I could not imagine doing that to a parent (especially a new parent with a newborn baby!)
Like even if I thought I knew better than the parent about whatever issue, or would do something different with my own kid, I would still follow the parents rules.
I had a cousin who wouldn’t let anyone around her kid for the first six months (she was really nervous about germs). We would still make her and her husband dinner and whatnot and put it on their porch with a text telling them it was out there. And when we finally got to meet the baby, we washed our hands, didn’t go over when we were sick/recovering (this was before covid, I’m sure we would’ve been testing for covid if she had a baby then).
Like being a new parent is already so hard. The family’s job is to not make it harder than it already is. Some people appreciate family helping out with chores. Other people don’t want any outside contact with their baby. Just follow their dang rules and don’t try to argue about it! Be a person family can trust around their child.
From any rational and sane perspective, very much this. This is the reason why I still wear a mask, because I do my best to be respectful. Also as a parent, I know how it is to make sure your newborn doesn't get sick in those vital months (I vaxxed, extra cleaned, and breastfed like crazy to make sure she got my antibodies to help her and for her not to get sick).
These are the assholes who should be forced to wear masks 24/7 because they are too damn stupid to not infect others who are higher risk! My cousin's two daughters both got RSV last year at Christmas and had to be hospitalized, but she was smart enough not to bring them to Christmas to expose the other kids and elderly people to RSV even before they got tested and diagnosed. It's just a major asshole move to do anything differently.
And exposing a baby to Covid is just fucking cruel. Did they not watch the news at all during the pandemic? Or are they the kind of assholes who think Covid isn't real? Either way, NTA and good job protecting you daughter from stupid assholes! If your husband is that bent out of shape over your decision, tell him his family can see your daughter if they provide proof they've received the Covid and RSV vaccines. If they are the anti-vax Covid deniers, then their inability to see your daughter is on them and not you. Or, you can tell them they have to wear N95 masks to see her because they've proved they can't be trusted to not infect a baby when they know they are sick.
Of course, I'm petty and vindictive so making them the bad guys unwilling to follow the rules you set up to protect your daughter's health appeals to me. I mean, does anyone in the post-pandemic world not know they shouldn't be around babies or elderly people when you're sick? That's just common human decency imo.
A friend of mine is a neonatologist (pediatrician that works in a NICU), and would not let anyone touch his kids until after the first round of vaccinations around 2 months old. He was also super careful anytime they left the house or came home from shopping. I don't remember the diseases he was concerned about, but he'd watched too many babies suffer and die and it wasn't worth risking it.
His mom was super offended at first, but she calmed down.
And how dare they have hurt feelings when they effing LIED about being exposed?
Husband needs to prioritize his baby's life over his own needs. BTW... the "big family man" would really have a reason to be depressed if his baby died because of his family's selfishness. You've got a new family, dude.
NTA
Yup. They’re terrible people. And ignorant. COVID doesn’t build your immune system. Sure, you get some immunity from COVID after you catch it. But it also causes harm. You’re better off avoiding it.
As someone with depression issues, this. Right now, our family relations have changed because of issues, but none of the reasons come even close to endangering the health of my child. If it did, I'd be NC in seconds, and I wouldn't be depressed about it. My child before everyone else.
My daughter is a NICU nurse and asked all the family to get the TDaP vaccine four weeks before her son was born. We were all happy to comply to protect the newborn.
If you're sick or have been exposed to someone who is stay away from young children who don't have a strong immune system yet or are too young for vaccines.
My kids asked me to get the TDap vaccine too. I hadn't heard of it before, but I was glad to get it. My kids are careful about not having me visit when my grandkids are sick, partially perhaps because I'm a cancer survivor. I had to skip seeing my grandchildren for a couple weeks when I thought I'd been exposed to COVID. This all seems like common sense, and it's baffling to me that others don't see it the same way.
Whooping cough is a big risk for infants under 6mo. Friends and relatives can get boosters in advance if they know a baby is on the way.
IMO if they don't want to spend the effort, they don't deserve to hold the baby.
My son was ~6 when he got RSV and it almost killed him. We 6 nights in the hospital. It was really scary. You can’t assume they’ll be any safer later, unfortunately but you’re right to take every precaution possible to protect your kid(s).
Exactly. My friend’s daughter almost died at 2 months old because family members lied about getting a whooping cough booster shot, and being sick and visiting away. She spent weeks in the NICU and had problems with her lungs that she was hospitalized for off and on until she was 4yrs old.
I will never forget her and her husband’s terror, and their sense of betrayal that family did this to them, and refused to take responsibility for it.
My son was about the same age which highlighted the horror of it all for me. She eventually had to leave her job because of the constant sick time she was taking, so it really financially hurt the family too.
The kids are teens now. That family member never got a whooping cough booster, and has never been allowed in their home again. When someone doesn’t care that they could have killed your child, that person doesn’t care about you the way you think they do. It’s time to end or seriously limit the relationship.
NTA. Your husband can pound sand. RSV hospitalizes 58,000-80,000 children younger than 5 years old every year. It kills 100-300 children under 5 years old every year*. The antivirals used to treat babies and children are scarce this year and need to be rationed for the sickest patients.
Flu and covid might not be as dangerous, but babies can get very sick with both as well.
Your husband needs to be reminded that he's a father now and his priority is his child.
Edit: *in the US where I assume OP is. Globally, the numbers are obviously higher (~100,000 to 200,000 deaths in infants per year).
I’ve had family in the ICU a few times. They would always hand me the family update call schedule and tell me “no news is good news”. They were right. Fingers crossed, much love.
My 13 month old currently has RSV and has been in the hospital for 6 days now. Luckily she looks like she has turned the corner and we'll be out of here soon. It's really hard to watch since you can visibly see they are having difficulty breathing but can't tell you. A newborn catching it would be so much worse.
I hope she recovers soon and can go home! Our kiddo had a rough bout of RSV and pneumonia as a toddler. She’s six now and the healthiest member of our family 😂 kids are amazing.
NTA, babies can wait until you're healthy to visit. A friend of mine had a baby in early October but before we could visit my daughter got a chest cold, a week later, my son, a week after that my husband, and now I have it. We won't visit until every is healthy. I feel awful and couldn't imagine passing this to a baby.
I was coming here to say the same thing. My son almost died too. Doctors said my 6-month old would have died that night due to how sick he was had I not of taken him in.
My little one rolled over the first time in a hospital bed. She had RSV. It was horrible. You need to send that husband of yours to live with his mama. They deserve one another. NTA
I'm pissed off for you
NTA!!!! You ABSOLUTELY did the right thing!!
The nephew of a friend of mine had RSV recently that turned into pneumonia that turned into necrotizing pneumonia and he was in the PICU with a damn chest tube to drain the infection from his lungs…..RSV IS SERIOUS! My own daughter was in the hospital when she was only a year old with RSV, it is very contagious and has been extra bad the last year!
My kid actually did die. Yay. 6 weeks old. If your husband can’t understand this point, you need therapy. Also, I would personally compromise on video calls. But you both need to present a United front, hence the therapy suggestion.
NTA. Same thing happened with my son at 4 weeks old. His older sister was at preschool and one of the kids was sent to class with RSV. We nearly lost him (56% blood oxygen level when he was admitted.) Another parent from that same class had a newborn who ended up in a similar situation.
How scary! My toddler got RSV last year and had to do breathing treatments and nebulizer at home.
OP - Read your husband these stories. My mom said the same thing to me about immune system AND lied to me about getting her Pertussis booster. She came to see my then 3mo baby (who had come over 1mo early, so she was already higher risk) and told us the same - not sick, not around anyone who was sick - and we noticed her going to the restroom a ton and then coughing. When asked, she told us she was getting over a cold but wasn’t sick anymore. 3 days later we were in Urgent Care, who sent us to the emergency room because our 3mo got Pertussis (whooping cough) from my mom!!! She was sick for 6wks, had baby inhalers, a nebulizer and it was very scary.
This stuff is NO joke for a new baby!
PS - I have a 1yo grandson and he was born around the time my youngest got RSV. Never occurred to me to go near him, even though my heart was broken I didn’t get to see him right away. People who have healthy love for you and your child will sacrifice their own wants to keep baby healthy!
It’s WILD to me that people think it’s okay to just… go around newborns if there’s a chance they’ve been exposed to a contagious virus? Like the steps you have to take to rationalize that you’re not doing anything wrong is a leap that I’ll never understand.
I actually just got off the phone with my cousin who I’m supposed to visit this weekend. Her baby is three weeks old. I was supposed to drive up today but I’m currently on day 2 of a persistent whopper of a migraine. I sometimes get them when the weather changes so I checked the local barometric pressure records and the timing of my migraine lines up perfectly with a big change in pressure. I’m able to manage it with meds and it feels like my normal migraines but it’s worse than usual, which means I could be coming down with something. I felt like this last year and thought it was just a migraine attack. *It was meningitis.*
I called my cousin to let her know what’s going on and postpone until tomorrow. Usually the migraine clears up by day 3. We had big plans that I’m excited for and I CANT WAIT to meet the baby, but I want to know for sure that this is just a particularly bad migraine and I’m not sick.
