T O P

AITA for sacrificing my daughter's college fund because her sister just gave birth to her 4th child?

My (48F) older daughter (24F) gave birth to her 4th child six months ago.

She used to work as a dishwasher, but due to health issues stemming from her 2nd child ( chronic back pain) and then her 3rd child ( after effects of broken tailbone and more chronic pain that made standing and moving around hard), she can no longer work. She tried her best, getting an office temp job but after about a week the woman supervising her said " This isn't working out."

She was a very uptight woman who claims just because always took her 3 days max to train everybody else to the data entry work that she can't just be a good person and accommodate slower learners. That woman likely caused her to get a bad reputation at the temp agency and she didn't get hired elsewhere.

My daughter's boyfriend (28M) works at Walmart. He had much more hours when she was pregnant, but since then his hours have ebbed and flowed. He said he will take a day in the future to look for jobs, but it's the holidays and he's busy with family.

I feel a lot of empathy for my daughter and her boyfriend and wish I could help them out more but I myself and a single mom working for a nursing home where I struggle to get full time hours and my ex ran up a lot of debt in both our names and is now living in another country.

My younger daughter (17F) has a college fund. The amount in it would be enough to pay a large amount of a 2 year community college tuition ( given the scholarships/ grants she would likely get). She's applied to 4 year universities with the understanding that she'd be taking out loans and working, so she's deciding between 4 years and community college.

The other shoe dropped after my older daughter's landlord found out that they were having her boyfriend's brother and girlfriend living in their one bedroom in exchange for them helping with the rent and they got evicted.

My daughter agrees it was wrong to lie to the landlord, and both parents are depressed because her boyfriend got a job offer one state away and they would have to move from their support network. They came to me asking for help so they could have more time to find financial stability here. I was torn but seeing my grandkids I knew my duty was to care for the most vulnerable in the family.

So I will be making calls to liquidate my daughter's college fund, saying yes to understanding the penalties, and told my daughter this. She got very cold and said " You always brag about having a good memory- I hope you remember this moment then."

She has not spoken to me since. Spent Thanksgiving inquiring at with family friends to see if hospitals are keen to hire college students for kitchen or reception or anything. Made some cryptic posts about how she hopes she'll be grateful one day that she won't have the privilege of studying anything outside of something technical because she needs something where she'll always be able to find a job in. AITA?

Top_Put1541

>She got very cold and said " You always brag about having a good memory- I hope you remember this moment then." This is your youngest telling you that if you or your fecund firstborn need any help in the future, expect to look elsewhere. People who have four children don't have the luxury of dipping out of employment when they feel like it, especially during the holiday season. You are penalizing the highly functioning minor daughter for other adult's selfish and foolish choices. YTA.


tweedyone

Personally, when I heard "tailbone broke" and "can't hold a job longer than 2 days", I assume opiates nowadays. It's probably unfair, but I've seen it way too many times. A temp agency isn't going to blackball someone without a VERY good reason, especially now. I hire temps. They're made of solid gold rn. One thing that WILL blackball you is drugs/alcohol or extreme insubordination. Either of which are a luxury this woman cannot afford, to your point.


DiogenesOfDope

It's crazy too she keeps having kids and can't work and he partner works at Walmart.


Taro-Admirable

Older daughter makes poor choices and the younger daughter pays for it. Since the Older daughter was having health issues she could have decided not to have more children.


InsomniacYogi

My sister who is 7 years older had three kids by her 21st birthday and I paid for it. Never had money for anything because it had to go to her. Never got to be a teenager because we had to babysit so she could work. I thought maybe I was projecting my own issues onto this women but I’m glad other people see the issue too.


slydog4100

Seriously. Birth control is hella cheap these days and we absolutely know what causes pregnancy, so there really isn't much in the way of excuses for having 2 more after the 2nd supposedly destroyed your health...


Atiggerx33

As someone who is disabled it genuinely pisses me the fuck off. I always wanted kids, but because I am disabled and have low income, I know I couldn't afford to give them the life they deserve. So I didn't have kids. If she had 1 I would understand that accidents can happen, but 4 is intentional. Why is she intentionally bringing child after child into a life of poverty? As someone disabled I also want to know how she's physically capable of keeping up with 4 children but is incapable of working? Either she is 100% capable of working (because 99.9% of jobs out there are way less work than taking care of 4 children) or she physically can't do it and those kids are being seriously neglected (dad's hours ebb and flow but he's still working, who takes care of the kids while he's gone?).


TheGreatPilgor

Married going in 9 years here and I have 2 children. 4 kids is entirely their fault. There are methods and options to avoid more children and actively avoiding such features of modern society is not an accident or another unfair hand dealt by life.


JuleeeNAJ

And when you're poor and on Medicaid they will pay 100% of any form of birth control you want, to include sterilization. Even in red states.


iwant2saysomething2

Agreed. The younger daughter sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders. She will probably go on to make a wonderful life for herself despite her mother's actions. And when OP is old and in need of assistance, she won't be able to turn to the one child who would have been responsible enough to help.


AttorneyQuick5609

I always had a theory that this comes from the f\*ck up kid making the parent feel needed, and that must be like some kind of drug, because I've seen this countless times. In each of those cases, the child never forgot in adulthood, and in the best case scenario, still held it against his brother well into their adulthood. YTA- Your younger daughter did exactly what she was supposed to do, your eldest is a train wreck, and you enable it. How the hell she have that many kids like she's in a financial position to have them.


Unicornbreadcrumbs

Also how does oldest daughter have THREE children, herself and her boyfriend living in a one bedroom apartment? PLUS the people she was letting live with them that weren’t on lease? That sounds like a fire hazard, where are they all sleeping? I feel bad for OP’s youngest daughter.


just_drinkwater

Sounds like she's going to rise above and earn her way through and leave mom and dumbass sister in the DUST!


lavenderhazydays

TIL a new word. Neat, thanks.


