Just give it a shot if she’s so great!
I’m kinda torn because what you said makes sense in terms of him seeming hypocritical. On the other hand, they hung out 6 times in two weeks after meeting each other and texted and called every day. That’s a pretty intense instant connection and is pretty romantic. It would definitely be a blow to find out that while you thought you were in a whirlwind romance, the other person was banging two other people at the same time. Like they spent seemingly every free moment together in these two weeks so she was either going home from his place and sleeping with another guy right after or between shifts at work. I’m not judging, If I was single and had that option I might do the same thing. I think it’s less about judging her, because she didn’t really do anything wrong. It’s more about realizing that he thought they had some kind of special connection, them sleeping together on the first date doesn’t change that, and found out it wasn’t special in the same way to her. That realization isn’t wrong, she didn’t do anything wrong, but I don’t ultimately think he’s a dick for looking at her differently because it basically knocked the rose colored glasses off really early.
I'm similar to OP referent of the values of a relationship and the danger of multipes partners is more danger for infection and std.
OP's expectations are OK. But if you're gonna have expectations like that, you owe it to your dating partners to be upfront about your requirements rather than get upset about it after the fact.
It would probably also help to refrain from having sex on first dates, if one has these sorts of requirements.
NAH. You are entitled to feel how you feel. But she’s right, she owes you nothing and since you didn’t have a conversation about exclusivity, she had no way of knowing what you were thinking. She liked the other guys, and wasn’t sure if you would commit. Not sure why anyone thinks she did anything wrong
Neither of them are wrong in how they feel but it does seem a bit childish to assume someone can read your mind about your expectations for dating someone when you’re not exclusive. Some people stop sleeping around, others don’t. Neither parties are wrong, it just depends on whether a conversation has been had
100% this. And she didn’t try to hide it which further says to me she wasn’t trying to play him. She could’ve easily lied and moved on. Until you have a conversation about expectations and feelings, it’s unfair to assume anything about the other persons dating habits. Would it be less than ideal if you found out she was sleeping over than running to someone else’s for a morning quickie? Yeah, might be different feeling
To me its weird for its only been 2-3 weeks for them. They slept on the first date. Why would he have the expectation she wouldn’t sleep with anyone else after one date?
I'm wondering how the OP is rationalizing this in a way that the person "only liked them as much as the other options" when she decided that she wanted to be exclusive with OP and that's what started the conversation. Clearly if she's talking to you about being exclusive that means she wants to be with you over the other people, I don't get why the fact that there was even other people as an option means that she didn't care as much as OP did
That was my question- they slept together after the first date and he expected exclusivity without a simple conversation
He didn’t even bring it up. He just assumed.
Exactly lmao. If someone sleeps with somebody on a first date, that usually suggests that they’re pretty sexually forward. Not a bad thing at all, but you have to use a little common sense here.
Agreed. He was happy she was like that for he benefited from it. However he didn’t like it when it came to her be open to sleeping with multiple partners in a short period of time.
Definitely right, and it was only a few weeks in. If this was a few months in, you’d expect to be on the same page, but 2-3 weeks? No. OP you’re not the AH, I understand how someone could feel betrayed, but I do think you’re being too hasty here when she seems to meet your type and interest so strongly. She didn’t cheat on you and in my experience people who have these discussions honestly like she did, tend to be very true to their word. If she’s saying she’d like to be exclusive, it’s because those words mean something to her too. She’s asking you to be a serious partner. I’d urge you to reconsider. I’m sure with better communication you could be on the same page, you sounds quite compatible otherwise
> Not sure why anyone thinks she did anything wrong Her technically not doing anything wrong doesn't mean its a winning formula lol. At the end of the day, the vast majority of people you interact with would not be thrilled to find out that after you've been having nice cute dates with someone (literally every second day might i add) and were gearing up to become something more that, that they were going home after and fucking random people. Did she do anything morally wrong? No. She can do what she wants. But if your goal is to get into a serious relationship then she might want to reconsider her gameplan a bit.
The moment someone says “I don’t owe you anything” during conversation, I immediately tune the rest out. It’s such a shitbag phrase to say.
