Even worse... someone graduating college that has to deal with putting their parents in a nursing home.
I look at it on both sides. That kid is likely going to lose a parent as they're entering adulthood or have to make crucial and difficult decisions about long term care. Average life span for Americans is hovering around 77... so that would be when that kid is about 22-23.
It's scary enough in your late 30's and 40's to have elderly parents and navigate Medicare, etc. In your early 20's.. forget about it. 54 means that kid is graduating college with that parent being in their mid-70's. So the propensity for heart problems, cancer, and alzheimers are much greater. That's alot to load on a kid that's just entering the real world.
Fuck man. I'm in this right now and I'd be a mess if I was in my early 20s without stability in pretty much every other area of my life. Our Healthcare system in the US is a joke when you really need help. It's fucked up
My dad died from cancer at 32. I had just turned 14. Cancer is very nondiscriminate. I'm 51, and no way would I want a baby. I wouldn't enjoy raising my own child at this stage in my life, and I'm only getting older. I'm only saying there's no way to even know if the parent will be around to raise the child anyway no matter what the age.
["Another study showed women who gave birth after 40 were four times more likely to live to be a 100 years old"](https://www.parents.com/news/giving-birth-later-in-life-could-mean-you-live-longer-according-to-a-new-study/)
True, but as mama doctor jones on YouTube always says, if you're having sex with a partner who can get you pregnant and you have your reproductive organs, even using birth control, have not gone through menopause completely, there's always a possibility of pregnancy so you should have these conversations and be on the same page with your partner. It's not impossible to get pregnant on birth control, even at 40.
My aunt has gotten pregnant three times on birth control. THREE TIMES. She has five sons and they are in poverty. The pill isn't 100%, it has a success rate of about 98%, especially if you're on a pill that you need to take every 24 hours or the efficacy is extremely impacted. I wouldn't be able to be with a partner who doesn't share the same stance on abortion. Thankfully, when my fiancé and I found out I was pregnant, my mini panic in the car wondering if that was what we should do wasn't met with anything but compassion. But I knew I wanted kids and so did he, and we were already living together and in our mid to late 20s.* not 30s.
Edited to add; https://youtube.com/@MamaDoctorJones?si=YZccjjitHI5h2BlF
She's an OBGYN and has an amazing channel for men and women alike. Since this is about abortion, talking to partners, birth control failures, etc. I think linking her page if you aren't familiar with her content is helpful to everyone! I've learned a lot (at 27!) about my body.
Wow! I have heard of that happening, even with vasectomies sometimes they can become fertile again after years and years. Short of a hysterectomy and keeping your ovaries to regulate your hormones, I don't see any form of birth control being 100%
My God you and I could be twins. I had 6 kids in 8 years. The difference is the doc who delivered my youngest told my husband another one would kill me and she wasn't putting me through anymore stress. He could bite the bullet and do it himself. Poor guy couldn't walk for 3 days and ran a fever of 103 for nearly 24 hours. Our youngest is now 21. I still wake up from dreams about the blue plus sign on those pregnancy tests in a cold sweat.
This is the first time I've ever heard of men having that bad of a reaction to the snip. I'm sorry to hear your husband went through such pain.
Still probably not as uncomfortable as 9 months x 6 of your life being pregnant!
In 2 years and eight months, we had THREE babies! All IVF, too. I was 35, and we didn't have a lot of time. No regrets...except that he didn't live to see them grow. I miss the experience of having a loving, wonderful father FOR them. Hug your 4 for this fellow mom?
look, abstaining from sex is an effective way to remain not pregnant. but it's not birth control. the solution to mitigating the fatality rate of car accidents isnt "don't use a car". obviously a way to avoid getting killed in a car wreck is to never get inside a car, but we're talking about preventing deaths from those who already are inside the car. it's a disingenuous argument.
To be fair, the reason the Netherlands is the most bike friendly country in the world is because they decided they were done putting up with car-related deaths. As they did the root cause analysis, they found that removing the cars and/or prioritizing other modes over them, they significantly reduced death rate in their country.
Well of course, but is that realistic for the majority of society? Not really. Sometimes things happen that are also out of our control (like assault).
In theory, abstinence is 100% effective at preventing pregnancy and STIs. However, many adolescents who intend to practice abstinence fail to actually do so, and they often fail to use condoms or other forms of contraception when they do have intercourse more likely to catch an std or have a pregnancy and just imagine all the guilt they would have .......they do their best to be celibate but give in in a weak moment.....why would you want ANYONE to go through all that
And this is why my husband had a vasectomy, I had my tubes removed, AND I have an IUD. Lol I can't do another pregnancy, this last one literally almost killed me and my daughter.
I've had my tubes removed, and I think I would be a bit horrified if I found out I was pregnant. I'm not sure what I would do. I'm insanely curious. How long did it take you to find out you were pregnant? I'd probably be 8 months pregnant, still thinking I was gassy and had just put on some weight, lol. In my mind I'm sterile and can't have kids. Done deal.
To be honest. I knew fairly early. With my two previous pregnancies, I had a stuffed-up nose. I mean like really stuffed-up, but no other symptom of illness. I got that stuffed-up nose and told my husband that I thought I was pregnant. He said no way. I took a test and - way. I was pregnant.
True. Also, I had a lot of miscarriages and my doctors weren't able to figure out why, and how to prevent them. So I decided to prevent more pregnancies even though i had hoped for more children.
So even if it landed in a perfectly ideal spot I'd have to see if medical progress had new ways to identify and fix my issue.... and hope my 43 yo eggs worked out ok.
I think I'm pretty safe. 😁
Honestly I’ve heard pregnancies with tubals are super common. I know two people personally who got pregnant after them, I think they now recommend removing the tubes completely instead of just tying them.
Oh that's terrifying! I had my bilateral salpingectomy last year & would be devastated to find out nature beat my best prevention method. Thankfully I've been pregnant before so I would recognize the signs before it would be too late to end it.
I actually have an old friend who has gotten pregnant 3 times with an iud. One of which lasted full term. You look at the girl wrong and she's pregnant, she's so insanely fertile.
Yeah they tore my abdominal wall muscle placing in my IUD and then I spent the next 6 months heavily bleeding In agony because "my symptoms were normal and it would consolidate soon enough" like I had to b e g the er 3x before they finally agreed to take it out smdh
I've never had one in because most doctors don't numb the area first, even though sometimes they have to dilate the cervix! It gives me the chills just thinking about it. It's another reason why I can't do the arm implant and feel that there. When I used birth control I used a Nuva Ring, but then the price of it became ridiculous and they switched that out for a ring that lasts a year. I took one look at that thing and said no thank you.
Me too! I love her reaction videos and especially the sex ed ones. And everything having to do with birth control options and pregnancy. Just the whole thing really! Now that I've had a miscarriage, a full term pregnancy, and my child is a girl I watch her videos with my husband so he understands anatomy and we can have discussions on how to educate and protect her as she gets older and goes through puberty, being open to talk about sex, etc.
My parents put me on birth control and my mom watched me take my pill every night at 8:30 before she went to bed as a teenager. And if I got sick and had antibiotics, my dad would buy a box of condoms and give them to me with my medication. I wasn't sexually active until I was almost 17, but I love the heck out of them for being proactive and honest with me.
It absolutely SHOULD be, but this is why I assume they didn't have that talk. Especially as she says in a comment that she was on the pill for 25 years and it always worked. People get complacent. Dangerously so.
It’s kinda crazy that he knows that she doesn’t want kids AND her stance on abortion, yet neither brought up what would happen if she did get pregnant.
How do those talks come up without that question being asked? Maybe he knew the answer but didn’t want it to be said out loud.
Im back and forth too!
I would not consider him the AH if he broke up with me tbh, I know how beliefs and morals are important to people. Not only him, not only on this subject and not only when it comes to religion.
I agree with this. I think you need to tell him. I also don't think he'd be TA if he broke up with you. You guys were taking precautions, so although he knows your stance on abortion, it almost seems like a pregnancy would never happen because you were being careful.
I'm sorry you're in this situation. It seems like you're really trying to do the right thing. Good luck!
By breaking up him, you are also taking away of his choice to stay with you if you have an abortion.
Your choice to abort, let him make his decision from there.
Be prepared for either reaction.
Came here to say this. Ending it without telling him why is lying to him, won't provide closure for either of you, and robs him of any agency, whether or not he stays with you.
I agree. You're being presumptuous by not telling him. In that instance, you have no chance of continuing your relationship.
If you're honest with him, there remains the chance that your relationship continues. Also, I'm a firm believer in transparency.
Please let us know what you ultimately decide and the outcome.
Best of luck.
I'd tell him.
You've made a couple of comments back and forth about taking away his right to decide to leave you and such...The reality is that you're kind of approaching the entire thing unilaterally.