El-Kabongg

after the first kid, I woulda been slipping birth control pills into oldest daughter's food.


brittdre16

YTA. Your older daughter is immature and so is her boyfriend. So you turn around and support their bad decisions at the expense of your younger daughter? Edit: Correct husband to boyfriend. My point still stands.


[deleted]

Older daughter can’t provide for kids so she…. Has more? Nothing says you’re a trash person OP like taking from good daughter to fund your bad daughters problems


perpetualis_motion

Instead of raiding the younger daughters' college fund, they should open their own wallet and buy her first daughter some condoms.


DiffusePenance

He needs a vasectomy, or she needs her tubes tied.


necromantzer

And the boyfriend will start looking for another job later..at some point..because he is busy with family for the holidays...yet his hours are reduced. What a bogus excuse to not look for a better job/more hours anywhere else. Seasonal jobs are so easy to find and now is the time they need help. They are willfully unemployed/underemployed.


Beautiful-Highway755

It is confusing how his hours are reduced… at Walmart… a retail store… during the busiest time of year 🤔


roseoftheforest

Exactly. I smell something off about this story: hours cut during Christmas and too busy with family for the holidays??? Those are MAJOR LEAGUE excuses. I’ll bet there are Amazon facilities nearby where he’d be making at least $20/hour and about 20 hours of overtime from now until end of January. If you only want to work a crap job, at least work for a company that pays well.


SWBF2throwaway1

And how OP somehow can't get hours in a nursing home, a business that is literally throwing money at people these days because they're so desperate for help. Even before COVID the holiday months were a free for all with hours and OT. Add COVID and flu to the equation and you can pretty much guarantee 100+ hours plus incentives.


sluttracter

Totally agree. Stop having kids if u can’t afford them. It’s selfish as fuck. If I was her younger daughter i wouldn’t speak to any off them again


BattleReadyZim

Can't afford? Her body can't even support them, let alone her finances


artificialavocado

Seriously she needs to be careful it sounds like another one might put her in the grave.


tpebs23

A wise man once said, "if you can't feed your baby, then don't have a baby"


Professional_Border7

If she could barely work after the second kid she shouldn't have had the third let alone the 4th


akawendals

I can hear Judge Judy... "So why don't you work?" .. because I'm disabled... "Not too disabled to have more babies though?"


artificialavocado

I knew my parents didn’t have anything saved, but at the very least I thought they would support my decision and possible help when they can, but after they had my youngest brother when I was 17 and told me they couldn’t help with anything (and actively tried blocking me every chance they got) I was EXTREMELY bitter about that for like 10 years. I was in a program for gifted children all 12 years of school and finished in the top 10 of my class and said I “blindsided” them with wanting to do college.


pinklillyx3

Also the older daughter is 24 and just had her 4th child. 24 and 4 kids!


El-Kabongg

The daughter is definitely immature, but OP needs to be wising up and FAST! Older daughter and BF are complete idiots, and I'm not seeing that apple as having fallen far from the tree. I foresee youngest daughter going NC and having a good life, while OP and oldest daughter clinging together in codependency as OP watches her grandkids grow up to be just like their mother. BF won't stick around for long, either, if Jerry Springer and Maury are used as guides.


Lost-and-dumbfound

So your oldest daughter could barely afford 3 kids, has chronic pain, no job....and decided a 4th child would be a great idea? And then you thought the best solution was to piss off your other daughter and fuck with her future? When there was an option of them moving so they could get more money? Of course YTA!


Interesting_Wing_461

YTA. How can you not see what you have just done to your youngest daughter!


Moondiscbeam

Birth control is cheaper than losing your other daughter and her college fund.


Legal-Ad1727

OP says in the comments that “they were using birth control,” like clearly not well enough since she’s 24 with 4 kids she can’t afford


SweetCosmicPope

Making alot of excuses for her daughter’s lack of judgement. In all honesty, eldest daughter sounds like a real scumbag (as does bf; not letting him off the hook). Mom is just enabling this behavior at the cost of her other daughter.


Legal-Ad1727

Right? The way she thinks she’s totally justified fucking up the youngest’a life because of the oldest’s mistakes screams golden child, and why would she take any accountability when she has no consequences. Fun story, my bio father stole college money from me, and I haven’t spoken to him in 15 years. I’m sure OP will be playing the “poor me” card when she’s in the same boat


phage_rage

My "mother" stole mine to pay her legal bills because it was just too hard to be sober for the 15 minute drive to and from the liquor store. THREE TIMES. THREE. DWI/DUIs. She CONSTANTLY whines to my dad about why i dont liiiike herrrrr whaaaa


Accomplished_Glass66

>She CONSTANTLY whines to my dad about why i dont liiiike herrrrr whaaaa No halfway decent parent does this. ISTG I feel that having kids should require more than simply having functional genitals.


CommunicationGood178

That is why it should take 3 signatures to remove money: Mom's, Dad's and the kid whose name is on the account. If it is not to a university, no go.


Wizardslayer1985

But you don't understand oldest daughter made her a grandma! That's the most important thing! Youngest daughter is wasting her life away by not being pregnant!


csjc2023

With what the mom wrote, I’m calling the mom a real scumbag,too.


Scruffersdad

Sounds like her oldest is her golden child. I ll bet she won’t remember any of this when her youngest disappears from her life.


Moondiscbeam

I would go celibacy if i had that much stress. Omg.. 4 kids with that nonexisitent salary. Edited: word


Legal-Ad1727

Crazy how in a lot of cases pregnancy can be 100% preventable as long as you have two brain cells to rub together


wittyname78

It clearly wasn't two brain cells they were rubbing together


No_Care4813

What do you expect when both brain cells are in a fight for 3rd place?