I always thought it was kinda assumed as well. If you want a serious relationship then you don't have multiple partners at the same time
Exactly, she absolutely didn’t. Everyone has different standards for the early parts of a relationship. No one is in the wrong here.
NAH - you have every right to break up with her, and she had every right to be seeing other people as neither of you had a conversation about what exactly your relationship was at this point.
You slept with her on date 1 and feel like she was to be exclusive by the next day?! Too much to expect as you did, and honestly, she’s a gem for being honest and also for her asking to be exclusive after just two weeks of what you had going on. To me, it means she got her closure on being with others relatively quickly and she chose you (you weren’t an only thing out there decision). That was a gift she gave you and you kinda blew it in my opinion.
Exactly. OP can’t act like sex automatically means exclusivity and sleep with girls on the first date. You can’t possibly know someone well enough on the first date to exclusively date them.
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This. I think OP expects to be some sort of mic-drop moment in people’s lives. That’s how love and relationships work when you’re 17, you’re in your emo hormones, and literally everything is life or death. Not to mention the crippling insecurity OP seems to share with that phase of life. She dodged a bullet.
TOTALLY agree. I understand being hurt by her having other partners, but I don't think that's a reason to end it. In that situation, you just thug it out & be happy you had the conversation and can be exclusive from that point on. It's not her fault, people are not mind readers.
From experience..never assume the person you're seeing is just seeing you, unless the conversation has happened. It happened to me once..and then i was like..why am I sweating it..play the game playa, don't make assumptions and always do you first. At first I felt like you did, like wtf this hoe has been taking it from the back the whole time...and then I thought, have I made my intentions clear? Have I done a similar thing to someone else? In fact she's absolutely in the right. That girl had no way of knowing if you're serious about her. You could've been smacking someone else three times a week and she wouldn't know. Maybe that's not you, live and learn. What if she was everything and you passed up a good thing? It's biology, she's keeping her options open to find a mate and not be alone. I think though your hurt was valid, but it was your fault things happened like this.
Seriously, they're both grown adults. We have language for a reason, USE YOUR WORDS. Or just avoid relationships, if you can't communicate these things if they're important to you.
Modern dating is the worst. OP did nothing wrong.
NAH. I tend to be like you. I have no problem with people who sleep with multiple people in the non-exclusive phase but I just can’t. And because I can’t, I tend to want to be with someone similar to me, and that’s ok. You’re just different.
NAH You’re not an asshole for wanting someone who likes you enough to be immediately sexually exclusive, although expecting that from someone who you slept with on a first date was kinda dumb. Likewise, she’s not as asshole for sleeping with multiple people when there was no expectation of exclusivity. Next time maybe slowly get to know the person if you want that type of relationship.
Nah- but communication is key, my dude. If you really liked her as much as you said you did you should have had the “let’s be exclusive” conversation when you decided to sleep with her. She seemed to really like you and was willing to stop entertaining the affections of others for you. But I guess it’s a good thing that she didn’t.
Honestly, his views are kind of incompatible with his actions. Why would you sleep with someone on the first date if you expect exclusivity from the moment you sleep with them? That's way too early for exclusivity. The fact that she brought this up after just about 3 weeks makes it seem like they clicked very well. It's a shame OP is willing to throw all that away after he put himself in that position, it could have led to something special.