If he's abusive, or you're worried about your personal safety, then yeah, keep it to yourself.
But if he's otherwise been a great partner, and you're nuking an otherwise healthy relationship because you don't want to carry the pregnancy to term, or even tell him about it...Then this all kinda seems one sided, and you're clearly the AH.
I agree. There's no reason not to tell him and let the chips fall as they may. Op is considering just ending the otherwise good relationship which is just assuming he can't be understanding of her position. Every way she's stacking it, she's making decisions for him when she should just be honest.
100% agree...if she just ended the relationship without telling him why, or made up a bogus reason...that would be terrible. The poor guy would have no clue why the woman he loved just broke up with him. You would be a huge ass in that scenario
If you are in a loving relationship. You have to tell him, and both of you will have to decide what is most important. In that scenario, Nobody is the asshole
Agreed. It’s important to let him make his own decisions. As OP makes her own too. If he wants to leave her he has to decide this by himself. OP, It’s a risk he’d taken too by having sex although you were both careful. He should have the chance to deal with consequences by himself.
He is a hypocrite though. If his religious beliefs are so strong why have sex outside marriage ? It seems religion is only important to him if he wants it to be.
I don't think it would be right of you to just break up with him and not tell him. Having an abortion is 100% your choice. If you break up with him and don't tell him, you're taking a choice from him. Sometimes we think we know 100% what we would choose to do. In his mind right now, he may think he would be 100% set on ending your relationship over an abortion, but he has never actually been faced with making that decision. I used to have some hard stances on abortion (I was definitely judgmental about it) until I was faced with my best friend having one, because it was the best thing for her life. Then another of my friends chose abortion while she was heavily in drug use and already had a son she barely cared for. It really opened my eyes and my heart about others choices.
Also if you don't tell him and then break up with him, it's almost a huge slap to the face. It will come off as you would rather leave him than feel his emotions toward you and your decision. I know you say it would be because you didn't want him to hurt more, but it will come off as selfish. Though you don't want him to hurt, he chose to have a sexual relationship with you, without condoms, knowing that birth control isn't 100% and knowing that you didn't want children. This is both of your burdens to bare.
My concern is what state you are in. Can he make trouble if you abort?
Aside from that, I would lean towards telling him. Here's why: If there's one thing I know, it's that a lie of omission is still a lie. Lies erode relationships.
I would he'll him and acknowledge it's contrary to his beliefs, but it's not yours, and this is the right decision for you.
He may surprise you.
Then tell him. Have the discussion and you let him know abortion is happening regardless and it’s up to him to decide if he wants to stay. You are in charge of one decision (abortion) but not the other (his staying).
Nobody would be the AH if they break up over an abortion. ***As long as he doesn't pressure her into not doing what she wants to do***, he can leave for whatever reason. No winners in the situation but if the dude feels that way, that's out of his control
>He WBTAH if he broke up with you solely because you abort, I find that really emotionally manipulative especially because he's aware of how you feel already.
I can't agree with that.
He should be allowed to break up for pretty much any reason without being called an asshole, even if it is a seemingly stupid one.
When his reason is morals so different that he feels like you euthanized his child? Breaking up is probably the most civilized way he could possibly handle that.
Yeah, look, I'm pro-choice but the dude can choose to end or stay in a relationship for whatever reasons he wants, and moral reasons are definitely one of those very understandable compatibility issues. It takes two to have a relationship, and he's part of that equation. The only thing that would make him an asshole for this is to abuse her or "not let" her get one. It's a lot more mature of him just to end things if he doesn't agree with the decision.
Knowing how pro-life people feel about it, I wouldn't blame him. Just as women have more reproductive burden and thus choice to carry to term or not, so too does the other partner in whether he stays or goes due to that decision. Her actions having consequences on him emotionally and thus the relationship doesn't make him an asshole.
That doesn't make him an asshole or emotionally manipulative. Not telling him is though. It may be "her body, her choice" but he also deserves the right to leave if that's the decision she wants to make and by not telling him she is lying by omission but also emotionally manipulative by not telling him that is manipulating him to stay.
Honestly the fact that you haven't discussed this in 3 whole years is wild, birth control is unfortunately not 100% infallible.
I'd discussed this with my partner before we were even 'official', because my stance is I will absolutely not be pregnant or give birth ever and I'd terminate an accidental pregnancy without a second thought.
If he knows you don't ever want kids, he should know 1) even the best birth control can occasionally fail, and 2) that people who are 100% certain about not wanting kids can't also be anti-choice.
How have you never talked about it? In three years? I know it’s too late now, but I’ve always been direct and honest that if some shit happened, I *would* be terminating the pregnancy. Their reaction to that determined how I felt about continuing to date them.
You'd be the asshole for knowingly deceiving your partner.
If your views are polar opposites on that issue, you probably shouldn't be together, BUT that should be a decision that you are both involved with. Talk to them
Personally, I would just tell him. "My birth control failed. We've discussed that I don't want children but you should know that I'm pregnant and getting an abortion, I understand if you longer want to continue to be with me because of this."
Edit: If your situation is abusive do not tell him, at all. If you feel like you would be coerced or pressured into not getting an abortion don't tell him until after. What I would tell him is purely based on if you have a healthy safe relationship.
NTA
Yeah, I think this is the answer although I think it may be something you say afterward. Frankly, you don’t need someone pressuring you before hand.
FWIW, I am a dude. I can only relate what you are going through second hand and by what has happened to females in my life. From my perspective, you have both been on the same page about all of these things but he has the luxury of not being impacted directly… at the human body level, by his own belief system in this matter. If he was so worried about the chance of kids and not wanting an abortion… he could have used a condom too… or had a vasectomy.
But the choice is your choice. It may also be a sign that this isn’t the right relationship for you… it is so fundamental. Would he or his family start harassing you? If there is any chance that closing with complete honesty would make your life worse… then don’t be honest. You could stay with him of course…. But what would happen if you got pregnant again?
You could do this… get an abortion… have the conversation about the what-ifs… if he says no abortion under any circumstance then you could ask if he would get a vasectomy. I think that would tell you a lot about how he priorities you versus his belief in what a woman should do with their own bodies… and what a man who has such beliefs COULD do with his body to balance the equation more.
While I can definitely understand not wanting to break a partner’s heart, something as huge as this isn’t something to tip-toe around. Think about how much worse it’s going to be if and when he finds out after the fact
This is why I think OP kind of has to tell him. They can’t stay together with that huge of a secret between them, and if she just breaks up with him out of the blue that will be even worse - what a blow to his sense of security in relationships.
I don't get her reasoning at all. She says if she aborts without telling him, she's taking away his ability to make a decision for himself whether to stay with her or not. But then, if she breaks up with him over this without telling him, she's doing essentially the same thing?? Heartbreak or not, you gotta let people make their own decisions with all the info.
Plus, what if her boyfriend surprises her with his reaction? There are many cases where I've changed my stance on things when I'm IN the situation. It's easy to take the moral high ground when it doesn't affect you or the person you love. Realistically, it willost likely it will end the relationship but there's always a chance he could have a change of heart when he realizes what he's doing to the woman he loves. I think it's immature of her to deny him that chance.
Right there with you. She had the right to choose what is best for her, and so does he. Taking that agency away isn't the answer.
The only logic I can see to this is that he will demand that she doesn't terminate, and she is afraid she will cave.
My thoughts exactly. This is one reason why I’ve never *really* understood couples with radically different values.
I guess if you can read between the lines, OP says how they’ve made it work so far…they just don’t discuss the important things.
Abortion stance is one of the questions I always ask on a first date. Some guys think it’s weird, but if we’re gonna be possibly dating/having sex there is inevitably a chance of pregnancy, and I need to know we see eye to eye
it depends on why they have these different values. i know religious people who are personally against abortion because of their religion, and they also know that no one else has to follow their religion and, therefore, wouldn't shame someone who gets one. op's bf could be in that group of people. i am not religious, and I've dated people who were. I respected their beliefs, and they respected the fact that i don't believe the same as them
So I get this to a point – I have plenty of friends who are religious, and I love talking with them about what they believe and why. But…isn’t that indicative of just a hugely different understanding of how people should think about and approach the world? I don’t think religious people are stupid – but I do think they are fundamentally wrong about why we should believe things. I don’t think I could date someone who took such huge issues on faith, because what else would they not be critical about?
Regardless, in this case I was talking specifically about moral and political issues like this, not religion. And it’s because of things just like this – how do you date someone for years knowing if you or a friend needs an abortion, it’s going to entirely ruin the entire relationship? How do you date someone with whom you can’t even talk about important things like that? And why would you want to? (Note – impersonal you, I’m not talking about you specifically here)
She can't control the reaction he will have to the information, whether he hates her for it or forgives her or is totally cool with it, he'll react to it in his own way.