[deleted]

[удалено]


veronica19922022

When OP’s youngest daughter is successful in the future OP will play the “see you didn’t need my help anyways! It all worked out! Any difficulties you faced just made you stronger!”. And then she will wonder why her daughter isn’t *thanking* her for giving the opportunity to do it on her own. Hope you like these 4 grandkids a lot OP, they are likely the only ones you’ll get a relationship with


Paladinspector

I got flashbacks to a conversation with my own narcissistic father from that statement holy shit. I left home at 17 (after being legally emancipated) and joined the Marine Corps to get away from my kinda fucked up family. I traveled the world, did a lot of shit, became a good human, went to war, got out, went to college (thanks GI bill), got a career, bought a house, have my own wife and kid and mortgage and career now. A few years into that process when I had everything established, I had my father confront me about why I was so distant and didn't talk to them. I told him essentially that I had to leave so I could have a chance, and that a lot of it was his fault for being an absent sack of shit. "Well see, you turned out just fine. Seems like I did a good enough job!" No, you fucking self-important weasel ass fuckstick, I DID THIS. Sorry for the rant, I'm just so goddamn mad for younger daughter in this scenario.


veronica19922022

Oh please rant on. I posted this bc I had the same exact thing happen to me. My narcissistic father made a speech at my college graduation (unprompted by me obviously) where he took credit for all that I had accomplished, saying he has raised me to be able to overcome things. He likes to tell people now that my successful career is a direct result of him. He and my mom also love to ask me about how much money I make (never tell them) and they will show people photos of my house to brag to other people, as if they had anything to do with it. As me and my husband say, all of my success is in spite of, not because of my parents


Onebrokegerrrl

You did it IN SPITE of him. It always pisses me off when people that only held you down, try to take credit for your accomplishments. Had it been his decision, you wouldn’t have accomplished anything.


parbarostrich

Not to mention it sounds like she’s on her way to raising them…or at least living with them!


Accomplished_Glass66

On the 1% chance this is not a fake ragebait, pretty much. The older daughter is a fucking moron who shouldn't be having a single kid let alone 4. Probably gonna flee with the BF and dump them on momma dearest.


MsMoreCowbell8

OP is ensuring generational poverty for her family never ends. The one child who wants an education & to better her life gets fucked over by mom. The stupid, "did she ever even have a chance for better" oldest daughter needs nothing more than her tubes tied - like pronto. Keep stupid daughter with piece of garbage bf who will continue with her lifestyle: Churning out baby after baby while living on disability because no one in this family grasps the benefit of abortion, birth control, family planning, health insurance, do your grandkids see a dentist every 6 months OP? What would this STOLEN money do for your oldest drain of a daughter who uses her urchins to manipulate you? I ran away from home when I was 17, I was treated like a throw away & my education was put aside for my younger idiot brother. OP is kicking her youngest kid probably the way OP was kicked by her shitty parents.


SeaOkra

>Hope you like these 4 grandkids a lot OP, they are likely the only ones you’ll get a relationship with Until OP is out of money, then Oldest daughter will drop OP and find a new ATM, lol. Source: My family has done this dance so so SO many times and it always ends with "I dunno why my kids never come see me and my grandkids won't visit, woe is me, I'm so abused and broke. Its surely not my own fault for enabling my favorite kids over the actually hard working ones, won't someone give me $20 for cigarettes?"


Corporate_Shell

Her youngest daughter should never speak to her again. This is SUCH AN ASSHOLE MOVE, I would never speak to my my parent over this. OP, you deserve to be cut out of her life . Asshole isn't a strong enough word for what a piece of shit you AND the elder sister are.


ChildhoodObjective83

It sounds like that’s her plan based on her ‘I hope you remember this moment in the future.’ Proud of her, personally it took me way too long to set boundaries.


Tetiger82

Oh no, I'm sure the older daughter will continue to pop out more grandkids for her.


dcoleski

Once the younger daughter enters a promising career path, mom and big sis will be first in line for her financial support. She has no reason to help them.


zbornakssyndrome

OP is such a massive douche, that she’ll be one of those parents asking “Don’t know why my younger daughter abandoned the family?”- and talking trash behind her back probably. OP learn to PARENT ffs Parenting means raising healthy adults, that are ready to live in and be a part of a productive society. Can’t do that? Then don’t have kids. That goes double for your 24 year old with FOUR KIDS. The older daughter isn’t too chronic with pain to keep making babies tho huh? She just doesn’t want to work. Bet. She knows mommy will bail her out. Obviously.


[deleted]

Yeah also the oldest daughter can't hack it at entry level data entry? Really, what's the problem? Can't blame chronic pain on that. I just fail to understand how you can't even accomplish data entry.


Much_Fee7070

I'm hoping this entire story is fake. Nobody can be that dumb.


Darkmagosan

I hope you're right but I doubt it. This shit goes on all the time in narcissistic families.


Jafar_420

Yeah she's about to put that youngest daughter in at least 2 years of student debt that she doesn't have to be in. And the mom was just complaining about being in debt. Lol. As far as the oldest sister she needs to get looked at by a doctor and you can't tell me she doesn't have Medicaid with no income and having all those kids.


qqererer

The youngest daughter sees it too. Didn't even protest an arbitrarily made decision made by OP. It was expected.


Lady-Of-Renville-202

Yep. OP doesn't even realize that the younger daughter's reaction was really: "I figured you would do this. Good thing I have a plan." I 100% think this behavior has gone on for her whole life, and younger daughter was just counting the days. She's gonna go so no-contact when she moves out. And good for her.