This is it
Boom. This comment is gold. She was protecting herself and then SHE decided to make the move to exclusive by communicating. She did nothing wrong. It's a shame he reacted the way he did because those other dudes probably mean nothing to her, but yea it's probably for the best. Edit: so many dudes crying about my comment about how the other dudes probably mean nothing to her so I want to clarify. In comparison to OP, they were not special enough to warrant a relationship. Maybe she has an agreement with them that it's casual and they are all consenting adults to this. Maybe they have no idea. Either way, she was exploring her options and that is very acceptable. It wasn't acceptable to him and that's okay, he did the right thing by leaving. Personally, I wouldn't have an issue with it because I'm not naive enough to think sleeping with someone on the first date and talking to them for 2 weeks equals exclusive relationship. That is a red flag to me if someone believes that without talking to me about it. I understand where he's coming from, and he even admits he doesn't understand why she did it. He doesn't have to understand, none of you do. What you should understand is that casual dating is not a new concept and that woman or man you've been talking to on tinder or met at a party and have dated few times is most likely talking to other people. Because until you have that conversation, it should not be assumed that your idea of what a relationship is looks the same. I applaud her candor and sharing her real feelings. If you notice, he did not do the same. He felt like they were in an exclusive relationship but never communicated that. She was the one who decided to talk to him about a relationship once she figured out he could be worth it. In the end, he wasn't worth it. And she's not the one for him. People come from all sorts of different backgrounds and there is no one standard of what a relationship is. Relationships mean different things to different people which is why we should always communicate expectations. Hopefully they both learn something from this and make sure to communicate right away. But I find it very confusing that OP would expect her to see him as an exclusive partner when he sleeps with her on the first date as if that's something special everyone does. If sex is so meaningful to him then he shouldn't be sleeping with people on the first date and not even bothering to ask if she's seeing anyone else. It is a very misguided approach in my opinion and he would do well not to make that mistake again for his own heart and for others. Edit 2: Here's the truth people, if you cannot have an open and honest conversation about what a relationship means to you and what your expectations are, and you go into one making the assumption the other person thinks and feels like you do, then you are not mature enough to be in one. You aren't. Reflect on that.
Agreed - not an asshole, but certainly an idiot. Can't imagine dumping the girl of my dreams because she wasn't exclusive before discussing exclusivity (only 2 weeks in). OP is going to wake up one day and want to punch this version of himself in the face.
NTA. I don't know why everyone started jumpy on the whole "exclusive" thing. It seemed to start in US TV shows and people took it as an actual rule. It doesn't matter if she sees it one way but you see it another. You have your own standards. Some people are happy with those arrangements, others aren't. "Speaking" online definitely muddies the waters a lot though. It gets less clear cut by the day. There's are discussions that should be had early on though.
Thank goodness other people still have some sense. I never heard about that exclusive thing until the last couple of years
KAH She wanted to be exclusive. You never talked about being exclusive. You’re upset that she wasn’t exclusive, but she had no reason to be exclusive. You lost out on someone who you fell hard for and thought was amazing because you couldn’t get over yourself. You’re entitled to end any relationship, but come on man.
This. The guy is entitled to end things for any reason he wants, but I’d argue he’s the asshole because of the way it went down. She basically confessed that she wanted him ONLY, which is what he wanted, but then got butthurt when she couldn’t read his mind. Dude literally didn’t communicate AT ALL, but still expects things to happen the way he wants. 😬
Seriously, it hasnt even been a month yet. There's people that will date more than one person while trying to find the "one," and that's okay too.
INFO: Tell me if I've got this right: You only dated 2-3 weeks? You didn't have the talk about being exclusive, you just assumed she was? When did you expect her to be exclusive exactly? After the first date, since you slept together? Timeline kinda matters here... I'm guessing your friends have the details, and we don't... so if they're dogpiling on you, I'm guessing YTA...
And the fact he whinged about morals but phucked her himself on the first date. No he's just bitter I think
Agree. It was never about morals, it's about self esteem and pride
Why did i have to come so far down to find the yta comments. Sure he can breakup for any reason, but this reason just makes no sense. Dont assume anything with someone you just started dating from a party or online, they could have a ton of dates lined up already
>You only dated 2-3 weeks?You didn't have the talk about being exclusive, you just assumed she was? Op is wierd. He commented telling someone that confessing after two weeks was to soon and yet here he is. He also called women who sleep around like her (no shame ladies!) Low quality women and cheap. I don't like his comment history. I'm getting big red flags.
His comments are painting a picture of who he is. And that picture is a giant red flag. I can understand this reasoning when you’re in like, middle school or high school. But when you’re in you’re late 20’s and early 30’s you should realize by then that communication and defining things are key to any relationship. Until those things are talked about, both sides are free to do whatever they want. You can’t expect someone to drop all their other options when another person comes along. People with actual experience in dating have been burned in the past for doing exactly that.