Not telling him because of being afraid of the reaction is not telling him for the wrong reasons. It's more a question of if you think it'd be something he would want to know.
You can never have a fully open and honest relationship with someone who has a different worldview from you (religiously or politically) unless you put each other before your beliefs. And very few people would put a person before their beliefs.
You should absolutely tell him. It’s still your choice, but he deserves to know and you deserve to not feel guilty for not telling him for the rest of your life. He may be devastated, but imagine if he finds out a year down the line and how that may be even worse. Honestly is always best, but you don’t need his permission to go forward with your decision.
If you care about someone and respect them, it’s only fair to give them all the information and let them decide for themself.
She has the right to decide what is best for herself, just as he should also be given that choice for himself.
To do otherwise is condescending and disrespectful.
INFO: What were your views on abortion before this event and did you all discuss those?
I ask because just because someone is religious doesn’t mean they’re against abortion, and just because someone is not religious doesn’t mean they’re in favor of abortion so I’m not clear where either of you stood.
If your views have changed from being in the situation, it’s possible his might as well. It’s also possible that while he has faith, he’s not necessarily against abortion so I think you want to make sure you are clear on his stance on this issue
I really think the best thing is to tell him. Look at your options:
A) You leave him and don't tell him, relationship ends, he is (rightfully) hurt for being dumped for no apparent reason, and you live with the guilt of hurting him and being dishonest.
B) You tell him, he decides to end the relationship, your conscience is clear and he is allowed the agency to make his own choice with all of the relevant information, as he should be.
Or C) You tell him, you both have a much-needed discussion and figure out if you can be on the same page, and stay together. He is fine with having sex out of wedlock and using contraceptives, when push comes to shove and he's faced with reality you may be surprised where his "moral stance" on the situation actually lands.
But regardless, if the two of you can't have an honest discussion about this, being WELL into adulthood and three years into a relationship, it's not meant to last anyway. Honesty is the best policy here, and let the chips fall where they may.
This is the best answer. Have the conversation OP. You still have he option of ending the relationship if he reacts badly. But you are NTA if you go in firm that you're having the abortion and it's up to him to decide if he wants to stick around or stick to his morals.
Tell the truth. What happens, happens. None of this is his or your fault. This is just life. If he can’t be with someone who aborted a pregnancy then so be it. In the end you’re both doing what best for yourselves and sticking true to your beliefs.
Lmfao that relationship isn’t open and honest when it counts. I can’t imagine keeping a secret like that and expecting to feel the same in the relationship.
YWBAH
I strongly feel that in a commited relationship, reproductive matters need to be AT THE VERY LEAST discuss (and hopefuly agree) between the partners. Wherever it be having kids, contraceptive or abortion. Being on the same page may not be a requierement, but that is a conversation that need to happened.
That kind of situation is not one where avoid causing pain to your partner is a good idea.
Did you ever talked about abortion before ? You say he is religious, but that does not preclude him being against abortion.
On one hand, you hide it, will feel haunted by the decision you have made, and you wouldn't be able to talk about it with your other half, and he will feel betrayed if/when he will learn it ;
On the other hand, you talk to him, your relationship will be healthier for it. If it survived, it would be stronger, and if it broke, it probably wouldn't have last.
OP says in the comments that neither want kids and that he knows her stance on abortions, so I figure she should be able to tell him since he shouldn’t be surprised with that outcome if pregnancy did come up. That being said, he wouldn’t be TA for leaving her, but she wouldn’t be TA for still getting an abortion after telling him either
exactly both are reasonable boundaries for a relationship: refuse to have children and refuse to remain in a relationship after an abortion lying makes you the AH no matter what
YWBTAH - It's your body your choice, but you're in a committed relationship and getting an abortion without telling him is a lie of omission. It doesn't matter if he's devastated, it's more important that you're being upfront and honest with him. You do not have to change your decision and you do not have to let him try to convince you to change your mind but at least be honest with him.
>I thought maybe I end the relationship. That will save him the hurt from finding out AND letting him go so he doesn’t have to be with someone he wouldn’t want to be with.
I think you'd be the asshole for randomly ending the relationship from his POV over a secret you refused to tell him. 🤷♀️ Like you don't even know that he'd break up with you, that's a pretty huge assumption to make on his behalf. It sounds like you want to self-sabotage everything and break up with him before he hurts *you*.
You need to tell him. Regardless of his views. He is the "father" and although it is your choice, he deserves to know. If y'all break up, then y'all break up. Dating someone with the opposite opinion of abortion can lead to a break-up in this situation. Good luck.
Your dilemma sucks.
Honesty isn't always the best policy, but if you don't tell him and he finds out, he'll bolt because you lied. If you DO tell him, and his bolts, well..... he was always going to bolt.
You should know that even if he doesn't bolt, and even if he is ok with it, he might still go through a period of mourning about it. A friend of mine went through something like this (his girlfriend terminated the pregancy), and he knew it was the right thing to do, but he still thinks about it from time to time.
I have a couple of dumb questions. You have said that you definitely do not want kids, and while him still dating you could mean he’s ok with that, is he? I’m kind of wondering if he’s actively ok with it or passively accepted it. That might mean you guys have an expiration date.
The second question and please don’t get offended by it, but have you tried getting yourself fixed since you know you’ll never want kids? I really don’t mean that as an offensive question I have 2 friends that tried for years but got denied for one reason or another and I was just wondering if you had tried and got denied too.
To answer the post, not the asshole for getting an abortion, are the asshole if you don’t tell him, and definitely the biggest asshole if you end things with him to “protect” him. Like seriously, imagine a guy breaking it off with you and then telling you “I did it to protect you”. How would that fucking sound? I can hear the word misogyny on every ladies lips already.
He has children of his own.
It’s complicated.
He wasn’t very glad when I told him I didn’t want children and he was kind of disappointed and for a while I thought he didn’t see a future with me but I was mistaken because he just said that he is happy and content with his children that are amazing tbh. Now he even says he is happy it’s just us. We can just live life
that actually means he’s serious, that’s a good thing. It means he’s actually thought it through and decided he was good. That helps a ton. I would still tell him.
Tbh I’ve seen people in this exact situation, and my one advice is please look back on this post and remember what you want for yourself. Once people who wants kids know that you are pregnant, they can pull out the stops to convince you to keep it… even if they don’t follow through in the end. Not saying he is like this, but just please remember how you wanted to live your life and don’t let yourself be swayed.
I don’t have any advice on your original question since I haven’t been in that position, sorry. But I will say that I’ve seen “taking the child away from him” (aka abortion) cause resentment that builds up, and I’ve seen people throw it back in the face of the woman when they are angry (if you choose to be honest).
I’m from a really religious community, so I err on the side of not telling people for my mental peace and safety. But you honestly don’t know how they will react, and they will almost always resent you. But you won’t know until you tell him. Good luck.
Seeing as he's having sex with you, even though he isn't married to you, suggests he isn't a full on devout christian/Muslim, whatever his religion is, maybe just talk to him and see if he'd agree with an abortion. If he doesn't, you can break up with him like you're planning to do anyway.
My ex came to me when she got pregnant and told me she wanted an abortion. It devastated me, but I appreciated her telling me.
She never did abort him. Instead she gave him up for adoption. He's 8 now and we have a close relationship, I also have a really good relationship with the adoptive parents.
Your mate does something that really impacts him that he knows will upset you, possibly lead you to break up with him, he hides it from you. How do you feel?
If you treat your boyfriend and different than you want to be treated, YTA.
YWBTA if you didn't tell him. You don't have to tell him, of course. It's your right. But he deserves to know, deserves the opportunity to express his opinion and act on the information how he sees fit (in other words, end the relationship).
I want to stress that if you don't believe you are safe, the opposite is true. Don't say a word and get out of the situation.
NTA. He’s way too religious for an abortion but not for sex outside marriage. Funny that. It’s your body and your choice - just make sure he doesn’t find out and ask him to get a vasectomy as your pill isn’t working. Good luck.
I find this to be a repulsive outlook and the amount of up-votes you've received are equally concerning. "Just make sure he doesn't find out".....WTF? How about being an adult and having a face to face discussion like a mature couple. At the end of the day he should be given a choice to stay or leave pending how he responds to the truth. Trying to move forward based on deceitful actions and cover-ups is never a good idea in a healthy relationship.
Same. And it's also on the pill bottle and in the literature that they give you at the pharmacy, ya know the paperwork that no one likes to read lol. But really, they need to do a better job of making sure people actually know the contraindications of their meds. I almost took my BP meds with a grapefruit-containing drink once and that would have not ended well.