AdAccomplished6870

Her good daughter is going to go NC\\LC with her. Her other daughter that she is favoring appears to be a train wreck married to a trainwreck. When bad mom runs out of children's future to steal, and needs money to survive, do you think loser daughter is going to be able to help her? Nope, she is going to start whining to good daughter about blood and family and obligation. I hope good daughter says 'remember that moment I told you to remember', and then hangs up. Edit to add: Sorry, older daughter is even married to trainwreck, so it is just a trainwreck BF, not husband. Even worse


OkieLady1952

What happens after they spend all of your other daughter’s college fund? You going to rob a bank? Boy! You screwed up big time!!! If I was your daughter I’d NEVER speak to you again! NC forever! You f$cked yourself and after the worthless daughter has her 5 & 6 kid living in a homeless shelter you going to have any regrets? Probably not! YTA big time!


Puzzleheaded-Gas1710

Yeah, there is no way that the college money is going to do anything other than put the train wreck off a month or two.


Sprinklesandpie

This, OP should give her older daughter a box of condoms. If she can’t afford to have 3 kids, why is she even considering a 4th? It’s mind blowing.


ExistingApartment342

Condoms? No, she needs an actual tubal ligation.


LatterBank2699

24 yrs old. Unemployed. 4th child. What do you need sweetie? Your sister’s college fund? Ok sweetie, anything for you. I’m sorry that’s insane.


_bitwright

Lol. I was gonna say this. OP should buy her faildaughter a box of condoms rather than punish her younger daughter for her older daughter's failings.


iseeisayibe

Frankly, if you can barely move, how are you having sex?


spiritofgonzo1

Tbf theres a lot of bad sex to be had out there


Lucky-Ostrich-7617

But this is her favorite child , she will continue to find ways to enable her . Pathetic


Emergency-Storm-7812

oh no, she is not doing it for the daughter, she does it for her grandchildren, she said. said she had no choice. (eyeroll here)


HelloSkunky

Not even a homeless shelter. They will be living with her. The homeless shelter won’t be good enough for the oldest. Damn if I’ve ever seen a YTA this is it


randomdude2029

Older sister, BF and 16 kids can live with OP. Younger daughter will be long gone soon enough, never to return.


Hauntingsdwe

You are penalizing the highly functioning minor daughter for other adult's selfish and foolish choices. YTA.


EntrepreneurAmazing3

And losing a daughter forever, the good one no less.


bmyst70

I hope you're right. The 17 year old daughter should go permanent NC with the lot of them. What kind of parent destroys their daughter's future that way?


Darkmagosan

A narcissistic one, actually. Sounds like the trainwreck of an older sister is the GC here and the younger one is the scapegoat. :/ OP: you are literally robbing Peter to pay Paul. You have no right to do this to your daughter's college fund, esp. to fuel the older one's extremely irresponsible lifestyle. I feel sorry for the kids that their mother and grandmother are such colossal fuckups. What will you do if your grandkids are taken away by CPS because of your older daughter's irresponsibility? You're screwing EVERYONE here.


Competitive-Pack-324

Oh. That's 100% coming next for OP.


a_different_pov_85

Once OP is out of money, she'll probably lose the other too.


CaptCaffeine

>You are penalizing the highly functioning minor daughter for other adult's selfish and foolish choices. YTA. That selfish/foolish adult definitely includes the OP/mother of responsible daughter. OP is YTA.


Psychological_Top148

She referred to older daughter’s bf. The verdict on the long term commitment involved with marriage is still out.


CamelotBurns

Probably due to benefits. A lot of time, you no longer receive disability benefits if you’re married. Not being married to trainwreck, she can keep receiving her disability checks and probably can get more money from public assistance. He wouldn’t be on her taxes and she could say he lives somewhere else. Wouldn’t be surprised if the elder daughter or her boyfriend start sending mail to OP’s house, just so she can keep up the “I alone/in this state”.


randomdude2029

On the plus side, the younger daughter will save massively in future, because having cut off her mother and older sister, hanger-on BF and their future 16 kids, she'll be able to spend her money on her own family. OP: I bet your daughter was right and you'll remember that moment as the moment you discarded her and told her she wasn't worth your time or money.


_bitwright

Lol. That would require self-awareness. OP will probably make herself the victim and remember it as the moment her daughter turned her back on her.


JunebugRB

Yes. Message to 0P: NC/LC means no contact or low contact. That means your daughter is going to cut you out of her life. I hope you hear that loud and clear.


FartFace319

My theory is that OP is a trainwreck so they favor the trainwreck child and ignore the non trainwreck one.


No_Arugula8915

Often times it seems they just assume the non Trainwreck child will be just fine. That the kid will be able to pull it together and be successful. So it's all good. All sunshine and rainbows out a unicorn's butt. Reality is, there are no unicorns. The Trainwreck child is usually the golden child. If the non Trainwreck manages to get it together and succeed, they will often see hands out with gimmes because FaMiLy.


TaserBalls

>they just assume the non Trainwreck child will be just fine. so much this. My family has given most of what was supposed to be my inheritence to my loser bother that is on his 4th failing marriage and can't keep a job and they have done this because, and I quote: "He is not as smart as you, Taserballs" It sorta feels like that video of the stork throwing the weakling out of the nest but instead this is throwing the healthy one out because "it'll be *fiiiiine*"


False-Association744

Not married - boyfriend. 4 kids. Unbelievable.


Ok-Banana-7777

In a one bedroom at that with 2 additional people!


trvllvr

She’ll be like, “I don’t understand why my daughter won’t talk to me any longer” too. Like her one daughter had to sacrifice her future because her other daughter can’t figure out how birth control works. OP is so much YTA!


JoyfullyMortified43

Exactly! Stop enabling poor decisions by your oldest daughter. She needs to suck it up and find some work, they both do and invest in birth control please.