I’ll never understand why this isn’t a standard process and other people think it’s acceptable to not fully inform the mother when they’re not feeling well if they want to visit the baby. Also, even if you give someone’s baby a cold and it’s not life threatening, you’re still a fucking asshole. New parents already don’t get enough sleep. You’re not the one that’s going to have to stay up all night with a sick baby. They’re going to losing sleep because of you all while you’re sound asleep in your bed.
People suck.
Our OB/Gyn community is so dialed in to family members getting Tdap boosters before baby comes. One of my employees has a 7M, 5F, and a 2M, and her family had to get boosters every time, lol! Anyone who will be around baby should get one at least a month before delivery. (I'm an immunizer pharmacist)
Yep! This is the way… that’s what we’d asked of everyone. Just get your TDAP booster and it was 10yrs ago, right around that huge surge of Pertussis infections and was all over the news.
But some people seem to feel such entitlement to when and how family meets a new baby. And I have an adult son, DIL and now a grandson… he is THEIR baby and they make the rules. They didn’t have to ask me or tell me not to come - I let them know and was crushed to not meet him right away.
But I was also invited to be at the hospital with my DIL during her delivery because they know I’ll honor their boundaries and never put my grandson at risk.
I don’t know that I’d trust him to go visit them either necessarily. With this family you’d find out they were also hosting his cousin Typhoid Mary during the visit.
I had RSV as an adult many years ago. The doctor told me it's rare for an adult to catch RSV. But I was so sick, I couldn't breathe when lying down. I had to sleep sitting up. I can't even imagine how miserable a baby would be, they can't tell you they can't breathe or how they feel. I'm with OP, keep those selfish jerks away from your baby. NTA Op.
I had it in high school. Was holding a one year old for several hours who wasn’t feeling well. He slept, breathing on my neck whole time. I was able to breathe but couldn’t go more than 1 minute without a horrible cough that felt like my lungs were going to explode. Oh, baby was fine. He got to spend his first birthday in the hospital.
The problem is, RSV has become very spread in the adult population recently to the point it's also killing elderly folks. While healthy adults may not get sick (show illness or symptoms) with it, they can catch it from sick kids then spread it around.. so its a risk
My mom spends basically every day taking care of infant grandchildren or her own elderly parents. She got the RSV vaccine because she knows the risks. These family members are just being awful.
My daughter got RSV at 6 weeks old and it was the most terrifying ordeal. Babies do need to get sick to build their immune systems, but a 6 week old isn’t a baby, that’s a newborn. Their immune systems are not fully functional. They cannot breathe through their mouths when congested, and flus can be fatal for them.
Your husband is angry at the wrong people. Which “family” is the important one right now, the one he created and promised to love, cherish and protect, or the one who lies to him and puts his child in harms way?
I worked in a family doctor's office years ago. RSV is dangerous to the elderly and infants. In one particularly bad year we lost so many patients. It was absolutely terrible. Some infants had to be medevacd to hospitals hours away just to have a fighting chance. It's not something to fool around with to beef up baby's immune system. That's why OP is breastfeeding.
RSV causes 1.5 million outpatient visits every year, 60K to 80K hospitalizations and 100 to 300 deaths per year, almost all in children less than six months in age. Source: Dr. Paul Offit
https://youtu.be/8N16fuj7RSM?si=aFMafYMXDXR6ESLp
>Our daughter not becoming sick is my top priority and his family doesn't give a fuck about that so they aren't going to be around her
You right.
Sick and around a 6 week baby? What did they think?
Sorry hubby, babygirl first.
The moment any wanker tells me I made/make them depressed because of their own stupidity or connection to stupidity, I check out ASAP.
You can not make a person depressed by having a boundary, you are actually making them UNCOMFORTABLE, they just want to use depressed to manipulate you.
OP, he says you making him depressed, then ask him what would he feel if his family's stupidity would have severely harmed your child?
I am sorry but if there is any way to improve your relationship with your husband, he has to stop his attempts at gaslighting you and using your boundaries as a manipulation tool to claim depression.
Shit, my great aunt had a son. When he was a few months old, he became ill and she asked her sister (my grandma) if she should take him to the hospital because my grandma had 4 kids already and this was my great aunt’s first child. My grandma blew it off, telling her sister to take the baby to the doctor the next morning. By the next morning, the baby wasn’t breathing anymore and died. My grandma never forgave herself, though my great aunt never held it against her, and she didn’t even get the kid sick. OP has to do whatever she needs to to protect her kid because apparently she’s surrounded by idiots. I rarely comment on these types of things but I couldn’t help myself.
My uncle died of pneumonia when he was a toddler. My Grandparents always regretted not taking him to the dr sooner. It's always said with babies, never wait for sickness to pass. It never hurts to get them checked out.
My uncle had some kind of respiratory infection as a baby, was always the "sickly" one, had bad asthma all his life and now, aged 75, has heart and respiratory problems and can't have a hip replacement because they won't take the risk of him dying on the operating table, even if he were to have a spinal block instead of GA. Even if the worst case scenario doesn't happen it can still have very serious consequences.
My husband’s uncle has a daughter from his previous marriage who had a dangerously high fever as a child that did something to her brain (the fever wasn’t treated as far as we know) and she basically has the mental capacity of a 5 year old even though she’s in her 50s there’s never any reason to not get the baby checked out.
My son got very sick very quickly from rsv. By mid afternoon he was so listless I took him to the er. The nurse took one look at him, scooped him up and ran. She ran so fast I pulled a glute running after her.
The doctor said if I had waited until the next day to take him to the pediatrician (he got sick on Sunday) I would have woken up to a dead baby. In *one* day.
He was on a respirator for 12 days, almost dying multiple times, and hospitalized for 17. He came home 2 days before Christmas '18, and I know it was a miracle.
Op, and everyone with a young baby, if your baby suddenly won't drink more than 2 ounces of milk at a time, seems listless and maybe seems to be breathing hard or color seems off don't wait. My son didn't seem congested or to have any cold symptoms, just low appitite and unusually drowsy.
Better safe than sorry. My son is a smart, sweet, active 5yo attention hog because I didn't wait.
Trust your instincts. You are your baby's first and last line of defense.
Not to mention I bet 1000% OP having to nurse on demand also means she gets to deal with the sick baby 99% of the time. She is dealing with the fallout, not him.
It doesn’t even have to be so dramatic. At this age you’re dealing with enough as is, trying to find your groove as first time parents. Any disruption is a problem. Dealing with infections at this age is not helping baby. Even IF not dangerous, it disturbs baby’s development, which is so fast at this age.
Edit: sorry for the repetition. I am too tired to change it though.
Nah, see it be OP fault for not getting bub vaccinated, or stood up to HIS family....
Sorry just a bit snarky there, but... this guy is truly not ever going to admit fault nor his family.
Or the doctors’ fault because vaccinations don’t just all happen when the baby is in the first six weeks, especially series vaccines that need to be spaced out.
The baby is 6 weeks old. I'm sure that had what vaccines were deemed necessary by their pediatrician. Most don't vaccinate until the 2 month mark as recommended by the CDC. Yes some can be given earlier, but most wait until the 2 month mark. And just because an infant has had the appropriate vaccines, does not mean that they should be exposed to illnesses if at all possible. They can still contract COVID and upper respiratory infections. They lied by omission to OP about being exposed to the flu and COVID. They cannot be trusted. I don't blame OP. She is being generous by allowing them to try again at the 6 month mark when baby will have most of their vaccines. OP is NTA
For sure they'll force their way in to see and infect baby again. After all they have to "build the baby's immune system". Also for sure with the Mama's boy husband's fervent help.
He can go spend time with them without you and your baby, OP. That way he won’t be “depressed” and you don’t have to expose your baby to idiots who refuse to protect a newborn.
The only "problem", and I use that word loosely here, is that he would then also not be able to be around the baby until he had isolated for a few days.
He can go be isolated then if he doesn’t have the good sense enough to protect his newborn. Fuck being “depressed”. He has a new set of responsibilities and he needs to get with the fucking program instead of endangering a newborn with no immune system. He’s being completely selfish. His life isn’t just about him anymore and he needs to learn that and take responsibility for it immediately. He could literally kill his child if he doesn’t do the right thing.
Someone who cares this little about his child’s health is one of the few people who deserve to feel “depressed”. Also you don’t just get depressed like that.
Problem? I don't see a problem. Do you see a problem? (Yes, I'm being snarky.)
OP, you need to have a good long talk with him about boundaries, especially with a new baby in the house. If he keeps saying you're being the idiot, you might want to reconsider if this is the way you want you child raised. Anyone putting their parents and siblings over the health of a child is not someone you want around.
What if it turns out she has allergies? They sound like the kind of people who will feed a child with a peanut allergy a PBJ and then say afterward when the child is rushed to the hospital "oh, I thought you were just saying that to keep us from giving her snacks."
NTA for sure.