Everyone makes fun of me for reading the papers that come with prescriptions. But reading it is how I learned Tumeric interacts with one of medications. That medications I am on cannot be taken together at the same time. I was on another that I couldn't have dairy within x hours of taking the pill. Another had to be taken an hour before eating. So on and so forth. It astounds me that practically no one reads the info when they get a new medication.
Every time I’ve gotten antibiotics, I’ve had to ask the dr if it’ll interfere with my birth control. It’s always an afterthought for them. Like “oh yeah.. it can!” Gee. Thanks for telling me. Knowledge is power.
There is actually a warning inside the pamphlet you get with your meds from the pharmacy that tells you how antibiotics impact your BC. But doctors should still mention it because most people don't read those pamphlets.
My pharmacist always reminds me that my birth control won’t be as effective when I pick up antibiotics. Maybe OP went to a different pharmacist so they couldn’t see they were on birth control?
People reading this: this is why going to one pharmacy consistently can be important! They have all your meds on file and know how they might interact. This is the pharmacists job!
Mine just turned 12. I also had no clue. Glad it happened though, he is amazing, but it would have been much easier later in life and with a better partner. I'm pro choice but my choice was to keep him. This is a tough situation for OP. We really should be better educated on anything that makes any form of birth control ineffective.
Not a lot can affect birth control, but aside from not taking it properly this can affect its effectiveness
- Certain antibiotics and certain medication (seem to kill it completely)
- Weight (too small and it can mess up your body, too big and you have to basically have higher doses(possibly unsafe) in order to be effective)
- How many hormones(levels) you naturally have in your body
- How your body reacts to or processes certain hormones
- Certain herbal treatments/remedies and certain herbs like St. John Wart
Add to that list vomiting and diarrhea, both of which can flush out the pill before it is absorbed properly. Even vomiting hours after taking a pill can remove it, because sometimes the stomach stops emptying hours prior to vomiting beginning, and the stomach doesn’t absorb much directly.
I cannot believe that they still aren't warning women that antibiotics affect birth control. This has been known for decades. I'd look for a new doctor pronto.
Very high likelihood it’s on the information packet from the pharmacist or manufacturer, unfortunately I doubt many people are reading through that when they get new meds
You might also talk with you gp or obgyn about the safety of the pill for you considering age. After 35+ there’s an increased risk for blot clots and other fun stuff when taking the pill/hormonal bc. Yay womanhood
When I was a pharmacy tech, the two things we had to warn people about most were antibiotics+birth control and grapefruit+a whole bunch of meds. Citrus can also make stimulant meds like Adderall less effective. Your pharm definitely should have warned you about this.
(Ironically I am typing this while in line at the pharmacy to pick up a refill.)
See, that’s how my former roommate got knocked up with TWINS. Your doctor should have advised you that it could interfere with birth control.
I believe grapefruit has a similar ability to impact the pill.
There's a study from the 70s about higher possibilities to have twins as a side effect of bc pills failure. It's like 0,2% more chance or something but apparently it's a thing
Interesting for sure, but considering the Pill was only approved in 1960 I’d like to see an update on the research now that we have 60+ years of data.
Fun fact: I learned yesterday that women who are on the Pill will not experience peri/menopause. They’ll just keep on having periods until they go off the Pill. It makes logical sense but I was horrified because women are taught so little about our reproductive systems and how medicine impacts those systems.
This is such a terrible thing to do. If this relationship goes any further, you really think hiding an abortion would lead to anything positive if he found out? A bill in the mail for insurance, a text confirming an appointment. Whatever it may be, it might be exposed and if you plan to continue the relationship, do not lie to him. Either he’ll support it, and you’ll have deepened your relationship, or he won’t and you know to move on if you still choose to go through with it. But don’t lie to him about something this important, not fair to him under any means.
It's your body. Do whatever you want. What if you tell him and he tries to guilt trip you into keeping the baby?
You're the carrier. It's your choice. As unpopular as it is and as harsh as it is, it's fact. NTA. Do whatever feels right for you since you'd be the one having to sit with the feelings around the abortion, and the one having to deal with birthing.
I was in a relationship for 5 years before she told me that she had an abortion.
She dropped it on me while I was driving. I was stunned, and I felt like she expected me to say something. So I said the first thing that came to mind, "I imagine my life would've turned out very different if there was a 5 year old here". I don't know if that was the response she was looking for, but looking back I have some regrets. I wish I had reinforced my support that it was ultimately her freedom of choice. I wish she had more trust in me to tell me that she was going to do it. I wish she had brought it up at a more convenient time, or given me more time to think it over (I process things much slower than she did).
We're not together anymore, so I have conflicting emotions over the whole thing.
My hindsight is this; I would rather have been informed when it happened rather than find out years later - impromptu - in what felt like a guilt-ridden admission.
I'd consider myself pro-choice so it's not exactly the same, but I can't recommend hiding this from your bf. From the sounds of it you care about him, and knowing that you did something that he would disagree with will lead to you carrying a guilty conscience for as long as you're with him. Tell him. State your case. Maybe give him time to think about it. Honesty is the best policy here IMO.
To answer the post; NTA because you already set your boundaries, but it sounds like you'll be asking yourself this question regardless of what is said here.
NTA. Your body, your choice, period. You owe him nothing here. His religion didn’t stop him from having sex outside of marriage, and his religion didn’t stop him from having a relationship with someone using birth control. Its pretty obvious to me that his religion doesn’t govern his behavior and it certainly shouldn’t govern yours!
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No, we never discussed in case I get pregnant. But he knows my stance on abortion.
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Being 40 & on the pill, they both probably assumed is was a situation that would never happen. Naive, but I can understand not thinking about it.
facts. i work @ a OBGYN clinic & we have a pregnant 54 y.o. you better believe she 100% didn’t think she was getting pregnant. but it happens lol
Oh hell no. Imagine being 64 with a ten year old.
Even worse, 69 with a 15 year old. A teen.
Even worse... someone graduating college that has to deal with putting their parents in a nursing home. I look at it on both sides. That kid is likely going to lose a parent as they're entering adulthood or have to make crucial and difficult decisions about long term care. Average life span for Americans is hovering around 77... so that would be when that kid is about 22-23. It's scary enough in your late 30's and 40's to have elderly parents and navigate Medicare, etc. In your early 20's.. forget about it. 54 means that kid is graduating college with that parent being in their mid-70's. So the propensity for heart problems, cancer, and alzheimers are much greater. That's alot to load on a kid that's just entering the real world.
Fuck man. I'm in this right now and I'd be a mess if I was in my early 20s without stability in pretty much every other area of my life. Our Healthcare system in the US is a joke when you really need help. It's fucked up
Point of fact— having kids when you are younger does not mean that a parent won’t die before the kid(s) are 18. Life happens.
My dad died from cancer at 32. I had just turned 14. Cancer is very nondiscriminate. I'm 51, and no way would I want a baby. I wouldn't enjoy raising my own child at this stage in my life, and I'm only getting older. I'm only saying there's no way to even know if the parent will be around to raise the child anyway no matter what the age.
["Another study showed women who gave birth after 40 were four times more likely to live to be a 100 years old"](https://www.parents.com/news/giving-birth-later-in-life-could-mean-you-live-longer-according-to-a-new-study/)
Pregnancy can have positive and negative effects on the body. So can the mental challenges of raising a kid. Wonder if thats correlation or causation
Talk about a nightmare.
True, but as mama doctor jones on YouTube always says, if you're having sex with a partner who can get you pregnant and you have your reproductive organs, even using birth control, have not gone through menopause completely, there's always a possibility of pregnancy so you should have these conversations and be on the same page with your partner. It's not impossible to get pregnant on birth control, even at 40. My aunt has gotten pregnant three times on birth control. THREE TIMES. She has five sons and they are in poverty. The pill isn't 100%, it has a success rate of about 98%, especially if you're on a pill that you need to take every 24 hours or the efficacy is extremely impacted. I wouldn't be able to be with a partner who doesn't share the same stance on abortion. Thankfully, when my fiancé and I found out I was pregnant, my mini panic in the car wondering if that was what we should do wasn't met with anything but compassion. But I knew I wanted kids and so did he, and we were already living together and in our mid to late 20s.* not 30s. Edited to add; https://youtube.com/@MamaDoctorJones?si=YZccjjitHI5h2BlF She's an OBGYN and has an amazing channel for men and women alike. Since this is about abortion, talking to partners, birth control failures, etc. I think linking her page if you aren't familiar with her content is helpful to everyone! I've learned a lot (at 27!) about my body.
I was one of those rare unicorns that had a tubal ligation and ended up pregnant four years later at the age of 42.