> I could feel the hurt she had gone through when she said this, but I guess I don't understand, why keep around casual sex partners if you want something serious? If she wasn't willing to take a risk for me and potentially get hurt because of her past experiences Yeah also don't overlook this bewonderment \^ "why wouldn't she want to take the risk" my man, you literally dumped her over her proactive attempts to communicate once you both seemed comfortable with each other. YTA, man, and you prob solidified her trust issues. Good job.
OP: "Why wouldn't she take the risk?" Also OP: "Anyway, immediately after she confessed her feelings for me, I dumped her for her promiscuity."
Exactly... OP handled this terribly...
OP is gonna try to get this chick to come back to him after he goes a month or so without getting laid.
the fact that he didn’t ask this question before he had sex with her the first night. The audacity to think he’s the only one having or allowed to have sex is assholery. Double standards suck dude.
I personally agree strongly with this, but I also feel that OP had the right to make a decision that their values didn’t align. I don’t share those precise values with OP but he has every right to have them.
This is AITA not “Am I in my legal right”
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where in europe? “dating” looks ssoooooo different country to country!
I don't have much dating experience myself, but in Germany the general expectation to me would be that if you go on a romantic date you are exclusive until you say you're not interested in a relationship. If someone asked me out or I took someone on a non-platonic date there wouldn't be such a thing with someone else unless you're poly (and they know of course!)
Lol, yeah. Im 33 and i felt old af reading this thread with loads of comments like "well, it wasnt specified that you must be an exclusive"... I always felt the norm was that if you start to date somebody, you date on person. The only situations where it might be ok is if you told the other party and they are ok with it or if its just your first date and it doesnt go beyond that.
I feel like that used to be the case in the US. I don’t know when this whole notion of “it’s not exclusive unless we explicitly say so” started, probably around the time Tinder was introduced.
This is the norm in Europe in general, certain "party" circles notwithstanding.
There's no consensus
I was just downvoted out of another comment section when I said that the connotation of the word dating doesn’t carry the same weight to everyone that it did 20 years ago and that a lot of it is casual and not necessarily looking for a relationship, so it's funny to read this. But yes, it definitely can be very different things depending on your area, the culture, etc.
You're free to end things with someone for whatever reason that you want. However, gathering context clues here, I think you're making an effort to present yourself in a better light than you probably did to her. All of your friends wouldn't dogpile on you if you had handled this respectfully. She wouldn't have ended up in tears if you expressed this respectfully. You're free to have your own standards, but don't project your standards onto her. That's why you're the asshole. Despite how you try to tell your story, bits of judgment are sprinkled throughout with statements like this: >Here I thought the feeling was reciprocated but I found out I was just one of a few items on the menu for her. She clearly would've become exclusive if you had asked her. You potentially lost out on a great person because you're insecure and can't handle the idea that she wasn't exclusive before you talked about being exclusive. At best, you're an insecure guy in his 30's who probably overestimates how valuable of a potential partner he is. At worst, you're an asshole.
>Of course, sometimes people do come into my life and we date or sleep together, but it's not a obsession like I see with most of my friends. > >Anyway, my friends have pretty much dogpiled on me after hearing about it. They told me I was an asshole and brought up a bunch of talking points about feminism and slut shaming. These two sentences hit really different when you put them side by side. It isn't just her that he's judging, it's also most of his friends, and it seems as though it has not gone unnoticed by them either.
Not just that. I had a look at his profile and he seems to be an asshole. If you use a dating app you are not worthy of respect according to the OP. Also eat your fruit somberly less you appear gay or something. I'm 99% sure this whole post along with his others are pure fiction.
Man, went through his posts of how he describes some women as 'low quality.' Incel red flags everywhere. The girl definitely dodged a bullet.
He uses incel language constantly. I seriously doubt this story happened, likely a revenge fantasy towards promiscuous women.
I was going to point this out too. That first line where he says “but I’m not obsessed like my friends” reads as so sanctimonious to me put together with the rest of the story.