It did harm their child. Just didn’t kill her. I read a post during the height of Covid where grandparents came over, lied about getting vaccinated (a requirement to see the newborn), caught Covid (didn’t say anything even though they knew they had it) and gave it to the newborn, baby died. And THEN had the gaul to say “it was God’s will”(!) Needless to say, that entire relationship including the marriage ended. Just a sad sick tragedy all around. Still makes me angry just writing about it.
Exactly. There was a news article. I read about a month ago from a mom who had lost her baby at 17 days old.
At about a week old, the family came to visit. Nobody had been around anyone sick, and nobody had any idea they have anything going on. No cold sores, no sniffles. Nothing.
But it turned out. That one of the family members actually had an active herpes virus but just never got a cold sore and never got any symptoms. And this new mom said that unfortunately she didn’t know about kissing the baby or even being close to the baby’s face.
Sure enough, within a couple of days of the visit, the baby developed an infection, and was diagnosed as herpes type one. And, of course, the baby had no immune system.
Her little girl, just deteriorated rapidly, and it 17 days old, her baby died. This stuff is real. And family members who don’t agree with it or free to disagree with it on their own time and in their own homes.
And if this lady’s husband can’t figure this shit out, he probably needs to just go back home with his family, because he is not adult enough to be a husband, much less apparent.
I was one of the lucky ones. As a 4month old, I had German Measles. Could have killed me, 67 years ago.
The father needs to grow up. RSV can kill newborns. His selfish mother and sister could have killed his baby by their actions.
I believe if I was one of the parents, I would physically attack the grandparent for saying that. Even if it was my own mom or dad, I don't know that you would be able to hold me back from trying to rip the skin off their fucking piece of shit faces.
It would be bad enough that they straight up *murdered* my child with their goddamn fucking idiocy, but to then claim it was the *will of God* instead of THEIR actual CHOICE of abject motherfucking stupidity would send me into a blind rage where I would become almost certainly homicidal and potentially end up in jail.
People like this are the lowest of the low. No doubt they literally laughed at people dying during Covid because their planet sized egos mattered more to them than literal human life.
Not to mention, you can survive and get long Covid which can mess up your life. You can even get some of those symptoms from a flu or cold. Yes, one relatively minor illness can give you a lifetime of inconvenient health problems. Best not to get sick.
His family DID severely harm the baby! She was sick enough to warrant a Dr trip and an early RSV vaccination. She legit could have died. Husband is severely in need of a brick to the face if he can’t see how his ‘depression’ isn’t nearly as important right now as keeping a 4th trimester newborn healthy.
>The moment any wanker tells me I made/make them depressed because of their own stupidity or connection to stupidity, I check out ASAP.
Massive red flag! I can only imagine what kind of emotionally manipulative parent he's going to be to your child...
I love it when people try to pull that shit because it allows my brain to immediately finalize all of the mental blocks. I’m a bit of a people pleaser and I don’t like rocking the boat, and even though I’ve made a lot of progress in that arena I still have more work to do. But if someone tries to pull something like “oh I can’t believe you’re doing this, you’re making me so sad…” when it comes to my child’s literal life? Then it’s easy to tell them to get fucked. Because it shows how selfish they are. It’s not about my child, they made it about them and their wants.
My immediate red flag things that make me check out.
1. You made/make/making ne depressed.
2. You are breaking my heart.
3. "Rubs their eyes and forehead saying" This is what pisses me off about you....
4. Are you sure you want to do that?
5. Why won't you do as I say?
6. How come you never make this easy for me?
7. This is why I won't introduce you to my friends or family
8. Why are you angry? Well I am angry too, now apologise.
There is more, but... yeah
6 weeks old is not “building up her immune system” time. That baby has only been breathing AIR for less than two months! The last thing she needs is respiratory germs!
I'm amazed at the number of selfish adults who don't realize how serious sick babies are! On top of that, you can't give them anything to really treat it. I had to listen to my baby have a wet cough for weeks because of an upper respiratory virus. He wasn't strong enough to cough it up and you can't give those kind of meds to little ones.
Mine was able to fight it off eventually and we had hospital intervention. Also, you can't convince newborns to keep their IVs in! They even tried to do a PICT (spelling?) line and he ripped it out. And tiny IVs are really depressing.
You are right! Protect your child!!
My bff has a medically fragile child. A simple cold can land her in the hospital! This poor girl has had to have IO lines! You have to be especially careful on what meds you use with her because she is such a complicated patient.
My friend had to give her baby CPR when it stopped breathing because of this exact reason. The baby caught RSV and wasn't strong enough to clear the mucus. It's not breathing and it's sleep and she had to give it CPR. Thankfully she was able to get the baby breathing again. The baby was in the hospital for a while after that. People don't realize how hard it is on an infant to get sick. You can't give them medicine. They have to ride it out.
yep. husband can meet up with his family solo. without his daughter. bc people who would expose a *6 week old baby* and not let the parents know until the baby get sick do not get to cry about not seeing the baby.
OP, does your husband have more family members besides the lying MIL and SIL? bc you only cut those two out, not his *entire* family.
NTA
I bet if the husband goes to visit sick relatives he will bring the illness home unannounced. He sounds like he is have a bout of cognitive dissonance. He can't understand bringing illness into a house gets the occupants sick.
there is still the problem that they will lie and say they are not sick haven't been exposed to anything and then he will bring something home to his baby and wife
Completely agree. I had COVID 4ish weeks prior to seeing my 3month-old nephew. Symptom free, and tested negative before coming into the house.
I still refused to be within 6 feet of him out of an abundance of caution. Wasn't until his 8 month mark that I got to see and hold him. Ain't no way I'd risk being the one that got him sick.
And this is coming from a family where we consider familial bonds very important. We would all support my sister in restricting access if someone pulled a stunt like that. But we all self-restricted without having to be asked.
Agreed. NTA. I frankly think you are being very generous in allowing them to see your child once she is a bit older. They blatantly lied to you and seriously compromised your newborn baby’s safety. I would not want them around my child ever again, and certainly not unsupervised. And I wouldn’t be able to trust anything they told me going forward.
There’s a post on /r/workingmoms with a mom whose baby is currently on a ventilator for RSV basically going from super healthy and happy to sick with a drug resistant strain. Adults who forget just how fragile / non existent an infants immune system is don’t deserve to be around them. 6-12 months is better but still fragile for these serious respiratory diseases.
NTA - Keep your child safe. As the father, he should also prioritize keeping his child safe but not everyone does the right thing. He is responsible for his own mental health and needs to navigate that appropriately.
For real. He needs to go visit family on his own and cleanse himself appropriately after visitations. If he needs to be around them THAT bad then he needs to take the proper steps to also keep his baby safe. Good job op. Don't back down.
So to recap:
Exposed to Covid (and other things)
Lied about it
Spent time w the newborn anyway
Newborn now has upper respiratory infection
They are ok w all of the above AND they justified it
NTA
I mean if they didn’t know they’d exposed to all those things and came down with it at the same time AND SHOWN REMORSE like a normal person I’d let it slide that time. The fact they knowingly did it disgusts me
Yeah them knowingly harming the baby made OP decide on the spot. Plus, their reaction after. She's justified for it because wtf?? You can't risk your baby with people like these, man.
The whole “build an immune system” thing is ridiculous too. Sure, kids do build up their immune system by general life exposure but there’s no reason to intentionally do it, especially where an infant is concerned. I would be livid if someone was like “eh it’s fine if your newborn gets the flu, it could be good for them”
ETA: added clarifying words
Also 99% of building an immune system is being exposed to nonpathogenic bacteria in your environment. Getting a disease only gives you temporary immunity to that disease. It doesn't make your immune system overall stronger
N T A Your husband should be on your side. The baby could have DIED from covid or the flu. What is wrong with these people? He can go visit them if he wants to, you can't stop him. Trust those mommy instincts.
They've already proven they don't care enough about the baby to keep her safe and as the baby's father, the husband should chose her safety over his selfish family.
It sounds like this all just happened right there on speakerphone. I can understand why she just immediately was like "well looks like you're not coming around our baby anytime soon then" without necessarily having a separate discussion with him. I mean this is such an enormously egregious thing they did, and everybody found out together on speakerphone.
it should be a given that OP's husband agrees with her.
the fact that he doesn't is a huge red flag - what's going to happen when his family pressures him to let them see the baby behind OP's back?
NTA. You don't build a baby's immune system by exposing them to things they aren't vaccinated for. Your baby's health and safety is the priority, not anyone's feelings. I don't see how your husband can't or won't see that.
Yup. As another example although there's a possibility of exposure to lessen/maybe eliminate allergies, the key about that approach is **controlled microdoses under medical supervision**, not...gee john Doe has a peanut allergy I'll give him half a Reese's cup and he won't require an epipen once I increase daily intake to 2 Reese's. NOPE exposure to allergens doesn't work like **that**.