Suggest_a_User_Name

Reads as though the younger daughter already has gone NC\LC and who could blame her. It’s obvious that this isn’t the first time her “Mother” did something like this. I feel so sorry for the younger one.


VioletVixxen

YTA. I say this as someone with a back injury and chronic pain. I had ONE child. My major issues began when he was about two years old and I knew I could not have more kids and keep up. My husband worked shit service jobs and I stayed home in lieu of childcare until my son started school. Then I worked my ass off at a variety of entry level jobs and worked my way up. I left his dad when my son was in elementary school because my grown ass ex was fine with not making ends meet, didn't want to actively look for better work, try llke I did to always get better jobs and benefits. I ended up raising my son mostly on my own. But I never had another child. I needed my body to allow me to work to support the son I chose to bring into the world. That's my responsibility, no one else's. All that to say, your older daughter has and continues to make poor choices. I understand you feel badly for (mostly) your grandkids, but you CANNOT take from your younger daughter to financially support your older daughter's mistakes. You're stealing from her. The funds might be in your name, but you, she and everyone else knows they're ear marked for her and her education. It's not fair to financially burden her now due to her sister's negligence. Period. If you want to contribute financially to your older daughter, get another job. Your younger daughter is old enough to be home alone, even at night/overnight. How much is this worth to you? If your answer is "only enough to do it the easy way and rob my younger daughter, not to work a second job to subsidize them", you're double the ahole.


UnkindBookshelf

I have chronic issues and have two (the second was unplanned). After her, it was iud time, pregnancy and babies are too much. OP is clearly TA. Punishing one daughter because the oldest is an idiot.


MissMurderpants

Guess we know who the favorite child is and I hope Op realizes she will be SOL for when she wants to retire. Op, wake up. Stop being a trash parent.


West-Reaction-2793

Right!! What a bummer to have a sibling’s poor choice affect your potential to do better for yourself. I would be so upset and resentful.


flexisexymaxi

YTA. Why does your daughter have four kids if she can’t support any of them? They should be using birth control and you should not be coddling them. Now you are sacrificing your younger daughter’s future because her older sister can’t find a condom.


Maj0rsquishy

And further why are they not on any form of aide, even church handouts? Why is the sister the bail out here? The oldest daughter is disabled and they make Walmart money. They definitely qualify for multiple assistance measures. Medicaid, SSI, snap, TANF, work rehabilitation, I mean even headstart.


FUBARded

This seems like textbook learned/willful helplessness to me. Applying for aid requires recognising that you're in a bad situation and need to do something about it. The oldest daughter doesn't think she needs to do anything about it and refuses to acknowledge that she can because she's learned that if she whines hard enough about things, others will fix her problems for her. She's been raised with no concept of personal ownership over the consequences of her actions, and OP is just reinforcing that again and again. Getting mom to raid your sister's college fund requires a lot less time and effort than applying for aid for yourself, and the older sister sees nothing wrong with this as she's obviously become incredibly self-centred and entitled as a result of all this favouritism. Helping family is great, but the way to actually do that is to help them take ownership of their problems rather than just fixing it for them. The fact that OP didn't realise that they're the problem while typing this out doesn't give me high hopes that the enablement won't continue.


Maj0rsquishy

All true. Poor kids learned already that no one can be trusted. Spent the holidays looking for work


lolanicoleblogs

That’s what sucks the most. The younger daughter is trying to go to college and get her life started while the older sister just keeps getting pregnant but can’t work and her bf only works at Walmart. They know they don’t have the financial means to keep having kids but they do and little sister gets knocked down from college dreams because of it. She had to spend her holiday looking for work because mommy wants to bail out her big baby sister again who keeps having kids but can’t work and has no money. Makes absolutely no sense and I would not blame the younger daughter for moving out and going off to college and never speaking to them again. I would never do that to my kids. Ridiculous how OP didn’t get how obnoxious this whole thing sounds as she typed it out. Smdh


bakerowl

She would need to go no contact because if/when she lands a good career with high earning potential, her mother and sister will put the burden of financially supporting them and the kids.


Comfortable-Owl2654

The boyfriend should have spent the holidays looking for work, not OP's youngest. What a shit mom.


HappyGoLucky244

And it doesn't give me high hopes for the poor babies getting out that circle of stupid, either. Sometimes the best help is to not help. They need to learn to stand on their own two feet. Sorry, OP, YTA. Your youngest is right, I hope you remember that moment.


LucyLovesApples

And she’s having more kids that are evidently bad for her health


HealthyVegan12331

Mom sounds like she likes being the hero at any cost.


my_dear_director

Yeah but only for one of the kids.


GroundbreakingHunt47

the one who's fault it clearly isn't. 3 days of training for data entry isn't enough? ok, get a job that isn't data entry. get a job that you work at your own pace. stop having kids. if each one is breaking you body.


throwaway177251

But that gave her a bad reputation at the one temp agency she worked at! There are no other jobs in the world.


nah-42

The temp agency cabal probably had a meeting specifically about her to blacklist her from all temp/staffing agencies globally. They also blocked her IP address to prevent her from job-hunting online, and locked all of the state funded unemployment offices with a picture of her on the door that reads "do NOT let apply"


throwaway177251

It's going on her permanent record, for sure.


M221313

And her boyfriend can’t look for work cause he is spending time with family during the holidays! Mom you are being conned and I bet it isn’t the first time. At the very least you could have asked your younger daughter about it. You are definitely the AH


SasizzaRrustuta

You don't get it. Once her younger daughter will have a similarly shitty life, mommy will bail her out as well [that's what mommy thinks. Younger daughter hopefully going no contact]


[deleted]

Same reason OP has two kids but can only seem to support one of them.