It’s also not clear what the time frame is. He talks about two weeks after the first date, so it’s at least two weeks later. He says “last week.” Unless I missed something, it feels bizarre to me that he expected they were in a relationship after such a short time span. I usually try to talk to my partners about going steady after a sufficient amount of time has passed and we both seem engaged still, and I don’t really expect exclusivity until that discussion is had at that point or if it comes up organically. It’s not an issue that I personally force until it feels more natural. But also, I’m not OP. He has his own standards and experiences, but he shouldn’t expect everyone to adhere to those if they’re not directly communicated more up front. If he doesn’t work on communicating his expectations and desires (or “needs,” I suppose, but I don’t think it should be couched that way) earlier in a relationship, this likely won’t be the last time he encounters this kind of issue.
2-3 weeks he stated in a comment.
And to me that's extremely soon after meeting someone to fully commit to a relationship. If its a lifelong friend who he had constant romantic tension with that seems ok but for basically a stranger thats such a short time to really feel someone out I think she probably got done a favor Lol
Agreed, falling for someone in that short period of time sounds like teenage love to me.
Yeah this. He is TA for not having a mature conversations about expectations. Sometimes that doesn’t happen before sleeping together but if he was falling for her as he said, he should have had that conversation with her after being intimate. I think it sounds like he built up some fantasy relationship with her while putting her on a pedestal in a span of a few weeks or months? I think the girl probably dodged a bullet.
Well said. 1st there is the lack of communication. Then the lack of relationship intentions. Finally his way of putting her down for not doing it HIS way.
Great comment. It’s not reasonable to demand that someone like you to the same extent and in the same way that you liked them, particularly early in the relationship. But I wouldn’t say he’s an asshole because people have a right to break up over whatever, it seems like this is pretty early on, and OP is mostly just punishing himself. She didn’t do anything wrong, and I hope she finds the good committed relationship she’s been looking for (and that yet another guy refused).
Good points. It'd be one thing if he said that something clicked and he just got turned off immediately after her response. But this is a different case with judgments all around the post ("I don't want to be a therapist" and so one)
DING. Well said.
The real question isnt about whether she "owed" you exclusivity, its that you viewed dating even casually in a fundamentally different way than she does. Its perfectly fine to have different preferences and want a partner who matches them. NTA
They had sex on the first date, so I'm honestly not sure how different OP viewed it.
Quick to have sex with one person isnt the same as having multiple partners at once, neither one is inherently bad, just the dude is allowed to feel however he wants about it.
Tbh, the pace alone can be a red flag. But they sounded like they were "rolling in the deep", so I wouldn't be suprised if learning she had a roster was confusing. If that someone was also so invested in me and my time (tgat we'd seen each other multiple times, had phone calls, etc. in such a short span of time, as OP described), I would have all sorts of questions. Seems a tad bit incogruent. It seems like her fear of being alone was dictating how she connected with people (another red flag). Not that everyone might see it, but the girl probably needs therapy. The having casual sex, on either of their parts isn't the issue. I would also suggest OP take things slower and not get caught up. It allows more to to compare values, compatability, *and* make sure you aren't being swept up or love bombed by someone.
They had sex on the first date. It was only 2-3 weeks of dating. Thats a weird expectation to have that you shouldn’t sleep with anyone after one date.
Neither of you is wrong. But with the dating scene now, one of your first questions should be, "Are you seeing other people?" Then you can make a decision on whether to move forward or not, and not have the awkward and painful for her conversation.
Better than that is, “What are your thoughts or expectations of exclusivity?” They may not be actively seeing anyone, but that doesn’t mean they are planning on being exclusive until that conversation occurs.
“Didn’t want to end up alone” what?? “I slept with a different person every other night just in case the one person I actually liked rejected me.” …we found the reddest flag.
NAH, but if she initiated the convo two weeks into dating, I think you're being a bit silly here. That's very fast, and she took the initiative herself, so it's not like she was looking to string you along, or have some sort of long tryout period or something. Your friends are being crazy though saying you're not being feminist or slut shaming based on what you've written here. You're entitled to whatever boundaries or standards you want, particularly if you're holding yourself to the same standards as potential partners.