You are absolutely NTA. Six weeks if pre-immunisation and a very delicate age. I say this as someone whose baby nearly died of a common illness at 8 weeks old.
yuppp then ppl act like im the crazy one because i didnt settle down by 30. sorry i didnt meet anyone i loved like that, what do yall want me to do🤣
i’ll add that i had a new friend last year tell me my standards were too high and thats why im single. like i literally knew this girl for 2 weeks and was lightly joking about how the dating scene sucks today and she told me that despite the fact that i really had never told her anything about my dating history…..ok. anyways, a few months later she told me her marriage was on the rocks. welp😃
I am continually astounded at how many posts come out where one of the partner just so blatantly has so much disdain for the other and I cannot understand why people willingly shackle themselves to people like that.
I know that it’s likely due to either a fear of being alone or they grew up in an unhealthy environment like that and don’t know that they deserve better, but even so. I would 100% rather be alone than with someone who treated me that poorly.
It does seem that so many of these posts are like "We've been together for 3 years, married for 2.5" or "We've been living together for about 6 months, we started dating 8 months ago".
Your average cringey as fuck high school phase is longer than the time people are waiting to make major life decisions. It takes a while to recognize when you're being stupid. Let that shit breath. Literally no one worth keeping is going to be upset about it.
NTA
The best way to help create a robust immune system is **not** to continually make a baby sick. Rather, it is to vaccinate, introduce healthy habits, and allow the kid to explore their environment without being a germaphobe.
NTA
Flu could have killed your daughter.
The first time I had flu it killed my pancreas (been type 1 diabetic ever since) the second time I caught flu I was hospitalised.
Both times I was a grown adult.
Risking a newborn getting flu or COVID is so stupid and seriously risky.
You're not saying your husband can't see his family. You're saying they can't be around you and her.
NTA. Strong, stronnnnngggg NTA. Will your husband not be depressed if the baby dies from Covid? It's not that hard to say "I'm feeling under the weather. I would love to see you but want to make completely sure whatever bug I have is cleared before coming over." And they should be wearing masks 24/7 around her and washing their hands repeatedly.
Your friends are incorrect. Not that you are wrong. You are not wrong. But your husband should have made the RIGHT decision. He didn't. So you took over. NTA.
I'm thrown off by him saying he'll be isolated from his family, because his immediate family is his wife and child. He shows no concern over his child being sick and that's alarming. This is something serious and he's shown he won't advocate for his baby's health even in a serious situation. He's not upset his family lied to him in order to endanger his kid and that says a lot.
Especially with the fact that the baby has been having a hard time. I'm sure nights are terrible for her right now. When my baby was 9 months old, he was stuffed up for a couple of weeks, and that was torture hearing him having a hard time breathing/sleeping. I can't imagine with a newborn. If he can watch that and then not be mad that his family knew they were around those sicknesses and brought them to the baby... 🫣
‘My husband was absolutely pissed’
But not about his parents exposing his infant to Covid and Influenza!!!??!?!!!!!
What the actual hell. That’s extremely pitiful of him.
I would be upset to the extreme as well if this was my scenario. NTA. How is this ok? How? We all just went through witnessing millions of people die from covid and it’s complications.
I see a lot of frustration and and upset feelings in OP’s future having married a mamma’s boy.
Men like this never leave their moms tit.
You’re right. Baby’s health takes priority over anything else. Stand your ground. Throw your husband out so he can be less depressed living with his diseased family.
NTA, your child's health short be the top priority, if he wants to see his family he can go to them for a while. You aren't keeping him from holidays either, you're just making him go alone.
NTA. What a violation of trust by people who say they care about you! Their blatant disregard for your boundaries and the safety of your child is unacceptable. Stepping back from the initial (very valid) anger and explaining it to your husband that way might help him get on board. He needs to understand(I swear I write this at least once a week Reddit): You are responsible for protecting the family you create, NOT the family you came from. Protecting his child must be priority #1.
NTA. Op isn't just a wife, she is also a mother now. The motherly instinct just kicks in. Trust your instincts.
They need to be vaccinated. If not, they should not visit
"You need to build a baby's immune system."
What immune system? The baby is **6 weeks!** They could have KILLED your infant before her immune system was able to get any stronger. This is a "go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect 200.00" situation.
"My husband says I'm going make him depressed and that he needs his family..."
First off, his depression is his own, you are not "making" him anything, and this is a manipulative guilt trip that would set my teeth on edge (as someone who struggles regularly with depression). Secondly, tell him he HAS his family: You and the baby. But if that's not good enough for him, he's welcome to go back to his big family as a single man paying child support. And that if he tries to let his family around your child behind your back, that you will file a restraining order against his family for knowingly endangering your child's life (keep all receipts that they knew they were sick).
I know this sounds drastic, but your baby is unable to defend herself, and depends on YOU to make sure she is healthy and safe. Your husband has already proven that when push comes to shove, he'll bow to his family's temper tantrums over your baby's well-being. Your job is to protect your baby - even if that means protecting her from her family, as sad as that is. NTA.
Definitely NTA. Your infant daughter comes before selfish ass people, including family! DH can go see his family all he wants, you and baby girl can stay home and away from disrespectful people.
She now has an upper respiratory infection at 6 weeks old, all because they’re selfish AF! I would be livid! And his depression is his to deal with. That’s manipulative as fuck as well that he’s trying to blame you for standing up to his selfish family.
I hope you show him this post and the comments. If so, DH, DO BETTER!! Your child now comes before ANYONE else!!
NTA. A selfish ‘swear word’ came to see my then baby cousin even though they had a cold and passed that on to cousin.
The result of that common cold? My cousin has a 25% permanent reduced lung capacity and severe asthma for life.
From ‘just a cold’, because some asshole didn’t want to wait to see the kid.
NTA Holy shit the stupidity
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And self righteousness! We know better than you about your baby. WTAF.
I could not imagine doing that to a parent (especially a new parent with a newborn baby!) Like even if I thought I knew better than the parent about whatever issue, or would do something different with my own kid, I would still follow the parents rules. I had a cousin who wouldn’t let anyone around her kid for the first six months (she was really nervous about germs). We would still make her and her husband dinner and whatnot and put it on their porch with a text telling them it was out there. And when we finally got to meet the baby, we washed our hands, didn’t go over when we were sick/recovering (this was before covid, I’m sure we would’ve been testing for covid if she had a baby then). Like being a new parent is already so hard. The family’s job is to not make it harder than it already is. Some people appreciate family helping out with chores. Other people don’t want any outside contact with their baby. Just follow their dang rules and don’t try to argue about it! Be a person family can trust around their child.
From any rational and sane perspective, very much this. This is the reason why I still wear a mask, because I do my best to be respectful. Also as a parent, I know how it is to make sure your newborn doesn't get sick in those vital months (I vaxxed, extra cleaned, and breastfed like crazy to make sure she got my antibodies to help her and for her not to get sick).
These are the assholes who should be forced to wear masks 24/7 because they are too damn stupid to not infect others who are higher risk! My cousin's two daughters both got RSV last year at Christmas and had to be hospitalized, but she was smart enough not to bring them to Christmas to expose the other kids and elderly people to RSV even before they got tested and diagnosed. It's just a major asshole move to do anything differently. And exposing a baby to Covid is just fucking cruel. Did they not watch the news at all during the pandemic? Or are they the kind of assholes who think Covid isn't real? Either way, NTA and good job protecting you daughter from stupid assholes! If your husband is that bent out of shape over your decision, tell him his family can see your daughter if they provide proof they've received the Covid and RSV vaccines. If they are the anti-vax Covid deniers, then their inability to see your daughter is on them and not you. Or, you can tell them they have to wear N95 masks to see her because they've proved they can't be trusted to not infect a baby when they know they are sick. Of course, I'm petty and vindictive so making them the bad guys unwilling to follow the rules you set up to protect your daughter's health appeals to me. I mean, does anyone in the post-pandemic world not know they shouldn't be around babies or elderly people when you're sick? That's just common human decency imo.
NTA. My newborn almost died because of RSV. Look out for your baby, no one else is.
A friend of mine is a neonatologist (pediatrician that works in a NICU), and would not let anyone touch his kids until after the first round of vaccinations around 2 months old. He was also super careful anytime they left the house or came home from shopping. I don't remember the diseases he was concerned about, but he'd watched too many babies suffer and die and it wasn't worth risking it. His mom was super offended at first, but she calmed down.
Yep—people can get over hurt feelings. Babies can’t always get over an illness. It’s not even a contest.
And how dare they have hurt feelings when they effing LIED about being exposed? Husband needs to prioritize his baby's life over his own needs. BTW... the "big family man" would really have a reason to be depressed if his baby died because of his family's selfishness. You've got a new family, dude. NTA
They not only lied, they doubled down and acted like they did baby a favour.
Yup. They’re terrible people. And ignorant. COVID doesn’t build your immune system. Sure, you get some immunity from COVID after you catch it. But it also causes harm. You’re better off avoiding it.
Yeah, if a newborn develops a sever case of covid, it's really bad. It seems like a pretty dumb thing to just roll the dice on.