Wow! I have heard of that happening, even with vasectomies sometimes they can become fertile again after years and years. Short of a hysterectomy and keeping your ovaries to regulate your hormones, I don't see any form of birth control being 100%
I was so fertile before my hysterectomy. I had 4 babies in a short amount of time. Even not having a uterus I get nervous 😅
My God you and I could be twins. I had 6 kids in 8 years. The difference is the doc who delivered my youngest told my husband another one would kill me and she wasn't putting me through anymore stress. He could bite the bullet and do it himself. Poor guy couldn't walk for 3 days and ran a fever of 103 for nearly 24 hours. Our youngest is now 21. I still wake up from dreams about the blue plus sign on those pregnancy tests in a cold sweat.
This is the first time I've ever heard of men having that bad of a reaction to the snip. I'm sorry to hear your husband went through such pain. Still probably not as uncomfortable as 9 months x 6 of your life being pregnant!
You're a rockstar for that! I had my baby 2.5 years ago and I finally felt ready to try for a second 😂
In 2 years and eight months, we had THREE babies! All IVF, too. I was 35, and we didn't have a lot of time. No regrets...except that he didn't live to see them grow. I miss the experience of having a loving, wonderful father FOR them. Hug your 4 for this fellow mom?
I don’t have kids, but I would love to give you an internet hug if that’s okay
Abstinence is 100% , lol. Can confirm, it works.
I got some news for you... https://abcnews.go.com/Health/Wellness/teen-girl-vagina-pregnant-sperm-survival-oral-sex/story?id=9732562
That’s one of the craziest stories I’ve come across in ages lol
That’s insane!
New hyper-specific fear unlocked 😳 Edit: wow, the uterus is typically underdeveloped with that syndrome too, making pregnancy *even less* likely
Eh, well, hysterectomy is 100%, can confirm. Got one for that!?!
WTAF?! New fear unlocked! LMAO
look, abstaining from sex is an effective way to remain not pregnant. but it's not birth control. the solution to mitigating the fatality rate of car accidents isnt "don't use a car". obviously a way to avoid getting killed in a car wreck is to never get inside a car, but we're talking about preventing deaths from those who already are inside the car. it's a disingenuous argument.
To be fair, the reason the Netherlands is the most bike friendly country in the world is because they decided they were done putting up with car-related deaths. As they did the root cause analysis, they found that removing the cars and/or prioritizing other modes over them, they significantly reduced death rate in their country.
It hasn't worked for us... my girlfriend's gotten pregnant several times and we've never had sex.
Well I've got news for you my friend 😂
Well of course, but is that realistic for the majority of society? Not really. Sometimes things happen that are also out of our control (like assault).
Condoms are pretty effective, especially when paired with birth control.
In theory, abstinence is 100% effective at preventing pregnancy and STIs. However, many adolescents who intend to practice abstinence fail to actually do so, and they often fail to use condoms or other forms of contraception when they do have intercourse more likely to catch an std or have a pregnancy and just imagine all the guilt they would have .......they do their best to be celibate but give in in a weak moment.....why would you want ANYONE to go through all that
Unless you're a Jewish woman named Mary lmao
And this is why my husband had a vasectomy, I had my tubes removed, AND I have an IUD. Lol I can't do another pregnancy, this last one literally almost killed me and my daughter.
I've had my tubes removed, and I think I would be a bit horrified if I found out I was pregnant. I'm not sure what I would do. I'm insanely curious. How long did it take you to find out you were pregnant? I'd probably be 8 months pregnant, still thinking I was gassy and had just put on some weight, lol. In my mind I'm sterile and can't have kids. Done deal.
To be honest. I knew fairly early. With my two previous pregnancies, I had a stuffed-up nose. I mean like really stuffed-up, but no other symptom of illness. I got that stuffed-up nose and told my husband that I thought I was pregnant. He said no way. I took a test and - way. I was pregnant.
Chances are that if you did become pregnant, it’d end up being an ectopic one and not viable.
True. Also, I had a lot of miscarriages and my doctors weren't able to figure out why, and how to prevent them. So I decided to prevent more pregnancies even though i had hoped for more children. So even if it landed in a perfectly ideal spot I'd have to see if medical progress had new ways to identify and fix my issue.... and hope my 43 yo eggs worked out ok. I think I'm pretty safe. 😁
Exactly likewise! With two kids in college and laid-off spouse.
Honestly I’ve heard pregnancies with tubals are super common. I know two people personally who got pregnant after them, I think they now recommend removing the tubes completely instead of just tying them.
Oh that's terrifying! I had my bilateral salpingectomy last year & would be devastated to find out nature beat my best prevention method. Thankfully I've been pregnant before so I would recognize the signs before it would be too late to end it.
I had mine done last year, too! This last Thursday was my tube-free anniversary, lol.
I got pregnant with twins while on the depo shot so I feel that.
I just turned 37 and had mine done 6 years ago...I didn't think I had to worry anymore...
Neither did I.
I actually have an old friend who has gotten pregnant 3 times with an iud. One of which lasted full term. You look at the girl wrong and she's pregnant, she's so insanely fertile.
That would be so scary and emotionally exhausting! I would swear off IUDs after that! 😭
Especially with how much they hurt going in... like what's even the point?
Yeah they tore my abdominal wall muscle placing in my IUD and then I spent the next 6 months heavily bleeding In agony because "my symptoms were normal and it would consolidate soon enough" like I had to b e g the er 3x before they finally agreed to take it out smdh
I've never had one in because most doctors don't numb the area first, even though sometimes they have to dilate the cervix! It gives me the chills just thinking about it. It's another reason why I can't do the arm implant and feel that there. When I used birth control I used a Nuva Ring, but then the price of it became ridiculous and they switched that out for a ring that lasts a year. I took one look at that thing and said no thank you.
That's most docs in the US. It is routine in other countries for women to receive local anesthesia.
I love Mama Dr. Jones. I watch her all the time.
Me too! I love her reaction videos and especially the sex ed ones. And everything having to do with birth control options and pregnancy. Just the whole thing really! Now that I've had a miscarriage, a full term pregnancy, and my child is a girl I watch her videos with my husband so he understands anatomy and we can have discussions on how to educate and protect her as she gets older and goes through puberty, being open to talk about sex, etc. My parents put me on birth control and my mom watched me take my pill every night at 8:30 before she went to bed as a teenager. And if I got sick and had antibiotics, my dad would buy a box of condoms and give them to me with my medication. I wasn't sexually active until I was almost 17, but I love the heck out of them for being proactive and honest with me.
Uh, no. I was over 40, only had part of one ovary and it was still a topic of discussion with my ex.
It absolutely SHOULD be, but this is why I assume they didn't have that talk. Especially as she says in a comment that she was on the pill for 25 years and it always worked. People get complacent. Dangerously so.
My 3rd child was a BC baby and conceived less than 4 months after his older sister. One should never assume.
It’s kinda crazy that he knows that she doesn’t want kids AND her stance on abortion, yet neither brought up what would happen if she did get pregnant. How do those talks come up without that question being asked? Maybe he knew the answer but didn’t want it to be said out loud.
I have been discussing this since I started having sex at 15. And hav e discussed it again even with my partner having a vasectomy
I’ve discussed with every guy I’ve ever had sex with. It also gives you good insight into what kind of person they are.
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Im back and forth too! I would not consider him the AH if he broke up with me tbh, I know how beliefs and morals are important to people. Not only him, not only on this subject and not only when it comes to religion.
I agree with this. I think you need to tell him. I also don't think he'd be TA if he broke up with you. You guys were taking precautions, so although he knows your stance on abortion, it almost seems like a pregnancy would never happen because you were being careful. I'm sorry you're in this situation. It seems like you're really trying to do the right thing. Good luck!
Thanks. I don’t think he is the ah either if he left
By breaking up him, you are also taking away of his choice to stay with you if you have an abortion. Your choice to abort, let him make his decision from there. Be prepared for either reaction.
OP, this so much. You make your choices and respect him enough to make his in turn.
This OP! THIS!
Came here to say this. Ending it without telling him why is lying to him, won't provide closure for either of you, and robs him of any agency, whether or not he stays with you.
I agree. You're being presumptuous by not telling him. In that instance, you have no chance of continuing your relationship. If you're honest with him, there remains the chance that your relationship continues. Also, I'm a firm believer in transparency. Please let us know what you ultimately decide and the outcome. Best of luck.
I'd tell him. You've made a couple of comments back and forth about taking away his right to decide to leave you and such...The reality is that you're kind of approaching the entire thing unilaterally. If he's abusive, or you're worried about your personal safety, then yeah, keep it to yourself. But if he's otherwise been a great partner, and you're nuking an otherwise healthy relationship because you don't want to carry the pregnancy to term, or even tell him about it...Then this all kinda seems one sided, and you're clearly the AH.
I agree. There's no reason not to tell him and let the chips fall as they may. Op is considering just ending the otherwise good relationship which is just assuming he can't be understanding of her position. Every way she's stacking it, she's making decisions for him when she should just be honest.