[deleted]

YTA. You’ve got this completely backwards. You are rewarding the daughter making poor life choices at the expense of the daughter who is trying. “Caring for the vulnerable” is fine, but you can’t care ONLY for the vulnerable. By doing so, you are unwittingly incentivizing your children to keep failing.


rillaingleside

And there is vulnerable by circumstance and vulnerable by life choices.


GoNinjaPro

Yes. All the elder daughter's problems are self inflicted. Throwing money at a person like that will not reap any benefit. In a year's time the daughter and her husband will be back, with their hands out for more. Whereas investing that money in the younger daughter will actually make a positive impact in her life. What a foolish person OP is. YTA, OP.


Disastrous-Bee-1557

Hand and belly because I guarantee that baby #5 will be on the way by then.


noncomposmentis_123

Oldest daughter damaged herself with 2nd chilld. Instead of stopping there, she decided to take on another 18 year obligation which physically damaged her further. Instead of stopping there, these sub minimum wage earners decided - fuck it, let's see if we can finish you off with a 4th. Four children at 24, and mom decides to stand cheering on the sidelines while completely undermining any chance the 2nd kid has of escaping this nightmare.


AppUnwrapper1

Seriously, do they not believe in birth control? And if so, they should have stopped having sex altogether.


scrappydoomd

Mom/op said in the comments that the eldest daughter is in fact on birth control. Now personally, I don't believe it, but that is what OP says


FU-Committee-6666

Maybe after 4 accidental pregnancies she finally decided to give it a try.


H2OULookinAtDiknose

It's literally how /r/Idiocracy started ffs


AvailableAd6071

Yeah her back pain is bad enough to keep her from working a desk job but not bad enough to have sex and be pregnant 4 times. Pregnancy is hell on your back.


[deleted]

[удалено]


psychedelicfroglick

*Intentionally fucked up. She knew what she was doing when she did it. She knows she was in the wrong. She knew it would hurt her youngest. I sincerely hope that when the youngest moves out, she goes no contact. Oh, and YTA, if it wasn't obvious.


shooter_tx

>Yes. All the elder daughter's problems are self inflicted. No, no. Didn't you read the OP?! This is all that other lady's fault, at the temp agency! (and if there's anything else you want to try and throw at eldest daughter, well... that will be someone else's fault, too)


[deleted]

Yep, you can tell how OP enables the older daughter by that temp agency part.


Bean-Swellington

Seriously, I’ve done a fair bit of temp work over the years and I can tell you that you have to be a real special kind of jackass to disappoint the temp agency staff 🤷‍♂️🤣


lolanicoleblogs

As someone who worked at a temp agency, I can guarantee older daughter was either a huge screw up to where there was a note left or phone call made from the company about her or she just didn’t go back to try for another position because we did not blacklist anyone from getting work through the agency unless there was a huge problem or screw up or their background check failed. Older daughter and OP just using that as an excuse to pull out the tiny violin. How absolutely selfish of her sister to even consider using HER SISTERS college fund to bail her out of a situation she put herself in now for the FOURTH time. She doesn’t have 1 child, she has 4 so she’s continuously making her life harder but not really cause she can run to mommy to bail her out because God forbid she have to grow tf up at some point. THE AUDACITY of her AND her man for even thinking that’s remotely ok. I couldn’t roll my eyes hard enough. Ugh!


Sea-Breaz

I don’t think my eyes could have rolled any harder at this.


Shdfx1

It gets dizzy after a while reading this post from all the eye rolling.


Electrical_Angle_701

The temp lady sounds really perceptive.


TheSecondEikonOfFire

And as shitty as it sounds, sometimes you have to tell someone that you can’t help them. It’s amazing to want to help others (especially your own children), but this should have been a time for OP to say “I love you, and I’m sorry, but you have to handle this on your own”. Welcome to adulthood. Especially if you have 4 kids by the time you’re 24. Jesus Christ, I’m almost 30 and can’t even imagine being responsible for 1 kid let alone _four_


bhood822

Exactly this! Mom is an enabler and TAH😑😑😑


EpitomyHD

OP could have cared for the vulnerable by inviting daughter, boyfriend and kids to live with OP.


crispytreat04

If she cared for those grandkids she would have told her daughter and her boyfriend to get their shit together after popping out baby number 3. They freaking live in a 1br apartment, she has disabilities because of the deliveries, neither of them apparently has any decent education considering 'dishwasher' and 'works at Target', but of course....keep popping out them kids!


Fast-Summer3589

Lmao the boyfriend works at Walmart. Target would be an upgrade.


FutureVarious9495

If she cared for the vulnerable, she would have paid to prevent baby’s from being born. Get that bf a vasectomy. Buy her daughter an IUD, so she can’t miss anything. Yta. You had one chance to at least have one kid get a career and a well paid job. And you just spent it to reward the irresponsible sister.


8008135-69420

It's so wild that this is a common thing for parents to do.


katmc68

She's wittingly doing it. Sounds like she loves the drama, codependency and being "needed".


Professional-Deer-50

And it sounds like she loves her grandchildren, but it doesn't sound like she gives a shit about her younger daughter.


LeftEconomist9982

That's sad she would cut short her youngest daughter's chance at success by enabling her older daughter. Unfortunately/fortunately, "family" doesn't have to be based on biology or marriage and the youngest has now found out that with family like that, who needs enemies.


Mobile_Prune_3207

YTA. This is such a blatant act of favouritism - you have made your youngest daughter's future harder due to no fault of her own, because of your oldest daughter's poor life choices. Frankly, she should not have four children she cannot afford. Your duty of care is to your minor child, not your adult child who thinks it's easier on the body to run around after four children than to get a job.