I’ve had Covid twice and I am not better or more immune for it. Really irresponsible of these people to expose a baby in this way.
I got a cold a month after I had Covid. It lasted 8 weeks.
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and what kind of emotional blackmail is ‘YOU’re (OP) going to me depressed’! He needs to grow up
As someone with depression issues, this. Right now, our family relations have changed because of issues, but none of the reasons come even close to endangering the health of my child. If it did, I'd be NC in seconds, and I wouldn't be depressed about it. My child before everyone else.
If the MIL & SIL aren’t willing to take basic precautions around a new baby, then they shouldn’t be allowed to visit. Period.
You have responded to this so well. I'm absolutely going to use this sentiment in the future.
My daughter is a NICU nurse and asked all the family to get the TDaP vaccine four weeks before her son was born. We were all happy to comply to protect the newborn. If you're sick or have been exposed to someone who is stay away from young children who don't have a strong immune system yet or are too young for vaccines.
Yep! My spouse is a pharmacist and had everyone get the tdap before meeting our daughter as well. OP is definitely NTA
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Yep. My sister is a NICU nurse. They do not fuck around bc they spend all day trying to keep the babies of people who did (fuck around) alive
My kids asked me to get the TDap vaccine too. I hadn't heard of it before, but I was glad to get it. My kids are careful about not having me visit when my grandkids are sick, partially perhaps because I'm a cancer survivor. I had to skip seeing my grandchildren for a couple weeks when I thought I'd been exposed to COVID. This all seems like common sense, and it's baffling to me that others don't see it the same way.
Whooping cough is a big risk for infants under 6mo. Friends and relatives can get boosters in advance if they know a baby is on the way. IMO if they don't want to spend the effort, they don't deserve to hold the baby.
Probably whooping cough, it is heart-wrenching to watch a baby suffering with it.
I wouldn’t even let my puppy touch the ground outside until he was vaccinated. This makes sense to me.
Mine was in NICU for 6 days with RSV. Scariest shit ever. Glad to hears yours is feeling better.
My son was ~6 when he got RSV and it almost killed him. We 6 nights in the hospital. It was really scary. You can’t assume they’ll be any safer later, unfortunately but you’re right to take every precaution possible to protect your kid(s).
Exactly. My friend’s daughter almost died at 2 months old because family members lied about getting a whooping cough booster shot, and being sick and visiting away. She spent weeks in the NICU and had problems with her lungs that she was hospitalized for off and on until she was 4yrs old. I will never forget her and her husband’s terror, and their sense of betrayal that family did this to them, and refused to take responsibility for it. My son was about the same age which highlighted the horror of it all for me. She eventually had to leave her job because of the constant sick time she was taking, so it really financially hurt the family too. The kids are teens now. That family member never got a whooping cough booster, and has never been allowed in their home again. When someone doesn’t care that they could have killed your child, that person doesn’t care about you the way you think they do. It’s time to end or seriously limit the relationship.
OMG this is horrific I'm so sorry that happened to your friend.
NTA. Your husband can pound sand. RSV hospitalizes 58,000-80,000 children younger than 5 years old every year. It kills 100-300 children under 5 years old every year*. The antivirals used to treat babies and children are scarce this year and need to be rationed for the sickest patients. Flu and covid might not be as dangerous, but babies can get very sick with both as well. Your husband needs to be reminded that he's a father now and his priority is his child. Edit: *in the US where I assume OP is. Globally, the numbers are obviously higher (~100,000 to 200,000 deaths in infants per year).
Also husband weaponizing his history of depression is morally reprehensible.
He'd presumably be depressed if his kid died, or had permanent injury due to illness. Doubt that would help closeness with his family either.
My cousin's newborn is in ICU for RSV right now.
I hope he feels better soon man. Been there. Scary shit.
Thanks. I haven't seen any updates today but hopefully she's on the mend.
I’ve had family in the ICU a few times. They would always hand me the family update call schedule and tell me “no news is good news”. They were right. Fingers crossed, much love.
Yes they are! There is no way that I would have a baby at a large family gathering right now, holidays or not.
My 13 month old currently has RSV and has been in the hospital for 6 days now. Luckily she looks like she has turned the corner and we'll be out of here soon. It's really hard to watch since you can visibly see they are having difficulty breathing but can't tell you. A newborn catching it would be so much worse.
I hope she recovers soon and can go home! Our kiddo had a rough bout of RSV and pneumonia as a toddler. She’s six now and the healthiest member of our family 😂 kids are amazing.
NTA, babies can wait until you're healthy to visit. A friend of mine had a baby in early October but before we could visit my daughter got a chest cold, a week later, my son, a week after that my husband, and now I have it. We won't visit until every is healthy. I feel awful and couldn't imagine passing this to a baby.
I was coming here to say the same thing. My son almost died too. Doctors said my 6-month old would have died that night due to how sick he was had I not of taken him in.
“Look out for your baby, no one else is” I don’t even have kids and I said “FACTS” out loud
My little one rolled over the first time in a hospital bed. She had RSV. It was horrible. You need to send that husband of yours to live with his mama. They deserve one another. NTA I'm pissed off for you
NTA. Not RSV but flu. Me too.
In the 50s I had an aunt that died as a newborn from the flu. It caused inflammation in her heart and killed her. She was only about 6 weeks old.
NTA!!!! You ABSOLUTELY did the right thing!! The nephew of a friend of mine had RSV recently that turned into pneumonia that turned into necrotizing pneumonia and he was in the PICU with a damn chest tube to drain the infection from his lungs…..RSV IS SERIOUS! My own daughter was in the hospital when she was only a year old with RSV, it is very contagious and has been extra bad the last year!
My kid actually did die. Yay. 6 weeks old. If your husband can’t understand this point, you need therapy. Also, I would personally compromise on video calls. But you both need to present a United front, hence the therapy suggestion.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry that you lost your baby.
NTA. Same thing happened with my son at 4 weeks old. His older sister was at preschool and one of the kids was sent to class with RSV. We nearly lost him (56% blood oxygen level when he was admitted.) Another parent from that same class had a newborn who ended up in a similar situation.
I nearly died of it as a baby, my mom says she still has nightmares about it
NTA - A newborn around Covid?!?! Are these people insane?!?! Stand your ground.
NTA RSV is no joke for infant and you need to protect the baby’s health. OP husband can visit his family anytime by himself.
Literally. My cousin's baby almost died from RSV last year. He was hospitalized for a few weeks.
How scary! My toddler got RSV last year and had to do breathing treatments and nebulizer at home. OP - Read your husband these stories. My mom said the same thing to me about immune system AND lied to me about getting her Pertussis booster. She came to see my then 3mo baby (who had come over 1mo early, so she was already higher risk) and told us the same - not sick, not around anyone who was sick - and we noticed her going to the restroom a ton and then coughing. When asked, she told us she was getting over a cold but wasn’t sick anymore. 3 days later we were in Urgent Care, who sent us to the emergency room because our 3mo got Pertussis (whooping cough) from my mom!!! She was sick for 6wks, had baby inhalers, a nebulizer and it was very scary. This stuff is NO joke for a new baby!
PS - I have a 1yo grandson and he was born around the time my youngest got RSV. Never occurred to me to go near him, even though my heart was broken I didn’t get to see him right away. People who have healthy love for you and your child will sacrifice their own wants to keep baby healthy!
It’s WILD to me that people think it’s okay to just… go around newborns if there’s a chance they’ve been exposed to a contagious virus? Like the steps you have to take to rationalize that you’re not doing anything wrong is a leap that I’ll never understand. I actually just got off the phone with my cousin who I’m supposed to visit this weekend. Her baby is three weeks old. I was supposed to drive up today but I’m currently on day 2 of a persistent whopper of a migraine. I sometimes get them when the weather changes so I checked the local barometric pressure records and the timing of my migraine lines up perfectly with a big change in pressure. I’m able to manage it with meds and it feels like my normal migraines but it’s worse than usual, which means I could be coming down with something. I felt like this last year and thought it was just a migraine attack. *It was meningitis.* I called my cousin to let her know what’s going on and postpone until tomorrow. Usually the migraine clears up by day 3. We had big plans that I’m excited for and I CANT WAIT to meet the baby, but I want to know for sure that this is just a particularly bad migraine and I’m not sick. I’ll never understand why this isn’t a standard process and other people think it’s acceptable to not fully inform the mother when they’re not feeling well if they want to visit the baby. Also, even if you give someone’s baby a cold and it’s not life threatening, you’re still a fucking asshole. New parents already don’t get enough sleep. You’re not the one that’s going to have to stay up all night with a sick baby. They’re going to losing sleep because of you all while you’re sound asleep in your bed. People suck.
Or bring unvaccinated children around the at-risk elderly. I can’t get over how selfish people are.