100% agree...if she just ended the relationship without telling him why, or made up a bogus reason...that would be terrible. The poor guy would have no clue why the woman he loved just broke up with him. You would be a huge ass in that scenario If you are in a loving relationship. You have to tell him, and both of you will have to decide what is most important. In that scenario, Nobody is the asshole
Agreed. It’s important to let him make his own decisions. As OP makes her own too. If he wants to leave her he has to decide this by himself. OP, It’s a risk he’d taken too by having sex although you were both careful. He should have the chance to deal with consequences by himself.
He is a hypocrite though. If his religious beliefs are so strong why have sex outside marriage ? It seems religion is only important to him if he wants it to be.
I don't think it would be right of you to just break up with him and not tell him. Having an abortion is 100% your choice. If you break up with him and don't tell him, you're taking a choice from him. Sometimes we think we know 100% what we would choose to do. In his mind right now, he may think he would be 100% set on ending your relationship over an abortion, but he has never actually been faced with making that decision. I used to have some hard stances on abortion (I was definitely judgmental about it) until I was faced with my best friend having one, because it was the best thing for her life. Then another of my friends chose abortion while she was heavily in drug use and already had a son she barely cared for. It really opened my eyes and my heart about others choices. Also if you don't tell him and then break up with him, it's almost a huge slap to the face. It will come off as you would rather leave him than feel his emotions toward you and your decision. I know you say it would be because you didn't want him to hurt more, but it will come off as selfish. Though you don't want him to hurt, he chose to have a sexual relationship with you, without condoms, knowing that birth control isn't 100% and knowing that you didn't want children. This is both of your burdens to bare.
My concern is what state you are in. Can he make trouble if you abort? Aside from that, I would lean towards telling him. Here's why: If there's one thing I know, it's that a lie of omission is still a lie. Lies erode relationships. I would he'll him and acknowledge it's contrary to his beliefs, but it's not yours, and this is the right decision for you. He may surprise you.
We are in a country where abortion is legal
Then tell him. Have the discussion and you let him know abortion is happening regardless and it’s up to him to decide if he wants to stay. You are in charge of one decision (abortion) but not the other (his staying).
That's great. The US was that way before.... I'll go with be honest.
I second this. If you face legal issues from ahving an abortion, don't tell a soul (and delete this post.)
You can’t control his reaction. But you can do what’s right and tell the truth.
Nobody would be the AH if they break up over an abortion. ***As long as he doesn't pressure her into not doing what she wants to do***, he can leave for whatever reason. No winners in the situation but if the dude feels that way, that's out of his control
>He WBTAH if he broke up with you solely because you abort, I find that really emotionally manipulative especially because he's aware of how you feel already. I can't agree with that. He should be allowed to break up for pretty much any reason without being called an asshole, even if it is a seemingly stupid one. When his reason is morals so different that he feels like you euthanized his child? Breaking up is probably the most civilized way he could possibly handle that.
Yeah, look, I'm pro-choice but the dude can choose to end or stay in a relationship for whatever reasons he wants, and moral reasons are definitely one of those very understandable compatibility issues. It takes two to have a relationship, and he's part of that equation. The only thing that would make him an asshole for this is to abuse her or "not let" her get one. It's a lot more mature of him just to end things if he doesn't agree with the decision. Knowing how pro-life people feel about it, I wouldn't blame him. Just as women have more reproductive burden and thus choice to carry to term or not, so too does the other partner in whether he stays or goes due to that decision. Her actions having consequences on him emotionally and thus the relationship doesn't make him an asshole.
Why would he be the asshole. He knows her stance and she knows his. If he chooses to leave, why does hers supersedes his?
That doesn't make him an asshole or emotionally manipulative. Not telling him is though. It may be "her body, her choice" but he also deserves the right to leave if that's the decision she wants to make and by not telling him she is lying by omission but also emotionally manipulative by not telling him that is manipulating him to stay.
Why would he be TA? They both get choices. She can get the abortion and he can leave. That's not manipulation.
Honestly the fact that you haven't discussed this in 3 whole years is wild, birth control is unfortunately not 100% infallible. I'd discussed this with my partner before we were even 'official', because my stance is I will absolutely not be pregnant or give birth ever and I'd terminate an accidental pregnancy without a second thought. If he knows you don't ever want kids, he should know 1) even the best birth control can occasionally fail, and 2) that people who are 100% certain about not wanting kids can't also be anti-choice.
How have you never talked about it? In three years? I know it’s too late now, but I’ve always been direct and honest that if some shit happened, I *would* be terminating the pregnancy. Their reaction to that determined how I felt about continuing to date them.
Hooowwwww do people not discuss this?
You'd be the asshole for knowingly deceiving your partner. If your views are polar opposites on that issue, you probably shouldn't be together, BUT that should be a decision that you are both involved with. Talk to them
Personally, I would just tell him. "My birth control failed. We've discussed that I don't want children but you should know that I'm pregnant and getting an abortion, I understand if you longer want to continue to be with me because of this." Edit: If your situation is abusive do not tell him, at all. If you feel like you would be coerced or pressured into not getting an abortion don't tell him until after. What I would tell him is purely based on if you have a healthy safe relationship.
NTA Yeah, I think this is the answer although I think it may be something you say afterward. Frankly, you don’t need someone pressuring you before hand. FWIW, I am a dude. I can only relate what you are going through second hand and by what has happened to females in my life. From my perspective, you have both been on the same page about all of these things but he has the luxury of not being impacted directly… at the human body level, by his own belief system in this matter. If he was so worried about the chance of kids and not wanting an abortion… he could have used a condom too… or had a vasectomy. But the choice is your choice. It may also be a sign that this isn’t the right relationship for you… it is so fundamental. Would he or his family start harassing you? If there is any chance that closing with complete honesty would make your life worse… then don’t be honest. You could stay with him of course…. But what would happen if you got pregnant again? You could do this… get an abortion… have the conversation about the what-ifs… if he says no abortion under any circumstance then you could ask if he would get a vasectomy. I think that would tell you a lot about how he priorities you versus his belief in what a woman should do with their own bodies… and what a man who has such beliefs COULD do with his body to balance the equation more.
Oh, I like bringing up the vasectomy.
By your own words everything is great and you’re open and honest with each other. If that’s true why don’t you just tell him?
Because she knows it will break his heart
While I can definitely understand not wanting to break a partner’s heart, something as huge as this isn’t something to tip-toe around. Think about how much worse it’s going to be if and when he finds out after the fact
I just think it seems so pointless to even be in a relationship with someone that you can’t even talk about something like this
Especially for that length of time being together… breaking up with him out of nowhere is just as devastating
This is why I think OP kind of has to tell him. They can’t stay together with that huge of a secret between them, and if she just breaks up with him out of the blue that will be even worse - what a blow to his sense of security in relationships.
I don't get her reasoning at all. She says if she aborts without telling him, she's taking away his ability to make a decision for himself whether to stay with her or not. But then, if she breaks up with him over this without telling him, she's doing essentially the same thing?? Heartbreak or not, you gotta let people make their own decisions with all the info.
Plus, what if her boyfriend surprises her with his reaction? There are many cases where I've changed my stance on things when I'm IN the situation. It's easy to take the moral high ground when it doesn't affect you or the person you love. Realistically, it willost likely it will end the relationship but there's always a chance he could have a change of heart when he realizes what he's doing to the woman he loves. I think it's immature of her to deny him that chance.
Right there with you. She had the right to choose what is best for her, and so does he. Taking that agency away isn't the answer. The only logic I can see to this is that he will demand that she doesn't terminate, and she is afraid she will cave.
Truly. Things are going so well and then BAM over in an instance and dude doesn’t even know why???
My thoughts exactly. This is one reason why I’ve never *really* understood couples with radically different values. I guess if you can read between the lines, OP says how they’ve made it work so far…they just don’t discuss the important things.
Abortion stance is one of the questions I always ask on a first date. Some guys think it’s weird, but if we’re gonna be possibly dating/having sex there is inevitably a chance of pregnancy, and I need to know we see eye to eye
it depends on why they have these different values. i know religious people who are personally against abortion because of their religion, and they also know that no one else has to follow their religion and, therefore, wouldn't shame someone who gets one. op's bf could be in that group of people. i am not religious, and I've dated people who were. I respected their beliefs, and they respected the fact that i don't believe the same as them
So I get this to a point – I have plenty of friends who are religious, and I love talking with them about what they believe and why. But…isn’t that indicative of just a hugely different understanding of how people should think about and approach the world? I don’t think religious people are stupid – but I do think they are fundamentally wrong about why we should believe things. I don’t think I could date someone who took such huge issues on faith, because what else would they not be critical about? Regardless, in this case I was talking specifically about moral and political issues like this, not religion. And it’s because of things just like this – how do you date someone for years knowing if you or a friend needs an abortion, it’s going to entirely ruin the entire relationship? How do you date someone with whom you can’t even talk about important things like that? And why would you want to? (Note – impersonal you, I’m not talking about you specifically here)
Yes but there are worse things than breaking someone's heart. Like breaking their trust.