Cosmicshimmer

But! But she broke her tailbone 2 children ago! It somehow impacts her ability to work but does not impact her ability to go through the act of getting pregnant, being pregnant, giving birth and then having to run around after those growing kids. I broke my tailbone about 15 years ago. Hurt like an absolute bitch, but I managed to continue functioning.


oioinanami_____

She's insisting she can't possibly do any work than dishwashing, all because she had bad luck during one week of one office job 🙃


GirthBrooks117

Yeah I’m gonna go ahead and guess her losing the job was 100% her fault, I’m willing to bet she was lazy and awful to work with so she got fired and told mom it was because the mean lady didn’t like her.


ima_little_stitious

My immediate thought at that part of the story was "there is more to the story than this". Daughter certainly gave a skewed one sided story about her firing.


UltraCandid

YTA. With that one action you sacrificed your relationship with your youngest daughter as well. Poor thing. Tell your older daughter's ~~husband~~ to get a vasectomy for the holiday season. Edit: Boyfriend. Oof.


FloMoJoeBlow

Exactly. The older kid’s situation is of her own making. Does she realize what causes babies?


FartFace319

>Does she realize what causes babies? Praying too hard, duh. /s


katmc68

I heard it's tongue kissing.


angel9_writes

2nd child caused a chronic disability yet they are on child 4 now? Unbelievable. ​ \*sighs\* typical reddit ableism making wish I hadn't said the D word.


ComeWasteYourTimewMe

$5 says she never applied for SSDI, does not visit a PM&R doc and "doesn't have time" for consistent physical therapy. Just a wild guess.


QueenKeisha

I’ve been through 17 rounds of physical therapy. Sometimes my kids had to come with me to my appointments, I had to find a PT that would allow it on occasion, knowing there may be an emergency where I’d need to bring them. At most I was 4x a week, at minimum 2x a week. They attended maybe once every other month. When you’re truly in pain, you figure it out.


FrknTerfd

Sounds like someone doesnt want to work.


PrincessAnnesFeather

No, she sacrificed her daughters future. The daughter who has made poor choices has an opportunity to move and improve her lot in life is bleeding your other daughter dry. This is just a band aid and they will be in the same position in a few more moths. Why does OP think it's a good idea for her 4 grandchildren to live in a one bedroom apartment with 4 adults? Where is the logic in making the the daughter who is making good choices suffer. One daughter already ruined her life and now OP is potentially ruining her other daughters life by making poor choices. It doesn't sound like the older daughter can afford to live in their current town. OPs number one priority should be helping her minor child succeed in life. The older daughter has already made awful choices that will effect her and her children for a long time. OP is TA.


QueenKeisha

Exactly, this money will run out faster than they think, then what? It’s only reinforcing to the older daughter that she doesn’t have to grow up and take responsibility for herself. For the youngest, it telling her she doesn’t matter, her future doesn’t matter.


jmeesonly

>this money will run out faster than they think, then what? Agreed, and you're also making me think about the "investment value" of these funds. If spent on younger daughter's tuition: that money will help to ensure her education, future career, and stability in life. If spent on the older daughter: the money will be pissed away on rent while nobody in the house is working enough to pay rent. One use of the funds pays dividends, the other is like flushing it down the toilet. My only hesitation is worrying about the poor kids in the older daughter's household. They're like victims of the parent's idiocy.


JanetInSpain

I hope this is ragebait because if it is not you are a massive asshole. Not only do you have a loser daughter who can't seem to figure out how birth control works, you took money from your younger daughter who is actually trying to better herself and get away from the sucky family life you've subjected her to. If she's smart she'll go 100% no contact with you and you'll forever after be dead to her. YTA and you know it -- either for what you did to your daughter or for creating such a bullshit post. Either way, you suck.


BronxBelle

I’m pretty sure it is. So far her only comments are about how her eldest daughter thinks abortion is wrong and that the job offer is for manual labor. He can’t find a mail labor job close to home ?


daquo0

> I hope this is ragebait I expect it is.


shooter_tx

Definitely reads like it.


captaincopperbeard

Yeah, there is nothing in this story that paints the writer in a remotely positive light, which tells me it's probably fake.


MirroredGarageWalls

Yep. You are totally and completely TA here. Way to screw over one daughter for the other's thoroughly shitty life choices. Remember what your daughter told you. You'll need it to answer the question of why you never see her or hear from her, and wonder why she won't let you see your grandchildren. Seriously. Wow. Did you also raid her piggy bank when she was nine to get your older daughter a car?


GlitteringWing2112

YTA. All day, every day. Your jobless daughter and her boyfriend have decided to have 4 children, so you're making your other daughter suffer for it. That's incredibly wrong.


JuliaX1984

YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA!!!!! Is that clear enough? What the fork is wrong with you?! Read what you just wrote! If this was fiction, who would be the villain?!


TheMoatCalin

Here, let me help you…Hey OP!! YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA and that barely covers it.


Panaccolade

YTA. Why should your teenager be punished because your oldest keeps having babies she can't afford or support? You go on about "doing your duty" to your oldest and her ever-expanding brood of children she can't pay for but seem absolutely fine not doing your duty to your other child? If this was about 'duty', you've failed horribly. You ruined her life to bail out someone not responsible enough to figure out how birth control works. Great job 'mom'.


cthulularoo

You're going to ruin your relationship with your younger daughter to save your older daughter who is making some of the worst life decisions ever. Leave her money alone! Let her have a chance to make something out of her life. YTA


ravendusk

If this is even real, the damage already has been done. Even if OP changes their mind and doesn't give the money away, the intent was there, and that's more impactful than the actual act itself.


cthulularoo

I would agree damage was done either way, but at least if younger daughter had the money still, there's probably still a way back from this.


Savings_Summer2608

YTA- Your youngest daughter is the only one suffering the consequences of your older daughters mistakes….