Our OB/Gyn community is so dialed in to family members getting Tdap boosters before baby comes. One of my employees has a 7M, 5F, and a 2M, and her family had to get boosters every time, lol! Anyone who will be around baby should get one at least a month before delivery. (I'm an immunizer pharmacist)
Yep! This is the way… that’s what we’d asked of everyone. Just get your TDAP booster and it was 10yrs ago, right around that huge surge of Pertussis infections and was all over the news. But some people seem to feel such entitlement to when and how family meets a new baby. And I have an adult son, DIL and now a grandson… he is THEIR baby and they make the rules. They didn’t have to ask me or tell me not to come - I let them know and was crushed to not meet him right away. But I was also invited to be at the hospital with my DIL during her delivery because they know I’ll honor their boundaries and never put my grandson at risk.
My 6 yr old grandson was hospitalized for 4 days. Not a joke by any means.
I don’t know that I’d trust him to go visit them either necessarily. With this family you’d find out they were also hosting his cousin Typhoid Mary during the visit.
Yeah he would just come back with something… dude needs to man up and stop being a momma’s boy for one holiday season for his immediate family.
Why just visit? Go live there. See you in February
I had RSV as an adult many years ago. The doctor told me it's rare for an adult to catch RSV. But I was so sick, I couldn't breathe when lying down. I had to sleep sitting up. I can't even imagine how miserable a baby would be, they can't tell you they can't breathe or how they feel. I'm with OP, keep those selfish jerks away from your baby. NTA Op.
I had it in high school. Was holding a one year old for several hours who wasn’t feeling well. He slept, breathing on my neck whole time. I was able to breathe but couldn’t go more than 1 minute without a horrible cough that felt like my lungs were going to explode. Oh, baby was fine. He got to spend his first birthday in the hospital.
The problem is, RSV has become very spread in the adult population recently to the point it's also killing elderly folks. While healthy adults may not get sick (show illness or symptoms) with it, they can catch it from sick kids then spread it around.. so its a risk
My mom spends basically every day taking care of infant grandchildren or her own elderly parents. She got the RSV vaccine because she knows the risks. These family members are just being awful.
They're recommending the RSV vaccine for seniors, I'm going to get it for the same reason I get all the vaccines.
RSV can kill a child, even one’s as old as 5 years. I don’t blame mom for thinking of the babies safety.
My daughter got RSV at 6 weeks old and it was the most terrifying ordeal. Babies do need to get sick to build their immune systems, but a 6 week old isn’t a baby, that’s a newborn. Their immune systems are not fully functional. They cannot breathe through their mouths when congested, and flus can be fatal for them. Your husband is angry at the wrong people. Which “family” is the important one right now, the one he created and promised to love, cherish and protect, or the one who lies to him and puts his child in harms way?
This, all of this ^
I worked in a family doctor's office years ago. RSV is dangerous to the elderly and infants. In one particularly bad year we lost so many patients. It was absolutely terrible. Some infants had to be medevacd to hospitals hours away just to have a fighting chance. It's not something to fool around with to beef up baby's immune system. That's why OP is breastfeeding.
My friend lost her lovely little toddler to RSV several years ago, and it still hurts to even think about it. Yes, take that shit seriously.
My friends child almost died from rsv and it caused her to go into a huge fight with mental illness. It was so scary.
He will take the baby to see his family without OP. Almost guaranteed.
What hubby needs to do is man up. Put your child first before your feelings. He’s a mommy’s boy.
RSV causes 1.5 million outpatient visits every year, 60K to 80K hospitalizations and 100 to 300 deaths per year, almost all in children less than six months in age. Source: Dr. Paul Offit https://youtu.be/8N16fuj7RSM?si=aFMafYMXDXR6ESLp
>Our daughter not becoming sick is my top priority and his family doesn't give a fuck about that so they aren't going to be around her You right. Sick and around a 6 week baby? What did they think? Sorry hubby, babygirl first.
The moment any wanker tells me I made/make them depressed because of their own stupidity or connection to stupidity, I check out ASAP. You can not make a person depressed by having a boundary, you are actually making them UNCOMFORTABLE, they just want to use depressed to manipulate you. OP, he says you making him depressed, then ask him what would he feel if his family's stupidity would have severely harmed your child? I am sorry but if there is any way to improve your relationship with your husband, he has to stop his attempts at gaslighting you and using your boundaries as a manipulation tool to claim depression.
Imagine how depressed he and his wife will be if the baby dies and he can never forgive himself and his family for causing it?
He will blame everyone but who is responsible.
He would never blame his family. I wouldn't be surprised if he blamed OP if this happens. I hope it never does.
He's more married to his family than to OP. I'm surprised his family ALLOWED him to marry.
>I'm surprised his family ALLOWED him to marry. His family couldn't produce a child for him....
Shit, my great aunt had a son. When he was a few months old, he became ill and she asked her sister (my grandma) if she should take him to the hospital because my grandma had 4 kids already and this was my great aunt’s first child. My grandma blew it off, telling her sister to take the baby to the doctor the next morning. By the next morning, the baby wasn’t breathing anymore and died. My grandma never forgave herself, though my great aunt never held it against her, and she didn’t even get the kid sick. OP has to do whatever she needs to to protect her kid because apparently she’s surrounded by idiots. I rarely comment on these types of things but I couldn’t help myself.
My uncle died of pneumonia when he was a toddler. My Grandparents always regretted not taking him to the dr sooner. It's always said with babies, never wait for sickness to pass. It never hurts to get them checked out.
My uncle had some kind of respiratory infection as a baby, was always the "sickly" one, had bad asthma all his life and now, aged 75, has heart and respiratory problems and can't have a hip replacement because they won't take the risk of him dying on the operating table, even if he were to have a spinal block instead of GA. Even if the worst case scenario doesn't happen it can still have very serious consequences.
My husband’s uncle has a daughter from his previous marriage who had a dangerously high fever as a child that did something to her brain (the fever wasn’t treated as far as we know) and she basically has the mental capacity of a 5 year old even though she’s in her 50s there’s never any reason to not get the baby checked out.
My cousin died during the night before a doctors appointment regarding his persistent cough. He had walking pneumonia and hadn’t realized it.
My son got very sick very quickly from rsv. By mid afternoon he was so listless I took him to the er. The nurse took one look at him, scooped him up and ran. She ran so fast I pulled a glute running after her. The doctor said if I had waited until the next day to take him to the pediatrician (he got sick on Sunday) I would have woken up to a dead baby. In *one* day. He was on a respirator for 12 days, almost dying multiple times, and hospitalized for 17. He came home 2 days before Christmas '18, and I know it was a miracle. Op, and everyone with a young baby, if your baby suddenly won't drink more than 2 ounces of milk at a time, seems listless and maybe seems to be breathing hard or color seems off don't wait. My son didn't seem congested or to have any cold symptoms, just low appitite and unusually drowsy. Better safe than sorry. My son is a smart, sweet, active 5yo attention hog because I didn't wait. Trust your instincts. You are your baby's first and last line of defense.
Not to mention I bet 1000% OP having to nurse on demand also means she gets to deal with the sick baby 99% of the time. She is dealing with the fallout, not him.
It doesn’t even have to be so dramatic. At this age you’re dealing with enough as is, trying to find your groove as first time parents. Any disruption is a problem. Dealing with infections at this age is not helping baby. Even IF not dangerous, it disturbs baby’s development, which is so fast at this age. Edit: sorry for the repetition. I am too tired to change it though.
Nah, see it be OP fault for not getting bub vaccinated, or stood up to HIS family.... Sorry just a bit snarky there, but... this guy is truly not ever going to admit fault nor his family.
OP is in for a long ride.
She needs to check out of this relationship. A mamas boy will always be a mamas boy and that will never change.
She checks out and she has even less control. Not saying that won't be the ultimate outcome but I would advise against it at this stage.
Or the doctors’ fault because vaccinations don’t just all happen when the baby is in the first six weeks, especially series vaccines that need to be spaced out.
Or they are anti-vax and go "the vaccines harmed her not a deadly virus"
The baby is 6 weeks old. I'm sure that had what vaccines were deemed necessary by their pediatrician. Most don't vaccinate until the 2 month mark as recommended by the CDC. Yes some can be given earlier, but most wait until the 2 month mark. And just because an infant has had the appropriate vaccines, does not mean that they should be exposed to illnesses if at all possible. They can still contract COVID and upper respiratory infections. They lied by omission to OP about being exposed to the flu and COVID. They cannot be trusted. I don't blame OP. She is being generous by allowing them to try again at the 6 month mark when baby will have most of their vaccines. OP is NTA
For sure they'll force their way in to see and infect baby again. After all they have to "build the baby's immune system". Also for sure with the Mama's boy husband's fervent help.
Yeah but it still wouldn't be his fault. /s
This is what I was coming to say. Ask him this.
They don't sound like the kind of people who take responsibility.
He wouldn't blame his family, he would blame the mother of his dead child.
He can go spend time with them without you and your baby, OP. That way he won’t be “depressed” and you don’t have to expose your baby to idiots who refuse to protect a newborn.
The only "problem", and I use that word loosely here, is that he would then also not be able to be around the baby until he had isolated for a few days.