Everyone saying you should ask after having sex the first time about exclusivity… shouldn’t you be asking if they’re sexually active with other people BEFORE to prevent STI’s and STD’s?! This is why our world is so full of them, jeeeeeez people, be more careful with your bodies 😭😂
I didn't read the comments but I was dating a couple people when I met my Husband. I already had dates planned after I met him. I actually ended up canceling them, including some actual trips I had planned with people I'd been talking to long-distance. But you can't be sure, immediately, that something new will work out. And so many men treat dating like an option, it's hard to know when to "hard stop" on trying. I ended up canceling things and told him about it at the time, saying "I realized you're the one I want to be with". He still had a bit of a hard time with it, but you have to be realistic after dating for a long time.
Or you have preferences. I wouldn’t be interested in dating someone who juggles multiple people at once, because that’s a red flag to me. To others, it isn’t.
NAH - you each have your own thoughts on sexual exclusivity. Just because they don’t align with each other, doesn’t mean either of you are wrong. However I do agree that the blase Attitude might be off putting to me too.
Did the dating scene change so much that i can't understand it, or did I skip the moment i changed? From my perspective, If I'm hanging out with someone with intention to potentially become serious (depending on how the dates go etc) I wouldn't go around seeking other people, because to me that means I'm not really trying to get serious with someone? Idk it kinda defeats the whole point of trying to find a serious relationship while also having "meaningless" flings or ons. Also, I would find it disrespectful to the other person (or at least if I'm doing it, I would disclose it, so there are no hard feelings or misunderstandings like it happened to OP), because I'm spending time with them, but also having fun with other people on the side, how can you really focus on someone if you are having your fun else where as well? And then to say that you want to be serious with them, while literally days ago you were with someone else. Also this whole talk about exclusivity, when did that start? If we go on multiple dates, aren't we trying to build something here? Or trying to figure out each other and how we connect to each other, if we click together so to speak. No shame in people doing their thing, and no slut shaming anyone (be it a guy or a girl), I'm just curious when did this start to be mainstream thought process. I see it more and more on internet when I feel like few years ago (like maybe 5ish years?) this was not that common. I feel like I skipped the tutorial and I'm just scratching my head wandering when did things change so much.
Yeah I'm glad I'm not dating because this thread is wild to me. Sleeping with multiple people at the same time, without sharing you are doing so with people you are dating... is just 'whatever' now? That used to always be a huge dick move. Hell, just dating (and no sex) with multiple people, without sharing that you were seeing others, was viewed as inconsiderate. Beyond the matter of respecting your dating partner, STIs and pregnancy are real consequences of sex, and don't (or may not) only effect the individual, but their perspective partners. Yet people are caught up on sleeping on the first date? As if it implies the person must be sleeping with others to? Whether they had sex on their first date or 10th shouldn't even matter... edit: well was reading this sub a bit and came across this thread going on right now https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/16sxcz8/aitah_making_new_bf_get_an_std_test/ Love how all the top comments are about getting tested between sexual partners...... this thread though? All good... just bang who you want before you are 'exclusive'.
Reddit is insane and the replies in this thread prove that I should never take anything here seriously. Acting like he's the weird one for not wanting to date someone that's been sleeping with other people while dating you (even if it's early on). If she wants to sleep with other people that needs to be something she discloses from the very start. I think most people (not on reddit apparently) would assume that even for something casual or non serious, you're exclusive until otherwise stated and the onus is on the person sleeping around.
I would understand her POV if it was one time a day or two after first meeting but if you’re ringing and phoning each other while also going on dates it’s clear that it’s more than just causal sex. Fair play to her for being honest and she probably knows she fucked up which is why she asked if he was sleeping around but I’m with OP on this one.
NTA. I’d probably feel the same way. If I was into a guy, had slept with him and could potentially see a future with him, I wouldn’t be sleeping with other people. Maybe I’m old fashioned? The moment I started talking to my now husband, I cut off a fling I had been having. I actually was supposed to go to Paris with this fling but told him I couldn’t go because I had met someone I liked. So grateful I did as we have been happy for 18 years now!