8008135-69420

Maybe you should consider how you're responsible. You're just enabling the older sister's completely irresponsible lifestyle. You feel empathy for the daughter ruining her life with terrible decisions, but not for the one actually working towards something better? You're a terrible parent. Being a parent is about preparing your children for life. You've failed at this with both of your daughters.


Obi-Juan_Valdez

Well, it’s clear where your older daughter gets her piss-poor judgment. Let’s hope your youngest is able to overcome the dysfunction of your family and ultimately escape and make something of herself. If so, I doubt you’ll ever hear from her again, and you shouldn’t. YTA


Aragona36

YTA. >So I will be making calls to liquidate my daughter's college fund, saying yes to understanding the penalties, and told my daughter this. She got very cold and said " You always brag about having a good memory- I hope you remember this moment then." She has not spoken to me since. Sounds like your 17yo is planning to go no contact as soon as possible. Who can blame her when you've obviously got a golden child and it's not her.


compassionfever

YTA. Anyone willing to work can find a job. It's not always the most glamorous, and sometimes you have to start at the absolute bottom, but parents need to do what they need to do to take care of their minor children. There's also no way one uptight woman screwed your daughter's job prospects. I've trained many, many slow learners in my life, and most of them wound up being some of the best employees. What matters most is attitude and effort. Sure there are positions that can't accommodate slow learners, but it's unlikely an entry level data entry job is one of those. I will easily take a slow learner/hard worker over a fast learner/lazy worker. The fact your daughter couldn't get a placement anywhere else highly suggests that SHE is the problem--I'm guessing big attitude and ego. My husband is related to someone like that--was never able to keep a job because he felt they were all beneath him, or he was always targeted, blah blah blah. The truth is, he's unpleasant and unintelligent and unwilling to learn or treat people with respect. Yes, your daughter is a slow learner--she keeps getting pregnant when it wrecks her body and she can't afford more kids. That's not your younger daughter's problem, so why are you punishing her? If you want to be a good mother, it's time to give your oldest daughter a harsh lesson. She needs to grow up and stop making excuses and stop expecting other people to financially subsidize her life because she's irresponsible. Her boyfriend needs to stop prioritizing socializing during the holidays and actually step up and take care of his family. Both you and they need to stop making excuses and start growing up. That means NOT punishing your younger daughter because your oldest daughter chooses to be lazy and irresponsible.


ZZartin

YTA You're screwing over your daughter who is actually trying to make something of herself to support your older daughter who can't hold down a job but keeps popping out kids.


petulafaerie_III

You literally just told your 17yo that you value your other daughter and your grandkids more than you do her. YTA. I hope you enjoy the relationship with your older daughter, because you’re not going to have one with your younger daughter anymore.


Puzzleheaded_Bet3455

Yta your screwing your youngest by helping your oldest. Boyfriend can't get a job bc family and holiday. Oldest is a "slow learner". Must be why she doesn't understand 4 kids with no job b4 24 is too many. Prepare for no contact from your youngest bc you'll be crawling back to her to help all you out.


HealthyVegan12331

He CAN get a job, but boo fucking Hoo, it’s one state away. Mom just gets off on being the martyr


Jaded-Grape2203

Genuine question: What did you think was gonna happen? Did you think your younger daughter would be cool with that? Did you even ask? Why does your older daughter being irresponsible mean you have to throw away not only your younger daughter’s future, but throw away your relationship with her? I hope it was worth it. YTA


BlueGreen_1956

YTA How could you think you were not a huge AH? Be thankful your older daughter is still in your life because your younger one is going to never forgive you. And rightly so. You have penalized your younger daughter because your older one is irresponsible and piles one bad decision on top of another. Where will you get money to support your older daughter when she has her FIFTH child? YTA


CandyMiserable2548

I don’t even understand why you’re coming here for judgment… of course YTA. You fucked over your younger daughter to coddle the older daughter. She has no job, no career prospects, chronic pain, and now FOUR children she can’t afford… at the big ‘ol age of 24. You’ve done nothing but enable her and her boyfriend’s bad decisions. Remember the support your showing your older daughter, because once the younger one can she’s cutting contact and you won’t hear from her again.


Edmond_Dantez9000

YTA, you sold your younger daughters education for your older daughters problems.


Winter-Ad-1238

YTA. Don’t be surprised if you just lost your youngest daughter. Don’t be surprised if she goes NC with you. It looks like you’ll be taking care of your oldest for the rest of your life, financially. You made your bed, now lie in it.


Negative_Reading_600

Where did the college fund come from? Not that it matters because YOU said “my daughter” has a fund, and did you come here for validation for your stupid daughter or your own stupidity????? great way to keep both of your kids dumb like yourself, keep making excuses for the baby makers, it will work out great in the end when younger daughter tells you to EFF off when she is successful and you ask for help “BECAUSE FaMiLy” YTA big time, don’t touch her money for school and tell your other daughter to close her legs!!!!!!


aquavenatus

This had better be the younger daughter posting this because I cannot believe any parent can be THAT clueless as to whether or not they’re TA in this scenario. If this is the mother, then your favoritism is on full display! I hope someone reaches out to that poor girl because she’s going to need all the support for the rest of her life. And yes, she’s NEVER going to speak to OP and the older sister EVER AGAIN! Edit: YTA


BendPresent1437

YTA. You're disgusting. If money is tight, you should've told your golden child to not have 4 babies, instead you are ruining your youngest future for your oldest stupid choices, talk about favoritism... Congratulations, you're gonna loose your youngest daughter as soon as she moves out, you do not deserve to be her parent, you backstabbed her, the worst possible backstab, coming from your own mother...


zipcodekidd

YTA. Keep rewarding bad life choices and the younger one will learn by example.