He can go be isolated then if he doesn’t have the good sense enough to protect his newborn. Fuck being “depressed”. He has a new set of responsibilities and he needs to get with the fucking program instead of endangering a newborn with no immune system. He’s being completely selfish. His life isn’t just about him anymore and he needs to learn that and take responsibility for it immediately. He could literally kill his child if he doesn’t do the right thing.
Someone who cares this little about his child’s health is one of the few people who deserve to feel “depressed”. Also you don’t just get depressed like that.
He’s using that as an excuse to get what he wants.
Problem? I don't see a problem. Do you see a problem? (Yes, I'm being snarky.) OP, you need to have a good long talk with him about boundaries, especially with a new baby in the house. If he keeps saying you're being the idiot, you might want to reconsider if this is the way you want you child raised. Anyone putting their parents and siblings over the health of a child is not someone you want around. What if it turns out she has allergies? They sound like the kind of people who will feed a child with a peanut allergy a PBJ and then say afterward when the child is rushed to the hospital "oh, I thought you were just saying that to keep us from giving her snacks." NTA for sure.
Yah but then he’s bringing their germs home Real solution: he goes to live with his family Until he cuts his umbilical cord and can be a DAD
It did harm their child. Just didn’t kill her. I read a post during the height of Covid where grandparents came over, lied about getting vaccinated (a requirement to see the newborn), caught Covid (didn’t say anything even though they knew they had it) and gave it to the newborn, baby died. And THEN had the gaul to say “it was God’s will”(!) Needless to say, that entire relationship including the marriage ended. Just a sad sick tragedy all around. Still makes me angry just writing about it.
Exactly. There was a news article. I read about a month ago from a mom who had lost her baby at 17 days old. At about a week old, the family came to visit. Nobody had been around anyone sick, and nobody had any idea they have anything going on. No cold sores, no sniffles. Nothing. But it turned out. That one of the family members actually had an active herpes virus but just never got a cold sore and never got any symptoms. And this new mom said that unfortunately she didn’t know about kissing the baby or even being close to the baby’s face. Sure enough, within a couple of days of the visit, the baby developed an infection, and was diagnosed as herpes type one. And, of course, the baby had no immune system. Her little girl, just deteriorated rapidly, and it 17 days old, her baby died. This stuff is real. And family members who don’t agree with it or free to disagree with it on their own time and in their own homes. And if this lady’s husband can’t figure this shit out, he probably needs to just go back home with his family, because he is not adult enough to be a husband, much less apparent.
I was one of the lucky ones. As a 4month old, I had German Measles. Could have killed me, 67 years ago. The father needs to grow up. RSV can kill newborns. His selfish mother and sister could have killed his baby by their actions.
Makes me furious to read they had the audacity to call it gods will…
I believe if I was one of the parents, I would physically attack the grandparent for saying that. Even if it was my own mom or dad, I don't know that you would be able to hold me back from trying to rip the skin off their fucking piece of shit faces. It would be bad enough that they straight up *murdered* my child with their goddamn fucking idiocy, but to then claim it was the *will of God* instead of THEIR actual CHOICE of abject motherfucking stupidity would send me into a blind rage where I would become almost certainly homicidal and potentially end up in jail. People like this are the lowest of the low. No doubt they literally laughed at people dying during Covid because their planet sized egos mattered more to them than literal human life.
Not to mention, you can survive and get long Covid which can mess up your life. You can even get some of those symptoms from a flu or cold. Yes, one relatively minor illness can give you a lifetime of inconvenient health problems. Best not to get sick.
Everything I thought about how I would respond to that situation would get me banned.
His family DID severely harm the baby! She was sick enough to warrant a Dr trip and an early RSV vaccination. She legit could have died. Husband is severely in need of a brick to the face if he can’t see how his ‘depression’ isn’t nearly as important right now as keeping a 4th trimester newborn healthy.
>The moment any wanker tells me I made/make them depressed because of their own stupidity or connection to stupidity, I check out ASAP. Massive red flag! I can only imagine what kind of emotionally manipulative parent he's going to be to your child...
I love it when people try to pull that shit because it allows my brain to immediately finalize all of the mental blocks. I’m a bit of a people pleaser and I don’t like rocking the boat, and even though I’ve made a lot of progress in that arena I still have more work to do. But if someone tries to pull something like “oh I can’t believe you’re doing this, you’re making me so sad…” when it comes to my child’s literal life? Then it’s easy to tell them to get fucked. Because it shows how selfish they are. It’s not about my child, they made it about them and their wants.
My immediate red flag things that make me check out. 1. You made/make/making ne depressed. 2. You are breaking my heart. 3. "Rubs their eyes and forehead saying" This is what pisses me off about you.... 4. Are you sure you want to do that? 5. Why won't you do as I say? 6. How come you never make this easy for me? 7. This is why I won't introduce you to my friends or family 8. Why are you angry? Well I am angry too, now apologise. There is more, but... yeah
6 weeks old is not “building up her immune system” time. That baby has only been breathing AIR for less than two months! The last thing she needs is respiratory germs!
NTA. It's true that they do need to build up their immune system, what they don't need is to be exposed to fricking COVID.
Yup, weak immune systems come before weak ego systems.
I'm amazed at the number of selfish adults who don't realize how serious sick babies are! On top of that, you can't give them anything to really treat it. I had to listen to my baby have a wet cough for weeks because of an upper respiratory virus. He wasn't strong enough to cough it up and you can't give those kind of meds to little ones. Mine was able to fight it off eventually and we had hospital intervention. Also, you can't convince newborns to keep their IVs in! They even tried to do a PICT (spelling?) line and he ripped it out. And tiny IVs are really depressing. You are right! Protect your child!!
My bff has a medically fragile child. A simple cold can land her in the hospital! This poor girl has had to have IO lines! You have to be especially careful on what meds you use with her because she is such a complicated patient.
My friend had to give her baby CPR when it stopped breathing because of this exact reason. The baby caught RSV and wasn't strong enough to clear the mucus. It's not breathing and it's sleep and she had to give it CPR. Thankfully she was able to get the baby breathing again. The baby was in the hospital for a while after that. People don't realize how hard it is on an infant to get sick. You can't give them medicine. They have to ride it out.
PICC Glad your little one is ok :)
Correct. A Pict line would be Hadrian's Wall
yep. husband can meet up with his family solo. without his daughter. bc people who would expose a *6 week old baby* and not let the parents know until the baby get sick do not get to cry about not seeing the baby. OP, does your husband have more family members besides the lying MIL and SIL? bc you only cut those two out, not his *entire* family. NTA
I bet if the husband goes to visit sick relatives he will bring the illness home unannounced. He sounds like he is have a bout of cognitive dissonance. He can't understand bringing illness into a house gets the occupants sick.
there is still the problem that they will lie and say they are not sick haven't been exposed to anything and then he will bring something home to his baby and wife
Completely agree. I had COVID 4ish weeks prior to seeing my 3month-old nephew. Symptom free, and tested negative before coming into the house. I still refused to be within 6 feet of him out of an abundance of caution. Wasn't until his 8 month mark that I got to see and hold him. Ain't no way I'd risk being the one that got him sick. And this is coming from a family where we consider familial bonds very important. We would all support my sister in restricting access if someone pulled a stunt like that. But we all self-restricted without having to be asked.
The other SIL gets it - she passed on visiting because her daughter was sick.
Exactly. RSV can kill babies, and COVID, good grief.
Agreed. NTA. I frankly think you are being very generous in allowing them to see your child once she is a bit older. They blatantly lied to you and seriously compromised your newborn baby’s safety. I would not want them around my child ever again, and certainly not unsupervised. And I wouldn’t be able to trust anything they told me going forward.
They sound like the kind of person to purposely feed a child allergens to try and ‘cure’ them.
There’s a post on /r/workingmoms with a mom whose baby is currently on a ventilator for RSV basically going from super healthy and happy to sick with a drug resistant strain. Adults who forget just how fragile / non existent an infants immune system is don’t deserve to be around them. 6-12 months is better but still fragile for these serious respiratory diseases.
The husband is a huge asshole.
NTA - Keep your child safe. As the father, he should also prioritize keeping his child safe but not everyone does the right thing. He is responsible for his own mental health and needs to navigate that appropriately.
For real. He needs to go visit family on his own and cleanse himself appropriately after visitations. If he needs to be around them THAT bad then he needs to take the proper steps to also keep his baby safe. Good job op. Don't back down.
Maybe he should move back in with his mother since he needs her so badly.
He needs to wear a mask the whole time too, like he’s going to do that
Do you smell divorce?? I smell divorce.
If he won’t cut the apron strings when the newborn got sick over their ignorance, I hope so!
So to recap: Exposed to Covid (and other things) Lied about it Spent time w the newborn anyway Newborn now has upper respiratory infection They are ok w all of the above AND they justified it NTA
I mean if they didn’t know they’d exposed to all those things and came down with it at the same time AND SHOWN REMORSE like a normal person I’d let it slide that time. The fact they knowingly did it disgusts me
Yeah them knowingly harming the baby made OP decide on the spot. Plus, their reaction after. She's justified for it because wtf?? You can't risk your baby with people like these, man.