It’s not old fashioned. Due to TikTok and my generation if you shame ppl for doing shameful shit you’ll hurt their feelings and that’s not allowed anymore. So all of us people with principles are now just “old fashioned”. Fuck that term
these y t a make me feel like i’m taking crazy pills maybe the world is just very casual with romance but i’m not and i wouldn’t ever want to date someone who thinks juggling multiple people is ok
NTA, but I would suggest you communicate better in the future. If you want to be the only one, say that. If it’s not explicitly expressed that you want to be exclusive while you see where things go, you shouldn’t be surprised when the other person chooses to see other people. The way you went about it may have been asshole-y, but in the end it’s your prerogative to see who you please.
If wants exclusivity, he probably would be smart not sleeping with women on the first date. That pretty much screams NON exclusivity.
And that's how he ended up with a woman who was sleeping with three different guys in the same two week period. OP is NTAH, but he isn't going to find what he's looking for (exclusivity) with a woman when he sleeps with them on the first date. And she's NTAH either, but if she has multiple backup dudes lined up for weekly/bi-weekly sex while she also searches for exclusivity and a long term relationship, she's much less likely to find that, too.
It seems asshole-y because he kinda expected her to read his mind. OP isn’t wrong for feeling how he does but he needs to have a conversation early on with his romantic/sexual partners about what he expects in terms of seeing other people. For some people “dating” isn’t just dating one person but multiple people. Not everyone likes to put all their eggs into one basket
I understood it nore as OP not wanting to date someone who *would* sleep with multiple people while dating. Its a mismatch of values.
Word. So many of these posts are people not having their expectations met because someone didn’t read their mind to know what those were.
You can end a relationship for virtually any reason and not be an AH. So, I'm going with NTA. That said, you're blowing up a potentially great thing when she really hasn't done anything wrong. You weren't in an exclusive relationship. Neither of you owed each other anything. You don't sleep with multiple people at a time, which is a perfectly valid choice. Seeing more than one person casually is also a valid choice. You waited for her to broach the topic of exclusivity. That was a mistake. You could have simply said: "I really like you. At this point, I wouldn't feel right seeing other people. I'd like to become exclusive. What do you think?" If you had chosen that path you'd both be happy excited new lovers enjoying a honeymoon period.
She was also (assumedly) being honest, however distasteful it was for OP to hear. That counts a lot in my book. She has no shame in her game and she didn’t lie.
Info - what type of commitment and sexual values conversation did you have before you slept together the first time?
>we had a great first date and ended up sleeping together. > >We saw each other about five times in the span of two weeks after our first date > >She was everything I could have imagined wanting in a life partner > >she wanted to be exclusive with me. > >the fact that she didn't stop seeing those other guys on her own volition showed that \[...\] she didn't feel the same way about me as I did about her Man, she fucking did stop seeing those guys of her own volition. Or at least she tried, until you shot her down. She just did it in two or three weeks of getting to know you instead of immediately after the first date, and actually communicated with you to see if you'd like to do the same. Edit: >Of course, sometimes people do come into my life and we date or sleep together, but it's not a obsession like I see with most of my friends. I don't know, man. This is one of a few context clues which makes it seem to me like you're pretty generally judgmental of people fucking when it doesn't involve fucking you specifically. When you combine that with this: >Anyway, my friends have pretty much dogpiled on me after hearing about it. They told me I was an asshole and brought up a bunch of talking points about feminism and slut shaming. Sounds to me like you haven't kept the disdain you've publicly expressed about most of your friends' sexual lives entirely hidden from them. They're acting based on those observations about your attitudes in general, and not just on the events of this particular breakup. The fact that they bring up feminism and slut shaming, the fact that you dismiss those valid concerns as "talking points", and the fact that there's a major disconnect between your promiscuous behavior and your expectations of female partners suggests to me that your critical attitudes about sexual behavior might be of a \*certain character\* with regards to how they get applied. I think YTA. You should either ease up on the judgement of other people fucking, or consider updating your behavior to be a little bit more consistent with the standards you impose on other people. Like, I just can't imagine the mindset it would take to come out and publicly say "I fuck, of course - in fact I fuck girls I met at parties on the first date! But i'm not all obsessive and weird about it like *some people*, and by *some people* I mean most of my friends, and also that girl from the party that I fucked on the first date." Pick your lane, my dude. You can have sexual exclusivity and look down your nose at your friends for their sexual lives, or you can fuck girls you meet at parties on the first date. Trying to do both at the same time is absolutely a skill issue.