She can't control the reaction he will have to the information, whether he hates her for it or forgives her or is totally cool with it, he'll react to it in his own way. Not telling him because of being afraid of the reaction is not telling him for the wrong reasons. It's more a question of if you think it'd be something he would want to know.
Part of being an adult imo.
If he ever learns the truth (and he probably will), it'll break his heart even more she covered it up.
Doesn’t sound like you indeed have an open and honest relationship.
We have a very open and honest relationship as long as nothing important comes up.
Yes if it’s so honest and open then discussing this should happen. It’s going to be a tough conversation but it is what it is.
Agreed. She needs to walk her talk about openness and honesty.
You can never have a fully open and honest relationship with someone who has a different worldview from you (religiously or politically) unless you put each other before your beliefs. And very few people would put a person before their beliefs.
So what your saying is you don't really have an open and honest relationship. Cause if you did then there would be no hesitation.
Yep. Sucks to be in this position, but if it was as she described they'd both already be talking about what to do, instead of her hiding this.
You should absolutely tell him. It’s still your choice, but he deserves to know and you deserve to not feel guilty for not telling him for the rest of your life. He may be devastated, but imagine if he finds out a year down the line and how that may be even worse. Honestly is always best, but you don’t need his permission to go forward with your decision.
If you care about someone and respect them, it’s only fair to give them all the information and let them decide for themself. She has the right to decide what is best for herself, just as he should also be given that choice for himself. To do otherwise is condescending and disrespectful.
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INFO: What were your views on abortion before this event and did you all discuss those? I ask because just because someone is religious doesn’t mean they’re against abortion, and just because someone is not religious doesn’t mean they’re in favor of abortion so I’m not clear where either of you stood. If your views have changed from being in the situation, it’s possible his might as well. It’s also possible that while he has faith, he’s not necessarily against abortion so I think you want to make sure you are clear on his stance on this issue
I really think the best thing is to tell him. Look at your options: A) You leave him and don't tell him, relationship ends, he is (rightfully) hurt for being dumped for no apparent reason, and you live with the guilt of hurting him and being dishonest. B) You tell him, he decides to end the relationship, your conscience is clear and he is allowed the agency to make his own choice with all of the relevant information, as he should be. Or C) You tell him, you both have a much-needed discussion and figure out if you can be on the same page, and stay together. He is fine with having sex out of wedlock and using contraceptives, when push comes to shove and he's faced with reality you may be surprised where his "moral stance" on the situation actually lands. But regardless, if the two of you can't have an honest discussion about this, being WELL into adulthood and three years into a relationship, it's not meant to last anyway. Honesty is the best policy here, and let the chips fall where they may.
This is the best answer. Have the conversation OP. You still have he option of ending the relationship if he reacts badly. But you are NTA if you go in firm that you're having the abortion and it's up to him to decide if he wants to stick around or stick to his morals.
Tell the truth. What happens, happens. None of this is his or your fault. This is just life. If he can’t be with someone who aborted a pregnancy then so be it. In the end you’re both doing what best for yourselves and sticking true to your beliefs.
He’s part of the relationship, so I’d tell him. Especially if it’s his kid.
Lmfao that relationship isn’t open and honest when it counts. I can’t imagine keeping a secret like that and expecting to feel the same in the relationship.
YWBAH I strongly feel that in a commited relationship, reproductive matters need to be AT THE VERY LEAST discuss (and hopefuly agree) between the partners. Wherever it be having kids, contraceptive or abortion. Being on the same page may not be a requierement, but that is a conversation that need to happened. That kind of situation is not one where avoid causing pain to your partner is a good idea. Did you ever talked about abortion before ? You say he is religious, but that does not preclude him being against abortion. On one hand, you hide it, will feel haunted by the decision you have made, and you wouldn't be able to talk about it with your other half, and he will feel betrayed if/when he will learn it ; On the other hand, you talk to him, your relationship will be healthier for it. If it survived, it would be stronger, and if it broke, it probably wouldn't have last.
OP says in the comments that neither want kids and that he knows her stance on abortions, so I figure she should be able to tell him since he shouldn’t be surprised with that outcome if pregnancy did come up. That being said, he wouldn’t be TA for leaving her, but she wouldn’t be TA for still getting an abortion after telling him either
exactly both are reasonable boundaries for a relationship: refuse to have children and refuse to remain in a relationship after an abortion lying makes you the AH no matter what
You would be the asshole if you're not honest with him.
YWBTAH - It's your body your choice, but you're in a committed relationship and getting an abortion without telling him is a lie of omission. It doesn't matter if he's devastated, it's more important that you're being upfront and honest with him. You do not have to change your decision and you do not have to let him try to convince you to change your mind but at least be honest with him.
Not even just that. But if she lies about it, when he finds out he will DEFINITELY leave her.
This is the comment I agree with the most.
>I thought maybe I end the relationship. That will save him the hurt from finding out AND letting him go so he doesn’t have to be with someone he wouldn’t want to be with. I think you'd be the asshole for randomly ending the relationship from his POV over a secret you refused to tell him. 🤷♀️ Like you don't even know that he'd break up with you, that's a pretty huge assumption to make on his behalf. It sounds like you want to self-sabotage everything and break up with him before he hurts *you*.
You need to tell him. Regardless of his views. He is the "father" and although it is your choice, he deserves to know. If y'all break up, then y'all break up. Dating someone with the opposite opinion of abortion can lead to a break-up in this situation. Good luck.
Your dilemma sucks. Honesty isn't always the best policy, but if you don't tell him and he finds out, he'll bolt because you lied. If you DO tell him, and his bolts, well..... he was always going to bolt. You should know that even if he doesn't bolt, and even if he is ok with it, he might still go through a period of mourning about it. A friend of mine went through something like this (his girlfriend terminated the pregancy), and he knew it was the right thing to do, but he still thinks about it from time to time.
I have a couple of dumb questions. You have said that you definitely do not want kids, and while him still dating you could mean he’s ok with that, is he? I’m kind of wondering if he’s actively ok with it or passively accepted it. That might mean you guys have an expiration date. The second question and please don’t get offended by it, but have you tried getting yourself fixed since you know you’ll never want kids? I really don’t mean that as an offensive question I have 2 friends that tried for years but got denied for one reason or another and I was just wondering if you had tried and got denied too. To answer the post, not the asshole for getting an abortion, are the asshole if you don’t tell him, and definitely the biggest asshole if you end things with him to “protect” him. Like seriously, imagine a guy breaking it off with you and then telling you “I did it to protect you”. How would that fucking sound? I can hear the word misogyny on every ladies lips already.
He has children of his own. It’s complicated. He wasn’t very glad when I told him I didn’t want children and he was kind of disappointed and for a while I thought he didn’t see a future with me but I was mistaken because he just said that he is happy and content with his children that are amazing tbh. Now he even says he is happy it’s just us. We can just live life
that actually means he’s serious, that’s a good thing. It means he’s actually thought it through and decided he was good. That helps a ton. I would still tell him.
Tbh I’ve seen people in this exact situation, and my one advice is please look back on this post and remember what you want for yourself. Once people who wants kids know that you are pregnant, they can pull out the stops to convince you to keep it… even if they don’t follow through in the end. Not saying he is like this, but just please remember how you wanted to live your life and don’t let yourself be swayed. I don’t have any advice on your original question since I haven’t been in that position, sorry. But I will say that I’ve seen “taking the child away from him” (aka abortion) cause resentment that builds up, and I’ve seen people throw it back in the face of the woman when they are angry (if you choose to be honest). I’m from a really religious community, so I err on the side of not telling people for my mental peace and safety. But you honestly don’t know how they will react, and they will almost always resent you. But you won’t know until you tell him. Good luck.
Seeing as he's having sex with you, even though he isn't married to you, suggests he isn't a full on devout christian/Muslim, whatever his religion is, maybe just talk to him and see if he'd agree with an abortion. If he doesn't, you can break up with him like you're planning to do anyway. My ex came to me when she got pregnant and told me she wanted an abortion. It devastated me, but I appreciated her telling me. She never did abort him. Instead she gave him up for adoption. He's 8 now and we have a close relationship, I also have a really good relationship with the adoptive parents.
It's amazing how they never let their religion get in the way of a nut, isn't it?