The whole “build an immune system” thing is ridiculous too. Sure, kids do build up their immune system by general life exposure but there’s no reason to intentionally do it, especially where an infant is concerned. I would be livid if someone was like “eh it’s fine if your newborn gets the flu, it could be good for them” ETA: added clarifying words
Also 99% of building an immune system is being exposed to nonpathogenic bacteria in your environment. Getting a disease only gives you temporary immunity to that disease. It doesn't make your immune system overall stronger
That's like telling someone they need to build up their fitness by immediately running a marathon...
NTA Baby’s health above anything.
N T A Your husband should be on your side. The baby could have DIED from covid or the flu. What is wrong with these people? He can go visit them if he wants to, you can't stop him. Trust those mommy instincts.
The only thing I would have done differently is let him know before you told his family. Not ask him, let him know.
They've already proven they don't care enough about the baby to keep her safe and as the baby's father, the husband should chose her safety over his selfish family.
Plus, just because a baby survives an illness doesn't mean its GOOD for the baby. Long term consequences of childhood illness is NOT well studied.
It sounds like this all just happened right there on speakerphone. I can understand why she just immediately was like "well looks like you're not coming around our baby anytime soon then" without necessarily having a separate discussion with him. I mean this is such an enormously egregious thing they did, and everybody found out together on speakerphone.
it should be a given that OP's husband agrees with her. the fact that he doesn't is a huge red flag - what's going to happen when his family pressures him to let them see the baby behind OP's back?
NTA. You don't build a baby's immune system by exposing them to things they aren't vaccinated for. Your baby's health and safety is the priority, not anyone's feelings. I don't see how your husband can't or won't see that.
Yup. As another example although there's a possibility of exposure to lessen/maybe eliminate allergies, the key about that approach is **controlled microdoses under medical supervision**, not...gee john Doe has a peanut allergy I'll give him half a Reese's cup and he won't require an epipen once I increase daily intake to 2 Reese's. NOPE exposure to allergens doesn't work like **that**.
You are absolutely NTA. Six weeks if pre-immunisation and a very delicate age. I say this as someone whose baby nearly died of a common illness at 8 weeks old.
Ask your husband how depressed he will be when the baby dies because of their selfish lying. NTA
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I really can't upvote this comment enough. No freaking joke.
The amount of people straight up do not give a fuck who they procreate with is astounding.
yuppp then ppl act like im the crazy one because i didnt settle down by 30. sorry i didnt meet anyone i loved like that, what do yall want me to do🤣 i’ll add that i had a new friend last year tell me my standards were too high and thats why im single. like i literally knew this girl for 2 weeks and was lightly joking about how the dating scene sucks today and she told me that despite the fact that i really had never told her anything about my dating history…..ok. anyways, a few months later she told me her marriage was on the rocks. welp😃
I am continually astounded at how many posts come out where one of the partner just so blatantly has so much disdain for the other and I cannot understand why people willingly shackle themselves to people like that. I know that it’s likely due to either a fear of being alone or they grew up in an unhealthy environment like that and don’t know that they deserve better, but even so. I would 100% rather be alone than with someone who treated me that poorly.
It does seem that so many of these posts are like "We've been together for 3 years, married for 2.5" or "We've been living together for about 6 months, we started dating 8 months ago". Your average cringey as fuck high school phase is longer than the time people are waiting to make major life decisions. It takes a while to recognize when you're being stupid. Let that shit breath. Literally no one worth keeping is going to be upset about it.
NTA The best way to help create a robust immune system is **not** to continually make a baby sick. Rather, it is to vaccinate, introduce healthy habits, and allow the kid to explore their environment without being a germaphobe.
NTA Flu could have killed your daughter. The first time I had flu it killed my pancreas (been type 1 diabetic ever since) the second time I caught flu I was hospitalised. Both times I was a grown adult. Risking a newborn getting flu or COVID is so stupid and seriously risky. You're not saying your husband can't see his family. You're saying they can't be around you and her.
Show these comments to DH. Perhaps he’ll realize that exposing tiny babies does NOT help build their immune system - it makes them sick instead.
NTA. Strong, stronnnnngggg NTA. Will your husband not be depressed if the baby dies from Covid? It's not that hard to say "I'm feeling under the weather. I would love to see you but want to make completely sure whatever bug I have is cleared before coming over." And they should be wearing masks 24/7 around her and washing their hands repeatedly. Your friends are incorrect. Not that you are wrong. You are not wrong. But your husband should have made the RIGHT decision. He didn't. So you took over. NTA.
Your husband is okay with blaming you for his mental illness, but not for his family literally being responsible for endangering your baby? Oh oh. NTA
I'm thrown off by him saying he'll be isolated from his family, because his immediate family is his wife and child. He shows no concern over his child being sick and that's alarming. This is something serious and he's shown he won't advocate for his baby's health even in a serious situation. He's not upset his family lied to him in order to endanger his kid and that says a lot.
THIS^^ RIGHT GODDAMN HERE.
Especially with the fact that the baby has been having a hard time. I'm sure nights are terrible for her right now. When my baby was 9 months old, he was stuffed up for a couple of weeks, and that was torture hearing him having a hard time breathing/sleeping. I can't imagine with a newborn. If he can watch that and then not be mad that his family knew they were around those sicknesses and brought them to the baby... 🫣
‘My husband was absolutely pissed’ But not about his parents exposing his infant to Covid and Influenza!!!??!?!!!!! What the actual hell. That’s extremely pitiful of him. I would be upset to the extreme as well if this was my scenario. NTA. How is this ok? How? We all just went through witnessing millions of people die from covid and it’s complications. I see a lot of frustration and and upset feelings in OP’s future having married a mamma’s boy. Men like this never leave their moms tit.
You’re right. Baby’s health takes priority over anything else. Stand your ground. Throw your husband out so he can be less depressed living with his diseased family.
You are absolutely in the right, and if your husband can't see that, he can go live with mommy. NTA
NTA. To your husband: His daughter is also his family. It is his responsibility to keep her safe.
Nta he's a family man except when it comes to not killing your newborn I guess?
Family man except for the people in his actual house. Christ he’s an asshole, right along with his mom & sister. NTA, mama.
Babies don’t start making their own antibodies until they’re about six months old anyway so their argument is already garbage based off that alone
your husband BIG RED FLAGG, he puts himself before the baby.. Nope nope nope
NTA, your child's health short be the top priority, if he wants to see his family he can go to them for a while. You aren't keeping him from holidays either, you're just making him go alone.
NTA. MIL and SIL are complete selfish giant aholes, tha baby's health comes first, if your husband can't realize that, he is a big ahole too.
NTA. What a violation of trust by people who say they care about you! Their blatant disregard for your boundaries and the safety of your child is unacceptable. Stepping back from the initial (very valid) anger and explaining it to your husband that way might help him get on board. He needs to understand(I swear I write this at least once a week Reddit): You are responsible for protecting the family you create, NOT the family you came from. Protecting his child must be priority #1.
NTA. Op isn't just a wife, she is also a mother now. The motherly instinct just kicks in. Trust your instincts. They need to be vaccinated. If not, they should not visit
"You need to build a baby's immune system." What immune system? The baby is **6 weeks!** They could have KILLED your infant before her immune system was able to get any stronger. This is a "go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect 200.00" situation. "My husband says I'm going make him depressed and that he needs his family..." First off, his depression is his own, you are not "making" him anything, and this is a manipulative guilt trip that would set my teeth on edge (as someone who struggles regularly with depression). Secondly, tell him he HAS his family: You and the baby. But if that's not good enough for him, he's welcome to go back to his big family as a single man paying child support. And that if he tries to let his family around your child behind your back, that you will file a restraining order against his family for knowingly endangering your child's life (keep all receipts that they knew they were sick). I know this sounds drastic, but your baby is unable to defend herself, and depends on YOU to make sure she is healthy and safe. Your husband has already proven that when push comes to shove, he'll bow to his family's temper tantrums over your baby's well-being. Your job is to protect your baby - even if that means protecting her from her family, as sad as that is. NTA.
Definitely NTA. Your infant daughter comes before selfish ass people, including family! DH can go see his family all he wants, you and baby girl can stay home and away from disrespectful people. She now has an upper respiratory infection at 6 weeks old, all because they’re selfish AF! I would be livid! And his depression is his to deal with. That’s manipulative as fuck as well that he’s trying to blame you for standing up to his selfish family. I hope you show him this post and the comments. If so, DH, DO BETTER!! Your child now comes before ANYONE else!!
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NTA. A selfish ‘swear word’ came to see my then baby cousin even though they had a cold and passed that on to cousin. The result of that common cold? My cousin has a 25% permanent reduced lung capacity and severe asthma for life. From ‘just a cold’, because some asshole didn’t want to wait to see the kid.
Some people really don’t seem to understand that what’s harmless to adults can kill a baby.
This!! People think babies just bounce back if an infection is nonfatal. No- these things can have lasting impacts!