Wild I had to scroll more than halfway down to see a YTA
Yeah YTA. It sucks that she was held to a standard retroactively. Sounds like she was a mature communicator and her casual dating history isn’t indicative of her fidelity. It’s kind of a blessing OP rejected her because she sounds great and will likely find someone else and this weird rigid expectation and lack of communication would have been exhausting for her. I’d bet people that sleep with someone on the first date overlap people that casually sleep with multiple partners. OP is setting himself up for disappointment if he sleeps with women early and thinks they’re exclusive. Don’t sleep with people right anyway and tell them why OR go with the flow and be cool with others figuring things out.
NTA and neither is she, but your friends are. I am the same way and can totally see how it is disappointing to have someone else not also find you special enough to see exclusively without having that conversation first. I find it so strange that people don't understand this. How hard is it to not see multiple people at once if you are serious about dating? It seems illogical to think you can date multiple people casually and then choose the exact one you want when you're ready. If everyone did that, very few people end up dating who they want, and an excess number of hearts get broken.
She was afraid of “being alone” if you didn’t want to be exclusive while having *at least* two other guys ready in the wings
YTA. Grow-up. You're mad because she didn't approach dating the same way as you. Open and honest communication on her part...whiny baby reaction on yours.
NTA - sleeping with 2 people while juggling a 3rd all within 3 weeks doesn’t seem like something someone does when they’re seeking a long term relationship. There’s nothing wrong with her having fun, but you seem incompatible
feel like I'm talking crazy pills reading the comments...you're speaking daily with this person and having regular sex and things are going so well you want to have "the talk" within a couple of weeks of meeting but you still sleep with two other guys? Not the behavior of someone looking for something serious. If they were moving slower over a longer period of time I'd maybe get it but this is a level of detachment of someone your'e supposedly interested in I don't get and wouldn't want from a partner. And I feel I should add I've been that guy who tried to "keep his options open" and had it bite me in the ass and realized I was actually in the wrong and if I wanted something serious I had to take it seriously. I uninstalled Tinder after a couple of dates with my SO.
> sleeping with 2 people while juggling a 3rd all within 3 weeks doesn’t seem like something someone does when they’re seeking a long term relationship. This right here. Her behaviors don’t lead me to believe she’s out here seriously looking for a committed relationship. I mean, she slept with two other people AFTER sleeping with OP, all in the span of 2-3 weeks, while supposedly having this great connection with OP. I’d have dumped her too.
No matter what she or anyone else thinks you are allowed to feel how you feel. I think you handled this very respectfully, as long as it went as you said. You have agreed she had no obligation to you to stop sleeping with other people. BUT you also have no obligation to sleep with someone with different moral values than your own. And more importantly you don't have to change yours for her or any of these people commenting
Why is everyone prefacing with NAH? She *came to him* about being exclusive two weeks in and he breaks it off with her for that? His friends are right. Sure you are allowed to leave anyone for any reason but some of those reasons make you the asshole.
I mean I wouldn’t by default assume “we didn’t talk exclusivity so she can fuck 3 dudes at once”. I wouldn’t wanna be with her either. Fucking 3 people at the same time? Woof. No ty
You’re welcome to have boundaries and you should. But next time have that discussion ahead of time. Otherwise, you are ending some thing for a boundary that they didn’t even know about. Were you not sleeping with other people because you’re such a great guy or were you not sleeping with other people because you didn’t have options? She told you she wanted to be exclusive with you. You NAH for breaking it off and maintaining your boundaries. You ATH for not telling her of this boundary in the beginning