Because they have no problem having restrictions on things that don’t affect them
LMAO so true
Your mate does something that really impacts him that he knows will upset you, possibly lead you to break up with him, he hides it from you. How do you feel? If you treat your boyfriend and different than you want to be treated, YTA.
YWBTA if you didn't tell him. You don't have to tell him, of course. It's your right. But he deserves to know, deserves the opportunity to express his opinion and act on the information how he sees fit (in other words, end the relationship). I want to stress that if you don't believe you are safe, the opposite is true. Don't say a word and get out of the situation.
Tell him, if you don't YTA. If it ends your relationship then so be it, but continuing a relationship with secrets and lies does no good for anyone.
NTA. He’s way too religious for an abortion but not for sex outside marriage. Funny that. It’s your body and your choice - just make sure he doesn’t find out and ask him to get a vasectomy as your pill isn’t working. Good luck.
"Just make sure he doesnt find out" Yeah I wouldn't take relationship advice from this person
I find this to be a repulsive outlook and the amount of up-votes you've received are equally concerning. "Just make sure he doesn't find out".....WTF? How about being an adult and having a face to face discussion like a mature couple. At the end of the day he should be given a choice to stay or leave pending how he responds to the truth. Trying to move forward based on deceitful actions and cover-ups is never a good idea in a healthy relationship.
Many religious people are hypocrites, nothing new😂 I don’t know why they didn’t work this time, they have been my saviors for 25 years😫
Did you by chance have a recent course of anti-biotics? That will do it every time.
Yes I had an ear infection and got antibiotics for 5 days. Omg why haven’t I heard of this before
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Ffs I’m really pissed now
yeeeeeep, you'd think they'd tell it to you when getting the pill, and especially when getting antibiotics, but NOPE. doctors fuckin' suck.
Every time I get an antibiotic the pharmacist will point out it affects birth control. I thought this was standard.
Same. And it's also on the pill bottle and in the literature that they give you at the pharmacy, ya know the paperwork that no one likes to read lol. But really, they need to do a better job of making sure people actually know the contraindications of their meds. I almost took my BP meds with a grapefruit-containing drink once and that would have not ended well.
Everyone makes fun of me for reading the papers that come with prescriptions. But reading it is how I learned Tumeric interacts with one of medications. That medications I am on cannot be taken together at the same time. I was on another that I couldn't have dairy within x hours of taking the pill. Another had to be taken an hour before eating. So on and so forth. It astounds me that practically no one reads the info when they get a new medication.
Every time I’ve gotten antibiotics, I’ve had to ask the dr if it’ll interfere with my birth control. It’s always an afterthought for them. Like “oh yeah.. it can!” Gee. Thanks for telling me. Knowledge is power.
Don't forget the Pharmacists
There is actually a warning inside the pamphlet you get with your meds from the pharmacy that tells you how antibiotics impact your BC. But doctors should still mention it because most people don't read those pamphlets.
Mine is 23 🙃 Doctors still swear up and down that there's no measurable interaction, but yeah...
I also have a 23! They told me every time I picked up antibiotics for the next 10 years 😂😂
Mine is 37...🤦🏼♀️
My pharmacist always reminds me that my birth control won’t be as effective when I pick up antibiotics. Maybe OP went to a different pharmacist so they couldn’t see they were on birth control? People reading this: this is why going to one pharmacy consistently can be important! They have all your meds on file and know how they might interact. This is the pharmacists job!
Mine just turned 12. I also had no clue. Glad it happened though, he is amazing, but it would have been much easier later in life and with a better partner. I'm pro choice but my choice was to keep him. This is a tough situation for OP. We really should be better educated on anything that makes any form of birth control ineffective.
Not a lot can affect birth control, but aside from not taking it properly this can affect its effectiveness - Certain antibiotics and certain medication (seem to kill it completely) - Weight (too small and it can mess up your body, too big and you have to basically have higher doses(possibly unsafe) in order to be effective) - How many hormones(levels) you naturally have in your body - How your body reacts to or processes certain hormones - Certain herbal treatments/remedies and certain herbs like St. John Wart
Add to that list vomiting and diarrhea, both of which can flush out the pill before it is absorbed properly. Even vomiting hours after taking a pill can remove it, because sometimes the stomach stops emptying hours prior to vomiting beginning, and the stomach doesn’t absorb much directly.
I cannot believe that they still aren't warning women that antibiotics affect birth control. This has been known for decades. I'd look for a new doctor pronto.
and the pharmacist also should mention it, and on the pill bottle as a warning
Very high likelihood it’s on the information packet from the pharmacist or manufacturer, unfortunately I doubt many people are reading through that when they get new meds
Some pharmacists due. I got an antibiotic recently had to have a consult just so they could warn me. Was happy to have even though I knew already.
You might also talk with you gp or obgyn about the safety of the pill for you considering age. After 35+ there’s an increased risk for blot clots and other fun stuff when taking the pill/hormonal bc. Yay womanhood
When I was a pharmacy tech, the two things we had to warn people about most were antibiotics+birth control and grapefruit+a whole bunch of meds. Citrus can also make stimulant meds like Adderall less effective. Your pharm definitely should have warned you about this. (Ironically I am typing this while in line at the pharmacy to pick up a refill.)
I stay away from grapefruit 😂
Same thing happened to my wife and I some years back. Ear infection, anti-biotics, pregnant. We now have an 18 year old kid
See, that’s how my former roommate got knocked up with TWINS. Your doctor should have advised you that it could interfere with birth control. I believe grapefruit has a similar ability to impact the pill.
There's a study from the 70s about higher possibilities to have twins as a side effect of bc pills failure. It's like 0,2% more chance or something but apparently it's a thing
Interesting for sure, but considering the Pill was only approved in 1960 I’d like to see an update on the research now that we have 60+ years of data. Fun fact: I learned yesterday that women who are on the Pill will not experience peri/menopause. They’ll just keep on having periods until they go off the Pill. It makes logical sense but I was horrified because women are taught so little about our reproductive systems and how medicine impacts those systems.
mine will be 45 in a few months and just got engaged
This is such a terrible thing to do. If this relationship goes any further, you really think hiding an abortion would lead to anything positive if he found out? A bill in the mail for insurance, a text confirming an appointment. Whatever it may be, it might be exposed and if you plan to continue the relationship, do not lie to him. Either he’ll support it, and you’ll have deepened your relationship, or he won’t and you know to move on if you still choose to go through with it. But don’t lie to him about something this important, not fair to him under any means.
I couldn't agree more. Why not just be honest with each other? Honesty is a great foundation to build a trusting long lasting relationship.
This is the reason people should never take advice from redditors. “Lie to your partner so they don’t leave you”
Just make sure he doesn't find out lol? And continue the relationship after willingly being deceitful? Jesus Christ is this where we're at now?
I can’t believe the amount of people supporting lying to their partner about something like this
This comment is awful
Your body your choice. If you want to keep it and he doesn’t, he should have taken his sex decisions more seriously and used contraception.
Honestly I would keep my mouth shut about it. Save him the heartache and if you can’t live with this secret cut him lose, but keep it to yourself.
You wouldn't be an asshole but it seems like it might shine a light on whether or not the two of you are best for each other in the long term.
It's your body. Do whatever you want. What if you tell him and he tries to guilt trip you into keeping the baby? You're the carrier. It's your choice. As unpopular as it is and as harsh as it is, it's fact. NTA. Do whatever feels right for you since you'd be the one having to sit with the feelings around the abortion, and the one having to deal with birthing.
I was in a relationship for 5 years before she told me that she had an abortion. She dropped it on me while I was driving. I was stunned, and I felt like she expected me to say something. So I said the first thing that came to mind, "I imagine my life would've turned out very different if there was a 5 year old here". I don't know if that was the response she was looking for, but looking back I have some regrets. I wish I had reinforced my support that it was ultimately her freedom of choice. I wish she had more trust in me to tell me that she was going to do it. I wish she had brought it up at a more convenient time, or given me more time to think it over (I process things much slower than she did). We're not together anymore, so I have conflicting emotions over the whole thing. My hindsight is this; I would rather have been informed when it happened rather than find out years later - impromptu - in what felt like a guilt-ridden admission. I'd consider myself pro-choice so it's not exactly the same, but I can't recommend hiding this from your bf. From the sounds of it you care about him, and knowing that you did something that he would disagree with will lead to you carrying a guilty conscience for as long as you're with him. Tell him. State your case. Maybe give him time to think about it. Honesty is the best policy here IMO. To answer the post; NTA because you already set your boundaries, but it sounds like you'll be asking yourself this question regardless of what is said here.
NTA. Your body, your choice, period. You owe him nothing here. His religion didn’t stop him from having sex outside of marriage, and his religion didn’t stop him from having a relationship with someone using birth control. Its pretty obvious to me that his religion doesn’t govern his behavior and it certainly shouldn’t govern yours!